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shite-stories · 3 years

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This was the first short story I worked on that turned out to be not so fucking short. A classic and wholesome tale of Animal Crossing, friendships and good old fashioned Glaswegian sectariansim.

Island Explorers

Abigail took a deep breath and looked out through the window of her mum's big SUV. "Do I really need to start school today mom?" she sighed.

Gwen looked at her daughter from the driver seat of her car, she still couldn't get used to how she sat on the right side of the car and her daughter on the left, the left side was the "right" side to sit on, “You gotta start your new school sometime sweetheart, we've been in Scotland for two weeks now. I’m sure Lochend High School will be great sweetie, your dad starts in the office today and I gotta run some errands and pick up some groceries."

"I guess" Abigail sighed once more as she slid out of the big car. "I'll see you later Mom". She turned and faced her new school as her mum pulled into the morning traffic and disappeared down the street. Abigail and her family had moved to Scotland about two weeks ago so her dad could start work in a new office in Glasgow. Her dad was really smart with computers and this company had offered him a fortune to move out and oversee a project for them, they'd wanted him that badly they'd paid all the relocation expenses and helped them find a home to live in.

None of that really occupied Abigail's mind at the moment, as those things rarely do in a fifteen year old. Presently, what was forefront in her mind was how she was going to make some friends. She hated the awkward, tentative first few steps of trying to make friends and this was going to be especially hard as she could barely understand a word anyone said.

Resigning herself to her fate, she hefted her bag onto her shoulder and made her way to the school gates.

It was like nothing she'd ever seen before, everything was so alien to her. At her school in the USA none of the other kids had to wear a uniform whereas here, everyone wore shirts, trousers, skirts and blazers (even if some of them did look like their clothes had been shot at them from a cannon this morning). A lot of the kids seemed to playing football, not real football obviously, all these kids were playing "soccer". Abigail wondered if any of the kids played real football here at this school and if they'd have a cheer squad she could try-out for.

She stood aimlessly in the playground watching the groups of other pupils mill around her, all awaiting the first bell to signal the beginning of the day's lessons. A group of boys wandered by, whispering and conspiring with one other as they all stole glances in her direction. One of them eventually separated himself from the gaggle, he had hair spiked up with far too much gel and a face heavily decked out in spots, he called over to her.

"Here hen, big Mikey here wants tae know if you'll be his burd, the big cunt said he fancies ye and he 'hinks yer tidy"

Abigail blinked, "Huh?" was all that came out. They might have well been speaking Korean because she didn't understand a word that this kid had said.

"Aw fuck off Darren ya prick, leave her be."

The voice from behind Abigail appeared at her shoulder and belonged to a girl of roughly equal height to herself, her blonde hair was pulled into a ponytail which swung to the side as she tilted her head in a mocking fashion. "She's no interested in big smelly Mikey or you ya wee rat, she might be new but al be sure tae tell her aww aboot you gittin crabs aff yer cousin and big Mikey's mouldy feet"

Again, Abigail had absolutely no idea what had just been said but the context made it obvious. The other four boys in the group erupted into roaring laughter, whilst Mikey and Darren both turned shades of scarlet

"Fuck up Steph ya fuckin' fenian." Darren spat as he stormed off, the rest of his group still laughing and cajoling him.

Stephanie turned to Abigail and smiled "Sorry aboot that, that Darren's a fuckin' pervert. You're that new lassie fae America int ye? Ahm Stephanie"

It took Abigail a second or two but what Stephanie had said eventually clicked into place "Oh yeah, that's me, I'm Abigail" She smiled awkwardly but Stephanie returned the smile and gestured that Abigail should follow her. Stephanie led Abigail over to a group of girls and made introductions. Most of the girls had their faces glued to their phones or were splitting earphones listening to pounding dance music. A couple of the girls had Nintendo Switches and were playing games that Abigail couldn't see.

"What're you guys playing?"

Neither of the three girls looked up but in unison they answered "Island Explorers "

This, definitely perked up Abigail's day. She'd brought her Switch to school with her (anticipating a lunchtime sat by herself) and her favourite games were the Island Explorers series. The game was simple enough, you had your own little island that you could do whatever you wanted on, plant trees, go fishing, build your camp up to a house and a million other little things to improve the look of your own little slice of paradise. One of the biggest aspects of the game was visiting other people's islands. Some stuff wasn't available on your own island and you had to go out to get it from elsewhere. You could also only build certain things if you found the plans on other people's islands. Abigail had played the game with her friends in USA before she left for Scotland but still visited their islands when she could (the time difference made it difficult for her to be awake when her friends were free)

Abigail pulled her switch out and passed the next 15 minutes showing off her island to what soon became her new group of friends.

The next few days passed by in a blur, Abigail got to know her new friends and they all played together on Island Explorers. She'd even managed to get one of her friends from back home to join in one evening. The weekend soon dawned on Abigail

"You should join wan ae the Facebook groups fur the school Abbie, we've got wan fur everycunt that plays Island Explorers at the school." Stacey told her as they were leaving through the school gates on Friday afternoon "Everywan posts links tae their island so ye can visit and what stuff they've got if ye need any'hin."

Abigail promised she would when she got home. Once home she chatted with her parents about her first week at school, asked her dad how he was settling in at the new office (apparently things were going "Swell" and the guys at the office were "A hoot")

"They even gave me a nickname!" Her dad declared after telling his family how great and welcoming his new colleagues were "Brad The Bawbag"

That evening after dinner, Abigail took herself to her room and began trawling through the various facebook groups she could find. Stacey had invited her to the Island Explorer's page someone had set up for the school and Stephanie had invited her to the general school page for pupils at the school (which turned out to be more of a page for gossiping, posting unflattering pictures of other pupils and petty arguments about subjects that Abigail really didn't understand)

After she joined both groups, Facebook suggested a few more to her, based on some of the other pages and groups she had liked. She joined pages for "Lochend Yung Team", "Island Explorers Mad Squad", "Lochend Loyals" and one titled "Lochend Protestant Paradise". Her parents weren't super religious but her mum always liked the community aspect of going to church, so she thought she'd join the page as well and if the people looked nice she'd invite her mum to the page.

She spent the evening looking through some posts and visited a few other player's islands from what they'd put up in the various groups, most people were really helpful and she managed to get some new crafting plans, loads of materials she couldn't find on her own island and even some animals that weren't native to her own little island. She always made sure to trade or gift things to other players, spare crafting plans she had, some of the games currency or even just some materials the other person was low on.

Abigail loved seeing what people had done with their Islands, some took on a specific theme, (Steph's island looked Japanese, all cherry blossom trees, traditional arches and sweeping bridges). Other people didn't really put much effort into how their island looked, either that or Abigail just didn't understand what sort of look they were going for.

She found a post by Darren Smith (she realised this was the same Darren from her first day at school). He'd put a post up saying that he'd finally finished his island and it was having a grand opening to show it to everyone.

"Awrite troops, Casa Del Smith is finished an' open, mon doon an witness mah fuckin masterpiece fur yersel. Am dain mini games, got a firework display planned and am geein away shit loads ae stuff that a dinnae need noo

Nae fannyin aboot wae ma stuff

Nae stealin mah stuff

Nae Fenians haha

DAZZA1690RFC - H8A-3D0-10A-0LA"

Abigail couldn't really work out what Darren was saying, but about thirty people had commented on it already saying they were going, so she copied the island code into her Switch and made her way to Darren's island.

She watched her avatar be ferried to Darren's island as the area loaded up, the ferry ride gave a decent view of Darren's island and some of its features while a banner of text rolled across the sky as she digitally sailed to the port "Welcome to DAZZA1690RFC's Island, Ibrox!"

The banner had unfurled over the island as she drifted past several poles, proudly fluttering with different flags, one looked liked England's flag but it in the middle it had a red hand within a white star, the second was the flag for the UK which Abigail recognised straight away. The last flag she wasn't sure about, it was a blue flag, set against the background looked to be a white badge she thought she recognised from one of the local football teams. "Gee, this guy really loves soccer, huh?" she said to herself.

Her little boat finally docked and she began wandering around Darren's island. Stacey was there but she couldn't see Stephanie anywhere even though she knew she was online and playing. She typed out a hello to Stacey and a handful of other people but she mainly sauntered around by herself. She had docked at the East side of Ibrox and decided she'd move along to the West and explore there.

Abigail could see why Darren was so proud of his island. He had some really rare buildings and structures that Abigail hadn't seen yet along with loads of custom images loaded into canvases that were left around the gardens. she wandered past a collection of pine trees that were planted in the shape of some letters "F.T.P" - She didn't know what that stood for, "For the people?" she guessed aloud to herself.

She came to a cobbled path at the west side of the island that led north, she followed the path that was lined with lamps draped with bunting and blue coloured bells. The path led to a huge hedge maze,

Abigail zoomed her view out as far as it could go and she could see that the maze was also in the shape of that soccer club badge. She went inside and found a statue of an old guy made of white stone. A plaque sat in front of the man and Abigail walked her little avatar over to read it

"In big Walter's name:

WATP

Fuck the Pope

Big Jock Knew"

Abigail puzzled over the meaning of the plaque. "Who was "Big Walter"? What did this new acronym stand for? What did big Jock know? And what did Darren have against the Pope?". She had too many questions and thought she might find some answers with everyone else. She made her way back to the centre of the island resolved to clear some of these things up, she was also keen to see how the party was going with the other visitors and what everyone else was up to.

She arrived at the central section of the island to a crowd had gathered in front of Darren's two storey home. Darren stood on a platform in front of the crowd and was typing out a welcome to everyone. Hi speech bubbles hovered above his head with each new declaration. for some reason Darren was typing all in caps, Abigail wasn't sure if he was "shouting" or if he just hadn't turned off his caps lock.

"AWRITE TROOPS! WELCOME TAE IBROX. MAH ISLAND'S THE FUCKIN' BEST AND AW YOURS IS SHITE, THAT'S WHY YER AW HERE"

"THE FIREWORKS ARE GAWNE BE SET AFF IN A MINUTE AND EFTER THAT WE CAN AW GIT INTAE A GAME AE ..."

A speech bubble appeared from the crowd and covered the rest of Darren's, obscuring what he was saying.

"Fuck up Darren ya cunt"

Darren's little avatar hopped up and down and paced towards the crowd

"WHO EH FUCK WIS AHT!? WHOS TRYIN TAE GIT FUCKIN WIDE?"

Another speech bubble popped up from the fringes of the crowd, away from Darren as he waded into the crowd. "Yer island's as shite as yer maw's haircut"

Darren's avatar spun and pushed through the crowd to the outspoken player "WIT YOU SAYIN' YA CUNT? AL FUCKIN DO YOU!"

"Aye hawd on al get ma fishin net oot so a can stop you an yer cousin's crabs ya clatty bastard"

Various speech bubbles from other avatars in the crowd started to pop up. "Lolololol", "haha this is fuckin' brilliant", "fight fight fight fight!"

Abigail now noticed several of the avatars had changed their outfit. Her own outfit was some cute dungarees with a yellow shirt and flowery matching hat. She stood out against many of the crowd how now either wore blue and white T-Shirts or green T-shirts with white hoops.

Adorable little pixelated hell broke loose.

Darren and the second offender both brought out shovels and started attacking one another. handfuls of the crowd from either side joined in with shovels, fishing rods and bug catching nets. pockets of similar brawling had broken out amidst the crowd but a number of avatars had ran in different directions. Many headed towards the pier to leave the island and head home, some groups headed towards the west of the island towards the maze, a few headed into the house and she seen a couple making their way to Darren's gardens and vegetable patches.

"Torch the fuckin' place"

Abigail trotted past a group of white and green clad avatars all holding tiny candles aloft as they were chased by a blue wave, tools held aloft.

"Holy shit" Abigail whispered to herself as she watched the bedlam unfolding on the screen. She decided she would head to the pier as well and get herself off Darren's island before everything burned down.

On her way she seen a group of blue defenders loyal to Darren surrounding a pair of green and white avatars, pummelling them with shovels. The brutality was muted by the little stars that popped up along with the "BONK" text everytime someone was hit, injuries were nothing more than dazed spirals instead of eyes and little crosshatched "#" to show scuffs and scrapes.

As the ship sailed out from the island, she took in the spectacle as a whole. Brawls were dotted about everywhere she looked, a good portion of the island was now on fire including every tree on Darren's island, Darren's two storey house was now a three storey blaze and she could see players running back and forth from the nearby well with buckets full of water that were having absolutely no effect to the inferno. Darren's maze had been gutted and reshaped into what looked like a giant penis and testicles, the statue in the middle of "Big Walter" now had a large purple aubergine sticking from his face and "Hail Hail" sprayed across it in paint. Her last sight of the island was of Darren's flags that had been replaced by images of what looked like another football badge, an older ugly looking man with ginger hair and an even uglier looking man in a football strip with a shaved head holding his arms wide.

The following morning, Abigail sat at the kitchen table catching up on her first weekends homework.

“Hey mom.” Abigail asked her mum without looking up from her maths textbook.

“Yes sweetie?” Her mum replied, not looking up from the cutting board she was preparing dinner on.

“Do you or dad know what a fenian bastard is?”

Abigail’s mum stopped cutting the veggies and looked at Abigail.

“Gee, I dunno Abbie, maybe your father knows. Brad! Could you helps us with something hon’?”

“Yes dear?” Abigail’s dad called through from the living room.

“Any idea what a fenian bastard is Brad?"

Brad walked through to the kitchen, folding and tucking his newspaper under his arm while scratching his chin.

“Well gosh, that’s got me stumped, I’ve never heard of a fenian bastard before. I’ll ask the fellas in the office tomorrow and see if they know”

“Thanks Dad” Abigail smiled up at her father as he turned to return to the living room and resume reading his paper.

“Oh! Dad, could you ask them what a hun cunt is too?”

The following weeks were quite informative to Abigail, she learned about the religious divide in Glasgow and its two main football teams. She still didn't understand how the two were linked or why, but she was getting there. She'd also started to understand the local lingo a bit better, both spoken and typed over the internet.

She'd noticed that lots of people were talking about "the old firm game" and how it was expected to be a good one. Having no clue what this was, she asked Stephanie to fill in the blanks one day at school as they were walking to class.

"It's a game ae fitbaw between Ranger's and Celtic" (Stephanie had pronounced Celtic, "Sellick" for some reason) "It's like Glesga's Superbowl, except it happens a couple a times a year. And there's less adverts. And mare fightin'. And it's no shite."

"Ohhhh, I get it" Abigail said. "So it's like the Packers and the Bears, or the Cowboys and the Giants, right?"

Steph screwed up her face at Abigail

"Aye if ye say so hen." Steph's face then lit up like she'd just remembered something "Ye want tae come roon tae mine tae watch the game? Ma da will be away tae the pub tae watch it so we can watch it on the big telly, av got the rest ae the lassies comin' roon tae."

Abigail was mentally a couple of seconds behind as she ran the enigma of the Glaswegian dialect through her language decryption ciphers.

Eventually "Yeah, that sounds great Steph!"

Screenshots from Darren's party had been spread across various Facebook groups and it looked like Darren had commented on every single one of them, swearing revenge. He even got into a fight in school one day with one of the perpetrators of the digitised arson.

Darren wasn't the only one in trouble however.

Abigail was in the kitchen helping her mum prepare dinner, she heard her dad's car pull onto the driveway outside and laughed at her mum's joke about what her dad would think about having salad for dinner tonight. As Abigail heard the car door slam shut almost as loudly as the front door, she had the sense that a salad wasn't going to be what set her dad off.

"Abigail!" he called before even getting to the kitchen. "You and I need to have words young lady!"

Abigail and her mum shared a glance, her mum gave a shrug that said "I don't know".

Abigail's dad stormed into kitchen and pinned Abigail to the spot with his gaze "What's a "Fenian bastard"? What's a "Hun cunt"?" Each phrase was bitten off and punctuated with air quotes. "Where did you learn that sort of language young lady!?"

As Abigail's face grew to a deeper and deeper shade of scarlet, her mum walked to her husband and embraced him. "What's up honey?"

"Well!" Abigail's dad fumed. "I've had just a swell day at work! First, I found out that "Fenian" and "Hun" aren't phrases that should be thrown around a quarterly meeting with the company directors!"

Abigail's dad usually was a pretty chilled out guy, this was the angriest she'd ever seen him.

"Where did you learn that sort of language Abigail? I also didn't realise how much you were swearing either! I thought these were all single words "Huncunt" or something, you know I hate that sort of language under my roof."

Abigail blustered and stuttered incomplete excuses to her dad "Dad, well I, the other kids at school, and, well"

"That's enough missy" her dad cut her off with a slash of his hand through the air. "You're grounded." Abigail's "But, Dad" reply was cut short as her dad shouted over her, "I don't care about your dumb party tomorrow either, you'll just have to take your punishment and miss watching this soccer game with your friends."

"I'm sure you'll see them play each other during the playoffs, dear. Oh, what was the other thing Brad?" Abigail's mum was trying her best to smooth out the tension in the room and defuse things.

Abigail's dad didn't seem to get the message.

"Apparently "Bawbag Brad" isn't the nickname I thought it was, they're basically calling me nutsack Brad!" Her dad's voice took on an exacerbated tone, which Abigail couldn't help but stifle a laugh to despite the injustice done to her.

Her dad glared at her. "Go to your room Abbie, now!"

Abigail lamented over her now solitary weekend and she broke the news to Stephanie that she wouldn't be coming to the party, once Stephanie was finished laughing at Abigail's predicament, she told her that she'd be missed.

"Aw, aye, before a go, if ye dae want tae watch the game somebody'll huv a stream on the go in Island Explorers. Plenty folk hack a stream intae their island and get a squad roon tae watch it."

Stephanie signed herself off from the chat for the night. Despite having little to do the following day, stayed up late to devise a cunning plan.

The following day Abigail got up early, helped her mum around the house and cleaned both her mum and dad's cars. This put her dad in a significantly better mood (something Abigail had planned on all along) so he acquiesced to her request to play with her Nintendo.

She wasn't overly interested in football, she thought to herself "Soccer's dumb, all they do is kick the ball around and dive like they're Olympic gymnasts" Abigail had seen cheerleaders take harder knocks and stay upright, why couldn't these guys? Despite that she thought it was a decent enough way to waste her time today.

She trawled through a few of the Facebook groups and quickly found how to link a live video stream onto her island. Abigail had a big outdoor theatre set up on her island (she used to regularly have a movie night with all of her friends from the USA) and she set up the stream to play on that. She posted into a couple of groups a link to her island and set the preferences to "public - open" meaning people could come and go as they please, she'd seen quite a few people doing similar things but all the streams seemed to be "private - invite only".

She shrugged and copied the post to a few other pages and went to make some snacks before the game.

She returned to her game with a handful of snacks, all of which were soon forgotten when she seen just how busy her island was. Abigail's island "Never-never" was swarming with avatars, cute little characters controlled by players from all over Glasgow were congregating in various groups all around. She'd fenced off certain parts of her island, mainly her house and gardens, so no one could get there without Abigail first opening the gate. The rest of the island however, was swarming. She found it hard navigate her avatar around for all the speech bubbles obscuring her vision, as soon as she started to read what one said a different text bubble would pop up cutting on whatever she was being said.

Few of the avatars looked alike, but many had the same strips (or variations of) that she'd seen during Darren's failed party. A lead weight settled in Abigail's gut and she started to have doubts on the wisdom of throwing a party, she now realised why so many people throwing similar parties had set theirs to private. Deciding it was too late to change things now, she pressed on through the crowd to her big theatre screen and switched it on.

"Hey guys! Welcome to my party! I hope you all have an awesome time xD"

A flurry of speech bubbles exploded from the gathered crowd, from what Abigail could see people were cheering and having a good time.

She grinned to herself as she manoeuvred her avatar through the crowd again, she decided to quickly craft some fireworks and set them off when the match kicked off in five minutes.

As she busied herself in a little corner away from the group, she caught an glimpse of a speech bubble that looked worryingly familiar, the lead weight in her stomach felt significantly heavier now.

"FOLLOW FOLLOW WE WILL FOLLOW RANGERS! FUCKIN YAS YA CUNTS"

Darren's avatar trotted at the front of a group of around twenty other players, all dressed identically as he was in his teams blue colours.

They'd bullied their way to the middle of the clearing in front of the theatre screen and their chants were making reading anything else an impossibility. "HERE BOIS LETS GET THE SASH GAWN, A FUCKIN LOVE THAT SONG"

"A thought youd be oot deliverin the Avon fur yer da Dazza"

An avatar decked out in a green and white strip opposite from Darren detached himself from a group, most of which followed him and now stood across the clearing from the blue bubble of Darren's entourage.

"WIT YOU SAYIN JONNY A FUCKIN TAIG? YER MAW PUNS COUNCIL YA UNWASHED FUCKIN ZOMBIE" Darren's avatar stomped up and down as he delivered his reply. It was obvious the rest of the crowd had noticed this as no one else was saying anything.

"Am sayin' ahm just surprised ye've got time tae watch the game between deliverin Avon fur yer da and shaggin yer cousin" Various bubbles filled with "LOL" or "Haha" floated up around Jonny's retort.

"SHE WISNE MA FUCKIN COUSIN FUR FUCK SAKE, HOW MANY TIMES DAE A NEED TAE TELL YE YA TATTIE PEELIN CUNT!?"

"Aye? Tell is again who she wis Dazza"

Darren's reply didn't come as quick as his previous ones, Abigail guessed she wasn't the only one sat with baited breath infront of their console waiting for the reply.

"SHE WIS ONLY MA SECOND COUSIN"

A lull descended over the scene, if only for a second as Darren's declaration hung in the air, solitary.

The eruption of laughter wasn't confined to the game, Abigail burst into fits of giggle as flurries of "HAHA" and "LOL" burst from almost every avatar present.

"FUCK THIS MAN, INTAE THESE CUNTS TROOPS!"

Darren threw what was presumably the first item in his inventory, a rainbow trout, at Jonny which struck his avatar in the face and sent it to the ground. Darren's avatar sprinted forward with his group hot on his heels, Jonny's gang leapt to meet them and a melee broke out. Shovels, mops, brooms and fishing hooks rose and fell to the steady beat of "Boop!", the games default sound when a player was struck.

Other players had already started trashing and looting her island amidst the chaos.

"What the fuck is it with these Scot's and starting fires in this game!?" Abigail mumbled to herself, as she praised her forethought to fence off her home.

As Abigail tried deal with the situation, fire fighting both literally and metaphorically, she soon saw that the situation was well beyond her control. It wasn't long before she retreated to the safety of her garden, her own little oasis in the middle of this inferno. She sat her avatar on her porch swing and watched as the anarchy devolved to chaos and then from chaos to a small riot. Gangs still marauded around hunting for victims and fires still burned, but the pandemonium was slowly petering out.

The embers were finally dying out when...

"YE HINK YE'VE FUCKIN' WON THIS JONNY YA DICK? YER RANG, AV TEXT A FEW MATES AE MINE"

"That right Dazza? Av phoned a few ae ma boys tae"

Abigail sighed as two groups emerged, both clad in colours of the opposite team and significantly bigger than the previous groups.

A bubble popped up from one avatar amidst the ocean of blue and white "Intae these dirty cunts Inter City Boys!"

A reply popped up as a wave of green and white crashed against them "CSC number fuckin one!"

Abigail rolled her eyes and threw her Nintendo onto her bed, closing the game as she did so.

"Maybe it's time I found a new way to spend my time" Abigail thought as she scrolled through her news feed. She decided to take a break from Island Explorers and definitely wanted to keep her distance from this whole "Old Firm" and "Secterianism" thing, she really didn't understand it at all.

"Ohh, the school has a netball team, neat!"

Abigail clicked join on the group for Lochend's girls Netball team, The Green Brigade.

#short story #reading #readblr #writing #writers on tumblr #scottish writers #writeblr #phonetics #glasgow #glaswegian #animal crossing #rangers fc #celtic fc #story #storyblr

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thepartsyoullneversee · 6 years

Text

So today I had ma first proper fucked up thing happen with drugs that has actually scared me a wee bit but obviously no that much since I’ll be oot my wee banger again in 4 days time but aye, anywho, so we were all seshin over the weekend n it got tae Sunday everyone’s dying aff slowly but surely making their way hame so I thought to masel fuck it git yer arse in gear an git yersel in a 10 minute taxi up the road, after all I was the last man standing, as per usual. So books the taxi n goes about gettin ma shit together and ma nose starts to get itchy.. my eye catches the plate on the table with what can only be described as the mother fuckin daddy slugs of all slugs that I’d previously thought would make a good el night cap.

My phone buzzes - the taxis outside.

Everythings packed, only thing empty is my nose and my baggy and wallet if I had tae leave this phenomenal Special K on the plate to waste so like any other cunt, I hunkered doon, squared up the slug wae ma el school Reilly’s pool hall card, picked up the straw and after 6 full whack snorts it was finally all gone. Nae mare..all I had to do was get masel fae the front door tae the taxi and oot the other side. Oh I fuckin made it right into that taxi right but that’s where the story begings my friend. That’s where it all properly begins…

So it’s yer usual chat where ye goin? How ye dain? And so on right so a tell him where am goin and he’s still talkin away n I’m sat there thinking tae masel it’s takin me fuckin ages to answer masel in ma own heed tae the point a was near stoppin n start goin fuckin backwards let alone process anything this guy’s sayin to me. Aw a want is ma bed and ma burd fur a cuddle eae a big fat spliff y'know? So aye I’m no even in the car 2 minutes - like we are literally aboot 5 streets away from the hoose he picked me up at and still another 3.4 miles tae the destination tae go - and aw I can feel masel starting to phase right oot so a take oot ma phone n open up ma camera - fuck knows why.

Then the next thing I know I see the polis station tae ma left which is about 2 miles away fae ma hoose where he was supposed to drap me aff and the taxi drivers geein it he’s takin me to the polis station. Now bare in mind I’ve absolutely nae clue what’s happened and why or how long I’d been in his motor for so I start trying tae ask why he’s takin me tae the polis station when he knew the address I was going tae, I have more than enough cash on me tae cover the journey cause its never any mare than £7 for the 10/15 minute journey so wit the fuck happened in the last roughly 30 minutes to make him take me tae the polis rather than ma ain hoose. So trying to figure it oot whilst tryin tae find words fae somewhere tae ask wit was goin oan and fuck knows where fae a tell ye, but I managed tae find and get oot 3 words tae him “why the polis?” while waving two tenner notes tae him like hulloo av goat yer money wits the issue? It’s only 7 quid av goat 20 here? Taxi driver pulls up ootside the station, turns the engine aff takes aff his seatbelt n turns n looks at me n goes

“Hi hen welcome back don’t worry yer no in any harm or anythin you just got in the motor n ye completely spaced oot. Ye couldny string a sentence the gither n couldny even tell me yer name. Ye awrite? Wit did ye take? A took ye tae the drap aff address but when I asked ye for the cash ye just sat startin at yer hons like ye had nothin so ye couldny pay the fair n ye wur in absolutely nae fit state to be papped oot at a door step that I didny even know if ye had keys intae or that so I thought I would drive slowly round the long way fae the drap aff address tae the polis station tae gee ye time tae come round before we made any decisions and thankfully ye have y'know hen. Ye had me a bit worried so ye did.”

Noo am literally still phasing in n oot tryin tae take in everythin this blokes sayin and in ma ain heed tryin tae figure oot wit the fucks went oan but slowly but surely I pull words fae ma arse n still speaking slower than Steven Hawkins did, I start tae proper apologise tae the guy lit mate am so so fuckin sorry man I thought I woulda made it back tae the flat in time. Obviously that wisny the case here but i dae have yer money I have mare than enough look…See?? Can ye please just take me hame am aw good like I just need ma scratcher y'know? Thats if ye’ll still have me of course?“

Taxi driver gees it the whack a questions one by one like he’s been here done it aw before

Him: "Right so ye know yer no in any harm or that aye? ” Me: “aye”

Him: “And ye have came back too a wee bit noo aye?” Me: “Aye”

Him: “ And ye just wanty go hame n ye’ve definitely goat keys tae get intae the hoose aye?” Me: “Aye, that’s right aye please if ye could buddy.”

Him “Right hen just you take yer time n comin back round I’ll get ye up the road the noo. So what did ye take if ye dont mind me askin?”

Me: “awh driver am so sorry bud I really am. I eh took some gold ol Special K before I go in the motor”

Him: “Awh fur fuck sake hen. Ye need to watch yersel with these things noo a days. Ye dunno what yer gettin”

Me: “awk it was definitely ket got a good guy fur it y'know? Was just really fuckin bangin and was a big daddy slugger line I took”

Him: “aye hen I’ve had a few ae them masel yer that used tae such good shit that yer surprised it could be even better than usual y'know?”

Me: “Exactly mate. Exactly. Here mate thank you so much for being so reasonable n puttin up wae ma shit I hope I wisny a cunt or anythin tae you I’m so fuckin sorry if I was”

Him: “ naw hen ye were awrite honestly was just worried aboot ye. I seen yer wee eyebaws flicker when I first mentioned the polis I could see that wis the thing that if anything it would be the thing that would get ye back tae normality so I just kept sayin it to ye on the way to the polis station so ye knew wit was happenin and where ye were goin but yer aw good noo yer almost hame ye can get in tae yer pit n right intae la la Land.”

After aboot 10 minutes of back and forth chat and what felt like the fuckin worlds most longest taxi journey I was finally back at the original drap aff address. My ain hoose. Driver then stated the damage £14.50 for the near 9 mile trip round a part of Glesga - that's a 12 minute journey turned into a 40 minute journey so obviously I handed him the £20 n telt him tae keep the change for being such a fuckin true decent human being n a proper gentleman towards a young lassie alone in a vulnerable, albeit self inflicted state.

Might no be a lot of cash I gave him extra but am no minted n it wis aw I had oan me cause well let’s face it this stories aboot basically traveling another completely fantasy world/planet in the comfort of a Glesga Hampden taxi on St Paddy’s weekend.

Before I get oot the motor he makes me look out my keys so I know where they are. Make sure I have ma phone and any wallets or money too and lastly but no least tae look after masel and please don’t ever take ket before gettin in a taxi again cause that was fuckin scary hen. Everywan needs their blow oots but just be careful awrite? I’m glad yer awrite noo so goan get intae yer hoose feed yer animals and git tae yer bed and have a big spliff"

Me: “I canny thank ye enough driver yer a life saver and that is literally the case the day. You saved my life. I could have got intae any motor. It could have been any cunt driving the motor and bmmpphh before ye know it people are looking back to where I was last seen rather than lookin forward to where I should be goin yknow? Anyway thank you again man you truly are a legend n shook his hon for like the 50th time and wished him a happy days work an all the best in his future life n that I’ll definitely take this wae me.”

Oot the motor I go and stagger and fumble my way against the wind intae the building, up in the lift n spend a further 20 minutes trying tae get intae ma own hoose cause none ae the keys would fuckin work cause they were aw like marshmallow flumps and just wouldny go intsa the lock to the point I threw a pathetic tantrum and until a recent moment of clarification (I’m still hazy as fuck it’s only been like 7 hours since this happened) I have come to the realization I actually just sobered up enough for the keys to look like keys and tae pick the right key and get the door open before swiftly falling back in tae an unnatural coma state instead of actually “sweet talking” ma keys into one of them to miraculously stop being flumps and in fact be keys and open the door like I thought I had…

Noo am lying in ma bed still hazy as fuck writing aw this oot for absolutely nae reason but tae remind masel an important lesson…

Don’t leave the hoose on ket until yer a bit mare wae it and definitely no after a mother fuckin daddy slug..

Anyways until next time.. 👁️

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