do you have already some ideas for pride au s? i need to know what is going on in that blender that ur brain is. do u see him with high waisted levi’s and crop tops??? is he a total doormat for smiths enjoyer r??? i need to know more
hi omg yes! yes i do! s' deal is slightly different to r's, in that r has no parallel/does not correspond to any character in the original film, so i'm basically inserting him as a figure into the narrative (although as irrelevant as this is, to me he is. closest to bill nighy's cliff if cliff was a young man in the eighties xx), whereas s more or less fills the position that mark fills in the film. but other than that he is completely free 4 me to characterise and i think he will be so fun honestly! from the thoughts ive had so far hes sort of a mess of a guy at least to begin with. he is kind of moving at a hundred miles and hour + throwing himself into organizing this thing but if you were to slow him down and put him under a microscope hes uhhh. quite lost + lonely in a way. i expect it will not take him very long to become quite embarrassingly gone for r i think he will consider him the best thing since. sliced bread within hours of meeting him he is imagining them both as the two maidens of pompeii its. a really poor performance from him. he thinks r’s accent is sooo sexy every time he talks s is twirling his hair like omggggg. say that again or please elaborate please tell me more…please…..
also i am looking forward to dressing him up in fun outfits again because he is first and foremost my barbie i am just not sure what yet! i am not as familiar with the eighties as i am with the seventies in a lot of ways so. the setting and everything that comes with that will be really fun to research xx although i am struggling to decide on s' music taste!! r lends himself very well to eighties music i think i could build him a record collection easily (including the smiths sad but true) whereas. s seemed to fit better in the seventies :-/ i am not sure what hes listening to in the eighties apart from seventies records he hasnt let go of yet!! and despite the much more glaring aspects of this fic i have yet to turn my attention to frankly. deciding what silly little songs s wants to listen to is currently one of my main priorities xx
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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
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for anyone too young to know this: watching The Truman Show is a vastly different experience now, compared to how it was before youtube and social media influencers became normal
before it was like, "what a horrifying thing to do to a human being! to take away their autonomy and privacy, all for the sake of profits! to create fake scenarios for them to react to, just to retain viewership! to ruin their happiness just so some corporate entity could harvest money from their very humanity! how could anyone do something so evil?"
and now it's like, "ah, yeah. this is still deeply fucked up, but it's pretty much what every influencer has been doing to their kids for a decade now. probably bad that we've normalized this experience"
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corrupted godhood. reluctant false messiah. prophecy as a creeping all consuming malady. does the oracle see the future or make the future? the horror of trapping yourself inescapably on purpose. the chains of destiny dragging you towards the path you are fighting tooth and nail to free yourself from. there never having been a chance to begin with. no other choice to make. but making that choice regardless.
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