#even if i was kinda fucked bc i didn't learn much the year before LOL
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in my downward spiral of simping over miguel i realized that spanish is SO sexy. i've been blind this whole time
#i'm. fine#im fine#i feel bad i took spanish for 3 years back in high school but i remember basically nothing#lo siento maestra :')#ngl i miss that class#random sol lore drop but in my school district#u could take spanish 1 in 8th grade and if u did u can go directly to spanish 2 in ur first year of highschool#so obviously that's what i did bc 3 years of foreign language were required to graduate#and if i can finish sooner i would#my 8th grade spanish teacher ended up transferring schools and she started teaching at my hs when i took spanish 3 so i saw her again#i was so happy when she remembered me😭#she made learning spanish rlly fun tbh#my spanish 2 teacher wasn't very good so i struggled a lot and i ended up hating the class#but having my og teacher made it fun again#even if i was kinda fucked bc i didn't learn much the year before LOL#i remember asking her 'co se llama (whatever i didn't know) en español?'#SO often 😭😭😭 god bless her soul since she never got mad for asking#i miss u maestra i hope ur doing well wherever u are#she got pregnant toward the end of my junior year and i got to see pictures of her baby my senior year#so cute 🥺🥺🥺#sol.txt#OOPS i meant 'como se llama' in the earlier tag LOL tf is co se llama
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i've been so curious about this 'unofficial therapist' that thursday had???? which member is he? how did they find him?? could he always play an instrument or did they ask him to learn so they could keep him around? did he actually help that much? how did it change thursday's writing? i don't expect you to have the answer to all of these things but you seem to know a lot about them and if nothing else i need to know who their therapist is and what 'unofficial' means in this case if you can help at all!
oh lol haha unofficial in the very literal sense so my guy andrew everding of the "no one ever expects it" chest hair fame from my chemical romance in the studio 2002 (@3:10) is like...the y/n of thursday.
he's just a nice dude who hangs around and everyone likes, good friend of the guys in thursday, and then his house burns down and he has nowhere to stay so thursday were like yo just come tour with us and he did. because he's also a very talented (multi?-)instrumentalist and, as it turns out, a great composer too. also at some stage he lived with geoff's mom? it is unclear if this is before or after the fire and/or joining thursday as a touring member. he also photographed their first west coast tour in 2002?
so like anyway by 2003 he's playing keys for the watt tour which is like.....I'd say the darkest point of thursday's history but that would be a fucking lie lol. let's say the darkest point of thursday's history so far. the guys are super stressed, super overworked, super depressed, and under loads of pressure from their label who's saying they're underperforming the expectations they had for them. geoff in particular is copping a lottt of criticism for his singing which he really internalised, and basically everyone in the band is miserable. they were also. not fucking talking to each other. like at all. they would just all constantly bitch about each other behind everyone's back and never say shit to their face. andrew, as a touring member but not official member, and as a Nice Guy, ends up becoming like...the intermediary to whom everyone in the band went to vent. so he's like trying to fix their shit and be positive and he puts his foot down and is like guys you NEED to learn to COMMUNICATE. (spoilers they didn't) but anyway the band after a particularly nasty and conflict-laden tour of australia in 2004 are like fuck this we're breaking up! but then as soon as they agreed to breaking up they were like wait. so much of the pressure is gone now. actually we're good we just need a break :) but media has kind of already picked up on the story of them breakup up so it was all dreadfully will they/won't they. this is also right as three cheers is blowing the fuck up btw 😭😭 #we'retwosidesofthesamecoin #he'smyvillain.
oh shit and then they go on warped 04 as what would have been kinda their last thing but they're like hey look at this we're sorta starting to work on our problems! oh and then at the vegas date 24yo geoff gets shotgun married to a woman he'd been dating for two years with mcr, tbs, and the bouncing souls as the wedding party 😭😭😭😭😭.
ANYWAY. they end up not breaking up but take a break from touring and then all move in together for a while? i think bc they were a little scattered at that point and geoff might have been living in sydney (his wife was australian) at the time idk so when he came over to do thursday shit they just like lived together apparently. and they write city by the light divided (so titled bc the band, naturally, was totally divided on how they wanted the album to sound lol). anyway the main difference now is this time round they've invited andrew to join as an official member!! :DDD
...unfortunately for andrew, this is also the time thursday stops being even slightly commercially viable lol so he's like technically im earning less money now than i had been on a tour salary lolz. anyway he becomes a big part of the writing process, especially for that album and no devolucion, the instrumentals if which were apparently driven pretty heavily by him!
then in 2008 onwards thursday were all broke as fuck and needed to get day jobs to pay rent. most of them went into like...food service or painting houses, but tucker drummed for mcr for a bit and andrew worked as.....a guitar tech? for patd????? (also after the break up, tucker was in boy band the wanted for a while as their touring drummer. he loved it lol <3)
anyway tragically, andrew hasn't appeared at any of the reunion shows 😔. he's private so no details but he was dealing with some health issues towards the end of thursday that contributed to the band deciding to break up and has a baby and shit now. but he did continue touring as a musician a bit, like with neil finn in 2014!!!!!! playing some wacky fancy midi/synth electronic instrument iirc? epic collision of my childhood fave and new-adulthood fave.
anyway lol this is all typed out in bed on my phone off the top of my head so there might be some chronology errors in there, but a lot of this is from their documentary, kill the house lights! it's a comedy. dark comedy.
#andrewnation <3
#ummmmm if i remember I'll go back and properly source some of this shit skdjfkdf#man sometimes i forget how wild thursday is until i start listing facts about thursday#andrew everding#thursday#answered#**
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so ive heard that you have more triptrack lore????????
*stares at you intensely, full of platonic love for you and your work*
would you like to tell us about it? :D
hello! thank you so much.... some more important lore is probably upcoming pretty soon so i wont spoil that ( if anyone even notices the lore anyway idk )
some stuff i probably wont go into much more than whats already in the comic is reds backstory, i think you can kinda pick up the vibe of whats going on with him, but i can go into it here + some stuff abt the world :) some people picked up on it fine, and some people still seem confused about it, but the uv levels output by the sun in triptrack are too high for human survival without protective measures. i dropped out of highschool and i never went to classes before that anyway, i have no idea how science works. the ozones fucked in some way. i usually call it murder sun. you can wear sunscreen but its a bit risky, and extremely expensive. only really rich people can afford it & you still need to protect your eyes & mouth. masks and gloves r more common. half masks are more of a fashion item but remove some risks associated with sunscreen.
red always wore a mask but someone he was working with (nefarious work) ripped it off to try kill him a while back, you can see a hand print on his face 125 i think, some people assumed its his own handprint but it came from that person holding him down. they were friends, so hes a bit distrustful of people now, understandably i think. It damaged his eyes a lot but he could afford to get them fixed a little bit, he only had the money to do that and nothing else, his skins still kind of actively injured, not healed bc hes never been able to afford healthcare. Red doesnt feel negative about how he looks at all, its the least of his concern- hes in excrutiating pain 24/7, he just wants his facial nerves dealt with & doesnt care about anything else- hes considered getting the handprint tattood to match the rest of his face, but he decided its better to save his money for other stuff. stealing tex will get him enough money for fairly permanent pain relief, after that i imagine he'll just get a new mask & put some less ugly clothes on and leave the whole stealing thing behind, he's very tired. triptrack wouldnt have happened if red had free healthcare.
just to like state outright, tex is a robot, some poeple believed him when he said "im not a robot", sorry i didnt even think abt people thinking he was telling the truth, my bad. shae ( if anyone remembers her its been 60 years ) isnt a robot, though. Terry is the younger brother, he shares a lot of code with tex but ms tarantula built his body, whereas she didn't tex's. tex is a lot stupider than terry because of creative differences at the time of tex's creation i guess. he can get smarter but he's been very sheltered his entire life. Terry doesnt really care about being a robot (he doesnt care about much) but tex appreciated red not knowing at least for a little bit. Shae will probably sue mt. co. if anyone. remembers. that. either. I think for my next comic im going to make whole chapters and upload them in chunks like that so people dont have to read it so slowly.
also not very important but glass city used to be an ocean!
you can see a little bit of water at the corners of this panel, and theres whale skeletons scattered around. also they tried to built a dome around it to keep the uv out but it was a disaster, shards of it also just hang out around the city from that.
also theres not very many people want windows, so all the more space for advertisement hell.
I definitely dont think i've gotten triptracks stuff across very well, but also i kind of like how vague it is. triptrack has a l o t of issues, and i want to go back to it when its done and make a like,.. triptrack dx or something lol. but its my first comic so like.... to be expected i guess.. ive learned a lot from it. paperteeth also has so many issues & i didnt really put much i learned from triptrack into it but thats because it was supposed to be a fun little side project! that i didnt have to think about too hard! then it exploded and ate triptrack for breakfast. rip. ( i am grateful though i just. didnt think that would happen, if i did, i would have tried harder lmao) so. yeah!
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hello Zumi have you ever tried competitive Pokémon on smogon?
Nop, never really was my thing. I used to play on showdown, sure, but it'd usually be random battles or hackmons. Actual competitive play stressed me out a bit too much, and I had a really terrible experience when i tried getting into it a bit more by applying for a spot as a leader for an online league, so I've just never bothered since.
Shoutout to Bibs for being a homie w/ hackmons/random battles tho. that shit was fun and i miss it sometimes
For the drama bit, I'll just put it under the cut bc no one really needs to see a wall of text ab me getting salty about it again but wow i sure still think about it sometimes. this was all skype era shit btw, but it's arguably one of the very few things that literally had me seething, which is why I've never bothered with anything comp related since
Funnily enough, the drama wasn't even related to the actual competitive aspect of the whole league that I was supposed to be a part of -- it was bc someone on the league's board committee was awfully petty and two-faced LOL… All bc they didn't like I was potentially going to overshadow their work.
I actually knew them well before this. They were pretty friendly towards me at first, and they initially approached me because wanted to learn how to do pixel art better, so I taught them! They acted really grateful when I gave them advice, and hell, they even did some sprites for Rejuvenation at the time as it was at a time that I was extremely busy with school.
Now fast forward a bit, and a group of ppl from the same community set up an online Showdown league, with leaders for each type. That person was on the board committee, but some other members of the board committee were going behind their back in order to actually recruit me for the league as a leader. I passed the tryouts, and got into the group.
Kicker is, the reason why they went behind the person's back, is bc apparently That Person(TM) was absolutely adamant about not wanting me on the team!
The reason for that?
They didn't want me there so I couldn't get a chance to do any art for the league, because they were afraid they'd get overshadowed by me.
This sounds like bragging, and god i fucking WISH I was kidding in that regard, but I'm completely serious 💀 Apparently ANOTHER league wanted my assistance for sprites, but because That Person(TM) was already on the team, they started throwing a shitfit about how they absolutely could NOT work together with me without wanting to give a real reason, they just kept insisting that they absolutely couldn't. The chatlogs of these moments were sent to me after a group of ppl who were getting aggression aimed at them from the person.
I kinda pieced things together because they were sucking up to me for art advice until they learned what they needed, then I lost contact with them until I got drafted for the league, after which they just... Wanted to chew me out instead, lol. despite never having done anything to prompt such hatred. all i did was help and be nice. and after seeing the logs it kinda clicked in my head that that's what was going on.
funnily enough this all happened around the time they were sucking up to jan bc they were asked to do some work for rejuv, but that shit fell through real quick once jan got the logs of all the shit they've been saying lmao
A whole bunch of shit happened after that, but basically I left the league, some ppl left bc I left, other members got fed up w/ That Person(TM)'s shit and the whole league crumbled before it ever got the chance to take off LOL.
It's genuinely one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced that someone abused my trust in a person like that, only using me for my skills, and it actually gave me some trust issues for a few years whenever people asked me for art advice!
i had a whole document of bullshit that this person pulled. i still actually have it somewhere, and frankly i probably should just delete it at some point bc it has no use and i haven't seen this person around in a long time bc they basically got chased out of the community for being a shithead. in my defense for that document though, the fact that a person drove me to get so mad that i started collecting receipts on them kinda tells how hurt i got about this whole situation. to say they were an awful person not only just to me but to a lot of my friends as well is an understatement
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I think him not deleting himself is a better way for the story when it comes to meeting the people he's affected, I just think that the way he deleted himself was better way for the story for himself. I think they handled his attempted suicide and attempt to fix things really well, because not only does it show that you can't actually change the past or future of teyvat unless you're an alien variable, but also that he was willing to take his life for a person he spent hundreds of years "hating" just because he learned they didn't betray him. It just fits really well with how he still hadn't moved on from the death of the first people who let him exist as himself.
I'm explaining this kinda messy because I'm hungry rn :/ but what I mean is I think what they did with the story was the best for both teyvat lore in general and also his own self, but if he's to meet the inazuma squad in an event or something I think it's gonna be kinda messy to write it well. Like maybe they'll just include a line that's like "oh yeah the traveller told me about you etc etc" and I don't really want that, but I also don't want one of those black background white text "wanderer explains what he did in the past" so even though I really like the way it's written I'm kinda worried for the conclusion of his own arc (kaedehara buddhist enlightenment) because I can't think of a way to show it well without it being either very long or anticlimactic
YESSSS i agree with you onn that. i think ive talked about how i do like (from a storytelling perspective, not.. you know.. LOL) the severity and SWIFTNESS of his decision to erase (kill) himself. it was very stomach-dropping in the moment if you were someone that already cared about him. i actually remember putting the game down and walking over to my roommate to just sit in silence for a little bit LMFAOOO. it exemplifies how impulsive & swayed by emotion he is and just how deeply his self hatred motivates his actions as well as his EXTREME DESIRE to love and trust others (and how he felt like he couldnt for so so so long). but i also think it effectively shook any mistaken preconceptions other players might have had if they werent as invested in his character (people who thought he was irredeemably evil or inherently malicious in character, it's pretty hard to believe that about someone who can regret their actions so much and so quickly and immediately try to correct what he's done at his own expense). i'll try and go find & reblog my initial thoughts ab the quest tbh i wanna go reread what i wrote.
from like an authorial perspective, erasing himself from irminsul feels very much like one of those "i want to write this so bad because i think it is a fascinating development for this character, but it does not fit in with what i want to do with this character in the future and therefore might be more trouble than its worth as it undermines other plot points i would like to achieve with this character" which when i encounter that i usually write the scene to get the inspiration OUT but treat it as a separate timeline or a "what if."
this is legit completely personal opinion so it doesnt rly fucking matter at all but i honest to god don't find "no matter what you do, the past cannot be changed" something to be particularly interesting. so i guess thats why i have so many qualms with this direction. maybe its bc like. duh. to me. and maybe bc im not particularly invested in the overall story, so i didn't catch anything it might move along in the traveler's development. So i guess thats why im a believer in 'this could have been done differently and better. some Other way for him to find out about niwa.' especially because i've already had a myriad of qualms with the storytelling regarding scara before this point. so my perspective is a bit warped by opinions .
i think i just HATTTE the clunkiness that i expect to follow in regards to his character relationships. like there is something so uncomfortable about it to me like, i just.. u word it very well. it's gonna be Messy. and im always stressed about "messy," especially because i already felt like the storytelling behind his resolution was Already messy. the quest itself re-iterated his past .. so many times... i remember getting Annoyed... (through a) already accessible lore, b) that stupid academic paper, c) irminsul scene d) the "storybook", ANDDD e) re-living his memories... it felt very repetitive, almost overkill to me). so im just dreading what's to come especially if has to re-hash things to characters in-game that have already been explained to the player literally four sometimes five times over. i just want to get to new developments, NEW plot-points, NEW storylines and i want them to be COMPELLING and i want him to develop COMPLEX and MOVING and STRONG character relationships.
#AOEUHGHHH#this is probably just a symptom of caring more ab a single character than the overall story he is a part of tbh#cuz we all know idgaf ab genshin like that#tw suicide
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hi swaggy! :)
ok apparently this is the first season of major league baseball where they’re implementing the “pitch clock” which is supposed to make the games slower lmaoo😭 so from 3hrs 15mins on avg in previous years to 2hrs 45mins avg rn
but every time they switch which team is in the field or swap out pitchers it’s a good 2-5 minute break so that’s when i was watching ted lasso lmaoo
but i’m on the finale of season two and my goal is to catch up to the episodes of s3 that r on the illegal site im watching it from before passover starts tonight and it’s no technology till saturday night lmaoo
i love that shabbat and jewish holidays force me to not use technology and take a break but three days in a row can b a bit much tbh djdbsb also i have to help my mom run the little kids activities during prayer so the kids don’t annoy their parents and usually we don’t do it during holidays only on shabbat but this year we’re supposed to do it during the holiday??? which means i have to b up and dressed and at the synagogue at 10am for the next three days and i don’t have candy to give them this week so i’m kinda fucked but that’s ok lmaooo
-american anon :)
AMERICAN NONNY!! HELLO!! sorry this took so long to answer i wanted to give u a proper reply!!
wait so u mean the average game was longer than 3 hours... and its been SHORTENED to 2 hours 45mins... thats still longer than a world cup match w extra time... holy crap. WHY??? maybe it's bc we didn't play properly in phys ed but it never felt like thaaaaaat long of a game uk??
HFMSKDK UR ALREADY PAST ME IN EPS SO DONT SPOIL NUTHIN!!
i had jewish friends growing up and i remember we couldn't plan anything w them on saturday bc its the day of rest, thats the shabbat right? but they always came w this super tasty bread on monday which i never learned the name of bc i took for granted all the times they brought it for me and now i cant find it anywhere anymore 😭😭.
uk it sucks that atrocities are committed and religion is used as an excuse bc so much of it is about community and coming together, even if it means babysitting lil kids lol. ex. at my mosque girls who aren't praying taraweeh will volunteer to do the same w kids so that they dont bother the rest of the ppl who r praying. and even then we have a different section for mothers who have younger kids so that it's all contained in one space. it gives u a sense of belonging and togetherness uk??
also i looked this up bc i didn't want to seem ignorant but i got conflicting answers online so here's me asking u my lovely jewish american nonny: if u cant use technology (which i assume is anything electrical/gas operated) do u have special ovens and stoves to cook with (ex. wooden)? but i guess not everything needs to be cooked. or maybe it's all done before hand and stored?
1-3 days w out technology sounds nice. itd be like a heavenly mandated break from the source of all my anxieties lol. i wish u luck in dealing w the children 🫡🫡 ik first hand how tiring that gets.
#american anon#asks#i realized me and my jewish friends growing up never rlly asked eachother anything#we just all kinda coexisted w out learning details about eachother#i mean i guess bc most of us were north african we had enough cultural similarities that we didn't bother w religious differences
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End of the year ask
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I'm so late but ty for the ask!! <33
1. Song of the year?
That's so fucking hard to answer?? I think it's a tie between Spillways and Griftwood
2. Album of the year?
Legally obligated to say Impera. cmon
3. Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year?
Very end of the year find but House of Harm is becoming a favorite of mine really quickly
8. Game of the year?
I barely played anything this year tbh :/ I'll say Omori bc I finally finished it and it was super good!!
9. Best month for you this year?
So glad that I had such a good year that it's hard to choose lol my whole summer of july to september were the absolute best, I got to spend a lot of time with my best friends, traveled to visit some amazing places and saw some really cool bands! I can't just choose one bc these three months felt like a whole year to themselves
11. Something you want to do again next year?
I went to a very cool underground bar/venue in my town for the first time and I really hope I get to go more often!! I really want to see more little shows this year basically
12. Talk about a new friend you made this year
HI HIIIIII @niimuue !! Ok so technically we've known each other since before this year. BUT. I didn't meet anyone new and I feel like we really got to know each other this year!! I'm so glad we started talking more,, not to be sappy but you're a literal ray of sunshine in my days when I talk to you. ok i love you
13. How was your birthday this year?
Pretty fun! We had a picinc at the park with my friends and I got to eat some good cake :) Didn't cry this year wich is an achievement (yipee)
14. Favorite book you read this year?
Oh Gideon The Ninth hands down. I jumped head first into tlt and I don't regret anything (currently working on a Harrow cosplay too!!)
18. A memorable meal this year?
Oh I got a real stupid one for this. My bf and I went on a trip to Italy this summer and on our last day we were eating outside and we had?? a french youtuber stumble and almost fall RIGHT beside our table it was such a weird moment of recognition I was stunned because?? is this who I think it is that almost ate shit right beside me?? in Italy of all places???? And when I asked my bf if he recognized the guy bc I wanted to be sure of who I saw, he didn't even know him.
19. What’re you excited about for next year?
Seeing Ghost again lmao. Also getting more tattoos!
20. What’s something you learned this year?
Kinda learned to set better boundaries! It's helped a lot to be able to protect myself and not let people walk all over me, and being able to communicate in a healthier way when ppl I care about are hurting me and not realizing it
21. What’s something new about your place of residence (room, home, or general location) now vs the start of the year?
Umm acquired more trinkets and Miku figures lmao,, Oh I also reorganized my print wall but other than that not much has changed!
22. Favorite place you visited this year?
Edinburgh for suuuure I really fell in love with the whole city but the castle was especially beautiful
25. Did you create any characters (in games, art, or writing) this year? Describe one
Yeah I made a few new characters for my graduation portfolio :^) I don't want to spoil too much so I'll briefly talk abt Josué! He's a member of my main cast of monsters and he's a cool guy with 4 arms ans that's all you'll get for now!! I'll post about them all when I make full illustrations hehe
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i've had this thought ruminating and i'm attempting to words
wrt "i cannot be traumatized, i never show any signs of being traumatized" and then years and years later i find myself researching things for No Particular Reason
i have an example situation but throwing under cut bc long + talk about child death
so.
when my baby brother (same dad, different mom) died my grieving process looked like me crying for maybe two minutes when i got the news, and then i was done. my other brother and i did not get to go to the funeral or anything (not sure what my dad's logic behind that was). we did get to make a 'final message' to be burned with him for the urn. that was nice, but that was also just one relatively small thing. i don't remember how long it was before we even visited the grave with my dad.
this was the first time in my life that i was old enough to really understand and remember a family member dying. with my great grandparents i was so young i barely remember the ones i did meet.
it was never really discussed. my mom was the only one who even asked if i was doing ok or wanted to talk. and i just say nah i'm good. the only other time any relative brought it up was months, maybe a year later when i was visiting my (paternal) grandma and she said how she believed juho never talked bc he 'knew' he was 'only visiting'. which i said nothing to bc it was helping her grieve i guess, but this was basically the only time i remember anyone acknowledging him not talking and it weirded me out tbh.
(he was almost four. i don't remember at which point it clicked that oh yeah kids usually talk at least a little by then. no fucking clue if it was ever looked into. im like 99% sure he did vocalize some, but didn't even cry/laugh/etc much? i actually struggle remembering him doing so. he was very quiet even beyond not talking.)
about a year after his death at school we had a writing assignment to make a short autobiography and like. of course i mention this! two fucking years of a sibling dealing with cancer that unfortunately ended in death kinda was a notable part of my life at that point. and when we got graded and my teacher had added a note on the margins offering condolences and i was weirded out bc i didn't know how to deal with that. i just felt like i should comfort this completely unrelated person bc i'm Totally Fine and there is no need for fussing about it, why should she feel sorry for me in the first place??
anyhow. it was this year that i bumped into videos about how to talk to kids about death and how well kids at a given age understand death and suddenly i was extra interested in death related stuff (certainly wasn't before /s). and i remember wondering, way back then, if juho understood what was going on, or if anyone even tried to explain anything to him.
(i started typing more but it was getting into actually upsetting enough territory that this would turn into a proper vent/rant so let's just leave it there for now.)
i've had to learn not to bottle up and repress everything as an adult. it's an. ongoing process. but like. this^ sort of things have been happening for a few years and then when it does and i connect some dots, and proceed sit there a bit like
(but like half the time only on the inside.)
like even now it's like. i'm fine? but at the same time not, not in the sense i thought, before it hit me how much this and that in fact did impact me while i was busy brushing everything upsetting aside for later (read: to never be thought about ever)
((also in case anyone's wondering bc hk is the dead baby pit fandom, i'm good, the dark humour etc is fine and probably helps tbh. been really thinking about dead and dying children for the first time in ages and do i have thoughts that have been marinating for a while lol.))
#yourebabblingjulle#i'm ok just Thinking#have been thinking for some time but i want to write it down#so yelling into the void it is
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when did this even start tho like when did i lose my hope?? i think it was like in september already lmao or maybe in october but definitely not later than that. awful. and what did cause it? obviously the binges. and what caused the binges? i honestly have no fucking clue, i can't even remember. i think at first i was just slightly overeating and then it got worse. i honestly can't remember much, those were bad times. these still are. lmao i won't even remember like anything from my teenage years, so fun lol.
anyway, so what caused this downward spiral??? therapy wasn't good. it made me feel awful about myself. i remember sitting there at the group therapy appointment (tho this happened i think in december not in autumn) while this very kind girl who used to have a restrictive ed was talking abt how she's free now and how she dkesn't need to rly think abt eating too much and she can enjoy her life instead, and i'm just sitting there like wow. like some people can do this. just gain the necessary wight and then go on with their lives. like i used to be underweight too, i was forced to gain weight (like i wanted to gain weight and recover from my ed on my own terms, i had a plan and i could've succeeded if i wasn't fucking forced tk stuff my face all the time i think, bc i was forced i was tracked, my weight, what i eat, everything and it was honestly traumatising) and now here i am lmao i've gained so much more weight and i am struggling so so fucking much. therapy was awful. i was told to just not buy the food i binge on, but i could binge on everything. cocoa powder, or plain rice cakes, mustard or ketchup on it's own, anything. it was so disgusting, now i don't do that now i basically only binge on sweets and bread which is still an awful and big big problem but less disgusting.
also, the things some people said were awful too (i mean my friend's dad, and my dad) and i just feel like everybody is judging me. i am so scared. when are they going to just tell me to step on the scale or that i need to lose weight asap? bc my dad used to think i was overweight (i wasn't) before i lost weight at first, so idk. maybe he thinks that again and he is so disappointed in me. i always disappoint him. he doesn't want me to become a mathematician, he wants me to learn how to code instead and be a programmer or whatever the name of that job is. which is obviously a rly cool job but i love maths so much and i want to study that!! it is the only healthy thing that makes me happy atm.
so yeah i felt like i kept disappointing people and it was awful and only food made me feel a little bit better. i love food. i wish i wasn't so weird about it.
and yeah than it got worse and worse and worse. i also didn't give a shit abt anything but maths and used to stay up all night to study maths and it wasn't helthy neither physically nor mentally. and i kinda ruined myself further. and now here i am.
idk what to do. i am so scared of therapy. i don't want to be told again that having been repeatedly sexually assaulted was my fault too. what could i have done. i was just a girl with no friends and already existing daddy issues. i needed love, and in that desparate state you let the person who is willing to love you do whatever they want to you.
so yaaa. this why i am so confused and not so so full of hope.
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Nonsensical disorganized OFFENSIVE rant bc I have no one to talk to, an everyone tells you you can only trust in or rely on yourself and everyone is ultimately alone.
Idk Warning: triggering if you consider yourself my friend ig. It's a rant let me express my fucking feelings man. I need to let it out. You don't have to read this if it'll offend you. Might as well go in my notes app but writing here is comfier and can let me send it to the void.
I guess I will write this here bc it's a better place to write than even my notes app and I know no one actually gives a ducking fuck about what I write or have to say ever.
And I kinda have no one to talk to/rely on... Which ironically is what what I'm writing is about lol
But lately I've been genuinely asking what the point of connecting with other people is?
Idk maybe this is why I have found it so hard to interact with people and just get by with my own company. I just don't see the point.
Like, everyday you hear how you must be self-reliant and self-sufficient because people won't always be there for you... Nay people will NEVER be there for you, you can't trust people or rely on them, either bc they have their own problems or whatever.
And you don't want to come across as a needy little bitch like me, (that's why people always leave you -my therapist and my family)
And surely all my life I've tried to get by on my own. Hell, early on I learned that I couldn't even rely on my own parents (the people that are supposed to take care of you and love you?) for anything and had to do everything myself. I was either neglected emotionally and physically (learning to make myself food) or I even had to parent my own parents. Like, my mom always used me as an emotional dumpster, and whenever my parents couldn't figure something out they'd turn to me, I cannot count the amounts of times they used me as a counselor to help them decide whether they should geta divorce or not... Like my mom talking to me about... how miserable her sex life was.
And... I also have always had the tendency for being the "therapist" friend, even people who didn't know me used to use me to dump their problems on me in middle school bc I was so "mature" and a "good listener" and always knew just "what to say".
If I had a dollar for everytime someone has told me I should study psychology I probably wouldn't need to work at all at this point.
One of the few people from my childhood who still talks to me (more on that later) has even claimed that I literally saved her life on a couple of occasions. I won't go into too much detail out of respect for her privacy but... Let's just say that she was going through a real rough time in middle school, she came from a really neglectful family where her older sister played the part of her mother only to pass away the same year she found out she had a condition that disabled her. On top of that her sister had left behind her three kids who, fell into my friend's caregiving so (first you loose your sister/mother figure, then you are disabled and then you have to take care of three kids while you're in middle school).
Needless to say she was in a rough spot, and many people started treating her differently or didn't talk to her anymore, I remember I would always see her outside of her classroom during recess alone either in a wheelchair or next to her crutches and I would just... Talk to her IG? It could be bc I'm neurodivergent, but I never saw her any differently and would still talk about the nerdy interests we used to talk to about before everything, like the most recent Marvel movie etc (way before it was "cool" to like marvel). Maybe at most it was a "yo what's up? When did you start using crutches? It's been a while since I saw you! Have you watched this movie yet?". Maybe it's bc I'm super dumb and oblivious but I never even "realized" she was technically "disabled" until much later, for me she was just my friend, and sure maybe sometimes I noticed I walked faster and she struggled catching up, but it was never a big deal for us? For me she was the same person I knew before, and I even admired how much of a badass and strong she was? Idk, she was always so tough and never let people get on top of her. She was literally the person you could always go to if you wanted to kick someone's ass or insult them.
I did however notice that at some point she seemed really off and down and when I asked her she told me about her sister, which I didn't know about. I don't exactly remember what my response was but she told me I was the only one who knew what to say and was able to comfort her and actually "see" her, and she later confessed I literally saved her life that day.
I guess I just tried to be the friend I wish people were to me for the longest time?
I remember I would also do my best to remember people's birthdays so I could surprise them that day and make them feel like at least I cared about them even if no one else did (hehe projecting much am I?). If someone was struggling I tried to be there bc I wish someone would have been there for me many times before.
And I guess it was nice... But then I've also learned I can't really rely on anyone but myself?
Like, I'm the person who's always there for people when they need me, but the time I need someone to be there for me (even if it's just a shoulder to cry on) there's absolutely no one?
I'm the one who remembers everyone's birthdays, but no one remembers mine. Or the one who always has to be strong for others but can never rely on anyone else so I'm left in this state where I always have to be strong and it gets exhausting? Where I always have to pick myself up without anyone's help or anyone even giving a fuck about how I'm doing.
And I know it's not always bc people "suck" or don't "want" to be there, but they just aren't?
Remember that friend I mentioned? I love her to hell and back, but I also know I can't rely on her when I need someone. It's hard to explain but everytime I've needed someone she either wasn't there, told me to get over it or the conversation ended with me trying to comfort her (?). For example the day a loved one died and I needed to talk to someone I thought maybe I could rely on her but she ended up just talking about her sister (years later) and I ended up being the one comforting her instead, when I was the one who at the time needed comforting. (And when I've tried communicating this it has turned out into her thinking she's a horrible person and me trying to reassure her she's not, even though I was just telling her I needed someone to be there for me)
(WHICH I don't mind, I would always be there to listen to her but that time I wasn't in the best headspace to be dealing with other's people's emotions on top of my own!).
Later the same people I had always been there for literally left the moment I came out of the closet.
A few months ago another friend told me she loved candy corn and it was her favorite food/candy but they don't sell them where she lives, so one time when I found some I immediately thought of her and bought them... Well just when I was talking with her and telling her about getting her candy corn and talking about seeing her so I could give them to her, she just ghosted me soon afterwards and I have never known why or why she just... Ghosted me out of nowhere.
A close friend of mine actually stopped talking to me after he found out I had a depression diagnosis... No not bc I was a "bummer" when I was with him or bc I talked about my issues with him, just bc I HAD depression and he didn't want to be associated with "those people" (that and his gf... Who I helped him get with actually, didn't want him to talk to me anymore).
(I actually remember how I was in a phonecall with him when I was telling him, and I was crying... Actually the first and only time I cried in his presence... bc my dad and brother where making me take care of them and treating me like shit bc I was "a woman" and it was therefore my "job" and when I told him about my depression he just got disgusted and hung up and never spoke to me again, he only ranted to his friend that people like me just didn't want to get better and where not good to be around).
It seems that everyone eventually leaves when they find something, even if it's the most trivial thing about me they don't like?
And idk ig.
Even my fucking therapist was like "fuck you you don't try hard enough I'm done with you".
Like everytime I could use someone, I'm left completely alone?
And at the best of times it's bc they themselves are not available but the other half it's literally people using me? Or just not giving a shit?
I remember a time when I opened up about... certain sexual abuse I had been through and that girls response was "oh well you'll get over it", which really hurt? Bc it was really hard in the first place for me to open up about it? Or then there's the time my uncle died or when I got COVID and no one even asked me how I was doing, one of them even went as far as being like "oh okay well talk to you again when you're back to being okay and fun and not as much of a bummer to talk to" (It was actually the same girl... Which btw I later found out was only interested in/playing with me and hitting on me bc I had become some sort of fetish... Being trans.... Between her and her bf... Also oh yeah she didn't even tell me she had a boyfriend, I had to find out).
Point is, people are only there when you're fun to be with, or when you can provide something for them. No one really likes you for you, and when they find something about you they don't like (even if it's you being queer) they scram. And it's nice and dandy and all, I can be there for people right? I can be strong and only rely on myself, it's what I've done all my life. I've learned that no one is to be trusted. But the thing is... Sometimes I get tired of being strong all the time, of always being there for others when no one's there for me. Of being the friend I wish I could have but having no friends ever be like that with you (hell even remember your birthday or... Care when you are going through shit... Like REALLY care, not tell you "go to therapy, I'm your friend not your therapist jeez" when someone close to you dies, say "I'm here for you" and then just ghost you or tell you to "just get over it" or "get back to me when you are fun again" or... Just talk over you and talk about themselves).
Heh I bet most of the people who consider themselves my friends even now don't know that much about me... Like my interests or things I don't like or a stupid fact about me... Even though I could write an entire Wikipedia page on them.
Hell I'm not a stranger to people using me to talk about themselves and completely ignoring me when I say something about me.
And it's not for lack of communication or trying or reaching out on my part, I have asked for help on multiple occasions, or tried to reach out being like "hey I'm not okay, I could really use a friend right now" to no response.
Just today I was going through a crisis and I asked for help, in my IG stories... 30 people saw it (some of which I'd call friends) and not one replied nor cared. (Which yeah? Instagram? I actually felt pretty stupid tbh and ended up deleting it but idk it still stuck in my mind).
Again, it's nice and dandy but sometimes it does leave me with the question of what the point is (?)
Like, what is the point of having a romantic partner if people are untrustworthy and unreliable? Why would you want to be with someone who's never going to support you or care about you? Ig sex would be one but that's what hookups are for, or paying rent but then you can just get a roomate?
Even meeting people on dating sites seems to end in just wanting to fuck or even if not no one really tries to get to know you or help you get to know them it's just "yo let's meet up, let's fuck" and me being like "uuuuuhhhhhh I don't even fucking know you?????". Or on the OTHER hand you establish a good conversation and open up and then you get "yo, send noods", and me "UHM no I'm not really into that sorry" and then the conversation resumes and you think it's going fine only for then to be like "yo common I want to see you naked send nudes open a Snapchat for me so you can see my dick" not giving a shit that you said that makes you uncomfy, nor giving a shit about how you... Feel or about you at all, it's all so you can give them sexual pleasure.
What's the point of having friends if it's just people who use you till you have nothing left to give and eventually dump you when they get tired of you?
Why bother making social connections when every self help advice and therapist will tell you that you can't rely on people and must be self sufficient etc?
For emotional support? Well no, not even that, they will tell you you have to be there for yourself so emotional support is clearly not it.
To have fun? Everyone says you have to be happy with yourself and have fun by yourself... YOU CAN'T RELY ON OTHER PEOPLE.
Maybe I'm just broken for how clingy and needy I've always been and that's why people keep taking advantage of me lol
What are friends for? What's the point of "socializing" if you have to do everything yourself? If you can never rely on no one? If even if you're always there for people it's inevitable that no one will be there for you when you most need it?
Idk man, I'm just feeling shitty right now. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be strong and okay all the time.
Of only being able to rely on myself and trust myself etc, of everything always falling on me.
It's like... What's the fucking point man?
Also people always use me to vent and I try myself to give advice or listen or whatever but no one does that for me ever so like I guess I'm coming to the place where... Let me look I was cancelled bc OTHER people decided I'm a monster and I deserved to be cancelled... Cool.
Anyways, off into the void you go dear post.
At least I'm not crying anymore, just depressed. But hey since it's not external anymore, that's better at least I can now pretend I'm fine <3
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food for thought (or not, maybe just rants)
tw: mental health, anxiety, depression, trauma
so i kinda broke down yesterday morning. twice in less than a week. and i've been wondering.
(this is a really huge rant and i just needed to get it out so um? read on your own accord lol)
how many of us really adored learning things before pandemic came on and it made us realise we've been dealing with a lot of trauma and pressure but just coped up by romanticising studies? and ended up breaking down to shreds in the lockdown?
earlier, this used to make feel shit, guilty and ashamed. bc some of us, this group of people, some of us still grind their ass off and work hard and don't "let it get to them". and i couldn't. idk if it's my fault or if people are allowed to not be stupid strong all the time. i don't think it's called being strong.
school has been so weird for me. most of the time i didn't have ecs and even if i did, someone in the family being sick, or we shift, or smthn all the time so i didn't really have fun in my childhood. i didn't have interests or hobbies i genuinely enjoyed and felt relaxed with. 9th started, everyone's like "these two years work your ass off, you'll do great" and then the pressure for 10th boards was so insane when in reality the exams weren't yk that bad? i didn't study like, day and night and giving up my life (bc i didn't have a life lmao) but i was pretty serious about it. the pressure tho. fuck that dude, it was just too much; all devices cut and no fun times nothing. just study study study. gave the exams panicking all the time.
that much pent up frustration, anxiety and depression all came tumbling in the lockdown bc now it's a new world w a little too much freedom. what happens when you stop a rusted but excellently working machine that's been grinding for 10 years? it breaks down. it doesn't pause or take a break, it just breaks down completely.
that happened w me i guess. start of 11th, i went to a "camp" college (bc parents didnt even look up normal pcmb schools even when i was chanting it all year). these ppl finished half the syllabus in 2 months and i was already dealing w anxiety all my life so this just bass boosted it. i procrastinated out of dread and then voila six months into the college i had the biggest breakdown of my life (very terrible and i don't think i'll elaborate). an actual depressive episode for two and half weeks until my parents freak out and shift schools. we try therapy but i'm a minor so that person sucked ass and said i was pretentious.
at this point i lost my motivation and interest and energy in life. and my dad wouldn't shut up about "you have very less time" when i still had a fucking year and half for jee. my brain just got hardwired into "i don't have time" and it went to "i dont have time so how does it matter lmao" bc i'm a perfectionist who settles for mediocrity (stole this ye)....
....and now it sucks for me bc i have "less time" for real. but but but, i'm sick of people telling me i could do better. i couldn't. i might be responsible for my career but, is this my fault :/
is it my fault that i couldn't be "strong" and deal w all this? and that i just survived, nothing more nothing less, and have been surviving all my life? sighe.
#tag time is fun here now#fuck cbse#fuck the government#fuck the world actually#fuck my family for gaslighting me#fuck everyone who contributed to my mental fuck up#fuck indian whores for making this system like this#fuck this system#fuck you fuck me fuck my dog#wait i dont have a dog#fuck cbse w everything that can fuck#mental health ig#soya rants#tw depression#there's a lot more stuff i dealt w#tw self harm bc i dealt w it altho didnt mention#idk if this made sense lmao lol#anyway#30 days huh lessgeddit#hoping it gets better
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hold out. (jj maybank)
here it is, the second part to hypersonic missiles ! the response to the first part was absolutely amazing, the support & love in this fandom is incredible & i just wanna say a huge thank you to all of you that take the time to like, reblog & comment, every single one means so much !! gotta admit im not loving this as in it's not my best work and kinda all over the place & half way through writing this i almost scrapped the whole thing to rewrite the full series with an oc bc writing as the reader was starting to get to me lol. but alas here it is & as always i hope u enjoy x
warning: swearing, drug use, underage drinking, violence etc
summary: after accidentally inserting herself into a treasure hunt with four teenagers, one of which could be considered her 'friend with benefits', y/n grubbs is left to deal with the complications and misfortunes that come along with it - including her ever-growing feelings for said 'friend with benefits'.
( gif isn't mine! please let me know if it's yours so i can credit you. )
If someone had told you a week before that you would lose your father, get your house raided by two men you had never seen before in your life, make friends with a group of teenagers, embark on a two hundred year old treasure hunt with said teenagers, and be hanging out with JJ Maybank every day and willingly, all in the space of one week; you'd have laughed in their face, asked them what drugs they were on and could you have some, and then laugh in their face again.
But alas, there you were. You still couldn't quite believe it, especially the JJ part. You'd had worries at first, like would the gang really want you involved, did they secretly hate having you around, were they just being nice and letting you in on this because your dad had died? All the doubts swirled in your mind, running around like clock-work, just ticking away constantly in the back of your head. Surprisingly, JJ had been the one you'd gone to about them.
"I just feel guilty," you'd said. It was after a day of riding around in John B's boat and using fancy hotels' WiFi, and 'borrowing' a drone from JJ's dads old workplace. His eyebrows furrowed when he looked at you, confused. "I mean, you guys have been friends for like, forever. And then I just show up and you conveniently find out about John B's dad and the treasure hunt on the same day when I'm there, and it's just like - I don't belong with you guys, it's your thing and I'm just kinda, here."
"You're part of this just as much as we all are," he'd told you, matter of fact. His body was angled to face you as you sat outside John B's self-proclaimed Chateau, a freshly rolled blunt being passed back and forth between the pair of you. "You need to stop doubting yourself, man. You're apart of us now."
The words had warmed your heart, an instant smile being spread on your lips as you looked at him through red-rimmed eyes. Underneath the setting sun, he looked almost angelic; his golden hair blowing in the slight breeze, tanned skin exposed due to the heat. You had pretended not to notice the tense of the muscles in his arms whenever your fingers brushed when you passed the juul between yourselves.
"You're too kind to me, Maybank," you'd grinned, boot-clad foot nudging his knee gently. "If I didn't know you so well I'd have thought you'd have ulterior motives."
"Who says I haven't?" He'd smirked back. You'd just smiled, teeth biting down on the plump skin of your bottom lip before you'd looked away from his burning gaze and focused your attention on anything, anywhere but JJ fucking Maybank.
You got along with the gang amazingly, you couldn't doubt that. Pope was the smartest guy you'd met, sweet and funny and passionate and so certain of what he wanted to do in life. Kiara, or Kie, as you'd come to call her, was very environmentally involved, almost too cool for the guys, you thought. She cared so much about so many things, and she had a great taste in music too. John B was a bit like you, you supposed. Fatherless, on the hunt for answers, things like that - but other than that he was a great guy, the makeshift leader of the little group, a little lost in life, but that was to be understood.
And then there was JJ. You felt most comfortable around the blonde, but that was kinda a given too, due to the fact you'd seen each other in your most vulnerable states that came with having sex rather regularly, something the other members of the gang didn't share. He was a spit-fire, always ready to throw a punch and fire threats at those who deserved it, head-strong and stubborn. But he was more so caring, God he cared so much for his friends, you'd discovered. He would do just about anything for them, whatever position that put him in. JJ put the gang before himself, always. You'd noticed all different types of things about JJ especially, little things you had never taken the time to notice before.
These little discoveries probably came from watching him too much, you'd thought one night. It was a bit of a problem, though you never mentioned it. The unspoken rule amongst the group was No Pogue on Pogue Macking, which basically meant everyone was off limits to each other. You understood the rule, Kie having been the only girl before you'd arrived on the scene amongst three guys, and after becoming apart of the gang you had no choice but to respect it - which also meant that JJ was off limits. But was he technically off limits when you'd already been there, so far past the line on macking with each other?
There was some sort of agreement between the two of you, that in order to make this work; your friendship with the Pogues, the hunt for the Merchant's treasure, that nothing could happen. You'd spoken briefly about it that first day, outside the lighthouse beside the Twinkie (John B's van, you'd learned had a nickname), we're cool, right? Pretend we haven't seen each other naked, conversation. It had been cut short, but it still happened. And the pair of you never mentioned it after that, a few off-handed comments here and there from JJ, but nothing specific. So you assumed yours and JJ's hook ups were off the table, and you had no idea why that had come to bother you so damn much.
On the day following your talk with JJ on John B's porch, he'd invited you to come along with him and Pope as they delivered groceries for Pope's dad, Heyward. You had almost said no, because really, you could probably do with a break from the Maybank boy, all the time spent with him was doing no favours for your little situation of Fighting Attraction While Hunting For Gold. That's what you were putting it down to in your mind anyway, too much time spent with the person you're sleeping with can begin to mess with anyone's head, and hey, maybe it was the fact that you were grieving and JJ was familiar - but you couldn't be doing with all these thoughts anymore.
Despite the angel on your shoulder urging you to turn his offer down, you'd said yes. But that was little to do with JJ and more to do with your mom and your current home situation, which was unbearable, to say the least. Your mother was barely speaking to you, as if she was scared of letting something slip if she did. In return, you shut her out, too. Told her lame excuses and empty lies when you were heading out with the gang, lying through your teeth when she'd asked where you were or where you were going.
Lana Grubbs wasn't a stupid woman, though, and you knew she knew you were up to something. But she hadn't mentioned anything outright yet, and so you hadn't said anything either. The hole your father had left was huge and gaping, evident in both your lives. You hadn't spoken about it yet, and you weren't intending to until she could be completely honest with you. You didn't want to hear anymore lies, and you were already on the path to discovering the full truth. On your own.
Her words echoed in your mind every time you left the house, voice small and gentle as she never failed to say the same thing. "Just be careful." You'd always look over your shoulder, and she'd never look back at you. She hadn't looked at you much at all since your dad had died.
It was after a certain drop-off of groceries, you'd joined JJ in his delivery whilst Pope had docked the boat and gone off to deliver his own, yours and JJ's strides matching as you walked the seemingly never-ending drive of the abnormally large house that loomed over you. The Kook part of the island never ceased to intimidate you, no matter how much you didn't want it to. There was something about it, the people that lived amongst it, that unsettled you whenever you entered it. Figure Eight wasn't somewhere you usually visited other than an odd job you'd picked up, and you were reminded why of that fact as you walked alongside JJ.
"Just think," he breathed, all starry eyed and parted lips as he gazed around the pair of you. "This could all be ours soon."
You snorted, bumping his side with your own. "Don't be melodramatic, JJ,"
"I'm serious!" JJ protested. His sea blue eyes caught yours when he turned his head to look at you head-on. The intensity of his stare almost made you stop in your spot, but you managed to carry on, gulping when his eyes continued to hold yours. "I'm sticking to my earlier statement, right, we're going to move here, and out-rich all these fuckin' Kooks."
"Out-rich?" You raised an eyebrow, lips quirking. "Your grammar is so adequate, Maybank."
"It's a word," JJ insisted, nudging your side with the point of his elbow. "Who the fuck uses words like adequate these days, anyway? I don't even think Mrs. Humphrey knows what that word means."
You laughed at the mention of your shared English teacher, the grey-haired, short, spectacle wearing woman immediately entering your mind. JJ grinned when he heard your laugh, dimples winking in his cheeks.
"Mrs. Humphrey can't even spell Wednesday," you giggled, JJ chuckling along with you as he nodded. "It's a wonder how that woman has been working there for like, eighteen years or something."
Your steps faltered as you neared the door to the house, pace slowing as you both basked in the time spent with each other, though neither of you would admit it. "She was probably a good teacher at first," JJ said thoughtfully, shuffling the groceries in his hands. (You tried not to notice the way his arms looked when he did that, muscles clenching and on full show with his cut-off tank.) "I bet each year another brain cell of hers just like, dies."
"Wouldn't surprise me," you nodded. "Mine would attempting to teach classes full of teenagers," rather dramatically, you shuddered. "Especially if one of those teenagers was JJ Maybank."
"Hey!" JJ shouted, though his grin proved that he found your jab amusing. You laughed along with him, bumping his side once more as you finally landed at the door, watching as he turned to you, expression trying to be serious and failing, rather horribly. "You better watch yourself, Grubbs. I'm serious here, I can be a pretty scary guy if need be, y'know."
You didn't doubt that, of course. You'd seen JJ in action with your own two eyes, you knew what he was capable of. But somehow, stood with you there, on the doorstep of some filthy rich Kook's mansion, groceries in hand, blonde hair shining golden in the sun, sun-kissed skin exposed to your wandering eyes, grin on pink lips; you couldn't imagine JJ Maybank hurting a fly.
"Trust me, I know." You'd said just as he knocked on the door, shooting you one last toothy grin before the door was opened and he was pulled into a conversation with the woman who'd answered it, talking about all things from the weather to the next semester at school. You watched him all the while, smile growing on your lips without your knowledge as you took him in, seemingly in his element as he sweet-talked the middle-aged woman inside the house. When he turned to you suddenly, you startled, broken from your thoughts and caught red-handed staring at him like some freak. He grinned, tongue wetting his pink lips at the same time you internally groaned.
"I was just saying, the groceries," he trailed off as he pointed to the bags in your hands in which you'd forgotten were even there. You let out an 'oh' as you quickly passed the groceries over to the waiting woman, shooting her an apologetic smile as she looked at you knowingly. JJ nodded his head in your direction, speaking once more to the woman, "New guys, huh?"
You glared at him as the woman laughed, perfectly manicured hand reaching beside her and grabbing hold of her purse, pulling a note out with her slender fingers. She held the note out to JJ, who immediately tried to turn it down, insisting there was no need, but the woman was unrelenting - sending a pointed look your way as she told him, "For your troubles, sweetie."
JJ picked the note from her hands, a gracious smile being sent to her as he nodded. "It's been a long day," he sighed heavily and your jaw almost dropped as you resisted the urge to reach out and slap his arm. What a fucker. "Thank you very much, Mrs. Ramirez. I really appreciate it."
The woman, Mrs. Ramirez, as you learned, nodded and waved a hand. "No bother, sweetie," she told him before turning her eyes back to you. You forced a smile as she simply eyed you up and down, before sending an obviously forced one of her own. "And thank you." She said curtly, and you were ready to give her a piece of your mind before JJ was grabbing your arm and dragging you in the direction of where you'd come from, shouting one last thank you over his shoulder as he walked you back towards the boat.
It was when you were a safe distance away that you shook your arm from his hold only to slap him gently on his own as you glowered, glare smouldering as he laughed, throwing his head back as he stumbled beside you.
"You're such an ass," you huffed as you tried to ignore his chuckling, speeding your steps. "I mean, she literally just tipped you a hundred dollars for showing up and smiling, I'm sure if I had a third leg down there I would have got the same treatment too."
"Are you jealous?" JJ asked, having to jog slightly to keep up your hurried pace. His smile was huge and infectious, and you made a point not to meet his stare when he landed next to you in fear of breaking your fake annoyed stance. "Maybe if you weren't too busy checking me out then you could have talked to her, and y'know, make a small fortune yourself."
You scoffed, whirling around and halting him in place. He almost stumbled into you, and you stepped back when his hands landed on your arms to steady himself, shaking his grip off almost immediately. "I wasn't checking you out," you told him, matter of fact.
JJ grinned and ran a hand through his hair as he replied, "Sure you were," he shrugged. You crossed your arms over your chest and glared, biting down on your tongue as you resisted your own smile as he motioned to his body from head to toe. "Not that I can blame you, I mean look at me."
"I've looked, JJ," your voice was low when you said it, a knowing tone to your words. "I've looked, and I've seen it all, in case you forgot."
A low chuckle slipped past his lips. "How could I ever forget?" He asked rhetorically, tongue darting out to wet his chapped lips as you tried not to follow the action with your eyes, and failed, miserably. "Trust me, that image is forever dented in my brain. I think of it, sometimes. Just randomly."
You rolled your eyes. And he's back, _you thought. _He never left, a voice at the back of your head piped up. You ignored them both. "C'mon," you said, already turning on your heel and starting off in the direction of where Pope had docked the boat. "Let's go get these deliveries finished."
The pair of you said nothing more for the rest of the duration of the short walk back, and when the boat was in your sights JJ was off running, more than likely eager to show off his one hundred dollar tip to Pope, as you idled, watching his back as he ran. When you finally landed in the boat, it was silent. You immediately picked up on the tension, heavy in the small space, and shot JJ a confused glance when he looked back at you.
Slowly, you made your way towards where the two boys were up at the front of the boat, Pope situated at the wheel. The dark skinned boy was staring straight ahead, refusing to meet either yours or JJ's eyes. When you looked to the latter, he subtly shrugged a shoulder, letting you know that he had no clue himself what was going on with his best friend.
"Pope?" You questioned softly. "What's wrong?" When there was no answer, you shared another glance with JJ, his concern shining in his blue eyes. You tilted your head as you went to ask him again, but when you did, your eyes caught on to the colour crimson that was slowly streaming down the side of his face. You gasped and JJ startled, chest bumping your shoulder as he tugged the cap from Pope's head, revealing the injury near the top of his head.
"Jesus!" JJ exclaimed when he caught sight of the wound, Pope swatting at his hands that held his hat, pulling it back down once JJ had let go. "What happened?"
"Rafe and Topper jumped me," Pope's voice was slightly wobbly as he informed you both, a tear sliding down his cheek as he recounted, "They said no Pogues on their side of the island."
Your blood began to boil just as JJ demanded, "What are you gonna do?" His own jaw clenched in anger as he looked at his best friend, beaten and bruised in front of him from the hands of some entitled selfish pricks that thought they were better than everyone because they had more money in their pockets. Rafe Cameron was a name that never failed to make you queasy at just the mention of it, and his little gang of followers including Topper Thorton were just as unbearable.
"I have something in mind." Pope spoke, voice and stance determined. And something he did, as he drove to Topper's new boat - and promptly swam over and removed the plug from it, causing the new model to sink into the water as you and JJ watched from Heyward's boat, keeping an eye out for anyone that may have spotted your trio.
And though it was bad, and you knew you probably shouldn't have taken part in such an activity, nor prompted Pope to either; you couldn't deny the rush it gave you as you watched Topper Thorton's boat begin to sink, and maybe it was the fact that you knew that Topper was a Grade A Asshole and deserved it, or maybe it was Pope's own unsure but excitable adrenaline that mixed with your own, or maybe it was just the fact that JJ wrapped his arm around your shoulder without a care in the world as he shouted his support to his friend, squeezing you to his side almost unknowingly, like it was some kind of instinct.
You thought, yeah, it probably was, as you immediately felt the loss of it when he moved to grab Pope in a hug. And then you thought, well shit.
There was a mutual share of disappointment when the gang had found just about absolutely nothing when you'd taken Pope's fathers boat out the next morning, drone ready and in hand to go hunt for the gold, where John B Routledge had marked down on the map it having been.
Granted, the Royal Merchant was there. It was just missing the one thing they were after - the gold was nowhere in sight, and the journey had been a complete waste of time. You thought it to be too good to be true, of course it had to be. Four hundred million in gold and you were expected to find it? There was no way, you thought bitterly as JJ steered the gang back to land, not one of you daring to speak as the disappointment crashed over you all in huge waves.
You'd departed with the guys not long after that, after promising Kie that you would accompany her to the annual summer movie night, making your way towards home. The bitter frustration ate away at your insides, you were mad, angry - fucking infuriated, each step the gang got closer to finding the gold, it was as if someone was stood in your path and shoving you all back another ten.
Had your dad really died for this? This seemingly never-ending hunt for promised gold that, for all you knew, could be complete and utter bullshit. You didn't understand it at first, when the pieces began to slot together, but it was like every time the chase got harder it made you want it even more; and then you understood your fathers fascination and Big John Routledge's obsession. This gold meant everything to you and the gang, and you knew, John B especially, would never give up on this chase.
"Hey, sweetheart," your mother called when you entered the house. The front door was still broken, only the screen in place, and was leaning against the wall as you maneuvered past it. Lana was sat at the couch, and when you walked in she'd shoved a box away from her, the lid laying haphazardly over the top. "I wasn't expecting you home so early."
You shot her a small and forced smile, shuffling your bag from your shoulder and onto the floor, landing with a soft thud. "Hey mom," you greeted back, noting her teary eyes and flushed cheeks. "What're you doing?"
When you arrived at the back of the couch, looking over her shoulder, you immediately recognised the box - Family Photos! _written atop _the cardboard.
"I was just looking through some old pictures," she told you, sniffling as she attempted to smile at you. "Just wanted to see his face again."
You nodded, your throat tightening at the mention of your dad. Reaching a hand up and wiping away her tears, she looked at you questioning, "Where have you been?"
"Just out," you said, bluntly and unconvincing. "Doing a few jobs here and there, y'know. Nothing exciting."
Lana hummed, quirking an eyebrow at you. "Mr. Phelps told me that he seen you with that Maybank kid the other day," she informed, your face falling for a millisecond as her words sunk in. She looked at you, tear-stained face and serious gaze, lips pulled to a thin line. "I told you to stay from those guys, Y/N."
"I was helping him deliver groceries, mom," you deadpanned - which wasn't exactly a lie, if that's when Mr. Phelps had spotted you. Most of your time spent with the gang was mainly off the land and away from prying eyes, whether that be on a boat or the Chateau, so you knew that was the safest bet of when you'd been spotted. "For Heyward's. It's not like I'm hanging out with him on purpose."
Lie, lie, lie. It was becoming alarmingly easy to lie straight through your teeth, and to your mother nonetheless, but you couldn't dare tell her anything, and why should you, when she hadn't told you anything? It took two to Tango, you thought.
"I just don't want you getting hurt," your mother reminded, and you let out a sigh as you nodded, faked closed-mouth smile on your lips. "I'm serious, Y/N, please just be careful out there."
"Always am," you promised (bull-fucking-shit). You turned on your heel, heading towards your room as you called over your shoulder, "I got invited out tonight, by the way. To the movie thing on the North Side. Is it alright if I go, please?"
You waited at your door, hearing your mother sigh from the couch. "Yes, you can go." You smiled, this one more real than all the rest, and thanked her gently. She didn't look back at you though, and the familiar unspoken tension was back with vengeance. You couldn't wait to get out of it.
The movie night was a welcome distraction from your frustrations with the treasure hunt, the haunting memories of your dad, and the tension with your mom. It was only you, Kie, Pope and JJ that attended - John B having seemingly disappeared for the day, none of the gang having heard from him. You'd managed to leave the house with relatively no questioning from your mom, and met JJ a little way down the block.
("Woah, keep two feet away from me please," you'd joked, halting in your tracks as you spotted him standing there. He'd furrowed his brows at you, frown etched on his face. "My cover's been blown, everyone knows about us!
He just looked even more confused, eyes squinting down at you as you raised a hand and layed it across your forehead dramatically. "What'd you mean?" He questioned, eyes darting around, seemingly searching for answers in the air around you both. "What, do people know we sleep together or something?"
You'd rolled your eyes, shoving him gently when you were close enough, beginning to walk away. "No, you doof," you chuckled. "Mr. Phelps ratted me out to my mom, told her that he saw us together the other day. I had to tell her that we were just delivering groceries for Pope's dad."
"Ah," JJ nodded, shooting you a mischievous grin. "We better go into hiding then, I'm thinking... log cabin in the mountains, all fur sheets and deer heads on the walls, ooh a hot tub too."
You laughed, "Trying to whisk me away there, Maybank?"
You were joking, but his eyes were surprisingly serious as he looked at you. "Always, Grubbs.")
The field was already packed full of people by the time the four of you arrived, groups of people scattered around, idle chatter filling the air. It was being held on the Kook side of the island, and your eyes swooped over the people, most of them being Kook's themselves, expensive clothing and an aura that just screamed, I'm better than you. It made you feel uneasy, but you tried not to think about it as Kiara led you through the crowds.
"I'm so glad they're still doing this," she tells you all, sighing happily. The faces of the guys revealed they were not nearly as happy to be there as she was, while you were simply just glad to be out of your house once again. "Keep calm, carry on. Back to normal, OBX life, y'know?" She stopped once she found a decent spot, turning to the three of you. "Aren't you guys glad I made you come?"
"Ecstatic." Pope deadpanned, sarcastic lull to his tone.
"My couch was pretty comfy." JJ piped up.
"I'm just happy to be out the house, I guess." You said.
You were aware why the guys were so uncertain about being there; it wasn't so long ago that Pope was sinking Topper Thorton's boat, you and JJ accompanying, and now you were all on his side of the island. Not only that, but you knew that if Topper was to discover that it was Pope who'd done his boat in, it wouldn't just be Topper that confronted him - it would be the full Happy Days Gang. Nothing was ever a fair game when it came to Kooks.
Kiara excused herself to go buy soda's from the conession stand, and you shifted as you seated yourself on the blanket you'd bought, having opted out of bringing a chair. You sat in front of JJ, his legs touching your back.
"What's wrong with you guys?" You turned your head when Pope and JJ began to whisper, the former's panicked eyes landing on you as you frowned at the pair.
"Topper and Rafe are on my ass," Pope revealed. "They know I sunk Topper's boat."
You sighed heavily, muttering a shit as JJ grabbed his friend by the arm, focusing his attention towards him. "They can't prove it, okay. Just deny, deny, deny."
Pope nodded along, muttering along with him as you watched the pair, before your eyes moved to Kie that arrived back, her eyes narrowing as she seated herself beside Pope. "Just saw Rafe," she informed, your blood running cold. You could practically feel JJ tense from behind you. "He said, and I quote, 'Tell your boy we know what he did'. What is that?"
"Um, where is he?" JJ questioned, his tone of voice revealing his hidden anxiety.
"Right there." Kiara nodded her head, right in the direction of where Rafe Cameron and his goons sat, as you, Pope and JJ whipped around, Pope practically turning his full body in their direction. You groaned as JJ desperately urged him to turn back round, and away from their taunting eyes.
"The whole death squad!" Pope exclaimed, anxiety riding off of him in waves.
"Don't stare, bro," JJ urged, hand wrapping around Pope's shoulders. You tuned out the rest of the blonde's words as he informed you all that he'd be coming out swinging if they were to corner him, and you felt dread build as you heard his last words. "If that doesn't work, I got this right here." He patted his bag.
"JJ, please tell me you did not bring a gun here," Kie practically begged. "JJ, there are kids!"
You focused your attention straight ahead of you as the guys continued to argue; Pope simply telling Kie that it might go down to her line of questioning, her brown eyes darting back and forth between you all. You refused to meet her eyes, however, and were glad when the large screen ahead of you suddenly lit up. "Oh, look," you exclaimed, laughing nervously. "The movie's starting."
And it was left at that - JJ whispering deny, deny, deny to Pope once more before you all turned your attention to the screen, trying to block out the intruding thoughts of having the knowledge that the gang of Kooks were staring you down, awaiting your next move like a predator would its pray.
All was going fine - the movie was good, everyone's attention on the black and white screen. You tried not to think about Rafe and Topper, or the gold or your dad, and definitely not the feel of JJ's legs either side of you, trapping you into his hold. You let yourself believe that everything would be okay, and then Pope had revealed he needed a piss, and everything had gone to shit.
JJ had accompanied him, and the two had set off behind the screen, hidden away from Rafe's watchful eyes. They hadn't done a good enough job to be discreet though, and you immediately took notice of Rafe, Topper and Kelce making their way towards the opposite side of the screen. You swore, catching Kie's attention as she questioned, "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"Looks like that piss break just got a lot more complicated," you said, and realisation dawned on her face. It didn't take the pair of you long to locate the guys, all in various forms of fighting, as you and Kie screamed at them to stop. You grabbed Rafe's arm mid-swing, his fist raised and ready to send a hit to JJ's face from where Kelce had hold of him. "Stop it, you dick!"
You let out a scream as you were sent flying back from his shove, Rafe's blue eyes wild and crazed as he glared down at you. "Stay out of this, Grubbs!" He barked, and without a moments hesitation sent a fist hurling towards JJ's cheek.
Kiara had jumped on Topper's back from the small distance away from you, and you took a moment to ready yourself before hurtling towards Rafe from your crouched position, tackling him to the ground from his knees, effectively stopping his blows. He seemed stunned for a second, staring dazed up at you before he promptly threw you off of him, shoving you to the ground without a care. "Don't fucking touch me," he growled down at you, and you groaned slightly as the wind was knocked from you.
You heard JJ from somewhere above you, shouting insults at Rafe and repeating your name over and over. You lifted yourself from the ground just as Topper puts Pope in a headlock, his tight grip causing the dark skinned boys breath to leave him in choked gasps. You shoved at Rafe's back once more, sending him stumbling forward before he whipped around, hand reaching out and grabbing you by the face, tugging you so you stood nose-to-nose with him.
"I said," he ground out darkly, eyes boring into yours. "Don't fucking touch me."
You were beginning to fear what would come next before a sudden glow caught your eye from the side, the movie screen lighting up in harsh flames. Rafe dropped you, your hands moving to rub over the imprint he'd left, as you looked towards where Kie stood, JJ lighter in hand. Screams of terror echoed from the other side, as people began to flee, and it didn't take long for the three Kooks on your side to follow, sprinting quickly from the scene. Fucking cowards, you thought.
JJ's hands were on you before you could even blink, eyes earnest and worried as they looked over you, your cheeks red from the earlier grip Rafe had on you. "You good?" He asked you, slightly out of breath. You nodded, repeating the question to him. He smiled lightly. "Yeah, yeah. I'm good."
The night had ended promptly there, Kie dropping you off at your respected houses. You'd bid them all a good night, and as quietly as possible made your way into your home, not wanting your mother to see the marks imprinted on your face from Rafe's fingers. Luckily, she'd already been in bed, and it didn't take long for you to crawl into yours, thoughts of the day and a certain blonde running through your mind.
The next morning you'd met the gang (save for John B, who was still seemingly missing) at the Heyward's store; your morning had been spent desperately trying to hide the red marks that Rafe's fingers had left from your mom before she could notice and ground you in your room for the rest of your life. It had a been a success for the most part, and she asked no questions as you left the house, though you took note of her uncertain expression as you bid your goodbyes.
"Have you heard from John B?" You asked Kiara who was working closest to you. You had realised the brunette boy was missing from the group upon your arrival, and you couldn't help the worries in your mind at where he could be or what could have happened to him.
"No, nothing. Have you?" She returned the question, brown eyes meeting yours as you shook your head no, a short sigh falling from her lips. "Neither have the guys. What're you thinking?" Kiara eyed you, gaze suddenly sullen. "Do you think something's happened?"
"I don't know, Kie," you told her because honestly, you didn't. John B had a target on his back, that much was for sure. Son of Big John, once owner of the proclaimed death compass. Your mind thought back to the two men that had raised your home, and chased the guys on more than one occasion, and you couldn't help but think the worst. "I'm sure he's fine, though."
Kiara nodded, though she looked anything but sure. "Yeah, you're probably right." The pair of you continued on with your respected work, JJ's and Pope's voice trailing from somewhere in the store as they talked. "You're working Midsummers, right?"
You groaned, nodding. Kiara laughed at your sour expression. "Oh yeah, second year running. To be honest, I'm surprised they let me work it after last year, my customer service must be better than my right hand hook," you joked, chuckle escaping your lips as you thought back to the Midsummer's party the year before. Your dad had gotten you the gig, because he was a weasel like that - always talking people into getting what he wanted, and what he wanted was the gas bill to be paid, and his face just didn't fit the portfolio to be serving Kook's their drinks at their fancy party, and so it had left left to you to do just that.
The night had ended with Dean Kipp on his ass after his hand had fallen on your ass, and you'd been let off with a warning as the guy clutched his bloody nose and called you everything ranging from psycho bitch to slutty pogue. Your surprise was immense when you were offered a job again this year, and a large amount of the reason you'd said yes was just so you could see the look on his face when he saw you.
"He totally deserved that," Kiara remarked, grinning. You smiled back, the pair of you sharing a laugh as you returned to your work.
For a second, you let your worries wash away as you were pulled into a conversation with the gang, your spirts high for the first time in a while. You were happy, you realised. What had started off as being the worst period of your life was slowly turning into the best, the gang and treasure hunt a blessing in disguise. The four of you shared laughs and joked back and forth as you worked, and you found yourself to be perfectly content.
All that came crashing down when Pope's father entered the shop, police officer trailing behind him. "Hey, Pope! There's someone here to see you."
You stopped dead-on, the rest of the gang halting in their movements as you all stared towards the officer you recognised as Shoupe. "Evening, officer." Pope greeted, gulping.
"I have an arrear warrant for felony destruction of property," Deputy Shoupe approached your group, handing the said warrant to Pope's dad. From beside you, JJ tensed, and when you turned to look at him, his blue eyes glanced down at you, freshly beaten face pulled into an anxious grimace as his jaw clenched. Shoupe had gotten remarkably closer, hands reaching for the handcuffs placed on his belt. "Hands where I can see 'em."
Pope glanced desperately towards JJ, who shook his head quickly, his words, though unspoken, clear as day. Deny, deny, deny. But denying wasn't going to get Pope out of handcuffs, you decided as you stepped forward, tone pleading as you demanded, "Stop, you can't just do this!"
"Out of my way please, Miss Grubbs," Shoupe dismissed you, sounding almost bored as he shoved past you, beginning to handcuff Pope who can do nothing but allow it to happen, his anxious eyes focusing on one spot as reality began to sink in.
"What did he do, Shoupe?" Mr. Heyward questioned in disbelief, watching as his son was getting arrested in front of his very eyes.
"Take a look at the warrant," the cop said simply as he begun to tug Pope out of the store.
It was chaos. Everyone was shouting, demanding answers and hurling insults. JJ is screaming something about somebody paying him, Kiara is in your ear asking what the hell was going on, Mr. Heyward is hurtling questions towards both his son and Shoupe. Passbyers stared at the scene, whispering to each other as they walked by or stopped to watch. Everything blurred together, and you could do nothing but watch the scene unfold in front of you.
Those fucking assholes, you thought. Topper Thorton came to mind, tan skin and bleached ends, million dollar smile and designer clothes. You remembered his wild gaze as he held Pope in a headlock the night before, close to almost killing him. And yet he was off somewhere doing god knows what, probably shopping for a new boat to replace the one he'd lost, not that he probably cared all that much about it in the first place. Rafe Cameron's eyes entered your mind next, and you felt a shudder run through you as you remembered them boring into yours as he held your face frighteningly tight and close to his own.
JJ's voice was suddenly breaking through your stream of thoughts - "It wasn't him!" He was calling out, eyes directed on Shoupe who paused and turned toward him, Pope's face disbelieving from behind him. "It was me."
It sunk in then what JJ was trying to do, and you whirled around from his left, quickly shaking your head as you muttered, "JJ." He ignored you however, and stepped forward towards where the officer was standing, Pope still in his arms.
"He tried to talk me out of it," JJ continued. "But I was mad because he had just been beaten up, I was sick of those assholes from Figure Eight that I lost my shit." He was stood directly in front of Shoupe, almost boot-to-boot. You couldn't see his face from where you were, and you were almost thankful for the fact as you heard him direct his words to Pope, "I can't let you take the fall for what I did. You've got too much to lose."
"JJ, what are you doing?" Pope demanded. His face was confused, just as much in shock as the rest of you. For a second, his eyes leave JJ's and land on yours, a shaky breath leaving your lips as his eyes were practically pleading.
"I'm telling the truth, for once in my goddamn life, I'm gonna tell the truth," JJ announced loudly. "I took his old man's boat, too."
"What the hell?" Mr. Heyward questioned, though nobody paid him any mind. Your gaze was too focused on the unfolding scene of JJ Maybank taking the fall for something he most definitely do, and you could do nothing but watch it happen.
Your heart finally shattered when JJ's last words entered your ears, "He's a good kid. You know where I'm from."
He only looked back once as he was put into the handcuffs that previously held Pope, and that wasn't until he was shoved in the back of the police car and the door was slammed behind him. You walked closer towards it, hand on Pope's back as he watched his best friend get arrested for something he'd done, and you both knew it. When JJ glanced up and out of the window, bruised face clear behind the glass, his sea blue eyes caught yours and then he smiled.
The fucker.
You could only watch helplessly as the police car was driven away and out of sight, Pope throwing his cap down in a fit of anger as he stormed off, his dad calling after him, Kie landing to your right. The dark haired girl wrapped an arm around your shoulders, tugging you to her side gently.
"JJ'll be alright," she told you, voice confident though her face read anything but as she glanced in the direction the car had been driven off. "He always is."
But what, a voice in the back in your head nagged at you, if this time he wasn't?
And then it dawned on you: you actually really, generally, sincerely and whole-heartedly cared about JJ Maybank.
(And the thought scared you more than you would ever like to admit.)
& to the lovely people that asked to be tagged in this, love you all x @ponyboys-sunsets @mysticsthinking @danicarosaline
#jj maybank x reader#jj maybank x you#jj maybank imagine#jj one shot#jj x reader#jj x you#jj maybank x y/n#jj x y/n#jj maybank#jj outer banks#jj imagine#obx jj#jj obx imagine#jj obx#obx imagine#obx fic#outer banks imagine#outer banks x you#outer banks x reader#outer banks#obx x reader#obx fanfiction#pope heyward#kiara carrera#john b routledge#rafe cameron#topper thornton#sarah cameron
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Hello friends and welcome to ☆Hateful Nostalgia☆. I was exposed to the mob talker mod WAY too young bc I was an unsupervised child on the internet watching mod showcases and SkyDoesMinecraft. Looking back these sucked, the stories were often bland and the designs were milk toast at best and tits out at worst. So for the sake of procrastinating on working on anything substantial I grabbed the main 6 I remembered and gussied em up. Redesigns, rewrites, better names, all that bullshit. If your interested in better photos, design notes, story details and rambling hit the basement, otherwise here's a line up you should click for better quality.
Also I wrote all this once before already but I deleted it like a dumb bitch. On the night Unus Annus was murdered in front of my eyes no less. Was a rough fuckin night.
The Creeper- Kupa. An explosive pyromaniac with a habit of making empty threats and yelling. She protects what she believes to be her territory with a suicidal passion, but if you manage to get her to cool down and soften up she's pretty sick to hand out with. Hard of hearing, has at least one bout of head trauma at all times, and deathly allergic to cats.
Because the creeper is kinda the og I wanted to reference AT2's design more than the others, but I'm p sure the only thing I actually kept was the red hair and brown gloves. Otherwise I was doing whatever. I really wanted to lean into the explody bit of creepers, so I gave her some bite and dressed her in clothes referenced from Irish railroad workers. This may also be why I keep imaging her with a very heavy Irish or Scottish accent, whichever would be most incomprehensible when angry. Every color but her skin was color picked from one of the references, with some minor alterations for makes my eyes happy reasons.
With Kupa I imagine a story line with her would largely be about her as a character and her development than like an actual adventure narrative like everyone else. She starts off ready to blow up both you and herself in a misguided attempt to defend what she sees as her's and opens up and learns not everyone is out to get her. Lots of time taken to understand her childhood and how she ended up how she is. Very simple, probably the default or tutorial run people would go through.
The Zombie- Bee. The ill husk of a missing explorer suffering from a less than conventional appetite. She wallows in her self imposed loneliness, believing herself to be an irredeemable monster doomed to hurt those around her. What she really needs is a buddy and some clue to who she used to be. Rough voiced, chronically fatigued, and prone to spontaneous combustion in sunlight.
I definitely consider this one the weakest for design sadly. I imagined Zombies as humans who went into strange caves and caverns and didn't come out for years, only to pop up as completely different people. I just tossed AT2's design. The first thing I did was make her a bit of a genderbent Steve and tinted her green bc Zombies in game are just Steve but green. Tore up her clothes, colored picked the darkest colors I could from the clothes on the in game and boom, Bee. I do vaguely regret not making her eyes pure black but I also still wanted her to be human enough to fit with the other overworld mods.
Ok so Bee actually has a basic story. When you meet her she's aggressive, but as a warning. She fears the possibility she may hurt somebody so heads for threats immediately. Going back and forth between her cave and village for a while you learn more about the situation with the missing folks who come back and Bee as a person. After a bit you pick her up off her depressed ass and start a nocturnal adventure of refinding your past, adapting to who your becoming, overcoming self destuction, and slow burn babey!!!
The Skeleton- Ulna. One of the few surviving warriors of a now destroyed kingdom and dead culture. She spends most of her time now traveling alone, hiding in trees and shooting anything see sees as a threat- which is everything- in the face with homemade arrows. Very much suffering from loss of her home and a bad case of lost purpose. A woman of few words, very antisocial, and naturally nocturnal.
I came in with the Skeleton wanting to make her seem mysterious, so my first thought was immediately a cloak and a mask, but I wanted her face to like be visible so I went with the face paint. I didn't actually know that I wanted to do under there so I went with wraps that are reminiscent of the original outfit but still not tits out bc it's so fucking easy! Gave her a quiver, color picked the cloak and face paint from the in game model and the wraps from AT2'S art. I did like. Subconsciously draw her eyes the way I do Asian characters but I didn't have anything specific in mind so like go nuts with what you think she is.
Ulna's deal is very much her lack of purpose or home and the entire thing is about finding that again. She's found sitting up in a tree during a storm pointing a bow and arrow into your face. She eventually let's you stick around until the storm is over and theres some bonding into deep night until the rain stops. You ask if she wants to come with on your little travelling sword for hire business, she says sure, sleep schedule shenanigans, backstory angst, and road trip bonding happens and she eventually decides that helping people is her new purpose and you're her new home
The Spider- Park. A young adult experiencing the world for the first time through her tribe's rite of passage. She's really just trying to figure out how to live life outside of the cave she's been stuck in her entire life and aggressively trying to be an independent adult despite not knowing anything about being an independent adult. Its projection. Blind in the daylight, naive and excitable, and taken to refusing help at her own risk.
Ok so. I don't know who looked at the spider and said "purple haired loli with puffy pants" so I once again yeeted the whole thing, only really keeping the kinda cutesy and childish bits. Spiders are a tribe of humans what live in caves unless they've broken off to live on the surface. Kids are kept inside until they hit a certain milestone, where they come up to explore at night. They're usually small and pale, but are pretty kickass when necessary. Again picked the colors off the in game model, played with the lightest gray for the skin, and bc I couldn't figure out anyway to use the stripes so they're on the patches lol.
Park's meeting is probably the funniest and most meet cute one here, in that she accidentally drops on top of you from a little cliff drop off. Cue loads of apologies and an explanation about the spider deal and being blind in light. She asks for some help getting around and bam babey friendship and emotional attachment! What follows is kinda a buddy of coming of age story with the obligatory goes home and is miserable scene. Generally it's just about being a scared young adult and having someone to fall back on and why that's important. Also crushes and young people being bad at that.
The Blaze- Amber. A demonic entity who would let the world burn and the sun die if it meant she'd get her soul back. She's known for being ruthless, taking souls through force instead of making deals like other Blazes. Keeps this forceful nature even once she's become friendly, makes you do dump shit. Territorial, eyes glow and dim with her life, and runs remarkably warm.
Amber here is the first one I actually did! I was just. Really tired that she was in a bikini. I decided early on I wanted overworld mobs to be human and everyone else was decidedly not, so Blazes are demons who gave up their souls under false pretenses to other Blazes. Because of how little clothes AT2's design wore I had essentially free reign and my thought was immediately to lean on golden knight bc of how Blazes are found protecting fortresses. The gold isn't picked from anything bc I was looser with the colors, but everything else is, and the hair is supposed to represent the smoke. Also the sticks in her hair are blaze rods bc I don't like them just floating around her.
Amber is found in the Nether obviously, protecting a fortress and immediately trying beat your ass and either incinerate you or make you give up your soul. During you prove yourself a p damn good fighter and she makes a deal to show you how Blazes exist and pursade you to give your soul up willingly. Bonding happens and she explains where the souls go and what happened to her. Insert line about how she dug in the sand for her soul until her fingers bleed bc I'm an Arcana freak lol. In general I'd just like her to learn to adapt to who she is now and learning to live life well instead of letting her anger burn her up from the inside out.
The Enderman- Violet. A confused but sweet young bit of void created by and connected to the Ender Dragon. Her relationship with reality is tenuous at best and abusive at worst, making stable existence rather difficult. She doesn't know a name, age, gender, anything about herself aside from that she likes sweaters. Communicates primarily through psychic connections, docile and sweet, and melts like a witch in water.
Violet was incredibly easy, so this may be way short. Endermen are decidedly human shaped void from the End with varying sentience. They're direct extensions of the Ender Dragon, and nobody knows how they're made or where they come from, not even they do. Adventurers who escaped The End say they seem scared of it though. Violet in particular is pretty damn new and extraordinary nonconforming, and I tried to show that with her sweater and ponytail. Once again, literally all colors picked. Definitely the simplest but one of my favs.
Violet is the sweetest meet up I think. As your traveling between villages you notice a strange enderman watching you and plant a little flower in front of her. She picks it and you hear a happy little trill come from you and a pretty voice say thank you in your head. Now you have a tall dark teleporting travel buddy! After a little bit of back and forth she tells you in some broken English that the Ender Dragon made her but she doesnt know how, and that it's bad and needs to be killed for the sake of Endermen and that's the new goal. Spoiler they're the corrupted souls of those that died fighting it, with it gone Endermen are free to exist as their own being and do whatever, hurray!
#cosmic entity's art#minecraft#mob talker mod#mc creeper#mc zombie#mc skeleton#mc spider#mc blaze#mc enderman#character design
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I woke up early last Monday so I could catch the Under My Skin streaming before it ended. I didn't realize I got the link already bc my email registered it as spam smh
anyway, it was amazing!! as expected from my favorite local theater ❤️ it was a play about HIV. I didn't know they actually set the play up to be recorded earlier this year. I was expecting it to be a recording from their 2020 staging. that was super cool. they even added some nice post-processed effects :o there were some parts where I was kinda "no, don't look at the camera! that's too much eye contact if I was actually watching in theater!" lmao but maybe that's just me 😂
production-wise, it was really great. I particularly liked how they handled the drama with the main characters. I almost thought they were going with the relationships ending and idk cheating getting involved (I mean a guy, his ex, and their current boyfriends? it was almost a setup lol). but they didn't! it was just them being genuinely supportive and yes, clearly, it's possible to have a healthy relationship with your ex. also the other characters shown were great examples of how there's still this fucking stigma over being sex-positive among other things.
Under My Skin was a play clearly meant to educate about HIV, specifically to clarify the current local situation. it was refreshing to see that, while it drives the point of how serious the condition is, the play remained more of a message of hope that having HIV is no longer a death sentence and manageable with the current research and treatment available. and most of it is free!
I can actually confirm this is true since I went to a nearby HIV clinic to get tested I think a year or so ago? when there was a mass testing drive going on. I was sure I don't have it, but I wanted to learn more about how things were done. and there was a tiny chance I could have gotten infected somewhere, like needles, though unlikely. the clinic was great! everyone was very kind and informative. there was a clear effort in making it a safe space. the testing was done quickly and they were having lectures on HIV while waiting. I was really amazed at how the clinic was run. aside from testing, meds are offered for FREE to those who tested positive along with counseling on how to proceed. it made me really glad to see it in person.
Under My Skin emphasized how, right now, it's not even HIV that's the problem. it's the ignorance and stigma surrounding it that's preventing people from getting tested and treated.
great work from PETA Theater ❤️ I'm looking forward to more plays in the future!! I'm really hoping they can eventually turn Walang Aray from the lab fest into a full musical production because that was just *chef's kiss*
(also it kinda annoys me that I need to clarify that when I say PETA, I mean the wonderful Philippine Educational Theater Association. blegh what an unfortunate coincidence in acronyms)
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