Journaling - Aug 6, 2023

Today, I woke up feeling extremely exhausted and out of it, but I had help and was motivated to get up. 

I had initially planned to have two friend outings, time to study for interviews, time to rest, time to clean, and time to watch Good Omens season 2.

To be honest - I ended up just making it to one friend outing and used most of my spoons (read here about spoon theory for chronic pain and mental health conditions) for that. And now I’m home… just on my computer trying to chill and reflect on my day. I’m too tired to do anything else. And my bladder feels weird but I have a bladder treatment tomorrow so yay - just in time.

This whole past week was really hard - my work life has been brutal because I’ve had to meticulously manage my time and my tasks… and I feel like I almost lost my ex-friend earlier this week, and I love her so dearly. And obviously, I’m still grieving my abusive ex-relationships with my mom and ex-spouse. It’s not easy. I even had somewhat of a meltdown with the person I’m dating, and I was really self-conscious about it. Even though I had some really valid reasons and even though we were able to talk it out. It feels better now.

It’s not easy to come to terms with your neurodivergence, autism, and unmasking. Unmasking means that… you rely on instinct rather than whatever behavior you think will get you accepted by your peers in whatever situation you’re in. Am I going to have a meltdown in the grocery store because of sensory overstimulation? Yeah, I probably am - it actually might be easier to do so instead of holding it all in until I’m in the car and risking another autoimmune flare, migraine, or MULTIPLE meltdowns later in private.

Anyway! Today! I wore my AWTYSM shirt that I got from Courtney Ahn, I went out to eat with a really loved friend, and we went shopping. I need more professional wear that’s more *me* and more versatile with the #femboy #nonbinary look I want. I’m hoping to donate my older clothes and recreate a wardrobe that is as gender-fluid and feminine (but boyish) in a way that honors me. I don’t think delicate colors, such as lilac, or skirts are gender-specific. I do want to chest-bind - and I’m trying to pick pieces that can work well with that (very hard to do when you naturally have big breasts, want a baby one day and breastfeed, and then want to cut it all off). I also had to think, “What pieces would look good professionally and still be as gender-fluid and culturally authentic for me??” Anyway, I’m going to try to post outfit-of-the-days to hopefully figure that out.

I JUST REALIZED I NEVER POSTED MY SENIOR THESIS FOR U GUYS WTF

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i’m about to get on that because i did get feedback from a lot of you!