Control for the fandom asks? ^^

Fuck yeah! Thanks friend!

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most): It's a threeway tie between Jesse, Ahti and Casper Darling tbh. They're both blorbos for good reason.

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped): Meg and Topher but ESPECIALLY Topher

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave): She kind of falls under poor little meow meow too but Raya Underhill. I love it when a character doesn't immediately trust us. Plus she had the best response to Emily being promoted to Head of Research over her.

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week): I don't really have one due to the nature of the game tbh.

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave): As mentioned above, Raya Underhill; she basically hates your guts, pretty much ignoring the Hiss crisis so she can study the Mold and has the unfortunate coincidence of being British. Casper Darling also qualifies for being the worst person to interact with children ever.

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason): I think The Board needs to be bullied a little more. How? I don't know.

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell): Emil Hartman has already suffered a pretty terrible fate worse than death before suffering a very bad death at the hands of Jesse, but he still deserves to go to superhell for his therapy crimes before he became Taken.

Until dawn? :0

ahhh ty!!!!

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most): i love them all i do think about hannah josh emily jess and mike so much. so so much

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave): matthew my beloved

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week): i mean it’s hard to pick a glup shitto when the game is supposed to be split up between the eight main ones 😭 so idk

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave): I know josh is like poor little meow meow of poor little meow meows but also mike is my poor little meow meow

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason): Mike

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell): Sorry for talking abt him so much but Mike . again. sorry women

borderlands, until dawn, and/or twdg for the blorbo game? literally whichever one you feel like doing

well well anon u asked for 3 and 2 of em already got asked so until dawn it is!! honestly good to know those are my Fandoms that ppl associate me with :'] (im also gonna try not to say ashley for all of these because god knows thats a real possibility)

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most)

ASHLEY ASHLEY ASHLEY :V not to put too fine a point on it but i straight up called myself ash because of her and got a tattoo to commemorate her and her iconc "go suck an egg line" so im KINDA fkn insane abt it

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped)

jessica bby girl i love youuuu like UGH SHES SO CUTEEE like she rly said bimbo rights?? and is bringing back 00s fashion with those low rise jeans and fkn puffer jacket like UGH I LOVE U BITCH

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave)

bethhh for Sure, tho i guess it could be argued she was so overlooked by canon fandom ppl kinda latched to her More, but im stickin by this one, i wanted to know more abt her in the same way we go little tidbits abt hannah all over the place

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week)

DFGH theres not Nearly enough characters for this to Really be relevant and since theyre all kinda main characters im also struggling to think of someone tho i GUESS matt would count (and also jess for the same reason) because barely any screen time :[

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave)

its gotta be emily alTHO i feel like emily was fully embraced by the girlboss type people which bless the fuck up honestly, the gamer bros REALLY didnt like her so yeah, between her and ashley tbh

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason)

ashley again fghj BUT also chris and josh because theyre a trauma package deal imo, and i think of the 3 chris has the MOST normal home life so its even funnier to torture him (and u kno what?? also sam, shes too normal and nice, i like fucking her up a lil bit)

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell)

ehhh theres no character i truly Hate hate?? but mike dfghj im sorry, but he rubs me the wrong way, always has and always will do :']

When I type everything out as a single run-on sentence I want you to imagine me cornering you off-guard in a crowded room, my empty brown cow eyes staring straight at you and reflecting you--nopony home here, she checked out and hopped away forever ago on the toxic chemical trains and clacking cattle cars years ago--and just, for no reason, I’m here and you’re there pocketed in the corner of a crowded room, and I’m channeling my alternate history past-self who was a preacher that got kicked out of the church for delivering sermons about the impossibility of sin and just ran off to Point Sur with my harem of distractions since I could never stop blessing my congregation saying “Go forth and know that you cannot sin, in the beautiful eyes of God and in my beautiful eyes there can be no wrong or evil” which backfired on me when they started setting fires and it all went to Hell, but I’ve won out over them because the world honored my wishes when I sighed “I should like to start again,” and so I’m here with you and you’re hear with me and I’m saying some insane shit like: “Looking back on Emily’s early works it is easy to see where her later reactionary turn comes from, because, from the start, Alfred Alfer was a story about the fear of castration, I mean, the first video was literally about Alfred getting neutered and escaping into a violent fantasy where he is loved and praised for his violence and the ‘punchline’ establishes the general theme of ‘reality by despair,’ which is to say that Alfred’s clearly dissociative episode is ‘verified’ by his destruction and it is this self-destruction that establishes ‘reality,’ like ‘pinch me i might be dreaming,’ but the pinch is violent and unfair self-destruction as hope is still ripped away, but hope remains, because it is a hope to die rather than be changed by the world, and this theme remains throughout her most famous work (the Alfred’s Playhouse trilogy which cements in canon the jokes of her previous Rise of Alfred cartoon) where Alfred is possessed by the spirits of Stalin and Hitler--a false equivalency made by the authoritarians that have passed for liberals for years--in Rise of Alfred, one would be remiss not to mention the phallic imagery in both the title and the video itself, Alfred is cut loose upon the world by the absence of a Near God or little other by the orders of a Distant God or big Other (in this video played by a droning and irrelevant corporate figure that can offer nothing more than a wall without lead paint that one can lick), and this is the essence of reactionary thought, the idea of a big Other who is totally incompetent yet all powerful and somehow worth respecting and suffering for (King Henry II saying ‘will no one rid me of this troublesome priest’ or the departed Daiymo of the 47 Ronin), the reactionary sees the big Other as a master who can only set the dogs off the chain, the police chief who needs to get out of the way so McBain or Dirty Harry or Paul Kersey (especially in Death Wish III) can do what needs to be done and purge away all the filth and make the world right again (no different than Rambo--even the first movie, which for all of it’s goods part still is  reactionary propaganda bullshit pushing the fascist lies about a ‘fifth column’ that was rude to poor little meow meow war criminals--or modern day fantasies about nuking all of MENA until it glows green (fantasies delivered to raucous applause at Republican presidential conventions); the reactionary is perpetually trapped in this fantasy of destroying the world and escaping into the void of space, freed of the ground where the riff-raff are so they don’t have to negotiate life with their neighbors, and this is true, yes, even of people who spout bullshit about Fully Automated Luxury Communism who only want the right to consume as much as possible free of guilt--a condition they think is inflicting upon them by the big Other--as the Champagne of Shame Socialists of the 60s), and the righting of the world for the reactionary is just that, that the world must be Righted and the reactionary must be loved for all of their violence and because of their violence, for the reactionary finds themselves ever needing new excuses as they open new fronts in their fake, phony Culture War, and that is all they need (excuses), which is why Emily is so obsessed with justifying her edgy shit based on some Trauma (which is handy excuse to do Anything, even Things that Cannot Be Excused like war or self-harm or wanting to be seen), and so here you should already be able to hear so much madness, so many plaintive cries, all aligning around the same point (the trannies in the ‘wrong’ bathroom, the refugees in the ‘wrong’ country, the people in the ‘wrong’ neighborhood, the Jewish Question, etc), and, anyway, so in Rise of Alfred, Emily’s OC directly addresses the audience and tells them that they must love him/her--the castrated bitch desperate to be let off the leash--and in Alfred’s Playhouse she/he simultaneously affirms and denies the nature of a trauma that justifies everything (one is constantly reminded of The Act of Killing where one of the mass murderers imagines how, depending on the editing of the final film, he could be either a woobie or a war criminal) as the Trauma is simultaneously a joke--’sodomized with a popsicle!’--and the alleged real event that motivates her self-mutilation as we’re expected to believe Emily is processing something, but what is she is processing, hmmmm, isn’t that the true spice,” I rail and rave against your poor ear drums as my empty, dead cow’s eyes capture your entire body and reflect it back at you and the ice cubes in my drink pop and shatter and dissolve and as my fist clenches tighter and tighter around the glass containing them and I continue: she’s processing a fear of castration, which is shown clearly in Alfred’s Playhouse where Alfred’s “sodomy” is demonstrated by the sight of his crotch covered in blood (a scene that will be repeated in The Alfred Alfer Movie) but “what is castration,” one might ask, and one can respond “it is the removal of power by the Father,” and this is how we wrap back around to our root in the nature of Emily the Reactionary who believes herself to be deprived of the power she holds by The Bolshevik Jew that has inserted itself between her and the Father and this is the cause of the big Other’s ineffectiveness, and this is also the core of the reactionary as a whole, the reactionary doesn’t want a daddy to control them, but a Master to set them off the chain because they hate the Father who has castrated them, this is the nature of the mumbling corporate manager in Rise of Alfred, but it is also the nature of Alfred herself--and now you may ask if Emily is trans and the answer is I literally couldn’t fucking care less about any question left forever unanswered on God’s Green Earth and you shouldn’t care either--but Alfred the Castrated is also the Father/Mother of Alfred the Dictator, the murderous inner-self that is immune to consequences of the onrushing future (The Alfred Alfer Movie) but not immune to the justifications of the imagined past (Alfred’s Playhouse trilogy), and therefore free to inflict whatever violence that Emily the Reactionary desires, and it is in pursuit of this freedom that the reactionaries set off in the name of New Sincerity (two things to be noted here: (1) the Death of Irony was proclaimed at the birth of the 21st century police state and the new Forever War with all of its genocidal objectives, that is to say, 9/11, and (2) the broken necked coward who complained of American Psycho that it’s author provided no easy outs for easy survival was the one who offed himself while Bateman’s father still lives) and the Talking Cure (i miss who we used to be), and at this you should see me slugging back the whole lukewarm glass in between two syllables and continuing on without pause (as if this dog still has legs on which to receive them in any case), “Emily, like Alex Jones, is so desperate for an excuse because neither of them can accept that they have to be the one that pulls the trigger, like all liars they don’t understand that they have to define reality by action, the answer to what one might do is found in the difference between the types of irony, one type is constantly desperate for excuses (such as the broken necked coward found one day) for violence, and the other irony, the true spice, is the irony that releases from excuses into violence and energy, one must seek not to know or endure but to inflict, knowing that this inflicting was always inevitable, no searching for justifications, instead the answer is to realize that there was never a chain there connecting you to the Master or the present to the past, and the Father/Mother never had the power of castration (the past, after all, is a foreign country bombed and blasted to ruins already and better forgotten), and you can just be fucked up and terrible and do whatever amuses you right now without needing an excuse, and to the extent that anyone should, one should, because that is what fascism needs, fascism needs the need for an excuse and that is the irony of fascism--where the falling angel (the superego) meets the rising ape (the id) in an ego of ultimate violence which seeks only release from both of its creations in an instinctually and totally misunderstood caricature of dialectics--which opposes its opposite irony (the irony without fascism which is the id’s violence against purpose and reason rising free of anything else to obstruct it), and if you let go of that, if you just, ya know, if you just, you just have to cut loose and go and no one can stop you until it is too late, because there’s no Jew sitting over your shoulder to justify everything in terms of opposition or support, not even The Nazarene is real, but do you understand that you’ve always been free to just go? You’re free to go. You’ve been free to go all this time. You never needed permission for this or anything else. You’ve been free to go all this time. You’re free to go. A whole day off. Just mind the mo(u)rning and get on with it.”

Oh you have to share your set for the criminal minds cast, I gotta know

AHHHHH YAYYYYY I WAS SO HOPING TO GET AN ASK ABOUT CRIMINAL MINDS!!!! ty, maura!!!! <333

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most)

derek morgan mY BELOVED!!!!!!!! (side note: if i could choose any celebrity to meet, i would choose shemar moore bc his smile would surely add ten years—AT LEAST—to my life)

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped)

honestly rossi alksjdlskjd he reminds me of my gramps. purely in the face, although they don't really look all that alike... but i guess he reminds me more of my gramps than anyone else i've ever seen on this earth so lasdlsakj. anyway, he's just a really freaking cool grandpa character, and i love him a whole freaking lot <3333333

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave)

alex blake, my beloved <3 i was so sad when she left the show. but happy for her character 🥲

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week)

omg okay emily prentiss when she left to work at interpol for a while. every time they brought her up or she was in an episode i was like AHHHHHHHH IT IS SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (it goes derek, rossi, then emily for me <3)

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave)

SPENCER REID. let me give him a hUG

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason)

omg my first thought was hotch, but then i was like alskjdaslkjd i'd be too scared. but maybe gideon. or luke. yessss probably luke. bc he's pretty, but he's also playful and also kind and non-threatening askjdlaskj

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell)

FREAKING GEORGE FOYET (although oh my goodness oh my gosh???? one of THE best arcs in all of criminal minds. criminal minds really knew how to do major arcs with excellent filler episodes. i miss it)

send me a fandom (or a sw movie, show, trilogy, etc)!!

High Lady of the Dusk Court (Part 2)

Tambria and Ester go into the Summer Court to meet the other High Lords.

Ester is super nervous cause she has no idea how to be a high lady

“Don’t worry, you’ll be fine, but don’t embarrass yourself.”-Tambria

“O-Okay.”-Ester

The moment they walk in, Ester sees Tarquin and automatically start speaking gibberish. (Poor thing)

“She’s...gonna need a minute.”-Tambria

The one high lord that she avoids the most is Eris (cause I have no idea what his father’s name is so yeah)

She already likes Rhysand and Kailas but she needs a minute with Helion (damn pervert -_-)

Thesan is...a mystery to her. He doesn’t talk or look at her so she has no idea who he is.

Tarquin is the sincere one. The one who helps her out cause he’s so sweet.

After the first day, Ester is completely relieved.

“Please tell he you get use to a room with all boys.”-Ester

“Trust me E, this isn’t even half of their court.”-Tambria

Sense Tambria had to go back to her court, Ester had to stay in the Summer court.

“Please look after my people while I’m gone.”-Ester

“Don’t worry, I’ll be okay.”-Tambria

During the next day however, Ester was walking out of the room when she heard Helion next door from her.

She opened the door to his room and saw another women inside.

Ester slammed the door shut and walked into the kitchen.

“That man is a maniac.”-Ester

On the first day of meeting the High Lords, she begins to go into town to meet some people for fun and is being guarded personally by Azriel.

(Should’ve mentioned this before but-) Ester is also a shadow singer so she and Az get along just fine.

The next day her test is laid out for her in the Summer Court ball room.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”-Ester

Ester can’t dance to save her own life (poor thing)

So when she’s on the dance floor....let’s just bless the poor little toes that got trampled by Ester’s high heels.

At one point, one of the boys decides to get too handsy with her and tries to pull her dress thinking it was a skirt.

“C’mon pretty lady, no one’s around.”-Random pervert

“Stop it! Let me go!”-Ester

Ester’s shadows scared him by showing him his worst fear, making him run away in fright.

But unfortunately, the shadows were out of control.

The ball room was filled with nothing but screams of fright and panic.

Azriel had to help her control her own inner demons to calm them down.

After that, she was so embarrassed that night, she could barely look at herself in the mirror, let alone look at Tarquin.

Thesan came in to check on her to make sure she was okay though.

Ester and Thesan the new besties! (Dawn and Dusk together)

Anyway, Ester does happen to know how to cook so when she cook some pancakes for herself, she’s greeted with 6 pairs of eye balls.

“....what?”-Ester

“Can I have some?”-Kal

“Me too!”-Tarquin

“Um...sure I guess.”-Ester

Literally all the boys finish their plates and lick them so clean the servants are impressed.

Ester is totally not blushing in the background

Another day in the Summer turns into a training session with Azriel.

They each work on her shadows and try to understand what they want.

The shadows become attached to her and apologize for what happened last night.

Ester even gives them names for them.

Emily: The cheeky one

Alice: The sweet one

Emerald: The fun one

Once training is over, Ester bumps into Thesan who had some mystery novels in his hand.

“Wait, you read Sherlock too?”-Ester

Thesan only nodded and offer her one of them.

Ester gladly accepted it and smiled when Thesan walked away.

Emily and the rest of the shadows smirk and nudge her.

“He’s cute.” -Emily

“And gorgeous!”-Alice

“You guys are the cat’s meow~”-Emerald

“GUYS!”-Ester

Late at night, they all have a meeting to discuss about the Autumn Court’s shortage of intelligence (Mainly Eris but I’m kidding, it’s about the kids education)

“Well, why don’t you build a library? I’m sure there’s many people who would love to read to the kids.”-Ester

“Because that’s expensive.”-Eris

“But you’re a high lord with money.”-Helion

“Still expensive.”-Eris

“You just don’t wanna do it.”-Ester

“Shut up newbie!”-Eris

Blorbo meme: VTM (Radio Silence edition if you want hard mode 😈)

Fuck yeah

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most)

Wendy, since she's the main character. Other than her -- Alexander.

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped)

Emily, in a sort of "adorable but could probably kill me" kind of way. I never really got to write scenes that put much depth into her, but even though she was a kid when she was ghouled, she has moments where she shows how old she really is and how much she's adapted to the World of Darkness. RS originally had an epilogue and near to the end she just. fuckign. pulled a gun on someone. no I did not intend for her to do this she just fucking did it. and at that point I was like "actually this is too ridiculous to include" because up until then she'd been either a faceless interpreter or an adorable drug addict and that particular action would have been way out of left field. So. Yeah.

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave)

Patricia Erikson. She was the viewpoint character in the epilogue and it was going to be a whole Thing about how she was a foil to Wendy buuuut then Emily showed up with the gun and I was like "actually, fuck this."

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week)

Every time Noah shows up I get really sad because his dynamic with Alexander gets really silly but there's no way they'd let it show completely in front of other Kindred, so I always had to either cut it out in the edits or really tone it down. But basically every time he appeared I pictured him showing up fifteen minutes late with starbucks and shutter shades with eyebrows raised making dry comments to Alexander until he eventually provokes him enough into scuffling with him because he may have been Alexander's ghoul for most of his life, but he's been a little brother for all of it. Much like Emily it's a friggen tragedy I didn't get to show that.

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave)

This is yet another case of "because of Wendy's limited POV I never got to show the depths of this character" but -- it's not controversial because most readers loved him anyway, but Gerard Rafin. I'm counting him on account of the whole Trump-esque levels of child abuse. Really sad I didn't get to really show the rest of his nasty side in general ("Uncle Smelly", whom we didn't really see because although he's caustic with his Warrenmates he canonically turns the Uncle Smelly thing down around them, and it's basically nonexistent around Wendy. also he has a very cunning side that didn't show up at all in the story. Cock Robin hinted at it in the last chapter and if I ever write that RS sequel idea I have maybe it'll show up then, I don't know). In reality nobody really hated any particular character so...

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason)

I love Francesca to pieces but there's always at least one character in my stories who has to go through the horse plinko and in RS it was her. First there's the Warren, and then there's the headcanon @orodrethsgeek and I made about that swan that got made Primogen of the new Baltimore Warren (long story. well, no, it's not, but you have to say "long story" whenever you say outlandish shit like that) that keeps trying to seduce her... Yeah I really need to write that sequel. Or at least publish that scene I wrote about the Primogen.

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell)

I genuinely don't have one.

spop for the fandom asks!

Okey doke, let's go! :D Thanks a bunch for the ask!! blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most) Ooh god, this is already hard asdljfadf. Hmmm. This is a very basic choice, but I'm going to go with Adora. I relate to her too much for that not to be true. "You're worth more than what you give to other people" made me burst into tears and still does so 9/10 times I rewatch that scene. scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped) Emily is a scrunkly. Excellent robot friend :D scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave) As someone who's poked around the SPOP fandom before, I feel like who's considered "underrated/underappreciated" HIGHLY depends on which corner you happen to be inhabiting, but I'll go with Glimmer, even though I'm not sure she counts. Love her and her character arc and her aggressive sparkles. If you don't think Glimmer counts for this, either Entrapta or Bow. Tech whiz who has a bigger impact than she knows (and is worth more than she thinks), and the heart of a whole lot of things who refuses to not wear a crop top. glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week) Mara. Hands down. Or maybe Mara and Light Hope both, honestly. They don't get a lot of screen time, but their stories both hit really hard, and their dynamic/relationship is top tier. poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave) This label is "poor little meow meow"...I have to pick Catra, aldfsja xD Resident cat girl, has made five million mistakes, finally fought for and got her happy ending. You can find at Least three times as many debates on her character as the mistakes she's made if you go looking for them, but I really do love her. She's blatantly and flat-out imperfect, and she doesn't know how to handle emotions that aren't anger (and to be fair, doesn't really "handle" anger that well either), but she's got herself a magic therapy cat, a girlfriend, and a good future, and I couldn't be happier for her. horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason) Hmmmm...again, kinda basic answer, but I guess I'd have to go with Horde Prime? I'm only hesitant because he's the type of villain I would rather just see gone rather than tortured (even though he's a terrible person) because I don't trust him to stay contained if he's alive, but if I had to pick someone...yeah sure. Put him through the horse plinko. He deserves it. eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell) Double Trouble, if only because their shenanigans to get out of it would be hilarious.

d20! starstruck, your own choice of campaign, all of them at once, whatever strikes ur fancy

gonna do fantasy high cause that's the one biggest in my memory (wanna do bloodkeep but that doesn't have a whole lot of characters)

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most): fig! I don't know what it is about her but I love her so, I think it's that emily axford charisma, the pain of adolescence, characters who are so full of love but are also distant, and weirdo teen girl energy

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped): gorgug, absolute sweetie, deserves all love

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave): feel like almost every character gets so much love, but maybe Kristen? i don't know feel like people overlook her complexity, she was my favorite before fig took over my brain, also zayn it's a shame we never got to see more of him

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week): there are so many, breanan is a master at weird one off npcs, if it hadn't been a while since my last listen I could probably name so many but right now bud cuddy, also the tornado that was way too good a joke, also the men who live in fabians house who only appear during sea shanties, god this show is wild

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave): sandra lynn cause i like milfs and complicated women

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason): i wanna say gilear but honestly he deserves a break

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell): the abernat parents, yay to this show saying you should kill your abusive parents

(ask game)

tvd for the blorbo game!!!

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most)

Tyler Lockwood, in part because he was such a good character and in part because the writers screwed him over. Mostly just because he should have gotten a better ending (and I love him for no particular reason)

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped)

ummm… this is a hard one, but Aunt Jenna?

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave)

Tyler Lockwood <3

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week)

Emily Bennett! She should have had like an actual plot, but the writers decided having Bennett’s do much more than be flashbacks was too much

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave)

The fact Tyler works for so many of these… but for the sake of picking someone else, Rebekah Mikaelson (she deserved better than be stuck with Klaus for hundreds of years)

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason)

Kai (I did not like him) (he cut out his sisters spleen cause he actually liked her)

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell)

hands down Lily Salvatore, every second of her screen time was literal hell (Elena’s not a toy soldier, and everything with Stefan) . But Giuseppe should join her

Hee hoo asks for you, for that little ask game. I would pick blorbo from stardew but I know very well Shane takes up like half of these. So instead, who ya sending to ebby deeby from Stardew. 👁

unfortunately for you i think the game is that i answer for all of them, and even if it isnt i'm obnoxious and youre hearing it now >:]

blorbo: shane (as you guessed :(...) elliott, emily and linus! i love all of their personalities and stories so much ;;

scrunkly: probably shane again SAJKDDKGJFD i wanna shake him around in a jar i wanna find him in a box outside in the rain with his fur all wet so i can bring him inside and give him some milk

scrimblo bimblo: sandy! i never see people talk abt her? probably because she lives out in the desert but thats no excuse, cough up that 500g and go visit best girl. tbh her design alone is enough to make me love her unconditionally, shes so gorgeous

glup shitto: i dont have one :(

poor little meow meow: take a guess (its shane) (honestly kind of elliott too)

horse plinko: harvey because hes never inside his FUCKING CLINIC WHEN I NEED HIM. and he keeps charging me $1000 when i die in the caverns, then telling me to uwu be more careful brush your teeth and dont eat junk food! like its my fault i got cornered by 5 serpents. hes probably picking my pockets too. to the plinko with you old man

eeby deeby: pierre, lewis and morris >:( pierre is greedy and kind of an ass, lewis is an awful boyfriend to marnie, and morris is a smug capitalist. i honestly hate lewis the most because he's clearly upsetting marnie, the poor girl feels so lonely :( i just want her to be happy shes such a sweetheart

enjoy your essays im very passionate abt this game <3 but to anyone reading this, sorry if i slandered your fave!! if you like them theres nothing wrong with that, in fact i think its wonderful that we all have such different connections to these characters :-D

Arplis - News: Virtual reality pops up at Denver museums, festivals and even VR escape rooms

Samantha Doerge was shutting down the Denver Film Festival’s virtual reality floor last fall when a woman shuffled in with her elderly mother, asking if Doerge would run the hour-long, three-part “Spheres” program one last time. ” ‘We’re sorry to be here so late,’ ” Doerge, a programming coordinator for the festival, remembers the woman telling her. ” ‘But my mother has wanted to be an astronaut all of her life and couldn’t because of an astigmatism. This is as close as she’ll ever get.’ Of course, I was more than happy to stay open for her.” “Spheres,” which has captivated audiences and critics at the Telluride, Sundance and Venice film festivals, invites viewers to don the now-standard virtual reality goggles and take a celebrity-narrated trip through the cosmos. Created by Eliza McNitt and executive produced by Darren Aronofsky (“Black Swan”), “Spheres” employs digital animation to render the big bang and other astronomical events in spectacular detail, bringing participants as close to space travel as they’ll likely ever get. The effect of narrative experiences like “Spheres” is uniquely powerful, said Doerge, who has helped program the Denver Film Festival’s virtual reality offerings the last couple of years. She also assisted with the debut of “Spheres” as Telluride’s first-ever VR offering in 2018. “When this woman, who had to have been 85 or 90 years old, came out of it, she was just crying,” Doerge said. “The word she used was ‘magical.’ “ Long in the wings, VR has increasingly inched into the spotlight at festivals, museums, theaters and bars as its complex technology — bulky headsets, servers and software — has grown rapidly cheaper and more compact. When it returns Oct. 30-Nov. 11, the Denver Film Festival will offer eight separate virtual reality experiences at its Festival Annex at the McNichols Building, with another four provided by its VR sponsor, Boulder-based Reality Garage, a lounge and makerspace that produces its own VR content. In recent years, the entrance of Facebook, Microsoft, Sony and other global players into the industry has rapidly accelerated VR’s consumer-friendliness while spurring artists and programmers to dream up new interactive concepts. Investors are also licking their pixelated chops at forecasts that predict the global market will increase from about $8 billion in 2018 to $44.7 billion in 2024, according to a recent report. And as Doerge knows, virtual reality isn’t just for gaming and entertainment. Her husband, a technology specialist for Children’s Hospital Colorado, uses VR to transport sick kids from the confines of their beds to Altspace, a social platform that offers simulated meet-ups and activities. “It’s there so kids can do things like have dinner with their families,” Doerge said. “These are mundane things we take for granted, but sick kids can check into Altspace and no longer feel this alienation from their childhoods.” Of course, that requires the other participants to don VR headsets, too. But as people get used to seeing VR at places such as Wings Over the Rockies Air & Space Museum (which offers simulated plane rides), the Denver Museum of Nature & Science (in its new “Extreme Sports” installation), and the casino-like environs of Dave & Buster’s, the idea of bringing it into the living rooms gets less intimidating. In other words: Much like table tennis or life-sized Jenga, it’s another trendy entertainment — albeit a pricey, fast-evolving one. Related Articles “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” director Rian Johnson will be at opening night of Denver Film Fest “Knives Out,” “Marriage Story” will bookend Denver Film Fest’s 2019 red carpets Denver Film Festival reveals 2019 dates, tribute to late artistic director Brit Withey “There’s no headset at home, but that’s been a request for Christmas,” said Mandi Hoffman, a Denver mother overseeing nine middle-schoolers last week at VR Social, a virtual reality arcade in Broomfield. “We don’t have a lot of space, so I’m a little worried about how it would work. But we love VR. We visited a VR art exhibit in Montreal, which was incredible, and we like to do the VR games at the Punch Bowl Social on South Broadway.” Hoffman’s son, Henry, was there celebrating his 11th birthday with school buddies — all of them playing a sci-fi combat game and loosely tethered to the ceiling by cords on their headsets. The scene prompted Hoffman’s daughter Millie to acknowledge a common criticism of VR: Why should kids hook themselves up to machines for entertainment, even in poor weather, when indoor playgrounds, trampoline parks and “American Ninja Warrior”-style obstacle courses are so widely available these days? “Clearly from the outside, when you don’t have the headset on, it looks completely different,” Millie, 14, said as she stood in the bare-bones, LED-lit arcade space. Next door, a quintet of near-motionless people sat in a darkened room playing a virtual escape-room game. “But once you get inside it’s a heightened reality — fantasy games, fighting off robots, things you don’t get to experience when you go to (a business like) Jump Street or Lava Island.” Basic VR emulators such as Google’s Daydream Viewer, which mimics the look of VR by turning your phone into a display screen, retail for about $100. Gaming-friendly VR headsets, like the new Oculus Quest, range from $400 to $1,500 for crisp, stereoscopic imagery that offers the illusion of three-dimensional interactivity. Provided by Wings Over the RockiesVisitors to the Blue Sky Gallery in Centennial experience a virtual plane ride as part of Wings Over the Rockies’ VR programming. (Provided by Wings Over the Rockies) That’s a pricey buy-in compared to a board game or night at the movies, but nothing can match the experience, proponents say. Blotting out natural stimuli with eyepieces and headphones is one thing, but adding to the sensory immersion with physical elements, motion-tracking, controllers and other features can take something like a video-game escape room to new heights of interactivity — and meaning. “As a technology, it’s extremely exciting for us,” said Lauren Cason, creative director of Interactive at Santa Fe-based art company Meow Wolf. “If you’ve ever been to a VR exhibit or seen a demo, you’re going to be sitting in a blank room with a thing on your face, and it might not have much to do with the space you’re in.” Meow Wolf, however, has been busy researching and developing new XR (or “extended reality”) concepts that will allow guests to blur the lines between their physical and digital worlds at the company’s interactive art-playgrounds. That includes its forthcoming Denver location, a 90,000-square-foot, $60 million, four-story complex under construction at Interstate 25, Colfax Avenue and Auraria Parkway viaducts. “There’s technology out there — like HoloLens, Magic Leap, Spark AR, Apple’s AR (augmented reality) kit, ARCore and others — that allows you to superimpose three-dimensional digital objects onto real-world objects, and then have an interplay between those real and fabricated worlds,” said Cason, a veteran of MIT and Apple. “We believe that’s the future of these immersive, experiential spaces.” Or the present. Last week, the Washington, D.C., location of Madame Tussauds wax museum announced its new “Alive in AR” augmented-reality experience that uses smartglass technology to animate its celebrity and historical statues. That includes everyone from Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. to Tyra Banks, who come to life with the aid of 360-degree video, holograms and custom soundscapes. “While some attractions have experimented with AR on handheld smartphones, Madame Tussauds D.C. is embracing the more immersive and hands-free smartglass technology,” said ARtGlass founder and CEO Greg Werkheiser in a press statement. So how long will it be before we see that in Denver? Possibly sooner than you think, Meow Wolf officials said, although they declined to reveal specific details about Denver-based XR offerings, or say how much the company is investing in those technologies. “We’ve had several interesting tests and successes that are pointing toward something larger,” said Emily Montoya, a co-founder of Meow Wolf. “A couple of years ago, we took a VR experience called The Atrium to South by Southwest, which allowed people to experience our (Santa Fe-based) House of Eternal Return. And last year we took Navigator (a ‘mixed-reality sculpture’) to L.A.’s L.E.A.P. Con, which was sort of a giant-robot headset experience.” Navigator, which invited participants to climb behind the controls of a car-sized, spider-like robot, combined VR, AR and physical features to create the experience of operating a giant robot in real time. This sort of “spatial computing” is a clear emphasis for the company moving forward, Montoya said. “One of our biggest interests is incorporating theatrical storylines into the technology,” she said. “We already have the capacity to create such fantastic physical spaces and controls, so why not start there?” The same criticisms that detractors have for VR — its largely sedentary nature, its contrived imagery and sound — could just as easily be leveled at all manner of film and gaming, defenders say. And VR’s unlimited adaptability in the virtual space means, for example, that deaf people can use sign language to communicate with one another, or that wheelchair-bound people can fulfill dreams of walking, running and even flying. Recent advances have broadened VR’s applications to the point of mainstream appeal, from VR headsets going wireless to virtual learning, workplace training and even theater –  such as last month’s “Virtue of Reality” production from the University of Colorado’s Experience Design MFA students. There’s limitless room for experimentation, backers promise. Just not, you know, in the literal sense. “At my core, I am a cinephile and I love movies,” said Denver Film Fest’s Doerge. “But one thing that’s so exciting about VR is that your brain doesn’t make a distinction between what’s happening to you and what’s happening in the headset, so the emotional response you can get from a VR experience is very powerful. I have watched grown men burst into tears because it was so captivating.” She hopes to further evangelize for the format at the Denver Film Festival’s VR-focused panels at Civic Center’s McNichols Building on Nov. 9. One is a general creator panel, while the other explores its uses in pediatric health care. Both are fundamentally rooted in storytelling, she said. “One of the most successful and basic VR experiences out there is called Job Simulator,” Doerge said. “It’s also the first one I ever tried about four years ago. In it, I was basically a 7-Eleven cashier, but what shocked me was how consuming it was, because I almost had to reintegrate into my own reality after taking off the goggles. It’s been an uphill battle with VR into the film world, but whether it’s storytelling or escape, it has this unique ability to transport you, even when you’re fully aware that you’re wearing the headset.” Subscribe to our weekly newsletter to get entertainment news sent straight to your inbox. #TellurideFilmFestival #Museum #ThingsToDo #News #MeowWolf

Arplis - News source https://arplis.com/blogs/news/virtual-reality-pops-up-at-denver-museums-festivals-and-even-vr-escape-rooms

Harmonize. (First book I ever wrote. age 9)

Its quite here. There is no noise, except Gala snoring next to me. A car pulls into the drive, Gala snaps awake and growls at the noise. The person in the car is Emily, my sister. She "accidently" left her wedding ring here last time she visited. I think she just wanted a reason to come home again. Just a few weeks ago, Emily married Tom, a semi-truck driver who treats her amazing. They go everywhere together, which is why Emily needed an excuse to come home. I hear the front door open, and I hear her shoes on the floor. She knocks on my door. But walks in immediately after. So the knock was pretty pointless. Why is she In my room though? I told her where the ring was when we were on the phone earlier. I tried to make it sound like I wasnt going to be home. Its not like I dont love my sister, I just dont want to talk to her right now. I dont know why. But I don't. She stands in the door way and stares at me, I stare at the floor. "Selina, what is it?" Said Emily making her way to my side. "Nothing." Emily started poking my arm, trying to get my attention. I pretended not to feel Emily, though it was getting very annoying. "What is it? You can tell me." Oh! Wow! Yes! I'm just gonna tell you everything! "I dont know,I guess I just want to be able to support myself." I cringe, that's the best my brain can come up with? Pathetic. "What? You already support yourself." Okay, I'm getting pretty annoyed, just play along! "No I'm mean, completely support myself, like, in my own house..." That part wasnt a lie, I do want my own place. "Well, just, I don't know, just dont rush yourself." I looked up at Emily, I know why she has someone and I dont, she is stunningly pretty. I have always thought she was beautiful, her freckles around her nose, the short wavy auburn hair that hang over her shoulders. Like our mom. I dont look like them. My features are plain. I'm sometimes feel invisible, like my face has been used too many times. "Well," I said "I've gotta get to work." "You know," said Emily ,"you shouldn't be working two jobs at 19." I work one, so I correct her. "I only work one." I try to say this as serious as possible, but its hard to when Mary is such a wonderful woman. "Oh right, 'taking care of Mary isn't a job' right?" Emily said in an awful, what I would guess to be an impression of me. "Well, it isn't." I turned and grabbed my purse from the dresser, as Emily was passing me to leave. I walked out after Emily, who turned for the door, after she said goodbye to mom. My mother is wearing a scowl, one she saved for a very specific person, this cant be good. Or it might be really good! "Mary Rogers called last night, Saphy got her driving license so she'll be taking care of her now." Saphy, that little...I decide not to discuss her right now, I already know my mom hates her as much I do, so I play it off as if I'm talking about someone pleasent. "I thought Saphy was in Florida? Remember, she thought she was too good for Louisiana?" I always thought Louisiana was a great place for everyone to live, turns out, pretty-in-pink barbie dolls hate it here. "She's coming back to town, Her friends and her got in an argument, well a 'life crisis' if you ask her." Mom smiled at the 'life crisis' part, I really dont know why though. Other then to, I dont know, add something interesting to the conversation. Her and Emily talk the same way, while smiling. "Right, I need to get to work." I hugged her and headed for the door. I think about Mary on my way to work, A 98 year old woman who always insisted on me calling her 'aunt'. The first time we met, I  had about 20 cats circling my feet, all meowing, Mary came down the stairs with a little furball kitten in her hand. It was the cutest thing I have ever seen! I smiled, remembering how sweet Mary was, but the smile quickly faded. Unfortunately, everyday I have to pass the road where my dad was killed by a drunk driver, I was around 8, sitting in the back seat, singing along to the radio, when a loud screeching sound rang in my ears, then glass reflected red and blue lights on the dashboard. I pulled into the small parking lot of the restaurant I work at, it was just me and Dolores, the cook, and like 5 people that wanted a coffee refill for the road. I normally just read, but I am fresh out of books, so I need to make a deal, I go around my school and ask people for their books, with the promise that I will do the book report, but its summer, and nobody has book reports in the summer. I was brought out of my day-dream feeling my phone buzz, my mom. "hey are you busy?" Nope, just busy with my book-dealer thoughts! "Its never busy here mom." I thinks thats less of a crazy answer, right? "Right, well, Someone just called, He needs a new caretaker." He? I specificaly put on my resume 'Woman Only!' But the resume only exists in my head, and as far as I know, people cant see into my brain place, not that theyd want to, my train of thought often crashes into the Great Wall of Stupid, and repairs take a while. "Do I know him?" That was a stupid question! No, of course you dont know, you have conversations in your head like this one to avoid talking to real people! "I don't think so,his name is Brian Elderson,He just dropped outta college." College?? How old is this guy? I should make friends with him, enough money to drop out of college! "College?How old is he?" "I'd guess about 18-20." Woah, what? Why? And how? "Okay, what is wrong with him?" That sounded insensitive, but mom knows what I mean, I hope. "He was paralyzed in a car crash, I dont think hes gonna be as easy, he was one of those hard-headed and strong-going kids, and now he thinks he useless." Hmm...did she Google him or something? "How do you know all this?" "Hes one of my co-workers son." Mom dosent care for her co-workers, but I've never heard the name 'Elderson' Before. "I've never heard you talk about anyone named Elderson." "I didn't even know he existed, but he over heard Elly and I talking about you and Mary." Elly was Mary's younger sister, though they didn't talk much, Elly was still acting like she was 20, Elly and Mary still cared about each others well being. A woman just walked in the door, and headed to the back corner table. "alright I've gotta go, an alien just walked in." Mom must have understood, because she hung up, or she was afraid it wasn't me talking and someone possessed me, either way I would be happy with. I went to take the woman's order, but before I could speak, the woman said "eggs and toast." I honestly dont know what I expect. We have menus glued under the glass tables. Do people know we serve other things then eggs? I relayed it to Dolores, who was dancing in the kitchen, but stopped immediately when she saw me. "Who is it?" Asked Dolores "Dunno, but she looks rich and official." " 'Rich and official' only you could come up with that." I rolled my eyes and went back to my barstool, and stare at the counter, it has a very interesting design, but not really. Rich and official. Those were the first words that came to my mind when I looked at her, She had blazing red hair and a black jumpsuit, she reminded me of a certain book charecter. I grab the plate of food Dolores slid on the counter in front of me, interupting my disecting of the counter design, and went back to the table and offered it to the woman. I handed it to the woman and went back to the barstool, the counter isnt as interesting anymore, but I continue to stare anyway. Me and Dolores spent the next half hour peeping around the corner at the woman like cannibals, but, she never came back, and we were back to the same few customers. This place is going to go bank-rupt soon, and there is nothing I can do about it, the helpless feeling is the worst, like theres a hole in my chest that little helpless bugs lay eggs. "Well, That kinda sucks." said Dolores "Yeah, What can we do about it though?" I say like wasn't just invisioning little mosquito like bugs laying eggs inside my heart. "What we need is a fundraiser." said Dolores. "Fundraiser? Like anyones gonna buy from our bakestand when they have way better food." I said pointing down the road at our rival restaurant rival. "Who said I was talking about a bakestand?" Oh, my brain just automatically guessed a bakestand since that's what most normal people do, my mistake. "Well what were you thinking?" "Dunno, Any ideas?" Well, then I guess we're going with the cookies and a wood stand! "No, not really." I say. "Do you know anyone who might be able to lend us some money even for a paint job?" Hmm...let me think, like anyone can afford paint around here, living in a poor town! Just peachy! "Everyone I know can't even afford their own paint." "That's what happens in a poor town, right?" Oh crap! She can read minds! Take cover! All my psycho thoughts hide under the tables! "Yeah." The door opens and coffee refills walk in the door, not literally, but that's all they ordered.                               “”“ "Well, I'm checkin' out for the day." said Dolores, she says it as if I dont know that she always leaves at the same time every day. "Yep, I'll just clean up and I'm leaving too." So I headed over to the one table that woman sat at and wiped it off, there really isnt anything else to do, so I head to my car. When I walked in the door, Gala greeted me by licking my face, she was tall enough when she stood on her back feet, as I am freakishly short for someone my age. Mom came out of her bedroom, carying her purse and her phone in the other, she looked disoriented about something. "Feeling alright mom?" Mom let out a sigh, this cant be good, she uselly only wears that face when somethings wrong, or she had a bad day at work, but thats pretty much the same thing. "Mary" She says. Mary what? Is she okay? "Is she okay?" "Kind of, she had a heart attack last night, the hospital just released her this morning to a nursing home." "They probably should have released her yet, right?" "No, they shouldn't have, but they dont think she has too much longer to live" Her voice wobbles at the end of her sentence, Even though Mary was old, she was still very close my mom and I, so losing her would be purely awful. "We're going to see her, right?" I dont know why I said that, we are obviously going to see her. "You think I'm gonna leave her by herself?" I feel worse with my mothers reply, it was rather harsh, so I know she is worried. "Your right,that was a stupid question" I followed her quietly to her car. She turned the key, it cranked and cranked, but didnt start. "We'll take my car." I say after mom gave up, the battery has been needing jumped every day for a while, and company's wont lower the flipping price of car batterys! It was a quiet and awkward ride, the home was about an hour away, sometimes its nice to just get in tje car and ride, with no plan as to where you re going, or what your even doing. But this is not a relaxing ride, Mary is laying in a hospital bed, probably not feeling too good, and she likes to talk to anyone and everyone, but shes probably by herself right now. Sometimes we can pull a radio signal, so I try, but I regret it. 'Deeper than The Holler' came on, it was mom and Dads song when they were in high school. Tears were swelling up in moms eyes, tears like a blade piercing my heart, slow and painful. I turned it off, I miss him too much, and its not safe to drive for my mom to drive with blurry vision. I clear my throat. "I'm sorry." Tears roll down my face as I choke on the words. "Sometimes," mom says "we need to let go, and get over the past, to be able to live in the present." She reached forward and turned the radio back up. I can't believe she just did that. The song that brought back so many memories, them dancing in the living room every time time it came on, their wedding song. She turned it back on. After my heart was drained of anything happy, she had the strength to turn it back on. She knew him better then I did. She went on trucking trips with him, he was a trucker. After Emily was born, Mom ha to stay home, every once in a while she would go with him. After I was born, she went with him even fewer places. Then Dylyla came along, Mom couldnt go at all. Dylyla doesnt even live with us anymore, she lives with Grandma. It really makes me mad when I think of it, mom wanted her to get her grades up, or she was going to make her take a break from cheerleading. Dylyla hated mom after that, but Grandma didnt help at all, she said Dylyla could live with her and not worry about education.                                “”“ One of the home workers led us to Mary's room. I followed mom and Alice, the worker, down a brown hallway, it smells like a Bingo room, anything that smelled nice before, was now overpowered by cheap perfume. Alice left us at the doorway, Mom headed in first. "How are you?" Mom asked, I just hovered around the end of the bed, like a bee unsure of itself, that is what I am, always unsure, of everything. Thats the thing about life, you may think its certain, but I've learned that it never is, its always changing, just like the tide, the whales are so sure they won't be beached, yet they still are. I realize mom and Mary are deep in conversation, I dont really hear it though. Finally, Mary looks away from Mom. "Well don't act like a stranger! Get over here!" I smile, makeing my way to hug her, she is always so happy. "Oh I missed you! That girl does nothing but chatter on her darn ol'phone!" I feel bad, I didn't realize that it had been so long since Saphy has been taking care of her, well, only two days, but still. I used to think your heart couldn't actually feel anything, it was just you telling yourself it could, but I was wrong. I walk over to chair in the corner of the room and sit down. I am not, will not, cry, not here, not for Mary to see. I feel the pain, the pain people talk about. The heartbreak. I didnt think it was possible, but it is. I dont want it to be, but it is, and there's nothing I can do. The door to the room is still open, I decide to close it, but as I do, I see a little girl, 10 maybe. She is crying. I can only imagine what for, but it can't be good. As quiet as I can, I make my way back to the chair, trying not to interupt the conversation they are back into. I can't feel anything. If I let any feelings in, they will all crumble. I straighten in my chair, put on a face, and push every feeling out, every last one. It worked, I have been trying it a lot lately, and it works now.                                ”“”“” I woke up at 4:00 the next morning. I dont need to be at work for another hour, but I decided to go in early. I dont think I can talk to Mom right now, she'll just try to comfort me, and words arent what I need right now, words are powerful, but not as powerful as a hug, or a day in the rain with a good book. I got out of bed and looked in the mirror, my cheeks are still blotchy from last night, I layed in bed and cried myself to sleep. It is very obvious now. I throw on some makeup, just concealer to cover up the redness. Very quietly let Gala outside, I dont want to wake mom, she has the day off. Once Gala is back in, I lead her back to moms room and close the door.                                  ”“”“ As I pull around the corner to the restaurant parking lot, I notice how bland it looks. It kind of hides. It definitely needs an update. I make a quick turn to the dollar store, I know they have like tablecloths and stuff, but I dont know what to do for the outside.                                ”“”“ There are now tablecloths for all the tables, curtains hanging on the outside of the windows, it actually looks really nice. I also bouhht one of those door frame floral tapestry things. Dolores pulls in as I put on some coffee. "Well, well, Somebody's been doing some shopping!" Said Dolores as she came in the door. "Do you like it?" I ask "Yes! It looks so much better, I thought the place had been demolished and rebuilt!" "It doesnt look that different." In fact, it hardly looks different at all. But it is more noticeable, which is what I was going for. Noticeable, but not in your face, like the place down the road. Dolores went back out to her car, she fumbled around for a long time, then re-entered with a bundle of wires and metal. "Its a radio." she announced like it was gold. "Where did you get that?" "I uh, acquired it." I smile. "You didnt steal it, did you?" I ask raising my eyebrows. "No! Well, maybe, my Ex's truck quit running so I ripped this thing out before we broke up." "And you kept it?" I ask. "Of course I kept it! I also kept his 50 inch TV he just had to have!" She scowls, I knew she hated him, but not that much. She looks at me and lifts a finger to point at me. "Dont you dare say 'I told you so'!" "Well, if you had listened-" I smile and bite my lip at her face, like A warning from an angry toddler. I'm trying so hard to hold in a laugh that I almost choke. "Stop! Its not funny!" Dolores exclaims. "You're right, its not funny. Not one bit." Then we both laugh. After a while, it turns into us doubled over with our mouths open like sick walruses. There no audible laughs. I can only imagine what we look like right now. Crap. Someone just came in the door, Dolores walks to the stove, hiding behind the wall, but I can still hear her laughing. I take a deep breath and walk over to the guys table. "What so funny?" He asks with a smile. "Actually," I say "I dont even know!" "One of those things, eh?" He says. "Yes. What would you like today?" "Eggs and coffee." He says. I walk to the coffee pot and pour a cup. When I go back to the table, he asks if I know his sister. "Whos your sister?" I ask, I already know I don't know her, but I dont what him to think I can read minds or do crazy crap like that. "Jane Brown" he says with a kind of longing in his eyes. "No, I don't think so." I know so, but he doesn't look too happy right now, nor does he look like he had a good relationship with her, since he hasnt looked up from his coffee. "Nah, I didn't figure, ain't nobody seen 'er." His eyes actually have tears in them. Should I sit down and comfort him? She I leave him to his feelings? I decide to pull out a chair and sit down, I still dont know if its a good call. "What does she look like?" I ask. "Hang on." he says as he fumbles in his pocket for his phone. He shows me a picture of a girl with short blonde hair and bright blue eyes. "We weren't very close when we were kids, but just as we worked out our issues, she was gone." he says, his eyes not really focused on anything. "And did she she say where she was going?" "Oh, I know where she went, but she aint in good shape." I feel like I shouldnt ask any more, so I dont but soon he is deep in his story of his sister, how she got in an unhealthy relationship, and the guy "poisened her brain" And that she wouldnt be coming back anytime soon. And that he was hoping she would come back home soon. As he talks, I notice green flecks in his blue eyes. I look away from his eyes as I realize that I shouldnt be looking at a stranger that way. But he does look to be around my age. Stop thinking like that! I tell myself, but I dont listen. After he was finished talking, I say "You know, my little sister is like that, expects to have the world handed to her. She lives with my grandma now" He looks at me and smiles, a smile he has probably practiced in the mirror. "Has anyone ever told you how pretty you are?" He asks, still smiling. Heat rushes through my cheeks. I tuck my hair behimd my ear, hoping he doesnt notice how red my cheeks are. "No, why?" I shift in my chair. Yes, sitting down was the right choice. He laughs, a small laugh, but it sends a chill through my stomach. "I think you know why." He says. Now, the chill turns into a sickening feeling. I'm being called pretty by a stranger. Kind of creepy, ain't it? Dolores hollers around the corner. "Eggs and coffee on the love boat." I look back at him as I walk to get the plate, surprised to see him looking at me. "Thanks for that." I hiss at Dolores, who looks very pleased with herself. As I set the plate at his table, he looks at me, I'm not sure what to do, and I'm getting a little uncomfortable, I've never had an experience like this before. "I'm John, by the way." "Selina." I say and walk back to the kitchen and hide behind the wall. Dolores is plugging in the radio. I walk up behind her. "Dont you dare turn that on!" She looks up and smiles. "Why not?" She asks innocently. "Because the only station we can pull in is a love song station, and I know what you'll do!" "Okay, you dont have to lecture me!" "Okay, just...don't do anything." I walk over to a cormer amd lean up against the wall, I close my eyes.                               ”“”“” When I hear the bell above the door ring, I walk to clean up the table. I find a napkin with a phone number on it. I look behind me to make sure Dolores isnt watching, and shove the napkin in my pocket. I try to fight my smile, but I can't, so I just bite my lip to try to conceal it. I carry the plate and bill back and set them on the counter. I'll deal with it later. "Did he leave his number on the bill?" Dolores asks. "No," it isn't a lie, because it wasnt on tje bill. "And never will, so will you just knock it off?" "Ha! Not a chance." She answers. "Besides," she says "you could use some pointers." "Pointers? From the girl that just stole her Ex's radio?" "Hey! After 5 years of dealing with his crap, I think I have a right to a radio that was going in the dump anyway." I roll my eyes at her. I really wish I had a book that I could hide behind right now. Sadly, I still dont have any deals. Dolores is pulling out a small bag from her other huge bag. "How many bags do you have in one bag?" I ask. "7." She answers like its not obscure to carry around more than one huge bag. "What is that one for?" I ask. She pulled out a glittery purple one and set it on the counter. "If you want to make a good impression," She says. "For who?" I interrupt, I know who, and what, she means, but I'm never gonna even see him again anyway. "You know. The one you were just swooning over." "No," I say "I'm am not participating in your little plan here. Besides, you know how many girls he probably leaves his number to? Too many for me to care." She scans me like a lie-detector. But I'm not lying, I dont really want to be seeing someone who goes into random resteraunts and talks about his personal life to some waitress. I feel like I'm lying. But I'm not. Am I? No. Really though, who goes and tells a stranger about their psycho sister? Probably someone who will tell anyone anything, even if its none of their business. "Fine," Dolores says. "If you dont want a little romamce in your life, that's your choice." She says as she puts all her bags back in her bag. "That wasnt romance," I say, "That was a guy complaining about his sister. What's 'Romantic' about that?" She shrugs her shoulders. "I dont know, maybe because he chose you to talk to." "He didnt 'choose' me! Besides, if you would have went over there, he would have talked to you." "Okay then! Tomorrow, when he comes back, I will go wait on him, see what he says then." "You just do that," I say, sitting down on the barstool. "And good luck, because he wont be back." "Right." Dolores mumbles. But, I dont know what shes planning, because he aint gonna be back. Chapter 2 I get back in my car, and let out a sigh. I had a meeting with the Eldersons, I guess they wanted to see how I was, no one has ever wanted a visit before. Its refreshing to finally smell fresh air. The air in the house was full of air fresheners, I would almost bet that it smelled better without all the fragrances. They were pretty nice, I guess. Emma, Brians mom, asked me things like what I have in mind for my future amd small-talk like that. But nothing really related to care-giver work. Maybe she was just testing me. She is leaving her son with me, after all.                                  “”“” When I get home, Mom is popping popcorn on the microwave. Gala is at her feet begging. "Gala! You user puppy!" I say as I bend down to pet her. "I figured we could use a movie night" Mom says as she piches the popcorn bag and puts it all in one big bowl. "We havent done that since Dylyla left." "No, we haven't, and since its just you and me, you can pick the movie." "You say that like you dont know what I will pick." My mom knows I have two favorite movies. That is one thing I told her. "Hm. Half-Blood Prince, or Divergent?" She asks. That is a hard choice, its been a while for both. "Which would you rather watch?" I ask "I cant make up my mind." She smiles, I already know what shes going to pick. "Harry Potter, Baby!" She says.                                 ““”“ I wake up tired. We ended up watching all 8 Harry Potter movies, and all 3 Divergent Movies. We probably should have gone to bed earlier, but, we you are handed movies like that, theres no telling how long you'll be awake. We probably should have waited for the weekend. We both have to work today, and Emma wants to meet "Privatly without the family." I don't know what that's about, but I imagine since Colin, her youngest son, was being pretty distracting, she wants a more focused setting. We are meeting at a park at 3:00, but I dont get off until 4:00, so I'll have to talk to Dolores. She'll probably cover for me, not that it matters, no one is ever there. I slept through my alarm, so I hurry and dress, then run through the house like a ninja finding food.                                 ”“” When I get there, Dolores is already there. Normally, I'm here way before she is. "Is everything alright?" She asks when I come in the door. "Yeah, Mom and I stayed up until 3:00 in the morning." I say as I tie on my apron. "Why in the world would you do that?" She asks. "Oh, you know, Harry Potter." I answer, smiling. "Ah, I see. I just wanted to make sure everything was alright. Did you get a call last night?" She asks. I look at her questoningly. "What do you mean?" I ask. I feel clueless, like I should known what shes talking about. "Wow, you really must have missed a lot of sleep." She says. "I'm sorry, I'm not following you." I say. "Obviously! I'm talking about flirty-pants." I roll my eyes at her. She needs to drop it. "Will you please stop! This isnt some Insta-romance story. So knock it off, I already told you, hes probably some creeper. I'm not even looking for a relationship." I say to clear things up. I guess she took the hint because she just shook her head, but didnt say anything. I stay on the barstool for a while, but after a little bit, these seats get really uncomfortable. I go over to a booth and lay down. Before I know it I'm asleep, not remembering my last thought. I'm awoken by music blaring from the kitchen. Dolores must have gotten the radio working. I sit up, involuntarily groaning. I walk over to the kitchen, rubbing sleep from my eyes, and turn off the radio. Dolores comes out of the bathroom. "Why did you shut it off? And why do you look like a zombie?" She asks, but all I can do is glare at here. My mouth wont form words right now. I go back to the booth, but don't lay down, instead I stare out the window, wondering if penguins have knees. Soon, cars and people and bikes going by are just blures of color. I dont even her Dolores when she walks over. I dont notice until she blocks my view. "Here." She throws my phone into my lap. I pick it up, there a million texts from my mom, and a few missed calls. 'are you ok?' 'why arent you answering?' 'seriously, reply!' I keep scrolling, more of the same. Her texts look panicky, I immediately think the worst. Then I see the first text. 'hey sweety, she passed away, I'm sorry.' I can't see anything. My vision is blurry with tears. I feel Dolores' hand on my arm. An attempt at comfort, but we both know shes not good at it. I stare at my hands, this time, I'm going to let my tears come. She's gone. She's gone. She's gone, and I was not there for her. I wasnt there. And now shes gone. Gone. The word repeats in my head, as if on a broken record. It won't leave. It wont stop. And neither will the tears. Maybe she is in a better place. Maybe shes up there with her Mom, her Dad, her brother. I lean forward and put my head in my hands. I feel Dolores rubbing my back. She met her. Once. I feel like a wimp. Sitting here, crying. Its not who I am. But then again, who am I? I don't know. Not anymore. We should have visited her last night. Instead of watching movies. We should have. I cant think straight right now. What did I do after Dad died? I don't know. I dont remember. Not now. But I went through it once before I look at Dolores. She has a small tear in her eyes. More from sympathy, it looks like. "You can go home." She says before I can even ask. I lean over and side hug her. Sniff, and shove my phone in my pocket. I take off my apron and hang it on the hook. I walk out to my car. Crank the engine, and pull out. I feel numb. Too numb. I feel like I should be feeling something. Other than a blade in my chest. That's it. That's all I can feel.                                ““”“ When I get home, Gala is ready to lick my tears away. I sit down on the floor, and Gala and I stare into each others eyes, for a long time. Sometimes, I think animals understand things better then humans. Animals will put aside everything they have wrong. Humans are wrapped up in their own problems, that they wont put aside. Animals are truly a blessing. I feel bad for the unfortunate souls that dont like animals. The wall phone rings. I get up and check my voice to make sure it will work. "Hello?" "Hello, this is Emma, are we still meeting?" "Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I forgot, I'll be on my way! I'm so sorry." "Don't worry about it, I heard what happened." "Y-you did? From who?" I try to sound curious, not demanding. I dont know if it worked. "Oh, your mother told me this morning." "Oh, ok, I'm on my way." I hang up and run to the mirror. Blotches. Of course. I put on more makeup. Grab my purse. I'm out the door before I realize. Emma is already sitting on a park bench, holding a book, as gentle as if it could crumble in her finger tips. She looks beautiful with her hair blowing around. Her son definatly looks more like her than his dad. I step out of the car, Emma hears the car door shut, she carefully sets the book on top of her purse, when I get closer, I realize its a journal. "Hello!" She starts walking towards me, I'm walking toward her, I'm feeling very awkward, should I stop walking? I'm taken by surprise when she hugs me, as if we are long lost friends. Lost. The word rings in my head and I think of Mary. No. I wont think of her right now. Too late. My eyes are watery. "I'm so sorry to hear what happened." Emma says with a sorrowful look on her face. She's a nice woman. I've met her once, briefly. And she is already pitiful for me. I don't think that is normal. But maybe Ive never met a truly nice person before. Maybe I have. I dont remember them if I have, but I remember all the rude people who will shove me out of the way at the grocery store. Or flip me off in traffic. Or the man who killed my father. I will always remember his face. Permanently etched in my brain. People can't forget something when it affected them so badly. Thats not how the mind works, unfortunately. It would be wonderful if I could just tell myself to forget something. I would be much happier. Or would I? Maybe. Maybe not. "Well, at least shes in a better place now." I say. My eyes flick up to the sky. I hope thats where she is. I look down and stare at my shoes. Emma goes and sits on the bench. She moves her purse and beckons for me to sit. I walk over. Awkwardly. The bench is short, so we're only about a half an inch apart. I bring my shoulders forward to keep from brushing her. I dont know why though. I just feel uncomfortable. "I would like to ask you something." Emma says, "I hope these questions arent too annoying for you, I'm just a curious person." I look up at her and shake my head. "No, youre fine, I understand, I mean, you are leaving your son with me." I flash a quick smile at her. "Ok then!" She says. "Why did you choose to become a care giver at such a young age?" She lowers her voice towards the end of her sentence. I decide to give her the truth. Though I've never actually told anyone. They ask. But I just tell them I like helping people. "I watched both my Dad and my Grandpa die. It was hard. But I figured I could lie and wollow in my self pity, or I could help other people going through the same thing they did." I shrug. I want it to sound casual. But how casual is talking about your dead relatives to a stranger? She rubs my arm, like I'm her daughter, or younger sister. She seems like she could put aside her problems, or maybe she already has. I dont know. I dont know a lot these days. I dont know her, but shes nice. I dont know Brian, but he looks like her. I dont know Colin, but he's a good kid. I dont know my little sister, but I miss her. I dont know. I dont know. It rings over and over and over in my head. I want all of this to stop. I want everything to go black so I can curl up and forget everything. I want it to stop. How? How can it stop, when its real? "I know how youre feeling." Emma says. How? How could anyone know what I'm thinking, when we're all so different? Maybe we aren't different at all. Beating heart. Breathing lungs. Blinking eyes. Its all the same. Or is it? I'm questioning everything I know. Why? Because I'm not sure anyone knows for sure. Maybe they do. Right now, I vow to never think anything is certain. Even if I want to. "You do?" I ask. I'm still staring at the grass. I didnt even realize. But I dont look at something else. Maybe I'm being rude. "Yes. I went through the same thing when I lost my baby. I wanted to give up on everything. And everyone. I just wanted to curl up in a ditch and think of nothing. But I finally realized that there is so much around me. Everything is so much more then meets the eye." She looks around at the trees, the cars, and the children playing. Then I realize, the trees look like theyre swaying in the wind. But they're producing oxygen, they're housing insects amd lives smaller then we can see. The cars look like theyre driving themselves. There is someone inside, giving instructions to an engine that moves everything else. The children look like they're just sliding down slides. But theyre pretending to be superheroes, gliding through the sky like birds. How could I be so narrow-minded? There is too much worth remembering to just give up. I was focusing on the negative. When there is way more positive I could have been thinking of. "Yeah, sometimes I forget that." I say. "Not just you, I think everyone forgets it occasionally. Nothing to worry about, just something to be aware of." She reaches down and puts the journal back onto her purse, which just slid off. "Can I ask you something?" I ask. "You just did, didnt you?" She says smiling. I smile back. Like I'm with an old best friend. I feel comfortable enough to go ahead and ask. "Whos journal is that?" I ask pointing at the old book. The thread is fraying at the spine. It still smells like leather. Like its been in a box for years. "Its my moms. I found it a few years after she died. But I just now got the guts to read it. Im glad I did. I'm learning alot from my 14 year old mom." She looks at me quizingly. I feel like she is going to ask me something I wont know how to answer. "How is your relationship with your mom?" I knew it. I frickin foretold that! "Well, I mean. Its good, I guess." I feel like an idiot. I love my mom. But is that enough? I dont know. When I listen to music, they say love is the most powerful thing ever. But is love alone enough? It doesnt seem like it, but then again, what more could you give? I don't know. "I guess it isnt perfect. But I love her. Is love enough?" I ask. She seems wise and honest, I'm quickly comfortable around her. Even more then with Dolores. But Dolores seems always pre-occupied with her own thoughts, Emma isn't. I dont know how she does it. "Well, the feeling of love is enough, but just saying 'I love you' is not enough. You have to show that someone what they mean. You cant just tell them. They have to feel it. It sounds cliche. And probably overused, but its overused because its true. Why would anyone say it over and over if it isnt true? They wouldn't. Or theyre just good at acting." She says. Yes, very wise. But why use the word acting? Instead of lying? "Isnt acting and lying the same thing?" I ask. "No, not necessarily. Lying is making something up, just to see how it works. Acting is believing that something is false, but somewhere in them, they might just believe that its true, or vice-versa, depending on how you look at it." That answer is satisfying enough. But I have one more that is buzzing in the back of my head. "Do you believe that everyone is unique? Or that we are all the same?" I ask. I should be asking these questions to my mom, but I'm not. "Well, what I believe is very complex. Yes, I believe we are all unique. But I also believe we are connected by some invisible line. The same line that allows us to feel someone staring at us from yards away." She says. I wonder what school she went to that teaches this stuff. Or did she learn it on her own. "Where did you learn all this stuff?" I ask, calmly, not demanding, or insistent, just curiously. "That's the thing, I dont know any of this for sure, but its things I've thought about while sitting in silence." She looks at me quizingly again. "Do you listen to music, Selina?" She asks. Again, I'm going to answer honestly, I feel like I'm getting an honest overdose. This is the most honest I've been in years. "Yes, like when its quiet. I dont like to be alone with my own thoughts." I lean forward and pick up the blade of grass that I was staring at previously and start folding and ripping it. "Sometimes, we can learn from our thoughts. Sometimes, its better to be in quiet. Music is great too! But sometimes, say 15 minutes a day, we should be in silence." She says. We are again deep in conversations, about beliefs, wonders, and everything between. For a minute, I forget about my griefs. But grieving is useless. What good does it do anyway? Besides allow you to feel sorry for yourself? It does nothing besides that, at least in my experience with it. It might work for other people, to maybe let go of something. But is that really grief? I dont think so. Maybe it is. Who knows for certain? How many certain things are there really? I make a mental list. God. Family. Hope. Faith. Gravity. Oxygen. ?. Thats all I can think of. Maybe Love? No. Love could be a lie. This is a list of completely certain things. Yes, I love my mom, but thats what family is. So love is not included in this list. Is that a good or a bad thing?                                 ”“” I'm back home. Emma and I talked until sunset. I still don't know what the purpose was in her mind. But I'm glad we met. I feel like a veil has been lifted. One that was blurring my vision of the world. I dont think I should base my thoughts off of what one person says. But, its a start. I should ask what other people think of the world. I make another mental list. Mom. Dolores. Emily. Dylyla. Yes, I will ask Dylyla, I want her back home. I miss her. But I won't grieve. Its useless. Maybe I will. I'll count to 10, let the grieve come in. Then push it out. 1 2 3 Why? 4 How? 5 Why? 6 What is this pain? 7 Is it my fault? 8 Will I really see them again? 9 What if I don't? 10 I let out an internal scream. Then its gone. Its gone! I will do this every time. I feel light. Like a feather. A feather that attached to a bird. A bird that is very intelligent. A bird that is hungry, but full at the same time. That is a very conflicting idea. But it makes sense to me. And that's all that matters, right? As long as I understand what one person means, my life is not wasted. Even if that one person is myself, or Emma, or Mom, or Emily, or even a stranger on the street. Thats what I believe. Is it though? Is that what I really believe? Yes, it is. And I need to stop questioning myself so much. I need to stop a lot of things. But right now, I'm focusing on, well, focusing. I need to really look at the world. Then I will really look at myself. I will fix what I need to fix. But if its fine, why fix it? Why not improve it? Yes, that sounds good. That's what I will keep in the back of my mind. Like a sticky note on the walls of my mind, I will write it big enough to see from anywhere in my mind. I pretend I'm ripping all the other notes on the wall away. The notes that don't matter. "Grief" "Self-pitty" "Why?" I keep ripping. And I rip them all away. There are only a few left. "Famliy" "Hope" "Faith" "Learning" "Realizing" Those are the only good notes I made. I will add more to my mind-walls soon. As soon I learn more, as soon as I get my family back together, as soon as I find hope again, as soon as I find faith, as soon as I realize how amazing this world actually is. Until then, this is all that matters. I crawl into bed. I'm asleep immediately.

Harmonize. (First book I ever wrote. age 9)

Its quite here. There is no noise, except Gala snoring next to me. A car pulls into the drive, Gala snaps awake and growls at the noise. The person in the car is Emily, my sister. She "accidently" left her wedding ring here last time she visited. I think she just wanted a reason to come home again. Just a few weeks ago, Emily married Tom, a semi-truck driver who treats her amazing. They go everywhere together, which is why Emily needed an excuse to come home. I hear the front door open, and I hear her shoes on the floor. She knocks on my door. But walks in immediately after. So the knock was pretty pointless. Why is she In my room though? I told her where the ring was when we were on the phone earlier. I tried to make it sound like I wasnt going to be home. Its not like I dont love my sister, I just dont want to talk to her right now. I dont know why. But I don't. She stands in the door way and stares at me, I stare at the floor. "Selina, what is it?" Said Emily making her way to my side. "Nothing." Emily started poking my arm, trying to get my attention. I pretended not to feel Emily, though it was getting very annoying. "What is it? You can tell me." Oh! Wow! Yes! I'm just gonna tell you everything! "I dont know,I guess I just want to be able to support myself." I cringe, that's the best my brain can come up with? Pathetic. "What? You already support yourself." Okay, I'm getting pretty annoyed, just play along! "No I'm mean, completely support myself, like, in my own house..." That part wasnt a lie, I do want my own place. "Well, just, I don't know, just dont rush yourself." I looked up at Emily, I know why she has someone and I dont, she is stunningly pretty. I have always thought she was beautiful, her freckles around her nose, the short wavy auburn hair that hang over her shoulders. Like our mom. I dont look like them. My features are plain. I'm sometimes feel invisible, like my face has been used too many times. "Well," I said "I've gotta get to work." "You know," said Emily ,"you shouldn't be working two jobs at 19." I work one, so I correct her. "I only work one." I try to say this as serious as possible, but its hard to when Mary is such a wonderful woman. "Oh right, 'taking care of Mary isn't a job' right?" Emily said in an awful, what I would guess to be an impression of me. "Well, it isn't." I turned and grabbed my purse from the dresser, as Emily was passing me to leave. I walked out after Emily, who turned for the door, after she said goodbye to mom. My mother is wearing a scowl, one she saved for a very specific person, this cant be good. Or it might be really good! "Mary Rogers called last night, Saphy got her driving license so she'll be taking care of her now." Saphy, that little...I decide not to discuss her right now, I already know my mom hates her as much I do, so I play it off as if I'm talking about someone pleasent. "I thought Saphy was in Florida? Remember, she thought she was too good for Louisiana?" I always thought Louisiana was a great place for everyone to live, turns out, pretty-in-pink barbie dolls hate it here. "She's coming back to town, Her friends and her got in an argument, well a 'life crisis' if you ask her." Mom smiled at the 'life crisis' part, I really dont know why though. Other then to, I dont know, add something interesting to the conversation. Her and Emily talk the same way, while smiling. "Right, I need to get to work." I hugged her and headed for the door. I think about Mary on my way to work, A 98 year old woman who always insisted on me calling her 'aunt'. The first time we met, I  had about 20 cats circling my feet, all meowing, Mary came down the stairs with a little furball kitten in her hand. It was the cutest thing I have ever seen! I smiled, remembering how sweet Mary was, but the smile quickly faded. Unfortunately, everyday I have to pass the road where my dad was killed by a drunk driver, I was around 8, sitting in the back seat, singing along to the radio, when a loud screeching sound rang in my ears, then glass reflected red and blue lights on the dashboard. I pulled into the small parking lot of the restaurant I work at, it was just me and Dolores, the cook, and like 5 people that wanted a coffee refill for the road. I normally just read, but I am fresh out of books, so I need to make a deal, I go around my school and ask people for their books, with the promise that I will do the book report, but its summer, and nobody has book reports in the summer. I was brought out of my day-dream feeling my phone buzz, my mom. "hey are you busy?" Nope, just busy with my book-dealer thoughts! "Its never busy here mom." I thinks thats less of a crazy answer, right? "Right, well, Someone just called, He needs a new caretaker." He? I specificaly put on my resume 'Woman Only!' But the resume only exists in my head, and as far as I know, people cant see into my brain place, not that theyd want to, my train of thought often crashes into the Great Wall of Stupid, and repairs take a while. "Do I know him?" That was a stupid question! No, of course you dont know, you have conversations in your head like this one to avoid talking to real people! "I don't think so,his name is Brian Elderson,He just dropped outta college." College?? How old is this guy? I should make friends with him, enough money to drop out of college! "College?How old is he?" "I'd guess about 18-20." Woah, what? Why? And how? "Okay, what is wrong with him?" That sounded insensitive, but mom knows what I mean, I hope. "He was paralyzed in a car crash, I dont think hes gonna be as easy, he was one of those hard-headed and strong-going kids, and now he thinks he useless." Hmm...did she Google him or something? "How do you know all this?" "Hes one of my co-workers son." Mom dosent care for her co-workers, but I've never heard the name 'Elderson' Before. "I've never heard you talk about anyone named Elderson." "I didn't even know he existed, but he over heard Elly and I talking about you and Mary." Elly was Mary's younger sister, though they didn't talk much, Elly was still acting like she was 20, Elly and Mary still cared about each others well being. A woman just walked in the door, and headed to the back corner table. "alright I've gotta go, an alien just walked in." Mom must have understood, because she hung up, or she was afraid it wasn't me talking and someone possessed me, either way I would be happy with. I went to take the woman's order, but before I could speak, the woman said "eggs and toast." I honestly dont know what I expect. We have menus glued under the glass tables. Do people know we serve other things then eggs? I relayed it to Dolores, who was dancing in the kitchen, but stopped immediately when she saw me. "Who is it?" Asked Dolores "Dunno, but she looks rich and official." " 'Rich and official' only you could come up with that." I rolled my eyes and went back to my barstool, and stare at the counter, it has a very interesting design, but not really. Rich and official. Those were the first words that came to my mind when I looked at her, She had blazing red hair and a black jumpsuit, she reminded me of a certain book charecter. I grab the plate of food Dolores slid on the counter in front of me, interupting my disecting of the counter design, and went back to the table and offered it to the woman. I handed it to the woman and went back to the barstool, the counter isnt as interesting anymore, but I continue to stare anyway. Me and Dolores spent the next half hour peeping around the corner at the woman like cannibals, but, she never came back, and we were back to the same few customers. This place is going to go bank-rupt soon, and there is nothing I can do about it, the helpless feeling is the worst, like theres a hole in my chest that little helpless bugs lay eggs. "Well, That kinda sucks." said Dolores "Yeah, What can we do about it though?" I say like wasn't just invisioning little mosquito like bugs laying eggs inside my heart. "What we need is a fundraiser." said Dolores. "Fundraiser? Like anyones gonna buy from our bakestand when they have way better food." I said pointing down the road at our rival restaurant rival. "Who said I was talking about a bakestand?" Oh, my brain just automatically guessed a bakestand since that's what most normal people do, my mistake. "Well what were you thinking?" "Dunno, Any ideas?" Well, then I guess we're going with the cookies and a wood stand! "No, not really." I say. "Do you know anyone who might be able to lend us some money even for a paint job?" Hmm...let me think, like anyone can afford paint around here, living in a poor town! Just peachy! "Everyone I know can't even afford their own paint." "That's what happens in a poor town, right?" Oh crap! She can read minds! Take cover! All my psycho thoughts hide under the tables! "Yeah." The door opens and coffee refills walk in the door, not literally, but that's all they ordered.                               “”“ "Well, I'm checkin' out for the day." said Dolores, she says it as if I dont know that she always leaves at the same time every day. "Yep, I'll just clean up and I'm leaving too." So I headed over to the one table that woman sat at and wiped it off, there really isnt anything else to do, so I head to my car. When I walked in the door, Gala greeted me by licking my face, she was tall enough when she stood on her back feet, as I am freakishly short for someone my age. Mom came out of her bedroom, carying her purse and her phone in the other, she looked disoriented about something. "Feeling alright mom?" Mom let out a sigh, this cant be good, she uselly only wears that face when somethings wrong, or she had a bad day at work, but thats pretty much the same thing. "Mary" She says. Mary what? Is she okay? "Is she okay?" "Kind of, she had a heart attack last night, the hospital just released her this morning to a nursing home." "They probably should have released her yet, right?" "No, they shouldn't have, but they dont think she has too much longer to live" Her voice wobbles at the end of her sentence, Even though Mary was old, she was still very close my mom and I, so losing her would be purely awful. "We're going to see her, right?" I dont know why I said that, we are obviously going to see her. "You think I'm gonna leave her by herself?" I feel worse with my mothers reply, it was rather harsh, so I know she is worried. "Your right,that was a stupid question" I followed her quietly to her car. She turned the key, it cranked and cranked, but didnt start. "We'll take my car." I say after mom gave up, the battery has been needing jumped every day for a while, and company's wont lower the flipping price of car batterys! It was a quiet and awkward ride, the home was about an hour away, sometimes its nice to just get in tje car and ride, with no plan as to where you re going, or what your even doing. But this is not a relaxing ride, Mary is laying in a hospital bed, probably not feeling too good, and she likes to talk to anyone and everyone, but shes probably by herself right now. Sometimes we can pull a radio signal, so I try, but I regret it. 'Deeper than The Holler' came on, it was mom and Dads song when they were in high school. Tears were swelling up in moms eyes, tears like a blade piercing my heart, slow and painful. I turned it off, I miss him too much, and its not safe to drive for my mom to drive with blurry vision. I clear my throat. "I'm sorry." Tears roll down my face as I choke on the words. "Sometimes," mom says "we need to let go, and get over the past, to be able to live in the present." She reached forward and turned the radio back up. I can't believe she just did that. The song that brought back so many memories, them dancing in the living room every time time it came on, their wedding song. She turned it back on. After my heart was drained of anything happy, she had the strength to turn it back on. She knew him better then I did. She went on trucking trips with him, he was a trucker. After Emily was born, Mom ha to stay home, every once in a while she would go with him. After I was born, she went with him even fewer places. Then Dylyla came along, Mom couldnt go at all. Dylyla doesnt even live with us anymore, she lives with Grandma. It really makes me mad when I think of it, mom wanted her to get her grades up, or she was going to make her take a break from cheerleading. Dylyla hated mom after that, but Grandma didnt help at all, she said Dylyla could live with her and not worry about education.                                “”“ One of the home workers led us to Mary's room. I followed mom and Alice, the worker, down a brown hallway, it smells like a Bingo room, anything that smelled nice before, was now overpowered by cheap perfume. Alice left us at the doorway, Mom headed in first. "How are you?" Mom asked, I just hovered around the end of the bed, like a bee unsure of itself, that is what I am, always unsure, of everything. Thats the thing about life, you may think its certain, but I've learned that it never is, its always changing, just like the tide, the whales are so sure they won't be beached, yet they still are. I realize mom and Mary are deep in conversation, I dont really hear it though. Finally, Mary looks away from Mom. "Well don't act like a stranger! Get over here!" I smile, makeing my way to hug her, she is always so happy. "Oh I missed you! That girl does nothing but chatter on her darn ol'phone!" I feel bad, I didn't realize that it had been so long since Saphy has been taking care of her, well, only two days, but still. I used to think your heart couldn't actually feel anything, it was just you telling yourself it could, but I was wrong. I walk over to chair in the corner of the room and sit down. I am not, will not, cry, not here, not for Mary to see. I feel the pain, the pain people talk about. The heartbreak. I didnt think it was possible, but it is. I dont want it to be, but it is, and there's nothing I can do. The door to the room is still open, I decide to close it, but as I do, I see a little girl, 10 maybe. She is crying. I can only imagine what for, but it can't be good. As quiet as I can, I make my way back to the chair, trying not to interupt the conversation they are back into. I can't feel anything. If I let any feelings in, they will all crumble. I straighten in my chair, put on a face, and push every feeling out, every last one. It worked, I have been trying it a lot lately, and it works now.                                ”“”“” I woke up at 4:00 the next morning. I dont need to be at work for another hour, but I decided to go in early. I dont think I can talk to Mom right now, she'll just try to comfort me, and words arent what I need right now, words are powerful, but not as powerful as a hug, or a day in the rain with a good book. I got out of bed and looked in the mirror, my cheeks are still blotchy from last night, I layed in bed and cried myself to sleep. It is very obvious now. I throw on some makeup, just concealer to cover up the redness. Very quietly let Gala outside, I dont want to wake mom, she has the day off. Once Gala is back in, I lead her back to moms room and close the door.                                  ”“”“ As I pull around the corner to the restaurant parking lot, I notice how bland it looks. It kind of hides. It definitely needs an update. I make a quick turn to the dollar store, I know they have like tablecloths and stuff, but I dont know what to do for the outside.                                ”“”“ There are now tablecloths for all the tables, curtains hanging on the outside of the windows, it actually looks really nice. I also bouhht one of those door frame floral tapestry things. Dolores pulls in as I put on some coffee. "Well, well, Somebody's been doing some shopping!" Said Dolores as she came in the door. "Do you like it?" I ask "Yes! It looks so much better, I thought the place had been demolished and rebuilt!" "It doesnt look that different." In fact, it hardly looks different at all. But it is more noticeable, which is what I was going for. Noticeable, but not in your face, like the place down the road. Dolores went back out to her car, she fumbled around for a long time, then re-entered with a bundle of wires and metal. "Its a radio." she announced like it was gold. "Where did you get that?" "I uh, acquired it." I smile. "You didnt steal it, did you?" I ask raising my eyebrows. "No! Well, maybe, my Ex's truck quit running so I ripped this thing out before we broke up." "And you kept it?" I ask. "Of course I kept it! I also kept his 50 inch TV he just had to have!" She scowls, I knew she hated him, but not that much. She looks at me and lifts a finger to point at me. "Dont you dare say 'I told you so'!" "Well, if you had listened-" I smile and bite my lip at her face, like A warning from an angry toddler. I'm trying so hard to hold in a laugh that I almost choke. "Stop! Its not funny!" Dolores exclaims. "You're right, its not funny. Not one bit." Then we both laugh. After a while, it turns into us doubled over with our mouths open like sick walruses. There no audible laughs. I can only imagine what we look like right now. Crap. Someone just came in the door, Dolores walks to the stove, hiding behind the wall, but I can still hear her laughing. I take a deep breath and walk over to the guys table. "What so funny?" He asks with a smile. "Actually," I say "I dont even know!" "One of those things, eh?" He says. "Yes. What would you like today?" "Eggs and coffee." He says. I walk to the coffee pot and pour a cup. When I go back to the table, he asks if I know his sister. "Whos your sister?" I ask, I already know I don't know her, but I dont what him to think I can read minds or do crazy crap like that. "Jane Brown" he says with a kind of longing in his eyes. "No, I don't think so." I know so, but he doesn't look too happy right now, nor does he look like he had a good relationship with her, since he hasnt looked up from his coffee. "Nah, I didn't figure, ain't nobody seen 'er." His eyes actually have tears in them. Should I sit down and comfort him? She I leave him to his feelings? I decide to pull out a chair and sit down, I still dont know if its a good call. "What does she look like?" I ask. "Hang on." he says as he fumbles in his pocket for his phone. He shows me a picture of a girl with short blonde hair and bright blue eyes. "We weren't very close when we were kids, but just as we worked out our issues, she was gone." he says, his eyes not really focused on anything. "And did she she say where she was going?" "Oh, I know where she went, but she aint in good shape." I feel like I shouldnt ask any more, so I dont but soon he is deep in his story of his sister, how she got in an unhealthy relationship, and the guy "poisened her brain" And that she wouldnt be coming back anytime soon. And that he was hoping she would come back home soon. As he talks, I notice green flecks in his blue eyes. I look away from his eyes as I realize that I shouldnt be looking at a stranger that way. But he does look to be around my age. Stop thinking like that! I tell myself, but I dont listen. After he was finished talking, I say "You know, my little sister is like that, expects to have the world handed to her. She lives with my grandma now" He looks at me and smiles, a smile he has probably practiced in the mirror. "Has anyone ever told you how pretty you are?" He asks, still smiling. Heat rushes through my cheeks. I tuck my hair behimd my ear, hoping he doesnt notice how red my cheeks are. "No, why?" I shift in my chair. Yes, sitting down was the right choice. He laughs, a small laugh, but it sends a chill through my stomach. "I think you know why." He says. Now, the chill turns into a sickening feeling. I'm being called pretty by a stranger. Kind of creepy, ain't it? Dolores hollers around the corner. "Eggs and coffee on the love boat." I look back at him as I walk to get the plate, surprised to see him looking at me. "Thanks for that." I hiss at Dolores, who looks very pleased with herself. As I set the plate at his table, he looks at me, I'm not sure what to do, and I'm getting a little uncomfortable, I've never had an experience like this before. "I'm John, by the way." "Selina." I say and walk back to the kitchen and hide behind the wall. Dolores is plugging in the radio. I walk up behind her. "Dont you dare turn that on!" She looks up and smiles. "Why not?" She asks innocently. "Because the only station we can pull in is a love song station, and I know what you'll do!" "Okay, you dont have to lecture me!" "Okay, just...don't do anything." I walk over to a cormer amd lean up against the wall, I close my eyes.                               ”“”“” When I hear the bell above the door ring, I walk to clean up the table. I find a napkin with a phone number on it. I look behind me to make sure Dolores isnt watching, and shove the napkin in my pocket. I try to fight my smile, but I can't, so I just bite my lip to try to conceal it. I carry the plate and bill back and set them on the counter. I'll deal with it later. "Did he leave his number on the bill?" Dolores asks. "No," it isn't a lie, because it wasnt on tje bill. "And never will, so will you just knock it off?" "Ha! Not a chance." She answers. "Besides," she says "you could use some pointers." "Pointers? From the girl that just stole her Ex's radio?" "Hey! After 5 years of dealing with his crap, I think I have a right to a radio that was going in the dump anyway." I roll my eyes at her. I really wish I had a book that I could hide behind right now. Sadly, I still dont have any deals. Dolores is pulling out a small bag from her other huge bag. "How many bags do you have in one bag?" I ask. "7." She answers like its not obscure to carry around more than one huge bag. "What is that one for?" I ask. She pulled out a glittery purple one and set it on the counter. "If you want to make a good impression," She says. "For who?" I interrupt, I know who, and what, she means, but I'm never gonna even see him again anyway. "You know. The one you were just swooning over." "No," I say "I'm am not participating in your little plan here. Besides, you know how many girls he probably leaves his number to? Too many for me to care." She scans me like a lie-detector. But I'm not lying, I dont really want to be seeing someone who goes into random resteraunts and talks about his personal life to some waitress. I feel like I'm lying. But I'm not. Am I? No. Really though, who goes and tells a stranger about their psycho sister? Probably someone who will tell anyone anything, even if its none of their business. "Fine," Dolores says. "If you dont want a little romamce in your life, that's your choice." She says as she puts all her bags back in her bag. "That wasnt romance," I say, "That was a guy complaining about his sister. What's 'Romantic' about that?" She shrugs her shoulders. "I dont know, maybe because he chose you to talk to." "He didnt 'choose' me! Besides, if you would have went over there, he would have talked to you." "Okay then! Tomorrow, when he comes back, I will go wait on him, see what he says then." "You just do that," I say, sitting down on the barstool. "And good luck, because he wont be back." "Right." Dolores mumbles. But, I dont know what shes planning, because he aint gonna be back. Chapter 2 I get back in my car, and let out a sigh. I had a meeting with the Eldersons, I guess they wanted to see how I was, no one has ever wanted a visit before. Its refreshing to finally smell fresh air. The air in the house was full of air fresheners, I would almost bet that it smelled better without all the fragrances. They were pretty nice, I guess. Emma, Brians mom, asked me things like what I have in mind for my future amd small-talk like that. But nothing really related to care-giver work. Maybe she was just testing me. She is leaving her son with me, after all.                                  “”“” When I get home, Mom is popping popcorn on the microwave. Gala is at her feet begging. "Gala! You user puppy!" I say as I bend down to pet her. "I figured we could use a movie night" Mom says as she piches the popcorn bag and puts it all in one big bowl. "We havent done that since Dylyla left." "No, we haven't, and since its just you and me, you can pick the movie." "You say that like you dont know what I will pick." My mom knows I have two favorite movies. That is one thing I told her. "Hm. Half-Blood Prince, or Divergent?" She asks. That is a hard choice, its been a while for both. "Which would you rather watch?" I ask "I cant make up my mind." She smiles, I already know what shes going to pick. "Harry Potter, Baby!" She says.                                 ““”“ I wake up tired. We ended up watching all 8 Harry Potter movies, and all 3 Divergent Movies. We probably should have gone to bed earlier, but, we you are handed movies like that, theres no telling how long you'll be awake. We probably should have waited for the weekend. We both have to work today, and Emma wants to meet "Privatly without the family." I don't know what that's about, but I imagine since Colin, her youngest son, was being pretty distracting, she wants a more focused setting. We are meeting at a park at 3:00, but I dont get off until 4:00, so I'll have to talk to Dolores. She'll probably cover for me, not that it matters, no one is ever there. I slept through my alarm, so I hurry and dress, then run through the house like a ninja finding food.                                 ”“” When I get there, Dolores is already there. Normally, I'm here way before she is. "Is everything alright?" She asks when I come in the door. "Yeah, Mom and I stayed up until 3:00 in the morning." I say as I tie on my apron. "Why in the world would you do that?" She asks. "Oh, you know, Harry Potter." I answer, smiling. "Ah, I see. I just wanted to make sure everything was alright. Did you get a call last night?" She asks. I look at her questoningly. "What do you mean?" I ask. I feel clueless, like I should known what shes talking about. "Wow, you really must have missed a lot of sleep." She says. "I'm sorry, I'm not following you." I say. "Obviously! I'm talking about flirty-pants." I roll my eyes at her. She needs to drop it. "Will you please stop! This isnt some Insta-romance story. So knock it off, I already told you, hes probably some creeper. I'm not even looking for a relationship." I say to clear things up. I guess she took the hint because she just shook her head, but didnt say anything. I stay on the barstool for a while, but after a little bit, these seats get really uncomfortable. I go over to a booth and lay down. Before I know it I'm asleep, not remembering my last thought. I'm awoken by music blaring from the kitchen. Dolores must have gotten the radio working. I sit up, involuntarily groaning. I walk over to the kitchen, rubbing sleep from my eyes, and turn off the radio. Dolores comes out of the bathroom. "Why did you shut it off? And why do you look like a zombie?" She asks, but all I can do is glare at here. My mouth wont form words right now. I go back to the booth, but don't lay down, instead I stare out the window, wondering if penguins have knees. Soon, cars and people and bikes going by are just blures of color. I dont even her Dolores when she walks over. I dont notice until she blocks my view. "Here." She throws my phone into my lap. I pick it up, there a million texts from my mom, and a few missed calls. 'are you ok?' 'why arent you answering?' 'seriously, reply!' I keep scrolling, more of the same. Her texts look panicky, I immediately think the worst. Then I see the first text. 'hey sweety, she passed away, I'm sorry.' I can't see anything. My vision is blurry with tears. I feel Dolores' hand on my arm. An attempt at comfort, but we both know shes not good at it. I stare at my hands, this time, I'm going to let my tears come. She's gone. She's gone. She's gone, and I was not there for her. I wasnt there. And now shes gone. Gone. The word repeats in my head, as if on a broken record. It won't leave. It wont stop. And neither will the tears. Maybe she is in a better place. Maybe shes up there with her Mom, her Dad, her brother. I lean forward and put my head in my hands. I feel Dolores rubbing my back. She met her. Once. I feel like a wimp. Sitting here, crying. Its not who I am. But then again, who am I? I don't know. Not anymore. We should have visited her last night. Instead of watching movies. We should have. I cant think straight right now. What did I do after Dad died? I don't know. I dont remember. Not now. But I went through it once before I look at Dolores. She has a small tear in her eyes. More from sympathy, it looks like. "You can go home." She says before I can even ask. I lean over and side hug her. Sniff, and shove my phone in my pocket. I take off my apron and hang it on the hook. I walk out to my car. Crank the engine, and pull out. I feel numb. Too numb. I feel like I should be feeling something. Other than a blade in my chest. That's it. That's all I can feel.                                ““”“ When I get home, Gala is ready to lick my tears away. I sit down on the floor, and Gala and I stare into each others eyes, for a long time. Sometimes, I think animals understand things better then humans. Animals will put aside everything they have wrong. Humans are wrapped up in their own problems, that they wont put aside. Animals are truly a blessing. I feel bad for the unfortunate souls that dont like animals. The wall phone rings. I get up and check my voice to make sure it will work. "Hello?" "Hello, this is Emma, are we still meeting?" "Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I forgot, I'll be on my way! I'm so sorry." "Don't worry about it, I heard what happened." "Y-you did? From who?" I try to sound curious, not demanding. I dont know if it worked. "Oh, your mother told me this morning." "Oh, ok, I'm on my way." I hang up and run to the mirror. Blotches. Of course. I put on more makeup. Grab my purse. I'm out the door before I realize. Emma is already sitting on a park bench, holding a book, as gentle as if it could crumble in her finger tips. She looks beautiful with her hair blowing around. Her son definatly looks more like her than his dad. I step out of the car, Emma hears the car door shut, she carefully sets the book on top of her purse, when I get closer, I realize its a journal. "Hello!" She starts walking towards me, I'm walking toward her, I'm feeling very awkward, should I stop walking? I'm taken by surprise when she hugs me, as if we are long lost friends. Lost. The word rings in my head and I think of Mary. No. I wont think of her right now. Too late. My eyes are watery. "I'm so sorry to hear what happened." Emma says with a sorrowful look on her face. She's a nice woman. I've met her once, briefly. And she is already pitiful for me. I don't think that is normal. But maybe Ive never met a truly nice person before. Maybe I have. I dont remember them if I have, but I remember all the rude people who will shove me out of the way at the grocery store. Or flip me off in traffic. Or the man who killed my father. I will always remember his face. Permanently etched in my brain. People can't forget something when it affected them so badly. Thats not how the mind works, unfortunately. It would be wonderful if I could just tell myself to forget something. I would be much happier. Or would I? Maybe. Maybe not. "Well, at least shes in a better place now." I say. My eyes flick up to the sky. I hope thats where she is. I look down and stare at my shoes. Emma goes and sits on the bench. She moves her purse and beckons for me to sit. I walk over. Awkwardly. The bench is short, so we're only about a half an inch apart. I bring my shoulders forward to keep from brushing her. I dont know why though. I just feel uncomfortable. "I would like to ask you something." Emma says, "I hope these questions arent too annoying for you, I'm just a curious person." I look up at her and shake my head. "No, youre fine, I understand, I mean, you are leaving your son with me." I flash a quick smile at her. "Ok then!" She says. "Why did you choose to become a care giver at such a young age?" She lowers her voice towards the end of her sentence. I decide to give her the truth. Though I've never actually told anyone. They ask. But I just tell them I like helping people. "I watched both my Dad and my Grandpa die. It was hard. But I figured I could lie and wollow in my self pity, or I could help other people going through the same thing they did." I shrug. I want it to sound casual. But how casual is talking about your dead relatives to a stranger? She rubs my arm, like I'm her daughter, or younger sister. She seems like she could put aside her problems, or maybe she already has. I dont know. I dont know a lot these days. I dont know her, but shes nice. I dont know Brian, but he looks like her. I dont know Colin, but he's a good kid. I dont know my little sister, but I miss her. I dont know. I dont know. It rings over and over and over in my head. I want all of this to stop. I want everything to go black so I can curl up and forget everything. I want it to stop. How? How can it stop, when its real? "I know how youre feeling." Emma says. How? How could anyone know what I'm thinking, when we're all so different? Maybe we aren't different at all. Beating heart. Breathing lungs. Blinking eyes. Its all the same. Or is it? I'm questioning everything I know. Why? Because I'm not sure anyone knows for sure. Maybe they do. Right now, I vow to never think anything is certain. Even if I want to. "You do?" I ask. I'm still staring at the grass. I didnt even realize. But I dont look at something else. Maybe I'm being rude. "Yes. I went through the same thing when I lost my baby. I wanted to give up on everything. And everyone. I just wanted to curl up in a ditch and think of nothing. But I finally realized that there is so much around me. Everything is so much more then meets the eye." She looks around at the trees, the cars, and the children playing. Then I realize, the trees look like theyre swaying in the wind. But they're producing oxygen, they're housing insects amd lives smaller then we can see. The cars look like theyre driving themselves. There is someone inside, giving instructions to an engine that moves everything else. The children look like they're just sliding down slides. But theyre pretending to be superheroes, gliding through the sky like birds. How could I be so narrow-minded? There is too much worth remembering to just give up. I was focusing on the negative. When there is way more positive I could have been thinking of. "Yeah, sometimes I forget that." I say. "Not just you, I think everyone forgets it occasionally. Nothing to worry about, just something to be aware of." She reaches down and puts the journal back onto her purse, which just slid off. "Can I ask you something?" I ask. "You just did, didnt you?" She says smiling. I smile back. Like I'm with an old best friend. I feel comfortable enough to go ahead and ask. "Whos journal is that?" I ask pointing at the old book. The thread is fraying at the spine. It still smells like leather. Like its been in a box for years. "Its my moms. I found it a few years after she died. But I just now got the guts to read it. Im glad I did. I'm learning alot from my 14 year old mom." She looks at me quizingly. I feel like she is going to ask me something I wont know how to answer. "How is your relationship with your mom?" I knew it. I frickin foretold that! "Well, I mean. Its good, I guess." I feel like an idiot. I love my mom. But is that enough? I dont know. When I listen to music, they say love is the most powerful thing ever. But is love alone enough? It doesnt seem like it, but then again, what more could you give? I don't know. "I guess it isnt perfect. But I love her. Is love enough?" I ask. She seems wise and honest, I'm quickly comfortable around her. Even more then with Dolores. But Dolores seems always pre-occupied with her own thoughts, Emma isn't. I dont know how she does it. "Well, the feeling of love is enough, but just saying 'I love you' is not enough. You have to show that someone what they mean. You cant just tell them. They have to feel it. It sounds cliche. And probably overused, but its overused because its true. Why would anyone say it over and over if it isnt true? They wouldn't. Or theyre just good at acting." She says. Yes, very wise. But why use the word acting? Instead of lying? "Isnt acting and lying the same thing?" I ask. "No, not necessarily. Lying is making something up, just to see how it works. Acting is believing that something is false, but somewhere in them, they might just believe that its true, or vice-versa, depending on how you look at it." That answer is satisfying enough. But I have one more that is buzzing in the back of my head. "Do you believe that everyone is unique? Or that we are all the same?" I ask. I should be asking these questions to my mom, but I'm not. "Well, what I believe is very complex. Yes, I believe we are all unique. But I also believe we are connected by some invisible line. The same line that allows us to feel someone staring at us from yards away." She says. I wonder what school she went to that teaches this stuff. Or did she learn it on her own. "Where did you learn all this stuff?" I ask, calmly, not demanding, or insistent, just curiously. "That's the thing, I dont know any of this for sure, but its things I've thought about while sitting in silence." She looks at me quizingly again. "Do you listen to music, Selina?" She asks. Again, I'm going to answer honestly, I feel like I'm getting an honest overdose. This is the most honest I've been in years. "Yes, like when its quiet. I dont like to be alone with my own thoughts." I lean forward and pick up the blade of grass that I was staring at previously and start folding and ripping it. "Sometimes, we can learn from our thoughts. Sometimes, its better to be in quiet. Music is great too! But sometimes, say 15 minutes a day, we should be in silence." She says. We are again deep in conversations, about beliefs, wonders, and everything between. For a minute, I forget about my griefs. But grieving is useless. What good does it do anyway? Besides allow you to feel sorry for yourself? It does nothing besides that, at least in my experience with it. It might work for other people, to maybe let go of something. But is that really grief? I dont think so. Maybe it is. Who knows for certain? How many certain things are there really? I make a mental list. God. Family. Hope. Faith. Gravity. Oxygen. ?. Thats all I can think of. Maybe Love? No. Love could be a lie. This is a list of completely certain things. Yes, I love my mom, but thats what family is. So love is not included in this list. Is that a good or a bad thing?                                 ”“” I'm back home. Emma and I talked until sunset. I still don't know what the purpose was in her mind. But I'm glad we met. I feel like a veil has been lifted. One that was blurring my vision of the world. I dont think I should base my thoughts off of what one person says. But, its a start. I should ask what other people think of the world. I make another mental list. Mom. Dolores. Emily. Dylyla. Yes, I will ask Dylyla, I want her back home. I miss her. But I won't grieve. Its useless. Maybe I will. I'll count to 10, let the grieve come in. Then push it out. 1 2 3 Why? 4 How? 5 Why? 6 What is this pain? 7 Is it my fault? 8 Will I really see them again? 9 What if I don't? 10 I let out an internal scream. Then its gone. Its gone! I will do this every time. I feel light. Like a feather. A feather that attached to a bird. A bird that is very intelligent. A bird that is hungry, but full at the same time. That is a very conflicting idea. But it makes sense to me. And that's all that matters, right? As long as I understand what one person means, my life is not wasted. Even if that one person is myself, or Emma, or Mom, or Emily, or even a stranger on the street. Thats what I believe. Is it though? Is that what I really believe? Yes, it is. And I need to stop questioning myself so much. I need to stop a lot of things. But right now, I'm focusing on, well, focusing. I need to really look at the world. Then I will really look at myself. I will fix what I need to fix. But if its fine, why fix it? Why not improve it? Yes, that sounds good. That's what I will keep in the back of my mind. Like a sticky note on the walls of my mind, I will write it big enough to see from anywhere in my mind. I pretend I'm ripping all the other notes on the wall away. The notes that don't matter. "Grief" "Self-pitty" "Why?" I keep ripping. And I rip them all away. There are only a few left. "Famliy" "Hope" "Faith" "Learning" "Realizing" Those are the only good notes I made. I will add more to my mind-walls soon. As soon I learn more, as soon as I get my family back together, as soon as I find hope again, as soon as I find faith, as soon as I realize how amazing this world actually is. Until then, this is all that matters. I crawl into bed. I'm asleep immediately.