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thefloatingstone · 5 years

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MST3K Recommendations for people who’ve never watched it

So if you’re somebody on the internet under the age of 22 there’s a chance you may have HEARD people talk about Mystery Science Theater 3000 or “MST3K” for short, and may even know exactly what it is, but you’ve not watched it and have no idea where to start. Or if you’ve never heard of it, this is me telling you you should probably watch it.

In the early to mid 2000s, when the only people on the internet where nerds and teenagers who were nerds (like literally. I have no idea how to explain to the Today’s Kids(tm) that the internet use to ONLY consist of nerdy people and fandoms. None of this “Influencer” shit.) Anyway, back when the internet was just nerds, before video was easily available, MST3K was still being talked about via audio clips, usually made by holding microphones right up to the TV, and when youtube launched in 2006, some of the very first videos were MST3K episodes cut up into 10 parts (because originally you couldn’t upload videos to youtube that were longer than 10 minutes and they had to be 240dp). And before google bought youtube, you could find full, complete episodes of MST3K on Google video.

It’s kind of a staple if you’re a nerdy internet person, and you’ll probably see it get referenced by fandom people and youtubers in their late 20s a LOT. Or use some of the things MST3K introduced in their own videos (like the Stinger after the credits for instance)

So MST3K is kind of essential viewing imo. And luckily, because of the nature of the show, unlike... basically EVERYTHING tv related, sharing links of MST3K is actually actively and honestly encouraged by the show creators.

The show ran from 1989 to 1999, changing from airing on one channel to another as it went (I’m not American so I never caught it on TV). And at the end of literally every single episode throughout its entire 10 year run, you would see this after the credits;

The show actively encouraged its audience to tape the episodes to video and share those videos with friends and family. This is because the show was never about “building a franchise” or becoming monetarily valuable for its creators, but it was about people actually watching the show. Even to this day, with copyright claims and “Subscribe to our streaming service to watch this show” running rampant, MST3K continues to be a show whose prime focus is to get people to watch it. (unless you want to buy it on DVD in which case the prime focus is for you to be rich to try and afford them because they’re like $70 for 4 episodes).

As such, some episodes are available for free on the MST3K official youtube channel completely for free. Some episodes you can buy from the Rifftrax website (which is where the show creators now work, doing basically the same thing as MST3K minus the puppets and host segments unfortunately) but I would be honestly shocked if ANY episode is unavailable online because sharing the episodes is.... just kind of the point of the show? I literally managed to find each and every one in 2008 (although that dark drive doesn’t want to work with my newer laptop so I might have to download all the episodes AGAIN. Thanks Technology...)

But if you’re somebody who has NO IDEA which episodes are “the good ones” or you just want to jump in and watch but you’re scared you’ll get a complete dud as your first experience and then not know what all the fuss is about, or you just want to know some good episodes to watch, I decided to throw together a list, along with links.

And with that VERY lengthy intro out of the way, here we go!

In no order

The Touch of Satan Year: 1971 S09E08 Host: Mike Mads: Pearl, Brain guy and Bobo

Despite the movie title there is no Satan in the film. A baffling movie where a good looking “All American Boy” named Jodie drives through a small town while road tripping from Texas to San Fransisco. There he meets a really pretty girl named Melissa who lives with who she claims is her mother and father on a walnut farm, as well as her insane grandmother. For seemingly nonsensical reasons (other than he’s attracted to Melissa) Jodie decides to spend the night at the farm. Eventually he gets pulled into the family curse and learn just who Melissa really is (It’s not Satan).

The movie is incredibly stupid and WOULD be pretty bland if not for the absolutely ridiculous dialogue, bizarre little details you can’t help but focus on (why a Walnut farm? Why is the father always so sweaty??) and just how.... 70s everything is.

Mike and the bots are super on point with their jokes, and it has a few of my favourite jokes and host segments in it.

https://youtu.be/ZebKhabJItE

Gamera Year: 1965 S03E02 Host: Joel Mads: Dr Forrester and TV’s Frank

Look. If you’re gonna watch MST3K you’re gonna have to watch a Gamera movie eventually. And since I could literally put ANY of the Gamera films here, I’m gonna start with the first one. Especially since the following Gamera movies the host and bots have running jokes and references to the first films.

Gamera is a Japanese Kaiju movie franchise originally created to compete with Godzilla. And completely misses the point of Godzilla. Whereas Godzilla was originally intended to be a metaphor of Atomic weaponry and Japan’s national wound following the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki... Gamera is about a giant flying turtle monster who is friend to all children.

....and I friggen LOVE Gamera. It’s because of MST3K’s episodes that I ended up buying a DVD boxset of every single Gamera movie. It’s good stuff. Start with this episode and watch the others as you go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rly_1NPCXAM

Pod People Year: 1983 S03E03 Host: Joel Mads: Dr Forrester and TV’s Frank

This is MANY people’s favourite episode in the whole show, and was my favourite as well until I couldn’t pick a favourite any more. However this is the only episode of the show where I had to pause it the first time I watched it at one part because I was laughing so hard.

Originally intended to be an alien slasher movie, the producers asked the director Juan Piquer Simon to include a subplot where a cute child makes friends with one of the aliens so that they could market the movie as an E.T. rip off (E.T. had come out the year before) If you think this would make the tone of the movie confusing where half the aliens are killing off teenagers and half the aliens are being friends with a small, badly dubbed child... you are absolutely right. But it’s the Host segments and jokes within the film that make this one of the top 5 best episodes in the whole show, if not top 3.

It is the episode that people will most commonly reference even 30 years later.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCl2ZNkfnS8

Jack Frost Year: 1964 S08E13 Host: Mike Mads: Pearl, Brain Guy and Bobo

One of the many badly Russian films that deserved much better than the shitty dub they got. I was THIS CLOSE to putting “The Day the Earth Froze” here instead, but I felt Jack Frost is the easier watch of the two (however I do recommend checking out The Day the Earth Froze as well).

Honestly, this film isn’t that bad at all. It’s shitty dub is a shame but even with the silly voices and calling Baba Yaga “The Hunchbacked Fairy” for reasons I will never understand, the film is actually pretty charming, and if I had it on video as a kid I probably would have really liked it. It’s a classic fairy tale about a pretty and kind young girl who is treated badly by her stepmother and stepsister, but she finds true love in a handsome prince who had been turned into a bear until he could learn humility. Also Jack Frost is there (I have no idea who he’s suppose to be in the original language of the film and I doubt its Jack Frost). The movie is innocent and weird and overacted and the main character of Nastenka is so pretty and big eyed and innocent it’s an easy target for jokes on just how silly and whimsical everything is. The jokes are never outright mean spirited or nasty, just in line with the whole silly movie, and honestly this is a great episode to introduce your kids to the show as it’s not scary and doesn’t have any gore (like some of the other films showcased)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVpOaeBtr7w

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies Year: 1964 S08E12 Host: Mike Mads: Pearl, Brain Guy, Bobo

Yes. That is the real title of the movie. And it is also the most exciting thing about it. This movie is..... incomprehensible, to say the least. I am only BARELY aware of what the fuck it’s even about. There’s a fortune teller on the amusement park wharf? And I remember a terrifying robot monkey asking people to buy tickets, and the main character (I use the term loosely) becomes evil? I’m sorry but this movie is so cut to ribbons in editing and has so little dialogue it’s barely even a movie. It’s held together by the thinnest threads of recurring images. However, unlike some of the other episodes in MST3K with the same problem of barely being movies, I find the jokes by the hosts land much better and they’re not in as agonizing pain as “The Beast of Yucca Flats” which I still consider the worst movie I have ever seen in my life.

I have no way to describe this movie. It’s not even crazy enough to garner enthusiastic “this movie is batshit insane” praise. Watch this one for the jokes by the hosts. And for the title so you can tell people “I watched a movie called The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jLGqN3XG-Q

Eegah Year: 1962 S05E06 Host: Joel Mads: Dr. Forrester and TV’s Frank

Ugh. This movie. Ok. “Starring” Arch Hall Jr. who was a sort of actor and one of those 60s “teen heart throb” singers before boy bands became a thing after the Beatles. He never made it super big, but it was considered a big selling point to films he was in (he went on to being an airline pilot and good for him). This movie is about him and his girlfriend his girlfriend’s father finding a giant caveman in the desert outside their town (in a cave which is NOT made of burlap sacks). The giant caveman falls in love with the girlfriend and follows them to the suburbs.

It’s not the most remarkable movie MST3K ever did. It’s not the best movie they ever did nor is it the worst movie they ever did, but for some reason this film has a tendency to stick in people who watch MST3K’s minds. Maybe the jokes are just THAT quotable, but for whatever reason, it’s one of the staple episodes to watch. And hey, at least the movie is WATCHABLE. MST3K went on to reference things in this film for the rest of the show’s history.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvFBKsW3Aew

Santa Claus Year: 1959 S5E21 Host: Mike Mads: Dr. Forrester and TV’s Frank

A Mexican movie about Santa Claus and his friend Merlin who live on the moon and watch the children of Earth through a telescope to make sure they’re all being good. We focus on the devil Pitch who is sent by Satan to make children misbehave, most noteably a 4 year old girl named Lupita who is from a poor family and wishes she had a pretty doll to play with, and a rich little boy who wishes his parents would spend Christmas with him.

This movie is.... weird. In case the whole “Santa and Merlin are friends and live on the moon” thing didn’t already tip you off. The movie’s pretty harmless overall but it’s just WEIRD. Santa’s castle on the moon is full of children from all over the world wearing the most stereotypical clothes of all time (Japanese children in full kimono, American children all dressed as cowboys, African children dressed in tribal clothes etc etc) and they.... I think they make the toys? I’m not sure. Santa’s reindeer are terrifying wind up toys who laugh maniacally when they’re turned on. There’s a giant mouth on the wall that’s part of Santa’s computer? And an ear that can hear what all the children are saying on earth or something?

It’s just... it’s bizarre. And an excellent episode to watch for Christmas.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTWs3zvz1z4

War of the Colossal Beast Year: 1958 S03E19 Host: Joel Mads: Dr. Forrester and TV’s Frank

I am recommending this one not actually for the movie itself, but for the short which plays first, which is “Mr. B Natural” and which is easily the best and most referenced MST3K short in the whole show.

It follows a little boy who wishes he was cool. He’s visited by Mr. B Natural, the spirit of music. Mr. B Natural is played by Betty Luster and is a bizarre character in himself, being completely androgynous and using male pronouns while being played very obviously by a woman with a very obviously female voice. Mr. B is presented as a sort of pixie character and possibly meant to be like the stage version of Peter Pan which is also traditionally played by adult women. The episode of MST3K aired in 1991 LONG before the concept of Non-binary was even a thing. As such MST3K plays along with the weirdness that is Mr. B, using only male pronouns for him and addressing him as a man, while also commenting on how attractive he is.

Mr. B teaches our little boy main character that if he wants to be cool he needs to buy a trumpet and join the school’s band, and goes on to be one of the most beloved MST3K “characters” who they often keep making references to and who shows up in the host segments now and then as a cameo.

Oh. And then there’s a movie following the short that’s a sequel to another movie. It’s about a man who keeps growing larger and larger in size but the bigger he gets the more he loses his intelligence. It’s directed by the notorious “Bert I. Gordon” whose movies are always more vehicles for cheap special effects than story, plot or characters.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRL8umsMe28

Squirm Year: 1976 S10E12 Host: Mike Mads: Pearl, Brian Guy and Bobo

I am a little biased towards Squirm because I’m pretty sure it was the very first MST3K episode I ever saw (not counting the short “Are you Ready for Marriage?” which was the first anything MST3K that I saw). But even if it wasn’t I think Squirm is still a great episode to check out, and it comes with the double whammy of having the short “a Case of Spring Fever” in front of the film which, if they had the short in an earlier season, would definitely have become a running joke throughout the show. Sadly They only aired it here in the 10th season, but even being in the last season, it’s one of the show’s most famous shorts they’ve done.

As for the film, it’s actually pretty great too. It takes place in Georgia and is SUPER southern to a point of coming across as a parody almost. Our main character is the boyfriend of a local girl, a “city boy” who she met antiquing (a hobby they both share and talk about a lot throughout the film). However, a powerful electrical storm struck the small town a few nights ago, and as a result, it has turned all the earthworms underground into blood thirsty, violent predators (without actually growing in size). The movie is a silly and ridiculous B-Movie, but honestly a LOT of the effects are pretty damn impressive. Before he made it big in Rocky, Sylvester Stallone really wanted a role in the film but didn’t get it. All the worms in the film are real, and bought from the bait and fishing industry. So many worms were used in this film that they completely used up the entire New England’s bait supplies for the whole year following the shooting of the film.

Erm... so don’t watch it if you’re squeemish about bugs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3msPmLpLTUM

Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders Year: 1996 S10E03 Host: Mike Mads: Pearl, Brain Guy and Bobo

omfg this movie X’D this fucking movie.

Ok. So what kind of movie do you expect with a title like that and if I tell you it starts off with a grandfather telling his grandson a story about how Merlin’s magic is real and has come to benefit mankind and help others?

You’re probably expecting some whimsical fantasy low budget Princess Bride knock off, right? This is exactly what the film THINKS it is, too. It THINKS it’s a magical child friendly story about magic and Merlin and him and his wife running a shop that sells magical items to better the lives of others.

So it’s kind of a fucking problem that the stories in this movie are based off of Stephen King horror Novellas!!!

And that’s basically all you need to know about why this movie is kind of a disaster. It thinks it’s an all ages magical romp when in reality it’s a horrifying double feature of pet deaths (warning for a dog dying in the second story) an abusive husband (warning for domestic abuse in the first story) and demonic powers.

Also, despite the film being made in 1996, the second story uses footage from the director’s earlier film “The Devil’s Gift” which was made in 1984. As a result, despite the 1996 release, the child in this part of the movie is playing with Star Wars toys and wearing an E.T. shirt through most of it.

This movie also has one of my favourite jokes by Mike right at the end of the film.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8Q-RuAx4V4

Ah crap that’s already 10 movies and I haven’t even mentioned “Werewolf” or “Puma Man”. dkfhskdhfks Go watch Puma Man and Werewolf!! They’re great!

and finally, special mention;

Manos: the hands of fate

Year: 1966 S04E24 Host: Joel Mads: Dr. Forrester and TV’s Frank

The great grandpappy of ALL the MST3K episodes. Of all the episodes they’ve ever done and all the movies and shorts they ever covered, Manos is the one that crawled under the skin of the hosts and the audience the most. Many people say it’s the very worst film they ever did EVER. As I said, I personally think the Beast of Yucca Flats is much worse if only because it’s painfully boring, but in terms of sheer “this is so fucking bad I can’t even process this”, I guess Manos wins. Being terrible because you’re boring is one thing. Being terrible because you’re completely batshit insane is another.

The story BEHIND the movie Manos is fascinating. Made when the creator of the film made a bet with a friend that he could make a movie despite never having done anything with film before, he went ahead and did it, with a screening and a premiere and everything. The actor playing Torgo was high on LSD the entire time of filming. The Camera used to shoot the film got so hot they could only film 30 seconds for each scene before they had to cut to a new one. The entire movie was filmed without sound and dubbed afterwards. The actor who was going to play the main character broke his leg before filming started and had to be replaced last second.

The movie is indescribable. It is PAIN and it is SUFFERING and it is BAFFLING and you should really build up a resistance to bad movies before attempting to watch this episode. I do NOT recommend starting your MST3K viewing with this one. But eventually, if you like MST3K, you’re gonna have to watch it. There’s just no escaping it.

The only way I can properly explain what Manos is like is to quote Crow who comments in the opening credits (which the film but forgot to put the actual credits over) “Every frame of this movie looks like someone’s last known photograph.”

And that’s it. That’s the whole movie.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZ5baft7Kv0

I forgot to add my links!

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#MST3K #Mystery Science Theater 3000 #Keep Circling the Tapes #long post #links #Gifs #youtube #recommendations

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vagrantblvrd · 4 years

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Lay Your Bones Down (1/1)

Summary: When it comes to soulmates people tend to fall into two camps of thought.

Notes: Prompt fill for the wonderful @ahwuum who has been super patient and supportive. <333!

(Read on AO3)

When it comes to soulmates people tend to fall into two camps of thought.

The ones who go all-out looking for their soulmate. Buy into what Vinewood and other “experts” have to say on the mater. Read all the books on how to recognize the signs or whatever, watch the television specials and pay close attention to their horoscopes and magazines aimed at helping people find them.

Sign up for the websites and download the apps once they become available because it’s a driving force for them, part of their pursuit of happiness and everything.

Sometimes it works, they find their soulmate and live happy fulfilling lives with them.

Other times it doesn’t, and they make themselves miserable looking for a needle in a haystack all their lives and let every other chance for happiness pass them by and it’s. It’s just sad, is what it is.

Then you have the ones like Jeremy who – he’s not going to lie, okay.

He’s curious who his soulmate is. What kind of person they are, if they’d even like each other, get along like a house on fire or hate one another at first sight. (A different way of getting along like a house on fire, and to be honest saying’s always bothered him but that’s a conversation for another day, or something. Whatever.)

He used to think about it a lot more when he was a kid, bright future ahead of him and all these possibilities, right? Smart kid like him? Could have done anything.

And he did.

For a while.

Then one of his buddies got caught up in some trouble of his own making, and stupid idiot Jeremy thought he could help get him out. Only got dragged into the same kind of trouble and into a literal pit facing off against guys twice his size trying to get back out again.

Stopped wondering who his soulmate was when his primary concern was not getting his face beaten in, and then things escalated to the point all of that slipped to the back of his mind.

Soulmates and the criminal life don’t go so well together, puts a crimp in things. (He figured if he did meet his soulmate doing the things he does now, it wouldn’t be a ringing endorsement for either of them.)

So, yeah.

Jeremy pulls himself out of the fighting rings in Boston, but doesn’t do it clean. Has people who’d be glad to put him down, so he decides it would be a good idea to get the hell out while he still can.

Goes from city to city doing what he can to get by. Realizes he’s in a goddamned ridiculous line of work and figures if he can’t beat them he might as well join them (something like that) and goes all-in.

Picks up the Rimmy Tim thing somewhere along the east coast. Browsing through the offerings in a thrift store where he finds these hideous yellow suit pants. Catch his eye, have him cackling like an idiot, but that might be more the painkillers blunting the ache of a stab wound in his shoulder.

Finds a purple suit jacket a few cities over and something about it hits him just right.

It isn’t until he’s somewhere in Texas he spots the cowboy hat. Gas station with a tired looking woman on the register and news on the television talking about something going on in a city named Los Santos.

Jeremy gives her a bright grin, all nice and friendly because he’s just passing through, ma’am, no trouble here. Watches the footage of another gang war in progress play on the television as the woman rings his purchases up.

He’s been seeing more and more about Los Santos the closer he gets, figures it’s a big deal in this part of the country. (Liberty city’s got the east coast locked down for chaos and carnage.)

Gets this little itch going in the palms of his hands because everything he’s seen tells him it would be smarter to stay the hell away from a city like that, but.

Jeremy’s kind of an idiot.

And, you know.

There are still people out there with a grudge to bear against him and a city as big as Los Santos seems like a good place to get lost in.

Can’t possibly get caught up in anything big enough to make the news like half the things he’s seen so far anyway, right?

========

There are books out there that have a lot to say about the placement of people’s Names. Conflicting information based on what old wives tale the author grew up on, their region of the country.

All of them agree on one thing, though. Names closest to the heart mean you’re bound for a happy match once you find your soulmate, get that happily ever after everyone’s running towards.

Jeremy’s Name is on his back, running along his spine, and the one book he read about Name placements had nothing to say on the matter. Didn’t look further into things because he was afraid of what he’d find.

Awkward placement for him to get a good look at it, but he’d tried when he thought he had a chance to find his soulmate. (When it would have been a good thing.)

Did all sorts of crazy things to get a picture.

Tried taking a picture using the bathroom mirror but he only got parts of it in the frame. Set up a series of mirrors like an idiot and got better pictures out of it he played around in the edit mode to flip it.

Other things like that.

Realized his soulmate has the shittiest handwriting known to man or maybe something was wrong with his eyes because even now he can barely make out what it’s supposed to be.

A signature for sure, the way most of them are.

Starts with a big looping letter and ends in this indecipherable scrawl like whoever they are they either gave up along the way or couldn’t be bothered with the rest.

Sometimes he’ll catch sight of it in a bathroom mirror of whatever shitty motel or apartment he’s staying in, wonder what could have been.

========

Jeremy’s supposed to be watching this hacker.

Keep an eye on him to make sure he’s doing what he’s supposed to be doing, or keep him safe, his current boss didn’t specify.

Squirrely little bastard, though.

Scrawny.

Looks like a twig with a wild tuft of hair and this nose that got him picked on as a kid. (If the way the rest of the crew treats him is any indication, that never stopped.

Jeremy might feel bad about how the others treat the guy, if he wasn’t such an asshole.

And anyways, it’s his first job in Los Santos. Some dirty little gang that’s been outsourced to do a job for an ally of theirs.

He’s hired muscle here and so low down in the pecking order he might as well not even have a name.

Just Goon #2 or something.

“What kind of name is Rimmy Tim?” the hacker asks out of the blue, not bothering to look up from his work. “Did your parents draw it out of a hat like a raffle?”

The two of them are alone in the warehouse the gang operates out of. It would be real easy to kill him and pretend he didn’t know how it happened.

Just.

So easy.

The thing that stops Jeremy from doing it is that murder is a bit of an overreaction to the annoying bastard. And, he’s being paid to watch the guy so he’d be shooting himself in the foot. Also, it’s clear he’s not thinking about the words coming out of his mouth.

Some idle thought floating around in his head while he focuses on his work and no brain-to-mouth filter.

“Yeah,” Jeremy drawls. “They used this hat to do it to. Gave it to me on my eighteenth birthday to commemorate the occasion. Even gave me a lasso so I could catch my first horse.”

The hacker keeps tap-tap-tapping away on his laptop for a few moments afterward before he processes what Jeremy said.

Slowly lifts his head to squint at Jeremy like he’s sure he’s being fucked with, but also maybe not?

“Wait, what?”

Jeremy smiles and tips his hat at the asshole as he gets up to grab a beer out of the fridge.

========

As much as Jeremy tries not to think about the Name on his back, the rest of the world makes that impossible.

Television shows and movies. Best-sellers at the store. Songs on the radio. Marketing campaigns every-fucking-where and shoved down people’s throats at every turn.

No wonder so many obsess over their Name when they’re made so aware of it every waking moment.

It’s still kind of weird, though, listening to the guys he works with gossiping about them. Doesn’t matter who he’s working for, where he is, there’s always someone like that.

Stone-cold killers and no remorse to them, and they’ll kick back for a poker game and someone will start up a conversation about the Name on their shoulder.

Curling script and little hearts dotting the ‘i’ and wondering what they have to think about their own rough scribble of a name. (Good penmanship isn’t a requirement for their line of work.)

It’s enough to make Jeremy wonder what it is about Los Santos that people like them think about their soulmates like that. Hope they’ll get the chance to meet them even though they’re on the wrong side of the law and the odds of them getting something good out of it are so damn low.

========

Jeremy’s been in Los Santos for about a year, two, before his name gets put out there as someone people might want to watch out for.

Well, one of his names, anyway.

He still gets strange looks when he introduces himself as Rimmy Tim, but considering Los Santos is the kind of city where everyone’s scared of some idiot in a rubber mask calling himself the Vagabond, he figures he's doing alright for himself.

He’s been hired on by a crew that hasn’t tried to fuck him over since they brought him on to be an extra gun for them. (Yet.)

Decent pay that helps with the rent for the place he shares with a couple of idiots he’s fallen in with in Matt and Trevor, and until recently they were playing it smart.

Did nothing to attract the notice of the bigger crews in town, but that’s changed the last few weeks. His boss with his eyes set on moving up in the pecking order which means coming up against those same crews who could squash them flat with barely a thought.

Trevor keeps harping on him to get the fuck out, fake his death if he has to and have Matt gimmick him up a new identity, the whole works, because.

Fuck, because his boss is taking swipes at the Fake AH Crew.

Just about the worst crew to mess with, what with their reputation for not taking kindly to that kind of thing and all.

The crew Jeremy��s working for keeps bringing in new blood because they’re dropping likes flies with every skirmish they get into with the Fakes.

No mercy to the Fakes when one of theirs gets hurt, just this single-minded anger snapping back around on whoever is stupid enough to go after them.

If Jeremy was smarter, he’d listen to Trevor, he would. But Matt’s got these debts and smart as Trevor is he hasn’t been able to find a way to get him out of them other than paying them off. Jeremy does his part to help, which means being the kind of idiot out there tempting fate working for a certified moron with a death wish.

It’s how you say, not great.

Jeremy’s boss knows he wants out, but he also knows Jeremy doesn’t have a lot of say about it, so he keeps giving Jeremy the worst jobs. Sends him out with the other expendables on what amount to suicide missions and no skin off his nose if they don’t come back.

Which is how Jeremy ends up being partnered with some other disgraced bastard in the crew to put a little pressure on a weapons dealer looking to side with the Fakes. Convince him he’d do well to stick with them, but they pick a bad (good?) time to do with, what with the Fake AH crew members they run into there.

Guy in a leather jacket with a snarling wolf’s head on the back, the goddamned Vagabond, and some pretentious asshole with gold-framed sunglasses and stupid hair.

There’s a moment where they all stare at one another in shock, and then at the scumbag weapons dealer has the temerity to hiccup nervously before the shooting starts.

Jeremy’s not sure who fires the first round, but the moment they do it’s a free-for-all. Bad lighting and not the best anything and it’s confusing as hell.

Bullets flying and enough yelling to almost drown out the gunshots.

He hears one of the Fakes yell something about bringing the car around when things get bad. Sees a figure go pelting out a side door like a bat out of hell. The remaining Fakes doubling down to push Jeremy and his partner back, buy time or just put an end to things.

Jeremy drops behind cover, pops off a few shots and watches his partner – stupid asshole, stubborn as hell and just plain dumb – go down without a sound.

Swears under his breath and returns fire, with the realization he can get the hell out of there or die, and he knows which one he prefers. Cuts and runs like a coward, or just someone with a brain who doesn’t need to run the numbers to know he’s facing shitty odds, whichever.

He finds a door that leads to an alley and runs like hell until he hits a side street. Glimpses an ugly little purple car puttering down the street towards him from the corner of his eye and jumps in front of it to get the driver to stop.

Thanks God the idiot didn’t think to lock their door before he’s ripping it open and forcing them into the passenger seat, means to kick them out entirely but the Fakes find them before he can, spilling into the street.

“Fuck it,” Jeremy says, and “sorry, pal, but you’re probably safer in here than out there,” and then his foot is on the gas and they’re zooming out of the alley to...somewhere.

Jeremy doesn’t fucking know, okay.

He’s shot and bleeding and apparently a kidnapper now?

So.

Yeah.

He drives for God knows how long until he hears this quiet little laugh next to him. Incredulous, disbelieving, and -

“I can’t believe you still have the damn cowboy hat.”

Jeremy almost slams on the brakes because that voice.

British accent and infuriating as hell and what are the odds?

But, the part where he’s running from the Fakes and can’t do that – traffic and all – and just, it would be bad if he slammed on the brakes.

Instead he slows down a bit to keep from plowing into the car in front of them as it slows down to make a turn, and then whips around it the moment he can and keeps on going. Waves his gun in the hacker’s direction to shut him up, intimidate him, who knows, and heads to a safehouse he knows.

Only, the gun doesn’t shut the little idiot up, no.

“You’re bleeding,” Jeremy hears, which is not news to him.

He also hears, “That looks nasty,” which, he imagines it would. Bullet plus squishy human flesh and he’s not great at math, but even he can figure that one out.

Also?

“This is going to be so difficult to explain later.”

That makes no sense at all to Jeremy, but then the hacker’s reaching for his arm and Jeremy sends him a sharp look, because maybe don’t fucking do that when he’s got a gun sort of kind of aimed at him?

Takes a chance by taking his eyes off the road and almost swallows his tongue as he goes to tell him to very fucking politely not because -

“Oh, fuck me,” Jeremy mutters, because.

Stupid hair and gold-framed sunglasses, and Jeremy's kidnapped the Fake AH Crew’s Golden Boy by accident.

Accident.

There are people in Los Santos who’d pay an obscene amount of money for someone to do it on purpose and Jeremy did it by accident.

Awesome.

========

The Golden Boy plays it smart, in his own way.

Doesn’t shut up, no, but realizes Jeremy doesn’t appreciate him trying to stop him from bleeding all over the interior of his car (not so much the bleeding part as the potential risks of what he could do to Jeremy instead, so yeah) and keeps his damn hands to himself.

Babbles as Jeremy navigates backstreets and alleys to get to the shitty little safehouse Trevor scouted out for the three of them a few months back. Paranoid as hell, Trevor, and smart enough to know things would go to hell on them sooner or later.

Either Matt’s debts or the mess Jeremy’s trapped in, who the hell knows.

Trevor’s good about planning ahead, and Jeremy trusts him like no one else he’s met in this shithole city. (He trusts Matt, don’t get him wrong on that. But Matt is the same kind of dumb as Jeremy and it’s just. Better to look to Trevor for shit like this.)

Safe enough to hide out here to patch himself up, figure out what to do from there.

He parks the car a few streets over because you can never be too paranoid in this city. Pushes the Golden Boy ahead of him while they keep to the shadows and the gun ins his jacket pocket as incentive to go along with things for now.

No damn idea what he’s going to do with the little idiot, not that it matters because Jeremy’s fucked any way you look at it.

The Fakes will tear the city apart looking for him, and they know where to start looking. His own crew would sell him out in a heartbeat to save their own skins.

The only good part about this, if it can be called that, is that Trevor will figure out something went wrong when Jeremy doesn’t go back to their crappy little apartment and want to know what happened.

(Hell, now might not be a bad time to listen to him about faking his death before the Fakes find him.)

So until then...yeah.

It’s a mess.

Jeremy’s a mess, suit jacket ruined along with the shirt underneath. Something more than a simple graze that turns his stomach and hands nowhere near steady enough to stitch himself up.

“Fuck,” he says, and again a little stronger as he stares at the his wound, still bleeding sluggishly, ”fuck.”

The Golden Boy shifts. Nervous? Anxious? Who knows.

Says, quiet, careful, “I could help?” like he’s not sure how Jeremy will take it after the whole thing in the car with the glaring and everything that followed.

He shrugs when Jeremy looks up at him, pushes his stupid sunglasses up into his stupid hair. Looks tired without them hiding his eyes. Dark bags and under his eyes and this crooked little smile Jeremy doesn’t remember seeing before.

“I’ve done my share of stitching people up.”

There’s something to the way he says it that makes Jeremy believe it. Him. Whatever.

(The Fakes are known for being vicious about protecting their own, hurt one of them and you’re fucked and he’s never thought much about it before, but. There’s got to be a reason for it beyond not looking weak to their enemies, rivals.)

Jeremy’s out of options, knows he’s probably making a mistake here, but that part about being fucked anyway, so.

“Yeah, okay,” he says, and pushes the first-aide kit towards the Golden Boy.

Watches him like a hawk as he picks through the thing making these little tutting noises as he does because Jeremy may or may not have forgotten to restock it after the last time.

Rolls up his sleeves and Jeremy follows the motion without thought. Eyes going to the line of letters he can see just on the Golden Boy’s his inner forearm. Something familiar about them, but then the Golden Boy notices Jeremy staring.

Clears his throat and pulls his sleeve down to hide the Name inked on his skin. They’re a liability in this business, get people killed, and Jeremy pulls his gaze away guiltily.

“Sorry,” he says, because he’s an asshole and a ruthless criminal as these things go, but even he’s not that far gone. Not the kind of monster who’d take advantage of knowing who the Golden Boy’s soulmate is, use that against him. Not like he can say that and expected to be believed, but still. “It’s...sorry.”

He can feel eyes on him, knows the Golden Boy is watching him, judging him, and then there’s a little sigh.

“No worries, love,” he says, striving for bright and cheerful, just this hint of uncertainty, maybe even fear to it. “Not your fault, now is it?”

(Is it?)

Jeremy remains silent, winces as the Golden Boy sighs again before he picks up a washcloth Jeremy scrounged out of a cabinet to clean away the blood. He works quickly and efficiently, murmurs an apology when Jeremy hisses in pain as he plucks out cloth fibers and whatever else have gotten into the wound before he starts on the stitches.

Neat, even things, and a little laugh afterward when he says it might not scar noticeably.

Not a major concern for Jeremy, but still nice to know.

“Thanks,” he says, as the Golden Boy tapes off the bandage covering the stitches. “Just, uh. Thanks.”

Awkward as hell, thanking the guy you’ve kidnapped (accidentally, and he’s never going to get over that) for patching him up, but hey.

That’s Jeremy’s life in a nutshell.

(Or...something.)

He watches the Golden Boy pack the first-aide kit up nice and neat, reach for a stay bit of trash from the supplies he used, sleeve riding up again and this time Jeremy gets a good look at the Name on his arm.

Realizes why it had seemed so familiar from the glimpse he caught, and reacts without thinking.

Grabs the Golden Boy’s wrist with his good hand, painfully aware of the way the Golden Boy freezes like a deer in the headlights because Jeremy’s still got his gun and the whole being kidnapped thing.

Ignores the pain ins his bad arm as he pushes the Golden Boy’s sleeve up to reveal the Name on his inner forearm.

Jeremy’s name.

Knows his signature after years of using it, every upward sweep and downward loop, and his heart drops because this, this is how he meets his soulmate, of course it is.

“Jesus Christ,” Jeremy mutters, releasing the Golden Boy’s wrist, aware of the way he recoils away from him like he’s been burned. Holds his arm close to himself, hiding the Name on his skin from Jeremy, and he feels sick about his reaction.

(How could he? Why would he?)

Probably thinks Jeremy’s like all the other sick fucks in this city who’d pay anything to know whose Name someone has on their skin. Use it against them and do it happily because it gives them power over them, and fucking hell.

“I - “ Jeremy’s voice fails him and he thinks about just whipping his shirt off to show him why, but that’s.

Gonna send a bad message if he can’t explain himself first, and he can feel himself on the verge of laughing like a lunatic because this is not now he saw today going at all.

He looks up to see the Golden Boy watching him. Wary, as Jeremy would expect him to be after watching Jeremy act like the aforementioned lunatic.

“What,” the Golden Boy asks, voice cracking a little. “What was that all about?”

Jeremy stares at him, because he looks scared, sure, but also?

Angry.

Like he’d kill Jeremy rather than let him use his Name as a weapon or a threat against him. Willing to protect the idiot whose name is indelibly inked on his skin with everything he has because that’s what you do for your soulmate if you give even the tiniest of fucks about them. (Even without their unique situation.)

People are so stupid that way, and it’s both the funniest and saddest things about them to Jeremy.

Because.

He’s got a name running along his spine and he may not know a hundred percent what it is, what with the horrible handwriting, but he knows without a doubt it’s this little idiot’s.

Knows it like he knows every other important thing in his life, and this just complicates things even further, doesn’t it?

Rival crews and a carjacking that led to an (accidental) kidnapping. A soulmate that looks like he’s trying to decide the best way to kill him to keep Jeremy from using himself against him, and it’s getting real confusing in Jeremy’s head.

One thing he does know, though. He can’t let his soulmate (Jesus, Trevor will never let him live this down and neither will Matt) think he’s one of those scumbags who’d use his Name against him.

“Rimmy Tim isn’t my real name,” he says, which should be obvious by now because no self-respecting human being would go through life with it as a name and not have it legally changed at some point.

Just, no.

The Golden Boy’s still watching him. Cocks his head at Jeremy’s admission, eyes narrowing as he tries to figure out where Jeremy’s going with this.

“This is...” Jeremy trails off, knows if he just tells him his name is Jeremy it’s not going to come off well, given the current situation, so. “Uh, this is going to seem weird, but bear with me, okay?”

It’s a bit of a risk, what he’s about to do.

Turn his back on someone with every reason to use the opportunity to attack him, kill him, but he can’t think of a better idea. Just. No better idea and sure as hell doesn’t want his soulmate to think he’s in a situation where his Name is something to be used against him, that fear, even if it backfires on Jeremy.

He twists around and pulls his shirt up, hears the Golden Boy’s confused ”What?” and ”Oh, God, what?” and then this sharp inhale followed by silence.

A long, long moment of silence and this shuddery exhale, cool fingers on Jeremy’s back tracing the letters running along his spine.

Quiet laugh, shaky, and, “Bloody hell,” he hears, followed by, “I knew that couldn’t be your real name,” and another laugh that just sounds tired.

Which, yeah.

Jeremy gets that, he does.

He pulls his shirt back down and turns around to find the Golden Boy watching him again, but there’s a thoughtful quality to it this time.

“So,” he says like he still can’t believe it. “You’re my soulmate, are you?”

Hard to get a bead on how he feels about that, what with the being carjacked and kidnapped at gunpoint thing they have going for them. The way things are a little too Romeo and Juliet for Jeremy’s tastes seeing how well that went for all parties involved in that little disaster.

“Uh, yeah,” Jeremy says, for whatever it’s worth. “I guess I am.”

========

The mirror in the safehouse’s bathroom is dirty as hell, has this crack running straight down the middle of it like the fault lines under Los Santos.

Good enough to get a decent picture of his back at least, have Jeremy frowning at all the scars he’s picked up since the last time he did this. (Five, six years ago? Maybe longer.)

It’s late now, few hours past midnight and the Golden Boy’s sacked out in the bedroom. Tired after a long day and what seems to have been an even longer week for him. Put up a fight because he wasn’t the one with a bullet wound, but Jeremy had overruled him on the basis of 1.) being carjacked, and 2.) being kidnapped after being carjacked.

Not to mention the reason for the carjacking and subsequent kidnapping and just...everything else on top of that they haven’t addressed properly.

More like stared at one another for a long moment trying to process before the Golden Boy yawned, reminding them both of the late hour, and they decided it would be better to pick things back up in the morning.

Sleep on all of it and figure things out then and Jesus if that’s not reason for Jeremy to grab his stuff and get the fuck out. Run off with his tail between his legs before his soulmate tells him thanks for the terrifying day and all, but he just doesn’t see things working out between them – carjackings and kidnappings do not a good relationship make – but do take care.

But he hasn’t, has he. Is creeping around the safehouse being an idiot instead.

Jeremy sighs as he fiddles with the limited photo editor app on his phone, flips the picture he just took so he can read the Name on his back.

Everyone in Los Santos calls him the Golden Boy, sometimes though they refer to him as the Fake AH Crew’s Golden Boy, sometimes he’s Ramsey’s Golden Boy, but his name’s not a secret.

That first letter on Jeremy’s back is definitely a ‘G’, and knowing what he knows now, he can see the rest.

And now that he knows, he’s afraid to say it out loud because there are -

Just.

A lot of unknowns in their future.

Or, not.

At the very least, he knows who his soulmate is now, won’t have to wonder about it anymore, and that. Well, it has to count for something, doesn’t it?

========

“So now what?”

The Golden Boy – no, Gavin – is watching Jeremy closely. Head cocked to the side and so very careful.

Looking at him, Jeremy realizes he never searched him for weapons when they got the safehouse. Wasn’t in the frame of mind to think of it with the chaos of the shootout, pain from his injury and everything that followed. World-changing realizations and all.

Can spot at least one gun on him. A few knives. Who the hell knows what else because rumors say he worked with the Vagabond for a while before the Fakes snatched him up and he’s picked up a few habits of his along the way.

Good news, no immediate rejection regarding the soulmate situation. Bad news, he’s still not indicating how he feels about the fact Jeremy’s his soulmate.

Playing it safe, smart, given the everything else that’s happened or something else, Jeremy doesn’t know.

“What do you mean?” Jeremy asks, because what does that even mean?

Gavin gives him this look, and gestures at himself.

Ego aside, he makes for one hell of a prize.

Any of the Fakes would be to be fair, but the Golden Boy?

Jesus, what stroke of luck to catch him.

Hit the Fakes where it would hurt the most because he’s always been considered untouchable, all these attack dogs keeping him from harm and poster boy for the crew, more so than Ramsey ever was.

Silver-tongued negotiator with an impressive string of successes behind him in the allies the Fakes have won over to their side since they clawed their way to the top.

That whole thing where he’s got a price on his head in the city only the craziest bastards would even think about cashing in on. Catch him and sell him to the highest bidder and live a life of luxury. (Until the Fakes found out who’d managed it and went hunting.)

Jeremy stares at him because 1.), no, and 2.)? Also no.

“How about this,” Jeremy says slowly. “You take that piece of shit car of yours and go back to your crew and I go back to mine and we pretend you did not just suggest what I think you did.”

Because, and Jeremy cannot emphasize this enough, no.

Even if he wasn’t Jeremy’s soulmate the answer would be the same. Jeremy’s an asshole, but he’s got limits. Lines he won’t cross and something like that?

No.

If he did have a personal grudge against the Fakes, well.

Honestly, there are only two things that would be part of that, and they’re both idiots. If something happened to them and the Fakes were involved...

Jeremy can’t say what he’d do then, but he likes to think he wouldn’t sink so low as to do something like that. (You never know what you’d do until you’re in that situation though, do you.)

There’s a long, long moment where they stare at one another, Jeremy’s heart beating double-quick time in his chest because Jesus fucking Christ. Also this sudden, violent urge to throw up because the whole soulmate thing on top of everything and how repugnant the matter of selling him out is with that factoring in?

Yeah.

Gavin laughs, tension seeping out of him as he regards Jeremy.

“Well,” he says, “that’s good to know.”

Like he really thought Jeremy could – would – sell him off like that even without the soulmate thing, Jesus.

“Yeah, sure.” Jeremy scrubs a hand over his face. “You’re welcome?”

Gavin hums, and then Jeremy feels a touch to the back of his hand and looks up to see him watching him.

“I never would have thought,” he says, and laughs like he’s still processing the whole soulmate thing. “I never would have thought you’d be the one.”

There’s...Jeremy swallows because there’s this note of wonder in his voice, the way he’s looking at Jeremy.

“Thought for sure I’d annoyed you past all reason.”

Not...not quite.

Annoying as hell, sure, but there was a part of him that appreciated watching a fellow horrible little bastard at work. Amused as hell at the way Gavin got under the skin of the others they were working with just because he could.

Yeah.

He should have known something was up then, but it was just a job at the time. Jeremy scrabbling to get by and just another job to put money in his pocket and all kinds of excuses that fall flat when he looks back on it.

“Nah,” Jeremy says, and smiles. “I mean, I wouldn’t say past all reason.”

He laughs to soften things, and is rewarded with a quiet laugh and then...it’s not awkward between them, just.

There’s.

“I should contact the others,” Gavin says, reluctant about it. “They’re sure to be worried by now.”

As if they wouldn’t have been the moment they realized something was wrong with a crew known to be as close-knit as theirs.

Trevor and Matt have to be worried about him as well by now, and the two of them can’t just hide away here forever no matter how tempting it is.

Should have gone their own ways the night before everything got complicated on them. Kicked Gavin out of the car somewhere his crew would be sure to pick him up before continuing on to the safehouse, but he hadn’t been thinking clearly.

Too late for that now, though.

“I - “ Jeremy sighs, because there’s no putting things off any longer. They’ve done enough of that as it is. “Yeah, okay.”

========

There’s not much for Jeremy to do as Gavin makes his phone call, but he finds reasons to be out of the room. Give him some privacy.

Wanders around straightening up for the next time someone needs to use the safehouse. Make a list of things he needs to get to restock the first-aide kit. Sends Matt a text letting him know he’s not dead in a ditch somewhere and he’ll tell them everything when he gets back home because he’d rather avoid Trevor’s heavy judgment for the time being.

He laughs when he gets a thumb’s up emoji from Matt, and then a few moments later a succinct Fuck you, man, that’s sure to result from Trevor expressing his disappointment in Matt for not pressing Jeremy for details.

Jeremy makes his way back to the living room just in time to catch the end of the conversation the Gavin’s having with whoever he called. All this exasperation to it and dumb little smile and he just.

Watches him for a long moment since Gavin doesn’t seem to know he’s there yet.

No telling what will happen once they leave the safehouse.

Jeremy’s got to be high on the Fakes’ most wanted list by now, and the smart thing for him to do is stay under the radar until that changes, if it will.

So. Yeah.

Gavin finishes his call and looks up to catch Jeremy’s eye, amused smile playing on his lips so so much for going unnoticed.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, just,” Jeremy shrugs. The safehouse isn’t big, not a lot of places for him to putter about while Gavin was on the phone.

Thankfully Gavin seems to understand that because he laughs, and Jeremy.

God.

He’s heard the stories, you know?

From his parents, other people who found their soulmates and had things work out. The way you just. It’s not some magical thing where everything’s suddenly easy, everything nice and clear and simple, but.

There’s a difference.

This thing where you look at your soulmate and you know.

Their smile seems brighter than anyone else’s, fills you with this. Love, warmth, whatever the hell that can help flip a shitty day over into one that’s a little more bearable. Small things that make life better in a million little ways, make you feel less alone in the world.

Not easy, and shit still happens, but it’s not. Not overwhelming anymore, like you know you can make it through a bad day and any others that come after it because someone’s there to help you through them.

Jeremy sits down next to him and reaches for his hand, feels stupidly relieved when Gavin reaches back.

========

In the end, Gavin gets in his Blista and drives back to his crew, and Jeremy watches him until he’s out of view.

Out of the two of them, he’s the one with the target painted on his back, and while Jeremy’s not delighted about letting him go alone, it’s the smart thing to do.

Jeremy’s a nobody compared to him, can find his own way home without worrying about running into trouble, and he does.

Gets an earful from Trevor who’s doing a good job of looking his usual put-together self, but Jeremy knows him too well by now to miss the signs of Trevor in full-on Deeply Concerned mode.

“Trevor,” he says, because goddamn they’re all kind of dumb. “Shut up.”

He drags Trevor into a hug despite his half-hearted protests – he is lecturing, Jeremy, and hugs are illegal you fiend. And then he does the same to Matt who’s off the side nibbling on a breadstick and trying to look bored and disinterested like he’s not just as worried.

“Where the hell were you?” Trevor demands, hands on his hips and ridiculous as ever. “We heard about what what happened, and then you didn’t come home and - “

Jeremy winces at the fear he can hear plain as day in Trevor’s voice even with the dramatics he’s throwing in to cover for it. The dark circles under his eyes and bloodshot eyes from a lack of sleep and just. Everything he can see mirrored in Matt.

“It’s a long story,” Jeremy says, which is the wrong thing to say even if it’s the truth because it sets Trevor off all over again with his own side of things.

Because Matt keeps tabs on Jeremy, on Trevor. Might as well have animal tracking collars on them or gone and microchipped them in their sleep. No way to hide from him even if they wanted to. (A lie, because they’d find ways around it, but what would be the point when he does it to look after them in his own Matt Bragg way?)

And when Jeremy dropped off the radar after the shootout with all the “extra touches” at the safehouse to prevent them from being tracked there...yeah.

“I, uh.” Jeremy doesn’t know how to put this gently, so he just goes for it. “I carjacked the Golden Boy and found out he’s my soulmate?”

There.

Perfect.

Good job all around, well done him.

Jeremy turns on his heel and power walks to the kitchen to grab something strong to drink while Trevor’s brain tries to process that and Matt stops choking on his breadstick.

While he’s there he decides to be civilized and grabs glasses for Trevor and Matt because he gets the feeling they’re going to need them.

========

Trevor can’t actually ground Jeremy, because for one, Jeremy’s a fucking adult? And two, he’s not the boss of him. (Something Jeremy thinks in the safety and privacy of his own mind lest he give Trevor ideas.)

But.

The three of them are in agreement it would be safest for Jeremy if he kept a low profile for the time being, which means he is more or less grounded.

Sits around the apartment pestering Matt while he works on whatever Matt does. Offering unhelpful suggestions until even Matt has enough of his bullshit and kicks him out of his nerd lair so he can work in peace.

Thinks about doing the same to Trevor, but Trevor is by far the smartest one out of them and voted most likely to plot intricate, painful revenge Jeremy will never see coming, so he doesn’t pester him.

Watches a lot of daytime dramas and talk shows instead. Some DIY videos from the internet on his laptop which is great, because he finds this one channel of a guy who helps him expand on his homemade explosives repertoire.

Also?

Picks up a few delicious recipes and other things from people not out to topple governments or just make really, really, questionable life choices involving explosives.

And then one day Trevor comes up to him with a package bearing the logo of a small delivery company.

He looks conflicted, like he’s not sure what he’s doing is a good thing.

“This came for you the other day,” he says, and holds it just out of reach. “I had Matt check it over first, just in case.”

Jeremy sets his game controller aside, because Trevor has a shifty look on his face. Is having a hard time looking Jeremy in the eye.

“Trevor?”

Trevor clears his throat, fidgets in a way that is very, very alarming coming from him.

“I realize I may not have come across as happy for you as I should have,” he says, waving a hand at Jeremy and his everything. “About this whole. Soulmate thing of yours, and I apologize. For that.”

Jeremy cocks his head.

While Trevor’s not wrong, he’s not. Jeremy knows him, okay. Knows Trevor’s glad he found his soulmate, but there was the matter of everything else to deal with too because Jeremy’s a damn idiot who can’t do anything the easy way.

“You really don’t need to - “ Jeremy starts to say, and snaps his mouth shut when Trevor levels him with a look. “But, ah. Thank you?”

Trevor harrumphs, scowl slowly lightening to a rueful smile as he holds the package out to Jeremy.

“Anyway, this came for you the other day and Matt says it’s not going to kill you. Or, it might, but if it does it will be from cancer due to long-term exposure to radiofreqeuncy radiation and not explosives or what have you.” Trevor pauses for a breath. “But as we both know, that won’t happen for decades if there really is a link between cell phone usage and cancer, so, uh. Yeah. Don’t worry about it.”

Jeremy doesn’t know what to say to any of that, so he accepts the package with a simple thanks and scurries off to his room before he catches whatever the hell Trevor has.

(Too late to avoid the insanity, but he already knew that.)

========

There’s a cell phone in the package, but Trevor gave that away with his unsettling warning about the hazards of cell phones or whatever that was.

There’s also a note.

From Gavin.

Awkward and sweet, and Jeremy laughs as he reads if for the third time because he’s an idiot and a sap.

It’s a chance to get to know Gavin better and a burner phone to make that possible.

Side note about this being for the best until Gavin can talk sense into his crew regarding Jeremy and this rambling tangent that has nothing to do with anything, but still makes Jeremy smile.

They’re getting further and further away from the bizarre Romeo and Juliet situation they were in at first, but everything’s still unbelievably stupid and ridiculous in their own way.

Still.

Jeremy sets the note aside and unlocks the phone and brings up the contacts. Stares at the only one saved for a long moment, nerves and whatever else getting the best of him for a moment before he shoves all of that aside and presses the send button before he can think better of it.

========

A month goes by before Trevor deems it safe to let Jeremy out on his own unsupervised, which is just as insulting as it sounds.

To be fair, it’s taken that long for his bullet wound to heal to a point he can take on work again without making things worse, so it works out.

He’s been talking to Gavin every chance he can get, gone from once or twice a week to three to four to every day thy better they got to know one another. Realizing they might be among the lucky ones to find their soulmate and someone they could stand to share the rest of their lives together with.

He’s been itching at the chance to see him in person again, and Gavin feels the same because he texts Jeremy the name of a cafe along with a time and date, and Jeremy -

“Good God man, you can’t wear that abomination on your little lunch date!” Trevor looks personally offended because Jeremy’s dressed in his finest Rimmy Tim ensemble, complete with a new hat to replace the one he lost in the shootout with the Fakes.

All shiny and white because he felt like a change was in order, and also they were out of brown.

Jeremy keeps a straight face by sheer strength of will, something not helped by the thumb’s up Matt’s shooting him over Trevor’s shoulder.

“What’s wrong with it?” Jeremy asks, looking down at himself like he’s looking for a stray piece of lint or wrinkled fabric. A loose button, something along those lines. And, “You don’t like it?”

Trevor makes this...this noise in the back of his throat that somehow conveys frustration, disgust, and barest touch of rage as he throws his hands up.

“You march right back into your room and find something to wear that isn’t both horrendous and garish right now, young man!”

There’s a delicate silence in the moment after his outburst.

And then Jeremy makes the mistake of looking at Matt, and that’s the end of that. The two of them crack up laughing while Trevor heaves this sigh of utmost suffering that comes from having to deal with idiots like them.

========

Jeremy changes into clothes Trevor deems far more reasonable than Jeremy’s Rimmy Tim getup and makes it to the cafe with time to spare.

Follows the hostess out to an outside seating area and can’t help the goofy smile on his face when he spots Gavin waiting for him at one of the tables.

He looks.

Well.

He looks nervous, fussing with this coin he’s rolling over his knuckles in an obvious nervous habit, but he also looks good.

Button-down shirt that makes his eyes stand out. Pressed slacks and dress shoes, hair – still an unruly mess but it’s more artfully messy rather than all-out disastrous. Those ridiculously expensive sunglasses of his hooked into the collar of his shirt and best of all, he looks rested. Like he’s finally managed to get enough sleep, and the smile that crosses his face when he catches sight of Jeremy -

Blinding.

“Jeremy!” he gets to his feet and pulls Jeremy into a hug, and the last of Jeremy’s nervousness vanishes in the face of his clear excitement at seeing him again after so long.

Jeremy closes his eyes and breathes out a sigh of relief as he hugs Gavin, because nerves and this...he doesn’t even know.

Like part of him somehow thought he’d imagined it all from the shootout to the carjacking (Jesus Christ, that’s going to make the story of how they discovered they were soulmates a tricky one to tell people) to the events at the safehouse.

The phone calls that had spilled over from one burner phone to the next until Jeremy had decided the hell with things and started using his own instead. (A risk, sure, of the Fakes finding him to “have a little chat with him” Gavin had warned him about when he told him, but more than worth it.)

Everything.

This ache in his chest at being so close and so far after all these years of wondering. Maybe there is something to the soulmates thing science can’t explain because it feels like Jeremy’s taking his first full breath in far too long.

The world feels a little more real, brighter when he opens his eyes to look at Gavin.

Something.

Gavin laughs again and they untangle themselves, sit down at the table Gavin’s gotten for them and stare at one another like idiots for a moment.

It’s a beautiful day, sunny and bright and the people of Los Santos are making the most of it. Pedestrians out for a walk for the hell of it or out and about on errands or other business talking on their cell phones or enjoying the break in weather from the spate of rain they’ve had the last week.

Dogs barking, birds singing. People laughing.

All of it paints a different picture of the city than Jeremy’s used to seeing and for a moment he can almost pretend it’s any other city.

Almost.

“Uh,” Jeremy says, because pretty as things are right now, Los Santos is certainly not any other city. “Did you know - “

Gavin rolls his eyes, mouth quirking as he leans towards Jeremy. Drops his voice to a conspiratorial whisper.

“Ignore them,” he says, gleam of amusement in his eye. “It’ll drive them mental.”

Jeremy raises his eyebrows at that because Gavin knows his crew best, of course, but still.

There’s a car idling at the curb just beyond the patio they’re seated at.

Shiny chrome number and the guy with the wolf on the back of his jacket Jeremy remembers seeing from the shootout behind the wheel.

Glaring at Jeremy.

Another car is parked across the street opposite him. Sleek black number with bright green accents. Too far to make out more than an outline of the driver, but Jeremy’s sure he’s wearing a skull mask. (He’s seen that car on the news too often not to know its owner.)

Not even two tables away from them are a pair of people in the absolute worst disguises Jeremy’s seen outside of a spy parody movie.

Dark sunglasses, fake mustaches and beards, and holes cut out of the newspaper one of them is reading along with oversize trench coats on a beautiful early summer afternoon in sunny Los Santos.

“...Okay?” Jeremy says, because okay.

And...he gets it, he does.

The Fakes are a close-knit crew and he and Gavin didn’t kick off this whole...soulmates thing between them in the traditional way.

At all.

To be honest, there’s a part of him that’s relieved they’re being this overprotective of Gavin. Watching out for him in an admittedly creepy way.

It’s just.

Weird as hell, too.

“Jeremy,” Gavin says, and gives him this look like he knows, but better to go along with it than fight it at this point, which.

Again, yeah, okay.

He can handle dealing with Gavin’s crew if it means he gets to have this...chance with Gavin. (Besides, he hasn’t even met Trevor or Matt, and God knows they’re going to be as terrible in their own ways, idiots that they are.)

They chat for a bit as they look over the menu, knot of worry and doubt in Jeremy’s chest unraveling as Gavin laughs at Jeremy’s stupid jokes. Smiles at the truly awful ones like he can’t help himself even though they both know how terrible they are.

Jeremy doing the same as Gavin tells him about his recent exploits with the Fakes, little adventures he got up to on his own when he managed to slip away from his minders. (Paranoid after the incident where some inconsiderate bloke carjacked Gavin.)

“Are you ready to order?”

Jeremy freezes.

Looks over to see a man dressed like one of the cafe’s waiters standing next to their table. Impressive mustache and tattoos he can see peeking over the collar of his shirt. More on his hands holding a notepad and pencil and this glint in his eye as he ignores Gavin to stare Jeremy down.

He’s seen the Kingpin on the news. Heard all kinds of wild stories about him, the things he did with the Roosters before coming to Los Santos to start his own crew.

Ruthless.

Merciless.

Only man in all of Los Santos who could get the Vagabond to join a crew and all the other rumors out there making him to be this terrifying figure in his own right, and for good reason.

And now he’s in a waiter’s uniform waiting to take their lunch order and Jeremy has no idea how to proceed, because his brain is having difficulty processing the situation.

Jesus.

He feels a sharp pain on his shin and snaps out of his daze or whatever the hell he’s fallen into to look at Gavin.

Gavin, who just kicked him under the table and is now giving him this look. All remember what I told you, and follow my lead and God’s sakes, Jeremy, don’t let them get to you, they can smell fear.

A lot to convey with a single look, but somehow Gavin pulls it off

“Actually,” Gavin says, looking back at his menu. “I was wondering if there’s any shellfish in the shellfish cioppino? I’m allergic, and it would absolutely ruin my day if I had even the smallest bite.”

That’s a blatant lie. They were just talking about Gavin’s love for shellfish after they got onto the topic of the east coast and Jeremy’s hometown of Boston in particular, but alright.

Jeremy stares at Gavin who lifts his eyes from his menu to wink at Jeremy before gifting their waiter with an arch look.

The Kingpin glares at him.

Takes a deep breath and in a voice that says he’s going to have words with Gavin later, and says, ”Yes, sir. Unfortunately there is shellfish in the shellfish cioppino as the name implies. Perhaps something else on the menu appeals to you?”

“Oh,” Gavin says, crestfallen that his first choice might kill him if he was in fact allergic as he’s claiming to be. “That’s a shame. What about the steamed mussels?”

It goes on like that for a while as Gavin asks about every dish on the menu where shellfish is a key ingredient and several where no seafood is involved at all.

The Kingpin goes from being annoyed to resigned and defeated, staring off into the middle distance as he answers Gavin’s questions.

“Well then,” Gavin says, when he’s done torturing one of the most feared men in Los Santos. “I suppose I’ll have the shellfish cioppino.”

There’s no reaction at first, but when the Kingpin realizes Gavin’s done tormenting him he snaps back to himself. Draws himself up to his full height and scowls down at Gavin as he angrily scribbles down his order to keep up the pretense as their waiter.

Gavin beams at him, hands folded neatly in front of him on the table.

The Kingpin snorts, corner of his mouth twitching before he turns his attention on Jeremy.

“And what would you like to order?”

He’s not glaring at Jeremy now, but it’s close enough to count.

“Hmm,” Jeremy says, mimicking the posh accent Gavin had slipped into. “Are there any mushrooms in your smoked mushroom ravioli? I have this allergy to them.”

No doubt he’ll regret it in the long run, but when he hears Gavin laugh figures it’s another one of those things he can deal with just for that.

========

They go for a walk along the beach after lunch, a nice leisurely stroll.

Sure, they’re being watched by members of Gavin’s crew, but Jeremy barely notices it anymore with Gavin laughing next to him.

“Oh, God, did you see his face?” Gavin’s giggling, all lit up with it, and Jeremy’s heart does that little flippy thing it started doing halfway through lunch with Gavin laughing and smiling and happy. “Geoff will make me pay for it, but his face.”

Gavin won’t be the only one paying for what they did, but that’s a future worry.

Right now it’s the two of them enjoying a nice day and being the horrible little bastards they are.

Amazing.

Their shoulders bump every so often, shifting sand under their feet and wandering along aimlessly as people are wont to do like this. Their hands do too, and after a while it gets to be a problem, so Jeremy has no choice but to tangle his fingers with Gavin to put an end to that.

Heart in his throat as he reaches for his hand, and that flippy sensation in his chest when Gavin slides a look at him, crooked grin on his face as he slides his fingers through Jeremy’s.

========

All good things end, or something like that, and Jeremy and Gavin find their way back up to the street next to the beach.

Gavin leads them to a pretty little thing parked next to the curb. Matte black and low-slung. Looks like it could go from zero to sixty in no time flat and Jeremy would love to see that happen one day.

He laughs when he notices Jeremy admiring it, hint of a blush on his cheeks as he gives it a fond pat on the hood.

“It was in the shop at the time,” he says, and shrugs, a story behind it he’s not telling Jeremy just yet. “That’s why I was driving my Blista.”

Jeremy raises an eyebrow because those stories Gavin told him earlier and his far from spotless driving record. Gavin coughs, gaze sliding away.

They lean against Gavin’s car and watch the waves roll in below them, sun starting to sink towards the horizon. They’ve shed their escort in Gavin’s crew, one by one until it’s just the two of them now.

Jeremy passing a test he wasn’t aware of or them getting bored enough to go off to wreak havoc in another part of the city, who the hell knows.

“We should do this again sometime,” Gavin says, light and casual, like he’s not holding on to Jeremy’s hand as though it’s a lifeline. “I had fun.”

Jeremy could do that. He could. Spend hours with Gavin without keeping an eye on the time.

“Me too,” Jeremy says, and squeezes Gavin’s hand. “I’d like that.”

Gavin ducks his head, and Jeremy laughs because.

Yeah.

The whole soulmate thing isn’t a guarantee you’ll fall in love the moment you meet yours, or that you’ll even like them, but goddamn is it nice when you do. (Amazing.)

After a moment Gavin looks up at him, expression on his face like he’s thinking hard on something, and then he breaths out this sigh. Annoyed at himself for something as he straightens.

“Jeremy,” he says, and he sounds determined. Focused. About to take a risk and intent on following through. “I think I’d like to kiss you.”

Jeremy bites back a laugh because it’s so formal of him. Right and proper and all that. Very British sounding.

“Yeah?” he asks, grinning at the annoyed huff from Gavin. “I think I’d like it if you did.”

Gavin’s eyes narrow because he knows Jeremy’s laughing at him, and try as he might he can’t hide his own amusement at their ridiculousness.

“Jeremy,” Gavin says, because this is no joking matter.

Jeremy tries to wipe the grin off his face, he does, but he can’t with the way Gavin’s looking at him and the way his heart is doing that flippy thing again.

Good thing, then, that Gavin does it for him when he leans in for that kiss of his.

========

Jeremy’s life isn’t all kittens and sunshine now, no.

Matt still has those debts of his that Jeremy and Trevor are helping him with because God knows he’s an idiot and things are getting better on that front.

Los Santos is still the same shithole it’s always been.

He’s still at the top of the Fake AH Crew’s most wanted list, albeit for a very different reason now.

But.

Jeremy’s found his soulmate and while the two of them have to deal with a few more hurdles in their path than most people do, they manage just fine for themselves.

“Gavin - “

Gavin laughs, pecks Jeremy on the cheek to shush him as the lights go down in the movie theater around them.

“Ignore them,” he he whispers, like Ryan and Michael aren’t a few rows behind them making sure Jeremy doesn’t kidnap Gavin (intentionally) under cover of darkness. “They’re just being ridiculous.”

“I - “Jeremy sighs, because Gavin’s got a point. “Okay.”

The Fakes like to show up on their dates from time to time, scowl and glare at Jeremy because they’re just “like that” according to Gavin, but they disappear after a while to let them have time to themselves.

More of a running gag by now than actual threat, even if Ryan still wears the mask half the time.

It’s weird as hell and definitely not the way Jeremy imagined what finding his soulmate would be like back when he used to think about it, but it works for them and that’s the only thing that matters.

#jerevin #ragehappy #fahc au #soulmates au #ahwuum #Prompt Fills #Kings of Nowhere #vagrant fic #thank you so much for supporting me friend!!!#<333333333333!#(...this is kind of what you asked for???#also it got out of hand on me #so there's that???#:D???)

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musashi · 5 years

Note

what happened with musajirou? i'm on their blog and they're making it out to look like they're a victim of bullying. which is super manipulative if they in fact bullied you and your friends? just to be clear, i 100% believe your retelling, and you dont have to respond to this if it's a situation u would rather keep private. it doesnt involve me personally, except that i will block them if they were shitty. just super unclear what happened bc their retelling is just " TR fandom is toxic bullies"

KSDL;FSDJF;GKLFSD omg

a few years back, me and some friends made some PSAs about the general problems the pokemon fandom has with reposting art. most japanese artists who use mediums like pixiv and twitter to share their art are not okay with their art being reposted without permission, and the pokemon fandom in particular is REALLY bad at respecting this.

we talked primarily about rocketfandom because that’s where we’re most active, and some members of rocketfandom took this VERY personally. i don’t know if they’re just thirsty for notes or what, but a lot of people just COULD NOT HANDLE the idea of being told to not repost art. and it wasn’t like we mentioned anyone by name! it’s such a wide-spread problem, and so many people circulate that art without knowing, it can’t be blamed on any group of people. i reblogged SOOOO much reposted art when i first joined tumblr, hell i reposted a lot of it myself.

james-team-rocket, musajirou, & buchichiu were the most vocal about their disdain for this idea that artists were to be respected. the latter two used the classic, ‘well I’M an artist and i’m fine with it!!!!!’ defense. so i blocked them, because i block people who annoy me. we have not interacted since then.

prior to this, most of them were a source of annoyance to me and a lot of my friends, anyways. jez (james-team-rocket) would reblog queer headcanons attempting to “disprove” them with canon evidence. musajirou would reblog innocent posts from me and my friends and just leave ridiculously negative garbage on them all the time. after we all just rolled our eyes and blocked them, they started vaguing about us on private apps thinking word wouldn’t get to us. a number of them, most notably musajirou, badmouthed my friend jessica pretty bad, even though she’s really never done much beside get on to make goofy jokes every once in a blue moon.

jez has a habit of making personal posts where she rallies her followers to bother me in order to circumvent blocks. at one point she smeared another rocketblogger i was friends with, claiming that this blogger called jez out directly even though it was ME who was doing the calling out. jez purposefully screencapped my her blog in such a way that it looked like this other blogger was at fault when it was ME!!! naming names and picking fights. why? because i’m untouchable. i block everyone, i stand up for what i believe in, i scare people. consistently, these members of the fandom tend to only go after folks they view as easy to cut down and bully. that blogger jez framed ended up nearly run off the site for things that had nothing to do with her. the lot of them then tried to appeal to said blogger’s senses by sending her asks in the vein of we know it wasnt you, honey, it was that evil bitch musashi.

we were also able to connect musajirou’s IP to a number of troll accounts. these accounts were meant to directly smear the kind of rocketbloggers me and my friends were--they were incredibly hyperbolic accounts that loudly sang jessie’s praises while consantly bashing james. this was in response to me and my friends calling out the misogyny in the rocketfandom, how the woman in the ship was often villified while the man was treated like a Soft Baby Boy Who Could Do No Wrong. when they weren’t this, they were loudly queershipping, reblogging rocketshipping posts to derail about how ‘lol they’re gay sorry!!!!!’ in an attempt to make fans who interpreted the rockets as not cishet look like ~crazy faggots lol!~

eventually, these accounts devolved into outright homophobia. unsurprising, lmao.

and again i’d like to reiterate, i blocked all these users LONG before all of this. their temper tantrums have and always will be responses to things i say on my own blog far away from them. it’s wild how the people in rocketfandom wildly recognized as toxic & ones to avoid are the ones calling people who don’t engage with them bullies. almost makes me wonder if maybe they’re the problem! xD

yeah i name names and yeah i don’t forget. nasty fuckers get remembered! you can call me a bully all you want, if it shuts your ass up and keeps you away from this website then good, it’s a much healthier place without your negativity and my dash has been a much brighter, dare i say MUCH GAYER place since i blocked y’all in 2017. stay mad!

EDIT: forgot to mention jez also sent her friends after me lol... here’s one of the better messages i got from one of them:

heterophobia is real because some lesbian on the internet wants you to not repost art

#musajirou #james-team-rocket #rocketshipping #rocket cluster #Anonymous #wendy answers

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artandteaandstuff-blog · 7 years

Text

Kings and Queens - Part 22

Summary: Emma Swan is struggling as an actress. All seems lost until she manages to swing a spot on Kings and Queens, the most popular Medieval TV Show of all time. But here’s the catch: Emma hates being in love, and acting it is proving more tricky than she first thought. Her whole world is about to change, especially working alongside her new and mysterious co-star Killian Jones. It’s been so long since Emma has opened her heart to anyone. Could she start now?

Rating: T. But there is a chapter later in the fan fiction which blurs the lines a little. Apart from that, no other warnings

Can also be found here, on FF.net.

Author’s notes:

STILL THANK YOU @electrictoes and @holdmecloseandfast.

Check out the amazing art @lucythemarauder created for this, right HERE. It is brilliant, go check it out!

@katie-dub made this gorgeous edit for my story, which you can see HERE. It’s so brilliant, check it out!

Emma has barely woken up when Henry is shoving the phone at her, mouthing ‘David’. Emma groans. She needs another three coffees and a shower before she can speak to anyone and form coherent sentences. At the very least, she needs some time to wake up. The late nights are really messing up her sleeping patterns again.

“What do you want?”

“You’re very hostile today,” David muses, amusement in his voice. He sounds too chirpy for so early in the morning.

“What do you want?” she repeats.

She pads into the kitchen. There’s a coffee waiting for her on the kitchen table, steaming and inviting. She smiles when she sees it. Thanks Henry, she thinks.

“You have an interview tonight.”

“Tonight? Bit short notice, David.” She picks up the mug and takes a sip. It’s perfect, exactly how she likes it.

“I know, I forgot. I’m sorry.” He’s grinning, she can tell. “But a car will be here to pick you up at seven. Be ready on time.”

“Yeah, I won’t forget.” She rolls her eyes. “What show is it?”

“The Teddy Norman show.”

“Teddy Norman?”

He owns one of the biggest shows in America. He’s Irish and a huge hit with all sorts of celebrities from actors to writers to musicians. She can’t think of a celebrity who hasn’t been on there. That’s how she knows she’s made it.

“Teddy Norman,” confirms David. “He asked for you. You and Killian, that is.”

“So it’s just… me and Killian?” She bites her lip.

“Yup. Anyway, I’ve got to go. Mary Margaret wants me to make breakfast since she can no longer bend down to get the plates from the cupboards.”

“Sure, I’ll talk to you later.”

“See ya, Emma. You’ll be amazing tonight.”

The line disconnects and Emma’s left holding the phone in a daze.

“The Teddy Norman show,” she says to herself as she places the phone on the hook. “Right. Okay then.”

Later on she stands backstage with Killian, bouncing in her heels, a little nervously. She’s not as scared as she would have been a few months ago, not after FWC, but this is still a big thing. The Teddy Norman show. Who’d have thought, huh? If the kids at the foster home could see her now.

“You’re beautiful,” comments Killian as he watches her. He’s wearing a suit and tie.

“Why do you always say that?”

“I say it because it’s true.” And then: “Nervous?”

“A little bit.”

“You’ll be fine.”

She looks up at him. “I know.”

They can hear Teddy warming the crowd up on stage, who seem excitable anyway, cheering and oooing and ahhing. “As you should know, this is a Kings and Queens special.”

“Ooooo,” say the crowd.

“Ooooo,” he repeats. “I know, right. I haven’t had Killian Jones on the show since the first series.”

Teddy Norman is a small man with a round face and a cheeky smile. He started off as a standup comedian and as his career went on, he did some acting. Now he has this show, the best chat show around. Over fifty, he has a beard and silver hair, but he still has that same charm that made everyone fall in love with him all those years ago.

Someone backstage with a headset tells them they’re on in five seconds.

Sure enough, Teddy calls, “You know him as Alexander, it's the suave, the cool Killian Jones everybody!”

Killian gives Emma a wink, an arm rub and disappears, running onto stage.

“Now it's the very beautiful, very talented Emma Swan!”

Emma follows Killian, in front of the crowd of cheering people. The crowd doesn't even faze her now. She's used to it. She gives them a wave as she makes her way over to Teddy (who kisses her on both cheeks) and sits down next to Killian. Two drinks are waiting on the table in front of them.

Teddy sinks into his chair. “Hello, hello.” He says as he slaps his knees. “Killian Jones, Emma Swan welcome. It's good to have you here.”

“It's good to be here,” says Killian, as smooth as ever. He immediately goes for his rum and takes a sip. Emma leaves her wine sat there for the time being. She doesn’t want to get too drunk too quickly.

Teddy begins by gushing about their show. He tells them how he watches it every week without fail and goes to every premiere. He loves all the characters, and he was so excited when Emma was introduced. Rose is an amazing character, he says.

They tease what’s going to happen next. They mention about next week where there’s going to be a ball. If people have seen the promo, they’ve seen Emma’s big red dress. Teddy shows them another trailer.

“It was the worst thing ever,” Emma tells him when he asks about the dress. “I hated it. It was too heavy.”

“But it is gorgeous,” says Teddy.

“Aye,” Killian agrees.

They talk about other cast members, and about what they’re like on set. By the time half Emma’s drink is gone, she’s starting to relax a little. Though she still feels starstruck because it’s Teddy Norman.

“Okay, so I might have done something…” he says, making a “whoops” face. “And that something might include fans.”

“Fans huh,” says Emma. She raises her eyebrows. Her and Killian exchange glances. Even though Teddy mentioned “fans”, Emma feels completely at ease.

“So I put a tweet out earlier in the week that I was having you two on the show, and I asked if they could send in questions for us. And I, uh…” He paused. “I may have said they could ask whatever they wanted, no limits. I may have said that.”

“Bloody hell,” says Killian, shaking his head, but there’s a smile on his face.

“But I think you’re going to like what I picked. I picked some good ones.”

“Go on then.”

“Okay so KillianLuver5eva has asked a good question here. Funniest moment on set?”

“Oh!” Emma snorts, “I have one.”

“Do share.”

“So Robin and Will-”

“- They play Lucas and Edward on the show, don't they?”

“Yeah, they do. And they always play pranks on Killian. Always. And this one time they nicked his pants while he was getting changed and ran out onto set with them.” Emma can't stop the giggles that escape her. “And he had to run out onto set without any pants.”

“For those who don't know, American pants are trousers.” He turns to them. “I have a lot of British viewers.”

“It was funny. Elsa, who plays Elizabeth on the show, took a picture and posted it to her Instagram.”

“We actually have the photo here. Do we? We do!” The photo flashes up on the screen, showing a slightly blurred Killian in his underwear.

“I like the polkadots,” Teddy comments. “Really I do.”

“Likewise,” says Killian. His smile is easy.

“We have another one here. From KingsAndCuties. She says, Can you imagine if Teddy asked them if they know what Captain Swan is. I think I'd die. Pretty sure I'd die.” Teddy looks right down the camera. ”Well, KingsAndCuties, RIP you.” He turns to them. “So do you know what Captain Swan is?”

“No idea,” says Emma, frowning. She’s not sure how she feels about Teddy’s excited expression, or the way Killian is scratching the back of his head and sporting a nervous smile.

“Killian?”

“Aye, I know what it is,” he admits.

“What is it?” asks Emma. She takes a sip of her wine.

“Go on, tell us,” says Teddy. “What is it?”

“It is…” He clears his throat with a low cough. “The Captain part of Captain Killian Jones - I have no idea how they know about that - and the Swan from… Emma Swan. Captain… Swan.” He throws a shrug in Emma’s direction.

“Because the fans want you together, don’t they?”

“It would seem so.”

“What do you mean they want us together?” Emma doesn’t mean to make her voice sound so defensive.

“Oh no, they don’t want you together,” says Teddy. “They believe you are together.”

Killain chokes on his rum. “Excuse me?”

“I take it by that tone you’re not?”

“Definitely not,” says Emma. She flushes.

There’s a smile on Teddy’s face. “Interesting of you to say that… Because we did a little search before the show and we found a website dedicated to proof that you two are actually an item.”

“You’re joking,” says Killian, grinning. He throws a smile over to Emma, who just gives him a look. She has to press her lips together to stop a smile.

She should be angry about this, or frustrated in the very least but she’s not. If anything she’s interested to hear what they’ve come up with. A website dedicated to proof that they’re together. She hasn’t heard anything so ridiculous in her whole life. What ‘proof’ could they possibly have?

“This ought to be good,” she says, sitting back on the sofa, folding her arms.

Teddy waves his hand and the website pops up on the screen. It’s a cream colour, with an exaggerated script font spelling out ‘Captain Swan’ in pink letters. There’s an image taken from the show where they’re gazing into each other’s eyes.

Underneath there’s a subheading:

WHY CAPTAIN SWAN IS REAL.

Killian and Emma exchange glances.

“Bloody hell,” he says under his breath.

“Now obviously I’m not going to read all the reasons,” says Teddy as he scrolls through. “There’s a lot of reasons here. Someone must have a lot of free time.”

“Too much free time,” says Emma between sips of her wine. She has the feeling she’s going to need a lot more alcohol for this.

Killian is leaning forward on the sofa, eyes fixed on the screen as Teddy scrolls.

“Some of these are very same-y same-y and I don’t think they count as actual reasons.“ He pauses to throw a look down the camera. “For example there’s one that says, ‘There’s so much tension on the show, they have to be a couple’. I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but that’s not a reason. That’s just called good acting.”

Emma snorts into her drink. The alcohol is beginning to go into her head now.

“But there are some others-” He’s smiling now, getting to the good parts. “Which I think might be plausible…” His voice raises a notch in pitch as he speaks.

“Go on then, mate. What have you got for us?” says Killian. “Bring it.”

“So according to this, you were spotted holding hands.”

“I don’t think so,” says Emma. “That’s a lie. Made up things aren’t reasons.”

“Ohohoh,” laughs Teddy. “There’s a picture.”

“No…” says Killian in awe. He’s leaning forward even more in his chair.

Teddy scrolls down a little to reveal a zoomed in picture of them actually holding hands. She recognises his rings. There’s another photo under it which shows the actual picture. It was taken when they were getting out the car at the con, and Killian offered her his hand.

“Nonsense!” shouts Killian. He’s grinning. “Slander! I was being a gentleman and helping her out the car.”

“A gentleman, huh?” asks Teddy.

“I’m always a gentleman.”

“Okay, fair enough, but how do you explain this -” He scrolls down again and up comes a picture of them in that dance before FWC.

How did they get that? Emma thinks. They get anything. Can’t she have any amount of privacy in her private life?

“Aren’t we allowed to dance?” asks Emma. She’s deliberately not looking at Killian, though his eyes are on her.

“Slow dance.” Teddy gives her a ‘I don’t believe you’ look. “And then you’ve both been spotted on the way to each other’s houses.”

“What can I say?” says Killian. “We’re good friends.”

“Emma even left your house in the early hours of the morning in the same clothes as before. It does seem a little bit odd…”

Killian raises his eyebrows. “Surely if we were together, she would have brought a change of clothes?”

“Perhaps, perhaps.”

“I have a message for the Captain Swan fans,” Killian says. Emma throws him a warning look. Teddy, however, looks amused. Then Killian looks right down one of the camera, eyes dark, his lips pressed together in a tight line. “I don’t hold Emma’s hand. The only reason she’s been at my house is for rehearsal. I’ll admit, myself and Emma Swan are good friends, we always have been. I can promise you wholeheartedly and honestly that we are not together…” His eyes twinkle in amusement. “Yet.”

Now it’s Emma’s turn to choke on her drink. “Excuse me?”

Killian gives a shrug and sips his drink, trying to stop a smile.

“You heard it here first,” says Teddy into the camera. “Just to clarify, you’re not together?”

“No!” Emma all but shouts.

“Okay well I believe you,” Teddy nods. “So onto other things. I want to talk about the size of your house, Killian.”

He raises his eyebrows. “Most people do.”

“I have some pictures here, actually.”

Teddy waves his hands and a picture of the outside of his house pops up on the screen. Even the screen doesn’t do how big it is justice, which she comments outloud.

Teddy flips through different rooms in his house, starting with the living room and then going onto the kitchen and other rooms. He even has a picture of Killian’s drinks cabinet, stocked with (mostly) rum. He goes through all the hallways, and comments on how clean it is.

“I know, right?” Emma mumbles.

Teddy points to the screen. “So this is the biggest bathroom?”

“No, it’s not the biggest.”

“Of course not. It only has -what- two baths and seven mirrors.”

“You should see the size of his bedroom,” says Emma, projecting her thoughts out loud.

“You’ve seen his bedroom? Kinda looks like you are dating,” laughs Teddy. The pitch of his voice raises a little when he says, “Awkward!”

“Emma fell asleep while rehearsing,” Killian explains, as smooth as ever. “I thought she could use a comfortable bed to sleep in.”

“And you happened to put her in yours, not the other seven?”

“Aye. Well, mine is the best, naturally.”

“And you slept…?”

“In one of the other bedrooms,” Emma is quick to clarify. “Y’know, since he has so many. At least he didn’t have to sleep on the sofa.”

“At least!” Teddy chortles.

Towards the end of the show they listen to live music by some band trying to promote themselves. They sit through a little interview with the band, who also comment that they love the show and they truly believed that Emma and Killian are dating. No-one seems to mention her kisses with Graham and she’s glad about that.

At the end of the show, Teddy thanks them for being there.

“It was a pleasure,” says Killian, shaking his hand.

And then they’re on their way, in a car and off out the studio. The more distance is put between them and that interview, the more Emma can breathe easily.

Later, Killian and Emma find a bar somewhere near the studio. She isn’t quite ready to leave his company yet, and Killian seems the same. He’s the one who suggested going for a drink (even though they’ve drunk plenty already), and he seemed surprised when Emma agreed.

“You were right,” she tells him, a little shyly, when he expresses his shock. “We are friends. Can’t I go for a drink with my friend?”

That made him smile. “Aye, love. I’m all yours.”

Now they sit in a dark booth at the back of the bar, hoping not to be spotted. Emma has taken Regina’s advice and found somewhere expensive and discreet. There aren’t loads of people in, but enough to hide them, and the lighting is dark. The only people who must know who they are are the bar staff, who keep replacing their drinks when they run out.

That must be why they’ve gotten onto such a dark subject, the endless supply of alcohol.

“I have… struggled with things in my past.” He scratches the back of his ear, a little awkwardly, eyes cast downwards. “Even now, I still struggle. Sometimes it's hard to find a balance. My brother, he's always helped keep me on my path.”

“Your brother, huh?” She downs half her drink in one.

“Liam. Why the tone? I know you've met him.”

She shrugs it off. She doesn't really want to talk down about his brother, not when Killian holds him in such high esteem. “Yeah, I have.”

“C'mon, Swan. What is it?”

“Nothing.”

“Emma...”

“I just don't think he likes me very much.” She admits, finishing the other half of her drink. As soon as she places her empty glass on the table, it's replaced with another one.

“Nonsense. How couldn't he?”

“He saw an article about my past. And he… saw the pictures of me and Graham in the papers. And I guess he just…” She shrugs.

He's quiet for a moment. Then, softly: “That has nothing to do with him. Who you spend your time with is none of his business.”

Maybe it's the alcohol, but it takes a while for his words to sink in. When they do, they have a completely different meaning. “Killian, I'm not with Graham.”

“Perhaps not, love but that's none of my business either.” A jaw clench. A sip of his drink.

“He's just a friend.”

“And what am I?”

Emma meets the intensity of his gaze. For a moment, they just stare into each other's faces.

Finally, she says, “I don't know.” It's the truth.

“Graham is a better man than me.” His knuckles are white, wrapped around the glass. “I've made so many mistakes. Hurt so many people.”

“Killian…”

“Graham is worthy of you.”

“Killian, I don't want Graham.”

A crease appears between his eyebrows. “I saw you.”

“What?”

“You kissed him.”

“I thought you knew?”

“I did. The first time. But you kissed him again.”

He must have followed her home. Did he leave the blonde?

Emma takes a long sip of her drink as she thinks how to phrase her words. How does she get across that she is telling the truth? That she doesn’t want Graham. “Do you know why I kissed him?” she asks, keeping her eyes trained on his.

A shrug, a small smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “Alas, I do not.”

It takes courage to say the next words. She knows as soon as they’re out, it will be a confession, something she’s kept too close to her heart all this time, something she’s only just beginning to realise. “I kissed him because you went out on another date with… that girl.”

“Tink?”

Tink. So precious. She nods.

“You were jealous,” he says. It’s not a question.

“I wasn’t, I just… I...”

He doesn’t look at her as he says, “I was jealous too.”

“You were?”

“I told you I was. It was maddening.”

She bites her lip, looking down into her drink, sparkling in the light. “Why?”

“Graham’s kissed you, Emma. He’s kissed you.” His hands tighten on the glass again as he brings it up to his lips and drinks deeply.

“You’ve kissed me.”

“That may be but it’s not the same, is it?” His eyes flicker up to hers, quick and embarrassed. “I’ve kissed you in a room full of people, all watching, waiting. I can’t even enjoy it because I’m too busy thinking about which way to tilt my head, or exactly where my hands should be. Do I place them on your neck because it makes you tremble or because it looks good?”

She doesn’t know what to say to that. She’s shocked. It’s almost like a confession. All of this is a confession. Dangerous ground. A minefield. She should tell him she’s going, that she has to get back for Henry even if it is a lie, but before she has chance, Killian is speaking again.

“And then there’s Graham. Bloody perfect Graham who just did it. Who just went for it and now has the pleasure of kissing you without a thousand eyes watching him do so. He can hold you just to hold you.”

“I-”

“I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, he’s a better man than me, Swan.” Killian shakes his head. “A cleverer man than me. If I had any sense at all, I would have done what he did a long time ago.”

She swallows.

“Why didn’t you?”

When he meets her eyes, his hold a twinge of sadness. “I’m long past taking things that clearly aren’t mine.”

“Milah,” she says before she can stop herself. It must be the drink. “No, sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

She can see the emotions pass over his face: fear, pain, loss, and it makes her want to reach out, to touch his hand. She knows what Graham told her, but Killian can’t be the only one to blame. Not with something like this.

“Yes,” he says softly. “Milah.”

“She was Gold’s wife,” she says. It’s not an accusing tone. She’s not blaming him, she’s just stating a fact.

“So you’ve heard the stories then?”

“I’ve heard one side.” She pauses, tension in the air. And then: “What happened?”

“I’m going to need another drink for this,” he says softly, signaling the bar staff. They top them up with fresh drinks. Emma takes a generous gulp.

“What happened?” she repeats.

“I fell in love with her. Plain and simple.” He’s looking away from her, down at his drink like he’s ashamed. She can’t help it, she reaches out and places a hand over his. “I met her in a bar one night. She was drinking alone. A man was giving her unwanted attention, and so I fixed it for her.” A ghost of a smile at the memory. “She told me right then and there she was married, and I respected her wishes. But the next time I met her, I…” He shakes his head.

“You?” she prompts softly. Her hand is still over his.

“It was clear she was unhappy in her marriage. She was a great deal younger than him, but her parents pushed it. He was a friend of theirs. I suppose I just…“ He scratches the back of his head. “The affair lasted months, almost a year, and for a time I almost thought we’d gotten away with it. There were a few close calls but we always knew how to cover our tracks. Until...”

He’s silent for a moment but she doesn’t want to say anything and wreck his train of thought. She’s hanging on his every word, watching every twinge of pain that crosses his face.

“He caught us. He was supposed to be away on work, a part in some British Drama, but his flight was cancelled and-” He swallows. “I was in his kitchen, and she was upstairs. He knew as soon as he walked in. I was fully clothed, I could have made up some bloody elaborate story, but he knew. He could tell by the guilt written all over my face.”

She squeezes his hand gently. There’s nothing but pain and shame in his expression, and she feels a sudden need to comfort him. “I don’t think you’re a bad person, Killian.”

“You haven’t heard the worst of it.” He laughs, but it’s humourless. “She came straight to me before he had a chance to throw her out. For weeks we didn’t see him. We thought we never would.” His face darkens. His jaw clenches. “But he turned up with a gun. It all happened so fast. He was after me but she was the one who died.”

Emma’s free hand flies up to cover her mouth. Of all the things she imagined, she couldn’t have imagined this. She would never have imagined this. Her eyes fill with tears. “Oh, Killian…” She blinks them away.

“It’s okay,” he says, tense. “It was a long time ago. It went to court, but he managed to evade prison. He’s slippery that way.”

“How can you still work with him?”

“Truth be told, I didn’t know he auditioned for the show, let alone he was one of the producers. I badly needed the money. I was already facing eviction from my home. My family had loaned me all the money they could. I-” He takes in a breath. “- had a borderline drug addiction. I needed this role to survive. I’d always prided myself on my survival skills. So we buried the hatchet. We both had blame. The only thing is…”

“What?”

“I didn’t exactly bury the hatchet. I did everything I could to get him off the show. I thought if I took the role, I could destroy him. Exterminate him like the bloody... crocodile he is. So I sorted myself out, spent time in rehab during the filming hiatuses, and got myself back on track. I needed a clear head to get rid of him. I wanted him dead.”

“But he’s still on the show,” she says.

“I know. Every plan I had was foiled.” Another one of those ghost smiles crosses his face. “Though last autumn, I had a plan I knew would work. I was going to frame him. I’m good at things like that. I have connections. I won’t tell you the specifics - I don’t want you to think even worse of me - but it was foolproof. It was all going according to plan until…” He drops his eyes to the table.

She squeezes his hand again, brushing her thumb over his. “Until…?”

His eyes return to hers. “Until I met you.”

“Me?”

“You make me want to be a better man for you.”

Her face is slowly turning white. She doesn’t know how to process this, any of this. She can’t blame Killian, she just can’t, but that doesn’t mean she knows how to feel. She starts to move her hand away, but he holds onto it and flips them over so his hand is on top. He intertwines their fingers.

“Milah was my first love. My only love,” he says to their hands. “I never truly believed I would be able to … care for anyone else, not like that. And yet, here I am.”

“Here you are,” she says, barely audible.

“I’ve never told anyone that. About Milah. Liam knows, but he’s the only one.”

“And you trust me not to tell anyone.”

He smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Hopefully you won’t share such things during your intimacies with Graham.”

“Killian, I’ve told you before. I’m not with Graham. I never was. He kissed me and I kissed him back just to see, on a whim. But I…” She shakes her head. “He’s just a friend. A good friend.”

“I’d hoped so. After all, you don’t have a good ship name.” This time when he smiles, it’s more genuine. “Not like Captain Swan.”

Despite everything, she giggles. “I can’t believe they think we’re together.”

He raises his eyebrows. “Really?”

“What a completely stupid, ridiculous-”

He stops her words with a kiss. It comes out of nowhere, a complete surprise. A good surprise. But his lips hardly touch hers, before he’s pulling back, cheeks flushed and embarrassed, “I’m sorry, Emma, I shouldn’t have-”

She’s kissing him again before she can stop herself. Both his hands move up to her face, over her hair, as he slides closer, mouth soft and insistent on hers. It’s hot in the bar and dark in the booth and he’s kissing her and it’s better than all the times she’s imagined it. It’s better than the filming because it’s real, and it’s better than Graham because it’s what she wants.

“Neal,” she says when they break away. Her nose is still bumping against hers.

“Uh… It’s Killian, love.”

A breathless laugh. “No.” She moves back to look up into his face; into his eyes suddenly sparkling with a new light. “That’s my baggage. Neal. If we’re talking about baggage.

“Who’s Neal?” He asks softly, head tilting to the side.

“Henry’s father,” she says.” Killian raises his eyebrows, but doesn’t speak, urging her to continue. “He stole a couple of watches worth ten thousand dollars. We were going to take the watches and move away, start a new life. But he took off with the watches himself, and let me take the fall.”

“Bloody bastard.”

“And then there’s Walsh.” She takes a deep breath. She doesn’t know exactly why she’s being so open with him, but it could have something to do with the drink. It must be the drink. “We were engaged and he, uh, left me. At the last minute. Days before the date.”

Killian gently strokes her hair. “Why?”

“I don’t know.” She bites her lip, brows furrowing. There is still a twinge of pain when she thinks about him, no matter how thick she makes her skin. She finally opened her heart to him, finally agreed to marry him after months of asking, and then he left her. “I guess he didn’t want me anymore.”

“If I were that lucky, I would never let you go.”

She looks up into his face. He’s telling the truth. “I know,” is all she can say.

After one smouldering look which turns her insides to jelly, he’s kissing her again, pulling her as close to him as possible. He touches her gently, like he’s trying to memorise her, and it’s not too long before they’re tangled, wrapped up in each other in that little dark booth and it’s insane, it’s like she can see fireworks and she knows she’s too wrapped up in him. But here, cushioned by the blurring lines of alcohol, that’s okay.

For now.

#cs au #cs ff #csbb #cs bigbang

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