#depression. god bless
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Nerdanel for blorbo bingo?
thank u SO MUCH…… my boytoy nerdanel:
bingo here
#im fucking chewing her shes EVERYTHING TO ME.#blowing everything up with my mind right the fuck now.#jirt doesnt give us much details abt the ladies in the silm but what we got about her is enough to make her bounce around my brain giving m#depression. god bless#WAIT I NEED TO GIVE FICREC: golden days by lyra i think from silm writers guild its fucking slaps#i love u nerdanel
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I'm genuinely concerned about what's going to happen to my psyche when everyone moves on from Master of the Air and the fics stop rolling in.
#im either going to become certifiable or fall into a pit of depression#these fics are actually getting me through my days right now#god bless fic writers you are saving lives#masters of the air#mota#mota fanfic#masters of the air fanfiction#Masters of the air fic
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much more context with an episode list below the poll!
more info below by episode (forgive me in advance if i forgot your favorite doctor-evolution episode) (also forgive me for all the mistakes i will immediately see once i hit post but will be unable to fix because we can't edit poll posts):
season one: "i wasn't programmed for any of this!"
"eye of the needle": after kes starts advocating for him, janeway offers him the power to turn himself off, and he asks for a name.
"heroes and demons": he leaves sickbay for the first time and has his first non-medical mission. he's emotionally affected by freya's death at the end.
season two: "before you, i was just a projection of photons held together by forcefields [...] just a profession, not a life."
"projections": he hallucinates an existential crisis about whether he's a human or a hologram.
"twisted": the doctor spends time recreationally with the crew on the holodeck for the first time (though it's not clear if he enjoys it).
"lifesigns": he falls in love with vidiian doctor danara pel. at first he says his program is malfunctioning, but later believes his programming is adapting instead. he also records his first personal log.
season three: "i'm footloose and fancy-free."
"the swarm": his program starts to degrade because he has been expanding it for hobbies like opera and friendships with the crew. he says his program should be rebooted so he can serve his "primary responsibility," but kes and the others convince him that his memories are important to keep. (factoid: we learn his maximum runtime was supposed to be 1500 hours.)
"future's end": mobile emitter time!!! and his first time off the ship.
"darkling": he starts editing his own program (and it doesn't go well).
"real life": he creates a holo-family for himself.
according to the stardate mentioned in "latent image" (see season five), the flashback part of that episode happens at the very end of season three.
season four: "i believe i've earned the respect of the crew as an equal."
"revulsion": we meet our first delta quadrant hologram (and it doesn't go well). this is the first time we hear about holograms being subjugated by "organics."
"message in a bottle": the doctor meets the EMH-2 and reveals that at some point he programmed himself a dick and had sex.
"living witness": we learn that the doctor has a backup module who seems to have the same emotions and self-awareness as the doctor himself (which i take to mean that whatever sentience is now in his program can be duplicated by copying).
season five: "we gave him a soul. do we have any right to take it away now?"
"latent image": we learn the doctor had a holo-breakdown (off-screen in late season 3) after his ethical subroutines could not reconcile his decision to save harry's life over another patient's. at the time, they determined that erasing some of his memories was the only way to repair him. at the end of the episode, after the doctor and seven both argue for his individual rights, janeway decides to let him work through his guilt rather than deleting his memories again. assuming this ultimately works after the episode ends, it means that he was able to overcome a critical programming conflict through introspection and social support instead of altering his programming.
season six: "haven't I earned the right to self-determination?"
"tinker, tenor, doctor, spy": the doctor formally complains that his sentience is not being acknowledged and argues that he should be allowed to grow his abilities beyond his role as doctor. he also wants his potential to be evaluated based on his holographic nature rather than humanoid limits ("my program can be expanded indefinitely. i don't have limits!").
"blink of an eye": he lives for three years on the time dilation planet and even has a son ("it's a long story").
"virtuoso": he tries to leave the ship to become an opera star, choosing his passion (and his ego) over his originally programmed purpose.
side note: "fair haven" and "spirit folk" are both in season six, and that's the first time that anyone (including the doctor) seems to consider the concept that regular holodeck characters might also have some kind of feelings, personhood, or right to continued existence (unlike in season three, when in "alter ego" it's both a joke and a problem that harry falls in love with a hologram, or in "real life" when the doctor is fine with b'elanna reprogramming his family without consulting them).
season seven: "the doctor exhibits many of the traits we associate with a person [...] but are these traits real, or is the doctor merely programmed to simulate them?"
"critical care": the doctor violates the hippocratic oath in his programming by harming a patient to save others, and it does not trigger the ethical subroutine breakdown he experienced in season 5.
"body and soul": delta quadrant holograms are in revolt. the doctor experiences humanoid pleasures and enjoys them.
"flesh and blood": he betrays voyager to save the hirogen-programmed holograms and (temporarily) leaves the ship to join them, "because i'm one of you."
"author, author": a federation arbiter decides that he's not legally a person, but is "no ordinary hologram" and has some limited rights.
#polls#star trek voyager#star trek thoughts#deep dives#at some point i might do a follow-up post about when the rest of them think he becomes sentient#because i suspect that answer will be different and perhaps a little depressing#god bless the real hero of this post chakoteya.net for letting me double check all the transcripts
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"mAx ShOuLd DiE tO pRoVe VeCnA iS a StRoNg ViLlAiN"
actually, max deserves joy and to live her best life and the whole world.so. hope this helps.
#maybe you should consider getting professional help <3#/j#but like#I get your point#but also no I don't#max deserves joy and love and to not feel like a horrible person at the age of 14-15#and to grow up and be happy and get a life separated from bad people from her past such as billy and from her trauma and depression and sel#hatred#she is pookie and will get it#God bless#yelenaposts#random post#max mayfield#stranger things#stranger things 5
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sigzai getting together would not fix each other in the slightest but they would be sickeningly cute about it and thats what matters really
#ramblings#theyre both soooo mentally ill . but theyre so cute together#the paper scissors rock . the dancing . gawd .#anxiety x depression couple god bless
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anyways. i still hold out hope that maybe someday ill be worth more than all the silence left in my way and when you break the surface oh without me please dont return me to the dark of all the memories
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Photo
[ID: a digital drawing of reigen arataka from mob psycho 100. he’s seen sitting on the ground with a blank expression, his legs extended forward. a muted turquoise square serves as the background, and his foot and head slightly extend beyond its format. end ID.]
Man. bottom text.
#vi draws#mp100#I PROMISED! i missed drawing so much man#anyways its so funny he looks so depressed. i didnt mean it i promise#mob psycho 100#mp100 reigen#reigen arataka#arataka reigen#hate tagging art god bless it all
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Depression is always like “no one loves you” “you’re just a nuisance”“lie awake in torment” and “attempt to sleep for 100 years” blah blah blah as if I don’t KNOW that people love me and I’ve got stuff I’ve gotta do. get the heck out of my way.
#ghost posts#depression might not let you feel it but you can at least know it#and then keep on fighting#I’ll be the first to admit I wouldn’t have made it through without God#but yeah! depression is super evil don’t listen to it#and if you find yourself starting to ‚ look for help#depression will get stronger than you if it’s fed#depression is never kind though it may mold words as such#manipulative little dastard that it is#the funny thing is having experienced it my attitude towards mild depression is act softly#while someone in a bigger struggle with it to the point of near total irrationality is drag them out by their legs#which is where I was and what happened with me via a neighbor bless her#anyway life is hard but it is worth living and you are loved#don’t let depression lie to you about that#depression
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i debated whether to post this or not, but fuck it. life is too short not to post every single little self indulgent thing that makes my brain happy
hopefully this won't get flagged, enjoy
#moon knight#marcsteven#steven grant#marc spector#oscar isaac#look this is sfw okay#can we all agree this is sfw?#i haven't posted anything in a long time because honestly i've been struggling#but these two grabbed me and dragged me out of my depression#god bless
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smth thats helped me with taking care of myself while mentally ill is realizing that theres no wrong or right time to take care of urself. like, most ppl shower at morning or night but theres no law against showering at 2pm. for me it’s easier to do self care/hygiene stuff in the afternoon bc thats when i have the most energy. u dont have to use a certain schedule if it’s easier for u to do it at a different time
#depression#adhd#<- those r the two that get in the way the most so#text#fighting invisible demons time: yes i know that work or school can get in the way of this. however i am a college student and this is based#on my experience as a college student as it is about me. god bless#<- sorry. if i dony clarify every single thing i say ppl start being weird in my askbox
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the americans who do euro summer should do euro winter for the authentic european seasonal depression experience
#god bless#seasonal depression#winter#euro summer#euro trip#i actually like it here but americans romanticising Europe will never not be funny to me#i do know that we have a very good and priviledgef life in here tho
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was going to re-download hinge and then didn’t. everyone say woooo ridi wooo good job ridi woooo
#hate that depressing ass app so bad…it may be getting cold out here but today is not the day i go crawling back there god bless 😂😂😂#(ridi's) bigmouth strikes again
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got hospitalised against my will lol love my life love being alive
#i have nothing with me except my phone and my wallet. no charger no headphones no computer cant even do schoolwork. all my clothes at home#are dirty as well and i cannot have my family pick up stuff for me because my flat is such a fucking mess x#anyways. at least im at the ward where i spent most of spring so the staff knows me here. the first one to greet me was my favourite. she#got me some cigarettes because she noticed i didnt have any when they searched my purse bless her soul#just praying to god i get the same psychiatrist as last time. she's the first one in two years to actually assess me diagnose me and get me#in treatment for my depression. but um. please let me go home soon#im so tired#its real fucking scary and overwhelming to have your freedom taken from you like this.
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vacation review: taiwan
overall rating: ★★★★/5
cities visited (chronologically): taipei, taichung, kaohsiung, taitung
the good parts
i got to see Moomf (micosu oomf)
i got over the "i can't visit a country if i don't know the language" feeling
nature everywhere
night markets were so fun!
at least half of the population wears a mask at all times (even outside of taipei where the air quality is nicer!)
every train station + tourist spot had a stamp area so now i have a lil booklet filled with taiwanese stamps :,)
food! especially boba and soups :DD -so much liquid.
traveling on the back of a scooter is so mind-numbing, i love being a passenger princess
the bad parts
taipei's air pollution is a lil sad but def not the worst
getting over the jetlag and post-vacation sadness T_T
they killed that duck that i saw in that one tumblr post
overall summary
i think that taiwan is an excellent place for people of all places to visit! especially if you know english, everyone is really nice to english-speakers and makes an effort to gesture-speak or google translate through every conversation
this may be insensitive, but i think that the "made in taipei" brand (country pride of having many ~cultural influences) really works for tourism. previously, i saw friends and co-workers take their japan trip and do all the kawaii things (sanrio store, snoopy cafe, studio ghibli museum, etc), and got sad. taichung really embraces manga, anime, and other kawaii-adjacent things, and it satisfied my desire to go to japan. i've been having a hard time with co-existing with appreciating the good side of japan (mostly art and media) and learning abt the bad sides (colonial history), so it was nice being able to get a positive experience with low "double-think"
on post-vacation sadness
idk why but this was the first time that i came back from a vacation and i was Sad. like, maybe it's bc i got my period mid-trip and it was some weird post-period hormonal thing?? but i doubt it
looking back, i think that i have never truly been Alone until this trip? when i solo traveled in sp+pt, i was able to talk to the people in the hostel and go out with them. i wasn't able to talk to anybody bc a majority of the tourists spoke either mandarin or japanese, and idk either of those languages. i think that i was alone with my thoughts for too long -> leading to being on my phone too much -> leading to random bursts of crying (?) that lasted through a week after coming back to the US. it was bad enough that i took off all my jewelry and almost cut my hair X|
also any instagram posts that mentions taiwan / east asia kinda ruins my whole day. i wanna go backkkkkk
lessons learned
it's okay to be lost emotionally and physically! being alone is a constant battle of self-love and The Void
i need more international friends bc visiting them in their free time + their country of residence in their work time is so fun
i need to take more pictures of myself! i think somewhere in this trip i convinced myself to download dating apps again and i have no good pics. i also can't post a "taiwan photodump" on insta :(
tl;dr: go to taiwan! but go with friends!!
#lesson learned: i may be depressed#i journaled a lot and i'm starting to think my 'quarterly sad weeks' are not the most normal thing in the world#but like#what am i supposed to do abt it#prob exercise#bc i do get a lot of sunlight. god bless my beautiful apartment#roommate is trying to start a pickup soccer group so i'll go to thaaaaat i guess#i also realized in this trip that i have no idea what i Actually look like#so if anyone can send me a webMD article abt that that'd be great /hj#realizing this is less a review of the country and more of a review of My Mental State#taiwan#dash reviews#oh well!#micosu#mental health
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