#clearly I’m mentally ill bro
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Dead = no longer fucking things up
#sui ideation#please end me#su1c1d3#i hate it here#suiiiicide#suiicide#sh#depression#sad#mental illness#clearly I’m mentally ill bro#suicid3
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God my roommate is complaining about how the dishes work in this house as if he’s not the one generating a million dishes during meal prep, not coming home on his dish day so they pile up, and also last time he cleaned like half of a normal load bc I was so late on my day?? Like if he doesn’t like it now I guarantee he’s gonna be upset if we have to do all of our dishes immediately bc I can’t handle that and things will pile up in my room or in the sink.
#like my other roommate pulled himself out of the dish cycle and it’s kind of bullshit bc he was like ‘I was just doing my dishes immediately#so it just felt like I’m cleaning everyone else’s’ which the point is that you CAN just leave your dishes in the sink if it’s not your day#but whatever#like the roommate who is now complaining is clearly kind of upset that he has to live with roommates still#like bro it was your choice to go to grad school you HAD a job offer but you refused it#I go through bouts of stress related mental illness where I can’t clean anything and it works if it’s my dish day and I have to do it#but if not? buddy im gonna start using paper plates
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Lately, I’ve been thinking about Leon, Ada, and Claire. Especially on their relationships because I think they’re pretty interrelating so here’s another analysis made by yours truly <3
TW: mentions of mental illnesses, MY OPINION! + observations. This is strictly based on my knowledge. I’m majoring in English- doesn’t mean I’m 100% correct, it just means I’m pointing out some things that I thought were pretty cool. Take this with a grain of salt.
So I actually propose that we bring the color theory into play, mainly between Leon, Claire, and Ada.
In RE2R and in Infinite Darkness (death island too but I’ve yet to watch it), Leon is portrayed as blue. (His RPD uniform and his suit/jacket) back in my English class (film vs book) we talked about the different types of people and how the author/creator purposefully assigns a character a specific color.
By majority belief, the color blue represents sadness and often times calmness as well. However, I have a different view on why CAPCOM seems to love Leon in winter colors (blue/green/purple)
Leon is the definition of the Blue Character Theory- these types of characters are compassionate, loyal, confident, and can manage their emotions (keep it cool in other words) but sometimes these characters are prone to become over emotional (depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, etc.) and I actually wrote a small paragraph on Leon in infinite darkness about this because I found it so interesting that Leon- a cool and reserved guy, has these complicated emotions welled up inside him and one of the only ways we can tell is by the color of his representation. (Think of Euphoria and how colors really affected the way the characters act, especially Maddy and Cassie and how different they are.)
I’m also going to be hella bold and say that his eyes are a CLEAR representation on his character by color analysis. His eyes are blue, not only because he’s a white man- but because the “eyes are the windows to the soul” thing really does help us understand him better. They clearly did this on purpose to let the viewer catch a glimpse at Leon’s raw personality. His eyes are very expressive if you really REALLY analyze them.
And when you bring someone who is represented by the color red (Claire and Ada) there’s already an established connection between the two. Although Claire and Ada are way too different in personalities, I like to believe that they both have at least the same level of ambition, stubbornness and leadership. Red characters are known to lead or take matters into their own hands when the world is against them. If no one is going to help them then they’ll do it themselves.
In ID, Claire did her own investigation. She took charge and decided to that if no one would help her, including Leon, then she’ll just do whatever she can with the power she has. Ada is similar in that aspect. Ada has a way of getting things done her way, just like Claire. She uses the art of manipulation to make sure her plans are fulfilled, even if it means at the cost of others. She’s ambitious and goal-driven, much like Claire.
CAPCOM represents the two women in explicitly red or at least with red items (hair, dress, shoes, etc.) it makes me believe that they know what they’re doing when it comes to giving characters their own individuality.
Now, we know that blue and red are complementary colors based on the color wheel.
But we also know that Leon and Ada don’t really have a healthy relationship (I’ll get to this in another post near the future once I’ve got evidence) which is contrasting to Leon and Claire’s relationship. Which prompted the question: Why?
I mean, yeah Claire is Chris’s sister and by affiliation Leon enjoys her company. But it is also clear that the two of them worked very well back in RE2R (the fence scene) their chemistry and tension was high but when he’s with Ada, it seems different.
It is no doubt that Leon had/has (? I’m just as confused as bro tbh) a crush on Ada. I read somewhere from the notes on Leon that he was actually glad to have seen Ada in RE4R (not too sure for RE4OG since almost everything is about the remake)
CAPCOM purposefully follows the Red Oni/Blue Oni trope (a Japanese folk tale, shout-out to my professor for putting me on that) but what why are there two red ones and one blue one? Is CAPCOM keeping their choices open for Leon’s potential love life? I can’t say for sure what’ll happen or what everything means because this is something I over analyzed.
Remember, I’m only an English major student, I still believe my observations are pretty vague or at least a little bit underdeveloped. Hopefully sometime near the future I can make better analysis 🙏🏼
Also, tysm for all the amazing comments and reblogs 🥹🙏🏼 idk how to reply to reblogs but I really do appreciate the fact that you guys like my fics. I promise I have more to write (I have a list in my notes app lmao)
#leon kennedy#leon s kennedy#leon scott kennedy#resident evil#id leon kennedy#re4 leon#leon#leon kennedy headcanons#di leon#claire redfield#resident evil 4#resident evil 2#resident evil claire#ada wong#resident evil ada wong#re4 ada#re4 remake#re2 remake
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omg i was bored and started re-reading CBMTHY from the start and i just realized - now knowing that reader was ill? or expecting to die from sickness before the Cauldron thing happened - Azriel's comment of "you are proving to be a burden" and why that was such a fatal blow to reader is getting a new meaning akdjskakajsj
ur whole family is suffering in poverty with ur youngest sister going to the woods every day risking her life to keep ur family afloat, and ur sick and possibly dying (idek if it was mentioned whether or not the rest of the Archerons knew?? i wouldn't put it past reader to just not tell them bc of her insecurities, not to mention the whole complicated psychology that must happen with the fact that Mama Archeron also died from illness and the trauma everyone has from that 😬😬) and u get randomly turned into fae and seemingly cured of that illness.... like the amount of guilt that reader must have had about the whole situation.. she already felt like she owed smth to Feyre and the rest bc she's in the belief that she would've died if she stayed human (both from hunger and her illness) and then Azriel goes ahead and tells her she's a burden like 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Az what the FUCK no wonder girlie is depressed 😭😭 (im not like Really really livid at him bc ik that he obviously didn't know her backstory but .. bro's gotta GROVEL)
anyways im living for this added weight of the angst and hurt ✨️
(I might have gone on some tangents here, and I’m not entirely sure I articulated it correctly, so I’m sorry if this doesn’t make total sense!! 🧡💛)
Okay, so, this is something I think I struggle with frequently—being unsure how much people in the acotar universe know about medicine?
I’ve kind of got it into my head that fae magic is just a general healing thing? So it wouldn’t require the same level of knowledge and study as a modern day doctor would have to go through since I don’t think we really get to see how healing magic works? The only comparison I can think of is what we see in Tower of Dawn, but even that wasn’t particularly clear?
Anyway, in a story like cbmthy where reader obviously has some mental instabilities, it’s quite difficult knowing how to describe it since I’m unsure they have the understanding of modern day medicine/psychology? And then there are the physical symptoms that her magic has been causing her, and I’m operating under the assumption that they won’t understand what’s happening to reader or how to cure it given the type of ‘sick’(?) she is from her power? I also don’t want to give anything away, but in short I’m hoping to touch more on what kind of ‘illness’(?) reader was dealing with pre-cauldron?
‘Az what the FUCK no wonder girlie is depressed’
I’m glad that this side is clear at least 😭 I was kind of worried, since I don’t think I’ve explicitly said she’s clinically depressed, that it might not be apparent? Again, I don’t think they have a term for depression in the acotar universe? Like I can’t see it being a name for a mental illness? I can see it being used as a descriptor, and people being able to understand the concept quite clearly, but I don’t imagine there being defining qualities yet if that makes sense? 😬😭
‘anyways im living for this added weight of the angst and hurt ✨️’
Well, while chapter 16 is mostly happy, there is a little interaction with Mor at the end that might be a bit intense if you enjoy general angst/hurt things? It’s only brief but I felt it would be too strange to have a genuinely okay chapter, even if reader just experienced one of the lowest moments of her life 😁🧡💛
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im mentally ill? but i’m not sitting here writing about fucking a relative. oh ok…
just because they’ve been around forever doesn’t mean it’s ok? let’s use common sense (which you clearly don’t have but it’s ok! we can find you some)
the concept is disgusting and you’re disgusting for enjoying it. not to mention that you write the reader like a literal child.
them being “not blood related” has nothing to do with anything, they’re still related due to their parents being together, and are socially seen as such. overall weird and gross behavior that you’re promoting with your weird ass writing.
and you’d think that if you have a trillion asks about it.. smth is wrong with what you’re doing.
literally all your points are trash 👎
Bro I ain’t reading allat
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The scene just after the mindscape where Mikey realizes that there’s paint all over him and he painted the apocalyptic city in his trance +plus Future Mikey winking at him!!! And how all the bros react to their lil bro being in said trance/possessed🤩🤩
THIS MIGHT BE MY FAVORITE PEEPAW FIC and I am angy it got suspended Chiangy (I said that cuz it rhymed lol) do you know when the suspension is lifted?
-☄️
[SUSPENSION QUESTION: i have my calendar set on the 24th(aka this coming friday) to remove the tags but i THINK its gonna b longer till wmas is fully back up bc i have to be under review]
AS FOR MIKEY;
(v excerpts taken from ch2 v)
There is a sudden gust of wind. The orange petals swirl around him and it turns to fire. Not just any fire, his fire. It caresses his scales playfully, constantly moving around him, circling like an excited puppy with too much energy. The fire moves in front of him in the space of a person standing on that bed of marigolds. White eyes blink open from the flames.
Mikey can only stare back.
The fire moves again, but this time it licks away from the figure’s form. The eyes blink and tilt up in a way where it’s clear that they’re smiling. The fire reveals the figure underneath. He catches sight of orange fabric, white wraps on arms. Mikey only makes out a flash of green skin before a knock at the door snaps him from his focus.
“Everything okay in here, Mikey?” Donnie and Casey stand by his door.
Mikey blinks, “Yeah I’m fine. Is something wrong?”
mikey's fire.
i have only a bare bones of thoughts on his fire ill b honest, but as it stands, mikey's powers are literally part of him. he's much more intuitive at mystics than his brothers and in this, i wanted to emphasize that he is as much mystics as his mystics are him.
and in this case, the mystics are LITERALLY him.
Donnie and Casey glance at each other, the latter points to the sketchbook behind him. Mikey sees the sketchbook’s page freshly painted in an abstract version of the city he saw while meditating. He sees centered at the bottom the bed of marigolds and flames. And looking down at himself he sees his hands covered in paint.
He was clearly working, but had no recollection of moving.
“You were painting, but your hands were glowing.”
THE PAINTING okay. while mikey was meditating, sure i coulda had him float like future!mikey does, have objects in his room floating, the whole shebang, BUT.
i didnt.
there is a bit of power scaling im playing with here and to me personally, mikey is too weak at the moment to handle floating.
so that means; a vision, a dreamscape, a moment where he wasnt present in the moment and made something intangible, tangible via the painting.
i also just like the idea of visions being a form of proof? like it isnt all mental, its real and it has importance. its not JUST implicit symbolism and foreshadowing. it has relevance.
Mikey looks to the bed of marigolds and the bright orange figure of flame. He stares into the eyes of the figure again.
They're winking.
“...Huh.”
the wink. come on now.
literally winking is such a fundamentally playful action and it fucking RUINS ME every time. it literally just show ME that even during the apocalypse mikey manages to find a way to be so so fun and ill cry if i think about that fact too hard.
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Bro i understand being a joker hater, but tf did emil do?? Him and ada are both severely mentally ill people clinging onto eachother in a time period where the means of helping them weren't properly developed :(( they are clearly BOTH victims of their circumstances trying to make the most out of it, why would anyone hate either of them????
People when you don’t like a character and their story 😿😿😿😿😿 btw I’m talking mostly about FANON of Emil and Ada since this is where she gets villanized a lot, I’m not talking about their canon story. I only dislike Emil, not Ada.
He’s a VEERYYYY boring character for me. His whole personality and character is just around Ada, which makes sense since she was the only light to him but they could’ve really done it better. The only thing which really have peeked my interest in his whole story the is how he died (which is pretty fucking lame LMAO) . He got shot like a stray dog, a pretty cool hint to his childhood. (in story he was raised among fighting dogs, scared of them). I also dislike how people will try and blame Orpheus for being an “asshole”. The man obviously was trying to defend himself and the game 0 participants and if he didn’t, Helena, Galatea and even Ada could’ve got harmed due to Emil behavior. I don’t hate him for being a mentally ill man, but it’s his unhealthy relationship with Ada and uneducated fans which I hate most about him.
#mod: boris#mod post#// mod post#identity v#idv#idv emil#idv patient#i dont get why people get mad at people disliking a character#TW:OPINION!!!!!
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Alright I saw a post on my dash about difficulty in games and while I’m not gonna dig into that whole ordeal it did get me thinking for a moment and I actually think I’ve got some interesting ideas on how difficulty plays into the story of Hollow Knight and Celeste very differently
So for Hollow Knight, there is no easy mode. There’s no way to really make the game any less difficult to play, and there’s not any assist features to my memory. Now HK is a very interpretable game about... a lot of things, but I think a pretty tame interpretation is that righting the wrongs of the past is difficult but needs to be done anyways. I mean, to get the base game’s best ending, you’ve gotta defeat multiple suped-up extra bosses and go through the hell that is the white palace and only THEN do you get to fight the radiance, which you have to beat in one go after defeating the hollow knight or you restart that whole fight.
But then the fact that it’s so hard helps to like. emotionally sell the player on the idea that fixing this problem and allowing the world to start healing is always hard but it always needs to be done or things just get worse and that’s pretty neat.
Celeste in the other hand includes assist mode, which makes the game much easier. Now the story of the base game (which is only what I’m gonna be talking about here) is pretty clearly about accepting yourself and learning to work with your own mind and mental illnesses to become healthier and better, rather than trying to suppress them or ignore it until it goes away. And normally, without assist mode on, the game is pretty tough, and there are a few difficulty spikes, and this carries the story implication that doing that is hard.
But the existence of assist mode says that it doesn’t necessarily have to be hard, that it can be made easier or more manageable with help from external sources. The base game already does say this through its characters (granny is instrumental in helping Madeline realize she needs to learn to communicate and negotiate with her anxiety rather than try to force it out), but it gets reinforced in the gameplay and like.
Bro idk I just think those are cool
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(shakign) kyoya
yk I totally thought I did him the first time around but I didn’t
anyways KYOYAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! MY OG FAV!!!!!!!!!! He was my favorite in second grade bro I’ve always been mentally ill abt him. He was my favorite for a while before Zeo beat him out but he is still my 2nd fav <3 (I’m sure he would hate to hear that lmao)
I will say, I think Kyoya was the best character of fusion but afterwards, his writing went downhill imma be real with you. Masters he felt a little one dimensional at times (though I do love him and wild fang) but then fury,,,,, I wanted to punch him the whole time FURY COMPLETELY MASSACRED HIM I STAND BY THAT. HE WAS WAY MORE OF AN ASSHOLE THAT WHOLE SEASON THAN HE HAD ANY RIGHT BEING AND IT MAKES ME SO UPSET. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THERE WAS LIKE,,, VERY LITTLE REACTION FROM OTHER CHARACTERS AND ARGRGRGGGRGR IT WAS SO FRUSTRATING. I wanted Nile to go apeshit on him so badly you have no idea. He deserved to.
Ok I just needed to get that out of my system NOW TO WHAT I ACTUALLY LIKE ABOUT HIM
First of all, his development in Fusion was just chefs kiss. SO GOOD. I think about it constantly. I cant even put it into words but like. Seeing him at the start of fusion, then to be manipulated by doji and seeing him hit rock bottom, lashing out at everyone was just,,,, hrrrnendnrn. His early development especially tied in with benkei was so good because like, even though he was still a bad guy, we see that he wasn’t like, horrible. Like in Benkeis flashback to when they first met, Kyoya isn’t completely one sided at the start. He’s a strong, determined character, and he has a great respect for the people who earn it and I love that. But after doji, seeing the way he completely breaks and goes off the walls, and specifically how he abandons and hurts benkei is so heartbreaking. I feel like you can tell where his character is at any given moment based on how he treats benkei and that really peaks there. His development though, his realization that he is worthy of forgiveness after everything and is allowed to be friends with others and build those friendly bonds is just so good. He’s such a passionate person and even though he still is snappy and standoffish, he still has that softness that he’s willing to show. He really does just feel like an angsty teen most of the time. He wants to be aggressive and hate everything and everyone but his genuine passion and care for others comes out too much for him to be able to fully put that front on. I love how much characters help him and how he helps them in turn. He’s flawed and aggressive but at his core, hes an extremely passionate and honorable person and many of the other characters can see that. I’ve been mentioning this a lot lately, but I specifically love his dynamic with Tsubasa in fusion and battle bladers specifically. It frustrates him to see someone like Tsubasa not put his whole heart into beyblade and goddammit he tells him that straight up. He ignites that passion in Tsubasa and clearly enjoys seeing it and oh my goshshshhsbdndbdbcnfjd I love them so much
AND THATS ONLY TALKING ABOUT FUSION. I don’t have as much to say about him in masters because as I said, I think his character started falling a little flat here, but he still shined a lot. I think this more than ever showed how passionate he truly is and that really comes forward when he puts his all into everything, especially his eventual fight with Gingka. Him coming back at the end was really nice and I forever appreciate that one line he has about the incompetence of adults lmao.
And of course, the real star of the show here for me, HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH NILE. MY GOD I AM SO ILL ABOUT THEM. They’re bond is immediately built on a strong mutual respect for each other and honestly it is incredible how instantly they click. With so many other characters, there was at least a little bit of animosity at first between them, but besides a brief moment where he thinks Nile is going to run away from battles, they get along INSTANTLY. Nile matches Kyoya’s energy so perfectly and they just go together so well. I also love how much pride Kyoya holds in Nile. Like, when Nile battles Masamune, Kyoya absolutely lights up. He’s so riled up to see someone who he knows is incredible and strong really get to put that on display and every time in that battle it cuts back to him, he just has the biggest, proudest smile and I think that’s just beautiful. I love how well these two mesh together and that is why it gets especially frustrating in fury when Kyoya says he doesn’t work with anyone and blah blah blah RIGHT IN FRONT OF NILE AND NILE DOESNT EVEN SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I just want more of them dude they’re so good together.
#mfb#kyoya tategami#thank you so much for asking about him reyes I needed to get this out#also I’m realizing that I talked a fair amount about every character I ship him with except Hyoma so I’ve gotta give him a little justice#they’re dynamic is so silly to me#there’s so much passive aggression and animosity towards each other from both of them at first#and I feel like Kyoya ESPECIALLY wanted to hate Hyoma even after everything was explained#but he just couldn’t#he was forced to like Hyoma eventually and by god he wishes he didn’t#they are so funny I just love them so much#they are in love whether Kyoya likes it or not
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bro I played the fandiscs recently and i’m still down bad for him lol. like i’m sorry, i am but a simple girl who just wants to be cooed down at and taken care of like i’m precious and have the thoughts taken out of my head sometimes, for better or for worse (probably worse). but he actually like, regrets the freak shit and actively makes up for it the entire time in them which just endeared me to him more?? idk…
you know that post that’s like “you’re clearly enabling each others’ mental illnesses and are fucked up and perfect for each other but please don’t involve anyone else in what you’ve got going on?” yeah that would be us lol.
i trust you with this information because i know you won’t judge lmao, please forgive me
(in fiction ofc!!)
the fact theres not one but TWO closeted toma fuckers in my inbox rn is making me lose my shit you're both so so real. TRYING TO FIX THIS MAN LIKE IM SIMPLY SCREAMINGGJGKDS
no i understand. yes im enabling his delusion. thats my man and imma stick beside him what do u want me to say. im not judging... he is like ceo of nice boy freak coddler he had the game on lock. dont worry
#return to sender#looking at this and the other ask im gonna answer and losing it#ask to tag#I GET IT OKAY... I RLLY DO
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Ghosting.
Chapter 3
wc - 0.8k
warnings - mentall illness
~
5:58pm
I think I relate a lot more to TV characters than real life people. When I see the actors completely overdoing it for their role, making the most ridiculous facial expressions and laughing abnormally loud, it always makes me smile. I see myself in that a lot. Since I feel empty like 80% of the time, a lot of my emotions are rehearsed. I cannot count the amount of times I've stood infront of the mirror practicing my happy face, my shocked face, my sad face, etcetera etcetera.
The other 20% of the time my reactions are actually genuine. Like when I tear up every time someone hugs me, or when I laugh everytime Soobin chokes on his food. Stuff like that. Don't misunderstand me - in that 80% of times I still feel things. Being empty and feeling no emotions at all are two different things. You still feel the emotions, you just have absolutely no mental energy to show any kind of a reaction. I'm not saying I'm a sociopath or anything, nothing like that. It's a different kind of detachment. It's kind of like I woke up one day in control of a body foreign to the one I once existed in.
Yes, I technically am the same choi beomgyu that snorted glitter whilst making a birthday card for his brother in nursery, and that spent his weekly allowance buying his mother flowers when he was 8, and that was voted "wildest imagination" by his class when he left primary school. I just... to put it morbidly, I feel like that beomgyu has died and I am now stuck in a life in which I am controlling a corpse, desperately trying to revive the spirit of someone that is no longer even alive.
A bright flash of lightening on the TV show I'm watching pulls me away from my train of thought. Oh shit. How long was I spaced out for this time?
Tonight, me and Soobin are in the living room of our shared flat, binging cartoons on the TV.
yawn !
I shift my gaze away from the TV and towards Soobin, who has his mouth wide open and his eyebrows furrowed as he does a very loud yawn. He looks cute. Like an angry bunny.
"You look like an angry bunny," I say, pairing my taunt with a shit eating grin. He smacks my arm lightly, grinning back.
"Shut up idiot."
I just giggle. I feel drained. I'm in no mindset to spend time with people right now. It's nothing on Soobin. It's just me.
"I think I'm gonna head to bed."
I do a little wave goodbye as I stand up.
"Alright bro, see you in the morning." he responds, waving back.
I think this is why I am closer to Soobin than I've ever been closer to anyone in my life. He accepts everything and questions nothing. Sure, he teases me about a few things, but like - take now for an example - who the hell heads to bed before the sun has even set? Me. It's not common, I know. But I do. But Soobin just doesn't care. He doesn't ask me why, or beg me to stay up a little longer, he just lets me do whatever the hell it is I need to do in that moment. Which of course, is great, because I'm clearly quite erratic.
However, this does come with its downfalls. I can't open up to him because his nonchalant attitude towards life in general just makes it seem like he either doesn't understand me or he simply doesn't care enough to try. It's ridiculous that I feel like that, of course. He clearly cares about me, and he doesn't question anything I do because he cares. I just don't have any energy to fight off that little nagging voice in the back of my head that tells me he's only humouring me because he knows I don't and can't trust anyone else but him, so it all just takes over until I can't breathe and can't think and it's all just easier to bottle it up and never tell anyone anything at all.
Sighing, I enter my room. I let my heavy door shut behind me, the harsh slam slightly alerting me. How the fuck do I always forget it does that?
#beomgyu angst#txt angst#kpop angst#soobin angst#beomgyu fic#beomgyu fanfic#txt fic#txt fanfic#kpop fic#kpop fanfic#beomgyu imagines#beomgyu#choi beomgyu#txt beomgyu#soobin#choi soobin#txt soobin
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UH I don’t usually like to talk about my personal life because I desire to be an enigma, like the contents of a Costco hot dog. But at the same time, I felt like I just wanted to scrape all this out of my head and put it somewhere else. It’s a long read, and I don’t expect anyone to trudge through it, but at least these things aren’t stuck in my brainspace, rattling their cages anymore.
--
To preface, I’m equal parts torn between “Bro, you’re overthinking this, no one cares”, “everyone cares a LOT, and you’re potentially opening a big can of worms here,” and “are you truly explaining yourself, or just making excuses for yourself?” (The answer being: I honestly don’t know.)
The thoughts are so disjointed, all vying for my attention with the same urgency and insistence. I desperately want to put them in order, line them up neatly, clearly, concisely, but it ends up being a very “herding cats” sort of endeavor; As soon as I turn my attention to one thought, the other 27 have disappeared, gotten into something they shouldn’t have, or barfed on the carpet.
At the core of it all, I want to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’ve not been particularly reliable in recent years. Obviously, I do not enjoy disappointing people; I don’t like failing to meet expectations, making promises that go unkept, disappearing for months on end, etc. I cannot stress how inadequate and ashamed I feel because of it. Yet the scrambled eggs I call my brain fights me tooth and nail every time I try to do anything about it.
I know this is the most autistic thing imaginable, but please allow me to compartmentalize and elaborate on some thoughts that have been tumbling around in my head.
The Mental Health thing:
I’m trying to get better about working with my bipolar2. I can prolong my manic phases in a way that allows me to get more work done for a longer period of time, and I can cushion the blow of depressive phases. But I still feel the push and pull of these cycles.
The downswings are the primary reason why I simply disappear at times, and it feels like a herculean effort to claw my way out of the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad pit of despair and 14 hour depression naps.
But then the upswings have me chasing novelty: prioritizing ephemeral, unimportant things over projects that I really need to get done. There is no negotiating with the ADHD brain to work on a task. Guilt, bargaining, bribery, blackmail, reason, logic, it’s all thoroughly ineffective. I might as well be trying to move mountains. I'm getting better at structuring things in a way where I'm able to do "fun, exciting, new projects," while also doing my gotdamned job, but it's still something I'm working on.
The Physical Health thing:
I once told one of my closest friends that I felt she and I, with all our similarities in mind and body, were cut from the same cloth. She replied “yeah, but it’s cheesecloth,” and I’ve laughed about it every day since.
She’s chronically ill, much more so than I, but there’s a sort of… guilt-laced comfort in knowing that we’re not alone, that someone does understand to a similar depth and degree.
But it’s still bullshit, yaknow? I’m tired of migraines that render me temporarily blind multiple times a week, I’m tired of the disruptive visual disturbances and hand tremors making it difficult to draw. I’m tired of tachycardia, palpitations, breathlessness, fatigue, nausea. And I’m tired of being shuffled between cardiologists, endocrinologists, pulmonologists, ophthalmologists, one specialist after another. Endless referrals. Numerous tests. Give us your blood, pee in this cup, try this diet, take these medicines. And the final verdict is always “hmm, we’re not sure what’s wrong.”
I don’t understand why my own body insists on fighting me at every turn. I give you water and walkies and sunlight every day, you ungrateful lump of flesh.
The art & friends thing:
I think enough people are aware that I had a huge falling out with my friend group some years back. There were rumors and accusations I wanted to address, but I was always worried things would blow up all over again. One can’t simply put out a statement and expect the involved individuals will have nothing to say in turn. And that’s only fair, right? The mere act of “defending” myself calls their integrity into question, so shouldn’t they be around to offer the counterbalance of their personal experiences and reasoning?
But ultimately, neither party wants to dredge up and rehash the same shit all over again. It’s exhausting. It’s emotionally taxing. And in the end it all boils down to he-said she-said anyway.
So I’ve done my best to just be okay with it. Like, I did cause a lot of problems anyway, so maybe it’s penance for my wrongdoings. I don’t know.
Moral deliberations aside, I found myself abruptly without friends. Emotionally devastating to be sure, but it also had an additional aftereffect of leaving me without artistic colleagues who could encourage creativity, offer input and opinions, redline my work, etc. And because artists cannot grow in a vacuum, I began to stagnate.
To say nothing of the perpetual rumination whenever I would sit down to draw. It was the same unpleasant thoughts, over and over again on repeat. Day in and day out.
So I stopped drawing.
Onwards:
Since then, I’ve slowly healed. I reconnected with my childhood friends and I cannot possibly express the amount of love and joy they’ve brought to my life. Likewise, my beloved husband has been nothing but supportive and encouraging, despite the literal years of me sort of moping around, aimless and without purpose. I look back at how I’ve spent the past half decade and I hate this languishing creature that has worn my face but contributed nothing of value to my life.
I want to be me again, and I want to be productive and creative, not because of (mandatory) hustle culture, but because it genuinely makes me happy. Like, not to be a goober but isn’t it kinda magical to be able to see something in your head or have a vague idea and then conjure it into existence through art/writing/music? That shit is cool as hell. I wanna do magic. And I want to feel proud of myself for accomplishing something. Maybe it’s capitalist brainwashing but productivity scratches the constant itching in my brain.
Ultimately:
So, that’s where I sit now, getting back on the horse for the umpteenth time and hoping I can do a little better than before. Perhaps, with the knowledge of what has and hasn’t worked in the past, I can hold on longer, recover faster.
I want to thank everyone who has continued to cheer me on through it all. There are some names I’ve seen pop up again and again over the years, offering me kindness and patience well beyond what I deserve. You’ve always made me feel like it was worth it to dust myself off and try again, encouraging me ever onward. Even though you owe me nothing. Even though it can be difficult to gather that energy, and harder still to turn those thoughts into words.
So from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
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Ok I’m gay lmao I’m gonna keep talking about this because obviously I guess I have something to say wow
Like I woke up still drunk this morning lmao and I opened my phone to text her and I can see the little dot dot dots this bitch is already typing to me like wow are you inside my fucking brain bro and she was telling me about how she hadn’t slept in 48 hours and was now gonna go get a tattoo like wow ur such a crazy bitch I fucking love you you cunt me too that’s exactly some shit I would do and honestly probably have done we have the same trauma and same mental illnesses like I can tell her the most fucked up thing in the world and we’ll both just laugh and say bitch same me too no way that’s crazy we’re crazy but that’s okay she’s just like me but in a slightly different font it’s so wild I don’t know how to explain to you these feelings man like it’s not a crush it’s not infatuation and it’s like deeper than friendship but I’m not like tryna fuck either I dunno maybe I just forgot how intense it is to be besties w a gay girl but like anyways whatever that’s my fucking wife that’s all I miss my gay wife partner I wish she wasn’t 8 hour time difference away but also the time difference clearly doesn’t matter bc we still always be talking to each other even if it’s 4 am for either of us heehee whatever I’m gonna get out of bed now and not go call her in the backyard or anything I’m not gay ur gay fuck you shut up fag ok lol wow I’m byebye
#gay#pls ignore me#it’s gibberish#on purpose#i’m a simp#come back flo#no one’s gonna read this#i miss my gay wife
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This is going to be chronological order OG only chronicle o tweets on Twitter or x or whatever the heck is up w/ that.
It is set in 1900s ish july. It mentions a ‘She’ im assuming is a therapist of some sort. The writer most likely is mentally ill or something and is told to write thoughts down to help.
Bro has trauma wtf when did this happen?? Glances, phrases, remarks, notes. Do not understand situation is better shown than told probably some type of trauma honestly. Family and dog: you know they are already fucking dead though, come on you know ain’t no way they survive this. Will not forget bad things bad things probably life changing is worst way possible or something.
J maybe therapist?? Then bizarre dream tf is up with this kids mind tho-?? AND IT MEANS CYCLE?? like timeloop cycle, history repeating cycle, which we talking about??
Oh yeah shitty manager. I’ve been analyzing these and I’ve read that at least 20 times. 20 times of a fictional character complaining about their fictional boss tf is my life?
Spoopi dream and oh hey same hall and doors each time and the other dream meant cycle that’s just lovely!1!!1
The XXXX might be Mary and Mary might be the actual expert/therapist person? It implies Mary is the one who suggested person to write(?)
“Why can’t I be in control of everything” DAMN WRITER OK RELATABLE K THATS FINE OK also please throw the vcr out the window especially if it’s more than a 1 story building, please.
Happy birthday :DD ayyy fucked ver of happy birthday that’s cooool and we trust J :] oh yeah shit work place for like the 5th time dear god
ok therory also summarize things:
Writer(which is going to be referred to as 0), most likely (knowing Ranboo) is traumatized, and is getting some form of therapy. His therapist (I HOPE IS) Mary suggested he should write his thought down to help. At first 0 hated it, but overtime it did help a lot. A friend J told 0 to write is absolutely obscure dreams down. 0 does as 0 trusts J quite a bit even lets J read the journal entries. J is into supernatural and “crazy” things (same) and tells 0 that 0(bro idk pronouns im sorry) is reliving things that 0 might have repressed or something possibly trauma. 0 works at a very bad place with a horrible manager. 2 more spooky dreams later and oh, 0 still complaining about job. Creepy birthday song and wow I’m done with thing more than a month long project. this was so long and a lot of stuff was very cut down omg I’m tired I’m going to sleep buh bye
-☁︎🪷
P.S hi started school uh yeah hope your doing well :]
We love J for actually listening to 0’s dreams. They’re a real one fr. That being said, knowing Ranboo, I’m fully expecting J to be the one who traumatized and/or killed 0’s family in the end. Another Hetch situation y’know? Really though, what friend would look at your dream journal and say, "Oh yeah, that’s prolly some repressed trauma for you," like? I’ve had my fair share of strange dreams, but my immediate thoughts don’t go to deep-rooted trauma (I wouldn’t know it’s literally repressed, I guess?).
*intermission for me to read the tweets since I found a good twit front end on github a few weeks back B)*
Oh… oh no. Here we go again. If I had a nickel for every time Ranboo created a character who had to write their thoughts in a journal to cope with their repressed traumas and memory issues, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice. No, but really, this post solidified it for me:
The obvious is, "I dont think ill be forgetting those." Clearly, this is an important list of things to remember, and judging by the constant work reminders, Zero (I have to give them some sort of name) uses this journal as a way to help/cope with their forgetfulness and it’s been working so far.
What’s listed in the Good Things list is strange. Most notably the second one, "My dog." ???? My dog????? Who the hell in a supposedly personal journal doesn’t call their dog by their name? If it’s for the reader's sake, that doesn’t make sense either. It could’ve been a classic dog name (à la Spot, Rover, etc.) or, even better, have the name written after my dog: My dog Lola or My dog Winston. I may be overthinking this, but it’s such a strange detail to include with the introduction of Zero’s memory issues in the exact same post. Because all that implies is that Zero’s memory has already been degrading, with or without their knowledge.
Also, I'm not sure how or why we were even getting chronicle 0 in the first place. Is it like some sort of time paradox relating to Zero’s dreams? My best theory is that someone in 2023 (right now) found the journal and is literally chronicling/recording it online for others. This would explain the redacted words in the tweets, since they wouldn’t be if they were posted by Zero's thoughts themselves. And it gives new meaning to the random "?" posts. Maybe the page scanner couldn’t translate what was written down? Or was there nothing written there at all?
All I’m sure of is that whatever was on those "?" pages, those are the pages Jay has been writing on. Which quick aside, WTF JAY!? Why the hell are you writing in someone else’s therapy journal when you know they have memory problems? Who do you think Zero will assume wrote that down? Their nameless dog? NO ZERO MUST OF CAUSE ITS THEIRS. I don’t care if Zero trusts you because you're their childhood best friend or partner or whatever, but to me, you’re extremely misguided at best and suspicious and manipulative at worst. Anyway, assuming the "?" pages are Jay's, either their handwriting is less legible than Zero’s (or at least visually distinct enough that whoever’s tweeting these out can tell the difference from other pages or entries), or they’re some sort of drawing. Of what I’m not sure.
But back to the why: Someone found Zero’s journal and began posting pages of it because either they find it fascinating and unnerving (the reasonable solution) or (the flimsier, weirder solution) the account is the beginnings of an autobiographical journal-book about Zero if they actually did or experienced something notable in their future (for example, the style of Anne Frank’s journals). Imagine Showfall, or *insert Gen 0 capitalistic conglomerate here* publishing "The Story of Chronicle 0: How The Founder Found Their Way." It would be if Disney got ahold of Walt’s childhood diaries and sold them as a collector’s item. It’s so strange and wrong to do, but we all know it’d make bank. Plus, it feeds into the intrusive/changing perception theme from Gen 1 if Ranboo wants to continue that thread. Once again, grain of salt, spitballing, yadda yadda, this is getting interesting, and I haven’t even touched the dreams yet lmao.
#asker#genloss#chronicle 0#long post#ty ty cloud lotus again#I just started school up as well so seeing this in my inbox made my week#hope you’re doing well too :D
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hannibal s1 finale
ep 8
don’t like will playing the dead body cello ew
uhm willllllllll
“he wants to show someone how well he plays” meanwhile hannibal is like :3
damn he got rejected 😭
“i was going to kill you” tense
of course it’s will omg he just stumbles into serial killers
will: “im unstable” hannibal: “u should interview my crazy friend :3”
“i got here on my own but i appreciate the company”
ep 9
hannibal rlly has the fucking audacity
there is clearly a problem!
reveal!!
reveal x2!!
horse girl spotted
ep 10
“dr lecter here is one of the sanest man i kno” already don’t trust this guy
i hate that hannibal has a smelling thing going on
I KNEW THIS DR COULDNT BE TRUSTED
“you think he’s mentally ill?” HUH where have u been this entire season
i kno we already knew this but hannibal is evil
“i don’t feel clean” 😭
ep 11
hannibal is such a cheeky bastard
is it bad that i identify with will graham
everyone in this show is insane omg i kno that’s the point but god damn
killed that man with a high kick that’s crazy
chilton is soo off putting
will being able to have these strong hallucinations in public and just ignore it is impressive i would cry
will: “i don’t feel like myself” hannibal: :3 “what does it feel like?”
“you have me for your gauge” fuck off die
other serial killers wanting to be friends with hannibal is so funny
poor will 🥲
ok hannibal might be the king of gaslighting omg he just gaslit will into a fucking seizure
i thought hannibal liked bloom D:
jack’s understanding of will’s mental state is embarrassing like huh
ep 12
that is not chicken
“i don’t think either of us have gotten away from your father”
the drama of it all
“whatever you are doing with will graham, stop.” someone finally said it
“will needs my help” “by making a friend?” bro fuck off!!
uh oh will is onto him
fuck hannibal hate him so much
it would be a crazy twist if will was the bad guy but we literally kno it’s hannibal right we have seen him eat people his name rhymes with cannibal
“did you fish, or did you hunt” ahhhh
“i was curious abt what would happen” YIKES
abigail: *trauma of her dad wanting to kill and eat her* hannibal: *becomes her father figure and then kills (and probably eats) her*
ep 13
ahh that nightmare was so scary
but like hannibal def killed abigail right and put her ear in will’s sink that is so weird of him
so hannibal is trying to gaslight will into thinking he’s a serial killer so that he can have a friend? or so he can have will take the fall?
she’s a real one for taking care of his dogs
“can you hear how paranoid you sound” bro
“i’m trying to help u will” die
will knows! TENSE
“well he’s not your victim dr” “no he is he yours” ahhhhhhhh
good show
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ミ★ミ★-BASH IT INTO A MIRROR—Ace Evergarden x Yandere Kacey—ミ★ミ★
Notes: jesus christ, i didn’t even wanna write more about Kacey’s bitchass but u bitches wanted it, yandere, kidnapping, threatening, degrading and praising, Godess!Ace, Ace is a wind godess, magic, fighting, blood, obessive behavior, knives, bottles, cocaine, i hate kacey, insane kacey bro fuck outta here, mentions towards past murder, bondage, non-con kissing, non-con touching, no, its not groping stop, stalker, pervy kacey bitchass get out bro, mentions towards past trauma, ace has abadonment issues, threats of dying, slight sucidical tendeices??, mentally ill people need to be locked up fr!!/j, ace is nice to kacey for the first half, they become friends, kace mainuplation, ramblings and my nerd knowledge about greek mythology.
TW; i am NOT aiming to romantincze anything kacey does in this prompt/ book. they are clearly FUCKED in a whole other level. no person should act like this in real life!
“I’m sorry, Ace.” The girl infront of her apologized.
The shorter of the two only mustered up a smile, sure enough to prove she was okay.
“Oh please, it’s fine. You know I’m good for it, Cel’.” She waved it off.
The black-nette only whined a little knowingly. She felt bad.
“Hey, why don’t we hit up a icecream place nearby?” She offered.
The other girl only blinked a few times before laughing nervously. Hadn’t she told her??
“Ah sorry, I must’ve not told you, I’m lactose intolerant..” She answered, grinning smallely.
The green eyed girl paused before sweat-dropping.
“Ah! I’m sorry! Erm..I’ll just leave you alone then, see you!” The girl apologized before spilting off.
Ace watched the girl leave before shaking her head. She was getting ready to head back to the main village but flinched when she heard a twig break and someone curss.
“Fuck!” They whispered.
God, they were so clumsy. Couldn’t they just observe their beloved in peace?! Well, it was too late now, she probably heard them.
“Hello?..” The non-mortal asked, making her way to the tree they were hiding behind.
They tensed slightly when she put a hand around the tree slightly and glanced at them. She immeditally reeled back and smiled nervously.
“Ah, hello there!…Uhm..can I help you?” She greeted before looking away.
She caught a good glance of the former. She had semi-short brown hair that seemed messy and hadn’t been brushed in a couple days. She also had a pair of bright red eyes with odd shaped pupils, almost the shape of hearts.
“Hello..?” She called to her, noticing she was only staring and not speaking.
The brunette flinched slightly and automatically apologized.
��Sorry, Sorry! Uhm..I was just looking around..” He nervously said, rather akwardly.
In his mind, it was better to pretend to be mentally sane then confess his undying love on the spot. After all, it would be best if she fell for him too.
The former only hummed, narrowing her eyes slightly.
“Oh yeah? I haven’t seen you around here, and I know almost every villager..what’s your name??” She asked.
He tensed even more. There was no way he could just blurt out his name, the villagers never shut up about him.
“Um itssss..” She trailed off, eyes darting around.
Ace merly raised an eyebrow, confused. How long did it take to give your name to someone?
“It’s Riean! Just uh, Riean..!” She finally got out.
Ace only hummed and nodded. She didn’t completly believe them, but good enough, right?
“Hey, hey, uh..Your Ace Evergarden right??” They questioned, leaning close to the girl.
The blue-nette only manged a lopsided smile and leaned back slightly. Honestly, she didn’t like the vibe of them. Best to just play it off, though.
“Yep! That’s me!” She answered simply.
The other only grinned slightly and leaned back, stummbling slightly. She was atleast trying to act normal, and that’s what mattered, right?
“Say, I know your probably exhausted, so why not come with me for dinner?” She smoothly offered.
The non-human only blinked a few times. Offering already for something like a dinner?? Couldn’t that be classifed as a ‘move’, as you would say?
“Oh? Aren’t you smooth?” She questioned, even though it seemed more like a point.
Kacey only grinned and winked slightly.
“I like to believe so, yes..”
The shorter of the two only sighed slightly and tilted her head up slightly. She didn’t like the feeling of this, but yet again, did she really have a choice?
“Fine. You gotta’ place in mind?” She sighed before asking.
On the other hand, they were over the FUCKING moon. Who knew it would actually work?! Of course, their beloved wasn’t stupid, and they knew she was probably suspious by now.
A massive blush wanted to overcome their face, but they manged to settle it down. God, they could just imagine all her cute reactions once she found out what they really were!~
Would she hate her?? Would she finally end her suffering and strangle her or slice her down with her sword?! She wanted to know so badly.
“Riean..Riean?” Ace called out, gaining her attention.
Her eyebrows were furrowed in confusion as she looked at her. Her brown eyes shifted back and forth.
“Ah-Sorry, Ace..I know a place, c’mon!~” She snapped out of it and apologized before making a follow me motion.
The pair has eventually found a resturant. Oddly enough, Ace had never seen or even eaten here before. She tilted her head when the food the two ordered appeared infront of them.
She had simply ordered a glass of mango tea and a medium rare steak. Riean ordered something simaliar, but they way they ordered it..
“Oh, I’ll get the same steak! Just uh-make it so like it’s almost raw and bloody, k?” They said, smiling at the waiter.
The blue haired girl flinched and turned towards them, concerned. She ment, who liked a almost raw steak?!
“Alr..alright..that’ll be out for you two then..” He merly penned it down and left nervously.
“A bloody steak?? Are you sure?” The girl asked, eyes wandering towards her drink.
The short haired girl only smiled, slightly eerily.
“Course’ I’m sure! I like it raw, it gives it that feeling and extra texture and flavor, y’know?~” She causally answered.
‘NO, I DON’T KNOW, WERIDO!!’ Ace’s thoughts screamed at her. But she only placed a crooked smile on her face and laughed slightly.
“Right, ahaha..! Of course..” She said back.
The brown eyed girl only poked at her steak as she watched as they cut straight into theirs. They had red muck seeping out of it and she grimnaced, immeditally looking away.
“So, I know your like super well known and praised for being well..strong..but I have a few questions!~” They started, eyes mainly focused on their food.
The non-mortal only nodded and hummed.
“Well? I’m pretty much open to anything you could ask.” She merly said.
Meanwhile, Kacey took a piece of the meat and put it in her mouth. She didn’t want to look at Ace. If she did, she would probably more then not blurt out something.
“Just exactly..for how long have you been doing this sort of thing? Y’know, like helping townsfolk and expelling demons?” She asked.
The former hummed and finally took a few bits of her food. The meat was nice and tender, and had a slight burnt and smokey flavor to it.
“I would say atleast three years?? I mainly picked it up because people found out about me saving a whole town from a rogue mage.” She answered.
The red eyed female only nodded and the red on her plate colored the white purity of it more.
“Say, do you have any family? Like, siblings, mother, father?” She asked another question.
Ace only flinched slightly at the question. Oh no, her parents were long gone, or were they?? She didn’t know, considering she hadn’t seen them in so long. But she had Violet, and that was what mattered.
“I..I uhm..I have a sister..a younger one, obviously..” She answered, seeming more hesiatant.
Kacey picked up on this and immeditally put the fork she had a piece of meat on and comforted the blue haired girl. They also decided to be bold and place a hand on hers.
The other girl seemed to tense at this action. As her eyes darted towards the hand and then back towards Kacey.
“Hey, I’m sorry if I pushed too much..I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” They tried to comfort.
The other girl only tensed and smiled nervously and smallely. Kace thought it was cute.
“No-I..I just uh..” She tried to find an excuse, eyes staring at the half-eaten steak infront of her.
The marooned eyed male only hummed and said,
“Take your time, love. It’s my fault for making you panic anyway.”
The long haired girl resisted the urge to recoil at the name. He was already calling her names?? Wasn’t that a bit too fast?
She really should have said something, but he wouldn’t have listened. He enjoyed how she tried to have more mudane and muffled reactions instead of lashing out.
“I..I just don’t get asked a ton about myself..” She looked away and scratched her cheek.
The brunette only hummed and when Ace looked back, she noticed that they had already finished their food. The redness seeped on the plate, but their was no meat.
“Are you finished with your food, dear?” Kacey asked, sucessfully calling her yet another nickname.
She didn’t like it. But she couldn’t do much about it, sure she could say it made her uncomfortable but..
“Ah yes, I’ll pay then!” The caramel eyed girl jolted before digging in her pocket and pulling out a sack of coins.
The slightly taller girl only jolted and shook her head.
“Oh please, no need to pay. I’ll pay for it, plus, I was the one who dragged you here, right?” She protested, slightly touching the other again as she made her pushed her money away.
The other female only tensed slightly. Honestly, this girl was odd. It was like she would go out of her way to do stuff to ‘please’ Ace.
“You didn’t drag me here..I agreed, didn’t I?” The blue/nette asked a question of her own, but it was too late.
Kace had already placed her money near the reciept. A brown sack of coins, not too much. The food was good sure, but the prices were kind of worth it??
“Come on, let’s get out of here.” The short haired person brought the girls attention back to them and she only silently nodded.
The two looked around the area once they left the place. Ace tried to scoot away to make distance.
“Well, you probably have to go back to your house to take care of Violet, right?” Kacey asked.
The shorter girl immeditally jolted violently at the mention of her siblings name. She whipped around and stopped walking, eyes shakily looking at them.
The ladder tried to bit back the smile that threatened to form on their face.
“What?..” She whispered.
“What’s wrong, Evergarden? Did I say something?” She innocently asked back.
The long haired girl tensed and looked away nervously. She rubbed her eyes before grimnacing. She didn’t want to mention it, but she knew her younger sisters name?! It just didn’t make sense!
No one else in the village knew her younger sister by name! She turned towards the other and plastered a very shaky smile on her face.
“No, it’s nothing. I probably just heard wrong. Bye, Riean.” She reassured, probably more to herself.
She immeditally turned back around towards the opposite direction and started walking off. She didn’t even bother to look back, no way.
Meanwhile, the red eyed girl’s eyes followed her as she walked away. After a while, the reality hit her. Her face bathed in red and she cheered. Her heart’s rythm was extremely fast and her hands were shaky.
She had pulled it off!! She really had pretended to be sane around Ace and it worked!! Now, there was no way the girl wasn’t suspious about her, but still!!~
God, he remebered the pale or reeling back of her expressions. Espically when he mentioned that stupid younger sister of hers.
He was going to get his way. He was going to mainuplate Ace Evergarden into becoming his clostest friend. And then, he would let everything come crashing down, tell her his real name.
That he was Kacey, and there was nothing that should could do to stop him from having her.
Over the course of the next week, Kace and Ace were called ‘friends.’ Kace was overjoyed to been called that. but the godess on the other hand. Kace called her nicknames, got a little touchy with her, and even tried to ask more questions about Violer and her.
“Ace, hey, goodmorning!” Speak of the devil and they shall apear.
The brunette only grinned and waved at her. The said person was actually waiting on Ace, after all, they usually talked alot.
But..
“Yeah, goodmorning, Riean.” She simply greeted back before walking straight past them.
They blinked a couple times, hand slightly dropping. They side-glanced behind them and the shorter kept walking. They immeditally snapped out of it and followed after her.
“Ace?? Are you okay??” She inquried, walking now at the same pace as her.
The long haired girl didn’t reply as she kept walking. Kacey scowled and asked again.
“Ace! Hey, are you okay??” She said louder.
The said girl snapped out of it and boredly shifted her eyes over to the other. Her lips were pressed into a firm line and she didn’t look pleased.
“Yeah I’m fine. I’m just very busy and I need to be somewhere quickly.”
“No!-I..I mean, are you sure?? Are..are you really that busy..?” Kace blurted before correcting herself.
The blue-nette only flinched slightly at the sudden clingness of them. She moved back and looked at them with slightly wide eyes.
“Yes, I am that busy..what’s your problem, Riean? You’ve never acted like this before.” The girl only frowned and asked, shrinking away.
For a spilt second, a scowl of annoyance formed on their face but they didn’t say anything. Speaking of them, they had a jumbled thought process.
‘God this is fucking annoying. Why can’t you just work with me here?!’ They thought.
The long haired girl only sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. Almost like the younger was giving her a headache.
“Look, I’m sorry I can’t put all my time on you. But you should know I am a very busy person. Not one person can have me all to themself.” She coldly said.
Kacey watched her as she spared them a passing glance before leaving. They scowled, annoyed.
“God damnit Ace..” They mummbled under their breath.
In all honesty, it was getting harder and harder to not let the facade slip. You know, that they were insanely in love with her?! It was getting harder and harder for them to restrain.
In all honesty, what did it matter anymore? Ace didn’t care about them, she never did. That was just the way she was. So she couldn’t hate them for calling her a dense bitch then, right??
Whatever, Kacey was done. It was suposed to be different. They were suposed to make the girl fall in love with them. But she was just too FUCKING stubborn!! Whatever, fuck!!
“Enough, enough!! I’m doing it, I can’t take it anymore!!” The obessive person yelled, stummbling in the opposite direction like a drunk person and trying to calm their thoughts.
Villagers gave them a scared look, of course they would. They knew who she was, and that she was labeled as ‘fucking nuts’. Whatever, they should all die anyway.
Kacey would get her fucking way, no matter who got hurt this time.
“No mercy, Kacey.” She told herself, laughing weakly afterwards.
No matter how much the godess hated it, she was slightly worided for Riean. Her gut turned with a bad feeling inside of it and she hated it. She hated how she helped people carry suppiles, patch peoples wounds up, and searched for monsters.
Speaking of, she currently pulled her trusty sword out of the defeated creatures body and sighed. It’s body dissapered like smoke and she selthed her sword again.
“A sudden infasation of these demons, Empusas desciendents. Not good, not good at all.” She mummbled, a grimnace covering her face.
Untheless, she shook her head and walked back to the main village. She entered the village and immeditally a familar girl with short black hair with dull purple eyes grabbed her by the arm. She flinched slightly but relaxed slightly but not all the way when she saw who it was.
“Hiraeith?? What’s the matter?” She questioned, noticing the girl’s stare.
“What’s the matter?! You didn’t tell me you were hanging out with Kacey!” She snapped.
Ace blinked a few times, obviously confused. The same heighted girl also blinked back a few more times, before furrowing her eyebrows.
“Please don’t tell me you don’t know who I’m talking about.” She frimly said.
“I don’t know who your talking about..?” The blue-nette smiled tensly and hestiatnly asked.
The other empowered girl sweat-dropped and stressily combed a hand through her hair. She almost face palmed before finally responding.
“The brunette with werid maroon eyes and heart pupils you’ve been hanging around with. What’s her name?” She asked.
The brown eyed girl only screnched up her face before replying.
“Riean?? Why??” She confusingly asked.
Hiraeith breathed out a scoff-laugh and looked at Ace like she was stupid.
“Oh yeah? I hate to break it to you, but it’s Kacey. She lied to you, Evergarden. She’s been lying to you this entire time.” She sarcastically mocked before poking the others chest.
The brown eyed girl was taken aback from this information. She looked away and pressed her lips into a firm line. For some reason, a gag reflex was building up in her throat, a sick churing almost.
“Look, you aren’t the first person they’ve taken an intrest in, and defentily not the last. But look at me, they are INSANE..and not the cute verison you see, the murdeous type of insane.” She gently grabbed the others face, making her have eye contact again before stuffing her hands in her pockets while explaning.
“There’s no way you didn’t notice it. The little slips and concering moments here and there?? Yeah, that’s the real them.” Hiraeith contuined.
The godess only just listened before unclogging her suddenly thick throat. It took effort for her to even speak.
“How do you know so much about this..?” She mummbled, eyes flicking everywhere.
Now, Ace Evergarden rarely got nervous. But it reminded her so much of…
Nevermind.
“Because she had a intrest in me once. Luckily, it was as bad as some of the ones I’ve heard of, just a small one. I’ve heard she’s killed people that she can’t have eventually, or maybe even eaten them alive!! Wait no, that’s not funny-..” The purple eyed girl shurgged before spooking out, and then cutting herself off.
The traveller only smiled stiffly and came a little closer to the other. Speaking of the ladder, her facial expression changed into one of confusion.
“Thank you for telling me about this, Hira’. I’ll be safe, and I can handle it on my own.” She reassured before pulling away and walking away.
The short haired girl was left in silence for a few moments before tensing and reaching a hand out to where Ace’s back was turned.
“Wait!! Evergarden, I-!!” She tried to call out but the said girl only kept walking, not even sparing a glance.
Hiraeith put her hand that she had up down slowly and frowned. If the blue haired girl doesn’t keep an eye over her shoulder at all times, she could get hurt.
“Even if she is immortal..” She whispered.
Meanwhile, with the traveller girl. She was walking through a familar forest again when a breeze blew past her. She whipped around but saw no one, it was like the wind was pushing her. Then she heard whispers and knew who it was.
“Anamais? What are you doing?” She called out to her wind spirted friend.
A small creature apeared, it had a floating body and light blue and white colors. It had a striped and diamond patterned body/ or clothes. It also had a black face with no mouth but beedy big yellow colored eyes, almost like a cats. And finally, a small leaf hat.
It zoomed around Ace, pushing her in a certain direction. She smiled slightly and held her hands out. The creature flew into them with no resistence.
“I haven’t seen you in a while, huh? Well, you seem to be in a happy mood, either way.” She asked before smiling more, changing it into a grin.
Her spirt friend only jumped happily in her hands.
“Say buddy, do you have any clue why there is a sudden increase in the monsters around this town??” She asked her friend.
All of a sudden, the wind creature started shaking ans aniamatic tears formed in its eyes. She startled at this and worriedly asked,
“Anmais?? What’s the matter?” She questioned.
She got a response from the poor thing. Only..the voice didn’t come from them. Instead..
“I might have a clue why your little friend there is so scared.” A familar voice answered.
Ace immeditally whipped around and was awfully close to Kacey. His brown hair which was always dishelved, was neat and combed. And his maroon eyes were still mostly calm, but with a tinge of distrubance this time.
“You..” Was all the godess got out, moving back a few steps.
Her suddenly cold hands clutched the shivering wind element in her hands harder. What was going on??
“Yes, me, your beloved Riean!~ Tell me, how’s your chores going?” The male only leaned back and grinned.
The blue-nette only harshly glared and pressed her lips into a firm line.
“I know who you are, Kacey.” Was all she said.
And oh, did this trigger a response! The male’s red eyes widened and his smile faded away. He blinked a couple times before plastering a much more faded grin on his face.
“What do you mean? Whose Kace-!!” They started playing innocent but Ace wasn’t having any of it.
“Don’t fuck with me! You know exactly what I’m fucking talking about. Drop the act.” She snapped.
The brunette’s smile completly dropped and her head hanged low. The non-mortal stared, waiting for something to happen until..
Kacey burst out in laughter, just pure laughter. The brown eyed girl flinched and immeditally clentched her spirt friend closer to her.
“Oh please!! Honestly..honestly, I was stupid to think my plan would work in the first place!” She shakily said, laughing still.
The former only narrowed her eyes and didn’t speak.
“Ah Ace, you know, your not that smart for a godess. I would’ve thought you would’ve caught on by now!~” She mocked, eyes glinting.
This offically bothered the other and she spoke up.
“Are you calling me stupid?” She bluntly asked.
The ladder only finally stopped laughing, but an amused grin rested on her face. Meanwhile, Ace couldn’t figure out what she was thinking!? She knew she was insane, but this was just werid..
“Oh no, darling. I would never dream to call my savior stupid!~ After all, If I insulted you that would just make you hate me more, but you probably already do, right?” She clarrifed before inquiring.
The long haired girl only tilted her head up slightly and glared down at her.
“Ahaha! You know, I’m surprised you haven’t started running or haven’t tried to end me right here, honestly.” She smiled at the ground, eyes drifting.
Ace finally let go of Animias and they flew away in the opposite direction almost immeditally. The red eyes and brown eyes both followed after it.
“What is your probelm?? I’ve heard that you’ve hurt people before, why?!”The caramel eyed one snapped, hands drifting towards her sword.
Kacey’s attention was brought back to her, not that it wasn’t always on her. He scoffed slightly before taking a quick steps closer, and leaning towards her. His one hand grabbing at her face extremely lightly and the other behind his back.
“Pleasee’, don’t pretend like you don’t want me, Evergarden..” He boredly said, mouth pressed sideways.
That was it.
The said girl swiftlt unshlethed her weapon and cut off a few strands of his hair. The males eyes widened as he moved back slightly and she mocked him, holding her weapon infront of her.
“What’s the matter? Plus, why would I ever enjoy that? Your some sick creep who can’t leave people alone, and insanely obessive is a major turn off.” She hissed.
The brunette blinked a few times before breathing out a short laugh. The long haired girl only scowled harder.
“Are you gonna’ kill me?! Please do! i wanna’ die, and to die at the hands of you would be an honer!” He held steady eye contact, eyes big and still shaky.
The godess made a digusted noise and pulled her sword away, not all the way back though.
“Are you insane?-Actually no, I know you are..why are you so fucking obessed with me?!” She started but changed her direction.
Kacey only tilted his head and squinted his eyes, as if he was thinking. She couldn’t understand him. Even if his movements were simaliar to..HIM.
“Because, I’ve read all about you..and you were just so..strong and pretty and self-giving. And then out of the blue, a traveller shows up and just starts helping people? Too convient.” They started explaining.
“So I watched you for a good while, nothing linked you to the wind godess, at least not yet! And then I saw it, you had your beloved sword out and stabbee it into a demon. Your pretty brown eyes had changed color and wind swirlled around you, not to mention your sword also glowed.” They laughed at the end of their final sentence.
“You’ve been stalking me?! W-How much do you know about me?! You can’t possibly know everything about me! You just can’t.” The blue haired girl startled before glaring again.
The slightly taller person only grinned unsettingly, it seemed almost like their eyes were glowing.
“No? Tell me, how do you feel about Oriean? You know, your precious fian-!” They started but where cut off by Ace grabbing them and shoving them to the ground.
The girl planted her sword right below the side of their head and she wrapped one of her hands around their neck. Kacey’s face immeditally switched and bathed in red.
“Oh! Are you going..ngh!-!” She couldn’t even mange a setence out because Ace squeezed her neck tight.
“Kill you? Yeah..I’m thinking about it. Now answer me, how the FUCK do you know about..HIM?!” She breathed out before tightening her hold on the others neck.
The short haired girl only breathed hoarsely. She had a small grin on her face and her eyes were bulging, probably from the loss of air.
Untheless, Ace let loose her hold on the pinned down one’s neck regretablly.
“As I said before, I read sooo much about..ha..you, my love…why..why can’t you just see that I love you..?” She panted before grunting out.
The godess had one of her hands on the top of her sword and rolled her wrist aganist it. Her other hand was planted besides Kacey’s head.
“Is that seriously what this is about?! Love?!” She disbeliving asked.
The other stummbled around and held her side slightly. Her eyes with those stupid, fucking heart pupils seemed to grow. She smiled, but more gently this time. It still didn’t set her unease.
“Yes, of course. I love you, I love you so much, Ace!! If you would just believe that I’m nothing like him!-!” She was cut off by the other shaking her head.
“No, your exactly like him. You sound exactly like him. Just go, go away before you force me to do something I won’t regret.” She angrily snapped before waving her off.
The brunette’s smile wavered, before dropping completly. And then, it happened. Ace felt a presence behind her but it was too late, the thing had already wrapped a hand around her throat and squeezed.
“Ack!!-Stop..! Stop stop..!” She winced before wheezing out.
Kacey only watched as the member she had inscurted to come along with her at the right time choked out her beloved. She didn’t want to hurt her beloved, she really didn’t. But Ace was just so fucking stubborn!
Speaking of, the godesses vision became dark, spots bleeding in. She weakly raised a hand and almost reached for her sword but the mortal kicked it away.
“Ah, just go to sleep, Darling. Your just making it worse by struggling.~” The now fully relaxed Kacey whispered, watching as the others eyes rolled back before falling unconcious.
The person who had choked her out still had a firm hold on her neck and was still choking out air. This made the maroon eyed person glare at them harshly.
“Fuck! Let her go already, dipshit!” They harshly said, immeditally ripping their beloved from the others arms.
The guard merly bowed slightly and Kacey scoffed. They hugged the girl’s body closer and pressed their lips into a firm line.
“Come on, let’s get out of here. We are going back to my main house, also, make sure she’s restrained well.” They bluntly explained before lifting Ace’s body bridal style and carrying her.
The guard remained unmoving for a few seconds before following after them. Was their master totally insane, oh, defentitly. But if they manged to get their way, what couldn’t they do?
The solider only shook their head, their helement making a clunky sound in protest.
The next time Ace awoke, she was in some sort of large room. The room had a chair, sitting across from her and alot of space actually. The walls were a bleak grey color and scribbled on with small notes and messages.
There were also stacks of books littered around the chair and some behind it. When she squinted her eyes, she could make out that some of them mentioned greek mythology. Her hands were tied behind her back.
“Fuck..fuckfuckfuck..! Not good..fuck how did you lose, Evergarden..?” She mummbled to herself harshly.
Her eyes also grew slightly distrubed when they landed on a specfic area, on the wall. It was a complete almost memorial or statue of the girl. There were tons of photos and even some things she owned that she thought at first she had lost, like a coin she held in her hand, or a hairtie.
The godesses wrists actually burned when she tried to yank on the ropes that tied them together. And when she tried summoning some wind magic to bring something close, or knock over the chair, it felt like something was squeezing around her heart.
After a while of this cycle, she grew exhausted. She only grew more alert when she heard the door to the room, which was on the other side, open.
“Ah, good morning, my love!~” A familar voice greeted warmly.
But whatever filled Ace when she heard that voice was anything but warm. Kacey walked into the room, looking simaliar to their regular apperance. Only now, she noticed how big their pupils were. Of course, those stupid heart pupils were always big, but now it looked like they were on something.
“Are you on something?” Was all she manged to ask.
The big eyed person only manged a bigger grin. They already a lovesick expression on their face, and it was just modiffied.
“Just my love for you, Ace.” Was all they said.
‘What a load of shit.’ was what she thought to that.
They walked over to the opposite chair, leaning aganist it as they sat.
“Did you try and escape?? Actually no, don’t answer that! I know you did, I saw you on the cameras! Cute, really.” They asked before answering it untheless.
The non-mortal was disgusted. In return actually, they were worried for Violet. Sure, they hadn’t talked much, but how would she surivive without Ace?!
“What’s with that look on your face? Are you worried about your beloved sister?” Kacey asked yet another question.
Ace only scowled at him and raised her head slightly.
“Where is she?!” She snapped, face twisted in displeasure.
The ladder only sighed, a puff of air coming out. Before, he rested his cheek in his hand and gazed at her with a lazy grin.
“I didn’t do anything to her, at least, if your good nothing will happen. I’ll send out people to check up on her and tend to her.” He brushed off her concern.
The caramel eyed other squinted her eyes at him. She didn’t like it, she didn’t like it at all. She hated being treated as if she was naive.
“What do you hope to gain in all of this?! I hope you know that I will never love you!!” She questioned, voice almost dripping with rotten intentions.
Kace only raised his expression in fake surprise. She hated the way he mocked her.
“Of course, I know that. I’m not trapping you here for love. I just don’t want anyone else to see you, or touch you, no one but me. If I can’t have you, then no one else can.” He truthfully answered.
Ace made a disgusted expression. The short haired girl took this as a sign to grab her forearm and lean a little closer.
“See? You better get used to it!~ After all, you’ll stay here until I die, because I’m a human!~” She exampled before pointing out the obvious.
“Your sick.” Was the response she got.
The marooned eyed girl actually seemed bothered by this. Her eyes darkened and she leaned even closer. Her smile faded completly.
“I’m the sick one?? No, there’s worse then me out there. Like Oriean, which one of us is better? You tell me, Ace.” She hissed.
But before the said girl could reply, Kacey had connected their lips. When the blue haired girls head went to go jolt back to break it, the others hand tugged her hair, litterally ripping a few strands out.
Her eyes were wide and her face was pale stricken. A drop of sweat rolled down her cheek and her mind was trying to make sense of what was happening.
When the other did pull away, she leaned back in her chair completly. A sickening grin rested on her face while Ace looked at her in shock and horror.
“So, which one of us is the better kisser, Evergarden?”
END
#author#fanfic#oc#wattpad#writers on tumblr#orginal post#orginal work#writing#anime and manga#fashion#yandere writing#yandere oc#x yn
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