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buckysgoldenheart · 3 years

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Unexpectedly Bitten

Vampire!Henry Cavill x Reader

Part 1 of 6 (or 7)

SO...I watched 30 Days of Night, and somehow I got to this. The plots are nothing alike and the vampires in the movie are creepy, but I figured Henry would obviously be a hot one, thus this mess was born!

This is a Vampire!Henry x Reader story where each chapter, while chronological, is a different conversation or event during the course of their evolving relationship. But we kinda just jump right in.

Summary: Your ex gets into some trouble with Vampires, and his mistakes lead the bloodsuckers back to you. After seeing you, one vampire gets a little attached and he’s taking his time deciding what he plans to do with you, but whatever it is, you’re not afraid. In fact, you might just be a little attached to him too.

Warnings: cursing, smut, violence. (Count on spelling mistakes or repeating words too often. it’s very likely.)

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Part 1: When Idiots Make Deals

Words: 1330

There was one thing everyone in your town knew: Don’t made deals with Vampires. It was an unspoken rule, a law to some. Werewolves, fine. They keep their word, and a deal with them is an honorable one through and through. Demons, wraiths, witches, The Devil—literally, anything would be better than a Vampire. But some still get entangled with them, though it never ends well. It’s as if they forget the odds of surviving these agreements. Vampires often ask for difficult things, and if you can’t deliver, you die.

Now, there was one other thing you always knew: Your ex was an idiot. An idiot who made idiotic choices and got his idiotic ass in heaps of trouble. So, when he pounded on your door in the middle of the night, sweating and panting, it was clear he’d, once again, fucked up.

“Close the door. Close the door,” Jason bolted into your apartment on shaky steps, fisting his fingers in his ash blond hair as if to tug out the strands.

“It’s one a.m., Jason.” You yawned. “What have you done now?”

He looked at you nervously, and said, “Ah, look, Y/N, I fucked up.” Shocker, you thought. “I, uh, made a deal.”

“And didn’t hold up your end again? Oh, boy, consider me stunned. Who’d you piss of this time? Another wraith?”

Jason swallowed and shook his head.

Your eyebrows scrunched together. Jason didn’t usually venture outside of wraith deals, or the occasional werewolf, but werewolves were not nearly as threatening. “Demon?”

He shook his head again, and your arms rose before they flopped back down to your sides.

“Well, witches are far and few between, and I doubt you met The Devil, so what else—” You paused, your eyes widening as Jason winced. “Have you lost your goddamn mind!”

“It was a good deal, ok? I thought I had it in the bag.”

Your heartbeat doubled in speed. “What did you promise them, Jason?”

He rubbed at the back of his neck, and his palm pulled away glistening with sweat. “Just a bit of daytime shit.”

“Bodies?” Your voice rose. Women often had to be on the lookout during the day with extra caution. It was easier to lure prey when the sun was out. Centuries old half-vampires could survive in the sun for some time, so it was they, or a rare dealmaker, who tracked females to hand over to their superiors. As it was, three women on average went missing every week.

“They mentioned something about needing a few extra for some big boss or whatever. It’s some sacrificial shit.”

“They told you their plans?” You asked skeptically. If they told him their secrets, then they probably planned to kill him anyway.

“I overheard.”

“And you ran out of time?”

He dragged a hand down his face. “Deadline was yesterday.”

“God damn it, Jason! So, you came here?”

“I don’t have anywhere else to go!”

“You don’t have anywhere to go because you keep trying to hide out in people’s houses after you fuck up! Now, get out!” You snapped, pointing at the door. “You’re going to get me killed. It’s only a matter of time before—”

You couldn’t even finish your sentence before your door slammed open and a dark silhouette illuminated by the hallway lighting filled the space. A second later, your head shot to the swooshing sound of a window being shoved up just enough for a figure to easily slip through.

This was exactly how these things--failed deals with vampires--went down. You’d heard the rumors, which you took with a grain of salt considering survivors of this same situation did not exist to confirm or deny them. But this was certainly close enough to the tales you’d heard as a child. You, of course, wouldn’t survive to confirm or deny the rumors and tales either.

The men stepped forward, closing in on you and Jason with each step, effectively trapping you. Though it was not like you would bother trying to run. They were practically twice the size of Jason. Taller, broader, stronger, and as their faces unveiled under the glow of your lamp, you noticed, insanely more attractive. Beautiful even. They were chiseled like gods, but all full-vampires were heard to be. A trick to draw pathetic humans in. After all, average people are drawn to two things in life: sex and beauty. Vampires embodied both more than any human could, even on their best day.

Before you could stare much more, you were gripped harshly by the arm and thrown to the side like a dirty dishtowel. Your body slammed hard enough into the wall to create a small dent and it jostled your brain in its skull, dizzying you enough that you could barely make out the threatening conversation yards away from you.

“Why must they always fail us?” A dark-haired vampire said to a blond. “It’s very disappointing.”

“They just don’t have it in them.”

The dark one tsked as he walked around Jason in a slow circle, sizing him up. “We give them a chance to prove themselves. They ask for whatever we can provide and all we ask in return is a few measly bodies.” He stopped his trail when he was in front of Jason again, then leaned down the five inches necessary for them to be eyelevel. “We could have had respect for you. But now what are you more than a meal, hmm?”

“G-Give me a-another day,” Jason stuttered, his whole body visibly trembling.

“That’s not how this works, blood-bag,” The blond said as he crossed his arms. “One chance, only.”

“W-What about her? You can have her!”

You did your best to lift your head only to be met with three sets of eyes on your face. One pair a glowing gray-blue. One, a dull, dark green. And the last, a cerulean so intensely bright they practically burned through your own.

Yet, those ones were soft as they scanned your features, stopping at your lips a moment longer before looking back at your ex. “We asked for three.”

“I-I can get you two more by tomorrow, I swear.” Jason’s lip quivered like the pitiful rat he was, and if you had your full strength, you’d have run up and throttled him for trading you like meat. But your body ached, and your brain was still fuzzy from knocking your head into plaster.

The vampire huffed out a deep breath, shaking his head and crossing his toned arms. “I don’t know what it is,” He said. “But I just don’t trust you.” Then he looked past Jason’s head, nodding to his friend. You jolted at the sound of bone snapping, and watched, somehow calm, as Jason’s lifeless body fell at the feet of the blond. But the view was blocked moments later when the dark-haired vampire crouched in front of your exhausted, crumpled body. He was so much more beautiful up close, and you couldn’t seem to pay attention to anything other than how perfect he was.

He studied every bit of you in silence until his friend interrupted. “So are we taking her, Henry, or is she to be a dead duck like this one,” The friend asked, then lightly kicked at Jason’s limp body.

“No need for her to die. She’s just an innocent bystander,” The vampire, Henry, said. You liked his name, it somehow suit him. You liked his voice more. He reached forward and grabbed a tip of your hair, rubbing it between his thumb and forefinger before letting go, then hummed and ran a knuckle down your cheek. “You want to come home with me, Little Lamb?”

Despite how it should have been, panic alarms did not go off in your head, but you still said, as dignified as you could, “No.”

He sighed and cocked his head. “That was not the answer I was hoping for. Unfortunately, Lamb, what you want makes little difference to me.”

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Tags: @meganwinchester1999 @dani-si @agniavateira @tumblnewby @forthebrokenheartedthings @summersong69 @starlite13 @mstgsmy @purplelove75 @defffcc @the-soot-sprite @kissthatlifeaway @atomicpaperhairdouniversity @aquariuslavenderhoney @harrysthiccthighss

#vampire!henry #henry cavill #henry cavill x reader #henry cavill imagine #henry cavill fic #henry cavill fics #henry cavill fanfic #henry cavill fanfics #henry cavill fanfiction #henry cavill one shot #henry cavill oneshot #henry cavill angst #henry cavill fluff #henry cavill smut #vampire henry #vampire henry cavill #chris evans #vampire!chris

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greekbros · 3 years

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"greek-Bros: Character headcanons

Dionysus:

He loves anything with any level of alcohol in it and his favorite is obviously wine. However, because of his godly abilities, he functions the in the same way a saltwater fish wood if you placed it in a tank of freshwater. only instead of dying instantly, he just slowly loses his powers and becomes dangerously close to being a mortal. So he usually keeps a supply of wine with him at all costs, and it really doesn't have to be his own wine, it could be any form of alcoholic beverage as long as he consumes it.

He has a mane of curly thick dark hair that accidentally acts like a pocket dimension. he can store something in there, completely forget it and then when he remembers it he can take it out with ease. nobody really cares about how he's able to do this except Athena, she hates it when Dionysus does this and it confounds her to no end, nobody really knows why she hates it but it's speculated that she just doesn't like his chaotic nature.

True to his wild natural look, he actually has two pairs of horns; curled ram horns and long bull horns. He has no memory of it he purposefully grew these horns himself or they may have resulted in his consumption of his wine....but he doesn't care find it to be more of an excuse to adorn his head with more interesting things he finds.

He doesn't have eccentric tastes per se but he does enjoy interesting looking jewelry, placing random objects in his hair and like his brother Apollo enjoys wearing whatever the hell he wants to wear. It doesn't matter if it's a woman's dress or overly ornate armor for no other purpose than to just wear it. The function of the clothing does not concern him, as long as it looks nice on him.

He's very simple god....in the same way your stoner friend is simple, he's is early philosophical for a guy has type and often times you'll see him do weird things that in reality actually have some serious purpose. For example you would pile small stones to form a tower only to have accidentally created the druidic tradition of establishing a location. Another good example would be him having decompulsive need to pile pine cones, according to him he's still trying to figure out what would be the purpose of this but he found out that pine cones are extremely flammable thus perfect as kindling.

He consistently smells of merlot and sweat, it's not that he isn't clean, it's just that with his consistent consumption of his own wine, he doesn't sweat normally anymore... He literally sweats wine thus occasionally giving his skin a pinkish tan hue occasionally, when he bathes his skin goes back to a normal olive-ish tan.

Although he's extremely lazy in some cases, people wipl often mistake him for being soft or weak, it has been noted that in terms of strength he has rivaled both Aries and Heracles in some bizarre manner. nobody really knows if this could have anything to do with his previous incarnation of being a very powerful entity of chaos or if it's just his god-given abilities.

Unlike his fellow gods, he loves being around mortals. He enjoys their nuanced lives and daily endeavors and tries his very best to keep everyone happy.

He's primarily a "good vibes" man 95% of the time and tries to keep the peace, but that doesn't stop him from either justifyingly getting angry or sitting back and watch the drama unfold without his assistant. You also kick your ass and he will do it again if he needs to.

His primary circle of friends/family are Apollo, Hermes, Heracles, Hypnos, Artemis, several nyphs and satyrs, Kale (Delphi's only competent broker/financial expert) and whom ever he can befriend. His secondary basically consists of everyone else whom I've not mentioned.

His wine can actually physically change you with prolonged consumption but with varying results. Many of his leopards for example, have obtained a pinkish, purple hue from drinking the wine dionysus has made for them especially, prolonging their life spans, raising their IQs a little and making them more docile.

On the topic of wine, Dionysus has made several different wines with different properties. He's made wine that acts very closely to a truth serum, a wine that can heal/cure nearly everything, a wine specifically for bacchanals and festivals, wine that actually doesn't effect small kids (for safety reasons) and a wine that can do miscellaneous things.

He's into everything in terms of entertainment, he's surprisingly very cultured in spite of his perceived persona as "the god of drunkards and heathens". So in truth there's never a dull moment with him.

The best to describe him is "a semi-chaotic force of existential calm". He's so chill about so many things, one can mistake this for being aloof or uncaring, but don't worry he's got your back.

He has a list of "dislikes"; he recently has a burning dislike of Romans, drinking water, entitled rude people (because you can be entitled but ultimately unaware of it in an ignorant way), having to do the same task over and over again, being sober (because he believes being drunk keeps something inside him at bay) and frogs....he finds frog to be extremely unreasonable in conversation.

In a more sensual sense, he's up for everything asking as it's not painful or would end in a possible bad way. This explains why he tries his best to stay away from Aphrodite as much as he can help himself.

He doesn't hate Ares, he just finds Ares to be a little too aggressive when it comes to the concept of fun.

He has 0 idea about the existence of some older members of the family, such as Eris for example. He literally has no idea he's not the only agent of chaos in Greece.

He had formed a secret "Drunkard's Society", it consists of other deities from around the world whose specialties occasionally revolve around making alcoholic beverages... if anyone asks yes Jesus (yes he's canon in greek-Bros as the son of "A God" of which no one really knows who) is part of the club by default for some reason sine he used his abilities to make wine. There's very little rules for the club, the only rule is that if possible, bring drinks.

Although he primarily is Pansexual, he is in an very open marriage with Ariadne. Being his only functional braincell, Ariadne is the one who keeps him grounded when making certain decisions, she pretty much completes him in the sense of companionship. She's also pretty compatible with his personality given her upbringing, in spite of her upbringing as a royal, she's always been more carefree and empathetic with her subjects. Plus she doesn't object to most of what Dionysus does but she knows when to step in as his partner on more serious matters. Deep down, Dionysus believes that Ariadne is the second reason why he's still alive. His first being "because my dad mpreg'ed me into existence".

He may or may not be aware of his previous incarnations, he gets weird dreams that feels very violent and feverish at times of a stress filled day. He knows he isn't like the other Olympic gods in many ways.

His seat in Olympia was gifted to him by his aunt Hestia. Hestia, being the oldest child of "The Big 6", felt it was time for her to "retire" from being part of the Olympic gods, no one really understood why she made this decision but she was extremely happy to give the seat dionysus as she personally felt he had a "certain spark" that felt was appropriate as her successor. He too, has no idea why he was given this gift but he assumes that if Hestia felt it was appropriate than it was.

Out of all the olympians, he has made friends with the most deities outside of Greece, second place would be Hermes and third would be Ares.

Apollo

Unlike dionysus, he's extremely calculative, considerably well sorted and more formal. There's always a visible method to what he does and everything has a scientific explanation, in contrast to dionysus's unpredictable meme energy.

He has a bizzarly faire complexion with literally no flaws and his skin almost glows with warmth. His blond hair has been known to also glow depending on the light. His eye color is the same shade as the sky with white pupils, but when it's night time his usually white pupil turns into the normal black, representing the passing of the daytime. The same thing happens to Artemis.

Being the god of the arts and sciences, he loves to educate people. Delos (his home island) is home to one of the best schools of thought in all of Greece.

His first passion of playing the lyre and it still is to this day, if he wasn't the god of the sun, he'd be the god of music.

He puts this persona of "the perfect guy" to mostly everyone he knows, with the exception of Hermes and Dionysus who pretty much know he's a big sensitive softy.

He's an extremely beautiful man with perfect mesomorphic body. He has very gentle mannerisms with a contrasting burning and passionate reaction to anything that could anger him. Pretty much, he's the embodiment of the sun, beautiful, giving, warm but he will burn you.

His personal tastes are similar to dionysus's in terms of preference of clothing. Anything goes and when he looks fashionable in anything, he especially loves wearing lose dresses because he feels the most comfortable in it. He barely sees a reason to assume clothing can be specific to gender norms, as long as it does its function, it suits him pretty well. To him, clothing is clothing.

He's one of the best chariot riders in Olympus, rivalling Triton and occasionally Hades.

He's pan/bisexual to put it best, but he seems to have an easier time forming lasting relationships with men than he does with his female relationships, as evident his mythos. He's not very sure why, and he desires to get better at it considering he actually has the most children in the pantheon.

He's an extremely loving father to his offspring, he's taught most of his children in the ways of art and sciences but is always surprised to see them flourish with their own specific passions and talents.

He thought Orpheus would be the son who's take his place if anything were to happen to him....until he was killed and sent to the underworld. Apollo still mourns for his son's death and doesn't blame Dionysus or his maenads. He believed that Orpheus's was too powerful, even for him

He chooses his lovers, not the other way around. It's an unfortunate trait he inherited from Zeus and it probably is the main factor in why he has such a difficult time with having female companions.

He literally knows about almost everything on almost every subject.

Like Ariadne, he's Dionysus's other braincell. Because of this, the two seem to have an ongoing battle of ideologies that grew into an extremely friendly rivalry to see who can get the most apostles and followers. There's no competitive energy between them, it just feels like a huge game to them.

His circle of friends oddly enough don't stop at Hermes and Dionysus, along with Artemis, his lovers and his muses, it seems Apollo has a surprisingly small circle of friends out of the "the bois". Inspite of his more intellectual relationship with Athena as a fellow scholar and "thinking person", he doesn't necessarily consider her an ally. In fact he actually has a very interesting list of possible foes that are mostly other members of the family. His number one rival however seems to be Eros, who has repeatedly caused him grief in the past, he's probably the second factor as to why he has such a complicated relationship with female companions.

He's a very accommodated individual, it baffles him till this day as to why his twin finds more comfort being in the outdoors than in Olympus, seeing how both of them were raised the same way. He doesn't like being dirty or getting too dirty, he's a bit if an introvert most of the time.

His favorite foods is anything grown under the sun. The only thing "fermented in the dark" he would ever consume is Dionysus's wine, which outside of ambrosia, is the only drink he trusts other than his own.

It may not look like it but he's actually a serious fighter. Especially loves using his bow and arrow and trains alongside with his twin sister.

Give me look pretty, but he will still kick your ass if you deserve it.... Or not he could just simply incinerate you out of existence. In terms of powers, out of the trio he actually does overpower them through natural force than anything.

His Muse's basically are a mixture between his group of female friends and essentially sisters by covenant. He's only had one relationship with one of the muses but outside of that he has NEVER once thought of any of them as calcubines. He will retaliate if anyone assumes otherwise, the reason being is because he would never harm or have any intentions of hurting any of his muses. They see him as a brotherly figure and teacher of the arts, NOT as a master.

Hermes

He's the one god in the family who's decided to make his life a lot more harder by having more hats to wear. He ironically likes it because it always makes him feel "closer to normal".

He's the hardest working of the trio, the only other individuals who works as hard as him is Hestia, Hephaestus and Hades.

Simultaneously, he loves lounging around eating his favorite snack, high energy foods. Bread, surgery fruits, nuts, anything to use to help his caloric intake for his long days of running.

He's literally fast enough to travel forward and back in time. At first, he was just found it strange when he would mention someone, it would be either in past tense or no body would have known who they were. After he found out that he was literally running forwards and back in time, he's been carefully pacing himself.

His favorite thing to do is observe anything really, especially loves seeing what happens after he effects something. For example, he could miss place a cup for no reason other than to see what will happen next.

Although being older than Dionysus, he's the shortest and "youngest looking" of the trio. His youthful complexion however has a dismal purpose. He notices that mortals find him a lot more approachable then the other gods. He primarily looks like a young lab in between the ages of 19 in comparison to Apollo's late 20 something and Dionysus's mid 20 something with a positive youthful disposition, the reason why is because in his "real" form, he actually is taller, pushing to late 20's to early 30's, has a little bit of facial hair, facially stern looking face of some hardened by life and overall "intimidating", not in an Ares sort of way....more like as if you can't really read what's on his mind. This may actually have something to do with the fact his speed could have actually been something he inherited from grandfather, Chronos. He hates his original body and does everything in his power to avoid showing even Apollo and Dionysus this version of himself.

He bisexual with a preference for women. He loves to experiment but that's when he gets in the most trouble. A great example would be the primary reason why his sort of least favorite son, Pan, is the way he is.... because he actually mated with a woman....in the form of a goat, since then, he has had to keep on eye on Pan due to his pension for causing problems....the bad kinds. His favorite children are Hermaphrodite and Hermanubis, he believes they're both his best out comes and both children have the best qualities of both parents.

He's extremely terrible at coming up with names for his children.

He dangerously takes more after his grandfather than he does Zeus physically and powerwise. Due to his incredible speed, his connection to everything from the underworld, to the intricate influences he has on mortal life, and even the fact he actually feels time catching up with him when he over runs, Zeus feared that his father's dark influence was on Hermes and protected him as much as possible from the scrutiny of his other siblings. This fed the fear that Hermes was to be the son to overthrow Zeus....until Apollo became Hermes's closest brother and friend and until Dionysus came along and basically padded the weird "dark prophecy" down to a grinding hult. Since then, Hermes secretly is forever in dept to both brothers for essentially proving everyone else's assumption of his dark nature wrong.

He has an extremely interesting relationship with his demigod brothers like Heracles and Perseus, with a lot of convincing, Hermes was able to get both Demigods to be considered full fledged gods by Zeus's blessings. Since Demigods age far more slower than normal mortals, unless consecrated into Olympus by Zeus, Hermes always consolidates his demi-siblings since he knows unlike the Gods, they will too one day die. He just really didn't want to lose his favorite half-brothers.

Out of the trio, he's seen the most shit. He's seen painful and peaceful deaths. Being a psychopomp isn't all fun and games unfortunately, it's the equivalent of being a doctor in terms of emotional disturbance. He does find it comforting that the only people who completely and fully comprehend what he internally goes through is Thanatos, Hypnos, Charon and Hades. All four of which constantly consolidate him on how he feels and that it's ok to go through the motions of what they call "indiscriminate mourning", a feeling of constent mourning for those who have no relevance to him but which one constantly feels empathy. In a dark humorous way, a demon in Tartarus suggested to remove his "empathy" to ease his suffering but Hermes refused because he'd rather have it than feel nothing.

Being the god of deception, he actually hides his insecurities and personal on-goings extremely well. He knows what's important is the present of things, he's seen death (literally and the god) and has seen what life has to offer. It's not going to stop him from having the best time with his brothers. Lucky for him, he tends to forget he's pretending and goes on as best as he wants to.

He loves animals. He's especially sympathetic to turtles and tortoises, he absolutely admires them for just being such a slow animal who can also be close to home. He recently discovered sloths in the continent that will soon be discovered as South America, and is completely enchanted by their slowness. He also loves 'racing' with faster animals like horses and antelope.

He is the only living being Cerberus let's through in and out of the underworld. Mostly because Cerberus never seems to catch him, thus the beast doesn't really bother, plus Hermes always brings treats for him so that helps.

The wings on his helmet are emotive when active and melds into the metal when inactive. Being the most 'human' of the trio, he can slip into a crowd unnoticed.

Out of the trio he seems the most normative, being more down to earth like Artemis. However he doesn't show the same amount of contempt for the pampered life of a god as much as Artemis does, he's comfortable where ever.

Like Dionysus, he has a very wide range of companions, friends and allies. he doesn't have a lot of enemies that he can name but he does have a bit of a complicated relationship with Ares. He doesn't really hate Ares, but he does enjoy occasionally making a fool out of him. Ares in truth doesn't mind this considering Hermes did save him from some Giants who put them in an urn....is early enough it's not that he's indebted, it's just that when he threatens to kill her is it really isn't anything.

Hermes enjoys antagonizing people isn't very fond of. Hera specifically, he tries to find every way to anger her as much as possible. Even if it results at some else's expense.

He can and will, consentingly fuck your wife. And he would do it again.

Juxtaposed to his complicated and emotionally heavy job as a psychopomp, he's an absolute funnyman. It even borders on 'Bugs Bunny' like antics.

#greek bros #dionysus #apollo #im sorry if this takes away from the mystery of some of the characters #but I just had to make this list for the sake of character development and maybe even some help with the story going on #hermes #ares #I will make another list for a series of characters but that'll take a little more time for development #greek gods #greek mythology #hellenistic #apparently in Greece if your name starts with an h that just means you're a hard worker by default #also I'm sorry for the very angsty head cannons for Hermes #he's bizarrely a lot more deep than I expected him to be #also please don't complain about the sexuality of the characters considering everyone technically is pan or bisexual #with the exception of the virgin goddesses #they're probably either Ace or just sexually agnostic #I don't know this is my first time actually putting sexuality as a factor in these lists #please don't be mad at me educate me politely #character study #character development

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partnersatfazbear · 3 years

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Analysis of The Real Jake (SPOILERS)

I can't decide whether to make this post a stream-of-consciousness style or group it into evidence for x... but since it's easier, I'll just write my thoughts as I go. Although a lot of this is factual ties to, say, FNAF 4, things like relating Margie to Henry are just my own headcanon and you can do with that what you will AKA don't take this all too seriously, but have fun with it. There’s also specific notes about Michael Afton, for those that just want to know what was said regarding him (presumably).

Before I start, please note I've had three hours of sleep in the last... 28 hours? IDK I can't math, especially not on this little sleep. So, there may be errors. I tried to make a note on things I was unsure about, too.

Note: I wrote this before the Evan=CC theory was all but confirmed. Although I believe this theory from the logbook, I think a lot of these notes are still valid.

Read my notes under the cut:

Margie shares similar physical appearance to Henry: Pg 84 “The window fan blew a lock of her shoulder-length brown hair across her upper lip so it looked like she had a mustache.”

“Mrs. Afton” stand in is mentioned: Pg 86 “...it had been four years since his Mom had died...” (Jake is 9 in the story)

I notice when Scott mentions plaid. Pg 87 “...a green-and-blue plaid plush chair...” I mostly wanted to note this since canonically, Henry had a green plaid shirt.

“William” stand in is mentioned. Pg 89 “And you know he thinks about you [Jake] all the time?” “So, he has to concentrate on what he's doing... ...I don't want him thinking about me and end up shooting himself in the foot or something.” Pg 102 “Yeah, I did. [I spilled some chocolate ice cream] Right on my shirt!” Pg 122 “I did that today! [While playing a DDR like game, breaking a shoelace.]” (Admittedly, I only counted these because I headcanon William is much more of a bumbling fool than he appears. It comes up very often as you can see... although you could write it off as Evan just trying to relate to his kid.)

“William” stand in is mentioned. Pg 92 “...Margie was pretty sure Evan couldn't afford to replace a washer and dryer” and “...Evan, at his rank, could barely afford her” Pg 110 “Gillian's house shared stlying with Evan's, but hers was probably four times bigger.” (Again, I headcanon William and his family is on the low end of middle class, if not lower, in terms of income. Particularly, the house is cramped.)

“Mrs. Afton” stand in is mentioned. Pg 93 “First, Jake's Mom was killed.” Pg 139 “The mom's dead.” (You could infer that she died via something akin to a car crash in the context of the story, however if you reflect it to the games given the commonalities, I like to think of this as confirmation that William murdered her, given the word 'killed' is used.)

Margie records herself on her cell phone. Pg 93 (and on other pages) (Again referencing my headcanon for Henry, in which he records ideas/diaries often. At minimum, Henry is referred to as “Cassette Man” in PizzaSim so... I just thought it could make for an interesting comparison.)

Jake mentions his “friends”. Pg 99 “Patty and Davey... Vic... and the twins... Ellie and Evie... Kyle, Clay, and Garrett” (Also, he isn't mentioned until later, but there's his best friend Brandon, too. I noted these in reference to CC talking about his 'friends', either IRL or the plushies. I assume his IRL friends are the MCI victims. The number doesn't add up though. I really, really wanted to make a connection about the twins, considering Charlie and Sammy are twins, but there wasn't enough evidence to write it off as anything other than a coincidence. Also... Clay, really? We need another double name in this series? Ugh.)

What's your favorite flavor? Chocolate Pg. 102 “What flavor did you get?” “Chocolate. Duh.” (This is a stretch, but it did remind me of Help Wanted's final level in the main game, where you're asked to choose your favorite cake flavor. Although, they're discussing ice cream here.)

Maybe some insight into William's personality? Pg. 103 “You ever do that, Evan?” “What?” “Let off steam.” “Me? No. Steam is pretty much what keeps me going.” (Just more evidence that William is obsessed with his work. You could imply “steam” implies he runs like a machine, but that's stretching a bit.)

Pg. 113 -118 (Jake climbs out of his window to run off to play at the arcade with his friend. Obvious parallel to the child in Midnight Motorist, although it's daytime and no animatronics/fursuits luring him.) There is this, on Pg 121 also. Jake says, “We played all the racing games. I love racing games.”

PURPLE Pg 121 “...did you get a slushie at the arcade? I got one. I got grape. It turned my tongue purple.” “My tongue's purple, too!” “Purple power!” (Uh, do I really need to explain this? I should note that Evan is the one mentioning “grape”. I guess William likes grape flavor and purple.)

'Michael' is mentioned. Sort of a stand in for Michael Afton, but it should be noted that Michael and Evan are brothers in this universe. Pg 126, 127 “Michael...lived in Europe for a few years...” “Michael's a serious dude. He's, well, a little different. He's intense about making money...the way he is about it... can make him seem like he's not human.” “So, he's like a cyborg with bad programming?” Michael has some dialogue: “You must excersize caution. You could get chocolate on my suit, and that would be bad. Very, very bad.” (The very very bad thing is a running joke in the family, which is why this comes up. I don't have a lot to say about it, though. I think Michael [Afton] being obsessed with money seems a bit counter intuitive to how we know him, but who knows? I also want to note that Evan doesn't seem antagonistic towards Michael; in fact, he “hate[s] to ask him for favors”.)

Also, Pg 141 “His [Michael's] flat, gruff voice was unmistakable.” Michael is also the first one to hear his father is dead and informs Margie about it. “I have been notified that Evan's dead.” Pg 142 “She had only met Michael the one time, and she knew the way he processed the world was very different from what was “normal”” Michael also states to Margie: “I've got Evan's will... you're Jake's guardian and he left you the house and some savings. I'm the executor.” Margie also says: “He[Michael]'s a numbers genius, manages money for the wealthy people and has made a killing doing it.” “He's not a bad guy. He just doesn't know how to connect. He doesn't feel the way we do.” (Just more Michael characterization.)

Direct FNAF 4 easter egg references: Pg 128 “...the IV stand lurking in the corner of the room” Pg 129 “...and the line of perscription medication bottles marching across the top of the chest of drawers”

Margie is more than a nanny and possibly in love with Evan: Pg. 139 “She'd come to love Evan, too... like a brother.” Pg 140 “...she was included in the outings, movie nights, game nights, and storytelling time...” Pg 149 “...she wanted Evan to be more than just a boss, and being in his room when he was gone made her feel like a lovelorn stalker.” “Love him like a brother... She snorted. Boy, had she been lying to herself.” Pg 158 “What she was feeling called for a screaming fit or a total mental breakdown.” (Yeah, this is just me reading too much into this for Willry content, haha... But still. I am determined that Margie is a Henry stand-in.)

'I will put you back together' Pg 140 “I'm trying to bring you home whole.” (Evan is discussing “no man left behind” with his son, Jake. I think this is obvious.)

William's home office? Pg. 149 “When he was home, she'd go in and vacuum or put away laundry... ...when he was gone...coming in here felt like an invasion of privacy.” “Evan's room would be her room.” “...I'd feel like I was sleeping in your bed, she thought.” “...the room felt discretely masculine.” “The walls were covered in family photos.” “The shelves were stuffed with fiction... mysteries to classics, nonfiction... how-to books...from rebuilding a car engine to planting a garden.”

FNAF 4 reference. Pg 152 “Outside, a dog barked.” (You can hear a dog barking as ambient noise during nights when playing FNAF 4.)

Other notes:

It happens a lot, but one of the main things in the book is the doll Simon and how Jake talks to it. This is very blatantly a reference to the Golden Freddy Plush (“Psychic Friend Fredbear”). The story confirms it's Jake's father, Evan, talking through it. Although it makes the one scene in FNAF 4 a little wonky (the only scene where we see Purple Guy), I think it's pretty much confirmed that it's William talking to CC now. Obviously, we already suspected this due to Sister Location's “Secret Room”. In this story, Evan says he did it because he wanted to give Jake some hope he would live. Combined with both the IV/medicine bottle easter eggs (in the story and FNAF 4) I think it's plausible to assume that CC was taken home after the Bite of '83 for a period of time before he passed away. I will admit, also, that Evan definetly comes off as a very caring father (in comparison to how we presume William is based on what we've seen of him as a person; although I argued this before on this blog, I don't think William hates his kids. I think he's neglectful, moreso as the story goes on. I think he resents Michael for many reasons but I won't go into that here. I just don't think he's the abusive monster the fanbase interprets him to be—at least not early on.)

The cabinet reminds me a lot of the closets in the novel series. A built in shelf with a doll in it. A doll that represents a child. Considering Margie tends to this doll (see Pg. 130-135), I have to draw more parallels between her and Henry.

The fan is mentioned A LOT. I don't really know why, but I guess we can't help but think of every single FNAF office when it's brought up. Specifically, on Pg. 106, Margie mentions the fan in her room is as loud as a jet engine and the sound made her nervous. Once again, I'm reminded of PizzaSim. Seriously, screw you fan.

The heat is mentioned a lot, too. I know the story takes place in summer, but this did remind me of Pizza Sim.

Pg. 93 “Margie sat down in the faded blue webbed lawn chair that was set up, for reasons she never understood, in front of the shelves by the stairs.” (I noted this because it's specifically called out and I don't know why.)

Margie talks about why she's working for Evan: Pg. 95 “I didn't get the internship I applied for.” I like to think her and Mia (from 1280) were after the same internship. (I may be misremembering, but I'm pretty sure Mia mentioned an internship at the hospital.)

Jake is mentioned to have brown hair, green eyes. His favorite color is green. He also wears green often. I couldn't find anything really interesting about it. It would make more sense as a Puppet reference, tbh (because of the green bracelet (and eyes? I may be remembering wrong) I guess it's also worth noting that Elizabeth has green eyes.

Pg 135 “Are you afraid people will think you're murdering me?” “...I could end you so quickly you'd never make a sound.” (Just an odd conversation between Jake and Margie. Margie is joking here, obviously.) Also, Pg. 136 “I just figured your [Jake's] wires got crossed or your circuits were frying.” (Admittedly, I don't know what to make of this. Could be a reference to Robot-CC, if you believe that or MikeBot [I don't], but more likely just ironic dialogue. It could also reference Jake's future in the Stichwraith?)

Pg 139 “Sometimes, Margie wished she was like one of the robots Jake liked so much.” (Although I can't really compare this to Henry, I did write William with this mindset and thought it was worth mentioning.)

Pg 141+ So, Evan dies overseas (he's a soldier). (I think this could be hinting that William has been springlocked around the time CC passes away. Jake has been home for some time after his diagnosis so we can infer based on that and the easter eggs that CC was brought home to die in peace. At the very least, William's probably very absent during this time. Possibly brought in for questioning but not arrested. I don't know. I feel like there's something to this.)

Pg 154 “Dave's at work.” (Why? Can we not use established names? Aghhh)

Pg 155 “The ambulance arrived at 11:32.” (I don't know why this is stated so outright. I couldn't find a reason, except that a few paragraphs earlier they say it will arrive by noon. I don't know why it's so specific, but I felt like noting it anyway.)

Pg 159 “Five people. Five sets of eyes. And none of them noticed...” (Yeah. We all know how important 5 is in FNAF.)

Three medical personel are mentioned. One at the end is named Nancy [No Last Name Given], but I like to think its a reference to Man in 1280 and we're dealing with Heracles Hospital once more, although it's never said in this story. Speaking of, the only thing that really stood out to me in 1280's story was that a billionare funded the restoration of the hospital. I like to headcanon that was Henry's doing—I imagine him obscessing over overcompensating for his mistakes by giving back in every way possible, even if it isn't directly related to him.

So, this post only took two hours of my life. I hope someone gets some use out of it, be it for my intended Willry purposes or maybe those Michael fans that are curious about it. If you enjoyed this post, let me know. I'd love to write up more of these if I have the time.

I have other write-ups on this blog, too. Just search fnaf theories on my blog page!

#fazbear frights #spoilers #blackbird #the real jake #michael afton #william afton #henry emily #crying child #willry #helliam #fnaf 4 #five nights at freddy's #fnaf #fan theory #fnaf theories #fnaf theory

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chcfasher · 4 years

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okay i am so excited to get to plotting & interacting with all u cuties ! bare with me though , im also trying to study for a quiz i gotta take later tonight . anyways , i’m mia aka your resident masshole reporting for duty . i’m 20 years old ... will be 21 in june ( fingers crossed my Sad ass will be out of q*arentine by then ) . i go by she / her / dumb bitch pronouns & am very much so done talking about myself already . so lets get to my boy asher here who is ... how do you say ? a asshole ? a dirt bag ? a soft baby boi ? if you wanna plot & discord is easier for you shoot me a mssg @ 𝖒𝖌𝖐'𝖘 𝖜𝖍𝖔𝖗𝖊#9789 . lets goooo 💛

𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋 𝐃𝐄𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐒

full name: asher james bennett nickname: ash , aj birthday: march 25 , 1996 zodiac: aries hometown: madison , wisconsin ( click here to see his parents house / childhood home ) current residence: los angeles , california ( although he lives in the villa with everyone , before the year away he lived on his own & still owns the home , both because he loves the place and because it gives his family somewhere to go when they come out click here to see his house ) vehicle: 2017 jeep wrangler rubicon in black ( click here ) , 2019 maserati granturismo in red ( click here ) gender: cismale orientation: heterosexual , heteromantic relationship status: single ( it’s complicated ) family: tamara marie bennett-abbott ( mother ) , harrison charles bennett ( father , deceased ) , mason billings abbott ( stepfather ) , bradford sawyer abbott ( brother ) , stephanie anne bennett ( sister ) education: vocational highschool graduating from the culinary program , graduated ucla with a bachelor in management with a minor in food studies occupation: celebrity chef , tv personality net worth: 19.7m height: 5′11″ weight: 161lbs tattoos: left arm ( x , x ) , right arm ( x , x , plus the butterfly tattoo jack has ) , right hand ( x ) , right thigh ( x ) , left leg ( x ) criminal record: arrested ( x6 ) - simple assault ( x2 ) , assault and battery ( x1 ) , disorderly conduct ( x2 ) , criminal mischief ( x1 ) , criminal trespassing ( x2 ) , minor in possession of alcohol ( x2 ) , drug possession ( x1 ) drugs / alochol / smoking: yes , mostly marijuana though / yes / no moral alignment: chaotic neutral hogwarts house: slytherin theme song: righteous by juice wrld ( a look at his mental health and the way it he attempts to cope ) & i am by james arthur ( deep dives into his view on himself and how outside opinions of him have effected the way he sees himself ) & empty space by james arthur ( instead of being about a girl this really encapsulates how the loss of his father has affected his life ) traits: charismatic , well-intentioned , affectionate , loyal , jocular , reckless , immature , flippant , short-tempered label: politicians son , miscreant , fuck boy , broken bird , mr. misunderstood , mama’s boy , epicure hidden talents: drawing , singing , master at rubiks cube , skilled card counter ( blackjack )

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃

asher was born just eleven months after his sister stephanie , to at the time lobbyist harrison bennett & prosecutor tamara bennett . a menace as a child , he made dennis the menace look like a saint , basically . at first his parents hoped this was simply just a phase but as time went on it became very clear that if it were a phase it was going on for much longer than his parents had hoped . his sister immediately taking on the spot of prodigal daughter , while asher took on the spot of black sheep of the family . this didn’t mean that his parents didn’t absolutely adore both of their children , because they did . both taking on daddy’s little girl & mama’s boy respectively , early on .

around the time asher was seven both of his parents were up for office , his mother for district attorney & his father for u.s representative from wisconsin . the influx of cameras / eyes on the bennett family mixed with the level of stress both his parents were under completely put asher off from the world of politics . despite being in a family that had generational ties to politics on both sides . during a family appearance asher was captured on camera ( both video & photo ) putting up a piece sign behind his sisters head during a speech his father was giving .

[ tw: death , suicide , loss of a parent ] when asher was twelve his father went on a boating trip with friend , call it a boys trip if you will . two days into the trip news broke of his father being in a major boating accident where harrison was the only one on the boat & was dead upon being found . it later was confirmed by the coroner that his death was likely a suicide . the loss of harrison was hard on the entire family , it was easy to say it affected asher heavily having locked himself away in his bedroom for nearly a week only leaving his room to go to the bathroom & grab food that he’d return to his room to eat . later , when he returned to school he was suspended just in that school year three times . it was genuinely the beginning to the incredibly reckless version of asher , that we seen since .

despite his antics he played varsity football as a cornerback & varsity soccer as a midfielder . taking up sports at an early age , it was clear he was a born athlete who genuinely enjoyed a little competition . he also took an interest in culinary , he was very much so that kid standing on a step stool as he helped his parents in the kitchen . this interest turned into him attending a vocational / trade highschool instead of an ordinary public school , like he had in elementary & middle .

when he was fifteen he started a youtube channel where he posted cook with me videos weekly & vlogged his experience within the culinary program at school .

during highschool his mom started getting serious with a professor at the local university . asher , of course , hated the idea of his mom replacing his dad and it took nearly two years & an engagement for him to actually sit down & listen to his mom about the situation . it wasn’t until then that he realized , mason , was supposed to replace his father ... it was simply his mom not allowing herself to get stuck in one place in life & fall into a spiral . once he actually heard her side he gave the guy a chance . turns out the two have alot in common & get along very well . he’ll never replace his father but he respects him none the less .

before he’d even graduated highschool , asher amassed over 1m subscribers , made appearances on the ellen degeneres show & rachel ray show . this was around the time he realized he wanted to turn his hobby into something more than that & hell he was good enough to do so . when graduation came , he’d already committed to attending ucla as a business major with a minor in food studies .

soon after graduation he went on the show master chef , finishing as runner up , which was one hell of a feat given he’d been the youngest chef on the show . he enjoyed the experience & recognition the show gave him .

while at ucla he continued to play football he was so good he was receiving national attention to the point where nfl scouts were looking at him . obviously he was still too young to go into the draft but they let him know , this was something that was more than on the table . it was definitely something he loved hearing but at the end of the day , the nfl was never really the goal for asher . so toward the end of his sophomore season when he was suspended for the rest of the season for getting arrested & charged with drug possession & criminal trespassing he took that as the excuse not to return the sport the following season .

this was not the first time ( we know it was not the last *wink wonk* ) asher was arrested . from the end of his middle school days throughout highschool he’d racked up four arrests . his first one taking place in eighth grade & the only reason the misdemeanor charges actually went through were because his mom asked for them to in hopes that it would scare asher from acting out in such a fashion ever again . unfortunately , his actions were rooted in much more than teen rebellion having never accepting or being able to cope with his father’s passing . the charges & arrests that would follow his mom was able to cover up & kind of bury them . that way word didn’t spread like wildfire about her reckless son .

not even a full year removed from football & he’d accepted a tv show offer from food network . a show called asher’s kitchen a primetime half-hour show where a new chef would come on each week if they beat asher in making a 3-course meal they win bragging rights & $20,000 , if they don’t they go home empty handed . despite the shows constant high ratings asher grew bored of the show & left after only two seasons . the network tried to replace him but quickly learned asher’s personality was what really carried the show .

in 2018 , he went on to open his first ever restaurant the smoking goat an american bistro with an upscale vibe in the heart of los angeles . the place is literally his baby & if you can’t find him you can bet your bottom dollar you’ll find him there . whether it’s catching up with regulars or big name celebrities coming through the doors , or throwing on a chef coat and cooking up some of his very own specials .

around the time of his restaurant opening he started to let up on the youtube channel & it’s now been nearly two years since he’s uploaded & honestly has no intent on returning to the platform . in asher’s eyes , everything has a term limit & his youtube channels time was up .

𝟐𝟎𝟏𝟗 / 𝐑𝐀𝐃𝐈𝐎 𝐒𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄

the timing of his amsterdam arrest was to say the least , horrific . not only was he in talks with several networks ( fox , cbs , netflix , etc ) to have his own daytime food-focused talk show but his mother was at the beginning stages of her 2020 presidential campaign , which she had since put a halt to and decided to continue on with her tenure as a u.s senator from wisconsin . with the headlines of his arrest spreading like wildfire , the internet resurfaced many of his earlier transgressions , the networks inevitably put a halt to going any further in negotiation & the political realm began to turn their attention to the kind of parent the senator was to have a son so ... out of control ? her opposition questioning how she could run a country if she couldn’t so much as raise a law abiding son .

upon his release from jail he took a jet straight home to wisconsin . with the realization of how much harm he’d done to the bennett reputation he made the personal promise to stay away from the media ( no social media , no tv , nothing ) & be the son the political world expected from a politician . his mother ( who is emulated mostly after laura baker from all american ) nearly begged him not to halt his life as a way of personal punishment for his actions . but after months back home & away from the limelight , asher could see the tides turning back in his moms favor & no big network offer ( and there were quite a few that came his way after the news of his arrest subsided ) could pull him back out into the forefront .

instead opening his second restaurant bennett’s , an upscale bar & grill in the capital city of wisconsin . he also began work on a cook book that’s kind of taken on a life of it’s own but he’s yet to be anywhere close to finishing that .

he has inevitably decided to come back & reunite with the bling ring a year later after his family sat him down & kind of had an intervention with him over his persistence to punish himself . claiming they feel he’s matured & gotten a good grasp on himself & that they don’t think he’ll fall into his bad behaviors again . ( spoiler alert: they’re going to be very wrong about this ... just saying / he’s going to return with the intent of being a better guy , being on the “ right track “ but lets be real it’s going to quickly spiral out of control as per usual ) .

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘

as you can probably tell this boy is no good . he’s the guy your parents warn you about , i swear , he will get you into so much trouble & bask in the glory of being the one to give you such an adrenaline rush . he’s big on being here for a good time & not a long time . he just wants to have fun , at any cost . he’s extremely goofy , the kind of guy to whip out some mediocre wrestling moves on you for the sake of getting attention . he doesn’t take much seriously ... until he does ? what im saying is homeboy has one hell of a short temper and once he’s flipped his fuse , he basically blacks out . the reason for this is because no matter how happy & full of life he’d like to come off he has this deep well of anger that swells in him ever since he lost his dad . also a topic that can get him clenching his jaw , do not under any circumstances bring up harrison bennett . very much so a mama’s boy , though , catch him facetiming his mom once a day to tell her how much he loves her & see how she’s doing . he can come off very uncaring at times , it’s easy to say he’s probably one of the most misunderstood people around . he comes off like a douchebag , like someone who has little regard for others & don’t get me wrong he often is both of those things but he isn’t heartless ? when he has time to sit back and think about the damage he does ... it hits him like a mack truck & he goes into a pretty dark place of feeling like he’s a villain but he wants to be the hero of the story ? not very big on apologizing , verbally . if he says sorry you can bet a smug grin is following behind the words . instead he’s big on buying things & even cooking to show he’s sorry . probably not the best way to go about things but this is asher we’re talking about here . he is a flirt & will fuck anything . that’s all i have to say about that . onto his friends ? whew are his friends his world . he is a big proponent of bros before hoes & is an extremely loyal guy - to his friends . a true ride or die type a guy , he’d help he hide a dead body without any explanation at so what happened . a big move now ask questions later kinda dude .

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

BREATHE BY JAMES ARTHUR : he has a soft spot for her . he always has . she’s one of the only girls who doesn’t drool over him , they’ve never hooked up to any extent and that’s due in large part to her telling him from the beginning that the only way she’d give him a chance was if he straightened up his act & proved to her that he was worth her time . if there is a girl out there who can asher for the better , it’s her . but everytime she thinks she’s gotten him on the right path , she catches him either acting out or reverting to his fuck boy ways & getting with girl’s who he doesn’t have to put so much work into .

SAME SQUAD BY P-LO : let’s be real these three originated “saturdays are for the boys” . they’ve been boys for as long as they can remember . if you see one of them around you can rest assured the other two are in the vicinity . they’re the best of friends . they know everything there is to know about each other . all a bit reckless , but that’s what makes them such a fun trio . a very homiesexual bond takes place between these three & nothing & nobody could get between them .

CLOSE FRIENDS BY LIL BABY & GUNNA : they were once good friends , things spiraled past the point of their control , lines got blurred & then they were dating . the relationship as a whole was one no one thought would last . to give them credit things were good at first but after he cheated & she found out from a friend about it things started to go down hill . things only got worse when he was persistent in lying to her about the situation . she inevitably took him back & not too much later the arrest in amsterdam happened . before he was even released from jail , she was sent a video of him & one of his friends talking about sleeping with a prostitute . although it never happened the fact that was his intent was enough for her . his expectation was that because she forgave him before she’d wipe away the pain of him once again not having regard for their relationship & forgive him but she just couldn’t . when he came out to her forwarding the video to him , he decided to ignore the situation completely . the two have not had any contact for nearly a year & never really broke up or spoke about the situation .

NO FRAUDS BY NICKI MINAJ & DRAKE & LIL WAYNE : the perfect ride or die squad . the media likes to say someone in the trio is dating at any point in time but , that’s just not the case . these three are always getting into something . the true depiction of always having your friends back . they will lie for each other , fight for each other , anything to prove their loyalty to each other .

i also have some musing posts here , if you want to give that a look !

#𝓲. ‹ 🍾 › 𝓪𝓼𝓱𝓮𝓻 𝓫𝓮𝓷𝓷𝓮𝓽𝓽 ◟ INTRO .#bling:intro

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the-dyslexic-blogger · 4 years

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so this is where it begins

So, Hi I'm Dino (obviously not my real name but I wish it were haha). There is a trigger warning to self-harm, mention of suicide and depression.

I'm 20 and attending university a few of my friends have done some blogs, so I decided this is where I'm going to start.

As a reader, I thought you'd better known I have dyslexia. Hence, it is a big step to write a blog as, usually, I'm not too fond of it (the dreaded writing spelling and grammar NOOO), But here we go.

In my lifetime, I've been through a lot of crap to get to be who I am today( I will probably talk about some of this in other blogs.) Of course, the aftermath of having a lot of crap happen to you is a lot of issues in the future and a lot of trauma.

There is a daily struggle with mental health. Everything is a battle most days I have to drag myself out of bed which is so very hard to do many little tasks that are easier for other like showering I find is a massive task (thanks depression love you too). Most nights I'm up to the early hours of the morning fighting the demons in my head screaming at me to give in and will not shut up until I give in to the blade and feel the sweet relief of pain as I cut myself. The blood flows out of wherever I've cut it from, Even after this it's not the end of the battle, I get a big hit off of the guilt about doing it, so I don't sleep whatsoever so am tired all the time. In the daytime dark thoughts still spinning around my head, monsters breathing down my neck. Throughout the day, they are lingering over me, waiting for me to mess up somehow and then reminding me of this mistake all day.

The night time is when they are the loudest when everyone I could turn to is asleep. Still, I don't want to bother my friends with my shitty problems 'they don't care. "They don't like you' the demons whisper in my ear when I pick up the phone to text someone, To scream out and get help for my head trying to kill me, haunting me dark thoughts taking over my mind full of darkness and nightmares no light left I'm alone with my thoughts so, I give in and let the demons take over like a bring me the horizon quote 'it comes in waves, I close my eyes Hold my breath and let it bury me I'm not okay, and it's not all right '. I'd say night time is like a tight rope your battling to staying it while monsters are trying to push you off watch you fall to your death some people make it, but some fall off. I always cant get the thought of they (The demons) have been there when no one else was. They have never left me like everyone does.....

Its been about eight years since I started cutting I've been self-harming for a while I can't remember exactly when I began, it began as hitting myself hard. , it only developed into cutting in year seven. I was bullied a lot, so this triggered me to start cutting myself. I felt worthless and like I deserved it everyone hated me so I may as well hate myself too. It began to get worse when my best friend I'd known since I was in primary school killed herself. The guilt consumed me whole, and I became a shadow of who I used to be I was no longer that sweet innocent child who had no care in the world. I was a self-destructive monster who wanted nothing less than to hurt me and wanted nothing more than have me dead. (I'm not going into the suicidal thoughts in this one yet maybe in a future blog.) Yet no one knew. I wouldn't show any emotions expect happy I was 'hyper ', but it was all an act to stop the evil thoughts consuming me and not to let anyone worry about me I didn't deserve that. I'd tell myself daily that I deserve the pain that I cause myself.

I tried to get help for the bullying at school, but my school made it worse so from then forward I shut down completely refused to talk to anyone about my depression. I didn't have a pleasant childhood my parents were abusive (again not going into that in this one). I didn't have many friends, so I never felt good about myself. This was all a massive kick at my self-esteem. It was only until year 11 when my games teacher noticed me as always wearing long sleeves in the blistering heat when we were playing rounders.

It was a childcare lesson she took me aside and took me to the school nurse then I'll never forget how my heart dropped when she said "roll your sleeves up" I first refused. She suggested that she'd go outside the room and to show the school nurse to make sure they wasn't infected or anything so I agreed to this. After this miss brown was the most supportive and she'd been. School became a bit easier from then. We started talking more and more each lesson I enjoyed her company.

One of my bullies who I am very close to now, and we talk a lot came up to me and apologized for what she has said to me in the past. I forgave her, and we sat and chatted about things I let her open up, and she had been through a lot of shit as well, and I felt terrible and told her she could talk to me. After this we became friends, and we talk now and then.

At this point, I was still self-harming and being bullied even cyberbullied to the point the police was involved. Another traumatizing event happened during this time I put my trust into the wrong person and regretted it. I still regret it today and hate myself. But we will cover that in another blog.

I did my GCSEs did pretty well, and life was okay even though I was still at home my self-harming was still a thing, That summer my sister found out about it she asked I told her not to tell mum. Guess what she did TOLD MY FUCKING Mum. My mum was in a lousy mood came to me shouted at me to take my jumper off, so I did she saw the cuts and had a go at me took my phone off me and grounded me and more which I'm not going to go into yet. It was horrible of course I cut again and again and felt suicidal she made me feel so worthless and alone.

Starting college for the first time was stressful and made my anxiety so bad. The first year of college was when I began therapy Tamsin was my therapist. She was lovely, helped me a lot. My self-harming didn't stop but reduced a bit whereas before the sweet relief of the blade and saw how much id bleed was most nights. It was like it was part of my routine. Go to school/college get home to wait till everyone is asleep then cut my night away.

Then lie in bed and stare at the ceiling thinking of how worthless I was and how I want to be dead how I wish I could cut deeper and made it worse for myself. This reduced a bit it wasn't every night, but most nights it was rough and never thought it would consume my life as much as it did never thought id still be here struggling with it.

I've cut myself a few times where I think I probably should have gone to the hospital, but I didn't. One of these times was in my next college it was rough as my original college had told me I wasn't good enough, And that I Wouldn't make it, so I moved to a new college. One of the first weeks there I remember cutting very deep and panicking it was a hot day I was at work and had got home and felt stressed over things and cut my arm badly. I wrapped a sock on it was all I had and texted my girlfriend she told me to find my mate I walked into town found my mate we went to the shop got some supplies sat on a bench and patched it up. I knew a paramedic, so I texted them asking them what I should do they told me to put alcohol on it, Once I got in I put some rum into a small glass went upstairs and told my dad I was going for a bath I ran the water got a wet flannel and bit it. At the same time, I cleaned it I screamed into the flannel in pain I put the water on so my parents couldn't hear me I led on the floor after this and cried to myself silently until I was done then I came out so my dad wouldn't think anything of it went back into my room and cried myself to sleep.

The second year of college wasn't too bad. I had a shit therapist who would tell me things that triggered my eating disorder and would make me feel suicidal. I remember going into her appointments feeling okay and come out feeling suicidal. I had good best mates in my life it was okay (I was still cutting through) thankfully. I am always thankful to this day my friends stopped me from going to this therapist as she made things worse I stopped seeing her for a few months if I didn't stop seeing her id be 6 feet under the ground with nothing to me but a skull.

I wasn't in therapy for a few months as I needed a break from it all until my cutting and suicidal feelings got worse, so I decided to get back into therapy with the help of my friend I had this lovely therapist called Sharon she stuck by me and suggested I go to the doctors, so I did. I was put in meds and probably diagnosed with my issues. However, id had them since I was at least eight or nine at least had some of them like anxiety. Things calmed down meds helped me but also affected me badly I got all of the side effects,( so that wasn't fun.) Still, things went pretty smoothly until university applications I was accepted into a good uni on a conditional offer. This all went wrong this was in 3rd year by the way my college fucked up and put me into The inappropriate exams I couldn't do the GCSE due to my mental health my therapist suggested I do not take it I was suicidal and cutting.

So I didn't get into the university I tried to get into another one they rejected me as I was about to give up hope my friend introduced me to clearing, and that's how I got into the university I'm in now.

Self-harm and suicidal thoughts still attack me, and I still struggle with simple things like just staying alive and not cutting. Each year I wonder am I going to make it to the next year or will I kill myself before the year ends its an achievement getting through the year and surviving it.

I have excellent people in my life now. I feel happy with where I am for the first time in my whole life. I've never felt pleased with the way things are going things usually fuck up. I'm pretty sure life will throw another obstacle my way eventually, but I'm sure one day it will get better. Self-harm will be in the past one day, not right now I'm not ready to stop altogether I can't physically do that (sorry). One day my mental illnesses will be manageable without the pain that comes with them now. Years down the line, I can say I WAS a self-harmer instead of I AM a self-harmer. That will be a while I still need to heal my emotional scars and finally be free from the monster that is depression. Depression is a war you either win or you die trying it's the worst beast of them all the strongest beast, but even the biggest worst beast can be beaten. I believe in all of you out there struggling with your depression. Suicidal thoughts depression can be beaten, look at those who have got through it google it many celebrities have depression and won the war in their head. People like Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Ellen DeGeneres and many more.

Depression is the silent killer it waits till your alone( i mean not alone physically; you could be in a room full of people and still feel alone. )

Then it strikes with false things about no one caring about you. But you are so much stronger than you think if you need support, there are people out there who care about you. You may feel alone but don't tell me in the world of billions, and billions of people, not one cares because that's not true I care.

It's okay not to be okay. I look back and see things do get better from the point I am now to the point I was six years ago things have changed, things may not work out to start with, but it will be okay. Still, they will work out one day this darkness your in will be light you won't have to struggle with the beats in your head the silent monsters that grip you with their claws and consume you alive.

So there you go that some of my battle with self-harm I will go into things a bit more in future. I hope you liked it is not the happiest (sorrrryyyyyyyyyyy ). Still, I hope I can inspire you and give you hope that it does get better and things will work out.

You probably have been told this thousand of but here is the Samaritans number they good and living is good once you get past the darkness of depression. You will get through this your strong enough!

Stay strong fighter!

love

Dino xx

summations:116 123

#blog #mental health #self destruction #self healing #self harrrm

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wenqtranslations · 6 years

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Mo Dao Zu Shi 魔道祖师 - Chapter 3

魔道祖师 Translation Project by 杨文秋（为了学读中文）

It’s actually incredible how fast reading improves your language skills. I have to admit, I’m already on chapter 12 (edit: just finished reading chapter 12, it’s freaking beautiful I’m in tears). I did half the translation for this chapter while I was reading it, then I came back to it this morning and finished it off -- some of the paragraphs I’d puzzled over in my first parse suddenly made sense! Anyway, enough excitement from me X)

Recently I’ve been reading Donald Keene’s translation of Osamu Dazai’s seminal works (finished “No Longer Human”, in the middle of “The Setting Sun” atm), and this got me thinking about translation in general -- given both Japanese and Chinese are asian languages, I’d imagine they share much of the same peculiarities. Keene did a really great job, I think. The crux of his skill is the ability to convey the same message in fewer words (isn’t that poetry?) but it’s much easier said than done.

Chapter 3

Wei WuXian’s immediate thought was – could it be possible that the young cultivators made an error in their flag formation?

Just a small moment of incaution could brew a calamity. That’s why he’d gone intentionally to check the inscriptions on the shade summoning flag, in case of an error. Hence, when the two cultivators dragged him away, Wei WuXian meekly let them manhandle him.

The East Hall was very quiet, though the numbers gathered around the Mo household during the day time had not diminished. All the servants and their relatives had come out, still rough from sleep - some of them still in their underclothes, hair a mess, faces pinched in fear. The Mo Mistress was slumped, stunned on a chair. The corner of her eyes appeared stained with tear tracks, her eyes still wet and shiny. But when Wei WuXian was dragged inside, that tear shine turned into a cold light of resentment.

On the ground lay a person shaped thing. The body was covered with a white cloth, leaving only the head exposed. Lan SiZhui and the other disciple were bent over the corpse, conversing in a low voice, a grave expression on their faces. Wei WuXian caught their words.

“… it has not yet been a candle’s length since you found him?”

“He’s just deceased. When we rushed from the West to East gardens, we found the body lying in the corridor.”

The corpse belonged to Mo ZiYuan. Wei WuXian swept his eyes over it but could not resist looking at it again.

The body looked as if it was Mo ZiYuan, but also wasn’t. Though its shape and appearance was unmistakably those of his cousin of circumstance, his cheeks were deep sunken, his eye balls bulged, his skin wrinkled. Compared to the Mo ZiYuan of yesterday, a child who’d barely entered the Spring of his youth, he seemed aged by twenty years. His blood and flesh seemed to have been sucked dry, until he was a paper-thin, wizened layer of skin stretched over a skeletal frame.

Wei WuXian had leaned in for a closer look, when the Mo Mistress suddenly rushed over. Something in her hand glinted. She was clutching a dagger. Lan SiZhui – quick eyed and nimble handed – knocked the dagger from her hand, and hadn’t had the chance to speak, when Mo Mistress rushed at him and screamed at the same time, “My son died a wretched death, I will avenge him! Why are you stopping me?”

Wei WuXian crouched again behind Lan SiZhui’s body, using him as a shield. “Your son’s wretched death has nothing to do with me!”

Lan SiZhiu had seen Wei WuXian clowning around in the daytime in the East Hall, and later heard from bystanders many rumours regarding the bastard child, embellished from person to person. He could not help but feel compassion for this madman, and couldn’t resist speaking up for him, “Mistress Mo, the deceased is in this shape – his spiritual essence has been sucked dry. This is obviously the method of an evil spirit. This man shouldn’t have been the perpetrator.”

The Mo Mistress’s chest rose and fell. “What do you know! This madman’s father is a cultivator, he must have learned some sorcery!”

Lan SiZhui said, “This… the Mistress has no proof, or…”

“The proof is on my son’s body!” The Mo Mistress pointed at the corpse. “Look for yourselves! A-Yuan’s body is telling me, who his murderer is!”

Taking the initiative, Wei WuXian grabbed the cloth and flicked it off the body, uncovering it from head to toe. Mo ZiYuan’s dead body was missing something.

His left arm, from below the shoulder, had disappeared without a trace.

Mo Mistress said, “You see now? You’ve all heard what was said today -- what this madman said. He said, if A-Yuan ever touched his things, he would cut A-Yuan’s arm off!”

After this moment of arousal, she covered her face and choked out muffled sobs. “… But my A-Yuan didn’t even touch this madman’s things. Not only was he framed, he had his life taken by this sick hearted, sick minded man.”

Sick hearted, sick minded!

How many years has it been since he had heard this evaluation of his character, what a truly familiar feeling. Wei WuXian pointed at himself, speechless. He didn’t know whether he was the mad one or Mo Mistress was the mad one, who through a random figure of speech would bite him dead. Exterminator of clans, exterminator of families, a river of blood on which souls floated -- he’d certainly not minced his words when he was young, but those words largely remained words. If what he said were really done, he’d have long declared hegemony of the Cultivator society. Mo Mistress didn’t want to avenge her son, she just needed to vent her grievances. Wei WuXian didn’t care to be entangled in her affairs. He pondered a while, then stuck his hand into Mo ZiYuan’s breast and rummaged around. He found something. Spreading it open, it was a Spirit Summoning Flag.

His heart brightened. He thought: it was your own undoing!

Even Lan SiZhui, seeing the thing taken out from Mo ZiYuan’s bosom, understood.

Recalling the theatrics of the day, what eventually happened wasn’t hard to guess: during the day, Mo ZiYuan lost face from Mo XuanYu’s clowning. Filled with resentment, he sought him out to make him pay measure for measure. But Mo XuanYu had been wandering outside, so he couldn’t find a trace of him for half a day. Mo ZiYuan decided to wait until he returned to teach him a private lesson.

He waited until night fell before he snuck outdoors, passed by the West Gardens – and there saw the Spirit summoning Flags waving on the walls.

Even though he had been implored countless times, that in the half-light of night he can’t go out, can’t go to the West Gardens, and especially, don’t move the black flags, but Mo XiYuan thought it to intentionally frighten him away, for fear that some people will steal some magic items. He was not aware of the inauspicious function of those flags, whereupon tucking one into his breast, would be henceforth transformed into a living target. He was used to stealing Mo XuanYu’s scrolls and magic tools, so seeing this new item was a new itch to be scratched. He need to get his hands on it! Seeing the owners of the flags were distracted by the imminent appearance of the walking dead in the West Gardens, he stealthily tucked a flag away.

The formation used six flags. Five of them were not in the West Gardens. Instead, they used the Lan disciples as bait, who carried on their person countless spiritual weapons. Though Mo ZiYuan only stole one side of the formation, he carried no protective items. To the undead, he was like a ripe persimmon -- the evil spirits would naturally be attracted to him. If it were just undead, then that would have been the end the story. He would’ve had a few chunks bitten off, but would not have died in such a short while. But as fortune would dictate, this Shade summoning flag summoned something more frightening than walking dead. It summoned a malevolent spirit, who killed Mo ZiYuan and snatched away his arm!

Wei WuXian lifted his wrist – as expected – a laceration on his left hand had healed. It looks as if the “body offering sorcery” decided Mo ZiYuan’s death was at his hands, because the Shade Summoning Flag was his creation. A product of many mishaps, or a wild stroke that met its mark; it seemed Mo ZiYuan solved one of his headaches for him.

The Mo Mistress was sensitive towards any small slight to her son. And while she soon guessed the approximate circumstances, would not acknowledge Mo ZiYuan’s death was his own doing. She was both shameless and spoiled, her temper rearing like a forest fire. She grabbed a ceramic tea cup and threw it towards Wei WuXian’s face. “Yesterday -- If not for you, framing him in front of all those people, would he have gone out in the middle of the night? It’s all your fault, you bastard child!”

Wei WuXian was long prepared. He dodged and hid himself. Mo Mistress turned to Lan SiZhui and shrieked, “And you! You useless things! Cultivate what power, exorcise what demon, you can’t even protect a child! A-Yuan is only 19!”

The disciples were young and inexperienced. They’d only been in the field a few times. They had thought this would be the usual situation and did not expected such a savage spirit. Originally, they thought it’d be drudgery, so now felt a degree of regret. But, now becoming the new target of Mo Mistress’s indiscriminate savagery, their faces drained of colour. They were born in a distinguished family and would never had dared to treat other family’s juniors this way. But the family teachings of GuSuLan were strict; even though their hearts were sullen, they stifled it until their faces screwed. Seeing this, Wei WuXian could not help but step in.

He thought: So many years have past and the Lan family is still this morally uptight*, what are they using that self-restraint for - they’ll stifle themselves to death. He sighed heavily, “Who do you think you’re scolding, treating other people like your own servants? These people -- who travelled here from afar to exorcise without charge – owe you an apology? Your son’s age? This year he’s 17 years old, and he’s still a child? How old is a child that still doesn’t understand what people say? Yesterday he was told over and over: don’t move anything and especially don’t go near the West garden, but your son in the middle of the night went out to steal the birds from the trees, the dogs from their kennels, and you blame me? Blame them?”

The Mo Mistress was at once despondant and resentful, her thoughts cycling like a broken record: “… die die die…”. If not her dying to join her son, then to have everyone in the world die, no, especially the people in front of her!

Seeing these thoughts running across her face, her husband gave her a hard shove. “Call someone in! Call everyone inside!”

Her husband’s face was expressionless as wood. He had swat her like a bug. Mo Mistress, caught off guard, collapsed to the ground, stunned.

In the past, she’d just need to raise her voice, and he’d comply. Yet today he dared to retaliate!

The servants of the household were scared to death by her expression. A-Ding, knees knocking, helped her up. The Mo Mistress clutched the lapels of her robes closed, her voice trembling, “You… you… you get out!”

It fell on deaf ears. Mo Mistress looked as if she were about to faint, A-Tong noticing A-Ding had made several cluing expressions, A-Tong hurried to support the mistress outside. The East Hall had become a mess with no reprieve. Wei WuXian, now that it had finally quietened, prepared to continue examining the corpse to determine the identity of the spirit. He hadn’t yet given it two glances, when another shrill scream emitted from the gardens.

The people inside the hall rushed outside. In the East gardens, two people were twitching on the ground. A dazed A-Tong was alive. As for the one sprawled on the ground, their blood and flesh had been sucked clean. They looked wrinkled and parched, their left arm missing, no blood leaked from their wounds. The corpse was in the same condition as Mo ZiYuan.

Mo Mistress shook off A-Ding’s arm, but then saw the body on the ground. Her eye balls grew rigid. Finally sapped of energy, could only take a tilting step towards it. Wei WuXian was standing nearby, so gave her some support, before handing her over to A-Ding.

He looked at his wrist. Another laceration had disappeared.

He’d only just stepped over the threshold of the house and hadn’t walked out of East garden, when Mo Mistress’s husband died on the spot. Lan SiZhui and Lan JingYi’s faces were white. Lan SiZhui was the first to recover his composure. He persistently questioned the dazed A-Tong. “Did you see what it was?”

A-Tong was scared half dead. His jaw seemed frozen shut. They could not get a word out of him. He could only shake his head. Lan SiZhui, despite the mounting pressured, let his fellow servant take him inside the house. He turned to Lan JingYi. “Did you send the signal?”

Lan JingYi said, “The signal’s sent, but even if there’s a senior nearby to help, I’m afraid they need two hours at the least to come over. What do we do now? We don’t even know what it is. Should we leave, or should we defend?”

The spirit had already arrived. If they left, the remaining members of the Mo household wouldn’t have the heart to run and would descend into senseless plunder. Lan SiZhui grit his teeth. “Defend. Wait for someone to come.”

Since they’d already sent the signal, other cultivators should soon hurry to assist. To avoid involving himself unnecessarily, Wei WuXian decided to retreat. If whoever came was someone he didn’t know – well and good. But in the case it were someone whom he was acquainted with, even he wasn’t sure what would happen.

With the body offering sorcery’s lingering effect, he could not leave the Mo household. Plus, in this short span of time this summoned thing had already snatched away two lives. If Wei WuXian dusted his hands and left, he could not ensure the entire household were not annihilated -- when someone finally comes to find the entire Mo household resting row upon row, their bodies all missing a single left arm.

As for now, he could only try end it quickly!

*a stick up their arse (sorry, couldn’t resist) I wonder if that would be something wwx would say?

#mo dao zu shi #wenqtranslations #chapter 3

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chevd-blog · 6 years

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My Top 100 Favorite Albums of All Time (Part 5: 20 - 11)

20. Hand. Cannot. Erase. – Steven Wilson (2015)

For his fourth solo release, Steven Wilson took inspiration from the real-life story of Joyce Carol Vincent, a young woman who passed away in her London flat in December 2003 and remained undiscovered for more than two years, even despite having family and friends, and having left her television on at the time of her passing. The album follows the story of a fictional woman heavily based on Vincent, ending with her abrupt disappearance. With a stylistic nod to prog pioneers like Rush and Yes, as well as the powerful guest vocals of Israeli singer Ninet Tayeb, Hand. Cannot. Erase. serves as a poignant examination of the isolation and alienation of modern urban life.

Prime cuts: "Home Invasion / Regret #9", "Routine"

19. Absolution – Muse (2003)

Bolstered by the success of the lead single "Time Is Running Out", Absolution is the album that first gained Muse major mainstream recognition as a band to watch. There aren't many hints of their later excessive, over-the-top tendencies here— though "Butterflies & Hurricanes" does contain a piano section which aptly demonstrates Muse's appreciation of classical music. Instead, this is one of Muse's more low-key and easy-to-listen efforts, demonstrating the prowess of a band that could be content with crafting hauntingly beautiful melodies ("Sing for Absolution", "Blackout", or "Ruled by Secrecy" all come to mind), or simply shredding (as on "Stockholm Syndrome"). Sometimes, less is more, and simplicity is just better.

Prime cuts: "Stockholm Syndrome", "Butterflies & Hurricanes"

18. Core – Stone Temple Pilots (1992)

At the beginning of their musical career, Stone Temple Pilots was another in a lengthy list of bands that benefitted from the exposure afforded them by the Seattle grunge explosion in the early 1990s. They spent years dogged by accusations of sounding a bit too much like Pearl Jam, before they eventually managed to develop a more distinctive voice that distanced themselves from anyone else. That isn't to say that their early material is bad, though; on the contrary, their first album, Core, is hands down my favorite of theirs. I don't think of it as derivative, either; rather, I appreciate it for what it is. Like most of the alt-rock at the time, there is a dim, dingy feeling about it— but it's all channeled through a sunny production, reflective of their San Diego roots. There's more California here than Washington. That makes for an album which is oddly upbeat about being grungy, which I find rather appealing.

Prime cuts: "Plush", "Wicked Garden"

17. The Downward Spiral – Nine Inch Nails (1994)

There is no album that encapsulates my high school years quite like The Downward Spiral. Which probably says something terrible about me, because— with all due respect to Trent Reznor, but let's be honest here— this is a seriously fucked up album. This album is what it sounds like to slowly be driven into the ground, day by day, until you are ground down into little more than a cold, numb machine made of rotting meat, just begging for the sweet release of death. This album is how it sounds to gradually become an automaton, going through all the motions, but truthfully no longer giving a fuck. This is nihilism incarnate. And I've been on that brink myself, more times than I can count, driven by a sense of alienation from the hostile outside world, and it never gets any easier. But at least through the rough patches, I've had The Downward Spiral to reflect my turmoil. When I first encountered this album, I immediately adopted "Heresy" as my personal anthem— a song that expressed perfectly to my repressive Bible Belt surroundings just how I felt about their precious 'Good Book'. I buried all my vulnerabilities and my pain beneath a mechanical visage, as modeled in "The Becoming", and I grew a thicker skin. I gravitated to this album, and (at least in my head) eventually embodied this album, specifically out of spite; I recognized it as everything the religious conservatives hate about our culture, and I had no greater desire at the time than to piss off a world that had rejected me. I'm happy to report growing out of that phase of my life, for the most part. I still have occasional episodes where I stare longingly into the abyss, and ponder jumping in. But the power this album has had, to take the chaotic tempest of negative emotions inside of me and give them form, is awesome. Ironically, I think this album has actually prevented me from following through on several occasions, just by allowing me to work through my angst and get all of that built-up poison out of my system in a constructive way. Now that's power.

Prime cuts: "Closer", "Hurt"

16. Altered State – Tesseract (2013)

Following the departure of lead singer Dan Tompkins, Tesseract went through a period of searching for the right person to replace him, beginning with Elliot Coleman's short-lived turn at the microphone, but ultimately settling on Ashe O'Hara. Perhaps it was kismet that it was during O'Hara's time in Tesseract that Altered State was recorded, as the new voice also heralded a new direction. O'Hara's silken voice was obviously best suited for clean vocals; all of Tompkins' guttural screaming went right out the window. That made emulating peers like Periphery essentially impossible, which also provided the band with an opportunity to reinvent themselves, tighten their sound, and be more adventurous (such as on the track "Of Reality: Calabi-Yau", where they underscore their blend of palm-muted heavy metal with the extremely unexpected wail of a saxophone, and actually pull it off). Consisting of four multi-song suites (Of Matter, Of Mind, Of Reality, and Of Energy), the album also contains extremely dense metaphysical lyrical material to match its heightened musicality. In combination, all of these new circumstances result in Altered State being nothing short of a miraculous metamorphosis for the band— Tesseract in a literal altered state.

Prime cuts: "Of Matter: Proxy", "Of Mind: Nocturne"

15. Mer de Noms – A Perfect Circle (2000)

Mer de Noms is a cryptic album, in the same way that Tool albums generally are. Furthermore, this is the only album of A Perfect Circle's where I really feel there's an apt comparison, if not in sound, then in attitude. Setting aside the music for a moment— can we talk about how much I geeked out over the band actually inventing their own arcane-looking alphabet to use in their liner notes? I was a nerdy teenager at the time I obtained this album, and being a lover of puzzles, naturally I decrypted it and then adopted it for my own use for encoding secret messages in my notebooks. But, I digress. What makes the music so interesting here, after listening to Tool for so long, is Maynard's voice being channeled into music with a completely different energy. Tool is logical, cerebral, and quite masculine; APC is much more of an emotional experience. That goes even for the harder-edged songs like "Judith", where Maynard's cry of "Fuck your God!" is intended less as a slight toward religion in general than as a frustrated outburst from a person who had watched his devout mother paralyzed in an accident when he was a child, and who was astounded that such a trial did not cause her to lose her faith. With nearly all of the song titles being names (hence the album's title, which translates to "sea of names" in French), much of the puzzle presented by this album comes from familiarity with the eponymous subjects; some are Biblical or legendary, while others are somehow personal connections to the band. But regardless of how much the listener may know about the myth of Orestes, the music is still a reward unto itself.

Prime cuts: "Judith", "Orestes"

14. Ten – Pearl Jam (1991)

You know how certain songs are attached to memories or sensations so strongly, that you can't hear them without replaying those other associations in your head? Pearl Jam's Ten is like that for me. Yes, the entire album. It's an album that makes me feel the cool, crisp autumns of northern Georgia where I grew up, and see the leaves turning, and smell the hickory smoke of roadside boiled peanut vendors. It's an album that I see in dark reddish colors— maroon, sienna, burgundy. When I listen to "Black", I remember staying home from school for two weeks in 2001 due to a bad case of pneumonia, and the flannel blankets, and spending my daytime watching old episodes of SNL from the early 90s. When I listen to "Garden", I remember quiet, rainy nights in my on-campus apartment during my first year of college, just sitting in the dark after my roommates had gone to bed, drinking a cold glass of milk while watching the rain dance and glitter in the outside light with the windows narrowly slatted. When I listen to "Jeremy"— well, of course, that song makes me remember how terribly I was bullied all through middle school and ninth grade, and how reliant I was on that song to help me through one of the most miserable times of my life. (Seriously. This is another album I credit with literally keeping me alive.) I know none of this is concrete or tangible to anyone else but me, but… this is something that frustrates me about lists like this when music journalists write them. By the nature of their publication, they can't focus on the intangible impressions they get, because they're supposed to write about universally-appreciable things. In this case… I can't do that. Everyone already knows it's a goddamned brilliant album. But these impressions, and the way they make me feel— they're so strong here that they're basically half of the album's appeal to me, as far as I'm concerned. This is just an album that I've known so long, that it is deeply ingrained in me.

Prime cuts: "Jeremy", "Alive"

13. Master of Puppets – Metallica (1986)

I was introduced to Metallica (and heavy metal itself) in ninth grade by a classmate of mine named John. On one fateful extended class field trip to Mentone, Alabama, for a trust-building workshop, John lent me his copy of Master of Puppets to listen to during leisure time. I didn't know it at the time, as I sat on my cot in that cabin in the forest and listened to my Discman, but there was absolutely no better album to initiate me to metal. It was revelatory. Up to that time, I was still finding my taste. I had never heard music so hard-edged, or drumbeats so fast, or guitarwork so intricate before. And 8-minute songs? Being a prog rock fan who now routinely listens to songs two to three times that length, it's funny to think about in retrospect, but when I was that age, my attention span wasn't used to anything longer than 5 minutes. I was used to the stuff being played on the radio at the time— stuff like Smash Mouth and Sugar Ray. It should be a testament to how much of an earthshaking experience it was for me, that I still even remember the trip to Mentone (which was otherwise pretty forgettable, honestly). When I got back to Georgia, one of the first things I did was buy my own copy. There are eight songs here, and not a single weak one among them. Lars Ulrich's drums are on point. Kirk Hammett's guitar is on point. The lyrics, and James Hetfield's vocals, are on point. To this day, I still get goosebumps listening to the opening of "Damage Inc.", or the instrumental "Orion" as it slows down into a more laidback tune, led by the incomparable bass grooves of the late Cliff Burton. And in addition to being technically impressive, it was a cathartic album, too; this was the album that first allowed me to tap into my inner adolescent rage, and to release it. "Fuck it all and fucking no regrets", as they say. Wherever you are, John… thanks.

Prime cuts: "Master of Puppets", "Battery"

12. Superunknown – Soundgarden (1994)

It's sad for me to write this now, still only a few months out from Chris Cornell's passing. He was a hero to me when I was a teenager, and this was my first encounter with his music. First I got into Nirvana, then Pearl Jam, and then gradually I got into Soundgarden and Alice in Chains. Out of all the releases between the four of them, Superunknown is and probably always will be my personal favorite, even over Nevermind and Ten. The combination of Cornell's unearthly voice and Kim Thayil's guitar stirred something inside me that the others just couldn't quite reach. Maybe it's because, at the time, Soundgarden had been together longer than the other three bands, and they were able to reap the rewards of knowing and playing with each other for a longer time. Whatever the reason, it just felt (and still feels) to me like one of the most musically mature albums to come out of the whole grunge scene. And the sad thing is, I think a lot of people pay attention to it because of "Black Hole Sun" being such a gargantuan hit, and undersell the rest of the album. There are lesser known songs here, like the title track, or "Fresh Tendrils", or "Like Suicide", that are absolute sparkling gems. To listen to those songs, and to know now that the moment has passed, and that chemistry can never be truly replicated again with Cornell gone… it's really disheartening. But at least they left behind one hell of a masterpiece.

Prime cuts: "Black Hole Sun", "Superunknown"

11. The Dark Side of the Moon – Pink Floyd (1973)

Did you really expect me to leave this one off my list? Pink Floyd has been showing up on my list with a fair amount of frequency, and I saved the best one for last. I mean, it's almost ridiculous how clichéd it is to talk about this album as an example of a musical tour de force. It's practically to the point where I can just say the words "great album", and this will be one of the ones that people automatically think about. And as I sit here writing, trying to come up with something to say to rationalize my choice, I realize— there's probably no other album in my life which has served more as a soundtrack to the truly awesome moments. I've painted to this album, and felt the invigorating high of inspiration. I've synched it up with The Wizard of Oz, not once, but twice. I've played it while taking a breathtaking car ride through Badlands National Park in South Dakota. I've listened to it while watching a total solar eclipse. There's no other album that fits these kinds of experiences as well. It's an album that compresses time with its mellow nature, and causes 42 minutes to disappear so rapidly you can scarcely understand where they've gone. It's an album that simultaneously makes you feel insignificant, as a tiny human in a grand cosmos billions of lightyears and aeons large, and important, as someone fortunate enough to bear witness to the splendor of the universe. In short, about as close to perfection as an album can aspire to be.

Prime cuts: "Money", "Time"

At last, we’re down to the final 10. Which ones made the cut? Find out the first half tomorrow, with Part 6, featuring #10 - #6!

#top 100 #top 100 list #music #albums #favorite #list

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