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marcelwrites · 2 months

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It was a lively weekend. The bar was packed with an assortment of roach like creatures in human skin. I kept them with a good supply of alcohol and received praise for killing them. A drop dead gorgeous woman was flirting with me (we'll return to her in a moment) while I made her bartender friend a drink, I was forced to listen to the friend talk about her "dinosaur" co-workers that forced her to work after 8pm. My best mate and I stood behind the bar and we nodded along where appropriate in the story. It was unbearable and I could see the entitlement dripping from her pores like noxious grease. When she had fucked off my best mate and I pissed ourselves laughing. Afterwards, the gorgeous friend asked me to guess her age, I said 20, and she replied that she was 25. She then leant in closer to me and said that her pussy was 20. I immediately thought that's what women feel like they're hit on by men. When I was closing the bar she came over to me and gave me her snapchat and mobile number. I begrudgingly accepted her snapchat and then immediately got a chat from her, I replied with, "I'm not 12, just text me," to which she responded "Your attitude is so hot." My attitude is literally just me bartending from 2 until 2, 12 straight hours, and not wanting to deal with a bunch of drunk chicks. I kept thinking about the bartender friend and why you would even work a job you actively hate. This is Australia, if you don't want to work a job you hate, you don't fucking have to. Just quit and stop ragging on your "dinosaur" [see: 40 year old] co-workers. She had that hotness that was directly proportional to how fucking terrible she was. I will say her boyfriend was a friendly bloke though and I gave him a couple of free drinks. He'll need them to deal with her. I can guarantee that she's cheating on him. I just know the type. Anyway, I just remembered that she said her family's from Croatia and they moved here to get away from poverty. Okay, if that's the case, how do you not have a shred of self-awareness. The fact that I remember all these stupid fucking details are a good indicator of how annoying she was. White dress, tanned skin, dagger nails, oppressively white teeth, and the personality of a cheese grater. I miss the days back in 2013 when I started bartending at night clubs around the city and you'd meet an assortment of colourful characters but at least they had a personality. The Scene girls were the best. God, I miss them. Bartending is one of those professions where you really jump into the deep end of the human condition, meeting the absolute best and worst of humanity. Alcohol is the great equaliser in that after enough everyone is equally insufferable. I love what I do but I'm thankful I don't drink. My life's been too eventful to fit in a reasonable sized text post this evening so I'll update you again another day.

#marcelwrites #writing #words #life #personal

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thedurvin · 1 year

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I like the idea of giving Zirc random objects throughout the game (such as the Pie Crimper won from the Drywall Witch) but then I have to figure out things for them all to do; on the one hand I don't want the game to get too complicated, but on the other hand it might be too funny to pass up. So. Why should this man have access to a Pie Crimper, and what else should he have?

(and should he get a special outfit with each)

Mega Man could get away with a lot of items that each shoot bullets in different directions but Zirc can't shoot; besides a wider or longer blade or one that sticks out of different spots I'm not sure what different shapes and arrays. I mean I guess he could get a gun at some point. I guess.

Elemental damage types are a thing, but then you have to make all the enemies strong/weak to them each, and then since it's not turn based you have to make it clear when looking at them what type they are, and that sounds contradicts the messy aesthetic I want. Also it's complicated and I don't want to.

If there's gonna be puzzles anyway I guess there could be a full inventory screen where he's gotta save up objects and use them as needed. Like a point-and-click puzzle adventure except with the clever dialog and plot replaced by shmup space battling? I guess it's an option. You collect various objects through the course of the game and can equip them at any time but they're hardly ever useful? Can't tell if that would be funny or annoying

Funniest option: characters keep trying to give him items but he won't put the knife down

A few options: pie crimper, broadsword, poison dagger, chainsaw, scissors, safety razor, mug/cup for carrying liquid, pizza cutter, hammer, drumstick (for drums), drumstick (Ren Faire turkey leg), fork, fork with a hot pepper on it, spork, chopsticks / tongs to grab enemies, spatula, potato masher, cheese grater, lighter, taser, spray bottle of holy water, fishing rod, frying pan, whisk, ping-pong paddle to reflect attacks, flashlight, air horn, lemon wedge, cigarette, stapler, highlighter, evil eyeball, magic crystal, weird rock, candle snuffer, nunchucks, fan, video game controller, handful of cash, power drill, screwdriver, toilet brush, vegetable peeler, fly swatter, steam iron, feather duster, squeegee, lint roller, salt shaker, bottle opener, corkscrew, curling iron, toothbrush, citrus zester, those strainer things they have in cocktail kits that I don't know what they're called, am I seriously trying to make a list of all the objects you can hold in your hand while lying in bed at 2am again wondering why I never get enough sleep,

#starstabber zirc #game design

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blaiddydbrokeit · 2 years

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Some of Allan's quotes

Gifts:

Favorite: "Oh! Thank you, most kindly."

Neutral: "Thank you for thinking of me."

Disliked: "I will accept."

Liked gifts - Blue Cheese, Hunting Dagger, Riding Boots

Disliked gifts - Floral Adornment, Book of Sheet Music, Gemstone Beads

Lost Items:

Correct: "I had feared I would never see this again! I am most grateful."

Wrong: "My apologies, but this is not mine."

List of Items: Sturdy Cheese Grater, Armored Leather Gloves, Chipped Dagger

Sharing a meal:

Favorite: "I am suddenly rather famished... would it be alright if I have a little more?"

Neutral: "It would be more agreeable to eat, than to be lectured for not, I suppose."

Disliked: "Er... I suppose it will do."

Liked dishes: Daphnel Stew, Cheesy Verona Stew, Gautier Cheese Gratin, Onion Gratin Soup

Disliked dishes: Super-spicy fish dango, Fish and Bean Soup, Vegetable Stir-fry

Cooking:

Start: "Might I leave the slicing to you? It would be a pity if I destroyed our handiwork."

During: "How many kinds of cheese could I fit in this dish?"

#allan montgomery blaiddyd #fe3h ocs

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apprenticeofcups · 4 years

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Main 6 + Things My Director Said As I Learned Historical Combat

Asra

“The best method is the Run Away Method”

“If you get into a dagger fight, you’re fucked. Just run. Don’t let them get you.”

“I know my ankle is hurt, but I still want you to kick me as hard as you can.”

Julian

“It doesn’t matter how little you are; if you know the human body, you can throw anybody to the ground.”

*grabs wrist* “How would you break my hold?” “Swing my knife around wildly to cut your wrist.” “I’m so proud of you.”

“Don’t try fencing with pikes. It’s possible but not recommended.” He says, while fencing with pikes.

Nadia

“Straighten your posture. You’ll never be able to throw a man twice your size to the ground if you can’t stand up straight.”

“Sock could beat Sword if the right person was fighting with it.”

“Fighting isn’t nice. It’s for dicks. To walk away, be a dick who wants to live.”

Muriel

After asking about Rules of Engagement, “They’re bullshit. ‘Kill them’ or ‘escape’ are the only options. Actually, option one is ‘don’t get in a fight.’”

“People will stab you in church sometimes.”

“I’m going to put my hands on your shoulders, and I want you to karate chop at my neck like you’re trying to cut a steak.”

Portia

“If I grab your from behind, where do you hit me?” “Can I drop into a squat and head-butt you?” “Are you thighs strong enough for that???”

“If I can turn your armor into a cheese grater, I win.”

The only real way to fight is in a leather singlet, all greased up, against a bear, for money.”

Lucio

“The only real rules of combat are don’t die.” proceeds to throw you to the floor.

“Safety Third.”

🍵 Page’s Ko-Fi | AO3 🍵

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countesspetofi · 4 years

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Since it’s getting to be the spooky season, and this was originally supposed to be a blog about things I made, I thought I’d start posting some pictures of my old Halloween costumes.

I think this may have been 2013? Our group theme was “The Real Housewives of Shakespeare.”

I was Ophelia (middle, with weeds and flowers) and my friends were Desdemona (with nightgown and pillow) and Lady Macbeth (with dagger and “Spotte Remover” bottle). I was going for Ophelia after they pulled her from the water.

I wish I could remember exactly what patterns I used. It was something from one of the big three pattern companies’ Renfest lines. I had made it for someone else to wear as Mad Margaret in a production of Ruddigore a year earlier.

I dyed the muslin of the shift to go with the velvet bodice, and distressed it with sandpaper and a cheese grater. I shredded the hems with the grater and a razor blade. The flowers and greens were picked up at different yard sales and thrift stores. I thought the bird on the shoulder was a nice touch.

In addition to the blue-toned makeup, I slicked my hair with a mixture of water, conditioner, and sea salt to keep it looking wet.

I also made “Desdemona’s” shift with the same pattern, out of a rummage-sale bedsheet, with added gathers in the sleeves. Each of us made her own book. We sang a chorus of “Brush Up Your Shakespeare” and took second place for Best Group.

#Halloween #halloween costumes #Halloween costume #homemade costume #home sewing #Shakespeare #hamlet #Ophelia #macbeth #lady macbeth #othello #desdemona #rushing the halloween season

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howxforeverxfeels · 4 years

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Astrid Self-Para: She Don’t Wanna Marry Me

Characters --> Astrid Cromwell, mentions of Cromwell parents, ex-fiancé, and Felix ( @wildhcartcd ) Location --> Astrid’s car Time Frame --> April 13, 2020; approx. 10 pm Summary --> Astrid reflects on her brief return to Arundel, and the thoughts in her head. TW --> None

The steady sound of tires against the gravel road that lead from her family home to the main street in Arundel had always had a calming affect on Astrid. Many times that very sound had soothed her, a welcome home when she’d been away or a ‘see you soon’ as she prepared to depart for unknown lengths of time. Today, though, the sound had evoked a feeling akin to a cheese grater being dragged across her heart.

Neither of her mothers, nor her siblings, understood why Astrid had chosen to leave when - and how - she did. Even after she explained the overwhelming anxiety she had felt at planning a wedding she was not truly invested in, and needing an escape, they did not understand. Tears had been shed, a lecture given, and the confident woman that the witch had become had drawn into herself like a teenager at odds with the world.

She wished that they would see things from her point of view, but she knew it would take weeks before the Cromwell’s would ever consider such a thing. She had, after all, left in the dead of night and been gone over a week without contacting any of them other than to say she was safe two days in. They were angry, justly so, and as the sight of the home that she had been raised in faded in the light of the rear view mirror all she could do was hope that they would eventually forgive her.

Forgiveness. How selfish of her to wish for such a thing from anyone, especially her family and her fiancé. Before she had seen her family, she had returned to the apartment she shared to pack her things and leave the ring. She had been expecting to be alone, but fate had other plans. The conversation had been difficult, each word from her lips spinning like a dagger into their heart. The ring sat between them on the kitchen table in a puddle of tears, a mix from both of them. Astrid spoke each word on her mind, an attempt to be comforting only serving to twist the knife in their heart as she did. It had been no secret that Astrid’s heart had always been torn - but to hear that she had accepted the proposal and had no intention of getting married stung worst of all.

They had asked questions -- where had she been, why now versus sooner -- and Astrid did her best to answer each with all the honesty in her heart. She saw the pain as realization dawned, and she bowed her head as she admitted to having seen Felix again. She could feel the emotions rolling off of her ex-partner, and she longed to ease the pain but she knew that was not possible.

Her lips brushed their cheek with a whispered goodbye and her heart clenched as they flinched away from her. Astrid had never felt like such a horribly selfish person before in her life, and as she carried her bags to her car all she could hope was that this was still the right choice for her. The move to Windham was risky, most of her savings fund had been spent on the hotel and the deposit for the apartment. She had found work, thankfully, but there were still many unknowns about the situation. Normally the unknowns would eat the witch alive, but this time... they excited her.

As she pulled away from the town of Arundel, merging onto Interstate 90-E near Buffalo, she headed south east toward her new home, intent on forging her own destiny. What awaited her in the town of Windham was a mystery to her, but the chance to be in Felix’s life again was a chance she refused to pass up.

#🌻 astrid cromwell #🌻 {feels like home} felix #🌻 {I wouldn't have missed it for the world} astrid's ex

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unfortunate-stranger-losers · 5 years

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Six Baudelaires AU, Part Three {AO3} {Masterlist} {Part One} {Part Two}

Chapter Thirty-One → in which Nick is not taking Ishmael’s bullshit

“Thank you so much, Friday.” Nick said, as they walked. “That man is very bad, and we’ve been trying to get away from him for some time.”

“He seemed very mean.” Friday nodded. She looked carefully at Lilac. “Is he the reason you’re hurt?” Hesitantly, Lilac nodded. “We don’t allow violence on the island, so he won’t be allowed here. You’ll be safe.”

“He’s very good at disguising himself and manipulating people.” Violet warned.

“And we’re very good at seeing through that bullshit.” Friday said. She froze then, and slapped a hand over her mouth. “I’m sorry! I’m not supposed to know that word.”

“It’s alright.” Klaus laughed a little. “We swear a lot. I assume that’s not allowed on the island.”

“No.” Friday nodded, and then she leaned in conspiratorially. “But I’ll tell you a secret. I know a lot of bad words anyway.”

They giggled. “So do we.” Solitude said.

“Okay.” Friday said. “Can you tell me what ‘fuck’ means?”

They gave each other very awkward looks. Then, Lilac said, “Quick question, first. What’s your seashell for?”

“Coconut cordial.” Friday said. “There’s no fresh water on the island, so we drain the milk from coconuts and allow it to ferment.”

Nick paused. “Um, doesn’t that make it a drug?”

“What’s a drug?”

Nick groaned. “Oh no.”

“Okay, what is fermented coconut milk and what does it do?” Klaus asked.

“Opiate.” Nick said.

“Still don’t know what that is.” Solitude muttered.

“Well, shit.” Violet huffed.

“What?” Friday asked. “What’s wrong?”

Nick considered. “Can you take us to the medical tent first? Before we meet everyone else.”

“I guess so.” Friday shrugged. “Come on, Dr Kurtz and Willa should be in.”

She led them onto blindingly white sand, and Nick said, “Is that a boat?” He pointed towards the beach, where something was almost built.

“An outrigger.” Friday said. “It’s tradition.”

“What are some of your customs?” Klaus pulled his commonplace book out and started to take notes.

“Every time there’s a storm, we go storm scavenging and present what we’ve found to our facilitator, Ishmael. He’s been on this island longer than any of us, and he injured his feet and keeps them covered in island clay, which has healing powers. He can’t stand, but he decides what might be of use, and what the sheep should drag away.”

“Baba?” Sunny asked. “You have sheep?”

“Yep.” Friday said. “They drag our scavenged items to the arboretum, on the far side of the island over that brae over there. All that grows there is an enormous apple tree, or that’s what I’ve heard, at least. Nobody goes there, because Ishmael says it’s too dangerous, with everything the sheep brought there. Nobody picks the bitter apples from the tree, except on Decision Day.”

“What’s Decision Day?” Violet asked.

“It’s like a holiday.” Friday said. “Once a year, the tides turn in this part of the ocean, and the coastal shelf is completely covered in water. It’s the one time a year that it’s deep enough to sail away from the island. All year long we build an enormous outrigger, and the day the tides turn we have a feast and talent show. Then anyone who wishes to leave our colony indicates their decision by taking a bite of the bitter apple and spitting it onto the ground before boarding the outrigger and bidding us farewell.”

“Hm.” Nick said carefully.

“Of course, people rarely leave this island.” Friday said. “Nobody has left since before I was born, so each year we simply light the outrigger on fire and push it out to sea. It’s beautiful, and we only have a few days left until then.”

“It sounds beautiful.” Klaus said uncertainly.

“Here we go!” Friday led them into a clearing, where several tents had been set up. She waved at a few wandering people in robes, mouthed the word Castaways and gestured to the Baudelaires, and then ducked into a tent on the far side. The siblings followed her into it, giving each other skeptical looks.

Inside, an older man- who admitted he was more of a veterinarian than a doctor- and a younger woman greeted them, and while Friday explained the situation, they inspected Lilac’s wound. “It doesn’t seem to be infected, which is incredibly lucky.” Willa said, kneeling down and frowning. “How did this happen?”

“I was attacked.” Lilac said simply.

“Well, you won’t have to worry about that here.” Willa hmmed, and then she reached to the side, pulling out some strips of fabric. “These should be better bandages. If your siblings want to wait outside-”

“No.” said all five of her siblings.

Willa raised her eyebrow, but shrugged. “Alright. I won’t force you. Friday, why don’t you deliver what you’ve found to Ishmael?”

“I’ll do that when the Baudelaires are ready to go.” Friday said. “I want to show him the Castaways.”

The Baudelaires all shared a look of agreement. “And we’d love to meet him.” Violet said.

It took a while, but Friday just sat beside them and told them about the kinds of things she’d found on the island- unsurprisingly to the Baudelaires, she hadn’t been able to keep any of it, as Ishmael had “convinced” her to send them to the other side of the island. Dr Kurtz wandered out after a bit, while Willa kept treating Lilac. She didn’t seem to have much medicine, but she did manage to get her bandaged up, and told her that she’d probably be fine in a few days.

“It didn’t cut too deep, and you didn’t bleed too much.” Willa said. “So you should be alright to go meet Ishmael. A lot of people will be back from storm scavenging, so you can see our customs firsthand.”

“I’m sure we will.” Violet said. “Friday, mind showing us the way?”

“I’d love to!” Friday beamed, reaching to grab Lilac’s hand. “Come on!”

The Baudelaires once again shared a look, and then a nod, and then they followed Friday out.

Up near the outrigger was an incredibly huge and incredibly long white tent. Friday led them inside, where they saw several people already crowded around. There were several sheep laying against the walls, snoring soundly, and across at the edge of the tent was an old man with a beard as thick and wild as the sheep’s woolly coats. He sat on an enormous chair that looked as if it were fashioned out of white clay, and two more piles of clay rose up over his feet. Several people in similar robes to Friday were gathered around him, holding up items, and off to the side was a large sleigh where several items already stood.

“I found the propeller of an airplane.” said a pleasant-looking man.

“Well, Alonso,” said Ishmael, “I won’t force you, but I don’t think a propeller would be of much use.”

“We could make a fan.” Violet whispered.

“You’re right, Ishmael.” Alonso said, and he placed the propeller on the sleigh.

“I found this tool.” a girl a few years older than Lilac stepped forwards.

“Is that a dagger, Ariel?” Ishmael raised his eyebrows. “You know weapons aren’t allowed on the island.”

“It’s an old tool for cutting pages of books.” Ariel said.

“Well, we have no books on this island.” Ishmael said. “So it would be of little use. But I won’t force you.”

Klaus glanced down at Friday. “There are no books?”

“They get wet in storms.” Friday shrugged.

A plump man with a sunburned face said, “I found a cheese grater. I nearly lost a finger prying it away from a nest of crabs.”

“You shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble.” Ishmael said. “We’re not going to have much use for a cheese grater without any cheese.”

“Grate coconut, make cake.” Sunny said.

The man made a similar point. “We could grate other foods.”

“Well, I won’t force you, Sherman,” Ishmael said, “But I think we have all the food we need.”

Nick clenched his fists and turned to his siblings, and they nodded in agreement. Friday looked at them curiously, unsure of their thoughts.

“Go ahead and introduce us, if you want.” Lilac said to Friday, smiling encouragingly.

Friday nodded, and as Sherman put his cheese grater onto the wagon, she shouted over the crowd, “I found some castaways!”

They all turned, interested, and Friday brought the Baudelaires forwards. The crowd parted as they approached Ishmael, and Nick quickly grabbed Klaus’s hand, as Violet kept her arm under Lilac. Solitude had decided to walk over with Sunny, so she held her hand as they toddled across the dirt, to make sure she didn’t fall.

“Well, hello.” Ishmael said with a cordial smile. “And what should I call you?”

Lilac straightened up, knowing she was the only one of her siblings who could stay calm enough for introductions. “Lilac, Violet, Nick, Klaus, Solitude and Sunny Baudelaire.” she said.

Ishmael’s eyes flickered. “Baudelaire? Well, welcome to our island. Did you survive the storm last night?”

“Yes.” Violet said. “And there’s a bad man running around, too, named Count Olaf.”

“Well, we’ll deal with him, don’t you worry.” Ishmael said. “Now, Friday, what are those?” He pointed at her sunglasses.

“I thought they might be useful on bright days.” Friday said quietly.

“Well, I won’t force you, but I think we should retain our custom of only wearing white.” Ishmael said.

Lilac straightened up and gave Nick a nod that clearly communicated, Tear the bitch apart.

“And I think,” Nick said, stepping forwards, “That those could be useful.”

The islanders whispered amongst themselves, and Ishmael turned to Nick with a cold smile. “You must be tired from the storm, my boy. Friday can show you where to get robes-”

“We’re not changing.” Nick said.

The Islanders all stiffened, and Friday gasped. Ishmael simply stared. “Well,” he said, “It’s our custom to wear only white.”

“You cannot force me to wear white.” Lilac said.

“I won’t force you-” Ishmael began.

“And you won’t.” Nick said. “Listen up, you- someone cover Friday’s ears.” Klaus reached forwards and slammed his hands over Friday’s ears. “Alright. Listen up, you bitchass motherfucker. I don’t know what kind of a scam you’re running here, or what scheme you’re pulling, but we’re not falling into it. Thank you for the bandages for Lilac, but we’re gonna fuck off on our own now, thanks. We just got out of a cult, we’re not joining another one just because this island’s small as shit.”

The Islanders looked like Nick had just announced plans to end the world. A woman ran forwards and dragged Friday back with her; they realized quickly that was probably the young girl’s mother.

Ishmael frowned slightly. “Young man, you must be tired. Have some cordial-”

“Oh, and about the cordial,” Nick said. “Friday said it’s fermented, right? Yeah, that just makes it an opiate. We’re not gonna chug drugs just so you can convince us you know best and everything’s fine and we should toss away all our shit. I was drugged up once, it’s not fun.”

“Yeah, it’s not.” Violet agreed.

“Wait.” Solitude narrowed her eyes. “Nick, when were you-”

“Don’t ask.” he said. “Anyway, I’d rather not be high as a kite, living under a dictatorship claiming to be a democracy, while our Dickhead Asswipe Motherfucking Family Enemy is running around with a harpoon gun, and possibly a helmet of deadly fungus- speaking of which, any of you find a diving helmet, leave it closed, alright? Alright, cool, back to it. Violet, you look like you want a turn.”

“Yeah.” Violet nodded. “All these inventions suck, I could make you a fan and an irrigation system in, like, less than a week. You’re stifling creativity because it threatens you, and now it’s Klaus’s turn.”

“If you think I’m not going to tear the ocean apart to get a book, you’re dead fucking wrong.” Klaus said.

“I think-” Ishmael straightened, looking stern.

“And I think you’re hiding knowledge from everyone, like the knowledge they’re being drugged out of their minds.” Klaus said. “Soli?”

“I’m not throwing out my frog, bitchfuck.” Solitude said, as Babbitt hopped to her shoulder, having only just woken up, now very confused.

“Fuckshit.” Sunny said.

“I’m not gonna translate that for her,” Lilac said, “But know it was not pleasant. Anyway, I’m not subjecting my siblings to this cult bullshit that discourages innovation. So we’re gonna find someplace to set up camp, far away from here, and we’re gonna have fresh water and no fermented drugs and we get to keep whatever we want, and also we’re gonna need a knife in case Olaf shows up.”

“Yeet me.” Sunny said.

“You’re right, Sun, we’ll just beat him up. Nevermind.” Lilac said. “Anyway, thank you for the bandages, we’ll be on our way.”

“We’ll leave you alone to do your cult bullshit,” Klaus said, “But if you bother us, we bother you.”

“Kapiche?” Sunny said.

Everyone was dead silent. Friday, who could hear everything even with her mother’s hands over her ears- hands were never an effective block, anyway- was wide-eyed. Ishmael looked for one moment like he might explode.

Then, sternly, he narrowed his eyes and said, “Well. I won’t force you-”

“Then don’t.” Nick said. “Later, sluts.”

And with that, the Baudelaires walked out of the tent.

#asoue #asoue netflix #asoue movie #a series of unfortunate events #six baudelaires au #six baudelaires official fic #the end #mine #my fanfic

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buzznoow-blog · 4 years

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How to Make Conversation with Your Ex: Avoid the Awkward Silence

Ever been to an occurrence and suddenly you understand your ex is there? Here area unit ten recommendations on a way to build voice communication together with your ex and avoid any awkward silence.

Imagine—you’ve been invited to a marriage, work performed, or a celebration at a friend’s house. when cozying yourself with a cocktail and a plastic plate stuffed enthusiastically with food, you catch sight of your ex. this is often what we tend to decision social slipperiness. Why would the one you love friend invite your wretched ex to their event? you simply ought to acumen to form voice communication together with your ex.

Hey, it happens. and frequently there’s nothing you'll do regarding it unless you're a: one amongst these rare breeds WHO is truly friends with their ex, or b: don’t mind creating a large scene and being ‘that friend’ within the wedding.

How to build voice communication together with your ex

You know, if you fully should. We kid, we kid. Sort of. Unless you’re wanting to form everybody else around you extremely uncomfortable, breaking the ice together with your ex is just about essential if you’re stuck along at a performance or event. Here is a way to build voice communication together with your ex and be the larger person while not desperate to scrape your skin off with a cheese-grater.

So rather than having a shouting match or wickedly plotting against your ex-lover all night, here’s everything you wish to grasp on a way to build voice communication together with your ex.

#1 DO: raise queries. Asking open-ended queries may be a good way to induce to grasp somebody, therefore why not treat your ex like anyone else you’d meet at a party? there area unit about to be some queries you already apprehend the answers to, however, the implication of ‘let’s talk’ is that the same. Some voice communication starters include:

– How’s your family doing?

– How’d you pay your *recent holiday/summer*?

– How’s work?/Where area unit you operating now?

– What have you ever been up to since we tend to last spoke?

-Did you hear regarding *this awful thing* that *our mutual/once mutual friend* did?

– Any exciting plans coming back up?

You may or might not wish to raise if they're presently seeing anybody since it's going to sound like you’re striking on them or being implausibly content.

#2 DON’T: point out yourself an excessive amount of. keep in mind you’re in exceeding voice communication. That involves what, girls and gentlemen? That’s right, a voice communication happening with 2 folks, not simply you. We know, we know, you wish to rub your cool new life in your ex’s face, however, bragging regarding your glorious job and sexually satisfying partner might not be the subtlest thanks to approach a voice communication together with your ex.

#3 DO: attempt to notice common interests once more. you probably did like this person at one purpose. If you’re at bay for voice communication, why not reconnect over your past common interests? point out the most recent episode of a show you each like, a replacement computer game, a sporting event, or another interest.

#4 DON’T: point out your past relationship. once it involves learning a way to build voice communication together with your ex, remarking the past most likely isn’t your best route. This conjures up recent hurt feelings that you just most likely don’t wish to live at an assemblage.

It may additionally resort to lusty feelings or angry outbursts that area unit most likely best left in your past.

#5 DO: Share a private report. analysis suggests laughter is each an ironic and a social feeling. Laughter is additionally key to control social interactions, therefore why not use yarn to your advantage? Personal anecdotes work nice at parties, therefore why not strive one on your ex?

Share a wacky or embarrassing story that’s happened to you latterly and look forward to the laughs to appear. keep in mind to not incriminate yourself an excessive amount of, this is often still your ex we’re talking regarding.

#6 DON’T: Share your whole life history. Catching up with associate ex will truly be pleasant and will even bring a little quantity of closure to you each. simply don’t confuse catching up with telling your ex every single factor you’ve been up to since you were last tangled. Have an offer and take voice communication instead.

#7 DO: point out this event you’re at. however does one apprehend the bride or groom? What brings you to the current bar? WHO invited you to the party? All of that area unit dead cordial ways in which of constructing voice communication with associate ex at a social event.

Other event-related topics of voice communication are: what does one think about the dress, how’s the food, did you go along with friends, however long have you ever been here, and what did you bring as a gift?

#8 DON’T: Mistake being funny with being rude. wish to joke that whole cheating collapse you skilled in your relationship or however you hope the bride and groom at this perform find yourself happier than you 2 did? Ouch.

These could seem like funny ice-breakers in your head however same aloud they’re pretty rude. Watch that line between being funny and ostensible like your breakup has festered in your brain for but lang syne you last saw one another. [Read: sixteen signs your ex still needs you back in their life]

#9 DO: listen to your visual communication. Learning a way to build voice communication with somebody features a heap to try to to with visual communication. Smile, open up your posture, build eye contact, and build it evident that you just listen after they speak. These gestures may be overthrown if you’re creating voice communication together with your ex, and you’re attempting to not throw your cocktail in their content face.

So, what reasonably message area unit you causing to your ex? Avoiding eye contact just about says if you may abdomen wanting in their eyes you'll find yourself figuratively shooting daggers at them. Not friendly and positively awkward.

There is a tough balance if you’re attempting to play it cool. First, you don’t wish to look cold and closed off since this might build them assume you’re still bitter regarding the breakup. Second, you don’t wish to be too loving, since they will assume you’re trying to find a spherical 2 romp! Unless, er, you are. Then opt for it.

Best bet once reproof associate ex? Laugh once acceptable, nod after they speak, and don’t cross your arms. Crossing your arms = unhealthy and catty.

#10 DON’T: keep longer than you wish to. Sure, reproof your ex at an assemblage is that the mature factor to try to, however, don’t continue the voice communication longer than is comfy to try to to therefore. whether or not you bought drop or did the selling, this person remains your ex for a reason and there’s no purpose in sticking out around to open recent wounds for the sake of being polite.

Making voice communication with associate ex isn’t simple, however, it doesn’t get to be stomach-churningly awkward either. raise open-ended queries, veer far from your breakup, and you’ll air your thanks to a scintillating voice communication in no time. Or, maybe not.

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plasmamuffin-blog · 7 years

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The Lord of the Rings review: Part 1

So first off, this review is mainly about the lord of the rings book, although i will be doing some things in different orders. I am partly making fun of the plot, and partly making fun of the way it's written, and additionally, this is not meant to show disrespect for LOTR or it's fans, just as a fun thing, and while i do like LOTR and think it's cool, i do have some things to complain about.

Without further ado, the review:

The Lord of the Rings. One of the most popular and respected works of fantasy fiction in the world. And yet, the most boring book to read since the unabridged Oxford English Dictionary. What makes LOTR so popular, and what makes it so boring despite such critical acclaim? Let's find out.

The story begins with a riveting 40 pages detailing a party that has little to no significance to the actual plot. During this time, we learn that this part of the story takes part in a place called the shire, a peaceful farming land with rolling green hills and inhabited by hobbits(rumor has it that tolkien originally called them "fat midgets" but changed this as it wasn't culturally sensitive enough). Soon(a mere 36 years or so) after the party, the main character, frodo, finds that bilbo's ring, which he had passed on to frodo, was in fact the most dangerous magical artifact since the stainless steel cheese grater. It also happens to be the only thing capable of bringing the antagonist to full power. Yes, this humble ring is in fact the Legendary One Ring, created by the most hated and feared enemy of the people of middle-earth, and whose name inspired the title of the book: The Dark Lord, "Of The".

Wait, no, sorry, his name was actually Sauron. Frodo's generic bearded mentor, gandalf, informs him that the only solution is to destroy The Mcguffin Ring by throwing it into the Fires Of Mount Doom in which it was forged(created). Armed with this knowledge, and his faithful minion friend and gardener, sam(and his cousins, mary merry and pippin) our humble young hobbit sets out on an epic journey to destroy the ring.

100 short pages later, something actually relevant to the plot happens, garnished throughout with important events such as the finding of mushrooms(you had to be there, these mushrooms were really good), the appearance of a disturbingly cheery weirdo freak person named tom bombadil, and a chase scene wherein four midgets hobbits used to a comfortable life of eating twice their weight in junk food and moving no more than is neccessary for using the bathroom somehow manage to outrun several dark, evil, and anciently powerful creatures riding dark, powerful horses with an apparent max speed of 7.5 MPH. This plot-worthy event occurs in the village of bree, where the four hobbits get drunk and, due to their shrewd intellect and four long seconds of consideration, decide to take on a creepy guy with a sword they just met(they just met him, not the sword) named strider as a companion on literally the most important quest in the world.

While our young hobbits are thus occupied, the old wizard gandalf gets captured by an old friend, saruman, who decided to turn to the dark side because he gets a cool plasma ball as a "Welcome to the club" gift. Gandalf escapes, with the aid of a suspiciously convenient pet bird he purchased from the "help, i'm trapped at the top of a 500 story building" store for the price of one moth(which it is suspected that he stole).

After leaving bree, thomas frodo and his friends make it to weathertop(literally, "Large Rock") where they were supposed to meet gandalf. Gandalf is, of course, absent, so strider, using his strategical skills and a dash of common sense, decides to abandon the hobbits while he goes sightseeing. It is, of course, just what the Dark Riders(known as Ringwraiths) from the last paragraph were waiting for, and they charge in and attack the hobbits using the tried-and true battle technique of Standing Around Looking Intimidating Instead Of Actually Attacking the targets who they could easily overpower armed with nothing more than a saucepan while they wait for the protagonist's backup to arrive. And arrive it does, with strider breaking in at the last second to save the group. One of the more astute ringwraiths surmises that it would likely be a good idea to actually attack the target, and so stabs frodo with a dagger so ancient and powerful it crumbles to dust as soon as it is removed from the wound. While frodo struggles to remember first aid and decides to substitute ancient elven language as a family-friendly replacement for swear words, strider bravely fends off these most Ancient and Powerful enemies using the legendary weapon that is the bane of evil creatures everywhere; that's right, the legendary Fire On A Stick.

After seeing that frodo is unlikely to survive the roughly 700km trek to rivendell(literally, "Convenient Elf City"), the group encounters a Convenient Elf named arwen, who takes frodo to the city on horseback. Arwen and the now unconscious(he spends much of the book like this) frodo are chased by the black riders to the front porch of rivendell, a river, which spontaneously floods as soon as the black riders attempt to cross it.

Frodo awakes safe in rivendell, brought back from the very brink of death through powerful elven healing magic and the fact that he's the protagonist. Gandalf greets him and explains the whole unpleasant "being captured" business, which is quickly followed by roughly 200 pages of boring and pointless exposition mixed with 7 page long songs(which, being in book form, have no set tune, causing readers to have to substitute familiar tunes such as "Yankee Doodle") after which the elves, gandalf, strider(who is fined by the elves after it was discovered he used a fake ID and his real name was in fact aragorn), and a crowd of racially diverse people such as dwarves, humans, and the other hobbits meet together to discuss the ring. The decision, voted on by the group, is that a phenomenally dangerous and evil artifact(e.g the ring) should probably be destroyed. This is agreed to, and after heated discussion of how to accomplish this(some suggest the use of acid, fire, clorox, or exposure to justin bieber CDs), it is mentioned that the ring must be destroyed by throwing it into an active volcano. Unfortunately, mount st. helens had not been invented yet, and so the only volcano on the entire continent is Mount Doom. It is henceforth unanimously agreed upon that the only thing capable of bringing the dark lord sauron back to power is to be brought to within three blocks of his house in an attempt to destroy it. The obvious choice for this mission is the most skilled, talented, and strong among them: The very likely overweight and chronically depressed hobbit whose entire experience in this field is that he's pretty sure he knows how to pronounce "Macguffin".

Before leaving, bilbo, who had moved to rivendell, gives frodo his old sword and a piece of rare "Plot Armor", which is impenetrable to all but the most fourth-wall breaking attacks.

And so, the group sets off, consisting of frodo, sam, merry, pippin, gandalf, aragorn, boromir, an elf named legolas, and a dwarf named gimli with anger issues. Shortly after leaving rivendell, the group is forced to cross a snowy mountain, upon which they realize that none of them brought any warm clothes. It is then decided that they will go through the mines of moria, a gigantic mining city that has evaded the regulations of OSHA for centuries.

After being attacked by Cthulhu outside the mines, gandalf, who forgot the password, contacts technical support and gets it reset, allowing them to enter said mines. It is then revealed that the entire population of the mines was wiped out by orcs(literally "Big Ugly Guys") with the I.Q. of warm salad. Being dwarves, the inhabitants of the mines needed plenty of ceiling room, and thus the mines are way bigger than is strictly neccessary or convenient. after wandering around lost for a while, the group encounters a large group of orcs, who, of course, being mighty and feared warriors, are easily dispatched by the group without them even breaking a sweat.

However, the orcs had broughten(broughted? broughtinated?) a cave troll with them, which managed to stab frodo before being defeated. However, frodo, who the rest of the group had presumed to be dead, is revealed to be absolutely fine due to the shirt of plot armor he is wearing. Despite being extremely important and worth more than the shire itself, this shirt is completely forgotten and never brought up again. After the attack, the group finds they are being pursued by a large and powerful creature called a balrog, which chases them into a structurally ludicrous room the size of north dakota that completely lacks guardrails. Upon being asked what a balrog is, gandalf replies that it is a foe beyond any of them in power, and subsequently decides to challenge it to a 1v1. After picking a spot(specifically, a balance beam over a bottomless pit AKA literally the worst place to fight a balrog in the entire mine), gandalf spleefs the balrog into the pit, but is thrown down into it himself after he wisely decides to stand there and watch instead of running to safety. The rest of the group, heartbroken, then decides to journey to lothlorien(literally, "Rivendell MK2") for refuge, where the elves, having a clear understanding of economics, provide food and shelter free of charge to a group of people they just met.

After receiving these gifts(including a rope for sam and a glowstick for frodo), the group sets off downriver in boats procured(read: basically stolen) from the elves and end up in amon hen, where frodo, showing wisdom beyond his 85 years, wisely decides to wander off by himself, upon which the ring corrupts boromir who subsequently attempts to take it from frodo. The rest of the group, also very skilled in the fine art of strategy, wanders off randomly by themselves as well in order to search for frodo, which causes boromir to have to sacrifice himself to save merry and pippin from the conveniently placed orcs, which end up capturing the two anyway. Upon finding boromir, who, thanks to the orc archers, now resembles a large pincushion, aragorn, legolas, and gimli get to watch him die from his wounds, after which they send him downriver in a boat in a makeshift burial at sea.

Meanwhile, frodo(who becomes wiser every page), attempts to sneak off to mordor on his own, but is caught by sam, who is determined to go with him.

This ends part 1 of the review of the lord of the rings.

#Lord of the Rings #Tolkien #funny #review

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kristannafever · 7 years

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In The City of Angels - Chapter 6

KRISTANNA MODERN AU Rated: M (swearing, sexual tension)

Chapter Index

Kristoff decided to stay awake after the angry phone call warning him to stay away from Anna. His knew his mind would be too bothered to try and fall back asleep, so he made himself coffee and grabbed and old copy of the first Braided Steel book from a stack in his dresser. He wanted to familiarize himself with the books again since it had been so long since he had read them, and he now happened to know the author. Who you are completely in love with, his mind told him. Shut up, she has a boyfriend, he told himself.

Kristoff was a good way into the book and on a third cup of coffee when he heard a text message tone from his pocket. He fished his phone out of his pants, and his spirits lifted seeing it was from Anna.

I have a massive headache, it read.

- Haha you drank a lot, he texted back

I know. The night is cloudy. WHY DID WE GO DANCING, I HATE DANCING.

- your sister wanted to go

Oh right. I’m so thirsty I need water haha. Thanks for taking us out last night.

- My pleasure

Can you come over tonight too? We’ll behave I promise!!!

He hesitated, unsure of what to say. After he had heard Anna and her sister talk about Hans and so many other things, he felt like an intruder into their world. As much as he wanted to know more about her, he felt suddenly like he was overstepping a boundary, not to mention the angry warning that had woken him up, knowing full well it had been Hans. But his phone dinged again; he was apparently taking too long to anwser.

I’m sorry if we said anything to offend you. I can’t remember much I HATE wine! Please come over tonight please!

- Sure what time?

YAY!!! How about 6? We’ll make a whole mess of spaghetti!!

- Sounds good. See you then, he texted back.

He smiled. He couldn’t help but smile. These last two crazy weeks of getting to know Anna a little but more had meant more to him than all the other relationships he had combined, and yet, he still had to remind himself that she was unavailable.

He knew now that Anna and Hans had issues, but he also knew that all couples did. Yet there was something about the way she acted when she was around him that made Kristoff think that there was something more than just a friendship going on between them.

He wasn’t stupid, and he could see the signs as clear as day, but he could also see the turmoil within her. The last thing he wanted was to profess his feelings towards her, only to have her decide that she would rather be with someone like Hans. Someone who would do all the romantic things that he knew would never even cross his mind.

Despite his fame he remained a simple man. He never had much to offer a women besides treating her with utter and complete respect and honesty. He knew he had nothing to bid in the way of courtship except his love, but he also knew that he could protect; that he would fight for what is right and fight for the ones he loved.

He had heard Anna express her distaste over certain things, but he also knew that someone who had a mind for romance like Hans could probably find a way to win over any heart. He chided himself for not being the type of man that could understand those wants of a woman, and he supposed that was maybe why he struggled so hard with relationships in the past. Sunny herself had told him many times that he needed to be more romantic, and yet the idea of buying small gifts that did not last(such as flowers) seemed silly and meaningless to him.

The more he thought about Anna the more he decided that maybe there was someone else out there who could appreciate him for who he was, even if he was ignorant at romance. Maybe there was a woman out there who would complete him and be there for him, and understand him. But somehow the more he pictured of this woman, the clearer Anna’s face came to his mind. His heart knew, but his mind refused to accept it because she was with someone else.

He decided to go running himself that morning, knowing that Anna would not be on the trails. With music blaring in his ears and the only sensations being his pumping legs and rhythmic breathing, he was able to think clearly for the first time in a long time. He realized suddenly too why Anna chose to run outside everyday. For his movies he was always on the treadmill, endlessly pumping cardio into his workout regimen, and yet being outside in the elements, feeling the breeze on his face and smelling the park he realized that he was missing out on a lot of things.

When he got back to his place he took a shower, and decided that there would be no better way to spend the afternoon than to go for a ride.

He donned his leather and helmet and stradled the bike, turning the key and feeling the machine come to life between his legs. It exhilarated him, as it always did and always would.

He rode through the hills without a destination, just following the road until it was time to turn back. There was no simple way he could describe the feeling of just riding, feeling every curve and every straight in a different way with the breeze in his face. It was like meditation in a way; it cleared his mind of trouble.

When he returned home he was completely relaxed and looked forward to seeing Anna again.

*****

When he walked in her house that evening it smelled wonderful. There were meatballs on the counter and a pot of water boiling away on the stove. Elsa was mixing tomatoes and spices in a bowl and Anna was grating mozzarella cheese.

“What can I do?”�� He asked.

“Here, take over, I have to check the pasta.” She said pushing the grater and the bowl towards him. He gladly grated the rest of the block of cheese while Anna drained the pot in the sink. He watched in fascination as Elsa coated the pasta in the tomato sauce and Anna began scooping it into a roaster. She layered it twice like a lasagna, with meatballs and cheese, and then put it in the oven.

“Our Mother used to make this when we were kids.” Elsa told him. “It’s the best baked spaghetti you will ever taste, I promise.”

“The meatballs are home-made too.” Anna said, playfully waggling her eyebrows at him.

“It looks delicious. I can’t wait to try it.” He told them through a smile.

There was a sharp knock at the door and Anna left to answer it. Kristoff was about to ask Elsa how often her and Anna had made the spaghetti over the years, when he head a voice that filled him with dread. “Surprise!”

“Hans! What are you doing here?” He could hear Anna say from the foyer.

“I came back a day early to surprise you.” He said. “And I brought you this.”

He relized Elsa was looking at him closly as they listened to the exchange.

“Oh Hans... its beautiful, I... I don’t know what to say.”

“All you need to do is wear it and look pretty.” Hans said, his voice getting louder as he came further into the house.

He came into the kitchen where Kristoff and Elsa were sitting, and there was no mistaking the daggers in his eyes when he locked his gaze with Kristoff. “Oh! I hope I’m not interrupting anything.” He said lightly, but Kristoff could hear the underlying anger in his tone.

“No, we are just making spaghetti.” Anna’s voice was low, a shining diamond necklace now dangling beautifully from her neck.

“Must have been quite the party last night.” Hans was fishing. “On my flight home today I saw the pictures all over the internet.”

“Pictures?” Anna asked, confused.

“Of course. You don’t go dancing with Hollywood’s favorite action star without getting your picture taken a couple of hundred times.” Hans pulled his phone from his pocket and handed it to Anna. Her face contorted with embarrassment.

“You honestly didn’t know?” He asked her in a tone that implied she was stupid, and that pissed Kristoff off to no end.

She shook her head. “No, I, we were just having so much fun...”

“Well if you don’t want your picture plastered all over social media, then I suggest you go dancing with someone who isn’t as, how shall we put this, in the spotlight?”

Kristoff was boiling with anger, but the last thing he wanted to do was make matters worse. “Ok, I’m going to go. I’m sorry Anna.” He left before there was any more words from anyone. He shut the door quietly and headed down the steps.

“Kristoff.” He heard his name whispered when he reached the driveway. He turned to see Elsa, closing the door behind her and coming down to talk to him. “I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but... please don’t give up on her.”

“What do you mean?” He asked, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck nervously.

“Last night after you left, all she could talk about was you. She went on and on and on about how much fun she has talking to you and spending time with you and how she can’t wait to go on a ride with you and.... well let’s just say Hans never came up once.”

“Uh, ok then.” He said feeling uncomfortable.

”Plus I see the way you look at her. It’s the same way she looks at you.” Elsa said and hurried back into the house without a backward glance.

*****

Kristoff sat dejectedly at his table with an uneaten salad in front of him poking it absently with a fork. He was lost in thought, until there was a soft knock at his door. He answered it, surprised to see Anna standing there.

“Here,” she said holding out a glass container covered with foil “Spaghetti.”

He took it from her, hating the sadness in her eyes. He was about to invite her in when she spoke. “I’m so sorry about Hans. I, uh, wanted you to try it though... the spaghetti. It really is good.”

“Anna,” He stared but she was already turning around.

“I have to go. I’m so sorry.” She said and walked briskly down his driveway without another word. He shut his door slowly and took the warm container to his table, pushing the salad plate away. He opened the container and was hit with the delicious smell. He twirled his fork in it and tasted it, and dammed if it wasn’t the best spaghetti he had ever had. She had given him enough for two meals, but he at it all, thinking the whole time with worry of Anna and when he might get to talk to her again.

#in the city of angels #cee wrote this mess #kristoff #anna #kristanna #kristanna modern au

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swrx-rant · 6 years

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FORUMS!

THEY ALMOST ALWAYS SUCK, AND THAT HAS LESS TO DO WITH THE USERS THAN THE FUCKING DEVS AND MODS.

SEARCH FUCKING SUCKS - I mean way worse than web-search in general. If you are looking for a specific topic, GOOD FUCKING LUCK. Your best bet is to use a suck-ass web-crawler/search like Google if you want to find anything on a god damned forum.

Searches NEVER USE CONTEXT... if I’m on the page for WINDOWS FUCKING 7, then why are results for versions XP, Vista, 8, and 10 appearing HIGHER in the list?

Searches rarely implement TAGS well, especially the ability to CROSS-REFERENCE TAGS. So, if I search the tags #Tomato #Soup #Recipe, I would actually get ALL AND ONLY recipe results for soups that use tomato, NOT EVERY FUCKING RECIPE ON YOU SITE PLUS EVERY PAGE THAT DISCUSSES SOUPS OR TOMATOES RETURNED IN RANDOM ORDER THAT PLACES THE FIRST RELEVANT MATCH SOMEWHERE ON PAGE FOURTEEN OF FIFTY-THOUSAND!

NAVIGATION FUCKING SUCKS - and this makes the shit-sucking search process all the more painful. Less than 1% of forums are designed with LOGICAL SUB-CATEGORY LEVEL AND RECURSIVE SUB-FORUMS that are applicable to the purpose/theme of the forum. If, for example, you are Microshit and you create a user forum (especially to build free crowd-based help as so many companies are doing rather than staffing call centers with trained and experienced individuals who are competent in the technologies they are assisting with as well as the language the customers are speaking...), then you are EXPECTED to create a Super-Forum and split it first by PRODUCT FAMILY, then split the products into Sub-Forums by PRODUCT MAJOR-VERSION (not fucking build number, jackasses! The same goes for fucking Patch Notes), and then, if you aren’t a total douche you will create an ALTERNATE DIMENSION OF SUBDIVISION, this time by ELEMENT or MAJOR FEATURES - which unless you are a fargin-idgit MUST INCLUDE: “INTERFACE/USER-EXPERIENCE”, “BUGS” (and this one subdivides by the NATURE OF THE BUG AS PERCEIVED BY USERS... these bugs are DISEASES, and like diseases they should be NAMED and CATEGORIZED by SYMPTOMS, but you can skip the Latin names like Mnemitis for an Inflammation of the Memory... which is a fair description of a MEMORY LEAK.), “PERFORMANCE”, “INSTALLATION/ACTIVATION/UPDATES”, “PRIMARY-FUNCTION”, and individually listed USEFUL FEATURES with the ability to add subtopics as necessary ad infinitum. (don’t take that to mean spam us with infinite numbers of adverts)

If you’re not already familiar, check out PHP.NET’s online function reference, its like a hybrid between an authoritarian-wiki and an open forum. Each entry is RELEVANT and EASY TO LOCATE, it has ESSENTIAL INFORMATION and CONCISE EXAMPLES, and allows anyone to give direct USER FEEDBACK//NOTES - I cannot stress the importance of this last part enough, LET PEOPLE TELL YOU WHAT THE FUCK THEY THINK ABOUT EACH FEATURE/ISSUE. You don’t have to automatically make them publicly visible, but you are dipshits if you ignore the extremely valuable resource/insight into your customer-base. Too damned many companies make it unbearably difficult for users to give them FEEDBACK, then they bitch when people switch to a smarter product from a company that actually gives a shit. (hey, that’s not a bad slogan... “we actually give a shit”... the word actually serves to chide the competition here... ;p Along the same vein as, “unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English Accent.”)

THE MODERATORS FUCKING SUCK - I’m sorry, but you guys do. I understand that you’re mainly trying to keep an amorphous blob of bile and twigs from deteriorating into complete crap... but you are FAILING, and its not your fault... the game was rigged from the start, because they were SHIT from the moment they first went online. You guys suck at your jobs because the JOB SUCKS and that’s because the fucking RULES SUCK. Whomever the fuck came up with this shit needs to have a cheese grater ran along their eyelids for an hour each morning.

THE RULES FUCKING SUCK - so of course they turn the mods into assholes and other posters into fuckwads. There are so many issues here, but I will try to focus on the biggest tossers of all the ideas that went into these digital colostomy sacks:

NO NECROS - first of all, if you can bring the dead back to life you deserve a fucking medal, not to be given shit by peers and admins alike, and it’s not like I’m advocating Necro-Larry for President.. though he really wouldn’t be any more scandalous then what we’ve already had. But, more to the point, DO YOU ASSHOLES UNDERSTAND WHAT THE INTERNET FUCKING IS??? (and I’m not being existential here, we’ll leave the philosophical impacts for the future to reflect on). THERE IS NO PAST, THE INTERNET EXISTS IN THE ETERNAL NOW WE CALL THE PRESENT. That means NO MATTER HOW OLD THE POST IS, PEOPLE WILL STUMBLE ACROSS IT IN THE FUTURE. And it will be JUST AS RELEVANT THEN AS IT WAS WHEN CREATED! Especially since BUGS DON’T STAY DEAD, so why should decriers of old problems be told to shut the fuck up? That’s like saying, “Homelessness? We talked about that once in 1932, stop bringing it up already! It’s a dead issue!” (this is the kind of shit you get from people who want to IGNORE PROBLEMS instead of addressing them - FUCK THOSE PEOPLE, THE GENE POOL IS BETTER OFF WITHOUT THEM!) [wow, if you just read the bold that’s really dark... lol. I’m starting to sound like an industrialist.]

LOCKING THREADS - fucking stupid to begin with, especially in response to necromancy, but lets not forget their monumentally fucktarded cousin, the Self-Locking Thread - what kind of cold war cloak and dagger fantasizing bullshit is this? This thread will self-destruct in 5 seconds! I don’t care if its been 10 years, if the problem ain’t been fixed, then SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET TO WORK, don’t cry about someone posting relevant information just because you’ve given up hope of ever fixing it... or assumed no one has noticed.

YOU MUST BE LOGGED IN TO POST - that’s kinda like saying you must suck my ass to breathe... it was a shitty idea when some fuckwad dreamed up that god awful movie, and it ain’t gettin any better. Now, I’m not suggesting anons should be treated the same, but ANYONE should be allowed to post FEEDBACK or SUGGESTIONS whether or not they have an account with your fucktarded forum. Google-Tourists have the right to be heard too! If I find your thread by accident (which lets face it, any result in a Google Search is pretty much an accident), and have something to contribute, I should be able to do so without jumping through 60 billion hoops. I don’t want to be a member, but when a Medical Doctor overhears someone giving Awful Medical Advice or finds someone that ISN’T GETTING THE HELP THEY NEED/ASKED FOR, it is their responsibility to become involved! The same goes for any other profession, I may not be “one of you”, but I know what the fuck I’m talking about so listen the fuck up and be grateful I give a shit (unlike many of you). [wow, that came across conceited... lmao]

REVERSE PAGE ORDER - you lazy, half-assed mother fucking programmers! Shame on you. It might seem like a good idea at the time, but this is one of the biggest blunders you can expound on the web. YOUR FUCKING PAGES MOVE, ¡CAVRONE! Do you understand this??? If a user BOOKMARKS A PAGE, they WON’T GET THE SAME PAGE when they reopen it a year later!!! What does it matter? Go back up and reread the bit about the web being TIMELESS... [take a Physics Lesson while you are at it, this is like asking what was before the Universe... there was no time (as we know it) before the universe, therefor there was nothing before it.] So, when I find your forum in a Floogol search and it links me to page 6 when the actual content it matched is now on page 147, I am understandably PISSED THE FUCK OFF... and the first thing I do is curse Larry and Serge, then I realize this one isn’t even their fault.

I’m sure there are a bunch more rules that are written by simpletons for assholes, but that’s enough for now.

TROLLS FUCKING SUCK - even when they not trying to be assholes, they fail miserably at common decency. I swear I am going to kill the next motherfucker who posts “why would you want to ____” as a reply, especially on a Tech Support Forum. It doesn’t even matter whether its my post, or something I stumbled across after 6 hours of screaming at Serge and Larry’s even less than unhelpful online information location apparatus.

MVPs are Worse than Trolls - how the fuck did these dickshits get the job of officially representing the company? They know less than shit about the product they are supporting, and most of the time they suggest installing questionable third party crapware to solve the problem. (Please don’t confuse “the Microsoft MVPs”, who are actually pretty cool and helpful, with the dumbasses that Microsoft calls MVPs on their fucking support forums... these guys barely speak English and haven’t written a line of code in their life!)

And despite an extra row of Microsoft bashing, this wasn’t targeted at their forums any more than Blizzards or any others... ALL FORUMS ARE SHIT!!!!

But, hey, you knew all this already... so who the fuck am I even talking to here?

#Forums #Forums Suck #Bad Design #Bad by Design #Fuck Microsoft #Fuck Google Search #Fuck Trolls #Necromancy FTW!#Necro-Larry for President

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russellthornton · 7 years

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How to Make Conversation with Your Ex: Avoid the Awkward Silence

Ever been to an event and suddenly you realize your ex is there? Here are 10 tips on how to make conversation with your ex and avoid any awkward silence.

Imagine—you’ve been invited to a wedding, work function, or a party at a friend’s house. After cozying yourself with a martini and a plastic plate filled sky-high with food, you catch sight of your ex. This is what we call social trickiness. Why would your beloved friend invite your wretched ex to their event? You just need to know how to make conversation with your ex.

Hey, it happens. And usually there’s nothing you can do about it unless you are a: one of these rare breeds who is actually friends with their ex, or b: don’t mind making a giant scene and being ‘that friend’ in the wedding party.

How to make conversation with your ex

You know, if you absolutely must. We kid, we kid. Sort of. Unless you’re looking to make everyone else around you highly uncomfortable, breaking the ice with your ex is pretty much essential if you’re stuck together at a function or event. Here is how to make conversation with your ex and be the bigger person without wanting to scrape your skin off with a cheese-grater.

So instead of having a shouting match or evilly plotting against your ex-lover all night, here’s everything you need to know on how to make conversation with your ex. [Read: 14 things you HAVE to keep in mind when you accidentally bump into an ex]

#1 DO: Ask questions. Asking open-ended questions is a great way to get to know someone, so why not treat your ex like anyone else you’d meet at a party? Obviously, there are going to be some questions you already know the answers to, but the implication of ‘let’s talk’ is the same. Some conversation starters include:

– How’s your family doing? – How’d you spend your *recent holiday/summer*? – How’s work?/Where are you working now? – What have you been up to since we last spoke? -Did you hear about *this awesome thing* that *our mutual/once mutual friend* did? – Any exciting plans coming up?

You may or may not want to ask if they are currently seeing anybody since it may sound like you’re hitting on them or being incredibly smug. [Read: Sex with your ex – When it’s okay and when you have to stay clear]

#2 DON’T: Talk about yourself too much. Remember you’re in a conversation. That involves what, ladies and gentleman? That’s right, a conversation happening with two people, not just you. We know, we know, you want to rub your cool new life in your ex’s face, but bragging about your excellent job and sexually satisfying partner may not be the subtlest way to approach a conversation with your ex.

#3 DO: Try and find common interests again. You did like this person at one point. If you’re trapped for conversation, why not reconnect over your past common interests? Talk about the latest episode of a show you both like, a new video game, a sporting event, or some other pastime.

#4 DON’T: Talk about your past relationship. When it comes to learning how to make conversation with your ex, bringing up the past probably isn’t your best route. This conjures up old hurt feelings that you probably don’t want to relive at a social gathering.

It may also resort to lusty feelings or angry outbursts that are probably best left in your past. [Read: Break up sex and 10 circumstances where it works]

#5 DO: Share a personal anecdote. Research suggests laughter is both a humorous and a social emotion. Laughter is also key for regulating social interactions, so why not use a funny story to your advantage? Personal anecdotes work great at parties, so why not try one on your ex?

Share a wacky or embarrassing story that’s happened to you recently and wait for the laughs to roll in. Remember not to incriminate yourself too much, this is still your ex we’re talking about.

#6 DON’T: Share your whole life story. Catching up with an ex can actually be enjoyable and may even bring a small amount of closure to you both. Just don’t confuse catching up with telling your ex every single thing you’ve been up to since you were last intertwined. Have a give and take conversation instead.

#7 DO: Talk about the current event you’re at. How do you know the bride or groom? What brings you to this bar? Who invited you to the party? All of these are perfectly cordial ways of making conversation with an ex at a social function.

Other event-related topics of conversation are: what do you think of the dress, how’s the food, did you come with friends, how long have you been here, and what did you bring as a gift? [Read: Tongue-tied? 35 brilliant conversation starters]

#8 DON’T: Mistake being funny with being rude. Want to joke about that whole cheating fiasco you experienced in your relationship or how you hope the bride and groom at this function end up happier than you two did? Ouch.

These may seem like funny ice-breakers in your head but said out loud they’re pretty rude. Watch that line between being funny and seeming like your breakup has festered in your brain for however long since you last saw each other. [Read: 16 signs your ex still wants you back in their life]

#9 DO: Pay attention to your body language. Learning how to make conversation with someone has a lot to do with body language. Smile, open up your posture, make eye contact, and make it evident that you listen when they speak. These gestures can be overthrown if you’re making conversation with your ex, and you’re trying not to throw your cocktail in their smug face.

So, what kind of message are you sending to your ex? Avoiding eye contact pretty much says if you could stomach looking in their eyes you may end up figuratively shooting daggers at them. Not friendly and definitely awkward.

There is a tricky balance if you’re trying to play it cool. First, you don’t want to seem cold and closed off since this could make them think you’re still bitter about the breakup. Second, you don’t want to be too touchy-feely, since they may think you’re looking for a round two romp! Unless, er, you are. Then go for it.

Best bet when talking to an ex? Laugh when appropriate, nod when they speak, and don’t cross your arms. Crossing your arms = bad and bitchy. [Read: 10 subtle body language moves to appear more confident]

#10 DON’T: Stay longer than you want to. Sure, talking to your ex at a social gathering is the mature thing to do, but don’t carry on the conversation longer than is comfortable to do so. Whether you got dumped or did the dumping, this person is still your ex for a reason and there’s no point in sticking around to reopen old wounds for the sake of being polite.

[Read: How to be friends with an ex without any complications]

Making conversation with an ex isn’t easy, but it doesn’t have to be stomach-churningly awkward either. Ask open-ended questions, veer away from your breakup, and you’ll be on your way to a scintillating conversation in no time. Or, maybe not.

The post How to Make Conversation with Your Ex: Avoid the Awkward Silence is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.

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