okay okay i am technically studying for my upcoming exams, so i can't say i'll draw them immediately, but requests are now open!!!

yeah it's been ages since i've last opened those >:'Dc to be fair i never had the time (and i still don't honestly but shhh) and was already busy enough with ideas of my own to finish-

now tho? i'm dry on inspiration hhh so you're welcome to drop by and send me whatever comes to mind!! (utmv/undertale fandom stuff only tho) <333

Please tag ☔

Hi, I hope you're all doing well.. and I appreciate you guys taking thw time to help everyone seding asks on this blog...

This a trigger warning for possible childhood sexual assault...

How do you know if a memory is fake? There's been something itching in the back of my mind periodically for many years and frankly I'm to scared to possibly confront it in the result of it being true. The thing is I don't really remember the specific event, but I just have this feeling that I might have been abused as a child when I was like 8ish, I'm 24 now. The few things that I do remember is this man, I'll call D, who was a coworker and close enough friend to my Dad that he came over to our house a few times, looking back on it now he had a really weird kind of connection(?) with me more so then he did with my brother who is a year older than me. He just always seemed to gravitate towards me and would rather draw with me then rough house with my brother. D was an artist and so he would draw me things, he would draw my other family things too but the majority of the art was stuff I liked. We still have all these drawings and there's one that, now as an adult, just makes me really uncomfortable. D had drawn a picture of us two smiling heads tilted together like we were looking at a camera, but he drew me as what he imagined me to be as a young adult instead of the child I was, I never asked for that drawing he just drew when he was home and gave it to me the next time he was at our house. He never drew any of my other family members, just me and him. Which I frankly think is a really weird thing to draw an aged up version of your friends child to be about the same age as you are in the drawing. The thing is I know those memories are real. But I have a very distinct memory that I don't know if its real but its so loud in my head when it pops up that I feel like it is. My parents were going to a concert and so D was watching us in the evening until the early morning when my parents would get back. I don't know if my mom had a creepy feeling about him or what but I remember right before they left she came into my room to say goodbye and I just remembered her being really stern with me and telling me that D was not to sleep in my bed with me, even if he asked she wanted to make sure I was to tell him no. I was confused as to why she was saying this and I just told her that I knew that and I didn't want to sleep in bed with him. It was really weird cause she had never said this to me when anyone else had watched us before, male or female. I don't have any other memories of that night. And I don't remember if he ever came to the house again after that night. This "memory" has stuck in my head for years as a weird statement from my mom but it wasn't until a teenager that I kept going back to it as a what if I was abused. I have adhd and my memory is generally bad so I don't remember much from my childhood and I'm really antisocial and I have a lot of intimacy issues so I've never been in a romantic relationship, so one time when I was in my late teens my mom pulled me aside and we were just talking and she just asked me if any of my dads friends ever assaulted me as a child and thats why I didn't ever show interest in a relationship and didn't feel like I could tell my parents. I had said no because I was taken aback by the question and I didn't think I was, and if I had been I surely would have told my parents because I knew even as a child my Dad would kill anyone who hurt me or my brother and that he would've protected me. I'm really scared to ask my Mom about if she knows anything because I don't know how to bring it up or if she'll even remember but I really really feel like I need closure on if this is real or not. I've never had any other memories about anyone else ever hurting me like that, just the thought that D might have. I would like some advice on how to figure out if this is a real memory or how to bring it up with my Mom. I'll be going to a therapist soonish for the first time but thats for something else and I'm a bit to scared to brooch this subject with the therapist until I have more solid answers. Thank you for you time. And I really appreciate all you guys do.

Hey there,

When trying to figure out if a memory is fake or not, I think that it’s really important to trust your instincts and how it made you feel personally looking back on those possible memories and the person you are today. For example, sometimes when a person is abused by another, they may find it really hard and difficult to put trust in another person/ feel comfortable around them in some or all situations and may/ may not have trouble with intimacy. I, of course, cannot tell you if or how you may be able to tell if this memory you are having is fake or not as this is something you really need to explore into it by yourself (if you feel able and are in a good headspace to do so) and try to ask those really hard questions which will hopefully be able to give you some peace of mind or closure of what may have happened when you were a child in regards to with D.

So, how may you be able to bring this up with your Mum?

You mentioned in your Ask that you Mum asked you if you had ever been abused by one of your Dad’s friends, and so maybe this would be a good starting point in which to initiate a conversation about it with your Mum. You could perhaps say something like “you know when you asked me if any of Dad’s friends had abused me, I was wondering what made you ask that” - if she had a feeling that something had happened or if she was just feeling as though something could have happened with D or another one of your Dad’s friends. I think it is really important to try to talk to your Mum about why she asked you and her reasoning behind it, it may also help you to remember and/ or put together some of your childhood memories to help you to better make sense of things. Of course though, and understandably, this will not be easy at all to talk to your Mum about so maybe you could send her a text message when and if you feel able and comfortable in doing so and just letting her know you want to talk about or know more about what she remembers from when you were a child growing up but are not sure how to bring the conversation up. This may be a good ice breaker into starting to talk about this stuff.

I think that it’s really great that you are seeing a therapist soon even if it is for other things other than your memories and possible abuse. Maybe though, after getting to know and feeling more comfortable with the therapist that you see, you may be able to talk to them too about this stuff as they will be best able to help you to cope with whatever may come up and get some closure and/ or being able to leave the past in the past to a degree and moving on to focusing on your future. Of course though by all means, speak first to your therapist about the things you need to, but always know that you can talk to them about these memories as well when you feel comfortable in doing so.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

☕️ post-war hawkeye

Thanks for the ask!

I cannot stand the idea of Hawkeye retiring from his surgery career to be a small town doctor. As far as I'm concerned Hawkeye's post canon character arc should be getting back into surgery and reclaiming the career that he’s described as the only thing he ever wanted to do with his life.

I mentioned in the last ask that I'm not sure what the intent was with that in canon, it probably wasn't meant to be this tragic, but imo it's pretty easy to draw some angsty connections to explain why Hawk quits surgery. Maybe someday I'll write a fic about this, but til then here's meta I guess.

SO I think it comes back to Letters and Hawkeye questioning his role as a surgeon in a war zone, equating it to weapons repair, and saying he can't deny it and he can't live with it. In Letters the one thing that keeps him going is saving an innocent life, a Korean kid who presumably won't go on to kill more people.

Then, yk, in the finale he feels responsible for the death of an innocent baby. So that kind of rips away the one ray of hope in his existence as part of the army. It counteracts his ability to save people, makes it feel worthless and futile, and leaves him with nothing but death on his hands to show for his last two years as a surgeon. So now the thought of doing it for a living fucks him up.

And my ideal post-war Hawkeye fic would be Hawkeye dealing with this and getting over it by internalizing the fact that he was essentially a victim of the draft and he did what he could in the situation he was stuck in.

Anyway aside from that, hmm.

I don't think Hawkeye would isolate himself, or if he did, it would be... bad. A huge warning sign. Hawkeye always seeks people out, he hates being alone. I think his mental health would deteriorate very quickly in isolation, and Hawkeye knows it, and if he was isolating himself I would frankly expect like, a suicide attempt to follow lol.

tbh I don’t think he would necessarily be outwardly, overtly... troubled? idk a lot is made of Hawkeye coming home broken and fucked up and depressed and miserable etc and like, yeah he had a breakdown and he’s been in a war and he’s gonna have issues about it (and like I just detailed one of those issues up there), but I think he’s actually pretty well equipped to recover and already started the process in GFA, and I don’t think he’d be completely miserable at the start, or fundamentally changed overall.

Also while I’m planning to lean into the alcoholism in my own post-canon fic if I ever get that going, I actually think canon kinda implies the opposite. First with Bottle Fatigue where he belligerently proves he can drop the booze and is also the only one who worries about it, and then not drinking, or at least staying sober, in pretty noticeable contrast to BJ getting wasted at the farewell party, iirc.

I guess I think Hawkeye is actually pretty resilient, which is also a reason I can see him getting back into surgery once he deals with what I think is the underlying cause. His emotional vulnerability makes him more susceptible to the trauma of the war, as we see when he’s the character who has a climactic mental breakdown, but I think it also makes him more capable of healing.

Like whereas I envision BJ being a huge mess for years to come, eg, because he doesn’t really do self reflection or therapy, I see Hawkeye coming out the other side relatively soon (months, rather than years) and picking his life back up where he left off.

I think that’s also supported by a lot of what Sidney says to him in the various Hawkeye therapy episodes, eg suggesting that Hawkeye’s intense negative emotional reactions are a sign that he’s emotionally healthy in Hawk’s Nightmare, and again the general theme of “going insane in a war zone is a sane reaction.”

I also disregard Alan Alda pushing 50 while playing a 30 year old lol. I buy that he has greying hair now, that’s a fine detail, but I’m not really into taking every flaw and inadvertant side-effect of a long running tv show as diegetic canon, I’m more of a ‘just take it in the spirit intended and suspend your disbelief sometimes’ type, at least when it comes to Mash. So I’m not that into the idea of Daniel Pierce seeing Hawkeye and going omg he’s aged 20 years in 2 years what did the war do to him???? it feels a little over the top to me. Same way I just ignore that Radar is balding at 19.

I lean sliiiightly towards BJ keeping in touch with Hawkeye as opposed to detaching himself completely, because I really like the idea of BJ getting as weird about Hawkeye as he was about Peggy lol, but I also like the idea of BJ’s finale promises that they’ll keep in touch being as empty as his promise that a kid’s leg will be fine in that one episode. Tough call. If he did keep in touch Hawkeye would respond, and if he didn’t I could see Hawkeye not sending letters first. He does seem to have a bit of a fatalistic view of long distance relationships lol.

I’m a big fan of Hawkeye and Charles staying in touch and visiting each other, possibly working together. I think they could have a great post-war dynamic. Also a big fan of Hawkeye and Trapper reconnecting. I don’t think Hawkeye and Margaret would stay friends (I say this despite them being my favourite platonic relationship on the show lol) but they’d send each other yearly Christmas cards. Klinger would keep in touch. I’m ambivalent about everyone else.

And I’ve mentioned this a little bit but I like the idea of Hawkeye getting more political rather than dropping it after the war. He’s talked about how great protesting is, he writes angry letters about societal issues, when he cares about something it translates to wanting to actively do something, and I don’t see that as just a war-time coping mechanism. If he was a real person who knows how his politics would e or devolve lol, but as a fictional construct he’s essentially defined as a politically aware bleeding heart with socialist tendencies in comparsion to everyone else on the show so I see no reason to assume that would go away.

Oh also finally in theory I kind of dig the idea of Hawkeye/some dude he didn’t meet in Korea. I like Hawkeye/Trapper post-war endgame a lot, but I think like... thematically Hawkeye getting together with some guy unassociated with the war would be the most fitting post-canon relationship.

send me a ☕️ and a topic and i’ll talk about how i feel about it

If you're doing fics for lines, I've got one. Any fandom you want. -"Yeah, I'm sure. Bedrock solid and blue sky certain."

THIS ONE took forever. Not because I didn’t have an idea for it, but due to having too many. BUT HERE WE ARE I FINALLY SETTLED.

Izuku’s breath shook just as much as his hands did. 

He’d never seen one up close before. Nobody had. It was called a ‘Nightfury’ known for being able to blend into the sky and strike like the mighty lightning of Thor. It knew no bounds, had no limits, was a rare sight on the battlefield, and had a flee on sight, a ‘hide and pray’ approach in every book Izuku had ever read.

And Izuku was the idiot that was about to poke one with a stick. 

Or well. Figuratively.

It was his fault anyway, he owed it to the dragon to at least go check on it. He was the one to shoot it down. 

Still. His hands shook.

He kept himself low to the ground and tried to breathe through the anxiety.

(His Mother was going to kill him if she ever- when she eventually- found out) 

If his calculations were correct- and they always were- the dragon should be…right….there.

Izuku followed the destroyed earth, tracking the trail right up to the cove, and over the edge.

The dragon was stuck in the hole, because he was missing part of his tail.

Izuku leaned heavily against the rock of the cliffs heaving for breath. He was-

That was terrifying.

A slow, perplexed grin worked its way over his face. The dragon had allowed him close. Had accepted- and shared, though that part was rather disgusting- his food. Izuku had managed to attach the prosthetic device to the dragons- he needed a name- tail and it worked.

Sort of.

It needed work, but it would allow the dragon to fly.

Izuku shoved his wet bangs out of his face with a cough. “Always need to have the last laugh don’t you? I’m going to call you Katsuki. It means victory. Kacchan for short!”

Izuku had never felt so free, so alive, as he did when he was really truly flying with Kacchan. 

Their practice runs had been nothing like this. The wind in his hair, the flex of scale and muscle under his legs, the feel of pressure as Izuku had to strain to stay on the saddle. The constant instinctive awareness of how to move his foot, so that he could help Kacchan fly. 

It was….

Exhilarating.

Izuku never really got into a fight with his villagers. He was made fun of, of course, being a member of a warrior village who….wasn’t. He was often shoved around by his peers, sneered at by the less friendly adults, and pitied by most. 

Izuku was fully aware of those facts.

But….he was doing well. He was more informed about dragons than even the most blooded warrior of his village, and he was causing problems with his peer group. Most didn’t like that the ‘Deku’- the useless- of the class was suddenly doing so much better than any of them. 

And frankly? 

Izuku didn’t give a damn.

He’d discovered everything they knew was wrong, he’d tasted the sky, the wind, the rush, of flying with his partner. 

Izuku loved Kacchan. He was his  best friend, and if Izuku may not have stood up for himself, but if he had to fight for Kacchan? Izuku would do it. 

Without Question.

Izuku plastered himself to Kacchan’s back, fingers digging into the saddle handles as wide terrified eyes focused on the beast before him. It was larger than anything Izuku had ever seen, than any dragon ever recorded before. Larger than the mountain, and hiding in the very lava of the volcano. It’s scales were black as night, and as far as Izuku could see it had no eyes- skin stretched taunt over the place they may have once been, scars trailing over its face and chest.

And still it-

It was monstrous and like nothing he had ever seen.

Izuku knew his village had been searching for centuries for the Dragon’s Nest, but as he looked at the King that ruled it, he knew none of his village would survive if they chose to fight.

Izuku would never tell them where the Nest stood, would never mention what he had found “Kacchan,” his voice shook as he whispered and watched the ears flick in his direction “let’s go Kacchan, come on.”

Red eyes flickered in his direction, but Kacchan threw himself off the cliff-side they had hidden inside and turned them back towards the cove.

Izuku had failed. 

They were going to fight that creature. 

His village, his people were going to die, and Kacchan had been taken. Taken to lead them all like lambs to slaughter. 

But….

Izuku turned towards the training grounds. 

If he did something utterly mad, he might just have a chance.

“And where,” a voice chirped right behind him “do you think you’re going?”

Izuku jerked but narrowed his eyes “Uraraka-san, please move. I need to save everyone, and I won’t let you stop me.”

Uraraka eyed him, Iida-kun, Todoroki-kun, and Tsu-chan standing behind her, all of them staring at him like they had never seen him before.

“Are you sure, Midoriya?”

Izuku turned towards Tsu at the question, nodding firmly, straightening to his full height as he answered “Yes. Yes, bedrock solid, and blue sky certain.”

(There’s a shift as he utters the words that had always been an oath in everything but name in their village. A promise, something inescapably true to the person speaking. As solid as the bedrock that protected the foundations of their village, and as certain as their ancestors had been that they would see a ‘blue sky’ at the end of their quest, that it was possible one day, to win against the dragons.)

The students- his peers- trade glances and then Todoroki speaks up “You’re not doing it alone.”

Izuku meets each of their eyes, and sees his determination reflected back. 

‘Bedrock solid’ their eyes scream out at him ‘Blue sky certain’ their stances firm.

Izuku smiles “You’re going to need to listen well then, let’s go!”

It’s madness when the arrive, flying over the battlefield. 

-And it is a battlefield. 

There’s dead and dying, easily spotted in the sky, fire and screams that echo and cut out suddenly. Dragons swarm through the air, ignoring the humans underneath them, and it’s obvious why.

That thing, the King, the Black Death, that Izuku had seen with Kacchan was loose and rampaging. His lack of eyes didn’t seem to hinder him at all, even beyond his area of effect.

“Alright!” he takes control of the situation, yelling to be heard over the chaos “Iida! Take Ingenium and start evacuating the wounded! Move them to the far side of the island! Todoroki, your with him- work defense! You want to keep Iida and any wounded safe! Tsu! You’re the distraction! Keep a level head, and don’t get hit!”

Tsu nodded sharply, breaking off to help draw the King’s attention from the feeling villagers. Izuku turned to face Uraraka. “We need to find Kacchan! And then you can help Tsu! The less attention the King pays to the villagers the more likely they are to live!”

It was a good life right?

Izuku thought it was.

Sure he hadn’t been having the greatest time, had been sort of pathetic before Kacchan, but these last months?

Izuku wouldn’t trade them for anything.

As he plummeted towards an explosion, perfectly aware it would be his last moments, he couldn’t help but smile.

Falling was kind of….peaceful, if one ignored the sudden stop at the end. It was like riding with Kacchan. He was just sorry his friends would survive this, and probably feel guilty. 

(His father was gone- supposedly on a quest, but he had never returned- and his mother had been lost in a dragon raid long ago. He was an orphan, though Aizawa-sensei had long ago told him he was in line to be Chief when he was ready. 

Looked like they would need a new Chief.)

He heard a roar of anger and rage, and his eyes snapped open.

Kacchan was diving for him, wings folded back, paws extended and furious focus in red eyes.

Izuku smiled, and reached back.