#cause i don't feel very free
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#writeblr#simblr#ts4 storytelling#ts4 storytellers#ts4 story#i'm VERY curious 'cause i'm listening to a youtube analysis talk about poor writing from an indie creator#and i feel like writers go through so much work in getting their stories right and finding their story so yes weak points exist#esp if you don't have people who are reading your work behind the scenes and giving feedback or if you're just trying to get to the next#scene the best way possible!#feel free to reblog
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One thing they don't tell you about the Senshi tulpa that WILL inevitably manifest in your mind to tell you to eat better is that. Every time I make myself a coffee via kuerig instantly, I can hear him. Lamenting the fact that I have become so accustomed to convenience and ease that even a standard coffee machine has become foreign to me. I am thinking about how to make coffee without use of a machine in the first place, I am wondering where my french press went, I can see him. In my mind. Showing me how to make coffee in The Dungeon. Dungeon Coffee.
#dungeon meshi#i'll allow this one to be set free into the wild. i think the world needs to know.#i really love senshi's character too how like. it's easy to feel guilty too if you aren't doing something 'the right way'#and despite him being very set in his ways he manages to alleviate that specific guilt#just by being senshi about it. i have never wanted to learn how to cook. too much work/too many steps#i like instant/ease bc that means i can devote myself completely to the things i AM passionate about#but senshi will manifest in your mind to tell you. you need nourishment to do that#he is just as passionate and detailed about it as i am my art. all i ever want to do is art. esp traditional art#which i think almost feels similar. to magic (digital) vs non-magic (traditional mediums)#each takes a very specific set of skills. one 'feels' easier than the other but a lot Does go into it (digital)#and there is an ease of access esp sharing wise. but i am autistic about the medium itself#yes sometimes i have to wait a day to even share my stuff cause the sun went down#yes there's less ways you can take shortcuts. you have to do Everything by hand#but that's what i love about it. espppp blending my pencils.#but going back i do not have that same level of interest (not even NEARLY) for anything that Isn't related to art#it's like. i really don't WANT to .... but senshi ...... makes me think about it.#senshi
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okay I started reading Dungeon Meshi the other day only because I liked those character sheets. it's good and fun so far, I'm on chapter 37 and very invested. I thought it was gonna be just slice of life (because it was for like the first 20 chapters or so), but now there is a plot, and I like it both ways. it has kind of a slow start even for the slice of life stuff: not like it's bad, I was just unsure whether it was going to move past "enjoyable" for the first couple chapters. but then it went from enjoyable to deeply charming and now it's gone to exciting while still pretty darn charming. without knowing the author, I can confidently say she's a giant nerd. this is a work that would be impossible to create unless you were a person who is great at drawing with intense special interests in classic fantasy RPGs and biology/ecology. which sounds very specific but thank goodness because that's what makes it good. it feels like it comes from a place of love.
#pickle pontificates#dungeon meshi#ok enough for now. I'm trying to avoid spoilers#also. people love assigning autism to characters with varying levels of adherence to canon#which is fine and good and all#be free live your life etc.#but if laios (one of the mcs) isn't the most heavily autistic coded guy I've ever seen in fiction I'll eat my hat. i don't say this lightly#his sister probably too but there's less of her so far#and i feel so bad for chilchuck because the running gag is people treating him like a kid cause he's short#but he like. very clearly has the soul and mind of a cynical 29-year-old man. which is hilarious#okay now I'm really done for now adios bye bye
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soul powered? solar powered? what's the difference.
#shep arts#content smp#csmp#arathain#mason arathain#I was gonna caption this with something cooler and then I realized it was defo more of a RAT caption lol#i forgot to turn off the sketch layer but tbh it looks fine with it so im not gonna bother to export this again#dont ask me whats up with his armor I sketched this last night and even then I don't think I knew what's goin on with it lol#i actually need to draw more csmp stuff. they all seem like they'd be fun to design and draw n stuff#anyway gods i need to get caught up with the csmp again im very behind and do not know anything#if anyone wants to just ramble at me feel free to cause at this point that's the only way Im actually gonna know whats going on now
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1 more day until Halloween!
#Damian Wayne#Jon Kent#robin#Superboy#BatFam#superfam#look i mostly choose this image cause i wanted to practice changing skin color#since damian is very white in the original here#feel free to politely leave feedback on that like cause i don't know how i did tbh#like if you think i should go darker or something i actually choose a darker brown then this it's just how it ended up when i blended#the shadows on his neck and everything#super sons
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I HAD A REVELATION
okay so I was thinking about gender. My gender. And my feelings about being a cis girl over time.
When I was little I used to wear all kinds of dresses and wore nail polish and even occasionally makeup (but like. Sloppily as a 7 year old would lol) and how overtime I stopped wearing nail polish and stopped wearing dresses and despised make up.
I dont really remeber why I stopped with nail polish. Maybe because it flaked off too easily or maybe I was sick of the few colors we had idk. I know I gradually stopped wearing dresses and night gowns because I was sick of being told I couldnt "put my legs up [up against the wall or just straight up in the air] or that I had to sit a certain way while wearing one. So I wore more and more pants.
I think about how i used to stand in the toys aisles while my mom did grocery shopping and look at "The Boys" section and think how much cooler it was than the girls section.
And I think about how my music teacher told us one day we'd hit puberty and we'd grow and us girls would be like "[in a high pitched voice] OH MY GOSH I LOVE BOYS AND DID YOU HEAR ABOUT SO AND SO" and I looked over at my classmates and friends to see if they were also terrified of becoming annoying teenage boy-obsessed girls.
And i think about how when I was at my friend's house and we were building "tree forts" in the woods i would wish I had a penis for the convenience of being able to just go pee behind a tree, because squatting near the ground was Not Fun and I hated walking all the way back to the house.
And I think about how I hated that I'd have to wear a bra once my boobs started to come in
Now you might be thinking. Friend I think you want[ed] to be a boy. But the thing is, i dont.
I may have hated being restricted in dresses but I dont actually hate them. I've gotten a couple dresses in the last 10 years (for prom and graduation and a [not my] wedding) and how I actually did like how I looked in them and enjoyed wearing them for that time.
I think about how I was jealous of the boys selection of toys, but also how I had a ton of barbies that I massively enjoyed and how if I'd been a boy I probably wouldnt have been able to enjoy them (thanks to pressure from society) as well as a bunch of other "girly" items and shows and movies.
I think about how I'm actually Asexual and that I wasnt scared of becoming "a young woman", I just didnt understand the obsession with sex/romance/boyfriend&girlfriend stuff.
And while having a penis is more convenient for peeing I also remeber thinking that it would suck to get kicked in the balls and/or that trope of falling on soemthign between your legs that happens in so many movies (not that it feels any better with a vagina honestly). And that if I had been born a boy I'd most likely have to deal with all the toxic masculinity forced on me, and I'm glad I dont have to deal with that.
And while me and my boobs dont always get along, I remember that after getting my first cute bra, I thought. Oh well maybe this isnt so bad. And I mostly wear sports bras now because I do wish they were smaller and I HATE that so many bras (EVEN THE SPORTS BRAS) are already padded into cup shapes, and while I don't mind Having Boobs, i Do Not want to show them off. And sometimes i think that maybe i wouldn't mind chopping them off, but then i think how my figure/outline/silhouette would look with out them, and that seems worse.
And i think about the times I've accidentally been called "Sir" from tired fast food employees when wearing gender nonspecific clothing and felt happy about it. But not "oh it feels right to be called sir/he/him" , but more of "hehe I fooled you! You thought this was a dress but its pants!"
And really this is all to say. I was born a girl and grew up that way so it's what I'm used to. If I'd been born with a dick then I guess I'd be a guy. If you magically stuck me in a male body right now, would I feel like a Guy or feel like a girl in a guys body? I honestly dont know. So am I non binary? Maybe that that doesnt quite feel right either.
Being a girl is what I've grown up as and into, and it's what I'm used to and going by anything else is… odd. Maybe itd be better and maybe it wouldnt. It's like an old blanket. You've had it forever and maybe its frayed and patched maybe a little too small and it's not what people expect you to have for a blanket, and maybe you could do with a new one. But nothing feels right with out it. No other blanket feels the same. It's what you're used to and its familar. It's a comfort blanket.
And that's why being a [cis] girl is my comfort gender.
#Sorry that got LONG#This is a very personal post and I dont mind it being reblogged if anyone wants to#But dont be weird about it please. Dont tell me I'm an egg or actually trans or nb. Cause I'm not#*points at post* I'm a girl. It's my comfort gender :)#(edit: I don't mind if the 'wrong' pronouns get used. Like if someone uses he or they for me I'm not gonna be upset#I more just dont want labels put on my gender besides cis or comfort gender )#Man I need that post where it's like so many asexual people are removed from gender. Cause yeah that kinda fits#Maybe I'm agender or soemthing. But mostly I'm Chill With Being A Girl#Also feel free to also totally ignore this post#I'm just rambling about thoughts#Gender identity#Comfort gender#Its after midnight so I apologize if none of this makes sense or like. There are unfinished thoughts lol
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🌋
#random personal stuff#personal whining ahead feel free to ignore#it's sinking in that the increase in the displaying of these 'jokes' at work is related to our boss no longer being here#it can't have been a coincidence that the picture in the inbox went back on top the very day we threw her her goodbye party#apparently this man thinks that she was the one who was pushing back against the nonsense?#and maybe she was - I don't know what went on between them#(though I always got the impression that she seemed a bit afraid of him for whatever reason and just let him do whatever most of the time)#but I'm tired of having to put up with this and angry at the situation in general#and I really will go and talk with the VP of Academic Affairs once I can get some advice from my communications major friend#so I can avoid just walking into her office and exploding#(I don't understand this I don't understand why he feels the need to display these images in the office & always about this now-completely-#irrelevant topic and even if it were relevant the 'jokes' are juvenile and mean-spirited and I know he thinks he's doing the Lord's work in#picking the kinds of books that he does but tell me exactly how this garbage is the Lord's work and what he thinks he's accomplishing with#this other than making himself look petty and giving me further cause for frustration because it isn't just the stupid pictures it's the#pervasive attitude behind them that I have had to deal with for years now and I wish I were a different person so I could get right in his#face and tell him that this is unacceptable and expect to be heard and regarded)
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Oh dear lord. It's 2023 I don't want to see fucking pro/anti shipping discourse especially in the One Piece tags.
#yes i just blocked a few people#the whole discourse is stupid af#ship whatever the hell you want to ship#if you dont like a ship then block the tag and move on#sorry for the rant#but i saw new fans from the live action talking about it#and had a very visceral reaction#to someone saying they didn't want to be mistaken as a proshipper#i will block anyone who tries to bring this damn discourse back#one piece#opla#one piece live action#vent#rant#not gonna use the proanti whatever tags cause i don't want to start an actual war#if this shows up in the tag anyway because Tumblr is weird like that#then feel free to block me#yes i am having warflash backs from v/oltron
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i think this is a good example of the situation(tm) with spain and fascism and how it's very different to other european countries like italy or germany.
this news article says that the government pays more than 9000€ per year to mantain franco's tomb (and by the government it means, well, the taxpayers). for those who don't know, francisco franco was a fascist dictator (friend of hitler and mussolini) that ruled spain from 1939 til 1975. he died peacefully. in his bed. after 4 decades of ruling. this is one of the key points regarding all of this.
and you might be thinking... well, the right wing party must be the ruling party for this to happen! lol no. we are currently under a pretty left-leaning government (this will probably change next month btw, there's general elections on april 28th). this is the government who passed the so-called trans law. and, most importantly, this government exhumated franco's body from his monumental funerary monument to a normal cemetery.
this is the monument in question, btw, it's called valle de los caídos (valley of the fallen) and it was built by the people franco sent to concentration camps throughout the country.
and yes, you read that well. franco's body was here until 2019. the monument was visited (and still is visited) by tons of fascists, who would do the nazi salute, fly the francoist flag, and chant francoist chants. all while the police was just there (but that's no surprise, isn't it). now, those people just go to the new location of franco's tomb.
oh, btw, on april 24th 2023 (4 days ago as i'm writing this post) there was another exhumation in the valley of the fallen (i just found out that since 2022 its name officially changed to 'cuelgamuros valley'. sure), this time of josé antonio primo de rivera, son of the dictator of spain from 1923-1930, and founder of the falange española, a fascist organization that became the only political party during the franco regime (yes. this is the equivalent to the nazi party) that btw still exists as a political party. so that's also lovely. this shouldn't come as a surprise, as la legión española, the military faction most closely allied to franco before, during, and after the civil war, still exists and they parade sometimes. you've probably seen these guys, there's a weird thing where people thirst over them on twitter:
anyways, this all boils down to the continuist nature of fascism in this country. fascist symbols are not banned, and neither is the flag or the hymn. i heard so many times the cara al sol (the francoist anthem) in high school sung by the kids who thought being a fascist was cool. again, franco's body wasn't exhumated until 2019 and with tons of polemics, delays and protests (protests!!!!). primo de rivera's wasn't exhumated until this very year (also with protests). and, meanwhile, there's more than 1000 mass graves still unearthed in spain, most of them filled by republicans who either were killed during the war, or right after it. one of them is the poet federico garcía lorca, considered one of (if not the best) writer in spanish history, and killed for his sexuality in 1936 by francoist soldiers. and, with him, thousands of people have been lost to time. in 2022 (83 years after the war ended) the government opened a 'mass grave searcher' on the ministry website, in order to look if your lost relative had been discovered.
i've talked about this before, but as another example, my great-grand father was unjustly sent to prisioner in 1939 for being a republican. he even spent some years in death row before being released after 5 years. he was officially pardoned by the government in 2017. he died in 1989.
also, something that has been particularly evident during this government, is that fascists are very much alive and have a ton of power. and politicians are either one of them or scared of them. keep in mind that spain has had multiple military and fascist uprisings and coup de états in the 20th century, it's very recent history. that, summed with the terrible job done during the transition period of not divorcing themselves with the francoists or just banning everything to do with them (that 'terrible job' happened because well. there were a lot of fascists there), makes for fascism being painfully present in spain all throughout the 20th and 21st century, so it's always been here, and very obviously so, and that's why it's so fundamentally different from other european regions.
this is what happens when fascists win and fuck up everything. spain is a perfect example of it. i love maps, but everytime i see alternative history maps (and there's a ton of them) that are like 'europe but hitler won ww2' i get the irk because 1) the person making that post is probably a nazi, and 2) that's just what happened in spain. the 'nazis won au' is just 20th century spain. and the consequences of that still ooze to this date. so yeah. that's all i have to say i think.
#spain#tw: fascism#tw: nazism#i finally did it! the doñana post made me motivated enough to write a full-length post lol#this is just an informative post i guess? i don't think many people outside of spain are aware of our situation#i glossed out over a ton of stuff cause i'm not very informed about all of this but if anyone has any questions or wants me to tackle#anything else please let me know#and fellow spaniards feel free to add stuff to this post!!#anyways there's general elections in exactly one month so that'll be scary
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So👏
I'm watching Merlin for the first time and I'm absolutely floored by it and by how much I fell in love with Merthur and the Knights, so here's a couple of Modern! AU that popped in my mind.
Rugby Champion/Nerd AU
- Probably a classic, I'd be surprised if ao3 wasn't plenty of it.
- Of course Arthur is Captain of the rugby team and of course Merlin is the guy sitting in the library all day.
- Don't ask me how they meet don't ask me how they fall in love, they just do
- Arthur's father is the school's principal
- And for this reason there's some people hating on Arthur cause they believe he has privileges
- Spoiler: he doesn't (or denies any of it when his father offers some) but due to this he finds hard to trust people
- Hence he trusts only his teammates aka true friends aka the squad!
- And Merlin of course
- Literally Heartstopper but make it #merthur with gay! Merlin and #bi-and-still-in-the-closet Arthur
Musicians AU
- Merlin goes to a public school and no one knows he's literally a world wide known classic musician
- Idk how don't ask
- Arthur is like the popular guy who plays guitar and all girls love him yadda yadda
- he has a band (must have the boys in every merthur fic sorry not sorry)
- Leon is the bassist, Percy the drummer, Gwaine the second guitar, Elyan is the dj and plays the keyboard, while Lancelot is the singer
- Again don't ask why don't ask how but Merlin and Arthur fight or argue and end up talking ever since
- Maybe Arthur was teasing him about knowing nothing about music
- Merlin silently snickering like *You dare to fight me with your half cheap-ass rock band when rich people spend thousands to listen me play at operas lmao you fool*
- But for some reason he can't tell him that or reveal his secret or else he'll be forced to change school (I dunooooo)
- So Arthur has no idea Merlin is a genius at music
- But.
- He notices Merlin has a perfect pitch, and something like- He can't explain it but Merlin has something with music, like a touch, so he invites him over to listen to his band
- All band members fall in love with him and side with him against Arthur when the two have their - now friendly - banters
- Bros being bros - Dudes being Dudes
- Idk what I was going for with this but IMAGINE WHEN THEY FIND OUT
- Like
- Imagine this fragile boi all cute smiles and sassy remarks and Arthur goes into protective mode cause he develops a crush-
And like, Arthur has a rock band so they look cool and they don't fear anyone in case Merlin gets bullied or something
And then they see him, for the first time-
Wearing a black/navy blue suit that costs thousand of dollars, walking in this giant golden opera with royal red drapes-
And he starts playing the piano for all these rich people and he's absolutely phenomenal
And suddenly Merlin fears Arthur won't be friends with him anymore or he'll fear he's gonna think Merlin is too "marvelous" to enjoy their little rock band
- But in reality Merlin loves them and he loves Arthur and Arthur honestly can't look at Merlin and see any other man than the guy he's been teasing and has argued with for all this time,
- aaand I don't know where I wanted to go with this as well lmao
Feel free to drop any completed fic link in the comments pls I am desperate :)
#Anyway Merthur is my new obsession thank you very much#I'm at ep1 season 4 so pls don't make spoilers in the comments#Yes I am aware of who dies I spoilered myself accidentally but good for me cause I couldn't have handled that#Let's ignore canon and embrace fanon#If I don't find any 78K slow burn enemies to friends to lovers modern au on ao3#With all the Knights as Arthur's pals who later become Merlin's besties#The what's the point??????#Feel free to drop any fanfic links down below I would be forever grateful if you did#Merthur#Merlin#Arthur#Gwaine#Sir Leon#Lancelot#Elyan#Percival#merlin bbc
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Hi, I've been inspired by the composition and abstract style of your artwork for a while now, if I made an experimental art piece inspired by your composition style would you want me to credit you as an inspo? or would you just not be comfortable with me using your art as inspiration altogether? (which is fine btw, i don't wanna do smth that would make you uncomfortable)
oh sure! feel free! I don't mind at all lol
#ask#bakuspeech#tbh I do think this question is like. somewhat redundant in art. or idk unnecessary?#all of art is inspiration man. very frequently from art by artists you're never gonna have the chance to reach out to#large cause bc they've been dead for decades to a few centuries#and like. idk as an artist you kinda have to accept that people will actually look at ur art and interact with it in their own space?#so like. yeah there are things that if I see you do with my art I will block you for. but on principle I cannot bodily stop you#this is all to say that like. if the question is about my personal boundaries it's gonna be more complicated. like if you make something#with ill intention and then cite me as an inspiration source. of course I'd not like that#but also that will be on me to reflect on that and like. do what I need to do#but outside of that. saying 'don't take inspiration from my art' is 1/genuinely patently unenforceable and 2/antithetical to#the way that I do art at all#like! I thrive on remixing! it's what transformative fanstuff is. how would I ever get on someone else's case for doing the exact same thin#anyways yeah don't worry about it I guess all of the above is more like. somewhat of a blanket permission#do whatever you want with my art! if it's cool and u want me to see it feel free to tell me. if u know I wont like it dont get caught by me#I am aware that I have before mentioned things you can't do with my art. those are personal boundaries. I enforce it in my own spaces#I have no power in yours. it's just how it is. use ur judgement. have fun chillin#that's it babey I go get snack now. its past mid autumn so the moon cakes are on sale so Im gonn#a get a bag of dried corn
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hiii besties, gonna rearrange the blog a bit over the next few days <3 idk how many mutuals I still have but if I unfollow you please don’t take it personally, I just want to keep the hl content to minimum <3
#i'll probably change my url too#if anyone wants to unfollow then feel free to do so!!! i want to stay away from posting about hl for some time#idk how long it'll be and if i'll ever go back#i realized i owe it to myself and tbh to them too#cause all in all they were a big part of my life at some point and i don't want to end up at a point very all i can feel is bitterness#or something like that#so!!
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thinking about friends i left on bad terms with whom i can never go back but who i still love. But I wasn't a great person then, wouldn't even call me a good person. I'm glad to see them thrive.
Feels bittersweet to look back at things I still have from them. I wish I was a better person then. I wish I could have been better for others. But also then I wouldn't have met the people I have.
I hope they don't think about me, ever. Feels somewhat bad to be able to look back and see the good moments we had and the good person they were, because I don't think they could do that. And also I don't think I deserve that.
#just some thoughts#it's a weird thing to naviguate these feelings and thoughts of repenting and my morals about doing the right thing#which right now would be to never interact with them again and let them free of me#idk said like this it sounds like i was a terrible person. I wasn't great i was in a very unstable state of mind and i hurt people around m#being that way and reacting to the world around me but it's no justification for the pain i caused them#i'm sad i lost these friends but they are in better situation now with better people#also this was like years ago#such a tricky subject#internet relationships are hard and so are real life ones#isolating yourself is such an easy fix but it's not doable for a long time#i try to be a better person. i try to be more gentle so the people i don't talk to for any other reason don't remember hurt but good times#i want to be a better person.#i don't want to hurt people and leave a mark of that hurt#i don't want to hurt people#i try not to#i've learned how to not make things worse but that feels like...such a small improvement#having more and more thoughts. i could ramble about it for so long
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everyone meet my bg3 player character. people won't stop being rude about the drow thing, which i think is unfair when there are plenty of more reasonable things to be rude to yarilo about (the fact they tried to headbutt asterion while asterion had a knife to their neck, drinking the water from the hag's well that clearly smells like it's storing corpses, ect ect)
#bg3#ash art#i don't have a deep backstory in my head for them But#drow society in the underdark is super matriarchal and men aren't treated well#i cannot find anything that might imply how nonbinary folks are treated. but i imagine Probably Not Well#at the very least not as well as women. so yarilo aint happy about ~ any of that ~#and that's a lot of the basis for why they aint lolth sworn and would much rather live on the surface then back in the underdark#and i try to make yarilo's choices with a strong sense of like.. being able to make one's on choices and be Free#cause they sure didn't feel like they could be in the underdark!#and also having a strong sense of disdain for anyone who imposes themself as better then others for arbitrary or dumb reasons#obvi this more serious characterization isn't as fun in the main post with the silly doodles tho ofc ofc : p
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HOW ARE YOU SO TALENTED
waaa THANK YOU!!! but it's a curse don't get too happy for me yet HHH xD i can't do anything BUT draw JGAJGJSG life is so hard when you can only be good at one thing LMAO
#ask#i sold my soul to get to where i am today btw that's the secret#yup. uhuh#to who? well killer and cross obviously#DUH you think this talent is cause i practice? pffff#these dorks have been living in my head rent free for so long i can't do anything BUT draw them for them to leave my thoughts#and even then that doesn't WORK!! i'm doomed for these beans sobbing crying please send help-#jk jk it's all jokes- i'm really glad you think so!! :')#BUT i really don't know if i'd wish talent upon anyone tbh HHH xD it's so tied to your identity it's insane really!#i can't think of a day where i didn't consider myself an artist- even as a kid and that's probably why i'm good? i just don't force myself#to do art or anything i just want to no matter how bad the outcome is! probably cause it's just BORING without it like FR#a world without me drawing feels empty and weird and i hate thinking about it so!!#a summary of this is just: be as stubborn as you can whenever you draw and it won't even matter to you if you're good at it!#muah muah thank you sm for the support tundra!! it's very sweet of you >:')c <3333
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jim: *messes up, owns his mistakes, apologises sincerely, but ultimately decides to leave social media for his own happiness* (https://x.com/jumblejim/status/1754372684958576653?s=46 + https://x.com/jumblejim/status/1754435814321525105?s=46)
a certain side of the fandom: he did nothing wrong! hellers are bullies and this proves it!!
https://x.com/jumblejim/status/1754380351714312213?s=46 — i guess “misguided” is one way to describe such behaviour from said side 🤷♀️
i think the fact that he clearly recognises where he went wrong and is taking responsibility for it shouldn’t be undermined by those determined to villainize others based on biased history, but unfortunately that is very typical behaviour from them. 🙃
ok not posting that entire novel lol but you can read it on twitter
it's all tiring indeed
#anon genuine question and i won't post the ask if you decide to answer on anon (feel free to dm as well)#but you seem very articulate. why don't you make your own posts about this? (and other stuff cause i think i see you in my inbox often)#now i sound like an ass lol idk how to not make my question sound rude#i'm just genuinely curious
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