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castielmacleod · 1 year

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I was wondering, how do you explain that you love Amara (I think I saw you say that in a post)? She hurt Castiel and Crowley horribly in Season 11. Like, physically and gruesomely hurt Castiel, and pschologically hurt both Castiel and Crowley.

It is not an accusation, because I also love Amara at the end (especially due to the injustice of her being betrayed by Dean and absorbed by Chuck). But I got so mad when I watch Season 11 and I can't reconcile it myself. So I want to see how you do it.

Applies to Rowena too btw (even more so), but I'm afraid to ask you that one knowing how passionate you are about her.

Hi! Thank you so much for the question. I totally understand where you’re coming from. I have two main reasons: first of all I can sympathise with all of these characters individually on some level, and second of all—most importantly—all of these characters demonstrated positive growth and the capacity to change to a significant degree.

Expanded answer under the cut because I wanted to be detailed with this one, for both Amara and Rowena.

So I think, first of all, it’s pretty critical to point out that it’s the same deal for Rowena and Amara as I have with Crowley. Because I also love Kevin and his family with my whole heart, furiously so, but in season 8 Crowley kidnapped and literally tortured Kevin, who at that point was only a 17 year old kid. Crowley also murdered Channing, also a young teen, right in front of Kevin who was close with her, and he kept Linda imprisoned in a storage unit at the complete mercy of his henchmen starting from mid-season 8 all the way until late season 9. These are all things that honestly turn my stomach to the point where I can hardly stand to think about them. Yet, I unabashedly want only good things for Crowley. In the same season Crowley shot Cas and tore into his gut with his bare hands to get to the angel tablet, also quite horrifying, yet I still like the idea of Crowley and Cas eventually being in a very loving romantic relationship together. It all sounds sick when I put it like this but there are the two things I mentioned: I can understand that Crowley is a twisted soulless demon that left him with few moral inhibitions when it comes to such behaviour, and after season Crowley changes as a person significantly. He becomes far less violent, far less heartless, and far less murder-happy, and most most importantly he expresses an honest desire TO change and be better to those around him, which he then does his best to follow through on. That means everything to me, especially on a show like this one. And so with Rowena and Amara it isn’t very different, at least for me.

Amara was sealed away in solitary confinement outside the realm of existence for millions of years, with nothing to do but smoulder in betrayal. Once she was sprung from her cage, it left her to act out a millennia of built up rage and grief that she had no other outlet for. She was willing to defile her brother’s creations in any possible way if she could *just* get his attention again, because she was desperate for it. Desperate to understand why he betrayed her, and furious enough to want to violently confront him about it. But then the longer she spent on earth, she came to realise that the world does have value, and she lost the will to destroy it, standing down peacefully in the end. By the time we see her in season 15, she is a changed person who just wants to protect the world she’s fallen in love with from those who would do it harm—not on Dean’s side and not on Chuck’s, but seeking to do the objective right thing herself. I just really appreciate that journey and growth for her.

With Amara in particular I feel it’s also fair to account for the fact that the writing for her is honestly just atrocious (imo the character is very much carried by Ms Emily Swallow, who brings forward so much life and charm through her performance that I can’t help but find endearing) and not only that, but the writers were continuing as usual to demonstrate their bias against Cas and Crowley and bias toward Dean in season 11. So to me it makes sense that Amara would betray Crowley and never resolve their relationship and be used to exacerbate Cas’ feelings of worthlessness, because of course she would. I’m not excusing the fact that she did those things, she still very much did them and it was horrible, but I feel there is some particularly strong out-of-universe reasoning going on there to acknowledge. And of course, like I mentioned, she very much changed for the better in any case.

As for Rowena, the situation is more complicated but I think the best I’ve been able to put it are in these tags of mine:

Rowena intentionally and knowingly made the choice to hate Crowley to protect herself from the consequences of letting herself love him. The irony is that, after Crowley died, those same walls that she had put up to keep him out and at an arm’s reach just crumbled anyway. She was (rightfully) wracked with guilt over how she treated Crowley, as well as with the grief she never allowed herself to feel for their lost relationship. She recognised that because of her, Crowley never even had a chance to live a good, content, normal life. She went to incredible lengths to summon Death just to beg them to bring Crowley back, expressly so that Crowley could HAVE that chance that she’d stolen from him. She was unsuccessful in that attempt, but she learned that she must figure out how to live with the mistakes she made, that the most she could do was to just.. try and do better going forward. And I think she thought that by latching onto salmondean and helping them and protecting them, she was doing for them what she never did for Crowley.

But even then, we learn in season 15 that Rowena had in fact been working on developing a resurrection spell in the background the entire time since then, which to me says she actually STILL hadn’t given up on Crowley, and still had some degree of hope that she might be able to save him and repay her mistakes with him in the ultimate way, by giving him his life back.

To me all of this with Rowena is just incredible, incredible growth, and that’s exactly why I’m so passionate about her. She made terrible mistakes, ruined lives, closed herself off to love in all its forms, and set herself to embody this “evil skank” persona/mask of hers that helped her to not feel vulnerable. But not only did she recognise her wrongdoing, she literally owned up to it and did everything in her power to set it right, both for Crowley directly (attempted) or by proxy by helping others (successful). And like her son before her, she took the risk of opening herself up again to the possibility of love and vulnerability and put visible effort into becoming a kinder, stronger, more compassionate person. In her case, she was lucky enough to actually be accepted by the main characters where Crowley never was, but that’s hardly her fault.

Nothing can absolve Rowena of her past wrongs—nothing can absolve ANYBODY of their past wrongs imo, but at the risk of sounding too philosophical and deep I just really believe that what matters is that she acknowledged the harm she did and actively decided to be a better person going forward, and then actually changed her behaviour. That just means everything to me.

I think the key difference between a character like Rowena (and Crowley, and Amara) and a character like Dean, for instance, is that Dean never changes. The way Dean was raised was messed up and I can sympathise with that much, but he NEVER owns up to his behaviour in a meaningful way or commits to being a better friend, brother, and person. He actually arguably gets WORSE as the show progresses, more belligerent and angry and hypocritical than he already was. He may apologise once in a blue moon, but he never follows it through with action, and that is what I find so damning. As such I don’t care to forgive him for anything. That goes for other overpopular “sad boi” characters who are excessively sad about how horrible they are but never actually try to improve. It doesn’t matter how sad you are if you never demonstrate any desire or effort to change, at least to me.

With Rowena in particular, by the way, I think it’s also really critical to note that Crowley was also a terrible parent. Rowena neglected, verbally abused, and abandoned her son. Crowley went on to neglect, verbally abuse, and physically abuse his. Both of them made efforts to make up for that in different ways. So to me when someone holds being a terrible parent against Rowena and not against Crowley, I think in most cases that’s probably worth closer examination.

Anyway, in conclusion, I think I would still love Crowley, Rowena, and Amara as completely villainous characters if they hadn’t changed the way they did, just due to the fact that I find them fun, charming, and cool characters overall. But I would talk about them VERY differently, and be nowhere near as sad for, sympathetic to, or protective of them as I am. I certainly wouldn’t actually want good things for them to the extent that I do, if at all lol.

Ultimately this is all way more subjective than objective, so I’m not expecting everyone to agree with me—especially those with different lived experiences from me, whatever that might entail. Regardless, I hope all that at least answers your question <3

#Ask #This is like. Long I’m sorry 😭😭#I have a lot to say about these characters and why they’re worth redemption in my opinion #The only thing I literally won’t hold against any s/p/n character is murder lmfao. Like every single character is #responsible for at LEAST one massacre there is just no winning if you try to hold killing against any of them #Every other atrocity is fair game though

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ckneal · 2 years

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Because the Empty admitted that they didn’t have anywhere else to send Castiel in season 13, when Castiel essentially annoyed the Empty into giving him a new lease on life, I think that Chuck only actually created the super, mega angel hell sometime after season 14.

I get torn on what exactly would have sparked the creation of this new, severe addition to the angel afterlife. I would love to say that Chuck whipped it up especially for Michael, when Lilith was annulated in The Red Wagon Diner, and Chuck realized that his oldest son was not going to blindly obey him the way his character was always meant to. But all things considered, it makes more sense that Chuck created it before Castiel made his deal to bring Jack back to life. Either way though, I am absolutely convinced that the first thing Chuck did after creating it was pluck Metatron out of whatever afterlife he was experiencing at the time (whether you believe that he was sleeping in the Empty with the other angels, or locked away somewhere in Heaven or Hell, since he died as a human without his grace) and tossed him right in, as punishment for that one time that Metatron burned one of Chuck’s books. You can’t tell me Chuck isn’t petty enough for that shit.

But see, because Chuck was dealing with such a crippling case of writer’s block by that point, and given that we saw Becky’s reaction to what work he was able to force out, I don’t think he did a good job in creating it. In fact, I think that he threw it together pretty hastily---especially if he was creating it during that period when he was walking between world and personally overseeing the destruction of one reality after another. (Quick shout out to the squirrel reality Chuck admitted to making on a whim; those poor fluffballs didn’t deserve to go out that way.) For all we know, Chuck might have overlooked key details when he was making Hell.

For instance, Hell is run by a multitude of demons, who are heartless and powerful, and endlessly multiplying through a system that gradually turns their victims into fellow demons, which. . .I do not think the Empty, an entity just under God and the Darkness in terms of strength, would tolerate. And as such, I kind of like to think that maybe when Castiel got there, there was no one else in angel hell. Except for Metatron.

And then Michael.

Just the three of them, awkwardly sitting on the floor in this huge empty space, and staring one another down any time someone makes a noise. That’s my image of angel hell.

#my thoughts #the divine shurley family

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dexthdefying · 2 years

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( tyler hoechlin ╱ agender ╱ he/him ) you have paid good money to see CASTIEL from supernatural in the flesh , travelling to 𝕖𝕕𝕖𝕟 to witness their COMPASSIONATE & STUBBORN nature for yourself ( a shattered, glowing halo surrounding messy, dark hair, a sharp, silver blade falling from a sleeve, a dark storm cloud looming in the sky - you can certainly tell it’s them ) but you better not slip up the truth , as walking past THE BUNKER triggers unwanted memories for the unknown / thirty - five year old ANGEL . working as an UNEMPLOYED , life for them seems all too real now ; i wonder if they’ll ever find out .

trigger warnings for death/murder

name: castiel nicknames: cas (with one s please!) age: appears to be around 35, but is actually thousands of years old, having existed since creation. gender/pronouns: agender and he mainly uses he/him but any pronouns are fine! species: angel, specifically a seraph powers: a full list of cas’ powers and weaknesses can be found here, but the most important ones are healing, possession, smiting, super strength, and previously teleportation and time travel. personality: compassionate, stubborn, naive, socially awkward, grumpy, loving, protective, self-sacrificing, well-intentioned, self-hating. memory status: none

his wings are black oil slick in colour, black but also rainbow

simultaneously the cutest and the scariest fucker on the planet? will awkwardly fumble his way through any conversation and give up an entire army because he likes one person, but will also murder in terrifying ways if you mean his loved ones any harm :)

when he was first introduced on the show, he was an almost heartless creature who loyally served heaven, but through the winchesters, began to realise that the way heaven handled things was not right. he fell for them (especially dean), and has been attached to them ever since

it was later revealed that he’d actually had his memory wiped multiple times in the past due to realising heaven was corrupt every time

is possessing the body of jimmy novak, a man who prayed to be able to help heaven. he was killed in a big battle with lucifer and michael, and castiel has said that this is his biggest regret. jimmy had a daughter named claire, who since has been struggling greatly with the loss of her family. cas also sees her as somewhat like a daughter (because fuck canon, that’s why)

has died and been brought back to life multiple times

was possessed by lucifer once

when jack, the biological son of lucifer, was still in the womb, cas was chosen to be his his father. he has sworn to protect and love him like his own ever since!

#' castiel. '#' castiel : about. '#' castiel : intro. '#hqe:intro

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sidecarghost · 4 years

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Angels are Supposed to be Heartless

Summary: Angst-Ending Canon Balthazar POV of pre-Spn and Spn(s4-s6) Inspired by Castiel agreeing with Dean that angels are heartless in s4e10

Suptober Day 8 - Heartless

~~ Shortly after Creation ~~ Gabriel: Castiel, why aren't you sparring with any of the other angels? Castiel: No one has asked me to join them... Gabriel: Oh, let me see if I can help with that. *yells loudly* Who wants to have Castiel in their group? Balthazar: Castiel, you can join my group with Benjamin and Uriel if you'd like. Gabriel: You heard them hop to it, Castiel. Castiel: Hello Benjamin, Uriel, Balthazar. Benjamin: Nice to meet you Castiel. Uriel: Hello Castiel. Balthazar: I'm glad you joined us Castiel, now our group can dominate in the competitions. Castiel: I am glad too, brother. Balthazar: Thanks, but you are not just a brother to me anymore. Now you are my friend. Castiel: I'd like that Balthazar, what do friends do? Balthazar: Friends do everything together. Come on, Castiel, let's spar together. Castiel: Okay. Um... Balthazar? Balthazar: Is something wrong Castiel? Castiel: How long will we stay friends? Balthazar: I think forever, now that we are friends, Castiel. If it is okay with you, you've always got little old me. Castiel: Yes, I'll always have you. And you'll always have me too.

~~ 200,000 BCE - humans have been around for 200,000 years so my guess is that demons started existing around that time too ~~ Balthazar: Congrats on making Captain Castiel. Castiel: Thank you Balthazar, you've always been a good friend. Balthazar: It's nothing, but I'm looking forward to our first battles. Castiel: Yes, watching Earth has become pretty boring. Laying waste to demons will be a nice change. Balthazar: Our garrison has the best warriors in Heaven, so the demons won't even know what hit them. Castiel: Victory should be quick and decisive, I want to minimize any losses on our side. Balthazar: I don't know, I wouldn't mind losing Ishim. Castiel: Well, Ishim is my commander so I'd rather not lose him. Balthazar: Oh come on, that dick with wings. I think the only reason he outranks you is because the stick up his ass is almost as big the one stuck up Michael and Raphael. Castiel: I'm guessing a "stick up his ass" is an idiom and not meant to be taken literally. Regardless, Ishim, Raphael, and Michael are all dedicated to following God's will. So they have my loyalty and respect. Balthazar: They may have your loyalty and respect, but they don't deserve it. And yes, a "stick stuck up the ass" means you are uptight and prone to ruin anyone's attempt at fun or a good time. Castiel: By that definition, I feel like I also have a "stick stuck up my ass" then. Balthazar: Yes, but I don't hold it against you. On the contrary, I see it as my job as your friend to make you appreciate the finer things in life than duty and orders. Castiel: Your attempts to lessen my commitment to duty and orders will be entertaining but completely useless. Balthazar: Wouldn't be any fun if it wasn't a challenge.

~~ September 18, 2008 - the day of Lazarus Rising ~~ Castiel: I have been tasked with leading a troop of angels to Hell to resurrect the righteous man. The Apocalypse that has been foretold is coming to pass. Balthazar: Are you still playing their games for them Castiel? Castiel: I don't know what you mean by games. I need to rescue Dean Winchester because it is God's will. Balthazar: Did Raphael tell you that was God's will, because last I heard God hasn't talked to Raphael since the dawn of Creation. That was about fourteen billion years ago. Castiel: I didn't come here to argue Balthazar. This might be one of the most important missions ever undertaken by Heaven, and I value your friendship and your abilities in battle. Please join my troop and help me with the mission. Balthazar: Of course, Castiel. I will always follow you into battle. You can always count on little old me. Castiel: Thank you, my friend. Balthazar: So, which lucky angel gets to play babysitter to Michael's vessel after the rescue mission? Castiel: I think it will be Uriel and myself. Balthazar: Well, try not to fall in love with your ward. You don't want to end up like Anna. Castiel: I am committed to Heaven, no one could ever change that. And I would certainly never leave Heaven because of one man. Balthazar: I am sure that is true, but humanity tends to make things more complicated. Castiel: Your fear seems absurd, but I appreciate your concern.

~~ September 25, 2008 - the day of Are You There, God? It's Me, Dean Winchester ~~ Balthazar: So how is babysitting Michael's vessel going? Castiel: Dean is very obstinate. After pulling him out of Hell I was expecting more deference. Balthazar: Well, if you want my two cents. Try to put yourself in his shoes. Castiel: My vessel does not have the same shoe size as Dean. Balthazar: Oh, yes and use plenty of humor. Laughter is good for the soul, and humans have souls so good place to start. Castiel: I guess I have been used to obeying orders from Heaven since Creation. So I agree that trying to understand his perspective could make communication between Dean and I easier. Balthazar: That's right you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Castiel: I do like insects.

~~ November 20, 2008 - the day of Heaven and Hell ~~ Castiel: Do you think angels are heartless? Balthazar: I need some context for this question. Castiel: While Uriel and I were attempting to carry out a mission, Dean called us "heartless sons of bitches." Balthazar: Okay, and what was your response? Castiel: I told him that, as a matter of fact that is what we are. Balthazar: Because we are soldier's that exist purely to carry out God's will? Castiel: Yes, exactly Balthazar. Allowing yourself to be clouded by emotions would run counter to us fulfilling our purpose of carrying out God's will. Balthazar: I'm sorry, Castiel. I don't think I can answer your question about our purpose. I think it is up to each of us to discover on our own. If you believe carrying out God's will is your true purpose, I would never try to take that away from you. Castiel: Don't you feel the same way though? Balthazar: I am proud of who I am Castiel, but that doesn't mean I want to share it for judgement by other angels. Castiel: Well, I know who you are Balthazar. Balthazar: Let's hear it. Castiel: You are my friend. Balthazar: Of course, we will be friends until the universe burns out and beyond, Castiel. Castiel: Oh, I meant to tell you, I have a nickname now. The Winchesters gave it to me. Balthazar: Eww, is it contagious? Do they make some kind of inoculation to get rid of it? Castiel: Very funny Balthazar, the nickname they gave me is Cas. Balthazar: Cas, huh? Well I kind of like it, maybe humans aren't completely awful after all.

~~ May 14, 2009 - the day of Lucifer Rising ~~ Castiel: Balthazar, remember when you doubted the Apocalypse was the will of God? Balthazar: I doubt a lot things Cas, but yes I remember. Has Dean Winchester changed your mind on that score? Castiel: Well, it is hard to sit on the sidelines and watch these frail, short lived humans fight so passionately. They are so delicate, but they feel things so deeply and charge in where angels would fear to tread. Balthazar: They sound like fools to me. Castiel: I don't know if I would call them fools, but they are more stubborn then I would have ever predicted. Balthazar: Fools or not, you know I have been suspicious of Heaven's middle management. It seems like with Dad gone the angels upstairs have decided to become bullies and bores. So, if you have doubts about Zachariah I will gladly stand against him with you. Castiel: Thank you, Balthazar. I appreciate the advice and the support. Balthazar: Of course Cas, our friendship is one of the few things that really matters to me. You would need to become a megalomaniac like Raphael and his goons, before I could ever consider ending it. Castiel: If that is the case, then we will always be friends because I know I would never try to take over Heaven. I am a good soldier, but I'm not a leader. Balthazar: I can understand that, the angels in Heaven are a bunch of sheep. They would need so much of your attention it would drive anyone crazy. That is probably why dear old Dad flew the coop. Castiel: Maybe if the angels had free will, they would prove more capable then you think. Balthazar: Haha, I doubt it, but keep dreaming Cas, your optimism is adorable. Just watch out for vanity and hubris, Dad made pride a sin for good reason. Castiel: You don't need to lecture me on pride or sins, Balthazar. Balthazar: I only intended a friendly word of warning.

~~ May 20, 2010 - A week after Swan Song ~~ Castiel: Benjamin, the Apocalypse has been averted, but Raphael is looking to start it again. I'm looking for angels that will stand with me against Raphael. Benjamin: I will stand with you, and I am sure the other angels in our garrison will be loyal to you too Castiel. Castiel: Good, we will need all the help we can get if Raphael intends to wage a civil war. Benjamin: I trust you, my friend, although I am sad it has gotten to the point where angels are killing angels. Castiel: Yes, avoiding the Apocalypse seems to have saved humanity but damned Heaven. I guess all things must come to an end. Benjamin: Well, if Heaven must come to an end I am glad to be fighting on your side. I will talk to other angels in our garrison to enlist them under your flag as well. Castiel: Have you heard anything about Balthazar? I haven't seen him since Raphael kicked me into next week. Benjamin: I am sorry to tell you this brother, but Balthazar was killed during the first skirmish between Raphael loyalists and those sympathetic to your cause. Castiel: Where does Balthazar's body rest Benjamin? He was a very good friend. He put up with all my moods, and supported me in all my ideas. We fought countless battles together. He gave me sound advice whether I would listen to it or not. And he was the first angel to call me friend. Benjamin: I don't know where his body rests, but if I find out I will let you know. Castiel: Thank you Benjamin.

~~ October 8, 2010 - Third Man (source: following lines are from the script for this episode) ~~ Balthazar: Cas. You're here. Castiel: Balthazar. Balthazar: It's so good to see you Castiel: I grieved your death. Balthazar: Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry about that, you know. I wanted them to think, you know, so they wouldn't come looking for me? Castiel: You stole the Staff of Moses? Balthazar: Sure, sure. I stole a lot of things. Castiel: You were a great and honorable soldier. We fought together. Balthazar: Yes, too many times to count. Castiel: I know you. You're not some common thief. Balthazar: Common? No. Thief? Eh. Castiel: I need your help. Balthazar: I know. I've been hearing all about you, and as far as I'm concerned, you and me, Cas, nothing's changed. We're brothers. Of course I want to help you. [ Thunder crashes. ] Balthazar: Was that you? Castiel: *shakes his head* Balthazar: Oh, that's my cue then. Tell, uh, Raphael to bite me. [disappears] [Raphael and Castiel battle, Raphael prepares to stab Castiel with an angel blade.] Raphael: Somehow, I don't think God will be bringing you back this time. Balthazar: Hey! Look at my junk. [ Holds up a glowing crystal] Raphael: No! [ turns to salt from head to toe] Balthazar: *chuckles* Same thing happened to Lot's wife. Iodize the poor sucker, and your kitchen is stocked for life. Castiel: You came back. Balthazar: Well, now Raphael will have to go shopping for a new vessel. Should give me a nice long head start on him. Until next time. Castiel: Next time.

~~ February 25, 2011 - The French Mistake ~~ Castiel: Balthazar, we need to get your weapons for the war. Balthazar: The moment I go for them Raphael will be on top of us, and steal the weapons from under our nose. Castiel: So what do you propose? Balthazar: Well, we could send a decoy troop on a fake mission to get the weapons. Then Raphael would be occupied long enough for us to go to the actual location and gather them up before the old bird is any wiser. Castiel: Who could we send as a decoy? Raphael would expect only the best be sent on such a mission. And if Raphael guesses the team is just a diversion, we may never get the weapons. Balthazar: I know the perfect team to act as decoys. Castiel: Who? Balthazar: Two very stubborn, thick-headed humans that you seem to adore beyond all reason. Castiel: No, I won't put Sam or Dean Winchester in harm's way. Balthazar: Oh, they will be quite safe where I send them. I have learned a spell to open a portal to an alternate universe. And that universe has no supernatural in it. Castiel: How would they return if there is no supernatural there. Balthazar: I'll just pluck them back here after we've gotten the weapons from their actual location. It will take some time, but the Winchesters will probably enjoy a nice vacation from monster hunting. They can experience a little bit of normal life for a change. Raphael will send angels after the two brothers, but the angels will be power blocked. So Sam and Dean should have no problem taking them out. Castiel: Balthazar, we have been friends for a very long time, but if Sam or Dean are harmed in any way during your plan I will destroy you myself. Balthazar: Of course, I'd expect no less. No need to be so dramatic. Castiel: Ok, run your plan as you see fit. The mission will be successful as long as the weapons are secured, and Sam and Dean are unharmed. Balthazar: You know those weapons alone will not be enough to win against Raphael and his followers. Castiel: Yes, I am aware of that. Balthazar: Got any plans you'd like to share with little old me? Castiel: I may have something in the works, but I'm not ready to discuss it with anyone yet. Balthazar: I will try to get over the crippling pain caused by your lack of faith in me. Castiel: A guilt trip won't work. For my plan to succeed it requires the utmost secrecy. But if you have any other ideas, I am open to suggestions. Balthazar: We could get some more souls headed up Heaven's way. Castiel: How? Balthazar: Time travel to some tragic event in the past and prevent the tragedy. We could get plenty of souls for our war machine. The bigger the disaster the better the reward. Castiel: Okay, after we recover your weapons you can undo some disaster. I have the same conditions for that mission though, Sam and Dean Winchester can't have their timeline negatively impacted in any way. Balthazar: Yes, brother, I know. And I hope I get invited to the wedding after all the trouble I have gone through to keep them safe and sound. Remind me which one you are marrying again, is it the tall one with puppy-eyes or the freckle faced one with a sarcastic attitude? Castiel: I am not marrying Sam or Dean Winchester. Balthazar: Dean, that's right the righteous man you plucked out of perdition. Well, I did warn you to be careful back then didn't I? Castiel: This conversation is over.

~~ May 20, 2011 - Let it Bleed ~~ Castiel: I need your help finding Lisa and Ben. Balthazar: Well, we have something in common then. Which is nice, almost feels like old times. Castiel: You were already searching for Lisa and Ben? Balthazar: Yes, and this is really cramping my attempt to live out the remainder of my days in decadence. Castiel: It seems like Sam and Dean trust you more than they trust me. Balthazar: I can't imagine why they would. I've only met them a handful of times, and I try my best to ridicule and vex them. But I guess my natural charm must overpower their better judgement. Castiel: Everything I've done has been for Dean, but he refuses to understand that. Balthazar: Maybe, you started down this path to keep your friend Dean safe. But are you sure that you don't have other motives now? Castiel: No, Dean fought Heaven and Hell to stop the Apocalypse. He shouldn't have to suffer, because Heaven is managed by dicks with wings. I have to stop Raphael and his followers at any cost. Balthazar: Be careful, my friend, any cost may be much higher than you ever bargained. Castiel: I am committed to my current course Balthazar, no ominous warnings are going to make me give it up. Balthazar: I know, perseverance has always been your strength, don't let it also become your doom. Castiel: Are you going to nag me forever or can we find Lisa and Ben? Balthazar: Castiel, just no matter what happens between us. Please remember I love you, and I will always be your friend. Castiel: Is your intention to delay me until we have lost any chance for success? If so, then you should know by now that I won’t hesitate to kill those standing in my way, and because you were once a good friend I will give you a chance to flee now instead. Balthazar: No, delaying you was not my intention. Let’s go find Lisa and Ben, my old friend. Castiel: Good, after we find them I'd like you to go to Sam and Dean with their location. They seem to trust you more, and I wouldn't want Lisa and Ben to be harmed because Sam and Dean were unsure if they could trust information from me.

~~ May 20, 2011 - The Man Who Knew Too Much (source: following lines are from the script for episode) ~~ Dean: What the hell took you so long? Balthazar: Honestly? I was having second thoughts. Dean: About? Balthazar: About whether to help you. I was thinking maybe... Maybe I should rip out your sticky bits instead. Bobby: And what did you decide? Balthazar: Well... Cas and Crowley are there. That's where the show gets started. [Balthazar hands a piece of paper to Dean reads an address in Bootback, Kansas.] Dean: Alright, well give us a minute to pack up and then zap us there. Balthazar: Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't think so. Dean: Balthazar. Balthazar: I'm betraying a friend here. A very powerful friend. We all are. So I think I've stuck my neck out far enough already. Good luck. [disappears] ~~ Balthazar: You rang, Cas? Castiel: Yeah. We have a problem. Dean Winchester is on his way here. Balthazar: Really? Oh. How'd he even know where we were? Castiel: Apparently we have a Judas in our midst. Balthazar: Ah. *chuckles* Holy hell. Who is it? I bet it's that bloody little Cherub, isn't it? Castiel: I don't know. But I need you to find out. Balthazar: Of course. Um, right away. Right away. Uh, but what do you want me to do about Dean? Castiel: Nothing. I'll handle him myself. Balthazar: Castiel? Are you alright? Castiel: First Sam and Dean, and now this. I'm doing my best in impossible circumstances. My friends, they abandon me, plot against me. It's difficult to understand. Balthazar: Well, you've always got little old me. [Castiel disappears and reappears behind his friend, and he stabs Balthazar in the back with his angel blade.] Castiel: Yes, I'll always have you. Balthazar: Cas... [As Balthazar dies, his light fills the building.]

~~ November 16, 2017 - Tombstone (source: following line is from the script for episode) ~~ Castiel: Jack, I've killed people who didn't deserve it... my friends, I've killed people I loved. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, that with time, it hurts less, but that would be a lie because it never gets easier. And those moments, they never stop hurting. But that doesn't mean that you should stop fighting. Doesn't mean that because you made a mistake and that's what this is, Jack. It's a mistake. That doesn't mean that you can't be better, do better. I believe that. I have to believe that.

~~ Epilogue ~~ [Castiel remembers a promise made billions of years ago to his friend] Balthazar: Is something wrong Castiel? Castiel: How long will we stay friends? Balthazar: I think forever, now that we are friends, Castiel. If it is okay with you, you've always got little old me. Castiel: Yes, I'll always have you. And you'll always have me too. [Castiel wonders why he ever thought angels were supposed to be heartless. Balthazar had clearly figured out long before he did that having a heart was not a weakness. Castiel wishes he had been as wise as his friend. Jack had made a mistake, a careless application of his power killed an innocent man. But Castiel had no such excuse, he had maliciously stabbed his friend in the back in cold blood.

Balthazar’s beautiful wings had been burnt into the wall of a decrepit warehouse. The angel that worshipped decadence and pleasure was killed ruthlessly in filth by his own friend. Balthazar had loved Castiel, and Castiel had betrayed that love in the most terrible way possible. Castiel had been a man obsessed and addicted to his own hunger for power. Once Castiel held that Purgatory jar in his hand, all thoughts of love and friendship died. The power was the only thing important to him anymore. Pure, righteous power to herald in a new age with himself as God. The memory sickened him now, and the agony in his chest never left.]

[Castiel silently speaks to Balthazar’s memory] Castiel: I always had you, but I never deserved you.

#suptober20 #spn fic #spn #castiel #balthazar #angst

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celestedeacon · 5 years

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On the Side of the Angels Chapter 7

TITLE: On the Side of the Angels Chapter 7 PAIRING: (Castiel/Celeste) RATING: T CHAPTER: 7/? SUMMARY: Celeste, the daughter of a fallen angel and mortal. Ever since she was born, the angels were given orders to protect her, specifically Castiel and Gabriel. When she was 16, she was in a horrific car accident, which Castiel saved her from. When Castiel comes back to Earth, she’s in his thoughts 24/7. This poses a problem for him. How can he love her and still follow orders?

“Celeste!” Gabriel yelled, “Guess what day it is!”

Celeste shot up in bed and grabbed her phone. It was Halloween!

Halloween was her favorite holiday next to Christmas. This Halloween marked the second year without Castiel.

Gabriel came into her room, all six white wings on display. “Happy Halloween, sweetheart. So…what shall we be this year? A witch? A vampire?”

Celeste shook her head and snapped her fingers.

Gabriel smiled. “An angel. Of course”, he said, playfully rolling his eyes.

Celeste released her black wings and folded them close to her back. It was the one day of the year where she didn’t have to keep them hidden, because most people just thought they were part of her costume.

“Any good parties around town?” Gabriel asked her.

This time Celeste rolled her eyes. “Gabe, we live in the middle of nowhere”.

“Well, we could always go somewhere”.

“Oh!”

“So, where do you feel like going?”

“Let’s go to New Orleans”.

“City of Vampires and Ghosts”.

“Gabe…just do me a favor tonight”.

“Anything, sweetheart”.

“No smiting tonight? I don’t want you to be Gabriel the Archangel. I just want you to be my best friend who’s going out to party with me”.

Gabriel nodded and kissed her forehead. “You have my word”.

After talking to Sam and Dean, Castiel and Uriel went to the park to wait for them to defeat the witch.

Castiel stood while Uriel sat on the park bench. “The decision’s been made”, Castiel told Uriel.

Uriel laughed. “By a mud monkey”.

“You shouldn’t call them that”.

“Oh, that’s what they are. Even your abomination”.

Castiel could feel his feathers shaking in anger at that comment.

“Savages, just plumbing on two legs”, Uriel said.

“You’re close to blasphemy”.

Uriel sighed.

“There’s a reason we were sent to save him”, Castiel said, “Just like there’s a reason for her existence”.

Uriel rolled his eyes.

“He has potential. He may succeed here”. He sat down next to Uriel on the bench. “At any rate, it’s out of our hands”.

“It doesn’t have to be”.

“And what would you suggest?”

“That we drag Dean Winchester out of here, then we blow this insignificant pinprick off the map”.

“You know our true orders. Are you prepared to disobey?” Castiel looked out across the park, watching as the children skipped along in their Halloween costumes as his mind once again drifted to Celeste.

Celeste was 6 years old when she started dressing as angel. “Cas, check out my costume!” she said. She came out of the bathroom in an angel costume, only she was dressed like Castiel with black wings. “I’m you”.

Castiel just looked at her and then back at Gabriel.

“She insisted”, Gabriel said, “Who was I to say no to this cute face?”

Castiel shook his head.

When she turned 16, her costume changed.

This time it was skimpy, like most teenage costumes. The dress was sheer white with fur around the bottom and the cuffs and it was styled to look like a nightdress. On her feet was a pair of strappy white heels. On her back was a pair of fluffy white wings and on her head she wore a halo.

“You look beautiful sweetheart”, Gabriel said.

“Thank you Gabe”. She went down the stairs and met Castiel in the living room.

He looked at her.

“Well? What do you think?” Celeste asked him.

Castiel said nothing.

“Okay whatever. Do you mind zapping us to the party?”

Castiel grabbed her arm and teleported them to the house where the party as being held. “I can’t. This place…” he said.

“Yeah yeah I know. ‘Bed of sin’ and all. I promise not to drink. Pick me up at midnight”. Celeste placed her hands on his chest and leaned up to place a kiss on the underside of his jaw. She turned around and Castiel couldn’t help but notice how her hips swung subtly as she walked away.

The next time Castiel popped in Dean, Dean was sitting in the same park watching the children play like himself and Gabriel used to watch Celeste play as a child.

“Let me guess you’re here for the ‘I told you so’”, Dean said.

“No”, Castiel told him.

“Well, good, cause I’m really not that interested”.

“I am not here to judge you, Dean”.

“Then why are you here?”

“Our orders…” Castiel started to say.

“Yeah, you know, I’ve had about enough of these orders of yours”, Dean said cutting him off.

“Our orders were not to stop the summoning of Samhain, they were to do whatever you told us to do”.

“Your orders were to follow my orders?”

“It was a test, to see how you would perform under... battlefield conditions, you might say”.

“It was a witch, not the Tet Offensive”.

Castiel chuckled.

“So I, uh, failed your test, huh? I get it. But you know what? If you would have waved that magic time-traveling wand of yours and we had to do it all over again, I’d make the same call. 'Cause see, I don’t know what’s gonna happen when these seals are broken, hell I don’t even know what’s gonna happen tomorrow. But what I do know is, that this, here? These kids, the swings, the trees, all of it is still here because of my brother and me”, Dean told him.

Castiel understood his way of thinking. Castiel thought the same way when it came to when he saved Celeste after the car crash. “You misunderstand me, Dean; I’m not like you think. I was praying that you would choose to save the town”, Castiel said.

“You were?” Dean asked, surprised at what the angel said. Maybe he wasn’t heartless at all. Perhaps this was the good that Celeste saw in him.

“These people, they’re all my father’s creations. They’re works of art, and yet, even though you stopped Samhain, the seal was broken and we are one step closer to hell on earth, for all creation. Now that’s not an expression, Dean, it's literal. You of all people should appreciate what that means. Can I tell you something if you promise not to tell another soul?”

“Okay”.

“I’m not a… hammer as you say. I have questions, I have doubts. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore, whether you passed or failed here. But in the coming months you will have more decisions to make. I don’t envy the weight that’s on your shoulders, Dean. I truly don’t”.

The two shared a look.

Dean looked out of the kids. When he looked back, Castiel was gone and Celeste sat in his place. “What are you doing here?” he asked.

“Felt like talking to you again. I feel so sad for Cas. He seems so broken”. She looked out at the children playing and smiled. “He and Gabe used to watch me play on the playground”, Celeste told Dean, “Well, Gabe would actually play with me while Castiel just watched”.

“Who’s Gabe?”

“Oh. Just another angel who was told to protect me”.

“Protect you from what? Or who?”

“I haven’t quite figured that out yet”.

“So what are you?”

“Aren’t you a broken record?”

“You can’t answer a question with a question”.

Celeste smiled. “Bye Dean”. Celeste snapped her fingers and she was gone.

Dean rubbed his hand down his face and thought, ‘Can’t my life be normal for once?’

#celeste deacon #castiel #castiel fanfiction #castiel fanfic #castiel fic #castiel imagine #supernatural #supernatural oc #supernatural fanfic #supernatural fic #supernatural fanfiction #dean winchester #dean winchester imagines #gabriel #gabriel imagine

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ladylilithprime · 5 years

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Sastiel Creations Challenge | @ladylilithprime

↳ Theme: One More | Prompt: Day

Fluff Bingo Square: Movie Night

=I Did Not Live Until Today=

Read on AO3

MOVIE NIGHT IN the Bunker had been originally instituted by Dean, and the insistence of Sam that everyone in the Bunker, especially a stressed out and overworked teenaged Prophet of the Lord, needed to take regular breaks to relax and unwind before the constant "go, go, go" made them all go crazy. Hunts would occasionally interrupt the ritual, postpone it for a couple of days, but none of them were allowed more than ten days without a mandatory Movie Night. Dean had insisted that Castiel join these movie nights whenever he was around, intent on "educating" the Angel in what he termed the "classics" of cinema. Castiel had confided privately to Sam that, upon viewing these so-called classics, he was gaining more of an understanding of Dean than he was of why the movies were classical, which Sam had assured him was normal.

Movie Night had been weird after the Trials, because Sam would start out watching the movie with Dean and whoever else was there, but suddenly it would be hours later and he wouldn't remember actually watching any of it despite not having moved. In the wake of Crowley showing up in Sam's head with the brothers' code word tripping off his tongue to warn him that he had an angelic passenger who had taken over the driver's seat, Sam figured he knew what had happened and maybe he felt a little tiny flicker of gratitude for Gadreel sparing him having to watch the monkey movies again, but that was drowned out by the overall feelings of shock and betrayal and rage because how could Dean do this to him?!

It was Sam's decision to continue Movie Night even though it was just him and Castiel in the Bunker now. The original purpose of enforcing a break on overworked humans was still valid, even though now the overworked human was only Sam, and the secondary purpose of introducing Castiel to human entertainment was also still in effect, perhaps even more so after Metatron had downloaded a huge selection of American pop culture into Castiel's head without much in the way of context. Without Dean to steer the selection towards action films and neither of them particularly interested in watching mindless violence and gore, plus Sam's increased aversion to psychological horror films, the movies they watched tended to veer more towards musicals. If Castiel suspected that this, too, might be a bit of Sam's rebellion against Dean's stubborn adherence to mullet rock as the only valid music to listen to, well, he didn't call Sam on it and Sam didn't choose to admit anything.

Tonight was another designated Movie Night, not because it had been too long since the last, but because Sam knew that after the failure of the tracking spell with Gadreel's extracted Grace he, at least, needed something where the fate of the world was less dependant on the outcome. In hindsight, queueing up Les Miserábles was probably not the best idea given the overall setting of the movie and the themes of melancholy and grief that pervaded it, but he suspected Castiel would appreciate the other themes of faith and sacrifice and second chances.

He probably should have expected Castiel's analysis of the story's themes to extend to their lives, but somehow it didn't even occur to him until Castiel blindsided him with an abrupt declaration that Jean Valjean reminded him of Sam.

"I'm sorry?" Sam blurted, not sure he had heard the Angel correctly.

"He is a good man who committed criminal acts for a good cause and was harshly punished for it even after his incarceration ended," Castiel explained, gesturing to the screen where Valjean's pay was docked in front of the other workers, who were openly hostile. "It does not matter to these people that his intentions were noble - to feed his family - or that the crime was relatively minor, all they see is the criminal record and discount the good heart of the man who committed it and is stained by that record in the eyes of the society he serves."

"Cas, that's not... I started the Apocalypse!" Sam said, shaking his head. "That's a good bit worse than stealing a loaf of bread and running."

"You killed a demon," Castiel disagreed. "A demon you had been told by everyone around you was responsible for breaking Seals and that killing her would stop things. You were deliberately not told that she was the final Seal and that killing her would release Lucifer because enough angels, myself included, believed that if you knew the truth then you would not have killed her. Yet you do not blame me for lying to you, or for changing my mind and breaking through my conditioning too late to send Dean in time to stop you. Nor do you blame Dean for breaking under Alistair and being the one to break the first Seal which set things in motion. Instead, you continue to allow people, including Dean who should really know better, to cast the blame for things beyond your control onto your shoulders and even take on blame and responsibility where there should be none, forgetting that any penance required for playing a part long ago set out for you has been more than served."

Sam looked away from Castiel's placid, deeply knowing expression, but found he couldn't focus on the screen until a flash of silver catching light drew his attention. "Look, I don't... whatever redemption I might have earned with jumping has to be cancelled out by the things I did after getting out again, especially all the crap I pulled without my soul--"

"Do you think yourself responsible for your soulless self's actions, even though your soul was still in the Cage being subjected to Michael and Lucifer's torments?" Sam frowned a little at the low notes of guilt and sorrow in the Angel's voice and looked over, but Castiel wouldn't meet his eyes, staring instead at the screen as the old priest backed up Valjean's lie of gifted silver and gave over the candlesticks as well. "Hm. Heaven has not treated you nearly so kindly as this priest does..."

"Castiel," Sam started to reach out, but found his courage falter and lowered his hand with a sigh. "I know you didn't leave my soul behind on purpose. I knew it then, too, even with you keeping secrets and never having mentioned it before that moment... sorry, too, about the holy fire."

"There is no apology necessary," Castiel refuted, though Sam thought he looked moderately grateful for it anyway. "You were right to be suspicious of my actions and motives at the time, if not for that specific reason."

"Still..."

"Sam, I assure you, I hold no ill will over your suspicion of me, nor for your actions to try and stop me. If anything, I am deeply grateful for your continued faith in me even after I had gone off the reservation and done you considerable harm." Castiel shook his head. "We are getting away from the main subject, which is that you are not responsible for the actions your body committed without your soul present."

"It was still my body," Sam argued. "My... impulses or whatever, stripped of my inhibitions--"

"Not true," Castiel interrupted. "Stripped of your higher empathic functions and natural moral compass that is your soul, your body behaved with logical precision not unlike how most Angels would act. While that behavior likely seemed heartless or 'dickish' at times, this was in part because of the contrast to your usual compassion and kindness, but you weren't actively malicious or uncontrolled. Everything, including the decision to go to Dean with the suspicion that something was wrong and to ask him to be your moral compass, was meticulously and logically thought out and reasoned for the most optimal outcome. Recall that your soulless self felt that it was for the best that your soul be retrieved and rejoined with your body, and only rejected the plan when the possibility that doing so would kill you was presented."

"Whereupon I promptly tried to kill Bobby! Cas--"

"Sam," Castiel turned fully to face him and glared at him in a way that reminded Sam forcefully of the fact that this was an Angel of the Lord. "You. Are. Not. To. Blame. Your soulless self attempted to kill a man who showed every sign of being ready to kill you by forcefully reuniting your damaged soul with your body. A soul, I must add, which did not deserve the torment inflicted upon it and to which we owed the continued existence of the human race."

"I was just--"

"Cleaning up your mess, so you've said." Castiel was beginning to look frustrated. "But the Apocalypse was not just your mess. It was Dean's, and mine, and Lucifer's, and Michael's, and every angel and demon and human servant of either side who worked towards setting it off earlier than my Father planned. I would even venture to say that it was my Father's fault for refusing to step in when, despite Raphael's delusions, we had very clear evidence from Joshua that He is still alive and close enough to be aware of the situation." The Angel reached forward then and covered the shell-shocked human's nearest hand with his own. "Your soulless self recognized that, and recognized the unfair imbalance, and quite rightly called us out on our lack of respect for you and your sacrifices. Since regaining your soul, Dean's insistence on leaving past transgressions in the past except when it suits him to drag them out as evidence of culpability and questionable judgement has driven your self-confidence down to the point where you have even allowed Dean to make you believe yourself at fault for not looking for a brother and non-human friend whom you had every reason to believe were dead and at peace.

"No more," Castiel said with a fire in his vessel's blue eyes that had nothing to do with his borrowed Grace. "Sam Winchester, you will listen to me and believe this if nothing else: You. Deserve. Respect. And for my part in allowing others to be negligent in giving you that respect, you have my apologies."

For a long moment, Sam could do nothing more than stare at Castiel, stunned speechless and feeling more than a few echoes of the old awe and wonder with which he had first viewed this Angel of the Lord who had saved his big brother from Hell. It seemed impossible to believe, even with Castiel staring into him and all but demanding that he do so. For all he knew, he had fallen asleep on the couch next to Castiel and all of this was somehow some sort of incredibly vivid dream like the ones he tried to pretend he didn't have about the Angel, because if anything stood a chance at making their current arrangement far more awkward than it ever needed to be....

Castiel must have seen something of his thoughts in his expression, because the intensity faded into sadness and then, before Sam could gather his wits enough to try and reassure him, turned to resolve. "I will remind you of this conversation later, so as to establish better credibility."

"Um..." Sam blinked. That was unexpected. "Okay? Thanks? I'll... work on believing you, Cas, I will, I just...."

"Have several years of conditioning for expecting the worst to work around, as well as the more recent problems with maintained perception of reality," Castiel nodded. "I will remind you as often as is necessary of your worth and worthiness."

Sam nodded, more for the lack of any other way to acknowledge Castiel's words than out of agreement or understanding, jumping a little when the music from the television screen picked up in volume. He turned back to the movie, flushing darkly when he realized that they'd completely missed Fantine's entire arc and Valjean's crisis of conscience, and reached for the remote. "Oh, hey, let me--"

"No, it's--" Castiel's grip on Sam's hand tightened, then released with enough abruptness that Sam found himself stopping anyway, turning questioning eyes on Castiel. "I confess that I have been, ah, 'cheating' with this film, as it is one of the stories that Metatron saw fit to share, though not this particular version."

"Should we put on something else?"

"If that is what you prefer. I am enjoying watching it with you regardless."

It was on the tip of his tongue to ask if that was because of Castiel's bizarre comparisons between Sam and Valjean, but he swallowed it back and instead forced himself to settle back into the couch beside Castiel to watch the introduction to the Thénardier family and Cosette. The silence stretched between them as the music played, until--

"Sam? Why is Thénardier's wife making that gesture when she sings that there is 'not much there'?"

Sam swallowed down the urge to choke or laugh, because of course Castiel would ask about that. He cut a sharp glance in the Angel's direction to check if he was being trolled, but Castiel's expression showed only genuine puzzlement. "Uh... Well, I mean, uh... some guys get kinda hung up on penis size, uh, taking the whole 'bigger is better' idea way too seriously and, uh, thinking that bigger size makes them better able to please their partners, which, uh, really isn't true across the board. And, uh, there are a lot of guys who think that having those, um, extra inches is all they need for it to be good for their partner, which also isn't true." He found himself looking at the screen in a gambit to not have to meet Castiel's eyes, and moments later he pointed. "See, she's saying the line again without the gesture. So, uh, the implication is Thénardier falls doubly short of the mark."

"I see," Castiel said, his tone meditative. With his eyes averted, Sam couldn't see the speculative look the Angel sent in his direction, though he definitely heard the pointedly dry tone when Castiel added, "Mrs Thénardier would do better to find a more skilled pizza man."

Sam jerked his head around to stare at Castiel again, but this time the Angel's expression was the same sort of bland that he used when trolling Dean, and so Sam managed to force out a chuckle for the joke before settling in to watch the dynamics between the Thénardiers and Cosette with its very Cinderella vibe. Castiel muttered something about "punching John Winchester again" that made no sense and Sam wasn't sure he wanted to know about anyway, and then made a brief comment about Cosette's dream being similar to many human interpretations of Heaven, but otherwise said nothing until Valjean told Cosette that he was now her father.

"Another parallel," he said. Sam, who had hoped Castiel had forgotten about his weird fixation by this point, blinked in confusion.

"Uh, Cas, I'm pretty sure I haven't gone and adopted any random kids," he pointed out. Really, that seemed more like something Dean would do than him, Dean actually really liked kids and liked the idea of being a dad while Sam... not so much.

"Random, no," Castiel agreed. "You are, however, extraordinarily compassionate. I suspect that, if presented with an orphaned child whose situation required more specialized guardianship than a more normal human fosterage system could provide, you would be an excellent parental figure." He was silent for a moment, pensive and troubled, and then said, softly, "I had never had Nephilim of my own, nor am I likely to do so in the future, but if I did and was unable to care for the child myself, I would ask you."

"Me?" Sam gaped at him. "I mean, why me? Why not Dean?"

"Dean has an unfortunate history of being less than tolerant of supernatural occurrences, of children with powers beyond most human capabilities," Castiel said, shooting an apologetic glance at Sam even before Sam was aware of wincing. "A Nephil would inevitably have powers, and I am a Seraph. Only an Archangel could overpower and suppress the Grace of a Nephil sired by me, and there are no more Archangels available to do so. You have powers of your own and training in using them, albeit with an enhancement method that I would not recommend using with a Nephil, and would be well suited to teaching."

"Cas, my powers--"

"Are yours and yours alone. Azazel may have forcefully activated them on his own schedule and attempted to corrupt them and, through them, you, but he - and Ruby - failed. Your soul is far too pure and good for their hooks to find permanent anchor."

"But... I mean, you... angels... you always warned me against using them...."

"Only because the method with which you were amplifying them - that is, drinking demon blood - was so dangerous to you and the people around you, and training them to full strength properly after first tearing down Azazel's blocks would have taken considerably more time and effort... and, I suspect, those of my superiors actively assisting in bringing about the Apocalypse did not want you learning to use your powers without the addictive crutch of demon blood that could be used to prime your rage and point you at Lilith when the time came."

"So why are you just now telling me this?"

"Well," Castiel glanced away, looking somewhat sheepish. "To be honest, I did not realize that you were unaware that your powers were innate and not actually demonic in origin until I overheard you speaking of them in past tense as if they no longer existed because you were no longer drinking demon blood rather than you simply not using them. Given my clumsy understanding of social nuances and the complex mix of negative emotions you associate with your powers, I erred on the side of caution and did not mention it until our current conversation provided an opening."

Well. That was fair. Even so, Sam couldn't help but stare at Castiel as he attempted to process everything he had learned in such a short amount of time. The fact that the majority of Angels hated him was not new, but the fact that Heaven had actively sabotaged his efforts to be better than the demon blood that tainted him was... also not new, exactly, but Sam had never expected to hear it put so bluntly in conjunction with reassurance that his powers - and, by extension, Sam himself - did not come from a source of evil.

Even more bewildering was the hypothetical child Castiel spoke of and his assertion that Sam, not Dean who had always longed to be a parent, but Sam who had barely ever had anything to do with children even when he had been one, was to be given custody of the hypothetical Nephil if Castiel was incapacitated. The way Castiel had talked about the subject made it clear that he had never had Nephilim himself, and Sam knew that the creation of Nephilim was outlawed, and yet the Angel was sitting there, calm as you please, declaring that if he did ever have a child with a human and needed another parent besides himself and, presumably, the mother, that he would pick Sam. Sam, who was uncomfortable around kids at the best of times, even if he could fake passable competence in an emergency. Sam, who wouldn't trust himself to look after a completely human baby, never mind one that had "phenomenal cosmic powers" at its disposal. Sam who, until earlier when Castiel had declared that "nothing is worth losing you", had thought that Castiel might possibly consider him a friend at best and tolerated him as a reasonably useful asset at worst. Mind-boggling just didn't cover it.

And that wasn't even touching the whole thing with Castiel sounding like he was defending the actions of his soulless self. The subject of Sam's time topside without his soul was something Dean had never hesitated shut down hard, but Castiel had sounded almost... complimentary. Which made no sense, Sam knew, because without his soul he had been a tactless jerk, not--

"Your soulless self recognized that... and quite rightly called us out on our lack of respect for you and your sacrifices."

Sam swallowed against the lump forming in his throat, and again when it refused to be dislodged. Everything he did to help people, to try and make up for the damage he had caused, it never felt like enough. All the centuries spent in the Cage with Michael and Lucifer systematically taking out their rage on him amounted to only a year and a half on Earth, and the tortures blurred together to the point where Sam had long since lost count of how many centuries it had really been, shoving it down and shoving it down, his shaky forays into meditation and reshuffling his mind only managing to build the flimsiest of fences between his conscious mind and that echoing chasm of memory and pain, bits and pieces escaping here and there to scratch along his dreams. Little reminders that he may be out, maybe, but he would never be truly free. It was a truth, cold and logical and inexorable, that Dean refused to acknowledge in either of them, touched by Hell as they both were in different ways, and neither of them coping nearly as well as they wanted the other to believe.

"Stripped of your higher empathic functions and natural moral compass that is your soul, your body behaved with logical precision not unlike how most Angels would act."

The irony of an Angel of the Lord comparing his soulless self to other Angels was not lost on Sam, nor was the way that comparison gave him mixed feelings. All the years of praying, of believing in God and His Angels, having faith that some higher power was watching out for Dean and his Dad when he couldn't, that there was real good in the world to counterbalance all the evil being shoved at him from all sides...

"Sam Winchester, the boy with the demon blood."

...no....

"Nothing is worth losing you."

...but why....

"Sam? Sam, did you hear me?"

"Hm?" Jolted from his contemplating, Sam shot a guilty look first at the screen - how had he missed that much of the movie?! - and then gave Castiel a sheepish smile. "Sorry, Cas. What were you saying?"

"I was asking about Marius's assertion that he is in love with Cosette, when he has only just met her and barely interacted with her at all," Castiel repeated himself after a moment of scrutiny for his friend. "It seems disingenuous, more like the 'love' of the pizza man and the babysitter."

"It's supposed to be love at first sight, Cas," Sam explained, scrubbing a hand down his face. "It's like... when two people who've never interacted before meet, and there's this... connection that forms between them, like they click on a level that is deeper than physical or emotional. A look, a touch of hands... you just know, looking at that person, that this is it. This is the one." He shrugged. "It's talked about in books and movies and stories and songs all the time as this big romantic ideal, a lot like soulmates... uh, cupid-type soulmates, not me and Dean type soulmates."

"Do you not believe in love at first sight?" Castiel asked, tilting his head to the side with that puzzled curiosity that Sam found endearingly familiar.

"I don't disbelieve in it," Sam said, choosing his words carefully. "I mean, being a hunter has taught me that every story has some root in a truth. I just don't necessarily think that it always happens the way the stories make it sound. Like maybe sometimes it's one-sided, or something gets in the way like they live too far apart or one is already married or..." Sam bit his lip before he could continue the thought with mention of angels and humans, because he knew from Castiel that most instances of humans and angels coupling were less about romance and love and more about lust and awkward power imbalances, and the last thing he wanted to bring up right now was the hypothetical Nephil again. "Besides, just because love usually happens more slowly than a couple of seconds doesn't make it any less deep or meaningful or special."

"I see," Castiel hummed, and then, "Sam? How do you know when you're in love?"

...Shit.

"Uh," Sam reached up to rub the back of his neck, only to force his hand back down again when he realised what he was doing. "It's different for everyone, Cas...."

"I am aware," and there was a definite note of impatience in the gravelled voice. "I am asking how you know when you are in love."

"Oh," Sam mumbled. He could feel his face heating up and very nearly prayed that the heat wasn't a visibly obvious blush before he stopped himself; Castiel would probably hear it if he did. "Uh, well... not to sound like a broken record, but it was different for everyone I was... I mean, I felt differently about different people, even though it's all still love."

Castiel made an encouraging noise, and when Sam chanced a look in his direction, the Angel was turned more towards him than the screen, clearly interested and wanting to hear more. Well, okay then. Sam leaned back into the couch and closed his eyes, reaching back into the depths of his memory for the times he was in love or thought he was, shying away from some of the memories like Madison or Sarah or Amelia, and focusing on the deeper ones, the ones that got under his skin and stayed there across the years, even just as scars. There was a pattern there, a set of feelings that overlapped each instance.

"Happiness," he began, because that was the obvious place to start. "When you see the person, you feel happy. Being around them, sitting next to them, holding hands, hugging... full of happiness and joy and peace. You feel happy when they're happy, sad when they're sad, hurt when they're in pain... You want to protect them, even when you know they can protect themselves. You would fight, kill, even die for them, not because they would ever ask it of you, but because losing them is... unthinkable. It's agony. And all the pain is worth it, because seeing them smile is... it's better than Heaven."

"Oh," Castiel breathed. "Yes, that... that makes so much sense now."

There was a shuffling sound, and the couch cushions dipped beneath shifting weight, and then Sam felt one of his hands being enfolded in Castiel's, the skitter of that unfamiliar Grace held tightly leashed beneath his skin tingling just at the edge of Sam's awareness. He opened his eyes and looked at Castiel, who was beaming at him now from much closer than he had been. "Cas...?"

"Sam," Castiel was still smiling, but it was warmer, softer than the brilliant joy of before, more comfortable and... "Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. I was never able to explain myself adequately to my brothers, and so they frequently drew incorrect conclusions that I lacked the necessary frame of reference to refute or correct. Perhaps now I can make them understand."

"Understand?"

"That I am in love with you, Sam Winchester," Castiel squeezed Sam's hand gently. "My world started the day I took your hand. And I would not have it any other way."

"Cas... I...." He couldn't say it. He wanted to, God, did he ever want to say it back, but the words caught in his throat, too used to being choked back after so many years. "Cas...."

"I know. Sam? Will you hold me again? I enjoyed that quite a lot."

"Sure, Cas," Sam shifted, shoving the whirling of his thoughts back and away, and opened his arms. Castiel released his hand and moved closer, pressing the length of his body against Sam's. He let out a soft sigh as Sam brought his arms up to curl around Castiel, settling in a loose embrace that still managed to fully encompass the Angel's smaller physical frame. Together, they turned to watch the movie, wrapped up in each other and the mutual assurance that their feelings, spoken or not, were returned.

"Tomorrow we'll discover what our God in Heaven has in store...."

=End=

#sastiel #sastielcc #sastiel creations challenge #spn fluff bingo #supernatural fic

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