#cartman kinda :lip bite:
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sleepover w/ cartman? what movies would you guys watch or like what would you guys do all night (video games,, 😳,, partying idk)
Got me excited 👀
Ik I said another request has my priority but like, this is really good and I’ll probably start on this one
But in the morning it’s almost 11 pm and I just woke up (btw this probably isn’t gonna be good I’m racking my brain for ideas)
Edit: ignore how I inserted my hobbies for the reader, IGNORE IT-
HAS NSFW CONTENT
Sleepover hcs w/ Cartman
• I’m gonna give it some background, the sleepovers probably after a long day of school. Maybe the guys were bugging him so ofc he’s gonna ask his gf to come over so he can rant and cuddle
• It wasn’t meant to be a sleepover but just ends up being one 💀
• That day just drained him and he missed youuuu, he needs to tell you about everything that happened and perhaps make you do his English homework because he sucks at it
• Eric’s laying on your chest grumbling about the guys while you kinda have your arms around him and are sewing
• Imagine you’re cooking something for the both of them because Liane is out partying and he just has his arms around your waist as he stands behind you with his head on your shoulder <333
• He’s whining about being hungry tho so it’s not as cute 🙄
• This man probably devours it, and it’s definitely not because your cooking is really good. Totally not, it’s just because he’s hungry
• Is what he says, it’s bullshit and you know he loves your cooking
• Y’all play all sorts of games tho, ranging from Mario cart to COD because he has a problem and chooses games he rages at when he loses
• He fucking sucks at Mario cart (the only reason he wins against the guys is because they suck even more) but won’t admit it and says you cheated during the game
• Y’all probably also watch a bunch of movies, switching between who chooses them. He’s always complaining about yours because “they suck ass” but he secretly enjoys them
• His favorite movie out of the ones you play is Mean Girls, and he definitely mocks at least one character through out the whole movie
• It’s 11 pm at this point, and during sleepovers you’re supposed to stay up all night aren’t you??
• He doesn’t even know what he wants to do but he wants your attention, desperately
• Probably plays truth or dare and you already know this is gonna end up a lil… steamy (this hc totally isn’t because an old crush of mine always played truth or dare when he came over and he’d always do really horny stuff)
• Tbh when this starts he’s kinda horny but he’s mainly bored. He’s just looking for some skin to skin contact
• At first it’s stupid, like prank call Stan or chug some disgusting mixture or whatever alcohol y’all can find but not for long 💀
• Eventually y’all just fall asleep on the couch- BUT THIS IS NOT WHERE IT ENDS
• Eric wakes up first and literally will not stop annoying you until you wake up, he wants attention >:(
• Please I just had an idea- he calls you sugar sometimes and when he wakes up and like, for the first hour of him being awake he has this hot morning voice <333 and he knows it makes you weak in the knees and you like that nickname so he probably calls you it the most in the morning-
NSFW
• Ik this is gonna sound really weird but I need you to stay with me on this, ok?!!?
• Sex with Cartman during sleepovers is usually sleepy sex or him fucking you (WITH YOUR CONSENT) while you sleep- PLEASE STAY WITH ME ON THIS I HC THAT HE'S INTO SOMNOPHILLA
• He definitely pokes/messes with your boobs just because it fun, also to try to wake you up
• Imagine sleepy sex with him tho- you're both half asleep but really horny so he promises he'll do it quickly and to make you feel good before y'all sleep. He'll hold you by the hips and fuck you on your side because he's too lazy for really anything else. But he's more gentle than normal and his pace is kinda slow, almost like he's teasing you <333
• Tbh he probably fucks you to sleep
• Ugh all I can think about is Eric pressing a couple of sloppy kisses on your neck and whispering how good you feel as he fucks you
• He's so much nicer when he's sleepy, praising you on how good you take him as his fingers circle your clit
• He's really quiet when he's sleepy, usually he won't shut up (I say this affectionately) but when he's like this it's just quiet moans and whimpers
• Eric fucking while you sleep isn't too much different tho
• He probably a little more awake and so he's rougher and gropes you more
• Your boobs are just so soft and he loves them, how could he not???
• One hand on your chest and the other on your hip so he can fuck you better <33333
• He doesn't exactly have a breeding kink but something about cumming in you is just addicting man, but he'd probably be gross and cum on your back and fall asleep before he cleans it up
• Or he cums in you... and then falls asleep IM SORRY THATS JUST SO FUNNY- he's gonna have to deal with a very angry you in the morning and you probably threaten not to have sex with him anymore for a week to teach him a lesson or something
• It does not work
• He's gonna fuck you on the kitchen counter while his mom is gone and breakfast is on the stove. The fact that half the reason he does that is to prove a point is so stupid and funny
• I mean he also thinks you're hot when you're angry/mad so like
• And like I said earlier, that morning voice of his makes you weak in the knees man
• He's gonna be smug all morning tho

I hope you like it, sorry if it sucks <333
#south park x reader#cartman x reader#eric cartman x reader#h harleybaby needs help#south park x reader headcanons#cartman kinda :lip bite:#eric cartman x y/n#Harley’s anons <33#harley’s requests!
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hiii!! do u have a potential post/finish date for first impressions pt4? ive been rereading the parts like every other day i cant get enough of ur writing omg.
Warning: Swearing
Background: After dinner, Liane suggests you and Eric go out for the night.
Status: Ongoing
Previous part
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'Night out'
Dinner was tense, to say the least. Liane would either not speak or ask only Eric questions. She wouldn't even eat the potato salad you made and looked offended when Eric seemed to love it.
"Honestly babe this is great." He said with a soft smile.
You gave a simple nod feeling the cold glare Liane was shooting your way. Her food was honestly amazing but so filling and kinda greasy. You felt like if you ate more than the small portion you served yourself you'd gain half your body weight overnight.
"Your cooking is so good Ms. Cartman." You said trying your best to salvage the night, and foolishly hoping with that one comment she's immediately love you.
She gave a forced smile and nodded before turning back to Eric. "So honey you look like you lost a lot of weight are you eating alright?"
She was right, of course. Eric had lost a bit of weight since you first met him, it wasn't too much but it was noticeable. You've seen a picture of him as a kid and he was always chubby, but now he gained some muscle, and honestly? He looked amazing.
"Oh. Yeah, I'm eating ok. Y/N never really stops cooking." He said with a chuckle, seemingly not as nervous anymore. "And we go to the gym sometimes so yeah I guess I have."
Liane took in a sharp breath, her nostrils flared and her grip on her glass tightened. "Well isn't that wonderful? Seems like you changed a lot since you left me."
This made Eric gain all that nervous energy back. And you can see why. She said it like it was meant to harm him. Like her words were a knife and she was aiming for his stomach.
"Yeah, I guess so.." He said shifting in his seat.
"You haven't called since you left." Another stab. "Was starting to think you forgot about me."
She put her fork and knife down and gave a small smile. It was insincere, angry. But you weren't sure if Eric saw that. "So I'm glad you came.
"Y-Y/N wanted to meet you so I thought so yeah know...thought it was a good idea." He said looking at Liane but avoiding her eyes.
"Oh. Well, I guess I have you to thank, Y/N." She said darting her cold eyes to you, and you can tell it killed her a bit inside to say that. She turned back to Eric and gave a sickly sweet smile. "You two staying long?"
"Maybe just the night," Eric said, biting his lip.
"That just won't do!" She said with a shocked expression. Don't you want to see your friends again?" Liane said gathering the empty plates on the table. "In fact, why don't you go out tonight? I'm sure the boys would love to see you."
You got a sinking feeling in your stomach at her suggestion. God, if she hated you, how would his friends react?
"I-I don't know...I mean are they even still in town? I'm sure they're busy." Eric said trying to figure out how to say no without the words coming out of his mouth.
"I insist! Most of them are still in town. Stan visits every now and then. Kyle and Kenny work at the school. In fact, I bet they're all at the bar downtown as we speak." Liane said before turning to you and dropping her 'motherly' voice. "Y/N wouldn't mind going. Would you?"
You hated how much this woman scared you. "N-nope! Don't mind at all! L-let's go I'd love to meet everyone." You said, giving an unconvincing laugh.
Eric bounced his leg and nodded. "Okay...yeah let's go."
You and Eric stood up and speed walked out the door. Once you two were in the car you both let out a sigh of relief.
"I told you this was a bad idea." Eric said starting the car.
"Yeah well it would have helped if you told me she was fucking crazy!" You said running your hands down your face. "I feel like I aged twenty years. I started worrying about my morgage in there."
"Why do you think I never wanted you to meet her?"
"I don't know! I thought you were like planning to break up with me soon or something!" You said as he drove.
He slammed down on the break petal and turned to look at you. "Y/N are you kidding?" He said, clearly offended. "Y/N you are the only person in my life that I turn back to. I left everything here because I couldn't fucking stand it."
You felt your cheeks heat up as Eric looked at you with his blue and brown eyes. He cupped your cheeks and pressed his lips into a line. "I can stand you. You are the only person I never get tired of."
"You are the only thing that makes sense." He continues. "My mom says she loves me but doesn't want me to be happy. My friends fucking hate me but still keep me around. Y/N you mean everything you say. When you say you love me I don't even fucking question it. God you're so-"
He cut himself off and let out a small frustrated growl. He grabbed your cheeks and pressed his lips into yours. You melted into his touch and kissed back. One of his hands moved to the back of your head, his fingers tangling in your hair, gently tugging. You gasp softly and he takes the chance to slide his tongue into your mouth.
The kiss quickly heated up. Your hands move down to his arms trying to keep yourself grounded, feeling that if you let go you'd float away. Before you two could get enough there was a honk behind the car, reminding you both that you were parked in the middle of the road. Eric let out a frustrated growl and reluctantly pulled away from your lips.
"Asshole could just move around." He muttered as he continued driving.
You let out a small laugh and leaned your head against the window. You felt less nervous about the rest of the night but you couldn't get rid of that nagging feeling in your stomach. What would his friends be like? Why would Liane make you and Eric leave if she didn't want you around? What was she playing at?
"What are your friends like?" You asked softly.
"I wouldn't really call them friends." He said looking ahead at the semi-empty road. "I liked hanging around Kenny, he was pretty cool. Stan was fine but he was more Kyle's friend than me or Kenny's. And Kyle....Kyle and I didn't really like each other."
You look over at him wondering if you should ask what you're about to. "Why not?"
"It's a long story...not ready to talk about all that yet." He said with a sigh.
"Remember last time you weren't ready to talk about something?" You asked half-teasingly. "Had to have a weird dinner with your mom who clearly hates me."
"I know but I just...It'll take me some time so be patient yeah?" He said parking in front of a small bar.
"Yeah okay." You said with a sigh. "Now let's go meet your....childhood acquaintances?"
Eric grimaced and chuckled. "Maybe calling them friends is better."
A/N: You guys can make me do literally anything you ask. I love seeing you guys enjoy my writing. But part 5 won't come for a bit, gotta give attention to my other stories. And I don't have a set schedule I just post when I post, but yeah if you guys love my writing and ever want an update on the next part just comment so it's a bit easier to give more updates. And if you don't wanna miss a part ask to be added to the taglist and I'll add you. I literally will not reject anyone who asks. a million people can ask and I will tag all of them. But yeah thank you sm for reading. Love ya'll bye bye.
Taglist: @jessiegerl @stephs-inluv @breadandbutter33
#south park#south park x reader#fanfic#south park x you#x reader#kyle broflovski#stan marsh#eric cartman#eric cartman x reader#sp cartman#south park cartman#cartman south park
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Okay Clyde Donovan x flirty reader
Clyde tries to flirt with reader but it doesn't work, not because she rejected him or anything, but because she out flirts him and asks him out instead.
Two months later, This seems to take a poll on Clyde's masculinity like sometimes they fight over movies and by times Clyde is onboard with the romance movie, Reader changes her mind and wants to watch the action movie...And Clyde makes it slip by accident he wanted to see the romance movie, he is caught by the guys.
Or sometimes, he'll catch us talking to others guys with reader's massive charm. He almost goes Burn (y'know from Hamilton) but someone stops him from burning their memories away and convinces him to talk her instead.
He does, reader and Clyde talk things out, and things get better.
Thank you very much for your patience and for your request, I hope you enjoy it. You inspired me to make a flustered Clyde gif. It's sadly still WIP 😊
Clyde x Flirty!Reader
"And yeah, you know, that's why they call me the backbone of the team." Clyde said, smiling slyly at you and flexing his small muscles a little bit.
You just chuckled while biting your lip, contemplating if you should really say what was on your mind. "Well...I sure don't mind you being my backbone."
Your laugh was ringing in Clyde's ears. He didn't fully grasp what you just said, which is why he was just starring with you with a friendly expression, while his brain tried processing your words.
From afar the guys watched him. Craig shook his head, while the other three guys, Token, Tweek and Jimmy laughed.
"Ehm.. yeah.. so... Eh... What were we talking about?" Clyde was perplexed.
He wasn't sure what to do.
He was no stranger to flirting and he would say he's pretty good at it, but every time he talked to YN, his brain went straight out of the window.
"I don't know. But I know what he could do instead." You smiled devilishly and there was this mischievous glint in your eyes.
"And that would be?" Clyde asked, leaning over the cafeteria table you were seated at. He tried playing it cool again.
"You know, how about you..." Your index finger started drawing little circles on the back of his hand.
"Come over to my house, my parents are out of town, we just order some food, watch a movie and get down and dirty." Just like perfect timing, the bell rang, and you got up.
"You got my number, just text me if that sounds good to you." You smiled and started walking to your next class.
Clyde just sat at the table, almost like he was a statue since he couldn’t move at all.
"Clyde, move your ass, we don't wanna be late." Token said and shook him slightly.
"I told you they are something different."
Craig said and the guys just laughed about his misery. Meanwhile the brunette just managed to stutter.
"B-b-bu...but that... That was supposed to be my line."
Nether the less, Clyde still went over that weekend. He had a great time but at the back of his mind, something kept occupying his thoughts.
And it was this conversation you two had in the cafeteria.
It was just bothering him.
He was supposed to leave you stuttering. He was supposed to make those jokes. He was the man, he was supposed to flirt with you and make you giggle.
But then you just turned it around and all that. It made him wonder... Was he maybe not man enough?
Well, his friends always told him you were just a very different kind of person. But he never expected this.
After meeting up, they were pretty much seen as a couple by the whole school. Rumors spread fast, especially when Cartman gets his hand on any juicy gossip.
Walking down the hallway with a very flustered Clyde was amusing to you. The pink tint on his cheeks was always present and it only motivated you more to keep it always visible. Be it a dirty joke, some stupid pick-up line delivered in your most flirtatious voice or just touching him.
Two months passed by like this and the biggest problem for Clyde despite being out flirted every time by you was that he felt embarrassed in front of his friends.
He still pretended to be this cool and masculine boyfriend. His façade only crumbled when it came to the discussion of movies.
Whenever it came to what movies you two were going to watch he kept pretending to not like your suggestions.
“Too boring.” “Too cheesy” “Too girly”
When he felt like he played enough around or when it was a movie, he would actually like watching, he just agreed.
”Yeah, okay babe, we can watch ‘To all the boys I’ve loved before’. I don’t mind.” But then to his surprise, you would just laugh and smile evilly.
“Mhm.. I changed my mind. I’d like to watch Kill Bill.” You giggled and the guys would sometimes just encourage you, saying you had great taste.
“But I thought we were… We wanted to watch that movie?” By his expression, the guys could just easily tell that he was disappointed.
“O-Oh poor Cl-Clyde. G-G-G-ot the hots for P-P-Peter?” Jimmy joked and you all broke out in contagious laughter.
Except the brunette who would just try his best to not show how much this bothered him.
Another thing that bothered the brown-haired half-orphan was that your flirty and cocky behavior wasn’t exclusive for him.
While wanting to pick you up from one of your classes, he noticed you talking to Stan and Kyle.
“Nice muscles Stan. If Wendy wasn’t already with you, I’m sure every girl here would fight to get vomited on by you. Goes for both of you.” You giggled and so did the two best friends next to you.
“Not too sure about that, YN.” Stan laughed.
“Yeah, I wish girls would acknowledge me.” Kyle mumbled shyly.
“Ah Kyle, come on, you’re like a parking ticket, ‘cause you got FINE written all over you.” All of you laughed once more and Clyde’s blood was boiling.
Without any hesitation he turned around and caught up to his friends. He recounted everything and kept talking about how angry he was.
“They just keep flirting. I hate it. It’s like they don’t take us seriously. I just wanna end it all.” He fumed and Craig just let out a big sigh.
“Dude, it’s just how they are. If you have a problem with it, have you considered talking to them about it?” The black-haired questioned. The other guys also turning to look at Clyde.
“Eh..I guess not. Not really, I think..?” He said quietly.
“Then talk it out. Clyde, I know you are a bit dense but come on.” Token now insisted too.
“Fine, fine. You are right.” He said and turned around once more to sprint towards where he thought you would maybe still be.
And to his surprise you were there, still waiting in front of your classroom. When you spotted the brunette, you smiled warmly at him.
“There you are. I was waiting.” You said excited and he felt bad for being angry with you.
“Will you walk with me for a bit?” He questioned and extended his hand to you. You gladly took it and you two started walking through the school.
“How come you wanted to walk? Somethings up?” You asked and the grip on your hand got stronger.
“I…I don’t know how to say but... I kinda have a problem with you being so flirty and embarrassing me about movies and all that. It just…. Makes me feel less like a man.” The last part he mumbled very very quietly but you were luckily still able to catch it.
You giggled and Clyde almost thought you were making fun of him. “I’m sorry then. I sure didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I can tone it down a bit if you want.”
Clyde nodded. “That would be great.” You two laughed awkwardly. “So…Wanna watch ‘To all the boys I’ve loved before?’ tonight at your place?” You asked and smiled at the brunette. Clyde’s brown eyes starred right into yours while he smiled widely. “I’d love that, babe.”
You got on your tiptoes and pressed a sweet and tender kiss onto his lips. “Good, see you tonight, hun. I gotta go to class.”
With a pep in his step Clyde walked to his class. He felt fuzzy and warm inside, happy that the boys talked him into talking to you. Because he sure was in love with this incredibly flirty you.
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also do the "wanna go out w me sometime" one for kyman thanks sis
nah thank you bb :-) ok im doin this one first to get the writin juices flowin heh
yay drag cartman…. lil bit inspired by lais fic ;)
When Kyle agreed to help Cartman break up Stan and Craig, South Park’s newest and strangest young couple, he hadn’t thought it would turn into a fiasco. Maybe he should’ve had the foresight to anticipate Cartman’s antics, but as it was, when Cartman had bitched about Craig and Tweek being soulmates and Craig being an entire idiot for dumping him, and Kyle had agreed that Stan deserved better than being a rebound for some aloof alternative space nerd like Craig, and Cartman had proposed they break them up, Kyle had immediately accepted without much thought. Cartman was good at schemes like that; surely he could find a way to split them easily enough.
Kyle was an idiot for that, because Cartman could never do things “easily enough” - he just had to turn a simple little mission into a completely over-the-top and often disastrous performance, with unnecessarily extravagant costumes and everything.
So that’s how he ended up in a booth in the nicest restaurant in town, wearing his finest suit, which he hasn’t touched since his cousin Eli’s bar mitzvah last May. Thankfully it still fits, though it’s a little restrictive. Across from him is one Eric Cartman who is, of course, inexplicably in drag; a floor length deep blue evening dress, sparkly silver makeup, and a sleek blonde wig. He looks amazing, and Kyle resents him for it.
“We’ll be noticed less if we look like your average straight couple,” Cartman had explained, when Kyle had picked him up from his house and given him a look of barely contained annoyance and contempt. Then he’d said, “Oh, this almost feels like prom!” and tried to get Kyle to escort him to the car, and eventually got his way by saying, “If this is how you treat women, I can see why none of them wanna date you.” Kyle had grudgingly linked arms with him after that, and walked him down to the car - even opened the door for him, though Cartman didn’t even really need help; he could walk perfectly fine in his heels, he just liked to be irritating.
So now they’re in the booth, and Kyle’s leg won’t stop bouncing. Craig and Stan are two tables away, both wearing suits and looking like they’re playing dress up. Stan’s blabbing enthusiastically about something, and Craig looks a little bored, but he’s nodding along, prodding at a salad. Cartman had anonymously left a free reservation - how he’d acquired it, Kyle was scared to ask - in Stan’s mail box: “Congratulations! This is a ticket to a free dinner for two on Saturday September 7th, at 8 PM at our fine eatery!” as well as some finer print details, including the lie that it’d been won from a randomized lottery. It’d been addressed to Stan himself, because Cartman figured Randy might try to steal it for him and Sharon. Stan had gushed about it at school, about how he wanted to treat his mom to dinner as a late birthday present, and while Kyle thought that was immensely sweet of him and felt pretty bad about it, he’d had to dissuade him from taking her. “It’s a romantic type of place,” he’d said, feeling like a real shitty friend. “People are gonna think-” and then Kenny had helpfully pitched in, “-that your mom’s a cougar, bro!” That was all it took for Stan to decide he’d take someone else, and from there, Kyle had gently planted the idea that Stan should take his new boyfriend.
So there they were, at a table for two.
“Dark and dark don’t go together,” Cartman’s saying, frowning disapprovingly. He keeps eyeing the bread sticks, but he hasn’t touched them, probably for fear of messing his lipstick up. “Craig needs Tweek, for, like, contrast, you know? Blonde and black. It works. You can’t have two yangs.”
“The yin is the black one,” Kyle says boredly, just to correct him, though he doesn’t know for sure. “What about Token and Nichole?”
“That’s different.” Cartman waves a hand. “Craig and Stan - have you heard that thing about white gays, uh, dating their own lookalikes? That’s - yeah, that’s Craig and Stan.”
“They don’t look alike,” Kyle frowns. “Craig’s all angular and, like, lithe, or whatever, and Stan’s kinda softer and - and wider, like. He’s sturdy. Different body types, dude. Their faces are super different, too.”
“You sound gay as fuck right now, and I’m the one in drag.”
“Shut the hell up, Cartman. You didn’t have to be in drag, that was all you.”
Cartman quirks an arched brow at Kyle - if the redhead knew anything about makeup, he’d know that Cartman had glued his own eyebrows down, put foundation over them, and redrawn higher arches to achieve the alluring look he wanted; he’d learned a lot from all his hours of watching Drag Race. Kyle, however, is ignorant as hell, so he’s dumbfounded as to how Cartman pulled the look off, but incredibly irritated by how it’s impressive and almost endearing to him, that Cartman’s so good at passing as a girl. He’s a pretty one, too, all soft angles and gentle curves, his naturally pouty lips even poutier with the help of overdrawn lip liner and the pale pink of the lipstick he’s got on.
“I like being pretty,” Cartman explains simply, and Kyle scowls at him because of course he knows how good he looks. Smug bastard.
Kyle’s facing away from Craig and Stan’s table, because Cartman doesn’t look anything like himself from far away, but Kyle’s not wearing anything to disguise himself, other than the uncharacteristic suit; he’d be instantly recognizable if they saw his face, so he can’t risk it. So though he occasionally risks glances back, he’s mostly watching Cartman watch them, as he pretends to look at his menu - and no, Kyle’s not grateful for the excuse to stare at Cartman. He’s getting more and more anxious the longer he looks at him, because he looks like a very pretty girl and it’s confusing Kyle indefinitely. It’s still Cartman, he tells himself firmly.
He’s so busy convincing himself that he absolutely can’t find Cartman attractive, that he almost misses the panic in his eyes.
“What?” Kyle asks, starting to turn, but Cartman reaches out and grabs him, press-on red nails digging into Kyle’s forearm.
“They’re walking over here!”
“Fuck!”
“Quick, kiss me!”
“What? No!”
“They’ll recognize us from this close, Kahl!”
Kyle wants to argue, wants to come up with an alternative, anything but pressing his lips to Cartman’s, but they’re getting closer and he doesn’t have time - he grabs Cartman’s wrist and pulls him closer, tilting his head to the side and kissing him as chastely as he can - he refuses to let this be remotely passionate. The softly curly bangs of Cartman’s wig fall over both their faces, which is good; it’ll hide them.
Kyle tries to count in his head - ten seconds, he thinks, that should be good, they’ll be gone by then and I can pull away - but he gets to three before he becomes hyper-aware of the way Cartman’s lips feel against his own. He doesn’t want to think too hard about it, he really doesn’t, but it’s hard to ignore the glossy feel, how he smells faintly of strawberries, how his lips are warm and plush, just like the few girls Kyle’s been lucky enough to kiss. But this isn’t a girl, this is Cartman - and yet, somehow, when it’s been far longer than ten seconds, Kyle can’t bring himself to pull away. Part of him, the pre-installed horny teen that sits in the back of his mind and yells at him constantly for being more focused on school than getting laid, wants to deepen the kiss, wants to move closer to Cartman, who’s overwhelmingly soft and warm and pretty - but then someone clears their throat and Kyle pulls away, wide-eyed and disoriented.
It’s Kenny, and he’s grinning like a mad man. “Oh man,” he says merrily. “Oh man! Fuckin’ incredible!”
Kyle wants to ask what the hell Kenny is doing at a fancy place like this, but the waiter outfit he’s wearing answers his unspoken question. “Don’t tell anyone,” he says instead, quietly, glaring hard so Kenny knows he means business.
Kenny grins at him cryptically, winks at Cartman, then walks away with a joyous spring in his step.
“You’re a bastard,” Kyle says to Cartman, who looks, for once in his life, genuinely at a loss for words. “Kenny’s gonna tell everybody, and every kid in school will know you and I kissed - hell, it won’t take long for our parents to find out! Everyone will think I’m gay, and they’re gonna think I’m gay with you of all fucking people - you know how pissed my mom is gonna be? Not ‘cause I’m gay, and I’m not! I - I don’t even know what I am, but now people are gonna assume I am, and I won’t even get to have that to myself - fuck, my mom’s gonna be pissed because it’s you. Of all the eligible bastards, she’ll think I wanted you.”
Cartman’s looking at him with a strange mix of confusion and something akin to desire, freaky as that is. “You, uh - okay, bad timing, but do you wanna go out sometime?”
Kyle raises his eyebrows at him. “Are you fucking insane?”
“For you, babe, probably,” Cartman says smoothly. He pushes a curl of hair out of his face and bites his lip, trying for seductive, and Kyle’s genuinely angry that he has some irritating horrible terrible absolutely and completely subconscious desire to kiss him again.
Kyle looks away before he can get more upset. “We didn’t split up Stan and Craig, and now Kenny thinks we’re dating. This night couldn’t have gone any worse, and it’s all your fault. Why do you have to do things so outlandishly? We could’ve done literally anything else to get them to break up. But no, you just had to trick me into going on a date with you-” Then it dawns on Kyle, that that’s what this was all about in the first place. Craig and Stan were an afterthought; Cartman wanted an excuse to be with Kyle.
Cartman seems to realize that Kyle’s figured this out, because he has the nerve to look embarrassed. “It was perfect, Kahl,” he says quietly. “How was I supposed to pass up an opportunity like this?”
Kyle feels a rush of different and harshly conflicting emotions - irritation, a flash of hatred, betrayal, irritation again, anger, then something like desire, and passion, and that damn urge to kiss him again.
He squeezes his eyes shut and takes a few deep breaths. Then he stands up quickly and says, “Let’s go. We’re leaving.”
“Wait, now that my lipstick’s already smudged, I want some bread sticks-”
“Let’s go,” Kyle repeats, tugging on Cartman’s arm.
Cartman lets Kyle pull him to his feet, briefly rocking back and forth in his off brand Louie V heels. Now devoid of a reason to hide his crush on Kyle, he smiles happily and says, “You’re lucky I like it rough. Any other girl might slap you for being so rude.”
“You’re not a girl.” Kyle throws a tip down on the table, despite not having ate, and starts pulling Cartman toward the exit. He doesn’t know where Stan and Craig went, or even why they left, but he’s not thinking about them right now.
“No, I’m not, and that scares you, doesn’t it? Poor widdle baby Kahl, having his first gay panic-”
Kyle turns on him and bares his teeth, ignoring the fact that they’re being stared at. “I would shut the fuck up if I were you,” he growls, without thinking about it, but immediately regrets it when Cartman’s eyes go half-lidded. He can handle homoerotic overtones with a rival - but not with someone who so clearly is into him and who, terrifyingly, Kyle’s admittedly hot for himself.
Cartman goes silent, though, blissfully, as Kyle leads them out of the restaurant.
Once they’re outside, where it’s fairly empty other than an extended family in the parking lot saying their goodbyes, Kyle turns on Cartman. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Cartman grins at him. He looks like the cat that got the cream - and he looks like that a lot, he’s a smug asshole who gets his way far more often than he deserves to, but this time, things are different, and worse yet, this time, Kyle wants to kiss that self-satisfied smile right off his stupid face.
But that’s what Cartman wants, and Kyle won’t let him have it.
So instead, he says, “Are you free this Friday?”
Cartman smiles.
#kyman#my writing#answered#steidiz#this... is inspired by a family guy scene#do i care? no. we're passed that#also yay me i wrote a kiss!!!#i missed writing kyman this was fun yayyy
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vampire cartman obsessed with randomly marking his gf through out the day 🤭🤭
Omg yesssss
I’m taking this as a sign to give Vamp Cartman hcs because I wanna so bad 👉👈
For the purpose of writing she’s gonna be human because why not
Btw it’s probably gonna be in a different color than normal BECAUSE TUMBLR IS BEING WEIRD AND I CAN’T SEE SHIT
NSFW CONTENT (because I suck and my brain stopped working)
Vampire!Cartman x reader
• You have marks ALL over you because your stupid vampire bf can’t keep his lips to himself. Your friends are super confused too, they keep asking why you have lil dots all over your thighs when you wear shorts. I mean they know why you have bite marks but why’s there dots?? You know why and it’s so embarrassing
• Cartman found it really cute that when he first starting biting you and stuff you would cry or your eyes would water
• IT WAS LIKE, THE CUTEST THING TO HIM! He loved it when you did that (Cough he’s into dacryphilla cough) so ofc when you ya know, stopped doing that he got kinda sad
• I mean you were getting used to the feeling, and it was hot-
• But anyways, he got kinda pissed about it and started biting you harder just to see you cry a bit. He felt kinda bad but meh, you would’ve stopped him if you didn’t like it. He gave up at some point but he did sulk for a while
• I mean Cartman eventually got over it, he can make you cry in different way anyways. And that's good enough for him
• Never letting go of this, you have to pry it out of my cold dead corpse hands. HE LICKS YOUR TEARS AND HE LIVES FOR THE CUTE FACE YOU MAKE WHEN YOU CRY. EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU LOOK UGLY HE SECRELY THINKS ITS CUTE AND HE'LL LITERALLY NEVER TELL YOU
• Now you're gonna question me on this- YOU'RE GONNA QUESTION ME AND THE PERSON WHO GAVE ME THE IDEA, BUT HE LIKES TO EAT YOU OUT ON YOUR PERIOD
• I MEAN BLOOD- AND YOU??? HELL YEAH HE'S GONNA LOVE IT
• Might be a smidge grossed out at first but then he's like "welllllllll-"
• Anyways, he loves teasing you and biting your chest and your thighs. It's like, the best thing ever for him
• Because he's a vampire I guess he's technically undead so- no babies for y'all. WHICH IS KINDA GOOD THAT MEANS HE GETS TO CUM IN YOU ALL HE WANTS AND NO RISK
• Tbh, your blood is the sweetest to him and that's kinda what attracted him to you. Pretty lady and good tasting blood?? Hell yeah
• If you get high a lot expect him too also, bro can just t a s t e the weed in your blood. Dude gets high off your blood and that's just his favorite way to now
• When he gets high off your blood he gets so impossibly horny and he's so desperate. He's willing to sub when he gets like that because just wants you so so bad
• Please for the love of god overstim him he's gonna cry under you and it's so pathetic and adorable ahhhhh
• He probably has vampire strength and man handles you on accident all the time, and YOU FUCKING LOVE IT (kicking my feet while thinking about being man handled because I have problems)
• For a vampire, he really likes biting. And when I say that I don't mean he bites you (I mean yeah but I'm not talking about that rn) he loves being bit it's so weird but he melts when you do
• He's definitely the type just bite you anywhere and everywhere if he's ya know, not gonna be killed for being a vampire
• He probably bites your shoulder all the time because he likes when it's out of nowhere and you make that cute noise you make when you get surprised
#h harleybaby needs help#south park x reader#harley’s anons <33#south park x reader headcanons#south park x y/n#cartman x reader#eric cartman x reader#mom come get harley she’s rambling#eric cartman x y/n#harley thirsts#harley’s requests!
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