#can someone tell me how to fix this
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i would really like the “my tags” page if my tags didn’t take up a third of the page
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Los Chicos Peleandoooooo
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#song lan#xue yang#I know it makes jokes less funny if you explain them but I feel like I gotta for this one:#xue yang’s Spanish here is playing on the fact he’s a beginner (using a commonly taught phrase)#combined with the fact that he’s clearly taking what he’s heard Xiao Xingchen use.#of course XY would want to know how to cuss someone out in another language. Do you think XXC would teach him how? Nope.#XY would ask ‘How do I to someone I really hate them?’#and XXC would say ‘You tell them ‘Te Amo Mucho’ :•)’#As FAR as XY is concerned he knows *so* many swears. These words are just terms of endearment.#XXC would not swear or cuss anyone out but he *would* punctuate phrases with general terms of endearment.#More so directed towards A-Qing but Xue Yang has been proven to be a decent indirect learner.#That said he has also been shown to Not Quite Get The Nuances (consequences of observational learning).#Sadly he never had a good observational model for love or compassion B*(#Spanish speakers please oh god please correct me if I biffed something badly here. I can fix it.
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exploring the woods with some little buddies!!🌿
#churro art#my art#illustration#digital art#tloz#the legend of zelda#tears of the kingdom#totk#legend of zelda#zelda#CAN U TELL I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO PLAY THE GAME YET.... BHDHSHDD#ive been trying to stay a bit spoiler free so like#clearly this is drawn from the perspective of someone who doesnt know how the game works yet LOL#anyways i mostly wanted to experiment and play with colors and shading! ive been superrr busy lately but i still wanna draw HAHA#I like the coloring but im conflicted on the bg#i didnt want a blank bg again but i didnt envision this as a fully background rendered piece#so i just kinda made it foggy and pastel-ish so the focus can still be on link LOL#to be honest theres stuff i wanna fix but i was stressed out at the end of this drawing#like for example the koroks being too small but i cant fix it now T_T#i couldnt save the file ; had to move the file around tol make sure i wouldnt lose it ; other stuff frustrating me and stressing me out HAH#but anyways i like how his face looks! im proud of the nose hehe#before hobie and atsv i realized i kinda fell into chronic sameface with my bigger pieces#im always tryig tomake my stuff the best it can be so ill def be working on changing that aghhhh
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why can i literally not function at school like i swear i'm trying i just can't focus????
#luc posts#like i take notes but then i get bored and the doodle on the side of my page thst was meant to take 5 seconds took 10 minutes :(#and then im lost and bc im lost i get all fidgety and i keep doodling and then jts just a cycle#if i work for 20 minutes i feel like ive ran a marathon and i have to take a 40 minutes drawing/staring into the distance break#and im gonna fail maths but theres literally nothing i can do no matter what i do I can't focus for over 20 minutes at a time#and then its the end of class and i feel guilty bc oh i didnt do any work :( like i feel bad and i want to fix it but idk whats wrong so ho#can i fix it if i dont know whats wrong with meeeee#ugh#it literally makes me want to cry am i just lazy is that what it is am i literally useless why cant i work#like i was so ahead kf the average grades and i never learnt to study and now ugh i dont know how to function so i just dont#and it doesn't help that my friends are all geniuses#like they complain about their one mark away from full marks and im just like OH MY GOD if i could just focus then i coukd do so well#likr ok i guess i wont mention tjst i failed that test bc yall sre complaining about getting one mark off fukl makrs#likr fuckkkk okay i have so mucb potential why di i waste jt :(((((#i hate school so mucb#i genuinely consider dropping out sometimes like I CANT DO THIS hiw do these peiole di ut how hiw how someone tell me how to function#like these peiole getting top marks withiut eben truijgn and i tyr and i cant fishcis so i fail snd then ufh i want to die#bc its so embarassing i eas like top 10% of the class a few years ago and now i just cant function like how do these peiple do itso#someone explain ot me how oieolem focus and dony get distracted and ginish things kike ugh
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honestly if i had a bigger brain, i would write an entire android shouto fic
#I JUST HAVE SO MANY SCENES IN MY HEAD#you fix his faceplate but cant get him a better eye so he just as this neon blue light#he's always saying things like 'my mother used to read to me when i was young'#and you're always like 'you don't have a mother. you were never young.'#bc you've spent your whole life afraid of machines and how overlord-esque corporations have used them to implement their beliefs#they've taken away so many jobs they are unfeeling they are ruthless they are judge jury and executioner#they're given more power for the sake of being morally grey but they're really just EMOTIONLESS BEINGS THAT SHOULDN’T MAKE CERTAIN DECISION#and then you find him 🥺#and at first you want to sell him and make a quick buck but his face is all fucked up and then he starts TALKING#telling you he can feel pain and sadness and love#and you're like !!!!! no you cant !!!!!!!!!#and then someone tries to bother you in some bar and shouto smashes his face in — literally smashes HIS FACE IN —#and then someone tries to stab you and he moves in the way and takes it and HE BLEEDS AND HE CRIES AJFHSIAKALAL#AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK !!!!!!!#WAAAAHHHHH#but it would be so in depth i couldn’t do it justice honestly akfbsjakqk#GOD i wrote too much in these tags#✿ willow writes#✿ shut up willow#✿ thoughts: shouto#✿ theme: android shouto
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:(
#cw animal injury#i turned on the lights and our dog is covered in blood like??? hello???#since when were you doing that and why didn't you tell me??? *cue frantic searching for gauze*#there's a big cut where his ankle meets his leg (inside of the hind right leg)#i have no idea how that happened#our dogs play rough but have never drawn blood#and he was outside alone and he was acting normally and not whining or anything? like speak up man i need to know this shit#his name is bunny btw and he's a big dog. purebred great pyrenees(?) if the ppl we got him from are to be trusted#i don't know how he got hurt#its way too big/deep for a cat to have done it and even if they're really upset they just paw at his face#my only guess is that there's something sharp in the yard? but it's too dark to look#idfk but we found the gauze and stuff and he did Not like that process good thing there were 3 ppl awake to hold him down safely#he still didn't whine through all of that though like. pls speak up man. we gotta know if ur in pain so we can fix it#i'm hoping it doesn't get infected. we don't have money to go to the vet but he's my sister's dog and she might actually kill someone if#he isn't fine#she has a theory that he may have gotten cut on smth our brother threw out there and like. she may literally kill him if this#was his fault and bunny isn't fine#so far he seems fine there wasn't too much blood and there seems to just be the one cut#but i didn't hear him yelp or whine or anything#and he didn't seem to be limping but the lights were off#idk man but we have cleaned him up as best we can for now but it is the middle of the night so we'll see what we can do in the morning
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Most people really don't seem to understand that friendship is a two-way street.
They expect you to wait on them hand and foot as they rant about and constantly pour on you either their issues or their passions and when you finally have something you'd like to talk about you get a "Man that sucks :/" or a "Cool" in return.
Find somebody who doesn't do that. Then you'll have your best friend.
#i know i ramble sometimes and i'm extremely grateful that my best friend puts up with it :')#but see then in return i do the same for her because it would be completely unfair for me to expect her to act like a wall for me to talk a#or when i wanna show her something and i can tell she's being polite and it doesn't personally strike her fancy I MOVE ON#and she does the same for me and we have way frickin better communication and we have a frickin rad friendship#it's give and take#and also can we bring back the idea of being able to work through some things on your own?#like i am ALL FOR having a support system that can encourage you when things go wrong but some things can be solved on your own#i shouldn't be bearing the burden of figuring out your life for you you know?#i'm absolutely willing to help but if you're just going to spend all your time complaining to me and never ever take my advice#then there comes a point at which i'm literally just acting as your therapist and that's not how friendships are supposed to work#i've become kind of the designated therapist in a lot of friendships throughout my life#and it is exhausting constantly being complained at (sometimes over very minor things)#only to have that person or people COMPLETELY ignore your advice every single time you try to give it#that's not friendship my dude that's using me because you just want someone to complain to#like i said. support system good. treating your friend like an emotional punching bag to let out your problems 24/7 very very bad.#like when i was feeling completely unlike myself and irritated and frustrated for three dang years straight#i didn't really talk about it much because i knew it wasn't the kind of thing advice was going to fix#so i wasn't in the discord servers every two seconds “MAN I REALLY JUST DON'T FEEL GOOD :///”#because when other people do this to me there comes a point at which i'm like “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT”#like i've given you all the advice i have and you have taken absolutely none of it nor have you taken any action on your own#so now i'm just here to make you feel better about yourself and that's really not my job#emotional support is necessary. patting you on the head when you refuse to do anything to better your situation is not.#tl;dr people who refuse to do anything to better their situation other than complain to ME about it 24/7 drive me nuts#and it drives other people nuts so please don't do it to anyone#don't bottle up your emotions but also don't let them come crashing down and drown everyone you know#just because you can't be bothered to put ANY effort forth to contain them#emotional regulation is attractive~~~#society today has built such a culture of “it's not YOUR fault and if you cry about it hard enough someone will fix it for you” like no sir#sometimes it IS your fault and sometimes you DO need to take responsibility#and if it is your fault then absolutely no one but you is obligated to fix it
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shadow might have a good poker face but the trade off is he can’t control his ear movements worth a damn even if it’s to his own detriment. dude could be getting interrogated and his ears are waving around like he’s flagging down a plane
#if you say something that even slightly hurts his feelings or makes him uneasy his ears are flattening to Some extent#no exceptions#he is not even aware it’s happening so even if he’s putting up a perfect facade otherwise#it’s completely useless if someone knows how to read his ears#he tries to lie to rouge but she just raises a brow like kid i can literally see your ears folding back as we speak#and if he tries it with omega omega just calls him out on the spot no hesitation unless letting him get away with it would be funnier#cut to later and shadow’s like how did you know??#and omega flatly states every little tell like it’s the most obvious thing in the world so of course he saw this coming#foolish little meatbag#shadow the hedgehog#sea talks#also a#second chance au#thing#(i'm fixing my tags for a directory don't mind me)
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18 + swaymark!!
oooo thank you!!
#18 - pleaser, wallows + swaymark
okay i know they are canonically obsessed with each other but. the song is in some ways about feeling like you’re failing in your relationship and being not quite as obsessed with them as they maybe are with you, and in this video of them talking about being a tandem, there is the slightest pause before swayman answers “do you miss him?” that makes me want to probe a wound. we’re not talking irl reasons of how that’s an absurd question (how do you miss him. you’re coworkers you’re seeing each other all the time) we’re talking that maybe this whole goalies-in-love thing got blown out of proportion and now swayman’s having to buy into the bit too hard. linus loves it & everyone’s asking about their bromance & how they love each other so much and the thing is—linus is safe. he’s got a wife and plausible deniability and jeremy? jeremy is gay. sure, he can crack jokes and people-please but the more people ask the more they're going to find out until maybe they find out something jeremy doesn't want them to know. and the longer this goes on, the more jeremy has to sit at linus' dinner table with linus and his beautiful wife and pretend like he isn't a little bit in love with him. and you know what? the longer it goes on and linus doesn't dial it down jeremy does stop being in love with him, because it just feels cruel, until he finally is done enough that he stops biting his tongue and ruins the moment.
#…this so is not a five sentence summary but ALSO this manages to perfectly align with something i was obsessed with (that media video)#like yeah is that pause reasonably a buffering time to a weird question? yes!!! do i want to read into it & make swayman a bit uncomfortabl#also yes!!! sorry i decided to give them tragique but they were assigned by spotify. the other option for this song was an ED fix-it fic#about healthy sex and learning that it can be a part of a normal relationship!! sex is weird and fucked up!! but like. that’s just because#i have always interpreted this song as a) unrequited best friend love & you’re worried you’re gonna fuck it up b) virgin who doesn’t know#what sex is and is scared to tell anyone and then option c) people pleaser keeps going along with it but can’t anymore#also OBVIOUSLY they end up fine. whether that ends up being jeremy finally telling linus (oblivious) i don’t want to do this with you#i need to get over you & them creating a platonic space & sway ends up with someone else OR linus has the oh. true. i simply never#considered that i could be gay for you option OR the one i have just invented but is now my favorite because i love a good polycule is that#linus & his wife simply add jeremy to their relationship. and then this song becomes jeremy scared to have sex with linus’ wife at first lo#liv in the replies#the interviews in that video doing the lord’s work fr but also that ‘do you not miss him’ feels SO uncomfortable. say no! but then he leans#in with the dirty jokes comment & i know i’ve made like eight variations already (sorry. that’s how my brain works) but it is soooo fun#to me personally if they are broken up but now have to act nice & keep doing all these rituals & sell us on the narrative & they’re just#trying to see who’s going to crack first. needle each other into laughing or getting irritated enough it shows through & the other one wins#do even more aggressive hug rituals!! get a medical warning from the athletic training staff!!!
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#band teacher asks my class abt our musical backgrounds > i'm the only one there who Doesn't Have One > he's confused why i signed up for the#class > i have to awkwardly explain that i want to be a vocaloid composer and they no longer offer music theory > tell my dad abt how i had#to awkwardly describe what vocaloid is to my teacher > realize my dad has a v flawed idea abt what vocaloid is despite the many. many years#i've been enamored w it > try making him listen to vocaloid songs to fix his perception > have vocaloid songs in my youtube recs afterwards#> tailor shop of enbizaka shows up in said recs > make a bitchy tumblr post abt disliking the evillious novels on principle > feel bad for#not knowing evillious well enough to properly hate on it > evillious autism hits > go on evillious tiktok bc i'm curious > someone is#showing off the riliane dollfie dream > god i wish that were me dot jpeg > another person is cosplaying riliane > god i wish that were me#dot jpeg the sequel > think abt how badly i want that riliane dollfie + want to cosplay her constantly > there are only so many thoughts ab#riliane dollfie + cosplay one can have before they start branching out to other characters > 'the miku dollfie would make a killer prop for#a gallerian cosplay' > 'oh my god i have to get the miku dollfie and cosplay gallerian' > look into the different available dollfies >#check how much they cost secondhand > start trying to figure out how many dollfies i can budget for in a year > it's been hours#> i NEED a dollfie so much it's unreal > not even specifically the miku dollfie bc she's insanely expensive 2nd hand and i want to wait for#the inevitable rerelease > type moon & haruhi suzumiya dollfies tend to go for ~500usd > i NEED a dollfie so bad it's unreal#a few months and one of them will be mine. 'which one?' the one that i can get the best deal on when the time comes#romeo.txt
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so CBT never worked for us in therapy. basically every instance of it was therapists trying to get us to stop being anxious about very real problems that were very likely to happen. like, situations that were not only likely, but would be very dangerous if they did happen. sometimes even things that had already happened and were likely to happen again.
meanwhile we have an app on our phone that guides you through various CBT exercises and it turns out when we use that for the kind of shit where we already know our brain is being irrational and we just want to get our thoughts together and work through the issue by writing it out, it works really fucking well and oh look suddenly we've been doing CBT for an hour and processed the root cause of several key emotional issues we've been having for years.
funny how that works. it's almost like we can actually figure out for ourselves when something is irrational and when it's an actual real problem that could put us in danger and shouldn't be dismissed. who'd have fucking thought it
#personal#thoughts#Lucy post#therapy#this is fine to reblog if it resonates with you. if anyone starts being a shithead in the notes I'm blocking on sight though#do not pull a ''see! CBT can be helpful if it's done right! if it harmed you then your therapist was just doing it wrong'' in my comments#the therapists that harmed us were using the exact same techniques but just as a blanket solution for every single problem#and yeah you can argue that's ''doing it wrong'' and I couldn't really say you're wrong about that#but when someone's saying ''hey the way this technique is usually used has done a lot of harm to me''#it's kind of shitty to be like ''well that's not real CBT though. real CBT isn't harmful''#when it's the same techniques being used in the way they're very often used because the therapists are taught to use them that way#anyway this has been a random rant about CBT because I'm pissed that a tool that does help us when used for a very specific set of issues#has been used so badly in the past that we still end up being reluctant to use it for the things it actually helps with#because we still associate the fucking thinking traps and shit with being gaslit and told we were being irrational#for thinking very real very dangerous situations were in fact real and dangerous to us#having to admit that CBT helped with something feels like when you finally take the advice about going outside and hydrating more#and eating better and gratitude journaling and realise you do actually feel better and have to admit the advice does help#after years of feeling like you're being dismissed because people keep telling you to do those things when you talk about being depressed#like okay yeah it did actually work. when I chose to do it. when I felt ready to#when I wasn't being forced into it by people expecting it to fix every single issue I have despite it only helping in very specific ways#anyway I wonder how much quicker we'd have learn healthy coping mechanisms if people hadn't treated various shit like cure-alls#and had said ''hey this will help with this specific thing in this way which will make these other things more manageable'' instead
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y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.
#i was thinking abt it earlier#but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why#actually i do kinda know why.#i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me#earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject#too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i#was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often#especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d#everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just#cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even#consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural#but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other#peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something#something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they#move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less#sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can#always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response#and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone#it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything#not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i#feel like im not actually being heard or listened to#and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you'#or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore#god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it#for everyone else all the time#is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say#this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice#god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover#and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel#like they actually like me
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|| The feeling of being able to post 💙Connor💙 and not feeling guilty about it oh my fucking gods I'll only look at the bright side of this situation like thank fuck i am allowed to feel happy
HHHHIIIIIIIMMMMM 💙💙💙
#asgard to earth 💚 (ooc)#|| tfw you don't realise how toxic someone was until they've chosen to vanish from your life#|| Sad thing is that they play the victim as if I hadn't went through panic and anxiety attacks/sleepless nights/migraine periods#|| This person single-handedly managed to kill ALL of my muses for ALL existing threads in the span of a few days and it went on for MONTHS#|| And I *didn't want them to leave*. I was clinging to them because I still thought of them as a friend and I thought we could fix it. 😩#|| They left though. Blocked me without a word. And it took me two days to feel actual *relief* instead of sadness. I was that involved.#|| But I'm healing and that's beautiful!!!! I'm finally free from guilt!!!!! I can do whatever the fuck I want!!!!!!!!!!! Gods I missed thi#|| All the people who looked at my ''journey'' kept telling me to break contact because they're slowly killing all the happiness I have-#|| And I couldn't do it but at the same time they were all RIGHT. I'm so sorry fam. I'll listen to y'all better the next time okay?#|| And thanks for standing behind me ALWAYS. ALWAYS asking me what's up if I gave even a LITTLE hint. There're so many of you who NOTICED!!#|| And I'm so glad to call you my best friends!!! You mean the world to me! 💚 I'm very very lucky that you're always here for me. 💚#personal#i am free 👻#chaos is back online 🐍
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He is in fact not cool with his friends killing people he just can’t do shit about it and the fact that he thinks he can do smth about (and does!) when it comes to his kids is like a major point
#like one of the main#Idk if theme is the right word#but issues surrounding Batman in general and Gotham specifically#is the high standards he holds not just those closest to him to but also the people he controls#NOW DONT GET CAUGHT UP IN UR GUT REACTION CONTROL IS A STRONG WORD BUT IM USING IT FOR A REASON#like i think the fandomification of the batfamily and seeing every character as reliable in the way they tell their own stories#is making people forget that yes bruce lowkey controls them#like not in a mean way or whatever but as much as dick and Jason rebel and say ‘fuck you old man I have my own people to take care of’#at a snap of Bruce’s fingers where are they?#right back in Gotham#which ppl say is an issue with writing and I agree like they really just can’t take anyone away from Gotham#but THATS meta like the in universe conclusion is what creates in universe analysis#and these issues are being spoken about from an in universe pov#that was just me justifying my point anywayyyd#what im saying is that like#in conclusion Ppl are forgetting that Bruce is scary and still runs this shit lmao#like a few snappy quips about emotional distance and some ‘X deserves better’ fics is making yall forget shit like spyral#or at least how it went down and ended up today and what that says about the characters involved#it’s tragic and Ik we like to ignore that but like. when look at shit like the no killing rule#yes bruce thinks he’s being slighted or failing whenever his kids kill someone and they to an extent think that too which is why they don’t#do it#or at least partly#even for Jason that’s why the killing is not just what needs to be done it’s a form of rebellion for him#everyone who agrees jason should just leave Gotham but still present as pure rebellion and anger and spitting at Bruce don’t get why Jason#should leave is all I’m saying#that’s why Dick never got away#it’s still all about Bruce#even if we don’t want it to be#reading this back it’s disjointed as hell but I’m not fixing it if u get it ily heh just a peek into my dark mind#if u don’t it’s not ur fault not everyone can withstand the alphas prowess…
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#i spend so mad god damn time bitching on this website. its bc i dont talk to ppl. whens the last time i had a non functional conversation?#uuuuhhh last weekend or maybe the weekend before that? so like i gotta complain somewhere. so if i stop complaining u can assume i made#friends lmao. ugh. its just. im worried. im worried abt how this semester is gonna go. how this phd program is gonna go#bc i spent the last 2 years destroying myself. realized ive gotta stop doing that. haven't figured out how to stop and now im gonna triple#the amount of pressure im under while trying to do things in a more healthy way. its just like. it objectively doesnt seem like a formula#for good things to happen. im more worried for how catastrophic its gonna b on my brain than i am abt the things i think most ppl would b#concerned abt. like im not worried abt planning and executing a project or teaching beyond fear of the unknown#its like. ive done these things before. theyre difficult but u make due and tackle the problems. but when it comes to: how to maintain a#healthy school/life balance? i dont even kno where to start with that. i just dont bc when u have a learning disability things just take#more time but like how much time is too much? where does it end? i dont kno how to manage it and i dont wanna hate my project by the end#of this. i want to b excited and not paralyzed bc im afraid i cant change my behavior and its gonna kill me#and im worried bc im meeting with my advisor for the 1st time since march before i agreed to join thr lab and have i prepared for this#project which is almost complete unrelated to what i did in my last lab? no bc ive been managing data and im still not done managing data#bc i cant focus bc i collected that data in a way that was actively self destructive. and i mean i kno itll b fine. thr guy seems nice i#just hate that im showing up devoid of enthusiasm bc its all been drowned out by the fear. and thats also gonna make teaching a problem#bc its hard to b excited abt things when there's a hole in your chest and ur desperate for someone to tell u how to fix it. but idk helping#ppl does usually make me feel better so maybe itll b a good thing. forgot how much i feel like im dying when i sit in meetings and#classroom tho lol. god its been 2yrs since i was a student. classes feel like such bullshit now. and yet if i dont get all As i might die#my students better b good. i have the 1st lab section bc thr lead ta couldnt do that time. so im the trial lab and i start fucking Monday#who tf does labs the 1st week of class? ugh. also its an intro bio so like 2/3 of thr class r freshman. lil bby 18yos and some r non bio#majors. and ive been warned that sometimes there r problems with ppl who don't believe in evolution and cause problems. pls let my classes#b good. im not that worried. its just gonna b annoying as fuck. im not good at being authoritative#ugh. i should b reading papers so i dont look like too much of an idiot tomorrow. itll b fine im just an anxious freak. a lil over a week#until i can try to find a therapist. probably seek medication bc i dont kno how else to stop this bullshit. annoying. i grew up with a dad#who gets anxious abt the idea of taking too much medication when he tskes a single ibuprofen. in this household we feel pain and then we#die miserable. this is all his fault. we have the same brain.im just a lil more irradidic than him#its so funny i say that bc im like the least irradic person ever. i do the same things every god damn day. im just irradic in terms of#sometimes i feel like my brain is on fire and im a cry bby lol#whatever. enough bitching. ive got papers to read. or maybe ill just go to bed and read them tomorrow 🙄#unrelated
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to be like frank here, redemption is an ever going cycle. when youve been the problem, the toxic ex, the abuser, you have to know you will have to apologize for that for the rest of your life. you will always have to live with the guilt and conscience of knowing how you hurt that person, or mutliple people. and you have to constantly CHOOSE to not repeat that behavior, and its not easy.
when you meet a new friend the topic of who you used to be will come up eventually, and if you have changed youll be honest with who you were. you cant run from it. you cant try to round the corners and make it seem like the other persons fault, or like it wasnt as bad as it was. its really really scary. because everytime you open up about it, its not just the wound of guilt but its also the fear that theyre going to look inside and not like what theyll see.
but you have to keep moving on and you have to keep being honest. and you have to remember that everyone is applicaple for redemption, you just have to work for it and admitting you were wrong with no buts is the first step.
#anyways cna u tell im kinda going thru it LOL#ive always been a toxic person thats why ive sort of secluded myself from society i avoid human contact w non household members as much as#possible bcuz i feel honestly like im a ticking time bomb that just hurts everything i touch#i dont think its fair to have to have someone deal w my shit when its such an emotional turmoil so even though i want friends im making my#peace w the fact that i like honestl dont really deserve rhem? ik this seems MOPEY but its like this is my geniune non like baiting thoughts#i was an abuser in high school and in an abusive relationship where for the first half i was the perpetrator. i hit my ex and u know i dont#even have anything to add to it other than it was fucked up. i was selfish in bed and sex addicted and sometimes did anything for my fix.#i will and cannot lie about my past as being a shitty person. its scary to say and post but i have to be honest thats who i was that IS a#part of my history as much as i wish i could i cannot erase.#i dont rly even know what to add here honestly. just watching mias vid got me thinking u know#there is more to this story ofc the same ex i was abusive to was also abusive to me it was just split into segments. like i was the problem#for the first year and a half then it switched to them but its not rly rhe best place 2 share that story when im talking about my mistakes#im not trying to detract here i just want 2 get this shit off my chest again. ive talked about it before but not since remaking a few times#anyways i dont have any excuses well i mean i can pull a bunch out but im not going to cuz at the end of the day i shouldve known better#than to be a bitch when i knew i was being a bitch u know?#being the bad guy is a constant struggle where u will have to really really fucking fight yourself tooth and nail to change and i want to be#that person. i want to be someone who can be 100% honest about how shit i was to myself and others (which i do already do to my friends)#hopefully this makes sense idk anyways if ur struggling with being abusive or toxic im here for u. u can get through this and you can be a#good person it is within ur hands i promise u#ok love u goodnight#personal
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