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#something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they
softshuji
·
5 months
Text
y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.
#i was thinking abt it earlier
#but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why
#actually i do kinda know why.
#i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me
#earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject
#too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i
#was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often
#especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d
#everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just
#cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even
#consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural
#but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other
#peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something
#something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they
#move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less
#sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can
#always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response
#and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone
#it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything
#not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i
#feel like im not actually being heard or listened to
#and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you'
#or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore
#god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it
#for everyone else all the time
#is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say
#this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice
#god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover
#and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel
#like they actually like me
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