exploring the woods with some little buddies!!🌿

You’re not mine.

Natasha x adopted!daughter!reader.

Summary: you were never hers.

Angsttyyyy.

Not a proofread. (Sorry if theres any mistakes)

A/n: whoa okay..

Y/n’s POV:

"I hate you!" I yell at my 'the person who's meant to me my mother and then walk out of the room.

"Y/n we're not done here" she says

I just ignore her and go to my room and close the door.

And that's how every night went so I just stopped going to dinner, because they don't even talk to me cause Elena is more important cause she's their real child.

Is it cause I'm adopted? Is it cause I don't look anything like her or Bucky? Is it cause she was forced to keep me?..

I don't know anymore but to be honest she should've left me with the red room, anyways it around 12:30 in the afternoon and I hear I knock on my door.

"Who is it?" I ask knowing if it was Natasha I would just jumped out of the window. "It's me sissy" Elena said.

I get off my bed and open the door and see her holding her dolls, "what's up?" I ask "can you play outside with me?" She asked "sure" I say and get my shoes and walk outside with her.

We were playing outside for a bit until Elena grabbed something on the ground and it was a piece of glass, "Elena no!" I say and hit the glass out of her hand.

And that's when she started crying and then Natasha and Bucky came out and saw her crying and didn't even look at me.

I cut my hand when I hit the glass away from her, and it was a deep cut as well.

"Aw my princess what happened" Natasha asked her daughter "y/n hit me" she says well sobbing "I did not" I huff I say and if looks could kill I would be dead on the spot.

And Elena can get away with anything or I get the blame and it's so fucking annoying.

She didn't even notice my hand because all she cares about is her 'lovely' daughter, "it's okay let's go inside, y/n wait in the kitchen" she says and the way her voice changed when she said my name made me sad I guess.

And when we went inside I just went to my room, I didn't want to have another fight cause I really over it. I looked at my hand and saw the blood and it was getting worse, but lucky in the red room I learnt house to fix myself up.

After I fixed up my hand Natasha opened my door and looked at me. "Why the fuck would you hit your sister?" She asked and I just look at her.

I bet she didn't she me flinch, I didn't say or do anything I just tried to hind my emotions. She just left my room and I sighed.

And soon it was dinner time and I didn't want to go, then Bucky opened my door and said dinner was ready, "I'm not hungry" I mumble "but doll you haven't eaten?" He asked.

Bucky always had a soft spot for me and I knew Natasha hated it, "it's fine I'm just not hungry" I say "can you please come and have something to eat, even if it's just bread?" He says and I nod and get off my bed and walk to the dining room with him.

I sit were I used to sit and grab me some salad and ate some of it. They were talking but Natasha was giving me a death stare.

"What's your problem?" I ask Natasha while she was staring at me "why are you here?" She asks "because I'm hungry? Why else would I be here, and it's definitely not to talk to you" I say the last part a mumble

And Natasha heard it, "you know what go to your room" she says and I roll my eyes "gladly" I say and walk off. "Why did I even adopt you" I hear her mumble to herself and that hurt.

Soon after they finished dinner Bucky came into my room and saw I was crying, "doll are you okay?" He asked "mhm" I hum and he sits on my bed.

"Your mother didn't mean what she said by the way" he says "yes she did" I say while sobbing "she just been stressed and ill have a talk with her about the way she talks to you" he says and I smile a little.

"It's okay Bucky, I just wanna sleep" I say and he nods and leaves my room. And after he left I grab a bag and packed all of my stuff I need and jumped out of the window and left.

And you wouldn't have guessed dreykov found me again, and I went willingly.

And two years later I became his best widow even though I got beaten for my mothers and my aunts escape, but it made me stronger.

But then I found out I had a big mission and it wasn't any ordinary mission, it was to kill my family, the avengers, but the only person dreykov wanted alive was my mother.

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Bucky's POV:

It's been two years, two years after y/n 'left'. And I know she wouldn't leave like that unless he found her?..

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Y/n's POV:

"Yes I will do this mission." I say to dreykov, "good, and you better bring Natalia back or you know your consequences" he says and I nod my head and leave to get ready for the mission.

I grab my guns and my widow bites and everything else, "are you ready widow?" One of the guards asked and I nod and we walk into the jet.

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TIME SKIP:

As we reach the avengers tower I go in, I quietly walk in, one of the other widows hacked into Jarvis and made sure he didn't say anything when I walked in.

I see them all in the living room, I smirk, this is gonna be easier than I thought. I walk into the living room with all eyes on me. 

"Y/n?" Wanda asked I look at her and she saw my smirk, she tried to get into my mind but she couldn't and I chuckled.

"Oh how is my 'family'" I say and make air quotes, "sissy!" I hear Elena say "oh hi my младшая сестра" I say the last part in Russian so only Natasha and Bucky could understand. (Baby sister)

No ones is saying anything so I say "Elena, Natasha can you come with me?" I ask sweetly and the little girl comes skipping to me and Natasha just walks.

That's when I use my hidden widow bites and use the on the two. "Come and get them" I say over the coms and then some widows come and get them.

"Now it's time to deal with them" I say with a sigh. I walk back into the compound and look at all of them, "we're el and Nat?" Bucky asked "oh don't worry buck els gonna be fine but it's-" I get cut off when I hear the widows over the coms

"Oh shit" I mumble and run out of the compound and get my grappling hook and get to the top on the avengers tower.

I didn't know Wanda was following me, but I heard someone.

I smirk as I see Natasha through the reflection of the windows, "oh hi there" I mumble and turn around to see her and Yelena.

"Y/n..." she says "oh I can't believe you remember my name, oh and hi Yelena" I say and it feels like a knife was stabbed through Yelena's heart when she heard you call her that.

"Y/n what are you doing" Natasha says "oh just here to get something but I'll be out of your hair soon enough" I say with a smirk

"Oh and here's our ride" I say and shoot widow bites at them, "god you guys are dumb" I mumble and I dragged them to the jet but then hear someone.

"Doll.." and it was Bucky "take care of el for her mommy will you?" I say with sarcasm and then Yelena got up and started punching me.

I rolled my eyes and started doing it back, and that's when Natasha got up and pinned me to the ground. "Why are you here y/n" she says coldly "and why would you care?" I say and kick her knee

"God your still the same" I say and rolled my eyes "and I'm here cuz dreykov needed some stuff" I added with a smirk.

"God YOUR still the same, I knew you weren't gonna change" she mumbled "of course cause I'm adopted and Elenas not, I think I got the fucking memo Natasha" I say and turn around to the edge of the building

"See you guys later" I say and jump off and land in the jet.

Dreykov is gonna be pissed, but I did get what he wanted, I got a romanoff and I think she's around six to seven years old.

"I was never hers" I mumble to myself, then I hear a little girl's voice.

"Sissy?"

My Masterlist.

Omg but why not?? You obviously love cooking too 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 I'm sure you'd do a wonderful job as a chef. (Honestly, you'd do a wonderful job as anything, but the important part is if you love it or not ;)

aaah but it's cute!! Don't feel embarrassed. Plus Hinata is low-key Mr. Sunshine, who wouldn't wanna be him?

I don't think I will, tbh. the cases here just rose to 3000+ and I'm not sure if they'll still open schools on the 20th. It's too dangerous. Hopefully the number comes down. Exams will probably be postponed too. So stressful. Tho Kuroo's pervy smirk is what I live for 😔 he looks so dorky when he smiles like that istg. And grrrr I'm sure your friend must've had the most flustered look 🥺🥺

Oh I see... I promise to cook for you, someday. I'm sure my cooking can come close to restaurant cooking ;D I've had lots of practice. Here, there are 3 main cuisines. Indian, Chinese, and Malay. We don't usually eat Indian cuisine (because me and my brother have an aversion to extremely spicy food), and hmmm, I guess we've never developed a liking for Malay food (certain dishes are okay. But those are mostly snacks and can't be eaten for a meal.) So our go-to is Chinese food if we ever go out, since the taste is milder and not usually so spicy, and it's really delicious. Ah I'm sorry that explanation was very long >.<

that's totally understandable!! It's hard to focus sometimes, there are just so many distractions, right? Don't worry about it at all, just read whenever you feel like it. And of course, I'd be more than happy to help.

I love you >///< Excuse me sir everything you do is endearing. I'm just 🥺🥺🥺🥺 the whole time I talk to you.

Nice!!! What colour is it?? Do tell me later :D (please say yellow, then we could maybe match 👉👈)

thank you! So far there's a few submissions for my class. But it isn't so bad. I hope more people join so I can do more stuff, and the class won't be as boring. I'm glad you think that of me tho :D

Aw Shiro, don't worry, I won't ever force you to talk about anything... I hope you're okay, and well rested now. and please make sure you're not overworking yourself, and that you're staying hydrated and well rested. I love you, so much.

Catboy Chishiya 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 second best picture in my gallery right now, THANK YOU SO MUCH <3

Here's a doodle. You've got this, bae >:)

—🐨

To be honest, i really haven't thought this whole cook out, while I'm already informed about what unis I can go to for the job of a translator, so it's just way easier for me, I guess xD but I'll take some time for research, so who knows ... maybe the world will be fine without another translator😋

You're right... I'd kill to have someone like Hinata by my side😭 theres no way to be unhappy around that boy

Ohh god, I hope they won't, that'll be too risky:( I really hope the number will go down as well, really😭 Covid is such a pain.

Ohh? I'd love to try it<3 homemade cooking on restaurant level is always great. Its superior, even!!! I'm looking forward to it🥰🥰 Ohhh that's so cool... our kitchen is usually mixed with other cuisines so I'm not used to consistency XD That's really nice though, I hope to try them all one day, hehe. Dont apologize!! It's nice to know something new

Yeah, even the littlest things can steal my focus away, which sucks:( I really wanna get a professional to help me fix that😭

I love you too!!! Someone would probably punch me if they saw the faces I make when I'm answering your messages, i look like 🥺🥰😭😁😍😝😋 all at once😩😩😭

Sadly, the only had blue ones:(( But !!! We can match as the Ukraine flag or something xD yellow and blue is a nice combination.

Ohh, I'm sure more people will join soon!! Good luck!!♡

Ahhh thank you so much🥺🥺 This is honestly overwhelming but in a nice way, it's so nice to know you care😖🤍 I hope you're taking care of yourself, too. I love you!!!

You're welcome, it's a pleasure to know my creations are that good xD

OH GOD it's the cutest thing ever🥺🥺😭😭🤍🤍🤍 here's one for you!!!

A doodle of tooru, featuring tooru's doodle of tooru!! Love you lots<3

Rate that character! (Rescue bots edition)

Disclaimer:Since my post got more than 10 likes, ill be doing a review on the bots of rescue bots! Since theres a 10 picture limit, ill be doing JUST the bots in this post. With that out of the way, lets go!

Heatwave!

Heatwave, leader of the autobots. Big red hot boy, ready to kick ass, take names, and love babies. Snarky boy who is constantly ready to throw hands at any second and will defend his family. He takes no shit, neither will his team. Cares but will only admit it via threats. Secretly very stressed.

10/10 good boy that will fuck you up with no hesitation. The kind your parents don't want you to be with, but learn to love, given time. Great in berth.

Boulder!

Engineer of the group. Smart, strong boy that likes to draw. Not to be confused with tfa Bulkhead, as this one was generally smart, while tfa Bulkhead was more proficient in groundbridge building. Likes birds, flowers, drawing, most human things. Fan of nerdy jokes and supporting his friends. Honest boy

9/10. The pedes fuck me up everytime, its like hes earing Cybertroinian crocs. Petty, but my rating system. Overall you wanna bring this one home to the folks.

Chase!

Everyones favorite cop bot. Looks like hes all about beating up bad dudes, but is such a goober. Jokes go over his helm, but he tries to be funny. Tries so hard to do good, take things too seriously. Has good intentions, follows his spark. Is so the best study buddy you can ask for. Not a creative mech, but it doesn't stop him from trying. Is so underappreciated. Most likely makes odd purchases online.

10/10. Has such good lines, and is underestimated in his kindness for others. Also bot you wanna take home to the folks.

Blades!

Possibly everyones favorite character. Ironically hates flying, but does it for the team. Can't handle stress easily, but does shit for everyone else's sake. Makes most (if not all) the media references in the series. Would rather eat ice cream and watch cupcake hoarders than go on rescues. Has self esteem issues, needs constant validation. Can be selfish, but he learns from his mistakes.

9.5/10. I love him, but the selfish moments knocks him down a pinch. Calm down baby, world isnt ending! Bring him home to your parents after hes had a few hours to panic.

Optimus Prime!

Wiser than his TFA & TFP version, this Optimus is essentially the yoda of the group. Knows best, is such a good support and role model. Has faith in his boys. Knows what hes doing, at least 98% of the time. Humble as shit. Sees the glass as half full.

9/10. Crazy hot in this version? But him kiiinda choosing to ignore Heatwave sometimes makes him come off as kinda dick ish. Kinda. If your folks are cool with you dating a silver fox, definitely bring this one home.

Blurr!

Speedster if the group. Like Smokescreen in TFP, you wanna punch him in the face first. Pretty boy that comes at you way too fast, immediate asshole impression. Fucks up a lot. Acts before thinking. Ultimately cares. Kinda fuckboy-ish, but hes sweet at some other moments. Has untapped potential. You learn to like him, even if he's kinda dense. Also a unique look for a long standing character.

9/10. Blurr's spark is in a good place, and he has had GREAT character development, but im a bit tfa Blurr biased. At least this one didn't die. Bring home to your parents if you want, but it'll take a LONG time for him to cut his bullshit. But he'll make himself worth it. Kinda selfish in some moments.

Salvage!

Big chonk. Big, burly, boy with a southern tongue. Wants to help. Will help fix stuff around your house if you call him over. Clever boy, hates throwing things away. Likes to scavenge for nicknacks. Easy to buy for. Sometimes his inventions go haywal, but he gets all the points for trying. Probably collects odd things.

10/10. Cute chunkies with accents kill me. Plus he tries so hard for his friends. Even for Blurr, who was gonna leave him to fucking die.

Quickshadow!

Spy fem! Is gorgeous. Will insult your face in the slyest way possible, then punch it after. Calm, cool, james bond in training. Clever british. Thinks she knows best, but needs support. Never thinks of a back up plan. Didn't get enough love as she should've. Is cool and knows it

9/10. Id do 10/10 if i got to know her a bit more. Take her home to the folks, just be weary. She might boast about herself, under the impression shes being factual. Be supportive, and she'll return the favor.

Servo!

Goodest boy. Beep beep beep. Is handy, eager to help. Cutest boy on the team. Multitool all wrapped in a good boy bundle. Give him pets and love him. Will love you forever. Pls dont scold him.

10/10. Goodest boy. Robo dogs so pure

Hightide!

Commander of the seas!(and my heart). Old, irish (or scottish. Or maybe im stupid) bastard. Is great with kids, probably has some of his own. Gives shit when hes trying to make you better. Will tease you. Is down to party, often doesnt think of his affects on others. Firm handed. Will accidentally make you feel like shit, but is quick to try again in his mistakes. Sexy as hell.

10/10. Im weak for older, burly bots who talk to me like he would. Wish he had more attention.

more fun oc stuff, featuring eridunis and his dad!

as well as sleepy mumblings about logan thackeray and little thoughts about his life and what he's about. it's all under the cut, and i kept out major plot things--there are a couple of major like life-altering things in heart of thorns and path of fire, so i'll vaguely reference them, and if you've played those campaigns, you'll know what im talking about, and if you haven't played it, i'll never tell ;)

youu aare my daaad--you're my dad! boogie woogie woogie!

alright so starting from when eridunis started growing up in the orphanage, logan's brother, Dylan, was the captain of the seraph, right, it's canon that he's been captain of the seraph since logan was a Youth; eridunis has most of his interactions with dylan throughout his younger life. this is kind of where..... im not quite sure about the full extent of logan's and dylan's contempt for each other? we know that dylan sees logan as.... sort of childish, dishonorable--especially since logan becomes a mercenary as a young adult (we're also not completely sure how old these guys are, so bear with me, i have thoughts about that)--and logan doesn't really have any respect for dylan either because he thinks being a queen's guard is like. snobbish? that's a pretty easy way to put it. and it feels like the age difference is really rough--if logan is a kid by the time dylan becomes a seraph, and even if we assume that dylan was reasonably young when he became a seraph--let's say 18-20, pretty standard--logan was probably somewhere around 10-12 years old, "young boy" age as he's described on the wiki. so 8-10 years is really tough on sibling dynamics, and we can't even be sure how these guys were raised because we also dont know a dang thing about their parents but it’s fine

with that in mind..... i still wanna give them the benefit of the doubt and say that once logan becomes a mercenary, they have the type of relationship where they still talk, and maybe logan comes back to divinitys reach and pays him a visit if only for sake of Trying to be like a family. they're still (human) BROTHERS, you know; if nothing else, they were probably raised to be social with each other SO i imagine that logan comes back sometimes and walks around with dylan and they idly argue about their morals

dylan, of course, keeps an eye on the salma district because these fun little orphan kids mess around and pull pranks on rich assholes who dont seem to have any patience for kids with no parents. eridunis is among those funny kids, and once he's maybe around 7-8, he starts running around the salma district and causing problems along with quinn and later riot alice (like in their teenage years more-so), and he's one that dylan really keeps a Close eye on. dylan tells logan about his issues with some of the young kids at the orphanage, and logan probably tells him off about it, like "you should care more about why those kids are acting out; you just see them as delinquents" etc; and ok back on track, eridunis meets logan when dylan takes logan to the orphanage one time, and eridunis is Obviously among the youngest there--even quinn and alice are at least a year older than him, and he's also pretty small, and he has that big mop of red curly hair, and logan is like "oh..... this kid does not deserve this life, none of them do"

so when logan comes back more often, he probably spends more time getting to know the orphans than he spends time with dylan, and they're both sort of okay with that. ofc logan has that moment of family panic when he's called back to defend jennah, and dylan dies, and he takes his place as seraph captain. so this is 1320 AE at this point: eridunis is 15, and i sort of like to imagine that logan at least fifteen years older than him, so i feel like it's pretty accurate to say he's about 30 by then.

alright this is getting friggen long enough, and i havent even really gotten to eridunis yet--eridunis really gets to know logan in those five years, and logan realizes that his earlier feelings of heartwrench for the kid may. have been misplaced. because this kid is annoying and doesnt seem to be taking logan or any seraph seriously, but logan also doesnt want to ?? arrest him??? he's a KID; he'd rather let eridunis get away with petty, silly crimes that really only disturb the peace more than anything else, because eridunis is honest enough to give logan any money he's stolen (if he's caught), it's just that he's not. learning from it lol eridunis.... around that time.... starts fooling around with quinn (and later, alice, experimentally) a little, and uh. it's not great? it's really just kids experimenting, but let me just say that he really regrets doing those very adult things so young--he's glad, at least, that he did them with people he trusts; he would have a lot more regret if he was sleeping around at that age. im sure logan catches eridunis getting frisky with quinn in an alley around 16 / 17, and he sits eridunis down in his office and is like "look, i know it's not completely appropriate for me to give you this kind of talk, im not your father, but everyone deserves to have a talk like this" and eridunis is like

"oh no"

so logan tells him all about how he matters and he wants eridunis to make good choices, all that good stuff; eridunis is >:( but he also sort of appreciates it.... he appreciates it more later, when he's older, and it's probably what holds him back from going all out as a horny youth.

i think he and logan bond more over stories logan tells about his mercenary work, and he tells eridunis about destiny's edge--albeit with some remorse, details held back, for the loss of glint and snaff and also the respect of his companions. eridunis is totally starting to look up to logan by this point, so he's like "screw all of them!! you did what you had to do!!" and logan is like "woah i mean i appreciate that, but.... eh you're probably right, rytlock was being real nasty to me so forget him" and eridunis is like "yeah, fuck him!!" and logan is like "NO--language, eridunis!"

once eridunis hits 20, we come to the personal story--eridunis is still incredibly young, but he's honing his necromancy skills (skills he started messing with when he was much younger, but he's never had a real weapon until now), and he becomes !! the hero of shaemoor! but of course he fucks up again, and this is also where i drift away from the canon a little, because i imagine that he doesn't talk to logan immediately, he goes back to the salma district to chill out, you know, steal some wallets--and he's immediately caught by the seraph Again, and this time, like i said in the other post i made about this, logan is like "i can either arrest you and put you in jail because ministers are mad, OR you can help me out with gang violence, and i can try to give you a job with the seraph."

and then we move through the personal story, and at each turn, eridunis is updating logan and excitedly telling him about his adventures. eridunis also takes plenty of opportunities to complain to logan about his new traveling partner, this agonizing magister who's snobbish and self concerned and maybe just a Little pretty--needless to say, eridunis comes back to logan's office all bashful like "youll never believe this.... i have a boyfriend. and it's arkus" and logan is instantly like "YOU CAME TO ME EVERY CHANCE YOU COULD GET TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS PERSON, AND NOW YOURE JUST HEAD OVER HEELS HUH" and eridunis yells back "YEAH WELL IM WEAK AND SHUT UP" but it’s all good haha

ofc eridunis helps logan fix his relationship with rytlock and the other destinys edge people, and theres just a lot of very positive father-son type things in general

and once we hit... heart of thorns......... eridunis is so worried about logan, and it adds a Lot onto his stress among.... other things. which i'll save for another post. anyway, by the time he sees logan again, logan is injured, and eridunis's fear for logan's life isn't really getting any better, but as he heals through season 3, eridunis is visiting him, writing to him, and he's so relieved when logan does heal up just fine.

once we hit path of fire, the opposite happens, and logan has a terrifying moment where he has to imagine a world without someone he really truly sees as his son, and i just imagine logan collapsing at his desk, and when taimi or canach likely contact him again with the news, he's so relieved that he just. breaks down. it’s a bad time, but it could have been way worse forever. eridunis takes some time to heal himself, and logan visits him a couple times, so thankful that he's okay

last thing i wanna say is with respect to the most recent chapter, all or nothing--eridunis is incredibly distraught as a result, and there's a moment where eridunis has to just hide from everyone in his tent, and arkus tries to take care of him, but eridunis eventually asks him to get logan, he just needs extra support from the only parental figure he's ever had. so arkus brings logan to the tent, and eridunis just..... leans against logan for a long time, cries a lot, arkus rubs his back and all that, and eventually, once eridunis calms down, logan gets to tell eridunis how much he cares about him, how he sees eridunis as a son, how he's always had an incredible amount of respect for eridunis, and okay it's very sweet but it's really making eridunis want to cry AGAIN because he sort of feels like he doesn't even deserve that respect for the mistakes he's made, but that's just how it be on this bitch of an earth, eridunis! you have a dad now, and he loves you! it means a lot for eridunis, who soon passes out and leaves arkus to chat with logan about how cool it was for logan to say all that, knowing eridunis looks up to him, and they take a moment to reminisce as father-in-law and gnc-son-in-law about the adventures so far

that's about all i have! i might go into more detail about specific moments within chapters, but this is long enough and i wanted to get it out there because im proud of the thought ive put into these boys already. i hope you enjoyed!

bonus pics!

tbh me

i started believing in god when i was 5 or 6, my aunt had a little patient , it was dying and she asked me and my mom to pray for him, that night we did it, then my mom fell asleep , but i couldnt and it was the first time i prayed for myself , at the next day the kid was like new ,and i think that was the day my faith was born

i used to have self esteem problems at the age of 15, it was sophmore year , and for me every single girl was undeniable prettier, smarter and just better you could say i was empty , i was really depressed and thought of suicided , it was until my friend mily noticed and we looked for help , she was also fucked up

the thruth is i fucking hate when people pity me but sometimes involuntarily i make them do it and i feel like the worse person after that

one of the things it turns me on the most about you is your temper , and maybe its because its exactly one of the things im missing

to be honest , i really try to make things right with you , i really wanna share my life with you , i wanna see all your sides and it really scares me the thought of loosing you, im aware you are imperfect but the more i think about it the closer i want you , the better i wanna become even when i feel like shit

the thruth is ive never liked the taste of the alcohol, never , not even for one day , i guess i just used to drink it to not be the only awkward one not doing it in front of people , it was until a couple months i realized it was dumb

i discovered at a young age how much harm i can cause bc i caused it , it is really scary to think how many bad things you can do and how its so easy to make bad instead of good

im afraid i wont know how to manage money when i get older with real responsabilities

im afraid my dad will probably not see my future kids

the thruth is that there are times when i really dont take care of myself , i dont know why it just happens

the thruth is i get really mad many times and no one notices because i try my best not to show it , but if people knew how picky i actually am all the time they would say im crazy , even you would

the first bar i went was with my father and his ex , i was 18 , so far ive gone to 8 bars since then , and six of them it was in the company of my dad and his girl , the other two, one it was it ali, we got so drunk we both ended on her shower floor just laughing naked , and the other it was for jesus birthday , and to be reeally really sincere , i dont find those places exciting unless you are drunk and well like i said , alcohol is extremely disgustting for my paladar

to be honest , i dont know a lot about politics , it has never been a topic of my interest , just like sports but somehow the way you talk about it captures my attention and even makes me develop a critic, though i dont say out loud because i think you might find it stupid

to be honest i can be very stupid , very emotional , very rancorous, lazy , inmature , i stress over the smallest shit and the worse thing is i stress the people around me , ive failed to people i love leaving them , i admit i wanna do a lot of things but i dont do them cuz im afraid of failure, ive lied , ive wished bad things to people on my head and then regret it, i dont consider myself smart enough for fights and thats why sometimes i say the same bullshit 2000 times , im weak

i believe in curses , my whole family does , i did curse someone once , and something happened

actually the person i admire the most in my family is my uncle , lowkey i hope in the future i can be at least half of the good person he is , there are times when i get sad just remembering i let him down but i also think that it wouldve been worse all the mess i could have done now if i stood on his side

in the things i wanna do before i die

i wanna travel the country if not this one maybe another one in one of those recreative vehicles

i wanna write a book of whatever

i wanna have my own little bussiness preferible one i can manage from home and that only needs me

i wanna go to a country like siria someday and relieve the pain of many people

i wanna get married ,and wear a super princess white dress and record the whole thing

i wanna fix my teeth

i want a small wood house in the middle of a mountain or near of a private river

love myself

so far those are things i dont speak out loud , maybe theres more but are not on my head , i dont wanna hide anything from you , ive done things i know arent right and ive regret them sincerely , i just wanna make things right with you and with myself , being honest im really hurt for the situation we are in , specially when you tell me stuff like the ones you told me earlier, im just trying to redimn myself for that thing i did wrong and that is pushing you away , i want you to trust me , i want arfel back

Confront Yourself Ch. 2

Chapter 2 We arrived at the hospital and I was rushed inside. I only caught a few images of what was going on because my eyes were still very strained and sore. My head was also still trying to work up the strength to make sense of all of this. Daya stayec at my side. She was alwats there for me. I even saw Spitz there. Daya threw him out. Apparently there was a bit more to the story. Daya woukd later on confide in me that Spitz originally was gonna bring me to the hospital in his car and as he was "helping" me in he got rather "handsy". Daya had been looking for me and checked if I was smoking, which was the go to spot if I'm not waitressing. She saw Spitz and called the police and 911. I was completely unconcious the whole time and dont remember the assault or the fainting. It had to be from lack of sleep. Once the nicotine hit my sytem combined with Spitz's rage, I guess it was too much and I collapsed. I cant belive, well actually I can, but still. How could you take advantage of your employmee? Who am I kidding, its Connor Spitzman were talking about. Scoundrel extrordinare. After sometime in the ICU, I was aloud to go home and told to get rest and take a week off work. Daya stressed to the nurse that she would make sure I made a full recovery. She definitely would hold hold up her end of the bargin. She took me home and tucked me into bed. Very little was said. We both knew that I needed to just rest. What was there to talk sbout anyway, it had been a traumatic day for us both. She needed rest just like I did. When I suggested she stay the night she about cried. Daya was one of the few who knew that extending an invitation like that wasnt common for me. She thanked me and got the couch ready for her to sleep later. After a wonderful dinner of chicken cordon bleu and golden potatoes we both headed to bed. I fell back into my deep space sleep. It felt good to let go and finally recharge. As I lay there, I Kofeel tears roll down my cheeks. Why am I crying?  I thought to myself. I wiped them away and fell again into my comatose sleep. Numb. Black. Perfect. Serene. Gone too quick. Before I knew it Daya had brought me breakfast in bed. Waffles, eeggs, bacon, mixed berries, orange juice, even a side of cinnamon butter, and finally a little vase with wildflowers. The works. "Wow, thanks D." I was so grateful to gave someone who cared about me so much. She smiled and headed out of the room. Returning with my Firefly mug filled with rich Columbine coffee. "Three packs of sugar and just enough cream to coat your throught so you can drink more, right?" Daya chuckled I smiled. She knew me so well. Now before you getbthe wrong idea. No, she is not my girlfriend. She is however my best friend and I would literally die without her. She keeps me grounded and I do my best to do the same for her. After breakfast, coffee, and a morning smoke I wanna get out and go for a walk. If I'm gonna be on sick leave then I atleast wanna get some fresh air and get outside. That's the best way to feel better if youre system is upset. I tried to go for walks whenever I need to clear my head or just feel better in general. As I was getting ready Daya was in my ear telling me about how what if I fainted again and that I needed to be careful, I assured her I would be and she finally relented and let me go on my walk. I walked up the street and around a few corners. I passed pretty neighborhoods and not so pretty ones. I finally came upon a small strip mall. I wondered along the siewalk gazing st the colorful and vast stores that were included by one another. Matress store. Carribean dining. Hat repair place. Subway. I kept walking and then I saw a shop worth looking into, it was called Miss Lovely Lovely's Curio Cabinet. From the outside it looked like a vintage bookstore. I opened the door and it triggered a little bell. A lady emerged from a chair and greeted me warming then the sun after a long frost, "Hello traveler, may I offer you some Egyptian cinnamon tea?" She was a very sweet old lady. She had long almost transparent white hair and her eyes were an emerald green. Very shiny and flawless. "No thank you." I repiled. I looked around the shop in amazement. There were so many things. Clothes, books, toys, trinkets galore, and so much more. "Look around dear and let me know if you need anything." She said sitting back down. I did just that. This place was fasicinating. Vintage and modern stuff mingled together. It was beautiful and kept blinking thinking it was a dream. How have I not been here before? I ask myself. After looking at the jewlery and clothes, I gravitate to the books. After looking throught many titles I was compelled to ask her if she had a book that could help me sleep. That space sleep was temporary and I know it. "Ma'am, do have anything about insomnia?" She smiledcat my request. She disappered to the back and reappeared with a small brown leather bound book without a name. "I was hoping you would have come sooner, Reylnn Yorfath." Shd said my name, How did she know my name? I pondered in horror "Wwww-ho arrrrre you?" I stuttered "Miss Lovely Lovely of course." She chuckled "I go by many names, but that isnt important, you need this book to fix what you have broken." I didnt know what to do, so I accepted the book with no name and looked it over. It was rather tiny snd the pages were stained from the years. It also had a vintage air about it. Flipping through I saw that many of the paragraphs had multiple sentences underlined. It was very intriguing. I still didnt understsnd how she knew my name, but I wanted that book. "Hhhhh-ow much?" I asked, sounding like an idiot "No dear, this is a gift, before you can be at peace you must confront yourself." She said lovingly "Thank you." I said quietly tucking the book into my purse, I slowly made my way out of the store still amazed and looking around. Once outside I immediately light a cigarette. What just happened? I asked myself I began to make my way back to the house before Daya got worried. When I got to the front door, I looked in the window and saw Daya was sitting on the couch reading a book. I love the way her hair shimmers in the sun. To be honest I might have a slight crush on Daya, but I would never tell her. It woukd ruin our friendship. Anyway, I make my way inside and greeted her. She immediately started into how far I walkdd and if I took breaks as to not get too tired and pass out again. "Yes, Mom, I made sure to be careful." I teased her, she got a little frustrated but eventually laughed it off. I set my things down and told her about the little shop. She had never hesrd of it before. Weirdly, she checked the internet for it but there was nothing as if it didnt even exsist. Then Daya became a litte worried and asked me, "Are you sure you went there? Maybe your head is messing with you. I told you, you needed more rest." Daya huffed and looked at me concerned. I had left out the part about the book thinking she would freak out, I was even happier now I hadnt. I knew what I saw. It was real. Everything happened just like that. But then I began to question. Had I really gone there? Theres nominternet listing and my mind has been being weird lately. I swore it really happened thought. It seemed so real. Thoughts swirled around my head and I knew I had to see if I had the book. But I didnt want Daya to see and ask me about it. She woukd think I was crazy. I said rather shyly, "Well, I'm gonna go get some rest then. I guess my head is just still messed up. Anyway thanks Daya." Then I slipped away to my room with my purse. Once insixe inside I closed the door and locked it. I put the purse on the bed and stuck my hand inside. I felt my wallet, perfume, sunglasses, smokes, lighter, and other odds and ends. Where was the book? Had I really imagined all of that? I began to think to myself. Suddenly I panicked and thought once more, Am I going crazy? Did I hit my head harder then I thought? Is this insomnia eating away at my memory and thought patterns? I started to shake a bit, but I looked once more in my purse. Wallet, keys, sunglasses, BOOK! It was there. How had I skipped it the first time? Or was my mind just playing tricks on me again? I didnt know. All I knew was that I had the book and now I could finally cure my insomnia. I sat on the bed and began to read. I was shocked by how accurate and headon this stuff was. Before I knew it Daya was knocking on my door for dinner. I stashed the book under my pillow. Because for whatever reason I didnt wanna spark her curiosity. I wanted this treasure all to myself. I unlocked the door and met Daya in the living room. Waiting for me was shrimp and rigatoni. It smelled amazing. I couldnt wait to dive in. Daya gave me the pills the doctor perscribed and we ate. After a great meal and equally great converstaion we both agreed it was time for bed. "You need anything?" Daya asked as I was brushing my teeth. I shook my head. We echanged goodnights and she shut of the lights. I slid into my room, anxious to see what else the book said. Already it had me addicted. I was somewhat experiencing withdrawl when at dinner. Which I thin was more guilt then anything. I wanted to tell Daya, I really did, but I knew she wouldnt understand. So I would keep it to myself until I knew for sure it cured me of this insanity which I was desperately on the brink of. I read to myself, "Life is defined as the state or quality that distinguishes living beings from dead ones and from inorganic matter, characterized chiefly by metabolism, growth, and the ability to reproduce and respond to stimuli. The period between birth and death. But to Live means something else entirely. Live is defined as to remain alive, be alive, to exsist in a specified way. We all are given Life, but seldom do any of us Live. We need to live. Be alive and go out and enjoy the world. Get out of our comfort zones. Aid our fellow man and conquer the earth the way The Creator intended. For out Creator is Life and we only Live through Him. For the wages of sin are death, but the Gift of our Creator is Eternal Life through His Son. All you must do is believe." I shut the book and rolled my eyes, "Great, a religious book, but still how did she know I was gonna come in there, I mean Im sure she gives everyone the same book but how did she know my name?" I wondered to myself, I didnt know how to explain all of it, so I decided to try an sleep. I place the book on my nightstand, roll over, and pull the blanket up. Maybe I'd give the book another chance tomorrow, even for being a religious book it wasnt bad. I fade into a deep sleep and I'm standing in a meadow. The breeze is light and airy. I gaze around at the cloud filled blue sky and the crisp green grass benath me. Out of nowhere I hear a voice say, "Do not be afraid, whom I have chosen. For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour out My Spirit on your offspring, and My blessing on your descendants. They will spring upnlike grass in a meadow, like poplar trees by flowing streams. I am the First and the Last. Apart from Me there is nothing. All who make idolsare nothing, and the things they treasure are worthless. Those who would speak up for them are blind; they are ignorant, to their own shame. No one stops to think, 'Is not this thing in my hand a lie?' Such a person feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him, he cannot save himself. I have made you,  you are My servant. I have swept away your offenses lime a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to Me, for I have redeemed you. Sing for joy, you heavens, for the Creator has done this. Shout aloud, you earth beneath. Burst into song, you mountains, you forests and all you trees, for the Creator has redeemed you, He displays His Glory before you. Be gratious and humble becore your Creator!" While the voice spoke everything around me was changing constantly. Before I knew it I was no long err in the meadow but up in space looking at earth from above. Just floating along in space with no problems. Then suddenly I was in the mountains looking down on the majesticness of the world down below. Then suddenly I was deep in the woods and the wind wooshed about creating a harmonious rhythm through the branches and the leaves. I was amazed by everything I saw. Out of nowhere there was a flash of lightning and booming of thunder. I instinctively dropped down out of fright. I heard the same voice one more and it spoked louder now, "I am the Alpha and Omega, The beginning and the end, there is nothing without Me. Nothing! Bow before your Creator you miserable creation." I got down on my knees and bowed, and in the blink of an eye I was back in my apartment in my bed like nothin happened. What just happened? I thought to myself. I fell back asleep after much tossing and turning, no crazy dreams this time. Just a deep deep deep sleep.