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thran-duils · 3 years

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Lost In Your Current (P.1)

Title: Lost In Your Current (Part One) Summary: Fem!Reader x Dark!Tony Stark. After the snap, the team realizes that certain males were given Alpha status and certain females were assigned as Omegas, all across the galaxy, as a way to control procreation. Only Omega can give birth now. Both are marked and their DNA is tied through their marks. Tony lost Pepper and fell into depression after being rescued by Carol. Even the information that he could have happiness again could not pull him out. Until the loneliness and his new Alpha gene got to be too much. When Steve contacts him that his Omega had been found, Tony cannot resist to collect her. Words: 2,033 Warnings (for the whole fic): Dub-con, a/b/o elements, smut, forced mating

Part Two || Masterpost (mobile) || Fanfic masterpost

After he had been brought back from space and found Pepper gone, Tony had been devastated. He isolated himself despite the remaining Avengers efforts. He only let them know he was alive and was reviving himself from being starved and dehydrated in space. When he had received the intel that in the snap, males were given mates, an Alpha and Omega pairing, he had rejected the idea at first, ignoring the small A that had engrained itself on the web of his hand between his forefinger and thumb. But as time waned on, he found himself empty and even admitting that to Rhodes opened up the conversation again about finding his Omega. Rhodes was convinced Tony would find healing in that connection. Thanos had done it to set couples, control procreation. No out of wedlock. There would not be another overpopulation problem. Only Omega were able to breed now. In any corner of the galaxy, it seemed.

Somehow despite his isolation, Tony had gotten word an Omega had been captured and her imprinting mark, an outline on her gland yet to be penetrated, matched his DNA. It was not a surprise to Natasha considering his incessant need for information and adept ability to hack practically any system.

Or maybe it was because Steve had told him. That’s what Tony divulged to her upon his arrival.

“I did not tell you yet for a reason,” Natasha told him.

They were standing in the observation room. Like many Omega after the snap, she had gone into hiding as soon as the information was out, and she had noticed the mark on her neck. People were not keen on being forced into submission and this situation was no different. Quickly, a drug had been developed and distributed. Still, the Omega had stayed in hiding, still fearful they could be detected despite the suppressants.

“Yeah, I’m used to you not telling people things,” Tony told her coldly. “You learned that from Fury well enough.”

Natasha swallowed his insult, knowing he was getting himself riled up just at the sight of her. She needed to be delicate about this. She had planned on telling him and inviting him to the compound but she had wanted to give Y/N time, get her as calm as possible to meet her Alpha. Steve had ruined that. So, she had to just go ahead now that Tony was here, ready to pounce. He had held off for so long, but the loneliness and loss had gotten to him. Or the drive to find himself buried in his Omega had sunk in; hormones were a bitch.

“She’s been on the suppressants. It may take a while for her to feel her heat,” Natasha told him.

“’A while’? How long has she been off them?”

“We’ve had her in here a few days. But a week at least.”

Tony growled and turned away from her. His eyes found Y/N again on the other side of the glass, watching her meander in the room serving as her cell to keep her safe. “She’s so close! A few days at best!”

Tony could already see it, smell it. It did not matter there was a wall separating, she was coming in through the circulation. And she already smelled deserving of his veneration.

Natasha inhaled sharply and took a step towards him. Firmly, she asked, “Do you need to leave, Tony?”

“No!” he spat, shooting her a threatening glare. He was just daring her to try to force him to leave.

As if he would let his prize out of his sight. He had been lost the moment he had laid eyes on her, smelled her sweet scent of sea breeze and jasmine.

Natasha would threaten him in return. She was not afraid of him, unlike most people. She was firm when she told him, “I won’t allow you to mate an Omega without their consent. She won’t realize she’s in heat yet. You need to wait until next cycle. Even if it is your soulmate and you think it’s for the best. And by think, I use it lightly cause I can see your fingers are white with how hard you are trying to hold onto that ledge to keep a grip on control.”

Tony snorted impatiently. Next cycle? Fuck that. He had been stuck in space and been screwed over by Thanos. He lost Pepper. He deserved this. He deserved her, he deserved this new start. He had gotten himself healthy again. And why not for this?

His Alpha was rearing its head; he had his soulmate so close, and he was so convinced he could trip her into heat early.

His eyes were fixated on his mate on the other side of the glass. She was moving around unbeknownst that he could see her, that he was watching her. His cock was tight against his jeans, and he adjusted, shooting a glance at Natasha who did not miss the movement.

He paced more, keeping his eyes set on her. She licked her lips, her hands wringing together as she sat down on the bench at the window she was allowed. She would have so much to look at when she was at his house. He had moved north, bought a large house settled in the mountains. So much space for her to wander, under his direction of course. He could not risk losing her either. But he wanted her happy. Only if happy meant she was with him though. He would not settle for anything less. He would force that mating bond on her if that is what it took to ensure she would warm his bed.

Out of Tony’s sight, Natasha cocked her head towards the door and Carol followed her. They thought Tony did not even notice them leave. Not that that was unexpected considering how zoned in he was.

Outside the room, door closed behind them, Natasha told her, “I’m gonna kill Steve. She needed a week—”

“Steve is just as meat headed as Tony. As little of time I’ve known him, I’ve realized that I’m not shocked he gave him the tip. He has been pretty happy with his mate that he found. I thought someone as virtuous as Captain America would have at least given the situation a second though, but…”

“Hormones are not a joke,” Natasha murmured. She swore and said exasperated, “Tony is not going to leave that fucking room without an armed guard dragging him out.”

Carol shrugged. “Then leave him in there! Let him watch her and keep the eye out he thinks he needs to. As long as he doesn’t break the glass—"

“He’s on edge already, Carol. If he sees anyone enter that room — even IF they’re beta, which is the only people I will send in there now regardless — he could lose it. Send himself into a rut. But she needs testing still and food. She has to interact with our doctors.”

<><><>

Tony had certainly noticed them leave though. And he smirked as soon as the door closed. Idiots.

Waiting for the door to close after Carol and Natasha stepped outside the room, Tony hit his watch.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y…. Hit the ventilation. Knock them out outside the room I am in and hers.”

<><><>

Tony stepped over Natasha and Carol slumped on the ground and then over the guards in the hallway. He held up his watch to the keypad and F.R.I.D.A.Y unlocked the door, giving him access. He shivered physically smelling Y/N full on, her wafting out to him as he pushed the door open. The room was penetrated with her and it was intoxication. The alcohol had done nothing for him since he had returned, no amount of money spent, no amount of women he had taken to his bed. But he actually felt something when he stepped into the room.

She turned away from the window, eyes wide and curious. He made sure to close the door behind him, a barrier to her escaping. He had read in the information he had been given all those months ago that Omega were unruly when they were not claimed yet and the thought made him growl internally. If she tried to run from him… his Alpha was furious at the thought, ready to pin her.

The two of them stared at each other and he could hear her heart beating faster, reacting to him. Natasha was right; she was not ready quite yet but just being in his presence was having an impact. Yes, he could trip her if he got her home, immersed her in his environment. If he was all she could see.

His eyes raked over her and he said, “Well, they certainly don’t know how to dress you all here.”

She looked down at her loose gown and then flicked her gaze back up to his, looking embarrassed. “I’m sorry…”

She was delectable. Submissive. She already wanted to please him, and she had not been properly introduced to him yet. Tony felt his cock hardening. If only he could take her here and now. But he needed to drive her home. He tried to fight the hormones trying to hijack his psyche.

“No, sweet one, don’t apologize. You still look lovely. You’re so fertile….. look at you. Dripping.”

<><><>

You perked up at the compliment. The multiple compliments. You were doing good. Weren’t you? On many levels. Fertile. And wet.

Wait, wait?

He came closer. Still looking entirely in the brink of losing it but he smelled good. He smelled like home.

And that instantly set you on edge, a clear thought cutting through your arousal.

No.

It was him. The Alpha you had been assigned to. And Jesus. It was Tony fucking Stark. Why else would he have this effect on you? Natasha had promised to speak to you and let you decide as you weaned off the suppressants. She had lied and now you were being thrown to the wolves. And no wonder. Tony was her friend. Why would she deny him anything?

You stood quickly and your back hit the wall. You were closing in on yourself, trying to be small. He bristled at your squirrely movement and cocked his head. He immediately placed himself between you and the door to prevent you leaving, holding up his hand. Your heart was hammering.

He was here. He was here to take you away, lock you away.

“You don’t have to be afraid…” Tony said, his voice rolling over you like a high. It was sugary, sweet. “You are safe with me, sweet one.”

Safe. Yes. He would protect you.

You shook your head, closing your eyes tight, trying to shake his influence. Safe meant under his thumb.

Tony was closing the space quickly and you cowered. He was stronger than you and would undoubtedly win a fight.

“Omega…” he said, the title falling from his lips like a song. You froze and he took a few more steps. He shivered, seeing your response. “Be good. You don’t have to be trapped in here anymore. This room is so small, confining. You can come with me… up to our cabin.” Our, the word usage was not lost on you. “There’s a lake. Space to wander. You will have freedom there. With me.”

Half of you was screaming to listen to him, go to him, obey. The other half was screaming at you to try to duck around him and find an escape to make sure you would not fully come off the suppressants and be his puppet, his breeding machine.

Tony was there, inches between you and your chest pulled towards him, wanting him to touch you. He noticed the movement, hunger swimming in his eyes, pupils blown wide.

“That’s it, Omega. Be good.”

A soft whine left your lips, embarrassingly, at the command to be good.

Yet, another thought flashed. This was not right. And your eyes hardened. His jaw clenched at the sight, and you knew you were in trouble. Before you could react, he brought his hand up, and all you felt was cold metal against your neck before you saw black.

~~~

Marvel tags: @coconutqueen21 @undecidedsworld @holl2712 @agustdowney @biiskuitx @buttercupfangirl

#tony stark x reader #dark!tony stark #dark tony stark #alpha tony stark #alpha!tony stark #dark marvel #my shit

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bravo-four-seal-team · 3 years

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An Email with a side of regret.

Summary : 3 months after Ashley spoke to Amelia, thats how long its been, 3 months in captivity, by mid august her and two others from her unit were save, while recovering in medical, she takes Amelia’s advice - she finally reaches out to her brother

Co-written/proof read: @disasterfandoms

Tags:

@rebelwrites @chibsytelford @jayhalsteadfan-2417 @pinkrockstar19

@softi92 @itsonautopilot @velvetcardiganbucky @mrsmarvelous1995 @supervalcsi @thegirlwhoisalwayswriting @galaxysanduniversesinmymind

She’s laid up on a gurney, injuries healing, fluids being given, blood is drawn after she was knocked out. Now she was awake, they had 24 hours of observation to get the go-ahead to fly out to the San Diego base to receive further treatment at the base hospital there, then go under the psychological profiling, and then a physical evaluation before being allowed to continue their jobs.

3 months ago, Gunnery Sergeant Cole, Staff Sergeant Sawyer, and Sergeant Clarkes were taken into captivity after the rest of their unit were killed in an ambush. 3 months of hell on Earth, trying to find ways to get out, or get a message to someone, when another Unit found them and get them back to base.

Which is how they all ended up in the middle of the medical wing. Cole and Clarkes had contacted their family, while Ashley was toying with the idea of reaching out to her brother. 3 months put a lot of things into perspective for her.

“Fuck, Amelia was right” she grumbled, opening the computer in front of her, and began typing, her mind was all over the place, but one thing she knew she needed to do was to apologize for her actions and anything she did to cause pain.

At least if she reached out she could say she did, she didn’t expect a response, but she had played her conversation with Amelia over and over in her mind, forcing herself to survive to get home, promising herself to try and fix things.

“What are you doing over there Sawyer?” Cole asked

“Writing.”

“To who?”

“My brother” she responded, never looking away from a screen, continuing to type away at the incoming disaster. She could hear shuffling towards her.

“No mention of family in your file,” Cole said, looking at her, watching as her hands moved across the keyboard, hearing a thump, they watched as their medic walked into a wall and burst into giggles.

“Yeah well, there wasn't any point in mentioning him Gunny” Ashley responded, “Remember how I said I joined because a family member was hurt?”, stopping to look up at her superior.

Cole nodded. “Yeah, what are you gonna tell me a tragic backstory?” he asked, laughing at the thought.

“Brother was blown up in 2005, maybe 6 can’t remember, but I was 16. Left the hospital and found out what I needed and joined 2008, he’s Navy, Navy SEALs to be exact” she muttered, resuming her typing.

“Ah, so the baddest of badasses. Gotcha” Cole smirked, as she shook her head. “Maybe you’ll take me up on that offer of drinks and dinner.”

“No. You’ve been trying for what? 8-9 years to get me to go out with you, not happening, I don’t date. Focus on the job and that's it.” Ashley said, hitting send

“You need a life outside of work, and you realize it's about 5 am over there?” Cole frowned

“Well, I doubt he will read it anyway.”

Ashley, settled down, sleeping for a few hours. She was woken up by a nurse to check her wounds, she read over what she sent. “WHY DID NOBODY STOP ME,” she shouted.

Cole laughed “You were pretty determined.”

“I started it off with ‘Sorry to disappoint but I'm very much alive Mark!’” Ashley said gesturing to the screen

“I mean, humor.”

She didn’t see the message saying that her email had been opened.

The email:

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Surprise Bitch I lived. (plz open this)

Hey T. or do I start this with Dear Trent Sawyer or Petty Officer Sawyer?

Sorry to disappoint, I'm very much ALIVE. I can hear you now ‘That's not something to joke about Ashley’, yeah I know, just makes it easier. You probably don’t want me calling you T. so I won’t. I'm currently out in Baghdad, with another month of deployment left, then off to another base stateside. Not much going on out here, got me thinking about something someone said, over the past few months, and it ate away at me. I hate when people are right. Amelia was right, that I should have done this ages ago.

(As I am writing this, I just watched Craig walk into a wall, he’s on some good pain meds, our medic is high as a kite. Giggling like a child now.)

Let me begin with, I’m sorry for what I did in 2012, it was a stupid fight, I shouldn’t have said the things I did, I am sorry, I regret it, have done everyday, always expecting a call from Mom saying I was to attend your funeral, that thought terrifies me (Always had, especially after your injury).

I’m not expecting you to respond. Pretend this never came in for all I care, but I need you to know this.

Look the things I said to you Trent was uncalled for, there were times earlier on that I wanted to contact you, but I knew I’d either end up with your wife snapping at me for reaching out or radio silence from you, then mom told me you guys split and I didn’t reach out because, well, I thought I’d just make the wound worse, no point in doing that, don't go pouring salt into an open wound right?

(Can you believe my damn Gunny is still tryna get me to go out on a date with him? I made it clear for the past 8-9 years the answer is No. I’m thinking about punching him.)

Guess I don’t need to worry about you as much anymore if you got people, always say that family doesn’t end in blood, those who help you will be there for you. I caused you a shitload of hassle growing up, then with the fight. Sorry about that. Don’t think I’ll ever stop being sorry about that. Sorry about any hurt I caused, it wasn’t fair on you at all.

God this is a mess, ha, I’m sorry, you're reading this mess. I didn’t plan this properly, and it’s probably super early for you as well, sorry… I was on base about May time? In Virginia, saw you, avoided you, didn’t want to cause any fights. I mean, Bravo is a tight unit; one word from Hayes, or your CO and it’d be my career on the line for even picking a fight or posing as a threat to a member of your weird little family there (Please get your CO some time off, he looks like he's about to have a nervous breakdown). It was easier to keep in the shadows.

You look like you're doing well, like you got the people in your life that care and worry for you, so that was good to well see and hear, which means I don’t gotta keep an eye out for trouble you get into. Looks like you're dating again as well, she seems nice (Let her know she was right, honestly, I am not happy about her being right.). You seem super happy which is good to see.

Perhaps we could meet up when I’m back in about 2 months, I got to do a month in San Diego before going back home to Virginia. (For context for why I’ll be out in San Diego, the unit was ambushed, 3 months ago, there were 3 of us to survive, we got found yesterday, which puts life into perspective. Got psych evals and physical evals to do after healing. I fought, they don’t like fighters, man, they hate ‘em.)

We could grab a drink and catch up, or uh… just check on each other once a month. I’m not looking for you to want to, you know, repair our messed up as hell relationship or reconnect. I know that ship sailed a year after we never contacted each other, again my fault. I'm sorry about it, sorry about all the pain caused.

Who the hell am I kidding? I’ll send this and never get a response, you can’t fix something that is so broken. Remember what dad would tell us, “if it's unrepairable leave it”, that's what I did to our relationship. I miss having my brother in my life, miss being able to talk to you. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day.

Just look after yourself Trent, don’t let anyone take your happiness away, fight always to get back to your family, to mom, your friends, your girlfriend. Fight always to get back to them.

Don’t ever give up ok? You fight to get back no matter what. (You don’t break that promise you made me: to fight to come back to your family)

Look after yourself Big Bro.

Ashley.

(I’m gonna punch my Gunny now.)

#Seal Team Fic #B4writes #discord friends #seal team series #Trent Sawyer #OCs and things #Seal Team #ao3 series #oc: ashley sawyer #oc: amelia carter

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makeste · 5 years

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BnHA Chapter 209: Proud Dads, Determined Rivals, and a Prison Interlude

Previously on BnHA: Team BakuJirouSatouSero scored a flawless 4-0 victory against Team TokaBondoAwaKama. Here’s how it went down: (1) Bakugou protected Jirou and everyone watching was like “holy shit did Bakugou just protect Jirou??” and his classmates were like “YES THAT JUST HAPPENED”; (2) Awase welded Bakugou to some columns with his quirk; (3) Satou used his own quirk to smash Bakugou free; (4) Jirou stunned Awase with her quirk and Sero tied him up; (5) Bakugou blasted Bondo and Satou restrained him afterward; (6) everyone watching was like “SO BAKUGOU DOES TEAMWORK NOW?!” and again his classmates were like “YES”; (7) Bakugou flung Kamakiri into a wall, which looked like it hurt, sorry Kamakiri; (8) we learned that Bakugou had given some extra grenades to his teammates and they’d used them to blow up a bunch of Tokage’s amputated body parts, forcing her to regenerate and use up her stamina; and finally, (9) the depleted Tokage flew right into Bakugou and he took her out with a (Point-Blank) Stun Grenade attack. Basically it was just Bakugou is Awesome: The Chapter. If I didn’t know any better I’d think I had fantasized this whole fucking thing you guys. THAT’S MY BOYYYY.

Today on BnHA: Aizawa gives his team a thumbs up and Kaminari is all “WOW KACCHAN YOU REALLY CAN BE NOT-A-JERK IF YOU TRY HUH” and All Might is all “chills, Young Bakugou. LITERAL CHILLS” and that last bit makes Bakugou get all shy and embarrassed and it’s super fucking cute. Then he bumps into Deku and Deku is all “wow that was awesome” and Bakugou is all “you can’t beat me” and Deku is all “nah I can” and it goes on like this for a page and then Bakugou leaves and then All Might is all “I ship it.” Over on class B’s side, Monoma and his team begin to strategize for their upcoming battle. Everyone agrees that their first priority should be to take out Deku because You Just Don’t Fuck With Deku. The 5th set begins, and it’s honestly too many names to squish together, I’m gonna be real with y’all, but anyway so Deku’s side also has Mina, Ochako, and Mineta though. And their plan is to have Deku be a decoy and draw out Team B’s most troublesome members (i.e. Shinsou). As things get started, All Might gets a call from Gran Torino. We then cut to Tartarus of all places, where Prisoner #1541, better known as All for One, is squirming around and making the guards nervous. Turns out AFO is excited because apparently he can “hear his little brother’s voice.” Um. Okay.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my mostly-unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’m caught up with the manga now at chapter 224, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

haHA!

THAT’S HOW WE DOOOOOOOOOO

oh man. that was such a rush. how could anyone possibly not enjoy that. I think even Aizawa was probably pumping his fist a couple of times and then trying to play it off like he didn’t care lol

poor Vlad King

I wonder how this will change people’s strategies going up against Bakugou in the future. the kid whose own classmates once worried that he wouldn’t accept being rescued even when his life was literally on the line just pulled off some of the smoothest fucking teamwork I’ve ever seen. I mean that shit was seamless. and “cooperation” was this kid’s one and only weak stat before; moving forward it’s getting harder and harder to imagine how anyone could possibly beat him

and lest I not give the others the credit they deserve, they were outstanding as well. Satou with the clutch save and then later helping to apprehend Bondo! Sero who made expert use of his quirk to get the others in position and to capture Awase! and then being the one to figure out Tokage’s weakness and exploit it! and last but most definitely not least my girl Jirou, who kept the others advised of class B’s movements throughout and was the one to actually KO Awase before Sero tied him up!

basically they all did so gooood. even Aizawa can’t possibly find anything to chew them out for can he? lol I’m so proud of my babies

HAHA!!

HE GAVE THEM A THUMBS UP! HE’S ALMOST SMILING! OH MY GOD THAT MEANS THEY DID AMAZING. AND HE EVEN FOUND A WAY TO WORK IN SOME EXTRA COMPLIMENTS FOR PROBLEM CHILD #2 OVER THERE. AWW

meanwhile poor Vlad can’t find much to say either because let’s be real there’s no way his kids were ever gonna win that one

“based on past data” wow you guys I wonder if I’m ever going to stop being over the moon about this lol

but I mean, that’s exactly why I’m so psyched! it’s that slow burn character development! this was done so, so painstakingly, and little by little all the groundwork was put in until we finally reached the payoff. and that’s why it’s so satisfying. it’s because this is the side of Bakugou that I’ve been waiting for from the very start. this is him finally achieving the potential he has always had. it took so much patience and it was so, so worth it. so yeah. fuck it. I’m gonna keep being giddy about it

poor Tokage is apologizing to her teammates and she looks really worn out and I feel bad :( poor girl

but Awase is all “if someone with moves like his turns into a ‘goody two-shoes’, they have no holes to exploit” and oh my god lol. that’s what I’m saying, though. lol everyone is so fucked now :DDDD “well fuck us, if Bakugou’s not even going to be an asshole anymore then we might as well roll over and die now”

OH MY GOD

NEW FAVORITE PANEL ALERT

LET’S ANALYZE EVERYTHING!!! LET’S FUCKING DO IT!!

“KACCHAN” IS ALIVE AND WELL, I SEE!

BUT RIGHT AWAY HE COMPLIMENTS JIROU AS WELL BECAUSE KAMINARI IS HERE DOING HIS PART IN THIS THE YEAR TWENTY BI-TEEN

WELL DUH, SHE’S A HERO KAMINARI!!!

“A DELINQUENT PICKING UP A BUNCH OF STRAY CATS” SDFLAKSDFKJL WHAT AN AMAZING SIMILE. SERO YOU CAN COME SIT BY ME

and last but not least, there isn’t so much as a blink in regards to the “Kacchan.” this seriously is going to be his new hero name. this has gone from “I sure would love it if...” to “I’m actually starting to become increasingly sure of this” to “I would put solid money on it and would be amazed at this point if it doesn’t end up happening.” honestly I just want it to happen already lol

(ETA: yeah I might lose that bet lol. I still would love this because Parallels, but those Ground Zero feels from 223 have me rethinking my entire life ngl. btw that turned out to be “ground zero” spelled out in katakana though, not 爆心地/bakushinchi, so who knows. still kinda up in the air here.)

-- oh my fucking god you guys!!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh ;______;

let’s analyze everything again omgggggg

look at Kacchan’s face. look at how he’s ignoring the others behind him entirely. his focus is entirely on All Might here. just waiting for his response. trying his best not to show how important it actually is to him

and All Might’s exceedingly proud face, and that praise. “CHILLS, YOUNG BAKUGOU. YOU GAVE ME FUCKING CHILLS” lmaoooo

AND THEN KACCHAN’S ULTIMATE TSUNDERE RESPONSE!!!

HE HAD TO TURN AWAY IMMEDIATELY SO THAT ALL MIGHT WOULDN’T SEE IF HE BLEW IT AND FUCKING BLUSHED OR SOMETHING

THE LEFT HAND MOVING UP TO HIS EAR! you’re telling me this kid, Bakugou fucking Katsuki, THE COCKIEST BOY WHO EVER LIVED, actually felt self-conscious to the point where he had to turn away and was all “whatever it’s not a big deal” and rubbing at his ear and avoiding eye contact with fucking everyone because he was so fucking happy that he made All Might proud, and no one can ever know!!!! QUICK, SAY SOMETHING COOL! “...YOU PROBABLY JUST CAUGHT A COLD OR SOMETHING.” NAILED IT!! SO SMOOTH KACCHAN

oh my god you guys this moment is seriously everything to me though. I’m so fucking happy for him. and he is so fucking cute jesus christ I want to pinch his adorable embarrassed cheeks ffff

OH HELLO

“REFLEX” I LOVE THAT THEY HAD TO CLARIFY IT. BECAUSE HE’S NOT THAT MEAN ANYMORE AND WE JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE PEOPLE KNOW

but he was so wrapped up in the praise he just got from his hero that when Deku startled him he got so flustered and he just automatically slipped back into what he knows. “nuuu leave me aloneeee.” HE’S NOT EVEN IN YOUR WAY THOUGH

SDFLKASHLDKFJ

PEOPLE OF THE WORLD, BNHA FUCKING DARES YOU NOT TO SHIP THESE IDIOTS. YEAH GO ON. JUST TRY IT

DSKAFDSHLFKHAWOIFHWOKFHSLK

lol unlike with All Might, Kacchan knows exactly how to respond to Deku’s praise by this point

but they’ve seriously come such a long way as well. look at how Katsuki’s response acknowledges Deku’s strength even as he keeps the rivalry alive and well. “you’ll never be able to catch up.” acknowledging Deku as the threat he is, the one who pushes him to keep improving

and then Deku’s confident response, slipping right into a rapport with him. no stammering or hesitation. just his own cocky little grin. he’s fucking living for this. being rivals with Kacchan! don’t mind him it’s just everything he ever wanted that’s all

lol so now Katsuki’s telling him to shut up and that he’ll never be able to surpass him!

and Deku’s all

I stan two (2) idiot rivalboys who are just starting to heal their relationship after so long and let me tell you guys it is an absolute and utter pleasure to see it go down and I am here for it and will be here for it as it continues to progress and as Katsuki continues to learn how to be Less Of A Jerk and make amends for his Past Bullshit and the two of them continue to establish this rivalry and then start to take their next steps toward the final stage, the endgame if you will, which is being partners who actually trust one another. oh my god. and I can’t fucking believe we’re finally within sight of that now though and oh my fucking god you guys

what are you thinking All Miiiiiiiight. I just explained to you all of my ten zillion thoughts on this so now you give me one of yours!

asldfkjalsfdjoi

OH SO YOU WERE SHIPPING THEM TOO HUH

ffffffff I’m telling you, every time he looks at the two of them together he sees their future selves, working together and trusting one another and relying on one another and together being the greatest heroes the world has ever known. All Might is the original BakuDeku shipper. he loves them so much and he’s so proud of them

and look at the word he uses there. friend. once again seeing through all of their fronting and other nonsense to the core of what they really are. and “friend” is not a word you could use to describe what Katsuki is to Izuku until very recently, but he’s absolutely right. we saw that earlier today when Katsuki saw them talking and came over and asked if anything had happened with OFA and then listened and reassured Izuku. that wasn’t rivalry, there -- that was care and concern (very brusquely offered but still). we are officially entering a whole new stage of this thing you guys, and fucking bring it on

also Deku’s face though. like, he was trying to keep that Rival Smirk in place, but look at the Actual Grin fighting to work its way out and him being so excited because it’s Kacchan and it’s what he’s wanted for so long ffff

ANYWAY. so we’re finally going to move on from the BakuDeku part of this chapter now though so say farewell

(ETA: oh my god this one section of this recap analyzing three fucking pages was longer than some of my other recaps in their entirety. sorry, guys; I see a pair of rivals and I lose all self control.)

All Might is adding “other than that potty mouth of his” which is Classic All Might, and meanwhile Shinsou is watching the two of them (All Might and Deku) with an indecipherable expression, oh my

anyway so now we turn to our other resident cocky blond

“not half bad” from Monoma in reference to Katsuki is like a fucking Michelin star holy shit

now Tokage is coming up to him dejected and apologizing and saying that it’s mathematically impossible for class B to win now

well that is true but they can still tie though. honestly I have no idea how this last fight will go now

wow Monoma

that accelerated from insightful to pompous so quickly I don’t think anyone even had time to strap themselves in

“everyone is a supporting character in someone else’s life, and the main character in their own” fucking what lmao

I mean, he’s not wrong though. unless you’re Deku. then you’re just The Main Character. surprise! a good way to tell if you’re actually the main character in everyone’s lives and not just your own is if you get attacked by villains in every single arc btw

so Kakashi Girl is asking what is Monoma’s plan anyway

did they not come up with one yet?? they had all that time! the most time out of anyone!

Shouda says they should adapt a strategy similar to Tokage’s team

sure, if you also want to get beat 4-0 in a record five minutes

so he says they should stick together and keep themselves concealed and that there are no merits in challenging the other team to hand-to-hand combat

whatever you say. I only know two of you guys’ quirks here. I personally would be looking to take advantage of the Monoma-borrows-Shinsou’s-quirk strategy to take them by surprise, which is only going to work once but damned if it won’t be really fun to watch though

absolutely. he’s the Bakugou of their team, for sure. but if you thought Kacchan’s team had good teamwork, you ain’t seen nothing yet though

and also don’t forget that my girl Uraraka “gon’ fuck your shit UP” Ochako is also on this team! anyone wants to underestimate her, it’s at their own risk

apparently class B has been doing their research and keeping up with the times, because they’re aware that Deku’s style has come a long long way from the days of the sports festival. they even know about his new long-distance attacks! wow

also they describe him as “Bakugou’s equal or maybe even greater” in terms of both mobility and power, which is excellent. this series keeps giving me what I want

so Shinsou agrees that they need to take out Deku first “no matter the cost.” but he’s bringing up the fact that Deku is able to escape from his brainwashing

oooooh

ehhhh but I kinda feel like that’s a waste of the potential that Monoma-with-Shinsou’s-quirk has, and I don’t get how doubling down would do anything other than just make things more complicated. and also, won’t Deku’s team be on the lookout for Shinsou’s quirk now? idk just seems like a lot of things that could go wrong here. this fight is going to be so interesting

Monoma looks thoughtful and says that it’s possible “things won’t go as planned for me either”

but he says that either way they need to stop Deku from roaming free or they have no chance. “I’m counting on you, Shinsou”

so now the teachers are gathered and saying that this is the last round, which we already know. “I wonder how Shinsou will fare?”

I know Aizawa is actually way more invested in this than he’s letting on, so I’m officially rooting for class B here despite my best boy and best girl Izuku and Ochako being on the class A team. sorry guys. but I just want your new brother to do well so he can be accepted into your class and get to be your brother full time!

I highly doubt that they will! so now we’ll see whether or not he can adapt!

oh shit I forgot Mineta was on this team. hey team B I’m giving you guys a freebie. you can just come pick him up now

anyway so on their side they are of course worried the most about Shinsou. though Ochako’s reminding them that they should be worried about everyone!

lol that started out as what seemed to be a pep talk, but then turned into more of a “there’s actually way more ways we could lose than just that!” type of thing lmao

and what is this now

did you guys spend all your time practicing this instead of coming up with some actual strategies. we fucking know what you can do you boobs

lmaoooooo

what are you talking about!? honestly you could probably combine your quirks and still pull out a win even without Deku if you tried. Mina what happened to all that creativity you were overflowing with during the Band AU arc??

(ETA: thankfully she’s still got it! lol watch your back Mineta)

and anyway, since you do have Deku though, this team is basically Bakugou’s Team 2.0. the possibilities are endless! you guys are so fucking versatile! stop getting down on yourselves! where is the leadership?? the last group only just showed everyone how much of a difference that shit makes. Deku where are you

oh there you are

would that really work? I know if it was me on team B and I saw Deku off on his own I’d be like “okay great, let’s stay as far the fuck away from him as possible and go after the others while they’re undefended”

oh apparently he told them all about his weird quirk mishap earlier because Mina’s asking him how he’s doing now

but he says he’s feeling fine, same as always

and he thinks that after watching the 4th set, they’ll be on their guard against him though. yeah exactly

Mineta’s asking if he’s going to be all right because they’re relying on him

oh y’all know I’m living for this calm heroic confidence

this right here. is exactly the type of hero I want Deku to be. oh my god I’m so fucking proud of my boys in this arc, though

SHUT UP MINETA

STEADFAST DEKU IS THE BEST DEKU. GO GET YOURSELF CAPTURED BY SHINSOU ALREADY IF YOU’RE GONNA BE LIKE THAT

so now Deku’s flexing his hand and he says nothing feels off

sdlfkhalsdkflj

“after he lit a fire under me like that” oh my god. and this is why their rivalry is my favorite fucking part of the series. just look at how they push each other. Kacchan just gave the performance of a lifetime after reluctantly learning the true meaning of Christmas from the boy he formerly thought of as a pebble in his shoe. and now Deku is here calmly telling everyone they’re definitely going to win, and thinking determined thoughts after getting all fired up after that talk with his best friend. CAN I CALL THEM THAT YET? NO? I’M BEING TOLD I JUMPED THE GUN EXTREMELY BY A WHOLE LOT? ARE YOU SURE? OKAY SORRY I JUST GOT EXCITED MY BAD. BUT GIVE IT A LITTLE MORE TIME THOUGH?

anyways so Vlad is all “BEGIN!” and there are two big panels of the teams getting all set to go!

oh shit and now All Might’s phone is ringing unexpectedly

lol @ Midnight telling him to shut that thing off. All Might that’s so rude

oh shit it’s Gran! that was fast. oh my god now they can talk about Deku’s weird quirk bullshit yessssssssss

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ISN’T THIS TARTARUS?!?!

ASDFKLHLKJL

jesus christ. if you have upwards of 1500 extremely dangerous high security prisoners, then maybe just maybe you might want to go ahead and refer to them by their fucking names just for simplicity’s sake. “which one is 1541 again?” like is it good or bad that he moved? these are circumstances where even a split second of having to go through your mental filing system to recall who’s who might end up being disastrous if things go wrong

anyways don’t mind me, just nitpicking really stupid things instead of getting on with the story. okay so who is that. is it AFO??

so the guard is mumbling that it would be nice if they could hurry up with “the decision and execution” of 1541’s sentence. “at this rate we won’t be able to last”

wow. so it must be AFO, right? if they’re just letting him move around all the time, they really are screwed. what, were those gun turrets just for show? he’ll be out of there in a blink of an eye once he finally feels like it

and now we’re cutting to the cells and I’m preeeeetty sure this is AFO talking with Stain here

Chaplin sounds like some redpill prick if you ask me

also I’m not quite sure but did they just confirm that Chaplin is Gigantomachia’s true identity?

I just went and checked JBox’s translation and they made it seem like Giganto is Chaplin’s subordinate. which can’t be right because we know he’s AFO’s. serves me right for trying to verify something with JBox. I’ll just check Caleb Cook’s twitter after this and see what his thoughts are

-- wait hold up. now it looks like the guards talking. maybe JBox was right after all

(ETA: okay I wasn’t able to check Viz’s version to verify, but I think this is actually the guards talking and the correct translation should be “he’s his direct subordinate,” with him being All for One. the original Japanese line was “直系の部下だ” which basically means “he is [their] direct subordinate” without actually clarifying whose subordinate they are, so it’s a bit confusing when you don’t know who’s talking. anyways!!)

anyway so they’re saying that AFO has tons of other followers still in hiding and that it’s not just the league. and that they have to be careful not to provoke them

eh, I’d say it’s worth the risk. these other villains ain’t shit compared to AFO and we all know it. but if you leave him alive, and he gets out and regains his strength and retakes his place at the head of them all, then we’re talking about an all-out war potentially

which is actually where I’m thinking the series might be headed though. at least for the final arc. so I guess we’ll see

um whoa

seriously?? you too?? oh shit what the hell is even going on

anyways so that’s the end. oh my god. the series is getting so good again. it’s actually been really good since the Endeavorhawks arc honestly. like we’re almost back at full steam again. big things are coming, we’re heading toward another huge arc, I can feel it, and I can’t wait

#bnha #boku no hero academia #bakugou katsuki #all might #midoriya izuku #monoma neito #shinsou hitoshi #uraraka ochako #ashido mina #all for one #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #makeste reads bnha #posting this a bit early since I'm heading off to a game of thrones viewing party #part one of april's two-part double whammy of screwing with all my emotions and killing off all the characters I love #part two will of course be avengers: endgame at the end of the month #bnha you had better not go killing anyone off anytime soon bc right now you're the only thing I can rely on now #winter is here kids #gonna be a wild ride

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searchforthescars · 6 years

Text

Litany - Ch. 11/12

Y’all owe @bombshellsandbluebells for editing this and y’all owe both Megan and @maskingtapepoetree for talking me out of deleting this fic and my Ao3 account when things were Bad for the past few months. They’re not Good yet, but they’re getting better.

Thank you to @commanderanya, @daisytachi, @doortotomorrow and everyone else that took the time to reach out to me when I was struggling. I’m really bad at asking for, and accepting help, but know the sentiment was not lost on me and is both humbling and appreciated <3

If you’re still around, I’d love to hear what you think of this. If not, don’t worry.

Also on Ao3

You see, I take the parts that I remember and stitch them back together to make a creature that will do what I say or love me back. I’m not really sure why I do it, but in this version you are not feeding yourself to a bad man against a black sky prickled with small lights.

Murphy would like to pretend he’s not spiraling, but unfortunately, that isn’t much of an option right now.

Raven is noticing. So is Monty, though he doesn’t say anything, and so is Octavia, which means Bellamy knows. Luna figures it out soon after, and, because Lexa isn’t an idiot, she realizes too. Jasper and Emori are the only two in their group of friends - save for Zeke, who doesn’t know any better, and Costia, who stays out of it - who have no idea.

He likes it that way, if he’s honest. He doesn’t have the energy to explain that the thrill of Emori’s return has worn off, and with that disappearance has come the old familiar fears that he will be alone forever, that no one will ever really want him, that it will always be better to be alone then to have another person leave. That fear only intensifies every time Emori inserts herself into Raven’s conversations, joins Monty and Jasper on the quest to steal his kitchen knives, studies with Octavia and Lexa. She’s a perfect puzzle piece, and he’s a jagged piece of glass trying to fit.

Somehow, despite his downward trajectory, he manages to pass all his finals, and the whole house celebrates that no one failed out of college with a raucous night of drinking and terrible movies. For once, Murphy doesn’t participate in the former, although he does sit through the latter.

“You don’t want any?” Emori asks during a break between movies, taking a tiny sip of the ungodly alcoholic concoction Jasper made for her. The Christmas lights Raven put up the morning after Thanksgiving sparkle in her eyes.

Murphy shakes his head. “I’m good.”

Emori puts her cup down on the coffee table and inspects the contents. “Maybe I should take a page from your book,” she says. “This doesn’t look totally safe.”

“It probably isn’t,” Murphy says. He tries for a casual tone, but it falls flat. Worry flits through Emori’s eyes. Let it go, he pleads with her silently, but he knows better, knows that she won’t drop something as small as a shift in his tone.

Sure enough, she stands up. “Let’s go outside,” she says, catching his hand as she steps past him and tugging him out the door.

There’s a thin layer of frost on the concrete blocks that serve as Raven’s back patio. Murphy scuffs his shoes on the pavement, disrupting the delicate pattern of crystals. Emori wraps her arms around her torso - a gesture that means she’s cold, insecure or both, Murphy’s come to realize - and looks up at him. “What’s wrong, John?”

He expects her confrontation to be accusing, not soft, and he’s so taken aback by the care in her eyes that he forgets to answer for a moment. There’s still time to back out, he tells himself. There’s still time to repair the cracks in his own psyche without dragging her down with him.

When he answers her, it’s with a feeble, “Nothing.”

Emori scoffs a little. “Bullshit.”

“What do you want me to say?” He’s not angry. He just sounds like it. He doesn’t really feel much these days.

He pictures her standing in the kitchen with Raven, laughing with Monty and Harper, cautiously allowing Bellamy and Echo to help her move the furniture in her room so her bed is against the window. She invited him into every one of those spaces, but something always held him back. Something always keeps him from what he wants. Raven would say it’s himself. He would argue it’s his own failures as a human being.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Emori says. Her eyes plead with him.

The closer you get to the others, the farther you’ll get from me, is what he wants to say. “I’m thinking it’s cold as balls out here,” is what he actually says.

Emori scoffs again, this time with frustration. “Ever since I came back, you’ve been-” She starts a little bit, looks him up and down with a quick flick of her eyes. “Is it me? Did I do something to-”

Murphy cuts her off because he loves her, even as he knows he’s losing her. “No. It’s not you.”

She nods, squares her shoulders as if to steady herself. “Then what?”

Of course she won’t let it go. “Just fucking let it go already,” he snaps, and Emori recoils as if he’s struck her. “Go back inside to your friends.” He spits the last word.

“They’re your friends too.” She says it defiantly, stepping closer so they’re almost literally nose-to-nose. “What’s going on with you, John?”

“You know what,” he says, because what the hell, he’s numb anyway, and he’s not even drunk. How much could this hurt? “Maybe it is you. Maybe I’m just pissed off that you came back and just...just took over, like everything is fine.”

Emori looks stung. Murphy knows he should care, but all he can concentrate on is how, for the first time in months, he feels something. “John, what-”

“You can’t take everything away,” he tells her. He’s not drunk, but he feels like he is. He’s hot, then cold, and the whole world is tilting on its axis. “You can’t take over me and Raven and the house and-”

“You’re jealous.” Her statement makes him stop cold. There are tears sparkling in her eyes. “You’re jealous.”

“Damn right. Everyone likes you, and you left. I don’t even have that, and I’ve been here the whole time.”

Emori’s mouth snaps shut. She turns on her heel and stalks inside. In the time it takes for him to catch his breath, a cold wave of fear that has nothing to do with the weather washes over him.

“Shit!” he shouts into the darkness before bursting back through the kitchen door.

“She went upstairs,” Raven says from the living room. Murphy wastes no time in following her. “J, what-?”

He ignores her. He takes the stairs two at a time, nearly tripping over the top stair, and all but careens down the hall and into her bedroom.

The door is open. Emori’s standing in the middle of her room, her hands over her face, her shoulders trembling. From where he’s standing, it looks like she’s sinking her teeth into one of the smaller fingers of her left hand.

“Hey,” he whispers, or tries to. His voice sounds like gravel. “Emori. Stop. Don’t do that.”

“What the hell do you care?” she snarls, turning to him. One of her fingers has teeth marks in it. Murphy sees them when her hand falls to her side. “Get out, John.”

“Emori-”

“NO!” She shouts, actually screams, and Murphy hears the entire house fall silent at once. Costia’s barely-there footsteps on the stairs, followed by Raven’s laborious ones, don’t deter him from meeting Emori’s eyes. “Get OUT!”

She takes a step toward him and, automatically, he flinches. “Emori, why-”

“You don’t get to say that to me!” she hisses. Her voice is livid, but her hands are trembling. “You don’t get to stand there and tell me that I deserve how you’re treating me just because I’m making a home for myself and you’re still punishing yourself for things you can’t let go.”

“That’s not-”

She shakes her head. “Yes. It is. Think, John. You know that’s why.” She scoffs. “You’re just like him. Neither of you really want me to have this.”

“Have what?” All of a sudden, Murphy remembers her standing in a park, flinching as her brother tells her she’ll never have a future. The memory stabs him in the gut. “Oh.”

“Yeah,” Emori whispers. “Oh.”

They regard one another for a long moment. Murphy can hear the rustle of Costia’s skirt and Raven’s uneven breathing. They’re both standing in the doorway, he guesses, or at least, waiting on the other side of it.

“Get right with yourself,” Emori says finally. Her voice cracks. “Then come back to me.”

She turns away. It feels like a door is slamming shut. He wants to rewind time and undo what he said on the patio, but that won’t heal the wound that’s been festering in him far longer than he’d care to admit.

He leaves the room. He goes into his own and lets the tears stinging his eyes fall.

He has a choice. The choice is simple, but the emotions they evoke are not. He can either burrow into his inadequacy or he can allow Emori, Raven and whatever forces exist outside of him to pull him kicking and screaming into the right side of humanity.

“You’re an idiot,” Octavia succinctly informs him as he makes breakfast twelve mornings after his fight with Emori.

Case in point.

Raven throws a spatula at her from across the kitchen, nearly hitting Murphy in the side of the head in the process. “What?” Octavia protests. “He is!”

“This is bigger than Emori,” Luna says sagely from the armchair in the living room. Murphy turns to glare at her over his shoulder. “Isn’t it?”

“I’m not incriminating myself,” Murphy says drily, swiveling on his bar stool to face Raven, who’s raising an eyebrow at him. “What?”

“It is, though,” she murmurs. Octavia is across the room now, so only he can hear her. Briefly, his mind flashes back to high school, when he and Raven would mouth words through one of their kitchen windows, silently asking if the other one was okay, or if they needed rescuing from their mother.

Murphy’s eyes flit to the window over the kitchen sink. The cinder block he used to stand on in middle school is long gone, but he swears he can see echoes of his face, aging over time, always worried about his best friend, always wondering if this would be the night she starved to death.

“Why do you still live here?” he asks suddenly, seeking a distraction, and also truthful answers. “After all the shit your mom put you through here, why didn’t you just offload the house?”

Raven looks taken-aback. “It wasn’t worth it,” she says after a moment. “There’s a bedroom on the first floor, the place was paid for, and it was near college and town. I didn’t want to leave. Plus,” she gestures around the room, “you guys.”

“Even after…” Murphy trails off, the implication of her mother’s death hanging there like a weighted curtain.

Raven sighs. “Yeah.” She shrugs. “Mom isn’t here anymore. I do what I want.”

Murphy can’t fathom that kind of actualization. If the tables were turned and he was still at his parents’ house, he thinks he would’ve burned the whole place down.

He hears a tiny creak on the stairs and turns just in time to see a piece of Emori’s green jacket disappear into the shadows. He wants to follow her. His hands ache for her. He balls them into fists, studies the calendar on the fridge, the one that announced her impending arrival what feels like months ago, just for something to do.

Then, he sees it. Emori Moves Out. There, three weeks away, right before the start of the semester, written innocuously in small red letters.

“What the hell?” he asks, then says it louder when he can’t hear himself over the blood rushing in his ears. “What the hell, Raven?”

“What?” She seems confused, a little irritated, until she follows his gaze. “Oh.”

“You weren’t going to tell me?” Murphy sounds stung, petulant even.

Raven’s eyes are sad when she looks at him. “It wasn’t mine to tell.”

When Murphy knocks on Emori’s door, he doesn’t expect her to answer. When she does, he’s surprised to feel his mouth go dry.

“You’re moving out,” is all he says after a moment of her staring at him, eyebrow raised, waiting for whatever he thought was important enough to say.

It dawns on him that she probably isn’t hoping for an apology. That hurts him more than anything.

“Yes,” she answers, softly. “I don’t think I should be here anymore.”

She moves to close the door. Murphy reaches for her wrist before she can. “Please,” he whispers, eyes stinging, heart aching. “Please don’t go.”

Her eyes widen. She stares at the place where they touch when she says, “Why? All I do is take everything away, apparently.”

Her voice holds equal parts venom and exhaustion. Murphy doesn’t let go of her arm. “I’m sorry,” he says softly. A tear falls over his cheek and lands on his arm. “I shouldn’t have said any of that.”

“No,” she murmurs, looking up at him. Just like the first time they met, he’s trapped by her eyes. “You shouldn’t have.”

“Can I convince you to stay?”

She sighs. “No. But you can show me why I should.”

He tries. He puts away the paralysis and comfort that accompany his self-destructive desires, and he tries. For her, because he doesn’t want her to leave, he tries.

He forces himself into a routine. Wake up at eight, do housework and help Raven, cook lunch, read a little, watch a movie with Octavia, help Bellamy with dinner. The surprise on Emori’s face when she realizes he’s in a practiced habit of doing things, of playing nice and working hard, is worth it.

“That’s not why you should be doing this,” Luna informs him on Christmas Eve morning. She slept over last night, or so Murphy thinks - he can’t keep straight who Raven’s fucking, and it doesn’t really matter as long as they don’t cheat like that fucker Finn - and she looks more comfortable sipping from his chipped blue coffee mug than he ever did. “You should be doing this for you.”

“You and your masters in psychology can shove it,” he grumbles, even as he spoons scrambled eggs onto three plates and hands one to Luna. “Reyes! Breakfast!”

Raven appears in the kitchen with a clatter and a litany of curses. Her brace strap is caught on a metal rivet. Before Murphy can divest himself of the plates, Emori appears at Raven’s side, speeding down from the stairs and skidding into the kitchen on sock feet.

“I got it,” Emori grunts, disentangling Raven and patting her on the back. “You’re good.”

“Thanks,” Raven sighs, shoving hair out of her face. “I probably could go without it but-“

“No!” Luna, Murphy and Emori all say in unison. Luna laughs shortly. Murphy and Emori exchange awkward glances.

“What?” Raven is either genuinely oblivious or a damn good actress. “Listen, I fell that one time.”

“And you broke half the plates in the kitchen!” Octavia exclaims, sweeping into the kitchen with her arms full of laundry. “We’re still using Bellamy’s.”

“I asked for a new plate set for Christmas,” Raven grumbles to Octavia’s back. As Octavia loads the washing machine, Raven reaches above her to grab a laundry basket from the shelf and thrust it into Octava’s line of sight. “Use this.”

Octavia swats her hand away. “Is this what adulting has come to?” she asks dramatically. “Asking for practical things as gifts? When did we get so boring?”

“Speak for yourself,” Raven says magnanimously. “I am full of adventure and surprises.”

Murphy snorts, as any best friend would, but his mind and eyes are on Emori, on the way her eyes sparkle with amusement as she looks from Raven to Octavia and back again. The subtle shifts of time have been kind to her; the shadows under her eyes are lighter and the glimmer in them is brighter. Her smiles - the best thing about her, in his opinion - no longer hold sadness behind their bared teeth.

“When are we getting our Christmas tree?” Monty asks, breaking Murphy out of his thoughts.

“Are we getting one?” Raven asks, confused. Octavia crosses the kitchen to the cupboards and grabs her mug. Luna, probably sensing the conversation no longer applies to her, reaches for her bag and starts reading a textbook. Emori picks at a scab on her arm. Monty just blinks, confused. “Hello?”

“Gee, Reyes, I don’t know,” Murphy says finally. “Would you like to get a Christmas tree?”

“I want a Christmas tree,” Emori says softly.

Murphy, Octavia and Monty go get a Christmas tree.

“How did you say we do this again?” Octavia shouts in the general direction of her phone. Only her legs stick out from under the tree they’re attempting to set up in Raven’s living room. The sight would be comical, Murphy thinks, except for the fact that he’s not looking much better; he’s covered in pine needles and sap, and his arm hurts from bracing the tree that none of them can figure out how to set in the base.

“Are you sure it’s in all the way?” Bellamy’s tinny voice asks from Octavia’s phone speakers.

“No!” Octavia yells. “That’s why we called you!”

Murphy cracks a smile at the sigh Bellamy heaves. “I’m going to be there in two minutes. Hold on.”

Octavia extracts herself from the tree and brushes pine needles from her hair. Murphy makes a big show of switching the tree’s weight from one arm to the other. Octavia rolls her eyes. “Better make it a minute,” she says into the phone. “Murphy’s holding up the tree until we can screw it into the base. You know he can’t handle more than five pounds.”

“Hey!” Murphy protests as Bellamy laughs. Octavia relieves him of his tree-holding duties and Murphy escapes upstairs to his room before the younger Blake can convince him to help her a second time. The first time was a rookie mistake

He’s at a loss for what to do in his spare time. His old habit of knocking on Emori’s door tugs at his hands, but he pulls away after a moment of staring at the worn brown wood like a pining idiot. Instead, he goes into his own room - leaving the door open in a moment that lacks his usual paranoia - and flings his closet door open.

“What are you doing?” he hears Emori ask him as he rifles through the mounds of papers, clothes and books shoved into the dark corners of the closet.

“Looking for something,” he responds, trying to keep his heart from leaping out of his chest at the sound of Emori’s voice. It’s low, a little cautious, but not angry. He’ll take it. “What’s up?

“You bought me a tree.” It’s a statement, said with carefulness and a little bit of wonder.

Murphy extricates himself, rocks back on his heels, and looks at her. “Well, it’s for everyone but… yeah. Of course we did.”

She frowns. “That’s not an ‘of course’,” she says.

“It is for us.”

After a moment, Murphy looks behind him. The item he seeks is in plain view, for once. “Aha,” he mutters, pulling the heavy cookbook from the shadows.

Emori frowns again. “A cookbook?”

“My dad’s,” Murphy says, touching the stained, worn cover. “All the best recipes are in here. He changed a lot of them. I don’t really go by the book anymore; just his handwriting.”

Emori holds out her bigger hand and lets him take it to hoist himself to his feet. When she moves to pull her hand away, he holds it a little tighter. “You’re not covering it up.”

She shakes her head. “I… I wanted to try it.”

Murphy gives it a gentle squeeze, feeling a deep sort of affection surge through him at the feeling of her tough skin against his. “I’m proud of you.” The words grate on his throat. He hopes she hears the I’m trying underneath.

It’s not his place to say. He thinks about it after the fact and feels relieved when she doesn’t punch him for it.

“Thanks,” is all she says, with a soft smile. Then she tilts her head to look over his shoulder. “Your closet is a mess.”

Murphy looks back at it, at the piles of books and papers spilling out and the mess of dirty laundry on his floor. “Yeah,” he says with a short laugh. “I guess you could say that.”

“I am saying that.” Emori steps around him and kneels down in front of the open doors. “Do you need these?” she asks, scooping up a pile of papers.

“You don’t have to-”

She cuts him off with a wave of her hand. “We don’t have anything better to do. Now come on; do you need these or not?”

Murphy sits beside her and together they sort through his mess, one dirty article of clothing and wrecked piece of paper at a time. Emori finds an old photo album that used to belong to Murphy’s mother and flips through it, smiling at Murphy’s first birthday picture and touching his parents’ wedding photo with the fused fingers of her left hand.

“Your mom looks beautiful,” she murmurs, tracing the fall of the wedding veil with a careful hand. “They look happy.”

Murphy pointedly avoids looking at the picture. “They were,” he says gruffly, clearing his throat. His eyes flit to the cookbook on the floor near his foot. “For a while, anyway.”

“What happened?” Emori asks softly. “I mean, if you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to.”

Murphy shakes his head. This isn’t a piece of him he cares about, not like his abandonment issues and his valleys and mountains. This is the way life was. “He died. He had bad lungs, I guess. Caught the flu from me, but he didn’t get better. He got worse and he died. Mom blamed me, started drinking and died from that.”

It sounds callous, but he thinks he’ll lose his mind if he goes too far back to those times. Ontari had come onto the scene about three months before his mother died. She got him out of the house and the few times when she was kind were good enough for him. Looking back, he was probably just grateful that no one was hitting him. When she made him do something much more damaging, he didn’t mind; he owed her, he reasoned. He owed her for making her put up with him.

Emori frowns softly. “I’m still sorry.”

Murphy shrugs. “At least, when they were both alive, they loved me. And each other.”

Emori nods and goes back to the photo album. Murphy knows better than to believe she’s let the subject drop. She’ll think about it and come back minutes, hours or even days later with another thought, a strange observation, some perspective he never even entertained. It’s who she is.

He loves that about her.

Emori sets the book aside without another comment and goes back to the closet. She pulls out two shirts - both of them wrinkled and stiff - and scrunches up her nose. “John! It’s like you’re in high school!”

Murphy rolls his eyes at her, then yelps when she throws the, admittedly, very dirty laundry at him. “Hey!”

“Get a clothes hamper!” She laughs when he tries to fling a shirt back at her, but only succeeds in smacking himself in the face with it. “I lived on the street for three years, and even I know a hamper is a better solution than this!”

Murphy decides not to touch on the whole “living-on-the-street” thing. Instead, he reaches for the laundry basket of clothes he still hasn’t folded, dumps the clean clothes on the floor and throws his dirty shirts inside. “Happy?”

Emori eyes the clean clothes on the floor, then blinks at him. “You haven’t folded your laundry either?”

“Good behavior comes in small portions,” Murphy snarks, a little bit of truth coloring the frail joke. Emori merely hums and scoots over to start folding his socks.

Is it a little weird to see the girl you possibly love folding your underwear? Yeah. But Murphy doesn’t mind, not when the faint sunlight from the window dances over her hand and she sees him watching. She gives him a tiny smile and rolls his socks into neat balls.

They sit like that for a while in comfortable silence until his closet is organized and his clothes are put away, and then Bellamy breaks the quiet by shouting a litany of curses as what is presumably the tree creaks and crashes its way to the floor.

Murphy and Emori laugh the whole way downstairs, and laugh even harder as Bellamy lays there, on the floor, arms sticking out from either side of a mass of pine needles.

Eventually Bellamy rights the tree. Raven gripes endlessly about the fact that Jasper and Monty’s roomba (“We’re not calling it Stabby!”) was better than a regular vacuum at getting the pine needles out of the carpet, and Lexa and Octavia appear mere seconds after the cleanup ends with arms full of wrapped presents.

“Have you been hiding those this whole time?” Bellamy asks, scratching the back of his neck. When Octavia nods cheerfully, he rolls his eyes. “Of course you have.”

“Can Costia come over to open presents with us?” Lexa asks. When Raven gives her a thumbs-up, Lexa whacks Bellamy on the back. “You should come and bring your hot girlfriend.”

“You have a hot girlfriend too,” Bellamy points out, the wry twist of his mouth emphasizing how awkward it is for him to say the phrase. Murphy is sure he finds it objectifying. “But if Raven doesn’t mind…”

“Everyone can bring someone for all I care,” Raven says casually. “If they can fit, they can sit.”

“Like a cat,” Monty says from the kitchen. Raven doesn’t dignify that with a response.

Murphy looks over at Emori, who’s holding a tiny glass ornament in her hands, presumably plucked from one of the boxes on the couch, which are full of Christmas decorations from Raven’s attic. It’s a small crystal ornament, heavy and solid, with beautiful etchings and a tiny red ribbon to hang it by. Murphy thinks it was a gift from Raven’s grandparents to her mother. Oh well. No love lost there, clearly.

Emori tucks it back in the box after a minute. When she turns her back, Murphy pulls it out of the box and casually crosses over to the dining room table, where Emori’s jacket is draped over a chair. He reaches for it, then remembers he’s trying to do better.

Raven is sitting on a stool in the kitchen, going through his cookbook. “Your dad has surprisingly neat handwriting,” she tells him when he approaches her, the crystal cool in his hands.

Murphy holds up the ornament. “Can I give this to her?” he asks Raven in a low voice.

Raven cocks an eyebrow at him. “Why?”

“She likes it.”

Raven’s eyes shift. They go hard, then questioning, then soft. “Sure.” She shrugs. “Mom never really liked it anyway.”

Murphy tucks it into Emori’s jacket pocket. The pride in Raven’s eyes is unmistakable. For the first time in a long while, he lets himself be proud too.

#litany fic #memori #dailymemori #bombshellsandbluebells #daisytachi #sarcasticdebate #maskingtapepoetree #slytherinandreski #i think that's everyone idk

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ghostmartyr · 5 years

Text

Pokémon Black 2 Randomized Nuzlocke Run [Part 7]

It is time for badge number seven.

Lesgo.

Vertex (Luxray)

Caspet (Gengar)

Nessy (Milotic)

Diego (Gardevoir)

Photon (Rayquaza)

Cerberus (Dodrio)

Squad goals.

Why won’t Unova Gyms ever just let me leave?

And apparently I’m not going through Twist Mountain? I’m getting a lift on a plane?

If that’s the case, that’s happening later. I think I’m going to get Cerberus up to level 40 in the sad death tower before I do anything else. I don’t want to have members of my team lagging consistently. You will all be useful. I will make it happen.

Also, something I haven’t mentioned yet (...I think, it’s been a while to get this far) is that Pokemon Breeders in this gen seem to be available to fight every single time you enter that route. Not like you can fight them if you want. After beating them, if you leave and go back to the route, they will do the exclamation point thing.

This is annoying.

Route 7, also known as that place before the sad death tower, has one.

It is not irritating enough to conjure up hate for. And yet.

Flash forward into the future a bit later, and we have a team where everyone’s above or at 40 except for... Photon. Photon, my friend, we’re just gonna slap the Exp. Share on you and continue with the plot. Your legendary status means me stacking the deck with levels is less important.

I can’t believe this place has a purpose in this game. Or that I get to fly in a plane (I assume, my memory on the sequel games is even worse than my memory for Black and White starting out). There’s something weird about using a plane to get around in a Pokemon game. Doesn’t feel natural.

Oh well, too bad so sad.

...Lentimas Town.

I have no memory of this place.

Hey, Bianca’s coming with us! Yay!

I really have no memory of this place, but there’s some Fire pokemon in Reversal Mountain, apparently, and also Professor Juniper reminds everyone that Black and White happened, so it makes no sense for Team Plasma to be trying to wake up a dragon; they’re all accounted for after all.

My exploits from last game mattered, you guys. They really did happen.

No, but I’m easy to please. Any time the games reference games that happened in the past for the current game, I am made a happy camper. Us and N catching a legendary dragon each is a good thing to keep in continuity.

I’m starting to maybe remember this place... maybe?

I guess we don’t stay here long, so time to not really care. I do continue to like how the setting is not an exact copy of the previous games, though. There’s a lot of repetition that comes from this being a sequel, but everything’s been thought out well enough that it really does feel like a new journey.

Now see, my question is if there’s a cave to this Reversal Mountain, and is it marked with a different title. I’m catching something very soon, but do I have the option of picking between outside Reversal Mountain and inside, or do I... perchance... get both?

It’s probably just one and I should just march into the grass.

I don’t wanna.

Ah, but it looks like I have to step through grass anyway. But there is the option of dark grass vs. normal grass.

I am too battle-weary and scarred. Normal grass.

!!!! A Normal pokemon for the normal grass! Hi Miltank! Let us be the best of friends and not roll each other into death. Photon’s the best bet for not accidentally killing the little lady (I did not check this with numbers and have no plans to).

Only while I was typing, Miltank used Bide, and I missed that, so Nessy with her excellent HP had to go out and deal with the consequences of Photon’s one attack. Nessy and Twister are taking Miltank down at a safe rate. She’s in the orange, so throwing time.

While she’s using Rollout.

Of course.

Hey, first ball! We’re Pokemon Going over here!

Her name is Bessy. Because it is.

But whoops, I need to head back to the Pokemon Center for a hot second and get her out of the Graves box. You’re not dead yet, darling.

Dark grass has Luxio.

It also leads to a strange house instead of fun cave time.

See, right there in the title. Can has pokemon?

Coool. Want to join my gang?

Nessy and Twister seem to be an okay catching combo. Let’s see if we can get it working twice in a row.

Damn it, Nessy. Your first one left him in the green. The green. Sigh.

Farewell, unnamed shark friend.

(he woulda been bruce)

Ahoy random Gigalith in the upstairs of the house with the moving furniture I can’t cap because these are stills. Sadly I’m not in the mood to deal with Sturdy, so I’m going to run from those instead of harvesting them.

Awww, there’s a Castform downstairs. Plus a Spell Tag.

Then the furniture moves and clears up a doorway. Behind which is a trainer.

I feel like a lot of the NPCs we meet in these games have very hard lives. Hello Sentret in the middle of the room. Are you keeping this one company?

Ludicolo is in the front room.

Caspet learns Dark Pulse. Bye-bye, Night Shade.

Waaaaaait. Wait. Aren’t you the ghost girl from the bridge in the last games? I remember you! Is this where you get something to do instead of just being odd? Note that it doesn’t count if it’s an event thing that needs a code or internet or special event items!

She’s looking for her parents.

And her Abra.

....Then a wild Abra shows up.

Is that scripted, or did the Randomizer just give me an amazing gift?

Weepinbell back downstairs.

I go through another door, and get a Full Heal for my trouble. With added wild Octillery. Fuck you, Octillery. You are banned from all my runs forever.

Ooooo wild Haxorus. Look at all these things I can’t have. Downstairs has a stray Riolu. The trouble I go through for a... Dusk Stone. Yeah, okay, that’s nice to have. Toxicroak is also here.

Then back upstairs, suddenly Gible. What’s this place usually supposed to have?

The second floor’s chairs have moved, so I go through one of the upstairs doors. Another trainer room. Yay. With a Mr. Mime. Yay.

I’m really sorry about your life/undeath, NPC Ghost Girl.

Oh, neat. Lunar Wing.

I have no memory of which legendary that belongs to. I want to guess Cresselia, but I don’t know if it’s even in this game. I do know it’s a gen four legendary, which would make sense for the sidequest feel of this house.

Oh wait it doesn’t matter because Randomized Nuzlocke.

...Well fine, but I’d still like to know.

That makes me feel surprisingly sad.

One last door to check out. Empty but for Golett (want) and a Rare Candy. Time to leave.

Back outside there’s an Exeggcute I wouldn’t have wanted. The normal grass has Whismur.

There was a cave after all. Ugh. I can’t believe this counts as the same route as outside. Cave and grass should get to be different.

Heeey! Bianca! Wait, before we team up and I abuse your healing for exp, I need to check the other side of the cave.

Oh. The other side of the cave has a Max Repel and that’s it. Back to Bianca, I guess. And she’s psyched for Heatran, which is a very relatable feel.

Zoroark and Tangrowth for the first encounter of the cave. I say, pretending it matters. Stoutland can also be found here. Knowing their propensity for knowing Crunch, I think maybe something not Caspet can be in the front. Photon, gain your own exp for a change.

Crawdaunt is another feature. It’s a dark, Dark cave.

I was checking to see if Cerberus can learn Acrobatics. No, but he can learn Fly. You know, that classic Dodrio usage. Fly. Which he is absolutely learning.

Aww, a wild Togepi. It’s gone now.

I love getting to wander with someone who handles the healing. It’s so nice battling without stress. Also known as grinding without needing to use up items.

Haa. See, normally you’d be right, but.

Huh. There’s a Magikarp and a Weedle through a different passage. Neat. You will not be missed. Then we come across a bizarrely gen-appropriate pair of Tympole.

Can Triple Battles not be a thing? I don’t care for them. They make me worry. Arguably I could help myself by arranging my team so I would have a good comp for whenever I fell into one, but where would the fun in that sane choice be.

Dust clouds come with Munchlax. Neato.

We’re in a legendary’s nest. They’re all like this.

...Why can you find Luxray and Ninjask here???

Ditto for Steelix and Porygon. Yay for Randomizer randomizing every single room of an area. It’s cool, but in the larger places it can be really disorienting. A male Nidoran also says hello.

I don’t know where to find the Magma Stone to get Heatran, so we’re done with Reversal Mountain, I believe. Geez I hope that’s the name of this place. I’m too lazy to check at the moment.

I have escaped!

And found a Shiny Stone. Win.

I didn’t recognize this place, then I remembered. Water. Bay. Post-game trauma. They messed with the map to keep things interesting.

What.

My curiosity is piqued.

But I want to get something random in the waves before I investigate.

Um.

Well this is awkward.

Level 39.

Photon should not be out front for this. Nessy?

Okay. Nessy gets Regice in the red. Regice knows Curse and Ancient Power. I do have a Master Ball. I can’t deny that I’m seriously tempted by it, but we’re going to try doing this like a standard trainer first.

Net Ball doesn’t work because of course it doesn’t (I just wanted to use it because Surfing), and Regice knows Superpower. Ah yes, the Regis and their. Stuff. First Ultra Ball doesn’t get anywhere. Same for second. Icy Wind is Regice’s last move.

My team has no Fire or Fighting on it. I miss having those options.

Have I been able to buy Timer Balls anywhere? Those would be nice to have right about now, as my Ultra Ball supply dwindles.

I am out of Ultra Balls.

Look, Pokemon Go legendary catching can be rough. You only get so many balls, and even if you do everything perfectly, it still might run on you.

But you don’t end up spending twenty minutes trying to catch one thing.

Seconds after I type that:

Heeeeeyo.

What do I name it, though?

Refrigerator.

That doesn’t fit.

Refriger8r.

Okay, so I have to stock up on Ultra Balls, and possibly also healing options depending on my mood when I look at the prices. Then we go see what Undella Bay and Route 14 have to offer.

The Undella Pokemon Center only has Luxury and Dive Balls. :(

My beloved Timer. Where...?

And then I bought 50 Ultra Balls.

I’m going to sell some stuff.

Okay Bay, what do you have for me?

Yeah, I can make this work.

Assuming I don’t accidentally kill it.

Thank goodness for Nessy still knowing Twister. Gottem.

His name is now Zentrotta. I think we can agree he’d be happier if I hadn’t caught him. Tragedy at its finest.

Caspet is back up front, and for now Nessy will carry the Exp. Share. She’s not had much to go up against, so she’s lagging a tad.

Aw, there’s a little Deerling on the water. Aaand it’s gone.

Hello what is this.

Indeed.

...I have questions I can’t really make myself care about enough to type.

So this guy only moves if we beat him, and before we get the chance to beat him we have to pass some game-acknowledged strength test. I probably need another badge or something. But there’s enough ground to walk back and forth, so what have you got for me, Seaside Cave?

Cool beans.

Nessy, come help not kill it.

Yay, caught.

His name is Blimperton now. Welcome to the box.

Outside, the deep water spots can be Venomoth. How pleasant.

Jelli to you too, good sir.

Huh, okay, they just give you a random Jellicent encounter here.

Game. I was just trying to speed along to the Pokemon Center. Please.

Unfezant down, Simisage down, Vertex can be in for Samurott. Level 41, so I’m. not as overleveled as I usually am except for Caspet. Caspet has reached 47 and I don’t mind her being completely overpowered.

For an update, since I think I’m pretty bad about keeping track of their levels in this: Caspet is 47, Nessy is 43, Vertex is 43, Diego is 44, Photon is 45, Cerberus is 43. Everyone is healthy and alive.

Geez I hate Triple Battles. Random trainers don’t share my feelings. This is an annoyance.

ROTATION BATTLES AREN’T THAT MUCH BETTER, OTHER RANDOM TRAINER. STOP THINKING YOU’RE SPECIAL JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE AN ACE OR A COOL OR WHATEVER THE HECK YOUR TITLE IS I DIDN’T READ IT.

And I can’t continue down through Route 14 because there’s a block of people in the way. So I guess all that’s left to do is check out what the sequel to this route has in store for me.

Last game it did not have anything I wanted.

But this time...!

Eh. I’ll catch you I guess.

Her name’s Tux now.

Meanwhile, in the dark grass...

Yep.

Wormadam, too. Such grass. Much excite.

Off up to Route 13.

New route means yet another new pokemon. ...After we fight a bunch of trainers because I care more about levels than pokemon I’m hoping to never use at the moment.

Several minutes later, the only other trainers are through grass, so let’s go!

Eyo. I don’t think I’ve had you before.

Cerberus, are you up for helping?

Well, one hit almost took half your health. So let’s say no.

Nessy!

...You know, given the amount of damage it’s doing. I think I’m going to Surf and risk fainting before it kills Nessy. Aaand... yeah. Mienshao out.

This grass also has Sandile. And Cascoon.

Nothing I have knows Cut. Languish there for all days.

That Ranger wants a Triple Battle.

Why is this route like this.

Hey, a Heatran! Bianca, guess what!

Oh so you don’t need Cut. Meh. I’m not in the mood.

Professor Juniper and Bianca say hello in town. Bianca, walk about twenty steps to the right so you can find something neat. You’ll love it, promise.

But no, it’s time to listen to an old lady talk about the Giant Chasm. I don’t wanna do that, either. I want my badges. I maybe should have taken the aquarium route to speed that along, but I don’t know if that would actually do anything.

Wait, I was spamming A. Was there a directive in there?

Hm. I sense plot ahead.

This villain understands me.

Oh cool battle time.

Russell, buddy, you run almost as much as blondie scarf from gen 4. Take a chill pill. You have won all the good big brother points you possibly could just by caring about a Purrloin this long.

So everything’s telling us to go to Opelucid. For Dragons.

Hard pass, where’s the surfer Gym? Water sounds way friendlier. I’m going to see if that one’s blocked off or not.

DAMN IT.

The janitor won’t let us pass. ;-;

Okay fine, I guess we’re heading to Opelucid. And plot, probably. The plot is of no interest to me. This is true in pretty much every single one of these games. I’m in it for the pokemon. The human with their human troubles are way less fun.

New route! What will it have for us?

I had to embrace fun when I saw one of the grass patches shaking. Our first route with a wiggly grass option! And it is...?

I’ll gladly take it!

...If I can catch it!

...Preferably without anyone dying!

I’m going to let Photon take a stab. Crunch should be super effective, but Photon doesn’t have STAB adding to it, and Metagross has rocking Defense. So this might be pathetically sad, but nothing should die.

PHOTON.

FRIEND.

NOT FOOD.

Three Ultra Balls in, I am sad.

But we get it! Huzzah!

Its name is Stormy. :)

Ouch, Caspet’s trying to learn Destiny Bond.

Caspet?

You’re not dying. This is the definition of a useless move.

What else does this here grass hold when it’s not wiggling?

ELEKID. Noooo. Why must we always pass like ships in the night... Claydol is also here.

The dark grass’ first entry is Jynx and Magikarp. Chingling is also here. Buizel too.

Cerberus has learned Drill Peck! Oh happy days!

Normal grass has Vaporeon, Huntail, and Spinda to go with what we’ve already seen.

Vertex is moving up front, and Diego is getting the Exp. Share instead of Cerberus for the time being.

Another bridge, another route.

Another set of trainers that really make me want to have a Fire type.

There’s dark grass on one side of the bridge, normal grass on the other. A pass through on my bike didn’t get anything to pop out of the dark grass, so normal grass wins the prize for this route’s catch.

Before that, there are trainer battles.

Of the Triple variety.

yay

Ooooooh. I like this. I like this a lot.

Vertex, do not murder.

Vertex follows instructions, paralyzes Vileplume, and dodges getting poisoned twice. This is why he’s allowed to live. One Ultra Ball later, and new friend acquired.

Named... Bongo.

Geez, this grass also has Mamoswine. We’re not fighting that. The water’s dark spots get Zebstrika.

Uh.

So she shoves me out.

Rude. I’m the protagonist. I go where I want.

I’m starting to rush a little since this part is getting long and I haven’t even hit the badge town, but hey! I do remember this sequence! I remembered it belonging to a different game, but A for effort, right?

Made it to Opelucid.

Since the game itself suggests via Iris to go to Route 9 first, I’m guessing I should clear up anywhere that offers trainers to fight before trying the Gym. Dragon is a pain anyway. I don’t have anything except Nessy’s Twister that’s super effective against it. I think even at the level I’m at, it should be okay, but I also think it could go incredibly badly, which I don’t want.

But before that, Route 11 didn’t force me to go through any grass, so I still have a pokemon to catch there. Let’s watch.

Huh, interesting. ...Vertex, let’s swap you out before something unfortunate happens. Though it is level 36, and he does know Crunch... Yeah, we’re going to be stupid. Magnitude 7 doesn’t do a threatening amount of damage. Yay.

She is caught, and her name shall be Winn.

Now the other side of Opelucid, after healing up.

Miltank! But we have a Miltank. Next.

I like.

Vertex. Critical hits are for trainer battles. Sigh. Farewell, Route 9. I think we could have been great together, but alas. Now to go through all the everything else to do in this route and then go finally get the seventh badge.

Hm. I think maybe I’ll just get everyone on the team up to 50, then go for it. Nice, even number.

Other things of note: I have found a Mart with Quick Balls. The world is bright. But for now, grinding. ...Against Torchic and Deerling, apparently. Maybe I want other grass. Oh, but dude. Glaceon in the dark grass. Nice. Ha, randomized and still offering super effective options outside scary gyms. Golduck and Nidorina are here, too. And Braviary and Pansage.

-winds the clock forward a few hours-

K, we’ve got folks at level 50 now. So, Drayden?

Dragons.

Cerberus is going to sit in first for a while. He’s on the fragile side, but his Attack and Speed are good, and Flying should be neutral to everything in the Gym. Same cloth as Caspet, only physical. Nessy might take over just for the comfort of tankiness, but this is where we start.

First person in the Gym has one level 46 Fraxure.

Dragons are scary.

Oh fuck you.

Fuck. That’s partially on me. If I had used Drill Peck instead of Fly, Fraxure would have been busy Dragon Dancing and would have done zero damage. But I used Fly to try to hit Fraxure hard while avoiding any of its attacks, and.

Look, the screencap’s right there.

Fuck.

Nessy’s going in, under the theory that nothing on my team is going before Dragon Dance x2 Fraxure, but Nessy’s the most likely option for surviving.

It uses Taunt so it doesn’t matter.

Great.

Cerberus, I like Dodrio. An Adamant Dodrio? Wonderful. You will be missed. Fly will be missed. Many things about this feel awful.

Bye.

Stormy is a Jolly Metagross that’s a little quick tempered.

Welcome. You’ll be given the Exp. Share while your new friends try very hard to make it through the rest of this Gym without casualties.

-drums fingers-

With Dragon Dance being a move everything in this Gym is probably going to know, I do not want to play the long game with any of the trainers. I want to go in and kill everything in one hit.

...Caspet is in front.

-hides eyes behind hands-

-gives Caspet a Spell Tag-

One trainer down as planned.

IIIIIII hate this gym.

Druddigon has Crunch. Things to keep in mind.

So now we have the most obnoxious part of this Gym. I get to choose between Rotation and Triple Battle for the next peg up it. My usual path says I do both. In case you haven’t noticed, I hate Triple Battles. Doing one is not high on my list of desired outcomes.

But I’d feel weird avoiding it. Famous last words. -sigh- Caspet, Vertex, Nessy. That’s the order. Let’s do this.

Easy part done. Rotation Battle win. Ugh.

For the sake of my sanity, I’m giving Caspet all three of my Rare Candy. Yes, I have a favorite, yes, it’s the closest thing I have to a starter. If I’m putting her so close to the chopping block, I’m going to make sure she’s fully equipped. Druddigons are surviving to attack her right now, and that’s no bueno.

Triple Battle. Weeee.

It ends in a round because Caspet wins at life. Awesome. Okay.

All that’s left is Drayden.

This guy’s face is a lot less scary when it isn’t up close.

Sooooooo. Level 46 Druddigon is first. Shadow Ball finishes it. Flygon is next. ...That one, I think I can trust to Nessy. Flygon isn’t as much about hard hits.

Level 46 again. Crunch gets a critical hit that just barely keeps Nessy in the green, Nessy uses Surf. Surf brings Flygon to a sliver of red, so I go with Surf again. Hopefully Flygon’s other moves don’t do more damage than a critical hit Crunch, or Drayden feels like healing it.

Yeah, Drayden goes with a Hyper Potion.

...Flygon’s next Crunch gets a critical hit too, what the hell.

Surf after that faints it, though. So that’s two out of three down.

Drayden’s last pokemon is Haxorus. Nessy’s too far in the red to keep in without healing, and Haxorus is high on the Dragon Dance strat list. But if Caspet can’t get it in one hit, I’m pretty confident in Haxorus’ ability to fuck Caspet up.

But I’m honestly pretty confident in Haxorus’ ability to fuck my entire team up. Caspet would be the best bet for ending it fast. ...So, you know. Caspet. Go. Go. not die.

Level 48 Haxorus. Yaaaaaaaaaaay.

CASPET YOU BEAUTIFUL GHOST.

THAT’S BADGE SEVEN.

WE’RE NOT ALL ALIVE BUT ENOUGH OF US ARE.

AND I WAS PREWARNED ABOUT GETTING TALKED TO OUTSIDE ABOUT UNOVA’S MYTHOLOGY, BUT FOR NOW THIS PART IS OVER, THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.

#Pokemon #Nuzlocke Challenge #Nuzlocke

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kfdirector · 6 years

Text

Student Awareness of Nonstandard Danger Society

It was 3:54 in the afternoon, on September 27th, a Monday.

Tracey was the one with the headphones on, while the others were gathered in room 203 to hammer out the schedule for the upcoming week.

Potential drug deal. Indecent exposure in the park. Someone taking Chinese food orders for the rest of the department. And then, something a bit complex for the memorized code numbers.

She looked up. “Um, hey, everyone?” She had their attention. “They’re talking about some kind of disturbance at a shopping center, um, the one just down the road actually, people saying either a bear or an alligator on the loose.”

Mario gave her an odd look. “Who could possibly - a bear or an alligator?”

Niewitzski rubbed his chin. “Throw in a giant lobster or maybe a praying mantis and put it all in a blender, that would be a - oh, crap! That’s where the van is!”

He started to push himself up, as Stella slammed the desk hard and nearly knocked him back. “Then we ride! Either to finally find our monster, or else just to protect our property!”

Niewitzski found his balance back, his ankle still a bit sore in his air cast but getting better all the time. “SANDS! It is go time!” With his foot nearly healed, he could get moving at a pretty good pace down the hallway -

“Hey! No running in the hall - Niewitzski?!”

“Sorry, Jibrail! An emergency!”

The vice-principal watched as the five students ran with him. He called after - “That involves all of them?”

“I’ll explain later!”

That was, to Niewitzski’s knowledge, a lie. He had no plan to explain how and why a schoolteacher, without prior arrangement with parents or faculty, would have five students join him in his car for an impromptu trip four miles down the road. He had barely more plan to deal with a monster eating people four miles down the road. He was going to focus on coming up with an answer for the latter.

Despite the poor power-to-weight ratio of his car, he could still squeeze a bit of speed out of it when he needed, or wanted - but of course the police would also be responding, so he could keep it down a bit. Say, to ninety-five miles an hour.

“SHINE, JESUS, SHINE!”

Stella had taken advantage of her shotgun call to change Niewitzski’s radio about a moment after he had turned the ignition. Given the speed and the crisis, he saw no advantage in potentially offending God or Stella by changing the channel back, so it stayed. He figured he was already inviting enough trouble by passing a patrol car - one with lights and sirens going - that was heading in the same direction.

Seeing an empty intersection coming up, he crossed the median, hit the curb on the far side, and rode straight up a small hill into an empty parking lot - someone without a death wish planning to follow him would take a while to do so. He spared a moment’s glance in the rear view mirror for his passengers. Mario, normally brown, was white. Craig, normally white, was clear. Joe was grinning like a loon. Stella was ranting. “Can’t this junkheap go any faster? Even on a teacher’s salary you should do better!”

Rubber burned, brakes squealed, and a third noise he couldn’t identify but knew was a bad noise, automotively speaking, was heard as he yanked the emergency brake, twisted the steering wheel, and brought the car spinning through the parking lot, spiraling toward Stella’s van.

Niewitzski’s cell phone, sitting in the drink holder, buzzed with a text message.

Joe picked it up. “Someone called Regina says ‘R U CRAZY’, question-mark exclamation-point frowny-face. Are you seeing someone other than Miss Early?”

His car came to a rest a yard from Stella’s van. She grabbed the keys and stepped out before it was at a full and complete stop.

“One, don’t think so; two, not sure if I’m really seeing her either; three, good news, that patrol car we passed was hers. We might still get away with this.” He thrust his hand to the back seat, Joe slapped his phone into it, and the rest of the gang piled out after Stella.

She had pulled open the back of the van and was attempting to identify things for the benefit of the others. “Tracey, Craig! You guys know how this stuff works, right?”

Tracey hesitated; Craig did not. “You betcha!”

“Great! Run this equipment! Do science! Joe, Mario, Coach!” Niewitzski shook his head. He didn’t want more than one of them calling him ‘coach’. “You guys know how weapons work, right?” Niewitzski shook his head harder, for other objections. “We’re underage, so I got melee weapons! Baseball bats, batons, axes, that sort of thing. Take your pick! Coach, take them if you want, if you’re gonna use a gun you have to bring your own. My dad wasn’t feeling that guilty.”

Niewitzski thought of the holster at his ankle not in an air cast, and thought maybe he could leave it there this time. He reached for a baton.

“Also! Coach! You need to bring the van in close to wherever the monster is, so the scanning equipment can all do the science close to it!”

“Yes, ma’am,” Niewitzski started to snark, as he opened the driver’s door of the van. He paused, a mournful look on his face. “...it’s a stick.”

“What?!” Stella cried out to the heavens in petty and ill-timed outrage. “All the greatest cars have manual transmissions! Superior control, classic styling!” “I drive the same car I’ve been driving since I was eighteen. Does that look like classic styling? And the greatest cars these days are electric with continuously variable - ”

“Philistine! Fine, I’ll drive! You ride shotgun, as my Responsible Adult!”

She could make the van move forward, which was more than Niewitzski could have managed, but each pump of the clutch was a roll of the dice. Stella muttered something obscene under her breath. “Okay, I’ll get this thing replaced before our next outing!”

“That’s fine, that’s - just, there! Over there!”

The reason for the invocation of bears or alligators was a bit more clear. It was big, it walked on two legs, it had scales. And the lack of ‘lobster’ or ‘praying mantis’ was similarly clear; this one didn’t look quite like the one he’d already fought. Its claws were elongated paws with unreasonably large nails, rather than pincers; it’s jaw was large, protruding, and very toothy. That the reports had been even that accurate was a surprise, Niewitzski thought - masses of panicking people were usually not great eyewitnesses. And the panic was appropriate, as the monster was currently lifting a subcompact car over its head.

Tracey and Craig stared at the monster through electronic eyes; Mario and Joe and Stella and Niewitzski through organic ones.

“Remember,” Stella said, pumping adrenalin clear in her voice, “scan every possible frequency and mode and - and whatever else the science back there does! No stone unturned!”

Mario glanced over at his senior. “Joe, I’m thinking - maybe the baseball bat feels a little inadequate.”

“Fire axes?”

“Definitely.”

Niewitzski leapt out of the van, and walked towards the monster, too psyched to even feel pain in his foot. He heard Joe and Mario following him, just a few steps behind.

“Hey!” he barked. “HEY! Tall, dark, and squamous!”

The monster had ears to hear, it seemed. It tossed the subcompact car away, and turned to face him.

“You think you can pull stuff like this? In my town? Hah! Forget it, bub!” He doubted it had even the slightest clue what he was saying. That was irrelevant: the banter was for his own morale, not its. “Hell, I took one of you on just the other day! He was bigger, nastier, had the advantage of ambush, and I still kicked his ass! Look at you: not even a weird-ass tentacle-tongue thing or pincer claws! And me, with the numbers this time!”

He let his baton hang from his wrist, dropped and drew his handgun. “I don’t know where you’re from, or why you’re here, but you’re starting something, and I’ve got a problem with that! Now, you can stand down and submit to the lawful authority of the State of Colorado, United States of America, or we can open up a whole can of jellied whoop-ass!”

“Fuck yeah, Coach!” “Language, Joe!”

The monster began to approach.

Niewitzski proceeded to call upon a technique learned from a few videos and practiced three or four times a few summers ago. Ordinarily, he reasoned, dangerous creatures of this size tended to take a very long time to die from blood loss. A bear, for instance, you could hit with an axe, and it would still find the chewy bits in your skull before it got around to dying. Shooting a wide hole through something, though, almost always helped: if it had a skin, that implied there were things inside it wanted to keep in, or things outside it wanted out, and either way, frustrating those plans by puncturing it was always the right answer!

That was his theory. He fired two rounds at the center mass, with the monster at ten yards away and getting closer. He then raised his gun slightly, and fired right between the eyes. Textbook Mozambique Drill, he assured himself.

Unfortunately, he realized with his ears ringing, there was a bit of a problem. ‘Right between the eyes’ turned out not to be quite where this thing kept its brain.

“Oh - nuts!” He looked for something else to shoot as it bore down on him, but Mario and Joe chose that moment to charge in from the sides, axes swinging wildly. Niewitzski dropped the gun and kicked it away, ducking down and coming up lashing with his baton, hoping he could at least hurt the thing without risking killing one of his own students.

Joe yelled, Mario screamed, and both of them brought their axes down in overhead chops - striking the monster, front and side. The beast’s jaw snapped, just missing Mario’s face, and it swung a huge clawed paw at Joe, hitting him square in the chest and knocking down, Joe’s axe still wedged in its side.

Niewitzski ran towards Joe, as Mario struggled to pull his own axe out of the monster’s scales. Mario jumped back before he had enough leverage, staggering as a lashing claw hit him in the side of the head, clutching his ear as blood flowed out.

The teacher interposed himself between the beast and Joe, eyes on the claw it was lifting in the air, mind frantically racing for a way to block its immense strength from -

Boom.

Most of the monster’s head had vanished in a spray. Apparently, somewhere in there had been the brain, because now the thing slumped to the ground, quivering slightly.

“You idiot motherfu-”

Jacob spun. “Regina?” His old friend, his very beautiful and very angry friend, the redhead who, he thought in a completely useless way, really did look good in a uniform - she didn’t break stride as she approached, clenching her pump action shotgun tightly.

“The hell were you thinking?”

“I, uh, well - ”

Untouched by the monster itself, he still would not come through the battle unscathed. He didn’t even see the butt of her gun coming, and in fact only observed it by interpolating from the fact that he was now laying on the ground with a massive headache. He did not get to lay directly on the ground for long, as she, perching over him, soon yanked his upper half up at an angle, bringing his face closer to hers as she yelled.

“You asshole!” she shouted, and then she kissed him on the lips. He blinked - wait, what? “You could have been killed!” She kissed him a second time. “They could have been killed!” He was almost paying enough attention to hope to be kissed a third time, but instead got punched in the face, his head jerking back just short of the asphalt. Somehow, he thought that seemed more fair. He tasted salt, and felt something loose in his mouth. Maybe a molar.

He offered a pained “ow” as the maximum amount of apology he could muster.

“Officer, officer!” he heard Joe shout.

Regina stood up, and having been supporting Jacob, let his head slam back onto the asphalt.

“The monster, it’s..."

He turned his head, she hers.

The monster wasn’t just dissolving, or evaporating - it was fading away. And then, it was gone.

#student awareness of nonstandard danger society

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transitverse · 3 years

Text

Eggshells: Chapter 2

WORDS: 2122 CHAPTERS: 2/9 CHARACTERS: Aubrey, Kaveh CONTENT WARNINGS: Blood, insensitive medical staff

Aubrey takes one for the team. Kaveh strikes a deal.

Soundtrack: Here’s Your Two Dollars - Sincere Engineer

Aubrey takes a bullet to her side during a scrap with a burglar one week later. It didn’t stop her from incapacitating the guy and keeping him pinned to the floor until backup arrived. In the whirlwind that followed, the last you saw of her was the on-call medics sedating her to get into the transport back to HQ.

You get called in two days later. Apparently she's asking for you.

She’s been getting progressively more hostile towards the medical staff and having panic attacks, the nurse explains, as he leads you to her room. She refused to speak to a psychologist, and this point, she’s stopped conversing in any meaningful way with anyone at all. The only thing they could get out of her was a request for you to visit.

The nurse shows you in and shuts the door, and then it's just you and Aubrey.

You weren’t prepared for just how sad she looks. She’s curled in on herself, all pale, with bags under her eyes. She looks like she’s been crying. She glances up at you as you enter, but says nothing.

"Hi." You force a little smile and tentatively circle around to the chair beside her bed, where you take a seat. "Good to see you’re still with us. How are you feeling?"

"Bad," she answers flatly, sniffing and all but confirming your suspicion of her crying. You almost don't know where to go next.

"They told me you've been having a rough time," you say, finally. "Is it something I can help with?"

She looks, not at you, but through you for a few moments. You wait patiently for her answer.

"What you said," she says, eventually. "About the support stuff."

"Yeah?"

"I think--I think I want that." She sniffs again and wipes at her face. "But I don’t know where I’m supposed to… go. How to do it."

"Okay. Well, one thing at a time. We can work on that when you're out of here. That said, if you need psych support, that’ll move a lot quicker if they give you a preliminary assessment in here."

"I don't want to speak to them."

"You'll have to, at some point."

"I know. But not right now. I don't want to speak to them while I'm here. I want to go home."

"Okay." She has her reasons. "Did they tell you when you can leave?"

"No. They kept touching me when I told them not to and then they tried to make me talk to the psychologist. I said I didn't want to, and they wouldn't leave me alone until I asked them to call you." Jesus Christ. Okay. You need to have some stern words with someone.

"Do you want me to find out when you can leave?" you offer, and she nods, sinking a little lower against the back of the bed and pulling the sheets up over herself. "Okay. I'll be back in a minute."

The second the door shuts behind you you let the veneer fall, grit your teeth and rake your hands down your face. You're pissed that they pushed her around like this. You're pissed that nobody who knows better has done anything about it. This shouldn't have happened.

You only have to walk about ten feet before you spot a nurse. "Hey," you call out, flagging them down with one hand. "You know this patient--Aubrey? Aubrey Still? Who's been looking after her? Because they all owe her an apology." You get the feeling from the nervous look on the elf's face that you're looking at one of those people right now. "Apparently she was being manhandled without consent. Is that true?"

"She was being aggressive--"

"Because people were ignoring her boundaries? Because the situation was triggering for her?" Maybe you weren’t here to see it, but you suspect you’re hitting the mark. "We should know better than that here. When is she going to be medically fit to leave?"

"Caring for her necessitates physical contact. If she would just speak to the psychologist--"

"Are you serious right now?"

"She needs to be seen. I'm not at liberty to discuss the intricacies of the matter, but her behaviour since she was admitted has been concerning. It warrants an assessment, for her own benefit."

"She got shot not even two days ago! This can't wait until she's recovered? Let her get back on her feet, and then we can worry about behaviour. When can she leave?"

It's at times like this your height really comes in handy, because the nurse looks distinctly unsettled as you loom over them.

"I'll--I'll ask the doctor to check on her as soon as possible."

"Thank you." Stepping away, you don't break eye contact until you cross the threshold back into Aubrey's room and the door puts a solid barrier between the two of you.

"Well," you say to Aubrey as you take up your position back in the chair, "I don't know when you're going to be able to leave, but they're going to send someone to check on you, so I guess we'll find out then." Her eyes widen and she ducks a little lower under the sheets. "They won't--They won't treat you like they did before. I promise. I spoke to someone about it. I'm sorry you had to go through that."

She looks at you like she doesn't know what to do with the apology you just handed her. Eventually, she emerges from underneath the blanket.

"Can you stay here?"

"While they check you?"

"Yeah."

"If you want me to." She nods quickly. "Okay. I'll stay. You know they’re going to have to touch you, though, right?”

She looks away, nods slowly, and falls silent again until the doctor arrives, flanked by the same guilty-looking nurse you accosted twenty minutes ago. All emotion evaporates from Aubrey’s face as the doctor looks her over, checks on the wound in her side. From where you're sitting, it looks sore, but it's clean and well-stitched and on questioning, Aubrey denies being in much pain. There's something about her in this state that's unsettling. Robotic, you would say, if it didn't feel like an inappropriate word choice. Like she's going through the motions of something she's forced herself through a hundred times before.

“Can we try taking some bloods again?” The doctor looks expectantly at Aubrey, who hesitates, but then nods, reluctantly unfastening the top of her gown to expose the veins near her shoulder, as the nurse busies themself preparing a syringe from the trolley they carted in along with them. “Okay. Just relax, this time. It’ll only take a few seconds.”

Aubrey barely flinches when the needle pierces the vein. It is over and done with in a matter of seconds, the tiny pinprick of blood that remains covered with a little blue band-aid, which in turn disappears back under her gown as she re-fastens it at the collar.

“Excellent. Okay. We’ll need to check in a couple more times over the next few days, but if everything’s coming back clean, and you’re still healing well, we can talk about discharging you then. You will need someone to help you out at home, though. You’re not going to be able to do anything strenuous. You probably won’t want to, either. You’re going to be sore for a while, even with painkillers. We’ll give you a full discharge plan closer to the time.”

"And the psychology assessment?" You narrow your eyes at the doctor as he glances over at you. "It can wait until she's recovered some, yes?"

"...We can postpone it, for now," he replies, looking just as uncomfortable under your gaze as the nurse did, and turning to address Aubrey again instead. "Someone might have to come and ask you one or two questions as part of your debrief, but we can discuss arranging the full assessment for some time after you've been discharged." Aubrey nods wordlessly. An awkward silence hangs in the air, finally broken when the doctor clears his throat.

“Well, we’ll get these bloods off to the lab, and with any luck, you’ll be out of here ASAP.” Aubrey nods, again, and watches as the nurse de-gloves and they and the doctor exit the room. As soon as the door clicks shut, Aubrey slumps back against the bed and sighs heavily, clenching and unclenching her fists as she stares up at the ceiling.

"Well," you say, "I think that went okay."

"Yeah." She nods slightly and closes her eyes. "I'm not going to be able to work for a while, am I?"

"Not until you pass the health exams, no."

"Did I fuck up?"

The question is so uncharacteristically transparent that it throws you off for a moment.

"Did you--What?"

"I was stupid and I let myself get shot, and now I’m gonna be stuck, doing nothing, just--being useless to everyone."

"Woah, woah, woah, slow down, there." You’re a fraction of a second from reaching out to take her hand before remembering her thing about being touched. "You didn't fuck up. It's okay. These things happen. We all have to be prepared for it.

"But I could have avoided it. I should have avoided it."

"Maybe, but that doesn't matter, now. We can't change what happened. You’ll learn from it, like we all do. There's no point beating yourself up about it, okay? Just rest up, and make sure you're at 100% before you come back." That... raises a question in your mind. "Are you--Do you live with anyone? You shouldn't strain yourself while you’re recovering."

"No."

You suck in a breath through your teeth. "Well, they might want to keep you here longer, then."

"No." Her eyes snap open and she sits up to look at you, a pained look flashing across her face briefly as she moves. "I'm not staying here. Don't let them keep me here. Please."

"Do you have any friends you could stay with?"

"No."

"Family?"

"No."

"Nobody that could stay with you? Nobody to help at all?"

"No."

“Then… you’re gonna have to stay.” You shrug helplessly. “They won’t let you go until you can look after yourself.”

“No. I’m not staying any longer than I have to.”

“Well, you’re gonna have to.”

“No. Please. There’s gotta be something--” She falters, there, tripping over the rest of whatever it is she wanted to say. You’re already flipping through a list of potential solutions in your head; unfortunately, they’re few and far between. There’s just one that stands out as the most viable.

You breathe in, hold it, and then exhale hard. You can’t believe you’re doing this. You really are your parents’ child.

"Okay. How about this: you can stay with me for a little while. Just until you’re good to go home on your own."

Aubrey’s expression changes immediately, though not quite in the way you’d expect; the fear is clouded over by suspicion.

"What's the catch?"

"No catch. I just want to make sure you're safe. It's either that, you stay here, or you go home alone and risk hurting yourself again. We already know option two is off the table, and I don't like option three. Neither will you, if you tear something and land yourself back in here."

She stares at you for a bit, like she's trying to figure out where the lie is or like she's waiting for you to drop the act. But she can't, and you don't, and eventually she falls back against the bed, defeated.

"Okay. Fine. As long as I can get some things from home first."

"Of course."

She looks down, fiddling with a lock of hair between her fingers, and then back up at you, after a few seconds.

"Can you come and see me again? While I'm still in here?"

"As long as I have time, sure." You nod firmly. “I’ll let you know. And if there’s anything you need, anything you want, just let me know. I’ll see what I can do.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Her eyes slip shut, and her whole body heaves with a deep sigh. "Look, I'm… tired. I'm gonna try and sleep for a bit."

"Should I go, if you want to sleep?" She nods, and you rise from the chair. "Okay. I'll see you later. You know how to get hold of me. Really, if anything comes up, if the doctors get shitty with you again, tell me. I'll come and talk to them."

"Okay," she murmurs. You shoot her one last look over your shoulder as you make for the door. You almost don't want to leave her; all of a sudden, you feel so very, very protective of her.

"I'll talk to you later, Aubrey."

#lost in transit #eggshells #side story #ongoing #aubrey #kaveh #blood cw

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nautilusopus · 7 years

Text

The Number I

Chapter 8: Cloud Has Another Longer Conversation

Between the really long conversations about life in general and the gratuitous violence and swearing and the out of sequence nonsense, I think I've pretty much turned into Quentin Tarantino by this point. All I need now is the foot fetish.

Alternate title for this chapter: Cloud Has No Fucking Life Skills And Would Probably Have Died By Now If It Weren't For Avalanche.

Thank you to @auncyen, @cateringisalie, @fury-brand, and @limbostratus for spotting all the times where I had someone get up from a chair four times without ever actually sitting back down in between. It's chairs all the way down.

Four years after meteor-fall and Cloud Strife still isn’t himself. The thing that haunts him comes always at the same time… and when it does, on a distant far-off world, a needle moves. Twisty AU. Contains graphic depictions of violence

There was an incessant scratching at the entrance of Seventh Heaven. It migrated to the windows, gradually increasing in volume, before going back to the front door. It wasn't until it was accompanied by an indignant, "Really!" that Cloud actually acknowledged the noise and allowed Nanaki inside.

"The back door was unlocked. You know that," said Cloud, who'd been sitting in the empty dining room in a booth and took his seat there again.

"And what's wrong with me going in the front door?" replied Nanaki, hopping up onto the table and allowing himself to sprawl out on it.

"The claw marks, mostly," said Cloud. "I'm gonna have to sand those out now."

"I thought you enjoyed fixing things."

"Sanding off claw marks isn't fixing things," said Cloud, but began giving him an ear scratch by way of a greeting anyway.

"How's your arm?" he asked, leisurely stretching out to allow Cloud better access to his neck.

"It's fine. Marlene thinks it's neat."

"You showed her?"

"She asked. She wanted to know if I was gonna get a prosthesis."

"Is she here now?"

Cloud nodded. "Yuffie's volunteered to keep her upstairs while we're... talking."

It was late afternoon, and the bar had been closed early due to "a family emergency". Said family emergency had been waiting for everyone to show up, his anxiety gradually mounting as more and more arrived. Jessie had been the first to arrive, and hadn't made eye contact with him as she walked past him and upstairs to visit Marlene. Cid had been next, having the easiest access to an airship and not being beholden to anyone in particular about it. Nanaki had arrived just now and had been receiving appreciative head pats for the last ten minutes. So that just left --

"Here she comes," said Nanaki as soon as they noticed the frantic footsteps and the panicked swearing outside, before the door was pulled open with just a bit too much force.

"You're alright?" asked Tifa, dumping her bag on the floor next to the table and hurrying over to him. From the way she had asked it the question seemed less a status update and more marvelling that he wasn't rolling on the floor frothing at the mouth.

"Yeah. Fine. Easy on the ribs," he said as she went in for a hug. As they pulled apart he noticed she looked about as bad as Barret had on the first night back from the hospital, the bags under her eyes prominent.

"Who's left?" she asked. Nanaki stretched himself and then hopped down off the table.

"You're the last one," he said. "I'll go gather the others." He slunk off to the back without another word, leaving them both alone together.

"...How was your trip?" asked Cloud eventually.

"Fine. Sort of cold, I guess."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I got to shoo off a dragon. Adolescent bull. Really cranky." She sat herself down in the booth across from him. "Reminded me of you."

Cloud rolled his eyes. "I'm not cranky."

"You're almost 100% crank. Barret says you're banned from Edge Medical now."

"Not a big deal. Yuffie's good at healing, and I'll take care of whatever she --" He paused. "Wait, he called you?"

"Yes. A few hours ago when I landed."

He frowned. "What else did he say?"

"That you weren't immediately dying and that I could come straight home instead of visiting you in the ICU," said Tifa. "You scared the shit out of me, Cloud, you can't just... call me and say something like that and hang up without explaining. I thought you might've..."

"Might've what?"

"...I don't know. Had a really bad episode. Maybe... maybe you might've hurt yourself."

"I wasn't going to -- is that what everyone thinks of me?" said Cloud, his voice rising in anger.

"We're worried about you!" she said, matching his tone. "We're worried about you, and we have every right to be! You said to come home, we all came home! You can't just turn around and try and brush off the fact that you called me up at three in the morning crying your eyes out now that we're actually here!"

Cloud took a deep breath and looked away uncomfortably. "...Is this about the stigma?" he sighed.

"Other way around. The stigma is about this. You can't just --"

"But I'm fine now, so what does it matter?!" His hands were gripping the table now, digging into the wood slightly. "Why can't it just be okay that I'm fine now?! Why can't you all just appreciate --"

"Don't none of y'all get the party started without us," came a voice from the doorway as Cid leaned against it with a wry look on his face. They turned to look at them, Cloud going a bit pink. "No, go ahead, don't mind us."

Cloud unclenched his hands from the table and picked a splinter out of his thumb. Tifa sat back down, having apparently stood up at some point without either one of them noticing.

Cid detached himself from the doorframe and took his place at a table, with everyone else sans Yuffie following behind him. Jessie sat the furthest away from the group and refused to look at Cloud. He suddenly felt very tired.

Nanaki hopped back up onto the table and gave him an insufferably smug look (at least, as smug as someone with a muzzle could look) upon seeing what Cloud had done to the table. Cloud made a face at him when he wasn't looking, and then turned back to Reeve, who cleared his throat and began to speak.

"Alright, everyone's here. As nice as it'd be for this to be a big family reunion for its own sake, this is... an emergency meeting for an issue that we're going to deal with now before it becomes too big. Cloud?"

Cloud took a moment to steel himself before getting to his feet. It had been years since he had played the part of leader. It should be easy enough.

You're not having a crisis, and they're not here because they have to deal with that crisis, he told himself. You're noticing warning signs, and they're here to help pinpoint what they mean. It's just another mission, and after this we're gonna find someone and kill them and that'll make it all stop.

In theory, anyway.

He relayed the whole story quickly and quietly, about the shadows in the morning, the bike crash, the roof... and eventually, under Cid's suspicious prodding, the kitchen, with Jessie. Everyone immediately turned to her. Jessie swallowed.

"You kept that a secret?" said Reeve incredulously. "Jessie, this is something we needed to know about."

"He didn't want you to know, and he asked, and it was his business, and I thought --" She had bent nearly double, rocking herself.

"It's not her fault," Cloud said quickly. "I shouldn't have asked that. I'm sorry."

"Why did you ask her that, Cloud?" said Tifa, peering closely at him. Cloud looked away and said nothing.

"...Whatever the case, it's something we have to deal with now." Reeve pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm gonna have to tell people about this."

"The WRO?" asked Cloud. Reeve shook his head.

"Higher than that. This is now a federal problem."

Cloud jumped to his feet. "What? Why?"

"If my understanding of the situation is correct, there's a sizeable risk that --"

"What he means is you're dangerous," said Cid, glaring at Reeve, who sighed heavily.

"...Alright, yeah, that's what I mean," he said resignedly. "Even if this isn't Jenova -- which I'm not convinced of -- you have lost control of your actions to an outside force four times so far, and we don't know any way to stop it. This time it was just a car accident. Next time we might not be so lucky."

"'Just' a car accident?" interjected Barret.

Reeve leveled his gaze at him. "Given the scale of what we know Cloud is capable of, yes. Just a car accident."

"I haven't --it hasn't made me attack anyone." The inside of Cloud's mouth was dry.

"Neither did Sephiroth. Not right away," said Nanaki, who was now sniffing him curiously. "Perhaps whatever this entity is is simply testing the waters."

Tifa spoke up again. "...Can you hear Jenova saying anything about this?" she suggested. Everyone turned to look at her now. "You can hear Her. Understand some of what She wants, right? As long as you have it under control, it's a resource, just like before."

Cid looked at her incredulously. "You're actually suggesting he --"

"She can't do anything to him. Not with all of us here." She looked at Cloud again. She looked incredibly nervous, but she kept talking anyway. "Do you think you could do it?"

He considered this for a moment. Jenova didn't have as much power over him as She once did, true, but the damage to his psyche had been done years ago, and he was potentially clay in Her hands if he wasn't careful.

"...I think I could, yeah."

"It's a lot to ask," she added. "You don't have to if you don't want to."

He shook his head. "I want to. I can handle Jenova better than I can handle... whatever-it-is."

Tifa nodded and placed a hand on his arm. "I'll spot you. Fifteen minutes and I'm gonna cut you off."

He sat back down and tried to pretend everyone wasn't staring intently at him, and that Barret's arm hadn't just shifted back into a gatling gun, and that Jessie hadn’t just shut down again. Deep breath in, deep breath out.

He barely had to reach for Her before She snagged him and pulled him away. It was dark here, but he knew that it was far from empty. A million million voices scratched at the fragile scrap of self he had left. He had nothing left to fight against them with -- what little he might've had before, five years alone in Nibelheim had destroyed what was left of it. Rather than wasting energy trying to maintain himself against Her, he allowed Her to overtake him, gathering as much of Her voice into himself as he could while he still had the presence of mind to.

Eventually, his will crumbled entirely, and he was awash in that deep space for a second, or an hour, or a century. Part of the music, and the depth. Part of Mother.

He was suddenly jarred back to reality and found himself slumped in the booth with an aching jaw. He stared at the ceiling for a while with vivid green, inhuman eyes as who he was slowly began to put itself back together. Everything felt distant.

"...you hear anything?" That must have been Tifa. Maybe she had punched him.

He nodded numbly. "Heard Mother."

"What did She want?"

"She wants out. She wants to be whole."

There was a motion across the room, which got him to notice Cid. He was here now too. That was nice.

"Anything we don't already know?" he asked. Cloud turned his head and fixed his eyes on Cid and earned a small shudder from the latter. He couldn’t seem to make his eyes focus on anything.

"She wants out. She wants to be whole. She's waited to be whole. Her children will make Her whole."

Cid rolled his eyes. "This was a waste of twenty minutes."

"Her children will make Her whole. Her children will bring Her Reunion."

"Well, looks like he's checked out for the day," he heard Reeve say as Barret retracted the gun back into a hand. "We may as well consider our options and call in what reinforcements we have."

Cloud felt a wet nose press into his arm. Nanaki. It was his friend Nanaki. "Is he going to be alright?"

"I'll take care of it," said Tifa, who moved somewhere he couldn't see and carefully picked him up with a grunt. "Maybe he'll mention something else."

Words kept happening from his mouth on the way up the stairs. He could hear them discussing them in the dining room. Reunion, children, whole. Their words and Her words that weren't words, not the way humans knew them, and his words, the ones in between the two, kept blending together all the way to his room as Tifa set him down on his bed and sat down next to him, squeezing his good hand.

After a moment it occurred to him that perhaps he was supposed to squeeze back, but for some reason he couldn't really move. Mother hadn't given those parts of him back yet. Still, there it was. The thought was strangely comforting even though it wasn't a part of them.

She was saying words now, to him. Tifa, not Mother. He tried to respond, but the words he wanted to make himself wouldn't stick together long enough for them to be said. There were only Mother's words now. Tifa kept talking, though, so he had another chance, and another, and another. Eventually, he managed one.

"Sorry."

There was a pause in her speech, and she said something back. "Me too."

"Didn't mean to yell."

"I know. I'm sorry I didn't trust you."

It was another few minutes before he managed more: "Didn't want anyone to worry."

"We're gonna worry about you. That's something we chose to do anyway. That's part of how having a family works."

"Don't leave."

"I won't."

After what felt like another eternity, Cloud finally managed to make his fingers contract. About time. She might've left.

Tifa let out a sharp hiss of pain as he very nearly broke her hand, and he loosened his grip and turned to look at her properly. It was easier to write his own words in now.

"You get anything good from that?" he asked.

She shrugged. "Same old crap as usual. Bit weird that She's mentioning children again, considering they're all dead."

"You think there's more? Remnants, maybe? Another experiment that got out?"

"Nanaki thinks there could be. I think he's wrong. There's nothing left, right? You checked about a hundred times after... after the stigma." She clenched her fingers nervously.

He nodded. "Nothing. Not even any samples."

"Well... no news is good news, right?"

"Right."

She leaned up against him, careful not to bump his arm. Another thing he'd missed. At least it was easy enough to convince Tifa to sit with him. Half the time he couldn't work up the nerve with anyone else. They could say yes if he asked. But they could also say no, and that would hurt almost as much as if he never asked at all and just went about his business not being lonely all the time like an adult was supposed to be.

Tifa didn't want to say anything, obviously, but a quick look out the window told him it was already night. He must have been sitting on his bed with Mother -- Jenova, for hours. Maybe five or six. It had gotten worse again.

The worst part of it all was that even after all this time, it wasn't really unpleasant. In fact, it felt wonderful to be "whole". It was as though he'd been choking, and he was finally permitted to breathe, this basic function of his mind and body that he denied himself so he could keep his individuality. The fact that one day he might not want to refuse was yet another thing he was terrified of.

He curled up against Tifa a bit closer. She'd have to bail him out if that day ever came. He hoped she would want to.

"So... why fire?" came the question after several moments of silence.

Cloud looked up at Tifa from a bit of skin he'd been picking at on his left wrist with his teeth, confused by the question. "You must've mastered about ten spells by now," she clarified, "and fire's always your go-to. Why?"

"It... it's easy to use," he said. He reached through to the Planet on a path he now knew by heart, gently coaxing a small flame into existence and staring at it as it ran through his fingers, as though it would look different now that he was considering it properly. "It's pretty similar to what I can do innately. Does big explosions just as well as quiet arsons. It's got a lot of useful non-combat applications, too."

Tifa shook her head. "No, I know, just... it doesn't bother you, in fights?" There was another period of silence.

"The smell, I mean," she added quietly.

He looked up from the fire at Tifa again, who was staring at it with a distant expression on her face. "We were both at Nibelheim," said Tifa. "If -- if you saw anything close to what I saw... smelled it... I don't know how you stand it."

The flame in his hand flickered and went out. He knew exactly what Tifa was talking about: had stepped over the mangled bodies in the streets and sprinted frantically to their cabin; had run back in for his mother, maimed and screaming as the flames claimed her; had to be dragged back out by Tifa's sensei when he succumbed to the smoke, too lethargic to do anything but watch her burn. The mako had seared away many things from that day that he'd had to win back, but the scent of charred flesh and burning hair had not been one of them.

Eventually he spoke up, still staring at his empty hand. "I, er... I sort of got used to it. From before Nibelheim."

Tifa frowned, fixing her gaze on him. "Before?"

"Nibelheim was only unique because it wasn't planned and they didn't have a coverup story ready to go," he said, failing to keep the bitterness out of his voice. "I worked for Shinra for two years before that. It's what they do."

Tifa was quiet. Cloud continued, the words coming easier the longer he talked. He didn't know if she actually wanted to hear it or not, but he was loath to interrupt a clear memory, especially if he managed to recover something else. "Three houses in the Sector 1 slums, I remember doing. And in Wutai, when they were cleaning up after the war... whole villages, along the southern half of the main island. Little villages, even smaller than Nibelheim."

He leaned back against the wall, staring out the window. "They weren't in the news. Nobody cared about those villages. Nobody cared about Gongaga, or Corel... and nobody really cared about Nibelheim, either." He glanced nervously at her. She was looking at him. He held his ground. "I never felt like that smell was a part of Nibelheim. It was just... a part of fighting, I guess. Had been for a while."

She looked at him for a while, then nodded. "It was tricky for me, at first. Almost wasn't let in to Avalanche at all. They took me on the first bombing mission, and after it went off things got a little... intense for me. So they stopped taking me."

"You came with me for the run on Sector 5," said Cloud.

She nodded. "Yeah. And that was the first bomb run I'd been on in years since then. I volunteered, and I guess Barret was too surprised to say no."

"Why'd you volunteer?" asked Cloud, and while she didn't smile, he saw Tifa's expression soften a bit.

"Had to keep an eye on you, Mr. Soldier First Class," she replied. Cloud let out a quiet huff of laughter. "After the bomb went off, it was a little easier this time, since it had been so long, and I thought maybe I'd started moving past it... before Sector 7, anyway."

There was another period of silence as Tifa quietly clenched and unclenched her hands. She didn't really have any mastered spells that she could cast in such close quarters -- it was rather like cracking one's knuckles, something Tifa found thoroughly unappealing.

"I thought maybe Barret dealt with it easier," she said, "but then I remembered Corel. I don't know how he does it."

"Maybe he's not bothered by stuff like that. Maybe he's got different stuff that gets to him," said Cloud eventually.

"He's right in the other room. You could ask him," said Tifa.

"No point," said Cloud. He'd rekindled another flame, smaller this time, and wove it between his fingers like a pen. "He'd tell me to stop asking. He's probably only afraid for Marlene's sake. I can't really picture anything getting to Barret like that, can you?"

Tifa shrugged. "Well, let's check." She raised her voice. "Barret, can you come back in here for a moment?"

She reached out to his flame as Barret stepped in through the door, scooping it out of Cloud's hand and sculpting it with her own mastered spell, Flare, and it violently flashed out of existence in midair with a deafening crack, causing Barret to jump and yell a string of words that prompted a loud, ugly laugh from Cid in the next room.

"Is that all you called me in here for?" he said, clearly unamused.

"Yes, and you've been a big help," replied Tifa politely as Cloud struggled to keep a straight face. "Really," she added, as Barret's scowl deepened.

"I'll let everyone know he's awake. Good to know y'all are taking this seriously," he said, and closed the door to Cloud's room again.

"Loud noises," said Tifa after Cloud allowed himself a brief chuckle. The strange static aftermath of a magic discharge hung heavy in the air. "See? He has a gun for an arm and you can still startle him."

"I guess so," said Cloud after a moment. "It's... maybe he's got something else that it means to him."

"Yeah, maybe..." said Tifa. There was another moment of silence as the unspoken thought passed between the both of them; who had Barret watched burn before Corel?

"...He probably wouldn't tell us what it was, though," said Tifa eventually. "But maybe when all this is over, we should ask anyway."

Cloud nodded. "Maybe we should."

There was a knock on the door. “Are you okay? I heard something loud.”

Cloud quietly swore under his breath. He’d forgotten about Marlene.

“We’re fine,” said Tifa, opening the door. “Is Yuffie still with you?”

“She went downstairs for drinks.” She looked nervously at Cloud, whose eyes probably still weren’t quite right. “...Can you come make me a float?”

“Yeah, alright,” replied Tifa after a moment. She turned back to Cloud briefly. “You’re okay here, right?”

He nodded. “Gonna stretch my legs a little, actually. Everything still feels weird.”

He watched as Tifa went off with Marlene, then let himself downstairs as well to find Cid and Reeve still talking in the dining room.

“Do we have a plan yet?” said Cloud uneasily, pulling up a chair. It was so much easier when they could just go stab whatever the problem was.

Reeve shook his head. "Not a lot we can do for now. The WRO is a volunteer group. It'll take time to get a response from anyone with any real power."

"I thought you were in charge?" asked Cloud.

Reeve shook his head. "I'm in charge of a large relief organisation that doesn't have any real authority over any particular sovereign nation or city-state. Edge wants to be one of those city-states. I can apply for a leadership position just like anyone else, but..."

"I thought you'd be a shoo-in. You're pretty much the only politician left alive, right?"

"Not necessarily. And people... don't really like former Shinra staff, as I'm sure you've noticed by now. The WRO's come under a lot of fire over the years for having my name attached to it."

"You're trustworthy, though. You --"

"-- helped you kill every other member of Shinra in what was unarguably a coup, even if it was a coup for the right reasons." Reeve sighed, watching Tifa disappear up the steps with Marlene holding a root beer float. "I knew I'd have to get out of this game eventually. If I'm not a part of the process anymore, now is as good a time as any."

"...Well, if I was allowed to vote, I'd vote for you," he said eventually. He got up from his chair and walked behind the bar, doing his best to make drinks with just one hand. "If you're voting on anything, anyway. Is this a vote?"

"It's a vote, yes. And your support's appreciated," said Reeve, then looked over at Cid sharply. "You're not supposed to be smoking in here," he said in response to the lit cigarette he now had between his fingers. Cid held up another finger on the hand he wasn't using and took another drag.

"Tifa's gonna put that thing out on your face," warned Cloud through his teeth as he bit the cap off an opened bottle of brandy they had in the fridge.

"Just like she's not gonna mind you're pouring yourself a drink," returned Cid, gesturing to the third cocktail he'd been making. Cloud waved him off.

"She doesn't care if I drink. It's not like there's a rule against it."

"You can't have booze with pain meds, Strife," drawled Cid. "They shoulda told you that on the way out of the hospital."

"They told me a lot of stuff," he replied offhandedly, slowly screwing the cap back on after topping the glasses off. "Doctors say shit all the time, and it's never important."

"Actually, that's not quite --" began Reeve before he was interrupted for the fifth time that night.

"You're gonna put yourself in another coma and we just got you out the last one, dumbass."

"I've had worse," said Cloud, and went back to his seat with his drink.

"I hate it when you do that, you know," said Reeve. "You can't just shut down every conversation about your health."

"Can and will." He took a sip of his drink, and Reeve just shook his head and echoed Cid's "dumbass” sentiment but let the conversation drop anyway.

"What, we don't get any?" asked Cid, then stopped as he noticed the two glasses float over and set themselves down in front of each of them. Cid snatched his up and gestured pointedly at Cloud with it. "I thought you said you were gonna stop doing this shit."

"I have one hand, Cid."

"So take trips," said Reeve, now also frowning. "It's one thing if it's an emergency. Casual use of this kind of thing is gonna make this a lot harder to deal with. Especially now."

"It's convenient and it's not hurting anything."

Cid narrowed his eyes. "If someone sees you doing that --"

"Look, just... everyone already saw my eyes, probably. Barret told me about the arm, and I got spotted on the roof. Damage done. The mobs'll probably be here in a day or two," said Cloud, his face falling a bit as what he was saying suddenly hit him. People knew now. Someone would have told someone else. Everyone would know that there was something living in Seventh Heaven that wasn't human.

"So it's not like it matters," he finished quietly after a moment. He took another few large swallows of his drink.

"...You can stay at my place for if you want, 'til things blow over," said Cid, taking a swig of his own drink. "Couch is yours for as long as you need it."

Cloud nodded. "Thank you." It still sounded insincere. "I can..." Pay him? Fix something for him? Give bad relationship advice? Cid could do all that himself.

"You can make me drinks," said Cid. "'Cause this is damn good and the bar back home is shit."

"I didn't come up with it. It's Tifa's recipe," he said, shifting in his chair. Cid shrugged and took another drink anyway.

"You have as much right to be here as anyone else," added Reeve. "You don't need to move unless you want to.

"Dumb fuckin' assholes'll never know what you did for 'em anyway." Cid drained his glass and Cloud moved it back into the kitchen and into the sink with a small jerk of his wrist, just to bother him.

"You goddamn smartass --"

"Is Cid smoking in there?" came a voice from the doorway. Jessie had come back out of the back room. "Tifa's gonna kill you."

"Not if you don't tell her," he said, flicking some ash off his cigarette.

"I won't have to. That stuff smells. You know that, right?" She let herself into the kitchen, then turned to see Cloud drinking and scowled at him. "Sure, why not? Let's have you run the dishwasher and use the oven while we're trying to think of more ways to piss Tifa off." Cloud's face went furiously red.

"It was one time --"

"It was four times for the first and six for the second and you know it."

"He's been doing not-magic, too."

"Reeve!"

"Gods, I was joking. Anything else?"

Cloud stood up again. "If I make you one too, will you shove off?"

She shrugged. "I guess so. Make sure it has an olive on a toothpick."

Cloud slunk off behind the bar as they continued talking. It had been easy enough to take the compliment from Cid, but really he hadn't done anything for them. Well, perhaps that wasn't strictly true. They'd taken out Shinra together, killed Sephiroth together. He'd helped dig through the rubble of Midgar for survivors, too. He'd been one of the few people on-site with any sort of first aid training and mastered White magic, and definitely the only one capable of lifting massive chunks of downed buildings off civilians. But he'd had help with that too. He wasn't the strongest healer in their family, let alone in that volunteer group. And he'd helped dispose of the bodies. But Cid probably wouldn't bring that up to try and lighten the mood. The man wasn't that tactless.

Cloud knew exactly what Cid had been talking about, and that was something Cloud was absolutely sure he hadn't done. He couldn't have. No one, not even the man that killed Sephiroth, could do something like that, could they?

It was, by definition, impossible. Magic had rules.

There was nothing he could do about them being convinced it was him, though. If it was something they thought he'd done, he'd let them keep giving him credit for it. Another lie onto the rapidly growing pile, but it wasn't like he had a lot of purchase in this group as it was. He needed every edge he could get.

After getting Jessie her drink (and hovering it over to her while looking Reeve dead in the eye), he went back upstairs to check on the rest of his belongings. His sunglasses were smashed. The temporary ones he'd been given by the hospital wouldn't stay on his face because they were too big, and not because he was too small. He'd have to send someone out to get new ones, not that it would matter much anymore. His phone was badly scuffed, but still seemed to work alright. His wallet only had eighty gil in cash and a couple condoms in it in the first place, and both were still there. He made a mental note to put something else in it with his phone number on it in case it got lost, since it wasn't like he had an ID. His radio was back to producing nothing but static.

Guess I can't give this back to her now, he mused, and began to leave his room.

He stepped out the door, and the static faded into music again. He froze, and then went back inside. The music lapsed back into static.

He glared at the radio and snatched it off his desk, then jogged back downstairs with it. He dropped it unceremoniously into Jessie's lap and hauled himself up to sit on the bar a small distance away.

"Can you fix that thing for me?" he asked. Jessie looked at him strangely. The radio was playing music again.

"Seems fine to me," she said, shrugging. She tossed it back over to him, and as he snatched it out of the air, the music shut off again. Cloud stared at the radio, and now Reeve was staring too. He quickly switched it off.

"Yeah, probably. I'll deal with it later," muttered Cloud, and finished off the rest of his drink in one go, just in time for Barret to walk in and scowl at him.

"...What?"

"Did you listen to a damn word the doctor told you?"

"Nah. Are you gonna ride me about the booze too?"

"Your dumb ass is gonna wind up with another seizure."

"I don't do seizures anymore." At least, he was pretty sure. It had been years since the last one, and there was almost nothing left to set them off anymore.

"There's a difference between your episodes and poisoning yourself. And Yuffie can't heal either one, so you'd better --"

"What am I not doing?" Yuffie had peeked her head into the room curiously, then frowned when she noticed Cloud with his empty glass, and she gestured with her own. "Can I have one?"

"You sure can," said Cloud, giving the smallest smirk. "Barret, do you want one?"

Barret grunted, which was probably the most graceful "yes" he was gonna get out of him for the time being.

"What are we getting?" said Nanaki as he trotted into the room after her.

"Cloud's making drinks," said Yuffie. "You want any?"

Nanaki cocked his head to the side, then shook it. "I'll have a sip of someone else's. I don't know if I would like alcohol."

"Is he above drinking age?" objected Jessie.

"I'm fifty-two. Is that sufficient?"

"Isn't that like... twelve for you?" said Yuffie.

Nanaki's tail bristled, and the fire on the end of it sparked briefly. "Fifteen at least! And it's fifty-two!"

"I'm making two drinks," said Cloud decisively. "And one of you better share."

Might as well ask Tifa if she wants one too, he thought. And as the notion occurred to him, she came walking down the steps, her mouth drawn in a thin line. He braced for the inevitable conversation but pressed onward anyway.

"Hey, Teef, do you want... Tifa?"

Instead of also lecturing him about why he shouldn't be allowed to have a nice drink to take the edge off things, or even making Cid put out his cigarette, Tifa walked right past him without looking at anyone and out the front door.

"Tifa?"

Tifa was already off down the street. Cloud looked guiltily at his empty glass. Maybe he shouldn't have been drinking.

Marlene peeked down from the top of the stairs after her, looking a bit guilty. "...Did she leave? Was it something I said?"

Barret set his drink down and shifted enough to allow her into the booth next to him. "What's wrong, baby girl?"

"I made Tifa mad."

"I promise you didn't," said Barret. "Tifa couldn't be mad at you."

"I found a box under her bed, and it made her mad."

Cloud quickly shot Barret a significant look. After a moment a look of comprehension settled onto his face and he turned back to Marlene again.

"She's not mad at you, baby. She was worried you'd get hurt. There was a gun in there."

"Tifa owns a gun?" The skepticism was clear in her voice.

Barret nodded. "It's a gun. You remember back when Shinra was around, and we had to fight them?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, we had to buy a lotta weapons to fight them. We still have some of 'em around, just in case something else bad happens."

"Like your arm?"

"Like my arm."

"So why was she mad? You aren't shooting everyone." Marlene tapped the back of his metal hand, which looked for all the world like another prosthesis, albeit a very fancy one. Reeve had called in a couple favours after his original gun had been crushed when the Highwind crashed and he’d been pinned by rubble.

"She wasn't mad," said Barret wearily, clearly regretting this particular story already. "Guns aren't safe to touch if you don't know how to use 'em. It could go off and hurt you."

"...So, can you teach me how to use a gun?” asked Marlene. “So Tifa won't be mad."

"Look, why don't we go see Tifa, and she'll tell you she ain't mad," said Barret. "Alright?"

"I'll get her," said Cloud, heading for the door. He'd been anxious to anyway.

"Glasses," said Nanaki rather firmly.

Cloud grunted and stepped back from the door again. "Someone's not getting a drink."

"If you'll recall, I didn't ask for one."

"I'll go get her," said Barret. "You too," he added to Nanaki. "Gonna need someone with a nose on 'em to find out where she went."

"What about Marlene?" asked Cloud. It was almost definitely past her bedtime. Marlene looked at Cloud hopefully.

"...I'm making an exception just this once, 'til we clear this up," said Barret uneasily as Marlene's face lit up. "Keep an eye on her." He knelt and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead. "Be back soon, baby girl."

"Thank you!" squealed Marlene, the earlier conflict all but forgotten at the prospect of staying up late with everyone else. The minute Barret and Nanaki were out the door, she rounded on Cloud.

"I wanna do an arm-wrestle contest!" she said. Cloud shrugged, then winced at the action. His shoulders were definitely not up for shrugging for the time being.

"Alright, but go easy on me," he said. "I've gotta use my bad arm." Marlene immediately ran off to get paper to write up tournament brackets and scores on.

Cloud had no idea what time it was, and the alcohol was making him a bit dizzy, now that he really thought about it. Marlene pinned his arm five times, and then had to stop because one of those pins (the one where he'd decided to give her a bit of a challenge and she'd responded with using both hands and shoving his arm at an angle) actually managed to elicit a genuine cry of pain from him as it twisted a muscle he didn't know was still sore. Yuffie got out a deck of playing cards and did a few witch's tricks, since she was always good at the sleight of hand stuff, then began trying to teach Marlene how to do one of the easier ones. Reeve went upstairs to take a phone call. Cloud went out back to his bike and removed his swords, just in case. Cid took off his shirt to compare scars and wound up falling asleep in his chair. Jessie fiddled with the portable radio, trying to find that third station that was rumoured to have started up lately.

Through it all, Cloud kept glancing anxiously back at the door to the Seventh Heaven, because he could have sworn that on the way out there had been something clutched tightly in Tifa's fist.

#the number i #forfdorfsorf #spitegarbage #*DIALOGUE INTENSIFIES*

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drawingsdrawingseverywhere · 7 years

Text

Trollhunters Dadswap AU part 17

Here it is guys. The day has come.

it’s time for the grit-shaka madness to begin

Strickler, growing more concerned about the Bridge and it’s construction, takes the day off from school and gets Nomura to help him with research. With Strickler out of the classroom, however, that leaves Jim, Toby, Claire, and the rest of the class stuck with a movie day. Not so bad since it’s Gun Robot 3, but terrible since it gives everyone the opportunity to gossip about the upcoming rehearsal.

Jim and Toby are just talking about it when Toby notices the Grit-Shaka in Jim’s bag.

“Dude you’re not really going to wear that, are you?”

“Of course not! I just.... have it for backup! Is it cool if we don’t talk about this? I’m nervous enough as it is.”

“You wouldn’t be so nervous if you ever actually talked to Claire.”

“Pff, as if. I don’t want to risk her hating me again.”

“rule number 1, Jim my man.”

Jim gives him a look and Toby backs off.

“Ok ok, fine. What do you wanna talk about?”

“I don’t know.... how about your new roomie?”

“You mean AAARRRGGHH!!! ? He’s doing fine! We uh... had a little incident with the power washer, but everything’s going great! He’s adapted pretty well to my room, and he hasn’t scared Nana at all!”

“An incident with the power washer?’ what happened?”

“well, it turns out those things are REALLY strong. When I got knocked off of my feet, he didn’t know what to do to turn it off, so he just bit down on the hose nozzle. Needless to say, that didn’t end well.”

“was everyone ok?”

“yeah don’t worry. We both got pretty soaked, but no one got hurt. Think I’m gonna ask Draal if he and his dad have any suggestions. There’s no way I’m gonna wash that guy by hand. I don’t think he’d be willing to sit in a kiddie pool long enough for me to do so either.”

“surprised he hasn’t eaten all your Nana’s cats yet.”

“He tried, but after I told him that humans keep em as pets, he backed off. I have a suspicion my missing VHS tapes are what he chose to eat as an alternative.”

“Well, here’s hoping Angor Rot can convince Vendel to get that mark off him soon.”

“yeah. Maybe i can start giving him some lessons in troll manners. It could help his case, after all.”

“Troll manners,’ Toby?”

“Yeah! Like I ask him what he does in a certain situation, and teach him the proper response! Like ‘if someone is standing in your way, what do you do?’ kinda stuff. Who knows, he might be a fast learner.”

It’s then that Mary accuses Jim of taking her seat, forcing him to sit beside Claire. Jim looks desperately over at Toby, who simply shrugs and mouths ‘talk to her.’ Of course Jim sits there in silent panic for a few moments before looking down in his bag again.

reluctantly, Jim puts on the grit-shaka. Surely it couldn’t hurt to have a little confidence boost, right?

Cue the worst day ever, in which Jim uses the word ‘crispy’ to a cringing degree, ruins rehearsals, and even goes so far as to try to break into the school cafeteria and take all the ice cream sandwiches. All that madness and more.

So of course Toby goes to get help from Strickler and Angor Rot.

Strickler is hard at work researching any clues he can decipher to locate the bridge when Toby runs in. Nomura looks up from her own book, and Angor Rot skides down the ladder.

“Strickler! It’s Jim!”

Strickler is instantly up.

“What’s wrong? What happened? Is it Heimdrel?”

“No no no, he got this totem thing from Bular, and he’s been acting crazy all day! He keeps using the word ‘Crispy,’ and doesn’t care about others, and has just overall been a really big turd!”

Strickler glances over at Nomura and Angor Rot before looking back at Toby.

“This totem Jim got from Bular, it wouldn’t happen to be called a ‘Grit-Shaka,’ would it??”

“yeah that’s it!”

Strickler runs out.

“Nomura, keep looking! I’m sure we’ll find a lead soon! Angor, Toby, let’s go!”

By the time they find him, Jim is about to let a troll tattoo artist hammer into his arm.

“make it weep.”

Strickler snatches the chisel from the troll.

“have you lost your mind?” he turns to the artist, speaking respectfully, “my apologies, if you could give us just a moment.”

“hey guys! You’re here! Are you getting a tattoo too? *gasp* LET’S ALL GET MATCHING TATTOOS”

“We are doing no such thing, Jim!”

“Strickler, my man, chill. It’s just a tattoo!”

“That is not the problem here! You are wearing a troll artifact, and you don’t even know what affects it could be having on your delicate psyche!”

“My delicate Psyche? Oh you mean this? Pretty cool right? I’ve never felt better in all my life! I gotta see what other cool jewelry Bular’s people make!”

“They are not jewlers, Jim! They are a vicious war band, who use artifacts such as the one on your neck to become literal killing machines! It is not for human use!”

“killing machines, huh? Well now I really need to talk to Bular about getting me some more totems! Think of how much more effective I could be if I didn’t fear anything!”

“That goes directly against rule number one of being the trollhunter and I will not just sta-”

Jim grabs Strickler’s shoulder and makes him lean down.

“Strickler, Strickler listen. I don’t care. Ok? What are you gonna do? Fail me in Trollhunters class?”

Angor Rot tries to fix the situation.

“Jim, it is important to be afraid when facing trolls. A warrior who is over confident, or lacks any and all fear, often die very quickly. Trolls have no pity for the arrogant.”

Strickler holds out his hand.

“Jim, I demand that you hand over the Grit-shaka.”

Jm backs up

“no way, man! I already told you! I have never felt better! I’m fine! What are you afraid I wont be able to handle being a killing machine?”

“Jim, as your trainer, I insist that you hand it over.”

“no!”

Jim makes a run for it. Summoning the amulet and narrowly evading capture by his friends.

“I’ll show you!” Jim summons his sword. “I’ll show all of you! I’m gonna take down Heimdrel! Then you’ll see! I don’t need your stinking training when I got this baby on my side!”

Before anyone can catch him, Jim disappears into the market.

“where could he have gone?”

“well obviously he’s going after Heimdrel, didn’t you hear him?”

Strickler looks down at Toby, eyes narrowed and clearly not in the mood for sass.

“Sorry.”

“He does not know where Heimdrel is,” Angor Rot folds his arms, “how does he intend to find him?”

Toby thinks it over.

“I think I know where he’s going.”

Toby runs to Claire’s house and gets the attention of Notenrique.

“Ey! You’re gonna blow my cover!”

“Did you tell Jim where to find Heimdrel?!”

“Sure did.”

“WHY?!”

“If he wants to kill himself, who am I to stop him?”

“Where is he going?”

“And why should I tell you? you gonna run down there and try to stop him? Good luck Chubby-Chaser!”

“just tell me where he is!”

“no! Now get outta here before someone notices!”

“I’ll give you yesterday’s gym socks if you’ll tell me where to find him!”

Meanwhile down in the sewers, Jim is gallantly marching through. Making all kinds of noise. Throwing threats to the air. all that horrible stuff. He of course gets a Goblin’s attention, who scurries off to inform Heimdrel of the situation.

Back up top Toby is running through the town, checking every sewer drain he can to find Jim.

Down below, Toby told Strickler and Angor Rot where Notenrique sent Jim. Strickler is running through checking every hall he can, and Angor Rot is using his staff to check all the hidden places he can think of.

Jim spots a goblin and runs after it, turning a corner and seeing another. It says something in their goblin language and then laughs. Jim prepares his sword to strike when he hears the sound of metal against stone. Heimdrel turns the corner- his sword digging into the sewer wall and making a clear mark.

“There you are, you big ugly brute!”

Heimdrel eyes Jim a moment, locking his gaze on the Grit-Shaka.

“A Gumm-Gumm totem.... Now i see why you so foolishly came down here.”

“That’s right, Heimdrel. It’s the end for you!”

Heimdrel laughs darkly.

“You are just a whelp.”

“No, Heimdrel, I am your doom!”

With that Jim charges forward, swinging his sword wildly. Heimdrel parries and Overpowers Jim’s attack. Jim lands one hit on Heimdrel’s arm and let’s out a triumphant laugh as the much larger Troll backs away for a moment.

“had enough?”

Heimdrel looks up at Jim, the wound caused by the sword suddenly healing and crystallizing over.

“Far from it.”

“you can regenerate????”

“I can do so much more than just that, boy.”

Heimdrel charges back forward and the fight continues.

Jim goes for a low blow and swings at Heimdrel’s legs, But that’s when Heimdrel does a quick spin, his drape of feathers confusing and breaking Jim’s focus. it’s then that when Heimdrel completes his turn that Jim sees Heimdrel has using his cape to hide the fact he was preparing to kick.

Before Jim can dodge or block, Heimdrel’s foot slams directly into him, sending him flying and causing his sword to dig into the sewer floor a few feet off. Jim looks up to find the grit-shaka missing from his neck. He looks up to see it between him and Heimdrel.

“oh no!”

Heimdrel crushes it beneath his foot, breaking it’s effects on Jim. He laughs darkly, raising his sword in the process.

“oh yes”

Jim makes a run for his sword. Heimdrel leaps after him. Jim rolls and grabs his sword, just barely having enough time to spin around and block Heimdrel’s strike. Jim backs away fearfully and Heimdrel’s smile grows more wicked as he walks towards Jim like a predator.

“you know, I’ve seen someone look at me like that before. The last surviving Tyreta besides myself. I saved him for last.”

Heimdrel raises his sword and narrows his eye in delight.

“His screams will be nowhere near as delicious as yours.”

Just as Heimdrel swings his hand down, the manhole above them swings open. Heimdrel’s actual arm hits the sun ray and he backs away with a howl of agony. Toby looks into the scene.

“Jim!”

“Toby! Where on earth am I? How did I get here???”

Heimdrel growls as his arm heals and he begins to circle the ray of light Jim is now trapped in.

“Afraid, Trollhunter? Good. It will make my victory all the sweeter when the amulet is finally mine.”

It’s then that Strickler and Angor Rot find the chamber Heimdrel and Jim are currently in. They run forward to help when a swarm of goblins strike them- one opening another manhole so Angor Rot cannot safely pass through. Toby reaches in.

“Jim! Take my hand!”

Jim of course tries to jump high enough to reach but the armor of daylight is too heavy. Heimdrel drags his sword across the ground, sharpening it and preparing to strike.

"A shame we did not face each other on a true battlefield, but perhaps a coward’s death is all that you deserve.”

Jim looks up at Heimdrel’s sword as he raises it once more to deliver a final blow, and the wheels in his head begin to turn. From behind Heimdrel he can see Strickler has made it through and is drawing knives from his mantle.

Heimdrel swings his arm to strike, when At the same time a handful of Strickler’s knives dig into his back. The troll howls in anger and pain, his posture shifting and turning to face his attacker. Jim dodges the attack and watches the situation carefully. Heimdrel tries to turn to face Strickler, but realizes his sword is stuck in the cement. The Executioner roars and pulls at his arm to try and un wedge it from the ground. Jim and Strickler seem to have a silent conversation, and the second Heimdrel is about to free his sword Strickler and Jim both run towards it.

Jim lands on the sword and uses Heimdrel’s strength to catapult himself up to reach Toby’s hand, and Strickler uses his own strength to jump high enough to reach the street above. As Strickler climbs out, he returns to his human disguise before anyone sees him, and Toby begins to pull Jim up as fast as he can, soon having Strickler available to help.

Heimdrel yells something in a trollish language furiously as they pull him out, and moments after they escape and cover the manhole Heimdrel’s fist punches it open one time before it’s finally over.

“Tobes, what happened today? All I can remember is being in History class and watching Gun Robot.”

“it’s uh... it’s been a long day for all of us. Why don’t we... talk about it later... but just know.... you’ve been a giant turd all freaking day.”

Jim smiles at Toby and Toby smiles at Jim and Strickler helps the two exhausted teens onto their feet before a car honks at the trio.

“Promise me you’ll never do this again, you hear me? That goes for you as well, Toby.”

“Promise. No more Gumm-Gumm totems for me.”

“And I don’t plan on ever trying one. Today has been proof enough for me.”

“Good. Now, let’s get out of the street and back to Trollmarket. I’m certain Angor Rot is already waiting for us there.”

Later on at the Hospital, Barbra is preparing to head home when she is stopped by another Doctor.

“Hey Barbra, do you have a minute to speak with me?”

“Certainly, doctor. What can I do for you?”

“I just wanted to thank you for all the hard work you’ve been doing as of late. Things have been pretty crazy around here, and I’m glad we have someone like you on staff.”

“it’s the least I can do. Helping people is what Doctors are supposed to do, after all.”

“of course. Since you’ve been so active lately, I wanted to inform you of a new addition to our staff. It’s taken us months to convince him to finally transfer here, but I hope you get along with him. Do you have time for me to introduce you to each other before you head out?”

Barbra puts her coat on but smiles.

“I’m sure I have some time on my way out.”

“perfect.”

Barbra and her associate head towards the elevators and stop at the help desk where a rather large man with a metal cane is speaking to one of the Nurses on staff. He turns his head when he notices the pair approach- a warm smile appearing on his face. The head doctor holds his hand out to the man in presentation.

“Barbra, I’d like you to meet Bhaltair McLaine. He just transferred in from Scotland and will be taking over this department. Bhaltair, meet Barbra Lake. She’s one of the best we have here.”

Bhaltair smiles and holds his hand out to Barbra, and when she returns the gesture his handshake is firm but gentle.

“Pleasure to meet you, Bhaltair.” Barbra smiles. “I look forward to working with you.”

“No no, miss,” Bhaltair’s smile grows even wider as the two finish their handshake, and he gently adds his other hand to the gesture and lightly pats her hand in a comforting manner. “the pleasure is all mine. I’ve heard many things about you and your son.”

He finally frees her hand and lightly taps his cane on the ground. “I have a feeling you and I are going to be very good friends.”

#Dadswap AU #Trollhunters #IT'S HERE #AND IT'S LONG AS HELL

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erraticfairy · 5 years

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Podcast: Sexual Abuse: The Last Stage in Recovery

While searching for a way past her own childhood sexual abuse, Rachel Grant learned that many people don’t understand what, exactly, sexual abuse is and how to recover. Using her counseling background, Rachel was able to research and learn valuable coping skills to improve her own life.

Join us as Gabe and Rachel discuss the many factors involved in recovering from sexual trauma, steps society could take to reduce sexual abuse, and what the first step could be for others trying to get beyond surviving.

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

Guest information for ‘Sexual Abuse Recovery’ Podcast Episode

Rachel Grant is the owner and founder of Rachel Grant Coaching and is a Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach. She is also the author of Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse.

She holds an M.A. in Counseling Psychology. She provides a compassionate and challenging approach for her clients while using coaching as opposed to therapeutic models.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Sexual Abuse Recovery’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: Welcome to the Psych Central Podcast, where each episode features guest experts discussing psychology and mental health in every day plain language. Here’s your host, Gabe Howard.

Gabe Howard: Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s episode of the Psych Central Podcast. Today I will be talking to Rachel Grant. She is the owner and founder of Rachel Grant Coaching and is a Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach. She is also the author of Beyond Surviving: The Final State in Recovery from Sexual Abuse. She works with survivors of childhood sexual abuse who are beyond sick and tired of feeling broken, unfixable, and burdened by the past. Rachel, welcome to the show.

Rachel Grant: Thank you so much for having me, Gabe. It’s nice to be here with you.

Gabe Howard: Well I really appreciate you being here. The first question that I want to ask you is I think that sexual abuse is one of those things that everybody thinks that they understand. But I suspect that in reality there’s probably a lot of nuance and a lot of information that maybe the public is missing. Can you kind of fill us in on that and maybe talk a little about it so we understand exactly what we’re going to be talking about for the rest of the show?

Rachel Grant: Yes. So for our purposes today and for the work that I do, childhood sexual abuse is generally defined as any act towards the person who cannot consent or refuse based on their age or their circumstances or level of dependence or perhaps fear or manipulation. And so any act that can fall into that category. Anything from being tickled and to the point where you’re saying no and you’re still being tickled and you’re you know your body space is being violated in that way all the way through to child rape. All of these things constitute childhood sexual abuse and are the types of experiences that I myself have had of course. And then that I work with my clients through everyday.

Gabe Howard: There’s a phrase that always kind of sticks in my mind when I listen to sexual abuse recovery survivors, whether childhood or otherwise. And the phrase is specifically is “a fate worse than death.” That kind of strikes me as a little bit odd but you know I’ve come to understand again what it means. Can you talk about that a little bit because I know that this is a very uncomfortable subject but of course it needs to be better understood so that people can get the help that they need.

Rachel Grant: Yeah for sure. The experience of childhood sexual trauma, I don’t know that it’s necessarily a fate worse than death. But what I will say is that you know as somebody who experienced childhood sexual trauma, my grandfather began abusing me when I was 10 years old. It’s likely that he was abusing me before that but my most conscious memories start at the age of 10 so that’s just where I mark it. There is an immediate rupture of self that happen when sexual abuse is occurring. And so what I often describe it as is you have this sense of self. You have this person who you are and the trauma creates a disconnection and a separation from that self. And then what happens is over time all of these layers of abuse and trauma and the beliefs that you have as a result of that experience get layered on top of who you really are. And so this process is fatal in the sense that you become so separated and disconnected and if we do not have a reintegration of self, if we don’t have a healing of the nervous system and of the brain and of the spirit, well then you know you can kind of in the be walking through life as a ghost of yourself and that’s tragic and this is a real epidemic in our world. And so talking about it is so key, Gabe, because without conversation, without bringing these things into the light, we can’t really get into the process of creating systems and structures and policies that really will fully address what’s going on here in our world, in our family, and for the young children today who are being abused. So we want to try to prevent the next generation as much as we possibly can.

Gabe Howard: And I know that a lot of childhood sexual abuse survivors, they start off in a place of blaming themselves. They think it’s their fault which makes them not great at advocating for themselves because they sort of feel like it’s their problem to deal with when it’s anything but. Am I speaking truth or am I misunderstanding?

Rachel Grant: Oh yeah for sure. When you are a child and you are dependent upon the adults around you. The lesson that most children are taught is listen to the adults, right? They know what’s going on. They know what’s up. Trust them, follow their lead, follow their guide, and a lot of times that’s to the benefit of the child

Gabe Howard: Right.

Rachel Grant: Right. If you have good mentorship, if you have good guardianship, you have someone who is really trying to light the way for you as you’re trying to figure out this whole crazy thing called life. But when an abuser uses that child’s innocence and trust to create a circumstance in which abuse happens, the child is completely faced with something that is discordant. So you have on one hand these messages that you’ve been given that the adults in your life care about you, trust them they want the best for you but your internal experience is one of fear and lack of safety and confusion. And so one of the things that we all do as human beings is we try to understand why we’re having the experiences that we have. And so if you put a little person in that kind of environment and leave them to their own devices to try to understand why is this happening to me, then the egocentric mind of the child let’s just basically means you know children focus on themselves right. They’re not very altruistic yet

Gabe Howard: Right.

Rachel Grant: Which is natural and normal.

Gabe Howard: Right. We’re young.

Rachel Grant: That’s part of a healthy normal human development. The trap of that for children who are experiencing trauma is that they turn everything internal and so it becomes, what am I doing? What’s wrong with me? What am I doing that’s causing this? What is there about me that’s making this person hurt me in this way? The other reason why that happens, Gabe, is because it’s protective for the psyche. If you’re a child, you’re dependent upon the adults around you for your safety and by the way I’m speaking in this context because the majority of abuse happens within the context of family. It’s actually a very small percentage of abuse and trauma that happens outside of that context. So you’re living within this family system; you’re dependent upon the adults for your food, your shelter, your clothes like these sorts of things. So to then mentally make the switch to labeling that person as someone who’s harmful, someone who’s dangerous, psychologically that is that would be detrimental to a child to do that. Because of that you’re basically you’re only out at that point is I better get out of here. And how can you do that? You can’t. So psychologically we turn this back on ourselves because it feels safer. The other thing I’ll just name in this moment of talking about the whole “it’s my fault.” This is like one of the top three beliefs of survivors of trauma are kind of conditioned into and find themselves dealing with. One of my mentors says you know when we are experiencing trauma we hold onto the hope that this person will somehow change. They will become that loving nurturing adult that we possibly know them as in other contexts or knew them as for a very long time. And then there was this change. And so we hold onto the hope that will come back. And if we label this person as bad and wrong and harmful, we have to give up that hope and that again is detrimental to a child’s psychology. So, we hold on to that blame and this is certainly one of the things that I had to work so very deeply on, Gabe. You know in my own healing journey, it was quite the mountain to climb. And of course with all my clients now there’s a full process within my program where we look at all the different aspects that add up to the idea of it’s my fault, and then we break it all down and we dismantle that belief so we can come into the realization that we are not at fault. There isn’t anything about who we are or what we did or what we didn’t do that caused the abuse to happen.

Gabe Howard: We’re going to step away to hear from our sponsor and we’ll be right back.

Announcer: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Gabe Howard: We’re back talking to Rachel Grant, author of Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse. It sort of strikes me that some of the most traumatizing things that can happen in this space are things that happen because it feels so normal in an abnormal situation. And it does not make sense because I can see how this is just nothing that people are prepared to deal with, both as the victim and of course as the parents or caregivers.

Rachel Grant: Yeah, we’ve got a lot of dynamics happening here. So first of all we have to take into account what’s called “generational trauma.” So if the caregivers have themselves experienced trauma and abuse and haven’t received support, and sometimes even if they have, when faced with the trauma of their child, they just kind of go right back into that blank space of like I don’t want to deal with this. I don’t want to look at this. I can’t handle this. And so it’s like hitting an escape button and rationalizing or denying it is the easiest escape. But there is so their own trauma can often inform and influence their reactions. This is not to excuse those choices and those behaviors. There are layers that are happening here. You have families where you know maybe mom is extremely dependent upon the abuser or vice versa. And so when faced with this moment there are all these very layered considerations that the person is working through. What’s going to happen? Can I support myself? What if we end up homeless? And I hear this from lots of people who I’ve spoken with who have been in these exact situations. It seems like a very clear cut thing; your child says I’m being sexually abused or I’m being abused by someone and the adult says OK we’re going to pursue this, we’re gonna handle this, we’re going to react to it, we’re going to take care of you, we’re going to protect you. And I would hope to get to the place where we have that being the more standard response then not. But people are people and they have their layers, they have their trauma. Again I’m not excusing any of those behaviors because it’s really terrible. It’s really a problem. But I think something that surprises, well surprised me in my own healing and I suppose when I’m working with my clients, is that you know part of healing from this trauma is beginning to understand your experience in the full context of everything that was happening. Again not to excuse or to dismiss. But when we have or when we can pull out of our pain and we can pull out of that moment of just being deeply within the trauma where our life seems like that’s all there is as we learn and we heal and we grow and we get a broader and broader perspective about the experience. We do start to understand what was happening for that person. What were their fears? What were their traumas? What were their limitations? And I think when we reach that place, Gabe, we start to have a sense of empathy. And to my mind, that is one of the greatest healing factors of all, because we get to step away from that situation and the victimhood of that situation and instead understand it in the full context of what it really was.

Gabe Howard: I really appreciate you saying we start to understand the full breadth of what’s happening because you know I live in the world. I live in America you know just like everybody else and you know there’s been a lot of large sexual scandals, childhood sexual scandals that have gone on for decades and involve you know hundreds of families and the one thing that I see on the Internet and I hear you know from the watercooler talk is well, that would never happen to me. That would never happen to my child. Well those parents must have been awful.

Rachel Grant: Oh, yeah.

Gabe Howard: There’s this knee jerk reaction that if you or your child are in that situation you did something wrong. And to hear you talk about it, it’s much much different from that. You’re not giving anybody a pass. You’re not saying that. As you said, this behavior is terrible, it’s wrong and we have to do better. But it sounds like you understand the complexity of it in a way that could probably get us to solutions faster than just pointing the finger at people and saying all these parents are terrible.

Rachel Grant: Thank you. Yeah. That’s it. Exactly. And I think that’s one of the reasons why having these conversations publicly and bringing this topic more and more to the forefront and starting to impact the way that we educate children in sex ed and in our homes. And how do we educate our parents? I mean my goodness, the level of safeguards that we do not teach people. I was a teacher, so I love teachers. But I often look at my own life experience and teaching and man like this is only going to help you for like a day. What you really need to be learning and understanding is how to communicate and how to relate to people. And I think that a lot of the reactions that we see that are poor come down to unhealed trauma and a deep deep lack of education and willingness to approach and talk about these topics. If you had parents being spoken to and talked to like here’s what you do, here’s how you respond. Here are the resources, right? If you think about it like if your kid falls down and gets a scrape on their knee, you know what to do immediately. Right? You pick them up, comfort a little bit. You get the you know antibiotic whatever it is. Put it on, put on a Band-Aid.

Gabe Howard: Yep.

Rachel Grant: Why do parents know how to do this without thinking about it? Why did they just react? Because we’ve had this modeled for generations all right. This is how you take care of a scrapped knee. What we have not had modeled for like only like a minuscule amount of time there are people starting to try to do this work is how to respond when your child comes to you with an emotional trauma or a sexual trauma. So if we can start to treat these sorts of experiences the same as like oh this is my child telling me he or she has a scraped knee, what is my protocol? What do I do? How do I respond? Then I think we can support our parents and also of course educating our children on how to speak up and use their voice to.

Gabe Howard: One of the things that struck me as you were giving that analogy is you’re using all the correct terminology. You said my child scraped his knee. You didn’t say my child got a boo boo on his bendy leg or you know anything like that. And it we understand how to sort of help children through emotional stuff like you said. You pick the child up, hug or maybe cuddle them for a minute, but not too long, not too long. There is all of these things that I think about man when we deal with sex let’s just talk about children and sex.

Rachel Grant: Uh-huh.

Gabe Howard: We don’t even use the correct terminology.

Rachel Grant: Correct.

Gabe Howard: You know, it’s your pee pee or your bottom or you know so if something did happen one we’re already uncomfortable with a lot of emotional things we’re already uncomfortable with sexual trauma. And just at its core, we’re uncomfortable discussing sex with children.

Rachel Grant: Um-hmm.

Gabe Howard: So I can see how all of those things coming together would make it very very difficult for the child to be able to talk about it correctly and be able to you know sort of move the needle with an adult but an adult being able to ask questions back to find out if the child is incorrect or misinterpreting or again, I fell down and hurt my knee. OK. How did you fall down? I fell off my skateboard. Or you know, there’s follow up questions. You know what to look for. You don’t have to take the child’s word for it. That doesn’t exist, you know, in this other arena. What’s the solution for that side of it? I mean I can think of a million solutions. You know we have to stop you know tiptoeing around sex with children. I mean I understand that that’s a tall order. My mother still cringes when I say penis or vagina to

Rachel Grant: Right.

Gabe Howard: Children under twelve but I’m like, “Mom, that’s what they’re called.” And you know she’s old school she prefers

Rachel Grant: Yeah.

Gabe Howard: You know pee pee and hoo hoo. And I understand why she’s uncomfortable but I feel that there’s a real need for this kind of open dialogue in our society but we’re only a generation apart so

Rachel Grant: Right.

Gabe Howard: That means at best one generation and believe me I have friends my age that are just like, “Why are you doing that?” They think it’s weird.

Rachel Grant: It’s such a tricky thing. I think there are so many components that add up to the discomfort that we have around sexuality. America in particular, the United States in particular, is a fascinating society because we are the most sex phobic yet the most sexualized.

Gabe Howard: Right.

Rachel Grant: So as long as it’s like pictures and images and these representations of these ideas of bodies and sex that we’ve come to decide are good and sexy and fun all of that. Then we lean in. But when it comes to the actual nitty gritty of the things you know it’s like whoa, hands off. I can’t go there; I can’t talk about it. And so you know where does this come from? I mean I’m not a historian so I’d love to speak with somebody who maybe knows more than me but just from my own kind of intuition and research and being in this field thinking about you know if we trace it all the way back to where we start in this country and the way that sexuality was represented and utilized. We can go even further back than that in the way that women were treated and they’re still treated. You know we’ve just got a very very very very long history of women’s bodies being used as objects or as barter. And so we’re fighting against that and not to leave out male survivors, because just because they don’t have that history, doesn’t mean they don’t get abused. They do. And so you know to have conversations about sex, to start being more on point about it just put this in the open, I don’t think is going to be our generation. In other words, I think only you know, it’s going to be the next.

Gabe Howard: Ok.

Rachel Grant: I think we’re about three or four generations away. Fingers crossed.

Gabe Howard: Right.

Rachel Grant: Right. Generations out from before we start to really challenge and start to see some shifts. I know some really wonderful people, colleagues of mine who are doing great work with parents about how they’re talking with their kids about sex and their bodies and these sorts of things. So yes, we have discomfort in talking about sex, but ultimately this is a conversation that when you get down to the nitty gritty, when you put people in rooms together, they talk about sex all the time. Like my girlfriends and I will have deep, interesting, graphic conversations about sex. Right? And so there is also this confusing illusion that it’s uncomfortable, but it’s comfortable in certain spaces. It’s all right in other spaces, it’s not the parent child dynamic there’s this tip toeing around that doesn’t happen when they’re with their adult friends. So I don’t have the answers I guess as long story short here but just looking at some of the things that I’ve seen at play that I think are where we’re making changes and where we’re starting to see some movement in some of the reasons why we’re still very stuck.

Gabe Howard: I appreciate you being so honest with your own life and your own history and your own trauma. I think that it’s very brave to be open about it. And I also appreciate that you’ve put so much work and research and education behind it so that you can help others. That’s very commendable and I applaud you for it. Thank you so much for moving in that direction.

Rachel Grant: Thank you. Yeah. You know there was this when I was 18 and I went off to college, I met a boy. And within, you know, maybe about six months of dating this boy, I was really clear that I that this past trauma of mine was a problem. That I had not healed. That it was really impacting my ability to trust, and my ability to communicate, and my emotional regulation was all over the place and with some prompting from him I finally decided to start going to counseling and talk about what had happened. You know in my work one of the things I talk about is all the stages of healing and in this moment of acknowledging hey my life isn’t working. I’ve got to take a look at what happened. That moment of acknowledgement is a bridge from victimhood to Survivor. And I lived into that and I started understanding and I started coming to realize why my life was the way it was and why I felt the way I felt. And in the midst of all of that and this relationship ended up being a 10 year run that we were together. And along the way he became a very abusive man. And he drew out my abusive nature as well. And when that relationship ended, Gabe, I was in my new apartment. Life had just kind of been stripped down. I had a sleeping bag and a lamp. And I remember sitting, leaning against the wall, one day and I was crying in fear and what’s going to happen in my life and I don’t know anymore. You have to think about it from 18 to 28. I’ve been with this man.

Gabe Howard: Yeah it’s a long time.

Rachel Grant: Right. And I’m thinking I’m pushing 30 and I don’t know what I’m doing with myself and I just remember a really strong voice kind of interrupting all of that and just saying Rachel you have got to get your s**t together like right now. Right now. And I don’t know why it was, and how it was, and what happened exactly in that moment. But that was the turning for me and I just became obsessed and I was like I am going to figure this out. I’m going to answer this question of how do I actually heal from sexual abuse? And that’s really, Gabe, what launched me into reading and researching, studying neuroscience, doing my master’s in counseling psychology, and honestly just using myself as a guinea pig. I really didn’t set out to do this as a career. I really was just starting to get myself together. But as it began to unfold, and as I started to see my life changing I thought well if this can work for me, maybe there’s a chance that it can work for others. And 12 years later here I am and that to me is the greatest gift is just when I really started to shift from just understanding the trauma to wanting to understand what to do about it and how to heal about it. That’s what I call beyond surviving.

Gabe Howard: That’s wonderful. Thank you so much I really appreciate that. We’re almost out of time but I have a real quick question for the Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach. If anybody who is listening is a survivor of abuse, you know they’re relating to your story, and their understanding what you want to say and they want to reach where you have. What are some of the first steps that they can take toward recovery?

Rachel Grant: So first of all my darling beautiful people who are out there listening who have experienced sexual trauma. This is not a life sentence. You’re not destined to be hurt. You’re not destined to spend every day dealing with the past and in pain. And the first thing that we can do is make a decision. We have to make a choice that we want something to change. And from that place of choice we can then take action. And to my mind the best first action is to understand exactly where you are in this healing process. From my web site you can go RachelGrantCoaching.com/checklist. And you can get my guide that will talk more about the stages of recovery. Victim, Survivor, and Beyond Survivor, and the important thing about that guide is going to give you a checklist to help you figure out where you are. But it’s also going to tell you what the goals of each of those stages of recovery are and the types of support that align with that stage. So many survivors of abuse and trauma end up getting retraumatized because they’re trying to do goals that they’re not ready for yet. They’re trying to reach and achieve things that they’re not they haven’t got the other foundations in place yet and they’re using healing modalities that don’t address the correct stage of where they are. So that guide will help break all of that down. And from that place you’ll then be able to make better decisions and focus your energy on what you need to focus on to get to the next level and then to the next level.

Gabe Howard: Thank you, Rachel, so much. Your book Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse, I’m sure you can get it on your Web site. But is it also available on Amazon and other sites like that?

Rachel Grant: It is definitely available on Amazon.

Gabe Howard: Thank you so much, Rachel, for being here. I really appreciate you taking the time to sort of play in my sandbox.

Rachel Grant: You’re welcome, Gabe. I appreciate you and thank you for creating the space for me to share my story and to connect with your community. I really appreciate it.

Gabe Howard: Well we certainly appreciate you and listeners please if you can take a moment to go to wherever you downloaded this podcast and give us as many stars as possible. Use your words and write us a nice review, share with your friends, shares on social media. Email us. Burn it onto a C.D. and give it to your grandma. We would really appreciate it. And remember you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private online counseling anytime, anywhere simply by visiting BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. We’ll see everyone next week.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to the Psych Central Podcast. Previous episodes can be found at PsychCentral.com/Show or on your favorite podcast player. To learn more about our host, Gabe Howard, please visit his website at GabeHoward.com. PsychCentral.com is the internet’s oldest and largest independent mental health website run by mental health professionals. Overseen by Dr. John Grohol, PsychCentral.com offers trusted resources and quizzes to help answer your questions about mental health, personality, psychotherapy, and more. Please visit us today at PsychCentral.com. If you have feedback about the show, please email [email protected]. Thank you for listening and please share widely.

About The Psych Central Podcast Host

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. He is also one of the co-hosts of the popular show, A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. As a speaker, he travels nationally and is available to make your event stand out. To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

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positivepsychologyinterventions · 5 years

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Podcast: Sexual Abuse: The Last Stage in Recovery

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Guest information for ‘Sexual Abuse Recovery’ Podcast Episode

Rachel Grant is the owner and founder of Rachel Grant Coaching and is a Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach. She is also the author of Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse.

She holds an M.A. in Counseling Psychology. She provides a compassionate and challenging approach for her clients while using coaching as opposed to therapeutic models.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Sexual Abuse Recovery’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: Welcome to the Psych Central Podcast, where each episode features guest experts discussing psychology and mental health in every day plain language. Here’s your host, Gabe Howard.

Rachel Grant: Thank you so much for having me, Gabe. It’s nice to be here with you.

Gabe Howard: Right.

Rachel Grant: Which is natural and normal.

Gabe Howard: Right. We’re young.

Gabe Howard: We’re going to step away to hear from our sponsor and we’ll be right back.

Rachel Grant: Oh, yeah.

Gabe Howard: Yep.

Rachel Grant: Uh-huh.

Gabe Howard: We don’t even use the correct terminology.

Rachel Grant: Correct.

Rachel Grant: Um-hmm.

Rachel Grant: Right.

Gabe Howard: Children under twelve but I’m like, “Mom, that’s what they’re called.” And you know she’s old school she prefers

Rachel Grant: Yeah.

Rachel Grant: Right.

Gabe Howard: That means at best one generation and believe me I have friends my age that are just like, “Why are you doing that?” They think it’s weird.

Gabe Howard: Right.

Gabe Howard: Ok.

Rachel Grant: I think we’re about three or four generations away. Fingers crossed.

Gabe Howard: Right.

Gabe Howard: Yeah it’s a long time.

Rachel Grant: It is definitely available on Amazon.

Gabe Howard: Thank you so much, Rachel, for being here. I really appreciate you taking the time to sort of play in my sandbox.

Rachel Grant: You’re welcome, Gabe. I appreciate you and thank you for creating the space for me to share my story and to connect with your community. I really appreciate it.

About The Psych Central Podcast Host

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