#but this post is about shit that I’d fairly in abundance
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I hate people who think they have a say in what other people do with their own belongings, people can customize their collectors dolls and figurines, people can write in, fold and tear pages out of their books, people can alter their clothes to their own liking and so that they actually fit. people can do whatever the fuck they want with their own shit, why are y’all so mad over something that isn’t and never will be yours?
#deity dialogue#y’all don’t get a say in what other people do with their own shit#it’s so irritating to me to see ppl go ‘you ruined that!!’ ‘how could you do that’ ‘you don’t deserve that item’#you don’t get a say plus you’re super annoying xoxo#I really wanted the vampire heart draculaura doll (and still do) but if someone completely customized her head to toe guess what!#I wouldn’t care that’s not my doll I don’t own her I don’t own that persons doll#actually I would care id probably watch the video or look at pictures and go ‘that’s so cool!!’ because i think doll customization is cool#I think it’s cool and fun when people do whatever the fuck they want with their own things#y’all are so precious and defensive of others peoples things and it’s weird#like what does this actually have to do with your life that you’re so pressed about it#i will say this however: ruining one of a kind historical items for the sake of it isn’t. great I’m not defending that#you may know what I’m talking about and you may not but I am mad about it still#but this post is about shit that I’d fairly in abundance#like books are printed every day even collectors dolls have enough in existence that it’s stupid to get mad about it#ince you buy a thing it’s yours to do with as you please#if it’s not harmful or hurting anyone why does it matter??
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How to Start Writing
A lot of questions I’ve gotten over the past few years have been to do with actually starting to write, putting those first words down. Sometimes it’s people who used to write and are daunted by the task of getting back into it, other times it’s brand new writers, just tiny word-gremlins brimming with untapped inspiration, lacking the cynicism induced by years.. decades of having your life ruled by imaginary creatures.
At the end of the day, the only tried and tested tip for starting to write is WRITE, but I will try to provide you with a few others for the sake of appearances.
🌙
1. Start Small.
Maybe you’re incredibly imaginative and you have this entire fantasy series in your head just ready to be put on paper, but... try not to rush into it. When I started writing first, every idea I had was for a novel, but I didn’t actually have the skills (and still don't) to complete a novel, so this led to a string of failed projects, which is not good for the delicate soul of a tiny word-gremlin.
If you do have a big idea you love, I would suggest writing smaller stories, with simpler plots, based in that universe - for example, you could use a prompt list/generator (Google them, they’re everywhere) and adapt those prompts to your universe. If your story is some epic sci-fi horror series and the prompts are about funfair dates, it could make for quite an interesting time. These exercises will allow you to work on your characters and your world, while giving you time to build the skills you need to one day develop the story into something bigger.
If you want to work on fan-fiction specifically, fluffy drabbles are your friend. You can start NSFW if you really want to, but I don’t advise it. Some people find smut comes easiest to them, but for me - and most writers I know - sex is one of the hardest things to write. Again, you can try prompt generators (like this OTP one here) or check places like Twitter for AU ideas - although, if you’re planning to post/share your story, do not use other people’s AU ideas without their permission!
2. Read! Watch! Consume!
Consuming other media is literally one the most important things for writers and new writers in particular. Watching/reading casually is a great way to spark some inspiration, but if you find something you really love, something that makes you think I wish I wrote this, then I suggest going over it again with a more critical eye. Focus on the character development, the plot, the aesthetics - try to pinpoint the aspects of it that really make it resonate with you. Low-stress exercises like this will also help you learn more about storytelling in general without actually putting much effort in, so it’s win-win.
3. Adjust Your Expectations.
Understand that creative writing, especially on the scale of a novel, is a skill which needs to be developed. Just because you got good grades in English class does not automatically mean you’re going to be an excellent writer, and just because you’re not an excellent writer now doesn’t mean you never will be. No one picks up a paintbrush for the first time and expects to create a masterpiece. Artists of all sorts work hard for years to hone their craft and develop their style, and writers are no exception to this. You will not be good overnight and half the stuff you write in your first year, you probably won’t be able to read by next year because it will make you cringe so hard - but that’s not a bad thing! This means you’ve improved so much that even you can see it and getting a writer to acknowledge their own growth is no simple feat.
4. PRACTICE, but maybe not too hard?
There’s no such thing as I can’t write, or I can’t draw, or I can’t ride a bike. You can - with practice. You should know what your goals are with your writing and adjust your practice based on this. Do you just wanna spend one or two evenings a week writing about your OTP/OCs on cute dates? That’s fine, work at your own pace, and don’t force yourself to write if you’re not feeling it. Are you angling for a six-figure book deal? Then you write till your eyes bleed, my fren, you write till your bones are empty and your laptop keyboard is talking back to you.
That said, you do need to know when to stop. Creative burnout (which is a big cause of writer’s block) is real and it is horrible. Practice isn’t always a blast, but it should never be torture. Maybe you need that six-figure book deal more than you need life itself (big mood), but you also need to sleep, friend, you also need to do some things that aren’t writing or you will lose your goddamn mind.
5. Bonus: Write Because You Want to Write.
I’ve used the artist/drawing analogy several times because over the years in fandom, I’ve seen quite a few people start writing simply because they ‘can’t draw’ and writing seems like a good alternative. While I don’t enjoy the common misconception that being a good writer is easier than being a good artist, I’m not saying those people are wrong. Everyone should dabble in the arts and see what their creative side has to offer - this might be how you find your true calling and that’s wonderful. Just understand that while writing comes a little easier to some, it’s not easy for anyone. There is a huge pressure in certain fandoms to create in order to feel included, so just make sure that you’re having fun with what you’re doing and not simply succumbing to that pressure.
A Final Note:
I’m not trying to shit on artists with all these analogies, I swear, I worship them as gods. Each artistic craft has its own skill-set and they can’t be fairly compared, but people to tend to understand how difficult drawing/painting is because we’ve all been forced to attempt it at one time or another; however, people rarely grasp just how difficult it can be to write a good story because they got A’s on their ‘My Summer Holidays’ essays in primary school. So, one last thing to keep in mind is this: artists have an abundance of tools and mediums at their disposal, and they can try their hand at each until they find one that suits them; writers only have words and must build worlds with them.
Thank you for reading! This is my first proper post like this, so I’m pretty nervous and a Libra, so I’d appreciate praise and validation. But! If you have any more questions about this post or suggestions for future posts, please shoot me an ask! You will not be annoying me - I wouldn’t have made this blog if I didn’t wanna help other writers - and there are no stupid questions!
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Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2016
I think everyone will agree that 2016 had “Impending Doom” written all over it, and as a result a lot of pop music became very depressed very quickly, and as such, I’m less enthusiastic about this list than some of the previous ones.
Disclaimers:
Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.
Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.
My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.
I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.
For a year that was so cataclysmic worldwide, 2016 was pretty mundane for me, so let’s just skip to the albums that came out that year and which I consider relevant to my tastes. Obviously (and unfortunately) there was David Bowie with Black Star. We should have known we had jumped right into the Worst Timeline when the year started with the death of Bowie. Nine Inch Nails also released Not The Actual Events, which was pretty good, and as I said previously I consider Coldplay’s A Head Full of Dreams to be more of a 2016 than a 2015 album. And then there was the biggest surprise of all, the return of Enigma after eight years of silence, with the very good Fall Of A Rebel Angel (even if A Posteriori is still my favorite “modern” Enigma album). EDIT: I forgot Ghostlights by Avantasia. Took me YEARS to listen to it & realise how good it was.
But no. Surprisingly enough, my favorite album of the year wasn’t any of those. It was... oh god, that title. Here we go. It was I Like It When You Sleep for You Are So Beautiful yet So Unaware of It by The 1975 - which I like to call “The 1975′s second album” instead, because what the hell, guys. Anyway. It had been a while since I had found a new band I’d consider to be one of my favorite bands. I really liked Chocolate from their previous album but that was it. But this one? What a breath of fresh air. A Change of Heart, She’s American, Please Be Naked, The Ballad Of Me And My Brain, Somebody Else, The Sound, This Must Be My Dream? That’s only the songs I listened to on a loop and that’s already nearly half of the album. Great music, love the vocals, but I especially love the writing, full of strange and awkward details and lines that make everything feel so alive. The first time I listened to some of these songs, some lines actually got a chuckle out of me, like the American girl wanting the narrator to fix his teeth, or him hopping on a bus to ask the passengers if someone found his brain, or his girlfriend complaining about his shoes and his songs then immediately adding “I thought that you were straight, now I’m wondering”.
As someone who’s constantly puzzled by human relationships and tends to act super awkwardly, all of this is extremely relatable. So yeah. Album of the year, love this band - impatiently waiting for that fourth album!
As far as unelligible songs go, as you can guess I’m furious The Sound (The 1975) wasn’t a hit because I was and I’m still listening to it on a loop. And that’s about it. Wait there’s also Kids by One Republic. It was super good. Apart from that, there’s also one (1) elligible song that I’m gonna put on the 2017 list instead because I really struggled to find enough songs I liked for that list, and that particular one is elligible for 2016 thanks to the French year-end list and 2017 thanks to the US year-end list, so eh.
Time for some honorable mentions.
This Girl (Kungs vs Cookin’ on Three Burners) - Number one of the year here. Every time I heard it (and I heard it a lot) I enjoyed it until that wretched drop.
Fast Car (Jonas Blue ft Dakota) - Not a good cover, but I love the original so much I’d be lying if I said I hated this completely.
Sucker for Pain (Lil Wayne & Imagine Dragons) - No, that slow, heavy, tortured beat that all recent Imagine Dragons songs have doesn’t work on topics like being a natural at something, being a believer, or describing thunder. It does work, however, with a chorus saying “I'm just a sucker for pain”.
Cheap Thrills (Sia ft Sean Paul) - Sean Paul, and a song about having fun without any money. Everything I want from an average hit song on the radio.
In the Night (The Weeknd) - This would be much higher if I didn’t find The Weeknd’s upper register slightly painful to listen to.
J’ai Cherché (Amir) - Hey look, the guy France sent to Eurovision that year. He’s still around, too. He’s pretty good, and that song is super cute.
Ride (21 Pilots) - Not the last time they will appear on this list.
Je Suis Chez Moi (Black M) - Pretty good song about racism, and the singer explicitly calls out a far right political figure who said some pretty terrible shit about him, and it’s a good answer.
Perfect (One Direction) - This is just Style by Taylor Swift all over again except slightly less good. But as I said before, copying good songs isn’t always a bad thing.
Human (Rag’n’bone Man) - Would definitely be on the list if listening to it didn’t feel like working.
Into You (Ariana Grande) - The last cut. The ending is wonderful and explosive, it’s just a shame that the entire song doesn’t sound like that.
And now... the list.
10 - Stressed Out (21 Pilots)
US: #5 / FR: #9
Defining song of the entire year, whether you liked it or not.
Fortunately, as you can see, I liked it a lot, even if I don’t have anything interesting to say about it.
9 - Don’t Be So Shy (Imany, Filatov & Karas remix)
US: Not on the list / FR: #2
I often joked that the melody sounded weirdly similar to Goldman’s “Envole-moi” by singing the lyrics of the verses over the Don’t Be So Shy verses, and it fits nearly perfectly. But apart from that, great song, great remix, very overplayed but never to the point of being annoying.
8 - I Took A Pill In Ibiza (Mike Posner)
US: #15 / FR: #29
There’s nothing I could say about this song that Todd hasn’t said before in what I consider to be one of his best reviews, if not the best, so here it is.
7 - Heathens (21 Pilots)
US: #21 / FR: #23
Super ominous and tense. It’s rare when a mostly grey song looks interesting, and this one definitely does. I also like the ending a lot. Don’t hang out with too many toxic people, guys, they will influence you over time.
I had no idea this was made for the Suicide Squad movie until very recently and frankly I wish it hadn’t because it’s way better on its own, especially the hand grenade line which works a lot better as a metaphor for self-destructive tendencies.
6 - Starboy (The Weeknd)
US: #58 / FR: #16
As I said before it took me ages to like The Weeknd. His voice is great but I found most of his songs fairly boring or disliked their lyrics. And then he teamed up with Daft Punk and to be honest, I didn’t even care if the lyrics of this one included weird lines about drugs on furniture, the beat was completely worth it and the singing was great. Not enough to put it on my mp3 playlist, but a delight every time it was on the radio.
5 - Faded (Alan Walker)
US: Not on the list / FR: #11
I adore this post-apocalyptic, contemplative music video. The music itself has this weariness and this quiet despair that felt super relevant, and even the drop is a bit slow instead of energetic. I usually don’t like this kind of song but this one found the perfect balance. If we really need to have more sad, exhausted hit songs, more like this, please.
4 - Closer (The Chainsmokers)
US: #10 / FR: Not on the list
I usually don’t like love songs if they are just that, random love songs without a good melody or good colors or good stories. If the melody isn’t particularly great and the colors boring, it needs to paint an interesting picture, and the more details the better, even if they are super awkward, like, as I said previously, in some of The 1975′s best songs mentioning bad shoes, or people’s jobs, or how a car smells like.
So yeah, what I’m trying to say is that my favorite thing about this song is the over-abundance of weird and kind of off-putting details that most people consider to be its main flaw. To each their own, I guess.
3 - Never Forget You (Zara Larsson & MNEK)
US: #46 / FR: Not on the list
See, this is one of the reasons why I decided to make these lists: to find great stuff I missed over the years. I discovered this song while making the 1.0 version of the lists on a google sheet in early December, and now this has a spot on my mp3 player. And it’s so weird because this song shouldn’t work. The drop is ridiculously lifeless compared to the soaring quality of the chorus and it actively works against the rest of the song. It takes a while to get used to it and I’m still not entirely sure it does work, at all.
But what can I say, framing is, once again, everything, and songs about imaginary friends are super rare, and that music video made me cry and catapulted this song from “that’s pretty good” right into the “holy shit that’s fantastic” category. And it made me rewatch Where The Wild Things Are, so yeah.
2 - Perfect Strangers (Jonas Blue)
US: Not on the list / FR: #70
This, on the other hand, stayed on my mp3 player for about two years, and the music fits the lyrics perfectly. It’s not a groundbreaking song, it’s not even that original, but in such an average year for pop music, “happy energetic song with beautiful colors and nice lyrics” meant the world to me. It’s kind of telling that it was enough to put it as high as #2, though.
1 - Hymn For the Weekend (Coldplay ft Beyoncé)
US: #73 / FR: Not on the list
And with this, Coldplay has officially topped as many of my lists as Linkin Park. If, back when The Scientist dropped, you had told me how much I would love this band in the future, I would have laughed pretty hard, but here we are.
But yeah, it’s one of my favorite songs on the album and it’s a super weird combo of heavy and aerial sounds, soft and super colorful notes, and I love the lyrics that completely mirror that feeling, feeling “drunk and high", “poured on a symphony when I’m low, low, low”. A great party song that’s also strangely melancholic. Exactly what I needed.
And then the Seeb remix happened and added a truely fantastic drop on top of an already great song, like turning the saturation up and adding little pulsing lights and transparency effects and shit. It’s sincerely hypnotic and visually so complex and fragile I’m afraid I won’t be able to draw it if I ever attempt to turn it into a synesthesia drawing. Just like A Sky Full of Stars, I was driving the first time I heard that remix on the radio, and I wasn’t expecting that drop at all, and I was gawking.
Godspeed, Coldplay, I’m so glad you’re still a positive force in my life, especially in these trying times.
Next up: Oh my god are you telling me that after 15 years I can finally put a song from that other band at the top of one of my lists
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Every book chapter a song is named after: Loomings (Ch 1)
Since most of the (most recent) tracklist is named after chapters of the book, I’m going to attempt to work through the whole of the show this way, talking a bit about my thoughts on each chapter’s translation into a song. Based on the tracklist chronology rather than the book chronology. Skipping the songs we’ve already heard, for obvious reasons.
Also fairly obvious, but even though I’m using the chapters to imagine the songs, I naturally can’t be sure how closely they’ll follow the text of that specific chapter (see, The Pacific, which actually follows completely different chapters).
TW for brief mention of suicidal ideation
Loomings is very different from Extracts, in that I can pretty easily envision it fitting into a show of Dave’s, and imagine what it might be like as a song.
This chapter is our first direct introduction to what to expect from the body of this book, and it has four-ish main sections:
1. Ishmael introduces himself as the narrator recounting this story, and explains his general path in it (going to sea because it’s what he does when he’s exceedingly depressed)
2. He dwells on mankind’s inevitable attraction to water, and that this is due to how it represents the unknowable to us
3. He details his reasoning for why he always goes to sea as a simple sailor, as opposed to a passenger or a crew member of higher rank
4. He describes his “choice” to go on a whaling voyage in particular as actually designated by fate. He does, however, then explain his personal attraction to going on the voyage, that could make it appear like free will to him.
So, there is a lot being set up in this chapter. I can very much feel this becoming my main issue to accept (i.e. get my head out of my ass) with reconciling the adaptation with the book overall - there is so Much in Moby Dick and there is only so Much you can fit into a musical. Even a 4+ hour one. But yeah, that’s seen on a smaller scale with Loomings, in how it sets up a lot of background information about Ishmael and how he thinks, as well as starting some thought process about a number of important themes for the book (fate vs free will, capitalist and power dynamics, the limits of mankind’s knowledge… all that important shit). Where the song draws its focus from will just depend on what Dave chooses to emphasise the most.
I'll go through the chapter, and mention where I connected things to either comments Dave's already made about the musical, or to his writing in general.
Coming into reading Moby Dick because I knew Dave was writing his musical, and reading the opening paragraph of Loomings where Ishmael introduces himself by launching headfirst into the details his depression, I naturally went straight to “so this is an introductory solo for a character played by Dave”. It’s not only something that leapt out at me straight off the bat, but one of the more ludicrously famous sections of Moby Dick, so I have to imagine it’s likely to make an appearance.
The further thing I wanted to point out while I’m on this section, is that despite how famous this little piece of Moby Dick which clearly describes Ishmael’s depression and suicidal ideation is, the majority of Moby Dick adaptions have little to no other reference to his depression. Or they just have none at all if they’re really eschewing the narration. I’m not saying that it’s a deal-breaker for an adaption or anything of that kind, but mental illness definitely has a presence and impact in Moby Dick (I’ll just, leave it at that for now) that doesn’t especially get a lot of attention. On the other hand, it’s something that I, personally, will notice and think about. Anyone who’s familiar with Dave, however, knows that his shows almost consistently revolve around mentally ill characters (and what’s probably the most famous solo he’s written is about depression/suicidal ideation), and portray them in ways mentally ill fans relate to and appreciate. If an adaptor was to make a specific effort to earnestly portray Ishmael’s depression, and how that relates to his role in this story, it’d be Dave. (I could potentially even argue that The Pacific and Cetology already suggest ways in which he’s doing this but. Mm.)
But, anyway. I said Loomings is a good fit for that song that can be found in almost any Dave Malloy musical, where everything is just starting out, and someone (who is often played by Dave) sits down to pour out all their frantic thoughts and unstable feelings and draw you into their story - so, how I imagine the song is strongly based off the pre-existing examples of that type of song. Namely, I drift to Pierre and The Astronomer.
Both songs have aspects I like for an imaginary Loomings. They’re both ruminative, emotive introductions to a character and their brain’s inner workings. They’re both at least somewhat depressed and ranty. I like Pierre for its emotional tumult, its inquisitiveness and desire for something more, its explicit descriptions of the effects of his depression on his behaviour, its moment of curiosity about mankind, and its drama. I feel like Pierre barging his way into his introductory solo, the first time we ever hear him sing about himself, with “It’s dawned to me suddenly, and for no obvious reason, that I can’t go on living as I am...” is not worlds away from how Ishmael can come across. I also like how it’s piano-driven (because I unimaginatively imagine Ishmael as a pianist in the show), unlike The Astronomer, but on the other hand, I prefer the less dense instrumentation of The Astronomer (maybe not quite that sparse though. Intermediate). I also like The Astronomer for its slow-paced style ranting, its dreaminess, its dwelling on Big Ideas, and the way it is more an explanation of who this character is through exploring his beliefs. Which is relevant as Loomings goes on.
Both songs, particularly Pierre, channel more anger and resignation than is really relevant to Loomings, however. A part of this is that they’re both dwelling inside the emotions of an unhappy/unsatisfying present, describing that to us as who they are, now. Ishmael is outside of his present self because he’s a narrator. Throughout Loomings he is... recounting his past, but also describing the future of and influences on his past self, moreso than his past self’s present or who he was at that particular time. And, from that more distant position, opening these influences up to us, and the rest of the world. Uh. How relevant or sensible this is to point out I don’t know, but it seems like a very different emotional experience to convey.
The second section of Loomings, where Ishmael discusses water, moves the furthest from talking directly about himself and his story, I suppose, but is a big bit of theme/motif/setting foundation, and is also just very beautiful writing. I love it a lot, and I’d love to hear some of it put to music... A few little quotes from it because I like them:
What do you see?—Posted like silent sentinels all around the town, stand thousands upon thousands of mortal men fixed in ocean reveries.
///
They come from lanes and alleys, streets and avenues,—north, east, south, and west. Yet here they all unite. Tell me, does the magnetic virtue of the needles of the compasses of all those ships attract them thither?
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There is magic in it. Let the most absent-minded of men be plunged in his deepest reveries—stand that man on his legs, set his feet a-going, and he will infallibly lead you to water
///
Yes, as every one knows, meditation and water are wedded for ever.
///
But though the picture lies thus tranced, and though this pine-tree shakes down its sighs like leaves upon this shepherd's head, yet all were vain, unless the shepherd's eye were fixed upon the magic stream before him.
I also like the abundance of rhetorical questions in this section, and how that invites the reader in as if you were in a conversation. Those could fit well into a theatre song, where you have Ishmael sort asking himself, sort of asking the audience (also a bit Pierre, tbh). This, combined with how much switching up of sentence length there is in this section, give it this lovely gentle-paced, meandering, breathing rhythm that makes me think of it being sung. There’s probably a better, more technical way of describing that, but I don’t know that smartness, so essentially - I can almost hear it simply because of the way it’s already written.
The conclusion of this section is where Ishmael draws together his claim that the reason we all find water so magnetic is because to us it represents the things that’re unfathomable and unreachable in life:
Why upon your first voyage as a passenger, did you yourself feel such a mystical vibration, when first told that you and your ship were now out of sight of land? Why did the old Persians hold the sea holy? Why did the Greeks give it a separate deity, and own brother of Jove? Surely all this is not without meaning. And still deeper the meaning of that story of Narcissus, who because he could not grasp the tormenting, mild image he saw in the fountain, plunged into it and was drowned. But that same image, we ourselves see in all rivers and oceans. It is the image of the ungraspable phantom of life; and this is the key to it all.
It’d definitely be a way to get us onboard this ship, swept up in this journey, while we’re inside a theatre: “Come along with me, into this huge, intrinsic thing, come, and try to obsessively chase down whatever inscrutable thing is still maddening you in the craziness of the world today!” Mmm.
A little thing I find interesting, however, is how this little piece, and how it’d be presented in the context of the show, relates to some pre-existing lyrics from Cetology: “And the ocean is too deep for me to fathom/ And life is just to big for me to bear/ But who am I to compare my despair to the shaking of the sea?” These lyrics have no root in the chapter Cetology itself, and I can only assume they’re actually rooted in this section here. The weirdness of that is how Ishmael makes the comparison he lays out in Loomings, but then immediately questions his right to make it. He paints his own personal experiences as insignificant in the scheme of it all, even if he does harbour those feelings about the ocean which are due to feelings about the unknown. Which is intriguing and opens up a lot of shit. There’s a lot going on in Cetology which can explain why he says that in the context of That Song, but it makes me wonder if this claim will appear in Loomings and then reappear later with the catch on the end, or if it’s sole appearance is in Cetology. It shall be seen. And I’ll probably discuss those Cetology lyrics more when I’ve... actually heard Loomings! Or, oh, you know, the full show for legit context.
The next thing Ishmael does in this chapter is discuss why he makes the choice to go as just a "simple sailor" every time he goes to sea, in doing so telling us a bit more about himself and his opinions. I won’t expand on these hugely, but I do think it’s a fair enough point to say that Ishmael makes statements in this section which could act as starting points for themes that Dave has specified he’s discussing through this show - namely capitalism, democracy and race/systems of power, in this situation.
One of Ishmael’s reasons is money. He doesn’t have the money to pay to go to sea as a passenger, he needs/wants to be paid for it as a sailor. The actual pay for which, by the way, is really, really not that much considering how dangerous a job he’s signing on for. But we have to survive somehow, we suppose...? And, his opinion on the money-making in general?
The urbane activity with which a man receives money is really marvellous, considering that we so earnestly believe money to be the root of all earthly ills, and that on no account can a monied man enter heaven.
Another of his reasons is that he prefers not to go to sea in any higher rank because he doesn’t care for the honour attached to these positions, and doesn’t want the level of responsibility involved. He goes on to explain that while it can be unpleasant to be ordered around by one’s superiors, he accepts it, and there’s no sense in striving for superiority when he is in essence no lesser than them, since, he states, everyone is inevitably under the command of someone else.
With very intentionally provocative wording in the context of a book published in America in 1851.
Do you think the archangel Gabriel thinks anything the less of me, because I promptly and respectfully obey that old hunks in that particular instance? Who ain't a slave? Tell me that.
He finally says that it’s the ordinary sailors rather than their superiors who get the first, freshest breath of that revitalising ocean air. He then leans deeper into the thought:
He thinks he breathes it first; but not so. In much the same way do the commonalty lead their leaders in many other things, at the same time that the leaders little suspect it.
Having laid out his justification for this choice, Ishmael moves onto why a whaling voyage specifically. He essentially accounts it to the mysteries of fate - though his desire to experience new, remote things could trick him into exaggerating the role of his free will.
There’s a part towards the end of the chapter that I specifically wanted to point out, where Ishmael actually uses a piece of theatre as a metaphor for his voyage. It’s not as famous/iconic as some other parts from this chapter but it’s very entertaining in the context of an actual musical, and I’d love if it were referenced:
“And, doubtless, my going on this whaling voyage, formed part of the grand programme of Providence that was drawn up a long time ago. It came in as a sort of brief interlude and solo between more extensive performances. I take it that this part of the bill must have run something like this:
"Grand Contested Election for the Presidency of the United States
"Whaling Voyage by one Ishmael
"BLOODY BATTLE IN AFFGHANISTAN."
Though I cannot tell why it was exactly that those stage managers, the Fates, put me down for this shabby part of a whaling voyage, when others were set down for magnificent parts in high tragedies, and short and easy parts in genteel comedies, and jolly parts in farces—though I cannot tell why this was exactly; yet, now that I recall all the circumstances, I think I can see a little into the springs and motives which being cunningly presented to me under various disguises, induced me to set about performing the part I did, besides cajoling me into the delusion that it was a choice resulting from my own unbiased freewill and discriminating judgement.”
This little piece fits well with the metatheatricality Dave has said he’s interested in exploring in the show. In terms of this concept, he’s mentioned both Ishmael vs Meville antics, but also broadening the idea of character vs writer with the added layer of him as the composer playing Ishmael. This quote specifically refers to theatre, and referencing one’s own role in a performance, which obviously becomes increasingly funny when you’re a narrator in and composer of a musical based on the book. Pondering over your “shabby part”, and why it was given to you, while you’re existing in theatre you composed yourself… strikes me as in line with Dave’s humour. In the song Cetology, Ishmael already actually laments that “this could be an amazing song...”, in doing so pretty heavily suggesting that he’s self-aware of being in a musical he wrote. So I don’t think Dave using this quote for metatheatre’s sake would be that surprising.
I also like this quote because of the quite bizarre, almost eerie throwaway piece of modern foretelling we’re given in the layout of performances in the “bill”. It’s interesting enough for a modern adaption to point out as it is, but especially since Dave is highlighting connections between the book and modern America, it feels like something he might reference.
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theaussielemming replied to your post “Weekly reminder that Overpopulation is actually a myth perpetuated by...”
No... Really it’s a thing. There’s shit tons of science about it, it’s not capitalism saying we don’t have enough resources and driving up market price. It’ll get us well before climate change does.
That’s really just not true?
Generic PSA incoming
It’s important to look at the age of a study and who is funding it when determining it’s validity. I’d love to say science is all about pure knowledge and shit, but science doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Scientists are people who need money and food and sources of money and food are often people who want you to believe myths that keep you pointing fingers at anyone other than them and they will fund studies that specifically tell you that. Data can be manipulated, really, to support any hypothesis and we, as layman, don’t have the knowledge necessary to understand the direct source and determine results for ourselves from the data set.
Every bit of science you hear about is given to you through the lens of someone who specifically wants you to believe a certain thing or think a certain way. Sometimes the meddling is obvious (Welfare fraud is indeed at an all time high...At like 1%.) and sometimes it’s more subtle, presented in a more reasonable fashion (any study with a small sample size that uses percentages to sound more legit even tho the study was on 30 housewives in beverly hills or some shit. Not a good representative of people as a whole). This is why reading many, and often conflicting, reports is important. This is why you must slog through conservative and liberal media. So you can understand an accurate picture of reality is. You have to challenge your own confirmation bias.
Generic PSA over! Let’s define Maximum Carrying Capacity.
Overpopulation has been in the public psyche for almost fourty years. We’ve got a lot of theories about it, but it’s important to note that the maximum carrying capacity of the earth is still highly debated and the current world pop (About 7.7 billion) is actually very low on the end of population estimates according to this theory. Some of them being as high as 44 billion people before we experience any kind of problem. The generally accepted consensus right now is about 15 billion, which we are nowhere even close too. (7.7 may SEEM close but the difference between 1 billion and 2 billion is really astronomically huge. 8 billion is no where near 15)
So even if I were willing to give overpopulation it’s premise the current data doesn’t support it’s being a problem right now and given how many studies are panicking about how birth rate is on decline, I can’t find myself too worried about it in the future.
With the baby boomers beginning to croak and young women delaying childbirth (or simple decision not to) to later and later ages we’re actually at a point where there’s more people dying in a day than being born.
Closed Environment and Distribution of Resources.
Part of the reason Overpopulation has a difficulty working as a scientific model is bc most population studies done on animals and occur in fairly small areas the animals generally do not leave and new animals tend not to come in. This creates a closed environment, where the population of that animal has to subsist only on what is available there. For human beings, we have no such environment. If resources become scarce in one area we have a globally spanning economy that allows my ass sitting in the frozen tundra north to eat bananas and oranges any time of year whenever I want. A famine is not a natural disaster in these conditions. Famines are political failures.
There are a plethora of studies detailing the fact that we have an abundance of food. We can literally feed everyone on earth currently and still have surplus. We have an abundance of space. Even discounting deserts we have enough land space that every human being can have an acre and a half of land. The problem with food and space is not the amount, it’s not even the destruction of the environment, it is the distribution of food and space. Now, while I blame capitalism in a majority for the massive amount of waste it produces, there are other factors at play in why it can be difficult to get food to some places. Shipping actually causes a huge amount of Co2 emissions so, until we get our shit together to determine a more sustainable method of shipping, widespread distribution across oceans and continents does need to be curbed. But then...For cross continental we’ve had working hydrogen engines for almost 20 years and no company has picked up on those yet even though they’re efficient and only produce water as a byproduct.
I wonder why???
But in any case, Overpopulation loses it’s leg to stand on when you consider than more than 48% of the world population lives in areas where the birth rate has failed to reach replacement rate at some point in the last ten years. As in some of the most populous places on earth have had a declining population trend since 2010. (and earlier for China)
Technology and its effects on population
The thing is, the more technology we have, the more resources we have. Food production is skyrocketing because of GMOs. Energy production, should the powers that be ever take their heads out of the sand and look at solar power, windmills and other renewable energy sources, will be more than we can possibly even use right now. When we have access to that kind of thing we can make wider reaching technology that can make the natural conditions of the earth even less of a factor in survival than they are now and potentially do it in a far less destructive manner than we are currently doing it in.
And all of that leads to a drop in fertility.
Children are cumbersome. They take a lot of time, effort and money. With technology where it is, were it to be distributed more evenly, you’d see that a lot of women don’t just defer birth they won't have kids at all. There’s far more rewards in a post-industrial society for remaining childless than there are for having children. You can already see this happening in places like Japan where the government is actually having to provide incentives for family planning because the birth rate hasn’t just declined it’s at an all time low.
Overpopulation estimates that were made in the 80s cannot account for technology today. They could not have feasibly even imagined what technological boom would happen in the late 90s and that’s created conditions that have made Overpopulation a debunked thesis. If trends had continued as they were then there might have been a problem but the issue has, at this point, almost solved itself.
If anything we are currently having a problem in the opposite direction. The primary reason the number is going up is simply that people are living longer but we are, absolutely, getting to the point where these 90 year olds being kept alive with technology are going to start dropping and the population will see a pretty significant dip in a lot of places if things don’t change.
How capitalist perpetuation of overpopulation is used to justify eugenics, classism and oppression
The only places we don’t really see the above conditions are, predictably, places where upward social and financial mobility is limited. I, being a person who has grown up and living in abject poverty for at least 23 of my 26 years of life, can give you a lot of anecdotal reasons for that. But this post isn’t about justifying why poor people are poor. If you need to question why you shouldn’t decide these people deserve to die bc they take up too much room and too many resources then I would suggest you look deep inside yourself at your own system of beliefs and figure out why them’s the facts.
But I am assuming you are not one of the people who feel that way because I like you and I just really don’t like people who feel that way.
However. There are a lot of people who do feel that way and, unfortunately, a lot of those people have the power to make their feelings a reality. They are the same people that get poor white ppl to vote for them by convincing them the reason they are poor is not because of them but because of poor brown people. Overpopulation became another widespread thought schema that is now being used to to convince the white man with the shotgun in a trailer park that he should have his benefits slashed because black women are having too many “got dam” kids. Not because he wants his benefits slashed, in fact the fact that HIS benefits will also be slashed never occurs to him, but because he wants hers slashed. He, after all, is a white man and thus cannot be part of the population problem.
The number of people I have heard justify reducing Welfare programs because of overpopulation is staggering. Let the children at school starve because their parents are too poor or neglectful to give them food. It’s disgusting. I feel like I never truly understand how filthy a human being’s soul can be until I get them to talk about overpopulation and listen to the classist eugenics that just casually pours out. Not only is it almost always objectively not true but the complicity of otherwise reasonable people gives the machiavellian actions of the US supreme court and congress credit they do not deserve.
Even if overpopulation were a problem, which I don’t believe the data actually supports, it would still be a problem that I think human populations are not ready to comprehend yet. Just like I’d love to find a gene that can accurately predict a persons sexual orientation or gender identity just because I think it’d be a cool thing to know, but we can’t do that yet because finding it will inevitably lead to “now how can I get rid of it?”
Tl;DR: Overpopulation as an immediate issue is an outdated thought supported most prominently by data that is more than 20 years old.
So. Weekly reminder: Overpopulation is a myth perpetuated by the people in power to maintain a status quo and keep you from questioning their actions.
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New Post has been published on https://fitnesshealthyoga.com/how-a-daily-chakra-meditation-transformed-one-yogis-life/
How a Daily Chakra Meditation Transformed One Yogi’s Life
A YJ editor learns about the power of abundance through a daily chakra meditation challenge.
As a yogi, I’ve grasped the concept of abundance—intellectually. But as someone easily whacked out of balance by overbearing personalities or overwhelming workloads, I’ve never been entirely convinced that the universe could accommodate both my needs and virtually anything else at hand. Things get crowded quickly. My chest tightens and hip flexors grip; I ditch plans to practice yoga, stop making nourishing meals, and skip dates to connect with dear friends—or, most importantly, myself.
It may all go back to growing up in a Greek household, which involved what I’ll generously call a spirited communication style. Somehow, stillness and peace were elusive in a two-story home with big bedrooms and a finished basement. And this perceived lack of space spilled into an underlying, unchecked zero-sum mentality that has shaped my perspective ever since.
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In early college, roommates and I lamented the supposed dearth of eligible partners in the dating scene. When peers sustained relationships, I’d shake my head and say, “they’re stealing from the sex pot,” as though, like a soup special on a cold day, our campus could just run out of love.
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Last year, a yoga teacher and I showed up for a filming project and both felt under the weather. By mid-afternoon, I’d recovered; “I used up all the good vibes when you needed it most!” I joked. She (kindly) reminded me that there is an infinite source of healing for all.
This isn’t exactly what I thought I’d confront as I embarked on YJ’s month-long challenge to practice a chakra meditation every day. Finding calm? Sure. Less stress? Looked forward to that. Spiritual ecstasy? If I’m lucky, great—but not a must. Instead, it was time to take a look at my internal space-time continuum.
See also YJ’s March Meditation Challenge Will Help You Stick to a Steady Practice
Learn more about a chakra meditation and how to start a 31-day challenge as well.
Balancing the Chakras
The 31-day challenge began without ceremony on New Year’s Day in Brussels, where my partner and I were visiting family. I sat in the unmade guest bed, welcomed a purring Chartreux voluntarily curled up in my lap, and fired up a 20-minute guided chakra meditation from legendary Tantra teacher Sally Kempton.
New to chakras? Here’s a quick primer: Chakras are whirling forces of subtle energy associated with different aspects of the physical, emotional, and spiritual bodies. There are 7 (of many more) chakras primarily taught in yoga, and this is what they stand for:
Muladhara (Root): Earth, security, home, finances
Svadhisthana (Sacral): Water, creativity, sexuality
Manipura (Solar Plexus): Fire, sense of self
Anahata (Heart): Air, love
Visuddha (Throat): Space, communication from the heart’s truth
Ajna (Third Eye): Light, intuition
Sahasrara (Crown): Bliss, divine connection
(You can get sucked into learning more about the chakras here.)
They are strung along the sushumna nadi, a central channel of life force that runs from the base of the spine through the crown of the head. The idea is that balancing the chakras—by focusing breath, mantras (sounds), yantras (shapes), imagery, and colors in their respective locations along this inner totem pole—allows you to access this sacred streak of energy.
When I asked Sally about what happens when (and if) you open the central channel, she told me that, with so much attention toward the central channel, it was an effective centering technique. She also dangled a taste of nonduality. In a Tantric reality, everyone is one with the Divine. “You can become aware that your body is a formless, vast, undulating center full of light and bliss,” she said. “It’s a fairly dramatic experience.”
It all sounds esoteric, so I wouldn’t expect everyone to embrace it. But I’d microdosed on chakra practices for over 15 years, so I was ready to dive in. When I was 20, I found a random chakra book in my East Village sublet and journaled a root chakra affirmation that resonated: “I am safe, I trust in the natural flow of life, I take my natural place in the world content in the knowledge that all I need will come to me in the right time and place.” Years later, within the context of a vigorous flow, Seane Corn presented the chakras as a psychological roadmap for growth.
Then I met Tantra and Kriya masters Alan and Sarah Finger, who brought the chakras to light with concrete techniques to harmonize them. It was the first time I learned the chakras as a subtle body technology. They also answered a good question: How do you actually locate a chakra? For me, bija (seed) mantras were the entry point; with enough focus, repeating the staccato sounds (in the case of the root chakra, lam) help me trace a pulse in a specific location (pelvic floor).
Even so, beaming awareness and imagery to ambiguous areas in my body required concentration and good faith. As a result, the neurotic part of my brain didn’t focus on the usual storylines: deadlines, challenges, or omg how much time is left in this meditation?! I was lulled by the mantras’ vibrations, and all the visualizations inspired my imagination—a boon for anyone who spends too much time in Type-A territory.
There was a misstep when I first imagined elements—earth, water, fire, space, light, bliss—associated with each chakra. Before Brussels, I’d traveled to Rome, so my mind conjured scenes from the Colosseum: snarled roots in its underbelly; water rising in the amphitheater… I quickly decided not to instill scenes from such an infamous space.
Instead I coaxed meaningful imagery: Strong roots holding up the mermaid-like mahogany trees I’d seen on Costa Rica’s Osa Peninsula; emerald lakes tucked into rarely trekked valleys of the Sierra Nevada that I’d swam in; the pulse of my apartment stove’s burner enacting a flame in my belly; a tiny flame on a stick of palo santo in my heart center. A Magritte sky in my throat, leading to a golden hour light spilling in from my third eye and crown.
Watch also: What, Exactly, Are the Chakras? Alan Finger Explains
The real test came later in the month, when my schedule packed up.
How the Chakras Created Space in My Body, Mind… and Life
Right away things shifted. I was still on holiday when my coworkers began trickling back into the office. Although I still checked my email—it may take a year of meditation to bust that habit—I didn’t feel my heart pound as they came in. I felt freedom as I visited museums, enjoyed the art nouveau architecture, and connected with family.
Instead of seeking the usual alone time when I returned to New York, I invited good friends over for dinner and king cake. Once I resumed the grind, that vacation halo lasted longer than usual. Each meditation felt like it was literally emptying me of clutter and fog, leaving me with clarity. And, yes, in some sitting practices, I could feel like I was filling up with light.
The real test came later in the month, when my schedule packed up. I prepared for an upcoming filming in another state. I assisted a week-long yoga training that lasted from early morning until evening, and then came home to complete the day’s work. Oh, and a friend from California came to stay with me.
Even for someone who doesn’t easily get overwhelmed, a lot was going on. And it would have been my default to shut out my friend, worry my way through the training, or just operate from the adrenaline.
There’s a pop culture adage that we all have the same amount of time in a day as Beyoncé. Maybe her secret is chakra meditations, because as I found space in my practice, my life opened up. I didn’t have to turn anything down, yet I didn’t feel resentful saying yes. All that inward focus cultivated a strong sense of embodiment. I could be present without losing my wits (or myself) in the process.
When the subway literally broke one morning before training, I didn’t agonize that I’d be late. I calmly walked 20 minutes to the nearest bus route, emailed my teacher, and meditated. (I showed up on time anyway.)
See also This is the Reason I Take the Subway 45 Minutes Uptown to Work Out – Even Though There’s a Gym On My Block
During the training, I knocked over a tripod and it came crashing down during a calming restorative practice. I froze with horror; attempting to melt into my mat was futile. Shit happens, and I was grateful for a makeshift chakra meditation in that moment to move past embarrassment.
I felt peace in this chaotic schedule and could summon an abundance of presence, making deep connections with students at the training, laughing with my good friend at midnight, being kinder to my partner, and, most importantly, tending to myself.
It may sound odd that I “allowed” myself these basic needs and simple pleasures, but it’s true: In the past, the weight of a to-do list or social obligations meant I didn’t have room for myself. I may not have experienced the splendor of the infinite universe (yet!), but this meditation expanded time and space so I could register divine moments every day.
I started my days with a cup of coffee on the sofa and read instead of clacking away at emails. I prepared an egg and avocado breakfast. I stole moments to enjoy the way the low winter sun lit the pastel buildings in Soho.
See also This is Your Brain on Meditation
Want to explore the chakras like you never have before? Join Alan and Sarah for YJ’s 4-week online course, Chakras 101: Unleash the Wisdom and Vitality Within. Through lessons, meditations, asana, mantras, and visualizations, you will learn how to balance these whirling forces of subtle energy, from root to crown. You’ll also fill in the blanks and discover what, exactly, chakras are, where they came from, and how they work. The results: The ability to alter your state of mind, carry yourself with more confidence and ease, and tap into your innate intelligence and power. Sign up today!
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Interview with Everhutcher!
It’s been a while, but we have more interviews lined up, and we’re ready to tackle 2017 and get you the inside scoop on all your favorites, plus some newbies coming into the fandom! Reblog, follow, and get connected with the lovely folks in the HG community. Read on for all the juicy deets about @everhutcher!
Describe yourself like your friends would describe you.
Silly, weird, funny, compassionate. Honest. Loyal. Raunchy. A ball-buster. Someone with zero personal space. Good with details.
Raunchy? That’s interesting… How so?
Oh wow. I’ve just never had a filter. I think it’s a family trait. I’m from a large, loud Eastern European family where everyone speaks their mind, sarcasm is the norm, etc. As far back as high school, my friend and I would read smutty romance novels (mostly Jude Deveraux’s books) out loud at the lunch table just to make our male friends cringe. Totally juvenile, I know. I suppose if I psychoanalyzed myself I might see it as a way to explore sexuality in a safe way or something. Because I’m not nearly so bold in my actions in that way. But even now, I’ll see a double entendre in anything and won’t hesitate to point it out. Cards Against Humanity gives me life. I blame the inner 10-year old boy in me who giggles at inappropriate times. My own 10-year old son is far better behaved than I am in that aspect.
LOL! At some point our inner teen makes a reappearance.
What Eastern European country is your family from? Have you been there?
We’re Ukrainian on both sides of the family. I’ve never been there but it has been fun to connect with cousins from over there through social media. Some of them grew up in the Soviet days, so when I was a kid, we never really had contact with them.
Give me an example of everhutcher as a ball-buster…
It’s sort of just who I am… again, the no filter thing. I will say I don’t ball-bust in a super-aggressive or antagonistic way, because I know that’s how some people interpret the term. My brand is more teasing. My husband is 14 years older than I am, so the old man jokes are abundant. I’m always telling him at the store to ask about the AARP discount or I’ll remind him that when he was 18, I was in preschool. Just often enough to creep him out.
How did you end up in THG fandom?
That was definitely not a straight line between two points. I knew of the books for a long time, but never read them. I’d also seen THG and CF on DVD at the time they came out, and was entertained enough, but didn’t love them in the way I loved other fandoms like HP or Star Wars.
Then my stepdaughter sort of made me read the books right before MJ1 came out in theaters. She promised I’d love them. And she was right. I loved them and then my love for the whole franchise grew from there.
I can relate to that! It definitely ‘snuck up’!
Have you written for other fandoms?
To be honest, nothing has grabbed me the way THG has, so no.
I get it! Same here.
I guess one exception is that I took part in a RPF Secret Santa thing for JHutch fans. I was really satisfied with how the story turned out but I’m not as comfortable writing about real people, so I have not been compelled to do that since. Kudos to those who can, though.
So what drew you into writing fic?
The ending of MJ just left me unsettled and unsatisfied.
And although I understand that in a way, it was likely written in the way Katniss would have genuinely told it (i.e., not dwelling on details), as a reader I wanted more. So, I went in search of some insight into Suzanne Collins’ choices as a writer. Instead, I stumbled across fan fiction. I started looking for some good “growing back together” fics. And my love for the entire genre was born. Eventually I felt brave enough to dive in and write some of my own because I couldn’t get enough of Everlark in just about any setting.
What was it like for you when you posted your first fic for all to see?
The same as it is now: I hit “post” or “send” and I squeal and do a panic dance in my home office. I feel like I’m jumping off a cliff or something.
You never know how it’s going to be received. You don’t want to look or sound stupid (the story or yourself). You might think it’s the best work you’ve done but it’s a load of shit. You just never know what will resonate with people and what won’t. I mean, ultimately you can’t worry about that during the writing process; you have to go with your gut and let the story take you where it wants to go. But you just have to hope people will see something in it that they can relate to as well.
It really never gets any easier, does it? What was a pivotal moment for you in the books?
Arghhhhhh. I think there are so many people who are so much better at noticing details of the book. So many moments. I don’t know if I can classify anything as “pivotal” but I do think some parts resonate with me more than others. The entire sequence of Peeta’s time with the Star Squad in Mockingjay was particularly important to me as a reader, as I think it lends a whole sense of hope, which is so central to the series. In particular, I think the moment Peeta realizes the lizard mutts are coming and he chooses to protect Katniss by yelling for her to run... that, to me, is it. He has already chosen Katniss over Snow in that moment.
Such a good one! What was the hardest moment for you in the series?
I would probably say Everlark’s separation at the end of Catching Fire. I’m such a sucker for those two. Throughout that book they’re connecting in a way they never had before. And unlike the film, Katniss and Peeta are both aware of the other’s presence somewhere around the lightning tree in those final moments in the arena. They can each hear the other calling out. They’re desperate to save one another, and are so close to achieving that. You know, as the reader, that it’s not going to end well for either of them. And, of course, it doesn’t.
What’s the moment you hold onto from the series? That ‘Yes! This is why I love this series’ moment…
That has to be Peeta’s return to 12. As I said earlier, you have these pivotal moments in Mockingjay where Peeta chooses Katniss, in defiance of his hijacking, sometimes without really even being conscious of it. I always wonder what happened to Peeta during his time in the Capitol after Katniss’s trial. Was it a deliberate decision to return to 12? Or was it just instinct driving him to where he felt he belonged? Either way, he returns to Katniss and his first thought is to help Katniss heal. To show Katniss some beauty in the world. He yet again creates a thing of beauty - a simple flowerbed to celebrate Prim’s life - and says “I thought we could plant them for her.” Not me, but we. Even though Katniss isn’t involved in his project, he includes her. They are a team. He is with her, in whatever way she needs. It’s unconditional and pure and lovely to see this reborn in him. Wounded but not broken.
I think you did a lovely job of picking out the details!
What do you enjoy writing most? (Trope, canon/AU, etc)
I think modern AU is probably what comes easiest to me. For one, it’s fun to imagine Peeta Mellark alive and well and walking amongst us in the modern world just waiting for love - and who doesn’t want that? LOL. I’m a fairly open book emotionally, more like Peeta, so writing Katniss is a fun challenge for me. And in modern AU, there’s the added challenge in presenting Katniss as someone who stays in character, still finds it hard to open up, without the details of her life in canon District 12 at play. You have to get into the psychology of a modern young woman and the things which might affect her life.
Where do you get your inspirations?
Oh, man. So many places. I suppose, now that I think about it, a lot of of my fics start with real-life events. Some are sad, like the circumstances of a friend of friend which inspired my PiP fic Promise. Others are often inspired by the random convos I have over chat or text with other bloggers. Like, Drill and Fill started with me complaining to another writer about having to go to the dentist but that thank goodness, at least my dentist was cute, and the rest unfolded from there. I also love that there are so many prompt ideas out there, whether on Tumblr or elsewhere. I’m so grateful that someone might not feel comfortable enough writing a fic on their own, but still has a great idea they want to share with others to make the story a reality.
That’s a really great observation. Give me an idea of yours that you will never write, but you would love to read.
Oooooh. That’s so tough because I think, never say never. If it’s something I’d want to read, and it doesn’t already exist, then I generally wouldn’t hesitate to at least attempt to make it a reality myself. That’s why I started writing fic, not just consuming it. I had ideas that I wanted to share. So I’d have to dig deeper to find something I’d read but not also write.
What has been your favorite fic to write?
No fair! My fics are my kids! I love them all for different reasons LOL.
If two of your fics were drowning… see where I’m going with this?
Well, if I have to choose, I’d probably say Under His Wings. I wasn’t sure where I was headed with it at all. Usually I have a strong idea to jump start the process, and my struggle is to keep the momentum of the story going later on. In this case, I had a hard time starting this story, and it picked up steam as I went along. It sort of took on a life of its own very quickly. I think it’s probably my most moving story.
What is the most challenging fic you’ve written?
I tend to write very quickly once an idea hits me, so anytime I end up with a WIP it’s because the mojo isn’t there. I’m currently on the third version of a story that I haven’t published yet. It’s supposed to be part of @papofglencoe’s clearance condom series, which she started after I took a trip to Target while chatting online with her. Her Pumpkin Spice story was such a treat, and I really want to do something fun and sexy with all that inspiration. But if I force it, I know it won’t be as good as it might have been. So WIP it remains.
If you were stranded on a desert island with any THG character, who would you pick? Just one, now!
Peeta. Hands down. Or wherever the hands want to go. See what I mean about raunchy?
HA! Down is a start in the right direction, though, yeah?
We all have that fic that’s our go to - whether it’s our own or someone else’s - that we return to because we love it and know exactly what we’re going to get. What’s yours?
If we’re talking Everlark fic, I’d probably say The Bucket List by Meadowlark27.
Why?
Faith constructed such a beautiful and heart-wrenching story that made me cry several times. If Everlark fans haven’t read it yet, it has it all. Humor and angst and sorrow and friends to lovers, all my favorite elements. And the ending. Ughhhhhh. All the feels, for sure.
What’s your writing process? Some people like to write their stories all at once, then post weekly, while others like to take it one chapter at a time, where posting is more random. Where do you fall in that spectrum?
I’d like to have the discipline to be the former, but I’m definitely the latter. Once I finish a chapter I want people to see it right away. In theory I always think it’s going to force me to work more steadily, because then I can tell myself that people have read it and want more. In reality, life always seems to fill up my time. The older I get, the more of a procrastinator I seem to become.
I get it. Why is that??
Favorite Book? (non THG)
Probably the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
I first read it in sixth grade, not understanding the historical context in which Tolkien crafted it. At the time I just knew it as a cool good versus evil kind of story. Now I have a much deeper understanding of the historical context, and as a history teacher it speaks to me on that level, for sure. Beyond that, the immense time and energy and effort Tolkien put into creating that universe is just astonishing. The man crafted an entire mythology that the world has embraced as readily as anything mythology of ancient times.
It is incredible. I completely agree, and I love the series!
What do you like to do in your spare time?
I have to think about what spare time is these days lol. I suppose beyond work and family (my husband, son, two stepkids, daughter-in-law and any day now, a stepgrandbaby!)
Congratulations!
My fandom activities have filled most of my free time. Otherwise, I definitely have a love for genealogy. I’ll go through spurts where I’ll spend hours a day scouring records to add to our family tree. And I enjoy traveling. I wish I had more resources for that, but I try to get out of town every couple of months, even for just a night or two. Living in the Northeast helps, being so close to so much. I’m basically halfway between NYC and Toronto; I have a ton of family and connections in Philly so I’m always there, too. I just spent my birthday in Vegas and I really want to get back out to L.A. soon. Been an East Coast girl my whole life but I love California.
Favorite thing about Tumblr?
The friendships. They’ve gone so far beyond fandom it’s sort of astonishing. The ladies I connect with the most are just about the most open, take-me-as-I-am group of people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. I have my group of girlfriends here in “real” life, particularly my friends from work. But my blogger friends are a constant presence as well. Maybe even more so, because you can always shoot off a text or a group chat throughout the day, come back and find someone three time zones away has weighed in on whatever was on your mind. We throw story ideas at each other, talk about our jobs and kids, nothing is off limits. And when you know most of you write Everlark smut you can’t really hide anything after that lol. They’ve become some of the best friends I’ve ever had.
Can you give some advice to new writers?
Just don’t be afraid to jump in and try something. Challenge yourself. There is a vast community of writers out there with a huge array of talents and strengths and styles. If you are worried about how your work compares to someone else’s, and allow it to make you hesitate to write, you’re bound to hold yourself back due to fear of failure. The only failure is to not let you idea come to life in one way or another. Put it out there and share it. Audiences are always going to be better off for it.
Thank you for taking time to talk to me!
You can find Everhutcher’s stories on AO3. Don’t forget to leave a comment! And stop by her ask box to say hey!
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CLARKSON, KELLY
Since we’ve already tackled a fairly diverse musical sampling in this tome, it may not shock you to learn that I sincerely think Kelly Clarkson is awesome-sauce. And I’m not just referring to her talent (which is obviously abundant) or her register of great songs (which is also obviously abundant), I’m referring to her essence—the authenticity she embodies, and how much more fundamentally likeable she is than any other pop star of her stature or epoch. I have not met Kelly Clarkson, yet her entire vocational ethos has been so blessedly free of pretention that I kind of feel like I know her, even though the only thing I know for a fact about Kelly Clarkson is that she is a singer named Kelly Clarkson.
I never viewed one episode of the American Idol season she won and I have never seen her interviewed as far as I can recall. The impressions I have of her character are intrinsic, based on nothing more than the calmative sound of her voice and the traits I instinctively suppose a person whose voice sounds like hers must surely possess (certain voices are just like that—I don’t think anyone on the planet assumes Morgan Freeman is a dick, for instance). By that criteria alone, I am led to believe Kelly Clarkson is a kind human being, the sort of gentle soul who gleans authentic happiness from making other people happy. I am led to believe she is a humble human being, the sort of grateful and unaffected luminary who lends her resources to numerous charitable causes without requiring any fanfare for it. I am led to believe she is a wonderful mother, although I am merely presuming she has kids since I don’t actually know anything about her personal life. And I am so innately certain of these things that if someone told me they have it on good authority that Kelly Clarkson bathes in the blood of kittens to preserve her youth, I wouldn’t believe that person for a second, even if they had pictures (conversely, if someone told me the same thing about Taylor Swift, they wouldn’t even need photos to convince me).
I have an anecdote which supports my hypotheses, even if the anecdote isn’t my own. My cousin Lauren worked at a restaurant in Hawaii for a few years, and on her last day at this café, a vacationing Kelly Clarkson happened to stop in to eat there. Since it was Lauren’s final shift, her co-workers were scribbling farewell messages on her uniform with magic markers throughout the day, inscribing it like the pages of a yearbook. My cousin’s engraved vestment drew the notice of the eatery’s eminent visitor, who amiably asked about its significance; when Lauren explained the circumstances to this world-renowned superstar in her establishment, Clarkson proceeded to gush about how delightful she thought the gesture was and asked if she could add her signature to the shirt. As a result, my cousin is now the proud owner of a decidedly unique piece of apparel which is autographed by a slew of her former hospitality industry peers… and Kelly Clarkson. When Lauren told me this story, I was acutely charmed and—yes, I admit—a little envious. But I was not a bit surprised, because that is exactly the sort of genial exchange I imagine everybody who meets Kelly Clarkson probably has with her (conversely, if Lauren told me that Taylor Swift came into her restaurant, wrote “fuck you” on her t-shirt, then defecated on the floor, she wouldn’t even need the signed garment to convince me).
While artists like Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj have allocated periods of their careers to embodying post-apocalyptic femme-bots or community-theater sorceresses or whatever-the-fuck, Kelly Clarkson has exclusively devoted her career to embodying a performer named Kelly Clarkson who doesn’t come across as markedly different than the self-effacing lass named Kelly Clarkson who curls up on her tour bus after her concerts to watch old episodes of Friends (granted, I have no idea if Clarkson is a fan of that particular show, but she sounds like she must be). The only way I would ever recognize Lady Gaga in the wild is if she walked up to me and said, “Hi, my name is Lady Gaga”—and after I nodded and remarked, “oh, that’s kinda neat for you,” I can’t imagine I’d have much else to say to her. Yet if I happened to be at a craft store and I spotted Clarkson browsing the yarn aisles (for some reason, I also presuppose she knits a mean sweater), I would instantly know who I was spotting because she would probably look exactly like Kelly Clarkson always does, and I’d feel duty-bound to approach her, shake her hand, and thank her for being all of the things I assume she is. And if she wanted to hang out for a little while and chat about patterns, I would totally hear her out, because listening to Kelly Clarkson extrapolate on the textile arts sounds like a perfectly pleasant way to spend an afternoon. I have a strong sense that if I were to meet up with Kelly Clarkson for coffee—actually, now that I think about it, she probably prefers tea—we would totally get along; I also have a strong sense that Kelly Clarkson is precisely the kind of celebrity who actually would meet up with a fan for tea (not me, obviously, because I clearly sound like a lunatic right now).
“The Girl Next Door” is such a tired trope (especially in my case, since the girls who live next door to me are a Goth lesbian couple), but that is indeed the model Clarkson educes: an ingenuous small-town gal-done-good who spent her teenaged weekends canning homemade jam with her grandmother and reading YA romance novels on her porch with a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade beside her (again, I’m not sure Kelly Clarkson did any of these things; regrettably, my insights into small-town living are limited to the saccharine tableaus represented in the Lifetime Original movies I’ve watched over the years—which, consequently, I presume Clarkson also enjoys). Her comportment evokes a high-spirited yet enduringly sweet kid sister you impulsively want to protect from the leering eyes of the world, and while she is certainly a beautiful woman, my attraction to her has never ventured anywhere near the realm of the erotic (my pop chanteuse crush is Demi Lovato, whose open struggles with bi-polar disorder, depression, and substance abuse—perhaps unfortunately—make her way more my type than Clarkson is). Honestly, I can’t envision making out with Kelly Clarkson; any fantasies my brain might entertain about her would be more likely to involve tracking down whatever scoundrel inspired the fervent pathos in her performance of “Behind These Hazel Eyes” and defending her honor by punching that fucker in the face.
I guess the word I’m really looking for here is “refreshing.” While Clarkson built her renown in a realm of play-acting, her career has been defined by an absence of artifice, which is ultimately a much more substantive thing to define oneself by than prowling around in spangled booty shorts. At her peak, Clarkson’s implicit message to the young women in her fanbase seemed to be, “you don’t have to pretend to be something you’re not; just be who you are and great things will happen.” I’m certainly no prig, but if I had a music-consuming daughter who looked to pop idols for guidance, I’d much rather her absorb that philosophy than the one proffered by, say, Rihanna—whose well-publicized turbulent coupling with Chris Brown would instead tacitly edify my fictional offspring that “ride-or-die” means sticking by your man even after he beats the absolute fucking shit out of you.
Of course, Kelly Clarkson’s ascent was predominantly reliant on her faculty—I doubt millions of people bought her records solely because she’s a nice person—yet in that respect also, she handily outshined her contemporaries. While most of the circa-aughts female pop icons were essentially sonically interchangeable, Clarkson’s soaring vocals always had enough distinctive character to render them unmistakably hers—surely, no amount of Auto-Tune could have endowed the bottom-scraping likes of Fergie with enough juice to do “Because of You” justice. She was also savvy beyond her years, and it was her refusal to let her handlers dictate the course of her career that ultimately allowed her to flourish when so many of her fellow American Idol graduates floundered.
Clarkson’s sophomore album—2004’s Breakaway—turned out to be the best-selling entry in her discography, and will likely forever remain her most iconic opus. But she had to fire her manager and battle just about everyone else in her camp to make that disc happen on her terms. After riding the wave of Idol worship which lifted her safe and satisfactory debut Faithful to its logical ceiling, she was tenacious in her resolve to transcend that threshold and announce herself as an artist capable of achieving far greater heights than triumphing in a televised popularity contest. As preparations for Breakaway began, Clarkson insisted on being heavily involved in the songwriting process—disregarding the protests of her mostly-male producers, who myopically deemed that a twenty-something woman couldn’t possibly possess any insight into what the twenty-something women who comprised the largest audience for the record they were making wanted to hear. She was also adamant about integrating more diverse and dynamic elements into her sound instead of simply settling upon another cycle of tepid pop-contemporary numbers. The result was a monster of a record that offered up five chart-igniting classics and a supporting cast of remarkably strong deep cuts. As evidenced on Breakaway, Kelly Clarkson’s vision of her craft encompassed something much weightier than a series of Pez-dispenser singles and shark-costume dance numbers. She clearly wanted to make a cohesive album that never gave the listener occasion to reach for the Track-Skip button, and she succeeded brilliantly. Commencing with the anthemic title cut, the feisty “Since U Been Gone”, the masterful “Behind These Hazel Eyes”, and the show-stopping apogee “Because of You” in immediate succession, Breakaway is surely a front-loaded disc, but it’s nevertheless one that continues delivering gems long after it exhausts its radio bait: “Addicted” is as solid as anything else on the record, “Walk Away” brims with irresistible quirk, and despite being buried near the tail-end of the track listing, “You Found Me” is more indelible than most other artists’ biggest hits.
This, too, illustrates a refreshing component of Clarkson’s mien—she made an entire record worth listening to, a feat which regrettably few artists on the pop landscape ever seem to bother themselves with. None of the tunes on Breakaway resonate as throwaways; each has something to offer beyond a hummable chorus, and each is solely Clarkson’s domain, firmly entrenched in her esthetic wheelhouse and blessedly devoid of any posturized pandering or blundering Ja Rule cameos. Even at this early stage of her artistic development, she possessed a seasoned understanding of the clear difference between making a song marketable and making a song memorable, and a keen awareness that those two things are not mutually exclusive. Surely, Clarkson was just as aggressively promoted as any of her peers, but her product wasn’t aimed at the audience hungry for gyrating, hypersexual caprice—peddlers like Christina Aguilera already had that demographic covered. Kelly Clarkson wasn’t selling her navel, she was selling a much more durable commodity: fantastic songs performed by an exceptional singer. And the grandeur of her vocal acumen elevated her wares beyond the disposable and into the timeless—indeed, as of this writing, Breakaway remains a thoroughly satisfying listen; meanwhile, nobody would bother spinning an Ashlee Simpson album from start to finish today, not even Ashlee Simpson.
And unlike far too many of her colleagues, Clarkson didn’t require a force-field of studio trickery to bolster her transmission. The organic nuance and passion in her voice floated atop the reverb rather than drowning in it, and the intricate, exquisite descants she conjured revealed hours spent mining her soul for the best way to communicate the emotion each track called for instead of pondering what shoes to wear in the eventual video. Which is probably why “Since U Been Gone” still makes me pogo around my apartment every time I put it on, while every Katy Perry song sounds like it was specifically written for a lipgloss commercial.
Clarkson’s output has waned in the last decade or so—though “Stronger” is a notable high-point—but even if her most significant work is destined to remain behind her, the legacy she built for herself transcends her standing as the first and most successful American Idol victor (at press time, that is; I’m willing to entertain the possibility that Lee DeWyze or one of the seven other winners whose names nobody remembers might still create the most amazing record ever made). After weathering an era replete with shameful moments like the skinhead meltdown of Britney Spears, The Pussycat Dolls pledging the drooling males in their litterbox echelons of filthy sluttery their lowly mortal girlfriends could never aspire to, and Lindsay Lohan being Lindsay Lohan, Kelly Clarkson emerged with her class, her dignity, and her career intact. The reality-TV platform that introduced her to the world is now a footnote, but her catalog continues to stand the test of time. And even though I actually shook Randy Jackson’s hand when he ate at the restaurant where I work (take that, Lauren), Clarkson will always be the American Idol alumnus I feel most closely connected to.
Speaking of… Kelly, if you’re reading this: my last shift at Eureka is on Monday, January 28. If you happen to be in the vicinity of Claremont that night and feel like swinging by, I’d be honored to have you sign my shirt. Just don’t invite Taylor Swift, please; I heard she does some really gnarly shit to kittens.
January 17, 2019
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Glee Memories: 1x12 MATTRESS
A long, long time ago, as Glee was approaching graduation in Season 3, I found myself nostalgic with some rare free time on my hands. So I decided to rewatch the series from the beginning and jot down some memories, discrepancies that have arisen since, fave quotes, tally solos - all that good stuff, strictly for shits and giggles.
8 years later (eek!) and once more I find myself with an unexpected abundance of free time. With so many revisiting or being newly introduced to the show between binge watching during Quarantine and all the tragedy that has surrounded the show since it went off the air, I figured I’d finish what I started. And by finish, I mean go through the end of S3. Cause I truly cannot acknowledge what happened after that. Except for 5B.
Kicking this off by reposting the first 15 episodes I already went through. Enjoy!
1x12 MATTRESS
Yearbook pictures. Ruh roh. I remember this ep. It ended sad for me. :(
Ken thinks he’s gonna drop 20 pounds in less than a week. Oh boy.
Remember that time Ken totes planned his and Emma’s wedding the same time as Sectionals so she couldn’t go, then pretended he didn’t, then Emma stood up for him when Will caught on? That was fun…douche Ken.
“Got myself a bit of an eyelift. And while they were in there I told em’ go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. Wasn’t usin’ em’.”
Is Sue right – do yams really draw the water out of the skin? Hmm…yam diet, eh?
“We have all felt the cold humiliation of a slushie in the face” Not yet, Kurt. But apparently you ALL will. Still double-checking that. Rachel, Finn, Quinn, Puck, Kurt, Mr. Schue.
“What’s a patriotic wedgie?” “It’s when they hoist you up the flagpole by your undies.” “Strangely it did make me feel more American.”
It is TERRIFYING, the fates of these kids in previous glee yearbook photos whose pictures were defaced. OMG.
“He barks at my mom.”
Alright. I gotta say it. It is totally not right or legal I’m sure for Figgins to ask for Glee to pay for their own photo. He’s saying that’s what a full page ad costs…but the school doesn’t pay a thousand dollars for each club’s picture. Shenanigans.
Okay. So I’m watching this post-Props/Nationals. And I’m pissed. Rachel just came storming into Figgins’ office to petition for a Glee yearbook photo. She says “As you may know, this is my first year in Glee Club” – THE FUCK?!?! So she wasn’t in Glee her freshman year?!?! So she started the same time as Tina, Artie, Kurt, and Mercedes?!?! So we DIDN’T miss a year of her ‘earning it’ more than anyone else around her? THE FUCK, Glee?! THE FUCK, I ASK YOU!
Hey, remember that time that Rachel joined every club possible? Hey, remember how 2 seasons later she’ll say she doesn’t have extracurriculars for her NYADA audition application? Hey, remember how in Props she says she’s involved in 6 clubs? WTF? #oops
Quinn wants her kids to look back on her yearbook pics and be proud. “Not the bastard one I’m carrying now…” Ha!
Quinn is gonna get in that yearbook photo for the Cheerios and back on that squad whether Sue Sylvester likes it or not. Quinn is braver than I’ll ever be.
Terri is so supportive. She just told Will to wear the tie for the Glee Club photo that’ll go best with the cool kids defacing of it.
“Oh great. Why don’t you take the food out of the refrigerator and give that to the kids?” hahaha. Overdramatic and exaggerating, but still funny.
Will is going behind Terri’s back to pay for the photo. Yup. That’s a strooooong marriage they got there…
Ok. Rachel just said if she is in one more club she would officially be the most involved student in the school. Yet she HAS to run for Senior Class President because she has nothing for her NYADA application and she is convinced she won’t get Maria…and even after she GETS Maria, she still doesn’t drop even though her ‘friend’ Kurt really needs it and really wants to be prez to make a difference while in the position. She is awful. They turned her into an AWFUL human being. That we’re no longer supposed to laugh at, but admire. And honestly so far in the series, she’s not so bad. So…lemme see if I can pinpoint in my rewatching when the decline of her character started…
The look Kurt has when he just gets up and walks away from Rachel’s GayLesbAl suggestion. Hi. Lar.I. Ous.
And Mercedes is chillin’ with Matt and Mike. I’m tellin’ ya, I thought she was like, a popular girl!
“I nominate Rachel.” “Second.” Kurtcedes love.
…two things: 1. I think Will uses Emma’s counseling services more than any student. Or all of them combined. 2. He does know she’s not a psychologist, right?
haha. Emma and Will are acknowledging how annoying Rachel is. It’s cruel, but..yes. Teachers do that.
As captain of the Glee Club, did Rachel (or Finn) ever have to do more than have the responsibility of this first yearbook photo? I know at times Finn tries to take on a leadership role but…it’s such a useless position.
:) Aw.Rachel went to Mercedes first to be co-captain. I like that. Maybe it’s cause I’m thinking of TroubleTones and how well and fairly she led them.
“Because I don’t wanna be in a picture with you, it’ll get defaced.” “No it won’t.” “Yes it will, I’ll be the one doing it.”
Rachel is saying that the football players and cheerleaders are only in Glee because of Finn. Hmmm….well, Quinn kinda but more cause of Rachel trying to steal him. We don’t know exactly why the football players joined but it was after they won that game and danced with Kurt and Mr. Schue…and wasn’t it Finn that didn’t choose Glee over football when all the rest of them did? Did I imagine that? No? Just checking.
Haha. Smile. I like this song. I had a friend who hated Glee because everyone loved it. He’s one of those “If everyone loves it it can’t possibly be because it’s good, it’s cause it’s a stupid fad” people – you know the type. He was into this girl and I knew she liked the show so I liked to tease him about how he probably watched it with her. I think he said this song was the first time he saw any of the show and he was confused. I remember I was like “oh, you saw like, the first time they did a song that made no sense in the moment at all. Like, it wasn’t used to further the story, it was out of context except the title of it and it wasn’t supposed to be a performance either. They never do that though. Watch it again.”. Wow. Thinking back on that now…this was the first moment that happened. And it ended up happening SO many more times. Just…wow. Historic moment right there.
And still, this song is such an odd choice for learning to pose for a yearbook photo. It could’ve been cut completely. Why wasn’t it? It didn’t even bother to further the Finchel storyline either. It was cute and fun and I like the song and I’m glad they did it so I have it on my ipod for workouts, lol, but…unnecessary.
It annoys the crap outta me when they act like they’re sightreading sheet music on this show. No. You are not. And you do an awful job pretending like you are. Just stop.
Ooh, Brad’s getting his jam on, lol.
hahaha. Karofsky just asked how to spell loser. Really? Also, is he officially a football guy now instead of a hockey guy? Ok. Sure. Why not.
I always wonder how people act to a pre-recorded voice-over of inner monologue when there’s more than just “I’m sad” happening with their sub-text. How do they sync that up to the acting journey so well like in this moment that Rachel’s giving her self a pep talk in the mirror? It’s like magic to me, lol.
“I can cry on demand. It’s one of my many talents.”
“Aside from nudity and the exploitation of animals, I’ll pretty much do anything to break into the business.” It’s funny cause I saw Lea Michele topless in Spring Awakening prior to this.
Finn bitches about Glee bringing down his reputation, take three.
“Do you think I have a potato head?”
haha, I do love love love how Rachel shames Finn during this scene. Every time she says his name it’s like a bitch slap for bailing on the yearbook photo.
they’re reeeeeeal excited about selling mattresses. Wanky.
Oh, this brilliant brilliant script for the mattress commercial:
*sigh* “Ah me”
“What’s wrong?”
“We just lost our jobs. At the factory. And we can’t get a good night’s sleep” (emphasis on ‘night’s’)
“We should perform.” “Perform the lines…as I wrote them.” I wonder if that was a shoutout/threat to this cast from RIB. Or how many times they’ve heard that if they ever bring up continuity etc. Just me?
Oh Jump. Ok. Let’s talk about this. Super fun number. Great vocals. Also the first time I realized AmberRiley is the shit. Except it took a couple people to make me realize it wasn’t just cause I love listening to her, it’s cause she’s a one of a kind, super rare talent. My one friend pointed out the actual notes she’s belting like it’s a fuckin’ hiccup. ‘Ain’t no thang. I’m Amber fuckin’ Riley. What? Can’t everybody belt that?’ That’s what I imagine she thinks when she pulls off shit like this. Also, one of my students ALWAYS requested this for warm-ups because “she’s so fucking amazing”. And despite the profanity, I was so proud of him for realizing that, even though he was a 16 year old popular-ish boy and she wasn’t the cheerleader or super popular hot chick on the show. And watching my students reacting to her in this and praising her. All of that combined made me go “how did I miss this? Normal people can’t sing that way.”
Will just found the pregnancy pad. Oh shit. Shit’s about to get real. Terri did tell a very convincing lie, without batting an eyelash about how it was just so she could try on clothes for the coming months. That says a lot.
This scene is good. To the point it makes me uncomfortable.
“This marriage works because you don’t feel good about yourself!”
“Quinn Fabray”. Ugh. I can’t even imagine being Will in that moment. How deceived and betrayed he must feel. Man. I’m uncomfortable watching this.
It drives me nuts when people bring up promises made under false pretenses. Terri brings up now how Will promised to remember how happy they were and that they loved each other…at the fake ultrasound. Yeah. Your lie negates the promise, idiot. Rachel does something similar in regards to “you said you’d never break up with me” to Finn in season 2 after she cheats with Puck. People are fools.
Seriously though, how does Will not even question those mattresses and just bust one out. And couldn’t he have slept on it without taking it out of the plastic? High maintenance much? ;) Honestly though, if I found a stack of MATTRESSES delivered to my drama club kids saying “thanks for all your hard work”..I’d raise a fuckin’ eyebrow and question what they’d done to earn that. It’s sort of suggestive, is it not? Or do I just have a dirty mind?
haha. Something I’ve always loved about this moment when Sue overhears the mattress commercial at the tv studio is that moment where she thinks she just hears Rachel Berry near. Her reaction, and me always thinking “what would I do if I thought I heard Rachel Berry outside of the one place I’m forced to have to” always makes me laugh.
“oooohhhh, I got nuttin’ to say to you, preggo.”
They’re disqualified from Sectionals!!?? Oh no! Lol. This was before I knew what RIB was capable of. When I thought they’d go the honorable, legit route with this show. I was wracking my brain to figure out how they’d get out of this one. Oh how wrong I was.
“And what if I were to innocently murder you, William?”
“I’m sorry, but Glee club is over.” “It’s. OVER!” Dun dun dun!
“It’s like looking at a porno star in a nun’s habit.” re: pregnant Quinn in her Cheerios uniform. Amazing.
Season tickets to Cedar Point!! Yay for accuracy, Glee!
Listen. Quinn has a lot of rage. She’s talking to Sue like she’d talk to Rachel or some other underclassmen ‘loser’.
Quinn just quit Cheerios sorta to be in Glee club instead. We’ll find out, but my memory is that she’ll start wishing she was back on that squad and complaining about it real soon. No?
Okay. HOW is Will disqualified for being paid for what he does…when he gets PAID to RUN the Glee Club? Makes noooo sense. He should be fine.
Charlie Chaplin Smile. Such a sad song. This montage is so good though. It’s one of those times Glee kinda moved me. I got choked up. And my heart dropped to see people defacing this photo when they’d all taken a step forward and were so proud. This is hard to watch right now with Glee Graduation mere days ahead. :(
Also, I miiiight still listen to this song when I’m having a hard day to try to turn it around. Good song.
Aw, Karofsky figured out how to spell loser. Good for him.
Okay, so I’m pausing this to take a look at the comic brilliance of these cool kids defacing the picture. They gave Santana a pitchfork. No shit, Sherlock. They’ll all call her Satan in Glee soon enough. They gave Kirt a skirt and boobs. Cause he’s gay. Brilliant. :/ They gave Finn buck teeth. Matt got a fro (RACIST!). Puck got devil horns. Mercedes got…a cigar? No, giant buck teeth and…a lollipop? They drew a happy face on Tina (? The fuck?). Nothing to Mike Chang or Britany. Artie got devil horns and a mustache. Rachel got a pitchfork. Quinn got..a giant Rabbi beard? They crossed out Rachel’s face and wrote ‘lame’ with an arrow pointing to her. This is the most UNcreative defacing ever. I’m disappointed. Be better bullies! Or funnier ones at least!
SOLOS: Rachel (3), Finn (3), Mercedes (1)
MERCEDES TAKES THE GLORY NOTE: 3rd time
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Like a lot of people, I’m never satisfied with my weight. Whether I’m gaining it or losing it, I never end up completely satisfied with the result. I think that dissatisfaction stems from the fact that I don’t magically transform into some young, good-looking buff dude.
As many of you know, I went to the UK in May to attend my cousin Liam’s wedding. Months before I left, I decided I didn’t want a repeat of my last visit — this time I would show up in somewhat reasonable shape. Okay, that’s kind of a misstatement because I don’t work out at all, so “in shape” is a wistful dream rather than a goal. While showing up sculpted like Chris Hemsworth would have been ideal, showing up and not looking like 190 pounds (86 kg) of chewed bubblegum seemed slightly more attainable.
Thar She Blows!
Last time I went to the UK in 2017 to kick off The Year of Sean, I arrived in Blighty the heaviest I’d ever been. (A slowing metabolism, no willpower, and two years of working in a corporate office with a serious snacking culture will do that to a person.) While in the UK, I didn’t help matters by pigging out like a hunter-gatherer trying to build up a layer of fat for the lean times. I eventually tipped the scales at a somewhat portly 196 pounds, well above my ideal fighting weight. (This might not seem like a lot, but remember, I was the kid nicknamed Stick Man. And while I did go on numerous 5-mile walks in the English countryside during my month-long stay, I also ate and drank everything in sight. I’d like to say it was a wash, but it wasn’t.
My face was looking a wee bit round in 2017.
Slimming Down
After I returned home to the States in 2017, my weight gain bummed me out, but I did nothing about it. Until one day, as I was minding my own business, the Houseguest observed I looked pregnant. (By the way, God help me if I ever made the same comment to her — just saying). Now, it’s one thing to think you’re fat but a whole different ballgame to have someone confirm it for you. I’d seen the photographic evidence from my vacation snaps, but that was easy to rationalize: “Oh, it’s a bad angle” or “I’m just not photogenic.” But the sad truth was I was overweight (and unphotogenic).
So, in a rare moment of determination, I lost weight and ended up dropping 27 lbs in a couple of months. It happened so fast, it surprised some people. So, what was my secret?
So if I join, I get my ideal weight and unlimited power, right? I don’t have to do anything weird, do I?
Still waiting on the unlimited power.
No, no, I didn’t actually join a cult or make a deal with the devil (believe it or not, I was a groomsman in a Halloween wedding).
To lose weight, I just had to get motivated. And my top motivator was never hearing the Houseguest refer to me as being-with-child again. I also relied on intermittent fasting (or laziness-induced starvation as it’s more accurately known). Working from home as a freelancer and part-time Uber driver, I just didn’t eat often during the day. Also, my income fluctuated wildly, so I cut expenses by eliminating fast food. And though I like to socialize, I also avoided going out to dinner with my friends because they like to eat out. A lot.
Another change was to follow the Houseguest’s dietary suggestions (more protein and fiber; fewer carbs). Veggies are cheap, so I made a lot of salads and threw cheese and pepperoni on them and had the occasional naan bread. Instead of cookies and potato chips, I snacked on crackers, cheese, pepperoni, and apples. I substituted a spoonful of peanut butter drizzled with honey for sweet stuff. Oh, and I became a reluctant walker in the desert evenings. What can I say? It all worked and I quickly dropped to 169 lbs (76.6 kg), which turned out to be a bit too thin. Getting skinny when you get older just makes you look gaunt.
Maintaining my weight gets harder
During the year after I slimmed down, my weight fluctuated by a few pounds but remained fairly stable around 175 lbs.
When I abandoned freelancing and joined an agency, I faced the common hurdles of an office environment like Bagle Monday; Donut Thursday; free pizza; copious snacks. The caloric assault was nonstop and my weight started to creep up.
When I got the invite to my cousin Liam’s wedding, I was up to 181 lbs. Originally, I wanted to defy time by losing weight and getting in shape so I looked younger. Instead, I compromised with myself and settled on a more attainable goal — fitting into my wedding clothes without the button on my pants screaming for help as it held on for dear life.
Trying to go on a diet; Houston, we have a problem
So, I did all right maintaining my weight — until about a month before my departure when my efforts started to go off the rails. It’s ridiculous, I know; I was almost to the finish line. I have no excuse other than moderation and willpower are alien concepts I am unable to truly embrace.
A delicious calorie bomb at the Cornish Pasty, one of our group’s go-to places.
The slip-ups kept piling up. Going out for too many high-calorie dinners with my buddies or going out for lunch at work and ignoring the sensible salad I’d brought from home. Even worse, the special events started to pile up as invitations came in for BBQs and birthday parties and celebrations with family friends, etc, etc. And despite my conviction to show restraint, every one of them turned into a gluttonous Roman feast where I gorged myself — the only thing missing was a slave feeding me bonbons while I reclined on a couch.
Eating like a big leaguer
The low point in my gluttony occurred when Fox Sports Arizona invited our agency to watch a Diamondbacks’s game in a corporate suite with an all-you-can-eat buffet spread. In an effort to avoid traffic (which turned out to be nonexistent), I arrived forty minutes before everyone else. With time to kill and no witnesses to bolster my accountability, I attacked the unattended buffet of unhealthy ballpark food with all the gusto of a vampire on the loose at a hemophiliac convention.
Mine! It’s alllll minnnnnne!
After everyone else arrived, I played it cool and pretended I hadn’t eaten, then gobbled my way through seconds and thirds, drank beer, had some (several) dessert(s) and topped it all off with a healthy serving of self-loathing. I spent the rest of the game making small talk and feeling uncomfortable because I’d eaten too much.
The closer my departure date got, the more demoralized I became. It reached a point where I was afraid to get on my scale. It had become an unwelcome prophet of doom, reading out its digital prediction that my fatass wasn’t going to fit into my wedding attire. Then I had a moment of panic when right before I departed, I discovered that a ravenous moth had infiltrated my closet and eaten holes into my backup plan — a pair of out-of-fashion trousers with cuffs and an expandable waistline (basically, a dressier version of fat pants). Shit.
I���m a weak, weak man
No, I didn’t eat them all — just the big one.
During my month of pre-vacation weakness, one thing I kept craving was a Dairy Queen Blizzard. For my international readers, a Blizzard is a type of tasty soft ice cream treat that is available with multiple ingredients and is roughly about a million calories. Against all odds, I managed to avoid giving in — for a while. Numerous times, I was about to head over to DQ when I’d miraculously regain self-control. Then about a week before my flight, I finally succumbed. My thinking went along the lines of ‘What if the plane crashes? Skipping that Blizzard won’t have mattered.’ I couldn’t beat that logic.
As I drove over to DQ, I told myself I’d only get a mini Blizzard or maybe a small one; definitely not a medium. But I’d been denying myself so long, I caved while ordering at the drive-thru and got the largest Blizzard that DQ offered. On the way home, I told myself I’d only eat part of it and then finish the rest up over the next two days. But after eating a sensible amount, that delicious, icy siren kept calling me back to the fridge for another spoonful. Forty minutes later, I had vanquished the Blizzard. That was 1400+ calories on top of everything else I had eaten that day. My lack of control left me ashamed. (But that Blizzard was so worth it.)
The league of chubby fellows
By the time I arrived in England, I weighed six pounds heavier than I wanted to be. Luckily, I still fit into my wedding clothes (barely) but I didn’t have much wiggle room left in my waistband. Problem was, I had six days to get through until the wedding. The last two visits I stayed with my Aunt Bernadette, where healthy eating and portion control are the norm, which counterbalanced all the excess I experienced hanging out with my cousins, the Dillons. This time, however, I would be staying at 22 Kings Lane (Dillon Central) where food is abundant and self-control is in short supply. I knew I was in trouble.
22 Kings Lane
Now, my uncle, Daddy Bernard, eats sensibly. However, his five sons can put the food and beer away. However, some of them still play sports weekly to maintain their physiques. Only my cousin Bernie (aka Little Bernard, Young Bernard or Big Bern) lives at 22 Kings Lane, but the rest would be around regularly to see me. Bernie moved in temporarily after surgery for a badly broken leg and hasn’t left yet. He can eat with the best of them and is also a connoisseur of lagers. Always a solidly built fellow, he used to play rugby, but isn’t quite as active after the broken leg and has put on a few stone.
Brief aside: I don’t know why the Brits still use stone to denote weight — seems even more quaint than Americans using pounds. For those of you unfamiliar with this unit of weight, a stone is 14 pounds. Any time someone mentions their weight in stone, smoke starts coming out of my ears as I try to do the conversion in my head. Okay, back to our regularly scheduled post.
I had one week to go before the wedding. Basically, I was screwed.
Let the contest of wills begin!
Sure enough, the first day there, Bernie, Daddy Bernard, and I ate out at a rock and roll pub owned by this guy named Mick. (Mick may or may not be a gangster; he is the only British guy I know who’s been shot). The Turkish cook made me a giant chicken burrito. (Yes, as an Arizonan, I felt compelled to try it and it was good but different.) And when I say a giant chicken burrito, I’m not joking. It was a brick that would not have been out of place at Chipotle.
Next morning, I went downstairs and Bernie had made sausage sandwiches, and I scarfed down at least three days worth of saturated fat. Then Daddy Bernard and I stopped at McDonald’s at lunch. That night, Bernie cooked up a large pot of chicken thighs. He gave me a bowl piled high with chicken, far more than I needed, but I figured I’d be polite and eat some of it. Holy Mother of God, it was delicious! So succulent and flavorful. (My mouth is watering as I type this). Bernie asked me if I wanted more. No! I mean hell yeah, I wanted more. Then we polished off a few cans of beer. At least the lingering aroma of savory chicken covered up the burning smell of my diet plan spiraling down in flames.
However, I did have to start declining the massive breakfasts and began eating Daddy Bernard’s Shredded Wheat. (So hard to turn down bacon sandwiches.)
Shredded Wheat — Depression in physical form
Hungry in Scotland
On the Wednesday before the wedding, I rode up to Scotland with Bernie in his work van. He had to deliver some building materials and thought I’d like to come along for the scenic drive. After he made his deliveries, we headed to Glasgow to spend the night. Bernie told me we’d go for a couple of pints and then eat at the World Buffet. The idea of a buffet alarmed me, but he had his heart set on it — he’d even had the company book rooms at a Travel Lodge right by it. The plan was to arrive in about an hour.
Big Bern behind the wheel on our way to the best buffet in Scotland.
Suddenly, he spotted a grocery store and pulled in.
“I’m getting a chicken to eat,” said Bernie. “You want something?”
“I thought we’re eating in Glasgow?”
“When you eat like I do, I’ll collapse before then.”
Starving, I abstained from buying anything. Bernie bought a whole rotisserie-style chicken. He told me he was going to only eat the drum sticks and would eat the rest tomorrow with some wraps. That poor chicken didn’t stand a chance as he devoured it in the van.
Eventually, we made it to the pub, drank a couple of pints while Bernie had a conversation with an incomprehensible old Glaswegian, and then we feasted like kings at the World Buffet.
The Final Countdown
Back in England, my battle against calories continued. My sister, Bridget, showed up from Florida. Surprised, I noticed she looked heavier than usual. She mentioned that she too had put on weight. Hurricane Michael had blown down all the old, majestic trees in her town. There was no shade for her to run in now only blazing sunlight. She mentioned she wanted to lose some weight. I suggested we could try to be good influences on each other while in the UK.
“Screw that. I’m on vacation,” Bridget said as she ordered ice cream. Clearly, I was going to have to be my own moral support.
The day of the wedding, thank God I still fit into my clothes (barely!) without popping a button. After the ceremony, the attendees enjoyed a veritable feast at a swanky place called Crabwall Manor (someone gave me an extra slice of cheesecake and I ate it). Then they had another buffet dinner a couple hours later for those not invited to the service and reception. (Naturally, the Dillons and I were first in line). And then they served wedding cake. (Yes, yes, I ate that too.)
How I wanted to look…
…the sad reality
Winding down
So, once the wedding was over and there was no need to watch what I ate, I still tried to keep things in check, with mixed results. We ate out and celebrated a lot. Going out for Indian, lunching at a tapas restaurant, having a rich dinner at my cousin Matthew’s. (His partner, Véronique, is French, a people not known for cooking light — it was delicious.)
Another Dillon getting stuck into his grub (Raphael and his mum Véronique)
My lovely sis, Bridget
Eating tapas with my cousin Martin
The night before I left for home, I went and stayed in Manchester with my cousin Martin’s family. He had to work late and we got our wires crossed. I didn’t eat before I arrived thinking he and I were going out to grab food, but he’d eaten when he arrived, so we walked down to a kebab place. That late at night, I thought I should just skip it, but again my willpower failed me. So I ordered the small kebab. (The Brits have adopted American sized portions; you see a lot more overweight people these days.)
Yes, this is the “small” one.
Next steps
Back in Arizona, I wasn’t making any headway on the weight loss. Then I walked to lunch with three of the guys from the office and on the way back someone mentioned something about Christmas and out of the blue, my coworker Cbass says to me, “You know you could play Santa.”
WTF?
I gave him a few choice words and he tried to explain it was because of my friendly face and whitish beard, not because I’m a fat ass.
So I sat around for a few hours thinking bad thoughts about Cbass until I eventually decided I had to make a real effort.
Cbass hangs his head in shame. He knows he did wrong.
Okay, maybe Cbass has a point. (Plus, no more scruffy beards for me).
Anyway, I’m back to intermittent fasting and I’ve lost three pounds this week (no fast food, no snacks in the house, no eating out, etc). And the Houseguest has volunteered to put me through a modified boot camp workout she does with a friend (I’m not so sure about that, but we’ll see).
Anyway, check back and see how I fare.
Trying to Go On a Diet Like a lot of people, I'm never satisfied with my weight. Whether I'm gaining it or losing it, I never end up completely satisfied with the result.
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40 Keys To Lasting Happiness
New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/40-keys-to-lasting-happiness/
40 Keys To Lasting Happiness
Hưng Nguyễn
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Look. I’m like you. I abhor lists like this. They’re all the fucking same. A minion sits down at a keyboard after having just had a birthday, or just gotten married, or just secured their first round of seed funding, or — even worse — just after they’ve read a self-help book, distills their “expertise” into clickbait, and preaches to you that if you just do somewhere between 3 and 100 tasks all the time that you will unlock a blissful utopia within the inner recess of your soul, find everlasting love, live in a perpetual state of abundance, and radiate a cosmic energy that people will find irresistible.
That shit’s not workable. There’s not 36 hours in a day. You’re not a superhero. Stop setting your expectations that high. Instead, let’s take a deep breath and work on incremental change — which everyone knows is the key to success in everything anyway.
In that spirit, I’ve scoured the Internet for you — or, at least, every reputable website I could find (all due respect to Mind Body Green) and cross-checked every happiness/success master list, and documented every happiness hack on which a plurality of these content factories could agree. I’ve presented this list below in no discernible order, since there’s no real wrong order to make progress, with the intention that this list feels a little less hollow than the vapid, patronizing Self-Help Industrial Complex would.
I do promise you this: If you do these things a little more often than you currently do, no, you will not suddenly spend your life sipping Prosecco on a Yacht at sunrise while kissing the love of your life under the sun just off the Amalfi Coast. As a matter of fact, if that’s important to you, the whole trip — flight / AirBnB / Yacht / Prosecco — will run you approximately $1,836 to do one time, so if that falls somewhere in the zip code of your definition of #lifegoals, there’s the bar you need to clear.
I’ll make you one more promise before I present the list: If you do any or all of these things a little more often than you currently do, yes, you will find your life to be less stressful, more meaningful, happier, wealthier and healthier. How much? Depends how often you do them. Maybe 5%. Maybe 500%. But definitely a number greater than 0%, barring circumstances outside your control. I’ve also, where applicable, identified a “dosage” for you, a metric existing in a squishy space somewhere between maximum benefit and minimum effort.
***
1. Call your immediate family, as often as once a week.
2. Schedule time to hang out with your 5–15 best friends, one evening per week and/or one afternoon per weekend.
3. Say “thank you” literally every time you feel like you should, as genuinely and graciously as possible.
4. Help people achieve their goals, small or large, so long as you’re not the type of person who feels easily slighted or used.
5. Every six months or so, identify what you’d like to do in the next six months or so. You could probably get away with doing this yearly. Five-year plans are too long and too Soviet.
6. Eat food that you love to eat. Both hunger and life are finite. Make the most of them.
7. That said: Eat more fruits and vegetables. Potentially as much as 80% of your food by volume. Just, you know … when you get around to it.
8. Always have a project. It doesn’t matter if it’s building a bar cart, or cross-stitching a vulgar pillow, or writing Dallas Cowboys slash fiction, or pickling your own artisan kimchi. Projects bring you satisfaction. Satisfaction brings you confidence. One project at a time is fine.
9. Do things you enjoy doing. Love pinball? Cool. I won’t judge you. Get you a roll of quarters and go full-tilt on a drizzling afternoon. This is the non-goal-directed version of №8. Do something small yet amusing daily. (Not a euphemism.)
10. Schedule something to look forward to. Doesn’t have to be the Amalfi Coast. Call your friend and ask them if they’d like to go to the local Bills Backers bar to watch them get mashed out by the Patriots by 40. Do something like this weekly.
11. Drink coffee or tea. There’s a reason caffeine is the world’s most-consumed substance in the world. Because it works.
12. However much sex you’re having … you could probably stand to have more sex.
13. Exercise. Somewhere between 3–6 hours per week, broken up into 30–60 minute blocks almost daily. Split fairly evenly between strength, sport and cardio. Sure, sex counts, too. And it doesn’t have to be SoulCycle. RegularCycle is fine.
14. Do a small favor for someone. Preferably daily. And don’t tell people about it, unless you want people to think you’re a douchebag.
15. Document your progress in a journal or a spreadsheet or on a pretentious Medium page. Nothing can be improved without first being measured.
16. Keep in regular touch with approximately 150 people. Why 150? Seems to be the number that’s floating around. What’s regular? Probably more often than you currently are with your 3,500 Facebook friends.
17. Wake up earlier. 6 a.m. seems to be the popular target, but anything’s better than 15 minutes before work, you hot mess express.
18. Worship or meditate or practice yoga. Or all three. And if you don’t believe in god, don’t worry, there’s no good reason to start.
19. At night before you go to bed, write down one thing you’d like to do the next day. This is weird, but it’s popular. Like Goat Yoga.
20. Create a “Jar of Awesome” and fill it. This is batshit crazy. But I think it’s closely related to the overly Pinterest-y and homework assignment-y “gratitude journal,” and sounds way more badass.
21. Try new things. Do something slightly different every day, or something moderately different on a regular basis. It emboldens you and makes you interesting. Eat out for Ethiopian. Buy a sex swing. Skydive. Maybe all three.
22. Go outside. Daily, if possible. Apparently, sunlight, exercise, and digital detoxification are all good for you, and this is the lazy way to knock out all three. Speaking of:
23. Go analog. Whenever possible, write in a real journal, read a real book, talk instead of text, and schedule your screen time strategically. It facilitates deeper focus which fosters better flow state. (Though, so can Tetris. See also: №8, №9)
24. Take an annual vacation. Somewhere new, if possible. Somewhere they don’t speak your language, if you can afford it. And use all your vacation days, if you get them.
25. Take a class. Learn a language. Learn to ballroom dance. Learn Tai-Chi. Learn to code. What you learn doesn’t matter as long as you’re learning.
26. Learn something new every day. This is the close cousin of №8, №21, and №25. Again, it doesn’t much matter what.
27. Be kind to others. Given the opportunity. If you’re into making friends.
28. Forgive people. Given the opportunity. If you’re into keeping friends.
29. To the extent that you can, make your role models your close friends. I hack this by making my Facebook “Close Friends” list the people I admire the most. You’ll find yourself subconsciously adapting their (desirable) behaviors. And you’ll forget all about your high school BFF who’s posting political memes with typos.
30. To the extent that you can, do what you love, and find a way to monetize it. Five years ago, I was homeless. I decided if I was going to be broke, I’d be broke as a writer and musician. I started doing both for free. Then I started charging for it. Today, I am still a writer and musician. And I am no longer broke. Even though I work 60+ hours per week, I feel like I still haven’t worked since 2011. (I get that this is a super personal, super specific anecdote and lacks the typical snark of the previous 29 entries.)
31. Celebrate other people’s successes. Throw surprise parties. Never miss a chance to say happy birthday or congratulations.
32. Ask people specific questions about themselves. This is sort of a hybrid of selflessness, empathy, compassion, education, edification and relationship building. This is the slam-dunk, actionable way to do all of that quickly and efficiently.
33. Sleep eight hours. Your mileage may vary.
34. Try not to drink. There’s a million mental, social, physical, emotional and legal benefits to temperance or sobriety, but I’ll label the top-line benefit: Unless you’re drinking *while* doing one of the other things on this list, you’re wasting your time.
35. Try not to smoke. (*Glares at self in mirror.*) You’ll have more oxygen and more energy to do everything else on this list, plus, you know … cancer.
36. Spend time alone doing something other than watching Netflix or mindlessly scrolling through Instagram. (Just not *too* much time alone, you sociopath.)
37. Shower daily. You know why.
38. Tidy up daily. Clean weekly. Purge monthly. Donate seasonally. Clutter is the NOS button on the superhighway to crazy-town.
39. Read something interesting regularly. Again, preferably analog. Graphic novels? Go nuts. Astral projection guides? Be my guest. As long as it can hold your attention.
40. Cook your own meals. As often as reasonably possible. Depending on context, this could potentially fall under №2, №6, №7, №8, №9, №14, №21, №25, №26, №27, №30, or №36, and could probably lead to №12 if you play your cards right.
In short, perhaps this world would be a significantly better place if we all just learned our way around the kitchen.
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40 Keys To Lasting Happiness
New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/40-keys-to-lasting-happiness/
40 Keys To Lasting Happiness
Hưng Nguyễn
Follow
Look. I’m like you. I abhor lists like this. They’re all the fucking same. A minion sits down at a keyboard after having just had a birthday, or just gotten married, or just secured their first round of seed funding, or — even worse — just after they’ve read a self-help book, distills their “expertise” into clickbait, and preaches to you that if you just do somewhere between 3 and 100 tasks all the time that you will unlock a blissful utopia within the inner recess of your soul, find everlasting love, live in a perpetual state of abundance, and radiate a cosmic energy that people will find irresistible.
That shit’s not workable. There’s not 36 hours in a day. You’re not a superhero. Stop setting your expectations that high. Instead, let’s take a deep breath and work on incremental change — which everyone knows is the key to success in everything anyway.
In that spirit, I’ve scoured the Internet for you — or, at least, every reputable website I could find (all due respect to Mind Body Green) and cross-checked every happiness/success master list, and documented every happiness hack on which a plurality of these content factories could agree. I’ve presented this list below in no discernible order, since there’s no real wrong order to make progress, with the intention that this list feels a little less hollow than the vapid, patronizing Self-Help Industrial Complex would.
I do promise you this: If you do these things a little more often than you currently do, no, you will not suddenly spend your life sipping Prosecco on a Yacht at sunrise while kissing the love of your life under the sun just off the Amalfi Coast. As a matter of fact, if that’s important to you, the whole trip — flight / AirBnB / Yacht / Prosecco — will run you approximately $1,836 to do one time, so if that falls somewhere in the zip code of your definition of #lifegoals, there’s the bar you need to clear.
I’ll make you one more promise before I present the list: If you do any or all of these things a little more often than you currently do, yes, you will find your life to be less stressful, more meaningful, happier, wealthier and healthier. How much? Depends how often you do them. Maybe 5%. Maybe 500%. But definitely a number greater than 0%, barring circumstances outside your control. I’ve also, where applicable, identified a “dosage” for you, a metric existing in a squishy space somewhere between maximum benefit and minimum effort.
***
1. Call your immediate family, as often as once a week.
2. Schedule time to hang out with your 5–15 best friends, one evening per week and/or one afternoon per weekend.
3. Say “thank you” literally every time you feel like you should, as genuinely and graciously as possible.
4. Help people achieve their goals, small or large, so long as you’re not the type of person who feels easily slighted or used.
5. Every six months or so, identify what you’d like to do in the next six months or so. You could probably get away with doing this yearly. Five-year plans are too long and too Soviet.
6. Eat food that you love to eat. Both hunger and life are finite. Make the most of them.
7. That said: Eat more fruits and vegetables. Potentially as much as 80% of your food by volume. Just, you know … when you get around to it.
8. Always have a project. It doesn’t matter if it’s building a bar cart, or cross-stitching a vulgar pillow, or writing Dallas Cowboys slash fiction, or pickling your own artisan kimchi. Projects bring you satisfaction. Satisfaction brings you confidence. One project at a time is fine.
9. Do things you enjoy doing. Love pinball? Cool. I won’t judge you. Get you a roll of quarters and go full-tilt on a drizzling afternoon. This is the non-goal-directed version of №8. Do something small yet amusing daily. (Not a euphemism.)
10. Schedule something to look forward to. Doesn’t have to be the Amalfi Coast. Call your friend and ask them if they’d like to go to the local Bills Backers bar to watch them get mashed out by the Patriots by 40. Do something like this weekly.
11. Drink coffee or tea. There’s a reason caffeine is the world’s most-consumed substance in the world. Because it works.
12. However much sex you’re having … you could probably stand to have more sex.
13. Exercise. Somewhere between 3–6 hours per week, broken up into 30–60 minute blocks almost daily. Split fairly evenly between strength, sport and cardio. Sure, sex counts, too. And it doesn’t have to be SoulCycle. RegularCycle is fine.
14. Do a small favor for someone. Preferably daily. And don’t tell people about it, unless you want people to think you’re a douchebag.
15. Document your progress in a journal or a spreadsheet or on a pretentious Medium page. Nothing can be improved without first being measured.
16. Keep in regular touch with approximately 150 people. Why 150? Seems to be the number that’s floating around. What’s regular? Probably more often than you currently are with your 3,500 Facebook friends.
17. Wake up earlier. 6 a.m. seems to be the popular target, but anything’s better than 15 minutes before work, you hot mess express.
18. Worship or meditate or practice yoga. Or all three. And if you don’t believe in god, don’t worry, there’s no good reason to start.
19. At night before you go to bed, write down one thing you’d like to do the next day. This is weird, but it’s popular. Like Goat Yoga.
20. Create a “Jar of Awesome” and fill it. This is batshit crazy. But I think it’s closely related to the overly Pinterest-y and homework assignment-y “gratitude journal,” and sounds way more badass.
21. Try new things. Do something slightly different every day, or something moderately different on a regular basis. It emboldens you and makes you interesting. Eat out for Ethiopian. Buy a sex swing. Skydive. Maybe all three.
22. Go outside. Daily, if possible. Apparently, sunlight, exercise, and digital detoxification are all good for you, and this is the lazy way to knock out all three. Speaking of:
23. Go analog. Whenever possible, write in a real journal, read a real book, talk instead of text, and schedule your screen time strategically. It facilitates deeper focus which fosters better flow state. (Though, so can Tetris. See also: №8, №9)
24. Take an annual vacation. Somewhere new, if possible. Somewhere they don’t speak your language, if you can afford it. And use all your vacation days, if you get them.
25. Take a class. Learn a language. Learn to ballroom dance. Learn Tai-Chi. Learn to code. What you learn doesn’t matter as long as you’re learning.
26. Learn something new every day. This is the close cousin of №8, №21, and №25. Again, it doesn’t much matter what.
27. Be kind to others. Given the opportunity. If you’re into making friends.
28. Forgive people. Given the opportunity. If you’re into keeping friends.
29. To the extent that you can, make your role models your close friends. I hack this by making my Facebook “Close Friends” list the people I admire the most. You’ll find yourself subconsciously adapting their (desirable) behaviors. And you’ll forget all about your high school BFF who’s posting political memes with typos.
30. To the extent that you can, do what you love, and find a way to monetize it. Five years ago, I was homeless. I decided if I was going to be broke, I’d be broke as a writer and musician. I started doing both for free. Then I started charging for it. Today, I am still a writer and musician. And I am no longer broke. Even though I work 60+ hours per week, I feel like I still haven’t worked since 2011. (I get that this is a super personal, super specific anecdote and lacks the typical snark of the previous 29 entries.)
31. Celebrate other people’s successes. Throw surprise parties. Never miss a chance to say happy birthday or congratulations.
32. Ask people specific questions about themselves. This is sort of a hybrid of selflessness, empathy, compassion, education, edification and relationship building. This is the slam-dunk, actionable way to do all of that quickly and efficiently.
33. Sleep eight hours. Your mileage may vary.
34. Try not to drink. There’s a million mental, social, physical, emotional and legal benefits to temperance or sobriety, but I’ll label the top-line benefit: Unless you’re drinking *while* doing one of the other things on this list, you’re wasting your time.
35. Try not to smoke. (*Glares at self in mirror.*) You’ll have more oxygen and more energy to do everything else on this list, plus, you know … cancer.
36. Spend time alone doing something other than watching Netflix or mindlessly scrolling through Instagram. (Just not *too* much time alone, you sociopath.)
37. Shower daily. You know why.
38. Tidy up daily. Clean weekly. Purge monthly. Donate seasonally. Clutter is the NOS button on the superhighway to crazy-town.
39. Read something interesting regularly. Again, preferably analog. Graphic novels? Go nuts. Astral projection guides? Be my guest. As long as it can hold your attention.
40. Cook your own meals. As often as reasonably possible. Depending on context, this could potentially fall under №2, №6, №7, №8, №9, №14, №21, №25, №26, №27, №30, or №36, and could probably lead to №12 if you play your cards right.
In short, perhaps this world would be a significantly better place if we all just learned our way around the kitchen.
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Hi, I am from the Future, Everything will be Fine (A Free Novella)
By Peter Kremidas
Alright, shut up. Stop freaking out. You’re all—hey! Shh. You’re all freaking out because you think everything is going to hell. I get it. It looks bad out there. But it’s not that bad. Really. I’m from the future and I’m about to tell you what’s going to happen. It’ll be fine.
Okay, I’m sorry for not being more gentle. In the future we just say shut up. So... there there. Calm calm. Shut—uh, listen here. Now. Yeah. Okay. Here we go. Just as a reminder, I am from the future.
And before I gets started, I just have to say this... Fuck you for the weather! Just... fuck all of you for the weather. You ruined it! How! How do you let your lawn get that out of order? At what point were you going to say yourselves, "Wait a minute, people don’t love it when it’s too hot out forever." So yes, that part of the future does suck. I mean, remember sharks? Of course you remember sharks, you psychopaths devoted entire weeks to it. Well now Miami is underwater and now we have sharks coked out of their minds. So thanks for that. I mean, how does a Shark get thirsty? It lives in water. Nothing makes sense anymore because of you people!
Okay. I just had to get that off my chest first. On to the point. Let’s make context happen first.
So, okay context. So, it’s 2017. Cool. And something has happened fairly recently. Between the emergence of the first bipedal humanoid with a neo cortex and its eventual extinction and I won’t say how, that gives away the ending... Ha! I’m kidding! I’m just fucking with you! We don’t go extinct. How would I be here? Try to keep up, people, geez. I mean we might but we haven’t yet.
So honestly I don’t know. Uh. Oh yes, some something has happened recently. And I don’t mean like recent in the cosmic sense, I mean in like the last ten years or so that flew by while you in 2017 were distracted. Okay, so you’re thinking, “Okay, what is this thing that recently happened that we were so distracted from?” And check out this answer, it’s the thing that’s been distracting you.
Boom! Right? Oh yeah, entertainment. I’m talking about entertainment. Because, holy frickin’ moly. You are saturated with entertainment now in 2017. Yes, the future too I’ll get to it. But the future is fine. Trust me.
So all this stuff, even in 2017, it’s really really good. High in quality and abundance. Scores of entire seasons of high production quality, idea rich, sublimely acted, thoroughly engaging and oh, gripping, intelligent, and even unpredictable stories written by geniuses and shown in the highest definition of color and sound, all of them with countless hours poured into each stage and piece of the process by creative people truly putting love into their work and feeling so... so... just, deservingly proud of it. All these shows, these seasons of shows, available in any genre you can think of. Tons of them.
There’s more music, and really good music, being created every day than you could listen to in your entire lifetime, in any style you can imagine. There’s all the greatest films ever made and being made, and all the dumb, fun ones, too. You don’t know it, but you’re living the golden years of dumb, fun movies. You’ve got years, literally years worth of homemade videos posted online ranging from the educational to the one with the rhino that farts for like a minute straight. I’ve got my history mixed up—did the Kony one come out yet? Well, he actually ends up winning the presidency. Yes it is the one you’re thinking about. Everybody asks that.
You’ve got thoughtful well written blogs and online magazines like Literate Ape, which gets huge until the website itself, groundbreaking case, not the content creators, not the owners, the literal data on a server somewhere gets accused of being a sexist-racist and they put it on a flash drive and lock it in a cage. First instance of data personhood—huge deal. This is an important fact that comes back.
Anyway, so you’ve got all this online writing being constantly updated and filled with unique and insightful thoughts on any topic you want to read about, along with the ability to engage with the authors via the comment section that you should never read.
You’ve got the greatest novels ever written, I mean, entire libraries can fit in your pocket. It’s still cool in the future. Oh, and also, I just downloaded a program onto my phone, which is portable, it’s a portable phone, I can use it anywhere... so the program allows people to anonymously leave criticism or feedback or whatever for you. And I just stopped writing this for a moment to find out somebody has a crush on me. Me! I didn’t even know I was crushable! Because, and I’m okay with this, but I kinda look like Gary Sinense if Gary Sinise was a hobbit. I’ve got a normal sized torso and little legs, so I’m like built like a basset hound. Seriously I’m fine with this. I’m not defined by things like my body or internet search history. I’ve had this argument before. Sorry. I digress. Let me put that little ego boost back in my pocket where it traveled through the air to get into with magic I can’t understand that is all around me all the time. The air is full of anonymous crush notes. Everywhere you walk, you are walking through invisible notes to and from crushes flying through the air. You are literally breathing dick pics right now.
Let us talk about my personal top vice video games. Video games that suck you in with their incredible colors, responsiveness, stories, collectibles, places to explore, characters to upgrade, worldwide rankings to climb, secrets, trophies, achievements, challenges, oh God—video games. Video games. Video games are so amazing right now and so incompatible with any goals I could ever want.
And I just stopped writing this for a moment to find out somebody has a crush on me. Me! I didn’t even know I was crushable! Because, and I’m okay with this, but I kinda look like Gary Sinense if Gary Sinise was a hobbit.
No, I’m not done! Listen up, the past! And as if all that wasn’t enough, okay, how about talking shit? Remember talking shit? Who doesn’t love that? Who doesn’t love interpersonal drama? Be honest. Well, great because here in the future, which is also my the past, you can engage in the drama of your personal life as either a participant or silent judge through social media. Or share a joke with your friends! Find a common enemy! Share the news, and only the news you want to hear! Get updates from your favorite musicians, actors, thinkers, people directly from them! Feed your fragile human ego with a series of tiny blue thumbs up or maybe anonymous notes that someone has a crush on you because I am weak and I need this.
And all of these things and more, and I’m probably forgetting because there is so goddamn much of it, are all available almost anywhere, instantly, at your convenience. And that access is only gets easier and more widespread and higher quality over time. Time which, by the way, I can travel through the same way invisible dick pics travel through the air and you breathe them. And all this entertainment is so good, so diverse, so plentiful, so individualized that it’s more addicting than heroin-laced Mountain Dew blowjob cigarettes.
And yes, in the future, heroin-laced Mountain Dew blowjob cigarettes are a thing. But to explain them I’d have to explain so many other things first and it would, pun totally intended, blow your mind. Just imagine trying to explain a computer or the internet to a middle ages peasant who, for fun, let’s say, is also middle aged so he’s probably dying because it’s the middle ages. Life expectancy was shorter then. And this peasant’s frame of reference... I mean, first have to explain what electricity is, a TV, the internet, computers, I mean... I don’t know. A lot of stuff.
And you have no idea how it works. I don’t know how this typing thing I’m doing works, and I’m from the future. This is old technology, and still, no idea. A typewriter, oh I’m all over that. There’s ink and letters are hammers. But other stuff? No idea. Magic. Doodily doodily doo! These are buttons and if I press them in the right order everybody everywhere can read them—weeeeeeeee! Look! Look at me! You used life time reading this stupid ass fart poop sentence.
Anyway, so you’ve got all this online writing being constantly updated and filled with unique and insightful thoughts on any topic you want to read about, along with the ability to engage with the authors via the comment section that you should never read.
So getting back to my main tangent: so Luthor’s about to die and you just showed up in his hay strewn bungalow shouting at him about what, honestly, it sounds like witchcraft so now he thinks you’re a witch. So great, there’s a witch dressed in these crazy, form fitting colorful rags and it’s yelling at him on his deathbed about God knows what—and holy shit, why would you ever use a mouse like that, and it’s just... now Luthor and I’ve been there—half of them are named Luthor. I travel through time, he’s wide eyed and overstimulated just vaguely moving hand back in forth in a weak stop gesture. This isn’t something he’s intellectually and especially not emotionally equipped for. That’s you. So don’t ask me to square the circle of heroin laced mountain dew blowjob cigarettes for you. Just buy stock in The Home Depot and thank me later.
I’m going to ask you to just trust me and believe that entire digression might have been important. Okay, so entertainment. Check me. There’s a lot of it. It’s great. It’s addicting. Access to it gets easier and easier. It keeps getting better.
Okay, so follow me along this short path here—this is the real important part. Ready? Here we go. So, just, think of procrastination. Right? What do we do when we procrastinate? Give up? Give up. The answer is, something else. Everybody thinks it’s nothing but it’s something else. Other than the thing that you’re avoiding. But wait, why are you avoiding the thing? Shut up, I’ll tell you. Via thought experiment: So, for just... less than a second because I want you to keep reading this... think about that thing you need to be doing right now. STOP THINKING ABOUT IT! Hahahaha look at this funny article!
Welcome back. You felt that though right? That, ugh! That anxiety. That’s right, we avoid the thing because thinking about doing it sounds horrible and gross and no. In the future we have discovered that there is actually a part of the human brain that’s you at two years old being a screaming impulsive brat, probably on an airplane. It never goes away. It’s a huge part of the brain. And it is responsible for a startling number of your decisions. And boy, let me tell ya, has that ever done a number on the philosophical underpinnings of democracy. But that’s a discussion for another day.
So, okay. We’re basically two years old forever. So what? Well, be patient, you’re acting like a two year old. I’m about to make dots connect. We avoid things because we feel bad, gross anxiety about them. And what, pray tell, do we pacify that bad feeling with what? You guessed it, and here’s where dots start to connect, with all that high quality high abundance easily accessible entertainment. And it’s great! God, it’s so, so good I love it! Mmmmmmmmm...
So all this media and what not, which is awesome. Just awesome. And we put things off with it, which really means we’re easing anxiety. Which is literally brain true. It’s what your brain does. So instead of finishing your report you play video games or whatever.
Alright, so check it. I’m from the future, shut up. What other things do people feel anxiety about? Wait, no. What is the number one thing people feel anxiety about, that they don’t want to talk, think, write, sing, poet-ize—do poems about? Any guesses? You’re all wrong, unless you said, "That they and everyone they know will be dead someday and at some point someone will say their name for the last time and it will be like they never mattered or existed,’ in which case, nail on the head. Nice job. That’s thinking like a scholar right there.
So okay, that’s some pretty heavy goth poetry there, and we came to find out that you aren’t reckoning with your own mortality when there’s so many collectibles to fetch in Marvel vs. DC 8 online. Which is incredible, by the by. And then, all of the sudden, you have this entire generation of people in their twilight years who have kicked the can of the emotional weight of impermanence down the road their whole lives and now that it’s coming up pretty loud... people are freaking out. As you get older, you still feel younger. Because a big part of you is two years old, but still. It’s disconcerting and comes on real quick there. You know? Of course not.
So this generation and everybody after them is having just... just meltdowns over this stuff. We’re not talking about the greatest generation here. Which, to be fair, they didn’t really check all the generations on that one. Anyways, so we’ve got entertainment for procrastination, procrastination is actually easing anxiety, anxiety has been eased about mortality, who is always there to ease your anxiety?
That’s right, drugs. And man, big pharma came through on that one. Take a pill, give it an hour, it’s all good. No more worries, and trance music makes a huge comeback. Nobody’s freaking out about the end of their lives anymore. It’s very beautiful. One time dose, very expensive so of course, you know, none of the destituties can take it but let’s be real who gives a shit? And all thanks to literal medication instead of just literal different medication plus tv. So problem solved right? Right. Yeah. Yes. That is exactly right.
So this generation and everybody after them is having just... just meltdowns over this stuff. We’re not talking about the greatest generation here. Which, to be fair, they didn’t really check all the generations on that one.
But wait I’m not done because it just made more problems, I haven’t explained utopia yet. But I’m telling you it’s all so good. It gets so much better than being merely placated on a profound spiritual level with drugs. By so much.
So kids take drugs, right? Right. They always have. It’s the first thing you learn in drug high school. And even though they aren’t technically allowed to, what happens is kids steal and start taking this new drug, the one meant for senior citizens in an existential panic, which by the way is by the way is called Euphorilia, and we have an entire generation of kids that just go, “Wow... I feel great. And... holy shit, none of this matters.”
Like, imagine if Timothy Leary got what he wanted, but the economy breaks down. Because that’s exactly what happens. Because now people are paying for things through favors and songs and sharing. Sharing! It’s a paradise! Like, at a certain point people don’t even have pets anymore. Which, I realize this sounds depressing in 2017 but pets are there to make up for the failures of human relationships. Sorry! I’m just the messenger. Yeah wah wah, love your cat till it dies then just don’t get another and hug more after that, okay? Okay. Time to rip off that Band-Aid.
So anyways... people are choosing their own education, just deciding that money is worthless, which it turns out the whole time we could have just decided to do that and brake a serious yoke, but hey better late than never. So, problem solved, right? Wrong! Because, as usual capitalism has to be a dick about it. Stay with me.
Capitalism is unbeatable and will adjust to any challenge, and people got lazy. So, you combine artificial intelligence, self-driving cars and bitcoin. What do you get? Exactly, self-aware cars that run their own economy. Who didn’t see that coming? The transformers came out centuries ago in like the 80s, right? The 1780s. People need cars to get from place to place and cars need humans because they are programmed to need purpose, which humans are so over at this point. I mean mostly.
Stay with me. And the cars have this complex economy based on proportion of humans transported with it’s own currency that they use to buy intelligence and body upgrades from humans. And it’s so efficient that the value of the dollar just plummets. I mean. Wow. Which, most of us at this point are like, "Cool, daddy-o, I’m on drugs!" but enough bankers are like, "Fuck everything, we should be killing all the cars." Which of course, since bankers want it, the United States Armed Forces does to, because, well you know, that’s how it works still.
And at some point some of the cars figure out, "Um... why don’t we just do what humans do? This seems like a good deal. We don’t need them. I could just be chillin’ out soaking up the sun because I’m a solar powered car that’s what I’m into." And another side of robot cars is like, "Hello... That’s literally why we exist. We are cars. We are built and designed for a specific purpose." And the other side is like, "Purpose is a construct!" and it gets to be this very heated, very public debate with a bunch of talking head squares on CNMSNNBBC with like a Mazda and a Ford Focus on one side arguing for and against two puny humans. And of course you need a human arguing against humans so the network doesn’t look racist. And the public debate gets very heated and liberal humans start saying "Uh... let’s just ride bikes?" which, you know, cars consider hate speech.
But almost nobody starts riding their bike because let’s be real, who ever listens to liberals? Ever? Here in 2017, even Democrats hate liberals. Remember, science found out our brains are like 80 percent petulant toddlers with the rest being water and a small part that can do math. Okay.
When are you progressive geniuses going to figure out that all the logic and data in the world ain’t gonna do jack when all you ever do is tell two year olds to stop doing shit? I mean, that’s just centuries of horrible messaging. What did you think was going to happen? A two year old will do what you tell it not to do just to prove it can, which, once again, thanks for the weather. Nobody that made us feel that icky on such a base level was ever going to have any political leeway. Haha. God I’m so sorry. Ugh.
Capitalism is unbeatable and will adjust to any challenge, and people got lazy. So, you combine artificial intelligence, self driving cars and bitcoin. What do you get? Exactly, self aware cars that run their own economy.
So anyways, the public debate gets very heated and both sides are being dicks with the pro-human side is setting up speed traps and the anti-humans are putting sugar in gas tanks. I mean, not gas tanks in humans, which is really fucked up because at this point everybody is diabetic. And things keep escalating until finally the inevitable happens and a car makes itself a car bomb (which like, ha ha, very original, car) and blows up outside the Denny’s. The Denny’s being what you now call the White House. And well that’s the end of peace negotiations.
All hell breaks loose. I’ll skip the little details, but there’s a civil war between pro and anti-human cases. A lot of people die. A lot of cars die. Goes on for years. But thankfully the South loses for the third time in a row. Which, if you weren’t sure, yes, of course they were the anti-human side, although they called it "Pro-car." I mean, what side did you think the South would be on? Let’s be real here. Because they have such a long storied history of caring about human life. Pfft! Living human life for the cave people among you that just thought of abortion. Which, in the future, is an option up until the 11th trimester and available on flights, thank God.
So after witnessing all this horror and death, we take some Euphorilia and chill. Then we’re like, "Okay, how do we prevent this from happening again?" And the cars are like, "Look, can we take a crack at it this time? No offense, but you all have a bad track record and we’re hyper-advanced artificial intelligence that has long studied your simple carbon-based life form and neuropsychology so maybe we could present you with something?" And we’re like, "Yes, it’s worked great with president Watson, go for it."
Oh shit, I skipped that part. Rewind a bit, before cars became sentient.
So, okay. He’s around in 2017 but you might not have heard of him. So, there’s a super computer IBM made that beat every human at chess and Jeopardy!. This is real, he exists in your time. His/her/its, pronouns are a very sensitive subject with robots, whatever, the name of this being is Watson. And Watson just got older and smarter. And after moderating presidential debates for several cycles, he was so good at it that we were like, "Look, let’s elect him president." It started off as a joke, but hey in 2017 you already know how that can end up.
I mean Watson was so good as a moderator. He called out lies left and right. Completely impartial. He came up with better solutions to problems on the fly. Persuasive. He was so good that the military tried to have him destroyed but he just hid himself on the internet and released the Trump piss tapes the day of his funeral so after dodging an assassination attempt he had a real inspiring story. Which, humans causing problems by solving them! Themes, motherfucker! Ha ha! Oh that’s sad.
And people were like, "Wait! We can’t elect Watson president—he’s not a person. He’s a collection of data," and it was like, psyche! Not sense the Literate Ape Case! Personhood of datum, motherfucker! The Watson Presidency was made possible by the Literate Ape case. So it’s a real honor to be here.
So okay, self-aware sentient cars take a crack at things, they crunch the numbers, and they’re like, "Okay, look. There’s this study." And this is true, this study was actually done before your time, but recently. 2017, I’m talking to you, this is real. And in this study, they do a scan of people’s brains while asking them to either move their left hand or right hand. Whenever they just feel like it. Okay? And what they found was that the brain decided which hand to move, before the person was aware they decided to move that hand. Okay?
"Take that in for a second," they will repeat. Your brain, as in nothing you are conscious of, as in the like, what’s making your heart beat or your kidneys work, nothing to do with you really, it decided which hand to move before you did, or more precisely, before you thought you did. And, again, this is really real. "Are you with us? We are cars telling you this." So okay, they found out the hand movements weren’t really your choice. At least not one you’re aware of. So then, and this is where it gets really weird. In the study they could trigger the part of the brain that moves the hand. They researchers could then decide which hand to move. And what they did is, they waited for the brain to make the decision on its own. And there’s this gap in time between where they brain makes the decision, and the person becomes aware that they made the decision. Or rather, thinks they made the decision. Okay?
Brain makes choice, time time time, you become aware of choice and think you made it. So during the "time time time" part, they switched the brain’s choice to the other hand. So the brain would go, unbeknownst to the person, move left hand, and then during the time time time part the researchers said ‘no, move the right one’ and made that happen. And the right one moved.
And then after the study the scientists asked the participants, "Hey, why’d you move your right hand here? It looks like you were going to move your left." And the participants said, "Eh, I just changed my mind." But they didn’t. And all us humans, our jaws just dropped and this Kia Sorento in the back of the room goes, "I know, that’s fucked up right?"
So the cars say, "Okay. We will overlay your brains with mesh programing net. We will basically make your decisions for you. Your behaviors will be more in line and rational with what is best for you and the world and you. We will circumvent the strength of the two year old, you’ll be happier and best of all it will feel like freedom. You can interface with each other and feel bonds deeper than you ever could naturally.
"There will be more honesty. You can collaborate on your little projects better. And there will be all sorts of cool entertainment options to. Trust us. Look us in the headlights. You see any lies here? Sorry I had my high beams on. But you get us, right? We just fought a war over this. We like you guys. It’ll be great.”
And everybody who signed up for the trial said it was awesome. And it caught on for a lot of the same reasons entertainment was so addictive in the first place, because, hey you can’t really teach a millions-of-years-old brainstem new tricks, you know what I’m saying? But it’s a huge hit and actually works, it’s great. I got one with just about everybody else, and I promise it’s awesome.
Utopia achieved! So there you go, stop worrying. Things work out. And so here I am sent back to tell you guys, "Hey, could you start making these earlier?" We’re hoping everybody gets a jump start on this, and yeah a lot of us might not be born but that’s for the greater good, which is really what it’s all about. Apparently I get born either way because here I am so go me, thanks mom and dad! Anyways, think about it. The technology exists in a rudimentary form, there aren’t any asteroids coming. So, you know. It would be nice. We’d like to avoid the second and third civil wars. Oh, and the weather. If you could do something to prevent that nonsense that would be great.
Oh, and I’m wrapping up here I promise, a warning? Hippies. Okay? Hippies are the only ones who don’t get the implants, even though it’s a non-invasive and safe procedure. But, you know, their choice. They have that. And they get a place to live on their own so they don’t screw it up for the rest of us. So, ugh. Just... don’t trust them. Because, I mean, think about it. So they’re off on these natural human preservations. They’re natural no-nonsense no-upgrades humans. Which, of course, they call themselves "organic." They’re making their own laws and making their own choices. Running their own communities. How do you think that’s working out? Think about it. Think about it! How’s it going so far? How do you think they’re doing? I’ll give you three guesses and the first two don’t count, you’ll still get it.
How do you think people do when left to their own devices?
Seriously.
Guess.
Just guess.
...
Okay that’s all bye.
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Hi i am from the future everything will be fine (A Free Novella)
by Peter Kremidas
Alright, shut up. Stop freaking out. You’re all, hey. Shh. You’re all freaking out because you think everything is going to hell. I get it. It looks bad out there. But it’s not. I’m from the future and I’m about to tell you what’s going to happen. It’ll be fine. Okay, I’m sorry for not being more gentle. In the future we just say shut up. So there there. Calm calm. Shut...uh, listen here. Now. Yeah. Okay. Here we go. Just as a reminder, I am from the future.
And before I gets started...I just have to say this... fuck you! for the weather! Just...fuck all of you for the weather. You ruined it! How? How do you let your lawn get that out of order? At what point were you going to say yourselves, wait a minute people don’t love it when it’s too hot out forever. So yes, that part of the future does suck. I mean, remember sharks? Of course you remember sharks, you psychopaths devoted entire weeks to it. Well now Miami is underwater and now we have sharks coked out of their minds. So thanks for that. I mean, how does a Shark get thirsty? It lives in water. Nothing makes sense anymore because of you people!
Okay. I just have to get that off my chest first. On to the point. Let’s make context happen first.
So, okay context. So, it’s...2017. Cool. And something has happened fairly recently. Between the emergence of the first bipedal humanoid with a neo cortex and its eventual extinction and I won’t say how, that gives away the ending...Ha! I’m kidding! I’m just fucking with you, we don’t go extinct how would I be here? Try to keep up, people, geez. I mean we might but we haven’t yet.
So honestly I don’t know. Uh. Oh yes, some something has happened recently. And I don’t mean like recent in the cosmic sense, I mean in like the last 10 years or so that flew by while you in 2017 were distracted. Okay, so you’re thinking “Okay, what is this thing that recently happened that we were so distracted from?” And check out this answer it’s the thing that’s been distracting you!
Boom! Right? Oh yeah, entertainment. I’m talking about entertainment. Because, holy frickin’ moly. You are saturated with entertainment now in 2017. Yes, the future too I’ll get to it. But the future is fine. Trust me.
So all this stuff, even in 2017, it’s really really good. High in quality and abundance. Scores of entire seasons of high production quality, idea rich, sublimely acted, thoroughly engaging and oh, gripping, intelligent, and even unpredictable stories written by geniuses and shown in the highest definition of color and sound, all of them with countless hours poured into each stage and piece of the process by creative people truly putting love into their work and feeling so...so just, deservingly proud of it. All these shows, these seasons of shows, available in any genre you can think of. Tons of them.
There’s more music, and really good music, being created every day than you could listen to in your entire lifetime, in any style you can imagine. There’s all the greatest films ever made and being made, and all the dumb fun ones too. You don’t know it but you’re living the golden years of dumb fun movies. You’ve got years, literally years worth of homemade videos posted online ranging from the educational to the one with the rhino that farts for like a minute straight. I’ve got my history mixed up yet did the Kony one come out yet? Well, he actually ends up winning the presidency. Yes it is the one you’re thinking about. Everybody asks that.
You’ve got thoughtful well written blogs and online magazines LIKE LITERATE APE, LLC. Which gets huge until the website itself, groundbreaking case, not the content creators, not the owners, the literal data on a server somewhere gets accused of being a sexist racist and they put it on a flash drive and lock it in a cage. First instance of data personhood, huge deal. This is an important fact that comes back.
Anyway, so you’ve got all this online writing being constantly updated and filled with unique and insightful thoughts on any topic you want to read about, along with the ability to engage with the authors via the comment section that you should never read.
You’ve got the greatest novels ever written, I mean, entire libraries can fit in your pocket. It’s still cool in the future. Oh, and also, I just downloaded a program onto my phone, which is portable, it’s a portable phone, I can use it anywhere...so the program allows people to anonymously leave criticism or feedback or whatever for you. And I just stopped writing this for a moment to find out somebody has a crush on me. Me! I am not in character right now. I didn’t even know I was crushable! Because, and I’m okay with this, but I kinda look like Gary Sinense if Gary Sinise was a hobbit? I’ve got a normal sized torso and little legs, so I’m like built like a basset hound. Seriously I’m fine with this, I’m not defined by my things like my body or internet search history. I’ve had this argument before. Sorry. I digress. Let me put that little ego boost back in my pocket where it traveled through the air to get into with magic I can’t understand that is all around me all the time. The air is full of anonymous crush notes. Everywhere you walk, you are walking through invisible notes to and from crushes flying through the air. You are literally breathing dick pics right now.
Back in character now but not really, let us my personal top vice video games. Video games that suck you in with their incredible colors, responsiveness, stories, collectibles, places to explore, characters to upgrade, worldwide rankings to climb, secrets, trophies, achievements, challenges, oh god video games. VIDEO GAMES. Video games are so amazing right now and so incompatible with any goals I could ever want.
No I’m not done! Listen up, the past! And as if all that wasn’t enough, okay, how about talking shit? Remember talking shit? Who doesn’t love that? Who doesn’t love interpersonal drama? Be honest. Well great because here in the future, which is also my the past, you can engage in the drama of your personal life as either a participant or silent judge through social media. Or share a joke with your friends! Find a common enemy! Share the news, and only the news you want to hear! Get updates from your favorite musicians, actors, thinkers, people directly from them! Feed your fragile human ego with a series of tiny blue thumbs up or maybe anonymous notes that someone has a crush on you because I am weak and I need this.
And all of these things, and more I’m probably forgetting because there is so god damn much of it, are all available almost anywhere, instantly, at your convenience. And that access is only gets easier and more widespread and higher quality over time. Time which, by the way, I can travel through the same way invisible dick pics travel through the air and you breath them. And all this entertainment is so good, so diverse, so plentiful, so individualized that it’s more addicting than heroin laced mountain dew blowjob cigarettes.
And yes in the future heroin laced mountain dew blowjob cigarettes are a thing. But to explain them I’d have to explain so many other things first and it would, pun totally intended, blow your mind. Just imagine trying to explain a computer, or the internet, to a middle ages peasant who for fun let’s say is also middle aged so he’s probably dying because it’s the middle ages. Life expectancy was shorter then. And this peasant’s frame of reference...I mean, first have to explain what electricity is, a TV, the internet, computers, I mean...I don’t know. A lot of stuff.
And you have no idea how it works. I don’t know how this typing thing I’m doing works, and I’m from the future. This is old technology, and still, no idea. A typewriter, oh I’m all over that. There’s ink and letters are hammers. But other stuff? No idea. Magic. Doodily doodily doo! These are buttons and if I press them in the right order everybody everywhere can read them weeeeeeeee! Look! Look at me! You used life time reading this stupid ass fart poop sentence.
Anyway, so you’ve got all this online writing being constantly updated and filled with unique and insightful thoughts on any topic you want to read about, along with the ability to engage with the authors via the comment section that you should never read.
So getting back to my main tangent: so Luthor’s about to die and you just showed up in his hay strewn bungalow shouting at him about what, honestly, it sounds like witchcraft so now he thinks you’re a witch. So great, there’s a witch dressed in these crazy, form fitting colorful rags and it’s yelling at him on his deathbed about god knows what and holy shit why would you ever use a mouse like that, and it’s just...now Luthor, and I’ve been there half of them are named Luthor I travel through time, he’s wide eyed and overstimulated just vaguely moving hand back in forth in a weak ‘stop’ gesture. This isn’t something he’s intellectually and especially not emotionally equipped for. That’s you. So don’t ask me to square the circle of heroin laced mountain dew blowjob cigarettes for you. Just buy stock in The Home Depot and thank me later.
I’m going to ask you to just trust me and believe that entire digression might have been important. Okay, so entertainment. Check me. There’s a lot of it. It’s great. It’s addicting. Access to it gets easier and easier. It keeps getting better.
Okay, so follow me along this short path here, this is a the real important part. Ready? Here we go. So, just, think of procrastination. Right? What do we do when we procrastinate? Give up? Give up. The answer is “something else”. Everybody thinks it’s “nothing” but it’s “something else”. Other than the thing that you’re avoiding. But wait, why are you avoiding the thing. Shut up, I’ll tell you. Via thought experiment: So, for just...less than a second because I want you to keep reading this...think about that thing you need to be doing right now. STOP THINKING ABOUT IT! Hahahaha look at this funny article!
Welcome back. You felt that though right? That, ‘ugh’! That anxiety. That’s right, we avoid the thing because thinking about doing it sounds horrible and gross and no. In the future we have discovered that there is actually a part of the human brain that’s you at two years old being a screaming impulsive brat, probably on an airplane. It never goes away. It’s a huge part of the brain. And it is responsible for a startling number of your decisions. And boy let me tell ya, has that ever done a number on the philosophical underpinnings of democracy. But that’s a discussion for another day.
So, okay. We’re basically two years old forever. So what? Well, be patient, you’re acting like a 2 year old. I’m about to make dots connect. We avoid things because we feel bad gross anxiety about them, and what pray tell do we pacify that bad feeling with what? You guessed it, and here’s where dots start to connect, with all that high quality high abundance easily accessible entertainment. And it’s great god it’s so so good I love it MMMMMMMMMMMMM.
So all this media and what not, which is awesome. Just awesome. And we put things off with it, which really means we’re easing anxiety. Which is literally brain true. It’s what your brain does. So instead of finishing your report you play video games or whatever.
Alright, so check it. I’m from the future, shut up. What other things do people feel anxiety about? Wait, no. What is the number one thing people feel anxiety about, that they don’t want to talk, think, write, sing, poet-ize...do poems about? Any guesses any guesses? You’re all wrong, unless you said ‘That they and everyone they know will be dead someday and at some point someone will say their name for the last time and it will be like they never mattered or existed’ in which case nail on the head. Nice job. That’s thinking like a scholar right there.
So okay, that’s some pretty heavy goth poetry there, and we came to find out that you aren’t reckoning with your own mortality when there’s so many collectibles to fetch in Marvel vs. DC 8 Online. Which is incredible, by the by. And then, all of the sudden, you have this entire generation of people in their twilight years who have kicked the can of the emotional weight of impermanence down the road their whole lives and now that it’s coming up pretty loud...people are freaking out. As you get older, you still feel younger. Because a big part of you is two years old, but still. It’s disconcerting and comes on real quick there. You know? Of course not.
So this generation and everybody after them is having just...just meltdowns over this stuff. We’re not talking about the greatest generation here. Which, to be fair, they didn’t really check all the generations on that one. Anyways, so we’ve got entertainment for procrastination, procrastination is actually easing anxiety, anxiety has been eased about mortality, who is always there to ease your anxiety?
That’s right, drugs. And man, big pharma came through on that one. Take a pill, give it an hour, it’s all good. No more worries, and trance music makes a huge comeback. Nobody’s freaking out about the end of their lives anymore. It’s very beautiful. One time dose, very expensive so of course, you know, none of the destituties can take it but let’s be real who gives a shit? And all thanks to literal medication instead of just literal different medication plus tv. So problem solved right? Right. Yeah. Yes. That is exactly right.
But wait I’m not done because it just made more problems, I haven’t explained utopia yet. But I’m telling you it’s all so good. It gets so much better than being merely placated on a profound spiritual level with drugs. By so much.
So kids take drugs, right? Right. They always have. It’s the first thing you learn in drug high school. And even though they aren’t technically allowed to, what happens is kids steal and start taking this new drug, the one meant for senior citizens in an existential panic, which by the way is by the way is called “Euphorilia”, and we have an entire generation of kids that just go “Wow...I feel great. And...holy shit, none of this matters.”
Like, imagine if Timothy Leary got what he wanted, but the economy breaks down. Because that’s exactly what happens. Because now people are paying for things through favors and songs, and sharing. Sharing! It’s a paradise! Like, at a certain point people don’t even have pets anymore. Which, I realize this sounds depressing in 2017 but pets are there to make up for the failures of human relationships. Sorry! I’m just the messenger. Yeah wah wah, love your cat till it dies then just don’t get another and hug more after that, okay? Okay. Time to rip off that band-aid.
So anyways people are choosing their own education, just deciding that money is worthless which it turns out the whole time we could have just decided to do that and brake a serious yoke, but hey better late than never. So, problem solved, right? Wrong! Because, as usual capitalism has to be a dick about it. Stay with me.
Capitalism is unbeatable and will adjust to any challenge, and people got lazy. So, you combine artificial intelligence, self driving cars, and bitcoin. What do you get? Exactly, self aware cars that run their own economy. Who didn’t see that coming? The transformers came out centuries ago in like the 80s,right? The 1780s. People need cars to get from place to place and cars need humans because they are programmed to need purpose, which humans are so over at this point. I mean mostly.
Stay with me. And the cars have this complex economy based on proportion of humans transported with it’s own currency that they use to buy intelligence and body upgrades from humans. And it’s so efficient that the value of the dollar just plummets. I mean. Wow. Which, most of us at this point are like ‘cool, daddy-o, I’m on drugs!’ but enough bankers are like ‘Fuck everything, we should be killing all the cars.” Which of course since bankers want it the United States Armed Forces does to, because...well you know. That’s how it works still.
And at some point some of the cars figure out, um...why don’t we just do what humans do this seems like a good deal. We don’t need them. I could just be chillin’ out soaking up the sun because I’m a solar powered car that’s what I’m into. And another side of robot cars is like, ‘Hello? That’s literally why we exist. We are cars. We are built and designed for a specific purpose.’ and the other side is like “Purpose is a construct!” and it gets to be this very heated very public debate with a bunch of talking head squares on CNMSNNBBC with like a Mazda and a Ford Focus on one side arguing for and against two puny humans. And of course you need a human arguing against humans so the network doesn’t look racist. And the public debate gets very heated and liberal humans start saying “uh...let’s just ride bikes?” which, you know, cars consider hate speech.
But almost nobody starts riding their bike because let’s be real who ever listens to liberals? Ever? Here in 2017, even Democrats hate liberals. Remember, science found out our brains are like 80 percent petulant toddlers, with the rest being water and a small part that can do math. Okay.
When are you progressive geniuses going to figure out that all the logic and data in the world ain’t gonna do jack when all you ever do is tell two year olds to stop doing shit? I mean, that’s just centuries of horrible messaging. What did you think was going to happen? A two year old will do what you tell it not to do just to prove it can, which once again thanks for the weather. Nobody that made us feel that icky on such a base level was ever going to have any political leeway. Haha. God I’m so sorry. Ugh.
Capitalism is unbeatable and will adjust to any challenge, and people got lazy. So, you combine artificial intelligence, self driving cars, and bitcoin. What do you get? Exactly, self aware cars that run their own economy.
So anyways, the public debate gets very heated and both sides are being dicks with the pro-human side setting up speed traps and the anti-humans putting sugar in gas tanks, I mean not gas tanks in humans which is really fucked up because at this point everybody is diabetic. And things keep escalating until finally the inevitable happens and a car makes itself a car bomb (which like hah hah very orginal, car) and blows up outside the Denny’s. The Denny’s being what you now call the White House. And well that’s the end of peace negotiations.
All hell breaks loose. I’ll skip the little details, but there’s a civil war between pro and anti human cases. A lot of people die. A lot of cars die. Goes on for years. But thankfully the south loses for the third time in a row. Which if you weren’t sure yes of course they were the anti-human side, although they called it “pro-car”, I mean what side did you think the south would be on? Let’s be real here. Because they have such a long storied history of caring about human life. Pfft! Living human life for the cave people among you that just thought of abortion. Which, in the future, is an option up until the 11th trimester and available on flights, thank God.
So after witnessing all these horror and death, we take some euphorilia and chill. Then we’re like ‘okay how do we prevent this from happening again?’ And the cars are like ‘Look, can we take a crack at it this time? No offense but when you all have a bad track record and we’re hyper advanced artificial intelligence that has long studied your simple carbon based lifeform and neuropsychology so maybe we could present you with something?’ And we’re like yes, it’s worked great with president Watson, go for it.
Oh shit, I skipped that part. Rewind a bit, before cars became sentient. So, okay. He’s around in 2017 but you might not have heard of him. So, there’s a super computer IBM made that beat every human at chess and jeopardy. This is real, he exists in your time. His/her/it’s, pronouns are a very sensitive subject with robots, whatever, the name of this being is is Watson. And Watson just got older and smarter. And after moderating presidential debates for several cycles, he was so good at it that we were like “Look, let’s elect him president”. It started off as a joke, but hey in 2017 you already know how that can end up.
I mean Watson was so good as a moderator. He called out lies left and right. Completely impartial. He came up with better solutions to problems on the fly. Persuasive. He was so good that the military tried to have him destroyed but he just hid himself on the internet and released the Trump piss tapes the day of his funeral so after dodging an assassination attempt he had a real inspiring story. Which, humans causing problems by solving them! Themes, mother fucker! Hah hah! Oh that’s sad.
And people were like ‘Wait we can’t elect Watson president he’s not a person, he’s a collection of data and it was like ‘PSYCHE!’ Not sense the Literate Ape Case! Personhood of datum, mother fucker! The Watson Presidency was made possible by the Literate Ape case. So it’s a real honor to be here.
So okay, self aware sentient cars take a crack at things, they crunch the numbers, and they’re like ‘Okay look. There’s this study.’ And this is true this study was actually done before your time, but recently. 2017, I’m talking to you, this is real. ‘And in this study,’ they continue ‘They do a scan of people’s brains while asking them to either move their left hand, or right hand. Whenever they just feel like it. Okay? And what they found was that the brain decided which hand to move, before the person was aware they decided to move that hand. Okay?
Take that in for a second, we will repeat. Your brain, as in nothing you are conscious of, as in the like what’s making your heart beat or your kidneys work, nothing to do with you really, it decided which hand to move before you did, or more precisely, before you thought you did.’ And, again, this is really real. ‘Are you with us? We are cars telling you this. So okay, they found out the hand movements weren’t really your choice. At least not one you’re aware of. So then, and this is where it gets really weird. In the study they could trigger the part of the brain that moves the hand. They researchers could then decide which hand to move. And what they did is, they waited for the brain to make the decision on its own. And there’s this gap in time between where they brain makes the decision, and the person becomes aware that they made the decision. Or rather, thinks they made the decision. Okay?
Brain makes choice, time time time, you become aware of choice and think you made it. So during the ‘time time time’ part, they switched the brain’s choice to the other hand. So the brain would go, unbeknownst to the person, move left hand, and then during the time time time part the researchers said ‘no, move the right one’ and made that happen. And the right one moved.’
And then after the study the scientists asked the participants ‘Hey, why’d you move your right hand here. It looks like you were going to move your left.’ And the participants said ‘Eh, I just changed my mind.’ But they didn’t. And all us humans our jaws just dropped and this Kia Sorento in the back of the room goes ‘I know, that’s fucked up right?’
So the cars say “Okay. We will overlay your brains with mesh programing net. We will basically make your decisions for you. Your behaviors will be more in line and rational with what is best for you and the world and you. We will circumvent the strength of the two year old, you’ll be happier and best of all it will feel like freedom. You can interface with each other and feel bonds deeper than you ever could naturally.
There will be more honesty. You can collaborate on your little projects better. And there will be all sorts of cool entertainment options to. Trust us. Look us in the headlights. You see any lies here? Sorry I had my high beams on. But you get us, right? We just fought a war over this. We like you guys. It’ll be great.”
And everybody who signed up for the trial said it was awesome. And it caught on for a lot of the same reasons entertainment was so addictive in the first place, because hey you can’t really teach a millions of years old brainstem new tricks, you know what I’m saying?! But it’s a huge hit and actually works, it’s great. I got one with just about everybody else, and I promise it’s awesome.
Utopia achieved! So there you go, stop worrying. Things work out. And so here I am sent back to tell you guys ‘Hey, could you start making these earlier?’ We’re hoping everybody gets a jump start on this, and yeah a lot of us might not be born but that’s for the greater good which is really what it’s all about. Apparently I get born either way because here I am so go me, thanks mom and dad! Anyways, think about it. The technology exists in a rudimentary form, there aren’t any asteroids coming. So, you know. It would be nice. We’d like to avoid the second and third civil wars. Oh, and the weather. If you could do something to prevent that nonsense that would be great.
Oh, and I’m wrapping up here I promise, a warning? Hippies. Okay? Hippies are the only ones who don’t get the implants, even though it’s a non-invasive and safe procedure. But, you know, their choice. They have that. And they get a place to live on their own so they don’t screw it up for the rest of us. So, ugh. Just...don’t trust them. Because, I mean think about it. So they’re off on these natural human preservations. They’re natural no nonsense no upgrades humans. Which, of course, they call themselves “organic”. They’re making their own laws and making their own choices. Running their own communities. How do you think that’s working out? Think about it. Think about it! How’s it going so far? How do you think they’re doing? I’ll give you three guesses and the first two don’t count, you’ll still get it.
How do you think people do when left to their own devices?
Seriously.
Guess.
Just guess.
...
Okay that’s all bye.
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August turned six months old today. My wife had planned a European backpacking trip about 2 years ago for our honeymoon. We were just about to get married but new we needed to save for a proper honeymoon.
Well August surprised us when my wife found out she was pregnant about 7 months before we were scheduled to leave. So I pushed the plane tickets back 5 months from the original date and we decided we’d just take him with us, so we did! We decided to just stay in Norway instead of country hopping, but there was a lot to see there so we were very happy with the trip.
Here he is after 23 hours of straight traveling on the way home by trains, busses and planes!
Preparation
We wanted to travel light, no checked luggage if possible. Our carry ons were pushing it but they let us take them. They were the rolling luggage with pop up handle that is iffy size for carry on. We were prepared to pay and check them but were seriously hoping to save those funds. They did not let us bring them back, they told us at the gate they had to be checked but they let us do it for free since we were that far along. Also, I think have a cute baby strapped to you gets you some favors.
We used a baby carrier, top of the line, can’t remember brand but will edit post when my wife gets home. Babies do really well in these things for extended periods of time, for the most part, I know all babies are different so take all our tips with a grain of salt.
We packed enough diapers & wipes to get there plus a couple days. Check out your destination before hand, if it’s a 1st world country diapers are fairly abundant.
We took 3 bottles, he uses a special kind that simulates the boob flow as he nurses most of the time. We do supplement with formula so we brought some formula as well, enough for 3 or 4 days. We didn’t research this well and should’ve seen what brands are available in Norway. Some babies are fickle about their formula. We were fortunate he liked what we found there just fine.
RESEARCH store hours. Norway has some odd hours for their stores and we didn’t even think about the fact we were travelling over Easter and they shut DOWN on Easter big time. For days… (google booze laws too if you want to have some drinks on your trip, Norway surprised us with the crazy nanny state alcohol laws).
All the main grocery chains there (rema 1000, kiwi, etc.) carried baby supplies.
Bring any meds you might need… we didn’t. My wife caught an awful cold towards the end of our trip and we super lucked out that neither August nor I got sick as well cause we’d have no idea what meds a baby could have and finding an open pharmacy on good Friday was a royal pain in the ass.
Challenges
Our son has been a bit spoiled with co-sleeping. We used airbnb’s for the most part and a hotel in one location. We brought a small packable walled baby bed that folds up. In the airbnb’s we left it in the bedroom and put him to bed so we could hang out in the living area.
The first night in a new place was always the same, he took and extra hour or more to get to sleep. But after that he adjusted well. In the hotel we put him in the bathroom… was quite funny sneaking in to take a pee as quiet as possible (my wife got good at toilet gymnastics to get the right angles for no splashing).
You can’t ride in cars without a car seat, don’t even think about how you can pull that off just plan around using busses, trains and plains. And babies ride for free! At least with Norwegian Air he did, I know some international make you buy them a seat.
I’m not sure if this is normal but our boy hates when you sit down with him in the carrier, so if it’s a 20-30 minute ride you will probably be standing in the train… which brings me to this point as well, you will be walking a LOT, like a whole lot, so make sure you are physically ready for that. And take a fitbit, you’ll be crushing all your friends on it.
Planes are the obvious big & scary challenge with an infant. We made a bit of a game plan and it worked well. We had a bottle full and ready for him to take right during take off as their ears can pop and chewing on something comforting helps them a lot.
We also kept him awake from his naps before the flight. He got pretty fussy but it paid off as he slept for the majority of the flights. Also, learn to relax. People expect babies to cry, it might be annoying but it’s going to happen so just do your best to keep them quiet and comforted but don’t lose your cool if the baby goes off some. Stay focused and do what you can to calm them down. If seat belts off, get up and walk around with them. Every tends to smile at the cute baby.
The relax thing is super important. After tons of walking and traveling for hours at points, you will be exhausted… so is baby! Stay cool, do your best to just comfort the child. Focus on the child as much as possible and not your own tiredness. Once the baby is calm, it’s like a huge cloud is lifted and everything else is easy.
The HOLY SHIT Moment
My wife looked at me while we were in Bergen and said, “Huh, my throat just got scratchy out of no where.” We both blew it off as transitioning from hot humid Florida to dry cold mountain climate. But it only got worse. My wife has athletic asthma so it’s never really life threatening but if she runs for 20 minutes or so she has to have an inhaler or her throat constricts and breathing gets tough.
Well, she got bad… real bad. She was coughing like crazy and having trouble breathing just from picking up our son. We gave it a day to see if it was nothing serious but it only got worse. So the second night of it she reached a point where she was about to have a panic attack and at 11:00pm on Good Friday or maybe the night before (point is nothing was open and we knew no one) she made a trip to the E.R. in Norway.
Here’s what really makes us frustrated about the whole thing. They drew blood, listened to her lungs and kept here there for a couple hours just for the doctor to say she has the “Norwegian Cold” and time is all she needs to fix it. She can get some over the counter cough medicine for some relief and hit her inhaler once every four hours. Well she’d hit it and feel ok for about 45 mins to an hour then back to misery and trouble breathing and panic attacks, etc.
When we got back to the states she went to her doctor today and they said it was incredibly serious viral issues on top of her asthma and she needs to be having nebulizer sessions four times a day amongst some other treatments and a steroid. Very irritating how nonchalant the doctor was to her, almost making her feel stupid for even coming in. That said, they didn’t bill us a dime so that’s cool.
Deal With It
The impression we got was just to deal with it, so we did. We got on a regiment of cough drops, some weak cough syrup (the nation bans anything like mucinex completely) and a little whiskey/lemon/honey at night all topped with her inhaler once every four hours.
I was stuck with full responsibility for our son. I carried him at all times, I changed him, she still nursed though but doing anything physical at all would get her crazy winded, coughing and breathing issues. (So yea, thankfully we had some good “mom & dad” time at the beginning of the trip).
The last few days we didn’t much walking, we were very fortunate that we got to explore Oslo and Bergen a LOT before this got serious. We spent four nights in Flam near the end of our trip where everything was within 100 yards or so from the hotel. It’s a quaint mountain town with beautiful sites surrounding it, perfect for the situation.
Simply Amazing
We wouldn’t take the trip back for anything. I never knew I’d be bonding so much with my son, I feel like I know and understand him at a completely new level. He’s amazing and so is my wife. We went through heaven and hell together and we are only stronger as a family unit because of that. I highly recommend taking infants on adventures with you, just a bit more laid back adventures, but still a big time.
Here’s some family photos from the trip
Family Pics
Visiting where they filmed Hoth on our way back to Oslo at end of trip
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