Hey what’s up Tumblr it’s been a little while

I haven’t made an actual post besides reblogging my girlfriend’s art on here in a good few years and I figured with seeing how Twitter is doing these days, now might be a good time to post a big-ass update.

NUMBER ONE:

My YouTube channel is doing well! I just posted this big huge sexy video about emulation and why you should do it and why it isn’t illegal (if you do it the right way). I’m super proud of it. Check it out!

In addition, I have uploaded a few other videos since my last post that I think (most of) are pretty cool, so if you enjoy this one I implore you to give the rest of my channel a shot.

Here’s one of my favorites.

Here’s another one for good measure.

NUMBER TWO:

Since my last post, I have also made a significant change to the way my streams are broadcasted. Up until last month, I used Twitch for all of my streaming endeavors. I did decently well for myself, met some great people, made some amazing friends, and even received a handful of payouts. I already made a big announcement video going into greater detail about this, but the short version is I am no longer on Twitch. I decided I didn’t like splitting my attention between Twitch and YouTube, so I have fully moved over to streaming on YouTube. It was a big change considering how long I’ve been on Twitch, but I am confident in my decision.

If you would like to see the farewell stream I did announcing all of this and going into greater detail as well as answering some questions, that’s right here.

NUMBER THREE:

I have been doing art still! I don’t do it particularly often, but I have a couple pieces I’m willing to share with you today. I’ll likely make separate posts for these later on, but I’ll stick them here in the meantime to make my post look longer than it actually is.

The first one is Marie from Splatoon! This is part of a collab I did with @skyeroxy where she sketched both Squid Sisters, and we each painted one. I am incredibly happy with how the collab turned out and I think I did a good job with Marie. I would hope so, because she’s my favorite.

Earlier in the year I also took a crack at drawing Captain Amelia from Treasure Planet. I rewatched the movie on a whim one day and each time I do it only solidifies the fact that it’s my favorite animated Disney movie, it just doesn’t get old.

Once again, these (and a few others) will get their own posts probably later in the week.

NUMBER FOUR:

Just kidding there isn’t a fourth point. I would just like to reiterate that yes, I will likely be more active on here than I have been. Even if Twitter doesn’t fizzle out in the next few days I really enjoy the much more relaxed atmosphere that exists on this site, so I’ll probably spend less time on Twitter and more time here regardless of what happens.

I have two blogs, there’s this one and my side blog.

I will reserve this blog for serious announcements like videos and maybe stream alerts (which will be deleted after the corresponding streams have concluded). My side blog is for frequent reblogging of things I enjoy like video games, memes, cool art, you get the idea. Basically retweeting on cocaine. If Twitter really truly does go down in a pit of flames, I’ll use my main account (this one) to post random bullshit thoughts and opinions and jokes and whatever else I do on my Twitter currently.

Aaaand for good measure, some links:

YouTube (Main Channel) // (Live)

YouTube (Stream Archive)

TikTok (FUCK this website I just post clips from my streams on it)

Twitter (A bit redundant to put this here but hey, it’s here)

I am technically available on other sites, like my Twitch account is still around, but these are the ONLY ones where you’ll find me active in any capacity. I still use Twitch but only as a viewer these days.

I’m working on a new public Discord server as well, I’ll post the invite to that when I feel it is ready. It’s coming along.

Alright, that’s it. Thank you for reading.

:]

Gonna say something about Soup.io real quick

Ok maybe not-so-real-quick. Hooboy. Where do I even begin?

It was my LIFE for a significantly long time. It was my anti-Tumblr before I even got a Tumblr. It was a safe haven to upload things I don't really wanna share with my friends.

Starting from the early 2010s I've been trying A LOT of alternatives for popular sites, some are thankfully stable, most of them aren't. For the longest time I thought Soup was one of the most stable sites I could rely on & it did prove me right for many years. Like, whenever an alternative site failed on me I'll always store a backup of whatever important posts I have there on Soup.

Yfrog died? Off to Soup.

Twitwall died? Back 'em dreamjournal entries up in Soup.

FYI  I used to dump all my dream journal entries in the (now defunct) text auto-imports from Twitter, Jaiku, Ask.fm, etc. And it also works as a bookmarking site when all the bookmarking sites I've tried failed on me everytime.

Speaking of the anti-Tumblr part, I was pretty proud to own a Soup blog in place of a Tumblr blog & I would repost all the memes & stuff from my friends' Tumblr blog into Soup. (It was a hassle of course but I didn't even care). But the one thing I got a kick out of was copying other people's Tumblr fanart & turn them into Soup, since I thought nobody would care or even notice. To me this felt kinda robin-hood-ish, taking the love & attention of one perceived popular website & giving it to its less popular alternative. Back then I was still doing finals in university, & turning all those blues into reds lifted & kept my spirits up.

After graduating from university I moved on to actually making original fanart for Soup in the meantime, while still looking for jobs back then. A few of those fanart got featured in their ads & the developers liked it so much they sent me a Soup t-shirt & a tank top as a thank you gift which I still wore today. The thought of them sending shirts from across the globe all the way here is totally unexpected. Count this as an early birthday present (cuz it was days before my birthday) and to this day I still can't thank them enough for it.

Weird cuz in the previous year, just for fun, I photoshopped this Soup logo on a red shirt I already have, hoping I could have a Soup shirt for real. My prayers have been answered.

In a way, Soup also gave me room for experimenting in blog customization. In the early days I'd go around trying to copy my friends' blogs' looks (they're mostly on Tumblr & Blogger with multitudes of themes & Soup has like 4 other themes besides the default) & since I only know simple HTML & CSS & not much beyond that, I had to view the source page of these other blogs & tried seeing what codes can make certain pics float, or cursors change, or the likes.

There was one time when I actually made the cursor on my blog change, but I still couldn't nail the layouts like those other tumblr/blogger/wordpress/livejournal blogs. In the end, changing the background images is good enough... until Notasecondtowaste introduced Souperstyles to all of us, with lots of customized themes & even more customizable CSS-es. Also also that one time someone made a grid look for their Soup, that happened too, & that got me drawing this comic.

After getting my own Tumblr 2 years after I got my Soup, I went full matchy-matchy on both blogs in case one or the other screws up or something, then I'll still have backup on the other. Who would've guessed Soup was the first to die, after all these years. Gotta say I'm lucky I didn't really need to export my Soup content much following the site's demise, as besides my artworks, music & memes simultaneously posted on tumblr, my chat screencaps & dreamjournals are safe somewhere else.

There’s still some things I don’t quite like about Soup though, like how it doesn’t allow multiple images in a post (they used to, though, using automatic imports we can make a gallery from all the images we selected, not anymore). Also there’s not a lot of fandom comunities in Soup too, especially with my fandoms (the blame’s on me & not the website) thats why I was glad when I found out group blogs for Doctor Who, My Chemical Romance, 30 Seconds To Mars & comic enthusiasts exist in Soup.

Despite all that, Soup still wins me over with its versatility.

To me, Soup is a place where I can be alone & yet still interact with other people. Completely different people from my usual online friends I have in other social media. All the other alternative social sites I've tried don't really have a significant amount of active users, thus using those sites still feels kinda lonely without all the reactions. In Soup they’ll still react & repost your posts into groups & stuff.

Recently I’ve tried Soup clones popping out before Soup’s death, like Loforo, & earlier last year, Newtumbl. They’re light, they’re alright, though they still don’t really feel like Soup. But hey I’m sticking around Loforo for now, it’s still improving & introducing new features.

I'm really gonna miss Soup.io. Thnks fr th mmrs.

I hope this isn't too weird of a message to send, but doesn't it seem like Jonawagon doujinshi are pretty uncommon? I've only seen maybe 3 posted online & I have a copy of a SpeedJona doujin but aside from those I haven't come across any. Is it like a rare pairing or something? I thought they were fairly popular

It isn’t weird at all, anon! All the opposite actually, cause I love getting asks even if i'm not always around or it sometimes takes me a hot minute to get to them gfjhkjh

This is gonna be long and probs gonna have bits that might sound rant-ish to some, but I hope that’s alright! :'D

For starters, sadly, jonawagon/jonaspeed/speedjona or however you call the ship is quite an underrated ship. This has to do partly with the wrong perceptions some folks have built around it and around the characters as well (that them both and the couple itself are the epitome of "purity" and "innocence", sometimes even labelling them as "boring" as a result even though both characters are far from that, that "it could only be a one-sided thing" on Spw's end despite both showing and sharing a certain bond/closeness towards each other -closeness that sometimes Jonathan didn't show towards anyone else-, etc), partly because of the many timeskips in PB and all the scenes the anime cut out and people wrongly assuming that the main events happened in the span of a few days and thus people dropping the ball on the ship/characters when Jonathan and Speedwagon actually knew each other for as long -sometimes even longer- than other more popular characters/ships in jjba did, partly because neither Jonathan or Speedwagon are as popular as other characters in the franchise as a whole, and also partly because, as sad as it is to say this, the ship lacks a LOT of support, especially from it's own fanbase. While jonawagon is a popular and well liked ship overall (in the sense that even general fans who don't care much about shipping, or those who are still on the fence about mlm ships, or those who just don't actively ship jonawagon actually like and support the ship or the idea of it upon seeing the actual dynamics between the characters and their potential and the fact that the ship can actually coexist with jonaeri without altering the characters/making them ooc, nor altering the story and so on), it still lacks a lot of support from it's fans. I often see most other ships/characters get lots of reblogs and exposure from their fans on literally any and all platforms, helping those ships/characters reach new audiences and gaining more popularity and drawing interest from potential new fans, while jonawagon stuff as well as solo Jonathan or Speedwagon stuff usually only get likes and a few reblogs at most from their fans, which is nice and all, but it doesn't give the artists/writers any exposure nor get those works or the ship any farther than that and just keeps them within part of the already existing fanbase at best, which often times makes the artists/content creators lose interest in continuing to create stuff for the ship/characters. This is also why I always strongly ask -almost beg at this point ngl- for people to support the artists/writers/etc via reblogs!! The ship having a bunch of different names also might have an impact on all of this, as it's not always as 'easy' to tag/find contents if you don't know how to tag/search for it. Jonawagon (normally used in the western parts of the fandom), JonaSpeed/SpeedJona (Western version of the ship's most popular names in Japanese: ジョナスピ/スピジョナ or JonaSupi/SupiJona respectively], SpeedStar (a name that became a bit more popular more recently after a mini jonawagon event in 2019), being the most common ones afaik, asides from the standard JonathanxSpeedwagon/SpeedwagonxJonathan ie and others. In short, Jonathan and Speedwagon as well as jonawagon are quite well liked and even popular to an extent, but they lack a massive amount of support from the fans, which also usually translates into artists and content creators for this ship losing interest in continuing to create new material for it and thus end up not making any more contents.

In regards to doujinshi more specifically, I’m a bit disconnected when it comes to Jojo doujinshi in general, but it seems to be a bit like that for most of the non "crazy popular" Jojo ships if you ask me, which is kinda normal considering the massive amount of characters in the whole series. Putting my experience as example, if it helps, I used to collect doujinshi from one of my previous fandoms, which had a shit ton of them for plenty of it’s ships and it was somewhat easy to acquire hard copies of despite it being an “old anime” basically while most Jojo doujinshi (especially anything that is not parts 3, 4 and 5) seems to be a bit hard to come across regardless of the ship(s) in them, even in auction sites or places like pixiv that sell digital copies if the author puts them up on sale, which is understandable since the aforementioned parts are some of the most popular parts in Japan, where most doujinshi is created, and thus take most of the fandom's interest -authors’ and readers’ alike-, as well as the hype for parts like Phantom Blood being long dead (with it being dead/dormant since the original airing of the anime ended in 2013, and it coming back ocassionally whenever there's a 'special' re-airing of PB in Japan or when events such as the Joestar Radio take place), so maybe my parameters on the whole subject are somewhat disproportionate?

This is also gonna sound all boomer-like, but I’ve also noticed, or it seems to me at least (still in comparison to the doujinshi from my previous fandom), that doujinshi books as we knew them aren’t /as/ common nowadays as they used to be a while back. Even the works themselves don’t seem to be much that way either. For example, doujinshi anthologies used to be a big thing a while back and, while they still exist, they don’t seem to be too common anymore (these worked as "promo books" of sorts for all the artists featured and they also helped lesser known/popular artists and ships to get some exposure to newer audiences). Nowadays such thing still exists, and I actually recall seeing a Jonaspeed/Speedjona anthology being made “recently” (recently as in 2019, if I’m not mistaken? it was published and sold during the mini Jonaspeed event they held at a Jojo con in Japan that year), but they aren’t nearly as common as they used to be, since now most artists can post any samples they want (much more reduced tho, cause you normally get a few pages instead of a full mini story) in places like Twitter or Pixiv. And it’s kinda the same with regular doujinshi. Before, most doujinkas had to publish a book in order to get their stuff out and get some exposure, so they were always working on new stories and making new books to sell and promoing their stuff, sometimes one after the other and even creating multi-volume stories in some cases. Now, thanks to how "easy" it is to get some exposure on social media, it’s much more common to see doujinkas for any ships/characters making short stories (1-4 pages, sometimes more) or just 1 page illustrations instead and posting them on their social media every now and then as a promo for their works. They also still make and sell their books (a few jonawagon artists on twitter do, at least), and these short stories/illustrations serve to boost their works instead, which is not a complain at all cause I think it's amazing tbqh! But this also translates into less stories/doujinshi being created as many of these artists often opt for leaving those stories that years ago would have been their own book or a mini story in a book as a prompt or a short story only.

As for actual jonawagon doujinshi, while it is not as common as say pt 3 doujinshi, there is quite a bunch of it. Some date from 2012-2013 (when the PB anime was originally aired), some are much older than that and some others are much more recent (as there are still some active jonawagon doujinkas around). There are also "fanfic books" that are also considered doujinshi and that seem to be a thing sometimes, but these contain little to no art at all and are usually written 100% in Japanese. The problem here is that not many of them have been scanlated/translated yet, sometimes because they aren't easy to find on sale online, sometimes because re-sellers who do have them set high prices for them plus shipping costs, sometimes because the artists/online shops won't sell stuff overseas, sometimes because those who do own doujinshi copies don't always know how to properly share them (since scanning a doujinshi in high or decent quality without destroying the book can be hard af) among other reasons.

All that said, there is a bunch of jonawagon doujinshi that has been scanned and is available online! but it can be tricky to get sometimes due to the different names this ship can go by and because of the "translations" of said names into different languages (as some doujinshi can only be found in Chinese sites, or Russian ones, and so on for example, so it can take some serious time to figure that out and have a successful search).

In all honesty, anon, I'm a dumdum and I had never thought about doing so in a more public manner until now, since I've already shared my entire jonawagon collection (pics, doujins, etc) with friends who have requested it more privately, but I can upload the doujins I have scans of if anyone's interested?? (I’d post the links where I found most of them but since my hd is pretty much dead and I can’t access Windows or my windows/mozilla profile, I’ve p much lost all my old bookmarks). They were only like... 8 last time I checked (9/10 if you count the Japanese and English versions of the "Joestarsaaaaan" one), but it's something :D Just be aware that some of them are nsfw! and that a couple are either part of a book that has stories from other ships in them (I only have the jonawagon parts tho) or contain other ships implied or openly shown in the jonawagon story.

I also have about 4 more, but the scanlator of one of them openly requested for the file to not be reuploaded, so Idk if it'd be alright to share it? (and they also deactivated their blog, so there's no way to ask them for permission). The other 3 are scans a friend sent to me of their own doujinshi copies, so I also don't know if it would be okay for me to post them?? (i haven't seen this friend in over a year so idk gfhgjkjlkñ). 2 of those 3 are nsfw.

Some Alt. Jobs for the Kids in the Future:

Mainly doing this as just a thought experiment. Usually people are of one mind on what the kids will *probably* be when they are older(myself included) so I wanted to give some alts that could fit their personalities.

Louie-Manger/Agent:Making this list mainly for him because I recalled Princess Carolyn from BoJack and how her job could fit Louie pretty well. Ik a lot of people headcanon Lawyer! Louie, I do too, but I think this would be a fun idea.

A manager's job is basically finding ways to get their client's hired or trying to tailor a client's project in order for it to be marketable. We already seen Louie do this in his ep this season but I think it be cool if became a legit job for him. He's still a McDuck ward so nothing with his business would be "normal" and he would have to do similar "schemes" to get his clients jobs, especially if they are inter-dimensional goat demons.

Louie would probably say the reason he became a manager would be "because I've been trying to convince people I am good enough my entire life, might as well make a career out of it". Edgy ik, but this is Louie we are talking about of course he say some dumbshit.

Dewey-YouTube Personality: this is probably just a less popular hc rather than one that's not talked about at all like the Louie (or the next couple examples). For me, I can't see Dewey being anything but some kind of globe trotting adventurer who would also record it for views. But in the case that DIDN'T happen, I think he'd become a youtube personality and make shows with his friends and family. I think it be really cute, that even as they grown older and become more independent, Dewey can still find ways to bring them all to his house to be apart of his youtube show(s) where he and a guest try to guess obscure history facts Webby comes up with (Watchers know what I'm talking about) or where he and some friends try to solve unsolved mysteries or try and bake without a recipe (im really showing what content i watch).

His Youtube channel would be sporadic like, "series" but he doesn't make actual playlists (Huey or Violet do) and uploads whatever he wanted to do that week. Good thing is, he never misses an upload date. Almost.

Huey-Military Engineer/Tech Guy (IE better Beaks): I had the hardest time with figuring out Huey since like Webby, he can pretty much be in any field to me (as long as its stem related). This suggestion to me is the least chill out of all of them but I picked it because 1. Huey likes structure and chain of command and 2. Science and defense systems.

Out of his brothers, Huey isn't the most WORRIED about safety but he definitely is the one who would do something about it to fix it. I can see him making some intergalactic defense systems and various prevention junk. Maybe he works under Gosalyn's administration[see gos] or he makes "unnatural-natural phenomenon" protection stuff. Kinda like the seawalls in Venice but like, stuff to make sure the Earth doesn't get destroyed because of all the crazy shit the duckverse has. Like ghost forcefields or the reversal of timephoons. I don't think he would be a Tony Stark character tho so I am not 100% with this one.

He could also just be a tech guy, but yknow, better than Mark Beaks. He accidentally has more followers than him would crush him in twitter fights (an example would be something along the Logan Paul vs Chris D'Elia). I find this just really funny, Huey would actually be what all those "good guy billionaires" claim to be (also he wouldn't be one just as a matter of principle). Owlson would probably be his mentor or maybe just business partner.

Webby-Comic Artist/Cartoonist: Webby, to me, can pretty much go into any field and I would be like "yeah makes sense". However I know in my heart she'd be some kind of spy or detective. Thinking about her being anything else was honestly kinda hard but then I realized she DOES have another hobby which could be turn into a career - her drawings and stories. Webby is definitely a creative person, maybe the most creative so far in front of or slightly behind Dewey, so I think she would like to make comics and cartoons.

If you want to be angsty, maybe she chooses this mundane route because she was somewhat conditioned by her granny (or her creators if theories are to he proven right) to be a super spy; choosing to be a cartoonist is something she was never trained to become and yet she still did because it's something SHE wanted to do for herself.

Lena-Poet/Song Writer: okay another one that might not be uncommon but I like to just see it thrown out there. Lena is cool in large part because of her magic but in a possible similar motivation to Webby, she wanted to be a poet not only because she was good at it but because she wanted to be. This doesn't have to be her main hussle, usually I don't see it as such, but I also think it be cute if she became a new Robert Frost (this is the only poet ik sorry).

Violet-Cosmologist: Most people see Violet as either some kind of chemist, professor, or occasionally a witch. I think another good alt tho would be cosmology since Violet herself wants to understand the world around her, which is a bit different from Huey who wants to obtain knowledge for knowledge sake in the case it might come in handy though not extremely. Cosmology as field in the dt universe must be WILD too since im pretty sure most scientists know of all the magic and junk, in fact I wouldn't be surprised if there was a legit subject on it or multiple. Trying to make sense of YOUR universe while knowing others exist along with time travel, possibly multiple after lifes? Its a lot. Perfect job for Vi.

Boyd-Therapist/architect: I feel like this isn't such a niche hc, but I do see more folks make him into his own superhero and/or an accountant. I might be playing into the Baymax stereotype of robots being good mental health assistants but idc, I think it's warranted since he has gone through and understands trauma. Maybe he focuses on those who need rehabilitation or are unable to get paid treatment. Maybe he just helps those who have committed crimes. Another alt is that he becomes an architect, building well planned buildings and public spaces in a flash by utilizing his vast abilities. He might even be commissioned to make space colony housing.

Gosalyn-Politican: Alright so, Gosalyn being a superhero like her dad is like, canon but again in an alt universe where it WASN'T (or maybe later in her life) I can see her becoming political. Frank even laid out some of what inspired this iteration of Gosalyn which included notable political activists, so as of rn its not that far of a stretch to say she might be interested in that. I have a feeling its happens because she gets riled up for something in particular rather than she always wanted to be a career politician or whatever. She would definitely be a less polished politician and that be her appeal, she'd kinda be like an AOC in that regard(im sorry I tried really hard not to name drop political figures but-). An example of her "abnormal" diplomacy tactics is where she stopped Ragnarok semi permanently by absolutely wrecking their shit. (She be dramatic about it like her dad, coming in her normal President wear and then throw it off to reveal some crazy wrestling shit. Louie would also make a lot of money that day.)

Y/N AND HARRY STYLES SOULMATE AU PART 3

It's been a month and you’re pretty sure that Harry’s your soulmate. It's stopped itching after that day, when you'd run into each other at a coffee shop. It had already been lucky to run into someone twice in a city of millions, and your luck hadn't held up.

While the letters on your wrist are still pretty blurred, you can make out the H and S, his initials.

You hadn't told anyone either, wanting to keep it a secret. It felt wrong to go about telling people when you hadn't had a chance to talk to the man himself. Not really.

It made for good material to work through in your art studio hours. All the worrying and what ifs and thoughts running through your head as you thought about reaching out on instagram in the hope that it would somehow get to him.

But then you didn't. Not wanting to have to explain and talk to whoever on  his team...of his people, handled that sort of thing.

Many celebrities got people claiming to be their soulmates. Hopefully young girls and boys who really wanted it to be true, who wanted their idols or celebrity crush to be theirs.

Or maybe you were just being old fashioned and letting things happen as they're meant to instead of blasting it on social media like some people did now, counting on the millions of people on social media to connect them.

It didn't matter.

You were fine with just seeing what happened. London wasn't that big. And you were still pretty young. And it might not be him.

Even though you knew in your heart that it was.

Between school, and work, and the little art our able to get done, you collapse in your apartment, Lydia already setting on your couch in a pair of sweats and old t shirt that might be yours actually now that you think about it.

“There's pizza,” she calls out to you, not looking up from her phone, smiling widely as she scrolls, “I think it's cold now but maybe it's like rice where it's less carbs when it's cold.”

“That sounds super fake and cold pizza is really freaking gross.” You utter, having almost died when she made leftover pizza and eggs together like it was an actual breakfast.

“I'm saving the planet by not using the toaster oven technically though.”

You snort, “wow I love an environmentally conscious queen.”

“So about that soulmate mark,” she says, smirking over at you from the couch, easy in your tiny flat while you pop a slice into the toaster oven.

“Don't want to talk about it,” you reply, already feeling the heat rise up into your cheeks.

“But you’re like the first person to get it!” She states, eyes practically sparkling with the idea. She'd never felt the annoying itch that made you scratch until your wrist turn red.

But even then you could feel the butterflies in your belly. It was easy to get lost in the idea of it all.

“Didn’t Pooja and Andy get it when they were still seventeen. Like months after the mark showed up!”

She shakes her head, looking back down at her phone in deep interest, “doesn't count because it happened before we met them. There's so gross together,” she finished fondly, sticking her tongue out.

“I'm going to tell them you said that.” You take a bite out of your reheated pizza, immediately regretting it when the hot steam burns inside your mouth.

“Anyway,” she says, “doing anything next Saturday?”

You shrug, “no. Don't think so. why?” It was your day from school and work. Ignoring all the work you should be doing for your classes. At least your thesis work was next year.

“Just wanted to make sure,” she says nonchalantly, “keep your day clear. We are going out.”

You laugh. There's never a day in which she doesn't want to go out and do something. “Okay. Do I get a say in it?”

“No, lets get lebanese at that one place by hyde park?”

Your mouth is already watering at the thought, “okay. I'm down, especially if we go to Hyde Park right after.”

“Deal,” she says, sitting up, “Now I'm going to go shower for the first time in a week.”

“Lydia that's so bloody disgusting,” you shout after her.

*

You're early. For once you hadn't been held back by anything but your own laziness after a long week. It was nice to have somewhere to be where you actually wanted to be, meeting up with Lydia like you too were still at college.

It wasn't like you'd lived very far from each other back home. And more often than not you'd ridden your bikes around town, resulting in more than a few falls.

You grab a table, order a mimosa while you wait like the semi functional adult you are because ladies who brunch order mimosas or so you've been led to believe. Plus it was bottomless, so it was a steal really.

As long as you drank your heart out. With Lydia you felt safe getting tipsy during daylight hours.

You scroll through your phone, answering texts and send some memes to people you knew were at work. Suckers. Laughing at the group chat for your ethics class now that you finally were actually reading through it. Andy was hilarious as usual.

When Harry walks in, wearing a tigre t shirt and loose pants in a flowery print, more bold than anything in your mainly neutral wardrobe, and raybans.

You swallow, heart speeding up at the weight of him walking through the door like something out of a romcom even though he can't be here for you. It's just a coincidence and yet you've never felt more nervous, the weight of it all lodged in your throat.

Your fingers brush against your mark, soothing the live wire of nerves under your skin.

He's walking towards you. It's unmistakable now but you can't see his expression underneath the black sunglasses. It strikes you as rude, that he hasn't taken them off. The sun's not even beating down hotly today.

You still haven't looked away.  Maybe that's why he's coming over. . .too say hello. Technically you do know him.

People say hello all the time.

“Can I sit down here,” he asks, coming to a stop in front of you, head tilted towards the empty side of the booth.

Predictably, you ramble in shock, “my friend Lydia's coming actually but I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you sat here while you waited-are you waiting for someone?”

Harry slides his glasses off, hands still covered in a few large rings that somehow keep from looking overly tack on him. It must be the large hands.

The perfect kind for drawing really.

“Um,” he says, red staining his well defined cheekbones, “actually I'm meeting you…”

You raise an eyebrow, confusion written on your face.

Harry rushes to explain, flustered, “I had-I looked through a bunch of photos of me tagged on instagram and twitter and figured your friend Lydia might have uploaded and tagged me and then really hoped that she had her profile public,” he says, leaning over to you, bathing you both with an air of intimacy that you mirror as you study his features. The earnestness with which he's speaking to you clear in his mossy green eyes, in a way that paint could never mimic.

“and then I sent her a message and explained,” he trails off softly, looking down at his hands for a second, biting the inside of his cheek, searching for the words he needs.

You cover his hands on the table with yours, meeting his gaze head on. There's something so disarmingly kind about him that all that nervous energy you'd felt when he walked in had dissipated.

“Well I explained about what I think is...y'know maybe...it's too forward innit,” he utters, swallowing thickly as he meets your gaze, leaning back and pulling away from you, the warmth of his hands leaving yours. “I should've talked to your first not-not sprung this up on you.”

“No,” you tell him, “I was glad to see you again. Not that I wasn't also really freaking nervous but mostly glad.” The words feel true enough as you say them. So they must be true.

Harry relaxes against the table in relief, chuckling lightly to himself, looking over at you shamelessly, like he can't stand to lose another minute without you. Not when you might be-when you probably are-

You let out a deep breathe, “We should probably talk.” Someone should state it. Get it out of the way because there's no way you came all the way out here without getting one of your favorite dishes in london.

“We should,” he responds with a smile, small and hopeful and god wouldn't it be something if he is! This kind man who remembered you after a concert. Who went around london like any normal person might and didn't that say a lot about what type of person he is when he could be a complete arse given his fame.

“But first I’m going to eat and bore you with so much random bits of my Mayanist research paper I've yet to finish because I'm still pretending that it's not due next week and that time I had a popsicle made from zapote counted as research.” The popsicle had been interesting. The lackluster research results on your subject for this paper was not.  

It had almost made you change subjects. Almost.

There's flecks of caramel in Harry's eyes when the light hits them, laugh lines deep around his lush mouth as he smiles over at you. “Only if you’re alright with me interrupting you with questions every five seconds,” he responds.

You look away, trying to calm down the warmth spreading throughout you from being on the receiving end of Harry smiling at you, not because he was usually smiling, but because he was happy to see you.

It's then that you notice the quick glances over at your table, the awkward hold of phones in hands and remember just who this man across from you is. You press your lips together, resolving to ignore them.

“Deal,” you tell him with a smile, “now I welcome you to share in my ladies who brunch dream before I squish in as much work as I can get through tomorrow.”

He laughs and you smile because that was you. You made him laugh.

*

Harry is easy to talk to, which you knew from that day in the coffee shop and even that night when Lydia had asked for a picture with him and you'd so easily teased him. What you hadn't expected was how easy it was to slip right into that.

No nervousness or strain arose from your impending talk as you slipped on your drink and ate, talking between bites.

You tell him about a documentary you just watched which was more of a string of thoughts, the type to make any cinephile nod in delight. About your latin american culinary research as your paper focused on important plants during mayan times and how they had translated into modern times. “I mean most people the world over had had guava not to mention the super fruit that avocado has become.”

“Who doesn't love a good guac,” Harry muses. “Though as good as guava is there's too many big seeds. Can't hardly-” He stops.

You smirk, “finish the sentence Harold.”

He sighs already laughing to himself, resolved, “can't hardly swallow.”

“That's what she said.”

“Knew you were going to say that.”

He tells you about his recent trip to the states. To a big awards ceremony with Stevie Nicks who it's clear he adores in the way his voice goes soft when he talks about her. “People always tell you not to meet your idols but,” he shrugs, face glowing as he continues, “it's-she's cooler than I could've imagined and such a good person too. She was really great when I wanted to show her my first album. Gave it to me straight.”

You smile, “It's amazing to know that some people are deserving of all the trust and love that people have in them.”

You split the bill without a fuss, merging into the late afternoon crowd seamlessly, a world away from the weird half hidden glances over at you.

You don't know how he does it. It had set you on edge, an edge the mimosa helped dull.

“Want to go to the Natural History Museum,” you ask him, wanting somewhere that might grant some privacy to talk. Hyde park just seemed to open. And the V&A was always so busy.

“Do you know the way,” he asks, glancing down at you.

You nod and lead the way, easily navigating a street over and up, comfortable in the quiet that had descended around you both.

There was enough sun out now in mid april to warm your skin, a nice change after the winter months of layers and layers.

It makes the walk enjoyable. Spring’s and underrated season you think. Too many people get caught up in summer for school holidays and winter because of winter break but spring was where it's at.

“You come here often,” he asks, as you both aimlessly wander around the museum, passing by people too absorbed in the exhibits to look over at the man by your side.

“When I can,” you readily admit, “I still feel so lucky to live so close to so many amazing museums even if the collections were all stolen.”

He snorts, “your professors must love you.”

“Well my greek professor did not so much my lit prof because english lit is all dead white guys that I think are vastly overrated.”

Harry shakes his head, shoulders shaking with quiet laughter, “and I want to hear them all no matter  how much I might disagree.”

You grin, “well how boring would it be if we all had the same options? I mean I won't budge on Hemingway but art is a dialogue isn't it?”

“And what dialogue does your art say,” he asks as you step into an empty gallery. You suppose that the bird taxidermy collection is hardly exciting when zoos exist.

“That we should talk,” you respond, turning to face him, intimately close, his chest inches from yours.

“We should,” he says carefully, his hand coming up to cup your cheek, solid and warm and your eyes flutter closed. You breath in the smell of him, like sharp clean leather.

“Is this okay,” Harry asks with great care, his eyes searching yours.

You nod, “yeah, I mean,” you pull away unable to think straight so close to him, turning so that your looking at some long dead puffin. “Did you think I might be-when we ran into each other at the coffee shop?”

You hold your breathe as you wait for him to answer.

Harry doesn't move toward you, sighing as he leans against a wall, chewing over his words, brow furrowed. “No,” he finally says, “I didn't. I just remembered you'd been nice and funny about the whole thing with Lydia and then I ran into you and thought it might be a sign from the universe we're meant to be friends so I figured why not and went over to talk to you. My sister tells me I've always been like that. Friendly. Making friends out of strangers.”

You exhale, smiling as you turn towards him, taken by the severity of his expression. His gaze is fixed on you. “I didn't think-not until later when I was at work and my mark,” you offer, nervously brushing your hair behind your ears, “it seemed like too big of a coincidence. I hadn't really bumped into anyone else who's name starts with an H.”

“You didn't reach out,” he states, void of any rapprochement.

“I wasn't sure how to go about these things and I,” you hesitate, “I was still thinking things over. I mean this is sort of a huge thing.”

The corner of his lips perk up, “can I see it?”

You blush furiously, excitement traveling up your spine, “yes.”

Harry moves towards you, closing the distance between you both. He leaves enough space between you both, a step apart. It feels like too much and yet your glad, you don't want to rush. If he's really yours you want to take your time, to get to know him first and foremost.

You don't even know if he's a morning person. Or if he spreads the cream on scones first or the jelly first.

You can feel his gaze tracking your hands as you pull the sleeve of your right hand down, revealing your soulmate mark.

A blurry but legible Harry E. Styles

Note: This is a re-upload of a post Tumblr deleted a while back sometime during The Purge. I’m so upset that I lost all the wonderful comments from everyone’s tags, but after accepting that Tumblr can’t return my original post to me, I decided to just post it again so it’ll at least (hopefully) be on my blog once more where it belongs... since this post does meet Tumblr’s guidelines. So, without further ado...

An angsty cliché headcanon (for an angsty cliché character):

When Kurotori was younger, he had a ballet instructor who was very strict, so the reason he’s so hard on himself is because of how she instilled in him the idea that “beauty is pain” and other such things. She very heavily influenced his need for praise and affection for his craft. “If you’re good enough, people will love you. But only if you’re good enough. Only when you’ve earned it.” She also used to tell him he had to be lighter – on his feet, emotionally, and in general – because “heavy things carry no weight with the ladies” and whatnot. (And considering he said that 90% of ballet fans are women… it would be an important detail to him.)

I plan to finish writing a longer one-shot about this idea, but I wanted to share a preview of the part that inspired these drawings. It’s not the complete part and I’ll probably rewrite it later anyway before the rest is finished/posted, but still. ;;v;; 

The Darkest Nights

Firm, graceful hands on his body bending him to their will. Pushing, pulling, lingering for too long. Heavy and simultaneously the lightest feeling his senses were allowed.

Sometimes, when he was in bed, he could still feel it… even when the hands pressed against his skin were someone else’s.

It wasn’t always, but when a certain touch nudging him into a better position felt all too familiar, the memories returned to the surface and the words echoed in his head.

“You must always be perfect, always be beautiful. Only the best earn the privilege of being loved.”

He hadn’t seen her in years, of course, but it was like she was constantly hissing into his ear that he had to be better, questioning if he was really giving it his all. That familiar shiver of anxiety and insecurity rippled up his spine again, and he suddenly wished he wasn’t on his back like this. He felt too exposed, too vulnerable, like there were too many ways to be a disappointment, and yet he felt trapped. Caged. Each touch weighing him down and reminding him of his own shortcomings.

But he had practically been raised on persevering through situations that made him feel unsafe because his passion was greater than the danger. Surely, he could do it now for the person he felt the most safe around. It was his own fault, after all… If he couldn’t do this even though it had been his idea, he really would be as undesirable as the voice kept telling him.

“…always be perfect… always be beautiful… the only love that matters – the love that keeps you alive – is the love you earn from others…”

~.~

“Do you want to stop?” Goura stilled, the sweet concern in his voice suddenly and inexplicably jarring.

“No, it’s alright.” Moteo forced a smile so it would show in his tone even as he kept his head turned. “Please, keep going until you are done. There’s no need to worry about me.” If he could just look away from the problem, perhaps he could ignore it.

Goura sat back slowly, his hands resting lightly on Moteo’s stomach not to apply pressure but only to check that his partner’s breathing wasn’t too shallow. Something seemed notably different from every other time they had done this… Goura was aware that he had a bit of a reputation for perhaps not having the sharpest mind – considering how much of his thoughts he kept to himself – but he paid attention to people, especially the ones he cared about. Moteo had gone very tense so suddenly and then limp as though surrendering to something unseen. And it hadn’t been the first time today that he had seen this pattern. Moreover, after years of raising his brother, Goura had learned to tell when the words people said were a cover for something else. So, he pulled out as smoothly as he could.

Moteo shifted just enough to meet Goura’s gaze, the look in his eyes a worrying combination of confusion, relief, and concern… or perhaps that was fear.

“I can’t enjoy it either when I know there’s something wrong,” Goura explained in response to the unasked question he saw there. “If you’re uncomfortable, we don’t have to do this tonight.”

Moteo hummed chidingly to himself as he sat up and reached out to tenderly stroke Goura’s cheek. He should have known better than to doubt. “You truly are a gentleman.” In every sense of the word.

Goura gathered him in his arms and kissed his forehead reassuringly. “If it was something I did wrong, I can fix it,” he promised. “Was it... my hands? It felt like you were flinching away from me.”

Moteo relaxed into his chest, content to snuggle up to the feeling of their hearts beating together. “I actually love the way your calloused hands feel on my skin.” It felt nothing like her. His touch was gentle. “I suppose I’ve just been having a strange day.”

Goura hummed in understanding and Moteo felt guilty again for being so conflicted. He was so complicated and… heavy… in return to someone so beautiful and light and patient.

“Would you prefer to... top?... instead?” Goura’s quiet sturdy voice seemed almost delicate in the silence. “Next time, I mean. If you want to.”

Moteo leaned back a bit in surprise to catch the earnestness in his features, although the poor man seemed a bit confused over the phrasing and Moteo really couldn’t blame him. “You would be okay with that?”

Goura nodded firmly. “If it would be more comfortable for you to feel like you have more control, of course.”

Moteo had never even considered that he could ask for that.

“You don’t have to say anything now and I won’t ask you to tell me what has been bothering you today either if you don’t want to talk about it. But you can think about it for when you feel ready. I promise no one is going to pressure you,” Goura told him so sincerely that Moteo couldn’t help but believe him even if he had wanted to doubt him in the first place.

And, in that moment, Moteo fell in love with this man all over again. This wonderful man who wanted to see him stretch his wings and fly free, as though he truly was more beautiful than the unhappily caged bird doing tricks for treats that everyone else thought was so pretty in its chains all this time.

“Aaaaaah~ Thank you, my sweet sweet honey!” He threw his arms even tighter around Goura and kissed as much of his face as he could reach.

“M-Moteo, you don’t have to thank me for wanting you to feel safe.”

Of course, for someone like Goura, that was a given. But to Moteo, it was so much more than that.

“I’m also thanking you for being your beautiful wonderful self, so at the very least let me take care of this for you,” he offered, pointing between them, and smiled fondly at the glimpses of a flustered expression he saw dusting Goura’s cheeks in the dim lighting. It was cute. They had just been in the middle of sex and this was what he was embarrassed about.

“Are you sure you want to? Because I can take care of it myself...”

“This much is okay. If you would like me to.”

“As long as you’re comfortable.”

Moteo was sure that, no matter how many bad days he had, he would always feel comfortable with someone so warm and sweet beside him. In the darkest nights sometimes shines the brightest light and Goura was the brightest light of all.

~.~

I used this reference from Pinterest for the first picture and these references from Twitter for the last two illustrations.

very long, very personal post

tldr, im still not drawing but here’s a detailed account of everything that’s happened in case anyone is confused or misinformed

alright. let me start out by saying i’m not going back to art just yet. it still hurts to do anything art related and i’m still trying to find a way to heal from all of this. i need some kind of professional help first, and i don’t know how long it’ll take afterwards for me to begin feeling like myself again. i don’t even know if i’ll be able to get any kind of professional help at the moment; my university’s counseling center told me, in short, that i’m so mentally ill that their services would not be enough for me and i’d have to look elsewhere (which is reasonable, tbh, they’re almost always completely booked so it’s difficult to actually even talk to someone there in the first place, i only got to talk to them to begin with because i nearly killed myself one night after having the most intense panic attack of my life where i felt like i was actually in the process of dying) and as if that weren’t enough, if you follow me on twitter you’d know that my mom finally left my stepdad, but this means that we no longer really have a home to call our own and are now living with some of my mom’s friends. on the bright side, miso is a lot freer and gets to explore the house as he pleases, but on the downside money is tight and my mom is trying her best to find a place to live while working two jobs and trying to help pay for my tuition. long story short, i want some kind of professional help badly, but all the bullshit that’s been happening in my life makes that difficult. 

anyway, i understand that i’ve worried a lot of people through all of this, and i’m sorry. i truly, genuinely am sorry for everything that’s been going on. i blame a lot of it on myself not being strong enough. if i were stronger, i wouldn’t care about some stupid internet trolls, or some random grown man in florida stalking all my social media. if i were stronger, i could take my life back. i wouldn’t feel the need to constantly contemplate suicide, or to torture my own body by starving because of my physical form feeling like the only thing i have left to be in control of. if i had only been stronger, like my old stupidly foolish overconfident 16 year old self who got into fucking STEVEN UNIVERSE DISCOURSE of all things, maybe i wouldn’t care. even when it first happened to me, after the initial shock and hiatus, i was pretty much back to normal almost instantly.  but this kind of trauma is sneaky and will gradually eat away at you more and more while you pretend to be ok, and then eventually you reach a breaking point and it’s taken over your life. that’s why i’m still obsessing over that day two years later. that’s why i can’t be left alone on december 13th this year, or else i know for a fact i will harm myself in some way. (don’t worry about that though, burger is going to hang out with me that day and i’ll be fine.) still, even though i keep telling myself my past self was stronger, i do know that she really wasn’t. she was still struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harm issues. maybe it just manifested differently for a while. maybe she felt unstoppable at some point in time because she finally found a girlfriend and got a cat. i got into so many fights that weren’t worth my time or energy at all, and part of me wishes i could be that confident again, but i also know that was my downfall to begin with.

i have followers who haven’t been around for longer than a year or maybe less than two, so i might as well give everyone a true, thorough rundown of what happened leading up to that day, the day of, and after. 

i’m sure a lot of you who are worried about me at the moment have seen the recent callout for colboh and his involvement in what happened. i’ll be honest--i don’t know the full extent of his involvement, and i want to believe his foolishness ends at not leaving artists who have blocked him alone and uploading their shit to booru sites when they explicitly state not to. so let’s just start there. i honestly don’t remember if it was before or after i first blocked him, but he uploaded one of my NSFW drawings to danbooru when i first shared my NSFW blog. (PROTIP: if you’re a minor, don’t share your NSFW art with anyone. don’t care if you’re 17, i was about to turn 17 myself. it will bite you in the ass. as such, some of this is my fault.) i quickly contacted danbooru asking them to delete it, and they did--but that artwork subsequently ended up on gelbooru as well, and i was unsuccessful in my efforts to remove my art from there.  

fast forward to december 13th, 2016. it was a normal morning. i was getting ready for school, but also being dumb and lazing around in bed browsing tumblr. i saw a post from a blog that shares Funny 4chan Screencaps. my art was in it. the art was of a very muscular yuugi, a drawing i was proud of, especially in how much gay energy i thought it radiated--but this drawing was being used in one of those typical “here’s a touhou, i wanna fuck her! am i right guys? let’s talk about how badly we want to fuck her” threads. seeing my art used for this was appalling. my first mistake was reblogging the post and saying how it was wrong, and how my art shouldn’t ever be used for such a purpose. my second mistake was making a text post AND tweets expressing my disgust at the situation, thinking no one who frequented /jp/ would ever see, sure that it would be a big waste of their time to concern themselves with some random dumb “”sjw”” artist. i also probably shouldn’t have specifically called them “gross neckbeards,” in doing so i absolutely struck a nerve with basement dwellers everywhere. i got to school and during my second period class, suddenly felt a strange urge to look at /jp/. why i did that, i still don’t really know. maybe i was expecting hate. maybe i was trying to see if they used my art for something gross again. i don’t know. either way, that moment changed everything forever. i saw the screencap of my tweets posted for everyone in their  circlejerk to see. even worse--i looked in the thread, and someone had also posted the NSFW art colboh had uploaded to danbooru, mocking it and calling me a hypocrite for drawing two girls having sex while also saying i don’t like my art being used for those kinds of threads. this is what truly ignited the amount of hate i saw directed towards me in the threads. i got called a bitch, a drama whore, got told to kill myself, and in one reply etched into my mind forever, someone said something along the lines of “we should all call her local gang and have them rape her, she just needs a good dicking.” there were multiple threads, too; i don’t know how many, but there was another one about me after the first one was deleted, in which someone edited a typical fat balding NTR hentai doujin style man into art i made of kagerou nosebleeding at wakasagihime. more disparaging comments were made. in both threads, people expressed their hatred and dislike of my art, some calling it garbage, some just saying it’s “bad,” etc. some people said the threads were unnecessary and rude, but they were a kind few in a cesspool of violence.

i don’t know who started these threads. i can’t assume anything about anyone, but whoever did this was definitely looking through all my social media out of bitterness and hatred, or perhaps even following me on both my tumblr and twitter considering the timing of the threads immediately after i complained. it eats at me that i most likely will never know who did this to me. i’ll never know who hated me so much that they decided to completely destroy my self esteem. if whoever it is who did all of this is reading this and feels any ounce of remorse, i’m begging them to reveal themselves and why they did it, but i know the chances of that happening are incredibly slim. someone, i can’t remember who, maybe it was queenly, told me they hope someday i reach a point where i don’t have to worry about that because i won’t care in general, but i still don’t know if i’ll ever reach a point where i stop caring about all of this.

like i mentioned earlier, after this all first happened, i was destroyed. the next day, my school’s GSA happened to have a vote for whose art would be on the club t-shirts, mine or someone else’s. mine lost. i broke down completely--anywhere i went, i wasn’t good enough, not for anyone. for days, there was a constant feeling of horror and fear  in my chest, something i’ve only ever felt so intensely when one of these threads resurfaces or i suddenly relive my trauma due to other things triggering me. i took a hiatus that lasted a few weeks, i believe i came back sometime before the new year. i thought i was ok, and i pretended like i could go back to being myself. but as time went on, and i continued living with the weight of that day on my back, i became weaker and weaker. i stopped drawing as frequently as i used to. my final year of high school started and i ended up falling into such a deep depression that i constantly skipped school and eventually attempted suicide in november 2017.  the suicide note i wrote cites that day as being one of the main things leading me to my decision, telling whoever did this to me that i hoped in my passing they’d have to live knowing what they did to me. my attempt only failed because i swore to take every pill left in the bottle and there were only four pills. had it been full, i’m not really sure what would have happened. i was sent to a mental institute afterwards for a week. being there was the absolute definition of hell. i was alone. i cried myself to sleep every night. they claimed to be a place where people were improved and got help, but i did not get any help at all. they basically imprisoned me for trying to kill myself. when i got out, i was only glad to be alive because i just wanted to be able to talk to my friends, my family, and my girlfriend again. it still shocks me that i was able to graduate from high school considering how much school i skipped before and after my suicide attempt.

sometime before that school year ended, i became extremely upset one afternoon and decided to run away from home. i had what happened to me and what was said about me that day running through my head. i tweeted that i hoped maybe in running away i’d end up being raped like they wanted, like how i deserved. someone who i considered a friend replied to this with, “fuck you.” after all of this was taken care of and i was safe at home, i responded that i was sorry, that i wasn’t thinking right when i made the tweet. she responded that i was, and blocked me. i tried to explain that i said what i did because of the threads about me on /jp/ and the one response threatening rape, but this was disregarded and, seemingly, ignored. a few days later, the former friend in question started sending me anon hate on tumblr, asking me why i want attention so badly, accusing me of making light of actual rape victims by saying such a thing. i explained myself, but to no avail. i blocked her on tumblr, and left it at that. but then, at the end of the school year, when i was proud of myself for finally getting through high school without killing myself or failing or anything, i stumbled upon the second thread. the date the thread was created lined up exactly with the time between me running away from home and me receiving anon hate. she can try to act like she didn’t make the thread all she wants, but i’m not an idiot. the replies were also eerily similar--people in the replies remembered me, a year and a half after the original thread. some replies mentioned me having attempted suicide months before. some mentioned my NSFW art again. i had a massive breakdown and nearly drowned myself in the pond down the road. it was a wet, rainy night, and i sat on a bench by the pond sobbing loudly, trying to find some way to want to keep living. but i couldn’t. i might have gone through with it if it hadn’t been for burger coming and talking to me and giving me a ride home.

entering college, i thought things would be easier. in a way, they are. i have more freedom with classes. this semester, i attended almost all of my classes, almost every day, just with the exception of me being sick some days and me accidentally oversleeping once, and then one day when i just didn’t feel like it. but things continued to get worse for me--i developed an eating disorder for many reasons, one being the time i spent a year prior depressed caused me to gain a significant amount of weight, and the other being i had sworn off self harm in the form of cutting. i found that i was able to get the same gratification from starving myself. at one point, it turned into a game of sorts, where i tried to see how long i could go without eating anything. my record was a little over 72 hours. being constantly hungry or in pain this way felt like something i deserved in a way, but also something to distract me from the pain of realizing i was losing my love for art. i was in denial about it for months. i tried to keep drawing, but everything i drew upset me, saddened me, and even angered me. i looked at anything i made and only felt disgust. it was the one thing i used to love doing more than anything, and now i only felt shame. 

in november, i acknowledged this and decided to quit for good. recently, i discovered colboh had uploaded more of my NSFW art to gelbooru, even though i specifically stated on my blog to never upload my NSFW art to image sharing sites, specifically right after he uploaded my art the first time. by the time i found this, i had already sworn off art for good, but looking at the comments on my art on gelbooru (and rule 34--i guess they’re connected upload-wise like danbooru?) filled me with so much sadness and shame, not because they criticized my art, but because they said horrible things about my depiction of kagerou. for those who don’t know, i headcanon kagerou as a trans woman, and one thing i do not regret about my time as an artist is how that depiction has helped numerous trans women feel good about themselves and their bodies. seeing so many disgusting comments deliberately misgendering her and making other transphobic remarks hurt me on a completely new level. my trans friends have been such a source of strength for me through all of this and seeing that made me feel disgusted, especially with myself. i felt like i had failed them. i had made so many trans women happy, only to see a man i blocked two years ago had uploaded my art to porn sites, tagging it with dehumanizing words like “f*ta” that i specifically tell people never to refer to my art with, displaying that art for the exact same crowds of people that ruined everything december 13th 2016 to continue to pick apart. one comment even told me to kill myself, effectively bringing back every memory of that day. 

speaking of that, another thing i want to touch on now that i’m up to speed with the details of everything that’s happened related to the original threads two years ago, is kagerou. i’m positive you all know that i really love kagerou imaizumi, and that she’s my favorite touhou character. it’s embarrassing to say, but she’s brought me so much comfort through all of this. sometimes if i’m sad, i’ll imagine her giving me a big hug, or i’ll look at cute pictures i have saved of her, or something along those lines. it’s pretty cringy for a fictional character to make me happy, i know, but i’ve grown so attached to her and she really means a lot to me. and another thing that made me want to swear off art is because she’s loved by so many others that i don’t think my depictions of her do her any good. i’m constantly compared to other artists, and it’s never good. even in the threads, i’m told i should be more like those other artists and these things wouldn’t happen to me. i am not allowed to love kagerou imaizumi. i draw her as a hairy trans lesbian, and that disgusts people. hell, the fact that i draw lesbians in general disgusts people, which sure fucking sucks because i constantly hate myself for not being attracted to men and being able to draw happy lesbians made me feel better about myself. but i’ve ruined kagerou for so many people, especially with my stupid kagewaka bullshit. maybe that’s why those artists unfollowed me. maybe it’s a combination of that and my constant breakdowns becoming far too annoying. i think all the popular artists who used to like me and then unfollowed/softblocked me are really glad to see that i’ve given up. and that’s something else that saddens me too--even as an artist, in my own community of touhou artists, i often feel like i’m lesser, and that i don’t belong. maybe it’s because i’m so foolishly outspoken about my opinions that they dislike me. maybe it’s because i’m a woman, and a lesbian at that. i don’t really know why they hate me so much. i wish i could belong somewhere.

and i think that’s what it all boils down to in the end. i’ve lost all sense of belonging. when i was 14 and people started noticing my art for the first time, i finally felt like i had something. like i belonged somewhere. after being bullied through middle school and having to deal with abusive friends and an abusive dad, it meant the world to me that i finally had something. but it didn’t last long at all. it all came crashing down, not just because of others, but because of me. i was the one who was cocky, getting into fights that weren’t worth it. i was the one who provoked people and made them hate me. i was the one who complained about /jp/ posting my art in their threads. i know people want to believe that i’m a saint, but i’m not. i have myself to blame too. i at least want everyone to understand this, above all else. there was so much i could have done differently to prevent this all from happening, but i didn’t. i was stupid and naive. i was a massive fucking idiot, and now look where i am. i lost everything. i thought i had friends, i lost them. i thought i loved art, i lost that. i thought other really talented nice people liked me, i even lost that. all i have now is an empty shell of my former self. i don’t know what to do with it. i don’t know how i’m going to rebuild myself. it’s so painful to have to keep living like this. i don’t know if there’s any fixing me at this point. i’ve lost so much, i feel permanently broken.

but despite all of that, despite everything i’ve been through, i still receive so much love and support from my followers and friends and it means so much to me. it means the world to me and has kept me going through all of this. knowing that people care about me and want to see me get better and improve makes me want to try to fix myself even if i am broken beyond repair. i just want to thank you all for being that source of strength for me. these past few years have been so hard for me and time and time again i still get love and encouragement from so many people. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. there is nothing more precious to me than those moments when i feel like i do truly belong, when i feel loved, when i feel like i’m not alone after all. for those moments, i’ll keep trying. even if these threads keep continuing and breaking me further, i’ll keep trying. even if every last artist in this fandom comes to hate me and my shitty art, i’ll keep trying. it’s still painful to draw right now and i have a long way to go before i can share art with anyone again, but for you all, i’m going to keep trying my best. at the end of the day, i know everyone’s encouragement and love is worth far more than hate threads urging me to kill myself. 

i’m sorry how long and personal and unnecessary this is, but i felt like i had to set things straight. if you read all of this, i applaud you. if you just kinda skimmed through to read the last paragraph, i also appreciate it. again, thank you. 

whats up yall its time for an Extremely Long And Definitely Super Cool Art Rant!!!!!!!!!!! (dont feel bad for skipping this its literally just my string of thoughts typed out hh)

the thing is. that 99% of the artists i know/see on social media like. genuinely like drawing hhh which should be a no brainer huh!!! but for some reason it tends to feel more like a chore to me? i put it off and i procrastinate until im feeling so guilty that i wake up at night in panic bc i havent posted anything in two weeks or smth. dont get me wrong i do like the finished product and im proud of what ive put out so far but the cost of that is so high sometimes?? cause most of the time im too terrified to even open sai and getting started drawing feels like an absolutely impossible task. cause i just dont know if this drawing is gonna be good? have i already peaked? what if this is garbage and ive lost all my art skills and everyone will be disappointed and noone will care and i think my problem is that i just dont really have a reason to create art.  which is why i mainly do fanart i guess? it gives me a reason to care, at least somewhat, to actually draw. i think i havent really drawn personal art since i was 13 or something. cause i just dont see a reason for doing that. expressing myself is embarrassing and cringey (just for me, not when others do it ofc!!), i dont wanna do that, and noone would care about my oc’s (not that i care that much about them in the first place? like theyre somewhat important to me cause looking back i think they gave me a platform to explore my identity but. yeah. idk.) so like??? the thing is. that i only want to create art that i can upload to social media. is that normal? shouldnt i be drawing cause i like drawing??? and this then leads me to being scared of drawing again cause if i cant upload it its pretty much worthless. the things on my tumblr are literally all ive drawn these past months. thats it. PLUS, bc i only draw like once a week, i want to push my comfort zone every time i then do draw cause i want my published pieces to be the absolute best art i can possibly produce!!!! and if i never practice i can only hope for a miracle lol uuuh i kinda lost my point there. this is a bad rant im sorry. typing everything out here helps me sort through my thoughts,,, , oh also: the instagram algorithm is literally the WORST i fucking hate it cause i just cant upload art frequently enough!!!!!!! tumblr and twitter are alright, they dont care about when and how often you upload but instagram? god i hate it. but i dont wanna leave it cause i like the little community im i guess somewhat a part of there? aaah idk. i really dont know :^)) oh ALSO: i feel like i have nothing to contribute to the fandom. my art is alright and all but its nothing groundbreaking? the thing is i dont only want to make art i personally like, like it should be, i also wanna make art i know others will like. so im always trying to find balance between these two? to be brutally honest: im scared my posts will flop!!!! i literally dream about that and wake up feeling like shit. all of this is toxic but i dont know what to do!!! i dont wanna give up my art account im too proud of what ive achieved so far? like 13 yr old me would just burst into happy tears if she saw my insta and i dont wanna disappoint her????? 

so yeah. havent uploaded in two weeks. im scared to get out my tablet. this rant is stupidly long. it feels like im the only one with these dumb dumb problems and i kinda wish anyone else would say they feel the same but surprise surprise: noone does cause they make art cause they god damn like making art, hanna :)) if you read all of this im so sorry for wasting your time sjdksd please dont feel obliged to answer on this post i kinda just wanted to yell into the void. for some reason ranting like this makes it easier to pick up my tablet pen. maybe ill actually draw tonight. we’ll see.

6 Months and 1550 Miles

Written (partly!) for @phanfichallenge​ “Week of Fics” Challenge Day 5.

AO3 Link Fic Masterlist - Similar events feel very different, depending on whether you can edit stuff out before the audience sees it...

Chapter 1 - London, December 2017. “-JOB SIMULATORRRRR” he finishes, exaggerating the end of the words somewhat dramatically, before Phil quips something about “being on the naughty step down here” He rolls with it, turning at least partway towards him, hoping he’s brandishing the controller in the right direction as he plays along, telling Phil and their audience “You’ve been very bad, you’re getting nothing but coal next week!” He’s already pressed START and figures he may as well make something of the warning displayed inside the headset, so he reads it out for their audience’s benefit, swinging his arms as he does so to demonstrate the point.“Are you clear of things you might bump into?” He can’t hear Phil clearly, but he thinks he’s jokingly drawing attention to the fact he’s sitting within reach, but Dan’s aware of his general location, just behind him to his right, and he might swing his arms around to get a reaction, just to be a bit dramatic, but it’ll be funny - Phil won’t let anything happen - “Please don’t punch me in the- “ “ALL CLEAR!”   SMACK “OHH! FUCK!!” It takes a moment for what’s just happened to register. He stands frozen, arms and elbows drawn in tight, before yanking the headset up from over his eyes, to see Phil hunched over turned away from him, both hands covering his mouth and jaw. “Are you okay?” Silence. “Phil… Phil, look at me please” This isn’t funny. The camera is still recording, but this isn’t going to be uploaded. His hand stings where he’s just hit Phil, but he’s certain being backhanded square in the face will have hurt a damn sight more, especially if he also caught him with the controller too.He drops to his knees in front of Phil, and gently tries to pry his hands away from his face, in order to see what he’s done, what he’s caused to happen in all his stupid put-on exuberance. He’s expecting bruising, maybe some blood, but he’s just hoping there’s no missing teeth, because it’s late at night and he doesn’t know where to find an emergency dentist and- Phil turns towards him and makes eye contact, after what seems like an eternity to Dan, caught in a spiral of worry and self-recrimination. There’s tears in his eyes, but he shies away from Dan when he goes to wipe them away, instead blinking them away as he lifts his head. Slowly, oh-so slowly, he lowers one hand, then the other, allowing Dan to see, finally. And it’s nowhere near as bad as he’d feared, especially as Phil quips, albeit shakily “So, what’s the damage? Do I have an excuse for all that plastic surgery to turn me into- “ “Shush a minute” Dan interrupts, noticing a small smear of blood on Phil’s lip, leaning in close to try and see where it’s coming from before directing Phil: “open your mouth for a sec?” Phil obliges, wincing slightly as Dan carefully rolls his top lip away from his teeth just enough to see a tiny cut on the inside of his lip. It’s already stopped bleeding, probably thanks to the pressure Phil’s hands on his face put on it, and it seems to be the only damage, but he keeps checking, keeps examining Phil’s face closely until Phil seizes his hands, removing them from his face and trapping them together between his own gently. “Dan, it’s ok. I’m fine. I’m alright, really.”He inhales shakily, avoiding making eye contact. Despite the words, he still expects Phil to be angry, he’d deserve it if he was, after what he’s just done, he could so easily have really hurt Phil, what would he have done then, and- “Hey. Dan. Stop. Look at me.” Without him realising, suddenly their positions are reversed and it’s his own face being cradled in Phil’s hands, and a couple of previously unnoticed tears being wiped gently from his cheeks. The words, and the gentle tone of that voice he knows so well, along with the careful physical contact abruptly shut down the negative thought spiral he’d trapped himself in, and frees him enough to follow the simple command Phil’s given him. He opens his eyes, barely having known up until that point that he’d shut them, and makes eye contact. “There you are. Love, stop worrying, Please. I’m fine, you’re fine, it was just an accident, you couldn’t see me- “ “Phil. I’m sorry. I-I- “ “Shhh love, I know. You didn’t mean it. It’s ok. Deep breaths now, come on.” He’s so relieved that Phil really isn’t mad, and seems instead to be worried about him all of a sudden that he can’t help but barrel into Phil’s midsection, worming his arms tightly between Phil and the back of his chair, eliciting a surprised “oof!” from his partner at the impact, before he feels his arms come up and wrap around him securely. Suddenly everything really is ok. He hadn’t realised how upset he’d gotten, how worried, until he starts to relax, feeling the tension gradually ebb from his body, and his mind quieten. “’m sorry I’m an idiot” he mutters into Phil’s shirt. He’s not sure if he’d be able to hear it, but he feels the need to say it anyway. Phil chuckles softly, before shifting, and moving one hand upwards, stroking up his back, tickling the back of his neck just a little before starting to gently play with Dan’s hair, picking a single curl at random, and pulling slightly, before letting it ping back towards his scalp. “You know we can film this another day if you want?” he suggests, quietly, obviously not wanting to disturb the moment but it serves to remind them that the camera is still presumably recording, has been the entire time, so if they do want to keep recording, they need to get on with it at some point. Dan releases his grip on the back of Phil’s shirt, and sits back on his heels, looking up at Phil with a bashful smile, taking the opportunity as Phil looks down at him to- “Stop staring at me like my face is in danger of falling off you spoon! I’m fine.” They both burst out laughing, and it takes a while for Dan to ask if Phil wants to keep what they had recorded, or if he wants to start fresh. “I don’t know. It was pretty funny, to be honest, and it’s nice to have not been the clumsy one for once. What do you think?” he asks in return, frowning slightly, clearly unsure if Dan is comfortable with sharing even part of what’s just happened. And to be honest, he is mulling it over carefully, before replying as he gets to his feet and stretching: “OK, let’s carry on with me apologising. We can always cut it out and re-film the intro if it’s- if we- ” “Sounds good” Phil cuts him off, smiling comfortingly up at him. And it is good when the video is finally finished. With an added slow-mo of the impact that still makes them both flinch whenever they see it, even after editing the video carefully, it’s easy to disguise what would be a blatant jump-cut, followed by their slightly shaky, slightly over-emphasised interactions as they restart filming. It's okay.

Chapter 2 - Moscow, June 2018. Dan stretches his arms up above his head, relaxing on the freshly made hotel bed he’s been lying across ever since they got back to the hotel. It’s late, and they’re tired, but it’s been a good few days, busy, but everything thus far has gone better and more straightforwardly than they’d perhaps expected. Phil had headed straight for the shower once they’d ordered room service dinner, promising to be quick enough that Dan can have a quick rinse at the least before the food arrives. Dan suspects, based on years of experience however, that he won’t actually get to shower until he goes back to his own hotel room later. Alone, because they promised to adhere to all the advice they’d had drummed into them on the run-up to this section of the tour. All of it. It feels especially jarring, given the reactions of their fans who came to the shows, and the Meet and Greet sessions, so whilst they felt more relaxed during tonight’s performance, they’re still on full “best platonic behaviour” mode, and he’s 99% certain just his presence here in Phil’s room would give some members of their team an aneurysm if they knew. Also odd is the fact they handed over all their devices before flying into the country, as advised, and since then have been using old handsets they packed specifically for these few days, carefully reset to factory settings with burner SIM cards and iCloud accounts, and virtually no apps installed. They’ve also avoided signing into any of their online accounts, so have effectively shut themselves off completely from social media, something they’ve literally never done. Not completely. It’s been weird, but they’ve spoken about how they can both see the appeal, if they weren’t so reliant on it for their career. It’s for this reason that instead of just checking his mentions, he is reduced to searching a few different terms in order to gauge their audiences’ (both in person and online) reaction to tonight’s show, along with their continued absence online, but what he finds initially confuses, then horrifies him. Not least because it’s something he doesn’t even remember having happened. Yet there it is, full video evidence with muffled audio. In silent gifs that play over and over as he scrolls past. All over Twitter and Tumblr both, complete with joking captions and comments, crowding out any reviews, spoilers or comments about the actual show. And he doesn’t remember it. But what if Phil does? What if Phil was expecting an apology? What if he was expecting them to talk about it, if not right there and then, but maybe in their dressing room after the meetup but before the show, during the interval, or afterwards. Any point up until when he shut the door to the bathroom behind him. What if Phil’s angry? And he hasn’t noticed that either. Not that it’d be the first time Phil had kept quiet, let it fester under the surface with Dan oblivious, gotten and stayed angry about that too, then suddenly exploded, leaving Dan temporarily blindsided, then feeling like a complete shit? He can’t let that happen. Not now, not here, and not during the tour. They can’t get away with doing this show if they’re not on good terms, it’s not scripted enough, and the last thing they’d need is if it were obvious to their audience that something was wrong between them. This is bad enough, they don’t need that as well. He needs to sort this, have it out with Phil now, but he’s in the shower, and his mood won’t be improved if Dan interrupts or drags him out of there now, but the food’s on its way, it’ll be arriving soon and he doesn’t want to sit eating in stony silence if Phil really is mad, but what if- “Dan..? You okay love?” His thoughts come to a shuddering stop, and he freezes, not that he was moving anyway, instead lying curled in on himself, caught, as if he was being attacked by some external force, not from within his own mind. “Hey...” Phil says quietly, sitting down on the edge next to his feet, shrugging off the towel draped round his shoulders and reaching out to lay a hand gently on Dan’s thigh; “What’s wrong? What’s happened?” Dan can feel himself cringing as the silence stretches, hating himself for not having the nerve to sit up and speak to Phil, instead hiding himself away and no doubt worrying his boyfriend, but he just can’t. Which makes him feel worse, Phil will have yet another reason to be mad, as if there weren’t enough already, but what if he decides he’s too much trouble, what if he decides enough is en- “Dan. What’s got you upset love? Please tell me. I-I don’t know what’s wrong but- “It’s the worry clearly audible in his voice that frees some of Dan’s muscles up enough so he can nudge the phone, lying face-down on the bed. It’s less the vicious kick that he wants to give it, send it smashing into the wall or onto the floor, but he manages to nudge it with his knee, pushing it away from him slightly - enough for Phil to take the hint and snatch it up with shaking hands. There’s a long pause, whilst Phil unlocks the phone, then scrolls through what Dan had last been looking at. Dan’s curiosity gets the better of him quickly, and he sneaks a glance up at Phil, still concentrating, absorbed on the phone screen. Or so the thinks, right up until Phil looks down at him, making eye contact that Dan immediately shies away from. “Oh no you don’t...” Phil starts, standing up briefly, just enough to flop down back onto the bed on the other side of Dan, before rolling onto his side so he can face him on his level - if only he wasn’t still avoiding eye contact, or even looking at him, Phil’s choice of words having done nothing to soothe his fears that they’re heading towards a massive row. “Hi.” Phil begins, reaching over and poking Dan gently right between the eyebrows. “I hope you’re listening to me, cos I’m about to start listing in reverse order every stupid, daft, clumsy, utterly unimportant thing I’ve done that you’ve ignored or forgiven me for starting with the fact I just dropped the conditioner in the shower and wasted half the bottle…” Dan frowns, listening as Phil continues; “…fairly sure I left my tour hoodie at the venue yesterday, so that makes five…” This… It doesn’t make sense. He hit Phil in the face. He could have really hurt him, because he wasn’t being careful and- “Oi.” Phil interrupts, and it’s enough to derail his thoughts, stop them hurtling again. “You’re supposed to be listening to how terrible I am…” “‘m sorr- “ “Nope.” Phil immediately interrupts. “Nothing to be sorry for. We’re two lanky uncoordinated giants stuck in a tiny screened-off bit of a crowded room with loads of other people and I know however annoying I might get on a daily basis that you’d never actually try and hit me. So, no apologies, and no beating yourself up about it either. Else I will get annoyed, hear me?” “But-“ He tries to argue the point, because- “Yeah, I know, they know. And we know they know. But the only one taking this seriously that we need to take seriously is you.” “Phil. They- “ “Will have found something else to keyboard smash over by tomorrow.” he responds firmly, before his voice softens as he continues. “Dan… I’m not angry. I promise. And they’re… well, most of them are joking. I mean - it does look quite funny. Did you see my face when it happened?” He can’t help but chuckle quietly as he finishes, smiling at his boyfriend, reaching across to take his hand when he sees the aborted movement it makes. He’s relieved to see a smile, however tentative, appear on Dan’s face almost immediately. It’s at that point that there’s a knock at the door. Dan’s up in a flash, Phil barely has time to sit up before he’s yanking the door open. It takes him a little longer to reappear from the door of the room, but Phil assumes that’s due to the fact he’s carrying a large tray with their food balanced carefully when he does return. They sit next to each other on the bed, leaning against the headboard as they eat.  Phil thinks nothing of the silence that descends on the room, until he looks up when he’s about three-quarters done with his food, no longer ravenous, to find Dan has barely eaten anything, and instead of eating, he’s frowning down at his plate as he swirls his fork through the food. Phil places his plate back on the tray, and gently takes Dan’s out of his hands. When he turns back to his boyfriend, he finds him frowning at him, instead. That doesn’t change, even when Phil reaches out, gets his arms round his shoulders, and pulls Dan down with him as he shuffles down the bed. He’s lying somewhat comfortably, with Dan’s head resting on his shoulder, but he’s almost painfully aware of how stiffly Dan is lying, immobile, obviously still replaying the events of earlier in the day and punishing himself over it. This won’t do. He squeezes Dan in his arms tightly, and presses a line of kisses in his hair, to his temple, across his forehead and finishes on the end of his nose, huffing amusedly at Dan, frowning and cross-eyed as he watches him pull away to rest his head back on the pillow. Seizing his chance, he mouths “I. Love. You.” and as Dan raises his own head to press a kiss against his jaw, he smiles contentedly. “I love you too” he replies, lying back down, immediately curling into Phil’s body and tucking his face into his neck as he gets comfortable, before he finally, relaxes. Phil feels like cheering, like it’s a victory, but he’ll settle for the quiet moment and enjoy the intimacy whilst they can have it, as Dan’s arm creeps across his chest and gently tugs them that bit closer together. “I wanna stay…” he whispers, so quiet Phil feels it almost more than he hears it. He doesn’t blame him. He wants Dan to stay too – for them to spend the night curled together like this, rather than them separate in different rooms, and for Dan to be alone with his thoughts tonight. “So stay.” He replies, just as quietly, refusing to loosen his hold on Dan when he goes to move, to force himself to sit up; “Dan… just… please. Just a bit longer.” “Phil… I’m going to fall asleep and then-” “Shhh. Just a bit longer love.” He’s got a plan. And he’s determined to make it work. Sure enough, after another quiet period, Dan makes another two failed attempts to get up and leave, before he relaxes fully and Phil waits until his breathing evens out completely before he slowly and carefully slides out from under Dan’s body, then gently wraps the duvet around him, smiling as Dan immediately rolls himself over before settling. He retrieves Dan’s phone, plugging it into the charger and putting his own in his pocket, and finally brushes a kiss on Dan’s forehead before grabbing a change of clothes, his hotel room key and his trainers, before making for the door, closing it gently behind him. He’ll bring down a change of clothes for Dan in the morning.