I really love your style for some reason and your After Death au is scratching something in my brain in a good way. I really like the sibling dynamic for Cyn and Uzi here, hopefully it helps both of em because god knows both have been through the horrors and now with N out of the picture pretty much entirely ;-;

Thank you so so much!! The compliments mean a lot!

Also yes, Uzi and cyns sibling dynamic is like my favorite thing ever LOL. The after death trio needs eachother, even if one doesn’t admit it (COUGH COUGH V COUGH)

As for N however.

He’s not completely out of the picture, after all they currently have the same goal.

This is it :(

OMG OMG OMG - me, to myself the entire time. Okay but he's not the dragon reborn he's just the dragon.. okay fine. I get it's to help show-only people BUT STILL LTT should just be a bad bitch in his time. He made The Dragon happen! THEY DID IT. FAM THEY DID IT IT'S FUTURE PAST TIME AGE OF LEGENDS. He just wants to save the world, poor bby Lews. ~Mushroom Man~ Oh you mean LIKE RAND Moiraine? Egwene, just breathe. You poor thing. You're all so fucked. Look Perrin gets lines LET ME JOT IT DOWN. Oh we're talking about it? Interesting. I like that they're like "Hey, sooo we good?" Still hate that story choice but whatever. Moiraine is in like, some kind of manic state I swear. MALKIER. Okay if they can't touch things why can they SIT on them. Blight inconsistencies bugging me over here. Moiraine "I have three feelings and you are not privy to any of them" Damodred. NYNAEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Baby. Oh fuck all of this is so good but so sad. Nope, crying again. WE'RE GETTING THE FUCKING LINE. CRYING CRYING CRYING. It's so fucking good. Okay we didn't get ALL of the line, but it's enough. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH This is a dream right? "That was rude" Sup Ishamael. Somebody definitely got lost in the cull (RIP Be'lal) Rand Means Business. He's such a baby though. Nobody takes it seriously. Maybe don't insult Tam, Ishy-boy. Tam is Everybody's Dad. Rand "I have more feelings but you're not privy to them, take that!" LITTLE GREEN MAN. WE GOT 'EM. Introduction of Rand's self-esteem issues in 3, 2, 1... Nynaeve can't hear the wind anymore?? :( Moiraine is stressssssed af. Interesting, so she had a block? I do love their bonding over trauma. The blight looks like a cluster of starfish starfish. That's what it reminds me of. Everybody harassing Min and she's just like "I didn't even want to be here today." Oh shit. OH SHIT. Rafe you had better not hurt my baby Nynaeve or I will fucking riot. Uno :D :D :D I am traumatized already but he makes me smile. Uh wait I don't know what they need to do? Agelmar :( IT'S A WELLLL!!!! OMG I recognize that from different photos, I think from India? Rand, honey, she's on a death march. She's not gonna stay. Lan :( I really do love Amalisa's dress. Focusing on that instead of being sad. Failing. Oh god it's going to fall. Fuuuuuuck. Crying again. jfc. Everybody is doing what they can but they have no hope in themselves. It's breaking my heart. Not exactly the dark one, kiddo. That's a cradle. That's a fucking CRADLE. The Rand/Egwene dream baby we expected. But that does but an interesting spin on Min's visions. OH FUCK. Did he just fucking STILL her???????????? ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Good on you to run Min! What have we here? "Let them buy every step they take with blood" Five fucking channelers. Fuck. I mean Egwene and Nynaeve are EVERYTHING but damn. Perrin's anger showing up! God I love his casting. It's so fucking good just allow him to ACT YOU COWARDS. Snap out of it Rand. You know this isn't real! Ishamael you fucked up, because Rand KNOWS Egwene. And he knows she wouldn't want this and it’s not real. Well nevermind. He looked like he knew. Whelp, he knows now! Ishamael, you're peddling to the wrong Good Boy. You can't say she wasn't prepared. I love that everybody supports the builders. Like they could be pissed as fuck and immediately pause to be nice. I'm not ready. It's coming and I AM NOT READY. Noooooooooooooo. They couldn't make the horse sit still lol. RAND. RAND AL'THOR. I don't know if I love or hate Ishamael's suit. I'm still deciding. Padan Fain has entered the arena, the motherfucker. The HORNNNNNNN. Wondering when it would come say hello. Alright ladies, put your fucking game faces ON. It's go time motherfuckers. But also like, maybe be careful Nynaeve is a beast and she might be able to burn you out. I don't know the rules in show world. GET HIM PERRIN. Rand please just tell me you're trying to learn how to channel. I think you are but I have concerns. Also why didn't Moiraine tell him that she couldn't teach him because men channel differently???? NOW HE'S LEARNING FROM ISHAMAEL. Foreshadowing? I like that the lines from Egwene and Nynaeve are stronger. But Amalisa come on, calm down. BE CAREFUL. Don't fucking leave it there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rand. Oh god. That look on his face. Ishamael you're about to have a bad day. FUCK UP THOSE TROLLOCS. WAIT WAIT WAIT AMALISA. AMALISA HOLD ON. THERE HE FUCKING IS. RAND IS A FUCKING ANGEL SENT FROM ABOVE. ANYBODY WHO HATES HIM APOLOGIZE NOW. Moiraine is confused. "I did it." Oh honey :( Perrin FUCK UP FAIN. NOW. Loial!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I swear to fucking god. If they kill Loial I will personally cancel the show. Rut roh, I told you Amalisa. Breathe. Stop it. Nynaeve. NYNAEVE NYNAEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Oh fuck, Amalisa burned out but FUCK. I knew it happened but to see it like that... I always imagined the aftermath was like when [redacted] went out, but this is... honestly kind of prefer this, as awful as it is, it highlights the awfulness. The dagger! Mat in Shadar Logoth, interesting way to use existing footage of the actor. Rand :( Suicidal ideation coming on strong. Don't do this Rand! Fain fuck you. God the fear he has, it's so GOOD. Give this boy more lines! She lied to LAN!? HE DID STILL MOIRAINE. Perrin I'm so mad at you, but also like, I get it. Hold up. HOLD UP. You better clarify she didn't die. Because you can't heal death and we know that. I wonder if Rand is going to end up in the waste? Yeah, yeah it wasn't. What do we got here? Here they come to wreck the daaaaaaaaay! Dig the ship choice. The historical references are on point. OH MY GOD. ARE THEY FUCKING GAGGED??????? THE DAMANE ARE GAGGED?????? Ummm. Guys. Guys I cannot handle that. You can't just end on that.

(Although I did see brief spoilers that made me think the production still were FAR more kinky - didn’t see th ephotos themselves, just chatter and it had me concerned..)

(Full disclosure: from first look... I hate the makeup choices for the Seanchan. But we'll see if they grow on me.)

And that's... that's it. What the fuck am I going to do for the next year?

well, fuck.

this isn’t great. frankly its horrible.

it’s never fun being suspended so high in the air with the harsh winds blowing roughly in your direction forcing you to seek shelter against the icy and snowy mixture of rock that sits atop the towering mountain.

to be honest, had it been any other day this would’ve been thrilling. being up here in harsh conditions, struggling to hold on and testing my mental and physical capabilities would’ve been so much fucking fun.

but there are days where you just imagine the rope that holds you up so high, snapping and slicing against a sharp piece of rock as you plummet to your death. the sky is the last thing you see, the butterflies in your stomach going mad from the sudden drop and you can’t help but think, “im going to die.”

most people, in this case: climbers that is, don’t want to die. they understand the risks, they know that given what they do things are bound to happen and im someone who understands that concept very well. but some of us are just so desensitized to the point that death feels like nothing, we’re used to losing team mates, friends and lovers. i just didn’t understand why i wanted for it to happen to me so much.

climbing is a large part of my life amongst other things; friends, family and other significant factors. all pieces both large and small that factor into what i call my life, something that i can’t help but be grateful for. but sometimes i realize life is fleeting. i realize just how short it is and sometimes i realize that, you know what? im okay with dying. whether it be today, tomorrow or the day after, i understand that death is inevitable and sometimes i just yearn for it to happen a little faster.

it often comes and goes, starting with tears and ending with cold, blank and rather monotone eyes gazing into the emptiness. i don’t know what it feels like exactly, the physicality is easy to understand but when i have to put into words its too hard. but it feel freezing cold, isolation hurts, solitude is pain. im all alone with nothing and no one and in fact, i do think im alone despite everything.

i just know im alone.

i have so many people in my life but it’s hard for me to understand why they’re here, it becomes difficult for me to keep them in my life. i find it hard to continue to speak with lifelong friends, keep in touch with cousins and other family. my parents and siblings (my brothers only being 3 & 5) being the only people i can speak to without feeling so choked up.

i speak to people ive met here (tumblr) but it never goes past a few conversations that occur from time to time and to those i do talk consistently with i can’t help but feel like i annoy. sometimes people reach out to me for advice, for guidance and of course, i aid them. it only pains me a little to never be asked if im okay in return but whatever right? as long as the people are happy, then im happy.

here in nepal, it’s been nice. people are nice. the way of life is one that no one takes for granted and it makes me feel out of place, like a spoiled brat who just yearns so much to escape but i try my best to just take a deep breath and indulge. the buddhist culture here makes me understand the ways of life, living alongside other climbers and watching sherpas dance to the tune of death, twisting around and just barely sneaking past almost every time.

despite how beautiful it is with the towering peaks, glaciers and fields of luscious green grass. death holds a strong presence here, one that’s covered by the tourism and clusters of climbers. but one that’s never ignored, everything being worshipped. pooja ceremonies being held for safe journeys and honouring the beautiful land, the mother of it all with offerings. mother nature is honoured and yet, she still plucks us one by one.

last year on my winter expedition i met a boy, well a man. someone who was 12 years older than me, someone i grew to have feelings for that in fact were reciprocated. despite seeming inappropriate, it was all consensual, it was positive and perfect. there was no dirty intention behind it and despite the large age gap it quickly flourished into a sweet, relationship but i found myself growing distant.

we were both sponsored by the same company which is how we met, the both of us being skiers and climbers. people who understood the dangers of venturing out into the wild, knowing what it meant to leave it all behind and pursue your wildest dreams.

he was perfect for me and yet, i broke up with him while living in nepal. i didn’t know why i did at first and it took me a lot of thinking. a lot of time being alone and realizing that throughout my whole life id been accustomed to supporting myself, knowing that there was no one else for me but me. perhaps it was the mixture of dreadful trauma id faced when i was younger, things i never told anyone, things that i only now realize just how bad they were.

regardless, the past is the past and i know i can’t let it hold me down and yet it’s just so hard to keep living when you know just how gravely you’ve been damaged. but i always tell myself that there’s someone out there who’s got it worse, someone who hasn’t stopped suffering from the day they’ve been brought into this world and until this very day.

like them i also wander the earth and yet i have an advantage, one that i should never take for granted and that being that everything that had happened, is over. i shouldn’t let it bring me down and ruin all the good things i have now.

so anyways, what lead to me ultimately breaking down was when i found myself like i mentioned before climbing upwards, fifteen pitches ahead in the air with my team around me. belayed upwards as i find myself freezing momentarily when the snow from above comes falling down, raining down on me as the wind whips me in the face.

it felt so cold, i couldn’t help but press my forehead against the wall and look downwards at my dangling feet. my hands were numb, my ice pick wedged into the snow and ice, my toes just barely warm. i just found myself observing how far away the ground was from where i hung. the distance from where i spiralled about to the ground was like how disconnected i felt from the earth. physically i am here but mentally im lost. where am i? i don’t know, maybe ill know someday? but what if i just don’t try anymore and let it all go, the place im in isn’t a bad place to die in fact, it’s beautiful.

but i can’t let myself plummet to the ground in front of people i know, i can’t traumatize them. i can’t be selfish and hurt others, id already done it once and that was to the man i loved.

pushing forwards we finished climbing, taking in the air at the top and looking down at everything. feeling like we were in fact on top of the world when really this was only one of the peaks we decided to acclimatize to in preparation for the everest/lhotse push that would happen in the next two months.

the feeling was the same as always, a feeling of satisfaction. you feel unstoppable at the top of the mountain, like there’s nothing and no one in your path and yet for the first time i felt anxious.

i felt like i was going to throw up. it didn’t feel great to be up here, i didn’t know why at that moment but when we began rappelling downwards i couldn’t help but think about how cold hearted i was for breaking up with him. there was no reason for me to do so and yet, i just did. it wasn’t right and it took me sometime to realize why. i needed to make sure i could at least put in the effort to do something.

the trek back to base camp was agonizing. i felt like i couldn’t breath properly, falling out of tune with my surroundings and just marching forwards. my team looking like blobs of colourful parkas. silently i felt myself weeping and just feeling like shit. i hated this.

it was embarrassing, i always made sure to peel myself apart and cry when there was no one around and yet here i was crying with people i knew and got to know around me. one of my leaders, who was a single mom that was a total badass in the mountains and one of the best ski mountaineer ive met (she’s also my team lead) spotted me falling apart and staggered behind to talk things out with me and i began to find comfort in consolidating in someone.

this was something i never even did with my own mother. this was the first time i looked for guidance in someone who’d lived longer than me and understood how grief, sadness and just a clusterfuck of emotions works.

with every step i took i slowly pieced the answers i needed for my puzzle piece and now here i am sitting inside my tent typing this foolish rant. my fingers lingering over the call button of the contact id for my ex boyfriend.

i think ill call him and apologize.

it’ll be a good first step.

update: things have been solved (relationship wise) but i don’t feel too good mentally nor physically. unfortunately, i received heartbreaking news that my bestfriend passed away and i feel lost. i don’t know what’s going on, what’s going to happen and i just feel guilty and pathetic. despite that comment, the less people see this the better, it’s not good energy and it’s just negatively going to affect others but i can’t dip without an explanation.

things are on a queue.

Back in the days of LJ, I used to try and do a post at the end of each year, looking back primarily at fandom and fic. I fell out of the habit when everything moved to tumblr, and then it seemed like I didn’t have anything to say since I wasn’t writing or really participating any. 

But I always liked the idea of it, because I love to be overly reflective on stuff. And talk about my fic. Any excuse! I shuffled around some of the topics I used back then and added a few I’ve seen around that I liked. It got… long, because I TALK, so I split into two sections. 

*

Your main fandom of the year? 

    Marvel (MCU) for sure. Primarily with characters from Spider-Man and Iron Man movies.

Your favorite film watched this year?

    The Old Guard - I saw a couple trailers and everything about it looked like catnip. ‘It’s probably going to be so dumb, but I don’t even care,’ I thought. And then it was so good. It was so much fun and so much smarter than I expected and I loved each and every character and it just made me happy in so many ways.

Your favorite book read this year?

    Red, White, and Royal Blue, Casey McQuiston - I read it twice this year actually. It’s so… cute isn’t the right world. Sweet and hopeful and soft and comforting and intense. I liked every single character which is pretty rare. I cried during the sad parts and then again at the happy ending, like straight up sobbed - both times. I already want to read it again.

Your favorite tv show watched this year?

    Schitt’s Creek - I started it on a whim and because a lot of people had said it was good. The episodes were short so it wasn’t a huge time investment. The first season was a little rough, but there were enough funny moments that I hung on, and then… I kept getting fonder and fonder of these idiots as they grew. And THEN… it kept not disappointing me? 

     You grow to expect certain scripts, twists, jokes, especially in queer story lines. To wait for the bad thing to happen, because it always does. Instead, Schitt’s Creek kept going, ‘hey, here’s the set up for that! Guess what? We’re not doing it. Here’s the happy version instead.’ The relief of having that happen again and again - the last season I’ve watched (I’m sort of saving 6) I cried a bunch but it was always because I was happy. 

Your favorite album or song to listen to this year?

    1896 - I’ve been waiting for the new Steam Powered Giraffe album so eagerly for aaaaaages. Finally getting recordings of Zero’s songs! Lying Awake remains my favorite off the album, with Eat Your Heart and Bad Days on the Horizon high up there as well. I’m loving what Zero brings to the band.

Your best new fandom discovery of the year?

    I don’t know if I really did discover that much? I stuck pretty closely to old fandoms and the ones I picked up in 2019. Maybe Zodiac? It was definitely inspiring, and I want to write and read more in it. 

    Maybe the couple discords I joined? I still really dislike discord and am not on there much, and mostly lurk when I am, but having somewhere vaguely like the comms I remember makes me feel a little less isolated. It’s the potential, that maybe if I said something I might make a friend, or someone might actually want to hear what I say. 

Your biggest fandom disappointment of the year?

    The Watch - I mean, I knew it was going to be a disaster with every word said during pre production. I wasn’t ever going to be happy with it. And then it came out and was even worse and uglier and … disrespectful not just of the source material but of actual people connected to Terry. I’m beyond disappointed that this is what we got, and it’s probably going to be a long time before we get anything else. 

    Devil All the Time was terrible, but I didn’t have especially high hopes. It still didn’t manage to meet them. Yikes.

The most missed of your old fandoms?

    Maybe MASH? Someone I follow started talking about it and I was reminded all over again of the wonderful fics in that fandom. I went looking and a lot are gone (still on my computer, lol, but not online), but rereading was such a trip. A slightly depressing trip, but still. 

The fandom you haven't tried yet, but want to?

    Hmm. I’ve kind of not had the energy to invest in other fandoms at the moment? When The Witcher was having it’s big moment back in January, I had a feeling I might enjoy it enough to fall headfirst into the fandom, so I avoided watching it. Ikr? I don’t have the time or the energy to actively seek anything out. 

Your biggest fan anticipations for the New Year?

    SO EXCITED about Winter’s Orbit. I mean, the third Spider-Man movie for sure, with worry. The second Venom movie, ugh yes. I have tentative hopes for Jungle Cruise? Jumanji was stellar and I always enjoy Dwayne. I have both hope and dread for the new Suicide Squad - I did love Birds of Prey, so if it’s along those lines, yay. The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard because it should be some fun garbage, my favorite kind. I don’t know how I feel about Dune, but, uh, I’m anticipating it. It seems highly unlikely it will actually happen, but The Wheel of Time TV series. 

I want to be excited about Black Widow but it’s hard. It’s not the story I’ve been wanting to see, and I’m angry about Natasha not getting a movie until she’s dead.

You know. If any of it is released for real.

The Good: 

I moved to a better place. I got a better paying, better benefits, better environment job that lets me work from home. The house acquired 3-7 more cats depending on the month. I was able to get some serious problems on my car fixed. I have insurance and was able to start on some health stuff. No one I know got sick or died. I wrote a LOT.

The Bad: 

Aside from the obvious? Depression hitting extra hard during the winter. Having to put two kittens to sleep. Have my car be hit three times in our parking lot. Being driven INSANE by one of the cats for months while the vets were all closed. Kidney stone. Dealing with several health problems. Stalling for months on Gotcha.

The Indifferent: 

Not leaving the house often or easily. Enjoying a new fandom but not doing great at making connections (still real awkward, bud). Raising kittens and saying goodbye. Need new tires. Reading a lot of fic but not a lot of books. Having more pay but more expenses as well (wth insurance??). 

*

2020 fic stats

Number of stories: 39

Number of fandoms: 6? Or 2, if you cluster the others under mcu

Total number of words: 152049

Average word count per story: 4kish

Longest fic: Causality (18k, P/Q)

Shortest fic: Can’t, Won’t (1k, P/Q)

Most comments received: Sieche (49, T/P)

Fandom you wrote the most of: MCU Spider-Man - I only wrote TWO fics that didn’t feature that fandom, wow. And one of those was still MCU.

Fandom you wrote the least of: Zodiac (1!)

Events you participated in: Marvel Trumps Hate, Kinktober, IornspidersGeorg Exchange, Starker Festivals Exchange, MCU Secret Santa, Spiderio Big Bang

*

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted?

    SO MUCH MORE OMG. I mean, even just counting posted stuff! (I probably wrote a solid 300k of Gotcha this year.) I did not expect or plan on doing Kinktober, so that’s a whole 31 fics right there. I also wasn’t planning on doing any exchanges - I have a History - but then I did three? And beyond that, I did not expect for everything to get so LONG.

Topic you wrote that you would never have predicted in January:

    Tony/Quentin. Goddammit @the-me09 They were like hey, they could be interesting! And while I agreed, I had no ideas for them. THEN they had to go and write Just Bodies That Collide and next thing I know, I’ve got ten fics featuring them and two-six series focused on them or Peter/Quentin/Tony. What the fuck. 

Leitmotif of the year:

    Vulnerability, I think. I had a bunch of things typed up and they all circle back to vulnerability in the end; sex, being seen, being wanted, sharing trauma, asking for help, trying something new. Offering a soft spot in the hopes it won’t be hurt. 

Favorite character to write about: 

    Tony Stark, for sure. There are just a bunch of slightly different takes, and a lot of canon to work with (kind of frustrating too though). And I’m a sucker for emotionally damaged snarky traumatized characters that are viewed poorly both in universe and out. 

Favorite kind of fic to write:

    This year? Fluff and smut combined. Maybe that’s not the right term really. I keep looking for and writing, even in the angstiest fics, for those soft moments. Sure, maybe it’s a super smutty kink scene, but I want the affection to be obvious. Maybe everyone is consumed by guilt, but I want it to be based in caring too much. Maybe there’s no real love, just sex and even that’s messed up, but I want to find that tiny bit of fondness. 

    And I want happy endings. Or endings that look like they’re going to be happy, at least, even if there’s all the angst first. I don’t think I’ve killed anyone this year? Who AM I? 

Biggest disappointment:

    Not finishing the rough draft of Gotcha. I was making such good progress in 2019, from August to December. Even after the move, I basically finished part 6 in January. I fumbled around and fussed with 1 a lot, but that had already been given one draft, really, and I got through half of 4 before I slowed to a stop. I’ve barely gotten anything accomplished on it since June. Bits and pieces here and there, but nothing significant, not like I was doing. I can excuse October, due to 80k invested in Kinktober (yikes!), but aside from that… I’m sad. I’ll finish it eventually, but I really thought I could have the first draft done in a year. I’m sitting at about 480k out of what I’m almost certain will be 700k. 

Biggest surprise:

    Kinktober! It was kind of spur of the moment, decided just a week in advance. I’ve tried month long or even like, 20-25 day long challenges and I don’t think I’ve ever completed one. I thought there was a good chance I’d do so again, so I gave myself a little help and made my own list of prompts, things I knew I liked and hadn’t done much of yet. And it worked? I actually completed it, what the hell? Despite spending five days travelling near the end! Despite falling behind in getting ahead and writing a bunch of stories the day they were to be posted! Despite apparently forgetting how to do short form! 

    I, uh, could have done without the spawning of eleven series or sequels or continuations jfc WHY SELF.

Something you learned this year:

    Ideas breed ideas. I swear to god, the second I sit down to think through a current idea, I wake up the next morning with three more. 

    Words need to be restocked. I need to consume new - not rereads, not fic - content every so often to refresh my word bank. It is astonishing how quickly writing goes again after I’ve done so.

    I can write so much more than I thought I could. I can do so much more than I thought I could. Yes, I can complete challenges without dropping out early. Yes, I can do exchanges and not regret it. Yes, I can write more than 100k, more than 200k, more and more - and I can write 10k+ easily too. Though I wouldn’t mind if I could once again write less than 10k without feeling like I’ve cut off in the middle. 

    My time is shrinking, and if I want to write as much, I’m going to have to make the time. I can’t rely on three days off a week, on seven hours of uninterrupted overnight shifts, on hyper focused writing binges that leave everything else around me on fire. 

Most memorable comment: 

    So, so many! I can’t pick one. I’ve been really lucky to get a bunch of really detailed, enthusiastic, analyzing comments across all different fics. One of the types that always sticks with me are the ones like ‘I didn’t think/know I liked this ship/kink/twist, but fuck, apparently I do? You made me, what the hell?’. 

What, if anything, are you going to try to do differently in your writing in the new year?

So with writing Gotcha but not posting until it’s done, my view of what I’ve written vs anyone else’s is extremely skewed. I’m sitting here thinking, hey I’m 400k in and got another 10k done today, so much writing! While anyone looking at my AO3 account (for most of the year) is like, you’re averaging three months between fics :(

    All that to say I want to try and get something posted more frequently while I’m working on Gotcha.

    Also, writing for kinktober was really interesting - pushing myself to write every single day, often for that day’s post, forced me to get back into shorter form fic. Which used to be all I did? But it was surprisingly hard to just stop and not write more. So I’d like to challenge myself to write more fics under 10k at least. Maybe even under 5k though that might be asking a lot lol. I might get there with the many continuations of those fics I’d like to do. Does that count?

Goals:

   I want to hit 365 fics. :) I’m only 32 away!

    Aside from writing - 

    I’ve really enjoyed the reading record sideblog I started this year. I’ve let it lapse a little the past month or so, but I’d like to keep it going strong. 

    I’d like to leave a lot more comments. I want to get better about allowing imperfection - I want to write The Best Comment, but in the end? Probably 90% of fic writers are going to be happier with a comment expressing enjoyment in any way over no comment at all. 

And not just on fics, but on general posts as well. It’s hard not to feel… weird and stupid and invasive and rude leaving any sort of comment on someone’s post if I don’t know them at least a little. I have godawful rejection sensitive dysphoria and a lot of interactions that ended poorly; I’m really not good at people. But as dumb as it feels to say those things, I know I am thrilled and warmed and happier when there’s a reblog with tags or a note or a comment or an ask or just, any small interaction that shows someone out there notices and cares, at least a little. There’s no reason I can’t at least try to offer that to other people. 

    I’d like to make/run a couple challenges of my own, later in the year. I’m still figuring out what I want to do and what I could do. I’m really interested in doing something that’s not focused on creators, but the readers; some sort of comment or rec challenge maybe.

    I want to find a cheerleader for Gotcha. I’m struggling to keep up my motivation to write it when it’s already in my head, where I can ‘read’ it any time. There’s a line between depending too much on external validation and trying to generate all your validation yourself, and I’m getting to a point where I think I need to ask for help (gasp! The hardest thing EVER). 

*

(Part Two: Pick Some Fics)

Achievements Unlocked?

The last decade has COMPLETELY shaped who I am now and the fact that it ends today and essentially sends me off into the next one where turning 30 is the end is something I can’t wrap my head around and not just bc it’s barely 9am as I’m writing it. Ten years hasn’t felt like ten years and all the shit that’s happened during those ten years feels like it’s happened in the last like,,, 3.

Basically this is just me going How The Fuck Did All Of This Happen In A Decade and highlighting the big things that shaped who I am now.

Uhhh this is long I’m gonna-

2010/2011 (Shit’s A Blur):

I started noticing aesthetic interests I had.

I developed my love for the outdoors and exploration.

I started realizing vaguely spooky things were really intriguing to me.

I got SUPER into Harry Potter.

Which lead to me creating my first two Ocs.

I started switching from drawing animals/landscapes to drawing people.

I made my first cluster of friends I hoped I’d have forever. (Spoiler alert: only still have one of em).

2012:

I started identifying with punk rock & emo culture/aesthetics.

I made my first cluster of online friends (Spoiler alert: don’t talk to any of em now)

I got into YouTubers.

I got into anime.

I made my first “blog.” It was a Facebook page for a fictional character.

I discovered my favorite band.

I made my first online friend I hoped I’d have forever (still have em so far!)

I met my future wife.

I started roleplaying with Ocs.

Which lead to making more.

I started drawing digitally using bases. Which started my improvement.

I made my own first little community via my FB page.

Which lead to an rp group of more friends I hoped I’d have forever (still got a handful of em!)

I discovered my other favorite bands.

I started using Skype.

I got into more anime.

My parents were officially fully separated. 

Which began the very start of realizing my dad was verbally abusive.

Congrats Isa, You Need Glasses You Dumb Fuck. Hooray astigmatism.

I graduated 8th grade.

2013:

I was essentially forced to move in with my dad for high school.

I started high school.

Officially became total anime trash and started watching them like crazy.

I THINK I hit 100 Ocs at some point this year. Just kept makin them from here.

Met my first cluster of irl forever friends (spoiler alert: only have 1 now).

Learned having Ocs was Not Just An Isa Thing, Holy Shit I Thought I Was Just Weird.

Promptly fell in love with learning about other people’s Ocs.

Realized Wow, I Kinda Can’t Stand My Dad And I Don’t Trust Him.

Had my first boyfriend. *gag* He was nasty.

Experienced my first long distance relationship. It lasted 3 days.

2014/2015 (Shit’s Also Blurry):

Got another long distance boyfriend. First relationship I genuinely liked the person.

I realized talking multiple people through the lowest points of their lives and keeping them from harming themselves was a sign I should maybe get into psychology and do that as a job.

I started getting interested in researching mental disorders.

Realized Okay Yeah, I Lowkey Hate My Dad

Realized I had A Concerning Amount Of Symptoms Of Depression. Fuck.

Realized Huh, Girls Are Pretty Too,,,

My friend taught me about bi and pansexuality. Casually started identifying as pan. Didn’t know shit about LGBT+ stuff.

Was shown a video by my friend. Decided Wow I Really Like This Screaming Potato Guy.

Acquired one more forever friend I still have.

Got slapped in the face by Gravity Falls.

My mom moved out of the rural town I just spent the last like 8 Years Of My Own Character Development In, Dammit

I realized money and finances Fucking Sucks.

Had the,, probably worst year of my adolescence. Angry, depressed, sick of my dad. It was Not Great. Almost started self-harming, only didn’t because I’d be a hypocrite if I did after helping my friends stop doing it.

Homestuck invaded my life around here I think.

Decided I’m Gonna Live With My Online Friends One Day! (spoiler alert: nope).

Was kinda forced by my dad to move out of the apartment I lived in and therefore forced to transfer schools.

Got to meet my future wife irl for the first time. Wow that was,, so gay before we even realized.

Okay Hold On, This New School Is,,, Really Nice.

2016:

New school. New me. New friends. New everything. Fuckity shit fuck.

Okay wait they have an anime club like my other school did we good.

Met another two forever friends that I think really are forever friends now.

Angry Shitty Depression Time Died Down A Little.

Somehow learned about evilsonas. Huh, Does Jack Have One? ... Ok Cool, They’re All People’s Ocs. Meh.

Started learning how to drive. Oh My God This Is Fun.

Lost my second ever pet and was... very confused when I wasn’t as traumatized as I was the first time I lost a pet.

Boyfriend kinda Thanos snapped from existence bc his irl life was hectic.

Experienced what it’s like to have a friend that died.

Wow my irl best friend is hot. ... Okay I Think Boyfriend’s Absence Is Bothering Me. *proceeds to ignore that*

Gets into some more bands.

Knock Knock, You Have Separation Anxiety, Isa.

Finally decided to try out high school things like homecoming. Ooh That Was Actually Fun.

The beginning of the worst end to a friendship I’ve ever had starts. Not Handling It Well.

Discovered Fooster. Cue hyperfixation on new favorite YouTuber and more new friends.

Wait What The Fuck What Just Happened To Jack’s Camera,,,, OH MY GOD HE ISN’T-

HE IS. OH FUCK HE IS. MMMMHELLO KNIFE MAN.

Totally forgets he exists for the next like 10 months.

Realization I Really Fucking Love Halloween.

Discovered what asexuality is and immediately identifies because I thought I was just weird.

Hmm maybe I should start watching this Markiplier guy

Big Sad Times, My Friends Graduated. Next Year Gonna SUCK.

Tried out Dungeons & Dragons. Fuckin loved it.

2017:

Ah fuck I’m a senior in high school this is gonna be a trip.

Discovered I like photography.

Literally where did this school year go it’s so blurry.

Was convinced to end the relationship with boyfriend. He’s still a good bean.

Hey uhhhh online best friend do u big gay.

WE big gay.

Found a book I really like that isn’t Harry Potter, damn it’s about time.

Ok But This Book Really Fucked Me Up, I Love It.

OH FUCK WAIT I’M GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL.

Oh that wasn’t so bad.

Actually had to be PUSHED by my friends to have my first kiss with my girlfriend at my graduation party because I was too busy going [dkasjdjf] about having her physically in my presence at all.

First super memorable vacation. Wow I Fucking Love Traveling.

Got to meet another online friend!! I am,, incredibly lucky about being able to do that, this was like the 4th friend I got to meet.

[That one motion blur conspiracy theorist meme] SABRINA IM TELLING U JACK IS UP TO SOMETHING HIS TWITTER IS FUCKY

Gets punched in the throat with Kill Jacksepticeye on the way home from vacation and remembers how much I fucking love Anti

TIME FOR COLLEGE. I made a mistake.

TIME FOR COMMUNITY COLLEGE. Much Better.

Friend I Still Have From High School 1/2 introduced me to Bendy and the Ink Machine. HYPERFIXATION TIME BABEY.

Let’s,,, lets try Tumblr. Jack exists there a lot. And so does good art of everything I’m interested in.

Wait Who’s This Baby With The Mustache, JACK EXPLAIN

Okay there’s More Going On Here, lets get active in the community.

WHY THE FUCK IS THERE SECURITY FOOTAGE. THIS IS SKETCH. THIS ISOH MOTHERFUCKER ITS ANTI

Isa: Become Theorist

The rest is history, really, all stuff I’ve posted about on here. xD

And knowing me I’ve left out other highlighted bits but remembering all of this is,,, really exhausting lmao, I’m surprised I jotted down as much as I did in Relatively Chronological Order.

hi friends i’m annie and i’m s t o k e d to be here. read below for info on my sweet emmy and like this to plot! joining the discord soon xoxo

╰ * ✶ . ever notice emmaline alderidge kinda looks like diana silvers? they’ve got 550k followers on instagram, but that’s no surprise. their instagram bio says they identify as cis female and go by she/her. they just turned twenty two, right? word around la is they’re kinda impetuous and mealymouthed, but you couldn’t tell online. does it matter when your family’s net worth is $110m? ❪ annie, she/her, est ❫

⋆ ◦ ° ☾ background + personality

emmaline is the only child of matias and lisabeth alderidge, american millionaires who made their fortune by winning a set of high-profile cases before retiring in their fifties to devote their efforts to philanthropy.

growing up emmaline (often opting to go by emmy) had everything she could have desired - trips ‘round europe, beautiful gowns, bullshit organic meals prepared by an in-house chef and a summer home on martha’s vineyard.

when she was young she fit in wonderfully with this life, the prime example of a budding socialite. she made conversation with stock-brokers and attorneys and achieved the highest marks in school. she would not be seen without having the finest garments on and she always entertained. she wanted to be likeable to a fault.

she was diagnosed with ewing’s sarcoma when she was fifteen. clusters of tumors lined her collarbone and upper arm, requiring a multi-year ordeal of chemo, surgery and radiation.

her parents took this and ran with it…creating the ‘alderidge foundation for ewing’s sarcoma.” this was a kind gesture, one that emmy supported at first, but later grew to detest. she hated having a namesake...one public memory of her experience that would stay with her and force her to talk about the most traumatic time of her life with any wealthy friend willing to give.

the foundation operates from the generosity of donors and provides research dollars to study the particular mutation found in em’s tumor cells. this means lots! of! galas! (that emmaline doesn’t want to attend lmao)

she would much rather have frank discussions about survivorship - including talks about sex and body image and how to get drunk on a tuesday without screwing with her medication schedule. she loves mom and dad but feels as if they want to do philanthropy to show face.

now she’s living alone in la as a bit of a runaway (still funded tho lol). she’s the sweetest little bean who is still trying to figure things out. if you catch her alone you can find her pressing some flowers in the pages of her journal or attending community social justice meetings. a champagne socialist if you will.

she works in an art gallery and tries to go unnoticed but everyone is like psych you’re a fckn alderidge and you got this job because you’re rich as shit.

⋆ ◦ ° ☾ headcanons

she has 550k followers on instagram, a relatively low number for the group, but only because every once and a while she has a nervous break and deletes her account before re-making it so less people are watching her life. each time she claims it was a technical glitch. lies.

a bit of a prudish, nervous type but went through a phase where she made-out with half of la in an attempt to feel something again. maybe even your muse!

has a recurring dream where she moves to luxembourg and spends the remainder of her days alone with a bulldog, taking hikes and drinking tea. her therapist says this means her psyche wants anonymity. she thinks she is just sick of warm weather. in denial much?

when she inherits the aldridge estate she plans on shutting down her parent’s foundation and establishing her own fund where she gives large sums of money to sick kids to spend on whatever they want. just a bunch of hand-outs. nothing more. short-sited? probably. could she do more good by thinking this through? absolutely. will she ever change her mind? unlikely. 

honestly this is probably because she can’t have biological kids due to treatment and deals with this sadness by resigning herself to dying broke after giving everything she has to people she relates to. also she wants to spite her own tax bracket. y i k e s !

⋆ ◦ ° ☾ wanted connections

i’m going to leave this rather basic for now but give me childhood loves and first kisses and high school bullies and travel friends and hook-ups and enemies that only hate each other because of a feud between their parents and the one dude that introduced her to pot brownies. it’s! all! open!

for the fanfic ask game: F, H, N, S. plus any 2 questions you want to answer?

F - Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

Ok to make this fun I’ll share a scene I haven’t yet published! Dialogue is my favorite thing to write because the characters live in dialogue--in my opinion--and I love playing with them!

This is from my WIP Mythea Asylum AU. It’s a Markiplier Ego thing starring Edward Iplier and Bim Trimmer. This scene is a little fight between the two as they pretend they aren’t madly in love with one another. I love it because they’re flustered, passionate gays and then they become awkward shy babies when they realize how close they are to one another. I love shifts in character like this. I probably sound like an arrogant jerk going on like this but I just love dialogue I could go on forever.

***

               “You set her up for failure!” Edward slammed his fist on his desk. “You put her next door to that boy and you knew-“

               “I didn’t know!” Trimmer said. “You think I would put him in danger? You think any of this is what I intended, Edward? You’ve been here less than a season! I grew up here! Nobody knows these people like I do. Nobody cares for them as much as I do! How dare you insinuate that I would do something to harm my residents!”

               Edward rolled his eyes, “Of course your residents! Just remember I’m well aware how you get funded! Bonuses for breakthroughs and patients cured. I know you’re chomping at the bit to make an example out of her!”

               Trimmer swung, but it was half-hearted, and Edward ducked out of the way, but caught him when he stumbled. Trimmer fisted his hands in Edward’s white coat, resting his forehead against his shoulder as he gathered himself, “You… you bastard.”

               Both of them were breathing heavily, the sounds of it choked under the buzzing silence of the room. Slowly, Edward started to laugh, and Trimmer joined him, and they were holding one another in mild hysterics, “Oh my what a passionate display of buffoonery.”

               “I’m sorry,” Trimmer said. “I let my emotions get the better of me.”

               “As did I,” Edward said. “I know you wouldn’t purposefully put them in danger I just… you wouldn’t believe the men I’m used to working with. I forget it isn’t a fight with you.”

               Trimmer smoothed Edward’s lapels as he straightened, wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes, “Quite alright. We both have a lot to learn from one another. Thank you for not beating me into the ground.”

               “Don’t let this physique fool you,” Edward said. “I’m a lover, not a fighter.”

               Trimmer blushed, scratching the back of his neck, “Right, well, my glasses are expensive. So… what do we do about our lovebirds?”

***

H - How would you describe your style?

Character Study? I love to explore the human animal in my stories. I like putting characters into situations be they intimate, emotional or traumatizing. I think the most interesting part of a character is how they change under different sorts of pressure.

N - Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you?

Honestly I’m way too protective of my stories to want to give them away but I would adore a long multi chapter story about the origins of all of the Sanders Sides from Thomas’ birth (Ok I lied I’m currently working on that but still. If somebody beats me to it I can rest)

S - Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?

*unfurls a twenty-foot long scroll* ahem.

Whump trope where the whumpee falls for the whumper out of desperation of delirium

Trope where the villain becomes an ally with the hero against an even worse villain

Trope where two characters keep accidentally misinterpreting the increasingly obvious hints that they like one another

Best friends who are like “no way we would never date” until they start dating

gay panic

Secret relationships to keep up public appearances

R - Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?

Stephen King, @poem-is-dead @asreoniplier @lace-maze @coconut-cluster I hold them in equal esteem! Their writing is transcendent!

X - A character you enjoy making suffer

CHASE BRODY I love torturing the sad dad.

South Park: The affect of Abuse and ACEs on Behavior

One thing that’s been a hot topic in the SP fandom as of late is the discussion of how the behavior (both past and present) of the child characters are affected by the experiences we’ve seen/heard about in canon. Today we’re going to talk a little about three of the most damning cases; Cartman, Tweek and Butters.

Disclaimer 1: This analysis will contain several mentions of childhood trauma such as abuse, neglect and sexual relations. Please be mindful that you have been warned.

Disclaimer 2: This is for the sake of analysis and application of knowledge that I (and those in the SP analysis discord) have. We are in no way professionals. I am only a preschool teacher so my knowledge in the field of abuse and neglect is limited to what I’ve been taught and what I have witnessed/experienced. Please take the speculation with a grain of salt… maybe even the whole shaker. Just dump it in your mouth and enjoy almost 4,000 words of fully sourced “its not that deep, fam”.

Preface: What We Know about Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)

Before we can really dive into this whole thing, we need to discuss ACEs. These are, to put it simply, traumatic events that occur during childhood that can have lasting effects on a person’s social/emotional, cognitive and even physical development well into adulthood. They’re mostly used for identifying children/people at risk and for research. It’s pretty interesting how that’s done, so I implore you to research more if you’re curious. These experiences can include:

Physical abuse

Sexual abuse

Emotional abuse

Physical neglect

Emotional neglect

Intimate partner violence

Mother treated violently

Substance misuse within household

Household mental illness

Parental separation or divorce

Incarcerated household member

(Source)

Given we’re talking about Cartman, Butters and Tweek, I think you can see why I bring this up. Taking a look at this list and the canon evidence we have in show, it’s easy to say that they’ve all experienced some of these traumas. Two more important things from the source article should also be noted for the sake of this analysis:

ACEs cluster. Almost 40% of the Kaiser sample reported two or more ACEs and 12.5% experienced four or more. Because ACEs cluster, many subsequent studies now look at the cumulative effects of ACEs rather than the individual effects of each.

ACEs have a dose-response relationship with many health problems. As researchers followed participants over time, they discovered that a person’s cumulative ACEs score has a strong, graded relationship to numerous health, social, and behavioral problems throughout their lifespan, including substance use disorders.

“Chey, what the fuck are you on about? This doesn’t make sense!” you might be saying. To truly understand how these ACEs apply to these three kids and how they affect their behavior, let’s take a look at them on a case by case basis.

Cartman’s Case

Eric Cartman is probably the most interesting child in terms of applying the ACEs checklist, as well as other knowledge about abuse and neglect affects on children. We know, from canon, that Cartman lives with his single mother. He’s a low-income family. His mother has been/may still be a sex worker. He’s is very inclined to violence and seems obsessed with sexual topics. It’s very interesting to note that towards the beginning of the series, while evidences were present, Cartman was a lot more innocent. As the show went on and some of these ACE experiences actually happened in building canon, it’s worn on him and shaped him in real time into the character we know today.

ACE 1: Sexual Abuse. It’s been strongly implied that Cartman has been sexually abused.Here is a not-so-short list of examples from the fanon wiki (source). It’s long winded and detailed, so here are a few notable points (as well as some that I’ve added myself).

Engaged in inappropriate/sexual behavior for his age, such as “touching wieners” with one of his cousins (le petit tourette), giving handjobs (Fat Butt and Pancake Head), insisting on measuring penises of his classmates (TMI), putting Butters’ penis in his mouth (Cartman Sucks)

Has been sexually abused by his mother/because of his mother (An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig)

Has been abused by several adult men ON SCREEN (The Simpsons Already Did It, Cripple Fight, Cartman Joins NAMBLA, AWESOM-O, The Return of Chef, It’s A Jersey Thing)

There’s also the strong point that Cartman has come to associate sex/love as something undesired, humiliating or painful. Again, the wiki wonderfully spells these out, but I’ll summarize. Cartman constantly treats any form of sexual or romantic relations as rape and assault. One example is in the Coon and Friends trilogy, he believes a woman having a consensual relationship with a man in the park is being “raped” and needs to be saved. Another example is his expressed sadness at the New Kid’s “dad fucked your mom” backstory in FBW. Another one that is not often touched upon in his reaction to Tweek and Craig’s fight in Tweek X Craig, in which he exclaims wholeheartedly that the two of them getting into an alteration is “sex” and seems intrigued to watch what’s going to happen. He also uses sex as a form of humiliation. I’m sure this is common knowledge at this point but his infatuation with making Kyle suck his balls in Imaginationland but also in his culmination of Butters’ photographical humiliation (AKA, sticking his penis in his mouth).

It’s not talked about on the ACEs website, but children who are sexually abused are likely to exhibit disdain (but interest) in sexual relations and acting sexually mature for their age.

ACE 2 and 3: Emotional abuse and neglect. Now, before I start this, you’re probably going to say, “BUT CHEY! Liane loves and dotes on Cartman! That’s why he’s spoiled!” Boy, do I hear you, but I’m going to explain myself. While Liane does spoil Cartman to hell and back, I’d like to argue that it’s empty. Liane may often tell Cartman she loves him, she also uses tactics such as bribery (food and other things Cartman likes), neglect (Cartman has said in canon, and she’s admitted herself, to being too busy to deal with him due to being a single parent), and also exposes him to things he should not be exposed to (sex, drugs). She treats him like a friend or a companion rather than her son (Tsst) which allows Cartman to have free reign. But free reign is not always out of love and care. I’d like to argue a lot of Cartman’s power is from lack of parenting and involvement in his life.I’m sorry if this part isn’t phrased too well; I had a hard time articulating it.

This may also be why Cartman has such a mixed relationship with his mother. He’s fed the idea that things are okay and great, that nothing is wrong, and he literally eats it up. He’s not outwardly talkative about what goes on at home, and when he is, he seems to regret it immediately. His disdain for his mom may not be purely “selfish greedy child”, but completely justified “abused child”. As phrased wonderfully by one of our server members, “that’s why he calls her a bitch and all those kinds of things yet still protecting her whenever they try to rip on Liane. Because that’s the kind of love he’s used to.”

Furthermore, consider the situation around Cartman’s birth. Liane was young, drunk and the town “slut” (their words, not mine). Cartman’s father’s identity had to be hidden and there’s no doubt that took a tole on her. I’d imagine being a young, single mother is not the path she wanted for herself. I tend to think of it as a cycle- Liane doesn’t want to deal with her child due to his behavior so she checks out of the situation, actually making Cartman’s behavior worse and so on and so on. Another possibly related scene could be in “Cartman’s Mom Is A Dirty Slut”, when she still outwardly seeks an abortion for her 8 year old son.

On a slightly unrelated note, this may also be one of the reasons for Cartman’s infatuation with Kyle. He seems to mistake the traits of abuse/neglect (anger, fighting, etc) as love due to how his mother treats him. This is why he thinks Kyle enjoys his company/likes him as a friend despite how much Kyle pushes back.

Other likely ACES: Witnessing intimate partner violence (his mother is a sex worker and he’s claimed to have been in the room during these acts), mother treated violently (FBW’s little Liane arc gives me bad vibes), substance abuse within household (I forget which episodes specifically but Liane’s done drugs), parent separation or divorce (absent father figure).

Cartman’s Conclusion:

Cartman has a grand total of SEVEN potential ACEs. The reason why I started those two additional facts at the start of this is because they are culminating (several often pop up and are related to each other) and affect behavior and relationships. Cartman’s behavior, while obnoxious and impulsive at best and downright despicable at worst, can be somewhat explained by the experiences he’s faced. Abuse, neglect and sexual assault have led him to search for forms of power and control in his life, whether that be over himself, his mother or his friends. His views of the world are shaped by what he’s seen and felt. Unlike Tweek, however, he doesn’t have much of a support system, and with the “sugarcoating” under the guise of love and care, he’s less likely to get the help he needs. His risks for childhood and subsequently adulthood are very high.

Butters’ Case

Butter’s is your stereotypical abused child in terms of his behavior and coping mechanisms. I believe that even casual show-watchers would agree that he’s in some deep shit. Unlike Cartman who is a lot more nuanced about displaying what he’s experienced, Butters is naive and innocent and resilient. He easily follows what others (CARTMAN) ask of him. He assumes a more submissive role in his life, working hard to make others happy and put them first to avoid trouble. He’s an easy target for bullying and being humiliated or used. He says things out loud without noticing their implications to what has happened to him.

Unlike Liane who covers her (probably unintentional) neglect with the guise of love, he has no such outward statements from either parent. The closest we get is “this is for your own good”, but there is no loving undertone, it’s purely corporeal.  Their abuse is right in his face; it’s physical, it’s mental, it’s terrible. Steven Stotch is the primary abuser, and while Linda has done her fair share of harm, she’s generally more passive. She even states in Grounded Vindaloop that she “lets [Steven] handle the grounding”. Steven Stotch, as of FBW, is also a victim of abuse, showing that he’s perpetrating it in a cycle (you’ll notice this theme a few times in this little essay).

It’s clear as of season 20 that the effects of constant abuse have finally worn on Butters, due to his angry outbursts and sudden shift in attitude (if you want to look at it from a character standpoint and not as lazy writing cough cough). He’s hit a breaking point in what he can take, and the more he’s been exposed to his ACEs (like Cartman’s case) the more behaviorally challenged he’s become.

Another aspect to consider is his relationship with Cartman. Both share similar ACEs, but cope with them in different ways. Cartman chooses to be a controller to earn back what he’s lost, while Butters is more suited to take a backseat and follow. This is why they, despite having a very dysfunctional friendship, stick together. It may appear that Cartman is the only one benefiting, but I believe it’s more mutualistic based on their respective coping mechanisms.

ACE 1: Physical Abuse. Butters has been shown to be physically abused time and time again by Steven. He’s been hit, talked about being hit, and the biggest piece of evidence that scares the shit out of me personally is that Steven pulled off his belt and prepared to hit Butters in front of his classmates in Grounded Vindaloop. Corporal punishment has been shown time and time again to be detrimental to children’s psyc, which aligns given how Butters acts.

ACE 2: Sexual Abuse. Butters has mentioned in The Return Of Chef that he has been sexually abused by his uncle, which does not surprise me in the slightest. Butters, unlike Cartman, goes the total opposite direction of how to cope with this sort of experience; he’s blissfully unaware of what has happened and rather than let it consume him (ex. cartman) he brushes it off as no big deal. Whether this means he is truly unaware of the connotations of what was done to him or if he’s purposely repressing it is unclear, but the evidence is there that it did happen.

ACE 3 and 4: Emotional Abuse and Neglect. This one is abundant in examples. Steven appears to play a lot of mind games with Butters, whether it’s demanding he stop having nightmares (The Death of Eric Cartman), getting in trouble for looking a certain way (How To Eat With Your Butt and The List), or simply for being bullied. They constantly ground him for things that he has no control over, simple mistakes or things that he was not even involved in. I believe that Steven, similar to Cartman, takes the helplessness from childhood abuse and hurts Butters in order to feel in control of himself.

Other Possible ACEs: Household mental illness could be argued as one of the ACEs Butters experiences, although not officially confirmed in canon. I do believe that Linda has some form of mental illness due to her behavior in Butters Own Episode. Although not listed in the article, Steven’s infidelity and the tension that causes on his and Linda’s marriage is also a potential ACE, especially given that Butters was directly exposed to that whole fiasco.  

Butters’ Conclusion:

Butters’ innocence is likely a form of coping mechanism for what he’s encountered during his life. Constant physical and mental abuse have worn on him over the years, turning him more bitter and forcing him to act out. I believe this also can be accredited to his mental break in season 19’s “Safe Space”, as this is the big start of his downward spiral. Unlike Cartman, there is no cover-up for his abuse being simply that- abuse- so being able to divorce himself and his emotions will be easier for him if he were to receive support or help in some form.

Tweek’s Case

Tweek is an interesting case because while he does have emotional abuse, neglect and and forced substance abuse (coffee and/or meth addiction), he also has canon mental illness that exists outside of how he’s treated. The abuse and neglect of his parents only amplify the effects of said illness. I’ve had a selection of anons over time talk about his potential (though not confirmed) mental state, most agreeing it’s some form of panic disorder (the Tweaks claim it’s ADD, but this is really just a load of bullshit and we all know it). He is often exploited by his parents (ex. “Having a homosexual son is good for the business” in FBW) or outright lied to for the sake of business. They often brush off his worries or ignore him completely.

ACEs 1 and 2: Emotional Abuse and Neglect (EXPLOITATION). The Tweak family are no strangers to emotional abuse and neglect. Right from Tweek’s character introduction, we know something isn’t quite right. His parents feed him excessive coffee, which is later revealed to be laced with meth (did you know that meth increases body temperature, as well as caffeine overdose raising heart rate and induces anxiety? (X) Would you look at that evidence). They also frequently blackmail him into work through the threat of “selling him into slavery”.

His defining traits are usually watered down to “spaz”, and more recently, “homosexual”, hinting that his parents really don’t pay much attention to him to know much more than that. They either ignore or hardly acknowledge his fears and worries, leaving him to cope with anxiety and personal issues completely alone. He’s clearly unhappy and potentially aware of his shitty situation- in Tweek vs Craig, he slams his head against the table repeating that he “want[s] out” and that “you never help me”. In Tweek x Craig, his parents only seem to take interest in his developing relationship due to the rest of the town and their desire to look good. If you use this as anything to go off, most of their “parenting” is feeble attempts to keep up appearances.

In SOT, it’s strongly implied that Tweek is the one to usually pick up meth deliveries from Kenny’s house. This is another form of abuse, though I’m not sure if it’s exactly emotional, that he’s forced to endure. A ten year old child should not be exposed to those sort of environments, let alone be involved in the trade of drugs.

ACE 3: Substance Abuse in the Household. Whether it’s coffee, meth or other form of drugs, there’s something going on in the Tweek home that I am certain counts for this ACE. As stated in the preface, higher numbers of ACEs contribute to higher likelihoods of substance abuse- what if the child is already unintentionally abusing substances? He’s got coffee with METH INSIDE IT. I don’t think I need to go much further. There is also the possibility that with his misdiagnosis of ADD, Tweek may be provided access to other drugs for substance abuse. Meth is actually used as a way of treating ADD (X) and could be in reach for him. There’s also Amphetamine (X) which has noted side effects of "excessive grinding of the teeth,... profuse sweating,... and tics..." which could be related to his behavior. This is all purely speculation, however.

Tweek’s Conclusion:

Tweek’s struggle with mental illness is not helped by his parents frequence abuse and neglect. He’s often blackmailed into situations he doesn’t want to be in. Similar to Cartman, his forms of abuse are often sugarcoated as love, making it a little less obvious for him to pick up on. In contrast to Butters, however, he’s much less of a follower and can throw a punch when he needs to protect himself. He’s incredibly resilient and has managed to, despite early substance addiction and neglect, hold strong and even overcome massive obstacles. Of course, these are partly due to his newfound support from...

The Effect of Solid Support: Craig, Heidi, and Liane

Creek shipper or not, there is no denying that Craig has played a massive role in Tweek’s recovery. While Tweek appears to be very naturally resilient despite the odds stacked against him, the presence of someone who will actually listen to his problems and not brush them off is a huge step in the right direction. With Craig, there is a sense of trust and understanding as well as respect. He’s treated as more than a few buzzwords or free labor or any slew of hurtful remarks. His fears are able to be acknowledged and sorted though, whether it be Craig’s logical talk-throughs or someone to pat his back and say “that sucks and it’s okay” (Put It Down). Ever since the introduction of Craig as his boyfriend, we’ve seen some interesting steps in the right direction.

S21’s main theme of relationships drew a lot of interesting parallels between Creek and Heiman, namely the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy relationship. Similar to Steven Stotch, as mentioned in Butters’ case, Cartman went from abused to abuser in his relationship with Heidi. However, this was not always the case.

In early S20, Heidi was in search of her own form of support after being abused by society, simply put. She was able to find this in Cartman, who was dealing with a similar situation at the time after being “murdered” by his friends. Her presence did arguably turn him around for awhile- he seemed much happier before his self-destructive tendencies and self-doubt came in full swing. The cycle was perpetrated- Heidi wasn’t what he needed, so he went from abused to abuser. Heidi could be argued to have turned into another Cartman because she faced a watered-down version of his interpretation of “love”, aka abuse.

Let’s consider another pivotal moment for Cartman: TSST. This one is such a telling episode. While Liane is the source of most of his issues, when she was able to step into her role as a parent and provide the structure and support Cartman needed, his entire personality turned around. It wasn’t until she began treating him like a friend or companion again that he slipped back into his old ways.

Between these two scenarios, I believe it shows that if the patience and care is taken when dealing with Cartman, there is the possibility of healing. Heidi failed because she too was equally vulnerable and not in the right headspace, ultimately harming both of them (this does not excuse how cartman treated and manipulated her, BTW). Liane failed because she fell back into her cycle instead of sticking with what she had built up.

Conclusion

In conclusion, despite sharing similar ACEs, all three children we’ve discussed have different forms of coping and managing their trauma. The abuse that Butters has faced is easier to “remove” from his life due to no emotional (love) being involved in corporal punishment; however, Tweek and Cartman’s abuse have longer lasting repercussions because they’ve accepted and adapted as “that’s just the way it is”. That’s not to say they’re beyond help; all three, if done soon like in Tweek’s case, can be used to heal.

I leave this post with a sort of “call to action”. While we are talking about purely fictional characters and situations that “aren’t that deep, fam”, there are actual children suffering from these kinds of experiences. If you are aware of them, or see the red flags, please don’t hesitate to get help or find someone who can. Nobody should be like Eric Cartman and display serious red flags but slip under the radar. Thank you very much for reading my long, LONG analysis.

Special thanks/credit to the south park analysis discord ( and @dumbthotticusplayer2) for helping brainstorm/discuss :)

how was therapy this week? can you post a b and k update?

therapy was good! i’ll start with monday:

with brandon, i started out talking about seder that night and how i was nervous about the red meat so i asked J if i could bring something for myself. brandon asked why i was scared of red meat and i said fat/calorie-wise it’s a scary food for my ED and he said “well don’t you eat ice cream?” which made me feel really really guilty and ashamed of eating ice cream. i didn’t say anything to him in the moment but i did bring it up in our friday session and i think he could partially understand why that was hard for me.

we talked about him going away next week (he’s gone for a week and a half) and how nervous i am about it, but how ashamed i feel that it’s going to be hard for me bc i feel like i “shouldn’t” struggle that much with a therapist going away for only a week and a half. he asked if i know anyone else who would be upset about their therapist going away and i said no, i don’t know anyone who is as attached to their therapist as i am. i said that even my best friend kind of invalidated how i feel about him bc i said to her once “and i just love him so much” and she was like “that’s concerning, you shouldn’t say that about your therapist” and i was really hurt by it. i said “i just mean that i care about him a lot” and she was like “that’s better” and it just made me feel so so so ashamed and like i’m just a freak. brandon said “that must’ve been really hard, her kind of leaving you alone with that. one of the techniques in bohus’s protocol is that when you’re dealing with issues that come up bc of a prior traumatic concept or experience, and you’re dealing with disgust, embarrassment, shame, guilt, the cluster of those four - there are some techniques for validating that in yourself, owning that there are good reasons that it’s there, and then there are other techniques for helping yourself move on. we could validate why it is that you tend to attach so intensely to therapists, we both know there are good reasons for that, so there’s some self validation you could do around that. there’s this other aspect i hear you saying that you don’t want to be entirely comfortable with it. is that what you mean?” 

i said “yeah. things would just be so much less painful if i didn’t attach to therapists so much.” he said “well, it’s a goal. in it’s best, therapy can help people have deep intimate satisfying relationships; this is in service of that. and along the way it gets deep and intimate, so i think we should just treat it as a step on the way to something. bc i think this is an area where you both enjoy aspects of the closeness and the specialness, and then at the same time there’s this other reaction of embarrassment, shame, disgust. is there something you could say to encapsulate both sides? like some little mantra or something you could use when you feel only one thing or the other?” i asked him for an example bc i was struggling with coming up with one. he said “’i’m really appreciative that brandon has listened and gotten as close as he has to me AND i worry about how that is seen by other people and don’t know if i can have that kind of closeness with anybody else.’ or just generalizing it to therapists may be easier. ‘i really have needed the closeness i’ve had with my therapists and at times find it a great comfort AND in other times, i’m really aware of how difficult it is for me to have that kind of closeness in other relationships.’” he asked me to say something self validating about that closeness, what it’s meant to me, why i’ve needed it so much.

i replied “it didn’t really feel like i had someone like that when i was really young - someone i could trust and i could be myself around. but i’m justifying it. i feel like i shouldn’t feel that way, like my parents are wonderful and loving and i had an amazing nanny for most of my life who was always there and affectionate and everything.” he said “is all that the same as someone seeing your experience? you mentioned a bunch of things about these other people, but i don’t see that the same as someone really seeing or getting your experience.” i said that gillian was the first person in my life who i felt really saw my experience.

he said “so this reminds us that there’s lots of good reasons why you’ve needed therapists the way that you have. what about the other side? the part that makes you uneasy? if you can say it without something self critical or judgmental, but just describing what part of it makes you uneasy.” i replied “because… they’re not someone that i can always have. they’re not someone i can contact whenever. they’re someone i’m paying to listen to me. they’re someone who doesn’t get to really be present in really important moments of my life. they’re someone who feels like they don’t have a choice of being in my life or not.” he said i did a good job of looking at both sides. 

this whole time i was avoiding his gaze and he tried to get me to look at him for a while. he said “if you want to change the script of shame, we can’t battle for 15 minutes every week about whether you’re gonna look at me or not. when you’re in the past, recounting what happened in the past, what you have to do is look at your therapist to ground in the here and now. that was then, this is now. this is where i am right now. i am in this office with this person. it’s not when that happened in the past. and it’s about discriminating then versus now. so every time in here when i say ‘look up!’, i’m trying to help you not go right back to where you always go with this stuff. when i say ‘look up’, it’s not that i don’t know you’re in a moment of shame and pain in that. i do see that of course. but it’s that i’m trying to meet you there to lift yourself out of it. and it’s really a choice that you either make or don’t make to allow yourself to be met right there.”

at the end of the session, he said “the whole principle [of maintaining eye contact] is that sometimes it’s through another person’s gaze that we know ourselves. it’s the basic principle of attachment. none of us know each other except through other people’s gazes at us. that’s how you mentalize. how well you mentalize yourself is largely dependent on how other people mentalized you early in life. so you know there are some parts of you that aren’t so well known to yourself yet. that’s kind of bc nobody went after that stuff with you when you were a kid. your parents, for good reasons, couldn’t or wouldn’t look at all of that. literally didn’t see what was happening and certainly didn’t see how it was for you. so part of the overcorrection to all of this shame is to practice seeing yourself again through someone else’s eyes as you talk about this really loaded stuff.” 

that last part really touched me and helped me understand why he tries so hard for me to make eye contact with him. 

in my friday session:

we talked more about the difficulty with eye contact. he asked me why it’s so hard. i said “i think i just don’t like facing or owning what i’m talking about it. if i’m making eye contact it’s almost like i’m confident about what i’m saying, which i’m not, which is why the shame is to look away. and i think the connection is hard, the emotion in your eyes is hard to see and i think i’m just much more comfortable in the shame and the avoidance.” (brandon holds a lot of emotion in his eyes and he will often tear up.) he said “bc when you see the emotion in my eyes, what happens?” i said that “on the one hand, it makes me feel “special”, but on the other hand, when i’m trying to talk about something that happened, it’s easier to pretend that i don’t feel anything about it. it is what it is. i’m not upset or mad or hurt. so to see someone else having emotion about it, that’s uncomfortable. and i think maybe sometimes i feel bad that you’re sad about it. seeing someone reacting to what happened when, at the time, nobody was seeing it is hard. validating, but hard.”

he said “it sounds like there’s fear in seeing the effect you have on others - what your emotions can do to someone, what your experiences can do to someone else. there’s something here about being seen as you’re reviewing these experiences, or even current ones, that cause an emotional reaction in someone else, that someone else resonates with empathically, that’s maybe too close for comfort.” he also said “there’s a way [with the gaze] that you control the level of closeness. there’s a level at which you control what you let in about someone else’s experience of you. there’s a way that you sometimes go and use behaviors to not think about or have feelings about someone else’s experience of you.”

i shared the journal entry about J and how jealous i am that she has skills coaching with him and that i’m sure that he cares about her more.

me: “she has skills coaching so you think about her more and she has a closer connection with you”B: “is that what it means to have skills coaching?”me: “i think that’s the result.”B: “maybe that’s what it means to you but for me it doesn’t mean that. so how is it that it means that for you?”me: “i’m not sure if you remember this but pretty soon after i had intersession contact taken away, at the beginnings of sessions you would say the ways in which you thought about me that week”B: “i remember that”me: “and that was really helpful bc i think you knew that not having the contact and not having the skills coaching in my mind meant that you never thought about me”B: “i did and i do” (aww i totally didn’t catch what he meant by this in the session)me: “and so when i hear that someone has skills coaching, in my mind i hear that you think about them more bc they reach out to you and you help them through something and you’re there for them in that moment of panic, of fear, you’re more available. and you don’t really witness from afar those moments with me anymore.”B: “so there is a real difference there, i can see that part of it. but you seem to be taking it to mean a difference in caring or value. i don’t see that part. so how do you get there? bc it would kind of imply that whoever i’m skills coaching the most is the person i care about the most. i don’t see that. how do you get there?”me: “bc you’re seeing them in their vulnerable places, you’re helping them get through it, you’re holding their hand through it, and i feel like you would care much more about someone that you’re doing that with than someone who you see twice a week but are not talking to them when they’re really struggling. for me, part of the reason why i struggle so much when friends move away is bc i feel so disconnected from them if i’m not seeing them, talking to them all the time, hanging out.”B: “contact matters. the amount, the frequency, the nature.”me: “so in my mind, if you’re in more contact with someone, you’re closer to them, you care about them more.”B: “right. the more you talk about it, i can see how that is for you. it’s the world that you live in. this is how you have known much of the time that people care. but you see, it really is different for me that way. bc i can see how for you it’s an expression of caring. for me it’s a matter of what the recommended treatment plan is for someone. there’s an element of thinking through what’s best for someone. what do you think about that?”

me: “i think it’s just hard bc i really struggle outside of here, like i still have moments when i am really having a hard time”B: “and how could i say what’s best for you is to not have access to me in those moments.”me: “yeah. i think especially with intrusive thoughts and nightmares, like those are really hard to get through and there’s so many moments where i’m like ‘i really wish i could have help right now’.”B: “a lot of those for you relate back to earlier events. so you’d like some more help with those specific things.”me: “yeah.”B: “well i’m gonna consider whether what we need to do is more of the full protocol.” [for a moment i thought that he was maybe reconsidering letting me have skills coaching again around the ptsd stuff but i don’t think he was and now i’m really disappointed and sad]me: “what does that mean?”B: “there may be use to doing it just as more of a procedure, not having it quite as amorphous for you or not knowing what to expect or what it means. there may be some use in just laying it out more as a protocoled procedure, like that it has this many sessions to it and this is how we proceed, these are the steps, this is what we do, and then we’re done. the other way to do it which is how i’ve been thinking about it is to kind of weave it into our sessions in a less protocoled way but still a principle driven way. but it sounds like you’re saying it would be kind of nicer to have something clear to hang onto here about how you can be helped with these particular symptoms. that may be what we need to do, over a series of sessions and really kind of walk you through the homework that would be required, through the practice, and then the exposure. that’s a big undertaking. we have to assess your capability for it so these other things have to be holding stable, like the eating. you have to be medically stable enough to do it and have ways for managing it and doing self exposure outside of sessions. but i want to say kudos to you for bringing this up and telling me basically ‘this is something about us, about our relationship’, that you’re directly bringing up and saying ‘this really bothers me’ and that’s right in line with what i think you need to be doing. and it’s not pleasant. how are you feeling right now? you don’t look comfortable. can you say something about that?”me: “this is still hard for me to talk about. it’s embarrassing and i’m kind of angry at myself for it.”B: “for what?”me: “for not being able to challenge that you care even though i don’t have skills coaching, being jealous of somebody else who has it. it’s really uncomfortable to feel and it’s hard for me to challenge.”B: “can you look up? this is part of preparing you for exposure stuff if we do it more formally, bc it’s about not shutting down, having to look at something uncomfortable. so you can walk out of here and be like ‘ugh why am i so needy, why am i so fucked up in this way, why can’t i challenge this’. instead, a skill that’s important for any exposure work is to be able to take an experience like this that has two pieces to it - parts of it you don’t like and parts of it that you need to self validate. that’s skills 101 for exposure of this nature. take something this uncomfortable, observe and describe it, and then as you feel disgust and shame and guilt and all that stuff floating over you, trying to say ‘okay yes that stuff is there but what else is there?’ try to build that voice inside you that can say ‘oh yeah. it kinda makes sense.’ so this is a great opportunity to actually practice that right now sitting out in the lobby. so if we’re gonna do the protocoled treatment, it might be something to think about doing for the summer before you’re back to school. if everything is holding steady.”

i only have one session left with him (monday) before he goes away for a week and a half. i don’t want him to go away. i’m scared he won’t come back.