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anarkhebringer · 4 years

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hi i'm back, can i get some more modern felix stuff please? just anything you can think of would be perfect!

Hiiiii nonny, welcome back~~~

But anyway yee, you may have a lot of random modern Felix stuffs. I’m always happy to deliver. I’m gonna try to not make it too long, but it’s already a mile long now by the time I’ve made most of the main points so I might as well just roll with it a bit. This is definitely gonna be a very long read.

Living with his aunt for the number of years he has eventually led him to developing an occasional southern drawl when he speaks, since his aunt has one. It’s a very rare thing though, and almost never happens. When it does though, he HATES IT.

The influences on his speaking from his aunt mostly shows in his wording of things, since sometimes when he gets spirited about something he says “y’all” and such all the time. One time when Sylvain was just being Sylvain, and neither Felix nor Ashe could calm him, Felix just muttered “y’all’re gonna bleed me dry someday…” Sylvain and Ashe thought it was the cutest fuckin’ thing, and Sylvain calmed down after that. Neither mentioned the drawl though since they quickly learned from hearing stories that Felix will get really pissed if you tease him about it or even mention it too much for his tastes. Which is just mentioning it at all.

He’s not easily scared at all, but just walking past him wrong can make him jolt from being startled sometimes. That’s something from his traumas that’s finally starting to come to the forefront that couldn’t before, since he could suppress everything that hindered his progress in combat, but he can’t do that anymore.

He’s gotten to be a person who can really enjoy his leisure due to his really deep dive into depression that happened after he got his ability to be in combat taken away from him. He and Linhardt could have had a competition to see who can fall asleep while standing up and stay standing the longest. He has medication that helps keep him awake enough to not be able to do that anymore though, but he has really bad insomnia now as a result of his completely chaotic and inconsistent sleeping schedule. His stress wrinkles in the inner corners of his eyes are completely covered by the dark circles under them now that really shows his wear and exhaustion.

He won’t at all complain if he’s given a task to do by someone that isn’t in his household, and it’ll keep his mind active and keep his mood in a positive place if he isn’t overworked. He does get drained way easier now though if what he’s asked to do involves socializing or interacting with anyone in any way too much.

When he’s drained socially, he becomes very aggressive and unstable. He’ll get like he used to be and completely isolate, and lash out if you interrupt what he’s doing and you don’t want to actively participate. He’d still get mad that you interrupted him though, and he probably won’t let you participate unless you’re among a certain handful of people.

Ashe and Claude are the only two people who don’t mentally drain him whatsoever, and he could see them literally every day if they wanted to do that. Ashe because Felix cares for him so much, and Claude because they’re so similar. He and Claude don’t drain each other because they can go literal months without speaking, then pick up on what they left off on like they only stopped talking for a day or two. Same with Ashe, though Felix becomes slightly noticeably more down and sad when he doesn’t see Ashe for too long a timespan.

He has a secret love of cuddling, and also hides his full support of platonic PDA, cuddling, and even kisses and such if there’s enough mutual trust between the ones involved. He’s very touch-averse and sensitive to others touching him, so he only really lets Ashe, Claude, and Sylvain touch him to show affection. Only Ashe can do much, and he only really tolerates Sylvain’s occasional one-armed hugs or quick pats on the shoulder as he walks by. Ashe however can hug him (after making his desires to do so known of course), hold his arms, and even his hands, since Ashe is the kind to show affection by physical means whenever he’s allowed to do so. They even cuddle at night when Ashe stays overnight at his apartment.

He actually lets Sylvain cuddle with him too when Sylvain really needs the affection during hard times, though he never returns it unless he does so while he’s asleep. It’s become a comforting thing to wake up to, feeling the warmth of Sylvain against him and his arms wrapped around Felix’s frame, even though Felix didn’t really want it to become that. At first, anyway.

His depressive rut wasn’t all bad in some cases, and because of the isolation he went into, he’s become extremely artistic and tech savvy since he didn’t have much to do to occupy himself. Being extremely brainy as is really helped him get going with these things.

He’s also learned to hack and code on the computer from that rut too, and he could get you into anything you wanted him to. He knows all sorts of ways to hide himself under all sorts of circumstances, and clear his tracks if he’s found, so he could actually be extremely dangerous if he were to use this knowledge and skill for anything shady. The most he uses it for is to make modifications to games and explore the Dark Web as anonymously as possible when his morbid curiosities get the best of him, though.

Well, there have been times where he’s used his skills to scare people. There have been times where people have threatened his friends (namely Claude and Ashe), and to scare the bullies off, he hid himself and hacked into their devices to make text documents warning them to stay away or else there would be trouble, because they’re always being watched. That always managed to scare them off on the first try, and he’s never done anything more than that, because there was no need.

He’s super protective of what few friends he has. He’d willingly put himself in danger for them all the time, unless of course they got themselves into the mess they’re in and he feels they don’t really deserve to be helped out of a situation that’ll be them learning their lesson. Otherwise, he’s borderline obsessed with his friends’ safety and happiness. It’s hard to really see that outside of sudden outbursts from him, since he’s so averse to socialization and unable to understand/express emotions well, but if he’s really needed and he can mentally handle it, you’d best believe he’d be completely focused on doing whatever he could do to help a friend in need for as long as they needed him.

Stuff like this has his friends really knowing who he is eventually, and he doesn’t like that. He’s actually really nice, but his way of showing it isn’t exactly common. Onlookers would think he’s just indifferent unless he’s feeling particularly chipper and/or manic, but his friends get to be on the receiving end of conversation and see him do more personal things compared to others, so they know he’s far nicer than even he thinks he is. He’s become oddly patient compared to his old self, and can hold a conversation for a while longer than he used to. If you get him talking about certain topics, though, you could manage to talk with him for literal hours on end.

He’s overall pretty chill now. Depression has taken the constant explosive anger out of him. He’s still always angry and bitter to some degree, but not to the point of lashing out at every little thing that upsets him. He’s still just as blunt as he was before, but he’s become a lot more passive-aggressive and/or condescending when it shows, instead of sudden outbursts and hurling insults around at all turns. And to those who have received both from him, the current version of his aggression hurts them a lot more, since he shows so little emotion during the times he throws something out to hurt them. All they see is (sometimes) in his body language, and the bitter fogginess in those eyes from how empty he’s become. Even his tone has changed. He’s not as aggressive sounding unless he’s more angry than usual, but he’s got a bitter tone. Or worse, he sounds almost monotone, like he feels absolutely nothing. If he’s got the tone of voice he used to have before, know that he’s on the verge of snapping and lashing out, and that goes from angry sounding to yelling at any time. And he yells loud.

He tends to cry a bit more than he used to now, since he gets overstimulated really easily. He can hold it in around other people most of the time unless it’s particularly overwhelming and getting even worse. It sometimes reminds Sylvain of when they were kids, but then he feels bad thinking of it like that since Felix has more going on in his head than he did back then. He’s trying to work on stopping that association, and he’s starting to get better at not thinking of Felix when he was a kid when he cries.

He used to parade around talking about how he wasn’t one to laugh and joke, but nowadays he’s not like that anymore. He still won’t joke often, and jokes go right over his head and he doesn’t get it and may ruin it usually, but he lets himself laugh at things he finds funny. Not around other people, though. Unless it’s from something else he finds funny, like a YouTube video. His laugh is like an odd mix between Vinny from Vinesauce, Bluesdank, and FPS Diesel. He’s the rare kind of person that’ll laugh in 10 different ways in one sitting and them all be real laughter. The sound of his laughter isn’t too consistent at times.

There’s another reason he can’t do much anymore aside from his depression, and that’s because a year or so ago he had a fit of smaller seizures that shocked his system really bad because of how long it lasted. After that, his mental regression that was already happening because of what he has has gotten much faster in its progression.

Despite these new growing limits he has, he’s still doing his best to keep going and existing on doing what he can do with what he has, and he’s shifted from being solely focused on a person’s skills in battle to how much heart they have due to it. He won’t care about combat skills anymore if you aim to impress him, he cares more about what you bring to the table. Your skills with a sword don’t show what you put your heart into in life and what you do for yourself and others. If you wanna impress him, give him a gift from the heart, not anything store bought. Do something nice for someone. Draw him a picture, write him a letter, pick him some flowers you think he’d like. Maybe take him to the park? Talk to him about your interests, voice your opinions on what you enjoy. Something that you can put your heart into, and I can’t stress it enough. He cares about a person’s core more than their fighting prowess now. He’s sworn off of focusing so much on fighting forever since he got the ability to do so himself taken form him, and he refuses to still dwell on it with others, too.

Alright, that’s gonna be where I cut it off for now. Hopefully that was a good read. I’ve made Felix go through some shit in this AU, but hey, he’s one of the characters I picked to put a theme of healing and strength onto, so I gotta give him some lore to get him to the point of being so different now. Plus a softer Felix makes me warm inside, so I wanted to incorporate that in, too.

#asks #anonymous #long post #Fire Emblem AU #FE Modern AU #Fire Emblem Three Houses #Felix Hugo Fraldarius #FE3H Felix #AU info #AU headcanon

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komorebirei · 5 years

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The Water Was Never Afraid - Chapter 12: Current

(AO3)

Chat Noir landed on the roof of Montparnasse Tower, a step behind Ladybug.

“All’s quiet on the east side,” he reported.

“Same on the west side,” Ladybug returned.

For the past six months that they had been doing these weekly patrols, they hadn’t come across anything; the mere sight of them probably deterred most petty street crimes, and there hadn’t been any akuma activity.

Chat Noir had decided not to tell Ladybug about Hawkmoth. If he did, she would want to take action to put him behind bars, or at least take the miraculous from him. If he went to jail, he would be disgraced in front of the public. The Gabriel brand would suffer. Everything would change.

And, honestly, Adrien understood why his father had done everything he had. He didn’t agree with it, but he knew his father wasn’t evil. He was desperate, depressed, a little unstable, and had a skewed sense of perspective at times, but once he got out of this rut, he would be okay. They didn’t need the law stepping in and making the situation worse. This was something they could fix on their own.

It didn’t feel good to keep secrets from her, but his family was at stake.

“Well, milady.” Chat Noir stepped up to her. “I suppose we’ll call it a night.” He held out his fist.

Ladybug touched the fist with her own. Even though they weren’t fighting akumas anymore, they still bumped fists before parting ways, like a cherished tradition. “Before you go, Chat Noir…”

He met her eyes, and realized the way she was looking at him was different from usual.

“Are you okay?”

A shot of trepidation ran through Chat Noir. Had he let too much emotion show? He smiled instinctively. “Of course, Bugaboo. Why?”

She tilted her head, as if trying to see him better from another angle. “Really? I thought you never lied to me, Chat Noir.” Her voice was quiet and serious.

He didn’t have the heart to deny it a second time after that. “I’m sorry, I just didn’t want to worry you unnecessarily. Things are a little tense in my civilian life, but I have a friend who’s been very supportive, so … I’ll be okay.”

“A friend from your civilian life?”

From the way he hesitated, the guilty look in his eyes, and the shrug and half-nod instead of a confident ‘Yes,’ Ladybug realized heartbreakingly that the friend was probably herself. Marinette.

Though it saddened her that Chat Noir didn’t have anyone he could talk to as a civilian, and she wondered why not, she was at least glad that he trusted her enough to open up to her, and that he wasn’t completely alone.

So, she didn’t press him for any more information. Though she cared, his civilian life wasn’t something Ladybug should be asking about. Grasping his hand in a show of affection and support, she smiled. “I’m glad you have a friend to lean on. I hope things get better, Chat Noir. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”

Chat Noir squeezed her hand, grateful for the extra dose of warmth that she was giving him. A pang of longing stabbed his heart as she retracted it. He still loved her, but it had grown into a calm, tender love that resided in him like a subtle warmth. When she did something like this, though, that warmth started to sting, like holding a hand over a candle for too long.

“I’ll see you next week at the usual spot, LB,” Chat Noir said, flashing her a grin. With a parting salute, he flipped over the side of the building and bounded away.

—

Adrien’s phone rang at 9:00 a.m. on the dot Monday morning, just as he was preparing to go into a budget meeting.

“Yes, Father?”

“Good morning, Adrien. Are you in the office?”

“Yes.”

“Whatever you have planned for the morning, please make sure you’re covered or reschedule. You’re needed in the second floor studio for fittings.”

Adrien balked. “Fittings?”

“You heard me—the photoshoot is on Wednesday. I trust it won’t be a problem for you to do some modeling.”

“No,” Adrien sighed, choosing his battles. With a goodbye to his father, he hung up and called out to Celeste, who was passing by on her way to the meeting. “Can you take notes for me and bring up the points that I mentioned to you? You wrote them down, right?”

Celeste nodded, tucking a silky ginger lock behind her ear. “Yes, sir. On both counts.”

“I’m counting on you, Celeste,” he said with a grin, which disappeared as soon as he exited his office and turned the opposite way toward the elevators. He wasn’t excited to start modeling again.

The second floor studio was a bustle of activity. Camille was the head designer of this studio, but she had several interns under her, and a small team of seamstresses to help with production. There were four large tables in the center of the room, and the edges were lined with counters and drawers. Mannequins were set up around the room, and articles of clothing and notions were strewn everywhere in organized chaos, at varying stages of completion. Adrien scanned the room for Camille.

“Adrien! Over here,” a voice beckoned him, and his eyes caught the rapid movement of a hand waving him over.

He locked eyes with Marinette, and his widened in surprise. Memories of the other night rose unbidden to his mind—of the floral scent of her shampoo, her gentle fingers kneading the back of his head, her slender, bare legs draped over his arm as he carried her to bed.

He took a deep breath, forcing the thoughts out of his mind. Those thoughts were definitely inappropriate on so many levels. He made his way across the floor to where she was, at a table on the edge of the studio across from a row of curtained changing booths. Her immediate surroundings looked neater than the rest of the studio; he figured she had tidied up for the fitting.

“Marinette,” he greeted her jovially. “I didn’t expect it to be you.”

“It seems your father liked the idea of you actually modeling for my feature,” she said with a shrug, picking up a tape measure from the table.

As Marinette moved around, gathering some additional supplies, he couldn’t help but appreciate her sense of style. She was wearing a loose, white chiffon boat-neck blouse with a colorful bird pattern, tucked neatly into light brown trousers that hugged her hips, bound with a thin black belt. A joke about birds and cats sprang to his mind, but he pushed it deep down in favor of a more professional topic.

“Is this for Style Queen?”

“Yup. I still can’t believe Audrey is doing this. I was so sure she’d written me off after I rejected her offer to take me to New York.”

Adrien smiled at the memory. “Chloé probably never told you, but she was really grateful toward you for that. Her mom was always a sore spot with her since we were kids. I’m pretty sure she owes it to you that she even has a relationship with her mom now.”

“They seemed to be getting along well at the party,” Marinette commented, putting several folded garments in his hands and leading him toward one of the changing booths with a hand on his back. It was just a normal gesture—designers were used to pushing around models as if they were literal mannequins, and Adrien was used to going with the flow—but Adrien couldn’t help but be reminded yet again of the other night, of the way Marinette had led him inside her flat and wrapped him in her embrace as he sobbed.

Thinking about it made his heart beat faster. It was weird after all. It was weird to know he had experienced that with her, and he was right in front of her now, knowing it, but she had no idea. He felt like he was tricking her, somehow.

Once he was hidden from view inside the changing booth, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath to regain a semblance of inner peace, before making any moves to change into the garments.

He was used to hiding things. This was nothing new. He had interacted with people he knew as Chat Noir on a daily basis and had to play dumb as Adrien—he had been doing it for years.

He came out to see Marinette leaning against the table, waiting for him. Her face brightened when he caught her eye, and she looked him up and down. Even though it was normal for a fitting, he felt strangely self-conscious to have her checking out his body. No, he corrected mentally, the clothes.

“Everything looks pretty good, actually,” Marinette remarked, circling around him and pinching the fabric here and there, inserting a few pins. “I don’t have to do much.”

“That’s good news,” Adrien said, fighting to keep the warmth that was threatening to spread to his face. He started to feel hot, and could feel the hairs of his neck standing on end when Marinette checked the collar and her fingers brushed his skin.

Just as Adrien was starting to worry about sweating on Marinette’s works-in-progress, she put another stack of clothes into his hands and shooed him into the changing booth.

“So,” Adrien struck up conversation during the second fitting, in an attempt to make things less awkward. “Who’s modeling the women’s wear? Did you get roped into that, too?”

Marinette laughed, a sound so delightful that Adrien couldn’t help but seek out her face to see the expression that accompanied it. “No,” she answered, “we’re hiring someone to do it. She’s coming in this afternoon for her fitting.”

“Ah,” Adrien said, a little disappointed. “I bet you would have done great, anyway. It would have been cool to see you in your own designs.”

“You’re seeing it now,” Marinette teased, making a playful ‘model pose.’

“Right, I should have guessed! You look fabulous,” Adrien exclaimed sheepishly, finding it suddenly difficult to meet her eyes, let alone give her outfit another close look.

“Thanks for that vote of confidence, anyway.” Marinette resumed pinning the current outfit and jotting down notes in a small pad, before handing him the next set of clothes.

He eyed the table to gauge how many outfits were left. His heart was racing, his hands were sweaty, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe right. Since when did he feel this way around Marinette?

He suffered through the rest of the fitting in relative silence, afraid he would accidentally give his flustered state away if he tried to engage her in more conversation.

Maybe it had been a mistake to visit Marinette again as Chat Noir. He hadn’t expected that it would make working with her so awkward. Then again, he didn’t usually work with her in such close quarters as today.

When the fitting was complete, Adrien took his leave. On his way back to his office, he dipped into the bathroom across the hall, stopping in front of the mirror. As expected, his cheeks were flushed. He groaned in frustration, annoyed that his complexion gave away too much, too easily. Turning on the faucet, he wet his hands and dragged them across his face, trying to cool down.

“My, my, my. This is interesting.”

Adrien glared at Plagg in the mirror. The kwami was floating in the air over his right shoulder, tiny fangs glinting as he smirked. “What’s interesting?”

“I’ve never seen you react like that to Bakery Girl before.”

“It was just weird!” Adrien retorted defensively. “It hit me that what happened the other day as Chat Noir was kind of… intimate,” he confessed. “Maybe I shouldn’t have visited her.”

Plagg lost a little of his smug attitude, landing on Adrien’s shoulder. “I’m gonna be honest, kid, I think you needed it that day.”

“Maybe…” Adrien sucked in a long breath and held it before letting it out slowly. He grabbed some paper towels from the dispenser and dabbed at his face. “Maybe I did. But what am I supposed to do now? I feel like I’m deceiving her.”

“Why would you feel like that?”

“She doesn’t know she kissed Adrien Agreste on the cheek and let him pick her up in her skimpy pajamas and bring her to her bed…” Heat flooded his face, just thinking about it.

Plagg regained his smirk. “She was comforting her friend. She would have done the same for Adrien, don’t you think?”

“I don’t know, Plagg… we were never that close…”

“What I find interesting,” Plagg came around in front of Adrien’s face and looked him in the eyes, practically dancing with mischief, “is that you’re so focused on those details.”

Adrien’s blush deepened, feeling despicable to be skewing an innocent gesture from one friend to another.

“I’d almost think you had feelings for Bakery Girl.”

Adrien gasped. “Plagg! I’m in a relationship, for goodness’ sake! Stop trying to plant ideas!”

Plagg cackled. “Too late. The seeds are already there.”

“What is that supposed to mean?!”

Plagg did a loop-de-loop in the air. “Maybe Bee Girl was on to something.”

“Okay, enough,” Adrien said, getting angry. “I’m dating someone, it’s absolutely wrong to be implying these things.” Tossing the wad of paper towels in the garbage, he stormed out of the bathroom to look for Celeste.

#MiraculousLadybug #Miraculous Ladybug #MiraculousLadybugFanfiction #Miraculous Ladybug Fanfiction #Adrienette #Adrigami #Marichat #The Water Was Never Afraid

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publicschool-n-genzthings · 5 years

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The bad or even worse things I've experienced throughout my school years + thing that really pissed me off:

Headstart:

-a kid once fucking SHAT on my playing blocks

-someone stole my milk during breakfast

-same kid from the first part vomited everywhere causing learning to be disrupted

-had a mental breakdown when one of the assistants visited my home and started crying

-got bitten twice on the bus on the way home from headstart

Kindergarten:

-got harassed on my first day of school

-got stabbed in the thigh with a really sharp pencil, pencil lead broke off inside my thigh and the nurse was not able to get it out due to how far it was in my thigh, for some reason I got really sick a few days after that.

Girl that did that to me brought that up to me in 9th grade and she apparently thought shit was funny, even to this day (spoiler alert, shannon, that shit wasn't fucking funny)

-during my first fire drill i tripped out the door and skidded knee first across the concrete, that took a large chunk out of my knee, i could see some bone, and i was bleeding alot and also saw some of my skin on the concrete along with lots of blood, had to be carried to the nurse, but the teacher carrying me decided to bitch about having to carry me because i couldnt walk there by myself due to the literal AGONY i was in

1st grade:

-got stabbed on the bus a few times

-teachers attempted to put me in special ed due to not wanting to speak

-teacher humiliated me in front of everyone because I forged my grandmother's signature on some dumb reading passage, that i didnt even need because I was a much higher reading skill than most others

-teacher humiliated me by threatening to call my grandmother even though my grandmother would've lost her job if caught on her phone if she wasnt on break, teacher said she basically didnt give a shit

-teacher yelled at and humiliated me in class because I leaned back in my chair and fell on my head, she made me change my card to red while other people were still literally doing the same thing I got in trouble for

3rd grade:

-i decided to be fucking stupid and jump on the merry go round that the gym teacher got spinning really fast, i had good reflexes so I was able to grab onto a bar quick and get on, then per request, i decided to jump, gravity was about to yeet me so i grabbed onto the bar but my legs couldnt reach the ground on time, so I was just basically flying at this point. My brain i need to let go of the bar i was tightly holding onto, and then i pretty much just yeeted myself a couple of feet then started skidding across the playground rocks which left many marks the assistant in charge of me just breifly looked up and asked if i was ok, my internal answer, "no, im bleeding from everywhere, send help", my verbal answer "yes"

4th grade:

-developed a crush for straight girl who looked cute in glasses

-teacher decided to throw a party and we brought our own food, beverages, and snacks, we all brought alot of food. Teacher says we can get however much food as we want, i go back for some more of a certain food i was fond of, teacher SLAPS my hand and tells me to stop being greedy, and tells me to get chips intead, despite the fact everyone else has been up there much more than i have, my ex friend, a white kid, unlike me, decided she'd go get some actual food for me, she's about to give the food to me when the teacher yells at her saying if she's not gonna eat herself then thow it away....

5th grade:

-my depression kicks in along with also being super stressed because the teacher keeps harassing me and making fun of me for not being good at math instead of helping me, the counselor had to teach it to me for me to understand

-came out to ex friend, she said "ew" and also that "i better not kiss her" as if anyone would WANT to kiss her in the first place

-ex friend told ex friend 2, even though I asked her not to tell anyone, though ex friend 2 was very supportive of me

-ex friend forced/bullied me into admitting my feeling to my crush, me knowing the outcome, told my ex friend that the crush was straight and she would just reject me, ex friend made me do it anyway

-crush outs me to everyone, and everyone starts harassing me including her, which hurt me a lot and made me feel even worse about myself

-i asked my ex friend if i should kill myself, and she says yes, and to invite her to my funeral, because she "wants to see a dead body", i kept this noted, and planned to go through with it during the late evening by overdosing, i stopped myself before it was too late though, and never mentioned this to anyone

-went through the rest of the year battling with myself and others, and cutting myself

6th grade:

-people forgot about the fact they were attacking me, until this now ex crush brought it up again in gym class

-girl that i didn't like tried to play friend with me, despite constantly making fun of me for liking anime

-new crush is friends with my harassers and layghs at jokes made me, though i guess she actually did care about how i feel, but it sucks I'd do anything for her but she was always the bystander when watching people harass and make jokes about me

7th grade:

-slapped someone on the throught for not leaving me alone, then she punched me, and i told the teacher, girl lied to principal and teacher by saying i choked her and fake sobbing, people believed her, then either distanced themselves from me or harassing me

8th grade:

-same old harassment

-got a rock thrown at the back of my head by some fuckboy, and his asshole friend pretended to stand up for me before laughing about it

9th grade:

-im a loner, nobody messes with me for the most part, they just pretend im not there

10th grade:

-people think im gonna shoot up the school because they know i get bullied

-got dragged into some stupid drama multiple times involving the one friend i have

-dude once said he would punch me if i wasn't a girl...

-someone once punched me in the shoulder for no reason as i was walking by

-got called the n word for the second time in my life + told to pick some cotton

-really had to stop myself from punching every single whitey in the face that was wearing maga hats

11th grade:

-homophobic maga white cishet girl with a mom who apparently has breast and butt transplants wont stop saying stupid shit that makes me want to both deck her

-in between 9th and 11th grade things started getting worse for me again and i started hurting myself in more ways than just physical, im very unstable, but i dont want help, i think i can handle things on my own if i just let out some real emotion within me every now and then instead of just joking about my pains

#public school #long post #long read #middle school #elementary school #high school #depression #self harm tw #suicide tw #bullying tw #homophobia tw

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youthoughtthiswasover-blog · 6 years

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Dear Aural,

I hope you are doing better since I’ve removed myself from your life. But to be bluntly honest I don’t really care how you are feeling. I just wanted to explain why I look forward to never seeing or hearing from you again.

To be frank, you are one of the most toxic, self centred, immature, spoilt, self absorbed, selfish, inconsiderate, oblivious people I have ever come across. I honestly wish I had never agreed to invite you into my household. I deeply regret wasting my time and energy on trying to be friends with you. From the very start it’s always been an incredibly one sided friendship. One where I put in all the time and effort and you, take and give nothing back. I am in awe at how incredibly oblivious you are to anyone but yourself.

In the beginning I thought we were friends and that you were actually a considerate person. When you were over for sleepovers at Morgan’s parents place you seemed to be aware of other people and that your behaviours could affect them. I was kind to you when you came to stay with us on suicide watch. But you didn’t even notice or care what that cost me. Did you know that while you were there I didn’t eat for the entire week? Did you know that I had a minimum of 8 panic attacks during that week? Did you know that I still went to work, and that I used my breaks to lock myself in the bathroom to have an anxiety attack? Did you know that no matter how deep I cut my skin that nothing changed? I thought that maybe we had some common ground to stand on and that maybe we could be friends. I didn’t blame you for bringing up those things in my past.

So I put in the effort to be friends. I bought your favourite snacks and drinks. I invited you over to hang out and offered to do a girls day out, I helped you clean your apartment. I brought food to your house because I knew you were tight on money. I invited you to go to a con with Morgan and I, I made the effort to message you on discord and chat, I gifted you art, and an outfit to wear to the con. I tried to include you in ‘girly’ things and make you feel accepted and have a good time. I genuinely cared.

It seems almost glaringly obvious that you didn’t even really make the slightest of effort in return. You were happy to receive and give nothing at all back. I don’t know why I thought living with you would be any different. You wonder why people walk out of your life? Well here it is. You don’t care about them enough to make yourself even the slightest bit uncomfortable for them. You aren’t someone who can or will be there when they need it. You run from any form of hardship or discomfort faster then a spaceship. Even if it has nothing to do with you.

It was pretty clear to me that once I was no longer the romantic interest of your friend that you wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Without so much as a word of comfort to me you stopped talking to me or even acknowledging I was there at all. You ignored me for months. That’s how you treated someone you once called a friend. You seem incapable of understanding that people other then you have stress and problems too. Unlike you, for the rest of us our failures have real life ramifications. If I fail to show up to work, I lose my job, my home, my cats, everything. You don’t have a job. You live off the government. You lose nothing, you have no responsibilities. You ask everyone to be quiet at 8pm on a Friday night because you’d like to sleep. You can sleep at anytime of the day or night, you could sleep while the rest of us are out of the house or at work. Because the two of us who help pay for said house have full time jobs. As well as cooking, cleaning and paying for pretty much all basic household items. You want to make food once in a blue moon but say “Oh, I’ll wait until the dishes are done.” Because someone’s going to wash them for you. When food is made you don’t say please or thank you, you complain about “oh well it has onions in it.” “It’s too hot/cold.” You come off like a spoiled little kid.

But you didn’t seem to care about the effort that others put in to make your life easier. You don’t seem to give a damn about anyone else’s life while you were loud late into the night, multiple times, every week, keeping me awake. Either ignoring when I knocked on your door or you never heard or cared when I made sure you were aware that I work six, sometimes seven days a week. Did you know that’s only 3/4 days off a month?

The funny thing is, if you are so bothered by the fact others can hear you, then why are you so obnoxious? You act like a spoilt toddler, throwing a fit when you don’t get your way. Remember when you got upset that we were being a little noisy at 11:45 on a weekend? That you thought I’d honestly do anything other then laugh at your outrage?

Do you remember when I got a little angry in the parking lot on your first day with us? How I apologized and even bought you a gift because I felt bad? That’s called taking responsibility for your behaviours and feelings. Something you seem unable to do.

After I finally lost my patience with you, you waited almost a week to apologize for what you said. After keeping me up while I worked a 12 day week, in my house, that you rent a room in, from me, because I was trying to help you out. I thought getting you off the coast would be good for your mental health. This is what you said to me at 1:30am in the morning;

“Then move out, bitch.”

I will make one thing very clear to you though, do not fuck with me, ever. I don’t have red hot rage, the rage I have is cold, slow and unstoppable, it’s is calculating and it will easily destroy someone as weak as you. But you aren’t even worth it, or I’d be posting this letter to everyone you know, in every group chat, to every friend of yours I can reach. You would be defenceless, the circumstances and your actions speak for themselves.

Your apology was bullshit at best. Ignoring me wasn’t intentional? Liar. You took the first opportunity to remove me from the group chat, you went behind Morgan’s back to do it. Your response to me was to block me on discord... If I wanted to be angry with you I would’ve kicked down your door, evicted you and taken your room for myself. Which I honestly should’ve done.

But I will be satisfied knowing that this is the peak of your life. This is how you are and once people see that you don’t care about anyone but yourself, they won’t waste their time with you. Your feelings and emotions rule you and you don’t seem capable of seeing beyond the moment.

You try to shift and place your emotional responsibility on others. Remember when I held you as you cried? You told me that I “might have saved” your life. I’m not responsible for your feelings or your life. I cannot save you, no one can save you, you have to save yourself. Even Morgan won’t hand you any of his feelings or stress because he knows that you are incapable of handling your own feelings, let alone someone else’s.

You only show concern or get upset when it might have something to do with you. You are so self absorbed that you can’t see past your own feelings and instead of thinking about those feelings, you react. Much like a child throwing a temper tantrum. I’ve met young children who are more capable of thinking about their feelings and taking responsibility for those feelings then you.

What confuses me the most is your total refusal to put in any sort of real effort to go to therapy or see a professional. Something you so desperately and obviously need. You make everything into a huge show, having the police and an ambulance to come get you for threatening suicide? You need actual help, your friends and family cannot give you the kind of help you need. You are emotionally unstable. Do you remember threatening Morgan with a knife because he was scaring you? Why do you do nothing with all this support? You have people who love and care about you but to me it looks like you do nothing but spit on them. You treat everyone around you like they should cater to your every need and complain when things aren’t exactly how you like them. You’ve made no shows of basic decency or manners to anyone other then Morgan.

It’s laughable to me when you say that you have all these problems and stress in your life. Where? The government pays your rent, Morgan looks after the house and cats for you. Your family loves and supports you. I find it hilarious that you think your problems are half the size of those around you. Let’s recount, my problems while living with you;

Morgan and I parted ways after almost four years.

My horse suffered a devastating injury, costing me thousands of dollars.

I got to sleep on the floor for four months after Morgan and I ended our relationship.

I worked 6-7 days a week at a hard labor job that most people only last a few months at.

The kind words of understanding you expressed to me were “oh, yeah, that sucks.”

While you had your own bedroom, pretty much zero financial stress, the opportunity to go wherever you want whenever you want to, no household responsibilities or chores.

To some extent you can blame your mental illness, you can hide behind it. You can play the victim. Until you look at me, someone who has anxiety, depression, an ED, and a hell of a lot less support then you. Oh, you were bullied? Yeah, me too! You think you were the only one with problems growing up? My parents put my belongings into a bonfire because they didn’t like that I wasn’t ‘normal’ enough. My mother took my clothes and gave them to my brothers because they were “too boyish” did you know that I’ve run away from home? That my mother used to scream into my face and throw things at me if I didn’t get out of bed because I wanted to die? That’s not even the worst of the shit I had to deal with. You aren’t the center of the universe, you are not the only one with shit in their life. From the outside looking in after everything, it looks like you hide behind your depression and anxiety. Using it as an excuse to say “I can’t do anything at all about this.” It looks incredibly over dramatic. Your depression and other issues aren’t an excuse to hide behind so you can run away from growing up and looking after yourself. You don’t seem like you want to even try putting in the effort into making any change to your life so that things get better for you. That’s just insulting to watch.

You can be angry at these words, you can try to twist them, but these are the truth. Like it or not. You are in the wrong. You are in the wrong when you thought that you could hide behind Morgan, he cannot defend you because he knows I’m right. You don’t deserve a friend like him. You have him, that’s something I will never understand. But he will move on, he will fall in love with someone else and I doubt that they will want to live with you for longer then a couple of years.

Here’s the thing. I don’t hate you, I pity you actually. I will move on and I will go forward with my life. I will work hard and earn the good things that come into my life. I will deal with my feelings, I will take responsibility for my actions. You, you will stay the same, your life won’t change very much and you probably won’t accomplish that much. A few things here and there maybe, but largely people will come and go from your life and you will play the victim. Claiming that you can’t do anything to change, help yourself, or that the other person was somehow at fault and that you did nothing wrong. You are so wrapped up in your own head that you seem entirely divorced from reality.

Do you remember telling me about your families connections to groups like the hells angels? How you said that you could make a phone call and have someone hurt? I don’t think you thought that one through. A favour from people like them will cost you a minimum of 50,000$ and you would need to be working for them already. You sound like a delusional twelve year old playing pretend. No one in their right mind would do you any kind of favour like that.

You blame others for no longer wanting to be a part of your life, without actually looking at yourself.

With you, everything is somehow either a huge deal or an unsolvable problem, you don’t even try to take the smallest steps to making any sort of change in your life. You take offence to the slightest criticism. So I won’t be surprised if you feel rage while you read this. I also don’t care, as far as I’m concerned I am right about these things. I’ve known you long enough, I have listened and observed your actions. This is the impression you give off to me.

I am not saying these things to be mean to you, this is what I genuinely think of you. I honestly hope that one day you grow up and become an adult. That you take responsibility for yourself, and your feelings and actions. But for now (and the rest of time) I’d be happy to never see you again, never waste my time thinking about you, or never talking to you ever again.

So this will be goodbye. This will be the last message I send to you.

#aural krahie #krahie

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