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anestheticrage · 4 years

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Be me: Japanese honor student🎓, 15, with half a brain and even less of a plan. Hunting bitches by day and witches by night. Livin that dank only child✌️ life while mom n dad yeet all over the globe, leavin me plenty of time to forget not to make 2 lunches for myself #quirky 😜

no time for socialization or basic electronics skills ???📱??? when your best friends are an alien demon rabbit🐰👽 and the inexplicable Hole ™ in your brain. lmao, btw did i mention im ✨M✨A✨G✨I✨C✨A✨L✨

dreamin bout my 2D waifus again when familiar pink haired cancer patient dances through my brain passin out fliers: Kamihama Meguca Dating Service: Sponsored by Cult of the Magius. 250 stones per session 🤔

seems legit, Mr. Moneybags. wasn't spending my unwieldy sack of gemstones on anything else anyway. lets pull 💎💎💎

first up we have Redhead Radagast and her plethora of plants. 🌿☺️🦎

anndd, nearly dies immediately.

well not off to a great start but i guess shes pretty cute at lea- oh FUCK its her girlfriend, Tsundere Poseidon😒🔱💦, and their exasperated, straight and single Sword Mom 😔🗡️🔥. fml gonna have to save up for the next pull. might as well play a few rounds with what i got tho.

get in some good girl talk about things like school, color coded hair styles, body count, permanent soul damage, and our personal demon pacts. ya know, the usual 😚 . realize my dark backstory seems to be missing, so the girls take me to Ketchup Queen Sappho 🍅🥧 (wtf?) to molest my glowy egg stone. whatevs, more action than ive had since Kuroe 🖤 got added to the story anyway

the gang agrees it's time to hunt down the cutest rabbit pimp 🕶️🐇💵 in the city. >> say 🎵mukyuuu🎵 one more time and ill hug you so hard my backstory will pop right out, you adorable fluffy bastard. plz be my new best friend 💕

Form brand new friendship pact with Kyubae, and remember that my lil Sis 🐥 was always the best wingman for pickin up magic chicks, and kept her side of the room so spotless i forgot she existed. whoops 乁༼☯‿☯✿༽ㄏ Maybe if I find her i can stop paying these exorbitant pull fees.📵💎

speaking of which: hot damn this week's featured bachelorette is a 19 year old model and magical detective🔎 with massive levels of PTSD and self loathing 🥵💙💦 more likely to stab you or dramatically jump off a rooftoop than utter a single positive comment. wow, maybe i really COULD find true love…

... if i had MORE THAN A 1% FUCKING DRAW CHANCE. 😡 smh

hard to make much progress finding sis or winning the broken heart of a hard boiled detective amidst the never ending lover's quarrel of the Trident Vine Lesbians. 💔 Sword Mom tells them if they don't behave a monster will take them away. LOL classic mom 🤣

>>>HOLY FUCK IT DID

declare all-out war on urban legends, starting with staircases ⚔️ to reunite the dysfunctional trio, and hope that I net a way better lineup with the next 10x pull. at least sad sleuth lady came to help out. they say combat is the best way to bond wi- and there she goes off the rooftop again 🙄 fml

alright that got way off track, we need a fresh start, away from all the loli drama. how bout a little B&E🔓🔨🤷🏻‍♀️ at the local house of worship to clear my head. ahh nothing like the unanswered prayers of the masses to get you in the mood for another wasted pull, and the 🔥 MIGHTIEST 🔥 headache you could ask for with a side of Double Cooked Pork 🐖🍜 (meh 5/10🧾)

venture forth into the spiritual unknown with your new human flamethrower🔥🌻🧡 and ask your favorite private eye to please, for the love of Eve, trade Meguca accounts with me~~~ Head through the eastern spirit portal to meet up with hologram propaganda sis and detective crush's evil ex, who joined a dating-app cult (#fuck) and also turned into the moon?🌕?(that's rough buddy)

get ambushed by Acid Horse on Wheels 🌈🐴 and vomit up my soul so hard that its time for a crossover episode. T U R F F F W A R R R *que operatic harmonies* 💛 Blondie with the hair drills and enough attitude and guns to fill up a noble phantasm tries to ban my account permanently, but PI heartthrob denies her admin privileges. aww babe i didn't know you cared. 😭♥️

get kidnapped by my new true love and go back to her place 😏 defs enough empty rooms to house five emotionally traumatized girls and at least two ghosts hehehe👻 XD 💚🃏💜🎸 decide to form the anti-gossip brigade and recruit my blazing sunflower after getting ambushed by the witch living in my fruit loops🥣

❌outvoted 2:1 that cults are bad. mf. fiinneee one last pull to round out the team and then I'll delete the app. cmonnn Karin 🎃~

OH HELL YEAH TWO FOR ONE.

Always wanted a daughter 💜🔨🐄 with a penchant for pissing off the local Martial Arts & Books Club and drinking suspicious liquids offered by total strangers. Well if it's good enough for her AND the sexy mayadere with enough game to seduce a mermaid, might as well get in on that myself.

#curseddrank 🤢 0/24 would not recommend to a friend, 'cept maybe Ria

win alot of cash 🤑, blow up a fountain, meet the pied piper²🎶🖕, moon cult, monochrome feathers, something about liberation✊🏻; adopt temper tantrum cow girl. aces 💜🥩

Next up!!! skydiving with DJ Hammer! Jump to apparently-not-certain death after suicidal A.I. 💚💾🗼 tells you to rescue her hostage before they run out of Radiohead albums and have to move on to Thom Yorke's solo discography. save the invisible shield kitten 💚👑😿 from happiness and get chased through the internet by the sexiest homicidal Paint Pallette 💚🎨😈 since Caravaggio. (apparently green is the color of the digital apocalypse. i’m deleting Kako from my friend's list)

that’s it, fuck this app. 250 stones 💎 per-life-threatening-experience is more than i’m willing to deal with 😓 don’t wanna mess with the perfect nuclear family anyway. we've already got:

✔️the two emotionally traumatized moms with memory and commitment issues

✔️the adhd daughter with anger management problems and a giant hammer

✔️the psychologically abused scizophrenic cat

✔️and the eccentric aunt with crippling anxiety

#squadgoals

now that were done hoarding bitches, its time to hunt the witches. and the bitches makin the witches. btw did i mention the witches ARE the bitches! AND WERE ALL GOING TO DIE!? 📽️⁉️💀 wait fuck lets back up a second

This is Nemo📕 and Token🧪 and they have all the answers but prefer if you only ask vague questions in exchange for vague responses so they can fill in the rest by discussing their superior intellect 🧠 at length. not to mention they built that dating app, so of course everyone in my harem decides to be a FUCKING. TRAITOR.🤬

cept waifu prime ofc 🥰💙. [PTSD > brainwashing] 'yOu CaN bE tHe LeAdEr NoW'. i have been from the very beginning you traumatized Hinedere nightmare. maybe if you weren't so caught up collecting surrogate daughters you would've noticed IM👏THE👏ONLY👏 ONE👏PROGRESSING👏THE FUCKING👏PLOT✨

rescue the rest of dysfunctional found-family™ from selves before my adorable firebender burns down Disnihama🎡🔥😱 during her weekly anxiety attack. (love the makeover T B H)

CHAPTER 8: Magical Girl Massacre🩸🗡️

- everyone has like, the shittiest day ever

- the new Pope really needs to be extradited from the church

- make friends with a really pretty tree 🌺🌲✨

i swear, if i don't finish this god damn story in time to get that free pull im gonna beat the shit out of every mirror i find in that giant mansion that i haven't even had any time to even mention yet. 🖕🏚️ let alone EVERYTHING happening with the prequel [fuck you, I'm the star] girls 💗💜💙💛❤️️ and their multidimensional melodrama. We don't need that many repetitive af episodes to emphasize that Homo-ra is a shitty person. we've all seen Rebellion. 🙄

NO, I DONT CARE IF YOU WANT SAPPHO'S BACKSTORY, I ONLY HAVE 79 STONES LEFT AND IF YACHAN FINDS OUT I HAVEN'T DELETED THE APP YET IM GONNA HAVE TO GO SLEEP IN WITH SANA 😭💎💸😠

uhhhggggg where were we… Topple a cult and burn down Hotel Denoument only to realize that Sis was fused with the dating app servers this entire madokafuckin time (told ya she was the best wingman 😊).

Dilemma: Sis =🥚, Triumvirate of Trouble want 🐣. What do? vote now:

Help Hatch - IIIIIII

Not Do That - IIIII

What The Actual Fuck Is Going On - IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Lets just fight everyone until something good happens.

🔥🔫🔥🗡️🔥😱🔥🌆🔥😱🔥🛡️🔥💣🔥

Kill (???) the artist-in-chief of the italian reindeer murder police after teaching her the true meaning of Christmas 🎄 hatch 🐣lil Sis and realize she WAS your wingman all along🐰 MUKYUUUU! we're just gonna ignore how much trouble it would have saved if you'd just mentioned that. "yOu DiDnT aSk..."

FUCK YOU SPACE BITCH. ONCE AN INCUBATOR ALWAYS AN INCUBATOR 🖕🐇🔪

anywho, somewhere along the lines we of course summoned the Antichrist ⚙️ because why not raise the stakes to max and still not kill off a single character. Madofuckinkami, can we PLEASE wrap this up. 😩💤

feathers (not the culty kind, tfm) rain from the sky, and the power of friendship and not having the Urobutcher 🔪🩸as a lead writer saves our peacefully sectioned off alternate reality 😇

TL:DR fuck cults, real life waifus DO exist, don't sell your soul to space rabbits, or your stones to megacorporations. Enjoy arc 2 on the JP server with your shitty translation patch you filthy fuckin weebs

Yours Truly,

- Thirsty Weeb Eroha 💗💎😘

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kidcataldo · 6 years

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Freeze Frame. Yep, that’s me. No, not Harry Potter. You see the boy in the very back, behind Harry Potter and the crowd of people hovering around him? The lanky second year reading Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them? Yeah, that’s me. I’m Jerry, Jerry Potter, Harry’s lesser known little brother.

I know you all must be shocked, for you’ve read all seven books and/or eight movies and there’s no mention of a brother. Well, I’ve been there, I assure you. I’ve merely been a background character all this time. But now, in this cruddy fanfiction, it’s my time to shine! As I turned the page of the book I was reading, engrossed in the wonderful story before me, Hermione Granger bumped into me. “Sorry, I—oh, Jerry, it’s you,” she said. “I didn’t see you there.” “Oh bother,” I say with a hint of melancholy. “Fantastic Beasts,” she said, gesturing to my book. “Wonderful read, don’t you think?” “Yes, but I’m not quite sure Johnny Depp is the best choice to play Grindelwald.” Just then a roar of cheers erupted as Harry Potter, my famous big brother, was hoisted into the arms of the Weasley twins, who were chanting “Potter! Potter!” Harry, the one who defeated the dark Lord Voldemort with his mere thumb (I may be exaggerating a little bit, but I do it for emphasis), smiled at the attention. “What are you doing in Gryffindor tower?” questioned Hermione, for I was a Hufflepuff. “I think it best that I stay away from the Hufflepuffs for the time being.” You see, I made my special peanut butter chocolate chip cookies last night before the big quidditch game, and it seems Cedric Diggory, Hufflepuff’s seeker, is allergic to both peanut butter and chocolate. The poor man nearly died. He forgave me at once, of course, but, unfortunately, the Hufflepuff’s are still bruised about the whole situation, especially since I was their replacement seeker and vowed to win the match for Cedric, even going as far as betting his life on it. I’m not too worried about it, though; I’ll just go to the kitchen later and bake some more cookies for them. Hufflepuffs forgive easily; I know I do, anyway. “Right,” said Hermione. “Potter! Potter!” chanted the Weasley twins as they carried Harry, my dear brother, around the common room as if he were their king. Oh! King Harry. Having enough of King Harry’s antics, I quietly slip out, the fat lady shocked to even see me, knowing all too well that I do not belong there. She opened her mouth to speak (or rather scold me), but somebody else spoke up first: “Vlimey, Potter!” It was Vlane, my Slytherin best friend. He was also in his second year at Hogwarts. “There you are. I’be veen looking for you eberywhere!” Vlane has a tendency to say his V’s like B’s and his B’s like V’s. I’m used to it now, but it sure has gotten us into some sticky situations in the past. “Sorry, Vlane—“ “No... it’s Vlane,” he says, with an emphasis on the V. “Yeah, that’s what I said,” I say. “Vlane.” “No, my name is Vlane,” he says. “V as in Vogart... Why does ebery one call me that? You know what, forget it, call me Blane for all I care... “Professor Snape needs to see us,” he continued. “He says it is of the utmost importance that we come to his office immediately.” I sighed, knowing all too well what kind of scolding we were about to endure.

“WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL WERE YOU THINKING?” roared Snape. “YOU TOLD ME THEY WOULD LOSE! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY I BET ON YOU?” He huffed, turning away from the boys. “Quidditch prodigy my ass,” he mumbled. “I can’t let Slytherin lose again to those... those-“ “Vuffons?” suggested Vlane. “-assholes,” said Snape. “Just give me more time,” I say. “I’ll get you your win. I promise. Tomorrow’s the talent show and Vlane and I are doing magic tricks.” “That won’t get you anything, Potter!” he said with a snarl. “In case you haven’t noticed this whole damn school does magic tricks!” “But not muggle magic tricks,” I say, a smirk forming on my face. “The audience will sure to gibe us the golden win,” said Vlane happily. “Yes... yes, that’s brilliant,” said Snape in a whisper. “Arthur Weasley is the top judge this year... This could actually work.” “Of course it’ll work,” I say confidently. “When have my plans never not worked?” Snape raised an eyebrow, letting a fowl frown grow on his face.

“Welcome, wizards and witches,” announced Professor McGonagall proudly, “to the Thirty-first Annual Hogwarts Talent Show Competition. Each house will compete for the Hogwarts house cup. “Gryffindor is in first place with two hundred and forty-five points.” The Gryffindor team erupted into cheers, banging hard on their table, making sure everyone could hear them loud and clear. “Followed by Slytherin, who have two hundred and fifteen points.” Slytherin House all hollered, jumping out of their seats excitingly. “Ravenclaw is at one hundred and thirty, while Hufflepuff is in last with one hundred and one points. “It’s still anyone’s game,” she promised, though the smile on her face told me she was confident Gryffindor was gonna win. “We shall begin with a word from our sponsor.” McGonagall stepping aside, a big buff man emerged from the crowd. “Do YOU want to be BUFF like ME?” he questioned, flexing his big muscled tricep. “Well now ANYONE can,” he said, holding up a bottle of pink liquid, “with Rawling’s Magical Muscle Mixture. “Now, you all might be thinking, ‘Rawling, the Magical Muscle Mixture man, how did you create such a delicious mixture that also makes you beautiful?’ With magic, of course,” he said, smiling. All the girls in the crowd, including one Hermione Granger, squealed as he flexed more of his muscles. “Call now and I’ll include my blue mixture, which helps with hair growth. Or just stop at my store, Rawling’s Magical Muscle Mixture. Tell them Rawling sent you,” he said with a wink. Everyone applauded as he left the stage and Dumbledore appeared. “Thank you Rawling, the Magical Muscle man,” he said happily. “Our first contestant is unfortunately unable to perform, due to a peanut butter and chocolate incident.” I felt my face heat up as the Hufflepuffs all glared at me. “But Mr. Diggory, nonetheless, wishes his Hufflepuff family the very best of luck in this talent competition. “Moving on to our second competitors, Hermione Granger will now perform a rendition of God Save the Queen with Ginny Weasley on the piano. Ladies,” he said and both Hermione and Ginny went on the stage. The performance, though very dull, nevertheless seemed to astonish Mr. Weasley, who was in tears by the end. Every contestant must have been told that mundane muggle stuff excites him because it seemed that everyone was doing muggle things. The Patil twins tapped dance. Cho Chang recited a Law and Order episode by heart. The only one not to do anything muggle related was Draco Malfoy, who conjured up three snakes with his wand and forced them to eat each other. The competition is tough this year, I’m beginning to realize, but I know me and Vlane are tougher. “And finally Mr. Jerry Potter and Mr. VobleVooboo will be doing magic tricks,” he said, reading his notecard. “Correction, they will be doing mugglemagic tricks.” The crowd gasped as me and Vlane made our way up to the stage. I couldn’t help but smile; we had this thing in the palm of our hands. Vlane was dressed in his muggle magician suite, top hat and everything, while I wore my lovely assistant’s dress. “Ladies and gentlemen,” started Vlane, removing his hat. “Watch carefully, for I will not ve repeating myself... “Jerry, my lobely assistant,” he said, handing me his hat, “is there anything out of the ordinary about this hat?” I look inside and shrug. “Looks like a normal hat to me,” I say. “Oh, vut it’s not,” he said. Three taps on his fake muggle wand and Vlane reaches into the hat and pulls out a rabbit. The audience oohs and ahhs, followed by applause, captivated by the trick. Dropping the hat and placing the rabbit in my care, Vlane then picks up two large rings. “As you can see here, these rings are not meant to connect... or are they?” Forcefully, he clashed the two rings together and they connected. The crowd went wild. Mr. Weasley nearly fainted. “We gotta finish strong,” I whisper to Vlane as I help him wheel in a giant box. In the distance I see Professor Snape, looking quite impressed, if I do say so myself. I was going to win this one. For Snape and for Hufflepuff. “Remember, before you reopen the box, you have to say the magic words: Abada Kedabra. Got it?” “Right,” he nods confidently before turning back to the audience. “For my last trick, ladies and gentlemen, I will need help from someone in the audience. Any takers?” Almost everyone’s hands shot up. The only one who didn’t seem interested was Malfoy and a few of his friends. “What avout you, sir?” he said, pointing with his fake muggle wand at Professor Flitwick down in the front. Squealing excitingly, Flitwick wabbled his way up on stage. “Now, this may seem like an ordinary plain old muggle box,” Vlane said, opening it, “vut I assure you it is so much more! “Professor,” said Vlane dramatically, “if you would.” Flitwick entered the box and I closed the box securely and spun it around three times, just how we practiced (of course now there was a living person inside the box instead of Vlane’s stuffed serpent). “Now, on the count of three I will make our professor... disappear,” he said. Tapping his muggle wand onto the box, Vlane began counting. “One. Two... Three. Avada Kedavra!” Vlane’s muggle wand spirt out a flash of green. There was a crashing noise and Professor Flitwick came falling out. He lay on the floor, still. Upon closer inspection, I realized what hadn’t happened. Professor Flitwick was dead.

#harry potter fanfiction #harry potter #jerry potter #severus snape #spoof #Hermione Granger #Ron Weasley #oc #own character #fanfiction #harry ptter spoof

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thatshighlyoffensive · 7 years

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THAT’S HIGHLY OFFENSIVE: MET GALA 2017

Well, well, welcome to the annual skewering of Dummies with Money Pretending They Care About Anything Other Than Themselves AKA the Met Gala 2017 (or as Drew Jordan called it, “a party for relatives of famous people.” I hate most of the people that attended this year, plus my supply of fucks is as depleted as my bank account these days, so the positive reviews are scarce. Cat and I watched the E! red carpet coverage together and tried really hard to care, but it never happened. We were passionate about one thing though: Whoever manned the camera tonight should be fired and exiled to a country where they only photograph people from the shoulders up and then seek treatment for his obvious battle with Parkinson’s. HIGHLY OFFENSIVE. Enjoy!

Giuliana Rancid (who is obviously not at the actual event because she would never be invited to anything other than a Ruby Tuesday’s salad bar ribbon cutting) spent the evening with a bunch of other nobodies in a studio on the west coast and chose to drape her Antz body in the milky exoskeleton of one of her albino brethren.

I hate Katy Perry almost as much as I hate Lena Dunham, so the fact that she has dated my future husband John Mayer is something that whittles away at my black heart daily, and whatever the hell I’m looking at on the red carpet right now just took out another big chunk. I literally cannot, so that’s all.

Lily Collins looks like the Berries ’n’ Cream Starburst guy on his way to a Sophia Coppola sponsored transgender formal.

Kendall Jenner would be 100% perfection if she’d done something different with her hair. Those legs, MY GOD.

Kylie Jenner (as always) looks like Bruce Jenner in a Pretty Woman wig with a Kris Kardashian’s worth of plastic surgery in a girdle and pair of Steve Maddens.

Rose Byrne: The sun’ll come ouuuut tomorrow! Actually, it saw you tonight and decided not to.

Brie Larson looks like the love child of Babette the feather duster and one of my hand bells from middle school church choir in Dorothy Zbornak’s footwear.

Lily James looks like Natalie Portman from Black Swan wrapped in a Swiffer Wet Jet.

Rihanna looks like two Jimmy Dean sausage links wrapped in red licorice, stuffed into a clotted human heart piñata.

Naomi Watts looks more like Nicole Kidman every day. But probably my favorite look of the night.

Celine Dion looks like Jenna Lyons wrapped one of her old, bedazzled J. Crew tees in the Oscar gown she pulled out of Angelina Jolie’s trash can and secured it with the straps from one of the antique electric chairs Billy Bob is afraid of. #teamjolie

Bella Hadid- I don’t love all the weight she’s lost since becoming an ‘it’ girl/I’m insanely jealous, but her look harkens back to the origins of the MET ball aka the OG supermodels and the designers that loved them, so I give her look an A.

GiGi- While I really do appreciate your channeling of Christy Turlington (whether you meant to or not), I can’t say that I fully understand your look tonight. The color is that of a gout ridden tuna, the shape is that of a sushi wrapped tuna, and your panty hose are reminiscent of someone wrapping tuna in seaweed at Hibachi Express. Sanitation grade: C+

Chrissy Teigen looks like she always has: bloated and wild. Her outfit looks like a cotton gin exploded next to a L’eggs factory.

Lupita Nyongo looks like the Toucan Tropicana Barbie and that is all.

Ruby Rose is channeling some ‘She Sells Sea Shells by the Jersey Shore’ shit.

Miranda Kerr looks like a walking, glossy, coral reef, made up by Bobbi Boring Brown, as usual.

Rami Malek went to the Ball as a Twizzler. Or was it a Red Vine? #redvinesfamily

Zendaya: Mac-OW.

Paris Jackson: I have never been so offended by someone. First of all, she has about as much of Michael Jackson’s DNA in her as I do. Secondly, she looks like she put as much effort into her appearance tonight as I did when I dialed Dominos earlier. Also- Express’s formal collection has never looked worse. Also, also, your tattoos rival the mess of ink on a backstreet water rat.

Madonna- I didn’t think I could be more offended by a poseur than Paris Jackson, but again, I’m proven wrong. Her gap-toothed, fake-British bullshit can’t be hidden by all the camo in the world, and certainly not by one hideous dress.

Zoe Kravitz- Big Little Lies made me love her and this outfit does nothing but add to my new obsession. I could do without the sleeve contusions, but I’m obsessed with the rest. Like the finale of BLL, she’s channeling Audrey Hepburn like a boss.

Kate Hudson- Yo ass has looked the same every damn year. This year is the same, just more boring and like you’re trying to channel a Kartrashian aka HIGHLY OFFENSIVE. But also- i love you.

Gwyneth Paltrow looks like she ate Chelsea Handler and borrowed Titus’s pumps.

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen: Two canoodling Weimaraners.

Lily Rose Depp: I actually love this. All of it. I am ashamed.

Sarah Paulson: And the cockatoo cried ‘Nevermore.’

Cara Delevigne: The Tin Man and The Nanny Named Fran had a baby. And it was ugly.

Rita Ora: Wasn’t it nice of Russell Stover to cater the red carpet?

Maggie Gyllenhaal: If Dorothy Draper, the Jolly Green Giant and a footless grandpa had a baby.

Halle Berry: Barnacles never looked so good.

Reese Witherspoon: Alexis Carrington would be proud. But that ponytail… She’d snatch it off.

Amy Schumer: So you ate Tonya Harding and then stole some kid’s Scarlet Witch cosplay outfit from their Orlando double-wide and threw it over your hamhocks? You belong IN a trash bag, not wrapped in one.

Kim Kartrasashian: An OB tampon at a Renaissance Faire. That is all.

J. Lo- You’re channeling Jennifer North and I love that, but your horse hair ponytail is highly offensive. And I’m not sure I get the color. But I think you and A. Rod make a perfect couple.

Karlie Kloss- Your shiny face is offensive. Stop. Your shoes are on point like a mosquito’s knee. Stop. Your dress is half terrible/half almost there. Stop. Put on a damn necklace. Stop.

Kerry Washington- Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard with a lisp. Also- your lace front is almost as off-putting as Johnny Travolta’s. OFFENSIVE ON ALL COUNTS.

Blake Lively- I don’t know how someone makes golden chain mail with a peacock’s ass attached to it so boring, but you’ve done it. Also- you’ve done the braid/ponytail to death and made me want to follow suit. Death’s, not the hairstyle’s…

Jessica Chastain- Queen EleaBore of Land O’ Lakes called, she says you look melted.

Hailey Baldwin- I don’t know how dressing like a slutty piece of salt water taffy turned state’s surprise witness in a dog collar makes you a top model, but best regards and kindest wishes.

Nicki Minaj looks like Chun Li’s evil twin going to prom in Cleveland, Ohio.

So, Elle Fanning The Chinless Wonder thought tonight’s gala was an audition to be another boring ass Disney princess?

Mandy Moore- I love you more than anything because you are Rapunzel but NO. You are not Anjelica Huston in Addams Family.

Salma Hayek- you are naturally STUNNING and tonight you look OFFENSIVE and like a character from one of my brother’s anime shows. And not in a good way.

Selena Gomez made my eyes roll out of my head, onto the floor, out the door, into the street, and under the tire of Rachel Leigh Cook’s Volkswagen Rabbit.

Emma Roberts looks like a Jennifer Garner drag queen auditioning for the role of Jessica Rabbit in a high school production of Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Priyanka Chopra is literally just wearing a trench coat. #carmensandiegoworeitbetter #andwithahat

Kate Bosworth always looks like a creepy Victorian doll with alopecia.

Worst dressed: Daisy Ridley, hands down. She looks like someone sewed fabric from the bargain bin onto one of those built-in-bra pajama dresses from Target and threaded a wonky hula hoop into the bottom. Hideous hair. No jewelry? HIGHLY OFFENSIVE.

BYEEEEEEEE

#metgala #metgala2017 #thatshighlyoffensive celebritiesaredumb

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phynxrizng · 5 years

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17 NOVEMBER, 2018 - 23:08 DAVID HALPIN

Ancient Women Shaman of Ireland: Goddesses of Prophecy and Omens

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The Celtic scholar Nora Chadwick notes that in Irish mythology the prophetess Fedelm tells Queen Medb that she has been in the land of Alba learning the art of the Filidect. Medb asks if she has learned Imbas Forosnai, and when told yes, Medb asks Fedelm if she will look into her future to see how she will prosper. She then chants her prophecy in the form of a poem. According to many scholars, the name "Fedelm" itself means "prophetess" and is said to derive from the proto-Celtic stem wēd- / wid- "to know, to see".

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Warrior women with sword in a hand ( Maksym Dykha / Adobe)

Shaman Warriors Idolized as Goddesses

Also, from Irish mythology, when the wise warrior woman, Scathach, prophesies the life of the hero, Cú Chulainn, she speaks in Imbas Forosnai. Scathach is also considered a goddess of the dead by some scholars, which points to a shamanic origin.

The Goddess Badb is also a goddess of prophecy and omens. She appears before battles to predict death through her trance-like cries. And, of course, the Morrigan is the most famous seer and prophetess of all from these old Irish texts.

As we can see, all of the attributes of shamanism were well established in Irish tradition by the time these stories were given their Christian makeover by later monks.

Mysterious sorceress in a cold forest in the fog with a white owl. ( kharchenkoirina /Adobe)

How the Shaman Communed with Nature to Receive Powers

One wonders, when looking at comparable cultures, just what was left out of their recordings considering their view of women at the time. Could this be a reason for the scarcity of mentions of Irish women shaman in the Christian controlled texts?

In his History of Ireland, Geoffrey Keating wrote:

The druids used the hides of bulls offered in sacrifice for divination and the acquisition of wisdom. And many are the ways in which they acquired wisdom, such as looking at their own images in water, or gazing at the clouds of heaven, or listening to the noise of the wind, or the chattering of birds.

Photograph of St Keiran's Cathedral, Clonmacnoise, Ireland (JohnArmagh / Public Domain )

The Clash Between Christian Monks and Women Shaman

All of these practices would have been considered demonic by the Christian monks of Ireland, so they were certainly the victim of censure and erasure.

Another intriguing link between Irish women shaman and the Nordic wise-women, the Volur, occurs in the old Irish text the Cogadh Gaedhel re Gaillaibh . In this case the woman shaman is a Volur seer named Otta and she used the church at Clonmacnoise for her oracle workings. She would seat herself in a high chair upon the altar where she would enter her trance states. Chair amulets and ritual staffs have been found at many of the graves of these shamanic women in Scandinavia. There has also been a Volur staff found in Ireland at Kilmanham. Some of the burials have found women riding the staffs in the manner of a broom and many have been found decorated with runes and magical symbols.

Poulnabrone portal tomb, Ireland (Kglavin / Public domain )

A commonality regarding the burial of women shaman is how a large rock was placed upon their remains. It is only relatively recently that archaeologists are finally acknowledging the legacy and standing of these powerful women and their importance in ancient societies as well as the magical and shamanic function of the items they were buried with.

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A pagan conjures in forest ( Денис Прокофьев /Adobe)

Evolution of the Pagan Ways’ Demise

Of course, this tradition continued with time. The names of these women changed, and their treatment also changed as the church grew stronger and the indigenous, pagan ways were demonized.

It seems legitimate, then, to look again at the goddesses and women shaman in the ancient Irish texts and ask if perhaps their appearance masks a much more widespread lineage and tradition. Could it be that a matriarchal spiritual ancestry is the source of many of these accounts and might the scant references be an attempt to extinguish the importance and power of women in ancient Ireland?

Sheela na gigs’ sculpture, found at the archaeological site of Lepenski Vir in Serbia (mazbln / CC BY-SA 3.0 )

What do the ‘Sheela na gigs’ Symbolize?

Recent reappraisal of the figures called ‘Sheela na gigs’ may offer some evidence of this. Until quite recently the academic consensus, while leaving some small room, tended to favor the idea that Sheela na gigs had been created by the Normans around the 11th century. There was always a difficulty with this for a number of reasons.

Sheela na gigs have been found in high numbers in Ireland, as well as Western Europe. This seemed to play into the Norman hypothesis. It was only after later comparative scholarship in anthropology and archaeology that researchers realized that the archetype of the Sheela na gig could be found worldwide.

The ancient 'Foremother' figure found at Lepenski Vir, Siberia has been dated to roughly 6500 BC.

Megalithic mound Bryn Celli Ddu, north-east side, main entrance Môn/ Anglesey Rhion Pritchard (Rhion / Public Domain )

Megalithic Mounds – An Extension of the Sheela na gig

She was the most prominent goddess found at this site and she seems to have been associated with wombs, water, and birth. Many archaeologists also now see megalithic mounds as having a womb-like ritual purpose, perhaps indicating a shamanic re-birthing process.

Marija Gimbutas has also written about the correlations between the Sheela na gig figure and the frog goddess of Egypt, Heqet, who was also a protector of pregnant women and birth.

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Carving of Sheela na gig at Moura Pena Furada - Coirós, Coruña ( Elisardojm / CC BY-SA 3.0 )

Symbols of Regeneration and Protection

This image may even date back further to the Palaeolithic where we have bone engravings of frog/ toad women. These carvings are interpreted to represent regeneration.

Seeing the Sheela na gig as a representation of a goddess who was a protector of women would certainly seem to make sense and link to the hypothesis of an ancient Irish matriarchal tradition. Not only do we have a direct relationship to ancient goddess carvings, but to a goddess who has been documented as being specifically evoked by women.

But if Christianity wanted to erase this knowledge why would they have placed representations of this pagan goddess on their buildings?

Sheela na gig on the south west pillar of the presbytery in St. Magnus Cathedral, Orkney, c. 12-13th centuries, Romanesque and Norman. ( Wordandsilence1979 / CC BY-SA 4.0 )

The Sheela na gig Attempts to Evade Suppression by the Church

Today, we have a wider understanding about the repression of wise-woman traditions in their many manifestations. All over the world, from witch trials to the wiping out of indigenous cultures, there has been a suppression of women shaman, sorceresses, and the older earth goddesses themselves.

The monotheistic aversion to the expression of women’s power and sexuality is a reason Sheela na gig’s may have been placed within church structures. It would be a way in which to visually curtail this power and assert its ‘sinfulness’. In other words, imprisoning the image of women’s power within the church symbolically represented the church’s victory over the goddess.

Pope Gregorius I dictating the gregorian chants (Hartker of Sankt-Gallen / Public Domain )

Pope Gregory Commands - Curb the Attacks Against the Pagans

We actually have a historical precedent for this deliberate suppression of older, pagan gods and goddesses.

In a letter sent by Pope Gregory in 500 AD, Christian missionaries and monks are told to curb the violent attacks against pagans and their places of worship. They are instructed to instead Christianize the sacred sites and swap pagan idols for Christian saints. This would indicate that a process was in place to change the meaning of idols from representing the more ancient gods and goddesses to something else entirely.

Wise Woman in black cloak in the forest ( edinorog12 /Adobe)

The Shamanic Practices Experience Survival and Rediscovery

Over the course of time these deities were banished to the fringes of cultures. In Ireland the Bean Feasa or ‘wise woman’ managed to survive and continue the legacy of indigenous shamanic practices but the ancestral connections were cut through the rewriting of Irish history by arriving monks. Remnants remain though, and by connecting the attributes of prophecy and the association with ancient sites, comparative anthropology is beginning to rediscover the original shamanic women of Ireland.

Top image: Women shaman of Ireland in trance - magic rotates the leaves. Source: kharchenkoirina / Adobe

By David Halpin

David Halpin is a writer from Carlow, Ireland. He compiles local folklore and documents alignments between ancient monuments near his home in Ireland, and is a regular contributor to Ancient Origins and various Fortean and occult websites. Join him for virtual and physical guided tours of ancient Irish sites at @CircleStoriesDavidHalpin

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The White Princess Diaries - Ep 1 Part 3 - Don’t you wish it was him...

Having no choice in the marital maladies department - Dr Who invites Lizzie-Mini to a bit of a buffet – and there’s fruit and there is M&S fruit, but she is having none of it and - Yahoo! - at last the crown has gone! There is lots of innuendo about fillies and stallions and all I can glean from this is that Aneurard was a bit of a stud in bed. Well of course he was! Didn’t any of them watch TWQ if only for research purposes?

Caution – obligatory rape scene. Or not. No one gets undressed, one sits on the bed – the other stands up - and there is about a nano second of grunting and he’s blathering on about being the king and even quotes the royal “we.” Or the royal ‘weeeeeeeeeee’

Someone cries – me actually - and that’s it – its over. Its now all to see if she is fertile – spoiler alert – guess what is going to happen next…..

Oh how I miss Anne Neville at times like this – remember the candles, the bolsters, the freckles, the burning bush…the small but big but small baby! Sigh.

Who tells her he was thinking about Cob Face Cecily which is why he was only grunting for five seconds and not ten – and Lizzie-Mini gives him the best right hook I have seen in ages and I rewind so I can see it again and again. And again. She storms off back to the Travelodge where Cecily is….bouncing on the bed…

Mini Lizzie-ish says Dr Who is a bad man. You are telling me? He is also a twat…. And he can’t fight and doesn’t own any armour and even his horse ran away when he tried to hide under it…sorry – what plot? Oh – that one!

Well Dr Who has put his leather pants back on and now Cecily is paying him a night time visit to try and get her hands on his family jewels – but he has taken his crown off so she can’t. That makes her sulk even more. Told you. Cob face!

Grasper definitely needs to go on a diet but instead he is arranging to have Coronation Chicken – that’s the coronation of a chicken for those in the know (bock bock bock…)

Grasper (Mk 2) has huge bags under his eyes. Well that’s what you get for murdering people…serves you right – I hope your chicken chokes you – in Leicester!

So – Lizzie-Mini has to have a child first before Who will marry her or invite her to have coronation chicken. Jeez and they called Aneurard for fancying her pants off?? Now Dr Who is looking in the tower for the princes…ho! ho! ho! Remember when poor Aneurard had to do that and he looked under every sheet and in ever cupboard and chest he could find in the one room…it took him all of…30 seconds not to find them. But he did look bloody gorgeous whilst he was doing it. But fear not! Caitlyn Mags is going to do something - but I am not entirely sure what.

Oh bloody hell – Lizzie-Mini is now wearing a crown – well more like half a crown. And she’s getting a lecture from Caitlyn Stark who probably thinks Teddy is Tyrion so she wants him in the Tower. We’ve been here before… don’t forget. She’s now trying to make friends with Lizzie-Mini – God the woman must be desperate as she’s now whinging on about loyalty – something she has no contraception of. She put Dr Who on the throne she says – well someone did because it wasn’t him and half the people who turned up on the battlefield have been claiming they killed Poor Aneurard and Dr Who certainly was not one of them. He turned up in his Tardis after it was all finished!

Now Madder by the Minute Mags is fore telling the future. A boy will be born! (eh is she now Sisterbeth?) and he will end the Cousins War (the what?) – and his name will be Edward – I saw it on a spoon once!

Finally, the coronation – or something. It’s the cheapest looking coronation parade I have ever seen – it looks more like the Cleethorpes Carnival. Who travels on his own by horse and not a cloth of estate in sight and everyone has the same clothes on in the Travelodge so its good some things don’t change. Saves lugging a suitcase everywhere. Cecily is bouncing on the bed again…..Dobby eat your heart out!

The bells are ringing – which means Lizzie-Mini has to pay a visit to the toilet just in case she is pregnant …but as she has only been bonked by Who once and its all that soon as no one has any concept of time - she could just as well be preggers by Aneurard than Chewdorwho. Ooh! Idea! Could Aneurard turn up as his own son? He does get younger every year so it is possible? (scribbles note to Starz)

Lizzie Mini now wants herbs for belly pain – I know the feeling!

Nokia Ned gives Sisterbeth a ring – surprisingly no one has seen Perkin – er – Parkin at Turney…maybe he changed his mind and went to Disneyland. The jewel is missing – its probably on Dr Who’s head. Or it could be the jewel in the Nile – or in denial! The soldiers who went back to Yorkshire because they had lost their sat nav were told to slaughter any boys they found in WoodvilleLand.

Ahh Herod – don’t you wish you were here?

Dr Who is wearing an embroidered smock round his neck to eat coronation chicken in – if only it were tighter! Its like a big bib – but not a drool bib – obviously.

Caitlyn aka Mad Mags Stark raving mad looks on. Really - what are you doing in this series? I just saw you in Fortitude! However, I need some Fortitude as we are now at the coronation (again) and I can see the chicken but no food. Amusingly, Stanley is wearing a beret. Has he become cosmopolitan and begun speaking fraunch ce la vie?

And of course there are no clergy so it is left to Lady Stark to shout out to the assembled extras - ”God and the BBC save Dr Who!”

Now Margaret of Warwick has some Mandrake whereas I just have a headache. Lizzie-Mini still needs it to get rid of her belly pain – I want it to get rid of the past three years and see Aneurard again frankly.

Useful Medieval NHS tip :–Mandrake gets rid of babies and gives you bad dreams. Any resemblance to real or actual drugs is purely coincidental.

Lizzie-not so Mini soon – still wants Aneurard – and she’s still not alone there is she! I am only watching in a very faint, disappearing hope.

Cecily is bouncing on the bed again – for God’s sake I hope I never get put in that Travelodge room – and suddenly Sisterbeth Queen has donuts in her hair like Princess Leia. The fire – and the Werthers – are back and someone has peanut brittle as well so I have no idea what anyone is saying.

Lizzie-Mini-getting larger - asks Mumsy to kill the Tudors and I have to laugh now as the Queen of Tarts says she can’t kill anyone. What? She killed the Yorks (and she is now calling herself a York) Is she confused, crazy or just reading a crap script? So she says her spells are just pure luck really (Really?). Lizzie - not so mini - must not blame her not yet big or small baby for being a Chewdor. She has to make him tall and strong – just not fat and murdering like her grandson

So after giving childrearing advice (from a woman who sent a five year old off on his own to sea) Sisterbeth slinkers off then to – oh make a spell with some mandrake then!

Dr Who is happy cos he is having a child – it’s a miracle because a) he’s a bloke and b) he’s a bastard

Lizzie - bigger by the minute - now wants a wedding more than anything. Mad Caitlyn gets all ready to inform those who don’t understand this period by announcing that the baby will be a boy and will be named Arthur and will be christened in Winchester (where?)

Hang on? Arthur? Loud Splash as that bloody spoon gets thrown back in the river! But – hello! Aneurard – Arthureurard – there may be distinct possibilities here – we all know he can do young – and ride a trike!

Lizzie Major is getting her own wedding gown from Pradatagenet…purveyors of posh pregnancy plans to Plantagenet Princesses! It’s all ramping up now!

Queen Sisterbeth nicks a hair from Mad Mags Stark as she flies past her on a broomstick and goes into a dark place to wind it around a bit of mandrake and summon up one of those spells which are only luck really and not a spell at all - honest Mr Witchfinder General!

So – she makes Mad Starklyn see a ghostly white figure (yes – last seen walking next to Jon Snow) and wakes up shouting ��Bring on the Wall!” Then she sees the White Walkers (priests to you) and the Red Wedding (oh sorry - that hasn’t happened yet….that’s at the end of the episode.) And a creepy, strange figure scuttles across her bedroom and climbs into bed with her but – oh sigh of relief – its only Thomas Stanley.

But a spooky, bloody mouthed child is looking in the window chanting that the male line of her family will die and Prince Richard of York will rise against her son. Bloody hell – the script if foreshadowing like mad now – someone hide the Malmsey! But then Mads wakes up and finds her nightmare has really begun as Stanley is in the nude. (not really but that would have been funny!)

So – as she instantly knew that her dream was a product of Sisterbeth’s ‘luck’ because she saw the last series, Mrs Stark tells Dr Who that he has a heir – but no hair – but he has to lock Lizzie-Maxis mother away because she keeps nicking all the donuts to plaster to her ears. Oh – and she may be a witch.

Here we go - another bloody wedding. At least she is under an umbrella. She also brought with her some very big baps – so good news for the reception then! There are new clothes all around – sponsored by Horse of Fraser.

Lizzie - extra plus sized - gets wed in Red – told you! The Red Wedding! She bemoans her lot and says she will fight for her brother to kill the monster that is Dr Who. She may even rename him Dalek. She will fight from within – which will be difficult whilst she already has a royal bun within the Plantagenet oven.

But she is stoic. She will be hidden and patient– and wait for her brother to rescue her. I hate to tell her that she may have a long wait – he’s currently queuing up for a go on Pirates of the Caribbean!

The wedding is all a bit hammy – I like a ham sandwich myself but who is the silent bloke in red and why is Grasper almost crying? It can only be that he has seen next weeks episode.

And so to Bedtime – and some very sad music which we all know well. Dr Who doesn’t want her and she doesn’t want him (well –she’s had Aneurard after all) Dr Who jumps out of bed holding his dagger (a real one - not a euphemism) and cuts her foot with a knife to keep her honour. And so that his son is not a bastard. Hard luck on that one mate! If you nip forward in your Tardis to around 1538….

I just wish they had used different bloody music as all I can see is shoulder freckles, an nice beef-cheek and candles and bolsters….please help me!

Now Lizzie not so mini is muttering something about H and P – HP Sauce? Tomato? Is that what they used? Cut to Truly Madly Magsy listening at the door – although why is anyones guess as he has already made her pregnant so what exactly is she listening for? Hoping he yells out Mummy?

So that was it. Did you get it? Only Duchess Dyson had avoided the complete head and in some places body transformation. There was so much foreshadowing I half expected to see some plans lying around for a car park in Leicester…

What will happen next….? Well, the preview has an unknown man with a bow and arrow in a fetching blue cloak with a hood up so he looks more like Gandalf or one of the demon children in Citadel. I wonder who that could be?

Let’s think…blue cloak, bow and arrow, in disguise…its bloody Robin Hood! The colourblind years!

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