#but man I just wanna sleep rn
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would love to go back to sleep but unfortunately my brain is rushing with the need to have an academic literary discussion about Duckverse topics and won’t let me rest
#please brain no one wants to talk with me about character tropes especially when one of the things I want to discuss#is about how if said character is that trope then fanfic writers need to be more aware about how they write him and try and avoid that trope#i have too much self-preservation for that now though and also idk if he even could be and also i’m white so idk if i can even mak that call#obviously there’s so many other things in my head too like analyzing pkna and how donald’s trauma is written#or discussing Gladstone’s whole deal#but man I just wanna sleep rn#ducks txt
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2023 Las Vegas Grand Prix - Qualifiying - Fernando Alonso
#half asleep making these istg#yayyyy p9? idk ig i expected him to do better#old man asleep at the wheel whats new 😴#he was very quick w this interview i wonder if he was eager to get to bed#i certainly am rn#f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#2023 las vegas gp#(i wish i could atop feeling insecure abt my gifs. i do it for fun.)#(of course i want them to look somewhat good but i get a bit ill over it)#(there was somw drama on here at some point that made me want to completely stop posting then ngl)#(cause like what is the point if im not as good as others ig :/ this is kinda vague posting but it made me so uncomfortable)#(as i said. i do it for fun in quick time bcs yay jsut wanna post smth i found cute)#(but ever sincce that thing happened its just made me extremely self critical and insecure abt posting)#(idk why im saying this. kinda repressing the urge tk be like 'SRY THESE ARE TERRIBLE. YEAH.')#(i need to sleep. but i often feel like this literally every time i post now bcs some people get on their high horse and ruin people's fun)#(iykyk ig. its smth bothering me lately. but i hate to act so morose. but i still feel bad abt the quality sometimes. i guess.)#we do a little bit of f1
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personal growth is crazy because it seems like nothing has changed until you're crying because you don't want to die. you learn something about yourself that ten years ago would have actually killed you, and now you're thinking about what you can do to heal and make peace with it. nothing may have changed to you, but to the person you were however long ago, you are the "it gets better"
#guy who's very proud of how well he's handling things rn lol#anyways personal time:#but idk man i kinda remembered smthn from my past n#like. if it wasn't for how much effort i've put into my mental health n coping skills#n my support network now#idk id be in a much worse place.#so i'm gonna forgive myself for not really sleeping last night#n having a hard time with my bpd feelings n emotions#because fuck man! i'm doin really good actually!#growth doesn't have to be oh man i'm never ever sad anymore#it's just. idk i don't cry because i Wanna die anymore#sometimes i have an intrusive thought of suicide#and it makes me cry because i DONT wanna die. and i know those thoughts are not good or needed#but i'm not gonna beat myself up for having them. i'm just gonna be patient n gentle w myself#n give myself time#n everything will be okay(:#bc it is okay! it's in the past and i'm safe now. and i wanna make other people feel safe too#growth starts w baby steps. n that's why it's so hard to recognize in yourself a lot of the time#it goes slooooooowly. for me at least lol.#mine#despite everything i am happy because i know my life now is one i love (: and one im actively trying to better for myself
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Ohhhh god I got the motel scene everyone stay calm <- will never have a normal reaction to this scene
#thiss is my third time seeing it!!! oughf#going feral rabid wild#biting and scratching#i never have enough money to rent a room so idk how it goes when i have a normal place#but honestly. whatever it is i dont think anything gets better than jarod bringing me to his room from outside#because i cant be sleeping out there!!!!!!!#like i know that he actually just wants someone to help him get rid of the body or whatever but i prefer to se it as him being soft actually#and needing help with getting rid of the body#i cant imagine what is his excuse for taking you in when you rent a room lmao#i gotta check that someday#unless i can actually afford that rn honestly i dont remember how much is it#yeah no i dont have enough#and im trying not to get any bad karma this run i wanna be a good guy#gonna sleep on cardboard and have the man drag me inside like a normal person 👍#road 96#jarod road 96#bee buzz
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I bring to you, actual art but it’s me trying to replicate my friend @spaceshmuck’s art style
✧ reblogs are appreciated ✧ | ♡ buy me a kofi ♡ | ☾ commission info ☽
#whimsy whispers#crystalart.png#others ocs#strand von zarovich#curse of strand#space tag#GOD this was so difficult and I don’t even feel like I did that good a job but it was also fun#also hi I’m not gonna shut up about my art program crashing and this corrupting right as I was almost finished with it I need people to know#that the universe tried to stop this from existing >:| I did not spend hours going ‘is this how it would draw hands’ and cursing myself for#the damn art to not see the light of day#anyways please look at my friends art it’s SO good like god I’m jealous of its art style and character designs >:’)#like literally such lovely art y’all will check it out because I said so and my word is like law or whatever#I’m like writing these at 4:25zm on a Monday and like this won’t even be posted for another week or so but like#sorry if I’m especially stupid rn I didn’t wanna go to sleep yet so I’m saving drafts and listening to off the wall magical! on loop#y’all should also check out junie & thehutfriends because I find their music fun#just listen to me when I tell you to look at ppls art because I have good taste okay? you can trust me I’m holding your hand and we’re going#to have fun I prommy#also please do not talk about the background it was one of the things I was gonna work on when the art program crashed#the only thing I fixed after that was minor mistakes like not colouring in buttons#anyways ily pretty vampire man and ily my dear friend who’s art style vexes me 💖
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The things that are happening rn lmao
#tw: vent#tw: rant#a little ranty rant cuz I am pathetic#2020 armin could never even live through this lmao#I feel like at this point I have just gotten used to it all and doesn't even bother me#and that's what I love and hate about humans#the ability to adapt to situations so quickly#I think that I made some progress but it all happens again all the same and it just fucks me up a bit#what if me sacrificing all the fun things I could experience just me wasting my time and it all won't even be worth it all#seeing my friends have fun makes me wanna join them too but like idk man#I just need some sleep or smn and I will be fine this is all probably the sleep deprivation talking rn#I am so tired lmao#but we vibe#I just think that is this all really worth it
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little soup cans are some of the neatest things we have, wish there were more soup-can-like things in this world
#just me hi#though canopeners need to stop being deadly weapons to some degree before that hfhs#'they're not deadly tho ?' well usually yes. but did you know that they can age Badly? i did not!#and the one I was using was dulled to an extent that it would Skip over a part of the can#(nearly the same spot every time lol) and when I thought I'd managed to fool it and had only#the tiniest bit of metal between me and some beans (pretty sure it was beans) I thought#'ohh I'll just pull up the can lid :)' Well the lid snapped off completely towards and Into my hand#and I had a bean-can wound on my pinky for about a week or so. I do not know how long it's been lol#//but soup cans are pretty cool I feel like they're kinda underappreciated !!#you can just have Soup ? Whenever ??? and it's Normal !! wow :D#sure making soup is pretty great. but that's a process man. and we're not even associates#[<- 'a process I am (not) intimate with']#like there is a little can of menudo in the pantry rn - medunito they call it isn't that just !! - and it's just there. it can be made in#like 10 minutes. is this Not the best thing ever ! ?#//I've also gotta figure out this sleeping thing that I've got going on (everybody has it going on)#I was maybe half a week into actually have a consistent thing going but the night I stopped was bc I am a sucker of a storyteller and we#were up til about. I think 4-6 a.m.#that's on me yes. my siblings vs. my desire to tell stories and rubber willpower hfbdh#a deadly match truly#and also I lost my snoopy watch (RIP snoopy watch you will be missed (I can't find it send help Waough)) and that was the only clock I had#in this room so now if I wanna know the time I have to go the living room - which is like a whole dang thing lemme tell you about it#/first I've gotta get up - easiest thing by far - and get to the door - assuming I don't get KO'd by my siblings' belongings on the floor -#get to the door. the door Is broken to some extent. opening it means a loud THDPD noise is sent throughout the entire house lol. and you#have to yank on the thing to get it open - so double effort there - and then you step out into the hallwayish area where you can then enter#the living room - oh so easy! but No! you then have to either turn on the kitchen lights and wake everyone with their door open or sleeping#in the living room for whatever reason Orrr you have to clamber over chairs pots perhaps a cat if you've got real bad luck that night to ge#up nice n personal to the clock so you can read the dang thing and see it's 11:23. which is like nothing so you stay up Anyway and do not#check the clock again because not only was that a hassle but also you released every creature that was in the room with you (that's a lot o#noise). but Yea the clock situation is ongoing hfbsh#'why don't you get a clock' that would be much too easy loll :) (last one disappeared and we keep forgetting lol) //ran out of tag space so
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i love ken so much im getting sniffly and teary-eyed i think i need to cool it with the love notes for like 15 minutes or something kfhfkdgh
#i look at him adn my brain is like 'you wanna start fucking crying now' UHGHGHH#i miss him i love him i want him to love me back i dont think im worthy but i WANT to BE#and i USED to be able to self ship so wholeheartedly but that was robbed from me BUT IM TRYING TO HEAL AND UGHHH#YOU KNOW. UGHHH. UGH AND AGH AND AUGHH AND SO ON AND SO FORTH#im gonna draw him hugging me so tight rn i need it so bad#vent#i think also only getting a few hours of sleep and jolting awake from nightmares is affecting me negatively#man this happens every single time im like 'IM SO IN LOVE WITH KEN' i suddenly get hit with 'oh but he'd find me an afterthought'#like he could love anybody but Not Me because he is Everything and I am Just Keri. haha. y'know :')#i miss the old me i didnt used to second-guess anything with my F/Os but thats like. all. i know how to do now#ANYWAY. WHATEVER. ANYWAY. IM DRAWING HIM HUGGING ME ITS FINE ITS FINE ITS FINE
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i can't sleep :c
#and i think it's because i kinda have a lot on my plate rn#and lately i've gotten back into journaling- which is something im really proud of- cuz you know when i was with my ex i could never have my#own privacy so i had to give up journaling- which is something i had been doing nonstop since i was five and i could barely write#grammatically correct sentences- and im happy that im eventually journaling again- i really am- but this means that i do not know how to#handle my feelings unless i write- and today i was too depressed to write#cuz stuff happened at work as it usually does and im almost on my period and my PMS is killing me#then this man decided to tell me im incapable of loving and i will never find someone to love me back and that im a bad person and that im#uncaring and this hurt so much although i knew he was teasing- it still hurt!#then this other guy said im unreliable cuz i didn't show up for a task that was even optional and i had never 100% agreed on before#and i didn't show up because: depression + pms getting worse + had to figure out some bureaucratic shit that was pivotal and urgent#i talked to the moon this morning#that conversation we had (yeah i believe she replied) was the most meaningful thing of the day#so rn im just focusing on replaying it in my head because it was sweet and it was cathartic and i wanna do that tomorrow again#so im looking forward to it#while stupid voices in my head keep telling me that man is right and i AM a bad person who can't love and cant be loved#while stupid voices in my head tell me people are better off without me#ugh- i really cannot sleep- i have a lot of anxiety#and i hate that the most of it is caused by that stupid man i really hate that man#cinnamon darkness
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Sorry for being scared all the time but I gotta vent please I urge y'all to block the vent tag because I am annoying at dksjskke
#vent#girl my death anxiety is so fucking bad rn#I'm really scared becayse seemingly healthy people are getting heart diseases or xardiac arrest#which is related to covid#and im not the healthiest person#and I've had cases of not being able to breathe properly and shit which idk if it's anxiety or what butjsjsji#im reaoly scared man#i also got an ecg like last year October qnd i was never able to follow it up because i was just super tired at the time#i couldnt sleep 4 days because i couldt breathe properly but i think it might have been anxiety or might be the cause#because it was around the time a friend passed away suddenly#but ye tachycardia and sinus arrhythmia#idkejejnejej#im legit ao anxious rn and i feel like if i bring it up with my mom they'll just tell me im overthinking#i did not go on a doomscrill i just happen to see some post on twitter#man i still really wanna meet my gf#i wanna kiss my gf#i wanna cuddle#im scared
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currently freaking the fuck out cuz I swear I heard something scratching at the walls
#I just wanna fucking sleep man leave me ALONE#possibly something just crashing into my window? It’s happened before in daylight but it’s like ten at night rn#Someone help </3#S.K thinks
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oooooihhgghhhgghhh arctic monkeys the car save me
#🗞️#guys im sosososososooooo sad and scared to go to sleep. and im so fucking tireeeedsdddd#i wisb i was sane and normal and healthy mentally and just functioned properly and could function under any sort of. mildly strong emotion#in other news i really wanna travel so bad. mutual meetup anyone....#not that it would happen i have enough money for train tickets sure but as for a place to stay. well thats a different issue#somebody just hold my hand okay. i really need it soooo bad rn.........#i need to get a therapist man ive been. reliving a trauma from a year ago. or like actually finally processing it after all this time#and myyyyy god does it make me wanna die. and i have noone to talk to about it bc it makes me super fucking uncomfortable#auauagahahaghjhgghhgvh. whatver. goodnight
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I got a new computer.
I've been working a ton on my fics because i'm inspired and excited.
And now my brain won't let me write anymore today despite the deep seated yearning to work on my fic more.
#the guess ill die meme#but its guess ill sleep#because what the hell man#i just wanna write all day if i can#im so jazzed about my works rn
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back in my pissy at some people in my friend group a little bit era!!! ✨✨
i am just gonna, not be online and social until new years i think. (might be online a little. Just want to get away from everything though. Still will be active and spreading info on twt so maybe /maybe/ it’ll get thru some of their heads.)
just, dont want to talk to some of em again. In my evil era. All I see is the worst in people era. Tired era. 🙄 In my wish I was ignorant again but i cant even wish that because of everything era.
#ker talks#broskies is 0230 like#i just wanna sleep#and get thru xmas and then get on a bus and go to my dads and disconnect from my stupid life in this city#more and more it seems appealing to restart my life in another city#and just leave all my friends behind#theres like. 1 i want to keep.#and they wanna move out anyways so LMAO#it sort of sucks the one person who i actually think would be healthy to keep in my life is just about to graduate hs.#I would fucking love to keep my friends in uni but y’all suck.#>://// need to get new friends. how does one do that idk im not very socialblr#literatly my entire friend group rn i made friends with thru my bestie#who im sort of :/ at#but feel a strong sense of loyalty towards to the point i think its detrimental to me#and i have no idea how to make friends outside of mutual friends#id really like a responisble friend group who was out creating thing and i could help with creative projects#really thinking im being held down.#God I just want to sleep man#like just i wsnt to go to my dads rn#i need to talk to him bout all this or like reset while im there
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I straight up don't care. I'm straight up vibing. I'm straight up about to go eepy mode.
#this is about me having a 1k word essay due in in like. 45 minutes. I have wrote one paragraph#It's not marked it's for practice and I will do it but. Idk#I'm not that tired but like. gosh. I haven't got good sleep in eons (Like a week)#I just feel like I cant rn. the urgency is not there#also it's about fucking starlink man I don't wanna do an essay on starlink I hate Elon Musk#All the studies and articles I can find are expressly negative LOL#...which is funny but it makes it harder because I assume we have to find both positives and negatives#wahhhh#android.txt
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ban horror movie ads. i’m being so fucking fr right now. i’m not trying to induce my anxiety at one in the goddamn morning cause the new nun movie is coming out. LEAVE ME ALONEEEEE.
#i’m not even scared of it in the daylight#morning#or whatever#but fuckkk#it gets me every time when it’s late at night#or i’m suffering and have given up tryna sleep#i hate it so much it’s CRAZY#i’m just tryna chill#i don’t wanna see this new#piece of shit#mediocre#mid ass#part number 43 to the conjuring movies#LEAVE ME ALONE#I’M BEING SO SERIOUS RN#horror#i’m so tired man…
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