#but its not fun anymore. and im not saying this in a 'sad that this ruins my fun :(' way im just | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

turtletoria · 2 months

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i feel like an incredible hater for this but i feel as i get older the more my tolerance for shipping decreases. like i went from an avid enjoyer to just tolerating ship art to now getting outright upset and fighting the urge to curse every time i see shipping content (this doesnt apply to my mutuals and friends who ship things because they can do no wrong ever)

#idk why it boils my blood like that. like genuinely it makes my online enjoyment really take a steep nosedive since 99.9% of any fandom-#content is shipping #maybe its the hater in me. maybe its the aroace tendencies in me. maybe im just antisocial and disagreeable. idk!#like shipping isnt morally bad or anything it just makes me so sad. idk #like ppl always prioritize romance over friendship and make fun of friendships as if they arent gay enough or smth and it rlly hurts me. id #like idk how to say it. everyone can have fun and stuff but it rlly makes me feel like im having fun wrong bc shipping looks fun but i cant #stomach it. like i miss having fun like that but i cant stand it anymore #like friendships r so devalued and even in frienship is magic type media friendships STILL take a backseat like whats up with that #like i hope this isnt coming across like a “i hate romance! i hate love!” kind of post but more so a why dont ppl focus on characters if -#they cant be romantically involved?#like i will alwaayyss be bitter abt willow from toh getting sidelined until she could be shipped with hunter like that pissed me off so bad #but like ur fave characters cant stand alone they neeeed to be romantically involved with someone for their love or dedication to be real #like love and dedication cant be genuine unless theyre romantically or sexually attracted? idk man #talking abt this is tricky bc u can fall into anti-sex/conservative rhetoric with this but i hope u can understand what im saying #like sex is great and romantic love is great but i wish the greater public would just have some freedom to explore concepts of dedication-#and trust that go beyond that framework. like there was a comment on reddit that framed aroace as the nonbinary of relationships and I-#thought that was really neat. yeah

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widevibratobitch · 6 days

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something about being told im 'the leading person at this whole academy when it comes to interpretation and stage intelligence' by the husband of the woman im trying (not really. but i mean. who knows) to seduce... ok boy you got me. lets make it a polycule.

#im playing it all cool and funny now but atm i legit burst into tears lol #like he said i have a 'good voice too of course' but i know realistically that is not my strongest asset #and even if i were technically perfect. which im NOT lol. the voice itself is just nothing special. it's there ig but that's about it #but its nice to know i may not be 100% useless after all #(just 90%)#also apparently the most feared and respected professor who came to the concert said. again. that he likes me the most.#which again. crying real actual tears about this all rn this means literally the world to me this is everything i have #and i have no one to share this with because im not gonna say it to my uni friend cause i dont want her to feel like im boasting or sth #(even tho she has no such qualms herself but probably because i know how. not great. it feels when someone keeps talking about themselves #and about how great they are and how easy everything is for them. i dont wanna do it back at her.#well there's also the fact that i dont think im great and this is not fucking easy to me at all lol #but idk i think the difference between us is that she actually admitted she sees no point in singing if she cant show off (thus she hates #the duet we're singing because she sings the lower part and cant show off her high notes or coloratura.#which is like. an insane take to me. i mean it i get it. kinda. if i had a voice like hers maybe id be like that too fuck knows.#but that just feels so. idk. sad to me. so self obsessed and empty. like you dont care about the music itself? about you being a part of it?#also immediately made singing with her not fun anymore. i thought we were creating something TOGETHER. but thanks for the confirmation #that you only really care about being 'better than'. yikes.#like idk this behaviour is funny and iconic in old school opera legends like yes go bite each others dicks off.#but it hits completely different when it's your own colleague let alone your friend. like damn girl. damn)#) anyway. the husband is kinda hot too now that i think of it. i really should seduce them both.#except its realistically not possible since they've both seen me cry now (she saw it like a hundred times lol)#so ive lost the hot and mysterious card alas. no uni professors romance for me

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crunchycrystals · 10 months

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i think sitcoms should bring back theme songs

#crunchyposts #sitcoms #actually i think all shows should bring back longer intros. i like them its fun #it was so nice watching severance and the afterparty on apple tv and getting to sit through like a really nice intro with good animation #i loved those intros i never skipped them (unless my mom. made me lol)#but im sad shows dont get theme songs or long intros anymore #i get why but :((((#like the office and parks and rec opening songs are iconic #same for seinfeld and friends #i mostly say this bc i want pjo to have a long intro song that i can learn to play to satisfy the autism #i get why they dont make them anymore though like people will mostly skip them in a binge watching era #but i liked them. not to mcu post but shout out to wandavision which i loved

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cephalonheadquarters · 1 year

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internet safety is a wonderful thing and so important and i love being safe online soooooo much

#do schools even teach internet safety anymore? i learned it in like elementary school #since i have two younger brothers 10 & 8 they have access to the internet and i guess i get a little bossy but i try to make sure theyre #being safe... if theyre able to talk to people i tell them theyre not old enough to do that yet..! the 10 yr old has a scratch account and #while scratch is fine i dont like that he can comment and read comments no matter how safe the site is #internet safety is so fucking important to me im dead serious #it makes me really sad to see a lot of young kids able to communicate with strangers Even if its safe! Theres always a risk #Like i met someone who was 9 on discord a while ago. ☹️ I told them they shouldnt be on it but i dont think they listened to me anyway #To be honest #Idk what the right age is to have full access to the internet. 13 feels too early but 16 feels too late but idk abt 14 and 15. ig 15..??#Id say it depends on just being a teen and how mature you are but idk #I dont think it really can be helped if you have access to the internet #I just hope kids are aware of the good and the bad and how to navigate the internet!! Because its really scary!#If you say you hate kids i dont trust you. if you make fun of kids (in a mean spirited way basically bullying) i dont trust you.#I would love to be able to help and be friends with kids so that they know better but unfortunately thats not always going to be possible #Its 3 40 am bye #Oh and i fucking hate snapchat and instagram and omegle. Genuine burning hatred for those stupid things fuck them #Even tiktok is better than those. And i dont even like tiktok

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squirmydonnie · 4 months

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Vent:

anyway. I'm the one who did all the research to figure out what I had. I'm the one who did all that.

So I don't think it's fair for anyone to say anything about excuses or anything. And it wouldn't be fair if I didn't do that either.

I told my mom and then I got diagnosed.

And sure I don't know what the process was. But seemed like 2 days for me.

After a week or 2 I went to wherever i went. She talked to me.

I got diagnosed.

I came back for 2 days and that was it.

I was happy with my diagnosis. I didn't hate it. I was lucky to not hate it. To not have any kind of bad experience with it.

But you seem to think I use it as crutch.

I was happy. I wanted this. So I could be sure that I wasn't making my problems up. They were all real.

My dad would just put the squishy in front of me after that. I couldn't move though. I get very locked up during certain conversations and moments. Its very hard for me to move or talk. It felt like he just wanted me to get it over with and use the squishy. But I couldn't. And I can't. I just can use them that way. Its not something that really helps me in the moment.

It doesn't have to be a squishy. I can't use stress toys that way.

Especially squishy's and fidget spinner.

Fidget spinners never really helped me at all. And squishy don't do anything. They just look nice.

#cheeseburgerboy #i was 12 years old. im the one who did all the work. right?#its not a bug deal i guess. but i feels weird.#he has a more negative opinion on them. even though it doesn't seem like a strong one. it still bothers me.#why can't i have fun hyperfixations anymore. these kinds suck. they make me sad.#why would i get these annoying ones.#bug deal.#why does it say that

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ironmanstan · 7 months

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feel like ten doctor who rn

#interpret as u will #im losing my MARBLES its fine #i have finally given up on twitter i cant post in my silly circles anymore im so sad but anyway #cannot bring myself to hate my graphic design prof or my class bc i understand the purpose and if i understand something #then like #and if its logical and makes sense and i agree #then like i cant get mad #makes me so insane but whatever #im the guy getting bad grades but helping my classmates not fail in her class #and then everyone doing better than me in everything else #m so normal im so sane i need to stop shooting myself in the foot #ptsd killing me tho #your brain will feel like it is on fire and everyone makes you angry bc u feel like everyone is out to get you #AND u are in a constant state of underlying fear and paranoia. have fun #the meds are working tho i am staying saner than i was a few months ago. gbless #i just have to get through next week <- i say this every god damn week #the gamer speaks uwu

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gonfrees · 1 year

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seems like we are at the crying part of the illness.

#we can postpone cjristmas #gonna talk in da tags for a bit because a post full of perosmal info feels so gross #ive been crying on and off for hours. km so upset being atuck in my fucking room with covid while nobody else is sick at all #and im glad nonody is sick im just so fucking lonely #started symptoms on friday #twsted neg fri and sat. didnt test sundah cause i dont have a lot. tested monday and was psorive #literally slept with my bf all of those nights #shared weed pen on sunday with ofher roommate #nobody else is sick #i just feel so sad and tired. im used to himan or cat affection daily and ive had none. i feel so lonley and trapped #i did everythjng right to avoid being sick and my bf was also with me that whole day and he didnt get sick #i feel stupid weak and pathetic for gettinf sixk. i dont have symptoms anymore but atill positive #im so fucking sad and i can hear people hanging out and they are havjng fun and im glad but im jealous #im so sad and lonely. i want to wrap things for christmas and do more stockjng sruffer shopping. i want to watch movjes with people #i love holidays because i love to hang out with my friends and i fucking cant amd today especially its really tearing me up #my bf is upset that im no communicating and hes trying to cheer me up but everything is making me misribke and i dont know how to stop it #i like to do things for people when theyre sick and i know everyone isnt like me but it hurts to not have that done for me #offering to order food is nice bjt j want skmething made for me but nkbody is as good as i am at making things and i dont want to ask #i dont want to bother people but im literally breakkng down today. cant atop fucjing crying and i feel weak and pathetic. stupid #i tried so hard not to get sick and they are saying o dont want to fucking do that #id rather everyone open stockjngs and do presents without me because im tired of not saying what i got people i want tk show people #i like wrapping gifts and nobody wants me to toich anything because of cocid so others are wrapping things from me for me #i dont know its all very stupid but i feel very alone but also dont want people joking at me to make me feel better. im just mad and sad #ok im done now:) ill post a drawing later #nap time #text

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dashiellqvverty · 2 years

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idk man its harder to be like “haha petekey fun” these days knowing that the actual relationship pete was in at the time was with a fucking teenager

#like the thing is that i do still listen to fall out boy and every day i feel less comfortable about it and like #its something im working through and have been for a while #and i DID want to believe it wasnt true but like. it is.#and like i used to be deep into petekey and stuff i've read livejournal primers and shit i used to eat that up #and its not like i dont still think lyrics are probably about that or that something happened or whatever #its just that when i think about that its a Fun thought like going omgggg this lyric is about the summer of like #is something to do for fun #but its not fun anymore. and im not saying this in a 'sad that this ruins my fun :(' way im just #struggling to articulate it.#i am just sooo sick of seeing positive pete posts and petekey stuff on my dash and its been a lot today #and its like. people dont know or they think its not true and that was me. so im not like mad that people post about him #like im mad that its not more common knowledge but not PERSONALLY angry #and i guess im not helping by being someone who actively listens to fob still but i just #the least we can do is not suck his dick so much and talk about his cutesy fun little gay obsession #when he was. abusing a teenager at the time.#personal

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arcadequeerz · 2 years

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#||Dnt Reb/og plz||#Cade.vnt #there is a lot of shit i have to do but u'm just tired #i am tired of existing and taking up space anymore. im tired of being real. i kinda just wanna not exist anymore #keep being told to hold on and it'll get better and i'm just tired of waiting and hoping when things just keep getting worse and worse #tired of jumping through hoops in hope people will help me only for them to act like i dont even exist. im tired of trying.#anyways wah wah im sad and tired and reaching my limit but i've been like this countless times n its stopped mattering #i wanna say im sorry to my friends because im never fun to be around anymore or talk to or anything aymore. i just sleep n thats it.#also sorry for venting all the time.

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fortunatefool · 19 days

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Not to date myself but sometimes in the middle of a crisis u get to hear Pursuit of Happiness (Nightmare) by Kid Cudi featuring MGMT and Ratatat, Steve Aoki Remix and feel joy for the first time in a week and a half

#my stuff #its the little things ig #idc if the lyrics are depressing it makes me wild out and i love it #my ex robbed me and i kicked him back to his apt 1.5 weeks ago #and apparently he didnt know we broke up (i didnt block him i had his cat and still have his stuff)#so i think im giving him a lot of fucking grace for stealing a paycheck 2 weeks worth of work for his drug habits when im going hungry rn #i sent him this long heartfelt text using my therapy communication skills to clearly outline that we are not dating anymore #and he just doesnt accept??? he keeps saying we have to work thru this and the drugs did it not him blah blah blah #like dude ive seen my own mother suck dick on the living room couch so she could buy another 8 ball and not give me lunch 😑#tf makes u think im gonna put up with that shit now????? dumbass #i keep waking up sad and weepy still but i just tell everyone i know abt what he did and they tell me im better than that and i feel better #i told 1 patient at work shes my fave. little old korean lady. she brings us a bag of fruits every week and is so fun to talk to #when she ices afterwards she asks for extra time and we chat a lot about our lives. she was so sad for me and kept telling me #that im so pretty and so nice and men will take advantage babygirl im so sorry that happened to you!!! 😭 i told her im fine now #and told her how im seeing my family more again and doing whatever i feel like whenever i want and looking towards my future and she relaxed #but that ones going to stick in my head the most. if i took him back id be letting her down. i almost cracked today like a spineless coward #but hearing her seem so hurt for me and say that i didnt deserve it felt so genuine. ill miss her #i took my last dab today guys no more until i ged paid 2 more times but as you can see by the tags getting away from me #it was a good fucking dab lol

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bloodmoonlich · 1 month

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#negativity tw #personal #i feel really ungrateful saying this #but the fact that chappell has neither announced summer themes nor said we wont have themes #has sapped some of my excitement for the show #the themes is an added bonus bc its such a fun idea #but now we're at a point where i almost definitely wont have time to find an on theme outfit #esp bc i own very little going out clothes #i dont buy fast fashion new anymore which means i have to have at least a weekend or two to be able to thrift something #and i feel so sad at the thought of having a theme but not being able to join in on it #im so busy after this weekend :/#and i was at the thrift store last weekend and found a mkik style top + mermaidy skirt but couldn't justify buying them when idk if I'd even #use them #ugh idk #im sure ill love the show regardless but i cant help feeling disappointed rn

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dxsertrot · 4 months

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The good thing about pain is that it always dulls over time but the shitty thing about it is you can still always feel it peering back at you in the moments you finally feel peace

#i try to tell myself its not goung to get to me anymore the way it used to #and i feel closer to that than i ever did before #i have ensured that im surrounded by friends and people who love me or enjoy my company #my best friend is moving jn with me this month for a few months #and im going to have fun and feel the need to have you around become less and less #but i cant pretend that part of the reason i randomly burst into tears yesterday wasnt because of you #and i cant deny the panes of sadness that hit me at random times #but i can do this #fuck it i am doing it already #but it hurts and it sucks and i dread what comes next #i dread hearing that youve found somebody and the awful question of “what do you want to do?”#because i cant say what i want to do. it isnt feasible and it isnt right #i just have to say what i need to do. what the right thing is #at least i can say that after months of this shit that my self worth isnt tied to you anymore #that i understand what i have to offer is significant and valuable and desirable and i need to invest those attributes into someone who #wants it #i just reallg wanted that to be you but its not and thats ok #my feelings for you have been waning ever since our convo a month ago #but that doesnt mean theres no residuals #that doesn't mean im going to be able to accept and watching you with someone else #even as a friend it sucks to see my significance to you dwindle #but its fine its okay. i have other people to invest my time and energy into #and someday i will find someone who feels for me the way i have felt for you

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be-good-to-bugs · 7 months

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why havent i been talking to the much much cooler and better older sister who is a furry and super nice and fun to talk to and cares about my opinions and feelings instead of the one who cant respect boundaries and makes me feel like a mistake and doesnt care abt how i feel

#the bin #shes also the only normal person in my family #and when i say normal i mean it in a treats other people with respect way not in a societally normal way #cause she the least 'normal' of my family in that way. which is a good thing. be a freak. autism makes u cooler by default #idk. she sthe only person who i feel like actually cares about me and my opinion and wants to hear what i have to say and views me right #i wish we talked more when i was younger. shes so nice. i hope when i move we can houngout together more and maybe watch some movies #and talk abt stuff or smth. we r probably gonna play some games together soon which is nice #i miss her. i think i can also talk to her abt how our other sister kinda sucks. i know she views her pretty highly or at least used to but #i still think i can. i dont think itll make her uncomfortable.#ive been looking over the past years with my other sister and they havent really been any good mostly #ive just been so isolated and sad that it was better than nothing but its past that point now #if id had other people to talk to then i wouodnt have soent so much time with someone making me feel worse #i also think shes just made me a worse person overall. more judgemental. the past year ive become very against that trying hard to not #and she gets very upset with me when im like hey. yknow. id rather assume the best of random strangers not doing anything that bad #i dont wanna assume everyone is an inconsiderate asshole because they arent. life circumstances we dont know about could be #the reason for this honestly pretty mild inconvenience. if u wanna think otherwise then thats fine but dont day it around me #idk. im tired of it. im still super sad but ive become a much more bright and hopeful person because im trying to be #it actually sucks to view the whole world as horrible and everyone around you ass horrible #idk. maybe i can get my other sister to do the fun stuff with me i dont like doing alone #cause it makes me unbelievably sad to realize i dont have anyone to ask anymore at all. period. but maybe it doesnt have to be that way

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sotogalmo · 7 months

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5:(?) — 6:04

It's turning dark. "No children" is playing. I feel a pit in my stomach or maybe something around there. I dunno why.

#time diary(?)#audrey/kellie's time diary #thinking of that one time some kid said he'll rape me just cuz i won a blooket game in math class ..... i know hes not honestly #but i think thats why im not feeling good ..??? .... i dunno ....... people scare me sometimes ....... and im not sure why but whenever im #in this house i think i cry here more ........ maybe that's because its like. in the middle of nowhere practically no one would ve here ....#i dont want to be scared .... maybe i should've brought my plushies here ......... i .... ...... i actually dont know why im crying #i want to stop the tears. and i mean. i can‼️ but ..... i dunno anymore .......... i want to stop feeling like a scared kid ......#ig this was a vent. i should make a poem of it ...... i don't roman to be disturbed.... i dont want him to know that im sad #.....i know animals feel our emotions. roxy ...... i miss her ..... i miss her ...... i miss her so much.... i wish she didn't had to die...#i miss everywhere .... i want mama back even if every time we talk it always ends up in a one sided fight ..... or mostly a debate #i want her with me.... i just want to stop crying.... i font want ppl to walk in on me crying my eyes out just because i had a feeling #of a pit in my stomach and then just randomly started to cry out of basically no reason but fear ..... i dont like feeling fear...#i want roxy back... i want to stop being scared ... i dont even need to cry. makes me feel small. like a toddler. i dont like it....#kinda funny too ... the shirt im wearing is mainly black n white with some greys. maybe i shouldve kept my cc cosplay for #days like these .... whenever i start crying like a kid and feelin like a toddler not wanting to be here at all but feeling to scared to die #or even too scared to live. feeling like everywhere is out to get me and scare me. just to scare me for fun... thats what that kid did #at first i didn't react at all... i mean. no one heard him at all. no one heard him say he was gonna rape me. because like. how??#he doesn't know where i live and he sucks balls.... and i just didn't believe him. but now he makes me scared. i hate it. i hate it. i hate #it. i hate it so much. i think it makes me remember those times where someone scared me. like. jumpscared me from behind #its nice yes. but now i just. i just think that he likes scaring me for him(different person. Jason would never say shit to me. he #just jumpscares me. thats all). how many days are until Thanksgiving.....?? .....im not sure why but im thinking its 5....#i can just hear a voice in my head say it's 5 days until thanksgiving..... but.... maybe not?? maybe its 6 days.. yeah #i think its 6 days until thanksgiving.... cant wait to eat some food on thanksgiving........ but i think i already lost my appetite...#vent #rape mention #oh yeah ....also. he did say i was autistic. hes right. but then he said he was gonna rape me ... i dont like him .i hate school #i just eant to go back to elementary. and play with toys and maybe play with my family but i dont they wanna play with me......#i think i can make it thru the day tho. ...since well..tommorrows another day and i can get thru this day like anyother day #i just ... dunno ..... maybe i should sleep .......#but then again whwtif i have noghtmares?? like. actusly nightmares?? i dont wana jave them ... but being awake is to scary

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rafeandonlyrafe · 21 days

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comparisons

words: 1.5k

warnings: 18+ only, smut, p in v sex, unprotected sex, female receiving oral, insecurities, semi public sex, partying, drinking but not by reader, good girl!reader

“are you seriously looking at her profile again?” your sister questions, snatching your laptop from you.

“give it back!” you squeal, standing up and attempting to grab it, but she has the height advantage on you.

“seriously, this is getting out of hand.” she sets the laptop back down on your desk, navigating to the block button. “and don't unblock her. it's unhealthy for you to care so much about your boyfriend's ex.”

“she's just so pretty.” you groan. “like how can he go from her to me?”

“you're gorgeous, y/n!” you sister sighs. “you love him. i know you do. just enjoy being together and don't let your insecurities ruin what you have.”

--

you don't mention it to rafe, no matter how anxious you feel.

“what is it?” rafe questions, hand rubbing over your cheek. “you look sad.”

“no, no.” you shake your head aggressively, forcing a smile onto your face. “im fine, promise. just lost in thought.”

in truth, you saw rafes ex at the party. it's why you retreated to the patio with rafe, glad to have some distance.

“hm…” rafe mumbles, looking over you. “you sure? if you're not feeling the party, we can leave.”

you smile at rafe. you weren't sure what you were getting into when you started dating him. you hung out in the opposite crews at school, rafe was popular and easy going, captain of the football team. you never attended the same parties as him during those years, it wasn't until after school where you graduated valedictorian that you got close to him.

“you love to party, babe. i can handle it.” you love it too, usually.

“yeah, but there's a lot of drinking going on. if you're uncomfortable-”

“no.” you shake your head. you aren't a fan of getting drunk yourself, but you don't mind being around people if all they're doing is dancing and having fun.

“then what is it? you can't fool me darling.”

“i just… saw your ex at the party.” you frown. “i can't help but compare myself to her and… it makes me feel insecure, but im trying not to. i want to get better, seriously.”

“aw, baby.” rafe pulls you onto his lap, tired of any distance between the two of you. “you have nothing to worry about. i only have eyes for you.”

“i know, im being silly.” you sigh, wiping at your under eyes before your tears build up.

“you're the most beautiful girl ive ever seen. i even thought that in high school.” rafe laughs. “but you were so good, so focused on school, i didn't want to become a distraction by trying to get you out on a date.”

“oh my god!” you squeal. “how come you never told me that before?”

rafe just shrugs, a soft smile on his face. “if i knew you felt that way, i would have. i promise, you've got nothing to worry about. im yours.”

you press your lips against rafes, kissing him deeply, right there on the outdoor sofa for everyone to see.

“i need you baby.” rafe groans, hands squeezing at your sides.

“yeah.” you nod. “yeah, need you too.”

“want to go home or… or can i find a room upstairs? kelce won't mind.”

“upstairs.” you stand up, rafe quickly following.

“good.” he smiles down at you, arm wrapped around your waist as he leads you back inside, into the crowd of people.

“rafey!” a voice squeals, making you frown. he doesn't let anyone call him rafey except for you.

“hayley.” rafe sighs, sounding nowhere near as enthusiastic, wanting to get you upstairs as soon as possible. “what do you want?*

“just to say hi.” she twirls a piece of hair around her finger, eyes darting to look at the way his arm is wrapped securely around your body. “how's my rafey?”

“not your rafey. its just rafe to you.” he grunts out.

“oh, you're so silly.” she lets out a shrill laugh, reaching forward to press her hand against his bicep.

“hey, in case you haven't noticed-” you speak up. “rafe isn't with you anymore. so stop calling him rafey and stop touching my man.”

hayley pouts and looks at rafe, giving him an opportunity to defend her, but he just smiles down at you.

“believe me now?” rafe pulls you away towards the stairs, leaving hayley to huff and head for another drink.

“ill believe you when you fuck me.” you smile, shutting the bedroom door behind you and making sure to lock it.

“get naked then, babe.”

you both are quick to strip before coming back together in a mess of tongue and lips as rafe dominates your mouth, leaving no room at all for doubt.

“god, feel how hard i am for you.” rafe takes your hand in his, guiding it to his cock.

you stroke up and down his length, the weight heavy and familiar against your palm. “all this for me?”

“you know it, baby.” he laughs dryly, cut off with a moan as you swipe the pad of your thumb over the head of his cock.

“but first…” rafe takes your hand away, and your eyes widen as he sinks down to his knees. “i have to taste you.”

“oh!” you squeal as rafes hands grip your hips, his mouth burying between your thighs.

“fuck!” you moan out, grabbing onto the large poster bed, sinking your fingernails into the wood as his tongue swipes through your folds.

“god, you're so yummy.” rafe moans, his words vibrating your pussy. he tilts his head up, eyes locking on yours as his lips wrap around your clit.

“rafe!” you scream out, not caring if anyone hears, hoping hayley is nearby enough to hear your moans of pleasure as he focuses on sucking at your clit.

“god, i would make you cum like this over and over, but i need to get inside of you.” rafe stands up, capturing your mouth again.

“wanna ride you.” you tell him. you've slept with rafe many times since the start of your relationship, but he's always been the one on top and in control.

“really?” rafe grins at you, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth.

“yeah.” you nod. “im feeling- im feeling confident.”

“that's just what i like to hear, darling.” rafe presses a kiss to your lips before laying himself down on the bed, head propped up against the pillows so he can watch you.

you climb over top of him, the only light in the room from the moonlight streaming in the window as you align him with your cunt, sinking down with a moan.

“fuck, baby.” rafe grips your hips, not ready yet to fully give up control as you begin to move up and down with his assistance.

“god, so big.” you gasp out.

“mhm, and all for you, my girl.” rafe helps you speed up, not used to being in this position.

your joint moans fill the room as you ride him, grinding your hips back and forth with every movement until you find the spot inside of yourself that has you screaming out.

“ah, fuck, right there?” rafe begins to lift his hips into you, planting his feet into the bed to get the maximum lift possible as he thrusts upwards, angling his cock to push against just where you like it.

you fall forward, pressing your chest against rafes as he holds your hips still, pounding up into you.

“oh my god!” you squeal out, hands gripping onto rafes biceps as they flex and bulge as he lifts you up and down.

“gonna cum baby, can't last.” rafe presses his face into your hair, inhaling your scent. “you feel too good.”

“yeah, inside me.” you nod, own high not far away.

“fuck.” rafes moans grow as his cock swells inside of you, releasing only moments later.

the feeling of him flooding your insides sends you overboard, your orgasm causing your entire body to shake as your cunt squeezes down on rafes cock, milking the rest of his cum, not wanting to leave a drop.

“fuck.” rafes hands squeeze your hips again. “you're so perfect.”

you smile up at him, feeling tired from the sudden act. “take me home?”

“yeah.” rafe let's out a yawn. “in a minute.”

“mmkay.” you hum, resting your cheek against his chest. “don't fall asleep on me, rafey.”

you have to poke rafe awake a minute later. you both get dressed to get out to your car, the party still raging as you walk hand in hand.

“oh, there you are!” hayley stops in front of you, but you've had enough of her.

“sorry, no time to chit chat.” you plaster on a fake enthusiastic smile. “his cum is dripping out of me right now, so we gotta get home and take care of that. enjoy the party though!”

you pull rafe outside as he cackles. “damn, baby.” his arm wraps around your shoulders. “you are so hot when you're jealous.”

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dexaroth · 1 year

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it's kind of a fun move to make my very very personal blog also the one I post my drawings on

ive purposefully done it to not create that kind of environment where it's just an account posting art, a one-dimensional abstract thing that's so detached that if I were to post something like 'teehee I tried to off myself so I'm opening comms to pay the bills' it'd be met with utmost surprise bc it'd break the illusion yknow?

but sometimes I do want some drawings to not have context. to be as impersonal as a vintage figure whose sculptor has never been fully known or a golden locket with the picture of someone who you don't know anything about

I want both, to be honest. it's always been a struggle of the need of external validation but also to not want to taint everything with myself

I want to draw a pet portrait for someone and not have it be judged with all the ramblings and half-jokes about how everything sucks every now and then.

I want to draw a guy being mechanically separated for no reason and not have it show up besides someone's pet portrait and having to explain to the average person I don't even know why I like gore so much besides rendering it is fun

it's all like a cycle of making it clear who is behind the art for context but also sometimes wanting everything to speak for itself and wanting a sort of pure reaction to it

and it culminates into that overly familiar feeling.. of wanting to be consistent. to have a feel, a look that you can maybe hope someone will identify as yours.. and the question is always the same - for what? why? why does it matter?

if anything the first thing I'd ever say to someone who remotely showed interest in art and wanted to know my side of it is that nothing matters and everything is subjective and that there will always be people who see too much meaning where there isn't and people who miss the point entirely. and that diversity is just as good as quality and not a binary switch that you have to pick for the rest of your life. and that often by trying to achieve perfection you just end up dumping what gave your art a personal touch because it wasn't absolutely on par with the version of you that you so desperately want people to identify you with or the vibe you want to give off or whatever else

it's kind of a problem that also has different connotations depending on the way wherever you post works, too

on devart and I think insta too favorites and likes are the easiest way to show a kind of support that happens to streamline everything into images on a page instead of actually taking in most detail, the title or description or lack thereof, maybe even a message or line or music lyric intended to aid in the perception.. that ends up getting completely ignored because it takes extra effort to do. and it gets exponentially worse the more people you follow

then, well.. tumblr. because of the way the posts are organized and at least show captions it has a bit of a leg up, but then the sideblog stuff comes up. posts 95% of the time only give traction to the account that posted it, so a sideblog where you reblog your art is pretty much just a gallery for the convenience of whoever follows them. if you post on that sideblog however, then that facilitates no one visiting your main and just looking at the drawings, leading to the art-artist detachment as it is also plenty of extra steps and effort

then, independently, the path you choose is hard to undo. choose to be unknown and be bound to the façade you have to keep and not break your persona, or put all bits of yourself out to the public and there will forever be an image/ background version of you that will contextualize everything you do

try to turn around and choose to hide and it will put people off and affect how some will look at your new stuff now that you're less of a social butterfly because of the instinct of curiosity and wanting to know what happened , choose to show yourself and now you're too real and people don't want to associate with you because of the things you express or how it hits different knowing x and y or just not caring about you enough to be bothered to keep up with your life with sporadic drawings inbetween

it's all ironically about your own self-image and knowing others who know you

oh and it just hit me the financial side of things too. but that's too much for me rn and it's sort of a bonus to my point anyways

idk man. I feel like I'm having a stroke while an influencer tries to explain branding to me

#the public vs hidden thing is also like trying to balance the evils #do you want to enable being made fun of by quirky neurotypicals and edgelords bc of ur 'archetype'#or do you want to enable everyone to put any meaning to your art including dogshit ones and treat it like a commodity #public enough to have your name or style used pejoratively to describe other people #or hidden enough to blend in and represent nothing and say nothing. just like a blank piece of paper #these two sort of types are everywhere and there just doesnt seem to be a grey area. its just.... awkward.#ah yes look at my painting and tell me what you think of it! dont take me into consideration at all though. pretend this came out of thin>#>air bc thats how i want it to be perceived. bc of course we all know thats a thing that can be controlled by sheer will right? lol #i want to draw whatever. i want to stop giving a shit. not care of what people think its all about. but i want to be seen as well. ..#and its frustrating bc i find it immeasurably valuable to find meaning in the mundane #to find the whimsy and care on someone's 'bad' stickman cat doodle even tough sketches dont mean barely anything to the artist #and then i get sad when someone below my skill level finds My sketches good despite me posting them as a 'look at how bad this looks lol'#just. being desperate for wanting everything to go your way #like a filmmaker who swears the theater is an integral part of their movie when in reality a guy watching at home cherishes it just as much #i think id turn inside out of disgust if i ever truly legitimally considered all the 'wrong' ways people can experience my art #compressed to hell or they just didnt bother to zoom in and didnt notice the brushstrokes and effects #which is totally normal and common and i myself do it! but my ego says nuh uh. go feel bad bc other ppl have agency lol #i can definitely pretend i dont care anymore and even try to believe it so much i unconsciously start assimilating it #but the Moment someone comments something that contradicts what i thought and wished was happening i just. break .#im truly trying to stave off negative thoughts and teaching myself that what others think of me doesnt define me #and one day im overhearing something i wasnt meant to know and its that someone thinks im a child #and ends up treating me like one. like im too stupid to do anything #and then i look back at my eyestrain/cartoonish stuff thats in fact considered childish by people who try to use age as>#a token of 'i dont enjoy X because X is for kids because/therefore im an AdulT! respect me!'#and i just have to face the reality that thats the image of me my art gives off by itself and what society chose it to symbolize as well #which it all leads to wanting so deeply a way to control how others view you because of how age gate-keeping for example is so stupid #and it bleeds into every other feeling and paranoia and self doubt #either you act cool and lie about who you are or let others label you what they see fit especially what they consider to be deserving of>#>ridicule #dextxt

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