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letters-from-alex · 4 years

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August 12, 2020

Dear friend,

I’m sorry I haven’t written to you in a long time. I’ve gotten your letter in the mail, but I haven’t had a chance to actually open it. Forgive me, I promise I’ve been very busy with life. Who knew it would get this way, am I right?

There’s been so much going on that I don’t know where to start. Right now, I just feel like my world is collapsing on itself. I wasn’t entirely affected by the pandemic, you see. I still have my two jobs. I still go to run. I still go to the gym and lift weights. I still go out to eat-- not as much as I used to, but once in a blue moon I will sit down at a restaurant that used to be filled with people talking, laughing, smiling, and unafraid of the world that we used to know.

It’s quite depressing when you actually stop to think about it, but I try not to think about it too much or for too long because I just know I will break down. You know how much of an overthinker I am. Can you imagine how I am now?

I’ve just been so unhappy lately. I guess it’s because, and you might have guessed it by now, it’s his birthday this month. You know how I get once it turns August, but this year, it doesn’t seem to be hitting me as hard as previous years. To you, that may sound like it’s a good thing, but maybe in the back of my mind, I don’t want it to be that way. I want something to hold on to and I feel like everything that we were is fading. I hate to admit it, but I still miss him even when I don’t want to.

To make things worse, there was an accident with my dog Raeven last week. I was just about to leave to New Braunfels to meet up with my friends from the gym at the river. As I was packing my stuff into my car, I heard a dog whimper and I immediately turned over to my dad’s moving vehicle to see Raeven crawling underneath it. My heart felt like there was hundred pound plates attached to it and I couldn’t breathe.

I yelled at my dad to stop moving, but he didn’t understand. I yelled at him again, “Stop! Stop moving!” I dropped down to my knees in front of the car and said softly, “Come here, Raeven. Please come here.”

By this time, my mom stormed outside from hearing all the commotion. “What’s wrong? What happened? Dear God, no, no no.”

Raeven crawled towards me and was shaking. I felt dreadful, empty, terrified, and heavy all at the same time. My mind was racing at the most horrible things and I was so scared I was going to lose her.

She sat in front of me as I examined her for internal bleeding or any broken bones. Given the fact that I didn’t see exactly what happened or how it started, I panicked. She was trembling with fear. I started to weep as my mom kept asking me, “What happened? What happened? Is she okay? Is she bleeding? Oh my God, she’s bleeding.”

I looked underneath her stomach to find her whole lower abdomen scraped from the concrete beneath her. I examined her more to find a gash on her back foot. My heart felt like it tore apart. I couldn’t stop crying. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. She came to me at the worst time of my life and made me feel unconditional love again. I don’t know how I could live without her. She is still too young, I thought. I was already missing her greeting me at the door every time I got home from a long day at two jobs and the gym. I couldn’t. I couldn’t lose her.

She began to wheeze and hyperventilate. My mother gasped and cried, “Maybe we should take her to the vet.” I panicked more, ran for my shoes and got a towel as my dad called a few emergency pet hospitals.

A few minutes passed. Raeven started breathing right and I began to calm down. I reviewed her wounds and saw no signs of internal bleeding. Then, I realized she’s been walking the entire time-- she even crawled from out of the car to me when I called out her name.

“Mom. I don’t think she’s bleeding internally. I just think all this is scraped wounds from the concrete and she’s walking just fine. I don’t know how it happened, but I think she’s more okay than we think.

After a long hour of making sure she was okay and crying on her at the thought of losing her, I finished what I started.

“Go for your trip,” my mom said. “She will be okay. I promise. Go have fun.”

I believed her. There’s just something about a Mother’s instinct that just eliminates all your doubts and worries when they say, “It’s going to be okay.”

So, I left and four hours later I was with my friends getting ready to go to the river and get drunk and get a tan. That’s where I also met this boy that I have been talking to for the past month.

I won’t tell you his name, but we did meet online. I know what you’re wondering. “Where is he from though?” I know, I know. Funny enough, he’s from here. Yeah. I actually found someone that I like who likes me back in the valley. Crazy, right?

Anyway, he likes me so much that he was willing to travel three hours from Corpus after work just to meet me and five other strangers in a condo in New Braunfels. Now, if that’s not a leap of faith, then I don’t know what is.

To say the least, I had an amazing time there with or without him there, but he made it even better. I finally had someone to be with, someone to smile with, someone to flirt with, and someone to show love to, but most of all, someone to make me forget about “him.”

The best part about the trip was being drunk by 2:00pm, floating down the river with the sun out and tanning my body as we listen to music with the people I love. In that moment, I couldn’t ask for anything more... except more time.

When the weekend was over and short-lived, I got sad again at the reality of having an injured dog at home. I wondered how she was doing, so I texted my mom, “How’s Raeven doing?”

She responded. “She’s not doing so well. We took her to the vet to make sure everything was okay and she is internally, but she seems to be in a lot of pain. She couldn’t stop crying last night. I felt so bad for her, so we brought her here. The doctor said she has no broken bones and no internal bleeding. That’s good, but I’m worried she’s just going through too much trauma. She’s been in your bedroom all day and hasn’t moved.”

Reading that broke my heart all over again. I remember my mom saying to me one day: “That’s the thing about dogs. They can bring you so much joy, but they can also bring you so much pain.”

High risk. High return. I thought.

I packed all my things and said goodbye to all my friends and of course, I said bye to the boy I have been talking to last. I wanted to invite him out to eat with me in San Antonio, but he said he was going to have brunch with his aunt. We kissed goodbye and we took off together.

Thirty minutes in from driving, he calls me to let me know that he isn’t going to meet with his aunt anymore. Apparently she forgot about him and their little date. He asked if I wanted to go eat somewhere because I had mentioned it before. I said yes and we started driving to the restaurant.

Five Points Local is where we went. I have to take you there someday. Their entire menu is delicious and everything is Gluten Free. They have vegetarian and vegan options too, but I know how much you like chicken and waffles and I must say, they’re to die for there.

He had never been either. I owe it to my old friends for taking me there though. That weekend, they went twice because they liked it so much. I only went once though because I was so fucking drunk, I couldn’t go anywhere the next morning. I just remember them bringing me back pancakes and they were the best pancakes I ever ate.

Funny enough, that was his first meal too. He got pancakes with toast and eggs and I got a granola bowl with bacon and their overpriced orange juice (but super worth it especially if it’s a mimosa).

I enjoyed the moment while I could. I still felt like I was living a dream or rather a fantasy, and when I wake or return to reality, all this will just become a memory. How sad.

We ate our brunch and talked a bit. Then he walked me to my car, we kissed, and parted ways. I felt my heart get heavy as soon as I sat in my car. One, because I didn’t want to leave his side and two, I knew what was waiting for me when I got home.

Three more hours of driving was left and I hate to admit that at least half of that was spent crying. Crying because I was sad about Raeven, but also crying because I can’t believe how lucky I am to still have her in my life. It could’ve been so much worse. I could’ve come home to another dog buried in the backyard. I could’ve never left my house and spent the weekend mourning my best friend because I had to put her down instead. I could be living a life right now where I hate and despise my father so much regardless if it was a mistake or not.

But I’m not living that life. As I write this letter to you, I am so grateful to know that she’s more than okay. I’m happy that she’s still breathing. Yeah, she’s still scared and probably going through some really bad post-trauma, but I know she will be all right sooner or later. She is resilient and beautiful and strong and brave. She has to get through all this. I just love her too much to lose her this soon.

Please forgive me for all this. I know it’s a bit much, but you of all people understand me the most. You know how I can get sometimes when I’m really sad. I just needed someone to listen and I knew you would. So, thank you. I really hope you and your family are doing well and please stay safe out there in this crazy world we’re living in. I’m hopeful that things will get better. They have to get better.

Much love, Alex

#spilled ink #spilled thoughts #i love you #i miss you #anxiety #depression #my writing #writers on tumblr #poets on tumblr #excerpt from a story i'll never write #didn't edit this

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franniexfabs · 4 years

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First Meet || Frannie&Gabe

who? @xjoiexgabriel and @franniexfabs what? Gabe and Frannie meeting up for the first time since she’s returned and Frannie getting to see Myles. where? Gymboree when? Saturday afternoon

Frannie

Frannie shakily turned off her car as she pulled into the parking lot of the gymboree. Getting out of the car, she grabbed her purse and headed inside. She could feel eyes on her, probably because she had just walked into a baby gym without a baby. That had to look rather suspicious. Or maybe no one was looking at her at all and she was just being paranoid... Her brain was working in overdrive and she couldn’t stop shaking because of how nervous she was. Finding a seat not too far away from the entrance so she could see when Gabe would come in with Myles. Her fingers dug into the palm of her hand and her leg kept moving up and down as she closed her eyes for a second and took a breath. She tried to remind herself of how hard she had worked to get to this point, to actually feel like she could be worth being in Myles’s life. Everything would work out... right?

Gabe

Gabe had made the short drive to the baby gym. It was a good place to let Myles get his energy out. A good public place to see Frannie once more. Walking in, he held that child's hand as they slowly made their way to frannie. Gabe smiled as he picked up his son and held him. " Thanks for meeting me here. Let's get him checked in, and then we'll talk. "

Frannie

Hearing the door open, her head turned to see Gabe and Myles coming inside. She felt herself stand up from her spot, but had to restrain herself from moving in any other way. What she wanted to do was run over and scoop up her son up into her arms, like she saw Gabe do, but she knew she couldn’t. She smiled at the boy before nodding and following Gabe.

Gabe

Gabe walked with her to check Myles in and set him down in the infant area, watching him start to walk around. Gabe found them a seat inside the area and sat with her. " Listen, we can't keep fighting. We can't do that to him and so I need you to be honest with me about what happened "

Frannie

Her grip tightened on her purse strap as she watched Myles for a moment before following Gabe's lead and sitting down. Her heart was racing as she drew in a breath, completely unsure as to where she should even start, but also wanting to be clear that she never lied to him either. "You're right. You are. It wouldn't be right for him. But I never lied to you. I need you to know that. I literally didn't have any money to stay. I cut myself off from my parents after I told them I was pregnant because they ridiculed me for it and made me feel like I was a horrible person for "letting this happen to me." Between the hospital bills and loans, I was completely in over my head in debts despite living with my aunt and uncle."

Gabe

Gabe sighed some. "You know, if you had asked, I would have helped you with everything. I mean, I know it was a one night stand but I think you'd know I am a better person then to just leave you hanging in all this. Okay, so you needed money. How do you have it now? "

Frannie

"I didn't... I didn't think about it. I could only think about doing it myself, especially after moving out of my parents' place. Like I needed to prove them wrong on my own or something. I know that sounds stupid now." Her eyes glanced down, picking at the nail polish that was already chipping. "I, uh... some of the money came from my aunt as a early Christmas and birthday gift. Some I had in the bank. But the rest I got..." She paused, "I started working at a strip club in Columbus."

Gabe

Gabe was patient as she explained herself. Once she was done, he put his hand on hers. "You don't have to be ashamed of that, I get why you did it or do it, but you have to get this... You just said you were doing to for you. Not for you and Myles, that has me worried." He kept explaining as he looked to their son that was now rocking himself on a toy horse. "He is mine and Vince first priority. Are you ready to put your needs aside and your wants? "

Frannie

Frannie glanced at his hand on hers before furrowing her brow. "Wait, no I didn't. Everything I did, I did for Myles. So Myles could have a decent childhood, I left my parents because I knew they would never accept him, or her.. I obviously didn't know who he was going to be when I first got pregnant." She shook her head, trying to get back on track. "I knew I couldn't go back to school because I needed to use every penny I had to provide for Myles. He was my number one priority for over 17 months, when you combine being pregnant with him and the first 8 months of his life. He was literally the only thing I thought about. I didn't even think about myself for a minute..." She closed her eyes. "But I wasn't connecting with him... my aunt made it look so easy to feed him and get him to sleep and just generally play with him... It- I had postpartum depression."

Gabe

Gabe sighed some, he'd leave the comment about her aunt helping raise him for now. "I'm sorry you went through that and as I've said, I wish I could have been there to help. But we're here now and as I said, Myles has spent 3 months with Vince and I, he's got a routine and he's very bonded to my boyfriend as well s Vince is bonded to him. He feels you're going to come in and push him out of the picture, which I hope you know I'm not going to be okay with."

Frannie

Frannie stayed silent while Gabe talked and even after, looking out at Myles and watching him from where they sat. She didn't know how to respond, really. She would never want to push someone out of his life, but was it bad of her to be confused at how close Gabe's boyfriend was to her- their son? She really knew nothing about Vince; she hadn't met him and she didn't know how serious their relationship was. She knew she was in the wrong in the way she had just brought Myles into Gabe's life and then couldn't stay... but that didn't mean she wasn't allowed an opinion about who was in Myles's life... But that certainly was how it was feeling. If anything, she was the one that felt like she wasn't in the picture... and would rarely be in the picture at any point. This wasn't the first time that Gabe had brought up how 'the three of them had a routine.' How was she supposed to be involved when it was feeling more and more like there wasn't going to be any give? "Glad that's an opinion that's being formed about me..." She said quietly. "Like I said, I'm not a malicious person. I don't want to take anyone out of Myles's life unless they are mistreating him or you for that matter. But, and I'm going to say this now, I hope that the low opinions that you and Vince have about me haven't been conveyed to Myles. He deserves to make his own opinions about the people in his life when he gets older. If he ends up hating me, I want it to be because he doesn't like me and not because he's picked up that Vince and you don't like me. But at any rate, you've been pretty clear that I can't see Myles in any other capacity than this..."

Gabe

Gabe raised brow and sighed. "First off, the opinion I have of you is just a lot of confusion, I didnt know what happened until you told me but we don't discuss things when Myles is around. We talked when he's down for the night and its just us in my room. Myles has his own room. For now, yeah, this is how I'm comfortable letting you see him because until you're stick around, I don't like the idea of getting him so attached then something happening. I'm not saying you're going to but you and I both know we have to be careful whom is in his life. Vince isn't just my boyfriend, Frannie, hes my forever. We've only recently gotten serious but he's very much the person I'm going to marry. I would like you and him to talk, so he can see that you're not malicious towards him and that youre not looking to push him out of Myle's life. Just like if you got serious with someone, I'd want to know them so they knew that we're all equal in Myles' life because we all love him."

Frannie

Frannie chewed on the inside of her cheek while she listened to Gabe. "I'm not leaving again..." She said, knowing that Gabe wouldn't believe her anyways. Part of her wanted to comment on his relationship, but she knew she didn't have any leg to stand on so she just kept quiet. But she would be kidding herself if she didn't feel like she would be in constant battle with the two of them over Myles, whether civil or not. Sitting there with Gabe, she felt more sure of that than anything, not seeing much hope in ever getting to have a decent relationship with Gabe, Vince, or Myles. "I don't think that's something that we will ever need to worry about."

Gabe

'And I believe you but I need to see it." Gabe responded. "Just give it time, I really want this to work for all of us. For you to have just as much time with him as I do. For it all to work out but you have to be willing to work with me, to make it work. It can't be this tug of war. Right now I can't meet you in the middle but I can find ways to start bring you back into his life and I think you and I need to get to know each other better."

Frannie

Her eyes welled up with tears and she looked away from Gabe. "I am sorry, Gabe... for everything..."

Gabe

Gabe pulled her into a hug, letting her get it out. Just then Myles made his way over and collapsed against Gabe's legs. He picked him up and smiled a bit. "Myles, can you say hi, wave hi" the little boy waving and smiling to her.

Frannie

The tears fell down her cheeks as she closed her eyes. Frannie was grateful for the embrace, even if she began to feel weak for breaking down in front of him. Her eyes opened as Myles came over. She quickly wiped away the tears before smiling at him and waving back. "Hi Myles..."

Gabe

"hey its okay he sees you cry, I dont want him to think he need to hide his own emotions." Gabe grinned a bit. "So you're told me about you. Would you like to know more about me?"

Frannie

"You're right... but I'm sure those aren't the last of the tears right now." Frannie nodded, glancing back at Gabe. "Yeah, yeah I would."

Gabe

Setting Myles down, he watched him go off again, babbling the whole way. Gabe turned back to her. "Well I was born and raised in Seattle. My mother was Shannon Beiste and my father, Cooter Menkin. Cooter fooled everyone for years, they thought my family was perfect but it wasn't. Cooter was abusive to my mom, then me and my younger brother, Jack. If the words didn't hurt then he moved to fists. We use to hide the marks but because of him, I took all the sports I could to make myself stronger and because of him its why I want to do everything i can for Myles to have a good life....when i was 7, my mom finally left him, kicked him out and he didn't fight because well, she got the cops involved..." Gabe glancing a way so she could soak it all in. "Then when i was 12, my mom became my dad."

Frannie

Her eyes stayed on Myles while Gabe began to talk again. Frannie turned towards him again, nodding softly at his words. Drawing a breath in, her brow furrowed. "Gabe... I'm so sorry that that all happened... I... I can't even imagine." Now placing her hand on his, she squeezed it gently. "That's a lot to go through at a young age... and I'm sorry that I've made this whole ... situation more difficult than it ever should have been..."

Gabe

Gabe nodded then shrugged. "You're not the only one with a fucked up past. Don't get me wrong when my mom went from Shannon to Sheldon, i was happy for him. He found whom he really was and that was all the better but still....I just, I want you to understand that I'm not some asshole frat boy or jock. I'm not like other people and that when you showed up with Myles, I really couldnt not have been happier. If for no reason then I do want kids and hes just so amazing."

Frannie

"Gabe..." Frannie paused. "I never thought that of you... I wouldn't have slept with you if I did. I mean, I know I make questionable choices, but... I just freaked out because of- I don't know. I knew you weren't some horrible person but I was afraid of what would happen if you knew. Like... maybe you'd think less of me or want me to get rid of it or... I don't know. It was stupid. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have decided not to tell you when I got pregnant."

Gabe

Gabe nodded some, just looking at his son. "Well I know now and we're going to work on this. But I just want to make sure you understand that Vince, he has as much rights as we do, okay? Now we only got 20 minutes left if you want to go play with him before we leave."

Frannie

"Yes, I understand... I'll- I'll reach out to him after I leave here. I promise. I want this to work." Frannie's eyes widened as she looked over at Gabe. "Wait, really? I can go and do that? Are- Are you sure?"

Gabe

"Thank you and he might be upset, so just remember its fear as well" Gabe nodded. "Just keep away from calling yourself mommy right now, I'm not taking that from you, just want him to get use to you first."

Frannie

"I'll- I'll just explain everything that I did to you and see what happens then." Her face lit up as she nodded. It hurt that she couldn't tell the boy that she was his mom, but she understood. "Thanks, Gabe..." Her eyes welled up again. "Seriously, thank you." She walked over towards Myles and squatted down next to him, asking him what he was doing.

Gabe

Gabe smiled back. "You're welcome, now go." Sitting back, he watched as they played together. He knew Myles would have some idea as to whom she was but at the same time, time changes things. The time seemed to tick by and soon, he was coming over to them. "its time to." Gabe picking Myles up and holding him on his hips.

Frannie

Frannie's heart had felt so full as she played with Myles. His hands grabbed hers a few times to help him over some of the equipment and for a brief second, she forgot how she had messed everything up. She let out a soft sigh when Gabe scooped their son up. "Bye Myles. Thank you for letting me play with you. You're a lot of fun!"

Gabe

Gabe made Myles wave and gave her a quick hug. "Thank you for talking to me. We'll work on this together." With that, Gabe told her bye once more. "I'll text you when I get a chance." Leaving Frannie, he felt a bit better about it all but he knew it would be an up hill climb.

#paras #xjoiexgabriel #tw: abandonment #tw: postpartum depression #tw: depression #tw: abuse #tw: child abuse

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ramblinganthropologist · 6 years

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MER Week Days 3 and 6

Prompts: Midnight Rendezvous and Break my Heart

Eh heh heh... I’ve been wanting to do this one for a while. >:3c

Summary: What’s left behind when Commander Shepard dies? Not a lot for Bo to hold onto. It’s hardest at night, and it’s not easier with what remains. But sometimes it helps. Setting: Between 1 and 2.

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-June 23, 2183-

Bo wasn't sure what she hated more: the sound of military music or her formal uniform.

Both were grating on her nerves as she sat there in a green field covered in headstones. Most of them were small. After all, in that day and age they rarely got a whole body back. At best, ashes were buried there under the names and dates. Sometimes... well, the less said about the larger plots the better.

For her, there was nothing left.

She clenched her fist tight as she stared down at the small plot of ground that had been marked out for the Citadel's savior. In plain dates, “Commander Alistair Michael Shepard, 2156-2183” was spelled out in heavy black letters. Nothing but the basic facts about the man who was anything but, even if she had said otherwise.

“Fuck.”

The ceremony had been over for a while now. People had tried to give her sympathy but it had bounced off her like bullets off her armor. Bo had just stood there, staring at the ground. Maybe she was numb, maybe she was pissed. It wasn't every day she got to watch her best friend memorialized.

The priest was an asshole; Al wasn't Catholic anyway.

“Excuse me, Commander Shepard?”

For a brief second, Bo didn't move. After all, someone that polite would have been for Alistair. It took her a second to remember that he wasn't at her fucking side where he was supposed to be, fielding comments for her. Her buffer was gone now, and she had to face it alone. So, she turned to face them, not really looking.

They had a box in their hands and an Alliance uniform on their back. She didn't really notice the rank or the face. Details like that didn't really matter lately – someone would probably say that was depression. Honestly, she was just tired. Some asshole with a degree would probably say that was depression too.

“Yeah?”

They didn't shrink back from the bite to her voice. She had to give them that. “We recovered this from the crash. As next of kin, it's yours.”

They handed the box over without another word. “All we found was some armor and his pistol. I'm sorry we couldn't give you more.”

And then they left Bo alone with the little box that held the one possession Alistair loved almost as much as his hamster. She would have laughed, but it just wouldn't come out. Instead, she just stared at it, frowning. Then she gave the box a shake – too much rattled around for it to be in one piece. Given the Normandy had blown up, that was to be expected.

Disappointing... he had always liked that damn little gun. Even when there were better models, ones that maybe accounted for his shitty aiming, it was at his side like a little red nightmare. Dead eye, dumb gun. That had been her brother.

And now it was all she had left.

“Fuck.”

That was all Bo could get out as she turned to walk away from the empty grave, broken gun in hand. What else could she say? It wouldn't bring Alistair back if she suddenly developed his ability to speak to people, nor would it make her feel any better. All she could do was just keep walking and hope she figured out the rest later.

Stupid Alistair... he had to get himself blown up for his own damn pilot.

-December 11, 2183-

Explosions were what shot Bo out of bed that morning.

None of them were real – she would have been moving faster if they had been. But she heard them all the same and saw the Normandy exploding before her very eyes as she sat there on the edge of her bed, sweat pouring down her face and her chest heaving from the effort. It took every effort to remember she wasn't in space, and the only thing that was threatening to explode was her heart. Even after a few seconds of staring around the dark room, it didn't calm down.

So it was going to be one of those nights, huh?

“What fucking time is it?”

Somewhere off to the side, her computer glowed. “The current time is 02:30.”

The pleasant voice that came from the speakers had a thick Irish accent that hadn't been reproduced well. Where vowels and consonants came together, the awkward electronics showed themselves. It wasn't a person.

It wasn't Alistair.

Bo took a deep breath as she looked over at the computer again. Even in the darkness, she could see the little hologram standing there, projected by her screen. The voice had come from a VI she had picked up her last time at the Citadel. The man selling it had cowered and given her a deeply discounted rate. He should have – the damn thing was broken half the time.

She sat down at her desk, not really looking at the little projection of her brother in his fatigues. He hated wearing those – something about them never fitting right in the legs and causing him to trip if he didn't roll them up right. It had been his curse of being so damn short.

“Anything good?”

The Shepard VI was as cheery as always. “You have 74 unread messages and one missed vid call from Admiral Anderson.”

Bo rolled her eyes as she briefly scrolled down. Nothing she gave a fuck about. “Delete them and remind me to call Anderson later.”

“Can do.” Then the VI switched to its deletion message. “I get rid of you on the way to real problems.”

She had to laugh, but it was like there was broken glass in her throat. It was her words in Alistair's dumb accent like some fucked up fusion nightmare. The real one would have never said anything like that. Hell, he probably would've offered to fix his own damn VI if he were around to see just how buggy it was.

Something about that was so wrong it had to make her laugh, but damn if it didn't hurt when she did it.

“Those volus patching you need to get off their asses and fix the personality. Did they get us mixed up again?”

Pleasant Alistair VI was back. “Sending a note to the development team. Thanks for your feedback, you make the galaxy safer.”

Nerdy; that was closer. Bo shook her head as she looked at her empty inbox and the pending call. Part of her – she swore it had an accent – was telling her to pick up her omni-tool and give Anderson a call. Then it was telling her to put on pants and go do something outside. All were sensible, yet horrible ideas and she didn't want to do any of them.

“Fuck I don't even know.”

Her leave was almost over, and then it was back to who even fucking knew. The Hong Kong wasn't around to take her back – even if they had loved her. Like the Normandy it was smashed to a thousand pieces and just as useful. Maybe the Council would want her to do something. Those fuckers owed her one after all.

A couple ones, but she would settle for one. Just... something. Anything.

Something wet trickled down her face – maybe the ceiling had finally sprung a leak due to her dumb ass neighbors upstairs. Bo didn't investigate it. She just kept staring at the damn VI, half hoping that it would do something other than read her messages for her. But it just stood there, waiting for her to give it a task to complete.

And the ones she needed it couldn't do. She had learned the hard way that a VI couldn't hug for shit.

“Maybe I should go back to bed.”

Her bones creaked as she started back over towards her unmade bed. Sometime during the struggle, her pillow had wound up on the floor. Grumbling, she bent to pick it up. That was when she felt it in her lower back – a dull pain throbbed to life.

“Fuck!”

She slapped her hand over it just as a similar burning ache stabbed its way through her lower leg. Bo fell back on the bed, half expecting gunfire. When she pulled her hand away there was nothing there, though. She wasn't bleeding – shit just fucking hurt.

“Are you ok, Commander Shepard? Do you require medical attention?”

Now that was fucking Al. Maybe the volus were finally on to something.

Bo blinked back surprise as she looked down to the source of pain on her leg. It wasn't anywhere she had been injured before as far as she could remember. Instead, it was centralized around a band of pinks and reds inked into her skin. Even in the dark, her fingers found her way to the tattoo and rubbed against it.

“Commander Shepard?”

Another throb, this time from her lower back and right where another tattoo was. Bo's eyes went higher than the VI, to a shelf she hadn't touched since she had installed it. On it rested a dusty box, marked down “personal effects” in ink that hadn't started to fade.

“Can't be.” but it was hurting right where her N7 tattoo was inked into her skin, as bad as it had when she had first gotten it with Alistair on the Citadel. He had had a matching one inked in the same spot on his own skin, though he had complained about it the entire time it was healing. For a medic, it was almost funny.

It had always hurt when either of them were about to do something stupid.

A strange smile crossed her face as she managed to get back into bed. “See if there are any available shuttles out of here in the morning.”

“Can do, Commander. Remember to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night for optimum efficiency.”

Hopefully, someone else was hurting as much as she was, because Bo wasn't going to be getting any sleep that night. But as a plan formed in her head, she couldn't say she minded much at all.

-April 11, 2184-

“You have two missed vid calls from ID “Bonecrusher” and “Demonslinger” and three unread messages from the Alliance.”

“Tell them they can suck it I'm busy.”

The bruises from last night's fight were still healing and it hurt to move. Bo really should have been resting or at the very least swimming in medigel. Instead, she was at her desk pouring over a bunch of dumb, stupid pieces.

In front of her, oh so careful dissembled, was a pistol. Half the pieces were new, bought or fought for during her time on Omega. The rest, the more beat up looking ones, were the originals she was trying to build around.

It didn't help Alistair never fucking cleaned his guns right. Fuckin' southpaws.

“I have informed them you are busy.” VI Alistair popped up in front of her. “Do you require assistance?”

Bo scowled as she held a piece up to the light – this was a new one, to help fit in the clips the pistol was being modified to use. “Pull up the Stinger maintenance manual again. I think I got this damn thing on backwards.”

The diagrams popped up large enough for her to read without her glasses on – yep, the damn thing was backwards AND upside down on top of it. She scowled and turned it right side up, then clicked it back into place. That sound was becoming oddly therapeutic in a way only knocking Krogan skulls in had been as of late.

They had always said she had laser focus back in school. Once again, she was proving them right.

Alistair VI glowed for a second as she continued to work. “Update: the part you ordered has come in. You can pick it up in the morning.”

“Great, make sure that asshole isn't trying to short change me again.” Bo grabbed her glasses from her forehead and pushed them down onto her face in order to inspect the next part. “Otherwise they're going to be my 13th win in the ring next week.”

The little VI of her brother flashed for a second – there were those damn bugs again. “Confirmed. Your message has been sent. Do you need anything else?”

“I need the full diagram for the Stinger firing system again. Damn thing looks like it needs another part.”

Maybe at this point it would've been easier to just get another a fucking gun. It wasn't like the Stinger pistol was particularly hard to find. Maybe a little rare on Omega, but that was more personal preference than scarcity. The mercs there liked flashier models that had a shotgun's kick to them. She could appreciate a good shotgun as much as the next person, but it wasn't her taste in consideration.

Besides, it was a pain in the ass to modify any fucking gun to be left handed. Why couldn't her dumb brother learn to shoot right handed like a normal person?

Alistair VI worked quietly, but he talked while he did it. “Searching. The Stinger pistol is a favorite of mine.”

“I know it is, that's why I'm fixing it.” She held a piece up to the light and then slid it in. “You're going to need a working gun when I find you.”

Maybe it was wishful thinking or maladaptive coping or just plain denial, but tattoos didn't lie. Hers especially didn't. Somewhere, she knew deep down in her gut that the dumb ass who owned the gun she was working on was going to want it back. And hell, she was more than ready to give it to him and then some.

The VI flashed its error message. “Request misunderstood. Could you please repeat?”

“Ah, forget it.” Bo reached for another tiny tool in order to work on the grip. “Play my workout music, 60% volume.”

Loud, high energy music began to pour into her apartment as Bo lost herself in the work. If she was lucky, she'd finish her modification on the Stinger's grip before she had to square off in the ring again. If not... well, as long as they didn't break her arm she'd be good to go.

And hopefully, it would be good to go with her modifications when she saw Alistair again. With any luck, that asshole would appreciate having a gun that shot a little steadier the next time she saw him. That would be after she kicked his ass for dying, of course.

After all, that was just rude. Who went off as a big, stupid hero without saying when they would be back?

#merweek2018 #Bo Peep Shepard #ramblinganthropologist's writing #Alistair Shepard #Commander Shepard

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yuhb0y · 7 years

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Hard to believe this post was 3 years ago. My first suicide attempt led me to be institutionalized and it was probably the scariest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I remember waking up in the middle of the night one day and crying harder than I had ever cried, I don’t really remember what it was about this specific day but at some point throughout the thought came into my head that this was finally it.

I wrote a letter to my family and texted the girl I loved a huge apology. This was all going on during the worst drug binge I had ever been on. I took one last shower idk why but I did, I sat down on my couch and really reflected on everything I could for as long as I could but in a moments notice I realized that I didn’t really want to overthink the whole situation so I gathered about 12 or 14 norcos in my hand and just swallowed them whole. I continued to do so til there wasn’t anything left of the 2 bottles I had gotten my hands on. I remember going in for the last handful and feeling some sort of relief.

And just like that I leaned back and could feel my head get lighter and lighter and I as I got higher all I could remember is crying. Even in the moments I had hoped to be my last I felt inadequate. There was no peace, there was no instance where this all made sense to me, I found nothing. This was everything I had allowed to eat away at me taking all control and I just sat there crying because it was the worst realization I had ever made.

Eventually I blacked out and I guess my mother found me with puke coming out my mouth. I was still a bit coherent but everything was so fucking hazy. I don’t really know how my mom did it but she got me into her car and drove me to the hospital where she worked at (and ironically the one I was born at.) It was about 5am and I remember seeing rain fall down on a world that wasn’t quite awake yet out the car window as I came in and out of this horrible state I was in, my mom kept shaking me to stay awake.

When I got to the hospital I was in a drug induced frenzy, I tried to fight staff and police cuz they wanted to strip me (staff even stole my phone charger but I don’t blame them) Eventually I was put into an er room. Too much time had gone by and they said they couldn’t pump my stomach, so I had to wait out the worst high of my life. I spent about 9 hours vomiting, crying with my parents, and slipping in and out of consciousness cuz I was not allowed to fall asleep under any circumstances in case I didn’t wake back up. This was it, this was my defeat, nothing after this would be the same whether I lived or died, everything would change.

All I really remember was thinking about my siblings and my late grandmother. My siblings and my parents are everything to me and all I felt was shame. More shame than I’ve ever felt in my life. I had to start training for a new job that week and all I remember thinking is “What do I tell them?” “Does the rest of my family know?” “How do I explain this to anyone?” I was at the lowest I had ever been in my life and I thought no one could understand.

The whole 9 hours I was in the er I wasn’t allowed water for fear of choking to death. I vomited the entire time and cried more than I had ever in my 19 years of living, I confessed my feelings to my parents and everything I had felt up to that point, I told them I had been depressed since I was a child and how I was hiding this drug problem from them, and they both just kept telling me they loved me and that everything was gonna be ok.

I really didn’t have a choice when it came to being put in the psych ward, my parents really pushed it and I didn’t really know what to do in this situation. I signed a dotted line and hugged my mom and dad like it was the last time I was gonna see them. I was stripped searched one last time and taken to a room with the clothes I arrived in.

I remember sleeping most of the time when I first got there. My roommate was a rich kid like two years older than me with a history of drug abuse and destruction of property. His name was Michael and he was there as part of court-sentenced rehabilitation, he had taken abunch of xanax and crashed his rich dads car into a building. He was kinda scary and read the bible all the time in order to “get right with god.” He even stole one of my tshirts by proclaiming to me one morning “This is mine now Eli.” We had planned to stay in contact when I got out but that never happened. Most nights we’d talk til one of us passed out, when you’re put into a setting like that it really changes alot of things, I feel like he knew me better than most people know me now. I hope he’s doing ok where ever he is, I hope he’s better cuz he atleast deserves that.

I actually made friends in there and they helped me out more than any of the therapy or group activities. Our lunch table consisted of me, this man Mark that was an alcoholic and decorated college professor with 4 kids, grandkids and a girlfriend, he attempted to hang himself from his bedroom window and ended up falling 3 stories and breaking his arm, this was his 6th stay in a mental institution. There was Greg, a theater actor that was down on his luck, he never told me how he tried to do it but that didn’t matter, he had struggled with depression since he was a teenager and by the end of his stay he was really stoked on getting this part in a play. There was another Michael he was also my age, he was in there cuz he almost drank himself to death and received alcohol poisoning, he had been away at college when it happened and his family thought it’d be good for him to check himself in before going to rehab, we talked about death metal and videogames all the time and he was the only one that ever wanted to take walks with me. Finally there was Dave, he was a terminal cancer patient with a degree in architecture, he had two kids and a wife, he slashed his arms with a kitchen knife, he was usually on bed rest but he was the only one that was ever up as early as I was and we were always the first ones up for breakfast, I think I helped him more than he helped me. These men helped me out so much, especially Mark, I couldn’t believe such a smart and experienced person could feel the way I did, he was the first person that really taught me about coping with depression and he just taught me so much about regular life stuff and I’m forever grateful for that, I had tried to contact him when I was out but could never get a hold of him. I hope he didn’t die, that’s my biggest fear. I hope no one died, I hope they’re all still here. It’s horrible to think like that but it’s hard not to.

While I was in there I got regular visits from friends and the girl I was in love with, she even made out with me once in there and some staff saw and scolded me but I just thought it was funny. Seeing her was the one thing I looked forward to the most cuz she came everyday and I would literally count down the minutes and hours til she arrived and I couldn’t help but get super stoked everytime, I was really in love. Visits helped me alot since I had no means of contact with the outside world. I remember writing letters to my mom and dad and said girl. I would draw alot and write alot and I even read some books which I never do. One thing I couldn’t do was listen to music and that was probably the most annoying thing ever. I watched movies everyday too with my roommate and we even started a “movie time” in the wreck room, I remember watching A Bronx Tale one day and 2 ladies were really offended cuz they swore alot, we didn’t care though.

I was in there for about 8 or 9 days until I was discharged on short notice. My aunt Maggie had lost her fight with diabetes and had passed away while I was in there. She was the only one that ever came to my shows and she was my mom’s best friend, she was a wonderful person and I loved her alot, it just made my situation worse losing her. The hospital let me out early so I could attend her funeral. I was diagnosed with dysthymia and prescribed anti-depressants and handed a 2,000 dollar medical bill and sent on my way.

It was all surreal, the day i got out my mom picked me up and we headed home to pack since we were headed to Wisconsin to bury my aunt on her tribes’ reservation, I brought my girl too. We were off to Wisconsin, here I was not even 12 hours out and on my way to send off my beloved aunt, I didn’t know how to feel, everyting was happening so fast. The funeral actually wasn’t sad, of course my family and i cried but it was a very beautiful native american ceremony. There was dancing and a huge bonfire and a feast and we told stories about Maggie, it lasted 2 days, there was a ton of my family and none of them knew what I had just been through so i had to just pretend like I was ok, but either way it wouldn’t really be appropriate to talk about that shit there. The only person that knew was my uncle who’s wife we were burying, I remember him hugging me and telling me he loved me and I just held him and told him I loved him too, I felt like a jackass cuz he already had enough going on. We burried my aunt next to her mother one morning and I put a rose on her casket. Death is a very real thing and I had been face to face with it and this whole experience was insane.

We stayed the whole weekend on this beautiful reservation and I remember just being with my girl and feeling lucky to be alive. It was like some straight up movie shit, I remember one night I was just hanging out with her in front of this lake and just kissing her and it was dark and we were in the middle of all this scenery and the whole time the weather was gloomy since it was fall and it was cold but I didn’t care I just kissed her and told her I loved her, it was intense.

When I was back home I got back into the groove of things and began to live life again cuz I didn’t really wanna think about all I had been through for a bit. I remember talking to friends and family members about it, some conversations were more sincere than others. When you almost die everyone loves you.

Depression is a very serious thing. It doesn’t take a break, it can take over anyone, your mother, your girlfriend, your boss, your teacher, no one is really in the clear. Depression is a monster that eats away at alot of us and some of us don’t make it out in one piece. If you ever feel like you’re going through something, please don’t do it alone, even if you feel like you are, you’re not. It took a drug overdose for me to realize that and it shouldn’t have been that way. Feeling like shit about yourself is completely normal, we’re literally the most complex organisms on this planet with even more complex feelings and ideas, it’s perfectly alright to feel down sometimes, it’s completely natural. I’m just saying you should never feel like you need to hide the way you’re feeling and you should never be scared of reaching out to someone, we all have people that care about us and if they’re all real, they’ll definitely understand. Don’t wait until it’s too late like I did. Don’t wake up one morning after bottling everything up and make a decision you can’t take back. Don’t break your mother’s heart. Don’t let this take you. You are more than this and you deserve more, you owe it to yourself. Love yourself and let the love of others guide you down this dark path, it’s the only way.

Three years have gone by. Three years. I still struggle everyday with these thoughts in my head and some days are harder than others. Sometimes I feel like giving up and making everything go away. Three years have gone by and I don’t do drugs anymore, I’ve had my moments of weakness but I never went back to that shit. Three years have gone by and the friends I had back then are still here, and I love them with all my heart. Three years have gone by and some friends have parted ways with me but I love them too. Three years have gone by and the girl I wrote those letters to burned them all. Three years have gone by and I attempted suicide again. Three years have gone by, I’ve made some progress and had some setbacks. Three years have gone by and I’ve fucked up alot of things in my life. Three years have gone by and I’ve hurt some people and have been hurt myself. Three years have gone by and I’ve done some cool shit. Three years have gone by and music has always been there for me. Three years have gone by and my relationship with my parents is better. Three years have gone by and alot has changed. Three years have gone by and I’m happy I’m still here. Three years have gone by and I hope if you’re reading this and you struggle with something similar I want you to know that it’s not gonna get better right away, this horrible feeling will probably never leave you but goddamnit you are strong and you are amazing and life is amazing and there’s so much of it you gotta see. And when it’s all said and done you will be more than this.

Always remember that I’ll always love you and I’ll always be here for you even in the darkest times. Maybe you’ll feel different when the sun rises.

#depression #anxiety #tw suicude #suicde

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