another C’s coloring post! my sparda twins body type headcanons but now in Color

Hii!! I don't know where to start with my experience but I saw some posts on your blog that I can relte to on a level I never did with other posts before so I thought I might get some useful advice from you, I was a VERY confident person, I never had trouble being myself, and never found trouble mingling anywhere. But last year the girls in my class were all very insecure and they just loved bashing me for simply not being insecure really. So, I realized I only had breakable confidence and it broke after these girls treated me sh!tty for 9 months straight.

I didn't realize it till around September last year, it was my first month in a new school and I noticed that I had zero social skills and I could barely move without thinking what people might say in their heads abt me, I kept hiding and avoiding the spotlight tho that's not like me at all! I even cried when a teacher asked me a question and I gave her a wrong answer. It was so bad almost like I was in another person's foot, like I'm not myself like I just existed yesterday.

Anyways, nothing changed the first semester I was just confused and crying everyday waiting for something to change, nothing did. I stayed like this for 130 days, then I started to actually work on myself and now, 145 days later I kinda made things better, I can stop hiding in public places. but still I can't stop feeling shame whenever I do something like myself. I really would love to know if you have tips on how to get rid of this feeling, the second semester is pretty close and I'm determined to get my full confidence back before it starts, also sorry if this is long but I just got too comfortable. :))

These are the asks I live for!!! Two things to start off. First, I want to thank you for submitting this ask because through it, I can see that you still know yourself more than you are aware of, something I'll get into deeper a little later. Second, I want to apologize in advance because my response will get a little lengthy, so no need to apologize on your part. I love the detail that you write with. 💜

I am so sorry that you have had the misfortune of dealing with shitty people. Really. I never use language like that, but I know the experience, so I won't beat around the bush, and it's a good thing that you aren't doing so either. You've looked through the blog already, so I won't make this response about me as you have likely seen my posts concerning the similar stuff, but I can relate to EVERY word you typed and each feeling that you described above. I know exactly how tough it is to go from having that confidence where you feel like you can conquer the world (or the days and weeks at least), to staying in bed because the world is just that scary. Hiding because you just get so tense that if anyone says anything to you, you freeze and get even more nervous and possibly burst out in tears because it's just so overwhelming. Not being able to assert yourself because you get so caught up in your head about how the other person may feel. I've been there. And I am working through this exact thing right now after nearly 18 years of having been treated that way.

Remember earlier when I said that you still know yourself more than it feels like? Most of that is because you have that awareness of how you feel down to almost a science. I recognized that immediately because I have a very similar trait. The detail of exactly how long you have been feeling a certain way and how long you have been working on yourself and getting better is something that not many other people are able to do. Having this awareness is helpful, which should give you some hope. Be proud of yourself for this. On to a few tips.

This may be annoying, because it was to me when I was looking for ways to break myself out of this state of mind, something that I began describing as "shell-shock," though I know that has a different meaning, but it helped me in further describing the feeling to myself. Though this wasn't meant to be the first tip - (and it isn't the annoying one either, lol, but this is how my thoughts have started to flow) - find words that are true to you to describe the way you are feeling. These words do not have to be appropriate, and they don't have to be kind, friendly, nice, or what ever other descriptor you want to attach. They just have to be true to you and to the way you are feeling. Journal and write these feelings out. You don't have to journal whole sentences at first. Start out with just maybe labeling at the top of the page, "words that describe how I feel" and go from there. Phrases can be included in this. Move on to whole sentences if you feel like that is something that would help you out. I know that it may be scary to keep a journal, especially if you live with others, which I did as I filled up my first seven of them. But writing really does help you process what you are feeling and what you are going through (think of the comfort you felt as you were writing to me.) That's the key.

Also just another piece to go along with this (tip 1.5). In addition to pen and paper, you could do little video journals of yourself using the front-facing camera on your phone. Almost like a vlog, but you will be the only one watching it back, and you can get more personal with it. I know it sounds a little weird, and it will be at first, but it's something that I started in early 2022 and it helped me because one of the missing pieces for me is that I had stopped seeing myself. I was no longer visible to the one person who could help me out of my situation. Make sure you look directly into the camera while talking your feelings out to yourself. When you play it back, you will be looking directly at yourself from the other side which can help you rebuild that social muscle. You don't have to stare at it the whole time, of course, but it allows for a more natural eye contact feel when you play it back. As I said, I know it's a weird one, but in our healing, sometimes it's the weird things that help us the most.

This second piece of advice is the annoying one that I was talking about, because it is one that everyone talks about nowadays. Meditation. I know. It isn't for everyone. I have started and stopped SO many times over the past 8 years, but I have finally gotten to a place where it helps. When I am not able to do meditation, I just do diaphragmatic breathing. In simple terms, it's just breathing deeply into your tummy instead of into your chest. The guide I linked from Harvard Med should give you a good idea of how to start out. With a little practice, you will be able to do this anytime without having to lie flat, but it really works wonders when you have time to do it that way. Recently, and I am talking just within the past two weeks, breathing this way has helped me out tremendously with that social anxiety that you were describing above. It allows me to get deeply anchored into my body and out of my thoughts for just a little while, which gives me space to feel freer and let more of my personality shine through. If you feel yourself getting tensed up, just try it out and see if you feel better. If regular meditation doesn't work, then guided meditations may help a little better because someone else is there guiding you along. It may take a little while to find ones that are suitable to you, but don't worry if you can't do that immediately. Please don't give it up just after a few tries if it doesn't work for you immediately. Feeling yourself get back into occupying the entirety of your body is something that helped me feel more like a person instead of just a reactive "thing" so to speak. I'm not saying that that is the way you are, but that is how I felt about myself - and still do from time to time when I am thinking about how I was treated.

Lastly, while you are in the midst of feeling off or tense, even if there are no other people in your immediate environment causing this, start talking to yourself as a mother would her child who is afraid. Another strange one, I know, but just bear with me. When I first noticed myself feeling like you described above, I had no idea what was going on, but after about two years, I noticed that in those moments, I felt like a scared and helpless child, a feeling that came back to me late one evening as I was writing, and that I remembered actually feeling when I was a child so many years ago. The remedy? Remind yourself that you are safe. As you are anchoring yourself in your body through your deep breathing, remind yourself that everything around you is okay. Remind yourself that you are a capable person and that you are capable of navigating your life, even if things get a little unfamiliar at times. I know it sounds a bit weird that you will be talking to yourself out loud, but try it when you are alone sometimes. If you happen to be far away from others for a few minutes, or at home with no one else around. After a while, you will be able to do this in your head when you're afraid or feeling tense, which means that no one will know the wiser. Also, going back to tip 1.5, you could record little voice memos for yourself and play them back during tough moments if you have some earbuds. Something calming and that puts you at ease.

Through all of this and as you continue to learn and grow, I hope that you become a safe person for yourself. Someone you come to rely on first and foremost. Not saying that you aren't now, because you do have that awareness and emotional intelligence that many people are lacking nowadays, you've just become a little insecure within your own skin based on other people, something I can relate to til no end. We just need to block them out and let ourselves in.