#but i raise you 'achilles come down' by gang of youths instead | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gxst · 10 months

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the top button of a shirt left undone. a deep ache to feel like you belong. willingly stepping into your own cage. replacing love with a one night stand. sneaking a botte of wine under your jacket. a lost sense of wonder. stains of lipstick on your neck. falling just before the finish line. doing as you’re told. forgetting to eat. leaving before the other wakes up.

stats.

full name : adam ivar gustafsson age : twenty seven birthday : july 20th nationality : swedish gender / pronouns : cis man, he / him sexual orientation : pansexual occupation : servant for the swedish royal family languages spoken : swedish, english, basic danish

misc.

scars : small bright spots on his knees from landing on gravel while falling off a horse as a child, one faint white line on the knuckle of his left thumb from carving wood, an unevenness to his nose after having it broken and set back into place sleeping habits : 6 - 7 hours, preferably with nathaniel. mumbles in his sleep emotional stability : easily broken down, too stubborn to admit it's a problem alcohol use : regular zodiac sign : cancer sun, taurus moon, leo rising alignment : neutral good positive traits : loyal, honest, playful when it's allowed negative traits : stubborn, cynical, skittish habits : bounces his leg when sitting, picks at his nails, sometimes hums when he's working hobbies : reading and writing ( poorly ) fears : abandonment, thunder and lightning, the dark favourite weather : post-rain sunshine favourite colour : lilac favourite food : new potatoes and salmon favourite beverage : tea and wine favourite animal : dogs tracklist : achilles come down ( gang of youths ), marjorie ( taylor swift ), all i've ever known ( hadestown ), that funny feeling ( phoebe bridgers version ), i can see you ( taylor swift )

biography.

tw: death and murder

you were born to not be seen. you’re raised to not take up space. you blend into the surrounding scenery until you are needed for something, and just as fast as the snap of fingers or the wave of a hand asked you for help, you disappear into the background again once the task is complete. it's drilled into you that you must learn your place, and you do it very well.

you often find yourself helping your father with his job as a servant for the swedish royals when you’re able. you learn how to work a broom, how to best care for an apple tree, how to carry several pints at once without spilling a drop. you’re endearing, you’re sweet, your cheeks are pinched, you’re just like your father and you take much pride in it. you know nothing of what the world has in store for you. you’re curious about your surroundings. your older sister teaches you how to ride a horse, and together you sneak off when everybody else is asleep for midnight adventures filled with made up stories of bravery and happily ever afters while you imagine such lives for yourselves. you pick bouquets of dandelions and gift them to your mother who keeps it a secret from you that they are weeds. you’re taught how to skip rocks, but instead of throwing them you keep them in a keepsake box under your bed. you find yourself out in the courtyard: the moon has slivered down to a shard and you didn’t know of any constellations so you made up your own and named them after the people who love you.

you’re happy. you’re amongst friends. the cooks at the castle offer you apple slices to keep you around, always excited about your presence and the nonsense stories of made up bravery you tell. you keep them company as you grow up in front of their eyes. they still see you as a chid, their chid, and the taste of apples remind you of love.

you fall in love several times a week. not being caught becomes one of your favourite games. hushed laughter and unbuttoned shirts is a regular occurrence. every melody in the world belongs to you.

then, things change.

your mother becomes sick, and soon thereafter she passes. your older sister is quick to join her. you and your father alike are struck with insurmountable grief. for you, it means you stop getting out of bed in the mornings. for him, it means he can no longer perform as well in regards to his work as he used to. the swedish king takes notice, and it is dealt with swiftly. your father joins your mother and your sister, and you are left to fill his shoes. you try to wish yourself dead in hopes of seeing your family again but it does not work.

you stay alive, you keep your two younger siblings fed. your hands shake, but only when no one is watching. you do not have the time to grieve. you occupy yourself with polishing, pouring, boiling tealeaves and doing as you’re told. at night you drink yourself warm. flowers still bloom, stars still sparkle, and you are blind to all of it. you find yourself curling on your bed as you had once been cradled by your parents.

when the king is murdered by his very own advisor, you do not say a word. you do not try to prevent it, you do not run for help. you lock the door and you avert your eyes, but you cannot do the same with your ears. your reward is to keep your position, and so, you're brought along to scotland. you try and use the change of scenery as a fresh start. during the day you do your best to shine a decent enough light on sweden, and at night you collapse into the beds of strangers to keep your mind from drifting towards the past you're trying to forget.

you fall into the arms of a woman with as many coils as a snake and in return she lands you a broken nose and a belief that this is how you ought to be treated. it is only with the help of a friend that you manage to release yourself from her honey coated claws. out of her arms, you fall into his - but this is different. his hands do not pull you in to push you away once he grows bored and finds something more interesting, and before you even know what's happening you've fallen in love with your best friend.

relationships.

nathaniel : love of his whole life :-) ilja balogh : best friend ivar olofsson : coworker, friend elif kaya : friend iggy adamsdotter : pet chicken

#⟢﹒☁️﹒ a d a m #nomad.intro

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foldable-mattress · 1 year

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Give me your honest opinion on Mondo and Rantaro 👀👀👀

Oo okay (I'm so sorry that this has been sitting in my ask box for so long)

Mondo:

Favorite Thing: I love it when the big intimidating characters like smaller animals. Like you think this guy would like Pitbulls or Rottweilers or something, but nope. Also, I would kill for his jacket, it looks so cool!

Least Favorite Thing: This is difficult for me, I don't necessarily hate anything about his character (other than his hair, he's all you would be getting from me if I could draw his fucking hair). I guess that he's a little quick to choose violence, poor Chihiro (and Makoto). Definitely chapters 1 and 2 Fuyuhiko vibes.

Favorite Line: He has so many funny lines in the anime but I'm gonna stick to the game. Going through his voice lines, he's so fucking useless during the trials but he has a lot of funny back-and-forths with other characters. I like the one at the beginning of the first trial where him and Taka go back and forth a little bit. "Don't be a goddamn idiot. Why the hell would they raise their hand?"

BrOTP: Already said him and Leon for Leon's. I would love to see him interact more with Sakura and Aoi, though. Maybe they can teach him there are better ways to release your anger. Okay, maybe Sakura can teach both of them that lesson.

OTP: Ishimondo is an obvious one, absolute sucker for enemies to lovers. Though he mentions that he yells when talking to someone he has a crush on iirc and homie is always yelling so I am inclined to believe that he's had at least the passing thought of "oh, they're attractive/cool" with all of his classmates whether he likes it or not (bisexual struggles ig)

NOTP: Idk, I don't really like victim x blackened ships, so Chihiro, I guess. They can be besties, though

Random Headcanon: iirc in his graduation event, he tells Makoto he'll build a house for him once they get out, so I like to think he's a yes-man when it comes projects. You make an offhand comment about needing more storage? Bam! He's on your doorstep the next day with a homemade chest to keep all your shit in. His love language is definitely gift giving.

Unpopular Opinion: His and Rantaro's are going to be similar, but the butter jokes get old after seeing it constantly (admittedly, I am guilty for making these jokes when I first joined the fandom and I still make some out of habit every now and then). Jokes about his hair are always welcome, though.

Song I Associate With Them: I haven't thought about this too too much so these are off the top of my head. Bad Bad Things by AJJ, Achilles Come Down by Gang of Youths, and Shit by Bo Burnham

Favorite Image: I couldn't find it, but I think it's like a promotional art or something where it's just a bunch of characters sitting around, and he's just like patting Taka on the head. Very cute 10/10 (I pray you guys know what image I'm talking about). Also this one is so funny

Rantaro:

Favorite Thing: He's so cryptic, and it's so good. He doesn't give us shit in the time he's around (minus FTEs), and I love it!

Least Favorite Thing: I don't dislike anything about him personality or writing wise tbh. His side profile haunts my nightmares, though.

Favorite Line: I would go with the classic "You wanted this killing game, so you have to win no matter what" but instead I'm going with "I was just thinking, what you said back there would have pissed off whoever's running this. They definitely don't want us holding hands, workin' together...They're going to come for you, Kaede. With everything they've got. I'm a little worried about you. You're just so...straightforward." Rantaro is secretly the Ultimate Clairvoyant lol

BrOTP: Him and Kaede are mlm and wlw solidarity and you cannot convince me otherwise.

OTP: I don't really ship him with anyone, but I really liked his Salmon Mode with Shuichi

NOTP: Him and Tsumugi, hands down

Random Headcanon: I like to think he is constantly dying his hair. It's just a faded green because he hasn't been able to redo it for two seasons, and he's going insane because of it.

Songs I Associate Them With: I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire by Kerrin Connoly and Ship in a Bottle by fin

Unpopular Opinion: The fucking avocado thing. Like, I don't mind comparing characters to things, but it gets annoying.

Favorite Image: NO LOOK OUT

#danganronpa #mondo owada #rantaro amami #ask game #This is the last one in my ask box but I'm down to do more if anyone wants to send me some

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xxmeimeixx · 5 months

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✨Otorishipping ramblings✨ :

Pretty much named after Otori Mountain, where Kagetomo and his army were located. Everything about their relationship is purely built on headcanons.

Theme Song : “Achilles Come Down” by Gang of Youths. This is the only song I can think of. Mainly chosen because of the lyrics “Where you go, I’m going. So jump, and I’m jumping. Since there is no me without you”, perfectly fitting with Heidayu’s line of “I will follow Kagetomo, wherever he goes”.

Headcanons :

Kagetomo :

Had a few arranged marriages when he was younger to establish alliances between noble families, but never had any genuine romantic feelings. So he thinks he knows how romantic relationships work, then panics when he genuinely falls in love and realizes he has absolutely no idea how it works at all. He gets the hang of it eventually.

Someone who wears their heart on their sleeve.

Blush is very apparent, his entire face goes red.

Demisexual and demiromantic.

Heidayu :

Is secretly a romantic and avid reader of romance novels, always dreamed of someone genuinely loving him.

Blush is really subtle, only his ears go red and very rarely does his face get red.

Prioritizes the happiness of others before his own.

Touch starved, grew up military hardened. His previous experiences taught him that being vulnerable is dangerous, no one would ever like him as a person, and putting up a front will protect him.

Is used to being some else’s subordinate/support.

Dynamic :

Kagetomo :

Is open with his emotions, very expressive, and pretty easy to read. Heidayu finds it endearing.

Eventually musters up the courage to confess first.

A perfectionist who redirects his ambitions of being the village chief to being the best romantic partner.

Loves Heidayu for his patience, unconditional acceptance, and for who is as a person instead of a subordinate.

Love language is physical touch, words of affirmation, and emotional vulnerability.

Calls Heidayu “Daiyu”, “darling”, and “love”.

Heidayu :

Is emotionally closed off, hard to read, and usually has a poker face. He eventually learns to open up.

Was content with a life of unrequited love, eventually learns that his desires matter too.

Someone who puts up an emotionless facade due to a subconscious fear of anyone disliking what they might see of his real self and to prevent himself from being hurt emotionally.

Loves Kagetomo for wanting to know him as a person and sincerely loving every aspect of him. As well as being so open, finding bravery in making himself vulnerable.

Love language is physical touch, acts of service, and unconditional acceptance.

Calls Kagetomo “Kage”, “dear”, and “love”.

History :

Relationship during and prior to “A Festival of Decisions” was very trustworthy between a general and his right hand man, and somewhat of a close friendship. Heidayu had a one-sided crush on Kagetomo and settled on living life with unrequited love. Heidayu helped Kagetomo raise Kaiga when he was younger.

Romance ensues after the events of “A Festival of Decisions”, during their journey of rediscovering the world/themselves.

During their journeys alongside Reiko and Kaiga, the two realize they only know each other on a more surface level.

Kagetomo opens up to Heidayu more, who gradually opens up in turn. He’s surprised at how different of a person Heidayu is outside of being his right hand man and wants to know him more.

Kagetomo gradually falls in love, not with his right hand man, but Heidayu. He loves him for who he is as a person, not as a loyal follower.

Since Kagetomo is much more open and easy to read with his emotions, Heidayu becomes aware of his love being reciprocated.

Kagetomo confesses first, with Reiko and Kaiga’s support. The two are finally a couple.

Kagetomo is very nervous and anxious about his lack of relationship experience and how he might do things wrong, but Heidayu’s patience and compassion makes him more relaxed about it.

As a perfectionist, Kagetomo redirects his ambitions of being the strongest fighter and village chief towards being the best boyfriend.

As someone who’s always been emotionally strong and closed off, Heidayu learns that his happiness is also important and well deserved, as well as expressing his desires.

They eventually marry. Heidayu and Reiko move in with Kagetomo and Kaiga.

#pokemon #pokemon shipping #kagetomo pokemon #heidayu pokemon #kagetomoxheidayu #otorishipping #pokemonkalosninjasquad #my art

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metaphorical-love-for-a-car · 4 years

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Achilles Come Down-- Damien (WKM) x Reader

Prompt; Achilles Come Down by Gang of Youths

Warnings; slight swearing, bit of angst, nothing too bad

Word Count; 1.8k

Notes; not my best work because i have a ~brain injury~ but i couldn’t get this idea out of my head so i went ahead and wrote it lol

Your eyes fluttered at the sudden bright light shining from above. A gasping breath racked your chest as you instinctively grabbed the fabric covering your abdomen. It was dry, no trace of the hot, sticky liquid that it held mere moments before. With a moment of hesitation, you sat up to survey your surroundings. Your brows knitted together. You were sitting in an open field, surrounded by tall grass, but weren't you just at Markiplier Manor? A flock of birds startled you from your thoughts as they flew overhead. You watched them dip in twirl with the wind until your eyes landed on a more captivating subject. "Damien?" He faced the opposite direction, sitting quite a distance away. His head turned when he heard your voice. A smile crept across Damien's features, and he was quick to wave you over. You pushed yourself off the ground and made your way towards him. There was something... off. He was sitting on the edge of a cliff, legs dangling over the side. His hair was ruffled, and his shoulders were slumped. But you found your gaze returning to his face. His warm, loving eyes and his soft smile made you fall in love all over again every time you looked at him. He gently bumped his shoulder into yours when you took a seat beside him.

"I'm glad to see you here. Well, I'm not glad that you're here, but I'm happy to have you with me again." You raised a brow, and Damien pursed his lips. "What I mean is, I'm glad you're safe now. That's what matters."

"Where are we?" You glanced down at the dark waters splashing below. It appeared nearly as dark as ink, making its depths undetectable. Something about it unnerved you. You wanted to move somewhere else, but Damien appeared to enjoy sitting on the cliffside, where he could see the water. His jaw tensed at your question. He stared into the water. You placed a hand on top of his, hoping to calm some of the thoughts running rampant in his mind, but he stayed silent. "We're dead, aren't we?" A joking tone laced your words, but there was truth in them. You thought back to your last moments in the manor. You could have survived the gunshot alone if taken straight to the hospital, but you had little to no chance once you stumbled over the banister. Damien chuckled, finally returning his focus to you.

"You're not too far from the truth. We're sort of in-between realities at the moment. We're certainly not alive, but we're not quite dead either. It doesn't make sense. Hell, I'm still wrapping my head around it too, and I've been waiting here for you for a long time now."

"How long has it been for you? It was hardly an hour that I..." you faltered, struggling to find the right word, "appeared here after you vanished." Damien shook his head.

"Time passes much differently here. An hour out there could easily be a decade here." Guilt hit your chest like a bag of bricks. He truly waited all that time, just for you? Damien caught the sadness welling up in your eyes. He cupped your face in his hands, pressing a quick kiss to your forehead. "But that doesn't matter. I wouldn't trade a second of it because it means I now get to be here with you. Don't tell me you forgot our vows?" You couldn't help the laugh that escaped your lips.

"We'd always be there for each other, and if one of us died first, they would accompany the reaper until it was time to escort the other to the other side. Quite ironic, given our current circumstances."

"And everyone thought we were just being dramatic!" His comment brought about another round of laughter, easing the guilt from your heart. Damien got to his feet and pulled you up with him. He stared down into the water once more. "Why don't we enjoy the time we have here before we brave the other side? Let's go for a swim. " You followed his gaze with a grimace. The waves below were calm, but the water still seemed unwelcoming. Something in the back of your mind warned you not to trust it. Damien wrapped his arms around you, laughing. "Don't tell me you're scared! Nothing can hurt us here. We're finally safe." Your eyes widened as you heard footsteps approaching. Damien went rigid. Neither of you moved until the newcomer made a dramatic gagging sound.

"Look at you two so in love. It's so sweet it almost makes me sick," he deadpanned. Your jaw dropped. Mark was here too? Damien squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, biting back all of the words he truly wanted to say. You tried to move away from Damien to get a better look, but his grip around you tightened.

"Don't. He's not real," Damien whispered in your ear. There was a sense of urgency in his voice that made you freeze.

"Sharing secrets now, are we? That's not a very nice thing to do to a friend, especially when said friend was murdered," Mark whined. "Since we're in a secretive mood, I feel inclined to tell you that Damien is lying to you, (Y/N)." You glanced over at your partner, whose face had darkened. You could practically sense the smug smile on Mark's face. He took his time walking closer to the two of you, wanting to make sure that he held the spotlight. "You're not safe. There is no 'other side.' He's using you to revive himself and Celine." Damien cupped your face, forcing you to look at him rather than Mark.

"Don't listen to him. I love you, (Y/N). I'd do anything to keep you safe. You know that." Damien glanced behind you into the open water. He opened his mouth, but Mark interrupted him.

"How many times have you sought my counsel? How many times have I given you my thoughts? And when have I ever steered you wrong?"

"(Y/N), love, listen to me. I know you're scared, but we need to go. We're going to have to jump."

"Don't be dense, (Y/N)!" Mark shouted. "I know you hear those warning bells in your head. If you go into that water, you'll never come out again."

"It's safe, I promise. I'd never do anything to hurt you. We'll be in a better place." Damien's voice was filled with desperation. His eyes searched yours, urging you to trust him. You swallowed thickly.

"You'll be with me?" Damien offered you a comforting smile as he stroked your cheek with his thumb.

"Of course. Do you think I'd let you go alone? If you jump, I'm jumping. There is no me without you." You slowly nodded, and Damien released his hold on you. You finally caught sight of Mark. He was in his signature red bathrobe, and he was shaking in anger. What caught you off guard were his eyes. They were inky black and unforgiving, much like the water below.

"He's offering you acclaim and the taste of a new life, but he can't deliver. Don't waste yourself on this cliff, (Y/N). You'll be trapped in your own personal hell if you jump." You shook your head, standing by Damien's side. He took one of your hands into his own.

"I'm sorry, Mark, but I trust him. Even if you're right in the end, I have to stand by him. Love is a dangerous thing. I have to accept that." You looked at Damien and nodded. He counted down, and the two of you stepped off the cliff's edge. Mark stood above, watching as you both sank into the dark water. He shook his head, knowing what was to come.

The water seemed to suck all of the warmth from your bones as soon as you touched its surface. On instinct, you thrashed you get back to the surface, but you continued to sink. Panic settled into your mind. You couldn't get back up, and you couldn't find Damien. He let go of your hand once you both hit the water. Now, it was rushing into your lungs with a fiery burn in its wake. Your mind felt heavy and muddled. You could form a coherent thought. The last thing that filled your mind was regret.

You hit the tiled floor with a loud thud. Your eyes snapped open as a violent cough shook your whole body. You rolled over onto your hands and knees, coughing. You could practically feel the water all around you, but you were completely dry. You blinked, slowly becoming aware of your surroundings. You were in the manor's foyer, except everything looked a little dimmer. Sitting back on your heels, you inspected your hands. They had a slight translucency to them. Is this what the 'other side' was? Were you a ghost? "Damien?" you called out, getting back to your feet.

"Oh, good, you're awake. I should apologize. I didn't realize the process would be so... painful." You furrowed your brows, glancing around. It sounded as if he was standing right beside you, but he was nowhere to be found. You finally caught sight of the old mirror hanging on the wall Instead of showing your reflection, it showed Damien standing with an apologetic look on his face. You carefully approached. "I love you, (Y/N)."

"I love you too, Damien, but what's going on?" He sighed, avoiding your gaze.

"I'm protecting you. With Celine's help, I created a sort of pocket dimension inside this mirror, and we put your soul inside." You put a hand on your forehead, struggling to grasp the situation. "Don't worry! I'll be able to visit you, just as I'm doing now."

"Okay, but when can I leave?" Damien's face fell. He stuttered for a moment before finally going quiet. "Am I trapped here, alone?" your voice was barely above a whisper. Damien's eyes widened.

"No, no! Of course, not. You're not alone. As I said before, I'll be able to visit you through the mirror."

"Am I trapped in here?"

"I don't understand. I'm only trying to protect you-"

"Damien!" you shouted, tears flowing freely down your face. "Please, answer me." Your voice cracked along with Damien's heart at the sight of you. He nodded, looking away. You grit your teeth, suddenly overcome with anger. "You had no right! You didn't tell me this would happen. You told me that we would face the unknown together, but instead, you fabricated your own little birdcage for me to sit in for the rest of eternity."

"(Y/N), please-"

"No, Damien." Your sad laugh echoed in the empty foyer. You ran a hand through your hair, pacing. "What happened to always staying by each other's side?" you scoffed, "I should've listened to Mark. I shouldn't have jumped with you."

"I did this because I love you."

"Well, maybe you should have loved me a little less."

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sallyredd · 3 years

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Shades (A Regulus Black Character Study)

“Fatefully / I tried to pick my battles till the battle picked me” ~ Taylor Swift, ‘long story short’

“You crave the applause / Yet hate the attention / Then miss it, your act is a ruse” ~ Gang of Youths, ‘Achilles, Come Down’

Links: AO3 FF.net Wattpad

Regulus saw the world in shades lighter than his surname.

Black was the color of vacuity, of the merciless hole that devoured all and left a void in its wake. Black was the tone of decisiveness, of commitment, of choices and their consequences. Black was the simultaneous absence of light and iridescence of a rainbow.

Black was power, power of a voltage so high that it burned everything it touched--even the one who wielded it.

It hadn’t been a surprise, then, when it was Sirius who rebelled against the charred hands that reared the two of them. Sirius rose like a phoenix from the ashes, shone like a lantern that refused to be snuffed. Sirius was the brightest star in the sky. But given the right amount of pressure, the right amount of time, even that light could collapse into the cosmic chasm that haunted each of their very identities.

The night Sirius imploded was the night that Regulus became a painter. If light and dark could coexist in the same entity, if Sirius Black could fill up another household yet leave Regulus staring at the gaping mouth of a schism, if he could light up the world around him yet leave Regulus a black hole in his stead, then the world was not black or white. It was everything but.

There were times when Regulus felt a pull in his direction--quickly counteracted by the clutches of the vacuum in which he raised--thus remaining suspended in gravity, inching along the orbit paved for him. Regulus was not the brightest star in the sky; he was merely the brightest of his constellation--the so-called Lion’s Heart--and he was ironically terrified. He was not powerful enough to explode and leave his own Black legacy, nor would his radiance hold a candle to that of the rest in the eyes of skeptical stargazers. (How could he give to the world when he had spent his entire life drinking from a liquid that left him thirstier with each sip? No, his light could only ever hope to shine upon the hidden crevices of the world, upon those so undervalued and so in the dark already that even the smallest of sparks made a difference.) If ever he escaped, he would instead be a rogue star, wandering the outskirts of galaxies, the doorsteps of the home that he abandoned and the homes that would abandon him, and he would be drowning amid his undead conscience, amid all of those he had failed.

He would be alone.

#regulus black #regulus deserved better #regulus headcanon #sirius black #the noble and most ancient house of black #the noble house of black #black family #orion black #walburga black #character study #metaphors #drabble #marauders #marauders era #harry potter #hogwarts

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rose-sunlight · 4 years

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Achilles (Spencer x Fem! Reader)

Pairings: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Summary: Spencer is struggling to cope. Y/n has to come and talk him down

Warnings: Incredibly sad, Suicide Attempt, Existensialism, Death (kind of), Suicidal Thoughts, The Song “Achilles Come Down”

A/n: I wrote this very quickly, so excuse any mistakes! This gets very sad, very quickly, and is quite possibly the most depressing thing I’ve ever written. If you don’t want to be depressed, don’t read. There is a big trigger warning for Suicide Attempts and discussion around it, so if you are going to get hurt by reading, please don’t. Heavily based on “Achilles Come Down” by Gang of Youths

“Spencer?” That was Y/n’s voice. He let himself breathe in as he listened. If she was still here by the time he exhaled, it would prove a problem “Spencer? Spence, come down. Come down off the roof…please.”

Spencer’s feet were half on the roof, and half off, hanging in the wind like apples on a tree. He was tethered to life by his feet, half connected, and half…some other place. Spencer had always wondered what death would feel like, how it would taste. He’d even thought about after. What would happen if he went through with it.

“You’re scaring us, Spencer, and some of us in this world love you. It’s not much to hang onto, love, but it’s proof you’re so wanted.” That was Y/n’s voice again. She was as distant as before, but still in reach.

He imagined it in great detail; what would happen to his loved ones, where they would go, what they would do. Who would take care of his mother for the rest of her days before she joined him. He didn’t think much about what would happen to him. He knew the process of death quite well, but after death, he couldn’t see. He theorised about nothingness, just like falling asleep. At least, that was what his grandmother had told him in her final moments. She’d welcome him with open arms, if there was another place for the gone.

His nails clutched into his palm, and for a second, he couldn’t tell what was real and what was his imagination. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was his feet, his tethers. If he could break them, somehow…

“Just humour us, Spencer, and come down. Just get up off the roof?” She didn’t seem desperate. He could actually place where she was now. She was behind him, and there were more people. He could feel their tenseness, even if he didn’t turn to face his team.

“Go away, Y/n.” He murmured, hoping, once again, that when he exhaled, she’d be far away.

Instead, her footsteps came closer. “Remember when we were younger? We made a silly vow,” She stepped onto the ledge with him, just out of reach.

“Y/n!” Garcia yelled out, but was quickly hushed. Was she crying? Reid couldn’t tell, everything was muffled.

She was in his right ear, voice stern, yet still wavering. “Two stupid kids from Vegas. Can you repeat the vow to me? I know you can, Spence.”

Spencer waited a second. Of course he remembered their pact, it was spoken on December 3rd, the day his father left him alone to care for his sick mother alone. Y/n was there after, and promised to help as much as she could, “Where you go, I’m going,” Spencer said breathily.

“So you jump,” Y/n said, but became more determined, placing her feet in the same position to his. She had her own tether now. “and I’m jumping. Since there’s no me without you”

That was true. They’d been Spencer and Y/n before Reid and L/n; they’d never truly known a life without each other. But she wouldn’t dare follow him into the unknown, death was one of her biggest fears.

“If you want me to follow, I’ll follow. But you don’t want that, do you? Come on, let’s get up off the roof.” She coaxed, but he shook his head, raising both hands to his temples and flattening them, taking another shuffling step to the edge “No, no, Spencer, okay, look at me!” He didn’t look at her “Hurt and grieve but don’t suffer alone, we’re all here.”

He didn’t want an audience. No audience could ever want to see this. He wanted them to go, but he couldn’t find the words to fend them off. The war raging in his head was enough to drive the sanest man mad.

“I just want it to stop, I want to stop existing!” If he had the strength, he may have screamed it, but instead, he kept staring ahead weakly. It didn’t matter what the scenery around him looked like, he was focused on the floor below them.

“Okay, you might feel there’s no purpose or point for existing right now! Yeah, life is shitty at the moment! It’s all gloom, and she’s not coming back. There may not be meaning, but find one and seize it. Don’t waste your thoughts on this roof.” She said, but he could tell, like he could always tell, that there was fear in her voice. She thought he had the strength to step off.

“You’ll heal from this. You’ll only remember me for another couple years.”

Y/n was shaking her head. He could tell, because she had gone silent. She might’ve been crying too. “No. No I won’t. Because I’ll be with you. If you do this, if you jump, you’re not doing it alone.”

Spencer couldn’t keep her voice out of his head, as much as he tried to give up and give in. He wanted to drive her away, to scream and yell, but he was also afraid he would go through with it if she went. But he did want to.

“Don’t listen to those voices, Spencer,” She said, but her voice came as more of an idea floating through the air. “You’re worth more, love,”

“I’m nothing more than a rat in the gutter to them,” Spencer said, vaguely pointing behind himself, where he knew the BAU was looking tensely on.

“You’re so much more than a rat,”

“No one asked your opinion,” Spencer bit back, biting his lip until he bled, feeling the iron taste on his tongue. It was nice to feel something, even if it was bad.

“I’m just giving you my thoughts,”

“No one asked for your thoughts,”

“Spencer let’s be done with this now,” She said, and he could almost hear her footsteps again, stepping back from the ledge. “let’s get off this roof,”

Spencer didn’t speak. He didn’t even process what she was saying. Instead, he was fixated on the floor many stories below, a mixture of gravel and mud, somewhere secluded. He didn’t even remember how he got here, to this place. He must have ran out of work.

“Can you hear me, Spencer? I’m talking to you, baby,” She was further away now, back to where they started in this tactical dance they were playing. He took one step back, so that one of his feet was fully on the ledge. He took another step, and stumbled blindly back from the ledge, crumpling into a heap, sobbing loudly.

He sought out Y/n’s touch from where he was sure she was, only to turn and find no one on the roof with him. He only felt another person’s presence tens of minutes later, when Derek came bursting through the door and wrapped him in the tightest hug he could, kicking away the Dilaudid from his hand.

He remembered why he was on this ledge in the first place.

Where she went, so did he. There was no him without her.

Masterlist|

#spencer reid #spencer reid imagines #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid one shot #spencer reid x y/n #Criminal Minds #spencer x reader #spencer x y/n

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