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creedslove · 1 year

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DESERVE IT - PART TWELVE

Javier Peña x f!reader

Summary: you and Javi go on your date and that leads to other activities and some confessions too

Warnings: fluff, smut, oral sex (m!receiving and f!receiving), masturbation (m! and f!), ass eating (f!receiving) light spanking, nipple sucking, unprotected p in v, cum eating, to sum up i was horny for javi

A/N: I am so happy with how this story is going but also kinda sad it is coming to an end. I can't wait for their happy ending, besties ❤️

• PART ONE TO ELEVEN ON MY MASTERLIST

3.1k words

You ran home as if your life depended on it. You couldn't wait to get to your place, soak yourself in a warm shower and pick yourself an outfit. You were giggling like a schoolgirl and you didn't even care. After the talk with Messina, Steve and Javi himself you had never felt more sure of something, but now you did. You were going on a date with the man you loved, a man you began an unlikely friendship with and it evolved to a passion, unrequited at first, as you thought but later found out it was just as flaming as on your side. You two had gone through so much, it'd been only a year you had landed in Colombia knowing nothing than a few expressions in Spanish, and no one, but against all odds, Javi took you in. Of course, you were supposed to be just one of his many conquests, but you were honest, straightforward to him, and you admitted that if you hadn't been so hurt after your latest breakup you would definitely jump into his bed.

He took a liking on you, not only the usual liking he did when a girl was hot, but he actually liked you, and your voice, and your laughter and your brains and you got closer, until things went to shit, but that's history.

What mattered to you now, was that that whole cat and mouse catching game was finally over. Of course, there's a thrilling feeling about it, with it's ups and downs, it's tensions and certain moments, but in the end, it grows old, it gets tiring and all you wanna do is to be honest. And that was your moment with Javier. It was the beginning of something special, and the two of you could feel it. Of course, the ranch talk, the possible marriage, baby Peña, it all was some kind of inside joke, you never put much faith in it, though at the same time a part of you hoped really hard it would get to that point. But first things first, as you had told him, you couldn't plan a whole life without going on a date first.

It wasn't a big deal as you had already slept with Javier, but at the same time it was a big deal because Javi didn't take girls on dates, he fucked them and that was it, so if he was going to actually go through all those stages, it was because he had good intentions.

After your showered, you made sure to apply lotion, makeup and get your hair in a cute style, all so you could be pretty for yourself and mostly for Javi.

When Peña stepped inside the building, he was also in a hurry. He had to go back to the office and have a meeting with Steve, but all he could think of was taking you out. He would be lying if he said he wasn't excited, he didn't even remember when it was the last time he went out on a date, and that also made him nervous. What if he screwed it up somehow? Or what if you thought he was too old-fashioned… so many things haunted him as he felt the anxiety build up inside of him, but at the same time, a longing to see you, hold your hand and be seen in public with you was also growing. He didn't want to hide, he didn't want to keep you just for himself inside the doors of your apartment, but he wanted people to see his girl was beautiful, he wanted them to envy him and wonder how a guy like him could get a girl like you.

He wondered if you shared the same feelings or the same thoughts, and if you were also anxious. He also knew it was very recent and maybe even reckless to take you out literally a day after you broke up with your boyfriend, but Manu felt like a bump on the road and nothing more, it was like his participation in your life didn't even exist, besides, Javi and you had been dancing that tango for a long time, it was about time things got done.

He still stopped by a flower shop and got you a beautiful bouquet of red orchards. He didn't understand a lot about flowers, but he knew you found these pretty, and all the women in the world supposedly liked red flowers, so he figured it would be a good choice. He walked through the hallway and felt an urge to knock on your door, see what you were doing, what you were wearing - if you were wearing something at all and maybe initiate the date a little early. But at the same time, he wanted things to be classic, he wanted to follow the social rules and make you feel flattered. So he only smirked when he heard music coming from your apartment and got inside his.

Javi looked at himself in the mirror, he had tried several shirts before settling with his red one, and yet, he wasn't sure if he should go with that one. He wanted to look good, he wanted you to look at him and feel the same thing he felt when he saw you. Maybe it would match the flowers? Or maybe was it too red? He wasn't really sure, but he glanced at the clock and saw he was almost running late, so he just placed his watch back on, got his wallet, the car keys and went for your door, knocking on it hesitantly.

He looked around, hoping Steve wouldn't show up climbing up the stairs, or worse, Connie. He just wanted to get you out of the building and have a good night with you.

You opened the door on his third knock, you were just finishing getting your earrings when you finally saw Javi. He was standing there, looking like sin, with those tight jeans that hung so perfectly to his sexy body and that red shirt that made your core boil. You smiled big at him, leaning in and pecking his lips as you saw a blush spreading through his cheeks and he cleared his throat.

"Uh.. these are for you" he smiled softly and handed you the bouquet, which melted your heart. You weren't expecting it, but it was a very sweet gesture. He was just your sweet lovely Javi, there was no trace of that ruthless agent, or the guy who was a heartthrob and collected broken hearts and women around town. You loved that, because it was all for you.

•••

Javi was nervous.

And he was embarrassed about the fact he was nervous. It was crazy, he was on a date with you, the woman he loved and though you two knew that, it was still the beginning, you were trying to do things by the book, because you deserved it, but there he was, looking like a moron as he tried finding words to say.

He had drunk a whole glass of wine and still hadn't found something decent enough to talk about. Work? Los Pepes? Messina? Nah, he didn't want to bother you with it and he didn't understand why everything seemed easier when the two of you were just friends. It was like you didn't have that pressure, or maybe he was putting too much pressure on himself. He just worried you would snap out of the illusion being with him was a good idea and realize you deserved someone better, a better looking guy, someone who didn't have such wrong ways or someone who could actually make conversation during a date.

And as if you had been reading his mind, you placed your hand on top of his, giving him one of your reassuring smiles and chuckled.

"You're nervous, agent Peña…" you said sweetly and stroked his hand with your thumb "you know you don't actually have to be nervous, right? It's just me… your Y/N… your cariño" you blushed softly "and you're my Javi… and you don't have to try to impress me, let's just say you already won me over" you winked at him and watched as his shoulders relaxed and he took your hand in his big ones. His thumb ran across his bottom lip like it often did when he was thinking about something and he nodded.

"You're right, princesa… I was too worried about giving you a perfect first date, that I forgot we could just be ourselves" he admitted "I wanted you to see that I take you seriously, that I want you, for real, not just as a game…"

You thought it was adorable to see Javier like that, your heart was a melted puddle of love and affection for the man who stared at you with the biggest brown eyes you'd ever seen, seeking your approval and nervously hoping you were enjoying his company. If only he knew how much you loved him, he would know he was acting crazy.

Yes, you were excited about the date, but now that you were there, in public, holding hands and sharing a meal, you saw you were so much more than those vanilla couples who needed to go out once a week to remind themselves they were in a relationship. You were in front of Javier Peña.

You were in love with Javier Peña, and as far as you were concerned, Javier Peña was also in love with you, and there was absolutely nothing more you could ask from the heavens. So you simply moved to the chair next to his and hugged his arm, resting your head on his shoulder, loving how close he was and how close he would be, without you fearing him move away from you or push you away. He immediately softened up and lowered his lips, kissing the top of your head

"I'm just happy you decided to stay here, I know New York was a big deal but I promise I won't disappoint you and I will make your stay worthy" he said sweetly and your eyes met his, leaning in and kissing his lips.

Javier had the best lips you'd ever seen in a man, the way they just clicked perfectly with yours, being so soft and so smart, knowing exactly what they were doing, was something you would probably never get used to, and you loved every single aspect of it.

When you broke the kiss, your hand stroked his cheek gently, as your nose bumped against his softly, making the two of you giggle "I love our date, Javi… but I also know we are not an ordinary couple, we don't have to do what other couples do and it's fine by me…" you said as your hand went for his crotch, gently stroking it over his jeans as his eyes widened in surprise "we can just finish our night somewhere else, if you'd like, mi amor" you winked at him and leaned in, kissing his neck, lips just ghosting over his skin before you nibbled it gently.

Javi's tight grip wrapped around your fist, stopping your snoopy hand right there. He knew you could be one feisty little thing, but he didn't take you for that kind of tease… and he was loving it.

"¿Qué estás haciendo, mi amor?" He whispered against your ear as it was his turn to lean in and spread kisses all over your neck. You groaned and giggled, biting your lips before stealing a peck from him.

"I think we should go somewhere more private, Javi… like your car" you whispered to him and saw how his eyes darkened with lust and eagerness at your suggestion.

It only took him a few minutes to pay the check and you were soon inside his Jeep. You watched him drive, looking for a dark enough place to park, his handsome side profile already making you so hot and bothered because you could never wrap your head around the fact he was incredibly handsome.

You weren't sure you would be able to hold yourself back and ignoring completely any safety guidelines you began kissing his neck.

"Shit, baby?!" Javi groaned as he stopped the car abruptly, not being able to focus on driving and you touching him.

You giggled and slid your hand under his unbuttoned shirt. You felt his hot skin against the palm of your hand and knew you needed more. Your free hand went back to his crotch, his rough jeans were in the way and you were getting so impatient, you began unbuckling his belt.

Javi still hadn't found a decent parking spot, but he was so eager to feel you, he took his hand to your hair, stroking it softly as he couldn't get his eyes away from the road, but he also couldn't get away from your touch. You smirked and bit his neck harder, earning a ounce of pain from him and his arm running down your back, getting to your ass and giving it one smack

"Fucking slut" he said through gritted teeth and watched as you opened his jeans, his boner was so apparent your mouth watered.

"Javi, I wanna be your little puta, I need you…" you begged him, freeing his cock from his underwear and watched as he bucked his hips.

Javier groaned and cursed under his breath, you saw his tip glistening with pre cum, using your thumb to spread it all over.

Javi knew he wasn't going to be able to drive, so he just parked under a broken street lamp and gripped your hair.

"Wanna be my puta? Go ahead princesa, show me you can do it, muñequita…" he said with a tight grip on your hair, he was impatient and he didn't want teasing. You also didn't want to wait any longer, so you took your mouth to his long, thick cock, giving his tip small, little licks before taking his length down your throat as deep as you could.

His hand lifted up the hem of your dress, exposing your ass and caressing all over. He pulled your thin panties to the side and found the curve of your lips, running a finger up and down your slit, gathering your juices that pooled in your entrance. Javi threw his head back, your hand massaged his balls as your tight throat made him feel so good. His thick fingers got into your hot entrance and he pumped them in and out. He felt you squirm and the car was filled by nothing but obscene and erotic noises.

He wasn't going to hold back and let you know his hot load was coming, pleasure and bliss all over him as you willingly took all of it into your mouth and swallowed it.

He panted as you raised your head, you looked like a hot little mess for him and he could only pull you for another kiss, not caring if he could taste himself in you.

"Go to the backseat, querida" he whispered against your ear and waited until you got in position.

Javi followed you immediately, helping you get on your knees and hands and held your hips in place "now you're gonna be my puta, got it?" He whispered and smacked your ass a few more times, seeing the reddish shade spread but didn't give you enough time as he spread your cheeks and stuck his tongue into your cunt.

You whimpered at his ministrations, his tongue explored your pussy, going as deep as he could, finding your clit and suckling on it, feeling how your knees faltered but sustained your weight with his hand. His tongue moved up to your ass, touching your muscly ring and feeling it clench so sensitively at the unexpected stimulation.

"Javi" you could only whimper, but he shushed you, wetting your asshole and letting you relax, enjoying the new experience.

His hand found your clit, rubbing it up and down, feeling how hard it was and knew you were close. He shoved his fingers into you again, fingering you as fast as he could, thumbs taunting your clit and tongue into your sweet hole until you were nothing but a puddle of pleasure, shaking and cumming for him.

"My bed tonight" Javi said as he opened the door to his apartment and immediately pulled you against his body, kissing you hungrily as if he hadn't just fucked you in his car less than an hour before. He just felt such hunger for you, the way you put your dress back on in a sloppy way, not caring if your panties got lost in the backseat of his car, or how you couldn't stop touching him. How your hands wrapped around his cock in your beautiful bloody red nails and how you swallowed every drop of him. He just couldn't get enough of you, your post orgasm messy hair, your beautiful smile and your intoxicating perfume.

He loved every part of you. And he wasn't scared of admitting anymore.

"I don't think I'll make it to bed, Javi" you bit your lips, and went for another kiss, his arms wrapping around your body as he lifted you up and took you to the couch. He didn't want to wait anymore, as much as he loved to be in your mouth and have your taste on his tongue, he needed to be inside of you. He wanted to feel your walls squeezing and milking him dry, he wanted to cum inside of you. He didn't even know if you were on birth control, but he didn't actually care, he just wanted you.

Javier got on the couch, pulling you to him and touching your body, getting lost on you. He finally stripped you out of your dress completely, revealing your beautiful breasts, perky nipples that went straight to his mouth, licking and suckling on them, at the same time he helped you lower down onto his cock, loving how your soaked cunt took every inch of him.

He held you by the neck, having a firm grip on it as he watched you ride him, as if you were the most gorgeous piece of art in the world.

Javi threw his head back, hips bucking as you moved up and down onto his cock. He praised you, cursed under his breath, he wanted you whole for him, at that moment and forever.

He felt his balls quivering and the knot on his lower belly tightened as much as yours did too and you knew you were cumming for him again at the same time he came for you, his thick hot load spilling inside.

"Te quiero, Y/N" he whispered against your lips, kissing you once more, never getting enough of you. "I love you cariño" he whispered.

You smiled and tiredly rested your body against his, feeling a wave of happiness and pleasure ran through your body

"I love you too, Javi"

_____

A/N: besties, I know this isn't my best chapter, i just have the feeling I could have written it a lot better but at the same time it was the best I could actually write today, idk i had a weird, tiring, stressful day and to top that my head is killing me. I am just horny for Javi and I hope you guys liked this part at least a tiny little bit of it, because our series is almost over now 😭😭😭

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atxxzist · 9 months

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broken | c.s (final)

prev // series m.list

pairing: choi san x reader

word count: 13.5k

warning: nothing i can think of but lmk

"you did it once again!" arin squeaks, the excitement in her tone louder than the overwhelming joy you're feeling, only able to stare in awe at the sight before you.

your picture right under the employee of the month for the second time in a row.

"i guess i did," you reply, a confident smile resting on your lips as your chest drops in relief.

it took a lot of time and so much work in order for you to come around and accept the idea that you are good at what you do. that every compliment wasn't just because they pitied or felt bad for you, but because you genuinely deserved it.

it took even longer to come to terms with the fact that despite growing up the way you did, your youth filled with absent parents and a home and family with no love, you are so much more than that.

you are so much more than the traumas and broken pieces in your life, and you're not just a weak, timid girl with a haunted past and a wounded heart.

even if your parents didn't love you, and the only boy who you gave your heart to broke it, those things doesn't define you as much as the belief and faith you have in yourself.

all the sessions of sitting in your therapist's office, crying, spilling your soul and guts out, and trying to believe her when she'd tell you none of it is your fault, whether your parents or the romantic partners you had.

it's worth it because you came out so much better in the end, your mindset almost completely rewired to the point you can't believe how vulnerable you once were.

how, you used to believe every lies so easily, it flying over your head and always giving people the benefits of the doubt when they didn't deserve it.

always such a pushover and so fearful, unconfident at anything, it's hard to wrap your head around the fact you lived for almost nineteen years without medication or guidance when you were on edge and close to breaking down at all time.

but regardless, you did it. you got help and unlearned some, and then had to learn a lot so you could be the person you are today. no longer doubtful of yourself and your abilities, and unwilling to let just anybody step all over you.

it's that mentality that got you this far despite also still being the very same girl from five years ago who's still naive in some ways, and with so many more things to learn and overcome.

"y/n," arin calls, sneaking half her body into your cubicle with a stack of papers in her hold, prompting you to spin the chair around to face her.

"the team's going out to eat after work. it is our treat to you."

"sounds good," you reply, pleased by the offer you wouldn't ever deny. "see you in about 20?"

"yes." she bobs her head. "we're getting barbecue, by the way."

life had been an array of ups and downs, everything not always smooth sailing and hitting many bumps on the road here. from you and yuna joining hands together in making a children's book with her being the illustrator but unable to commit to the idea, to getting ignored or rejected the first 40 or so applications until someone finally found your resume impressive because you didn't want to just rely on other people.

no matter how good yuna's offer was, talking about how she could get you a position in her uncle's company and how bad you wanted to take it because it would've spared you the stress of having to search for a job yourself, you knew you couldn't.

you wanted to earn it and be proud it was through your own efforts.

the rejections humbled you in some ways, and made you stronger in others, stopping at nothing until you finally got the first email that you've been accepted by a makeup brand as their content writer.

the brand, velvetie, had only been out for about a year by the time of your employment and was still fairly small and experimental. now, the brand is known for their lines of lip tints that are labeled soft, smooth, and long-lasting by reviewers, the creations only getting more popular by days as it's just now being praised by actors and idols alike.

you didn't at all imagined this to be the job you'd wind up with, nor did you think you'd turn out liking it, the creative writing degree and your history speaking for itself, but you're happy where you ended up and happy to still be writing in general.

the marketing team you're in, a small but comfortable circle where you've come to love and grow fond of the people you're working with, sharing the same space for a few hours a day and understanding all too well the struggles of meeting deadlines or running into a creative dry spell.

arin, who you're closest to and have known the longest, is who you met in your last semester of sophomore year after making the mistake of taking calculus as an elective while she was taking it as requirement for her business major.

besides the obvious hatred for calculus the two of you shared, it was unusual how quick a friendship came to blossom, never in your life have you felt such a natural bond to anyone. not even mingi, you've already told that story countless times, how it took awhile.

but it was so easy talking to her, your reserved and hesitant personality the perfect one to her more outgoing and friendly nature, you two clicked instantly, it was crazy.

she not only became one of your best friends, but also a part of your everyday life.

"you're completely drunk," you comment, finally pulling your friend's butt off the seat when everyone else finally left.

she hurls out a groan and leans on you slightly, her alcohol breath incredibly intoxicating and is the sole reason why you often rethink the choice of saying yes when you hate taking care of a drunk arin.

"i'm good," she attempts to say but her words are slurred as she tries regaining her balance and striving a few steps forward but you're quick to assist her again because you know she's gonna fall.

"come on, let's get you a cab," you say at the same time walking out with her sluggish body, stopping just right outside the restaurant.

"no. let me go home with you."

you raise an eyebrow at your friend, her head on your shoulder and appearing unconscious but the response just now registering her more aware than you think, because you know the girl, and you know she won't ever pass up the opportunity to visit her boyfriend.

a few months ago when you finally made the big decison to move out after sharing a tiny apartment with mingi for over a year, you had no idea that the new place, a modern-esque two bedroom apartment, would be under the same building as arin's boyfriend, and just right down from the hall to be precise.

you've met him a couple times and of course, he's handsome and wonderful and treats her just right, but you definitely did not apartment hunt with him in mind, so what were the chances.

at least for arin, it made everything all more convenient. her boyfriend in one place and her best friend just two doors down as she'd hop from one to another like it's halloween.

but in spite of her protests along the shared ride because you also shouldn't be driving, your conscious tipsy, you tell the driver to pull up at her place, not at all concerned about the abandoned cars because you'll just pick it up tomorrow, with the restaurant and your workplace a walking distance.

"but the dinner tomorrow, you're still coming, right?" your friend turns to you, her lazy eyes squinting as she awaits an answer.

"yes. we'll talk more about it tomorrow."

you insist on helping her walk to the door, afraid she might hit the cement before she'll even make it, but she assures she got it. still, you watch through the window as she fiddles with the keys until unlocking and disappearing inside.

once you're home, all you want to do is hit the bed. maybe put on a show in the background and just doze off to it, but you have to wash off the sweats and grime of today; get cleaned up and dry before settling on your mattress comfortably.

the ding from your phone you've placed on the nightstand after going the entire day of being on silent is what grabs your attention, your neck snapping to the lit-up screen, checking the bundle of messages you missed out on.

4:43 p.m.

kwak yuna: guys! florence is so beautiful!

kwak yuna: *attachment*

song minGi: beautiful for sure, but would be even better in person 🙄

kwak yuna: i told you guys that we should take a trip and i'll pay for half of it, but y'all always too busy to do anything 🙄💅

song minGi: yeah cuz we have something called being poor & have to keep up with jobs and responsibilities. we don't have mommy's and daddy's limitless money to live off of

kwak yuna: stfu 🖕

song minGi: 😜

lee minJi: he's so jealous fr

song minGi: that, i am. i too wish i was in italy rn

jeong yunho: but we really need to catch up soon. how does seoul sound in about a month from now?

kwak yuna: i can do that. starting to really miss home anyways.

jeong yunho: yeah, me and minji can make a trip there as well

song minGi: sounds good to me. now, we just wait for the other two, which is gonna be a good few years

jeong yunho: y/n has her phone on silence during work

song minGi: and yeosang's too good for the rest of us

jeong yunho: pfft

you giggle and roll your eyes the entire time reading through it, checking the latest message that prompted the notification and seeing it was from yuna.

it only makes sense given it's probably still early for her because of the time zone difference.

9:51 p.m.

kwak yuna: no one cares but this is the outfit i'm wearing for today. it's almost 1pm and i'll be heading to the gallery soon.

kwak yuna: *attachment*

song minGi: you're right, no one cares

y/n: in about a month sounds good to me, and seoul sounds even better. i won't have to do any traveling lol. also @ kwak yuna the outfit is super cute! i love the beret! 💕 and @song minGi you're literally annoying 🥱

song minGi: omg jumpscare! she's here to yell @ me

y/n: yessir

kwak yuna: omg y/n! hi!!!!

y/n: hi 🤭

y/n: had my phone on silence and then went out with my coworkers after. but yes, i miss you guys a lot. let's crash at my place next time!

kwak yuna: yes! i'll bring the booze!

song minGi: make sure it's the expensive kind

y/n: that's it, guys. have to sleep. goodnight! 🌙

before you go to set the alarms and really turn off your phone for the night, you catch just a glimpse of mingi's and yuna's conversation, the brief mention of yeosang before it all turns to fun banters again.

of course, most of the works were because of your own efforts and determination in wanting to get better. but the process would've been so much harder had it not been for the friends and support by your side.

the ones who believed in you when you didn't even believe in yourself, and the ones who gave you words of encouragement one after another, and was just there for you through it all.

a few years ago, you didn't think it was even possible to be without mingi or yunho. without their guidance or assistance because then you'd feel so out of place, lost, and completely confused.

but now, you're cities apart from them, and is surviving and doing absolutely okay.

they were so happy when you told them about arin; how alike but also different you two are, and how comfortable everything is with her, because they could rest assured that when they were no longer by your side, you'd be in good hands.

but even if without arin, they had faith in that you could do it by yourself. you'd grown so much within the past years and had no doubts you'd be fine.

they knew they couldn't be with you forever. not all the time at least. eventually, dreams and ambitions will take one of you from the others until you're all in different places one day, and they wanted you to be ready for that.

and it did. yunho sooner than mingi because as soon as he graduated, he followed his heart and moved to busan with minji, his girlfriend, and has been there since.

mingi on the other hand, lived under the same roof as you for a little over a year, attempting to do something with his psychology degree and earn his teaching credentials before moving back to the quiet town to be closer to his parents. he missed them.

who would've ever thought that out of the three, you would be the one who chose to stay back in the bigger city of strobing lights, loud commotions, and a big population when you were anything but that once upon a time.

so you're all in different places.

not just mingi and yunho, but yuna also traveling the world just like she dreamed of. traveling the continents so she can see the beauty the world has to offer; replicate it in her arts and visiting galleries and museums for more knowledge and inspirations.

you're happy for her.

the only person still in town is yeosang, but even he's not entirely reachable, if at all. he's the least active in the group chat and you can't recall the last time you had a proper conversation with him.

he's incredibly busy, you understand.

last you heard, he's juggling the tech job he got during his senior year, along with his master's at seoul national.

you knew someone like yeosang was always destined for greatness and his current standing doesn't fall any short of it. that he was always meant to go to a competitive university and get offered a great job because he's truly gifted and exceptional.

unable to dwell on any more thoughts, you close your eyes and let the weight of today take over, falling into a deep slumber.

waking up and getting ready for work is a repetitive routine.

first, making yourself a nice cup of coffee before getting dressed up and doing your hair, grabbing all necessary files and anything essential before calling a cab because you left your car at the company's parking lot yesterday.

the company's building is mostly in white, the only splash of other colors is the logo in pink plastered right at the front for everyone to see as they enter.

you swipe your id card and head upstairs to your designated working space, surprise to see arin already at hers before you.

"morning," she coos, her early tone friendly as you pass by her cubicle.

"morning," you reply, voice still tired and drowsy to a point, but your friend's perfectly fine appearance has you questioning, "hangover?"

"nope." she shakes her head. "i'm surprisingly fine, and excited for the dinner tonight. i hope you haven't forgotten."

"i haven't, because you've only reminded me like 50 times."

she giggles, a satisfied smile on.

"okay, good. i'll see you during break."

"so what exactly is this dinner about?" you ask your friend, seated in the break room right across from each other, the question stopping her from shoving a sandwich down her throat.

the entire week of her bringing up the 'dinner' event and annoying you with it, she never emphasized on what exactly it means. and dinner in the presence of her boyfriend and his apartment, to be exact.

"i don't understand why you'd want to invite me? i mean, shouldn't you guys be spending time alone?" you add on, confused.

"shhh," she shushes you, index finger at her lips and swirling out an exaggerated sigh, "you don't need to know anything for now. just get dressed up and get pretty, okay?"

she ends it with a calming smile, diving right back into her food as you stare at her with daggers.

you swear, if this is another of her attempt at setting you up on a date, you're so not gonna forgive her for it. it will be the third time, to speak.

the third time that you'll have to explain to her why you're not interested and why it didn't work out with you being completely married to your job and just not ready for the next step.

that no matter how fun and exciting the idea of a double date and hanging together is, it is not a priority for you. at least for now.

nonetheless, you get ready, throwing on a casual enough off shoulder ruffle dress that still looks presentable and like you at least tried, along with a pair of flat sandals.

you think that maybe, there's a chance tonight you're all just gonna eat dinner, probably play a game or two after and even catch a late night movie because arin just wants to hang with her boyfriend and best friend.

that you've drilled it enough time in her head that you're not looking for a romantic interest for her to know to not try to persuade you.

a text from her telling you to come when you're ready is what gets you up from the couch, checking your hair just once in the small mirror before heading down the hall and placing two knocks at the door.

your body and nerves still calm one second, and suddenly the next when the frame comes apart to unveil the person behind it and standing before you, you second guess if you're at the right place and time.

if this is some alternate universe where you're seeing things, or if reality is really so cruel to put you through this.

you've come so far and thought you had conquered most of your fears and hauntings, but all it's taking for your palms to start sweating again and feet with the urge to run to safety, is one of your past showing its head and waddling back into your life.

he's as equally surprised and confused, staring at you like he didn't expect this as well, and time stretches on when you two just gawk at each other like a dramatic scene from a movie.

his appalled expression as his eyes enlarges is disgustingly endearing, and you hate the way your body reacts to it.

hate that he looks even better than the last time, his hair now more refined and there's something more mature and manly about his style.

he's in a suit and no longer looks like a college fratboy that enjoys breaking hearts just for fun.

hate that you haven't seen him in practically five years and everything still feels so familiar; all his features so instantly recognizable that you can still imagine the way his lips feel on yours, and how cute dimples would pop out of his cheeks when he smiles.

hate that everything's coming back all at once; when time used to stop and when it was still hard to breathe.

when a beating heart was usually followed by swarm of butterflies in your stomach that you haven't felt in years, and now the sight of him in front triggering the sensation once again.

and you hate the fact that no matter how much pain he had put you through, or how many times he had hurt you to the point you were so sure you were over him, there's a certain fondness you have for him and a special place in your heart that reacts with familiarity.

it feels like the world stopped spinning and everything in the background turning blurry just for the few seconds you two meet again for the first time, although it feels like forever.

"hey, y/n!" yeonjun's voice snaps you back, your gaze skipping over san's shoulder to your friend's boyfriend and you loathe it even more that none of it is a mistake.

that you didn't just happen to wander into the wrong apartment or something.

that the universe is really so unfair and cruel and setting you up for the worst by crossing paths with san again.

"come on in!" he ushers, his tone happy and excited the way you know yeonjun always is, him and your friend completely ignorant to the bubbling tension between you and the boy still standing before you.

you just nod in return, san moving out of the way awkwardly as you finally step in and roam the interior as if you haven't already seen it, trying your best to focus on anything else but the person raising the hair at the back of your neck.

the closing of the door is heard the same time yeonjun switches to introduce you to one another, and you both just humming and bowing with acknowledgement.

act as if this is the first time meeting each other. as if there isn't a history that played a signifcant part in shaping the two of you in becoming the people you are today, and now landing in this situation by some odd twisted fate.

arin and yeonjun just laughing off the awkward and bumbling exchange, brushing it off as no more than two strangers new to each other and moving it to the dining table.

"let's eat first. perfect opportunity to learn about each other," your friend speaks, and all that is going through your mind is which is worse: sitting next to san or across from him. you think the latter.

but the former isn't any better with arin and yeonjun watching the both of you like hawks, unaware that the reason you're both not speaking to each other isn't because of shyness or unfamiliarity.

but they do notice something isn't right; that there might another reason up in the air why the both of you can barely look at each other.

yeonjun with how bold and confident san tends to be, the boy always approaching everything so smugly. and arin in the entirety of knowing you, never had seen you look so tense.

she wasn't gonna do it at first. knows and understands how much you've been telling her it's never gonna work out, the two guys she connected you with from before ending in complete disaster.

but she just couldn't help it this time when her boyfriend started talking about his friend he met in the states finally flying to korea and will be staying with him for a couple of days.

and she especially couldn't help it when she learned he's not only incredibly handsome but also single.

she figured she was doing you a favor, but by the look of your face and body language right now, white in complexion like you just saw a ghost, she thinks you're totally gonna yell at her for this.

"i uhm, i gotta use the restroom," you speak up, lying through your teeth and san can't even blame you for it, honestly even relieved you're the one to initiate.

you wobble the entire way to the bathroom, your legs shaky and your stomach starting to become upset but your chest dropping slightly when you sit on the edge of the bathtub, glad to just be away.

you were doing so good. you were.

you hadn't thought of him in forever and now he just shows up out of nowhere, not even just as a stranger, but as the friend of your friend's boyfriend?

what sick joke is reality trying to play on you right now?

"y/n?" arin's sweet and concerned voice calls from the other side as you attempt to gather yourself to face your friend. tell her why you can't be here and make up something in hope you can leave.

"hey," you say lowly after prying the door open, a forced smile on your lips which arin doesn't buy into.

"you okay?"

"i'm alright. i just... don't feel so good right now," is your excuse, just praying she doesn't start questioning now, because you're not exactly in the time or place to explain everything between you and san.

all the heartbreaks and betrayals, and why you cannot stay here any longer or you'll really break.

"do you want to go home, or?" she's the one to bring up the idea, and you're thankful because you didn't want to be that person.

didn't want to have to break it to her and end the night so soon given how much she's talked about the day, and all the planning and preparation that yeonjun must've put in.

"yeah, i think it's best if i do," you answer, guilt present in your eyes, "i'm sorry i couldn't stay any longer. you guys probably worked hard on dinner."

arin snickers and shakes her head, the reassuring smile on her helps in dissipating some of the guilt.

"don't worry about it. you go ahead, i'll tell yeonjun."

she isn't gonna fight you on it. not when she's never seen you this way, coming off uneasy and absolutely troubled, she's gonna have to get down to the root of it tomorrow.

but for now, she just knows you need to be away.

you barely manage to make it to the door the stealthiest you can, bidding a weak goodbye to yeonjun and zooming out that instant, the frame shut right behind you and your shoulders dropping from the built up suffocation.

you proceed to your apartment, pushing past everything with a thumping heart until you're sitting at the edge of your bed, going on to do the one thing you always do when it's just all too overwhelming--

"mingi, you're not gonna believe this."

you can hear his protests of groans and sighs from the other side, so in character of him because this is usually his nap time.

"i just saw san."

the commotion is loud, the shuffling of body as he sits himself up and tries regaining conscious just to make sure he's not tripping out.

"you're forreal?" he remarks, sounding a lot more awake but still unconvinced.

"yes. he's yeonjun's friend and i don't even know how the fuck they knew each other or why he's here. all i know is arin needs to give up on trying to find me a date," you say in disbelief, recalling the last guy you went out with who left you feeling extremely disrespected and insulted after, and you thought the next one couldn't possibly be any worse.

"wait. so let me get this straight. you two met again because you're friends with arin and he's friends with yeonjun, and arin and yeonjun are dating?"

"yes."

"and yeonjun and you just happen to live under the same complex?"

"well, yes."

"what in the soulmate fuckery is this?"

"pfft," you scoff, throwing your head back into the soft mattress in frustration. "more like a curse. i was doing so good, it's been so long since i'd just... straight freeze up and chicken out, and that's exactly what i did."

mingi churns out a low hum, "no other way else to do it. what? you were gonna shake hands and play catch up with him? asked him what he did after he fucked you over and broke your heart?" he quips.

"well, no," you reply, reframing from growing irritated at your friend for his snarky remark during a time when your ovaries are about to explode. "i just thought i would've handled it a lot better. it's been five years and i haven't thought of him in so long, but one sighting of him and i'm already starting to question all the progress."

the recollection of earlier so vivid, you can almost feel the same sensation of shock and confusion as it numbed your entire body, just standing there like a little deer caught in headlights.

as if time throwing you back to the age of eighteen, still so easily starstruck and defenseless when it came to the charming boy who knew all the right things to say and do but never meant any of it.

who, told you right in the face he didn't want you--which was probably the only time he was being sincere.

last you heard, he had left the country. you didn't know where to exactly, but knew that he left.

you remember hearing about it from mingi the first time, that strange melancholy washing over at the news even though in theory, you should be happy.

mingi said he debated on telling you, having heard it from a friend of a friend, but succumbed eventually because he thought you would like to know, despite the pain and hardships san caused you, there's a part of you the revelation would bring relief to.

you won't have to worry or fret about accidentally running into him anywhere and go through that stage of grief all over again. and most importantly, it might in some ways, make the healing process easier.

"y/n," mingi snaps you out of it, that stern accent in his voice that indicates he's about to go off, "just because you're experiencing strong emotions again doesn't erase all of the progress you've made. you've seriously come so far, so don't undermine it."

"of course you're gonna feel some types of way at seeing san again. you said it yourself that he's someone special because he took so much from you. what matters is how you handle it now, and i know my y/n won't even give him the time of day or entertain his ass, right?"

you take in mingi's words and he's absolutely right. you're overthinking and giving yourself too little credits when you know that there's no way--

"right?! bitch, you better answer."

you roll your eyes.

"i love the faith you have in me," you say sarcastically.

"girl, i love you but that was a rough time."

because you lied and betrayed him the most during your time with san, and now, you just let him make all the jokes and snarky comments he wants. you're all over it.

"no but forreal that was actually kind of eye opening. if this teacher thing doesn't work out, you should totally go back and expand on that psychology degree."

he blows from the other line and you can picture an unamused expression on his face.

"nah, fuck that. i'm done with this school shit for life."

you let him ramble some more about why, no matter how much he enjoys the subject, the life and longevity of being a professional in the field just not for him (or the extra years of schooling) before he brings it back to the initial discussion once more.

and you promise that you won't fold so easily and pathetically ever again in the face of choi san.

you're familiar with how sometimes, by strokes of bad luck, you'd just be having shitty events happen one after another in a single day.

well, you're not gonna risk it and let it be this day, the top of your head peeking out to check the hallway before your entire body is scuttling into the elevator not taking any chances.

fate is already so cruel in placing the man who broke your heart and all, just a few doors down, and if it wanted to smack you right in the face with his chest or broad shoulders, it would've had you not left so quickly.

arin isn't there when you set foot into the office, her cubicle vacant and you continue to yours, sitting down to login and access your email, looking through the files the other team had sent of confirmed products that are soon gonna be launched and on the website a few months from now.

"good morning," your friend's greeting make you turn around, a sweet smile on her face like always, but yours still holding that same silently petrified expression of yesterday.

"hey."

her heels clink the carpet tiles walking closer, brows creasing into a look of sympathy as she asks, "you feeling any better?"

you nod, a barely audible hum leaving to accompany.

"should we talk about it? at lunch?"

because as much as you don't say, she knows there's something in your throat dying to just get out, and she's as equally curious to know.

"after work. we can grab something to eat."

you just don't think it's possible to summarize it all in thirty minutes; the history between you and san, and why you slightly want to pull her hair out because her boyfriend just has to be his friend.

it wasn't her fault, of course. but you're still kind of mad she tried playing cupid again and found the worst possible candidate.

you consider arin one of your best friends and she's told you on plenty occasions the same in return, but you did meet her after everything.

your fall from grace, that is, and quite possibly the lowest point in your life. so it just never came up, despite the impact it had on your growth, you didn't exactly expect you'd have to explain to her why her boyfriend's friend makes you want to hit your head against a wall.

"what? no way!"

your friend's embarrassingly loud volume echoes the whole restaurant and you have to deliver a kick to her leg under the table for the girl to calm with a light flush on her cheeks.

but you suppose there's no other way to react; finding out you too, were in love once and isn't completely the anti-romantic she was gonna write you off as.

"yeah..."

"i'm sorry. i truly am. from now on, i won't do it anymore," the girl swears, having seen it enough for herself at this point how her schemes despite having good intentions, always brings you the worst luck.

and though you've barely just scrapped the surface with san, your reactions were so strong when you saw him again, there's no doubt the guy put you through some fucked up shit.

"it's not like you knew or i ever told you, but yeah, it would be nice for you give up this whole matchmaking gig. you're horrible at it," you tease your friend, a laughter bubbling out when she rolls her eyes in response, quick to jump right back into asking questions.

"but you're okay now?"

"yeah. it's been years. just the shock of the first meeting in so long, i guess."

she nods, her mouth clamped shut because she does feel a little bad even if she didn't know, thinking the chances is crazy.

"he won't be here for long. as far as i know, it's only for a couple days until he finds a place or move elsewhere," she assures, bringing up what she heard from dinner last night because it might make you feel better.

"oh," is all that leaves, not that you're not relieved to hear it, but because there's something else you want to ask. questions lingering in your mind ever since 24 hours ago when you saw he was back.

it's not that you care, but it's really more out of curiosity.

"do you know how yeonjun and him met? or why he's back?" it slips out either way. but he could've been around for a while--the country at least, and last night was just when you so happened to see him.

"they met back in the states, when yeonjun was studying in new york. he haven't told me a lot about it either but i'm guessing it's something to do with his dance studio."

ah, so that's where san moved... new york.

"i see," you simply reply and leave it there, unwilling to ask any more or show the slightest interest in san's whereabouts even if you are intrigued because you know how much yeonjun lives and breathes dancing.

he even managed to open up his own studio, and you may not know a lot about san now or how much he's changed, but you remember his answer whenever you'd tell him to pursue his interest.

you never thought you'd see san and dance in the same sentence ever again.

you try to not let the threats of him distract you, but you still can't help but watch your back and surrounding everytime you leave into the hall, so fearful you're gonna smack or run into him and be left with nothing but the choice to face the ghost of your past.

you're not gonna let him have the power he once had over you, but that doesn't mean you're not dreading seeing him.

he's always been perfectly sculpted and too handsome for his own good, the last few years turning him even more menacing in terms of appearance, it's annoying if anything.

it doesn't have the same effect it used to, your eighteen year old self would've fallen to her knees and make an offering, but now, you can admit he looks good and just move the hell on.

but you still don't want to see him.

a few days of sneaking and hiding around like you're a spy in some undercover movie, you think you've officially lost your mind.

that maybe the universe's done enough damage and has taken a backseat, all your fear and paranoia all for nothing because there's no way you're gonna have to face san.

there's no way that on the day you finally decide to let your guards down and admit you're being overdramatic that you're gonna--

the sound of a door opening just as you close yours pick your head up in that direction, and out of every neighbors it could possibly be, of course it's san because why wouldn't it be?

he has a trash bag in one of his hands just like you and you can't help but to curse yeonjun's name for not taking out his own shit.

the world once again stops spinning and time stands still as both of your gazes burn into each other, his slightly hesitant eyes to your dull ones, just hoping he gets the fucking message.

that it's gonna be fucking awkward and since he still has his door opened, he can go the hell back in. act like this never happened because under any circumstances, you're not gonna talk to him.

you're also not gonna go back in now that it is what it is. you've already come so far and it's been years, it's about time you show than just tell.

show that he no longer has a hold over you and that you're not gonna cower like the once timid person you were.

you start by breaking the staring contest, straightening your posture and begin walking, not bothering to spare him another glance even as you pass right by him.

that it's more than enough signs and he'll just let it go. but it's san after all, and why would you ever expect him to do anything right?

"can we please--"

"--no," you cut him off so fast, his words more triggering than predicted and you can't really believe he's even trying.

"i know that--"

"i don't want to hear it!" you finally turn to him, all kinds of anger and disbelief coursing your face as tears threaten to pour and making your eyes red.

don't want to hear about the heartbreak and lies all over again; how and why you're not the one, and relive the miserable days once more.

"i don't care what you have to say because i don't want to hear it," you go on, voice and legs trembling but persisting nonetheless, "what happened between us is over. it ended, so i'd like it if you can keep it that way because there's nothing else to talk about."

and with that, you're walking away. you don't bother to wait for his response and you don't care to, but the silence protrudes until you hear the door shut behind.

"so you're not even a little bit curious in what he has to say?"

"no."

"or what he's been up to?"

"why the fuck would i be?"

"because you gave your pussy to him and he made your heart flutter like no others."

"what the fuck, mingi," you hiss into your phone, "weren't you the one preaching about not even giving him the time of day?"

"no no, of course, fuck that guy. i'm just saying that if he has something to say, aren't you just the slightest bit curious what it is? don't you want to hear about how pathetic and miserable he was during the time apart, or how sorry he is?"

you raise an eyebrow, replying with a perplexed but definite "no."

"okay, i'm proud or whatever," he says nonchalantly, and you can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not.

"there's no need to hear him out and even if he is sorry, i don't care. i'm over that shit and i'm over him."

"yes! so don't let me find out otherwise," he snarks, and you hate that he can't be serious for a second unless you two are at each other's throats and about to start yelling.

"you're annoying. bye."

you hang up, throwing your phone aside and eyes glued to the white ceiling that suddenly has such an entrancing pattern.

surely, you don't care. what he's been up to the past five years, or why he decided to come back.

there's also no reason to hear him out; the last conversation between the both of you more than enough to sum it up. he's hurt and used you beyond belief and that's that.

“i-i just feel like you never tried enough. maybe i’m not fond of who you are currently, but i could learn to–”

“please don’t make it any more harder than this, y/n. you don’t get with someone hoping you can learn to tolerate them… that’s not how it works.”

“you’re a nice girl, y/n. you really are so sweet, and i can see myself with you someday…” he says with a distraught look you will forever remember given how his words make your heart thump, only to then shoot it down, “but not right now…”

you cringe at how pathetic you were, so desperate for his reciprocation as if it was the sole thing keeping you alive and breathing.

but you've been fine and haven't moped about him in probably three years, so you will continue to be fine, whether or not you'll really hear from him, all the things he's been waiting to say.

"any plans for tomorrow?" you casually ask arin during break, your focus on the laptop and skimming through the drafts you've written, you don't catch the very moment she just freezes up tight-lipped.

"i'm going to see a movie," she answers.

"oh?" you nod it off, unsuspecting to the tension uprising and going on to ask in a cool tone, "what movie?"

it's not like you want to be invited; you and arin are perfectly fine being apart and doing your own things from time to time, but it's lunch and it's where you and her usually engage in topics and conversations of all kind just to pass time.

"the new superhero one." she lets a few seconds go by before adding, "with yeonjun."

you freeze in position then, though missing her nervous and anxious tone from before, it all makes sense.

she's gonna be with yeonjun, and with yeonjun comes someone else. she was afraid to bring it up; knows almost everything between you and san by now and knew you were most likely to reject the offer to go to the movie if he's gonna be there.

even if she loves going to the theater with you, the rants and comments after about what you both loved or hated the best part of the entire experience, but she was afraid.

"oh, i see," you dismiss, relaxed tone and a smile like it doesn't affect you. "heard lots of positive reviews about it, you guys are going to enjoy it for sure."

you try not to let the thought bother you for the rest of the day, but it does.

not of arin because you know she's sweet and kind and even asked again before she went home if you're okay with it, and you assured her you are.

she and yeonjun can't possibly cater to you and san just because you both happened to have some intertwined history they weren't even aware of beforehand.

no. you can't stop letting san fuck with your head. surprise?

can't stop overthinking and being spiteful that he was the one who fucked you over, yet you're the one having to accomodate while he's still shameless after all these years.

so he still has some effect on you, but you bet they're not the ability to summon butterflies or make you pink in the cheeks, maybe just red in the face.

because on top of learning to not let everyone step all over you, you also picked up on how to be a bit of a bitch. not your proudest accomplishment but a much needed one for survival.

you shouldn't have to step aside for him, tell him you don't want to talk, or run away as if he's the plague. it's been years, you said it yourself, and there's no reason to not hang with your friend or go see a movie you're interested in just because san is gonna be there.

you roll around in bed until landing in a comfortable position, eventually going to sleep with the thought.

"are you sure?" arin asks once again, the soft concerned accent in her voice.

"yes."

you've made your mind overnight, that you're not gonna run or cower. he no longer has ownership over you and you're gonna go see the movie.

"alright. if you really are sure, pick you up at four."

you get ready around three, do your hair and dress up a little just to look somewhat presentable and wait until there's a knock at the door, arin having texted thirty minutes ago you'll all be going in her car since the theater is closer to the complex.

somehow, you're not dreading or feeling even the slightest nervous at having to share a car ride with san or spend two hours at the cinema with him just a couple seats down.

when you do see him out in the hall, his freshly showered hair still wet and he has on a matching grey set of joggers and hoodie, his hands buried inside the pockets of his pants as he lasers you a look of surprise.

he didn't think you'd come because you most likely knew he's gonna go.

the ride down the elevator and most in the car thankfully drowned by arin's and yeonjun's constant chattering, talking like they're never gonna run out of topics.

but it makes the situation all more better and less awkward considering you're sitting in the backseats with san, but your attention out the window the entire time, mind either occupied with their conversation or the low volume music.

"y/n, i heard you got employee of the month again."

the call of your name pulls you away and to yeonjun's eyes as he looks over his shoulder before he blinks and turns back.

"ah, yes i did."

your friend has a habit of telling other people your business, but in her defense it's only because she wants to show you off since you're so great--taken by her word for word.

"arin's told me a lot about your writing," he casually adds, seconds before your friend starts doing what she does best.

"she's the best!" she squeals, and you have to hold back a snicker.

"how'd you get into it? your friend hasn't told me that part, shockingly," yeonjun says, amusement in his tone and taking the chance to tease his girlfriend.

"i--" you start but arin beats you to it.

"she started with a journal or notebook first, i think!"

you don't know whether to find it annoying or endearing, your eyes rolling but lips pulling into a smile.

"yeah," you let your friend have it, but the smile soon fading when you can feel the pair of eyes on you burning from the side, though you won't dare check it for yourself.

you also won't tell them why you started it in the first place, or how much the boy sitting next to you played a part in it.

"we're here!" arin announces, pulling into a parking space.

going to the movies also follows a routine; purchasing the tickets, getting a drink and popcorn if you're up for it, then going to find your seats.

san is seated next to yeonjun, and you next to arin, your eyes occasionally batting from the screen to your friend as she passes comments to her boyfriend when she'd have something to say about a scene.

the situation all too relaxing and calm, just exactly what you need for your mind to destress and just focus on what's happening; whether the characters' motivations or the great worldbuilding.

no need to worry about anything else, your stomach and chest still relaxed, nothing like the situation after the premiere that constricts the both of them as a wave of uneasiness wash over.

now regretting not following after your friend and just lying about having to use the restroom as well, because if you did, you wouldn't be stuck waiting in the hallway with san.

he's standing a feet from you, you can't really tell. but your gaze is nothing but trained on the restroom's doors wishing for either arin or yeonjun to finish fast enough.

but at least you're both kept company by the exit of other people leaving their auditorium, and the ones trying to find theirs.

you think you've done enough of a good job in letting san know you don't want anything to do with him, especially when it comes to compromising or making amends.

that he'd get it by now you don't even want to talk. after this, you both can go back to living separate lives and put on the act of not knowing each other the way it's been.

"congrats on getting employee of the month."

the voice makes you shudder, the reaction you want to give bordering annoyed and angry.

"i already told you i don't want--"

"i know. i know you don't want to hear any of it, and i won't try it now. but i just really wanted to tell you that because you deserve to hear it."

you fume through your nose, not wanting to have to look him in the eyes or give into his attempt at starting a conversation, but you can feel him looking you down, if the uncomfortable ting from the side of your face means anything.

"thanks, but i've heard enough from others to know i deserve it," you reply, your delivery sharp and straightforward, and san can't help but to smirk at that.

he knows he doesn't deserve to be heard; get the chance to explain himself and all the mistakes he's made because then it would be unfair to you.

calling them mistakes would be downplaying all the hurt and pain he's put you through, because at the time, it was his choice to make them. his choice to deceive and lie to you when he never had any sincere intentions.

he isn't proud of them, but that was who he was, and he owns up to the fact he was so horrible back then. undeserving of sympathy, affection, or being loved, and yet, you still gave him all three with your entire heart.

he can't say he deserves it now either despite some life altering decisions and soul searching, but he can say he's less of a shitbag to some extent.

still, your forgiveness is something he don't think he'll ever rightfully deserve.

another thing still the same is how much he likes everything about you, and seeing you again after all these years; after how much you've changed, he might like you even more.

no longer the soft spoken and afraid girl always holding back, but now with a sharp tongue and snippy attitude that speaks her mind.

who, different from the last time he saw you years ago, has on a new distinct style to complement the woman you've become--your hair always perfectly curled at the tips, your makeups more bold and edgy, and you don't shy away from showing any skin.

you walk around with more confidence without coming off arrogant, san still able to see the sweet and kind girl even through all the changes because that will always be who you are at the core--someone too easy to fall for and like.

"i have to apologize for the inconvenience, but just one more day and you won't have to worry about running into me anymore. i'll be staying somewhere else until i get approved for a place myself," he announces to utter silence, you standing there and not knowing what to say.

when the tense air stretches on, he speaks again, "also, i hope you'll be willing to hear my apology out even if just once. not for me and all my excuses, but because you deserve it. that's all."

you open your mouth, another dismissive comment about to slip about the wrath of being arin's and yeonjun's friends unavoidable but a buzz in the pocket of your jeans cut it short.

your eyes widen and lips pulled into an amused smile at the person who finally texted back, san catching the displayed name just right before you put it away at arin's return.

kang yeosang: hey, i'm so sorry for not answering sooner. i keep knocking out after school or work 🤦 but i'm doing great actually lol, and i hope you are too. would you like to meet up tomorrow? i'll finally be off and will have some time.

you've been here a couple of times, the cafe with a warm toned brown as its primary color, and menu and size two times bigger than the smaller one back at university.

you don't come often, but you do always feel welcomed. the aesthetics pleasing to the eyes and the staffs always friendly with warm smiles.

yeosang is seated at the corner, a small two person table, and his smile at the sight of you also makes you feel so warm.

"hey," you greet, pulling the chair as you take a seat.

"hey," he returns, unable to help the giggle that follows after, finding something so amusing about finally seeing each other again after four months despite being the only two still in the same city.

there's not a lot about him that has changed, except he's risen higher than any of you, but he's still just as handsome, welcoming, and obviously meant for bigger and better things.

but with yeosang, it is always so pleasant and safe.

in another reality; an alternate universe somewhere out there, you think yeosang might've been the one for you. even if he's too perfect for his and your own good, you'd come around to the idea that you do deserve someone like him.

someone who was such a mystery at first and had you believing he was the biggest asshole to walk the planet only to completely prove you wrong.

someone who showed patience time and time again that he was willing to wait, because he had so much love and sincerity to give if you were to accept his heart.

it was the perfect enemies or friends to lovers, and oh... it would've been so beautiful. it was quite close to the kind of fairytale love you always imagined; something too unrealistic and borderline delusional, but yeosang was real and ready to make it happen.

you never did give him your heart, though there was no rejection or denial. it just happened...

he waited for you, never pushy or pressuring, always so understanding of the fact you were healing and needed time. admitted to having a 'little' crush on you and whenever you were ready, you could consider.

you kept it in thought, then a month turned into three, and three turned into six, then a year, and suddenly you realized you had put it on the back burner for two years already.

it's not that you didn't like him. of course you like him, but you just weren't sure if you liked him like that.

so when he started acting off; not cold or indifferent, but actually smiling more and his head always somewhere else, it all made sense when a new face started to show at the pc shop on the regular.

yeosang met someone else.

and truthfully, you couldn't be any happier for him, because he deserved someone who wanted to be with him and who will love him in that moment.

every time your two best friends asked why you let a man of yeosang's caliber slip right out of your hand, you were never able to give them a definite answer, unsure of it yourself.

you guys were great friends and meshed so well together even without all the budding romance, and you didn't see why that needed to change--you suppose.

you had assured him it was all good and fair, that it is so natural for feelings to develop and for some to die out, especially over a long period--he needed to just go for it.

you like to think you earned another lifelong friend, even if he's busy most of the time and you'll be seeing each other at most only four times a year.

"want to order something first?" you suggest, quirking an eyebrow.

he hums with a nod, arms crossed in a relaxed manner.

you both order no more than two cups of americano, the taste of the black style coffee something you used to dislike because of the lack of sweetness, but yeosang got you growing fond of it after a while.

"how's everything?" you start again, "the job? school? other things?" you let just the faintest smirk cross your lips, much to the mirth on yeosang's.

"i want to say good but it's all really just a pain in the ass. the job and school, that is."

you snicker and he does the same, your frame slightly leaning over the table before passing a comment, "at least other things are going well."

"yeah." he smile. "but school will be over soon and that'll be that. the lead in my department likes my work enough so hoping for a promotion around the corner."

"you'll get it. for sure."

you both thank the waiter after the drinks' arrival, one of your hand fidgeting at the handle of the cup watching as he takes a sip.

"but i'm excited to be seeing everyone else the next month or so," he says, his turn be the one to watch.

"me too. we'll do karaoke, play stupid games, and maybe just drink a little."

you were also never great with alcohol but you've built more tolerance for it over the years given how your friends are.

"yeah, a little," yeosang quips, and you both giggle, knowing it's never just a small amount with mingi and yuna before they'd want everyone else to get as equally wasted.

"and you? anything new?" he asks, much to the fall of your expression as you begin fighting with yourself internally.

decide on whether you should or should not tell him of the tragedy that struck just a couple of days ago; the one that sent you five years back and to a place so dark.

but it's yeosang, and he will understand. he always does.

"i uh, i ran into san again," you break it sharp and quick, his relaxed face and posture tensing up.

"oh? what the fuck."

"yeah. he's friends with arin's boyfriend and it's an unbelievable amount of fuckery."

"thought he was being a dickhead somewhere else, and not in the country," yeosang takes a jab, always squeezing in the opportunity to do so, because he really does think san is such a horrible person.

he don't know how much the man's come to grovel, but for one to act like that and hurt another the way he did, it takes some malice at the core.

"he did meet her boyfriend while somewhere else," you enlighten, the fact not one you're happy to know about or tell.

yeosang quiets for a second, asking hesitantly, "did he tried talking to you?"

you nod, much to his expectation.

"yeah. but i shot him down the first time, and the second... i don't know. we talked but he didn't try apologizing or anything."

“also, i hope you’ll be willing to hear my apology out even if just once. not for me and all my excuses, but because you deserve it. that’s all.”

"and do you want him to apologize?" he asks, his voice stern and serious.

you freeze up at the question, all this time talking so big about not wanting to hear from san or whatever because he's hurt you enough, but you really don't know.

it's been years and you've moved on, but you do acknowledge the part of you that reserves a special place for him; him who was your first love and was once something you held on a pedestal.

"it would take a lot more than an apology for what he did," you answer, lacking just the smallest confidence.

"no, of course it's gonna take more than an apology. he did a lot of shitty things to you, but you shouldn't hear him out for the purpose of forgiveness, but because it's the least he can do for the hurt he's caused you. the apology isn't about him, but you."

yeosang's words stays with you for the rest of the day, and it doesn't get any better--mingi's also comes back as a haunting, making you turn and toss in bed.

“so you’re not even a little bit curious in what he has to say?”

“no.”

“or what he’s been up to?”

“why the fuck would i be?”

“no no, of course, fuck that guy. i’m just saying that if he has something to say, aren’t you just the slightest bit curious what it is? don’t you want to hear about how pathetic and miserable he was during the time apart, or how sorry he is?”

then what san said back at the theater also makes a reappearance, each of them taking turn to mess with your head and rethink: are you okay with never knowing what san was gonna say?

maybe it isn't gonna be as deep or remorseful as you hope, but he very clearly wants to say something to you, and you have to make a choice between finding out what it is or live your life with the mystery in mind.

you hate to say it, but you think the latter might be more painful, your mind always so itching and curious.

you might need to talk to him tomorrow, for just one last time.

you wake up way too early for your own good, not even urgent to get ready for work for another hour.

but you need to talk to san. make it quick and over with, then go on your own way like it's been.

you're barely a step out, the door not even closed yet when you can feel something under your slipper, glancing down to see you've stepped on a white envelope... addressed to you and from san, the date almost from a year ago.

you open it, seated on your couch and with a racing heart.

dear y/n,

i am finally writing this letter. i’ve sat down many times attempting to do so, sometimes barely able to get through the first line and sometimes i’ll read the first paragraph i wrote only to throw it away, completely unsatisfied. but it’s been four years–at least at the time that i’m writing this–that i’ve last seen you. four years since we saw each other and we probably won’t for a very long time, if ever.

it would be a miracle for me if i was to ever cross paths with you even just one more time, but it would be a tragedy for you because i’d like to think fate wouldn’t be so cruel to put you through that. so i write this letter with the thought that you would most likely never see it, but i did promise myself that if fate really is that cruel and we were to cross paths again, i would give it to you. it’s a bit selfish of me, but it’s because i know the chance of ever seeing you again is close to none. but it’s also everything i’ve ever wanted to tell you; say to you. i want to apologize sincerely, even though it’s a little too late. in a way, this letter is also an outlet for me and my thoughts.

it’s been about a year since i’ve graduated and around this time of the year, i always get a little sentimental. could be because i’m so far away from home so it’s only natural, but i know it’s because it’s summer and i tend to associate the season with you. we did a lot together and you opened some parts of me i couldn’t say or admit at the time.

you would always used to tell me to just try whenever i didn’t see the worth in doing something and i honestly just dismissed it because it sounded silly and quite cliche. i thought it was ironic coming from someone so shy and timid who always looked at the world with so much fear in her eyes. now, i’m starting to understand the amount of courage it must’ve taken you to even go out of your comfort zone. i realized, i was so much of a coward in comparison despite thinking i was the hottest shit at the time.

i always ran, but you never did. i was so scared of anything new and unfamiliar but you always faced them even when there’s a likely chance of failure. i treated you like shit and you still wanted to love me. i think about it often… why are you this way? but i won’t ever know because i never put in the efforts to get to know you beyond what you could offer me. you always asked about me but i never did the same in return.

if i could redo everything, i would want to hear your story. i would love to read anything you write. i said i would, but i never did.

i’m in the states, i’m sure somewhat and somehow you probably already know that (or you probably don’t because you don’t care anymore, which is fair). i left right before the start of the second semester during sophomore year. it was a big decision for sure, but i needed the change. things were already getting stale and repetitive, and you know me… i am not one to stick in one place for too long. i will always run, and so i ran to the states to live with my sister.

other than the fact i was born there and half of my family resides there, at that point, there was nothing left for me in korea. i didn’t have much to lose if i were to fly across an ocean and start anew.

wooyoung had already cut contact with me by then and any friends close to genuine i’ve ever had were all from associations with him. soon after, i realized anyone i still talked to were all phonies who i only hung around during parties and stupid rendezvous, with the exception of jongho. he got into yonsei, by the way. if you didn’t see him pestering you on campus, you probably already picked that up. he sent me a message a few months ago to come back and attend his graduation but i told him to fuck off because he didn’t attend mine either. good for him, though. he’s a smart kid.

but yeah. wooyoung’s a good person even if he grew up privileged. it’s what makes him such a people magnet. he was the most genuine friend i’ve ever had and the one who stuck by me for the longest. i really took him for granted and it only hit me when i lost him.

you are fortunate to have someone like mingi and yunho who seems very protective. i was a little scared when wooyoung warned me about mingi because he threatened to knock me out if he ever sees me. he’s much taller than me, so i don’t doubt it.

i know i sound miserable so far, but i am actually doing pretty okay… unfortunately. you probably don’t want to hear that and wish i was suffering, but i’ve suffered for maybe two and a half years before i finally felt somewhat content and okay, if that will make you feel any better.

the states is different and the people are as well. i’ve got to experience a lot of new things for a change.

when i transferred, i still didn’t know what to do. the clock was ticking and there was only so little time before i had to pick a field. i ended up going into dance performance, and of course i thought of you. when i found a passion for it again, i thought of you. and when i graduated last year with a fine arts degree, i thought of you… all because i knew you would be the happiest to hear about it.

whenever anyone asked me why i don’t want to come back home, i would always tell them what i told you: because there’s nothing left there for me. but one of the biggest reasons why i didn’t want to come back was because it reminded me of you too much. that, coupled with other factors, just makes it so much harder for me to want to return. it feels like reopening old emotional wounds that i have no one else to blame for but myself.

but my junior year, i met someone named yeonjun because we shared the same major. i get nostalgic sometimes because he often reminded me of wooyoung. speaking of wooyoung again, i sent him a similar letter but in email form a while ago, though not as long, and he said he was happy to hear from me again. i wasn’t sure if he was going to reply at all because it was an old email and i assumed he probably wanted nothing to do with me and that was official. but he replied pretty fast and said if i ever returned to korea, he doesn’t mind catching up. he went into business and said it’s something he actually really enjoys.

yeonjun is cool though, and like a less annoying version of wooyoung. he was also a transfer but had been here longer than i have. he met his girlfriend online who’s living in south korea and so after he graduated, he went back right away and said he was going to attempt to open his own studio. just about a month ago, he called me and said it’s almost done and he would be recruiting. he wants me to come back and help him and i’ve been giving it some consideration because i’m not doing much here back at the states either.

i was hesitant at first, of course. all for the reasons i’ve already stated, but all i ever do i run and even i’m growing tired of it. no matter how many bad memories the place holds, it is still home and my motherland after all.

anyways, i apologize for rambling. the letter is getting way too long, but my point is, i might’ve started liking you at one point. not in the casual way that our relationship was, but actually really like you. i don’t know. now that i’m older, it’s true that the love you’ve given me was something i was not ready for at that time and age. and now, it’s everything i wish i have. funny how time really does change a person.

i hope you are doing good for yourself, and i’m so sorry if you ever get the chance to read this letter.

– choi san

you don't even register you're crying despite the burning in your eyes until a lone tear stains the last page.

your heart and emotions so conflicted but also whole, unable to help the warmth and love that wraps your body even for just a moment.

because san felt something. through all of the lies and deceit, there were some sincerity, because an even bigger question you had all these years was whether he ever meant any of it.

when he kissed you, fucked you, and looked at you, you always wondered if there was something else behind his actions--if even the smallest of liking you--not for what you could offer him, but for being yourself.

your weakness always having been too easily touched and moved, particularly when swayed by the name of choi san that you're already at yeonjun's doorstep with the letter still in your clutch.

your beating heart still loud but ready to face him with everything.

"oh, hey."

it's yeonjun and he's both surprise and happy at the sight of you, but definitely questioning of the puffy red eyes.

"i-is san here?" you ask in the most vulnerable tone he's ever heard from you, raising an eyebrow in return.

"he left just a while ago."

yeonjun doesn't get to interrogate the reason why you're asking or is at his door so early in the morning looking like you just had a breakdown, only watching in silence as you scuttle into the elevator.

you don't know how long he's been gone exactly (you really should've asked), but there's a chance he might not have gone far; you might still catch him if--

you thought you were prepared and ready, but when you actually see him, your body just kind of goes into shock.

he catches your nervous gaze, so scared before but relieved the instant he sees you--standing up from where he was waiting as you walk over.

the lobby still with some people and their chitters, but the air around both you and san so thick with a silence that you're desperate to break.

"yeonjun told me you left a while ago... i thought you were most likely gone," you speak, so shy and nervous all of a sudden, but determined nonetheless.

"yeah. i-i was going to, but i told myself if i don't see you within the next hour, then i'll really go. forget all of it."

it might be the first time he's ever stuttered in front of you, your heart once again somersaulting knowing he was waiting for you.

"oh..."

as much as san's gotten better, he will always be a little selfish. he knows he absolutely does not deserve your forgiveness or even to be talking to you, but you are someone special to him.

someone he didn't even think he'd get to ever meet again unless by some miracle, and for it to actually happen, it must be some sign.

that he at least need to try and fight before completely giving it up. just one hour, and if you didn't show, he'd let it be. take that as an answer and leave you alone forever.

"w-where are you going to be staying?" you attempt to carry a casual conversation.

"wooyoung," he answers, mouth forming into a smile you love all too much. "he said i can stay for a month before he'll kick me out."

you giggle and he does so, too, your eyes meeting momentarily as another silence fly by.

"i got your letter," you finally say, the one thing that was sitting on your chest so heavy.

he only nods, posture and everything about him so awkward, because it is.

admitting to your own fuck-ups is never easy, and especially when those fuck-ups messed with the lives of people. he is ashamed and embarrassed, to say the very least.

when he doesn't say anything, you try again, only getting as far in your sentence at the first "i'm..." before the emotions get the better of you--the crack in your voice and the waterwork.

san's hands are on you that instant, his hands wiping at your tears, and you think you're going to cry even more at the proximity; he's so close and it feels so wrong.

"i'm... i'm just so happy," you let it out, your gaze holding his and at the way he softens, you think you could die.

not just that he's incredibly handsome, but it's always been so easy to fall for him and want to give your all. like you can understand why your eighteen year old self wanted him so bad.

"i'm so happy that you liked me then," you finish off, a tad dramatic but thankful there isn't a lot of people in the lobby so early in the morning.

"i still like you now, y/n," he replies almost immediately, so much passion and sincerity in his voice, because he wants you to know that. he does like you.

"i was so stupid and immature and a complete dick. i am still a lot of those things, but god... you were amazing. you still are. and i had it so good and took it for granted. i just want to say, i am sorry... for everything. i already wrote it in the letter, but i want you to hear it, too, that i truly am so sorry."

the way you look at him the entire time too endearing; something he used to hate. your gaze always so attentive as if he holds the stars in them.

your lips are slightly pouting and if he was the man from before, he would've already kissed them. take them for himself and not care whether you wanted it or not.

but he already swore that he will no longer be crossing boundaries or doing anything just for his own self fulfillment.

you're about to say something but is cut off by the ringing of his phone, greatly saddened when he takes his hold off your face to fumble his pocket, taking a single glance at it.

"it's wooyoung. probably to complain because i told him i would be coming like twenty minutes ago."

you nod in understanding, mumbling, "you can go."

he exhales and looks down at you.

"i know this wasn't the best time and place to talk, but... if you want, just if you're okay with it... maybe we can talk again another time? no pressure, of course."

he waits for the stoic expression on you to turn into a smile as you respond with a soft, "i would love that." pausing just before adding, "my number is still the same."

"got it," he says, trying the hardest to hide a smile you can still see. the both of you just waiting in spot after because it's hard to leave.

"are you still gonna come visit yeonjun?" you suddenly ask, much to san's amusement, he can't help the smirk.

"yeah."

"okay, cool," you reply nonchalantly, acting the most aloof as your eyes shy away from his.

"then can i also ask you something?"

"go ahead."

he clears his throat, taking the shortest pause.

"are you seeing yeosang?"

you pinch in your brows at the question, puzzlement all over your face before breaking out a chuckle.

"no."

and if you are to ask him, he probably will never admit to the uneasiness ever since he saw yeosang's name pop up on your phone.

yeosang's a great guy and a perfect fit for you, but dare he say it, san would be heartbroken.

"okay, cool," he mimics you, eventually rubbing at the back of his neck, "gonna head out then. i'll see you."

"yeah. i'll see you."

you watch as he disappears into the distance, sparing another glance at the letter still in your hold, only shaking your head going back up the elevator to get ready for work.

damned choi san and the hold he still has over you.

a/n: dksdskdjfksi it is finally over!!! truly ty to everyone who stuck around even with all the bullshit bc i couldn't make up my mind half of the time. i did the yeosang girlies the dirtiest but believe me when i say we were SO CLOSE to a yeosang endgame. if anyone is interested in that, i would be happy to respond in an ask or reply. but they did have so much potential, i'm sorry sdlksijdkjsdl

again, ty 4 reading and have a wonderful rest of your day/night! onto better things, we go.

taglist: @sorryimananti-romantic @revehosh @cookiechristie @avantalem @atiny68 @sannwa @shibera @mochibabycakes @justineasian @eastleighsblog @baguette-atiny @crimson-mia @yeosxxx @sleepychimm @atz-diary @diorwoo @naiify @becauseiloveyunho @damagelove @softie00 @s-nsanshine @atinytinaa @moonseonghwa @lemontreefantasy @wooyoung4eva @yeosangsbiceps @likexaxdaydream @knucklesdeepmingi @barbielibra @tmtxtf @brown88 @harusoraa @frankenstein852 @yujispinkhair @mermaid17venus @nolxverlikeme @writersun @kkayfan @wooyoungjpg @galaxypox @byunniebaekhyunnie @vixensss @interweab @svintsandghosts @moonchele @atinyluv238

#ateez angst #ateez x reader #san x reader #choi san x reader #san angst #ateez series #fic: broken

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coloradocharmiegirl · 8 days

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Chapter 42 here -- New 5/27/24

Summary:

Armie heads up the mountain with his crew, while Timmy focuses on training and figuring out a way to feel worthy of Armie again--intent on making the transition from guest to contributing member of the household by the time Armie gets back.

Excerpt:

Timmy pulled into the parking space at the training center, shifted into park, and turned off the car. He saw the metallic blue key alongside the other keys hanging from the ignition, but unlike the nervous excitement he’d felt seeing the key on the morning of their two-month anniversary, now he only felt nervous. Armie was out there, somewhere, fighting the fire whose smoke filled the air, even here, a couple hundred miles away on the other side of the Continental Divide. The sun glowed orange in the sky through the smoky haze–a constant reminder of the peril Armie could be facing.

Taking notice of the shining blue key once more as he pulled the keys from the ignition, Timmy took a deep breath. It was hard to believe that it had only been four mornings ago that he’d sat right here in the parking lot and stared at the key, convincing himself it was okay to make the leap of faith and move into Armie’s house. And yes, he still ended up in the house, but under such different circumstances.

What a difference those four mornings made.

But things between them would be okay… were okay–maybe even good, if the last few conversations were any indication.

Welcome home, my love.

Timmy could see Armie’s words, penned in elegant script. Armie wanted him in the house, hadn’t stopped wanting that, even in the face of Timmy’s insane assumptions and ridiculous behavior. He’d refused to take his key back, even as Timmy was kicking him out, and thank fuck for that. The universe had granted him a second chance, had smoothed the bump he’d so stupidly built in the middle of their road, and Timmy wanted with all his heart to live up to Armie’s idea of the house being destined to be their home. And honestly, now that Timmy was there, he never wanted to leave.

And if it is to be my home, Timmy reasoned, I need to get with the program and quit being a guest.

Or start from the beginning here

Hi everyone! I'm back, faster than I have been lately (it hasn't even been 6 weeks!) Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

Also, I'd be really grateful if you would do me a favor and reblog. My posting schedule isn't really a schedule and hasn't been for a while. I can use all the help I can get in letting people know a new chapter is up. Thanks so much! 💙💚CCG

#charmie fanfic #charmie #charmie ff #doctor timmy #fireman armie #charmie fic #rescue me

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neverevan · 5 months

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Fuck It Friday ☔️

I was tagged by @theotherbuckley @wikiangela @daffi-990 @diazsdimples @disasterbuckdiaz @exhuastedpigeon and @jeeyuns MWUAH 💛💛 and imma just no pressure tag @malewifediaz and @spagheddiediaz 🫶🫶

The (mud)flow is back babyyyy. It's still a bit choppy but we are getting there phew! And since I've got the ball rolling again, here is a somewhat longer snippet from the mudslide fic that comes directly after this one.

He whipped his head around where he’d last seen Bobby stand and made his way over as fast as he could, his boots feeling even heavier than before.

“Diaz, come in, Diaz.” Bobby waited exactly one second to scoff in displeasure (or worry?) before trying again. “Bosko, come in, this is Captain Nash, come in Bosko.”

Buck’s eyes widened in terror as no answer came, his head snapping back and forth between Bobby’s face and what was left of the main road, trying to zone in on the exact spot all those cars had disappeared under the mud and debris.

“This is Captain 118, Road 5 Rescue Team, report for headcount.” He kept on repeating, but there was no answer coming through. “Lieutenant Perez, this is Captain 118, come in.” Bobby’s voice became more and more impatient — and Buck just couldn’t stand there any longer.

He started to make his way down the hill and towards his ATV. It must’ve been what? A mile, maybe a bit more. He reckoned if he picked up his pace, he could make it up there in under 20 minutes, which was way too long, but he had to, he had to—

“Eddie! Eddie!” He started shouting, as if there was a chance that somehow Eddie would’ve ended up in hearing distance, even though the direction of the slide had just probably taken him farther down the road. “Come on,” he mumbled mostly to himself, before he started yelling again, desperation seeping into his voice. “EDDIE!”

“Buck, stop!” A hand appeared on his shoulder, but he shook it off as he tried to trudge on. “Buck, if I have to use all my resources to pull you out of the mud, it’ll take us even longer to get to Eddie.” Bobby leveled him with a look, knowing exactly what to say to make Buck’s shoulders slump and his chin bump onto his chest briefly, as he sucked in a sharp breath.

“Fine. But I’m not waiting.”

“I’m not asking you to. Take Ravi with you, I’ll talk to the chief and have Lieutenant Cavanaugh send some boats after you as soon as I can.”

“Got it.” Buck nodded with a tight jaw.

“And Buck?”

“Yes, Cap?”

“Have faith in Eddie.”

Buck tried but failed at producing any sound, let alone actual words, so he just nodded again and started his way towards his vehicle, only vaguely registering the worrying looks Ravi gave him all the while.

#I'm so so close to getting to the PEAK of this fic goddd #nearly there nearly #soon enough I can start editing and posting the chapters #I can't wait 🥹#and then I can start sharing more spoilery bits too hehe #cuz this is very much chapter 1 stuff so far with only a few exceptions #anyway... let's not get ahead of ourselves #buddie #911 #wip #the mudslide fic

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bornincaldecott · 3 months

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I didn't really get into Romy in '97 too much in my post-episode 2 brain dump last night, and while I'd like to say that was completely intentional because I was planning a second brain dump dedicated to them...that's not the case. Not entirely, at least.

Like I said, it was late when I was finally able to watch episode 2 (was fighting an absolute terror of a migraine), and my post last night was already getting long. I was exhausted but I needed to get my thoughts out of my head.

But now that I'm more coherent and feeling somewhat better (migraine's a persistent bastard), let's get into it!

My Romy heart was so happy seeing them together. This era of them is probably my favorite. Yes, of course I love how far they've come since this, and of course I'm obsessed with them being married, but there's something about this part of their relationship — the pining, the angst, the romanticized chaos — that just slaps.

Maybe it's because I do know what the future holds for them, and seeing what led them there, everything they went through and endured, is such a testament to how much they love each other.

Remy has so much faith in Rogue, even this early in their relationship (although I guess they've been together for at least 5 years by the time '97 kicks off). "Rogue always comes to Gambit's rescue"? PLEASE. I know that was supposed to be a throwaway because they're teasing Scott but COME ON.

They gave us so many little glimpses into their relationship. Romy nation was fed well. Like when Rogue's hanging on him after the sentinel fight?

Look how proud she is of him. That face? "Yeah, that's my man."

They seem so comfortable with each other, and it makes me so happy I was misty-eyed watching. Apparently not comfortable enough though because...y'know...

Now that I've slept on things, though, I wonder if they're actually going to go full-on Rogueneto. Yes, they hinted at it, and yes, some tension was introduced, but maybe it'll get nipped in the bud before it becomes a whole thing. This is cheating, but there's another trailer where we see Kurt bamf between them, and you can tell that Remy had his arms around Rogue right before that. The fact that we have that trailer tells me that Kurt is going to be introduced sooner, rather than later (but I could be wrong). So that makes me think that Mags might be a bump in the road, but not an all-out hurdle they have to clear.

That doesn't make it hurt any less 'cause BOY HOWDY does it hurt. But even the strongest ships sometimes have to sail through storms before they can make it back home to the harbor, their endpoint.

I doubt we'll get it, but there is a part of me that's holding out hope that, in light of the Rogueneto angle, we'll get the "home and harbor" speech at some point, albeit with a different lead up. I don't think we will but GOD I WOULD SOB. Maybe Remy's VA has Cameo. I'd shell out the cash for that.

#xmen 97 #rogue x gambit #romy #home and harbor

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ruggiethethuggie · 9 months

Text

Sterling Cooper || Stardew Valley

wc: 2550 tags: fem!reader, she/her pronouns, Sterling Cooper, fluff, first meetings, alcohol consumed (by adults obv), reader is mid 20s, a bit flirty if you ask me hehe, never proofread ~we type and upload

Walking to the local general store was the last thing you wanted to add to your to-do list for the day. If only you had gotten up earlier, then maybe you would’ve noticed sooner that you were out of seeds to be planted for this season. No seeds means no crops, and no crops means you would be struggling to maintain the little level of sanity you had after taking on your grandfather’s long abandoned farm. The autumn season was beautiful here in your new home of Pelican Town. It was much different than the typical rustle and bustle of the city life you had before. But working in the corporate world had become too much stress. Not that this new flourishing farm was any less stressful, but the townspeople were always willing to help and you knew your grandfather would be proud that you were doing this for yourself.

Luckily, the farm wasn’t too far from the heart of the town where all the little stores and businesses were. It was just on the outskirts, maybe a mile or two outside the town limit, but you didn’t mind the walk. Walking was much more pleasant than sitting at a desk all day. Every day you fidgeted in your seat, anxiously awaiting for some way to leave and get out of the hell hole that was the corporate life. If not for that letter you remembered your grandfather had sent you, then you would probably still be stuck, the metaphorical chain still attached to your leg from the desk you were assigned to. It was a huge leap for yourself. Taking on an abandoned farm? Since when did you know anything about farming or crops or profit margins? The truth is that you had zero idea what you were doing, zero idea if this would even work out in the long run, but you wanted to have faith in yourself. You needed this change badly.

You checked your watch, almost 2pm. The store was still open until 5pm, so you had more than enough time to get there. Thankfully, you weren’t noticing your lack of seeds on a Wednesday or else you’d be out of luck until the next day.

The door’s chime bells dinged and donged as you opened the front door of the store and walked inside. Ever since moving to Pelican Town, you had told yourself that if you were going to buy seeds, you weren’t feeding the wallet of that scoundrel, Morris, at stupid Joja Mart down the road. You’d much rather contribute to the small community businesses. The mom and pop shops were always your favorite in the city; here, it was the same. You were no stranger to the aisles of Pierre’s; however, this was the start of a new season. The layout changed a bit each time, making room for the new seeds and items for sale. As you looked towards the counter, you could see Pierre speaking with Mayor Lewis. The conversation looked … intense? More than likely something about taxes and what not, so you didn’t want to really interrupt just to ask where the new season’s seeds would be.

You went down the first aisle, browsing through the shelves. There were so many new fall things that caught your eye, you almost forgot your real reason for coming to the store. As you turned down the next aisle, where hopefully those pesky new seeds were at, you bumped into another who was moving to the aisle you were on. You stumbled back a step or two but were able to catch your balance quickly.

“Oh, gosh! I’m so sorry, miss! I wasn’t looking where I was going. I hope you’re okay.” A hand reached out to assist you from the person you ran into. Clearly neither of you were paying any attention coming around the corner.

You brushed off his extended hand. “No, no. It’s fine! I wasn’t paying attention either, I’m sorry, too. I’m fine though, thank you,” you said with a smile. The man in front of you looked relieved that he didn’t hurt you in the head on collision you two had had. He was wearing a white button up, where the sleeves were so casually rolled up his forearms, with a black apron and a nametag on it. “Oh! Do you work here… Sterling?” you asked as you tried to read the scribbled name on the tag. He patted over his nametag and laughed. “Yeah, I do. Sorry, I know this chicken scratch ain’t the easiest to read. My name is Sterling, Sterling Cooper. And you are?” he asked, his smile was as radiant as the sun outside. “Oh, me? My name is Y/N. I just moved here awhile ago, took on that old farm down the road. It used to be my grandfather’s and he passed it on to me.”

“Ah, so you’re new here, huh?” he chuckled. “I used to live here as a kid and then moved to the city. I just moved back not too long ago either. Ole Pierre was nice enough to let me have my old job back from my teenage years.” As he said teenage years, you stared at him and laughed. He honestly didn’t look that old, but he talked as if he was pushing his 30s. “Teenage years? You mean like 2 years ago?” you jokingly said. He shook his head and snickered at your words. “I know this face looks fresh and new, but I promise I am 27. Those teenage years feel like a lifetime ago.” Twenty-seven? He didn’t really look it, but you were going to take his word. You laughed at his response as you stood there. His sapphire-like blue eyes sparkled the more he smiled. It was hard not to admire him, but you were here for seeds- not some maroon haired, blue eyed store clerk that you just met.

“Is there anything I can help you with?” he asked to break the silence between you two. You noticed he had a cart next to him that was full of new seasonal items. He must be stocking the shelves, I bet he knows where the stuff is at, you thought to yourself.

“Actually, that would be amazing?! I’m looking for some of the new fall seeds so I can get ahead on planting them on the farm. Just some things like artichoke, amaranth, bok choy- oh and pumpkins, of course! It wouldn’t be fall without those,” you chuckled as you read off your small list you had made for yourself.

“Well, let me see here,” Sterling said as he turned around and dug through the cart behind him. He was almost tossing stuff to the side in his search before finally finding a few seed pouches and turning around. “I’ve got the amaranth and bok choy seeds right here, but you’ll have to go down that way to get the artichoke and pumpkin seeds you need.” He offered you 4 small pouches of seeds, which you gladly took from him. “Thank you so much, Sterling! You’re so handsome!” The words just seemed to roll off your tongue without you even realizing it. You stood there like a deer caught in the headlights, embarrassed that you just said that out loud. Sterling, shocked as well, stood there silent with his mouth open- almost as if he was going to respond but couldn’t find the words to say.

Without saying anything more, you hurriedly walked past him and put your head down as you made your way to where he said the other seed packs would be. You could feel your face get hot with anxiety. You told yourself that next time you needed help, you were just going to interrupt Pierre or wait however long it took to get assistance from him. There was no way you would even think about asking Sterling for help again. You picked up the other packs of seed and damn near ran to the front counter. All you wanted to do right now was pay for your things and leave without talking to anyone else, especially not any other store clerks here.

“This it for you today, y/n?” Pierre said as he took the packs and started ringing them up. “Yeah, for a while at least. Hopefully I can get these planted today and have a good start for the season, y’know?” You spoke the words, but your mind was elsewhere, and Pierre could tell. “You okay? I can get you water if you need, you look like you should sit down or something.” You shook your head at his words, you didn’t need anything more from the store- you needed to go home and plant these seeds and, maybe later, hop into Gus’ bar and relax with a drink or two after today’s efforts. “Well alright then,” Pierre said with a sigh. He gave you your total, and you passed money over the counter. It took everything in you to not snatch the bag from him as you rushed to leave. But before you left, you decided to torture yourself even more and sneak a glance at Sterling, who was still stocking the shelves in the aisles. He was very handsome, there was no denying it, but why, oh why, did you have to say it out loud?

You were standing at your kitchen sink, still cursing yourself internally about being weird at the general store, while you washed the dirt off your hands. The seeds were finally planted- at least one stressor for your day was gone, and with the homemade fertilizer you had whipped up, you hoped that this coming harvest would be bountiful enough in profit to hold you over til the cold winter months were through. After the day you had had, you just wanted to relax, so you changed out of your dirty, farming attire and slipped into some comfy,everyday wear. A nice drink and slice of pizza from Gus’ would make anyone’s day better.

By the time you arrived back in town, it was roughly about 9pm- a young night for those out and about at the saloon. You walked inside and approached the bar. “Oh, goodness! Y/N! Been a bit since you’ve come in, what can I get ya tonight?” Gus cheerily said as you sat down. “Can I get just a rum and coke and then let’s do a slice of that Gus’ famous pizza,” you hummed as you tapped your fingers on the counter. “Comin’ right up!” Gus turned around and started prepping the oven and grabbing an empty bottle to make your drink. The atmosphere was already making you relax; Gus had felt like a long distant uncle since you met him. He was always someone you could rely on that would listen to your woes and try to brighten your day in any way he could, which was usually with that pizza you loved so much.

As Gus put the drink in front of you, out of the corner of your eye you could see another person leaning on the bar as they sat down. “Hey, Gus! Can you get me an ale? Actually- make it two!” the voice sang. It didn’t take long to figure out who the person was that took the seat beside you. “Ah, absolutely, Sterling! Let me check this pizza and I’ll get ‘em served.” Sterling nodded as Gus went about his business and then turned to face you. “Did you get your seeds planted alright? Pierre said you didn’t look so good when you left the store earlier.” He put his hand on his cheek and leaned on the counter, smiling as he waited for you to answer.

“I’m fine,” you said as you glanced over at him. “They all got planted. I just … felt a little light headed. Yeah, lightheaded. But I’m fine now.” You traced the rim of your drink with your finger and then took a sip of it. The awkwardness from earlier in the day was still there for you, but he acted like nothing was wrong- or like you didn’t weirdly blurt out a compliment and run away when meeting him the first time.

“Lightheaded?” Sterling chuckled. “If that’s what you say it was, then I’ll take your word for it.” Gus placed the two ales in front of Sterling and went to the other side of the counter to take more orders from the townspeople waiting. “Don’t think this is a pickup line, but do you come here often?”

“Come here often? Sounds like a pickup line to me,” you teased. “But no, actually, I only come every once in a while- usually when it’s been a long day and I just need to relax. Why? Do you come here often?”

“Wow, first you call me handsome and now you’re asking if I come here often? Was it me that made you lightheaded? I’m flattered.” He grinned at you with a smile so delicious you thought that the few sips of your drink were already clouding your thoughts. As he took a drink of his ale, he could sense you still felt some type of way about the exchange earlier. “I mean, you called me handsome and I couldn’t even say anything before you scurried away. What if I was going to compliment you back?”

“So it was a pickup line. I’m not interested,” you said harshly, your brain and heart pulling you two different ways. “It wasn’t a real pickup line, I swear it,” he said as he held his hand over his heart in sincerity. “But what if I said I was interested? Then what? What if I wanted to tell you that I also think you’re stunning and I’d like to get to know you more, if you’d allow me?”

“Gus, is my pizza ready? Can you box it for me?” You practically shouted as you ignored Sterling beside you. You stood up from your seat and fumbled in your wallet to grab the money for your food and drink. “It’s like that?” Sterling asked with a surprised look on his face. “I have to get back to Shane anyway, he’s probably laughing at my failed attempt right now. I hope I’ll see you around though.” You watched him from the corner of your eye get up from the counter and grab the two drinks and walk over towards the fireplace where you could see Shane standing.

As Gus took the money you handed him and put the box in your hand, he didn’t let go of it. You looked up at him confused. “He’s a nice guy, really. Been through some hard times, but I wouldn’t cross him off your list just yet.” He gave a wink to you and let go of the pizza box. “Thanks, Gus,” you said quietly. You looked over your shoulder at Sterling and Shane, laughing and drinking their ale together. The way he looked when he was happy, smiling and laughing, it was like sunshine in human form. You downed the remaining bit of your drink, which truthfully wasn’t even that much, and left the saloon with even more on your mind than before you came in.

#~.writing #~.stardew valley #sterling cooper x reader #sterling cooper x fem!reader #stardew valley x reader #stardew valley x fem!reader #sterling cooper sdv #sterling sdv #sterling cooper fluff #sterling cooper #sterling cooper imagines #sterling cooper x farmer #sterling cooper x fem!farmer

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farity · 1 year

Text

Spell, part 3

Pairing: Aemond Targaryen x unnamed OFC

Summary: OFC arrives in King’s Landing

Warning: Smut.

.Part 2

“I am very glad you are here,” Aemond said, offering his hand for his betrothed to alight from her carriage.

She smiled at him, a little tired from the travel, “thank you, Prince Aemond. I am glad to be done with those wretched roads.” She allowed him to escort her inside, where the rest of the family waited.

The Dowager Queen approached, hands clasped in front of her. “We are delighted to receive you,” she smiled tightly, “there is much to talk about.”

* * * * *

She had to be joking. The Dowager Queen Alicent, who spoke and walked like she had a pole up her backside, was telling her about the lessons that had been planned.

“Your Grace, my instruction in the Faith of the Seven was finished long ago,” she replied. She was sitting across the Dowager Queen and her father, while Aemond sat next to her.

“Nevertheless,” Alicent continued, “things you might have learned, beliefs you might now have, should not be above the true faith.” She looked from her son to her father before looking back at her. “I will leave you to rest before dinner.” Alicent took a couple of steps towards the door before tripping on a rug, and immediately turned to look at her son before her angry gaze landed on her. After a few seconds, she turned and left.

* * * * *

Once in her rooms, she rubbed her face. Religious instruction? Every morning at sun up she would be getting up to meet with one of the Septas and spend three hours going over old texts. Over her own damn, dead body.

“Are you settling in all right?”

She turned to see Aemond standing at the doorway. Before she could speak, he raised a hand.

“I will speak to mother. There is no reason for these idiotic lessons.”

She didn’t say she hadn’t planned on going, in any case, but looked at him, considering. “Am I going to be blamed for every mishap in the Red Keep?” At least he had the grace to look embarrassed. “Every time someone bumps their head, every time someone catches their slipper on a rug, every time-”

“You will not.” The terror he had initially felt around her had turned into wariness, but he was sure she had not caused his mother to trip. He might not know this woman well, but he did not see her as petty. And it had to be unnerving to have everyone look at her as if she was an oddity. He knew that well.

Shaking her head, she ran a hand through her hair. “It matters not, I have endured worse than her.”

Aemond stepped into the room. “I did not bring you here to endure.”

She stood, then, tired of pretending everything was perfectly normal. “Then why did you bring me? Why are you marrying me?”

“I told you. You intrigue me.”

“If that is all it takes for you to propose, then clearly you have not met many people.”

He approached her slowly, stroking a hand down her arm. “There is something between us, something that pulls me to you and keeps me on edge. Yes, you intrigue me. Yes, grandfather wants your House allied to ours. But there is more and all I know is that I do not want you to be miserable here.” He rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb.

“That is a good start, then.”

“A better start,” he said, pulling her along, “would be you going with me to meet Vhagar.”

* * * * *

There was a grassy area behind the dragon pit where Aemond’s dragon roamed. She could hear the beast stomping around and her heartbeat began to race. Maybe the Dowager Queen would appear and make Aemond burn her to death.

“She will know that you are under my protection,” he was saying. “You will not be harmed, no matter how unsettled she appears.”

They turned a corner and the great dragon appeared. It turned, catching sight of Aemond, and then the huge eyes landed on her.

“She will catch your scent, then we can go up and you can touch her side so she-”

Vhagar went very still, and then she reared up, and pointing her great maw to the skies, let out a giant roar.

She covered her ears, instinctively turning away from the great beast. “It is all right,” she heard Aemond say as he wrapped himself around her. “She will not hurt you.” But his voice was shaky, and she wondered how sure he was of what he was saying. “Vhagar, Lykiri!” she heard him shout.

She turned to the dragon, felt herself shaking from head to toe within Aemond’s arms, and watched as the beast once again aimed at the skies, but this time she let out a great spray of fire.

“I’ve got you, you are safe with me!”

“You do not know that!” she countered, terrified. Much to her dismay, she could feel tears starting to form.

Aemond grabbed her arms, held her so he could stare into her eyes. “You try it.”

Shaking her head, she held on to him. “Try what?”

“You tell her,” he clarified, and taking the hand she had pointed at him that first day, raised it to point it at Vhagar. “Say ‘Vhagar, Lykiri’.” He enunciated the word, looking into her frightened face. When she simply stared at him, he nodded. “Try it. It means ‘calm down’.”

She could scarcely believe he was saying such a thing so openly, so casually. As if it wouldn’t mean her death to be found out. As if it didn’t tear down another wall against him to have him encouraging her. “I cannot.”

He held her to him, stroking her hair. “You can. I trust you.”

Sighing, she turned to the dragon, who was now staring at them. She pointed her finger at the beast, and stilled her mind as best she could.

“Vhagar, Lykiri!”

For a moment, nothing happened, which in her mind, was a good thing. Then Vhagar rose, and took a step toward them. She began shaking again, and Aemond stepped in front of her, facing his dragon.

Vhagar looked at them, and slowly, laid down where she was, curling around herself, and let out a smoky breath before settling down.

She could see Aemond almost bouncing in place between her and Vhagar, and when he turned around, his eye was sparkling.

“What is that?”

“Vhagar? You did that.”

“No, that thing on your face.”

Aemond frowned, brushing a hand over his face. “What? Do I have something on me?”

“Your mouth,” she said.

“My mouth.”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “It’s curving up at both ends, I’ve never seen it do that.”

He said nothing for a few seconds, then rushed to grab her as she started to laugh. She wrapped her arms around him, and her laugh was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. It filled him with joy and he realized that the wariness he had felt around her had completely vanished.

She had trusted him enough to try it. She had trusted him enough to do it in front of him.

When he pulled back to look at her it felt completely natural to kiss her, to let her grab on to him as he hauled her up in his arms. He walked towards one of the benches, laid her down and continued kissing her, her mouth hungry on his.

She was as eager as he, her slippered foot tracing a line up and down his calf, and he realized, much to his regret, that he couldn’t continue. “I should take you back,” he said as he rose and pulled her along.

Still hand in hand, he reached her rooms and let her in. Soon enough, he told himself, soon enough they’d be wed and he could have her.

“Good night,” he said, leaning in for one last kiss, but when he pulled back, she didn’t let go of him.

“I do not want you to go.”

“You do not know what you are saying.”

She rose up on her toes to kiss him. “I do know. I want you to bed me.”

His resolve to leave was unraveling quickly and he tried again. “It would not be-”

When she pulled him into her rooms, he didn’t resist, didn’t stop her from locking the door and wrapping her arms around him again. He threw resolve into the fire and reached down to lift her and carry her to the bed.

She turned to let him undo the laces on her dress, let her head fall back on his shoulder when he started kissing her neck. When he slipped the dress down her arms she shivered, then kicked it aside when it pooled at her feet. His hands covered her breasts, kneading the soft mounds until she was squeezing her thighs together and he turned her around, placing her on the bed.

“You are still clothed,” she said softly.

“And you are completely naked,” he grabbed her ankles, pulled her to the edge of the bed and knelt before her spread legs. She opened her mouth to reply, but then his tongue was setting her alight and she arched off the bed, moaning.

He had done this to her in her dreams. But what she had felt then paled in comparison to the utterly devastating fire he was feeding inside her. She grabbed fistfuls of bedding, desperate for any anchor to keep her from burning away. His hands kept her thighs in place over his shoulders, and she knew there would be bruises later. Let him mark me, she thought. Let him burn me.

He began sucking, tugging on that most sensitive flesh, and she felt herself start to fall, the edge beginning to crumble away, and then he slipped two fingers inside her, stroking, curling, and she screamed as she fell. The world fell away, leaving her shattered, and she felt him move away, the sound of fabric falling to the floor, before he was looming over her, reaching between them.

While he began pushing inside her, she trailed her fingertips up his arms, traced the muscles underneath his porcelain skin, placed her hand over his heart and felt it racing. There was a moment’s discomfort when he filled her, but then he grabbed her, falling onto his back and she found herself looking down at him.

“What word do you prefer?” he asked as he stroked her thighs.

“What?”

He was beautiful, she thought, seeing past the severe façade he chose to show the world.

“Sorceress. Witch. Something else?” He moved his hips and she gasped, moving to match him.

“You cannot say that where anyone may hear you,” she leaned down to kiss him, finding a slow, steady rhythm.

He smiled against her lips. “Only when I’m inside you. Only when we’re alone.” He wrapped one hand around the back of her neck. “Only when I’m intrigued by you.” She laughed softly and he was delighted by her, the girl who had looked at him as warily as he had looked at her.

She rose, moving her hips in slow circles.

“Fuck,” he muttered, feeling the rush of need grow stronger. He sat up higher against the pillows, wanting to feel her breasts against him. “Tell me, what am I to call you?”

She rocked her hips harder, her breath coming faster now. “Aemond, you are, ah, so very strange.”

“Says the witch,” he murmured.

Whimpering, she pressed her forehead to his. “Say it again.”

He thrust up against her, “come for me,” he said in her ear, “come for me, witch.”

Her thighs tightened around him and she threw her head back while he devoured her neck, trying to hold on until she came. When she began to clench around him, her body taut in his arms, he let go, and let her take him with her.

* * * * *

None of her dreams had been as wonderful as this. None of the times they had lain together in her dreams had she felt so cherished, so safe. As she lay in his arms in the candlelight, legs intertwined, she watched as he removed his eyepatch.

“I thought I should reveal my own secret,” he said softly.

She cupped his scarred cheek, placed a kiss on the cheekbone, and then saw the large sapphire that sat instead of his missing eye. When she smiled and shook her head, he gave her a look. “What?”

“You will find out soon enough.”

He moved her underneath him, finding her ready for him again. “Will a child have your gifts?”

She pictured a little silver-haired girl. “I do not know. Maybe she will ride dragons instead.”

“Like her mother,” he said as she wrapped her legs around him.

* * * * *

He found out the day of their wedding, when she walked in on her father’s arm, wearing a gown of shimmering deep blue silk that sparkled with every step she took. He heard his mother murmuring, “unusual for a bride,” and smiled to himself. He knew the gown was started before he revealed his sapphire to her, and by now he knew better than to be surprised, but he was.

Lord Petyr still looked a little nervous to be back in King’s Landing, but he uncovered his daughter’s face, letting the veil fall back over her shoulders, before he placed her hand in Aemond’s.

“I will take great care of her,” he said, much to the older man’s surprise, before he turned away to step before the Septon.

Lady Aline arranged the train of the sapphire blue dress over the steps, squeezed the bride’s hand before taking her seat next to her husband.

The Septon began to speak and he looked at her. She had told him about her dreams the day before, her cheeks bright red as she told him everything. He had accepted every word, as he had accepted her, as he knew she had accepted him.

“I didn’t know I was supposed to live up to your dreams,” he teased.

She smiled, tracing a finger down the side of his face. “You are better than any dream, Aemond.”

Much later, he presents her with a gift. A large sapphire, to match the one in his eye socket. He has had it set on a long chain and when he secures it around her neck, it sits right between her breasts. “Perfect,” he says, watching it sparkle and shimmer as she breathes.

She looks down, the silky white robe she is wearing thin enough so that she is not too warm as she sits on his lap by the fire. “It is beautiful, thank you.” She kisses him tenderly, her touch butterfly-soft. “I shall always wear it.”

He knows she will.

* * * * *

@arryn-nyx @greenowlfactif @hydrationqueensworld @megzdoodle@melsunshine @queenofshinigamis @throughgoeshamilton @travelingmypassion

@hb8301 @kaemond-zafiro

#aemond targaryen #aemond x oc #aemond fanfiction #aemond targaryen x oc #aemond targaryen fanfic #aemond targaryen au #hotd fanfic #hotd fanfiction #hotd smut

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severefartoholic · 10 months

Text

April 19, Dr. Kirill A. Panov.

I love Kirill and Redrick so I wrote through their interactions from Kirills perspective for some writing practice. (Can u tell that I was listening to ferry music while writing this)

(contains spoilers for Roadside Picnic)

Birds have never flown over the zone, in all of my time at the institute, I've never seen any natural life inside of it.

The zone is too slow, too unmoving and empty, life inside of it feels unnatural, like every being alive on this earth knows to stay away from the zone, to keep out, an unwritten rule of everything that moves. Most things knew to stay out. That's except for me and Red, apparently.

The zone can draw people in, and I think it has done the same to me, because all I've been thinking about since a few visits away are those damned empties. It's ruined me, to be honest, this rabbit hole that I've fallen into feels never ending. Lately when I wake up I almost feel like I breathe and live the zone, a neverending supply of fuel.

My eyes have sunken in these past few weeks, the dark part under them getting even worse than before, and my head has been feeling heavy these past few days. The whole repository has been inevitably growing more and more discouraged by the day. Like a wick slowly burning out, with no way to brighten the fire again. Usually Red would just take me out of town for a few days and buzz me up so I could return back to normal, but lately nothing has been working, I feel a bit sick, almost. I want to dissolve myself in this rusty air. Lately it seems everyone has been feeling like this though; gray, sullen, empty.

Red softly hums something behind me before speaking, "Listen" He says to me, looking up at the ceiling seemingly in thought, "What if you had a full empty, hm?"

My back faces towards Redrick, as I'm ready to load the last empty onto the scales, holding it close to my chest with both hands, my fingertips feel numb against the grainy, bumped metal. My head feels heavy.

"A full empty?" I turn back around to look at him, puzzled.

He tries to explain the idea to me, turning his gaze back down at me from the ceiling. "Yeah, your hydromagnetic trap.. whatchamacallit... Object 77b. It's got some sort of blue stuff inside."

I look at Red, squinting. A glimmer of reason shining through the greenish gray fog of these recent slow and empty days.

"Hold on...full? Just like this, but like*...full?" I gesture towards the empty, now laying on the scale.

"Yeah, that's what I'm saying"

His words spark faith in me, they always do. . I try to suppress the reaction and not let it show to him though, Red already has an annoying habit of comparing me to some type of dog. Being completely honest, hes the one who reminds me of some stray mutt.

"Let's go have a smoke"

I put the empty back into the safe, following close behind Redrick before slamming the door of the repository and locking it shut with three turns of the key and bouncing off the steps behind him.

Red looks up at the sky. Dawn is breaking, and the sky is overcast. The sun is shining brightly and relentlessly against the hazy grey clouds, like a lamp peering through the grey curtain. he tells me everything during the smoke break, where this ‘full empty’ could be, what it was like, and the best way to get at it.

“don't go across, the other roads been safer lately” he hums, leaning back and stretching.

I pull out a map of the zone, finding the garage and I trace around the graphed out garage on the paper with my finger, before looking up at Red, leaning on the counter in front of me with both hands.

I open my mouth to speak "You dog," I smile at him, "Well, let's go for it. First thing in the morning. I'll order the passes and the boot for nine, we'll set off at ten and hope for the best, yeah?"

"Alright" he says, "and who'll be the third person of the group?" He tilts his head to the right while asking, once again reminding me of a dog.

I playfully grin back at Red, "What do we need a third for?"

"No way! This is no picnic in your backyard, what if something happens to us? It's the zone, after all!*" He scolds me, "we have to follow regulations."

I give him a short, quiet laugh and shrug, "As you wish, you know better after all." I'll humour Red, I suppose. A third person would just get in the way. If we were to just run down into the zone, by ourselves, everything would be just great, and nobody would suspect a thing. But the institute has rules, and we both knew that. People don't enter the zone in pairs. The rule is, two do the work, and the third one is witness, and reports on it later if anyone asks.

"Personally, I would take Austin" I say to him, "but you're probably against it , or is it alright?"

“Nope" he responds, "anybody but Austin, you can take him another time." Red doesn't look like he wants to explain it to me, but I'm guessing it's something related to the fact he sometimes complains about Austin acting like he knows everything about the zone.

"Ah, alright then..how about Tender?" I suggest, Tender is a good man, he was my previous lab assistant, a bit on the quiet side, but he's good at what he does.

Red responds after a few seconds of thought. "He's a little old, and he's got kids.." Of course he mentioned that, always caring about the family they have at home, even though he has less capability for attachment than a rock. I don't even know how the thing between him and Guta works. It's sweet though, I'll admit.

"That's alright" I reassure him, "He's been in the zone before”

He lets out a heavy sigh "okay then, let's take Tender.”

Red leaves for the Borscht hungry and with his throat parched, once again mispronouncing the title by adding a ‘T’ at the end and refusing to change his pronunciation because it's ‘spelled that way’, leaving me alone at the lab to map out the route for tomorrows expedition.

When Red returned, he greeted me with six simple words.

“I'm not going into the zone” I stare at him, bug eyed, before it comes to me, I take Redrick by the elbow and lead him into my office, sitting on the windowsill and facing him; we were both silent for a while, I think carefully about my next words.

“Has something happened, Red..?"

"No” He says, grinning sadly “Nothing happened, except me blowing about a two thousand rubles at poker yesterday.”

I look at his face, “Wait a second, did you..change your mind?”

He makes a quiet choking sound.

“I can't” he whispers to me through clenched teeth, all strained. “I can't, do you understand? The sergeant just had me in his office”

I feel a bit heartbroken, like everything I was looking forward to just fell apart infront of me. Red tempted me with promises of the zone, only before turning his back..not like it was his fault or anything, I can't blame the poor boy.

Nonetheless, I can't help but look at him with glassy eyes, all my motivation to keep going just washed away, like writing on the beach sand.

I silently light another cig with the butt of the old one, and I speak softly to him, gingerly choosing out my words

“Red, you can trust me.. I won't breathe a word to anyone.” it feels disgusting, how I'm almost pleading for him to give me an answer, but I can't let him mull about this on his own.

“Skip it” He mutters, “This doesn't involve you at all” It's clear he hasn't told anyone at all yet about him almost getting caught going into the zone, three months after it happening.

“Red, it's alright, I haven't even told Tender about anything yet! I haven't even asked if he's interested in going”

Like a wounded dog, he stays silent and continues smoking. I can tell it in the way he looks at me. He thinks I don't understand a single a thing about him.

I try to get anything, even a single word out of Red. “What did he say to you?”

“Nothing in particular" He speaks, “Some bastard squealed on me, that's all.” He takes another long drag of the cig.

I hop off the windowsill and start pacing around the cramped office, blowing smoke out of my lungs in silence and melancholy, thinking deeply about our situation.

Red had been doing it all, Stalking, for the money, The more green papers the better, a stalker is a stalker, after all.

I stop pacing and come up to Red, asking him awkwardly,

“Listen, Red, how much would a full empty cost?”

He looks at me, all confused before his eyes widen, his eyebrows furrowed. Red opens his mouth to speak, but decides to shut up, he looks at me, he looks exhausted and fed up.

I won't take silence for an answer though, I keeping looking straight at Red, with an intent, understanding gaze, unblinking.

He seemingly calms down a bit before speaking, less tense than before. “No-one with a pass has ever gone to the garage before. They haven't laid the tracks to it yet. You know that, Kirill.” he says to me, “so here we come back from this zone and Tender brags to everyone how we headed straight for the garage, picked up what we needed and came right back. The zone isn't some warehouse, it'll be clear to everyone that we knew ahead of time what we wanted there.. And then everyone will know that the three of us could have been…" He lets out a heavy sigh, “whatever, there's no point in spelling it out for you, do you understand what's in store for me here?”

He looks into my eyes after his little speech, he reminds me of a stray dog, the way he looks all pathetic, guilty, and sorry.

My heart aches, but I don't want to make Red feel even more guilty and terrible, so I clap my hands, and announce to him, “Well..! If you can't, you can't, I understand, Red. And I can't pass judgement on you. I'll go alone, maybe I'll be fine, it's not my first time, after all.” He looks back at me, unamused.

“They won't let you go out alone.” He says to me.

“They will” I mutter, “I know all the sergeants and lieutenants, I don't like those trucks! They've been exposed to the elements for thirty years, and they're just like brand new. There's a gasoline carrier about 5 meters away, and it's all rusted out. That's the zone for you!

We both go silent. I look back at the map and stare out the window, he looks out along with me. The institutes windows are thick and tinted, but outside, beyond the thick glass, is the zone.

From here it looks like you can just reach out and touch her. Like in just a few steps, you can lay down in the tall grass, laying on the earth. Looking at her, it doesn't look too different from any other type of land, hazy fog reaches and clouds over the old, crumbly concrete buildings. The shines just like anywhere else on the outside. As though nothing had particularly changed in it after the visit, it was the same as 50 years ago. Except those tall, soaring concrete walls and trucks, surrounding the zone, caging it in a protective layer from our eyes. Maybe it was for the better that way.

Looking at it, she seems oddly beautiful, the city took a pause when it reached the zone, brutalist concrete fading and being replaced by the dark earth; the zone feels almost untouched by the gray structures, all of the ones that existed previously long crumbling and rotting away. Like a small chunk of another world, there is no way to adapt the zone to fit your own desires, there's only the option to adapt to the zone, and fit its expectations, having an influence over the land was impossible, no matter how much manpower or technology you had. the zone is an ecosystem that was completely sealed away and left to overgrow for those 50 years, a scientific wonder.

That was the way it was with the zone, if you come back with anything, it's a miracle. If you come back alive? It's a success. If the bullets of the armed guards at the trucks miss you? it's luck, and as for anything else? That was fate, determined by the holy spirit. Nobody to blame for that.

I spread the map out on the windowsill and begin counting meters for tomorrow, 40 yards to the garage from the last pylon...40 long, long yards of travel. That's all for appearances though, I'm watching Red out of the corner of my eye, he can tell that I'm looking at him, his gaze softens, and he relaxes more, slowly breathing out smoke.

“Laboratory Assistant Schuart,” I say to him, grinning, “Official, and I heavily stress, official sources have lead me to believe that an inspection of the garage could be of great scientific value. I'm suggesting that we inspect the garage, and I guarantee you a bonus.”

“And what official sources are those?”*He asks me with a mocking skepticism, beaming brighter than the most tiring June sun.

“They're confidential, but I suppose I can tell you. They're from Dr. Douglas.”

“Who?” he tilts his head to the side with curiosity, that damn dog.

I decided to tell it to him straight up, “Sam Douglas. He died last year.”

He scowls at me, but I know it's just for appearances. “Alright, where's your Tender?”

We both without even discussing it decided not to speak about the earlier subject.

I pick up the phone in the office and order us the boot for tomorrow. While I dial PPS, Redrick observes over the map spread out on the windowsill.

When Tender came down, he was tired and out of breath, his daughter had been sick again, the poor girl; and he had to call for a doctor.

When we told him the news, he even stopped breathing so heavily out of shock, “The zone?!, What do you mean, the zone? And why me?!”

However, the promised bonus and the fact that Red was going with us got him up and running again. As I went for the passes, Tender and Red went to go check out the specially made suits. It's almost a little bit funny, I've seen Red eye that bright red gear, the way he glances at the helmet out of the corner of his eye repeatedly, he's just waiting for the second the lieutenant turns his back so he can pocket it for himself.

Although I doubt having a specially made suit would help him much inside the zone. No normal earthly dangers held any meaning inside of it, and people still dropped left and right, even inside the suits, they couldn't help much with the dangers inside the zone. I don't think anything could.

All three of us put on the suits, and Red grabbed the nuts and bolts, pouring them into his pocket. We made our way from the institute yard to the zones entrance.

I looked around at the sympathetic faces around us wishing us on our way. The three of us labeled as heroes, risking our lives for the sake of science. It wasn't the main reason we were going at all, but it's fine to let people believe whatever satisfies them most.

Red snaps some joke at Tender, but it whizzes past my ears completely, only being registered as some far away speech, as I was far deep in my own thoughts, silently mouthing a prayer to the Lord.

Redrick looks over at me, “Praying? Pray on, pray. The further into the zone the closer to heaven”

I pause and look over at Red, “what?”

“Pray!” He shouts, "Stalkers cut in line at the gates of heaven”

When you went into the zone, you could either laugh about it, or cry. Red joked about it, he didn't have the balls to cry in front of me.

I pull out a bolt and some bandages, handing it to Redrick. He should be able to make a good throw, I remember he told me about being on a sports team when he was younger.

“here, throw. Watch for the bolts trajectory wavering.”

---------

I can feel the warm water running over my head and falling down into my shoulders, individual drops gathering and slowly dripping down at the ends of my wet hair. The shower is humid, causing my chest to heave, drawing in deep breaths

And then again, out of the corner of my eye I see it flash. that glowing white spiderweb, stretching across my vision in paper thin strands of silk. The water from the shower falls onto the web, tiny crystal drops shined and reflected on the web, the reflection or the glowing fluorescent lights overhead dancing on the water.

But this time, the web doesn't go away. It stays in my senses, the burning, searing sensation in my chest is back again, it feels like the tissue of the skin in my chest is splitting apart, my breath is short.

My foot glides forward on the slippery tiles, and I lean forward, holding onto the glass shower door to support myself, the water is still pouring on me and sliding off my back, and now I breathe out of my mouth. It feels like no matter how much I gasp in oxygen, it isn't enough.

My knees meet the cold floor, the webs thin strands right in front of me again, the warm water falling on top of me.

Redrick was right. The further into the zone, the closer to heaven. I sense a feeling of regret. I hate her, I hate the zone, but at the same time I cannot draw myself away from it, I cannot leave. The one thing I can hope is that Redrick leaves before he meets the same horrible demise. That one day, he will be capable of forming a single thought, something I thought I could do, but after everything I ended with my brain completely blank. Let it never happen to him, let him live for-

The water continues pouring, no one to turn it off, again and again, the showers drops drip and splatter onto the shower floor with a soft ‘pitter patter’ sound in the silent shower room of the institute.

#roadside picnic #writing #strugatsky brothers

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ckneal · 2 years

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So, one time, when I was half asleep, I imagined a post series concept that I threw out, because it just stretched the canon a little too much for my taste, but also didn’t stretch it enough to quite work as an AU fic.

It involved Adam going into the Empty to try and save Michael. But the Empty didn’t look like the Empty as we had seen it on the show. Instead, it looks like a shadowy forest, full of all sorts of inexplicably bumps and howls that one couldn’t quite say from how far off they originated. And one of the reasons for this was because the light all around them was just so dim. Overhead, the sky was full of shooting stars, with a massive---a truly, TRULY massive moon in the distance, poised on the horizon like a setting sun, with flashes of light erupting around it like pale fireworks.

When Adam arrives, with Sam and Dean by his side--insisting that they can’t let him go into this place by himself--they can barely see the road ahead, and bring out their cellphones to act as flashlights to try and penetrate the darkness--falling back on the show’s habit of incorporating modern day elements into its lore. But almost immediately, this gets them attacked by some strange creature that they can’t even see clearly because of how quickly it moves, and how bright its body was. They couldn’t actually bear to look at it, even as it driving them deeper in the forest.

And what they wouldn’t realize until they’ve spent some time in this place, is that they are in angel hell. And the creatures in the forest are angels in their rawest form--broken down after having been left here for an ungodly amount of time. With no one to turn to but each other, and getting angry with one another---in the same way that we saw them getting angry with one another when ejected from Heaven in season 10. But not just that---also, in the same way that we see ghosts become angry over time, when left alone on earth. The angels left alone in this world eroded the longer that they were there, which is why it was always better that they simply be asleep in the more peaceful levels of the Empty that we were accustomed to seeing.

And as Adam makes his way through this level of existence, he, Sam, and Dean come across angels in various stages of decay. Specifically, angels who either abandoned Heaven, or sought to control Heaven specifically for their own ends. And as such, Gabriel and Raphael are there, but not able to truly help them.

Raphael, you see, is there because they had lost faith in God--as per Raphael’s admission about not caring anymore in season 5, and just wanting things to be over, and season 6 decision to seize control of Heaven, not to carry out God’s will, but to save Michael from the cage. But the thing is, that even just being there, angels shine so brightly, that it’s nearly impossible not to be seen, the bigger the angel, the bigger a target they are to the more worn-away angels that had been in this Hell before them. And the more that the angels attack each other in this angel hell, the more they break one another apart---literally jacking up the “angel coding” that Gadreel mentioned back during season 10, that Crowley and Naomi were so good at hacking into. And being the first archangel to land there, and the largest target around for such a long time, Raphael is especially broken down, and doesn’t actually remember who the Winchesters are. When Gabriel arrived upon his death---Gabe being one of the first angels to abandon Heaven and Chuck’s plans for the sake of pursuing his own interests---he did what he could to hide Raphael from view, using his illusion abilities that he’d fine tuned during his time as the Trickster---but it was already too late.

Sam hears about this, and is concerned. Dean himself doesn’t fully believe it until they find Cas, wondering the forest unsure of who he is, or anyone else for that matter. Because of his actions on earth, he was a target not only for the mindless remains of angels who had been there so long they’d forgotten everything and anything, but also for the angels who remembered him for his role in the destruction of the the apocalypse and Heaven itself later on. He doesn’t even remember who Raphael is, though Raphael remembers him. Because it’s the newest memories that go first when their code is broken, and Raphael had been looking out for Castiel since they were very small.

And as Adam is watching Dean try to remind Castiel of who he was, and who the two of them are to each other, he wonders aloud how the angels are all supposed to be so easily visible to each other here--the bigger the angel the bigger the light--and yet they can’t find Michael anywhere. And Gabriel gives him the oddest look.

“Exactly who do you think that is?” And Gabriel points to the moon in the distance.

Because all the lights in this place are angels---that why the stars are all shooting stars, and the forest is the safest where it’s also the darkest. And being the largest of the angels, Michael is the largest source of light around. The largest target. And all the fireworks around the moon are actually smaller angels that Michael is fighting off to protect his memories and his code---specifically, his memories of Adam.

#i don't know if I should even tag this for the main fandom tag it's such a mess #my thoughts #mimosa thought 4

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inkpartners · 2 years

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You and your detective f/o as partners.

can be read as platonic and/or romantic.

[not a necessarily realistic portrayal, moreso based on popular media tropes i find suitable]

You and your partner share a taxi to work every morning. You get to watch them nod off for an entire 5 minutes while leaning their head onto the car window. Bumps in the road eventually make them wake up and you turn away quickly to look out of your own window.

You know eachothers early morning coffee preferences by heart, even if the other doesnt drink coffee to begin with.

Your coats match - your co-workers think its the most hilarious thing ever, but it "wasnt even intentional".

The paperwork your boss slams down onto your desk is daunting, but its much more bearable to work on it when you get to listen to your partner complain about their last case next to you. They rarely get so heated, but you understand their frustration.

When introducing yourselves to suspects or witnesses, the way you pull out your licenses is almost perfectly synchronized. Your f/o snorts the first time they take notice of it.

The crime scene in front of you two seems familiar. Looking over to your partner, you can see their eyes moving rapidly, trying their best to take in as much information as they possibly can without much background knowledge. You leave them on their own for a while to talk to the forensic experts still left at the scene.

Driving one of the suspects to the station, you immediately make eye contact with your partner in the rearview mirror when a new piece of evidence is revealed to you thanks to a particularily chatty suspect.

Theres nothing more rewarding to your f/o than seeing the all too familiar glint appear in your eye after a long period of silence. The way your eyes widen and your hand instinctively reaches for your phone when the last puzzle pieces finally falls into place. They are so lucky to have you working alongside them.

As it turns out, running after a criminal during heavy rain is more exhausting than you remember. Your hands have gotten slippery, which makes putting on handcuffs harder in comparison to the training program you attended years ago. You notice your partner shivering next to you; their clothes are completely soaked as well, but they cant help but smile at you while they help you hold the culprit down.

Late at night you meet up again to sort through old files and documents. Theres a single moth flying around the small table light the both of you share, but youre too tired to scare it away. While youre signing some papers, your f/o can be heard typing away on their laptop, finishing their report for the just recently finished case.

Getting them assigned to you as your partner feels like faith. In fact, the both of you work so well together that your boss has started to regularily assign you two to the same cases.

#f/o #f/os #self shipping #selfshipping #f/o imagines #f/o scenarios #f/o imagine #f/o scenario #romantic f/o #platonic f/o #detective f/o

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alyjojo · 10 months

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August 👨🏽‍🏫 2023 Monthly - Aries

Whole of your energy: 7 Pentacles

You’ve been biding your time waiting for the finances to do something you’ve had your hopes set on for some time, saving money to do this. You’re having an issue with your partner this month, over whatever you’re doing, and I don’t get anything bad exactly. You’re just acting with a lot of self interest, they could feel like they aren’t even being considered in your master plan, which will inevitably cause a bump in the road. You probably feel you’ve earned it, and you do.

What’s going on in August:

6 Swords:

Travel could be part of whatever you’re doing, and I get the sense you’re doing this alone. Whether it’s a work trip, a friend trip, something like that, you’ve saved up for a fun time regarding some passion of yours that you’re excited to do. Your person may have even helped you to get to this point, I don’t get them being annoyed by what you’re doing. Maybe it’s the whole doing it alone part that gets under their skin.

8 Pentacles:

Could definitely be a work trip, conference, meeting, but if so it’s somewhere fun, or there is fun planned to be had after the work stuff. It could also be relating to a hobby or a passion of yours that you’ve wanted to get better at, like surfing for example. I don’t get a partying energy or anything that seems shady at all, you’re just out to have a good time. Some of you are doing something with the goal of working towards a higher position, and that can be anything. Classes in another area or a workshop, but you’re going to have fun too and not hole yourself up in a hotel room being bored.

2 Cups rev:

Your person shows up as King of Cups, this is someone emotionally mature and loves you deeply, but they may not be sharing their emotions with you on how hurt they feel. There is a disconnect between you, maybe due to something you say. It’s possible this person is feeling guarded like they’re about to be hurt. I don’t get a jealous vibe, just an insecure one, or maybe they’re going through something separately and then you get on the phone all joyous and celebrating yourself…could put them off. You’ll definitely feel distance there, which in turn will make you feel insecure. They’re probably doing that on purpose.

The Hermit:

Clarified by The Tower, some drastic shocking event is going to blindside you a bit. It could be travel related, things get delayed, weather gets really bad, your room floods, the sea turns red, any number of things. More than anything though, your person is probably not picking up their phone 📱 If you ghosted them while on your adventure or something, they could be giving you a taste of your own medicine. It’s possible they tried to talk to you about how they feel, and you’re the one making it worse by purposely ignoring them. The Hermit shows you somehow ending up alone for a period of time, if you’re with other people at some point, you won’t be. Crimson Dreams points out sadness, your color energy starts out so positive and ends up with this energy of regret, but the reasons for it won’t be the same for everyone.

Wheel of Fortune:

This is either here to show the outcome for the month, or advice for you in this sad energy. Look at the Wheel as destined occurrences, even blocks, and sometimes we’re blocked from things for reasons we don’t even know but are actually the best thing for us. Have some faith, the future actually looks very bright, happy, sunny, not chaotic weather, and Justice is showing the right thing is going to happen. Things will balance out. New Start indicates happiness on a new path as well, as soon as this issue is taken care of, and Recharge could be the reason. Maybe you two just need a break from each other, if romantic. Or it’ll get better soon, but for now you need a break from their emotions and should just take advantage of that time with the same energy you’re in at the start of the month. Enjoying yourself, by yourself. If you can, depends what this means for you. If someone else is simply trying to hold you back from your dreams & desires, or make you feel guilty about having a good time, fk that 💯 Someone else needs to be accountable for their own issues, and you may come off as kinda selfish or insensitive in the way you deliver that message but…yeah 🤷‍♀️

Signs you may be dealing with:

Virgo, Taurus, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Leo & Aries

Oracles: ✨

66 New Start

Sometimes we must realize that what we have done needs to be discarded and we must make a new start.

17 Flash

A creative flash of inspiration will come to you and quickly give you the perfect solution.

78 Recharge

When the pace of life becomes too hectic, know you slow down, be mindful, and go with the flow.

We enter into August as:

Dancin’ Daisy 🌻

“Let’s just jump and see what happens.” - Joe vs. the Volcano

Dancin’ Daisy represents a new phase in life, the acceleration of all the events that happen. Daisy says “Come to me and jump beyond what you believe, into a new possibility.” It tells you take action where you may not have previously. Daisy is the life energy, she is connected to enthusiasm. Dancin’ Daisy is physical expansion and embodies in physical form the example we all seem. She represents a joyous time for you, a move, a job, or another significant change, such as a marriage. This also signifies taking a risk that will work with faith and trust. This is the moment after the leap, when you cannot see where you will land. The Daisy is reassurance that you will land on your feet, so keep the faith.

Daisy also represents radiant health. Spirit can only manifest through us if we honor the physical body we inhabit. This may mean that you need to adopt a good physical fitness regiment. Your will to heal yourself is great. If a man is attracted to this fable the indication is strong that he is pulling a new partner into his life. This is also an indication for him to look to a woman for his next brilliant idea. If a woman is drawn to this fable, she is the radiant being that is attracting all that she needs.

What is to be learned in August:

Crimson Dreams 🥀:

“I am feeling the loss of my dreams.”

Crimson Dreams indicates holding back in some way. Are you selling yourself short? More than likely, it’s a warning you might be giving up on yourself. Are you in a danger zone of complacency? Are you allowing yourself to coast along in a situation you might not really want? Unless we are willing to risk, we may never realize our dreams. This is a need for new awareness. Don’t give up on your dreams! This is a wake up call to face your situation and live the life you truly desire, because you can.

Red may be a lucky color ❤️

#Aries #aries tarot reading #monthly tarot reading #august 2023 #tarot #tarotblr

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dirtykpopsnaps · 1 year

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Btw it's the same anon that asked about the Jay and Lucas snap and I'm genuinely so sorry I didn't read your post about you taking a break but yes please do I completely understand. I am also going through a tough time right now I know how it feels and tbh your snaps helped a such a good distraction for me and they do entertain me so much. So for now please ignore my asks it was so insensitive of me, I once again sincerely apologize. We will all get through our challenges and problems, all the bumps and cracks in the road as long as we take some time to rest and heal both physically and mentally also to have hope, faith and trust. Please take of yourself!💖

I’m doing my best. I’m just having a really hard time with school and everything rn. As you guys know, I’m on leave because of mental health reasons. Well, the woman I’m working with is making things incredibly hard and I seriously am just so stressed out. I want to just curl into a ball and cry basically all day.

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thecryptidcottage · 1 year

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have you ever heard of you’re a mirror i cannot avoid by bad books ? well, it describes LINDSAY DUFFY to a tee ! the thirty-one year old gardener was spotted browsing through the stalls at portobello road market last sunday, do you know him ? would you say he is more passive or more compassionate instead ? anyway, he reminds me of half a dozen empty tea cups scattered along dusty bookshelves and window sills , the feeling of soft grass drenched in morning dew against bare feet , sketchbooks filled with drawings and watercolors of plants and scribbled notes about them , the hoot of a barn owl in the early hours of dawn , a stack of train tickets on a kitchenette counter that have started to spill onto the floor . maybe you’ll bump into him soon !

STATS.

name: lindsay malcolm duffy gender & pronouns: cisgender male / he + him orientation: homoromantic homosexual age: thirty-one date of birth: 23 may, 1992 zodiac: ☼ cancer ☽ cancer ↑ cancer occupation: gardener at crossrail place roof garden positive traits: intuitive + thoughtful + gentle + kind + loyal negative traits: guarded + passive + regretful + anxious

HISTORY.

trigger warning: internalized / explicit homophobia + drug abuse + death

growing up on a small mains on a family plot of land offered to a young lindsay duffy what appeared to be a means to a simple, satisfying life. the land was breath-taking, the work was honest and left you ready for a good night’s sleep at the end of each day. his father ran the humble dairy farm with the expectation that one day, his children would take over the business and keep it in the duffy name. when he wasn’t occupied with schoolwork, lindsay was learning the ins and outs of keeping the cows happy and the land well-tended.

and to his credit, lindsay did his best to be everything peigi and irving duffy expected of their first and only son — he worked hard, kept his marks up and did choring whenever he had the time. he went to church every sunday and did his best to help his mother mind his baby sister, maisie, four years his junior. yes, lindsay did his best to make sure he was nothing less than the perfect son, and he’d become so good at it, it almost felt like who he really was. and maybe it was, or it could’ve been. but it wasn’t ever wholly who he was, and he never really could be, could he ? not while still hoping to maintain the visage of the ideal son.

peigi and irving duffy are very religious, conservative folk. they‘d always been incredibly opinionated and never felt shy about voicing their disdain for lifestyles they didn’t consider in line with the catholic faith. it was why they’d grown distant from maisie the older she got ; she was a black sheep, a free-thinker who did not fancy herself suited for the farm life or the many limitations of organized religion and did not care for their parents’ expectations of her. but as maisie grew further from their parents, her bond with her older brother grew closer. in spite of how she knew they valued him more for his contributions to the family, she couldn’t bring herself to resent him, because she also knew something about lindsay that they did not.

lindsay was eight years old the first time he thought he might like another boy ; he was still in primary, and he didn’t know what love meant but he understood feelings well enough to know that he shouldn’t be getting butterflies because rory mackenzie decided to share his pick’n’mix and gave him the blue sweets ( his favorite ) because they matched his eyes. it wasn’t a big deal and even thinking that it could have been was pavin’ a road straight to sin, as his mum would say. so he didn’t tell anyone, not until years later when he’d confide everything he’d been carrying since that moment in his sister maisie, and he pretended as if he hadn’t felt anything at all. and the next time rory offered to share his pick’n’mix, lindsay said his mum told him that sweets would make his teeth fall out and that was that.

of course it wasn’t just that, though. it never is. and when lindsay is sixteen and kissing rory mackenzie in the backseat of his car ( because of course it had never just been candy ) and he feels those butterflies in his stomach again and he thinks he might be sick and he can’t tell if this is what love is supposed to feel like, what right is supposed to feel like, because it also feels a little bit like guilt. like fear. but lindsay doesn’t know what fear is until a year later when his father catches the two of them out in the pastures a fair walk from the house ( he’d thought they would be safe ) breathless and shirtless and covered in kisses and love marks.

lindsay doesn’t see rory again after that. doesn’t see anyone, really ; he throws himself into school, into work, into spending time with maisie and going to church every sunday. he goes back to trying to pretend he’s still the perfect son, but it doesn’t work. his father looks at him different and his mother doesn’t try to hold back her tears, but lindsay puts his head down and acts like it never happened. because he doesn’t need whatever that was to be happy, as much as rory did. as much as feeling like himself did. what he needs is his family, his support system. he’s never felt disappointment like this before, what it means to be a disappointment.

convinced that the family business was no longer in the cards for him ( it couldn’t be a family business if he couldn’t continue the family line, could it ? ) lindsay sets his sights on school, where he spends four years struggling through relations with his parents and with himself all in an attempt to get a botany degree. and he does ; he’s always had a green thumb, and working with plants is therapeutic, comforting.

maisie tries to comfort him and lend support when she can, of course, but she’s busy fighting demons of her own. demons that lindsay was too selfish to realize until it was too late. somewhere in his own struggles, she’d picked up a handful of addictions ; pills, powders, anything she could find to tune out of her own reality and into another. their parents were unsurprised and unsupportive, convinced she’d brought her own trials upon herself. defeated by the children they’d ended up with, they stopped finding the effort to put in. lindsay did what he could for his sister, everything he could, but she lost her life to an overdose when she was twenty-five.

after she passed, lindsay couldn’t find anything tying him to scotland. he was fond of his job at the royal botanic garden, but there wasn’t a place he could go that wouldn’t have plants that needed tending. his heart ached for his sister but lingering so close to home only kept her most painful memories fresh ; he could do without the self-righteous blame from his parents every time her name was mentioned. so he packed his bags and left the rural, rolling hills of home for the city, landing a gig at a rooftop garden in london.

lindsay is still trying to find his footing in notting hill ; he’s still navigating grief over the loss of his sister and guilt that he couldn’t be there for her and protect her from their parents when she needed him most and beyond that, still trying to figure out who he is now that he’s not under anyone’s scrutinizing gaze. he’s desperate to seek out silver linings, hoping that a fresh start in a new place might do him some good, but it’s been several months and he’s still yet to make very many friends. or talk to anyone, really. he’s not good at it. but for as wonderful a city as it seems to be, london feels incredibly lonely at the moment.

MISCELLANEA.

lindsay thinking about getting a dog because he’s convinced it’ll make him more sociable. you meet people at dog parks, right ? and besides, a friend is a friend, furry or not. he’s just not sure he’ll have the space to accommodate an animal in his flat.

he loves to cook, and visits the shops every friday evening after he’s off work to pick up groceries so he can try out a new recipe or two. breakfast foods are his favorite, and he’ll tell anyone that they’re a food meant for any time of day.

he started painting while he was in school as a means of visual aid to help him keep track of the plants he was learning about, but since coming to london, he’s leaned into the hobby a great deal to pass the time, and will often paint local streets or rolling verdant landscapes inspired by his home.

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

the neighbors. because they’re probably some of the closest things things lindsay has to friends. i would even go so far as to say i’d be down for a roommate connection, if for no other reason than to force this man to be social. they don’t have to have anything in common or even get along, and it would actually probably be pretty comical if they didn’t, but... yeah. starting off strong with a connection for humans that happen to exist in the same vicinity.

the friend(s). there’s an s there, as in plural, but i’ll be honest, lindsay doesn’t have too many. not for a lack of trying, but more... well, yeah, for a lack of trying. he’s not good at going out and talking to people and can sometimes be a bit awkward, but if you do happen to get him into a conversation, he’s actually a pretty decent guy. would love to see him having gotten close to at least one or two people since moving to the city, people he feels comfortable around. hell, maybe they can try to convince him to get out more.

the crush. ( male/masc nb muses only , mid-to-late twenties or older ! ) this one’s pretty self-explanatory, but your muse would be the first person to have caught lindsay‘s eye since he moved to london. he’s never been much of a charmer or a flirt, but he tries to keep his cool and not stutter or stumble through his words when they’re around ( it’s a gamble half the time on whether or not it’ll work ) and so far he thinks he’s doing a pretty decent job. can be mutual or unrequited ! i’d just like to see him pine a little bit.

the emergency contact. someone that lindsay met shortly after arriving who must’ve noticed how drastically out of depth he seemed in the city and helped him acclimate to the entirely different environment. lindsay owes this person quite a bit ; they helped him learn the ins and outs of living in london, from making the most of public transport to the best place to grab a pint or a cup of tea. without your muse, lindsay probably thinks he wouldn’t have lasted on his own more than a few weeks, but they convinced him it was worth staying.

literally anything! when i tell you i am down for honestly whatever, i mean it, so if you’ve got ideas, please throw them at me!

#↳ intro ( lindsay )

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bi-demon-ium · 2 years

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hey do you wanna rant about mr benedict/milligan right now? to forget about that stupid porn bot and also because we all wanna see the Rant. like what is your favorite part about them, what made you start shipping it, etc 👀

Oh You Asked For It Buddy! You Asked For This! You! Asked! For This!

okay i mean like first of all. there's just something so compelling to me about how it begins like. they both meet at a pretty low point in their lives--although admittedly that's speculation on my part for mr benedict's side of things, but it makes sense (although it does assume milligan was the first he met, but to be fair i think it would still apply albeit to a lesser degree if he were the second, but i digress)--where they're alone, and they have this crazy story that no one believes, and it's just them against the world, you know?

and they meet and they have every fuckin reason not to trust each other. like, milligan is, to someone who doesnt know him, an intimidating man. and nicholas is in a fairly vulnerable position already, it wouldn't be hard to take advantage of his narcolepsy if you knew about it, and honestly, hypothetically, if milligan wanted to, he wouldn't even need to. nicholas isn't exactly the most physical guy and milligan is. large (affectionate) . you know? he could snap him like a twig. on the other hand, mr. benedict has like. money, a house, and he is in a position where he could easily help or hurt milligan, and even in helping him, if he wanted, could take advantage. obviously, just as milligan would never hurt an innocent person, nicholas would never do that. but the possibility is there.

so like both of them are, albeit in different ways, in a vulnerable position with the other. both of them have been through a lot and probably feel like there's no one around them they can trust. both of them have already been hurt and disregarded as "crazy". they have every! every reason not to trust each other! either of them could hurt the other so easily, either of them has every reason to be afraid, to not trust, and yet!!!!! and yet they do!!!!

they choose to trust each other anyway. they choose to work together and it PAYS OFF!!! IT WAS THE RIGHT CHOICE!!! bc they ARE both trustworthy people!! im biting the walls.

and like just imagine how that must have evolved, going from strangers living in the same house, just trying to help each other out of just. compassion. faith. to getting to know each other--what mistakes they might have made, what bumps on the road to becoming a team, a well-oiled machine--and becoming closer, eventually becoming friends. and that trust--fragile, at first, built on faith and hope alone--becoming rock solid, formed of friendship and truly knowing the other. and like, supporting each other, whether it's milligan's memories and how he wonders what kind of person he might have been, or mr. benedict's secrets and his own low self-esteem, being there for each other (when and if) and like. BITING THE WALLS I AM BITING THE WALLS

i just love the idea of like. how they got to know each other, develop that trust into something unbreakable, until they're at even just where we see them in the show, where they clearly trust one another implicitly and work smoothly together and like support each other at every turn and clearly know each other so well like AAAA

and the more domestic things, too, like how it's clearly just something they do when nicholas is reading ivanhoe out loud to them by the fire? like they just do that. that's a thing. in canon. things like that, and like cooking together, teasing each other--like number two's fruit leather being really really good (except the bark kind do not eat that kind), you know, things like that. and how casually they know how to help with his narcolepsy, but don't tiptoe around it, how they try to find things milligan enjoys even if he can't remember, whether it's food or hobbies, how nicholas keeps an epi-pen just in case he's allergic to something and they don't know. practicing first aid or morse code or maybe hand signals they all know just in case. and like they all work pretty well together as a team, in a way that speaks to me of like, experience and practice, even if rhonda is clearly the newest and has friction with number two they still all work together well and seem completely unfazed by bribery, forgery, breaking and entering, etc., so like. i feel like they've had to have done other things, likely in order to get information on the sender or evade him, so like. also that! missions, or research together, working together. you know? and like specifically with mr. benedict and milligan, god imagine that when they were alone. mr. benedict couldn't exactly do fieldwork very safely--or, he could, but with limits--but he doesn't love the idea of sending milligan in alone, either, no matter how capable he proves to be. but what other choice do they have? so like, times after that, whether it's mr. benedict helping him with first aid after a particularly close call, and the quiet intimacy of that (and later, when there's more of them, number two fussing and rhonda bustling about to get the first aid kit, it's not quite the same but it's still so good--but for now, they're alone, and it's just careful hands trying not to shake as they help clean a wound), or researching together, alone, quietly exchanging notes and ideas, and sometimes the conversation drifts to other things as they get to know each other...

like i think a lot about what firsts they might have had. the first time either saw the other had a nightmare, how that changed their perception of the other. how they might start developing little routines for it, too, hot cocoa or not pushing to talk but just reading together or sitting together or a conversation about anything else. the first time they hugged--why? what happened? in what context? and like, that'd be milligan's first hug ever, in his memory, and likely the first nicholas has had in some time, and what's that like? the first time milligan catches him when he falls asleep, how he feels about that, how milligan feels about that, and when was the last time that happened? how does it feel when one day nicholas realizes that it's so normal to him now he almost expects it, he isn't achy and bruised all the time, and that he's used to it? how does it feel when milligan realizes one day he hasn't felt that shaky desperate fear he had those first few weeks or months when he was alone in a long time? that he genuinely feels safe? that this house has become a home, one that nicholas is part of? what about when they both realize that when they have a nightmare it's almost automatic to see if the other is awake, to actually seek comfort, even passively? to know they can get comfort? what about their first serious conversation with each other, beyond milligan's first explanation of his story and nicholas's in turn--confiding in the other and somehow they seem to know what to say, realizing they trust the other to enough to share?

and of course the things they don't share, like nicholas's brother, or things they just don't talk about, don't quite acknowledge. not out of lack of trust but because it's too painful and the other knows not to push. and the things that don't quite click just right--'mr benedict' and 'sir' most of the time, especially during the day and during the work, because he feels indebted even though he has no fear nicholas would ever use that against him. nicholas's own issues with low self esteem, guilt that he's secretly a bad person, that he might be using milligan, that he's never told him the truth about his supposed 'true nature'. how it's not quite perfect, but they're still so close? you know?

(it makes me want to reach out and adjust it just a little, so the puzzle pieces click just right. and canon gives them that chance--milligan's memories restored, their mission done, nicholas's past revealed--there's plenty of chances now to be on completely even ground.)

and like, just. getting that far?? going from strangers bound by fate and necessity to true friends and partners?

and obviously this also applies to the other members of their little found family, them going from being alone to being alone together to slowly finding others, being a team, a family whether they'll admit it or not but like!!

it's about trust! and compassion! and faith and love and goodness in humanity! it's about being alone and finding light in the dark!!! about found family and friendships formed in being alone together trying to help people even when no one helps you!! about people helping and supporting each other!!! it's about friends when it seems hopeless!!! about thinking you're alone and everyone's turned against you and finding someone else like you!!! it's about trust! it's about kindness! it's about love! FUCK!

and honestly, all of this is still iconic and amazing and so so good if it's just like, platonic friendship. or even getting into queerplatonic territory, utterly good and valid 10/10. i'd genuinely be happy with that too. but i admit, i'm a little bit of a romantic at heart--as much as i hate how fandom tends to center shipping and how society puts romance over friendship, i'm kind of a sucker for a fictional romance anyway. albeit usually queer ones that i make myself. (i could probably get into all the complex ways this interacts with my sexuality, because im pretty sure im ace and i might be aro or demi, but honestly, i don't even know lmao. anyway) so i like exploring it as a ship anyway, you know? but it's just one way of looking at it among many, albeit one i tend to favor. (and to think this started as a half-ironic joke 😩 remember kids if you ship something ironically it will become unironic eventually whether you want it to or not)

ANYWAY! i think even once the others are there, like. now don't get me wrong, it's not a case of one or both of them loving the other More than the others. it's not like that. i mean, romance doesn't go above friendship anyway, it's just a different type of love, not More or Better. but like, they've been around together the longest, and they kind of have an understanding. i'm sure each has their own unique understandings with each of the other members of the team, but like, in this case, what i mean is like. milligan saw mr. benedict at his lowest point, even if he was trying very hard to seem fine, and mostly succeeding. especially as at that point they weren't the close-knit friends/colleagues(???? like. team members.) they are now. but he did see that, and i think while there's still plenty of like. that same respect (and again, the insistence that he 'owes mr benedict everything' and use of 'sir' so there is a like. distance there, in some ways--although this is firmly in the realm of headcanon i do believe that perhaps later, when they are alone, and not so mission oriented, he calls him nicholas sometimes. when it's important. you know) he sees him just a little differently. and that goes both ways, very much so.

and as much as i like the idea of just sort of being like and then they get together in some ambiguous pre-canon so i don't have to deal with as many characters or the main plot, i do also love like. post-canon for a lot of reasons like.

now we gotta/get to deal with:

they both have kids now (kate and constance!)

nicholas's evil twin + the main plot in general

milligan's memories are back! im sure this wont have any far-reaching implications for their relationship (and just in general)

the complexities of how specifically it was nicholas's twin brother who took those memories

the mission is over so one could certainly imply there is no longer a "workplace", but they're sticking together anyway (or you could go with the wetherall farm, which adds its own complications, but either way it's not like they're going to suddenly never talk again) so like. perhaps no more 'mr benedict' although old habits are hard to break, especially with curtain's new evil plans on the horizon (and will mr. benedict get kidnapped? hm)

generally just dealing with like. the various implications of the events of season one (the kids, curtain's future evil plans, sq, milligan's memories, etc etc etc)

which ujst brings so so so much to consider i dont even have time for all of this like. i just love the idea. like.

they're dads. they're both dads. this has so many implications. how they end up kind of co-parenting both kids even though technically constance is nicholas's and kate milligan's (and they were already sisters before they realized they were their respective kids anyway). how they each get to see the other being a great dad and just go ah..... hes such a good dad....... :). how they rely on each other and support each other (since again they are both just like Suddenly Single Dads ldkfgjdfg--they also, obviously, have the other adults, but again, they are both in kind of the same boat, albeit in wildly different routes to get there). how their kids do interact with this whole thing and see this and how they might react to "so our dads might be in love? hm" (both potential for angst and comedy, but in this case i lean towards the latter)

milligan's memories. like. remembering the person he was before, and who he is now, and like. choosing to let himself be both, rather than trying to force himself to be the person he was ten years ago? like he'll remember things--his childhood home, memories with young kate, memories of whoever her mother was, of his parents, of whatever from his past--and it's like. how could he ever have forgotten? and like. the fact that nicholas's twin took them from him. took kate from him. but like, he doesn't blame nicholas (even though nicholas very much blames himself) even when he remembers his time actually working at the institute and remembers curtain's face. like actually remembers being dragged off to the brainsweeper and curtain's face when it happened. and like, the good and the bad, knowing that as nicholas promised--i'll be there for you when you need me, when and if--that he has support, both with this and with kate, that he isn't alone anymore, that if someone tried to take his memories again, tried to take him again... he'd be missed, people would look for him, and even if he were to be taken, kate would be okay, because of course nicholas and the others would never allow her to be alone again. and like the implications of all these things coming back to him, from railroad trivia to chemistry to the people he once knew, and how it mixes with the memories and the person he's become over these last ten years... like. milligan choosing to keep the name milligan, because he's gone by it for ten years and all the people he loves know him as that and it is his name, now, and he chose it himself, he chooses to keep it. (not me wanting to talk about personal headcanons with him and/or nicholas being trans--) and like how these memories affect how he sees the world now, how he sees his newer memories now, how he might notice things he wouldn't have before, know things he didn't know... how would affect his perspective? their perspective, even? their relationship?

and like i just think that while there's a lot going on so it's unlikely anything would happen right away, it is like. fertile ground for the seeds to be planted. with their long mission over, the emergency finally vanquished, and nicholas's past out in the open, milligan's past unlocked and memory slowly becoming whole, they're on more even footing than ever. and even as they end up going against his brother again--and no doubt nicholas offers them all a way out, especially milligan who's already lost so much and could easily lose more, with kate still here, but not one of them takes it--they are once again fighting side by side (metaphorically speaking) which leaves plenty of room for tense situations and possibilities, and just like.

their relationship developing further, they get closer, more comfortable with each other now that those little things that never quite clicked have been adjusted. those firsts, again, do you think? the first time nicholas has a nightmare about his brother and actually shares what it was about, the first time milligan talks about his memories and his conflicting feelings about them, about kate and curtain...

(you could also get more tropey, like the first time they fall asleep together, because the day is long and the night is so dark and for once they're comfortable enough to just ask. just ask.

or getting a little sillier, things like 'the first time we totally had to like, pretend to date/make out/whatever. you know. for the mission/the distraction/the cover.' (this could also be pre-canon to be fair) or 'curtain attempts to give milligan the shovel talk because he somehow thinks he has the high ground. they're not even in a relationship yet. this does not end well' or whatever lmao)

and of course. i mean. first kiss! first kiss! so many possibilities! i'm falling apart! is it sudden, impulsive, in the aftermath of a horrible time or in the eye of the storm? is it slow and warm and it just feels inevitable, neither of them are surprised because they felt it coming a mile away? is it silly? is it casual? is it accidental? is it late in the night, warm and tipsy? or gentle, and one of them wasn't expecting it, but they melt anyway? is it desperate and before a parting, or full of relief in a reunion? do they talk afterwards or is there no need for words? or is there no time, no time at all? are they alone? with friends? among enemies? is it clumsy and unpracticed but sweet, or perfect?

and like where do they go from there? i feel like surprisingly not that much would change, especially outwardly--they're all already so close, and tight-knit, and they support each other so much already, it's just like. not that they need romance to heal but it helps, both just bc of where they're at with their pasts finally being dredged up and dealt with, and because they do have each other! maybe nicholas gets more openly affectionate, finally feeling like he's allowed, beginning to let go of his guilt, and maybe milligan begins to laugh easier again, smile more. but not much changes, just that sometimes when nicholas laughs himself to sleep with a dumb pun or beams brightly when one of them teases him, milligan leans forward to kiss him (and maybe the kids heckle them, delighted and teasing), and sometimes when milligan laughs nicholas doesn't even try to hide the lovelorn look and instead steps closer. and if they sleep in the same bed, it's not like anyone cares or has reason to notice, and if they end up basically being dads to each others' kids as well, honestly, the entire group is basically co-parenting All of the kids, even the ones that are decidedly none of theirs, so really, it's not a big difference.

and like a first date.... would they try a little too hard before realizing that they don't have to change just bc they've changed what their relationship is called? like a kinda awkward dinner or something where they're trying a little too hard to be A Romantic Relationship(TM) but then they actually talk and it's like okay fuck this fancy restaurant let's go somewhere more us and they end up like. at the library, or at the park, somewhere they've been before, and just like. talking. except now, you know, when he looks over at nicholas waving his hands animatedly while explaining something and thinks ah, i want to kiss him, he CAN. and so on. or you know, maybe that doesn't happen at all, maybe they don't feel the need for 'dates' in that sense, even if perhaps they do intentionally spend more time with just the two of them, maybe the transition is smooth and easy.

it's not like it'd be perfect or without problems, and the issue of their inexplicably intertwined tragic backstories, namely tied together by nicholas's brother, doesn't exactly go away. but like. they're all already so close? you know? and they love each other. and both of them cant help but like. wake up and see their partner--because boyfriend feels small, and they've been partners for a lot longer than they've been kissing--and just think they're so very lucky to have made it here. to have a family, to have come so far, no longer alone and afraid but surrounded by loved ones, now a father and a husband partner and just part of a family.

(of course, the wedding is a whole other thing. but you know.)

as for what made me start shipping it, honestly, it was half a joke at first. not like, in a bad way, but i wasn't serious, because this is a fandom i generally go gen for, considering it's so found family focused. even in this ask a lot of what i was talking about kinda shifted to that general found family vibe in my brain before i course corrected back. that's not a bad thing, again, but basically it was kind of a half-ironic idea, just because they had a few scenes that made me go 👀 (the 'when and if' conversation at the bonfire, the conversation outside the cabin ('i ask so much of you, of all of you' 'yes. but you give more'), the conversation at the telescope ('please. i know there's more.' '...we'll stay until we spot him') etc.) and also i noticed that the tent they camped in by the telescope was fuckin tiny and i was like "oh they were DEFINITELY cuddling. spooning perhaps. platonically or otherwise it for SURE happened that tent is tiny and neither of them are. ESPECIALLY not milligan. come now."

and not that there needs to be a ship, but like, most of the adults it would feel weird to ship (even if number two and rhonda aren't canonically confirmed as sisters or mr. benedict's daughters, it would feel very gross to ship any of those three together because it just feels weird) and as cute as kate and martina are, shipping kids like. more than just sort of super pg 'they'd be cute together <3' feels weird for me, as an adult. you know? and while i'm fine with no ships, my point being even if were to develop an attachment, options are limited. (rhonda/miss perumal has potential tho and i stand by that statement!)

anyway it was kind of a joke at first, since early on, obviously there was less show canon to work with so book canon shaped a lot of how i and generally the fandom viewed the characters (not that it still doesnt but now we have plenty to work with within the show. when season one was still coming out there was less, obviously.) so like. it's kind of funny bc obviously in the books mr. benedict is like a seventy year old grandpa and milligan is still a like, middle aged dad. technically i mean consenting adults but also what the fuck. obviously im over that by now but it did add a certain comedic dissonance to it.

but the more i thought about it, the more i thought about it seriously. until i started being like "wait. wait. wait oh no. wait i might--" and then i was like "STOP LAUGHING GIRL HELP IM SHIPPING IT FOR REAL" and then i was like "okay i ship it unironically now but it's just me and one (1) other person so i'm not gonna bring it up a lot and mostly just keep it to us" and then somehow along the way i lost whatever shame i had and dragged the entire active part of the fandom down with me into the canoe. it's still a small fandom and still basically just me and august writing any content for it, for the most part, but considering i've got most of the fandom to come around i'd call that a win. somehow. insane. not that i'm single handedly responsible but like. while i don't think i was the only one to watch it and think 'oh they have chemistry' i was, as far as i can tell, the first to write anything for/about it or talk about it openly? you know? yeah. anyway

the point is, the more i thought about it the more i was like.....hm. actually,

and now im here. captain of the nicholas/milligan ship. oops

as for the etc., here are some random headcanons:

mr benedict.... little spoon. However! not always.

that being said my reasoning is as follows: not bc milligan Big although also true. bc milligan is very much like. a Protector and feeling like. like someone feels safe with him, feels safer in his arms than alone, rather than in any way afraid of him or intimidated? particularly in such a physical way? is just like. it's nice. that his intimidating stature can equate to safety and protection and warmth and comfort rather than scary and danger and intimidation and violence. someone putting their back to him and being vulnerable and relaxing because of it? wow. conversely, nicholas very much needs a hug at all times have you met the man?? and letting himself have that, being okay with being the comforted instead of the comforter, is something that could just be. like. so good. so i think it would be really nice for both of them. that being sad that doesnt mean they could/would never switch because it's not like you're assigned little or big spoon at birth and you can never switch or change your mind. come on now. also milligan deserves to be little spoon too sometimes <33 and mr benedict? good big spoon. very good.

that first year they ended up picking a birthday for milligan. possibly he chose the day he woke up, or even better/sadder, the day he came to the house for the first time. they celebrate it every year, and the first time, nicholas may or may not have gone out and gotten like ten different slices of cake in different flavors in an attempt to find his favorite. turns out he's partial to red velvet and is not a fan of chocolate. milligan wants to return the favor (not the cakes thing, just the general like. making it feel like. special?) but mr benedict is weirdly evasive about his birthday and clearly not comfortable talking about it, so instead he picks some other holiday to make a special effort for. christmas is the logical option but also the idea of milligan going super hard on halloween to cheer nicholas up is utterly delightful.

stargazing. easy to do from the roof (if they dare 😩) or the garden, perhaps. very nice. lots of opportunities to infodump. not to project my Romance Fantasies but like, nicholas likes to like, basically infodump a bunch of information (bc honestly is there a better nd way of showing love than sharing information you care about with people you care about? bc it makes you happy and you want to share things that matter to you and bc you hope it's interesting and will make them smile?) and like, milligan genuinely likes to listen? like it's not a burden or something to put up with for someone he loves, he genuinely thinks it's interesting (and he's--he's cute all lit up and excited and explaining!!!) and enjoys listening and nicholas is like oh, i've been talking your ear off, i'm sorry, i tend to go on too long, it's alright if you need to tell me to stop, and milligan just like. says no, i enjoy listening. and eventually maybe he says it enough nicholas believes it, you know?

that being said it goes both ways, albeit less often, as milligan tends to be on the quieter side. but when it is about something he cares about or knows a lot about, nicholas is just as happy to listen.

and either way, whoever's talking, it ends up evolving into a spirited conversation as they ask questions or make their own connections and it's just great

(again i must say this isn't exclusively between them, the whole found family vibes with this kind of thing, but sometimes--i mean. sometimes it is just them, under the stars, and you know, i just. i'm picturing like.

nicholas is so bright and excited explaining something about constellations or observatories or pulley systems or classic literature or whatever it is, waving his hands, going off on tangents then trying to course correct back again, and milligan--he is listening, and he certainly doesn't want to miss any of it, but he can't help but also think i want to kiss him. because he's just. beautiful, passionate, and milligan loves him.

and he waits for a pause in the flow of information, where normally he might ask a question, and he does. because he can. and nicholas is kind of like. quietly pleased, what was that for? he asks a little playfully, and milligan just says, simply, like it's obvious, something like because you're you, or because i love how passionate you are, or even just because i wanted to, and nicholas smiles, and then milligan asks a question because goddamn it he was listening and nicholas lights up and off the conversation goes again)

also nicholas just loves doing so many like. little things? i feel like love languages are kind of bullshit because everyone is a mix, even if they favor certain things more than others, but with nicholas i feel like. the way to get through to him is generally touch, physical affection, although like. obviously the others (particularly quality time, and also maybe words of affirmation) help. but the way he shows it is in little things, being thoughtful in little ways. (also quality time. but. as i said. love languages are really not clear cut i think.) like sometimes that's gifts, or words right when they're needed, but he's good at reading what other people need. so like. little ways of being supportive, little gifts given not too directly so much as left, like he doesn't want to take credit, even when everyone knows it was him. with milligan that could be a lot of things--making sure that dinner is a favorite food of his when he seems down, leaving little gifts or trinkets for him or finding a way to sort of just. casually give them to him, because he didn't have anything when he came here and he deserved more than an empty room, he deserved a home, and even if he couldn't give him his memories he could damn well make better new ones, and like. whether it's little material things that are his (his, because he has things that are his now, that belong to him and him alone, not just the dirty uniform he showed up in that had never felt like his anyway) or thoughtful gestures or even, later, when they're in a relationship, things like flowers (probably carefully chosen both for their colors and meanings) and what have you, and just like. he loves doing nice things for milligan okay, more than any grand gestures, just. little things to make his day better, his life better

anyway this is insanely long so im gonna stop now. my point is: nicholas/milligan good<3

#sorry this is so late i got distracted and then i fell asleep and THEN i had to do a thing and . so on . but anyway . here i am now #man i wrote like a bunch of this and then lsot it and. UPSET #nicholas/milligan #the mysterious benedict society #mbs disney #nicholas benedict #milligan wetherall #mr. benedict #milligan #5405 words!!! what the fuck!!!!!!!!#mysteriousfisherman

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