wretchedness

1, 4, 15, 18, 20! for the fic writing meme

you delight me, anon! (from here) this got... hmm, pretty long, so most of it’s going under a cut!

1. Tell us about your current project(s) – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

back in december, after being wildly disappointed by tros, i thought to myself: none of this bullshit would have happened if they’d just let ahsoka and her irritating ghostly older brothers show up and train finn, who is in fact a [last name redacted] for reasons.

then i started actually plotting it out, realized my 50k concept (“Finn wakes up with a massive headache and, apparently, the ability to see dead people. Then the dead people in question start talking to him.”) needs approximately 300k of background to fully be what i want to be (an anthology love letter to the star wars universe, if it was nicer to my faves), opened a nice fresh word doc and started plotting the whole damn thing. it is called “ahsoka tano’s rules for rebels, rogues, and renegades.” in my head i call it atr4, and my tag for it is “death shall have no dominion” because, ghosts. it is very dear to me right now because i get to invent assorted relationships out of wholecloth between my favorite characters who never met in canon, which is my favorite thing to do.

so, i have two (2) actually in-progress WIPs in that universe:

the actual “Ahsoka trains Finn” headliner fic of this ‘verse, which is currently 6000 words of disconnected scenes i have typed in intermittent fugue states over the last six months

the “Obi-Wan is sad in the desert, but maybe not as sad as in canon, because, well, You Know” fic which is also the “wtf happened to Cody in this ‘verse” fic which is currently 1600 words of imperial!cody Suffering

and a list of ten (10) more that i swear are all connected. i swear it! (highlights from the list include “four almost-padawans of ahsoka tano + one who was” and “rex earns his jaig eyes at least twelve times over during the empire, and another five after.”)

the other (star wars) fic i have on my roster for codywan week (if i can swing it in time) is going to be shorter (why do i feel like i just cursed myself with that word) and the working summary (which has existed only in my head up until now) is: “fives, on the lam from the coruscant guard, the chancellor, and, worst of all, anakin skywalker, runs into cody and an unfamiliar trooper on his way to the meeting point. this has galactic consequences.” who is the unfamiliar trooper/Person In Clone Armor? 3 guesses and the first two don’t count. what are the consequences? well… we’ll see!

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

i first wrote this as a jocasta nu line in her cameo in hear me through the hum, but i liked it so much that i’ve incorporated it into atr4: “And besides, the Jedi are not made up of lightsabers and holocrons, are we? We are made up of the strength in our hearts, the deeds of our hands, and the Light which we follow.”

i think this is maybe the best way i've found of phrasing my own personal view of the jedi (not my own view of the jedi order, but my view of the jedi), which is that they’ve got access to this immense power but what actually makes you a jedi is what you do with it. it’s not the trinkets or the ancient wisdom or the code or whatever, it’s taking the power that lives in you and using it to do good even when the world is dark and the work is thankless. you can be a jedi without the order, but you can’t be a jedi if you aren’t striving for the light.

on a lighter (?) note, i’m also quite proud of the whole “obi-wan keeps trying to talk about the mission report while he’s slowly bleeding out. cody is losing his fucking mind” scene in there, because ah… that’s love, babe!

15. Which is harder: titles or summaries (or tags)?

aw jeez. titles, since i'm usually picking from a list of 10 lines from songs or poems (or, veeery occasionally, making one up) and a lot of the time the line that is my working title isn’t the line that ends up being the final title!  

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them.

to be completely and honestly tbh, not… really? especially with characterization, i tend to write about characters who i have Very Firm ideas about who they are and how they would act in whatever given situation. this is good for writing (because i usually know exactly what a character would do, facing a particular choice) but sometimes bad for reading (because sometimes i'll read something and think, “that character would never do that!” even though, of course, that’s just like, my opinion, man).

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

a difficult question! because there’s so much. i include tons and tons of references in everything but for the sake of (relative) brevity i’ll say that especially in atr4 where i’ve got 2500 words JUST OF NOTES FOR THE ‘VERSE i am constantly thinking about the way everything is connected. for example, because of the comparisons i’m aiming to draw there, i currently have most of a duel between ahsoka, kylie renner, and finn written which is a close parallel of the qui-gon, maul, and obi-wan duel. (except, spoilers, ahsoka won’t get killed by a punk bitch like kyle, because reasons.)

part of this is that i love some aspects of the cyclical themes in star wars (“same eyes in different people,” legacy lightsabers, death-yet-the-force) and hate other aspects (i loathe that every sw movie is like “blood isn’t important, anyone can be a hero!” but then every freakin time it turns out that in fact, blood is important, and maybe the most important). so i tend to want to emphasize the ones i like and toss the ones i don’t.

plus, after years of writing, i have realized that there are a few well-worn themes i always circle back to, and one of those is the notion that family doesn’t define you, that it is more than blood, that you have agency over what you do and who you are and who you choose to surround yourself with. i believe in free will and have trouble with characters who think certain outcomes are Destined, but it’s a lot of fun to mess around with the concept of fate, especially in sw where it’s so ingrained in canon. screw destiny! write your own story! said every story i ever wrote.

I HAVE SOME FEELINGS ABOUT PADME AMIDALA and why, despite that I get a lot of people hated her ending and I can’t entirely disagree that it was because her character wasn’t written for her own sake, but for Anakin’s sake, that I still have a lot of feelings about this and why it’s intensely important to me personally. I’ve been giving Padme’s character a lot of thought lately, as I’ve been digesting Queen’s Shadow and how it’s made me really have to untangle a lot of the feelings I have about her character.  One of the things you need to know about me is that I love complicated, messy female characters, that they are so very much my jam.  My main blog is dedicated to female characters and one of the things I often look for when wanting to reblog stuff is, “Is this woman kind of a jerk sometimes?  But still unequestionably a hero of the story?  OMG, MY LOVE, MARRY ME.”  Or “Is this woman kind of failing at something, but I never question that she’s a worthwhile person to tell her story?  OMG, I LOVE HER, TELL ME MORE.” So much of this comes from my frustration with how women are portrayed in media, that in order to be “good” characters, they had to be all things to all women, which meant they had to be perfect.  Which, itself, was also a limitation on the characters, it was a reaction to the limitations of them, rather than just letting the characters be.  In order for them not to be torn to shreds, they had to have absolutely no flaws, they had to be able to do everything just as well and still were only considered half as good as the male characters by a lot of people.  Male characters get to run the gamut and we never have to justify that character type, whether they’re the best person ever or the worst person ever or somewhere in between.  They can just be. Women, on the other hand, if they have a flaw, it gets magnified a thousandfold and then they’re just a worthless bitch.  I want to reject that idea so hard.  No!  Give me snotty, not always nice, but whole-heartedly good women!  Give me smug, arrogant, asshole but whole-heartedly good women!  Give me messy, complicated, depressed, mean but whole-heartedly good women!  I wanttttt themmmmm allllll and I AM GOING TO MARRY THEM ALL. This is why I do really love Star Wars, I can get an absolute array of those characters, from the softest, kindest, “weakest” character, to the nastiest, meanest, but sympathetic character, to the full on villain who isn’t redeemable at all but can still be cool.  Yeah, SW still has a long ways to go (especially in terms of diversity–we’re inching forward, please give me more, LF! I’m so ready!!) but there are so many women I love. So, for me, I really, really like the complicated, messy Padme of Revenge of the Sith.  I get that a lot of people see her differently and feel like she was written only for the sake of Anakin’s manpain, that a lot of people hate that she died of a broken heart, and I can’t say I disagree that she probably got really shafted in terms of it being her story.  But I really want to find meaning in her story and look at it from her point of view, and, for me, Padme has always been someone who is a GIANT BALL OF FEELINGS, so much so that she cares intensely about people she just barely met and remembers them for years afterwards, but also that she can be blinded to the suffering of others because the other person she cares about is right in front of her.  Padme’s willingness to ignore the murder of the indigenous children on Tatooine, her willingness to ignore the murder of the Jedi children and go raise their baby together with Anakin, for me those things are about a Padme who is utterly relatable to me in that her feelings are so intense they burned the candle at both ends, and eventually that consumed her. The fall of the Republic, the fall of democracy, the fall of Anakin, the increasing isolation we see of her during AOTC and ROTS, where her fire is steadily snuffing itself out because it’s using up all her oxygen, is part of what draws me to her character.  Not because Padme is lesser or more of an asshole for this, but because she’s relatable to me, because I love her and feel for her and cry for her, what she goes through and how it tears at her. Padme being so strong that she can sway entire governments to her plans and being so weak that she dies of a broken heart when she loses the Republic and Anakin?  THAT’S MY GIRL, THAT’S IT, THAT’S HER, THAT’S THE ONE I LOVE AND WANT TO INTERNET MARRY. In the struggle to come to this understanding of how I feel about this character, I realized something that I’d never quite connected to before--I strongly identify with Padme’s giving up on life.  I’ve had suicidal thoughts for almost my entire life, that if there had been a way for me to just give up on life, to just lay down and not exist anymore, I don’t think I would still be here today.  The only thing that stopped me was that I wasn’t actively aggressive enough about it.  I didn’t precisely want to die, I just didn’t want to live, either.  It took me a very long time to get to a better place, but I can still look back on that time of my life and intensely remember how I felt--I know my family and friends love me, but I’m such a burden on them, I’m failing them, yes, they’d be sad when I was gone, but they’d heal, they wouldn’t have this weight dragging them down, they would be better off without me, because this world is so painful for me to live in, that I wish I wasn’t in it anymore. When I look at Padme Amidala, I see someone who burned so brightly, but that she crumbled bit by bit.  I see someone who had no one to turn to when she was crying alone in her apartment as the Republic was falling, as the Jedi Temple burned, and Anakin was falling off the cliff.  I see someone who, instead of continuing to push for something she felt strongly about, dropped it when Anakin was was upset about it and said, “Hold me, like you did by the lake on Naboo.”  I see someone who knew how badly Anakin’s dreams upset him and what he was capable of when the worst happened, like on Tatooine, and said, “They’re just dreams.” because she was trying to hold all of this together.  I see someone who had no time to address the underlying problems in the Republic because of the 20 tire fires going on, who had no time to address the underlying problems in her marriage because there were 20 more tire fires going on, and I see someone who lost them both. I see someone who pleaded on Mustafar, ignoring more murder of children, to come away with her and raise their child together.  I see someone who passionately believed that love would save them all and it didn’t, Anakin still became Darth Vader, the Republic still fell, the Jedi still died, and she felt like everything she’d done was nothing, she’d failed them all. I can all too easily imagine myself in Padme’s place, feeling like I’d failed at everything, like I wasn’t enough, no matter how brightly I burned, no matter how much I poured myself into my efforts to help people and change the world around me, that I cannot live in it anymore, that even if they’ll be sad without me for awhile, I would only fail them again.  That there were some things about myself that it took me a very, very long time to be able to face and deal with. So many of the arguments against Padme’s death often come around to, “She wouldn’t just give up!” like Padme’s too good to be depressed and suicidal, like she’s better than that.  Which then implies that the people who struggle with this are somehow lesser or worthless, that because I have felt this way before, because I would be dead now if I could die in a fairy tale way of just giving up on life, that I’m lesser and worthless, too.  That my struggle with this makes me bad.  Which is not my favorite feeling in the world, no. I don’t demand that anyone agree with me, nor do I necessarily think this was the narrative intent.  But I see a woman who cried alone in her apartment, I see a woman who couldn’t face some things that she couldn’t deal with, I see a woman who tried and tried and tried and failed (in her eyes), I see a woman who was capable of great things but was crushed under the weight of loss and quite possibly her own thoughts. And I see a lot of myself there.  So, Padme Amidala dying of a broken heart, losing the will to live, being unable to live even for the people she has left, that struck a hard resonating note with me.  In the same way that Anakin’s anxieties and fears consumed him has meaning for me (as someone who suffers through a shitload of anxiety), so too does Padme’s depression and willingness to give up.

HELLO 10 and 20 for star wars asks? xx

HELL YEAH 10 AND 20 FOR STAR WARS ASKS

10 - Which character do you feel is most like you?

[shields leo's eyes] I did not ever consider Anakin would snatch me by the neck and remind me of my own life path, but, here we are with this little bitch living in my brain rent-free. Like. It was almost laughably scary how many parallels I ended up drawing to him and made me go "YIKES THAT'S A LOTTA RED FLAGS THIS IS NOT GOOD" so. In a way, I hate him. But I love him. Am I gonna excuse him blindly? Nah. But defend him? Lightly.

20 - What type of pet would you have?

Call be basic but, tookas are so fucking cute. But leave it up to me to find something more lethal and call it a pet. Can I get a pet Corridor Ghoul??