I love collei so much but it should be noted. the collei that I love is the completely fake ideal version of her that only exists inside of my head

Some (gator) guys

Fredrick(he/him) is the most level headed one out this bunch. He deals with guests- be it complaints or them being lost. He is at his wits end with Helle due to their messing with guests- which just makes his life harder. He was there before Hero took over as boss, and is just waiting until he can retire. He knows a little about what goes on behind the scenes and will sometimes give a disappointed glance but could care less.

Damascus(She/they)(btw the name means sack of blood!) is here for two different jobs. 1: Take care of any decorative plants outside, and 2: deal with any corpses that somehow… turn up. They grow a bunch of protected plants and sell them as a side-gig, which is also a cover for their actual use in making it so that no one can easily legally dig up the graves. She is more than willing to suck up to Fern. All her clothes have either bleach or blood stains on them- comes with the territory of their work.

Fern(she/her) is rather reserved, but during lunch breaks will say the most absurd things- like the exact strength someone would need to punch the air to create such a ripple of force that it changes solar winds to an extent at which they can cause so much damage to the sun that it runs out of fuel and blows up. She plays a ton of card games on the side of the casino, and claims to be the best card counter on the staff(wether this is accurate or not has yet to be tested).

Oliver(he/him) he’s been working at LR for about a month now and is somehow still super enthusiastic about the job. He helps with finances and sometimes fixing the lights if fuses burn out- which he’s not supposed to or anything. He just does it to collect the lightbulbs for some terrifyingly sharp art project, and it saves money so he hasn’t been stopped yet.

Emmie(They/them) they do a lot of maintenance work at Last Resort, and have accidentally scared some folks a by coming tumbling out of a vent after fixing a wire. They work at night now to avoid alarming guests after that one. They’re actively trying to get a petition going to get a giant sting ray tank/petting area installed somewhere in Last Resort. Sometimes they’ll bring in little figurines of oceanic critters and put them on the desks of their coworkers they get along with.

Robert(he/him) is done with literally everything. He is planning to quit as soon as he makes sure he doesn’t owe anyone any favours, which based on the amount of times he has asked people for something with either caffeine or sugar in it could take the next few years. He works in accounting and usually says that “you aren’t counting dollars, you’re counting your reasons to live and currently the numbers are becoming less meaningful” whenever someone brings up that he needs some rest and to take care of himself for once.

Helle(he/they)(name is short for Hellebore which is a poisonous plant!) is on room service, they’re overly polite and mentally jot down every time someone is rude to him or their friends and is extremely careful to hide their things and move objects(which are provided by the hotel and upon movement cost you money) upon tidying up their room. He carries a Swiss Army knife all the time because they’re oddly useful in day-to-day life, and if due to timing he gets caught up I anything they have a knife and can weasel their way out.

OOOOUUUUGGGG OH MY GOD??? HOLY SHIT YOU MADE SO MANY THIS IS LITERALLY SO FUCKING COOL

fredrick seems pretty based tbh hes got the vibes of some dude whos been doing this for WAY too long and wants to go home LMAOO bro wants to retire

DAMASCUS IS SO SILLY LMAOOOO THE FUCKING PLANT THING MAKING IT SO ITS HARDER TO DIG UP GRAVES MADE ME LAUGH THATS SO SMART……. shoutout to any corpse hiders

AND FERN BEING THE BEST CARD COUNTER?!!?!!?! THATS ALSO SO FUNNY SHE IS SINGLE HANDEDLY RIGGING THE CASINOS…….. she seems so silly to hang out with id wanna be her friend

i like that oliver is still very enthusiastic abt working there that is very rare with gator guys i feel…… so many of them r roped into contracts by hero and then once they realize theyre stuck there they get all pissed LMAO i greatly encourage whatever his silly art project is

ALSO EMMIE IS SO BASED FINALLY SOMEONE WHO FULLY EMBRACES THE OCEAN AESTHETIC OF BEING A GATOR GUY AND THE LAST RESORT SO BASED….. i fully support their endeavours to get a sting ray tank thats so funny

I THINK ROBERT MIGHT BE MY FAVOURITE OUT OF ALL OF THEM THOUGH…….. i love a guy who hates his job. he knows whats goin on and wants no part of it LMAOO he wants out so bad……. so sorry my boy you signed the contract ur stuck here!

helle sounds like someone u do NOT wanna mess with bro has a hit list in their brain if everyone whos ever been mean to them and also carries around a swiss army knife LMAOOO also him moving shit around all the time is also so funny

Anzu Kinashi Character Analysis

This will contain whole game spoilers, including 3-1B spoilers!

I want to start out by saying, there won't be too much to this. Anzu is a lovely character, but she didn't talk very much or get any character development, which is disappointing, but we'll have to work with what we were given.

Let's start with the first time you might be able to see her, which is the victim video you can buy during chapter two with tokens.

She's obviously crying and panicking, stating that she doesn't understand what's happening. That's expected of her, considering she's a teenager and we later find out this makes sense given her personality. She begs for her mom and dad, or just someone to help her. But as we know, she fails the trials. Her last word before dying was 'mom', so we can assume she was close with her mom.

Next is when we actually meet her.

She is much different, probably because she's not in immediate danger. She's bubbly and friendly, although bit insecure and easily intimidated (when she thinks that Sara is judging her outfit).

It makes sense that she's friendly, because if she works as a clown, she must work with little kids a lot. Of course her onstage and offstage persona's will be different, but we can gather that much information from her job.

She's also very forgetful. Forgetting the important information she got when she was first made into a doll.

So basically she's a slightly aloof, but overall friendly teenager.

Now we only have her interactions, basically the only one's that have some importance are in 3-1B, and there's only really two I want to talk about.

First is her reconciling with Maple. It's actually Naomichi's idea to have her be the one to deal the final blow. As we've seen her often react, she's horrified by that, but agrees as long as everyone else builds up friendship first.

This is actually very important in her character. Remember earlier during the Keiji vs. Midori fight, where the dolls didn't want to help otherwise it would kill them.

Anzu wanted to be helpful and have everyone get along, but she was scared for her life.

But now that everyone is actually working together, and despite being scared, Anzu is ready to do the most important role during the fight.

Now about the reconcile itself. Anzu is the one who takes Maple by the hands and apologizes, and makes her understand that they needed the ID card. Once it works, Anzu smiles and says something along the lines of "Now we're friends again!".

The way Anzu acted, I believe was helped by her job. Because being a clown means being friendly, but if you're around younger kids, you're going to have to be slightly firm. Maple was almost acting like an out of control child, needing people to do certain things to help make her feel better.

So plus the courage she's gotten from her allies (the very small character development she gets) and the experience from her job, Anzu was able to calm down Maple and get the card.

Sadly, that's about the extent that her character gets in development. Because next we have to talk about her death, and so far, her final one.

When Midori chose coffin two, it was very similar to Anzu's real death. Anzu, seeing no way out of the situation, started screaming and begging for help. Then she died.

This death was a little different then her original one. In the first one, she was more confused on what to do to escape, and in the second one, she understood that she couldn't escape, and hoped to rely on her allies, as she had learned was okay to do. But in the end it was useless.

Now there's one final thing to talk about.

Anzu's percentage. This is actually very interesting, as she got an 8.0 percent.

That's actually pretty high, just bellow Sara, Naomichi, Keiji, Q-taro and Shunsuke.

At first glance, it's not too strange. People who have been proven to be very strong are all above her. But if we follow that pattern, shouldn't Alice, Reko, Mishima and (possibly) Megumi be above her?

That means she not that high because of physical strength, but because of her way with people.

Alice, Reko, and Megumi have all proven to have issues with their fellow participants, while Mishima is a bit too trusting of them.

Then we have Anzu. She's very friendly and trustworthy, despite being skittish at first. But as she gets to know everyone, she's much more outgoing.

But also, don't forget Anzu during Maple's fight. Easily able to convince her to come over to their side.

Who's to say Anzu couldn't convince other people of other things? Like keeping her alive.

I'm not saying Anzu's manipulative, I'm saying she's convincing and willing to work with her allies to survive (which some of the people bellow her have trouble working with others), which can keep her alive.

Because Anzu can work with other people easily, and fight with good arguments, it explains why she has a higher chance of surviving then others.

Sorry there's not much here. Anzu got very little screen time, and I had to work with what information I could get. Any recommendations on who I should do next?

Housefull 2 MDZS/The Untamed AU

HELLO THERE MY LOVELIES! I’M MAKING A WILD TUMBLR REAPPEARANCE AND I BRING WITH ME SHINY NEW SHOWS I’VE WATCHED AND PERHAPS THE GREATEST AU I’VE EVER WRITTEN DOWN! 

Okay, so, I’m going to preface this by saying that I finally watched the Untamed over the past summer and now am slightly obsessed. I am also in the middle of reading the novel and watching the animation, so... that’s something.

Anyway, today, I decided that it would be a good idea to rewatch my favorite childhood film, a little Bollywood comedy titled Housefull 2. Upon rewatching this, I realized that the MDZS characters would fit really well into the convoluted mess of this plot and so I wrote a little bullet pointed AU idea thing. 

(I don’t think I’ll have the time to write this, so if anyone wants to use this concept, pleaseeee tag me/tell me about it. Also, if anything like this is already written, pleaseee tell me too, I need the crack content.) (I’m also desi, by the way, so I don’t know much about Chinese culture, so please tell me if anything is offensive or just plain inaccurate.)

So, without further ado, I’ll be presenting this Housefull 2 MDZS/The Untamed AU! 

-As per canon, JZX is emotionally constipated and couldn’t communicate until after his engagement with JYL got split up. Having made their sister cry, JC, WWX, and NHS (who gets roped into it) plan to crush JZX for hurting JYL. 

-They send WQ to crush JZX by breaking his heart but give her such vague instructions that she accidentally falls for Mianmain. 

NHS: “So... who’re we supposed to use to crush this Peacock. I mean, it can’t be any of us.” 

WWX: “I don’t know about y’all, but I’d be great at this mission.” *wiggles eyebrows*

JC *rolls eyebrows*: “I think you forgot that mom will have your head if you do something like this.”

JC: “Hey, you remember her from university?” 

WWX: “Who?” 

JC: “You know, *her*, the one with the needles who could murder anyone and get away with it” 

WWX: *laughing* “Holy hell, the Peacock doesn’t know what’s coming for him!” 

NHS: “And who might this mystery lady be?” He says, knowing exactly who this mystery lady is. 

JC and WWX: “Wen Qing.”

-All the while, JGS thinks that WQ and JZX are engaged because the Idiot Trio sent an envoy ahead that claimed WQ was a head disciple of Jiang and is a replacement for JYL. JGS has now set the engagement of WQ and JZX in August. 

-They find out about Mianmian/LQY and WQ too late, and now JC, WWX, and NHS send someone else, LWJ, to crush JZX’s heart. 

JC: “You can’t continue to do this, what happened to our deal?!” 

WQ: *death glares* “What our deal said was that I needed to woo someone vaguely in relation to the nickname “Peacock” and happened to be in Lanling as payback for JZX breaking your sister’s heart, I don’t think I’m the one who forgot our deal here.” 

JC: “And your first thought was that Mianmian/LQY was Peacock?!” 

WQ: “She’s pretty and a Jin, so…” 

Before there would be a throw down in this place, WWX interrupted: “Okay, WQ it’s alright that you feel for Mianmian/LQY, but who is supposed to help us teach JZX a lesson now?”

NHS: “I don’t know, but it could maybe be someone who’s already close to JZX.” 

JC: “That sounds like a horrible ide- Wait, that’s lowkey kinda genius. Do you remember him from university?” 

WWX: “Him?” 

JC: “Yeah, you know, him, the one who’s entire vocabulary was the syllable “Mn” and whom you pined after for years.” 

WWX *blushing like there’s no tomorrow*: “We can’t send him, he’ll probably send me off to do 50 handstands” 

JC: “Please, he’s do anything you ask him to” 

NHS: *flutters his fan while knowing to an extreme degree what’s going to happen*

-They send WWX as LWJ’s ‘driver’ for him to make sure the plan is on track, but it just ends in LZ/WY pining. JC is also sent there as a businessman since he needs to make sure JGS doesn’t suspect anything too suspicious. At the same time though, because JGS thinks WQ and JZX are engaged and since LWJ spends most of his free time talking to Mianmian/LQY about his hopeless pining, JGS starts to think that Mianmian/LQY and LWJ are to be engaged and plans another engagement. JGS is quick to inform LQR about this and now LQR thinks that his nephew is married to Mianmian/LQY and that they’re getting married in August. 

-At some point here, LXC is in Lanling to visit his bud Meng Yao and that’s when JC and LXC begin talking and stuff. (This can be platonic or romantic, I don’t have a personal preference). 

-Additionally, this is also when WWX and LWJ begin investigating the happenings of Lanling and discover the extent of an asshole JGS is. They'd probably be reported sporadically and NHS definitely sent this evidence to detectives XXC and Song Lan. 

-So far, no one has gotten to properly executing this plan, and JC & WWX are beginning to question things. Because things couldn’t possibly get worse, this is the moment when Madam Yu decides that it’d be a good idea to visit the Jins in order to remind them of their arranged marriage between JYL and JZX. So now, JC and WWX have to drag both LXC and JYL into this convoluted plot because otherwise everything would go horribly wrong. JC, WWX, NHS, JYL, LXC, WQ, LWJ, and Mianmian/LQY (WQ directly told the boys that if they don’t let Mianmian/LQY in on this, she’ll personally shove a needle where it hurts) are in this room together, attempting to processes the absolute mess that has occurred. (Poor JZX is still living obliviously, his father didn’t even tell him that he’s technically engaged to WQ now. JZX is just vibing in confusion and thinks he’s just being buds with LWJ because LWJ is horrible at flirting with anyone that’s not WWX so his job of breaking JZX is... not going well.) In the end, after being on the receiving end of many of JYL’s disappointed looks, JC and WWX convince her to help them with their plot just this once. (She wouldn’t tell anyone that she was secretly pleased, but hey, JYL kept her vengeance deep, deep down low and deserved to exercise it just this once.) 

-(it is important to note here that in this AU, Madame Yu doesn’t know what JZX looks like) 

-The plan would be that LXC would (reluctantly) pretend to be JZX in front of Madam Yu. Additionally, Madame Yu thinks the actual JZX is NHS (because JC panicked and that’s the first name he could come up with when Madam Yu asked who was that kid if LXC was JZX). This was to drive JGS off their tails as he still believed that WQ is engaged to JZX now. (He did email LQR about this as well who now thinks his nephews are now engaged to JYL and Mianmian/LQY, respectively, and are going to be married that August.) This is the part where WWX and LWJ finally start realizing that their feelings are mutual after a pep talk from Mianmian/LQY, LXC, and WQ (who’s pep talk sounded more like a shovel talk) for LWJ and from JC, NHS, and JYL for WWX. This is also when Mianmian/LQY and WQ grow closer and also decide that the rest of the group is useless and team up with NHS to knock some sense into JZX. Finally, JZX becomes less emotionally constipated and confesses to JYL, and because WWX, JYL, and JC think that an intervention from the scariest trio (WQ, Mianmian/LQY, NHS) is apt punishment, they call an end to their payback. (Also partially due to JZX having character growth as different characters grilled him throughout this AU). While this is great for our mains, it can only cause a bunch of shenanigans because of the way the parental figures interpret this situation. 

-JGS and Madame Jin think the pairings are: WQ/JZX, LQY/LWJ, LXC/JYL, WWX/NHS

-Madame Yu thinks the pairings are: JZX (except it’s LXC’s version of JZX)/JYL, LWJ/WWX, LQY/WQ, and (maybe?) JC/NHS (except it’s JZX who got confused for NHS)

-LQR thinks the pairings are: WQ/JZX, LQY/LWJ, and LXC/JYL

-Meanwhile, the pairings actually are: JZX/JYL, LWJ/WWX, LQY/WQ, and (maybe?) JC/LXC

-In conclusion, they’re all utterly fucked. Therefore, they have to bring everyone into this convoluted plot now, and finally JZX’s experiences over the past months make a little more sense to him. While discussing this mess they’ve created, WWX has an idea. 

WWX: “Okay, so, looking at the actual chart of who everyone thinks is who, the biggest disparity is between Madam Yu and JGS’s viewpoints, right? What if we just removed Madam Yu from the equation, make Madam Jin and Madam Yu have a falling out so that Madam Yu won’t be invited to the wedding so that we can focus on one of the false interpretations of all the relationships happening.” 

JC: “Madam Jin and Madam Yu have been the best of friends, how are we supposed to make them hate each other?” 

JYL: “I mean, we could stage something, a betrayal of some sort.” 

NHS: “I’m liking the way you think.”

-So through this plot and NHS’s concerning amount of connections, our group succeeds in breaking apart Madam Yu and Madam Jin’s friendship. JC and WWX also manage to worm their way into convincing the Jins to let JYL marry LXC to “spite Madam Yu’s wish of combining the Jiang and Jin families.” Because of JGS arranging and emailing parents throughout this fic, JYL, JZX, LXC, Mianmian/LQY, WQ, NHS, WWX, and LWJ are basically set to be married in August, except it’s to the wrong person! Soon enough, the wedding day arrives and the gang has a plan: they’ll dress the exact same and have the most elaborate and disruptive headpieces so that their faces are covered. 

(Note: Instead of NHS being part of the people getting married as it should be, JC is replaces him for the actual ceremony. Since the our marrige folks have their faces covered, nobody really notices that JC replaced NHS and is marrying LXC. This can be either because of a marriage of convenience to combine companies, or out of actual feelings. I’m cool with either interpretation in my head. Meanwhile, NHS is out in the crowd and People didn’t him because of his surprisingly useful camouflage fan.) 

-And so, the group sets NHS as their distraction while JC pretends to be NHS for the wedding ceremony. NHS basically knocks into the most expensive vase he can find so that most of the parental figures turn around, giving the group getting married the opportunity to switch places with one another until they’re in the right spot. So, a bunch of stuff happens, Madam Yu barges in to yell about how disgraceful it is for the Jins to go on with this marriage even though they broke the engagement in the first place and betrayed the trust of the Jiang corporation. Madam Yu also just, airs out JGS’s dirty laundry in a real badass way. 

-It’s all chaotic. Hell breaks loose. JGS goes batshit crazy and starts bringing our firearms. And so, basically, everyone ends up hiding behind pillars and stuff, though, eventually, after everyone has to run out of their hiding spot’s because Su She cannot shut the fuck up and keeps getting the other’s exposed, they all pile behind JGS in the world’s worst game combined game of Hide & Seek and Slither.io. It all finally ends when JGS gets arrested for a shit ton of crimes, and everything finally ends with a joint wedding between 8 people, except this time it’s with the right partners. 

So, yeah, that’s the AU that I wrote in a dazed craze in the past 2 hours. I hope it was at least partially understandable. I hope y’all have fun with it! Again, if you know of a fanfic that’s got a similar energy or want to write something similar, please tell me, I need more fanfiction. Also, that last scene is basically a direct copy of this scene from the movie Housefull 2. (I’m sorry though, I can’t find an english subbed version of the scene. :(

Characters from 3h that I would probably cut

maybe i'll make this a thing, idk. to explain, its not particularly complicated. i just wanna consider which characters i would probably have cut from 3h if i had creative control in it to some extent. note that in 3h case due to its already smallish cast per house i'll also brew up hypothetical replacements.

Black Eagles:

dorothea - top of the list and what inspired this exercise really, dorothea is a character that suffers more so from being out of sync with the story then out of place with it. that is, well she doesnt stick out in terms of inherent concept and design, in terms of writing however she sticks out for sounding like shes living in an alternate reality from whatever's happening on screen at any given time. in terms of story writing she feels like the safest cut overall of the black eagles, even in terms of replacement all you really need is a 'commoner' character to explore what its like living in adrestias ground floor which could be basically whatever you can think of [merchant family stalling out socially to highlight adrestias classism, a religious commoner to show adrestian approaches to religion, lowborn soldiers who managed to scrap up enough to send their kid to garreg mach to win them a better position in the army, a commoner effected by the insurrection of seven to explore more of its effects, lots of ideas].

bernadetta - more so because she needed to be replaced by a character with a more so intimate immediate connection to either byleth or edelgard if she was gonna be bbqed alive. narratively its pretty much her only function, and anything else about her is mostly just a lame gag character that people confused as a tragic one. point being, it would have been better to cut bernadetta and say replace her with a childhood friend who knew edelgard before she was implemented with a second crest and is struggling to reconnect with her or something. that way the horror of edelgard lighting her allies on fire hits harder, because its someone relatively important narratively speaking not someone relatively expendable like bernadetta.

caspar - unlike bernie or dorothea i dont actually have any specific problems with him, its just that like bernie hes totally expendable. from what i recall his rapport with lindhart is more so confined to their supports then an ever present textual element, and in terms of wider narrative use... hes on that one map with the death knight? as a minor obstacle? arguably you could cut lindhart as well, but he gets a little more cut being an expositional faucet for crests and society stuff. personally id replace caspar with someone a bit older, maybe even the actual heir of the bergliez family and have them act as another window into how the insurrection changed things or what the adrestian army is like.

golden deer:

raphael and ignatz - wrapping the two together since they feel like a package deal, well they provide a little bit of insight in leicesters merchant culture and civilian life leonies... just the superior commoner in general and in regards to the merchant aspects raphael and ignatz dont provide nearly enough insight there. they're the most expendable of the golden deer because even though they have their own story it doesnt do anything for the story at large really. id say, swap them out for active rival merchant families forced to attend the same class and actively competing with each other due to bad blood stirred up by leicester nobles, initially suspecting count gloucester but revealing the true culprit to be the slitherers or something.

blue lions:

mercedes - one of the cases of a character i actually like but feel didnt actually need to be there, at most all she really does is provide some more meat for the death knight stuff, even if she does have a fun rapport with annette its just not enough to convince me she couldn't have been easily cut. that said, an easy replacement for her has a strong slot to fill with annettes fun rapport buddy and without the distractions of the death knight stuff her replacement could be built more towards being an insight into the seiros faith and how faerghus approaches it.

the church:

alois - much as i love his dad jokes he provides little, showing up late gameplay wise geared towards a role you have more then enough units already around to play well generally doing it not as well. and story wise hes pretty much a non entity outside of an excuse to drag jeralt to garreg mach. in terms of a replacement, definitely still someone connected to jeralt but a] have them as say... a natural hero class due to its under representation in game and b] have them act as the oifeyjagen of the game as it were by being available at the start giving them an immediate utility, and a prominent role as an advisor on things and how they work since jeralts playing the greil of the game.

other:

jeritza - a massive disappointment nowhere near to matching the black knights legacy, i say he can be pretty easily cut because he serves a villainous role that isnt actually needed to be served, and which largely gets dropped in terms of relevance as soon as the ts comes along. there are a lot of ways you could go instead, but i personally feel the most interesting would be to replace him with a slitherer. its dramatically ironic, it gives them a more prominent role, and if its made so edelgard is unaware of their nature as a slitherer it helps better realize the themes cf keeps buried under gape moe.

Trapezius

By Hale13

For the Summer of Whump Day 27 Prompt 27 - Injured

Peter gazed out over the harbor forlornly, twisting his mask into knots in his lap. Normally he would really enjoy the view – the sun was setting in a clear sky turning the normally disgusting water a soft orange and painting the area with a soft warmth. The peaceful view was marred by the emergency vehicles, Coastguard boats and police and news helicopters which made Peter’s gut clench with anxiety. He just… he tried so hard.

Words: 2123, Chapters: 1/1 (Complete), Language: English

Fandoms: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)

Rating: Gen

Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark

Characters: Peter Parker, Tony Stark, May Parker, Helen Cho

TW: Injury, Poor Emotional intelligence

Read on AO3 or below the line break.

Peter gazed out over the harbor forlornly, twisting his mask into knots in his lap. Normally he would really enjoy the view – the sun was setting in a clear sky turning the normally disgusting water a soft orange and painting the area with a soft warmth. The peaceful view was marred by the emergency vehicles, Coastguard boats and police and news helicopters which made Peter’s gut clench with anxiety. He just… he tried so hard.

The sound of repulsers approaching made Peter tense and he mentally put his walls back up. He couldn’t afford to let Mr. Stark see him as a kid right now. They were colleges when he was Spider-Man, peers. He took a deep breath and held it for a moment before letting it puff out through his clenched teeth.

“Previously on Peter screws the pooch I tell you to stay away from this instead you hack a multi-million dollar suit so you can sneak around behind my back doing the one thing I told you not to do,” Mr. Stark’s sarcastic voice said and Peter held back a flinch, keeping his expression blank as he cautiously looked back over his shoulder. His back was killing him and felt hot and swollen from his Hercules hold of the ferry earlier – he had definitely felt something tear – but he couldn’t afford the weakness right now.

“Is everyone okay?” He asked instead, keeping his voice monotone and trying not to tense his back.

“No thanks to you,” the Iron Man voice made Mr. Stark’s snide tone sound slightly metallic but, more than that, it made his blood boil and he whipped around to face the man.

“No thanks to me?” He took no precautions as he lifted his lefts over they side of the concrete tower and jumped down on the other side making his shoulders throb. “Those weapons were out there and I tried to tell you about it and you didn’t listen. None of this would have happened if you had just listened to me!” His voice broke and he could feel blood rushing to his face but he did his best to push down the embarrassment. “If you even cared you’d actually be here.” He threw in boldly.

It took him by surprise, therefore, when the armor opened in from of him and Tony Stark stepped out, a grim look of disappointment on his face that made Peter stumble back a could steps, unable to hide his wince of pain but playing it off as shock instead. “I did listen kid. Who do you think called the FBI huh?”

Peter dropped his gaze, unable to make further eye contact, only interrupting to correct his age and flinching again at Mr. Stark’s yelling. “I’m sorry,” he stammered, but he could tell the platitudes were only making his idol angrier so he said instead, with the most sincerity he could push into his tone “I just… I just wanted to be like you.”

“And I wanted you to be better,” Mr. Stark said back in a weary voice before asking for the suit back. Peter heart sank further but he got it. Mr. Stark was right – he didn’t deserve to be Spider-Man if all he did was hurt other people.

The car ride back to his apartment in Queens was silent and awkward, broken only by Mr. Stark and Happy leaving the car and throwing his a pair of hideous Hello Kitty pajama pants and an oversized New York tourist shirt. It took more effort than he would care to admit to slip the suit off of his painful muscles and lift his arms up high enough to pull the shirt on but he managed it.

Happy slipped back into the driver’s seat a moment later and raised the partition but Mr. Stark didn’t return as they pulled away from the curb and Peter’s heart sank further when he realized the man had probably taken the armor back to the Tower because he couldn’t bear to be in the car with Peter another minute. His eyes were burning but he refused to cry here – he’d already proven to be a problem and he wasn’t going to cry about his well deserved punishment.

The car stopped in front of his apartment and the locks on the doors popped but Happy didn’t roll down to partition to talk to him or offer any direction so, without a backward glance as his poorly folded suit, Peter slunk out of the car and upstairs.

May was not happy with him for skipping school and not answering his phone and, with the pain of his torn muscles ratcheting up and the emotional trauma of the day weighing down on him he collapsed onto the couch and tearfully confessed to his aunt that he had lost his internship, wanting to bring his arms up to return her tender hug but physically unable to do so. His only relief was that she directed him to take a shower pretty immediately because he smelled like garbage,.

And, yeah, he probably did.

The piss poor water pressure of their dingy shower was actually a blessing today but Peter could still barely stand with his back facing the hottest water possible hoping that the heat would relieve some of his pain but he was still just as painful when he forwent his sleep shirt a few minutes later.

He healed fast. This was fine – it would all be resolved in a few days.

———————————————

“Fuck,” Peter muttered, keeping his right arm tucked close to his stomach as he wrestled with the leukotape he had bought at the pharmacy. It kept sticking to itself and the wall and his hair and basically everywhere but where he was trying to stick it and Peter groaned, balling the piece up and throwing it away.

It had been a few months since dealing with the Vulture. A few months since turning down Mr. Stark’s offer to be an Avenger but accepting his offer to become his personal intern and Peter couldn’t be happier.

Well. Except for his shoulder that is.

His left arm had healed fully after straining his muscles holding the ferry together but his right had just gotten worse and worse and it was interfering with his ability to not only be Spider-Man but also to just perform everyday tasks. He hadn’t been able to lift much with that side or even put on a shirt normally in weeks and it was starting to grate on his nerves. After spending hours watching videos on YouTube Peter decided to try some strengthening exercises and taping.

Neither was working very well.

“Fuck,” he said again, with feeling, as he bent forward at the waist to rest his head on the cool counter top of his bathroom. He was supposed to get picked up by Happy in a few minutes to go and spend the weekend at the Tower with Tony to work on his suit and there was no way he could hide this anymore. He couldn’t even lift his arm up to chest level. His phone vibrated on the counter top and he moaned, answering it without looking at the caller ID. “Hey Happy.”

“Nope, guess again,” his mentor’s voice said and Peter jerked up, letting out a strangled grunt as he jostled his shoulder. “You okay kid?”

“Why are you calling me?” Peter said instead, deflecting.

“I’m picking you up,” Tony said. “Now are you okay?”

Peter waffled for a minute but one look at his duffle bag made him ache and he let out a sigh. “Not… really I guess.”

“What’s wrong?” His mentor’s voice was sharp and he could hear the sound of his seatbelt smacking the window of his car and the door opening and closing as Tony got out of the car.

“It’s not a big deal,” Peter said, going to the front door and unlocking and opening it just as Tony left the elevator, they made eye contact and hung up their phones.

“Well you look to be in one piece and there’s no blood everywhere,” Tony said as he joined Peter in the living room of his apartment and looked him over. “So what’s going on kiddo?”

Peter nibbled on his bottom lip and gripped his right hand into his shirt tightly for just a second before releasing it. “Remember the ferry?”

Mr. Stark was silent and attentive as he listened to Peter ramble and sighed deeply at the end of his story, reaching one hand up to massage his eyes. “You really don’t half-ass anything do you?”

“Do you actually want me to answer that?” Peter asked confused and his mentor rolled his eyes, grabbing Peter’s bag from where it was resting in the hallway.

“Come on then, you have a date with Dr. Cho and the MedBay.” Peter whined but didn’t overly protest when he was directed out of the apartment and down to where Mr. Stark had illegally parked in the fire lane in front of his building.

It was just some muscle straining right? A week or two of meds and resting it and everything would be okay.

“Well its not a strain,” Dr. Cho told him just over an hour later looking at the images of his radiographs and MRI on a holotable. “You’ve torn your rotator cuff and continually re-injured it to the point that its basically just a mass of scar tissue.”

“Oh…” Peter said, a little dazed from the small dose of painkillers he had been given so that they would be able to manipulate his arm for the images. “What does that mean?”

Helen gave him the same disapproving look she had been giving him since she had taken his history and had learned that he had been putting massive amounts of pressure and g-force on an injury that he had never allowed to fully heal. “It means Peter,” she said firmly shutting down the table, “that you’ll need surgery to repair the tear and clean out all the scar tissue. And you’ll need to give it time to heal and go to physical therapy if you plan to ever use your arm to its fullest extent ever again.”

Peter’s mind went a little blank at that. “Surgery?” He asked, a note of panic creeping into his voice. “But Spider-Man–,”

“Will be taking a break,” Tony told him. “Your health always comes first Peter.” He turned his attention back to Dr. Cho. “Can you tell his aunt all of this later? Also when can we do the surgery.”

“I’ve already got him scheduled for tomorrow morning with a specialist I’m bringing in from NYU,” she said. “And of course! Just let me know when she gets here.”

“Don’t I get a say in this?” Peter groused from his spot on the exam bed but both adults ignored him and he rolled his eyes. “What if I don’t want surgery?”

“Then you’ll be dealing with chronic pain, pion and needles, weakness and continuous tearing for the rest of your life and you’ll need a shoulder replacement in less than fifteen years at the rate your going,” Dr. Cho said, typing notes into his chart. “So I’ll see you in the morning for the surgery.”

Peter glared at her but, at the twinge in his arm when he adjusted in his seat, he grumbled “fine”.

“It won’t be that bad Underoos,” Tony said later as they sat on the ridiculously large couch in the penthouse living room watching Brooklyn 99 while May spoke with Peter’s medical team. “You get to skip school for the next week while you recover and I bribed Bob Igor to give me the next season of the Mandolorian early for us to binge.”

“But…” Peter gnawed at his lip, hating the taste of blood that filled his mouth as he broke open the tender skin again. “What if this doesn’t fix it?”

“That’s what you’re worried about?” Tony said with a smile. “Cho is the forefront in development in regeneration. If anyone can fix you it’ll be her. And May and I will be there the whole time. You have nothing to worry about okay?”

“You’ll be there?” Peter said, fiddling with a loose thread on his shirt and refusing to look up at his mentor.

“Of course I’ll be there!” Tony said warmly with a squeeze to his good shoulder. “You’re my favorite intern.” He teased.

“Thanks Mr. Stark,” Peter said sincerely, reading the unsaid bit and relaxing a little back in the couch. Between his pain meds and his full stomach he could feel his eyelids drooping and he decided to relax more fully into Tony’s side – there was no where he felt safer.

As a child, before she acquired a zanpakuto, did she have an idea or fantasy of what she wanted her abilities to look like? Was she consequently excited or disappointing with the reality of how her soul manifested its power? (if she had one more or less since as long as she can remember, can you talk a little bit about the Shihoin's traditions in training their heirs and the logic or superstition behind it?)

I’m going to take the scenic route in answering this one, so you’ll have to bear with me. I’ve been (probably rather obviously) watching Cobra Kai lately (into season 3 now) and although there are lots of things to recommend it, two things that I think are very interesting about it (and that apply to this question) are the themes of generational trauma and incomplete philosophies of life. The first—the mistakes and overcorrections of one generation transferring to the next—is pretty self evident, but the second bears some more scrutiny.

Cobra Kai, the dōjō, has a simple set of three rules: “Strike first. Strike hard. No mercy.” Meanwhile, Miyagi-Do, the dōjō, has just one ethos: “First learn balance. Balance good, karate good, everything good.” A thing that I think the show strives to communicate without constantly shoving it in the viewer’s face is that both are right, actually. They’re just incomplete. Both are inflexible. Cobra Kai’s logic has ruthlessness when it counts, but lacks balance and predictably always overcommits. Miyagi-Do’s logic has balance, but lacks the ability to commit and engage decisively. Both are unsustainable. And the problem with Cobra Kai’s ethos in particular is that it can’t be readily grasped by teenagers, because it takes wisdom and experience to see its failings. (Meanwhile, Miyagi-Do’s ethos can cultivate wisdom, but it can become a trap that prevents thinking outside the box it creates.) Johnny Lawrence eventually figures this out from the Cobra Kai end through a long series of painful missteps, and sums it up with:

“This creed on the wall... follow it to the letter, it'll make you strong. It’ll make you formidable. It will also make you an asshole. ’Cause that’s just black paint on a white wall. But life’s not black and white. More often than not, it’s gray. And it’s in those gray areas where Johnny Lawrence’s Cobra Kai... sometimes shows mercy.”

So, what does all that have to do with Yoruichi? Well, my conception of the Shihōin Clan, even before I ever saw that show, is that it possessed a mindset a lot like Cobra Kai. (At the time I started here, I imagined her home life as a child as being like a more watered down version of what Azula and Zuko endured under Ozai and Ursa in Avatar: The Last Airbender, with Yoruichi’s father being ultimately rather less of an asshole than Ozai and reforming, and that still fits and correlates quite well to my current thinking, but Cobra Kai makes for a more apt comparison.)

The Shihōin are not only the masters of the martial arts within Soul Society’s nobility, but of combat, conflict, and war as a whole. That is, in a sense, their “purpose”. They’re warriors, right down to their genes, because they not only train for combat (in a grueling and regimented way from childhood, a la the SPARTAN-II program in Halo, or the one shown in Soldier) but they historically bred for it too. (And to some extent, still do, with reiatsu output and quality having been a major element of mate selection as recently as with Yoruichi’s parents, and with even Yoruichi herself sort of subconsciously looking down on the possibility of meaningful long-term intimate relationships with notably weaker partners.)

Anyway, the ultimate traditional end-product of this was Yoruichi, and she reflects the pathologies of the process as much as she does its culmination. (Her decisive defeat of her relatives in Agni Kai to become Clan Head was the ultimate proof of her superior ability and pedigree within this system.) There’s some indication (from Yoruichi herself) that Yūshirō might have an even easier time of achieving power than her, but I view him as a product of a newer, different, and superior process. (Basically: Yoruichi broke the old one, and Yūshirō’s far more playful attitude is a product of a different childhood environment after Yōsuke chilled the fuck out and stopped trying to be Kreese/Ozai; play is really how mammals learn best, after all. Someone like Yūno, @ice-cold-shihoin’s middle sibling OC, is to my mind a sort of intermediary step in this transitional process.)

In other words, Yoruichi was raised to be a complete badass. The total package. The perfect soldier. The ultimate weapon. Not just battlefield superiority, but battlefield supremacy. Strike first. Strike hard. No mercy. And so to finally come back to your actual question, she dreamed of a zanpakutō that’d help her be exactly that: a badass. I don’t think she was really too focused on the nature of how that worked, exactly, so long as it did.

The trouble is: she got it. She joined the Onmitsukidō at 100, manifested her asauchi into a zanpakutō (Kurayami) before she was 101, had her Shikai before she was 103, it became a(n actual) permanent-release type by the time she was 145, and she achieved Bankai at 152. Kurayami’s Shikai form seems rather plain and boring compared to many—unless she so chooses, the sword cannot be perceived except when its edge or point is penetrating a target, and then only visually—but that belies a simple point: it exists purely to kill. Not to duel, not to pacify, not to disarm... to kill, and with the first strike. It’s a blade purely for assassination. And this is even more true of her Bankai, Kurayami Kara Umareta Daikokutennyo, which exists for mass destruction and slaughter. She got exactly what she always dreamed of, and it completely horrified her.

Even by the time she got her Bankai, she had some inkling of what Johnny’s trying to communicate in the earlier quote. She knew that her zanpakutō was inflexible, its use was unsustainable, and that leaning into it too heavily and becoming habituated to it would make her a murderous asshole. (Think like Unohana Yachiru, but even more so, because using Kurayami doesn’t foster any sort of sense of good sportsmanship.) The reason for that is obvious: when all you have is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail. It didn’t help that Kurayami, the zanpakutō spirit, was (and has always been) a kind of dark Azula-like mirror of Yoruichi herself, Yoruichi-As-She-Might-Have-Been had she not met Kaien. (Kind of like Ichigo and “Shirosaki” Zangetsu, but not nearly so extreme or directly comparable as Yoruichi has obviously [?] had no Hollowfication exposure.)

And so, just as Yoruichi had already blatantly rejected her father’s initial efforts to raise her like a boy by radically asserting her femininity, and just as she had tacitly rejected the Shihōin Clan’s focus on total efficiency by becoming far more sociable and using social engineering as much as combat ability, so too did she reject her zanpakutō by developing Shunkō.

It’s only in the present, with the aid of (bitter) wisdom and experience, that she’s gone back to it to not only try use it, but to bend it to her will rather than being afraid of it bending her to its. (To carry on with my theme here, this is actually kinda like adult Johnny going back to try and redeem the Cobra Kai dōjō of his youth and turn it into something more positive.)

Shorter answer: she wanted a badass zanpakutō, and she got rather more than she bargained for in the process. (With all that that says about the base nature of her soul and id, for lack of a better term.)

Second Generation Renegades

Nodrian

Three daughters

Valerie, Lacey, and Eva born in that order

They all look alike but not enough that they're inseperable

Lacey was the only one actually planned and caused the most problems being born

Which is why Eva was the surprise bc they weren't expecting to have another baby but the doctor said that Nova should be okay

So here Eva is

Valerie was sorta planned. They had talked about kids and then like a month later they found out Nova was pregnant so......

They all tend to act a lot like their mom and are really blunt and straight forward. That's however the only aspect of their mom they all share

All of them have a really strong moral code though each is wildly different

Adrian and Nova aren't necessarily strict but they aren't really laid back to the point where it's dangerous. They'd let their kids go to a party depending on the circumstances but they still have curfew

All daughters are prodigies but they're waiting for Lacey's powers to show bc they know she's a prodigy bc everyone is but they start to assume that maybe things are going back to before in the sense that you have to have some form of trauma so they get way more over protective of her even though they want her to get her powers

They try really hard to be supportive of their daughters

One of them is always going to get the short end of the stick though bc they still have to work and there's always going to be an overlap of events

School work comes first

Let their kids do their own thing so they don't invade their space but still check in on them

Hate that the media swarms their daughters and they try to keep them away from it

Halloween also isn't a largely celebrated holiday bc all of their daughter's find it weird that people dress up like their parents

But when they were little Danna and Narcissa would take them out to trick or treat bc Nova just can't stomach it and Adrian has to make sure she doesn't lose it bc someone has to hand out candy to these poor children and it shouldn't be his very uncomfortable wife

Also all their daughters know how to fight and kick ass. They know it might come back and bite them later but just in case any of them wanted to be a Renegade they have the training

Valerie Georgia McLain

Her first and middle name is her grandma's name but reversed

Her birthday is September 21st year 2021 and that's the same day as her grandma's name hence why she was named after her (headcannoning Lady Indomitable's bday as that day)

Oldest

Is a great engineer and inventor like her mother

She's a genius and going to college for engineering

Born with her prodigy abilities

She can manipulate plants. Any plant to a large extent

She uses it for good and when her youngest sister was born would sneak vines into the nursery to hand her stuffed toys

Also uses vines to pick up her siblings and give them boosts to get things though mostly her youngest

Used her powers to sneak cookies all the time as a little kid

Gets along great with Eva but not so great with Lacey. She loves them both though

She wants the best for her younger sisters and can be kinda critical and judgemental bc she wants to give them constructive criticism but she lacks the constructive part a lot

Blunt like her mom

Likes to build things with her mom all the time

Would spend hours drawing with Adrian when she was little and he still has the pictures framed and hung up around the house

She's more like her mom but her dad's favorite (though Adrian would never say it or admit it)

She does everything by the book

Valerie refuses to get herself into any mess her parents did which deterred her away from anything that could even be related to Renegades

Always polite and is a sweetheart with the media

Everyone loves her

Lacey fucking loves hates her

She's the perfect child and always the example

Never causes any problems and always listens to her parents and does the right thing

Well not always but enough to the point where the few times don't really count in the book

More like Adrian but as said before she tries to be constructive but totally misses the nail each time and it comes off as more passive aggressive then anything

Lacey Jude McLain

Born April 16th 2103

There was Raven and a crow sitting on the window sill when she was born and Nova has been waiting for the haunted and freaky shit to begin since

Only sibling with a non family related name but everyone tells her how much she looks like Georgia and she HATES IT

Her favorite family member is her dog Harley and then her aunt Evie and uncle Max and then Grandpa Simon

Valerie is last and is closely tied with their youngest sister Eva

The gay sibling though she's not out yet. Everyone knows it but they won't pressure her and also don't believe stereotypes

She wears button ups and boots all the time and listens to a bunch of gay artists so what is she really hiding especially since Hugh and Simon gave her a bunch of button ups the second they realized she was gay (which was when she was born tbh)

Sorta has a secret relationship with Ellie (Tucker Silva daughter). Ellie isn't out yet and is much better at hiding that she's gay but Nova suspects that they're together but she won't say anything bc she doesn't want to embarrass them. Danna and Narcissa know that Ellie and Lacey are both lesbians and together. They knew it well before they caught them kissing and decided to help them keep it a secret

It's a secret bc Ellie and Lacey don't want to not be able to have sleepovers anymore

So smart but an absolute dumbass

Her whole family thinks she's very serious but all her friends know that she is the funniest person alive and has an absurd sense if humor

Disappointment child TM

Her parents want her to be a Renegade or go into a science career

Accept she wants to be a musician (always has wanted that) and goes to school for that (and she's incredibly talented at it too)

Her parents also don't know she has powers though she didn't know either for a while. Used her powers unconsciously for years until she realized that not everyone sees probabilities constantly and can change them

She can manipulate probability and essentially do anything she wants but uses it for small things and incredibly wisely bc for years she thought everyone could do it bc everyone told her she didn't have powers since only she would be able to know so she though there were all these unsaid rules she couldn't break

She could go into a science career bc she's good at it but she hates science

Not the best in normal school work and is an average student

Her parents try to be supportive but they don't really get the music career and she just gave up telling them about things bc they never seemed interested and she takes it as them not caring

Likes to break as many rules as possible and sneaks out a lot

Also gets high a lot and is on drugs half the time bc she stopped caring a while ago

No one ever knows about all the messes she gets into bc she's incredibly street smart and ties up any loose ends. Doesn't need her powers to do it bc she can and will kick your ass and verbally destroy you

MAJOR Middle Child Syndrome

Honestly is a big sweetheart and would love to be nice to people if she didn't have a bunch of defense mechanisms internalized and held grudges like you've never seen

She's a good mix of both her parents bc she acts a lot like Nova but looks more like Adrian and also has his big heart. She's very oblivious like both of her parents though

She's way more into art now that she's older but also now that she's older she never has the time to learn anything about art from her dad and it fuels her Middle Child Syndrome more

Is the favorite of literally every extended family member bc she's the life of the party and knows exactly how to appeal to their humor bc she's the funniest sibling but no one knows it

No filter whatsoever and she hates the media and makes it known

A sad gay disaster child tbh who needs some therapy

There's a lot to go on about her bc her emotional problems fuel her personality and vice versa so it's just a rage cycle

Eva Tala McLain

Like Valerie, her name is her grandma's name but flipped.

Born November 30th 2105 and has the same birthday as her grandma Tala hence the name. Everyone finds it weird that two out of three of the Nodrian kids have their birthday on their dead grandma's birthday

14 and an asshole bc she's a middle schooler

Can and will tell you to shut up and fuck off

Id polite with the media bc like both her sister she knows being mean to the tabloids will cause problems and she doesn't feel like hearing her parents get criticized for their parenting skills every Monday morning

Same approach as Valerie to the media

Be nice and they will leave your family alone

Opposite of Lacey's approach which is that they're not entitled to any part of her life and that they can fuck right off bc her behavior says nothing about her parents and more about how invasive and annoying the reporters are

Lacey makes her paper cranes and sneaks them in her lunch box and she acts like she hates it but she loves it

Again... Acts like a jerk but is actually a sweetheart and big baby.

She's Nova's favorite though Nova won't admit it

Eva knows this and uses it to her advantage occasionally

Has a favorite sibling weekly but it's almost always Valerie

Also very into engineering but also art

Her room has gears and electronics everywhere

And her parents are so proud of her for it

She's pretty good in school though not as good as Valerie. She's also great in sports

Her parents try to go to as many games as possible

She also has fire manipulation

And Adrian had to give himself a tattoo in order to keep her from causing damage

Now that she's older she has way better control and can even use her flames without actually causing harm to anyone or anything

She starts to use flames to just grab or hold things for her or sometimes to even move around

She's the baby of the family

100% she's a prankster.

It's always little harmless things

But she doesn't dare prank Lacey bc after she does she always gets hit back and worse though it couldn't possibly be from her bc the time and place don't make sense

Either way she leaves Lacey alone bc she knows some weird shit will happen to her and she's not risking it

She looks nearly exactly like Nova but it's her hair, eyes, and skin that are the differences. But they have the exact same nose and jawline and facial structure

Likes to go into her sister's room and take their things which is really easy bc Valerie leaves for college and Lacey is rarely around (she's off with her friends or getting high) but she always gets caught

Never stops her though

She usually listens to her parents but if she gets bored enough or really wants it she'll disregard anything they say to do it

Never works out for her and how she hasn't learned that lesson is probably bc she's watched Lacey do everything her parents said not to with no problems

She honestly doesn't mean to hurt people she just wants to have fun

But the lengths she will do for it sometimes are way too much

Queen of pushing her luck bc Valerie never pushes her luck and Lacey has pushed it to the point where luck isn't even an option anymore

Examining Amberprice: Deconstructed Idealism

Disclaimer: I am probably gonna make some people angry, and I may be new to the character/relationship analysis game, here it is, my look and take at Chloe Price and Rachel Amber as a relationship. 

I come to my conclusions here based on my observations of them in the first “Life is Strange” game and “Before The Storm” and statements by creators. This analysis may be a few years or so too late, but it is my conclusion that regardless of the actual state of their relationship or Rachel as a character, these are two emotionally damaged individuals in two different ways, both using others as an emotional crutches…and how that is not always healthy. 

Also for the record I am not taking their comic book versions into account since those versions are a confirmed AU. They’d had/have little to no bearing on their game counterparts. I also want to be clear that I don’t write this out of a dislike for Amberprice (in fact I loved them in BTS) but their is just my observations of their relationship as a whole. 

… 

So it goes without saying that Rachel Amber is a popular character in the “Life is Strange” series. One of the things that intrigue many to her is the mystery about the character and her supposed relationship with Chloe Price, and while “Before the Storm” may have disappointed some, especially in regards of its portrayal of Rachel and her relationship with Chloe. Among the complaints where that their relationship was romanticized when Rachel’s creators from the first game said there relationship wasn’t romantic. The first game even went as far as to show us why their relationship wouldn’t be ideal. 

Despite this, it should probably be noted that Chloe was the first one to romanticize Rachel and her friendship with her. We know this because in Chloe’s eyes, Rachel “cheated” on her with a sexual relationship with Frank Bowers. That’s pretty hard to reconcile when you see what can only be described an ideal romantic friendship between the two girls in “Before the Storm”. Bad writing ? Cheap fan service ? Maybe, but I tend to look at characters and relationships into context, especially in the story and/or creator statements. 

What people seem to forget is the point of Rachel as a character is she is what TV Tropes describes as a Deconstructed Character Archetype; in Rachel’s case to the “Magic Girlfriend” archetype to someone like Chloe, and that of a “Perfect Idealized Student” to Blackwell Academy. But as we learn more about her, we see differing sides of her depending on who you ask. Her affair with Frank being the most notable example of this, and we see a side of Rachel that is about the opposite of how everyone else would describe her. Even in “Before the Storm” we are seeing one side of Rachel and her relationship with Chloe, and that is from Chloe’s perspective. 

The entire point of Rachel Amber is she is someone who seems perfect and ideal, but isn’t. 

Now I want to make it clear; Rachel is *not* a bad person. Certainly no more than Chloe, but it is my belief she is “damaged”, possibly just as damaged as Chloe. And *that* is why Rachel and Chloe grew close. I’d say Rachel’s family drama in “Before the Storm”, potentially learning about her father’s attempts to get rid of her biological mother (either from Chloe, or likely Frank down the line) did a number on her and permanently damaged her relationship with her family. From such, Rachel would slowly but surely give more into her id over three years, in turn getting her (more) involved with people with people like Frank or Jefferson. 

I’ve seen some people tend to portray Rachel as this emotionally abusive and manipulative monster who doesn’t give a damn about anyone but herself, but that is simply not the case. While I do not doubt for a minute that Rachel *does* feel genuine love and empathy towards others, part of her “damage” is that she tends prioritizes her immediate needs and dreams over the long term needs of others, and that she is far more short sighted and impulsive than most would believe of her. Creator statements even say that while Rachel is manipulative, she manipulates people subconsciously and unintentionally, rather than maliciously. 

Rachel may be a chameleon, always changing her colours, but her true colour is grey. 

So let’s say Rachel was using Chloe; I feel Chloe at least felt romantic enough feelings for her that in her mind she “cheated” on her with Frank, despite them not being “together” and Rachel would be at least aware of them is she was manipulating her. Some would say that Rachel was stringing Chloe along, taking advantage of Chloe’s feelings for her…but for what ? For their mutual dream of leaving Arcadia Bay ? For sex ? It’s been said she used Frank and Jefferson as part of her ambitions to leave Acadia Bay, and those relationships at least entailed sex. So if that were the case, wouldn’t the same apply to Chloe ? 

Well that would probably contradict the statement that Rachel’s manipulations are subconscious on her part and not malicious, so it’s very unlikely that Rachel is some heartless harpy taking advantage of Chloe’s feelings for the sake of an artificial friendship or meaningless sex, or the very least feigning a romantic relationship with Chloe. It’s also unlikely that she was using Chloe to leave Arcadia Bay because someone like Frank or Jefferson would be much more resourceful than Chloe in order to ditch town. Matter of fact the only time we see Rachel *use* Chloe in any way, it’s in “Before the Storm” when she has Chloe sneak into her father’s study. 

That’s about it. 

So here’s were we get into my interpretation, based off of what I have seen and heard; Chloe and Rachel’s relationship is pretty one-sided romance wise. That’s not to say Rachel doesn’t love Chloe, romantically or platonically, but this is were we get back to Rachel and Chloe both being emotionally damaged. I honestly think, Rachel can barely differentiate between romantic relationships with platonic ones. That’s why in her eyes, whatever relationship she had with Chloe was purely platonic. 

I would even go as far as to say she doesn’t have much restraint when it comes to sexual relationships, as a form of her damage manifesting itself. By which I mean, she’d probably see or consider sex as something platonically acceptable, and probably felt not more romantically invested in Frank, Jefferson and Chloe. Chloe and Frank both see Rachel as a romantic figure in their lives (Jefferson on the other hand, loves no one), but as far as Rachel goes, I don’t think she’s good as compartmentalizing when it comes to sex. I’m not explicitly saying that Chloe and Rachel had a sexual relationship, but it would make sense to me given that she felt so strongly about Rachel “cheating” on her. 

So what did I conclude here regarding Amberprice ? Well going with what I described above I think their relationship between BTS and her disappearance weren’t as ideal as Chloe would have made it out to be (that much is obvious *without* my analysis) but as for their actual relationship ? I see two emotionally damaged girls using each other as crutches, but in two very different ways. Both of which are unhealthy. 

Chloe has abandonment issues with her best friend moving, just after her father died, and is (like Rachel, not maliciously) using Rachel as a substitute for Max; as such Chloe would be *very* clingy towards Rachel and her issues manifest when Rachel goes missing. Rachel on the other hand, goes about it by using Chloe as an anchor, but her issues would manifest by being more of a “free spirit” than Chloe, because unlike Chloe, Rachel doesn’t see their relationship as romantic. Simply put, Rachel is more of an escapist than Chloe, hence why she has no issue sleeping around with Frank and Jefferson. I’m willing to wager Rachel has slept around with other men and/or women over those three years, probably “taking a break” from Chloe’s clinginess, but would always come back because Chloe is her anchor. Chloe on the other hand would probably be the type who’d refuse to accept a “breakup”. 

I also believe this cycle would have continued if they did leave Arcadia Bay together. In fact I think the think that tipped Chloe off that Rachel was missing in the first game was because after days or weeks, Rachel just didn’t come back to her. 

So yes, I do believe Rachel loved Chloe (just not in the same way or extent that Chloe loved her) and I believe their relationship to have been a more unhealthy one than Chloe would like to admit. And that’s because like Rachel herself, Amberprice would be a deconstruction of something idealized. And yes, it is possible for genuinely loving relationships to be unhealthy or unstable, especially between to unhealthy and unstable individuals such as them. As much as I believe the two cared about each other, they were not good for each other. 

“There’s a danger in loving somebody to much/And it’s bad when you know it’s your heart you can’t trust/There’s a reason why people don’t stay where they are/Baby, sometimes love just ain’t enough.” - Patty Smyth and Don Henley.

 (Maybe a gratuitous use of song lyrics, but they’ve been playing in my head as I was writing this. If I have an ear worm, I’m taking you with me.) 

                    i mean i could be aesthetic but instead i'm just pathetic

ALISHA BOE? No, that’s actually PENELOPE “PENNY” BROWN-PATIL from the NEXT GENERATION ERA. You know, the child of LAVENDER BROWN and PARVATI PATIL? Only 21 years old, this HUFFLEPUFF alumni works as a BARISTA and is sided with THE NEUTRALS. SHE identifies as a CIS WOMAN and is a PUREBLOOD who is known to be SELF-PITYING, A PERFECTIONIST, and INSECURE but also FLEXIBLE, GENTLE and IMAGINATIVE. 

LINKS – pinboard, stats. CHARACTER PARALLELS – jackie burkhart ( that 70s show ), chloe gemell ( my mad fat diary ), mini mcguinness ( skins uk ), engel beekman ( skam nl ), cassie howard ( euphoria ), emaline ( everything sucks! ), gretchen wieners ( mean girls ), caroline forbes ( the vampire diaries -- earlier seasons ), kelly kapoor ( the office ) AESTHETIC – star shaped hoop earrings, drawing hearts all over your notes, needle pricked finger tips, unapologetic femininity, a loud and cheerful laugh echoing through a hallway, pinky promises, heart shaped sunglasses hiding hungover stained eyes, movie nights with popcorn and rose wine, drowning in the sea of your own thoughts HEADS UP – this intro has mentions of anxiety, but i’ve marked all of these with a trigger warning! <3

backstory ( 2008 - 2026 )

penny is born penelope lyra brown-patil --- penelope, for the woman who not only waited faithfully for her husband’s return for years, but who tricked many man in the process; lyra, for the constellation (because the stars are so wise) --- and as the second (and eventual middle) child to lavender and parvati

and she grows up happy. her childhood is peaceful and wonderful, filled with fun days and laughter. there’s not much out of the ordinary --- it’s stable and beautiful, and penny longs for those days quite a lot.

at some point, she learns of the things her parents went through at school, about war and rebellion and fear. penny admires her mothers more than anything --- she’s scared of this world, of this past, but she’s filled with admiration and a bit of fear that she won’t be able to live up to that. (she doesn’t have to, of course --- there’s no pressure or reason to, but still; she wonders about it, and she can’t shake the thought.)

anxiety tw | though life was stable and good, penny has always felt very uncertain about ... everything. insecurity has never been a stranger to her, nor has anxiety or pressure. she has high expectations of herself, expecting nothing short of the best --- and when she failed as a child (whether it was in playing quidditch on toy brooms or when drawing or when trying to sing perfectly), she would throw tantrums. she got help for this as a child after she had her first full-blown anxiety attack, but it never really faded. | end of tw

her interests as a child mostly range from princess stories to drawing elaborate things to cutting out pretty outfits from fashion magazines. she’s gentle and quiet and excitable when she wants to be, a whirlwind of pink and smiles and tangled long hair

at hogwarts, penny is sorted in hufflepuff (though the hat did consider ravenclaw) for her spirit. she doesn’t mind not being a gryffindor like her parents once were (or, at least, she doesn’t later on; at first it just seems like an affirmation that she’s not as brave as they are), likes how yellow compliments her eyes and fits in quite nicely among the puffs.

anxiety tw | teenagedom is a tough time for her. it seems like everyone is able to juggle it all, and then there’s penny: unable to keep up good grades and look pretty and have an exciting social life and have enough sleep. she feels like she’s drowning in all the expectations she has for herself, feels like she’s the only one on this world who is suffering (she’s prone to a woe is me mentality, for sure) and so hides it all behind perfectly curated smiles. her insecurity has always been strong, but it grows. she drowns them out by pretending. end of tw

in those years, she should be learning who she is, but in stead, penny learns how to be what others want. she shifts and shapes and bends herself to match others expectations --- she’s loud and funny and excitable among her peers, grinning widely and flipping her hair, appearing confident and extroverted and completely at ease. sometimes she’s quieter, a more gentle and softer being, lovely and quaint. she’s a model student (minus the amazing grades) to her teachers, a kind older housemate to the first years, a tough bitch when situations call for it. and sometimes it feels genuine, this person she’s showing off, and sometimes it all feels like a play. it depends, on her mood, on the role, on the weather, on the stars.

and you know what? it works. for most of the time. and then sometimes, it doesn’t, and there’s nothing to do but cry endless tears in her bed and be the most melodramatic person in the castle. alcohol tw | this happens when she’s drunk most of the time, to be honest --- penny is such a messy drunk. end of tw 

penny also developed a taste for fuckboys during this time. she wanted to feel loved, she wanted to be touched, to be desired, and part of her was desperate --- but that didn’t make it okay for guys to treat her that way, period. i would get into this more but i don’t feel comfy about doing that akdjssdf. 

when she turned fourteen, she got a sewing machine for her birthday. the next schoolyear, she dragged the thing behind her into the castle, unable to part from it after a summer of sewing. penny had always been interested in fashion, but now she was able to take it to the next level.

the dream to become a fashion designer grows and grows and grows, and penny is quite handy with the sewing machine, and her designs aren’t half bad, but of course it’s a stupid dream --- because penny doesn’t believe in herself, not yet at least.

post-graduation life ( 2026 - now )

penny graduated with one ambition only (see above) and no faith in herself. she became a barista, telling herself that she would work on her self esteem, that she would build herself up and become stronger and ready, that she would work on her portfolio and her design skills and that she would practice and work hard and ... that’s where she’s been for the past few years.

not much has changed, to be honest. penny still feels like that lost teenager, and in a certain sense she is --- she has just gained a slight bit of maturity, has moved out and has started working. her sense of self is still incredibly fragile, as is her self esteem, and while she’s trying to improve it, she just hasn’t found the right way to. 

she feels so stuck. she feels so frozen. she feels like she has no clue who the hell she is, and she doesn’t know what to do about changing that. another part of her doesn’t even want to be thinking about these things, and just wants to have some fun --- once penny graduated, she definitely started partying more sfksjdfhsdkjfh. party girls dont get hurt!!!!! and like, on one hand, that’s all completely fine, because this is the time for fun and self discovery, and who says you can’t do both? 

the timeclash kind of turned everything upside down. it did for everyone, i imagine, but that’s not really how penny sees it (woe is me! why does everything bad always happen to me!!). she’s so scared sakjdf. scared to see her parents and to be a Big Disappointment because she’s scared of the fact that there’s suddenly a war (like, what the fuck?), because she doesn’t want to fight, because she doesn’t even know how to fight!!! 

she’s a coward lmao, but a coward with Standards (lookin at you peter)

i mean, if it came down to it --- if she had to protect her friends or family --- she would fight, of course. she’s just not very good at combatical magic, or at strategy, or at anything war or rebellion-related, really (except for smuggling booze into hogwarts, i guess, but that’s something of the past). and that’s fine, if you ask me, but penny doesn’t think it is --- but that doesn’t mean she’s going to push herself to be braver or to do more

personality & details

jfc i rambled so much up there, time to get a bit more coherent up in this BITCH

penny is such a mess. i have a hard time talking about her sometimes because she’s so messy and because her mood and her energy fluctuate so much --- she can be high energy and extroverted one moment, and completely down and sad the other. 

did i ... project myself .... onto penny?     maybe. partly.

she’s a bit of a chameleon, really. she’s very adaptable and flexible and willing to change for the comfort of others, and she thus feels like she has a small sense of self. this is true, to a certain extent. i think she’s too focused on finding herself that she doesn’t see that she’s already found herself a little, that there are parts of her that are genuine. she’s so hard on herself, expects so much, she’s just ... completely blinded by her own doubts, tbh.

and she’s def a sad bitch and a messy bitch, but she’s so much fun. god. penny just loves laughing and being happy and doing fun and cute stuff! she likes good things! so much! she tries to be such an upbeat person and she can be and agh. i love her like that.

such a romantic. pls stop her. her idea of love makes her so blind and deaf and she always falls for dumb boys :( but skfjshdf she just loves romance! and romantic comedies! and romance novels (tho she struggles to focus on books properly, ngl) and just ... pink hearts and all that fuzzy stuff

when she got her job as a barista, all she thought was that it might just bring her the perfect coffee shop romance

she’s an idiot

she usually just goes by penny, but not because she dislikes the name penelope --- she thinks it’s a really neat name, to be honest (a bit poetic and mysterious), but penny has just been her nickname for so long that she doesn’t want to make people call her penelope. BUT she does want to be referred to as penelope when she gets famous, thank you very much.

regarding that: penny wants to be famous dskfjhdsf. a famous designer, of course --- but she just likes the idea of fame altogether as well!!! 

she takes that dream and ambition seriously, in a way. she plans to take serious steps soon (but she’s been saying that for years), always waiting until she feels ready to put herself out there. the idea of being rejected is just ... massive. the idea of not succeeding, of flopping, is so terrifying, that she prefers sticking with her dead-end job, for now. she has been sewing a lot after graduation, and i imagine she constructs a fair amount of her outfits herself (and does the same for friends), but that’s it, and she’s such a Coward about it

when she buys fashion magazines, she always gets two copies so she can use one for cutouts so she can make collages and moodboards

aEsThEtIc QuEeN!!!!

no really though, she has such a good sense for aesthetics. knows what colours and fabrics and prints mesh well together, always looks on Point, etcetera. 

idk what to say this intro is such a gd mess bc i wrote everything from scratch and i kept changing my mind about things and while penny is a Very old muse, i changed a LOT oops!!! 

you should rate the arcs. share your wisdom with us. (or rank them by craziness /wtf moments)

ok i think rating them is easier than ranking them i can add craziness as a category alright alright

ok this ended up being nightmarishly long so im just putting it all under the cut for anyone who feels like reading giant blocks of text on my opinions on every single naruto arc

land of waves - classic very good i genuinely wish there could have been more arcs like it to show team 7 really bonding and growing together before sasuke ends up feeling alienated its got a really sweet touching story and naruto and sasukes relationship starts off already at a pretty high level of crazy like oh yeah right out of the gate they are trying to die for each other this can only get crazier from here i would have probably liked it more if id read the manga first because the anime murders the pacing of the fights here but overall i do really like it

chuunin exams - i love lots of chunks of it but it did really feel like a slog to get through parts of the forest of death and a lot of the more minor fights because kishimotos really just not very good at writing fights that he doesnt put his absolute most effort into i really love how the anime added to the part where sasuke gets the curse mark and how naruto is separated from him its really emotional and strong sakura actually feels like shes trying to become a character here i love her fight with ino and cutting off her hair legendary and im not a monster gaara vs rock lee still makes me scream the craziness of this arc is actually finally not riding on sasuke being crazy finally gaaras carrying the craziness hello blood drinking 12 year old i hope you get better soon 

konoha crush since i guess its a different arc - ok i actually really love all the weird political stuff kinda added in here the hints at some actually interesting village conflict i wish thats what the ninja war arc could have built from and orochimarus definitely the most comprehensible villain in the story and i love naruto vs gaara so much like thats really peak and tbh extremely satisfying to watch the shitty old bitch hokage kick the bucket like killing gaaras evil dad and hiruzen really was the best thing orochimarus done finally gaara has more help with craziness cuz narutos losing his mind too and sasukes getting some crazy seeds planted for later craziness harvest

search for tsunade - i feel like i really like this arc but when i actually read it im like hmm theres all these parts i dont like but i really love all the character stuff itachis introduction is iconic and i really do love tsunade and her fighting orochimaru was like highlight of everything its weird i dont have a lot to say but i do actually like this arc a lot in a way im like not sure why craziness is kinda low except for sasuke whos absolutely losing his entire mind which stresses me out so much and this is where i start getting extremely sad about sasuke

sasuke recovery mission - 80% of it is the absolute worst part of part 1 and 20% of it is the absolute best part of part 1 like this is really where all the warning signs of quality dropping and like kishimotos lack of skill writing fights really really starts to show like really all those fights do is kill the emotional thread running from the hospital fight, sasukes goodbye to sakura and sasuke and narutos fight which are like the best things hes ever written the craziness is turned up as high as it can get the emotional stakes and pain and love are also so high this is peak naruto if we just pretend the fights against the sound 4 never happened just skip them

kazekage rescue mission - this is where all the omens from sasuke recovery mission and the quality drop really like finally start meaning something because really this arc SHOULD be good and its like really really good in certain places like any time naruto and gaara are talking thats just love right there and all those moments really make it almost worth it except that kishimoto really took such a nose dive on understanding how to pace fights the parts that dont have gaara and naruto gazing tenderly at each other feel like pulling teeth like sasori vs sakura really should be absolute peak and its got some truly fantastic moments but it just goes on for so long i feel like im gonna die before sasori ever does that fight could have given us womens rights and the craziness is really high like naruto is just losing his mind about gaara and sakura killed a man with her bare fists

tenchi bridge - oh the love its palpable here and so is the craziness like naruto going to 4 tails because orochimaru just says a few things about sasuke like wow and their whole reunion is so good the passion and weird emotional issues all coming to the surface i love yamato here hes a fun guy and i really like the new team 7 dynamics they are fun i like lots of parts of it but i cant think of anything else to say its what it says on the tin emotional sauske and naruto reunion

akatsuki suppression mission - alright full disclosure i fucking love this arc this arc is the reason i sometimes throw my brain right out of my head and start talking about how much i love shikamaru i prefer all the emotional moments in the anime a lot it felt very rushed in the manga and like that whole episode of team ten processing their grief was so good but god im so so mad that only shikamaru got to have a big important fight like ino and choji should have been helping equally and i really really hate the fight with kakuzu its just more badly paced bullshit for kakashi and naruto to get to be super op when this was supposed to be a bonding moment for team ten this is a little crazy but its team 10 crazy not team 7 crazy which means they are still pretty normal well adjusted people with brains in their heads who are just having a moment

itachi pursuit mission - sasuke killing orochimaru really was so incredibly perfect and forming taka? this arc is about gay rights uum its really short so i dont have the most thoughts but yeah sasukes like maybe at his least crazy until the end of the story like hes got a real concrete plan find gay friends and kill his brother but hes really got a big storm coming 

tale of jiraiya the gallant - i really do not like jiraiya all that much hes just boring and weird but i love the chunks of rain trio backstory we get they are really the last bit of complete villain characters we are gonna get very tragic idk the fight is like alright for this stage of naruto but it still lasts too long and pains powers still make no fucking sense and feel just too overpowered you know also zero crazy which is very disappointing all naruto arcs should have crazy

pain fight - ive got lots of conflicted feelings like the fights not very compelling at first because genuinely the pain bodies are just too strong its very weird and narutos got this big power up which is what it is i really love pain as a villain like hes literally right about everything hes saying but it has to be bizarrely undercut by just bonding awkwardly about jiraiya and yeah theres some very cool battle moments theres some good shit in there but long drawn out battles arent exactly my thing but naruto going 8 tails was still pretty fucking cool and god it was such a cop out that everyone came back to life at the end COWARD KISHIMOTO

kage summit - the one the only kage summit absolute peak craziness like sasuke trying to take down the entire world government thats absolutely iconic i love him for it so much narutos having his own melt down about sasuke sakuras decided she doesnt actually need a brain anymore and has also lost her whole fucking mind in the whirlwind of chaos like this arc feels like an anxiety attack at some points but god do i love it naruto and sasukes whole confrontation is absolutely peak ill bear the burden of your hatred and die with you?? the love the tragedy this is truly peak gay drama thats really like hes planning a lovers suicide and we are all just along for this crazy fucking ride love it

war arc - how did we go from kage summit to this like kage summit felt like it was maybe actually going somewhere but the quality drop is just like an elevator was cut and we are now all speeding to crash at rock bottom here what the fuck happened why was this written why is it literally 1/3 of all of naruto why has god abandoned us itachi and sasukes reunion was very good and needed i loved all the parts with hashirama and madara and really for one sweet moment it seemed like madara might just be a dumb sexy villain who just wrecks shit until all that spiraled down into garbage if i think about obito for too long i start to go crazy thats the real craziness of war arc is how fucking stupid it is and that is making everyone whos ever read or seen it go crazy right along with it

wiki is telling me the kaguya bit is its own arc so lets go with that - ok kaguya fight is pretty cool im into it to a certain extent her weird portal powers are fun i like that but thats really not what we are here for now are we no we are here for the conclusion to 15 years worth of crazy we are here for sasukes final massive lose his mind time and naruto to go right along with him the love and the tragedy but the hope it offers as well love was really invented by the second valley of the end fight and the anime said gay rights and made it the prettiest thing you will ever look at and also adding all the extra tender moments between them like this is it this is why you watch naruto you watch it all for this and god do we love it but wow the trying to be serious stuff about hokage really is so fucking stupid lets pretend that never happened 

wow i really just typed that all out shout out to u 2 loyal fans who read all this shit i guess it was only a matter of time before i wrote something this long and stupid see i do actually like naruto i feel like i couldnt really hit the balance of complaining or praising so idk it might sound more positive or more negative than i actually am but there are really some good parts yes i watched the whole war arc no you shouldnt

✨, 💊, 💋

✨: What motivates them? Is it a deep rooted passion/motivation, or is it something they struggle with from time to time?

Up until recently Cecelia’s main motivation was really just living up to her family’s name. Absolutely everything the Holmes’ put their name too succeeds and it’s hard coming from that and not feeling the pressure to do the same. In a somewhat healthy decision, after failing three courses at university, she decided to go into fashion because it was just a area that no one in the family had dabbled in before so she had the freedom of making her own name for herself. These days, as she’s getting older and wiser, she’s learnt to throw off the pressure of family somewhat. Now it’s a passion for what she does; a real love of fashion and journalism. She’s surrounded herself with supportive people who want to see her achieve and that’s seriously improved her outlook. Of course, sometimes it is still a competition with her brothers but old habits die hard. Also a motivation to always be moving forward and improving; she doesn’t want to become stagnant in life, or worse, boring and lazy. 

💊: Have they ever dabbled in drugs? If so, what kinds?

Probably not to the extent most people think she has. Watching Sherlock really suffer at the hands of drugs put her off trying anything that serious. Cocaine is a bad habit she began in high school, which only got worse as she got into modeling. Even now she’ll usually get high at a party but she’s not addicted. She does however self medicate with painkillers and anxiety medication, which she really does not need to. She’s a suburban housewife style drug user, it’s embarrassing. Alcohol is her ‘drug’ of choise, which she uses and abuses. 

💋: Where did they have their first kiss? Do they remember who it was with?

No, Celia’s first kiss was in a club, when she was fifteen. She’d got in with a fake ID and a bunch of older girls from school and she was drunk for the first time. She started dancing with nice looking guy, maybe in his late teens, who then kissed her. She was happy to get it out of the way but it was super disappointing. Actually, up until university she was pretty sure she hated kissing and sex. To this day she tends to make up a slightly more romantic first kiss situation but it wasn’t until her fourth kiss that she even knew the guys name. 

long drawn out personal post

this is a bit stream of consciousness, so if you’re reading this and trying to make sense of it, im sorry. its okay if youd rather not. its a lot and its emotional labour to even read it probably. it’s been almost a year since the breakup now. every day closer to the anniversary of it, i feel a little more broken. i’ve had two suicide attempts since then, a prolonged IOP thing, and i no longer see a therapist (though i really should start again). im not crying about borderline personality disorder though. this is all breakup shit. still.  im still holding together somehow. i dont really know how, some days. ive gone through the whole cycle of grieving multiple times now, cycling again and again through denial and bargaining and all that, ‘til i reach acceptance and think the hurricane is at its end. then i find i’m just in the eye of the storm, and it’ll soon pass as i get caught up in the winds again. then i do the whole cycle over and over again. thats what the therapists in the IOP said it was. a grieving process. you can grieve the terminus of a relationship the same way you grieve a dead person. it sounds so silly when i make that comparison. they also said that progress and healing are nonlinear and that it’s not really necessarily going to be as simple as passing through the grieving process a single time.  i said it sounds silly. its not silly though. its real, and i have to remind myself of that from time to time. i dont usually talk about anything personal on here, and its a little weird that im doing it now. but i guess im doing it because i dont know where else to do it. i could do it on facebook, but it feels attention-grabby, needy in a way i always feel weird being. doing it here under a little ‘read more’ thing feels less obtrusive and private, but not so private that im completely trapped in my own skull again. i hate feeling trapped in my own skull.  the anxiety bubbled up and got bad again pretty constantly. it got that way tonight. i felt my heart race while i tried to sleep. usually the worst points stemmed from me looking my ex up and seeing how their life was progressing along without me. unlike me, my ex has a drive and interest in the performance of social media that i generally lack. my social media experience begins and ends in shallow ways: i look at cute butts on tumblr, reblog dumb memes and get vague impressions of things going on in the world and such through the sometimes nonsensical things other people reblog. thats about it. my ex, though, shes the kind of person that does things like update her facebook profile picture at least once in a 6 month period, unlike yours truly.  i dont even follow her or have her friended anymore on facebook. heaven forbid i had an instagram to see what kind of stuff was going on there. it always got the worst when i saw her with her new SO. now i get to look at that every time i get the nerve to message her. its literally painful to even look to the extent i have to archive or delete every stray line of text we send to one another afterward.  i was seriously in denial - i talked myself into believing the SO wasnt an obstacle, wasnt a big deal, he was just a rebound and it didnt invalidate me. it didnt make me lesser, and it didnt mean that i was being replaced. after all, what stranger can replace 5 years of memories and experiences together? but i was a rebound too, and that led to a deep and intense relationship. why couldnt it this time too?  i was naive, i think. hopeful and naive, and i really wanted to believe this and that. ‘i know her’ i’d tell myself. ‘i know her, and i know she wouldn’t think this’ or ‘she wouldn’t do this’. but it’s wishful thinking.  maybe a part of me always did know better. maybe i stopped listening to that part of my own psyche because i started to recognize how harmful it was.  it’s kind of messed up how that works though? like... you can be happy with someone, but also be terrified of that day when they realize they can do better. and then it becomes a sort of twisted, fucked-up self-fulfilling prophecy because that thought sucks the life and passion out of you. it’s insidious and slow.  and it’s tempting to look at it like ‘i was right all along, everyone will leave me’, but that’s not really how it necessarily is. thats just the trauma talking, the fear, the part of my mind that’s lazy and resigned to suffering and collapse. it was that fear that made it real. maybe if i’d learned to manage that fear, though, things could have been different. would have been different.  it’s pointless to speculate on that though. the reason i say it isnt to speculate though, it’s because im trying to remind myself that it can apply to right now. the friendships and relationships i have now - few and far between as they may be, stretched thin as they may be, damaged and in dire need of repair as they may be - aren’t doomed to failure just because i’m afraid of loss and abandonment. the collapse doesnt have to be inevitable.  maybe talking like i’ve learned and figured something out from all this will make me feel better. maybe believing it all had a purpose will make it feel like it was worth it. eventually. right now, though, it doesnt.  i’m still so upset. i’m still miserable and i still long for things i can’t have. i miss affection. i miss being touched, even in a plain and nonsexual way. i miss being kissed and i miss being hugged. i miss being wanted, and every day i wonder if ill ever feel that again. and then i get to thinking, would it be enough to feel that from just anyone again? why do i feel so starved for... any kind of affection at all? why do i feel so desperate for something - anything like this? could anyone ever love me the way my ex did? i guess the cynical and plain answer to that is no, but thats okay. and maybe someone else can love me better. and maybe that desperate longing to be loved, cherished, cared about, touched, anything is just a symptom of an addiction that’s yet to pass. kind of a cold and clinical way to put it though, and i dont know if thats really me. yet i dont want someone else because its not enough to just have anyone. my ex left me, and now i still have that feeling of being invalidated, devalued, abandoned, and ultimately replaced. even if someone else came along and professed undying love for me, no matter how i welcomed it, that feeling of being tossed aside would remain. and i dont know how to come back from it.  i hate how much my mind... fixates on it. like... everything makes me think of it. i cant make a status on facebook without wondering if my ex will see it, what she might think. i cant leave my house and go somewhere without wondering, what if my ex sees me? what would she think of what im doing? would she approve, or be proud of me? would it impress her? or would it disappoint her? it saps the joy out of almost everything i do. i cant watch an old show without feeling bad im watching it without her. i cant help but wonder if she feels the same, or if shes gotten over it. and a part of me doesnt want to know the answer to that wonder. does she still listen to mili? coheed? does she listen to ‘old flames’ on repeat like i do? when ‘sweater weather’ comes on, does she think of me or someone else?  even now as i write this, i wonder if my ex still stops to peer at my dumb blog from time to time for a hint of how im doing and what im thinking. and i dont even know if id want to know, because seeing this message in that light casts a pall over it that makes me feel sick. i didnt want my ex to see how not okay i am. i didnt want her to see the part of me that feels so sick still. and i dont want to know that she doesn’t look at this either. so here i am at an impasse, writing words and tossing them into the void of the internet, hoping for and expecting only silence, while also hating and fearing the very same. id like to think that maybe this is a sign i dont care anymore, but i think i know better than to really believe that.  i force myself every day to just... not reach out. not say anything to her thats real or vulnerable - the few times ive talked to her it feels forced and fake. and it feels like ive cut off a limb, because im so used to leaning and relying on her. but i feel like i have to, because expecting that level of emotional labour from someone that has cut those ties with me seems silly and foolish... not to mention selfish.  why? maybe a part of me thinks that by hiding it, i’d win her back someday. or maybe im just afraid of being burdensome and difficult. or maybe i just... genuinely do want her to be happy without me. i wish it was that last one. i wish i could just back off and be happy that shes with someone else that maybe will treat her good in a way that i couldnt, or didnt.  i dont know what i want, though. i know what i dont want though. i know i hate feeling like this and i wish i could make it stop, but i cant. its not really getting easier. i had the borderline shit before this, and i could end up meeting the criteria my whole life for all i know. the breakup is just a massive complication in that whole mess, but i dont know if id even know what was wrong with me if i didnt have that relationship in the first place.  there was a day a few days ago, or maybe a week or two ago (i dont remember) where i wanted to hurt myself (not physically though for whatever reason), and in order to do it, i made myself do something i was starting to break the habit of doing. i browsed her facebook profile and scoured it for anything that’d make it sting again. i succeeded - it didnt take much. a few pictures, a relationship status change, that was pretty much it. my mind filled in the blanks after that because of course it did. it snowballed into full blown catastrophizing. they’re probably madly in love. they’re probably moving in together, if they havent’ already done so. they’re probably making plans to get married. they’re probably this and that and this and that - like it matters. like it affects me somehow.  but it doesnt. not really, not physically anyway. i dont have to look, and its like i hope not looking will make it hurt less. but not looking makes me hope, and hope has bred more hurt than anything else in the past year.  since i last looked her up in that fog of need to hurt myself emotionally, a lot of that dreadful hope i had that i could win her back drained away, and i want to believe that the pain will go away now. i havent talked to her since then. i still think about her. i still dream. i still fear and i still wonder and reflect. but i havent talked to her. is that good? is it bad? is it anything other than what it is? does it matter? maybe someday ill be over this. a part of me yearns for that. and a part of me is afraid to ever let go, because what if love wins in the end and all the time we had together meant something after all?  did it not mean anything if it didnt end up taking the shape i wanted it to take? no, it still meant something, but does that matter now?  i dont know. all i know is that to this day it hurts and... that’s all. thats all i know.  eleven months later and it still hurts. but i guess expecting it to be all better after 5 years of dating is a little unrealistic. i thought we were gonna be together forever. forever is a long time, though, i guess.  she makes it look easy, but maybe it isnt for her either, even if she’s better at making it look a certain way. i have no way of knowing and thats maddening in its own way. if i had the ability to close that distance... hear her out, be there for her, could i do it? could i get over my own fear and hurt to build a connection again? id love to find out. but i cant seem to get that far.  it doesnt matter though. its her life, and she has every right to move on without me. its easy to say ‘poor me’, but theres two sides to every story. a lot of pain that led up to the end. questions i still have that will never go answered, and closure i might not ever obtain.  ctrl+a, delete, backspace. that’s all it’ll take, tyler. then maybe you can sleep.  but no, instead you’re going to post this. for what? why? is it a cry for help? complaining for the sake of complaining?  i dont know. i cant leave it all in my own head though.  but the silence that i get back in response is liable to be deafening all the same  

So it’s meta Monday again, and here I am finally with this clip analysis.  Please, if you want to play along and give me something to talk about, then hop over to my asks and give me some ideas.  Otherwise, it’ll be another of these next week :)

Episode number and name: Two. Du er over 18, sant?

Clip number and name: Five.  Mekke øl

My thoughts/analysis:  Not only is this a long clip, it’s also one in which a lot happens.  And is, understandably, a favorite for many people including me.  So I apologize in advance for this thing being roughly a million words longer than it probably needs to be.  It’s also very very hard to say anything new about this clip.  It’s been analyzed to death, but I’d never forgive myself if I missed it.  So bear in mind there’s not much new here; this is just my version of a long running love affair with this clip.  

It starts after school on a Friday with what are fairly typical joyous shots of people really happy that they don’t have school again for a couple of days (I empathize -- I may not be a student but I too would like to dance in the streets when school’s over for a week).  And into this, of course, come our boys.  Magnus is showing himself to be someone who wants to learn and do better, and yet is still a bit of an idiot.  He’s taken on board that guys should go down on chicks, and has decided he’s going to do it himself.  Just exactly how he’s going to do this is hard to figure out, considering it’s very clear that he isn’t really experienced and has literally zero game.  Isak doesn’t help, insinuating that Magnus would need directions if he ever got anywhere near a girl, which, from him, is just a teeny bit hypocritical I have to say; but it does say a lot about the personalities of the two.  Neither of them is particularly experienced, neither of them is as good with this stuff as they’d like to be and yet one of them has everyone around convinced that he’s the master of flirting and hooking up, while the other is the object of jokes.  The fact that Magnus can wear his heart on his sleeve like this while Isak has to hide so much is yet another pointer to the distance there is between this group.  The fact that Isak is so good at this mask he uses is sad; it means he’s been doing it for a very long time.  This is second nature to him, and he has cultivated and perfected this image of a player to the extent that it doesn’t even seem like he’s trying.

Then of course, we have the scene where they argue about who owes who beer and so who has to be the one to get it.  The main point here is to set up an evening they are all looking forward to, which Isak then rejects in favor of Even and his many charms.  That Isak ends up agreeing to source the beer makes the stakes here higher than they otherwise would be.  If he was just going it’d be fine for him to skip but a) he’s the one with the in to Emma and her friends and b) he’s also now the one who’s supposed to provide the beer.  So, when he makes the decision later to ditch them it has a lot more weight.  He’s disappointing Emma who thinks he’s into her and he’s disappointing his boys not just by pulling the promise of the party away from them, but also by not providing the alcohol.  We tend to not blame Isak here, because we see how affected by Even he is, but this short scene is here to make us realize that this is a bigger deal than we might think and that the others around him are justifiably pissed off with him when he decides not to go.  

Also obviously, we have Isak sincerely trying to get beer for the guys.  He’s not unexcited by this party etc tonight; he actually wants to go and is making a goodwill effort to get the beer.  Eskild is a no go, but that doesn’t stop Isak from trying.  He’s genuine here.  As a side note, the boys should probably have planned ahead here.  They’re not old enough to get beer themselves so it’s presumably not the easiest task and they’re giving themselves only a couple of hours.  On the other hand, that’s fairly typical teen behavior really.  Decide in the moment what you want to do, and then try to make it happen.

Then we have that perfectly awkward meeting on the tram.  Imagine how joyous Even must be right then.  He’s just standing here minding his own business and then the object of his affections turns up in his tram!  It’s a sign!  Fate, or something!  Unfortunately, this guy is so engrossed in his phone that he hasn’t even noticed Even at all.  The resulting conversation is so deeply, painfully awkward to watch but it tells us so much about each of them.  Isak is overwhelmed, clearly nervous and has no idea of what to do or say.  He looks down and away, he can’t hold eye contact and he’s just a mess.  It’s up to Even then, to carry the conversation, which he does though he leaves it in the realms of small talk.  Contrast this with his very forward behavior at the kosegruppa meeting.  There he had a plan and he set it in motion.  Here, it’s out of the blue so he’s winging it.  And Even’s winging it is kind of not that great, heh.  There are long pauses and Isak pretends to be really interested in his phone, which seems to blunt Even’s approach somewhat.  Thankfully, Isak has his inspiration and asks Even to get him some beer.  I do wonder how awkward that walk between the tram and the shop and Even’s home must have been.  They’re neither of them good at small talk, or at least not when they really care about the person they’re talking to, and this time there’s no weed to help them along the way.  At least not yet.  Again, thank goodness for Even and his inspiration!  He’s not willing to let Isak go now that he has him within conversing distance so he comes up with a plan to take him home with him.  My feeling is that this must have taken a little bit of planning between the tram and the shop because he’s so supremely confident again.  His ability to walk off as if he doesn’t care at all is useful to him because it intrigues Isak and he’s more than willing to follow.  The amount of courage that must take, though: Even has no way to know Isak will follow along yet he does what he thinks will be his best bet at getting Isak alone a little more.  Walking off has worked once, so maybe it will work again.

I actually think, given that Even is shown later to be somewhat scattered and not terribly responsible, that it’s possible that he really did forget the ID.  I know it’s apparently unusual in Norway to not have it, and it’s entirely plausible that this is 100% made up (Isak certainly looks bewildered by the idea that he might have forgotten it), but it’s also a possible hint towards Even’s issues and his illness.  Either way, it gets Isak into Even’s home and they’re instantly more at ease, even Isak.  He’s curious, drawn to Even’s walls as he tries to figure this guy out.  It all serves, of course, to make him seem even cooler.  He has guitars!  He draws!  He’s funny!  Isak’s charmed by it all (and you can see Even’s happiness that Isak seems so into it in his glances towards him as he searches).  This all makes it much easier to forget the beers when Even can’t find his ID and instead produces that social lubricant, weed.  

The next time we see them, they’ve clearly been talking for a while and they’re a lot more comfortable. Isak’s almost garrulous as he talks about school and what you can get away with.  It helps that Even is so very focused on him.  How heady that must be for Isak: this very attractive boy seems to want to know Isak as much as Isak wants to know him.  He’s still playing up a little of course: he’s the tough guy, the one who skips school and who the principal doesn’t like enough to extend the grace for attendance to 15%.  It’s all designed to make Even think he’s cool.  He even admits it when they talk music.  He has his things he listens to when he wants to feel cool.  It’s very close to an admission that there are things he does or says when he wants to feel cool.  This is contrasted very nicely with Even’s mention of Nas.  He’s almost hesitant when he brings it up; this is something that’s important to him (certainly he has memorabilia surrounding him too, so it’s not just a casual connection with 90s rap).  Isak has been trying to act cooler than he really is to impress Even.  Even is trying to show some of his vulnerabilities to connect with Isak.  They both have the same intention: making a closer connection with the other person, but their approaches are very different.  And I think in a lot of ways, the issues they have later arise from this different approach they each have.  The nice thing about it is that as soon as Even realizes what Isak is doing (pretending in order to impress) he calls him out on his bullshit, but does it in a way that’s charming and isn’t intended to hurt or belittle Isak.  It leads of course into the montage where they both clearly fall deeper for each other.  And it’s such a natural move into that moment, allowing Isak to appreciate Even and the way that happened.  They laugh easily, they sit quietly together too.  It’s all such a huge contrast with the tram that it’s hard to believe this is the same afternoon.  Of course, weed has a lot to do with it, but there’s so clearly a natural flow between them.  They get on well right from the start.  

So it all means that by the time they’re making terrible cheese toasts in the kitchen, they’re very much at ease.  They can tease and joke and have fun.  Isak is pretty sure that there’s something happening here; enough so that he’s allowing himself to look at Even in a way that he’d have been too scared too before the tram (in fact, that we saw him being too scared to do just a few hours ago).  Enough so that he’s confident enough that he can blow off his plans for the evening in the knowledge that he can stay with Even.  He also has enough confidence that he can contradict Even with his ‘so bad it’s good’ line.  He’s no longer trying too hard to fit in with what Even wants, and is happy enough to be a little more himself by now.  Incidentally, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: he is not a master liar and manipulator.  His lies here are appalling; telling different lies to two sets of people with easy enough ability to contact each other: rookie mistake.  I don’t for one second buy that Isak was a clever manipulator of Eva in s1.  I think he was an opportunist who didn’t think things through properly and got burned.  Much like he does here.  Because he’s terrible at this stuff.  Even, too, by the way is terrible at lying.  He gives Isak a beer, right out in the open and later says he has plenty.  Like, Isak could have bought those off him and headed off to his party happily.  But since neither of them wants to separate, neither of them brings it up.  Beers for the boys are totally forgotten in fact, because it’s far more interesting to stay here with their crush.  That both think it’s unrequited at this point is both adorable and frustrating.  As is Even’s idea that flirting by talking about male genitalia is cute.  Of course, it seems to work on Isak so maybe he’s just got the measure of his man already.  Or maybe he’s just lucky that Isak is so readily charmed by him.  They eat, they laugh, they have fun together.  It’s all very lovely (and Even’s casual ‘yeah I have heard about your rapping’ is the height of understatement; don’t tell me he didn’t do exactly what Isak did and scour the internet for Isak sightings, much more successfully it seems than Isak was with Even sightings), and it’s designed to show again how well they fit together, how much fun they have when they’re alone and unselfconscious.  It’s all very very sweet to watch.

Of course, all this bliss is there at least partly to make the thorough destruction of all Isak’s hopes that much worse.  His face when Even introduces his friends and Sonja (and then kisses her thoroughly) is heartbreaking.  It’s also then that his lies also come home to roost.  So, not only does he lose the fantasies he’s been feeling for Even, he’s also caught out by his friends and Emma.  The mask he’d been so careful with has been allowed to slip, and just when he thought it was worth doing he finds himself without it right when he’s actually going to need it the most.  He can’t hide from the boys and Emma anymore, even though he does try.  But I think this is the seed of Jonas figuring everything out; that Isak is willing to blow Emma off suggests he’s not into her and Jonas is smart enough to notice that and be able to put it all together over the next few weeks.  It’s also clear that if Isak was thinking properly, he’d probably realize just how significant it is that Even literally forgot all his friends and his girlfriend while with Isak.  But as it is, he doesn’t see it, probably because he’s caught up in his own misery, his own jealousy and his own horror that he’d misread the situation so badly.  So we end the clip and the episode with Isak feeling completely lost and miserable.  It’s not a good way to leave him.  He’s in a vulnerable place and it’s difficult to leave him here after having seen him so very happy and relaxed earlier.

Romeo and Juliet connections for clip:  Certainly none that are overt.  Unless maybe Sonja is meant to parallel Paris a bit the same way Emma has before.  Representing the decent, nice person the ‘Juliet’ figure should be with.  Neither Paris nor Sonja is a bad person; they’re just not the right person for Juliet and Even.  Or not right in these moments.  I’ve mentioned before I think that both Isak and Even thinks of themselves as Juliet, and that makes this all stronger now.  Juliet makes a decision to move away from the person she’s with and to take a leap of faith on Romeo.  A leap that isn’t actually that huge, because Juliet isn’t invested in Paris at all.  She feels a duty to him, but no actual love.  So, maybe this is a hint that despite Even seemingly engrossed in Sonja here, that she’s not actually the obstacle she appears to be.  Even has a duty to her (a 4 year long one), and he clearly feels some compunction around all this.  Though not enough for him to stop pursuing Isak until the Sonja thing is properly dealt with.  In that respect, it’s fairly similar.  Paris is strung along, mostly by Juliet’s parents, but he still thinks he has some call on Juliet and her affections.  As does Sonja, with more direct encouragement from the actual person.

Associated extras: There don’t appear to be any.  Which is a good thing for the sake of my wordcount, which is already eye wateringly large.

Overall impressions: As with probably the entire fandom I absolutely love this clip.  I love how easily and seamlessly it takes us from awkward beginnings to affectionate teasing and casual friendliness.  I love that they both seem so into it, that they both cast knowing glances at each other.  I love that Isak, for the first time, allows himself to hope.  That it ends so sadly for him doesn’t negate the joy that seeps through in every frame of the earlier scenes.  It’s a masterful clip and it does its job superbly.  I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of watching this one.

SUMMARY Thomas Dagget, a Catholic seminary student, loses his faith when he sees visions of a war between angels. Years later, Thomas is a detective with the Los Angeles Police Department. Two angels fall to Earth: Simon briefly enters Thomas’ home and warns him of coming events, while Usiel, a lieutenant of the Archangel Gabriel, is killed in an altercation with Simon. Investigating the disturbance, Thomas finds in Simon’s apartment the obituary of recently deceased Korean War veteran Colonel Arnold Hawthorne, and a thesis about angels which Thomas himself wrote in seminary. Meanwhile, in Chimney Rock, Arizona, Simon finds Hawthorne awaiting burial and sucks his soul out of his body.

The medical examiner informs Thomas that Usiel’s body has no eyes, no bones, hermaphroditism, and the blood chemistry of a fetus. His personal effects include an ancient Bible, with an expanded Book of Revelation that describes a second war in Heaven and prophecy that a “dark soul” will be found on Earth and used as a weapon.

Gabriel arrives on Earth. Needing a human helper, Gabriel catches a disappointed Jerry, a suicide, in the moment of his death. Jerry retrieves Usiel’s belongings from the police station while Gabriel destroys Usiel’s body in the morgue. Finding Hawthorne’s obituary, Gabriel and Jerry head for Chimney Rock. Before Gabriel arrives, at the local reservation school Simon hides Hawthorne’s soul in a little Native American girl, Mary, who immediately falls ill and is cared for by her teacher, Katherine.

After finding Usiel’s burnt body, Thomas hurries to Chimney Rock. When Gabriel realizes Hawthorne’s soul is missing, he confronts Simon. Hawthorne’s soul will tip the balance to whichever side possesses it, and a win for the rebellious angels would make Heaven like Hell with Earth in its thrall. Gabriel tortures Simon, but he refuses to reveal its location, so Gabriel kills him. Mary shows signs of possession by Hawthorne, recounting an incident from Hawthorne’s harrowing war experiences in first-person perspective. Meanwhile, Thomas examines Simon’s remains and questions Katherine. In Hawthorne’s home, he finds evidence of war crimes. Thomas visits a church to reflect in and is shaken by a verbal confrontation with Gabriel.

At school, Katherine finds Gabriel questioning the children. After he leaves, she rushes to Mary’s home and finds Thomas. As Mary’s condition worsens, Katherine takes Thomas to an abandoned mine where she had seen Gabriel. They find angelic script and experience together a terrible vision of the angelic war. Returning to Mary, they find Gabriel and Jerry. Thomas kills Jerry, while Katherine distracts Gabriel when her wild gunshot misses him and blows up Mary’s trailer home. They take Mary to a Native American site to be exorcised. In a hospital, Gabriel recruits a new unwilling assistant, Rachael, just as she dies of a terminal illness.

Lucifer confronts Katherine and tells her that “other angels” have taken up this war against mankind, and since then, no human souls have been able to enter Heaven. He knows Gabriel plans to use Hawthorne’s soul to overthrow the obedient angels. He also knows that if Gabriel wins the war under his influence Heaven will ultimately devolve into another Hell, which Lucifer considers “one Hell too many”. Lucifer then appears to Thomas and advises him to use Gabriel’s lack of faith against him. When Gabriel arrives and attempts to disrupt the exorcism ritual, Thomas kills Rachael, and he and Katherine fight Gabriel. Gabriel defeats them and moves to kill Katherine.

Lucifer appears, encouraging the Natives to complete the exorcism. Lucifer confronts Gabriel, telling him that his war is based upon arrogance, which is evil, making it Lucifer’s territory. Lucifer tells Gabriel he needs to go home and rips out his heart. Simultaneously Mary expels out Hawthorne’s soul. The “enemy ghost” starts to attack Thomas and Katherine, but a bright light from Heaven appears and destroys it. Lucifer asks Thomas and Katherine to “come home” with him, but they refuse. Lucifer drags Gabriel to Hell. As morning comes, Thomas comments on the nature of faith and what it means to truly be human

DEVELOPMENT/PRODUCTION The film was shot in fall 1993. with an $8 million budget and a solid cast including Walken, Eric Stoltz and Virginia Madsen. While strange, unexplained phenomena seemed to plague the film, it was eventually finished with only a few “act of God instances and very little fundamentalist group opposition.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if we ran into some problems later.” Soisson admits. “There are so many different sects of Christianity, not to mention Islam and Judaism, and they all hold angels in different regards. The Old Testament and New Testament are completely different; the New Testament barely speaks of angels. So Christians who look to the New Testament are probably going to find the film problematic. Then again, the Old Testament describes angels as savage beings. They seek vengeance and cause bloodshed, and that’s the kind of angel we’re describing here to a certain extent. If you look at it honestly, there is a truth in the movie.

Gregory Widen

According to Widen, who wrote as well as directed, the film sprang from his fascination with the idea of what makes an angel go bad, prompted by reading Milton and studying the Bible. “I was interested in exploring that and did a lot of research with the Bible,” said Widen. I try to back up the movie as much as I can with the Bible. I’ve got a very unusual take on angels, the idea that they’re sort of God’s hitmen. If you read the Bible, they spent an awful lot of time killing first borns and turning cities to salt, especially in the Old Testament, and so the idea was to really play up that aspect of their personality.

“I thought we’d lost in our modern age the feeling that angels are anything but these fluffy things on your shoulder. There was an earlier time, a few hundred years ago, when they were seen in a much more complicated way, as creatures that were fearsome in some ways. They have free will, they’re not just an extension of God, because they obviously can rebel: they did it once before. They’re just fascinating to me as a creature, the ability to praise God all day, but with one wing dipped in blood. You’re doing God’s dirty work all the time, and you have free will, so what kind of personality does that create in a creature?”

Since the film relies heavily on historical and literary influences, many audience members unfamiliar with angelic lore might be turned off. Widen disagreed, countering, “I don’t think so. A lot of the stuff is mainly textural and will help your enjoyment of the film. And if you don’t get every single Biblical detail, I don’t think it gets in the way. If you do (get it), it’s just an added benefit.”

The film’s interpretation of angels isn’t the only potentially controversial viewpoint. While God and Jesus are mentioned, Lucifer plays a significant role at film’s end.

“Lucifer actually makes an appearance in almost a Lecterian sort of way,” said Widen, “because his basic position is that two Hells is one Hell too many. Gabriel is, in many ways, taking Lucifer’s route, from a Milton point of view.

“Unfortunately now we tend to push these things into all evil and all bad, and the Devil is just this cackling guy in a corner who was evil from moment one. Actually in the Bible and a lot of other writings, Lucifer started out as the good guy. He was the best angel, and along the way he began seeing things in a way that became incompatible with staying with God. And it was almost a heartbreaking falling out. Gabriel is doing the same thing in many ways, where he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. He thinks he’s right and everybody else is wrong. He doesn’t want to be a king, he doesn’t want to rule in Heaven, he’s not trying to overthrow God. He just thinks there’s a fundamental wrong going on and everyone just sees it wrong.

“Ultimately that’s how Lucifer fell, too. He wasn’t really trying to undo God, he just disagreed. Lucifer’s a much more tragic figure in this movie. He’s more like a guy who lost the love of his life and is still a really bad guy, but is still kind of a sorrowful guy, too. But he’s there to help the humans because it’s simply not in his interests for Gabriel to win.”

The story also juxtaposes Christian mythology with aspects of Navajo mysticism. With the final battle staged on a Navajo reservation, the question of how two seemingly disparate beliefs can coexist is raised. “They weave pretty tightly,” explained Widen. “The idea is that the girl’s possessed, and the Navajo culture does have a procedure for depossessing someone. And they carry on as if that’s the issue and the two worlds meld climatically at the end, where you have an Indian exorcism and you also have Christian-based humans desperately trying to stop these angels. The idea is that they all complement each other; they’re not necessarily in opposition to each other as two concepts.

“For example, there’s a line in the movie where one guy turns to the Indian and says, “You know, this may not be a Navajo ghost,’ and the Indian says, ‘It’s all the same.’ That’s the idea. As far as they’re concerned, this is just a negative spirit inhabiting a girl.”

In eerie fashion, the production had its own run in with evil spirits while filming in Arizona. On the day filming was to occur on an Indian village set, Jones Benally, a medicine man employed as a stunt man, warned producers that two bad omens—the sighting of a coyote and an owl—had occurred and he had misgivings about continuing the production. A storm, with 120 miles-per-hour winds and lightning, subsequently blew in, destroying the set.

“We had built an Indian village on a cliff, and it blew away one night,” remembered Widen. “We had a hellacious storm. It was foretold by a medicine man because we had accidentally killed an owl with one of our trucks.”

Despite the bad omen-induced weather, the two-month production went smoothly. “I had a great time,” said Widen, who makes his feature directorial debut. “I had really great actors, which is half your job. If you have great actors, the most important thing is to just get out of the way. I definitely had Christopher Walken in mind (when I wrote this). He was the first one that signed on. Walken is an incredibly gifted actor. He gives you exactly what you want. And he has a certain ethereal quality about him that really works well with this—that otherworldly quality helps you believe he’s not quite of here. I thought that worked enormously well for him.”

The ultimate script was shaped by the concept of the seraph God’s highest order of warrior angels. Widen then centered on one particular angel, Gabriel (Christopher Walken), who wants to overthrow heaven but needs to come to Earth to snatch the black soul of a recently deceased general, which will help him strategically to win the fight.

“This was definitely a tough movie to pitch,” notes Soisson. “It’s a profound concept that makes people go ‘hmmmm,’ and they’re usually blown away when they read the script. It’s different and thought-provoking and scary, and we hope the movie will capture that. It’s one of those lucky breaks, where you’re actually trying to do justice to the script instead of trying to get a script that does justice to the production.”

Selling a studio on the idea was the hard part. After shopping it around, with Widen as a first-time director, all the team received were unnecessary criticisms one executive thought the movie was great, but didn’t understand why they needed to have the angels in it, so Widen went the independent route and ended up with an $8-million budget and considerable creative freedom. “For the film to work, it had to be done on its own terms, and I think it will work on its own terms,” Widen says. “I was afraid the studios would rub off the edges.”

Interview with Virginia Madsen

You worked with another great actor, Christopher Walken, in The Prophecy. Virginia Madsen: Yeah, and you know, Gabriel also has a broken heart. He feels he’s been cast out by a God he deeply loves. He’s terribly jealous of humans; he feels they have replaced angels, and so Chris played that with a lot of deep, deep pain and betrayal.

He’s such an eccentric performer; what was it like acting opposite him? Virginia Madsen: Well, fortunately, I had met him prior to the Prophecy, because we were going to do another film together that never got made. So I already knew him as this wonderful, sweet, quiet man, and suddenly he showed up with this demonic, unholy white skin and black, black hair And he was constantly eating raw garlic! To me he was normal, because I already knew him, but everyone else was scared and repulsed because of the garlic, and I know he was doing that on purpose so people would feel that way.

So he was more Method than Todd… Virginia Madsen: Yes, but I was like, “You know, somebody has to say something.” So I said, “Chris, man, what’s with the garlic?” And he replied, “Well, Virginia, I’ve done a lot of naughty things…” “Oh, it’s a health thing?” I was like, “Yeah, sure it is.” And I said, “Well, Chris, what if we were playing a love scene between the two of us?” He said, “Well, in that case, Virginia, I would abstain.” “OK, thank you!”

You had a great cast all around in The Prophecy – Elias Koteas, Eric Stoltz, Amanda Plummer, Viggo Mortensen. It must have been very interesting to work with them all. Virginia Madsen: Well, it was not a good experience. I mean, it wasn’t terrible, because I love my job and those guys were great, but we didn’t have much of a script. They were constantly trying to write it as we went along, and that’s terrible for actors, because all we have is the lines to say. So that was awkward, and we were trying to make it better, trying to make things make sense. We were acting our hearts out, you know what I mean? It was like, “Well, that makes no sense, but I’m gonna say it anyway! And I’m going to say it with great conviction.” We kind of felt we were treading water all the time, and Viggo came in just for a day and wrote that scene.

Lucifer’s whole “We’re open every day, even on Christmas” speech? Virginia Madsen: Yeah; I don’t know how much he worked with the writer/director, but it was my sense that those were his words, and they were so beautiful. That was one of the extraordinary nights, because I had never met Viggo, nobody knew who he was and his work was amazing. And then Eric Stoltz came in, and he was very poetic, and everyone was intrigued by the idea of angels feeling they were not God’s favorite anymore, and how they were jealous of us because humans have souls. There was all this Biblical stuff we were discussing and trying to bring into the story, and everybody cared a lot about it.

It was also very creepy a lot of the time. There was a lot of night shooting, and the subject matter was very dark, so that feeling prevailed every day, and it kept getting darker and darker and darker. The one ray of light was Adam Goldberg, because he was so funny! I found it difficult to stay in character around him, because he was so hilarious.

Then there was a terrible storm while we were shooting up on the mesa, with the actual Native American tribe from the area we were shooting. This strange pink cloud that resembled a fist, I kid you not, came down out of the blue sky, and it looked like a big finger pointing—the finger of God-and the Native Americans left. They were like, “This is bad. You have bad mojo on the set. We can’t help you, and we’re leaving.” The director was like, “You can’t leave! We’re filming!” And they were like, “That’s a sign from God,” and they took off!

Very quickly, like it was out of hell, this massive windstorm rolled in and just blew our entire village off the top of the mountain. The trailers were blowing over, and the police were up there with a big truck trying to get us out, and then I saw this figure striding toward me it was Christopher in the wind! Trees, tumbleweeds, everything was blowing around him, and he looked so scary. I was like, “C’mon!” He was yelling something, and at first I couldn’t hear him because the wind was gale-force. And all of a sudden I realized he was saying, “Why aren’t we filming?” “Because, Chris, you’re gonna blow off the mountain! Get in the truck!” It was really scary, but he thought it was great. And you know, he was probably right. Somebody should have grabbed a camera and shot that!

  Without question, the only person who could pull off the strikingly dangerous yet sympathetic qualities of Gabriel is Walken, who was also the first to sign onto the film and whose interest was integral to getting such a comfortable budget for an independent movie by a first-time director. Naturally, of the entire crew, Walken has been the only person not affected by the rumors about Queen of Angels’ ninth floor.

“Walken ended up taking off by himself to go up there,” recalls Scott Patton, whose Patton FX (consisting of Dave Snyder, Mark Maitre, Bernhard Eichholz, Walter Phelan, Susan Lamson and Mark Villalobos) provided the special makeup FX. “He said, ‘I’ll be back, I’m going to see a ghost.’ Everyone else was freaking out, because it was 4 a.m. and he was going up there alone. Eventually he came back down and kind of chuckled to himself. Who knows what he saw? He could have seen every demon in hell running down also appears as an impaled angel in one of the movie’s visions, who has the horrible disposition one would expect from the assistant of Lucifer (Viggo Mortensen)himself.

“Being Satan’s sidekick would not be the most desirable position to have in the afterlife,” says Patton. “This character basically has no eyes and a crown of thorns on his face. It’s supposed to be a mockery of Christ wearing that crown and a symbol of blind faith, and blind faith to Satan would be a horrifying thing anyway.”

It was a movie we originally budgeted at $10 million, and we wound up with about $3 million to make it, so we had to perform a bit of triage to make it work, get everything we needed and not go over budget. I totally enjoyed Walken. He’s such a professional that when he had a couple of meltdowns on the set, because of things not being done right—which was somewhat budget-induced-each time he would very congenially ask me to walk with him around behind the trailers, just to have a little chat. Then, as soon as we were out of earshot, he would totally rip my throat out, and then say something like, “Do you understand what I’m saying?” I would say, “Yeah,” and then we would walk back and he was totally cool. Nobody ever knew I was completely shamed by him. I respect that, and I would work with him again in a heartbeat. – Joel Soisson

According to Patton, character makeups have been the effect of choice on Prophecy; among this work contributed by Patton’s crew and his key on-set prosthetic supervisor Dave Snyder are appliances for Walken and Eric Stoltz, who plays the benevolent angel Simon. However, Goldberg had the most work done on him, since he gradually decomposes throughout the course of the film.

“Adam used the makeup in ways more actors should, in the sense of using it to get into character,” says Snyder. “He would take whatever minimal discomfort there was from the makeup and totally buy into that, and blow it so out of proportion that it would be hilarious.”

“He would never ever bitch and moan to us,” Patton adds. “He would say, ‘I hate you,’ and we’d say, ‘Good, we’re making it hurt as much as we can.’ And for some reason, that would make him feel better he’d revel in the fact that he was being put through as much pain as possible.”

Neurotic and terribly funny, Goldberg, who does an eerily dead on Walken impersonation agrees that the process was a nightmare but couldn’t help but use it to his advantage. “It really helped me become the character, because I would never have had any sense how to play this guy until I put the makeup on,” the young actor says. “There’s something about looking at yourself in the mirror all made up, and actually feeling the stuff on you, that makes it quite easy to put yourself in the shoes of somebody who is decomposing.”

Dealing with religious iconography is always a touchy subject, and retain the film he order for secure. While there were many studio offers, the producer held out for independent financing in order for Widen to direct the film himself and also to retain the story’s impact.

“I had to walk a lot of miles, but Robbie Little of Overseas Filmgroup has been extremely supportive,” says Soisson. “He looked at it and said, ‘I love it, but I’m scared of it. I want to help you guys, but it’s going to take a while, and it did. It took almost two years, but he hung on with us. sold off some territories and gambled his own money. We cobbled together the budget and ran with it. I’m sure that if a studio had done it, we would not have been involved. It would have been made for $40 million and I’m sure they would have had some compensating values, but I’m obviously glad they didn’t make it.”

SOUNDTRACK/SCORE

The Prophecy (1995) David Williams

CAST/CREW Directed  Gregory Widen

Produced Joel Soisson

Written Gregory Widen

Scott Patton … special makeup effects: Patton EFX Martha Preciado  … key makeup artist (as Martha Cecilia) Dave Snyder  … on-set prosthetics supervisor Mark Villalobos  … special makeup effects artist Stephen Weber second makeup artist

Christopher Walken as Gabriel Elias Koteas as Thomas Dagget Virginia Madsen as Katherine Eric Stoltz as Simon Viggo Mortensen as Lucifer Amanda Plummer as Rachael Moriah Shining Dove Snyder as Mary Adam Goldberg as Jerry Steve Hytner as Joseph J.C. Quinn as Burrows Jeff Cadiente as Usiel Patrick McAllister as Col. Hawthorne Albert Nelson

CREDITS/REFERENCES/SOURCES/BIBLIOGRAPHY Cinefantastique#27n02 Fangoria#142 Fangoria#335 Fangoria#136

The Prophecy (1995) Retrospective SUMMARY Thomas Dagget, a Catholic seminary student, loses his faith when he sees visions of a war between angels.

My FTM Detransition

This is the story of my own transition and detransition.  This is my experience only.  I’m not speaking for anyone else.  

I’m in my midlife now, and up until about six months ago I knew I was trans. My top surgery and hysterectomy were done almost two decades ago.  My name change was legal almost a decade ago.

I’ll start at the beginning.  I was born in the sixties in a conservative town at a time when gender roles for men and women were extremely rigid.  I know these roles are still rigid, but believe it or not they are less extreme than they were. Growing up it was apparent to me even as a child that I was less than just for being born female.  Fathers were proud of their son’s in a way no one was of their daughter’s.  When son’s were born it was celebrated, when daughter’s were born it was just another day.  Additionally sons had power, they were allowed to be vocal and have opinions. Daughters were seen and not heard.

My mother wanted nothing more than a girl when she had me.  She’s told me that by 3 years old she could no longer keep me in dresses, that she would put me in a dress and within minutes she would find me stripped down and dressing myself in my fathers clothing.  This was the beginning of the clothing wars with my mother, and I give her a lot of credit for finally letting me win that war to a large extent.  She did eventually allow me to wear t-shirts, jeans and sneakers most of the time, though I still had to wear dresses for holidays and events.  Those days involved a lot of screaming fights and crying.  I was not allowed to cut my hair short until high school, which was another battle and a huge relief when the day finally came.

My friends were all boys.  I liked their toys, their games, and playing sports. I felt like one of them, but I couldn’t understand why I didn’t have a penis.  So every night I would ask god to please let me wake up with a penis.  I don’t recall how long I made this request, but I remember waking up disappointed for a significant period of time.  I never had any interest in girls, their toys, or their games.  And I found their conversations boring.

Over and over I heard the same things from the adults around me, even some I didn’t know:

“Girls don’t do that”

“Why are you wearing boys clothes?”

“Why are you wearing boys shoes?”

“You’re a girl you know”

And later, “Why do you have a boys haircut?”

Looking back I can see the beginnings of my internalized misogyny.  And why would I want to be a girl? Girls didn’t get to wear comfortable clothing or shoes. Girls didn’t have any of the freedoms afforded boys. Boy Scouts went camping while Girl Scouts sold cookies and did what I considered to be boring, and in a skirt!  A girl’s future involved getting married and having children, which I had no interest in.  Girls didn’t grow up to have careers, they grew up to be housewives doing laundry and making meals and I had no interest in that either.  There was no room for me in any of this, so from the beginning I was separating myself from girls and identifying with boys.  

At 11 when I got my first period I honestly felt like my life was over.  I became very distressed, and cried every month for years, begging my mother for a way to make it stop.  My mother would try to comfort me telling me that this was something all girls/women went through, and that just made it worse for me.  All I could think was that 12 times a year, for what seemed like the rest of my life I would be bleeding from my vagina.  And while I never liked my vagina to begin with because I felt I should have a penis, I now despised it, and it was the start of intense dysphoria which would last for many years.  To make things worse my breasts started noticeably developing quite suddenly and my mother decided it was time for me to wear bra’s.  My periods were distressing but I would at least get a 3 week break from them.  Bra’s were everyday.  From the very beginning I felt encumbered bra’s. They felt like a harness around my body, and I longed for the freedom I had when my skin felt free under my t-shirts before I had breasts.  

Once I started puberty I was around boys less because I was isolating, due largely to the distress of a changing body and the realization that I was trapped in a body that did not feel like mine and that I did not want.  I was not comfortable in my own skin, and I had a lot of self-hatred because of my body.  

I also discovered the love I had for women was here to stay.  When I was younger I had crushes on girls, but I didn’t give them too much thought because my friends were boys who also had crushes on girls.  The only talk of gay men, or lesbians (shims as they were called in my town) I ever heard growing up was mocking and negative, so I kept this secret to myself.  In high school I was determined to make peace with my body and spent my junior year wearing make-up and dressing like a girl.  I had no friends because I had already be judged a freak by my peers and I became more depressed than I already had been.  In my senior year I went back to dressing in a way that felt right to me, back to men’s clothing, with big button shirts over t-shirts to hide my breasts.  I had learned to wear sports bra’s in a smaller size to flatten myself.

After high school I went away to college in a major city and for whatever reason ended up quickly becoming friends with lesbians and the lesbian friendly women, without even being aware that this is who they were initially.  Then for the first time I began dating woman.  I enjoyed this new group of friends, and girlfriends too.  I got a fake ID and began going to gay and lesbian bars and a new world was opening up to me.  I had transformed into a butch lesbian and it felt like maybe I was coming into my own, sort of.  

I did begin to notice not long after was that I still didn’t feel right in my own skin. I was with a group of friends I loved, and had a girlfriend that I loved and yet I didn’t feel a part-of within the lesbian community.  I was with women, who were proud of being women.  But my body still felt foreign to me.  I still had dysphoria.  I still felt distress with every single period I had, not only that my periods were heavy, and painful, and a full week long.  And I still wore tight sports bra’s to hid my breasts.

It’s important to remember that this was the mid 80’s, long before the internet, and long before the word transexual was used to mean anything other than a pejorative.  The only time I heard the word “trans” was in reference to transvestites and prostitutes at that time, and it was used in the most derogatory way.

After 4 years of college in a major city where being a butch lesbian was largely accepted (in the right parts of the city), I moved to another major city.  This new city was a big wake up call for me because while there was a large lesbian community, it did not include butch lesbians. I had a buzz cut and wore jeans, t-shirts, Doc Marten’s, and a black leather motorcycle jacket and I was not welcome within this lesbian community.  I’m sure somewhere in this new city there must have been butch lesbians, but with no internet I never found them.  I tried for a couple of years to make friends within this group and no matter what I did I couldn’t make friends, and couldn’t find a girlfriend for quite a long time either.

I decided to throw myself into my work and became a workaholic.  I worked long hours, and 95% of the people I worked with were straight.  Once again I became more comfortable with the men I worked with, and generally talked only to the women I had crushes on, some of which I had relationships with.  I still had dysphoria, still hated being in my body, and still did not identify with being female.  I began distancing myself from being female even more, my internalized misogyny came crashing back, and I was incredibly depressed. Life went on like this for years.

Eventually the word trans became part of the vernacular, and when I was about 35 I had top surgery. This was one of the happiest days of my life.  It was the beginning of a journey that was going to help make me comfortable in my own skin.  Within a couple of years I had a hysterectomy.  The hysterectomy was for medical reasons and not related to my being trans, but that was the other happiest day of my life.  Now life was really looking hopeful for me.  I still had some bottom dysphoria, but without breasts and periods my life instantly became easier to deal with.  I very much wanted to start T, but at the time I had a great job in a somewhat conservative industry that I wasn’t willing to lose at that time.  I had already been passing well enough to use men’s rooms and get called “sir” pretty consistently without T, provided I didn’t talk much. But I was leading a double life for years as a female at work and male outside of work, and I was getting tired of that.

In 2012 I started a low dose a T because I was still concerned about losing my job.  When my voice started to change I decided to come out to my boss.  I lost my job about a month later.  A couple months after that I started getting a lot of cystic acne and I was seeing my dermatologist 2 to 3 times a week to have cysts drained.  The longer I was on T the more acne I had, and I still was not at a full dose.  Other than the severe cystic acne, the other changes I was getting were relatively minor as I already looked fairly male, though I did love the big energy bump I got from it.  After another few months both my dermatologist and endocrinologist said as long as I continued taking T, I would continue to have cystic acne.  Cystic acne had plagued me through my teenage years and there was no way I could live with it in my 40’s and beyond. I stopped T.  

While it was incredibly disappointing at the time to have to stop T, at the same time I felt relief.  I can’t exactly pinpoint why because I still didn’t feel or identify as female, but I wasn’t going to actually be 100 percent male even with T. Something didn’t feel right about it.  

It’s been 5 years since I stopped taking T, and in most of that time I still considered myself trans until my thinking slowly started to shift without me being completely aware of it. The more I thought about what my identity is, the more I felt like I’m just me.  Sure, I was born female, but I’m still just me, and that me is gender non-conforming. Then about 6 months ago I was on YouTube, and I discovered there were other people who had people who had transitioned, but had then detransitioned.  And on Tumblr I found more people who had detransitioned.  And none of us detransitioned for the same reasons, we are all unique.

And here’s something else, all my life I considered myself a feminist but I wasn’t, I was a misogynist for decades until the pieces started coming together. I was unknowingly lying every time I called myself a feminist. How could I distance myself from being female in every way possible and not be a misogynist??  Wouldn’t it make more sense to be a different kind of woman?  I didn’t and don’t have to buy into this antiquated patriarchal system of what is male and female.  For me, by transitioning I was buying into that system and I don’t want to perpetuate that rigid binary model.  And more importantly, for me that is, is that had I understood at a young age that is was possible to be whatever kind of female/girl/woman, and that I didn’t have to follow the narrow path I was presented with.  Maybe I could have been spared a lot of discomfort, anxiety and stress I felt about being born female.  It’s not to say I still wouldn’t have been distressed over my breasts because I did feel entirely confined and trapped by bra’s.  But it is hard to quantify whether my periods would have caused so much distress for decades because they were abnormally heavy from the start, and I had excruciating cramps from my first one until the last one.  And by my mid 30’s before my hysterectomy I was having extremely painful periods twice a month.  Just maybe if I had had a normal cycle I would have outgrown the distress, but I’ll never know.  And as for my bottom dysphoria it’s possible that had I not felt so trapped by my gender, had I known there was more than one way to be female, had I had more access to sports and parents who wholeheartedly accepted me as different, maybe that would have eased that dysphoria.  

This is what I’ve come to take away from my experience.  Gender roles are bullshit.  Yes I was born female, but I can be anyone I want to be.  I don’t have to fit into any kind of rigid role I don’t want to.  And I don’t have to take T to try to turn myself into something I will never be. I also don’t regret my top surgery, because who says I can’t modify my body in any way I want to.  I can do whatever I want to my own body.  And here’s something else that happened on it’s own, somewhere between the ages of 40 and 45 I woke up one day and realized I no longer had bottom dysphoria.  I wasn’t working on it, and the only thing I can think of is I just didn’t care anymore.  I didn’t care in the same way I don’t care how people read me.  I know who I am, and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

Maybe all of us who are AFAB could start to embrace our differences and build a better community for ourselves.  If we work together and accept each other, we could begin to close the gap in the difference between the way men and women are treated in society.  We could stand up for each other and not tolerate being “less than”, and we can demand the respect we deserve.

I’d like to add that I am NOT part of the right wing Christian movement.  I am not a republican. I am not against people transitioning because we are free to do whatever we want with our own bodies.  This post is my own experience and nothing more.