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thechangeling · 5 years

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For better or worse, I am alive.

So basically my brain is being a jerk again and making me suicidal. So I decided to repost this.

Set after QOAAD.

Sometimes mornings just hurt.

Kit had no explanation as to why.

There were just days when he opened his eyes and the burden of the day ahead was simply too much to bare.

Today was one of those days.

I'll just sleep for a few more minutes. I just need a little more time. Just a little longer.

Then five minutes would become ten and ten became twenty and suddenly a whole hour had gone by. The heaviness in his heart growing by the second.

Expectations hurt.

Like the way Tessa looked at him sometimes with a glowing smile. Like she was seeing someone else through him. Caught up in her own fond memories. Wanting him to be like the Herondales she lost.

Be brave and strong. Be the perfect warrior like Jace or a hero like Will. Everyone's counting on you. Don't be weak.

Don't be weak.

Herondales weren't weak.

Kit wished he didn't view his feelings as a weakness. He wished he could give himself the same love and empathy he felt for Ty.

But he just couldn't.

Logically he knew that just like Ty's autism, his feelings which seemed to be symptoms of depression, were beyond his control. And yet still he could hear those harsh, jagged words forming in the back of his mind.

Weak. Pathetic. He doesnt love you. He never will.

No one loves you.

It was moments like this when Kit remembered what Julian had said to him about Ty's differences.

There are shadowhunters who can barely get out of bed and there are shadowhunters who find that the words float off the page when they try to read. The clave is aware of these things, but they push these people into the background. They're considered the dregs of the nephilum community. I never wanted that for Ty. They can never know.

The dregs of nephilum community.

No one would have dared to imagine that a Herondale could be one of those people. Different. Not at all falling into their little cooker cutter idea of a perfect angelic warrior.

It was the same kind of thinking that led most people to assume Kit was straight. No he couldn't possibly be "like that".

Fucking small minded babies. All of them.

Memories hurt.

Memories of Ty's smile, his laughter and all his quirks.

Then the memories of Ty raising Livvy from the dead. Pleading with him. Telling Ty that he loved him. He knew it was a bad idea and he knew Ty wouldn't say it back and he knew he was being pathetic and selfish and now he was sinking again.

Kit never really knew what it was like to be loved. He never had a mother growing up and looking back on his relationship with his father, he was almost positive that he had never really loved Kit. At least not the way the Blackthorns loved each other. He shouldn't have let himself crave Ty's love. It would never happen

However, he still let himself hope. Maybe this time things could be different. Maybe this time the pain wouldn't win. But it did. It won in the form of anger. Kit allowed the darkest parts of his mind to transform the heartbreak into anger.

Anger was easier. Anger hurt less then the truth.

I wish I never met you.

A fucking lie.

I love you. I need you. I feel like I'm drowning, I've been drowning my whole life and you're the only thing that makes it better. Things don't hurt as much when you look at me. I'm sorry I know you're dealing with a lot but I need to talk to you. I need to talk to someone.

No. He could never say any of that. He couldn't tell anyone.

Kit rolled over in bed and checked the clock on his nightstand.

3pm. Jesus christ.

Pathetic. Worthless.

Kit squeezed his eyes shut and put a pillow over his head.

I can't do it. I can't do anything.

A knock on his bedroom door jolted him out of his thoughts. "Kit?" Tessa called apprehensively, "Are you alright?"

She didn't sound angry or even exasperated.

She sounds worried.

Worry. Pitty.

These were things worse then hostility. It made everything harder.

"Kit? I'm coming in." The door swung open to reveal a frazzled looking Tessa. Her brown hair had been tossed up in a messy bun and she wore baggy excersise clothes to accommodate her rather large baby bump. Any day now Tessa and Jem would have a child of their own. They probably wouldn't want him around any more.

"Sorry, you didn't answer me" Tessa spoke tentatively, almost as if she was afraid to break him. "Its been one hell of a day. Jem and I are trying to finish the nursery."

Kit looked down avoiding her eyes. "I'm sorry" he breathed out, unable to speak any louder then just above a whisper. It would require too much effort. " I just dont feel well".

I just dont feel well.

I think I'm sick.

These are the phrases Kit kept repeating over and over again. Different ways to tell Tessa how he was feeling without actually telling her.

Tessa sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed beside him. "Ok, but it seems like you haven't been feeling well for awhile now" Tessa explained worridly. "If you need to talk about anything, I'm here." Tessa gave him a comforting smile. Kit was still trying to avoid looking her in the eye.

Why is this so hard? She might understand.

No, She won't. No one will.

Kit could feel his eyes beginning to water. Tessa gently rested a hand on his shoulder. She was biting her lip in contemplation as if deciding what to say.

"Kit listen" she began. " let's say supposedly you had something wrong with your physical health. Maybe a heart defect or a brain tumor or something".

Kit looked up slightly alarmed, "but I dont have a brain tumor?" He cocked his head slightly in confusion.

Tessa looked like she was fighting a smile. "No, but just bear with me here ok?" She pulled her legs up onto the bed so she was sitting crosslegged and then took a deep breath Kit felt the urge to apologize, but instead shook it off. Maybe she wasn't annoyed. Perhaps this was something completely different then Tessa telling him off.

"So, as I was saying" she continued, " if you had something wrong with your physical health you would do your best to seek treatment or talk to a doctor. Right? Or at the very least, you would tell someone".

Kit wasn't sure if he was supposed to answer

"I guess yeah. But I dont get what this has to do with anything" Kit replied hesitantly.

Tessa gently took his hand. " My point is, if you would seek help for a physical problem then why wouldn't you do the same for your mental health?"

Kit inhaled sharply. She wasn't supposed to know. Perhaps he wasn't being as discreet as he thought. His instincts were telling him to deflect or deny it. Do something to make her stop looking at him like that.

But the minute he opened his mouth, he was hit by a wave of lethargy and all that came out was a slow and quiet exhale. Barely noticable to the human ear.

That was all he was capable of managing to defend himself. He was just too tired.

Tessa began to rub slow circles against his back as a comforting gesture. "Hey" she whispered soothingly. "Its gonna be ok. You'll be fine, we can get you help." Kit lifted his lead back up and turned towards Tessa to meet her eyes. " I thought shadowhunters weren't supposed to go to therapy?" Kit asked with a slight hint of hostility. Which he instantly regretted. Tessa remained unfazed and continued to smile at him sympathetically. "Yes well we aren't exactly a part of shadowhunter culture right now, and even if we were, nephilum attitudes towards therapy are something that needs to change as soon as possible." Kit nodded along, behaving almost as if he was in some sort of trance. Not fully processing what Tessa was saying. He could hear her continuing on with her reassurances, making plans and promises. He wanted to be happy someone cared enough to try and help him.

But he just couldn't feel it.

"I dont know" Kit deflected, turning his head away. " I just don't know if it'll help, I feel like nothing I do makes anything better".

Tessa was silent.

Sensing a pause in the conversation, Kit layed back down horizontally on top of the bed. Just talking alone seemed to take a lot out of him. He waited for Tessa to say something but there was only silence.

Silence, and then "you should talk to Will".

Now that defenetly got Kit's attention. He shot back up like a rocket and turned to face Tessa again. At first he thought maybe it was some attempt at humor but she looked deadly serious.

"Talk to Will? How?" Kit asked, furrowing his brow in confusion.

Tessa rolled her eyes fondly while still maintaining a small smile. "Kit, I know you can see ghosts. Every Herondale can. So that means you should also be able to see Will and I think he could help you. He has dealt with feelings like yours before. You could almost say that mental illness might be a bit of a Herondale family trait."

Before Kit could respond. Tessa was standing up. " I need to start thinking about what we're having for dinner later and I need to call Magnus. If you want to talk to either me or Jem, we will be in the living room. But I would reccomend taking my advice." Tessa finished, rolling back her shoulders and shaking out the kinks in her upper back and arms. She started towards the door.

"Wait." Kit called after her. Tessa paused to listen. Kit drew all the strength he had to conjure up a smile. "Thank you."

Tessa returned his smile, "Your welcome sweetheart." Then she turned and disappeared down the hallway.

Kit lay back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He had a feelings things still wouldn't be easy, but for the first time in awhile he was experiencing something besides the empty blackness. Something completely different.

Hope.

#kit x ty #kit herondale #mental health #the dark artifices #tda #mental health acceptance #mood disorder

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titsthedamnseason · 5 years

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If you haven't done it already can you do headcanons about Julian's birthday?

bitch you know it asdfghj and by some miracle ive actually gotten these done before the two weeks that could potentially be his birthday are over so happy birthday julian!!

julian has never really had a big birthday celebration before

of course emma and the kids and diana always got him gifts and spoiled him

you know, doing chores for him, letting him relax for a day, stuff like that

but poor julian is a worrier so he’d always end up insisting to help anyway, saying that he wanted to

he even would always make the cake since no one else could

it wasnt until later that everyone realized that every time they had tried to spoil julian on his birthday, he turned it around on them, and he wound up doing most of the work

they are determined to make his 18th birthday different

helen and aline are more than capable of holding down the fort now

plus julian and emma take a break from their travel year for the holidays and are in the institute for julian’s birthday

which could be anytime from jan 1-15 but my personal hc is that it’s on new years day (wink wink)

so anyway julian and emma will be in la for his bday and julian is a lot more carefree this year so everyone is highkey determined to give him the best birthday this year

nobody wakes him up early, and after staying up so late the night before his normal internal clock doesnt wake him up as usual

at 12am everyone else shouted “happy new year!” and emma shouted “happy birthday julian!”

anyway when julian does wake up, later than usual, his first instinct is to shoot out of bed and get the kids breakfast but he takes a moment to himself to revel in the fact that this is his first birthday spent waking up next to emma as her boyfriend

emma seizes her moment and convinces him to stay for just a while longer, im sure the kids are fine, helen and aline have been taking care of them for months

julian gives her like five minutes of kisses and cuddles before beelining for the kitchen

he finds that everyone else has already been up for an hour or so and has already eaten breakfast

the second he enters the kitchen everyone yells “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” and he is bombarded with hugs and drawings and cards and stupid gag gifts from the kids that he accepts with a smile cristina and mark both hug him as well and he’s pleasantly surprised to see them

(if you read my tda holiday hcs i made them leave before this point but awsxdcfvgyh they come back to surprise him)

he grabs a plate for himself reluctantly, wont stop apologizing to helen and aline that he overslept

they keep telling him they dont care but, surprise surprise, he’s not listening

when julian goes back to his room to get dressed he finds emma already ready with his favorite blue dress of her’s on and holding a present for him

his reaction is “oh that reminds me” and he pulls out another gift from under the dresser

emma is like ????? and julian is like “…for you” and emma is still like ????? so then julian explains “i got you a new year’s gift too”

emma is like fuck that shit this is a birthday gift asdfgyhu “who the fuck buys new year’s presents” “i dont know i love you” “i love you too but what the fuck julian now i look bad” “you couldnt look bad if you were trying”

anyway after emma gets it through julian’s head that he does deserve a birthday gift and no, she refuses to open up his gift to her on his birthday, nice try, julian, he opens it up

it’s a new blue shirt that almost exactly matches emma’s dress which is “an unfortunate coincidence”

he cant stop telling her it’s too much, you shouldnt have, and emma is like hoe you think im done??? think again

but actually she doesnt say that, she just says youre welcome asdfghyuj

anyway

they go meet everyone in their matching outfits and they all just hang around a bit, there isnt much else julian could ask for than to be with his family

but at lunch emma surprises julian with a picnic for the two of them at the beach

she promises that she didnt touch the food, she had aline make it all asdfrghy

once they finish emma gives julian more presents(“this is a prank right?” “am i laughing? actually i am but not because this is a prank, please just open the presents” )

the first is a whole set of paints and brushes and other art supplies i know nothing about, all custom made, the brushes with inscriptions on the handles( “jb” “as long as you exist and i exist i will love you” “i love you more than starlight”)

julian: where did you get that last quote from?

emma: i thought of it

julian: *melts*

he asks how she knew what supplies to get him and she told him how she saw him looking at all this stuff back in that shop in london and went back to get it for him

he’s so touched

he is already certifiably not okay™️ because the whole day has been against everything he’s ever known and he feels weird, he just wants to give something to someone, literally anyone

julian is so happy and when emma pulls out an envelope he has to bite his tongue to keep from saying “oh no not again”

emma just gives him a look when she sees him holding back asdfgbhgt

he’s preparing himself for some sort of long sentimental card from her that will probably make him cry but what he gets is worse

it’s just a piece of paper that says “im having so much fun on our date right now, but id love it even more if you came with me to the louvre to our next one”

julian is shooketh to a level beyond all levels

he cant imagine why emma looks so worried he wont like it

they laugh and hug and then proceed to kiss a lot before going back to the institute

julian is ready to just chill now

he comes in and there are decorations filling the entryway

a million balloons, streamers, banners

he looks at emma who just shrugs but she’s smiling so big and has a knowing look on her face

there’s a beautifully decorated poster next to the staircase that says “TAKE ONE” and there’s a party hat for emma and a ridiculous crown for julian that says “it’s my birthday!” under it

they follow a trail of posters with arrows on them to the living room(im pretty sure they dont call it that but the room with the computer in it is where they always hang out so that’s what i mean awsedfvgbh)

everyone yells “SURPRISE” when they walk in and julian is sure he’s in a permanent state of shock

like yes he just followed an entire trail of arrows to get here but it’s still so much more than he expected

they eat pizza and play music and all just hang out and it’s a fun time

at one point julian goes to adjust his crown but everyone thought he was taking it off and yelled at him aesdxcfvgbh

they play stupid party games like pin the tail on the donkey(which theyre all good at since theyre shadowhunters asdfghjui) and charades and stuff like that

everyone gives julian more presents and he thinks he might combust

they sing to him and have cake

they give him one more gift after they sing and it’s a photo album of julian and his siblings and emma through the years

there are ones of baby emma and jules playing to 12 year old julian intently speaking to ty and livvy to 14 year old julian reading with tavvy to 17 year old julian laughing with dru to ones with helen, mark, aline, and cristina in them and ones from the travel year and julian is amazed

he’s so touched and he’s proud that he only cries a little

a little after that everyone starts getting tired since they stayed up until midnight the night before

diana goes home, tavvy goes to bed, followed by dru and ty shortly after

when julian hugs ty on his way out he almost feels like livvy is there too, and he doesnt understand why ty goes pale when julian tells him, julian worries he shouldnt have said anything before ty just smiles and says “good” before walking out

everyone else goes to bed shortly after

julian and emma are laying in julian’s bed when she pulls out a card for him, but tells him it’s nothing special

he opens it and begs to differ

the front of the card says “so many ways to say i love you” and she has filled the inside with ways she said it over the years

“protecting you in fights”

“i’ll put the kids to bed tonight”

“i would do anything for you, jules”

“we’re parabatai, we can do this”(julian doesnt like this one)

“take a break”

“please stay”

“i need you”

“your hair is a mess”(“really emma? “shut up”)

the list goes on until it ends with “i love you. love, emma”

they are both crying at the end

“i love you so much, emma”

“i love you, t––”

she doesnt get to finish

they have more important things to get to and, needless to say, they dont get much sleep that night either

#anonymous #asks #i wrote this a while ago and i dont feel like rereading so i hope it isnt horrible aswedfgh #julian blackthorn #blackstairs #tda #tda hc #tda birthdays escapade #my writing #mine #posting this on the 13 bc td is a good day #13 13 13 #a blessed number

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dovahgriin-archive · 5 years

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Strangers in this Town

Book Two: The High Priestess

Summary: In Which Aza has Two Mysterious Visitors

Character(s): Aza Vallen, Julian Devorak, Nadia Satrinava

Relationship(s): Aza & Julian Devorak, Aza & Nadia Satrinava

Warning(s): This is super long. Like,,,, super mega über long. Also, spoilers for Book 2, but I think you all are smart enough to figure that out on your own.

The knocking continues as Aza steps away from the back door, gradually becoming louder and more insistent. She’s more than half-tempted to just ignore whoever it is and go to sleep (it is rather late, after all). Aza shakes herself and pinches the fat of her cheeks.

“Enough,” she mutters to herself. “Deal with whoever this is, and then you can go to bed.”

Even as she moves towards the door, Aza’s eyes longingly find the stairs that lead up to the living quarters.

She reaches the door and presses her cheek against the well-sanded wood as she peers through the peephole. In the dim light of the street lanterns, a slender hooded figure stands before the door of the shop. Their hands twist anxiously before them. Even in the poor lighting of the street, Aza can see jewels glittering on their fingers and wrists.

Aza can’t see their face.

Please, please go away, she begs the stranger mentally. Naturally, her thoughts go unheard and the stranger reaches forward to knock on the door again.

Sighing reluctantly, Aza reaches up to unlatch the bronze lock. She opens the door.

“Forgive me for the hour, but…” The figure steps over the threshold, unwinding the heavily-embroidered shawl from around their neck as they go. “... I will not suffer another sleepless night. Please, you must read the cards for me.”

The elegant cloth slips away from the stranger’s face, revealing a bronzed aquiline profile and wide carmine eyes. At the sight of her, Aza’s heart leaps into her throat.

“It has to be you,” the Countess says. “It must be you.”

It takes Aza a moment to gather her words. “If it is a reading you seek, my lady, you’ve come to the right place.”

Nadia Satrinava raises one finely manicured brow. “So I’ve been told. Your reputation precedes you, magician.” She looks off to the side, eyes suddenly far away. “Beggars and nobles alike… the people of this city whisper your name in wonder.” The side of her mouth quirks up, “Though, in my dream, you were… different.”

Aza frowns. In her dream? This is the first I’ve heard of the Countess having prophetic dreams.

“No matter. I come with a proposal for you,” Countess Satrinava continues. Aza holds up a hand.

“Wait, you had a dream about me?”

“... Yes. It is an unwelcome ability I have come into possession of. My dreams are haunted by visions of a future waiting to unfold.”

She certainly looks haunted, Aza thinks to herself, for it is true — the Countess’s face is tired, and though her makeup hides it well, Aza can see the dark circles beneath the Countess’s wine-red eyes.

“But the future I saw, the one that brought me to you…” the Countess’s eyes narrow defiantly. “... it is one I will not allow to pass.”

Her gaze softens as she looks Aza fully in the eyes. “Tell me, magician,” she says softly. “Will you heat my proposal?”

Aza’s mouth is drier than the sands of the desert outside of Vesuvia’s borders. “P-Proposal?”

Countess Satrinava’s mouth curls in amusement. “Not very talkative, are you? Are you nervous, perhaps? You needn’t be, you know. I require very little of you.

“Be my guest at the palace for a short while. You will be afforded every luxury, of course. It is as my dreams foretold.” She pauses, considering her next words. “I ask only that you bring your skill as a magician… and the arcana.”

Aza blinks at the woman before her, her words echoing in her head. Dreams… foretold… the arcana… the Arcana… She knows that the realms of the Arcana are from where most magic is drawn, but not very many people that aren’t trained practitioners know that. Either Countess Satrinava was well-educated beyond that which is expected of a noblewoman, or… Aza’s thoughts trail off as she considers the woman before her.

To her credit, the Countess meets Aza’s gaze without wavering. “Well…?”

“I must admit, my lady,” Aza says slowly, “that I am at a loss. What is it that you need me for, exactly? I’m not in the habit of making promises that I don’t know if I can keep.”

The look that the Countess gives Aza is patient. “For now, I wish a reading. To… test the waters, if you will.”

Aza nods. “That is something that I can do. If you’ll follow me, my lady.”

She leads the Countess through the shop to the reading room, the entire while conscious of the noblewoman’s imperious gaze on her back. Aza is suddenly and painfully aware of how humble the furnishings of the shop are in comparison to the Countess’s fine attire, but the Countess doesn’t seem to notice the difference. Countess Satrinava settles herself on the cushion that is closest the the window and the moonlight illuminates her from behind, gilding her hair silver.

Though it feels slightly wrong, Aza sits in Asra’s usual spot because it is the one directly across from where the Countess sits. Remnants of Asra’s power linger here, brushing over Aza’s skin like the ghost of a touch. The Countess watches Aza closely as she lays the deck of cards on the polished surface of the table. She seems… apprehensive.

“Go on,” she says. Aza nods once, reaching over the table to shuffle the cards. As she does so, Countess Satrinava folds her hands before herself and closes her eyes. Aza fans the deck out and holds it close to the Countess.

“My lady?” At Aza’s prompting, the Countess opens her eyes a sliver. “I know this is not usual, but… I find that, sometimes, it is best to let the questioner pick the cards.”

Eyebrows raised, the Countess complies, sliding three cards out of the deck, keeping them facedown. She does not look at them. Aza thanks her quietly, and she responds with a smile as Aza arranges them in an inverted triangle. A wave of déjá vu washes over Aza. She swears that she can almost feel Asra’s presence behind her, his voice in her ear, whispers on encouraging words on the wind.

Asra isn’t there, though. Aza shakes her head minutely, brushing away the residual energy with her own aura. It will only distract her when she is meant to be concentrating on the Countess’s reading.

Countess Satrinava watches closely as Aza’s hands hover over the cards. Aza’s eyes are closed, and she frowns slightly, the skin between her brows wrinkling up. They sit there in silence for what seems like a lifetime. Finally, Aza’s hand descends on the card making up the tip of the triangle and she flips it face up.

The fox-like face of the Magician looks up at the two women through narrow purple eyes.

“... the Magician…” The Countess murmurs. Aza looks up at her sharply. Just how much does the Countess know of the Arcana?

“... Yes.”

“How very appropriate,” Nadia says, leaning back from the table, arms folded across her chest. The light from the candles dotting the room catches on a particularly large sapphire ring, sending flecks of light dancing over the Countess’s face. Her eyes are narrow, but she isn’t frowning. Aza isn’t sure what to make of her expression. “And what does he hold for me?”

Aza’s eyes flutter closed as the answer comes, quick and clear as the rivers in the forest: “You have a plan.”

The Countess’s gaze flicks from the cards to Aza’s face. “Go on…”

“One that is long in the making. Years upon years.” Aza opens her eyes and meets Countess Satrinava’s gaze. “Now, you seek to set it in motion.”

The Countess looks… mildly surprised. She leans forward, elbows on the edge of the table as her hands rest flat on top of it. Her eyes flash brilliantly in the candlelight. “And? Should I move?”

“Yes,” Aza intones. “The time to act is now. Everything has fallen into place.”

“Say no more.” Countess Satrinava abruptly stands, jostling the table as she does so. She casts another thoughtful glance at the card as she brushes past Aza on her way through the beaded curtains. Aza hurries after her into the shop proper.

The Countess turns to face Aza. Her expression has Aza’s heart racing in anxiety. “Your fortunes are simple, much the same as the others that I’ve heard. And yet…” she trails off, gaze distant. “And yet, you are the first to pique my interest.”

Aza isn’t sure how to respond.

Countess Satrinava begins to rewrap her shawl about her head and shoulders. The green-gold fabric shimmers in the low, warm light of the shop.

“Ahem.” The Countess looks pointedly between Aza and the front door of the shop. It takes a moment, but realization dawns on Aza, along with a vague sense of embarrassment. She trips over her feet in her hurry to the door. The Countess catches Aza by the arm, just before she hits the ground. She looks on, mildly amused, as Aza flushes and hurried to open the door for her. “Until tomorrow, then, magician. Pleasant dreams.”

With that said, she glides over the threshold and into the misty night. Still as a statue, Aza stands in the doorway. What on earth could the Countess want with me, she wonders to herself. Why me, out of all of the fortune tellers of the city?

Aza returns inside. All that talk about my ‘reputation’... She locks the door. Could it be that she mistook me for — ?

“Strange hours you keep,” an unfamiliar voice says. Aza shrieks and leaps to the side, banging her hip on the corner of the counter. She looks around the shop, eyes watering.

“Who’s there?” She summons a crackling ball of fire to one hand. Her eyes dart around the room, chasing dark shadows that seem to leap and dance with every move that she makes. “Show yourself!”

“Behind you,” the voice says, and she whirls around. Sure enough, there is a stranger standing behind the counter. She scrambles backwards, pressing herself against the smooth, worn wood of the door. They are tall and thin, but the white plague mask and black-and-red cloak that they wear makes them seem much larger. The stranger steps towards Aza, looming over her like some gangly giant. She grits her teeth and raises the hand that is holding fire.

“Stay back,” she threatens. Surprisingly, he — for the stranger is a man, Aza realizes with a jolt of fear — listens and stops.

“My sources tell me that this is the witch’s lair,” he drawls, folding his arms. Aza blinks.

“The… witch?”

“Yes, the witch. But you look nothing like I was told, so tell me: who might you be?” Aza’s heart picks up speed again as the strange man advances on her once again. He… doesn’t seem concerned about her flames, and that in itself is enough to have them sputtering out.

“W-Wh-Who’s asking?” Aza curses herself as her tongue stumbles over her words, and the slip-up of her stutter has her cheeks flushing a brilliant pink. The man pauses.

“I’m asking. I would rather not to have to do so again.” He sighs behind the mask, a muffled exhalation of air. “But… if it will make you talk…”

Aza flinches as the leather creaks and squeals when the strange man pulls the mask off of his face and tosses it from the floor. The first thing that she notices about him is his nose — it’s absolutely enormous. Her eyes are then drawn to the eyepatch over his right eye. He’s handsome enough, overall, she thinks mildly. A nice face.

But… something niggles at the back of her mind, a thought that she just can’t catch. He looks so familiar…?

“Well, I can tell by the look on your face,” the man smirks, “Shock. Horror. You know who I am, don’t you?”

Something clicks in Aza’s mind, and she is surprised to find that he is right — she does know him. This man… the townspeople used to call him — “Doctor Jules?”

The doctor looks surprised, brown eye widening slightly as his gloved hands fall to his sides. “Huh. Haven’t heard that name in years.” His expression morphs into a scowl. The leather of his gloves creaks as he clenches his fists. “Quickly, now. Where is the witch?”

Aza scoffs. She is now absolutely certain that this man is looking for Asra. “L-Look, I don’t know anything, a-and even if I did, I wouldn’t tell someone who barged into my h-home!”

The doctor’s mouth draws into a tight smile. “And here I thought we could keep things civil.” He folds his arms again. Doctor Jules towers over Aza, chilling the air around them. “Well… if you will not tell me where he is…” It’s like a switch is flipped on his personality, and suddenly the man smiles at her. “Won’t you at least tell my fortune?”

The change in his voice and face is enough to send Aza reeling, so to speak. She stares at the doctor, taking a moment to process his jump from threatening to asking for a reading. “I-I-I... Huh?”

“That is what the back room is for, yes?” Aza bristles at his condescending tone.

“Yes, it is,” she says between gritted teeth. Who does he think he is, coming in here like this…? “If you’ll follow me, sir.”

She leads the doctor through the beaded curtains and into the reading room. Arms crossed, Aza waits impatiently for Doctor Jules to sit down before doing so herself, foot tapping all the while. The doctor waits for Aza to sit before leaning his arms on the table, hands folded. “So, if I remember correctly, I must simply think of a question that I want an answer to and then you flip a card?”

“... That’s the barest bones description, but yes.” Aza grabs the deck from where she left it after following the Countess out of the room and shuffles it. Irritation makes her fingers sure and quick, and she doesn’t hesitate in dealing the cards out in the inverted triangle (again). Closing her eyes, she breathes in sharply, but lets it out slowly, trying to picture all of the excess negative energy leaving her body on that breath.

Calmer now, Aza reaches for the cards.

The doctor slaps his hands on top of hers, effectively pinning them to the table.

“Hey!” Aza pulls away — or, rather, she tries to. Doctor Jules has a grip on her like a viper and doesn’t let go no matter how hard she tugs.

“Now, answer me this, magician: where is the witch?”

“My master is gone.”

The doctor looks irritated. “Yes, I know that. Where has he gone?”

“I don’t know.” Aza’s mouth tightens imperceptibly as the man scoffs. “L-Let me go and I will read the cards for the answer you seek.”

“... Very well.” Doctor Jules releases Aza’s hands. She snatches then back, rubbing at her wrists as she channels a small healing charm through her fingers. Her skin glows a bright blue for a moment, then returns to its normal shade of peach. She’s pleased when the doctor looks guilty.

Aza’s eyes slide shut as she feels the energy of the cards laid out on the table — each is equally strong, which is… unusual. Eventually, the card making up the upper right corner of the inverted triangle proves to be the loudest. Aza’s fingers nimbly flip the card face up.

Her mind begins to race. No voice can be heard from the card, no sound at all aside from the pounding of blood in her ears. “... Death.”

“Death?” The doctor’s voice is incredulous. “Death?” His laughter is uncontrollable, as sharp and cold as ice. However, as soon as it starts, it stops. His brows pull downward, as do the corners of his lips. “You’ve got to be joking.”

Aza jumps in her seat as he abruptly stands, slapping the tabletop with open hands. “Death cast her gaze on this wretch and turned away. She has no interest in an abomination like me.”

He spins and leaves the reading room. Aza scrambles to her feet and follows close on his heels. She feels nothing but confusion, rather than the fear from earlier.

The doctor stops in his tracks, and Aza bumps into his back. He turns to peer down his nose at her. “You’ve been hospitable, so I’ll let you in on a little secret,” his voice drops to a whisper, even though he and Aza are the only two people in the shop. “Your witch friend will be back for you. He’s taught you all his little tricks. You may even say that he cares for you.

“But when he returns…” the doctor bends over at the waist to grab his beaky mask from the floor, staring into its red glass eyes. “Seek me out. For your own sake. That… creature… is far more dangerous than you know.”

Aza bristles. “My master isn’t dangerous!”

Doctor Jules shrugs. “So you say. Keep my warning in mind, though. I promise I won’t say ‘I told you so’ when things go wrong.” With an exaggerated wink, he slips the mask back onto his head, securing it with a leather strap beneath his reddish curls.

“The hour is late, and it seems that my time is up. Don’t let him fool you.” He opens the door and slips out into the early morning mists, letting the door slam shut behind himself. Aza stares hard at the door, like it is the door’s fault for the doctor’s melodramatic warning.

Shaking her head, Aza locks the front door of the shop and, one by one, puts out all the lit candles. She summons a bobbing orb of light once she is finished, and makes her way up the stairs to her closet of a bedroom. Aza strips down to her shift and practically falls into bed. She is asleep before her head hits the pillow.

#annika writes stuff #the arcana #fan apprentice #oc: aza vallen #julian devorak #nadia satrinava #julian x apprentice #nadia x apprentice #julian & apprentice #nadia & apprentice #julian devorak x mc #nadia satrinava x mc #book 2 spoilers

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juliivn-blog · 6 years

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[ bill skarsgård, cismale, he/him, 29 ] BRAIN STEW by GREEN DAY? whenever i hear that song, it reminds me of JULIAN NILSSON. maybe because they’re SELF-RELIANT but also CAVALIER. they’ve been living at mulberry apartments since SEPTEMBER of 2018 in APARTMENT 203 and have 1 ROOMMATE. [ lainie, she/her, 21+, cst ]

hello bitches it me ( lainie ) back at it again !! this time bringing u the anti adrian and pls be wary bc there are a lot of sensitive topics down below ( tws for major drug use, drug addiction, death, grief, shitty parenting, neglect, abandonment?? kind of idk better safe than sorry ) also u can find a tl;dr at the bottom since it’s literally SO LONG

BACKGROUND

so bear with me bc his background info is kind of Long!! his mom and dad are from just outside of st louis, missouri. his mom came from a pretty wealthy family and she was just like tryna be ~rebellious in her young adult years by dating julian’s dad (who came from a super trashy family and had a Bad Boy Rep). when she was 19 and he was 22 she got pregnant ( with julian ) and her fam was like get rid of that baby or ur gone !! but they were “““madly in love””” and she was on her rebellious shit so they literally eloped to the city ( st louis ) and got an apartment together and had julian but never actually got married bc they were too cool ( read: irresponsible ) for that. ofc this ended up being rly miserable bc she was used to living the rich life and now her family had disowned her, and suddenly she was starting to realize this dude she had a kid with was kind of a deadbeat party boy with no interest in having a family, not to mention she started realizing like?? i don’t actually want a kid this is a lot of work?? so like julian’s childhood years were a lot of him having to learn to take care of himself and not having anyone to depend on most of the time. and that’s not to say they didn’t both care abt him on some level bc there were definitely times they paid attention to him and gave him a birthday party or two but for the most part he was on his own

his secret favorite memory is flying a kite with his dad when he was 4 but u would be more likely to win the lottery than get him talking abt that

fast forward 5 years and finally julian’s dad, now in his late 20s and getting antsy, peaces the fuck out to los angeles to live his best party boy life. baby julian is very upset bc even tho his dad doesnt pay a lot of attention to him he like idolizes him. julian’s mom is saltier than EVER about having to take care of a kid but she doesn’t wanna go to LA ( especially for this asshole she doesn’t even like anymore ) and her parents won’t have anything to do with her or her illegitimate child so the NEXT 5 years are a lot of moving around from shitty apartment to shitty apartment and job to job by themselves. his dad would now and then send weird postcards and letters and pictures and stuff from cali so he had like a vague idea of the fact that his dad was living his own life somewhere that looked super wild, and when he was 11 years old he sent a letter back asking if he could come live with him. his dad contacts his mom, there’s a bunch of fighting, but in the end julian did indeed get to go live with his dad in los angeles, mostly bc his mom just didn’t give a fuck anymore and was lowkey like…u know what fine take him i can have my life back

obviously his dad does not know how to be a dad !!! he kind of thought of julian as his little like…..sidekick like he just thought having this 11 year old kid around was hilarious. so julian went to LA and was living with his dad and his dad’s friends in a relatively nice apartment but like it’s always filled with people doing drugs and having sex and it’s just. not child friendly at all. so that’s how julian was introduced to weed at the ripe young age of 11!!! from there on out he was like a big time weed and cigarette smoker, was very early having sex and trying other drugs, and by the time he graduated high school he was already hardcore doing coke

so julian like kind of wanted to go to college bc some part of him did crave normalcy, but he was way too far up his own ass to get his shit together for that !! plus like….he didn’t rly have good role models. so his first year after high school instead of getting on a good path for his future he decided living his best life would include moving into an apartment with his cokehead best friend. it was around that time that julian met his first boyfriend. he was already totally aware he was bi, had slept with boys in high school, but this was the first time he rly fell in love with a guy. he was like……….head! over! heels! for this boy. julian met him at a club and he was like sort of soft and relatively innocent until they started dating and julian got him smoking weed and then snorting coke

this next part is very triggering so please read with caution !! when he was 23, julian tried heroin for the first time. for about 6 months it gradually got really bad, his life started spiraling, and his bf was like….becoming unable to deal with it, especially bc while julian was getting worse his bf was kind of trying to move in the opposite direction and get off the coke and get his life back together. there was a lot of fighting, but his bf kept not actually making the move to end things bc he loved julian and was just like hoping something would turn around. one night, however, in a moment of weakness, he let julian talk him into trying heroin with him. it was kind of an “i promise i’ll get clean if u try it with me this one time” thing. being in and out of consciousness and not really aware of what was going on, he didn’t notice that his bf was overdosing and he ended up dying simply bc the heroin was too much for his body and he stopped breathing. julian didn’t notice until the morning when he woke up, and obviously that was by far the most traumatic thing that’s ever happened to him and left some deep ass emotional scars

so following this, he actually did check himself into rehab. he was there for 3 months, got completely clean, but he only managed to stay that way for two weeks before he was first snorting heroin again and then back to shooting up and selling drugs

it was about 2 yrs later when he was 26 that he met his next bf while he was doing a deal at some seedy bar outside of town. they quickly fell into a completely unanticipated relationship–notably, julian’s first since his boyfriend’s death. in spite of that trauma and feeling guilty even as he did it, he started introducing this boyfriend to drugs. in his mind, it was kind of a thing where he fell in love really fast and really hard out of nowhere and he saw this sad little thing with no place to go and drugs are the only thing he’s ever known himself, so it was very natural to be like “here try this it helps” and also naively convincing himself he’d never let what happened before happen again

so 3 years later they’re living together and completely broke, living mostly off the money julian makes selling drugs and whatever else they can scrape up, when his bf decides he wants to do a road trip across the country. julian’s very impulsive, doesn’t really give a shit about anything in LA anyway, and to top it off has a hard time saying no to him. SO a road trip it is !! they make it all the way across the country before finally using up the last of their money and realizing they don’t have enough to get back

they stopped in north carolina for a while while julian saved up enough cash for them to at least get somewhere they liked better, which is how they wound up in baltimore !!

here their jeep completely broke down and julian sold it so that the money from that plus the money he made selling drugs they could put toward a deposit on an apartment

it’s in their heads to get back to la eventually, but baltimore is kind of their ~scene so julian’s in no hurry. he’s selling drugs again but they use a lot of what he’s supposed to sell so......they’re not going anywhere any time soon anyway ytseugukhej

PERSONALITY

so now that his lengthy as fuck background is over with………julian is an extremely EXTREMELY dry sarcastic person. the guilt over his bf has made him a hell of a lot worse, like his sense of humor is so so much darker than it was before that happened, but he’s honestly just a rly sarcastic person to begin with. he has some softness inside especially for people he rly cares abt, but you will not catch julian being sentimental or taking literally anything seriously unless you’ve managed to seriously worm your way into his heart

he’s not like a GRUMP tho at all he just….doesn’t take things seriously. he’s literally the embodiment of every bart simpson meme

“whatever my dude” is his aesthetic

he’s very careful about his drug dealing, he won’t go around talking about it or anything, he does it all under the radar as much as he can and especially having done it for so long now and having experienced a lot of traumatic crap, he’s pretty good at what he does and he won’t fuck with people he doesn’t trust

even when it’s warm it’s not totally unlikely to see him in long sleeves bc he has really bad track marks all over his arms from shooting up so much, especially in the early days when he was really bad at it

he absolutely will not talk about his past and if anything even close to it comes up in conversation he will skate right over that so qUICK ur head will spin

i think that’s IT FOR NOW if u made it this far i commend ur effort and attention span. im gna list some plots n stuff below ( beyond the song connections ) and hit me uP for some angst bc ya girl is here for the drama as usual

CONNECTION IDEAS

u can find song connections HERE

any and all drug related things !! people who buy from him ( especially weed, he’s a lot more lenient about to whom he sells weed as opposed to other stuff ), people he introduces to drugs, friends he actually does drugs with

he’s very dry and enigmatic but he’s also quite social so seriously give me friends for him. he’s high a LOT but not always and he likes being out doing stuff

definitely somebody or somebodies who don’t trust him and his drug addict bart simpson vibe please please give me people who don’t like him

along that same vein it takes a lot to get julian worked up and in fight mode bc he prefers to just let things roll off his shoulders but it would def be fun to have someone who gets him to that point

also somebody who?? maybe thinks they can “fix” him and genuinely does their best to try and persuade him to change his life and that it’s not too late to turn everything around ( this is basically the song connection medicine by daughter )

if ur muse is randomly from st louis missouri????? hit me up with a past connection from way back in julian’s childhood

also someone he went to high school with in LA if they’re from LA. this person would probably not be surprised at the way julian turned out ystefygdjhs

AND TL;DR BECAUSE THIS IS SO LONG

a drug addict and dealer who learned to take care of himself from an early age because of neglectful parents. got a boyfriend addicted to drugs and lost him to an overdose when he was in his early twenties, went to rehab, relapsed, met another bf years later with whom he decided to road trip across the country and got stuck in baltimore. dry, sarcastic, kind of a douche, epitome of every bart simpson meme, walking tragedy.

#soundintro #wow @ how much i ramble

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