Text wall incoming.

Happy New Years fan fam. We made it another trip around the sun. And some of those days were made of light and laughter, and some of them were gritted teeth and grief. But we made it. So it’s time to talk about what happens in a year.

What happens when the fundamental understanding of who you are and what you need as a person undergoes a seismic shift? When the edifice of all your understanding has been shaken to rubble around you, and you’re forced to finally reckon with the cracked foundations of who you are?

This was that year for me. To be clear, the buildup had been coming for a long, long time. The methodology I had used to construct my life was unsustainable at best, and deliberate self martyrdom at worst. And of course, this is where learning through the lens of fandom comes in. I have waxed (less than) poetic here before about how fictional media is the gestalt through which so many of us begin to process our trauma. The fulcrum that allows us to lift the weight of what we carry and look deeper into it. That fulcrum this year, for me, was Good Omens. More specifically, it was this glorious and beautiful fandom’s unflinching and enthusiastic willingness to take the narratives offered there and parse the deeper meanings within them. And what are those meanings? What lens has been provided that finally allowed me to see things within myself that desperately needed to be brought into the light of day?

It begins here. Self denial. The act of burying oneself and one’s deepest desires and fundamental needs beneath the asceticism of “I should have/be”. The heart of this for many of us, myself included, lies in religious upbringing that is further complicated by neurodivergence and queerness. What does that mean? It means that you start out at a remove from the rest of humanity. You do not speak the same language, you do not know the steps of this dance. You are a stranger in a strange land. When you compound that with the church informing you that you are a fundamentally broken and unworthy creature during all of your developmental years…well.

All of us need human connection. It is a fact of our biology and evolution to crave community and acceptance. So you begin to whittle yourself away. You nip and tuck and shave and hide everything that may stand in the way of communion. You accept that who you are fundamentally is unworthy of love. You take it into yourself and it becomes a core tenet of who you are. So the foundation is laid and you begin to build a life upon it. Which leads us to our protagonists.

Crowley has stepped away from the idea that you must be “perfect”. He accepts who he is, even as he still holds onto his anger for the rejection that this has caused. “Unforgivable, that’s what I am!” He says. He is hurt and he is furious, but he knows himself. He places the blame squarely where it belongs. With the institution that rejected him, not with his inability to fit into their narrow ideas of who he should be. He doesn’t play the self denial game or go in for martyrdom. He does what he has to do to get by and remains true to himself and his core beliefs. He continues to ask his questions without apology and he continues to seek truth and attempt to share that understanding with others. He decided the rules were shite, so he stopped playing by them.

Aziraphale. Oh Angel. Az as a character exemplifies self denial. He doesn’t fit in within the parameters of the institution, so he tries to make himself less so that he can belong. He ties his concept of self worth to that institution and his acceptance within it, all while knowing it is impossible for him to be accepted as he is. So he denies his own nature. His fundamental needs. He doesn’t sit comfortably within his own skin AT ALL. He is angry, but doesn’t allow himself to embrace it. He has the questions, but won’t ask them. He feels (and is) rejected, but doesn’t allow himself to acknowledge it. (As an aside here, we see this difference in how Crowley refers to himself as a former demon, but Az still refers to himself as an angel). So he doesn’t allow himself to feel, or to have the things that he wants and needs. He keeps thinking that if he sacrifices enough of himself, he will get the community and acceptance he longs for. In the end it leads him to lose the things and people he cares about most. And he hurts himself and them in the process. He is still trying to play by the shite rules.

What did I learn from this? Self denial and martyrdom ends in tragedy. In the end you hurt, not only yourself, but the people you care about. You cannot move through life paring yourself down to pieces for other people. Every time you remove a block from the foundation of who you are, in order to try and gain acceptance and community, you create a wound that doesn’t close. You are slowly bleeding out. When you don’t acknowledge the anger and the questions and your need to BE, those wounds fester. You wind up rejecting the people who want to care for you, even as you reject yourself in service of those who don’t deserve the care you’ve given them.

So. This was the year of realizing that I needed to stop playing by the shite rules. This was the year of realizing that my foundations needed rebuilt. This was the year of realizing that it’s ok for me to be angry and ask questions and realize that I am enough as I am. I don’t need to be less. I don’t need acceptance from people who want me to be less. All of the years I spent denying myself and prostrating myself on the altar of other’s expectations have gained me nothing. And strange as it may seem, I have one angel, one demon and an entire fandom to thank for that insight. Here’s to the next year friends. As @neil-gaiman says. Bravery. And joy.

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

Spotify wrapped is normally released on a November 30 or December 1 but this year it was released on November 29, the International Day of Solidarity with Palestinian People- a day which it was asked for people to increase their social media posts about Palestine to help call for a permanent ceasefire. Instead it is now being overshadowed by people posting about Spotify wrapped…

can't believe we're all adults being forced into the club penguin level of censorship in 2024

had a fucking hilarious dream that tumblr replaced the "block" function with the far funnier "glock" function, which did the exact same thing except whenever anyone blocked you a random bullet hole, like a png of a bullet hole, would appear on your blog. discourse blogs were unreadable bc you'd go to the page and the sheer amount of bullet hole pngs stacked over the blogs obscured everything. I woke myself up laughing

fucking hate how cats think they can mrrp their way out of anything because yeah, they fucking can.

Loving reminder from your land history auntie:

North American golf courses have had 50-100 years of arsenic and mercury based fungicide and herbicides applied to their soils.

Do not eat anything that has been grown on a golf course or downstream from a golf course. I know it sounds cool and radical, but you are too valuable to poison yourself with heavy metals.

Protect each other, turn your local golf course into a pollinator garden, not a sex forest or community garden.

imagine being someone at new rome university and not knowing percy is the same guy as “percy jackson, son of poseidon, two-time hero of olympus, former praetor” because the thought doesn’t even cross your mind. like… he’s percy. he’s a total frat boy. on a normal night, he walks into a party, refers to everyone as bro or dude, socializes with every living (and not-living) person in the room, makes at least 50 sarcastic comments, plays 12 rounds of beer pong, drinks way too much, and then skates around campus on his skateboard yelling “I LOVE NEW YORK” (which makes no sense, because they’re in california) until someone calls his girlfriend to come get him.

and then one day there’s an attack, and frat boy percy is all of a sudden a fighting machine. he’s yelling battle cries alongside the praetors frank zhang and hazel levesque as they lead everyone into battle. (why is he with the praetors? and why…. why in the world do the praetors seem to be following his lead?) his sword slashes through armies of monsters faster than you’ve ever seen. he’s controlling the entire river surrounding the camp, creating huge waves as tall as skyscrapers that crash down all around him, wiping out monsters and causing mass destruction to his enemies’ ranks. the sky is suddenly dark above you, ice-cold water droplets are slashing through the air, and the wind is blowing so aggressively that it’s making it hard to stand up steadily. because he’s somehow created a hurricane.

and he looks terrifying. you can feel the power radiating off of him. he’s like a god. or maybe a monster. it’s hard to tell. you’re a little scared of him, to be honest. but also in total awe, because it’s extraordinary. he’s extraordinary.

frat boy percy is not who you thought he was.

every image of a tawny frogmouth is perfection. i've never seen a single picture of a tawny that dissapoints.

nothing can break the bond between a friend who loves spoilers and a friend who just watched an amazing show and needs to tell someone the entire plot from start to finish

BTW... PSA.... even if we arent mutuals if youre in my notes regularly theres a Very high chance i am still fond of you. yes im vaguing someones tags on the compliment the person u rbed this from post. but like. positive vaguing? THE POINT IS im weird abt following ppl but IM STILL SENDING U FOND VIBES...

feels like a good time to bring this back

When you’re trynta be cool with your crush but she’s a freaking smokeshow 😩🪦

does anyone have like an anti aesthetic. like something you look at and can recognize as a complete fashion/interior design/artistic movement and understand it but it makes you shudder seeing it. i am not talking like “its morally bad” “its poorly structured” like just sheerly devoid of joy for you actually invites a repulse response.

hey could y'all do me a favour?

Reblog if you're okay with "weird" compliments on your stuff!

things like "biting this" and such

Really quick doodles of a few scenes from the stream yesterday. Including combat flirting taunting, gale’s magnificently distracting shoes and.. whatever you wanna call gale agreeing to give 15 gold to astarion 😐😑😐😑😐 (that’s me blinking)