sister who can teleport anywhere and has the hearing, smell, and appetite of a 180 pound german shepherd

@bottlehawk sorry i couldnt add this to the post or send it to you but i made this video for this post

overview

hello! this blog is an archive for essay posts related to homestuck, primarily coming from @applestorms but also reblogged from other people. if you intend to follow here, please therefore be aware that basically every post is going to be stupidly long and will likely only get longer depending on how far the replies go.

a directory will be created here in this pinned post once more essays have been written/reblogged here, but for now i leave you to fuck with the tumblr search function. i will typically tag all applestorms-related essays and/or responses w/ #astronaut rambles, but on this blog specifically characters, ideas, and philosophers focused on may also be mentioned. other people's essays may also be found under the #OPE tag, and non-homestuck related essays may be found under, crazy, #not homestuck.

hopefully this blog may grow into more of a formal archive of homestuck lore related posts as time goes on but we will have to wait and see! i know a lot of homestuck stuff is dead and/or deleted by this point, but i'll see what i can find (note: if you're looking for homestuck-related art archives, check out the @bottlehawk blog since they reblog a ton of classic stuff there). if you personally have essays you want stored on here for the sake of archival purposes, either from your own blog or someone else's, please feel free to send a link my way.

yaaayyy bottlehawk striders art queue day

ball out of left field

annotated visual diagram of the strilondes selfie taking habits

average alpha kids among us round

dave and rose vs dirk and roxy

my beta kids guardianswap au scribble-notes.

most toxic and problematic couple in paradox space

shame

Aranea maybe?

miss little fussyfangs. click for better resolution

the autism is essential

i had this fun early 2000's family comedy spy movie idea in my head where dirk is a super secret international spy who had kids with roxy when they were young (accident). roxy took the twins and now dirk lives with his buddy and spy partner jake out at some super secret hideout in the middle of nowhere. they're planning one of the biggest heists of the century when someone manages to trigger one of the alarms and infiltrate their base and they catch the intruder and it's dirk's 12 year old daughter, rose, who's doing a presentation on her family for school and wants to interview dirk so she can get an A+ for it.

meanwhile at home dave is freaking out because he's been dressing up and pretending to be rose for the past few days but the babysitter their mom hired after heading out on an important business trip is starting to get suspicious about the fact that dave and rose never seem to be in the same room...

yeah. rose would be one of those advanced college reading level genius kids who uses big fancy vocab words and is extremely smart and adjusts speedily in a scary way. she'd tag around dirk and jake in the base for a while as they try to figure out what to do with her and get involved in their heist and try to help out somehow. also there'd probably be some family drama moments between dirk and rose and all that. dave would be wearing one of those gamer boy middleschool tshirts in every scene and playing fake videogames on a xbox. simon pegg would appear at some point.

hanging out with rose and dirk is having two people constantly alternate between smugly infodumping on you and the other asking "oh? source?" and subsequently entering into a verbal game of battleship over your head with each pretending that they didn't get their information from a random 3 hour video essay they saw on youtube online

dirkjake betaverse divorced au strider family lore

sooo in this au roxy and dirk were both orphans who went through the foster system. roxy eventually got adopted by an okay family and got some support but dirk ended up being shuttled through a lot of different foster homes. they went to the same public high school and hooked up once and ended up accidentally having !!twins!! together really young. roxy decided to take dave and rose in at his parents' place while dirk applied for several scholarships so she could go to college early to get a bachelor's. for some reason they thought it would be a good idea if they raised their kids as younger siblings of roxy's. instead of. as their actual parents. which was a stupid idea in hindsight. so for like the first thirteen years of dave and rose's life dirk was like. a family friend that visited every once in a while who dave thought was super cool and rose thought was mildly disturbed. eventually they both found out the truth. and now dave gets to go visit dirk's flat in texas every summer while rose gets to use infinite guilt-trip material to get him to go to family therapy meetings together. also immediately after the reveal roxy and dirk also transitioned in the same year and rose came out as a lesbian and dirk came out as gay and is now dating some guy he met on the internet and also rose and dirk both found out they are autistic at their therapy meetings and dave is trying to be very very very very supportive of everyone while suppressing his homo-lust for a$ap rocky because if he comes out as bisexual that means that his entire family will then include every single letter in LGBT and if that happens he's going to have an actual implosion.