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writingcold · 5 months

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Welcome to Chapter Nine and Ten of Best Laid Plans

A/N: I know. Just trust me. I have said that it will have a happy ending. Just not yet.

This is a complete fiction - totally made up. I do not, nor will I ever know Jake or any member of GVF. That said, this story is mine. Please respect that.

Are you starting to understand the barrage of bullets that @takenbythemadness has taken while proofreading this thing for me? Yeah. Send her all your positive vibes and forehead kisses, please and thank you.

Content warnings: Language. Deep depression. Poor view of self. Poor mindset. Talk of adultery. Misogynic character. Verbal arguing. Divorce. Be ready for a big reveal. It hurts. It’s not horrible, but it hurts. Well... maybe a little horrible.

Word count: approx. 9500

Chapter 9: May, 1990: Jake POV

Life was a sham. My life was less than the frail mist that hung amongst the branches of the tree that I could see out my back window. I had sat for hours, the bottle between my fingers steadily grew lighter while my spirit grew atrophied and heavy. She was gone. Amanda carried everything out with her like she did not realize what she had taken from me. And I allowed it. Just like always.

I stirred against my better judgment. My vision was blurred and my body was full of ache. A familiar hum stuck my ear from the void beyond the couch that made me want to retreat into the bottle to hide my embarrassment.

“Dear lord, it moved,” Josh’s voice rumbled in my ears without humor, but it also lacked malice.

I coughed as I leaned forward, my fingers reaching for a bottle that was no longer on the table before me. I frowned as I realized that everything before me had been cleared away leaving only a tall glass of water. “How long have you been here?” I asked as I oozed back into the couch.

“Couple days. Henry called Ronnie…”

I grimaced as Josh ran through the line. I had forgotten my parents were in Hawaii for an extended vacation. I could just picture Ronnie pounding on my door, to which according to Josh, she wanted to kick my ass for not answering.

“But then, she got scared, so she used the key to find your nearly naked ass passed out about where you are now,” he explained with a shiver through his shoulders.

I scrunched up my face as the heat of embarrassment flooded my system. “Fuck,” I sighed as my innards started to jiggle in protest.

“So, she called me and I happened to have some time,” Josh remarked as he was swiping at the counter with a disgusted look. “Jesus, Jake, when was the last time you cleaned this kitchen?”

I could barely hold my head up as my mouth started to flood with spit.

“Anyway, I’ve been covering what I can at the shop. Sam got here yesterday and has been covering as well. He brought Danny with him, so between Danny and Henry, all your lessons are covered for a few more days. Dan’s heading out on tour, so we really need to get your ass back into your shop.”

My brain felt like toasted marshmallow and my mouth felt like it was filled with paste. Josh continued to clean, peeking into the oven to reveal the smell of food. He said that Ms. Ada sent a casserole - well, actually had sent many over. One for each day of this week. My stomach soured with the smell and produced a round of nasty burps that sent me flying to the bathroom. I retched everything out as if all the alcohol was fleeing my system by any means possible. I could hear Josh’s ramblings as I thought for sure my internal organs were next to exit my mouth. I was shit. I was lower than shit and did not deserve any kind of help in the matter.

“Let’s get you into a shower,” he said softly, pushing me by the shoulders to rest against the wall.

I had no fight left in me. I watched as he turned on the spray, holding his hand under the water just like our mom used to, even did the little toe tap as he waited. He ordered me to take off my rags and helped me over the ridge of the bathtub. The water was like an acid spray as it struck my skin like hot sandpaper. I sputtered and choked as I made a show of doing what he wanted me to do while he stood protectively at the edge of the tub. I pushed my face under, allowing the sensation of heat and clean to consume my ravaged skin. Josh, satisfied that I was not going to fall over like an idiot, walked away for a few minutes.

“This is clearly not about Georgia,” he said, returning with clothes to set on the vanity. “You danced a fucking jig when you signed those papers. What gives? I thought everything was going good.”

“I can’t talk about it,” I whispered, allowing the water to pour down and beat upon my back.

“Bull shit,” Josh remarked loudly. “The last time I saw you like this was with… god dammit. Please don’t tell me you did something stupid and Amanda is involved.”

The stab in my chest was brutal. I inhaled water and sputtered through a cough before regaining my senses. “You’ve been at the shop. Have you seen her next door?”

Josh stayed silent for a long time, leaving my guts to twist. “She stopped in yesterday afternoon with treats for us from the morning poetry reading.”

I rolled my eyes shut, fighting myself from asking if she inquired about me; wondered if she noticed my absence. Another strangled breath as I waited for more from him.

“I guess it makes some sense, now that I look at it,” Josh remarked coolly.

His words toiled in my belly as I heard him leave the bathroom for a few minutes. The sound of the closet door opening and drawers being forced to shut matched the cogs of my thoughts. He could not hide, however, the exasperated sound that he ground out in my room.

“You’re the reason that poor woman looks destroyed,” he said, his voice full of a hard edge. “Meg and Bugger thought it was because her husband was back in town...”

I kept completely still. I could feel it. The pieces were falling into place slowly, each clicking with a metallic click that I could feel happen for my twin.

“Fuck, no, Jake,” Josh growled, incredulous.

I shivered despite the heat of the water and steam all around me. “Go make a pot of coffee. I’ll tell you everything.”

I waited for him to argue with me right away. Instead, I realized that he actually listened to me. Finishing up my shower, I found that he had left a set of clean clothes for me on the vanity along with a new razor and shave cream. It did not take long to feel human again, though my innards begged to differ.

Josh had the hot dish waiting on the kitchen table and the coffee was just finished brewing. Just the smell of real subsistence made my body beg for respite. Josh gave me a double portion along with the biggest mug of coffee, smoking a cigarette while he waited as I ate. The food felt good in my belly, I could not lie.

“Okay,” Josh remarked as I pushed my near empty plate away. “Spill it. What the hell have you been up to and how are you going to fix it.”

“There is no fixing it,” I answered, feeling the exhaustion creep over me like a monster.

It started with a word. Her name. Amanda. Followed by another word, followed by another until it was all falling out of my mouth like a wave. Josh asked no questions, gave me no interruptions. Just sat and listened. When I felt my breath escape me as my shame rose, he waited. When my face turned red and my voice curled with anger, he leaned away, but did not stop me. He let me spill all of it onto the table between us like a demon that needed to be exorcized. When I finally collapsed back in my chair, a cigarette between my fingers and my mouth quiet, Josh let out a long, low whistle.

“Damn, Jake,” he whispered, his face full of emotions. “That’s more than… a lot.”

I rubbed a hand across my face. It was not all of it. I took a long, deep drag before stretching my neck. “And all of it is because of a lie.”

His brows furrowed as he picked up my dishes and moved to deposit them in the sink before refilling our cups. “How’s that?”

“Liam was not mine,” I whispered.

His face hardened. “What the hell, Jake. How is that true?”

“Georgia lied. She was already pregnant when we…” I refused to be crass, even if it was Josh.

“How do you know? Did she tell you?”

I shook my head as my words tripped over a sob. “She’d go off on these rants when she was really out of it. But I got the gist of it - she pretty much said I was not his dad.”

I felt the emotion swell and bubble until I couldn’t hold back the tears that pushed from the corners of my eyes. I swiped at them as Josh sat back down before me. His eyes were full of love and compassion as his hands reached for my shoulders.

“You are that little boy’s dad. Do you hear me?” he said, voice full of tears, the same as my own. “You loved him. We all did. We all wanted him to stay. Jake, I’ve never seen you so full of life as I had when I saw you holding him. Your boy.”

I was nodding as we cried together. My heart wept daily for Liam. Just because he was not of me did not mean he was not mine. I knew this. It was a burden that was carried for so long already. To be able to share the burden with Josh was a relief.

“Do you think Mandy will leave her husband?” he asked after a long silence.

I shrugged. The beauty of my previous week lay as toxic sludge in my chest. For her to walk out, I understood. It took me a while to figure it out - she was leaving me so as not to allow Roger the satisfaction of throwing me into her face. If she left him, she could have no mar to find that would allow him to have an advantage. I got it. I understood it. But goddamn to have our brief time twisted into something wrong shoved me into a hole that I was struggling to climb out of.

Josh folded his arms with a troubled look. “It won’t be an instant remedy, Jake. If Mandy leaves her husband, their assets are more than what you and Georgia contended with. Roger doesn’t seem like the kind of man that is going to be amicable no matter what situation he was caught in. Mandy could lose her Sparrow.”

I felt the line of my mouth harden as my teeth mashed together. “Motherfucker,” I grumbled. “I didn’t think about it. Fuck.”

Josh’s expression told me he was already miles ahead of me. He began to tap the table with thought. “You’re going to have to keep your distance, Jake. For her. During all of this - you’re going to have to keep your distance.”

I kept my mouth shut for I knew something stupid would fall out if I said anything. All I could do was shake my head ‘no’. My teeth buried themself into my lip as if I was an angry toddler ready to drop a fit.

“I mean it. You keep your distance.”

I was back to the shop the next morning, my shell back in place despite it feeling like it was two sizes too big. Bugger was on shift, his eyes watching me like I was going to either explode or evaporate into the fog. I had closed myself into one of the practice rooms with one of the new acoustics that we had gotten in to give it a spin. I heard movement on the other side of the shared wall. I imagined that it was Mandy, setting up for the Tuesday brunch crew. I smiled as I landed on “It Hurt Me Too” by Hound Dog Taylor, my fingers digging into the frets in hopes that she would hear me. I added in all my loud flourishes and soft touches until drawing into “These Arms of Mine”. I just needed her to know we were okay. That we would survive.

I was in my office when I heard the buzz of the door chime and Bugger’s voice flowing through the shop. I stood up when I realized it was not just a customer that he was talking to. Stepping beyond my door to find Mandy handing him the leftover treats from her group with a shy smile made my chest tighten. Josh was right, she was not out in the world like everything was fine. She had not noticed that I was there, so I took the time to collect myself and keep Josh’s sentiment of keeping my distance in my thoughts.

“Glad to see you back, Jake,” she said with a wave. “Feeling better?”

I nodded, playing along. “Yeah. Much better.”

“Josh stopped in earlier on his way out to your parents,” she replied as she watched Bugger make off with double brownies, chocolate chip cookies and Bailey bars. “It was nice to get a chance to catch up with him. Sounds like he’s got a huge project coming up.”

She was keeping to safe talk, though her eyes kept traveling to mine with a threat of tears. I wanted to reach out to her. I wanted to tug her into my office and hold her until it was better for us both. I could only hope that she could see the broken heart that was within me. We continued to chat for moments only before I saw the quiver in her lip. I sucked in a breath knowing that I was about to lose my composure.

“I’ve got a call I need to get to,” I said, glancing back to wherever Bugger had dragged the food away to. “Are we up for coffee tomorrow?”

She swallowed and nodded. “See you before open?”

“I’ll be there.”

Routine was my saving grace in my life with Georgia. It could be once again through whatever the hell it was that we had moved into between me and Mandy. I could set a routine and keep to it if it meant that we could share a space. If we could share a love.

Amanda POV

When I left Jake’s house, I made it to the bottom stair of my building before I had to sit down. It was like all my breath, all my blood, all my fight had been leached out of my skin. I left my entire being with him in hopes that he would use it to keep himself strong. I left nothing for myself. My body was racked with sobs so painful I thought for sure I would disappear into the ground.

Instead, my cries softened. My pain sunk deep within. A single word stuck me - yet. I could not be Jake’s - yet. I could not openly love him - yet. I could not show the strength that he imbibed into my flesh over the week - yet. I tucked the three letter word into my spirit and branded it in my mind. Something so small could be just the armor that I was going to need for the fight that was to come.

Monday morning thankfully was quiet. In the evening, over a lovely cup of tea, I started to put all of Roger's clothes, neatly folded, into a large shipping box. His personal items, the bank and credit cards, all the important papers between us went into the singular box. I took down all the pictures of him and us together and emptied out the frames, leaving the photos on the table. I scoured the apartment, erasing any evidence of Jake’s presence from both the physical space and myself. I hid away my feelings - both the hurt and the love.

Though I was half of myself, I forced myself to move. I forced myself to do what I expected of myself. I was in the shop for each group and customer. I presented my smile and professional self, all the while, my spirit was weeping. I noticed that Jake was not next door. My concern, however, had to be buried with everything else.

Thursday rolled around. The morning’s poetry reading thankfully went quietly. I took the leftover danish into Martin’s, moreso as a way to see Jake, but to my surprise, Josh was manning the counter. I caught sight of Mr. Henry in one of the practice rooms with a client.

“Amanda,” Josh said warmly as Bugger practically ran him over to grab the tray I held. “It’s good to see you.”

“I - I’m sorry, Josh. I wasn’t expecting you to be here,” I said, my eyes scanning for any sign of Jake.

“That’s okay. Jake’s been sick,” he said quickly, his hand coming down on my arm with a comforting pat.

I could not hide the urgency in my body as his words stuck my ears. “He’s okay, right? I mean, nothing serious?”

“Just a bad bug. I’ll have him back on his feet soon,” he said with a flash of a smile. “You doing all right there?”

“Oh,” I squeaked out. “Yeah. Just. Rough day. I better get back.”

At that point, I notice that both Bugger and Meg are watching me from the counter. I waved and headed out, hoping to god to regain my composure. Jake. Sick. It had put a crack into my composure. I needed to fill it with concrete. I needed to shut off the worry and just…

When I returned to the shop, I noticed that Mick was looking confused at the counter. “You all right?”

He nodded as he cleared his throat. “Uh, Roger just told me that you are head upstairs.”

“Mick,” I said, moving directly in front of him, “what did he say exactly?”

He grew even more uncomfortable, unable to meet my eyes. “He told me to tell that bitch to get her fat ass upstairs.”

Involuntarily, my lips rolled between my teeth. The embarrassment on the man’s face was hurtful. I reached out and touched his arm, just a brush of fingers. “Thank you. I’m sorry he did that.”

“I don’t think you should go. He was really angry,” he said quietly.

I nod before I place one pat on the counter between us. “It’ll be fine. Really.”

I did not allow the blaze of my anger show as I smiled and headed for the back door. I took a moment to notice that at least no one else was in the shop to hear what was to come. I walked the steps, noticing that the door was ajar. He had found what I had done. I could hear movement, but could not discern what he was doing. One more breath. One more thought of…

I pushed the door open to find that he was pulling everything out of the box that I had so neatly packed for him. His eyes flashed at me with absolute fury. I leaned against the doorframe with no intent of closing the door.

“What the fuck is this, Amanda?” he raged, digging out his clothes.

“Your things. I got them ready to go to your home. Your home with Lydia,” I said, keeping my tone level and calm.

He straightened. His eyes darkened with threat. “Get in here and close the damn door.”

“No,” I said, making sure to keep my body still. “I should tell you that my employee downstairs will be contacting the sheriff’s office if this gets out of control.”

It was not a lie. The way I left Mick, I knew that he would be on alert. I realized that I felt strong. I felt strong in this man’s presence that had made me feel like I was only part of his shadow. I folded my arms across my chest and decided to remain right where I was.

“This is ridiculous. Get in here and get my shit back to where it belongs,” he said sharply.

“No. You will be removing your stuff and getting out of my apartment. You are not welcomed here.”

A flash of memory. A flash of Jake and I laughing across the kitchen table that all of his stuff was cluttering up. A warmth filled me like I was finally moving in the direction I was always supposed to be moving in. I just needed to trudge through this maze, this obstacle course that was stretching out before me and Jake would be waiting for me on the other side. The prize that I so dearly wanted.

“If you think you can leave me -”

“I’ve contacted a lawyer, Roger. This - this bull shit of a marriage is over. I’m done.”

“You can’t be serious. Mandy - that girl you talked to was lying. I don’t know this - “

“I’m not an idiot, Roger. I will not be treated that way. Not by you, not by anyone. You have made it abundantly clear that you hate it here. You don’t like my shop. You don’t like my life being here. This is where I am and where I need to be. I’m done. I’m done with you playing my husband for thirty days of the year.”

His mouth twisted as he stared at me. “So I’m right, then. You’re already fucking someone else.”

“No. Not that it matters, Roger. You have never been faithful. Our entire marriage-”

“I’m a man. I’m on the road. I have needs, Amanda.”

“You had a wife at home to provide for those needs. You chose to do otherwise. You chose this path. And I’m done walking it.”

“Don’t think that I’m going to make this easy.”

I shrugged.

“Don’t think I won’t take this place from you, you bitch. When I’m done, you’ll have nothing.”

I shrugged. It wasn’t my job to make him aware that it was not mine. It was in a family trust that belonged to my family. Protected. I had scoffed when my father suggested this step, and then my lawyer backed it up. I thought it was an unnecessary step. And yet, I did it because a tiny voice said what would be the harm of taking that advice. What wasn’t protected, I was quickly finding I did not care. My lack of emotional response only infuriated him more. I forced myself to keep cool. I continued to keep my distance. Little snippets of my interlude with Jake played behind my eyelids. The loud laughter, the softest of touches. It was like he refueled my skin, and recast my armor. I could do this. I could survive this fire that the man before me would cause.

But then I returned to the minutes before. Jake was sick. My heart constricted as I silently watched Roger shove the items removed back into the box carelessly. I offered to ship the box wherever he needed me to, to which he just glared at me. I was going to have to have a long conversation with my parents. I was going to have to talk with my sisters. My brain was making lists of what I needed to do, and yet, my heart wanted nothing more than to go to Jake.

Roger nearly threw the box over the railing as he huffed down the stairs. I followed at a distance. Before he could open the backdoor to the store, I stopped him.

“The key. I will be needing that key back,” I said, keeping my voice void of feeling.

I watched as he yanked the keys from his pocket and threw them at me with intent. I let them fly past and he bumbled through the store. Poor Mick was standing with a customer in the mystery section, his face blanching of color. I caught his eye before I went behind the counter to fetch the yellow pages. A quick call to Mr. Peterson, and I was on the schedule to have all the locks of the building changed before the end of store hours.

I was on my way. I had finally been strong enough to take those steps that would allow me to grow my broken wings back. I apologized to the two pairs of eyes that watched me before I excused myself with the promise to be back after lunch. I grabbed the discarded keys on my way back into the apartment. I closed the door behind me to just take a moment to digest what I had done. Echoes of Jake continued to pull me through the minutes bobbing through the wake of Roger’s departure. The memory of him shoving the couch to the side so we could dance stupidly and fall against each other in a moment of heat and passion made me calm.

I put the kettle on with a smile. I breathed out an embarrassed laugh as the next thought struck: Jake setting us up with coffee and pancakes when I had been so thoroughly fucked into the matress that I couldn’t move without laughing hysterically. Yeah, he had been proud of himself that morning. He was humming Cheap Trick and the swagger was oh so real.

Friday arrived and life continued. Jake was still not in his shop, but neither was Josh. Mr. Henry waved and accepted the coffee that I had brought. Sam waved from behind the counter as he was talking with Bugger. Sparrow was busy that day and just when I thought it wouldn’t get busier, it did. It was all right though - it made the day go that much quicker.

Saturday morning there was a tap on my door, well before it was time for the store to open. I was surprised to find Josh on my stoop, waiting with a warmth plastered to his mouth and concern etched in his eyes.

“I brought breakfast,” he said, holding up a little pastry bag from Blaine’s. “Do you have a few minutes to talk?”

“I happen to have coffee, come on in,” I said after a few beats. “You’ll have to excuse my mess… Been a little crazy around here.”

He barely glanced around as he took the seat at the table I pointed to. “It’s quite lovely up here isn’t it? It’s very calming.” He paused, his eyes tracing over the shared wall of Martin’s Music. His eyes rolled closed as he chuckled. “Probably not so calming when there’s a band up here though, is it?”

“Your brother is very strict about the schedule. Of course, that didn’t happen until I threatened to kick his ass after the first time I was in here with some garage band with way too loud amps and way too late,” I laughed as I sat down with him. “Of course, he might have just been afraid of the Siouxsie Sioux t-shirt and bed head.”

I was graced by one of his infamous belly laughs that set the air between us to a comfortable level. He set out fresh apple turnovers before me with a grin. The fact that he remembered warmed me. We had had breakfast way before I left for college and the three of us just about turned ourselves inside out on these down at the diner. I believe we cleared the case and Cindy just obliged to keep them out of her own mouth. He took the first bite, letting out a groan of delight.

“Lord, I’d be like three hundred pounds if I still lived here,” he complained through a mouthful of apple.

“Well, there is a reason why these are only available once a week now,” I pointed out. I took my own bite and breathed through the amazingness of the pastry. I knew he was stalling. Totally not a Josh move. A sip of coffee, a bite into my lip and I sat back in my chair. “Is he okay?”

He shrugged. “He’s not sick. I’m sorry I lied, but it’s our cover story.”

“I thought as much.” But that was a lie. I was scared. Jake never missed a day. “Well. I had hoped, really.”

He gave me a sideways stretch of a smile. “I’m worried, that’s why I’m here. There’s only two people that put my brother into this kind of tailspin - Liam and you.

“I had to watch him fall apart with Liam. He had made so many sacrifices for him, Mandy. He had lost so much weight I was afraid that he was going to be ill in the worst way. He was giving her everything and it didn’t make a difference. But you -”

He was shaking his head as he pushed himself back from the table. “There are only two people that he would literally bend himself inside out to protect. Do you understand that? Two. I’m worried that you are walking a road that is going to be torture for him to have to watch. Do you understand me?”

“What did he do?” I whispered the words, knowing that Jake had tripped into a hole because of me. Because of my words and actions.

The hesitation returned. I watched him swallow down a gulp of coffee. “He will be fine, Mandy, that’s what is important. I’m not going to lie though, he’s fragile. He was finally beginning to stand on his own - truly on his own, just taking care of himself after the divorce. It’s been good.”

My heart tripped. My spirit faltered. I knew what he was asking of me before he got to the words. I was going to have to get through this trial without Jake. I released a burning breath as I hid behind an interested gaze.

“I am worried. You see where I’m going with this, Mandy?”

I nodded. “I was trying to figure out how… I mean. His friendship has been so very important. I don’t think I can move through this without it.”

“I am not saying to disregard him completely. But he needs to heal more - on his own. Just as you are going to need to, as well. There may be a day where it is possible,” he said with a nod. “You two seem to always find each other. It just may not be in the manner than you think.”

My lips rolled into my mouth as I stifled a sob. Josh was sure that we were wrong to be together. He reached out and laid a hand on my arm. A touch that was meant to be reassuring, comforting. And it burned like hell. I chewed the inside of my cheek as I fought again saying anything. I knew he was right. He was so damn right about it all. I had had my chance. Jake had…

“Accept it for what it can be, Amanda.” Josh stood up, his touch still heavy on my arm. “Friendship is about the only thing that is fine between you at this point. Accept it.”

I watched as he left, leaving my heart in shreds. In less than thirty minutes, he had taken every stitch of strength that Jake had given me. I breathed into my empty apartment. I was going to have to do this without Jake.

Chapter 10: September, 1990: Jake POV

My precious week with Mandy had been erased. I would wake each morning haunted by the love that we had shared. My heart would bleed out as I tried to stuff it back into my chest so that I could carry on without her as a normal human being. I had survived the summer tourist season. We had fallen back into our routine - I would meet her for morning coffee. I would keep to safe talk, topics ranging from her book readings to my sponsoring the summer concerts in the park on Thursday nights. With the Autumn Street Fair approaching, I worked on the committee to help plan and organize the event just like I had in years past. This time, with the addition of Mandy, our time worn event got some fresh perspective.

Josh pretty much ordered me to go out and date. Jeanette, the sweet soul that she is, had called to invite me to dinner, but I just couldn’t. I wasn’t shutting myself away. My wounds were too deep to find anything but a false smile. So, like when I was surviving my time in my marriage, and after the divorce, I fell into routine. I woke, I worked, I slept. It took three months just to be able to go out for beers with Bugger and Meg. I pretended that my time that I had felt the most free never happened. I pretended that Mandy did not reside under my skin and within my very being. And it was killing me to have to watch her struggle.

I could hear the frustration she was living through. Roger was making her life hell, fighting the divorce every step of the way. She had grounds of infidelity. She had grounds of neglect. But apparently Roger was able to procure a better lawyer who was making every day a nightmare for her. She admitted to feeling like her every move was being watched. She was convinced that Roger’s lawyer had someone watching to record any interaction with friends, family - men, women, it did not matter.

By the first of October, I had begun to feel strong enough that I could stand in Mandy’s presence and still be okay. I started to go out with Henry and Ada, Ronnie and her husband, David. I was like the kid who was just learning how to roller skate - holding onto the wall for dear life because I was afraid to fall on my ass - again. I started meeting for beers with a few of the soccer dads a couple of times a month. Before I knew it, the holidays were storming through in the typical chaotic manner. Josh and I were having a drink at Miller’s when Jeanette was walking in with a group of friends. It was not lost on my twin that she had once again caught my attention.

By the end of February we were dating fairly regularly - once again, not exclusive. And it was enough. I felt like I was returning to that person that I could be while I watched Mandy grow thin and weary of her situation. I did all I could while remaining at my distance, to support her, to love her.

Jeanette was kind. Josh pointed out in our phone calls that I needed to ‘do right by that woman and make it serious’, but in truth, she was setting our boundaries. I know. I know, but it’s true. She was on the same plane as my own, broken by experience and unsure if she really wanted to share that deeply with anyone. So really, we were each other’s support system. A way to have that human contact and interaction without the intense emotional tethers that were required for a serious relationship. And it was better than trying to shack up with Tessa again. That woman… just no.

We survived the rest of winter and the spring thaw without too much drama. Jeanette and I were spending weekends away after discovering that we actually traveled together very well. I felt healthy.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to see you right now, Georgia,” I had said, trying not to let my impatience show as I shuffled papers across my office desk as a way to keep my hands busy.

Georgia had called out of the blue. It had been years since I had heard her voice and I was fine with that. I had moved on from what we had and healed, mostly, from our time together. My hands came to a full stop when she fell silent and I found myself listening to her breathing across the receiver for a long moment before she continued.

“I know you’ve heard this from me - many times, Jake,” she said, her tone even and present. “I’m trying. Really trying. I’ve been sober a full fifteen months this time. I’ve been trying to… I’m trying to really do it this time.”

I rolled my eyes to the ceiling. This was the same conversation that I had heard too many times before. The only difference was that the hurt that once had been attached to her words was absent. I blew out a long breath and was shaking my head like she could see my answer across the phone.

“Jake, I need to make amends,” she whispered. “There are things that I need to say to you - for you to hear from me. You owe me nothing, and I get that. I do. But I think if I allow myself to just-”

“Allow yourself? Do you hear yourself right now? How absolutely selfish that sounds, Georgia?” I let the words go before I thought them through. I was once again buying into her game and I needed to just stop.

“Sorry. Sorry. Really. I don’t mean to sound selfish.” I could hear the tears in her voice and I forced myself to soften. “Please. Just give me a half hour of your time. It will be good for both of us, Jake. Please? I can meet you after your soccer practice at the park. You still do that, right?”

June first and I had my team running their asses off up and down that field starting at eight in the morning. Each and every one of those kids loved it, too. I had brought out the big box, booming music across the grass. I let them pick the day’s band and I supplied the tunes. I noticed Georgia waiting at the edge of the field. She was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, looking too thin as her blonde hair fluttered in the wind. I could have been kind and wrapped up practice on time, but the kids were having too much fun, so I let it run over by nearly twenty minutes. The parents were joining in at the end, their smiles wide as they bounced around with their children.

To my surprise, she waited until after I had cleaned everything up and packed the car before she moved towards me. Her dark eyes were clear and healthy. Her smile was honest.

“Thank you for seeing me, Jake,” she started, her voice even and strong.

I nodded once, my guard up and locked tight.

“Do you want to walk, or sit, or…” she laughed nervously.

“Just say what you need to, please,” I said as I folded my arms across my chest, wary of what was to come.

“Right to it, then,” she said, hands sliding into her pockets as she let out a nervous laugh. “I wronged you from the start. I know this is going to be hard to hear, but Liam…”

I swallowed hard. My eyes flattened as I looked at her. “If you’re going to tell me that Liam was not my son, Georgia, I already know.”

She flinched. “When did you know?”

“I don’t know - maybe I started believing it after one of the several dozen times you begged for his ‘real daddy to stay’, or if his ‘daddy was a better man he would’ve stayed’?” I did not attempt to hide the heat of anger that was spiking in my brain.

“If things would have been different… If he was still here,” she was struggling, faltering across her words like the only thing that could save her was a drink. I knew it. I knew that stammer and that look of need too well. I slowed down, she did not need to be provoked. “If he was still here, Jake, you would’ve been his daddy no matter what. You would’ve loved him-”

“I love him still, Georgia!” I shouted, all my venom leaking through my mouth with bitter accuracy. “I was there in the hospital. I held him. I touched him and sang to him every moment that he was with us. He’s with me every day. Every day! Do you hear me? I talk to him, sing with him. My son. No matter what.”

She wiped at her face. I wiped at mine. The rage was not simmering down as it normally would. It pulsed through my veins at a dangerous pace. I needed to walk away. I needed to just be rid of her presence.

“If that’s all you have to say, I’ve got to go,” I said, digging in my pocket for my keys.

“Jake, stay,” she said through her jagged breaths. “That's not all.”

“The fuck,” I growled, unable to hide my emotions.

I watched as she shored herself up while I felt my whole foundation begin to crumble beneath my feet. Her eyes turned to the ground for a long moment like she was gathering her words.

“I listened to you talk about your Amanda all that night,” she said quietly. Too stunned, I found my chin sliding forward so my ears could hear better. “How in love you were. How good of a man you were. I knew I was pregnant. What you all didn’t see was I was in full panic that whole night. Clint had left me the day before once he knew about the baby. I knew I couldn’t do this alone.”

She paused. I felt like all my air was being wrung from my lungs as I tried to keep my focus.

“I knew you would be the kind of man to take responsibility, Jake,” Georgia said, her voice warbling across each syllable. “I watched you leave the party. You had had too much to drink. I made sure of it. I helped you out of your clothes and got you into bed. We never had sex, though. You blacked out. It was so easy to make you think otherwise.”

Shock would not begin to explain what happened in my system in that moment. My world gave way as my knees buckled beneath my weight. A sound emitted from my gut that came close to the pain of losing Liam. It was a sound that carried the loss of a life that should have been. It carried every ounce of dreams and hopes and wishes for a life that was concrete and real and full of love and possibilities. A life with Amanda.

Georgia knelt down beside me and my broken frame. She tucked her hands in her lap. There was shame and remorse etched across her breath for what she had done. We cried together, but for different reasons.

“Jake, to say I’m sorry is not enough,” she whispered, her back bending because of the pain she had caused. “There is no excuse other than the fact it came from a place of absolute fear. I was so desperate-”

“You fucking took my life,” I mumbled. I stared at a blade of grass as my brain tried to clutch at the devastation that had been put upon me. “You didn’t just do this to me. You did this to her. You did this to hurt her. And I was faithful. You made me believe that I hurt her. That I fucking broke our relationship. I…”

The breeze against my flaming skin did little to cool me. Georgia sat with me as I tried to put two words together that would make a lick of sense, to make what she did okay. But it was so wrong. All of it. Quiet tears leaked from the corners of my eyes and I could hear her beside me stifling sniffles. My eyes shifted to her, honing in on the guilt that bubbled from every pore of her. There was no fix. There was no repair that could ever return me to my path that should have been.

“I don’t ever want to see you again,” I whispered, my voice void of me. “Do not call. Do not come back here - at all. If you were looking for forgiveness-”

“I was not looking for forgiveness,” she said, her voice quivering. “I was only looking to give you a truth that has tortured me for all this time. Maybe give you back a piece of you that you thought I had ruined. This is the amends that I extend to you, Jake. Somehow a way to forgive yourself. To-”

“You didn’t just ruin me. You obliterated everything. How is that giving me back anything?”

She blew out a soft breath. “I said that wrong. What I mean was that you were always a good man, Jake. You were always good. I know what you thought you had done to Amanda, how you thought you had broken her trust…” She let out a fractured sob as she shook her head. “You were always hers. Mine sometimes. But you were always hers, Jacob.”

I watched as she stood. My body fought against my wish to rise up with her but I did. I held my arms out to her. It was not forgiveness. It was acceptance. I hugged her for a moment before letting her go. I moved my feet towards my car and did not look back at her. That book was closed. It will stay closed this time.

Amanda POV

If I thought that I was lonely before, I was sorely wrong. The absolute isolation was crippling as I began my filing for divorce. My lawyer, Mr. Upton, was very good, very empathetic. But Roger’s lawyer, Mr. Roburn, was more expensive with more resources at his disposal. Sparrow, of course, became the first point of contention. Roburn argued that it was my original plan to leave Roger, hence my reasons for placing my store into a trust. Mr. Upton, utilizing all fiscal records and legal precedence, that regardless of reasoning, the shop did not belong to me, but to my family and was not a joint asset as Roger had assumed. Of course, then it was argued that I had used my husband’s money for the down payment of the building…

Back and forth. East and West. Round the circle once more. Roburn’s whole strategy was to wear me down. Mr. Upton, on the other hand, stayed in step with the correct argument that kept me protected and Sparrow in my hands. Then came the implications that I had been unfaithful. Pictures were presented of me having coffee with Jake, along with Mick and Robin, Bugger and Meg. It was totally innocent of course, but it led to other pictures where I was talking just with Jake. That was an uncomfortable conversation with Mr. Upton - one where I was not truthful.

Jake was called into a deposition by Mr. Roburn, to which it was suggested, as well as pictures shown, that I had an ongoing relationship with him. Jake explained that we had had a relationship over the summer of 1981 and that we were merely close friends. He then pointed out that the pictures that were showing just me and him talking were actually just a zoomed in photo of the previous ones, in his music shop with plenty of others present.

He had become distant. It was fine. It was enough that I could still share a space with him as I struggled my way through my day to day. The nights were hard. Too often, I tried to manifest him to be with me. Be in my bed holding onto me so that I might not fly apart. But he never came to me.

I retreated. It was all I could do. I kept my social circle to my family only. My parents were beside themselves and were absolutely stunned as my dirty laundry was being dragged out for everyone to see. They let me cry about it behind their closed doors, though. I came to realize that it was not just me that was the topic of Frankenmuth’s hot gossip tongues, but my family as well. It was gross and wrong, but I had to just keep my head up and live through it. I had done nothing wrong to warrant such loose tongues.

As the weeks passed, I watched from the sidelines how Jake healed and returned to his life. It was nice to just be friends again, to talk and laugh. It hurt when I was out at the farmer’s market with Jenni and her little boy and I saw him with Jeanette Williams. He did not see me. His whole attention was on her. At first I was anxious, my skin feeling like it had been stomped on. But then… I stilled and watched as he smiled at her. Really smiled. His whole body was relaxed and at peace. And it was not because of me or my presence. Jeanette had been in Ronnie’s class in school. She always had a reputation of just being kind. I knew she had always been well liked. Perhaps it was something that nurtured him in his time of need without me…

What a selfish thought it was and I knew it the moment that it struck. I tried to move away. To allow my nephew to tug me towards the homemade candy, but I chanced a glance back to see what had been there a year before - happy. Jake was happy. There was no denying what I saw because it was so lovely to see.

The months lingered on like the calendar refused to shed its days and weeks in a timely manner. It hurt. Everyday there would be a call regarding this or that from Mr. Upton. I watched as those around me seemed to move with such life. With such pleasure. I was rooted to my spot. Not allowed to drift amongst the stars or through the leaves that scattered across my path. It was truly the first time that I had no idea what my tread would look like when I emerged from this blackened tunnel that I had found myself wandering through.

My Sparrow was my salvation. No matter what - she was there providing my steady company and sure footed companion that continued to grow and evolve and bear fruit under my care. I could hide amongst her books and hold up new ideas that would take on a life of their own for those who entertained such fancy things as the offerings of a soon to be divorcee’s book shop.

Yeah. The opinion I entertained of myself was pretty low. I was not coping well with all the punishing gut punches that the divorce was dishing to me. It was not like I was asking for anything other than for my marriage to be over. I did not want his money. Roger was very, very comfortable. He worked hard to be so comfortable. I did not deny that. I had worked excruciating hours at Franklin and done well, myself. I did not care that a portion of my funds were still residing in our joint accounts. I would have gladly given him it all just to walk away. During mediations, I even blurted out the fact that I wanted nothing. I questioned why he was dragging his feet on the matter. He had another woman. He had not one, but two kids with her. In the wake of the silence that followed, I excused myself with the last bit of what he had done to my body against my own wishes. Was that not enough to wish to escape that marriage?

August of 1991 was hot. It was the kind of hot where you would shower, towel off and be wet before you reached the bathroom door. It was gross and sticky and smelly and I was wishing for the weather to break. The thunderstorms were coming like crazy, but as soon as one would bring relief, another cycle would start up. The a/c in Sparrow was down. I sent Mick and Robin home and hung a sign that we were too hot to function. I had to wait a few days before I could get anyone out to actually look at the unit. I stayed in the hotel at the other end of the street as the apartment was like a twenty four hour sauna. I watched as my precious books were beginning to buckle under the humidity. I had to invest in a window unit just to keep the moisture from ruining my stock.

It was one of those weeks where I had not heard from Mr. Upton. I was not sure if that was a good thing or not. Perhaps it was too hot in Detroit, too, and he decided to distance himself for a respite from my idiot case. The 14th found me on the phone once again with my a/c man in hopes that he would be there before the end of the day. I had just crossed my fingers when the chime on my door rang out admitting Mr. Upton.

I watched quietly as he pulled a large manilla envelope from his briefcase and held it out for me. “You asked for nothing but the dissolution of your marriage. He has finally given it to you.”

The relief that rushed across my body left me breathless. Sparrow was safe in my care. I asked for nothing and nothing was given. I carefully opened the sheath of papers and took the extended pen from Mr. Upton. His kind eyes met mine for the briefest of moments before he began to point to each spot that required my signature, explaining each passage with a patience that exuded a comfort. On the last page, the moment swelled. I stared at Roger’s huge, elaborate strokes across the heavy paper. He had relented. I licked at my lips before I leaned over once more and slowly scratched my name into the paper that would untie the chain that had kept me locked in place.

I shook the man’s hand and watched as he loosened his tie before leaving the shop. I looked around and absorbed the stillness. I may have wiped a tear or two away. My gut told me to go next door and tell Jake. But my spirit told me to stop. Take in the stillness a little longer. I sat down at one of the cafe tables and just breathed. I allowed my chest to rise and fall uninhibited. I was free.

Instead of telling anyone in the family, I called Mick, followed by Robin. They agreed to take care of the shop and make sure the a/c repair was finished and assure them the bill would be paid upon arrival. I walked up the steps to my apartment and found my bag. Within thirty minutes, I had packed a few outfits and everything that I would need. I jumped in my car and I left Frankenmuth - alone.

I drove. I took breaks at rest stops. I stayed in shitty motels. I had called my parents from some town west of Toronto and assured them that I was fine. I just needed out for a few days. It was the most impulsive thing I’ve ever done, but I drove all the way to Maine, finding a little cottage motel that I stayed in for three days, right on the ocean. It was like all the heat, all the damage, all the injury was relieved. I walked the beach. I drank the sea breeze and fed on the wildness of the landscape. I landed in the bar and got picked up by a very attractive man who said he was on his way out to sea. Didn’t matter if it was true or not. He fucked me sideways and made me cum hard for two damn days.

I celebrated myself for twelve days. I took my time getting home, taking in the first hints of the autumn as I was passing through Pennsylvania. When I got home, I relished it. My parents welcomed me, my sisters laughed with me. It was two days since my arrival back and I dared to walk into Martin’s to find Jake. I knew he had heard the news the moment he looked at me. His smile welcomed me into a hug that my body had been screaming for for months on end.

And he held on. I was sure Bugger and Meg were drifting away from just being uncomfortable, but I didn’t care. I breathed him in and let him hold me while my trials over the past year settled into my bones and across my flesh. It was a victory. It was a victory worth savoring. As he let me go though, I knew I wasn’t ready. I looked into his face and it was a whispered agreement. A ‘maybe’, but not yet.

I’ll see you next Wednesday. 💚

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writingcold · 5 months

Text

Welcome to Chapter Eleven and Twelve of Best Laid Plans

A/N: We’re nearing the finish of this sad little story, and getting closer to that happy ending. I appreciate everyone that has taken a bit of their time to read this one. Amanda and Jake are important to me. It’s been a story that came together so naturally and I hope that even though they experience so much heartbreak, that perhaps you can see the good bits that they’ve had as well. Little pieces of happiness and strength and just life.

This is a complete fiction - totally made up. I do not, nor will I ever know Jake or any member of GVF. That said, this story is mine. Please respect that.

@takenbythemaddness deserves all the love here. She really did a lot of screaming at me, but those screams guided me. Thank you my friend.

Content warnings: Language. Alcohol. Hints of sex, and sexual situations. Adult relationships. Talk of old trauma and old trauma caused by relationships.

Word count: approx. 7000

Chapter 11: August, 1992: Amanda POV

The swoon of The Black Crowes filled the air of Sparrow as I moved around, dusting, shifting books on the displays, adding new stock to the shelves. It must’ve been close to midnight. I was belting out “Seeing Things” like it was my entire life. Funny how lyrics can match your spirit coming and going with whatever is happening in your life. I had found strength. I had found life without Roger was better than with him. I had found my smile and the ability to stand on my own. Sparrow was flourishing. And in it all, I became my own woman.

A tap at my door caught my attention, my cheeks blushing over the possibility of being caught singing so far off key, I might’ve found it again. Jake stood, his body leaning down so as to see below the closed curtain.

“Having a party?” he asked lightly as I let him in.

“Naw, just doing chores,” I said as I hurried to the stereo. “You want a beer?”

I held up my two down six pack from the open cooler. He grinned and reached out in answer. I opened my third and took a sip before pausing to listen to the new song roll out of the speakers. Jake grinned. Joe Cocker. Of course. “You are So Beautiful” leaked in the air between us. He laughed as he took a long drink before setting the can aside.

“Come here, beautiful,” he whispered, holding his hand out and sweeping me into him.

I was instantly overwhelmed by his warmth, his sounds, the way he hummed and murmured the lyrics. I pressed my cheek to his chest when he brought his fingers up to stroke my hair. Call it muscle memory. Call it a siren call. Call it whatever the fuck you want but I shuffled my feet in between his in perfect time, just like always. My heart was swelling beyond the capacity of my chest. My very soul was crying out for this man that held me for all of two minutes and forty some odd seconds.

We stopped moving as a stupid restaurant commercial started jingling from the speakers. I felt my throat constrict as his fingers pressed into my back. My brows pinched as I breathed in one more time before I moved away.

“I have missed you,” he said quietly.

I was sniffling and running towards the counter to hide my emotions behind a tissue. Instead of waffling, I plastered my best smile on and shook off the anxiousness of the moment. When I turned back to him, the only thought that struck me was “I desperately want to be yours once more”, but I did not allow the words to dance across my tongue and be spoken into truth. They could remain my dream for now.

“How is Jeanette?” I asked instead, reaching for my can to take a drink.

His mouth scrunched to the side, capturing the hint that ‘us’ was not a topic to discuss. “She’s good. We’ve gotta get-away coming up after Labor Day. Heading up to Sault Saint Marie. Should be pretty.”

I grinned and nodded. “It’ll be gorgeous this time of year. Must be getting serious, surely.”

I turned to grab my duster and to hide my eyes rolling closed. I may not have wanted to broach the topic of ‘us’ but I sure as shit did not want to be talking about Jeanette either. I knew they were dating. I knew they might as well be dating exclusively from what the town gossip rags were raging about.

Jake shrugged. “We are just enjoying each other’s company, I guess. I don’t know.” I shot him a questioning look. “Are you serious? Jake, you two have been ‘dating’ for what, at least 18 months?”

He shrugged again. “She likes how things are right now. It’s comfortable.”

I nodded as I started getting back to work. He chatted about the pending meetings with the Fall Street Fair committee. Of course, I had been approached to chair the group this year, although I am sure I didn’t quite agree to being said chair. It was fine though. I had some ideas to expand things and incorporate a dance to bring in more people to the evening events.

We finished the six pack and Jake left with a wave. Into my apartment, I was sure that I was going to fall asleep from sheer exhaustion. Instead, my mind swirled, latching on how he called me ‘beautiful’. How he had held me. It wasn’t that I was not dating. I had been out more than a few times with nice men. They just weren't Jake. I took what I could, selfishly at times. And that was all right. Whatever happened between us - falling back together or remaining friends, it would be enough to sustain me. Probably.

Jake POV

I woke up in her bed. My dream had placed me squarely in Mandy’s arms, but instead, I smiled into the sleepy face of Jeanette. I traced her cheek before planting a kiss to her forehead with a promise of making pancakes for breakfast.

“You’re too good, Jake,” she moaned as she yanked the blankets up to her chin and snuggled in.

She really was a lovely woman. She cared for me in a way that satisfied me. Was it love? In a fashion it was. But it was a shadow compared to what once had been mine. What was still with Amanda. I felt it the previous night. That heat that echoed between us - acknowledged but unnoted. Our steady return to friendship meant everything. I listened to Jeanette as she bumped around on her way to the shower. She was about to be on shift at the hospital for the weekend. I had promised her a good breakfast as well as dropping her off supper tonight. I promised to stay away after that, a request she had to keep her focused as she entered her second fourteen hour shift. She’d just laugh and say that the super bitch would emerge, so best to not see her in that condition.

I heard her calling me from the beyond and I put a pause on flipping pancakes. I grinned as I was met with a mountain of steam and a sigh.

“You need something?” I asked as my fingers wrapped around the shower curtain.

I will admit all I could see was how her fingers ghosted up the curve of her hips to the swell of her breasts, the bubbles of the soap leaving trails down her lush skin. I don’t think I even bothered taking my clothes off before I jumped in with her. But that was what we had. That moment sums up our relationship quite well. Spontaneous. Fun.

“You’ll be busy with the festival committee, yeah?” she was asking as she buttered up her pancakes.

I was nodding as I dragged a towel across my hair. “Not looking forward to it, but it is what it is. Should be good though. We’re bringing back the dancefloor since that was such a hit last year. But instead of a DJ this year, I’ve gotten the Jewel boys lined up to play.”

“Ooo, sounds romantic,” she said before taking a big bite.

“Should be,” I agreed as I reached for my mug.

She followed me out her front door and we parted with a warm kiss, lingering over the glow that we had given to each other. It was easy with Jeanette.

I stopped in Martin’s to get Bugger and Meg set up to start the day before I headed out to the meeting at the hotel. Mandy was already there, her smile wide and filled with energy. She gave me a little wave as she was listening to a group talk at her at rapid speed. I edged the perimeter, making sure I was seen without having to interact just yet. Mrs. Button latched onto my arm and practically dragged me over to her business partner, Mrs. Olsen, with suggestions on flowers and plants that they just needed my opinion on. Mandy had pointed out they just liked me in particular - young, single, and handsome. I smiled as they bubbled over their pictures all spread out in an array of color.

“I happen to like the stonecrops, petunias and hydrangeas, ladies,” Mandy remarked, her eyes on me as she walked up to us. “The bolder the better, eh?”

The two ladies cackled like crows as they began to shuffle through the photos to bring together the suggested fauna. She tucked in close to me, all the while nodding and agreeing - ferns? Sure. Perhaps we need to feature local grown… Coneflowers? How lovely. I stood and absorbed her presence. For the first time in a very long while, I felt it. The gentle tug starting at the very tips of my toes reaching out as her gravity beckoned me.

I sat across from her during the actual meeting. Everything from the grand opening at noon on Saturday to the dance Sunday evening was discussed. The carnival rides would be making a return to the park, and main street would be turned into a walking only venue for two whole days. I watched her as she presented costs and features and alternate plans in case of bad weather. And yet.

The thoughts that tumbled through my mind was the fact that I had been in love with the woman before me since I was seventeen. She had given me direction, motivation, and purpose. She gave me memories and solace when I thought times could not get worse. We knew each other without a singular touch or word between us. I could recall in a fraction of a second every smile, every hushed moan, every ounce of touch she had ever given me. In her current state, she was healing. Her wounds are still visible, but closing. Nearly a year away from Roger had given her inklings of confidence that I had been privy to so long before. Nearly a year, and she was visibly healing.

Jeanette and I had stopped at Babcia’s for dinner when I saw Mandy in the corner booth with a guy I did not know. That was back in April, close to my birthday. I teased her about it the next day. I was given a blush across her cheeks and an instant withdrawal by her, but I will not lie, I was a little hurt that I had not been her first date. I had wondered at the time if she realized it. When I saw her walking into the diner with Adam Walker the following week, I knew. She was trying to find a path away from all of her hurt. Seeking comfort with those she did not have such an extended history with. And that was fine. I could continue to live off our friendship. I would survive on our walled off and restrained notions of love.

Our trip up north had been amazing. Jeanette was truly a partner for my curiosity. We were a good match in our shared interests and we both had a desire to find adventure in the little daily pieces of life. She brought me a smile that I could not deny in that manner. She took me on the lock tour, while I wanted to walk the downtown for window shopping. She dragged me out to hike the park, and I made us go to a few of the taverns. We both enjoyed the music shop and the book store. Not unlike our town, they happened to be side by side.

“I bet best friends do not own those,” Jeanette said, her tone light as we were walking away, her eyes full of warmth.

I had paused at her comment. It was not the first time that she had brought up Mandy in such a fashion. There was no intent there other than to acknowledge the closeness I had with Amanda. There wasn't any suggestion that there was anything other than friendship. I had glanced back at the two shops and smiled.

I had not shared anything of what Georgia had dropped upon me two years prior with anyone. It took six months just to process the information that she had so totally duped me into believing I was horrible for betraying my girl. Jeanette knew enough about Georgia, and the reason I could not stay in the marriage. She had listened to me while I had expressed my doubts that Liam was my child, though in my heart he would always have a residence. I listened to her and her heartbreak. The loss of her husband, Gabriel, in a car accident that had left her hospitalized for three weeks and him in the ground. I guess we were a pair. Each finding solace in the other over the level of loss that had been tattooed on our spirits. We certainly found a way to extend comfort and patience to the other across the many times of need.

Once returned to Frankenmuth, we parted ways with a promise to see each other soon. I was unsure if the committed non-committal thing was what kept me right with her. Or maybe, we were just two similar souls that were in a holding pattern for the next big event that would pull us apart. Regardless, once home, laundry done with a beer in my hand, I was ready to start the work week relaxed.

Morning coffee had turned into Mandy’s coffee since her completion of the coffee bar and treat case. The idea was a hit. She had people waiting for shop opening at eight every morning and the morning pastries were gone within the first hour. I would show up about nine, to which she would have my cup at the ready and a saved cafe table that was closer to the back door. When I walked in the morning after the trip, her face was a mix of relief and question. When I prodded her, she just shook her head and pointed out that she had a new round of biographies that I would be interested in.

The cooler weather was kissing the air and tickling the town. I invited Jeanette to supper at my place a few weeks after our trip away. She brought the wine and I cooked way too much shrimp and pasta, but it did actually come out amazingly. We sat on the deck to eat and drink and laugh. I had put on an album inside so it could drift outside in the background. She looked lovely that night. Her smile was inviting. Her mood was light. So when the question came around, I was caught off guard.

“So, am I just your placeholder for Mandy? I mean, are you just waiting for her at this point?”

“Placeholder?” I repeated the word. The fact that she used it to describe herself struck a chord. “No…? I’m not sure where this is coming from. I just thought we were…”

She puffed out her cheeks before taking a sip of her wine. “Relax, Jake. Just a conversation that I think we’re overdue for.”

“Why would you call yourself a placeholder? What does that even mean?” I asked, still not liking the direction.

She stayed quiet for a few beats that chewed into my system. “Don’t mind me. I think I’m just off tonight.”

I watched her confidence evaporate instantly, leaving her near silent in her rush to leave. “Jeanette, wait. Pardon me being dense here. Why would you think you were a placeholder? Like what we have doesn’t mean anything?”

“Forget it. I gotta get going anyway. I’m on at seven tomorrow morning,” she started grabbing plates and standing up.

I reached out but couldn’t stop her. I grabbed the rest of the dishes and caught her inside the kitchen. “Just stop, please. It hurts that you would think this whole time you thought I was just waiting things out for Mandy. You’ve been very important to me. I thought we…”

Her eyes glistened as she was reaching for her purse and keys. “Jake, now I’m just embarrassed. Please. I’m just going to go and we’ll forget I said anything.”

I caught her around the wrist to stop her. “Jean, hey, stop. Just for a minute. I don’t like seeing you like this.”

“Really,” she huffed, shaking her head. “It’s fine. Just let me go.”

I watched as she left, pulling out of the driveway quickly to make her escape. I called her place to make sure she got home, but she did not answer. Fuck. I left a quick message on her machine to call me. Instead of losing the night in her skin, I lost the night in thoughts of me not making her feel special enough. For not making her feel like she was important enough. For that I was…. Fuck, I was an idiot.

Chapter 12: October, 1992: Amanda POV

The first week of October had arrived. The carnival trucks rolled into town on Tuesday and the park was being set up quickly for the launch on Saturday at noon. Main Street was being cleaned up and prepped for all the fixings to be set out. The tents had arrived. Assignments and locations were marked and mapped. This thing was ready to launch.

Jake seemed off for more than a few days. Distracted seemed to be a good word for him. I was too busy - words I felt guilty saying even to myself - to stop long enough to check in on him. Instead, we continued our paths, side by side, just like always.

I blinked and Friday appeared. The street was blocked off so shop owners could start setting up their tents along the wide sidewalks. Saturday morning was a flurry of activity. Mick and Robin were manning the shop while I brought on a few extra hands to be in the booth with me. I noticed that Jake was all set, a wide collection of tables set out with old wooden beer case bins holding vintage albums. I caught his eye and gave a wave as I was running down towards the park to make sure the stalls for the Farmer’s Market were in place. It was enough to give me a little flutter. He had his hair pulled back just at the crown of his head, allowing the length that now spilled over his shoulders to hang loose. I might’ve looked a little too long and ran into the flower power girls and their carts of ferns.

Once I untangled from Mrs. Button and Mrs. Olsen, I marched down to the park to see the carnival rides and game row all in place, being given their final safety clearance. The Farmer’s Market corner was lovely and filled with all sorts of cool stuff. At noon, the wagons were sent out for those parked at a distance for free hayrides into the event. The local 4H manned that helm and the kids were given an avenue to talk about their club and animals and whatever the hell else they wanted to.

People were lined up for the late afternoon parade. It seemed like nonstop activity. The high school band led the festivities and the amount of candy thrown was shocking. The evening was ushered in with the end of the parade. The carnival would stay open until midnight, while the shops on main street closed up at seven. In the midst of carrying coolers and pitchers, I caught sight of Jake dragging tables back towards Martin’s. I started to smile until I saw Jeanette appear, stepping into his waiting touch, his waiting kiss. My heart clenched at the sight of how lovely they looked.

Whipping myself around before I was caught, I cleaned up quickly. I could feel the yearning in my skin for his touch. For his singular attention. The way he would clench his jaw as he watched his fingers trace the line of my thigh haunted my dreams. I was on the verge of rupture when I was blessed with Mick stepping out to start helping carry the heavy trays. I retreated upstairs after lights out and put on a CD of something instrumental to fill the air with something other than my lingering thoughts of a man who I had no claim to. Pouring out a cup of hot chamomile, I worked through my night routine - locking the door, washing up, jammies, book, tea and my bed covered with a million cute pillows.

My book landed next to me while my thoughts swirled around. I had dated a grand total of four men - all of them nice. I even slept with two of them. I had nearly forgotten what it was to be desired. Jake had been the first to remind me. Adam had been the second. Chris was just… strange and I’ll leave it at that. No - really. Not strange. That’s the wrong word. It just kind of happened and I was not hurt when I did not feel the need to return that man’s call. But now… My eyes closed as the heat of Jake’s touch crept through my memory. He had a way of making me feel like I could fly. Like I could set the world on fire and he would gladly supply the gasoline. The way he would smile so softly as he explored my body, and how the corners of his eyes would crinkle when I pressed kisses to those places he couldn’t stop the moan from escaping from his lips. Fuck.

I rolled to my side and snapped the light off, discovering the dark only made things worse. I slipped out from the bed with a strangled huff, latching on to my mug and retreating to my kitchen table. My eyes caught sight of a long forgotten navy blue spine with little silver stars that had been carelessly tossed on top of the fridge. In all the crazy of the summer, I had forgotten that Jenni had brought a box of stuff from our room. She was helping Mom repaint and prepare the house for sale. The folks were officially downsizing. Odd to think that our home would be host to someone other than the Fischer family.

I reached and grabbed the journal that I had so brokenly discarded more than a decade before. I chewed the corner of my mouth as I sat down, instantly spilling out a bunch of photographs. I smiled as I pushed them together in a pile with careful hands. My smile began to twist and curl as I looked upon the joy that was stretched across our youthful faces. I looked upon fond memories of days down by the river, cuddle moments in his parent’s basement, a picture snapped of us being total idiots at Miller’s. Each one I could tell you the day, the time, the occasion, the feel, the smell, the tenderness, the laughter that happened. My eyes skated over my tumbled out thoughts and trilled secrets. I re-read passages of hope and love and desires. I giggled over sketchy ideas of what it would be like to have sex with Jake, followed by ‘holy shit’ revelations. It was all there. My eighteen year old self was so right when I said that “Jake was the joy of the sun, the soul of the moon, the river between my toes, the breath in my lungs, the love of my life.”

I paused. I knew what the last entry was. I knew the words that I had scrawled; the tear marks that blotched the heavy paper. I ran my finger over the edge, allowing myself to feel the stain of the memory. To go from such a high of seeing him coming home to see me, to celebrate us, and then to fall to such waste and anger in seconds was enough to make me feel like I had snapped my spine and broke my spirit.

Another moment of hesitation and I turned the page to find that picture of Jake in the red swim trunks, his mouth stretched wide in an open smile. I dragged in a breath. There were the splotches in the ink from my angry, leaked out tears. There was the wrinkled corner from where I nearly shredded the page from the book. I did not read the words that I had written in such a blind rage, but more so took in the heavy slant, the hard press into the paper, the sloppiness, the carelessness… But then at the bottom, my eyes froze. I did not remember writing the last sentences and my heart broke all the more for my young self. “I do not believe with all that is of me that Jake betrayed me. It is just not in him to be so reckless, so thoughtless of what we had as to be with another woman. I don’t care if he was drunk. I just cannot believe he could be so not loyal to us.”

There it was again. A stubbornness to not believe what was, and not heal from the wound that had buried itself so deep. Breathing in, I knew there was still scar tissue, still marks from that first swipe of ‘forever’. Roger had blazed across every nerve ending and exposed brain cells. He had ruined my confidence and eroded my edges that made me - me. I admit, I dwelled on how I had allowed that man to run me over and obliterate what I thought were the best parts of me. I thought I would never heal. I thought the damage done would be permanent. It was not lost on me that this situation had been a repeated one. While Jake’s trespass had been a mistake, Roger’s had been intentional. Intentional harm. Intentional destruction. In order to get beyond Roger’s damage, I had to also recognize the older, persistent trauma that had been entombed in the recesses of myself behind a wall of doubt. Had I allowed my perceived goodness in Jake to cover what had been done? Maybe. A little bit of me still wanted to believe that what Jake had done was not real.

I am totally not sure how I had finally wrestled myself to rest, but I did. Day one of the Fall Festival was a success. Now, just to live through day two. I fixed myself a fast breakfast and was downstairs, setting up for the day within a half an hour. The day was chilly but clear. Mick dragged himself through the door, while Robin flitted in with a huge smile and a breakfast casserole to share. Festivities for the day were more focused on the farmer’s market, carnival rides, and the ending with the dance and live music. I had gotten the insulated pitchers of hot chocolate to the counter when Jake appeared.

“Good morning,” I chirped as I plugged in the big coffee percolators to get to work. “I have coffee inside…”

He grinned and followed me in, a sleepy glance to his tent next door. “We did really good yesterday, Mandy. Everyone is saying that their foot traffic may have been near double of what it was last year.”

I nodded as I poured him a cup. “Taking Jeanette to the dance tonight?”

I hid the internal groan that I chomped down in my throat. Why would I ask that kind of a question other than to divert my thoughts that he would never know were going on in the first place. Damn I am an idiot at times.

“I guess. She’s going with a group and I told her I’d meet her there,” he answered before blowing across the heat of the coffee. “You? Are you taking anyone?”

“Just myself. No one wanted this hot little number today,” I said, shimmying my hips like an idiot. I mean really? Who was this person, for surely it was not me.

He frowned for a moment. Thankfully, Mick and Robin were banging around as they struggled with filling coolers for the day. Of course, Robin shoved a hunk of casserole under his nose to share with Bugger in particular, and Meg. We fell into routine as if both of us just needed to retreat into the comfortable instead of my awkwardness. The day rolled through with lots of visitors from out of town as well as residents. The street music that Jake provided was a fun addition, setting a tone that was light and put people at an ease. The day was feeling its Autumn self - mostly cloudy and a little breezy. We had to rush to refill our hot chocolate and coffee more than a few times. But it was fun. It was fun to see our town awash in pumpkins and flannel and little clear twinkle lights and just everything. It made me love the town all over again. To know I had a hand in it… yeah.

The evening brought our shops to close at five, even though our foot traffic was still heavy. We moved our operation down the street to the park for the dance and ending with fireworks. The Jewel Boys were a large farm family that were renowned for their musical talents. The seven brothers came together to play a variety of music from bluegrass, to country, to hillbilly rock and of course old time ballads and standards. They had been a local draw for years. I smiled as I watched Jake helping them set up, eyes just twinkling as he looked over their gear and guitars. The dark navy of his blazer set off the auburn that was in his hair as it fell across his shoulders and back. I had not seen him smile like that in a very long time. It was his realm. Music. He belonged to it in such a way that although we all saw it in Martin’s, but on the few occasions I had seen him on a gig - it made me wonder if he belonged in another life. A life that he was born to be on the stage for all to see.

He waved at me while I gathered up the mayor for their big thank you for coming speech. Mayor Pauley smiled and waved as Jake tried to hand her a microphone, giving up and just grabbing hold of her hand to place it directly in her palm. Everyone laughed as he backed away dramatically and she continued on with the task of introductions and welcomes and thank yous. I took my bow when she mentioned me and the business committee that made the whole event possible. Upon completion, she introduced the Jewel Boys to an uproar of applause. People crowded the dancefloor and the surrounding area just to watch the spectacle. I admit, I rode the edge. It was enough to just watch everyone else have fun.

I took note that Jeanette was dancing with friends, her face all lit with light as Jake stayed on stage, playing mandolin for the first few songs. I wondered if she saw what I did when he played like this. He was not just Jake. He was the kind of beautiful that you could see the music was seeping out of his pores and absolute joy shone in his eyes. He was effortlessly golden.

I chatted with those around me, just appreciating the music and the happy mood that clung to the air. Jake took his bow and introduced the next song before taking off to be at Jeanette’s side. I caught his gaze for a few moments. His gravity was strong, yanking me across the distance. I forced myself to move away and instead, I turned to find Mr. Henry, asking me to dance. How could I say no to that handsome man?

I found myself belly laughing as Henry serenaded me as we danced. He was amazing. Somehow, just before the song ended, though, I found myself face to face with Jake. He had tapped on Henry’s shoulder to interrupt. The band slipped into some bouncy pop song that we were completely silly to. It just felt good to see my friend cut loose. Just as I was about to bow out, the next song swooned across the masses. The space on the floor suddenly widened as a slow melody took root to swish away the singles and welcome the couples.

“The Nearness of You” was a soft spot for me, and Jake knew it. He glanced over his shoulder for a moment before stepping in close to bring my body close to his. We shuffled across the floor, our eyes upon each other as he hummed along the notes. To be held to him so close made my heart feel sick. My skin longed for his caress. I let out a nervous laugh as he softly sang the first words…

It’s not the pale moon that excites me

That thrills or delights me

Oh no

It’s the nearness of you…

He turned me gently. He held me tenderly. When I looked at his face, I could see our path stretch out, coming back together just as it was supposed to be. His gravity wrapped around me and mingled with mine. For a moment, I thought for sure we were the only ones dancing within that most perfect of memory. I could feel his heart racing as my fingers came to rest on his chest. I’m sure he knew my breath was coming way too fast. I smiled as a soft hum rippled through him - familiar and warm and… As the notes faded, he closed his eyes as a breath escaped from between his lips.

And then it was done. That moment. It was like one of those moments where you’re instantly questioning if it happened the second it is over. Our bodies stopped and started to move away from each other.

“Mandy, look at me,” he whispered when I could not lift my chin to even smile a thank you.

“I can’t,” I said, my chest choking on so many words that wanted to pour out. It was neither the time, nor the venue to do so. “I have to go, Jake.”

The last words of my little girl journal struck me as I walked away. You would think that these words were full of venom and hate and betrayal and confusion. Though the words were full of fire, they contained none of it. It was lament. Lament for what was in front of Jake at that time. A sorrow. A concern for only him in what he was facing. Nothing of me. Nothing of my hurt. It was like the moment of cauterization of our relationship all over again. We were both healthy. We were both happy. Was there just too much scar tissue to allow us a way back to each other? It was undeniable that there was still love. A deep love that flowed like an underground current through us both.

I drifted away feeling very much like I had left myself behind with him. I had to focus on my next task to finish the night and leave the moment behind. The chill in the air danced across my skin and realized that there was dampness on my face. Wiping at my cheeks, I had no idea why there needed to be tears. I caught sight of Jeanette as she and Jake were walking towards the staging for the fireworks. She had a smile that seemed off. I wondered if she had seen it. Seen me being an absolute juvenile while dancing with a man she was obviously so right for, even if I did not want to admit it to myself.

When the night was over, and I was sliding into my bed, I grabbed hold of my pillow and hugged it tight. I was feeling those threads, that current strangling me in a way that was forcing me to see very clearly: I needed to say goodbye. It was time. My relationship with Jake had shaped me for over twelve years. Twelve years that we were not together. It was foolhardy to hold a standard of what I had for a fleeting six months to anything that I could possibly treasure now. Treasure that I could have as my own and grow away from Jake. He needed to have what was right in front of him - a good woman who so loved him in a way that was nice to see him have. I did not need to fuck with that. Perhaps it was time to finally heal the last bit of wound that was there and move on.

Jake POV

To watch Amanda walk away from me with tears in her eyes hurt. Deeply. I yanked myself together like a patchwork quilt and returned to my spot to watch the rest of the music set. Jeanette seemed to sense a drift and stayed away until it was time for fireworks. Her touch was warm as we walked side by side down into the park by the river. We found my folks and Ronnie, Dave and the kids. I was knee deep in my nephews and niece; a welcomed respite from the thoughts that troubled me.

I had taken Jeanette home after the festivities, leaving her with a kiss at her door as she was supposed to be on shift at seven the next morning. I took a moment, standing in my boxers in my kitchen, a glass of water between my fingers, to play back the moment that I had her next to me, against me. I could feel her warmth still. My heart was angry with it. My breath was tainted with it.

I pretended to be normal for a week. Jeanette was on a week from hell, covering shifts while working her own. Our contact was me dropping off plates of food and phone calls that lasted moments. I could tell she was holding something back. We had not taken the time to really get into her upset from a few weeks back. We merely had fallen back in step of our comfort.

Saturday evening brought her around to my place for a dinner date. I was going to take her to a little cafe that we had stumbled upon closer to Flint. I figured getting out of town would be good. Just a little space and a long evening would be good. However, when she landed on my doorstep, I knew we were going nowhere. Instead, I made a pot of coffee and sat with her in the living room. I could feel her defenses were up, despite her smile and warmth that danced in her eyes.

After our pleasantries and catching up from a busy week, the silence beat for a bit too long. She seemed to be mulling over her words. I did not want to tread forward until she was ready because I truly did not know how to broach the subject that seemed to weigh on her and I did not want to force it.

“You know, Jake,” she started, the corner of her mouth pulling up into a half smile, “when I was young, I watched how my grandparents looked at each other. My grandfather had the absolute audacity to look at my grandmother like she was the queen of his whole world. I was brought up to think I deserved that kind of love. And there are so many around here that have that. You ever notice that? Mr. Henry and Ada. Lord, your folks have it in spades. I’ve dreamt of being that for someone. I know I had it with Gabe. I don’t want to be selfish, but I would like to have that again.”

I felt my stomach drop to my feet. I knew what she was talking about. It clicked.

“You have to admit, these past few years have been amazing,” she said quietly. “I’ve hoped to have… I’ve hoped that you could have been my person, Jake. But truth is, that’s not going to happen.”

“Jeanette,” I managed, trying to reach for her hand.

“I love you, Jake,” she breathed out, the words tangling up in her throat. “I know you care very much for me-”

“Hey.” I stopped her, my heart swelling as I reached for her hand. “You can’t say I’ve not loved you.”

She grinned sadly. “Thank you. You’re right. You have. But Sunday I realized something. Amanda Fischer has been your person for so long. You still want her. And that’s okay. I know that what we have has been so special to me. I think we’ve been good to get over some pretty hard stuff, haven’t we?”

I perked my eyebrow at her sentiment. She was correct. It had been years since I had felt as whole as I had in recent days and weeks. It was like I was a clean slate with only hints of fissures and glued together cracks of what I was in the past that were just barely visible. She had made that possible.

“I better go,” she said, her voice growing strong. “Thank you for everything, Jacob.”

I tugged on her hand to bring her close. “Thank you, Jeannette.”

I kissed her softly and pulled her into a hug. It was not a mourning of parting that I felt. Instead, it was the opposite. I felt like we were celebrating. Like we were graduating beyond our grief; our damage. She felt it, too. I watched as she left and absorbed the quietness that she left behind. It was not a bad thing. It was mine.

I’ll see you next Wednesday for the final chapter and epilogue. 💚

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