#before ppl misunderstand this is an appreciation post!! a post of much love!!!!!!!!
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YET TO COME / HOT
BTS (2022) / SEVENTEEN (2022)
#bts#btsgif#seventeen#svtsource#svtedit#btsedit#before ppl misunderstand this is an appreciation post!! a post of much love!!!!!!!!#idk who to tag either bc what there are bts or svt antis on either side 😭#cheytermelon#usercchuu#userjoanna#tusercelia#laura.track#userfairy#creations#creations: svt#creations: bts#my two fav groups saying that its a new chapter and theyre gonna show their best!!!! okay!!!#tuserjay
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same anon
@/statisticalcats2 was also defending fat fetishization in another reblog and straight up said it's okay to fetishize us
i originally wasnt gonna answer the first ask bc i have had a super long day and couldnt be fucked to type all the thoughts i had but i think there's a misunderstanding happening here.
OP in that rb isnt condoning fetishization - they're pointing out that ppl who qualify attraction to fat ppl as having to be Pure (aka "so long as its not fetishy") are part of the issue when it comes to the dehumanization of fat ppl.
to answer ur original ask: the original post wasnt implying that its ok to not like fat people bc theyre fat/prefer thin bodies because they're thin (i cant remember ur exact words but i think that was what u were asking abt). from what i understand OP is saying that when ur attracted to a fat person, not ignoring their fatness isnt disrespectful. example: my wife saying part of the reason she is attracted to me is because my body is bigger than hers is NOT disrespectful!! her appreciating my body and kissing and groping my belly and rolls before sex the way she kisses or gropes my hips, chest, arms, and all other parts of my body is NOT a bad thing!! her sharing that love of my body and describing my body as fat and having rolls and jiggling is not bad!!! [all of these things are true facets of my wifes attraction to me btw] she loves me REGARDLESS of my size - not in SPITE of my size.
the second half of that post imo isnt condoning or even condemning fetishization of fat ppl - it's addressing the fact that ppl feel the need to qualify even referencing theoretically loving a fat person wholly as "not a fetish". its the fact attraction to fat ppl MUST be explicitly qualified as "not a fetish". keeping with the wife example: if my wife wrote a post referencing how much she loves having hot sweaty t4t sex with a gorgeous fat femme on the regular and someone came onto it saying "#ugh goals #not in a fetishy way tho" - do you understand the frustration? like as well meaning as that statement is, it's not called for in that setting simply bc of the mention of being attracted to a fat person.
people can be attracted - sexually or non-sexually - to fat people and acknowledge that fatness in their attraction without it needing to be qualified as not being a fetish. if you are confused read that sentence but replace the trait of being fat with being trans or disabled or autistic or short or literally ANY other descriptor and hopefully that helps make it make more sense.
#personal#this is of course my understanding#i dont speak for OP obviously but this is my read#srry this is long yall d:#hopefully this all makes sense#i also will just say im not gonna discourse this post more than this#this is already more than i normally would answer but i also felt compelled to explain once u sent this second ask
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Hello! Ik you've mentioned that you don't write for mcyt's anymore, but I still often come across your fics. And something I've repeatedly seen is you stating "you can just replace them in your head" after stating the pronouns. And it hurts honestly. As a trans person, to see you say that feels like you're trying to undermine mine, and others efforts. I particularly have a problem with when you say it for she/her pronouns, but that's just because I'm ftnb(female to non-binary) and she/her pronouns give me dysphoria. And you can just say "don't read my fics that use she/her pronouns" but you saying "you can just replace them in your head" is kind of saying, "you can read this you're just sensitive." But another thing is, for trans people especially, and cis people(not as much because while cis people can still experience some gender dysphoria it's definitely not as much as trans people), seeing the pronouns you used to go by, or what strangers assume you use, its like a stab to the chest every time, and I understand that for cis people it can be easy to ignore, and easy to change in your head, but that experience is very different for trans people, because we try so hard to change what we are perceived as.
A whole other point is, I use fanfiction as a sort of safe space, and I know many others do as well, and you know, seeing that, the phrase you use, devalues that for me, it's telling me that I am not valid in my own safe space, and idk if I'm alone in this, but idk.
You haven’t done anything wrong, please don't misunderstand. Your work is amazing and I love the fics that I've read. I just wanted to kind of, bring this to your attention? Because you might just be unaware of it? Which is fine! And I don't blame you, I'm certainly don't know the entire workings of minorities I'm not apart of. Anyways lol, this wasn't meant to hold any malice, and I'm definitely not angry, I did get emotional lmao. I cried while writing this hahaha.
Anyways, have a great day/night <3
okay this is the second time its been brought up so i want to address this-
i, under no way had any intentions of making ppl uncomfortable- at the time i wrote my fics, it was common for others to tell me they just replaced it. fanfic and boundaries have definitely evolved a bit in the way its been placed in fics since then so i apologize.
before, i have asked in my posts for gender neutral terms or ways to fix problems that may arise like these- and have received answers that ppl have just replaced them. thus i followed that format but i can see why its an issue now.
i might not have the time to go back and fix then at the moment, but if you continue to see it, please tell me which fics so i can edit them. the purpose of the pronouns at the tol are for you to decide whether to read them or not
i appreciate that you did this kindly and im so sorry i didnt mean to make u cry! this is how u handle situations tho and its all in communication! ive gotten angry cusses before and this is a much nicer change :)
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Is it wrong to say that Sansa uses an out of sight out of mind coping mechanism? I noticed it because it's what I do a lot. I know some ppl say she rewrites traumatic memories to make the memories bearable but it doesn't make sense. If that was how she coped, wouldn't she have been telling herself lies about Joffrey still in acok? Or found a way to erase/rewrite Marillion's attempt to rape her?
Yes and no. She does that except all the times she doesn’t. ;) I think that characterization is extremely reductionist (and ignores character complexity and growth) when it’s applied that broadly to every situation Sansa has been in. You have to take these things instance by instance because they aren’t all the same. Sometimes that labeling doesn’t fit at all. In many cases, it feels more like the fandom pathologizing the act of romanticizing or trying to push aside or reframe something unpleasant or even traumatic when that’s just something most human beings do now and then. Some do it more than others, but its all within the realm of typical coping behavior and being older or more educated or more “logical” doesn’t make one immune to it. So I hope you don’t let those interpretations make you feel abnormal or more fallible for identifying with Sansa in that way. Romanticizing doesn’t even have to be about coping at all, but simply expressing desire through daydreams. People imagine being in idealized scenarios with crushes all the time.
You also hit the nail on the head. Sansa just doesn’t go around making up false narratives about every objectively awful thing that happens to her. In fact, her actual responses to those moments can be a useful basis for comparison when we’re analyzing the unkiss, for example. Misunderstanding the unkiss is usually where a lot of these assumptions stem from. That’s a whole other can of worms in itself. The unkiss is just too long of a discussion to put here, so I just recommend this post as to the reasons why it isn’t about trauma and take a browse through my unkiss tag. It does bear repeating that Sansa factually remembers every scary thing that happened during the Blackwater and why it happened, indicating she has processed it honestly and critically, before any incarnation of the unkiss happens. The unkiss is a mismemory added on to the facts, which began as her being the actor that kissed him first. It’s not a lie to deny the facts or to excuse his behavior. It’s regrettable to her that Sandor was not able to be the person she could rely on to get her out of KL at that time. Nonetheless, this repressed desire is just so strong in her that it manifested in a kiss so real she could remember how it felt after the reality of his leaving KL for good sank in.
Early AGOT Sansa tended to want to move past unpleasantness rather quickly. Just sweep those red flags under the rug so everything can go back to blissful harmony. Sansa is naturally averse to conflict and just wants her present with the royal family to be smooth sailing into a bright future. Ned had a very similar tendency when it came to concerns over Robert’s true character. He saw things that disturbed him, but he hoped and clung to his idea of Robert anyway. For Sansa, this resulted in some misplaced blame and rewriting events so she could deal with the aftermath. This is mostly seen in her processing the Mycah incident after Lady’s death and how her perception of all the characters involved shifted in varying ways. This is after she knew perfectly well what really happened, because Ned says Sansa had already told him the truth of what Joffrey did while Arya was still missing. However, it would also be unfair to completely chalk this up to Sansa’s idiosyncrasies. We have to put her flip-flopping in the context of the situation as well. She’s also experienced a gutting loss with Lady’s death and the fact that the first blow to her innocence was her father volunteering to put Lady down. She doesn’t have Catelyn to go to with her confusion and hurt, and Ned has largely been silent. She’s also still engaged to Joffrey through all this, this is still a patriarchy, there are political ramifications to speaking against a crown prince, and she doesn’t know how to deal with seeing such cruelty and vindictiveness in her future husband. Especially when he responded to her tender concern and wanting to help him with venom and hate.
I mean, jeez, she’s 11. I don’t expect an 11 year old to understand how to identify the signs of emotional manipulation or see how this situation can escalate into domestic violence. Just because Sansa can’t articulate what is happening within her relationship with Joffrey, doesn’t mean she has blocked out any notion that Joffrey can turn his anger on her. Part of the reason she misplaces blame on Arya (and rewrites what happened) is because Joffrey turns scornful of Sansa for being a witness to his emasculating shame. He punishes her with the cold shoulder because she didn’t immediately take his side and pretended not to see instead. He regains power through making Sansa feel small and fearful of his moods.
“He had not spoken a word to her since the awful thing had happened, and she had not dared to speak to him.” -- Sansa II, AGOT.
Sansa looked at him and trembled, afraid that he might ignore her or, worse, turn hateful again and send her weeping from the table. -- Sansa II, AGOT.
This is coming from someone who is supposed to love her and someone she will spend the rest of her life with. To fix things, she must be unequivocally on Joffrey’s side going forward or suffer the consequences, which we can see happening as her story completely flips over breakfast sometime later. This is not saying Sansa is fully exonerated from not supporting her sister when she needed her, but that it’s understandable how she arrived at this point. Even when things start to get really bad after Ned’s arrest, Sansa still holds out some hope that she can appeal to Joffrey’s (and Cersei’s) love for her to get him to be merciful. Is it really her fault she believed a part of Joffrey really loved her (and thus was reachable by her pleas) if he also heavily love bombed her and treated her like she was the most special girl in the world? Love bombing is a classic feature of the seduction phase leading up to abuse.
So we can see Sansa does ignore truths and rewrite events sometimes and her personality is a factor; however, the context surrounding it matters a lot. Post Ned’s execution, Sansa does a full 180 regarding Joffrey and Cersei.
Sansa stared at him, seeing him for the first time. He was wearing a padded crimson doublet patterned with lions and a cloth-of-gold cape with a high collar that framed his face. She wondered how she could ever have thought him handsome. His lips were as soft and red as the worms you found after a rain, and his eyes were vain and cruel. "I hate you," she whispered. -- Sansa VI, AGOT.
Once she had loved Prince Joffrey with all her heart, and admired and trusted his mother, the queen. They had repaid that love and trust with her father's head. Sansa would never make that mistake again. -- Sansa I, ACOK.
"A monster," she whispered, so tremulously she could scarcely hear her own voice. "Joffrey is a monster. He lied about the butcher's boy and made Father kill my wolf. When I displease him, he has the Kingsguard beat me. He's evil and cruel, my lady, it's so. And the queen as well." -- Sansa I, ASOS.
There’s also her conscious efforts to push away thoughts of her dead family and Jeyne Poole, but she states why she does that. It’s traumatic, the tears start flowing uncontrollably, and she is desperately trying to avoid falling into another suicidal depression. Her survival in KL depends on her holding it together and appearing loyal and obedient to Joffrey. Mourning her loved ones would imply to Joffrey she is plotting treason. Besides, she knows that even if she did ask Cersei or LF about Jeyne, she has no reason to believe they’d do anything but lie to her face in a patronizing way. There’s no point being plagued with wondering what the truth might be when she can’t do anything about it. Still, she prayed for Jeyne wherever she might be. She genuinely thought Arya had made it to WF on the ship and was safe at least until she got word of her brothers’ deaths and her home being sacked by the Iron Born, though there was initially a touch of projection and fantasizing about Arya being free while she remains captured. As of Feast, she believes she is the last Stark left alive and she has no one but Littlefinger to help her. So while she is suppressing her grief, it’s done with good reason, and it’s not being replaced with any false narratives to cope.
We also cannot ignore that her relationship to Sandor Clegane has instilled in her an appreciation for the un-sugarcoated truth now that she has experienced betrayal and injustice first hand. In his own way, he’s encouraged her to listen to her own inner bullshit detector. The rose-tinted glasses have become a lot more clear compared to where she started. This is a newly learned skill though, and her self-confidence has been wrecked by internalized verbal abuse. She’s also been left on her own to figure out people’s intentions by herself, which runs parallel to her mounting desperation to get out of KL as Joffrey’s violence escalates. Developing a touch more of a jaded, skeptical side does sometimes clash with her enduring idealism and faith in other people (like with the Tyrells). This struggle is not a bad thing. The goal isn’t to become as cynical as the Hound, but to arrive at an earned optimism that has been tempered by wisdom and practical experience.
Her situation with Littlefinger is much more challenging than anything she faced in KL. He moves her where he wants her to go with complex web of lies, manipulation, grooming, isolation, coercion, dependence, guilt and shame. Her safety and desire to go home are tightly bound to being complicit in his lies and criminal activities. She feels indebted to him for getting her out of KL, even though his methods push her past her boundaries and force her to compromise her moral integrity. The thing is, there are things Sansa does know about LF, but she doesn’t seem to be ready to try and put the puzzle pieces together. She’s not daring to ask probing questions about Lysa’s reference to the “tears” and Jon Arryn or about the possible dangers of Maester Colemon prescribing sweetsleep for Robert’s convulsions. While the subject of Jeyne’s fate is still one she doesn’t want to revisit, somewhere in her mind she does know LF took custody of her friend. If it feels like this is somewhat of a regression back to her early AGOT self, there’s probably some truth to that; however, it’s perfectly okay for positive character arcs to be an imperfect progress. There can be relapses, regressions, setbacks, missteps, and misguided actions. All that growth isn’t lost. Everything she knows is just stored in the back of her mind, not forgotten completely. The general trend line moves her toward successfully confronting Littlefinger with the truth when GRRM is ready to pull the trigger. She’s definitely aware of Littlefinger lying to her more than she lets on and she knows his help is not out of the kindness of his heart, but motivated by what he wants her to be to him. But it’s not like she has the option to go anywhere else, does she? She’s a wanted criminal with a bounty on her head and has no other friend or ally in the Vale she can trust with the truth of her identity. Confronting LF without any means of neutralizing his power over her isn’t the smartest thing to do when he’s shown her he can literally get away with multiple murders. Again, it’s not just her personality that makes her hesitant to pull back the veil and face the horrible truth head on. The outside forces pressuring her perceptions and behavior cannot be discounted either.
#valyrianscrolls#sansa stark meta#sansa stark#joffrey baratheon#sandor clegane#littlefinger#cersei#asoiaf characterization#the unkiss#character arcs#my meta#anonymous
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Percy Jackson is an Hufflepuff- Part 1
Yes. Percy is an Hufflepuff, and now I’ll explain why. First, some brief introductions: English isn’t my first language, so sorry for my grammar errors. Pls be kind. Second, this is MY opinion, but I’ll argue with solid proofs, taking scenes from the books, comparing characters and more. Let’s go step by step.
-Why Percy is not a Ravenclaw? I really have to explain this? I think we all agree that Percy could never be a Ravenclaw.
-Why Percy is not a Slytherin? Oh, here we go. A lot of ppl think Percy is a Slytherin and I’m always like “WHAT”. And now I’ll show you why Percy could never be a Slytherin.
1- I think the best proof is in the Sea of Monsters, where at the end Percy give the Golden Fleece to Clarisse. We all know that Percy save the situation, that HE take the Golden Fleece, that HE saved Clarisse’s ass. Despite that, he gave the G.F. to Clarisse, who took all the credit. A Slytherin would never do that, a true Slytherin, already wouldn’t help Clarisse (not because Slytherin can’t be kind, but surely they’re not with ppl they don’t like), and above all wouldn’t give his/her own glory to Clarisse. Percy’s altruism, kindness and true sense of justice overcome his pride, glory and power. Is it just me that think about of our lovely Cedric Diggory? I mean, is almost the exact thing that Cedric does with Harry: he says to him to take the goblet fire instead of him. Percy does the same.
2- When he refuses to be a god. THIS. I mean, how Hufflepuff is this? What kind of Slytherin refuses a thing like that? I’ll tell you, NONE. Percy thinks about how wonderful should be being almighty, powerful, and immortal. BUT, he can’t abandon his friends and family. He could never do that, and this is so Hufflepuff, right? For Percy, family and friends always come first. In reverse, a Slytherin would take this chance because they are AMBITIOUS and they want to be POWERFUL (hear me out, this is not a bad thing at all). PERCY IS NOT AMBITIOUS, or he would have accepted to be a god! Also, what Percy ask to the gods, instead of being one? “all demigods have to be recognized, and all the minor gods should have a cabin at CHB.” His request is SO humble and SO unselfish that only an Hufflepuff could ask that.
3- His fatal flaw: loyalty. We all know that a main characteristic of being an Hufflepuff is loyalty, and that’s said all. But I’m a good person so I’ll explain this even if there’s no need, and also I’m sure someone could say “EvEN SLyThERin cAN be LoYAl”. Yeah, you’re right. BUT Slytherin’s loyalty is a lot different. Their loyalty is limited only to a small group of friends, and also if their friends affect their goals, a Slytherin is no more loyal to them. Example: Regulus Black. At first he’s loyal to Voldemort, because he truly thinks he’s right. But when he realize the means Voldy uses, Regulus goes against him (we love you Reg). His no more loyal because Voldemort’s behavior go against Regulus’ beliefs. Now, Percy (thanks to the gods) is a good person and has a straight moral on what’s wrong and what’s right. But have you ever think how dangerous he could be if he was evil? I mean, if someone dare to touch an hair of Annabeth he could loose his freaking mind. Evil Percy could be really a problem because his loyalty goes first of his other beliefs. He would do anything to protect his friends, anything.
Another example: let’s analyze the relationship of Percy and Nico. We all agree that Nico is an ambiguous character. He tries to kill Percy, than helps him, the lies to him, and more. I mean, he is the last character to be loyal to, right? But Percy still have faith on him, he’s still loyal to him. Percy asks Nico to bring the seven at the other side, and never doubts on him. A Slytherin would never place such responsibility on a character like Nico (I love Nico, but that’s the true). This loyalty, deep and irrational, can only be of an Hufflepuff.
4-Another proof (there are A LOT) why Percy isn’t a Slytherin: he doesn’t want to be powerful. I write this before in the second point, but I have another proof from The House of Hades. Do you remember when he controls poison against the goddess of discord? Okay, at first he likes what that power makes him feel, he doesn’t want to stop. But when he sees Annabeth’s face he calms down. So, this thing with poison is a new power for him: but he never uses it. Remember when, under the sea with Jason, he says something like “I could have controlled the poison, but I didn’t. It was the goddess’ revenge and I deserve it.” A Slytherin wouldn’t have such problem, they would use this new power on their favor. But Percy’s sense of justice overcome the feeling of power, even if he likes it somehow.
5-I saw that a lot of ppl think Percy is a Slytherin because of the cunning thing. English is not my first language and I have never heard this word before. So I did some researches: cunning is another way to say “smart” “clever” “sly”. Is like being smart but in a malicious way (please correct me if I’m wrong!!). And they take as an example that part in the Mark of Athena, where’s Percy trick the enemy’s crew by inventing the story of the Diet Coke and Mister D. Or another one is Percy gets Luke to admit to all CHB that he poisoned Thalia’s tree. And others. All of this are valid proof but remember why Percy does it. We have to go deeper, not just looking on what he does but WHY he does it. And all the evidences I said to you above are connected to one point: his fatal flaw. He is cunning to protect his friends, he would do anything for them. Also, how long being cunning is a Slytherin thing? I think there’s a lot of misunderstandings about this. Being a Slytherin doesn’t mean you have to be cunning or whatever, and be an Hufflepuff doesn’t mean you have to be always kind. I’m really sad that we don’t have a GOOD Slytherin (Ik there’s Regulus, but we don't have so much informations about him) to compare with Percy, that would be awesome and constructive (J.K. take notes).
6- “He’s not patient, he can’t be an Hufflepuff.” Alright, so I assume who said this is because Percy has ADHD and dyslexia. Ehm...what? What’s this supposed to mean? Only because Percy is a trouble kid doesn’t mean he can’t be an Hufflepuff. I really hate this way of thinking. Now, patient is not just like “See the plant growing and never get boring or impatient because is too slow.” Being patient is more. Percy is patient? No, he isn’t. Due to his character, and his ADHD, Percy can’t be patient. But this is when it comes to manual and practical things, like fight, or when he plays on capture the flag or when he’s angry. Let’s analyse how is Percy in the relationships. Percy and Annabeth (I love them); at first it might seem that Percy isn’t patient with her: they argue a lot, they yell at each other and so on. But, in reality Percy is patient with her feelings (apart the Luke thing, Percy is so jealous), he never push her, he never ask to her anything on what she feels. Even when they’re engaged he says (in MoA) their relationship is like a little statue of glass and he was terrified of having scared her with his big (and lovely) plans. I think that being with Annabeth involves a LOT of patient.
His relationship with Nico: I mean, we all love Nico, but who doesn’t want to give him a slap after he lied to him in the SoN? I think Percy would love to do it (I’M KIDDING. NO DI ANGELO WILL BE HURT IN THIS BLOG). Percy is really patient with him, from the very start: remember all the questions Nico asks Percy? And he was so annoying, but Percy was patient with him. Another example: Percy and Tyson. We love Tyson, he’s like a big bear, but how annoying was with Percy and Grover? But Percy always stand by his side, never yell at him the way he really want, and he is really patient with him. I’m not saying that Percy is the perfect patient boy, but in some way Percy is patient too when he wants (Annabeth is less patient than him in my opinion).
Ok, I think I said all about this. I have a lot more to say but this is becoming a poem so i have to stop XD. I wish i could do just one post but it’d be extremely long so i will split in Part 1 and Part 2 this argument. In the next post I will say why Percy can’t be a Gryffindor :). There’s one more thing I want to say, and I think is really important. The house thing is sadly really restrictive. Rick Riordan’s characters have a complex psychology and are really well built. I think that see a character psychology only in relation to his house is wrong. For example, Percy is such more than what we said. But if we have to put him in a house we can’t look to all his peculiarities. It’s like a brainstorming: when I said Percy, I always think about his sarcasm, his loyalty, his bravery ecc. To put someone in a house of Hogwarts is necessary to go streight to the point, and analyze WHY he does something, not only what.
Thank you for reading this, I will appreciate it if you comment your opinion or if you reblog this. And remember: We’re not just a house. We’re more.
#percy jackson#hufflepuff#slytherin#hogwarts house#percy is an hufflepuff#percy hufflepuff#analysis#fatal flaw#argument
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i made a thread on twitter about this but i've been thinking about vanilla vs royal i cant handle how happy i am that royal has made ppl like akechi more, not just for "hes hot" reasons bc ppl love that but winning over reddit* folks who dislike many fanon takes for being too wooby,
not that i particularly care for Wooby bc ive been in fandom for ages and i like seeing ppl happy - i know theres a certain degree of allowance when it comes to twisting canon characterization for content, because you're the content creator, its in your hands and cmon-
but especially with royal i think akechi's serious edge "won over a lot of people" who can now respect him for how he approached refusing the dream world, i think thats something they can understand and appreciate - ESPECIALLY when a lot of ppl's beef with vanilla akechi was "daddy doesnt love me boo hoo" which is a GROSS misunderstanding/simplification of his EXTREMELY complex character, which was barely covered or etc bc of vanilla's horrid writing -- over all! its not JUST him - BUT, royal provided such a good opportunity to show off akechi's character, through giving him more screentime and VERY IMPORTANTLY: Plot Relevance like how, say mementos mission shows off joker's need to be helpful bc hes a deep-feeling person, or scramble showing off haru and makoto and the other thieves by drawing them against the new characters to compare and contrast and give them Time to BE, - royal gave akechi time to recover from the frankly AWFUL vanilla narrative decision to shoot and shove him off like chopped liver and never mention him again, so that many ppl's impression of akechi goro was of an incomprehensible, annoying character who blew up and then acted like he dont knowww know bodaay haghnaghnahgna
i joke but SERIOUSLY a bad first AND last impression, REALLY...
ahh. im just surprised !! every time someone says they like him or that they disliked him earlier but dont post-royal or etc etc it always takes me by surprise even after all this time !! it makes me very happy -though even as i focus on how happy i am that people like his character, even streamers talking about his ass (what ass... ... cindy thats bone) or etc- i shouldnt, but i still count it as a sort of win because my standards are so low ;-;.. i dont like sexualizing characters (of any gender or sexuality, dont worry ^-^'') but the point of it all is that the amount of stannery is .. stunning i think, from all ends of the fandom, when i think about how nervous vanilla felt to me. if im wording this all right.
-- that being said. obviously there are ppl who still dont like him, VEHEMENTLY, and everyone gets so passionate about him and everything that tension and fights erupt very very quickly - it makes me wonder what about royal didnt hit with them, but hit with other people, in a Genuinely Curious kind of way. not that im not suuper passionate about goroboying, because, i am !! royal makes me very happy and i stay out of fights as best as i can because i know, ACUTELY, how PAINFUL it is to have a hyperfixation broken. nauseous furious shaking heart aching - its heartbreak !! i'd rather die before i inflicted a pain like that on someone. + id rather remember something for the love i felt for it than the harm.
(though while i'm here, people who were in the "# p5r spoilers" tag remember what happened a little while ago shortly after royal jpn came out , though that's for a whole other post about the fascinating history/sociology of that particular event, 👁✨)
- its not about me having to choose between a lesser of two evils. thats not my point
no matter how intensely my heart is in it, i want to be able to say that you can feel how you feel about characters, though any misinformation sits badly with me in hyperfixation hell. funnily enough, while back on the topic of Agency, which goro is in some dire need of - which may be the root of why so many femme-presenting folk or lesbians are fond of him, + respecting women + sex workers + etc GORO AKECHI CAN BE SOMEONE SO PERSONAL ACTUALLY-
* - oh, backreading my own post - i didnt mean to specify redditors as if they're the only ppl i'm talking about, but it was the first to come to mind ; i'm just thinking a lot about how it seems like people really like the light royal was able to display him in, both as a delightfully entertaining UNHINGED EDGELORD and a very focused, goal-oriented, respectable ally, to the point that people are MUCH more open about how much they love him nowadays, which does bring me no end of joy - its no surprise that the new appreciation, as well as atlus ... highlighting ..... aspects ...... of blask ...... and the new content, of course the fandom treats him like this, - thats fandom. this is how people do i suppose. from a witness' viewpoint. hdngngm
i see all i know all 👁 i will keep all of my opinions right here and then one day i will die. but. i'll be honest. despite everything. im actually really happy.
#don't mind me#persona 5#p5r spoilers#i mean to post more here ! the app is just slow and saddening#oops! left out 5 tweets. edited in now
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OKAY. So, I wasn’t gonna dignify this with an answer, but I’m feeling super good and starting my vacation and have few things to lose tbh. I blocked you, but you’ll find a way back if you feel this is really worth it.
You certainly found it worth it enough to slap that anon button to insult me and dress it up as idk ?? being helpful & even kind in your mind?? If you followed my fics, you know the nasty msgs I get monthly so why would I take a personal jab as from a good place? Why would anyone mean to act “holier than thou” ???? Telling me you’re not coming from a bad place....yet you still went anon bc you knew how this read. Hm. Anyways....to answer, I’ll just unpack this neatly:::
1) ???? When did I say ANY of that even in a talk down/negative context??? lmao I even searched my asks trying to find myself being this rude. Slide into my DMs and let me know bc from my POV, you’re blatantly misreading something or making it up?? I’m confused and of course, I’d never want to come across any kind of way like that! If I ever mention young ppl, I mean actual teenagers in fandom spaces that adults get nasty interacting with. Ppl in their 20s/30s+ really need to be mindful about interacting with ppl under 18 and attacking them or being creepy and inappropriate with them/their content. Don’t twist my words.
Ppl who write thin OCs still get hate on their fics lmao, I did. But they don’t get constant hate generally based on their size or race. ((Also like...we’re all aware of fatphobia & racism in fandom and what types of OCs/characters are targets for that...esp if they’re being paired with favs... Writers of color are absolutely also allowed their frustrations with racism in fandom spaces btw too. Do not talk over them. Just listen and be aware. Do your best.))
2) I absolutely DO NOT think I’m better or “more moral/braver” than any other writer on here wtf, I consider myself even “still young” and learning... I’m in my 20s, I’m not a fandom gma trying to police anyone??? As long as you’re living your best life, surrounded by the best content YOU want, go tf off, sis!!! We’re all in a pandemic here trying to get by.
Writing is always a growing process and we’re doing it for free, it’s not perfect and always is a skill that gets better as we do it. I try not to compare myself to others, my fics are mine and that’s IT. I’m allowed to be proud of what I’ve created and I encourage all writers to do the same. A lot of writers are happy and patting themselves on the back for what they created but I’m NOT taking digs or doing it cause I think I’m some brave crusader on a mission. I’m too tired for that bull. I don’t get/want cool points for anything. Have you sent these concerns to any one else for doing the same??? Or are you irked I’m trying to uplift MY fat character?? That I get constant hate for??? More reflection for you.
3) I’ve been incredibly supportive of OCs of all shapes and sizes. I’ve gotten asks shading thin/white “model” ocs and only ever preached patience and support to all oc writers bc it’s never right to bring someone down to lift someone else up. It’s never right to shame a writer not hurting anyone. All OCs are good OCs. That’s the point I always make!! Writing is hard. Finding face claims is hard. Making whole ass humans for a fictional world is hard. So, I’m constantly posting/replying to be open and understanding with writers, whatever they do. It’s their fic. Their characters. Their choices. All OCs are valid.
No one is obligated to make a specific type of OC, just make the OCs you want to see. I don’t think it’s right to hate or shade ANY writer/OC and I make it clear in asks that try to suggest otherwise. Maybe go reread them before slapping that brave anon button again to come from ‘a good place.’
4) Evie is ONE of FIVE OCs I’ve written on this account. And the only plus size OC of them too so IDK why I’d ever act ‘holier than thou’ about a SINGLE OC when the numbers are 1 of 5 here... I’m not gifting the fandom the gift of me, I’m just writing content I enjoy. I’m gifting it to my damn self. There’s no crusade. There’s no BIG STATEMENT UWU. She’s not some political piece, y’all can be so dehumanizing with that toward fat characters or characters of color. Just let them exist proudly. If you don’t like it maybe they’re really not for you!
Evie’s literally just a character I created that I adore. Fat characters exist and they can be whatever we writers want. If people feel represented by her, I think that’s amazing and I so so appreciate when I’m told. It’s a special thing to see yourself represented when you never do in fandom or mainstream spaces!! She represents parts of me too that I’m still learning to love. But if not, I’m sure she’s still relatable. She has a whole personality beyond being a plus size girl bc being fat is not her defining trait. We absolutely should encourage more positive diversity in fandom, esp in main characters. Everyone of all sizes writing about what they look like is awesome! We agree on that point!
5) Evie is one of five ocs. Again. I’ve gotten hate messages and passive aggressive comments for all three of my big fics. Evie has ONLY EVER gotten hate for her size and race. She’s gotten a LOT. ((sometimes her eating disorder, but that’s another issue)) And yeah, it doesn’t shock me. It’s too transparent. People who relate to her don’t deserve that shame either.
I hadn’t even started posting the actual fic before I got my first hate msg about her being an “oc reach bc billy hates fat chicks” whatever. So I think I’m allowed to defend and stan her that much harder and her role in this fic. I think I’m allowed to gush about how much I love her story against all the disgusting hate she gets. I’m not apologizing for that. Me loving Evie super hard has nothing to do with anyone else’s OC. It’s not a mission. It’s not a dig. She’s mine.
**So no, anon, I don’t think I’m doing any big, in your face, public service with my ONE plus size oc. I don’t think I’m better. I think I’m just creating content for myself to enjoy. If others enjoy it too, awesome!! If not, they’ll find something else to enjoy. It’s a big space with lots of amazing writers, I can even direct you to a few!!! I’m happy to do that!! ****If I really had an issue with white or skinny ocs....I wouldn’t be writing them myself which I DO. I wouldn’t be supporting my fellow writers who also write them!!
So you’ll excuse me if I don’t believe that you actually support Evie or me or my fics. All this message served to do was dwindle an author’s excitement for her OC and accomplishments. And you didn’t do that. I’ll try even harder to support fellow writers around me tho!! ^_^
If this is a big misunderstanding bc you misreading asks that I’ve gotten or you misread my tone or remarks anywhere, that’s really not my issue either. IDK, maybe I’m popping off too much too, but this accusation is truly mean-spirited. I know things don’t always translate over the internet well, but I’ve been openly loving and supportive to fellow friends and authors despite anything that’s been said. Even through laundry lists of passive aggressive and hateful messages about my stories since my first fic took off. I’ve seen friends get hate too and I can’t stand that they have to deal with that. They SHOULD be proud of their works always.
I know I don’t deserve them and I know I don’t deserve this either. I know who I am at the end of the day and I know what I put into the world and I know that my fics are mine first. I know my truth and I hope you know yours behind that anon button.
So, thank you for your concerns but please drop them somewhere else and have a wonderful day enjoying the free content we put out. Support your favorite writers and encourage all writers to keep doing what they love and getting better at it! Thanks!!! xoxo :)))
#anon hate#plus size ocs#sis...aren't we tired?#ya girl is feral now and anyways I love Evie and her story and her character.#reply#ask#anon
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Well I’m sorry you took it the wrong way. It was a rather passive aggressive answer but sure I’ll take it. Maybe I deserved it. When I said you were “manipulating” us it wasn’t literal. I didn’t expect you to mainly focus on that word. I meant it in a way that you’ve given so many hints but we still have no foundations. It’s like it has such a solid skin but inside it’s empty. (Not entirely nor literally, obviously, what I mean is that main events seems to be kind of missing) If it’s a slow burn story it is a slow burn story. It is what it is. We’ll wait. I did say it was worth waiting because it is a well written story, conceptually. It sort of became repetitive, that’s why to wait for so long to see so few of a difference was bit of a disappointment but that’s a personal opinion. I tried to keep it light hearted but I guess you could only focus on the cons. It’s okay. By the way I love the smut bits, I did say that. Thought it took too much of the story that’s it. Since it’s a slow burn story I’ll come back in a year when you’re halfway through the story so it will be a win win. This isn’t sarcasm btw. I mean it. I will enjoy the story more when I can just read without having to wait and you’ll take as much as of the time you need. You see I just asked maybe you could update a little more. You definitely don’t have to do anything to “please” me. It’s not asking for a personal favor, I’m sure everyone would like more updates maybe just for different reasons. I asked some of the stuff genuinely to wanting to know how you plan your stories as an author. I’m sorry that you felt attacked. Maybe I should’ve chosen my words more wisely. Well you told me to f off yet I appreciate that you did it kindly. xx
I didn’t take it the wrong way, I think anyone reading that ask would have the same reaction like I had (or very similar, correct me if I’m wrong). It wasn’t my intention to sound passive aggressive, I was just simply reacting to your ask because to be honest, it did hurt me a little. Your first half of ask is saying something and then the other one is almost denying it all. It’s not like I mainly focused on the word “manipulating” but yeah, I don’t think this word that you used is the right one. This is what I meant when I posted a post couple of days ago, saying how ppl should think before they send you an ask/message. I reacted the best way possible, the best way I’m capable of and I was trying to be respectful as much as I can be, because I respect your opinion and feedback. In no way I told you to fuck off, the only thing I said was that I’m not forcing anyone to read my story. I guess, I just don’t understand why it was necessarily to write me something like that. Again, I appreciate your feedback, I just don’t quite understand what did you expect me to do with that information. I’m sorry that the story isn’t going the way you like, but it is going the way I like and honestly, I love it. We all can’t love the same thing and that’s okay. Another thing is, that I think there’s a good balance between storyline (finding out new things; like the fact Kiko cheated) and smut, which you just told that you love but think that it’s taking too much of the story. One half of the whole storyline is them being intimate together, he’s helping her with her sexual desires while she’s helping him by being his fake girlfriend. That’s the main plot of it all, and I’m sorry but there’s gonna be a lot of sex (understandably). I did read your whole ask (three times to be exact, trying to understand it and not have a heated reaction or something... before I give my response). “You see I just asked maybe you could update a little more” you wrote, I’m trying to update at least once a week and there are times when I update twice or three times a week. It depends how motivated I feel, that’s why I don’t have any schedule in the first place. I’m writing a story on wattpad meanwhile I’ve got a huge blog where I write many other stories. I did read the whole ask, like I said, and I read that part when you said you love the story and all the good stuff. And I appreciate that, I’m sorry that it looked like I focused on cons. I guess your good words didn’t put that much weight when you denied everything in the first half and then wrote something else. I think this whole ask is a big misunderstanding, but if you ever want to give your constructive critism to any other author, please think it through and don’t ask them for more updates and tell them how the story should be, and what bothers you because writers mainly write a story they enjoy and like. That’s a bit disrespectful of you in my opinion. No matter how many times your following words will be something along the lines how much you love the story, it’ll lost its true meaning. And again, I really hope I don’t sound mean or mad, because I am not. I’m simply just reacting to your words and surely, I can take some critism. I’m just wondering, what kind of reaction you wanted me to have? I’m genuinely confused, mostly about what you were thinking when you were writing the first ask. Did you think I’d change the story? Or explain why it’s going the way it is? My answer to that is, that I don’t know but I love the way it’s going and that nothing is rushed and quick just because readers are curious. Maybe you should read the story when it’s fully completed, just like you said. If you just wanted to know how I plan my stories, maybe you shouldn’t have said you feel manipulated and all that stuff that I’m not going back to. I really hope you won’t take this the wrong way, I still appreciate you for reading my story and I thank you for that! I respect your words and I hope it doesn’t look like I don’t, I just wanted to explain myself and my story. I hope you’ll try to understand me and my words.
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i'm asking out of a place of wanting to understand, so please don't assume i am accusing you or attacking you, but regarding a post you reblogged recently, it was an ask where templeofshame claimed that if dnp weren't together it would be kind of like "baiting" us but i really don't think that's fair? they haven't EVER said or pretended to be in a closeted relationship, only been friends that joke a bit about their occasionally romantic tendencies, i have friends who think me pt.1
this ask is long due to there being several messages, so i’m putting it under a cut. the post in question: x
me and my best friend are together when we’re really not. we’ve said so, but eventually just stopped denying the claim while occasionally joking about it. i think its unfair of us to act like they owe us something? they don’t owe us a “coming out” (i agree with op tho that coming out has issues of it own, but its the most relevant term) neither do they have to tell us if they aren’t together.
however we perceive their relationship is our business, and as long as we aren’t toxic about it pt. 2 then really we shouldn’t care about ppl calling us “silly shippers” cause shipping them isn’t weird or rude, i, myself, truly believe they are together, but i don’t think that they owe us anything. they are real people with their own complex lives that we may not understand, heck, that THEY may not understand and they are just living their truth. for whatever reason, they may feel that they don’t want to tell people that they’re in a relationship (if they are in one) pt. 3but neither do they feel the need to (and in my opinion, shouldn’t feel the need to) explain and clarify their status to us.
it isn’t in any way baiting or manipulation. if we decide to invest our lives and our time into writing fanfics and making art then that is our choice! they are obviously fine with it so long as it isn’t shoved in their faces, but they don’t owe us clarification, maybe i’m misunderstanding something, i just don’t think it’s fair to say that they are being manipulative pt.4simply by being themselves?
they are their own people with their own reasons for keeping private or not telling us. they have never pretended like phan is real, have even denied it in the past, never made merch or something that has catered to shippers specifically. they have simply let us be (even if dan was quite rude about it before, but i believe he has improved a lot over the years) and made some quips about it. they choose to share parts of their lives with us and however pt5 the phandom reacts to that is our “issue”.
in summary, i believe that it is unfair to say that if they aren’t together it means we have been baited and manipulated and “wasted our time” because i really don’t think that’s fair to the good times we have had while shipping them. they are real people that owe us nothing about their private lives and can hide or reveal as much or as little as they want. i do believe that some people DO “queerbait” irl, especially ytbrs, but dnp have never pt.6acted fake or overly romantic to seem like they’re in love, their bond, in my opinion is genuine, and whatever we read into that is valid, but it doesn’t mean that they owe us an explanation.
i think i should end this now, but before i go, know that i do NOT intend this to be a dig at anyone, just wanted to share my perspective and ask your opinion about what i’ve just shared. i just see ppl acting like dnp could qb us and it kind of makes me think. have a nice day, take care, peace out! end
ooof anon, i appreciate that you sent this to me, but i’m really not the right person for it! i’m not one of the smart people in this fandom, nor one of the cool ones, so discussing things with me over anon is not as fun and rewarding as sending an ask to one of the popular people haha. but i’ll reply with my thoughts anyway!
we’ve had discussions about this on IDB before and my opinion hasn’t changed since the last time i said anything on this subject.
TO BEGIN WITH: i in no way believe they are consciously encouraging the shipping to make money. they are two people in a long term relationship that navigate a difficult world of being queer, being popular and trying to stay private.
1) “me and my friend” - while i definitely appreciate and understand that, we have to try to not compare dnp to ourselves if we want to make a proper point. i could say that me and my friend x haven’t talked in 2 years but i still consider them a friend, which doesn’t mean that it’s the norm for everyone - same goes for the “me and my friend” arguments concerning dnp. i don’t mean you necessarily, i mean things i’ve seen over the years. “me and my friend always say i love you! we live together! we spend all our time together! we’re platonic!” - that’s awesome but it doesn’t mean anything about dnp
2) i don’t think @templeofshame acted like dnp owe us anything. i took it more as like at this point, dnp admitting to having been platonic this whole time (lol i’m laughing while typing this) would have been a form of queerbaiting. templeofshame never said they owe us a “coming out” or anything like that
3) you have to remember that their audience is largely queer. to a lot of the younger fans, they are some sort of role models and maybe even eye-openers when it comes to their [fans’] own sexuality. they are most likely aware of this and definitely accept it.
4) the biggest thing i guess i should explain is why i believe that them having been platonic this whole time would have been some form of queerbaiting and… and there is no way to put it while still being nice? so forgive me, this is my opinion and i’m not trying to start drama.
they DEFINITELY benefit off phan. they have since the start (or at least dan). back in their younger days, people didn’t really ship them as much as assume they were a couple, that’s how they behaved and most people would jump to that conclusion. when shit hit the fan (vday + general life stress) and dan started lashing out, shipping got real hard. and dnp could have left it there, could have left shipping as that elephant in the room that we’re not allowed to mention, but no
slowly, gradually, they went back to accepting shipping. they haven’t denied anything in years and in many ways they encourage it. and really, no one will make me believe that they - as in the joint brand of dan and phil - would be as popular as they are without the shipping. lots of people watch them for their chemistry and hear of them through phan. they themselves no longer shy away from it - see tatinof fanfic scenes, their fanfics in tabinof, all sorts of things i’m too tired to mention - lots of recent things from this year.
so yeah, i believe they are very aware of phan and accept it, and if they accepted it while being two bros in ~other relationships~ or ~perpetually single~ then yeah, i would feel it’s wrong. not because they said something outright but because 9+ years of certain behaviors are as good as admitting to it.
they are basically out at this point, both as not being straight and being a couple, and i’m happy they got there on their own terms.
bottomline - i firmly believe they’re together and all that is missing is an actual confirmation - which we don’t ‘need’ - but if they weren’t together, we’d be right to be upset by this point.
idk if this answered your ask but i’m really tired and as i said, i’m dumb so you’re better off asking someone cooler than me hah :)
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I’m going to preface this by saying I love you both, and I’m going to try to refrain from making blanket statements and stick to what I’m feeling, by saying specifically that I feel this way or it seems like something. Feelings aren’t always accurate, of course. The only thing I’ll make statements on is what my therapist has told me as fact; and I’m only putting so much weight in what was pointed out to me strictly because it directly echoes the things my previous 3 therapists have taught me. It leads me to believe this single therapist isn’t randomly really off base. And something I have always valued my entire life is understanding other people, and growth. So this text is more about me coming into an understanding of the bigger picture, seeing areas where growth can happen, where growth has happened, and to explain my thought process in conjunction with my therapy plan this last year. This isn’t an attack by any means even if I do get emotional. Nor is this a woe is me, I’m not in the wrong at all letter - you guys had every opportunity to express your issues with me. I’m simply asking for the time and respect to have my feelings heard out.
Long story short: my therapist pointed out ways that you two have been breaching my boundaries, doing triangulation and black & white thinking, attempting to manipulate me, and showing a pattern for devaluing and discarding. I don’t believe you guys are doing it on purpose, or even aware of it, I think you’re doing what you think is right - unfortunately it’s not healthy. I was completely unaware of it and how much it’s been effecting me. If you’re not interested in hearing what I have to say about how this has been hurting me, and likely poorly explaining what my therapist saw that I didn’t, then don’t read any further I guess. Honestly with how you guys have been acting recently, I don’t expect to be heard out with an open mind and understanding of compassionate heart. I expect you guys to take something I say in here out of context/misunderstand it, and run with it; but maybe that’s my trauma history with a specific toxic ex friend causing me to be scared.
I’m hurt, and have been hurt for some time now. It didn’t make sense to me, and all I kept telling my therapists was “my friends are looking out for me/want the best for me.”
My therapist and I were discussing my recent stint of ‘should I leave kyle’ feelings while I was deep in PTSD mode these last couple months, and she asked me ‘it seems like we keep coming back to this from time to time, why do you consider it?’ And of course, I replied with my list of issues I’ve had with him. She then asked me like what all has he done in response, has he done this or that blah blah. And I’m like okay here’s how the convos go, he’s really stubborn and frustrating and defensive sometimes, he struggles seeing things from other ppls perspectives, this is how the convos go after talking to therapist about it, this is how he realizes things, this is what he does to implement what we talked about. And my therapist goes, “well, what else can he do? Thats a pretty healthy response” and how all we can do as people is learn and put effort into correcting it for next time. I’m like. Oh, idk then. And she asks me something along the lines of, “So do we think you keep coming back to this question because you’re scared, or do you feel pressured in some way to break things off?” And I go “I mean yeah maybe I’m scared to be vulnerable and trust someone is actually putting effort in to be better for me instead of just saying words like my ex, but my friends don’t like him, don’t think he’s a good person, and it’s effecting how they view me.”
My therapist was taken aback, to say the least.
So we spent some sessions going over how you guys have responded and acted since the very start. Previously I’ve only ever focused on Kai and what he did wrong and how it bothered me, and she would suggest how to approach it in a discussion and the talks would go well and she would be like yeah he responded like a healthy adult after the original disagreement. We never really talked about you guys, because I never really saw much issues. I genuinely believed you guys cared about me and wanted only what was best for me. Maybe you guys believed that too. Maybe you guys do, but your approach has been..less than ideal, to put it lightly. Actively harmful, to put it how my Therapist said.
Things have been obviously stressed between us for some time now. I’ve been feeling it probably since nov, definitely December. told myself you guys were maybe busy and going through stuff, especially at first with the holidays, that maybe you were feeling like I was being off and distant first, so I was patient and put more effort into talking to you guys and letting you know how much you meant to me. It felt like it got better for a bit, only to resurface a few more times. I’ve cried about it plenty, I sucked it up because I know it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to make me feel better or give me reassurance and I’m trying to be more emotionally self sufficient, even though a couple times I broke down and asked for it from you guys. I didn’t want to be a burden. I however didn’t realize I was scared to confront you guys and express how I was feeling and why.
At this point, I don’t feel like you guys like me. As a friend, or a person for that matter. I’ve known since like nov/dec yall were talking without me present, you stopped interacting with my on fb for the most part even after Ez got back from post block, you guys made plans to hangout with me repeatedly. It sucked, I tried to not read into it because of COURSE that’s okay. But there was a reason for it and it kept eating at me. I know why, or at least I know some of it. I might not be privy to everything you guys have felt, because you don’t communicate that with me. Maybe you’re scared, too. Maybe you feel like nothing you say will get through to me. Maybe you’ve been done with me and you’re just doing that thing Ez does where they...kinda basically ghost the person instead of talking about what the person did that upset them, and wait for the person to stop sending them PMs. Apparently, this is considered part of the silent treatment. I didn’t know that. Color me surprised. I’m assuming it’s because confrontation is scary, but only you can look inside yourself and question if there’s an underlying feeling of maintaining control in some way that goes along with it that you haven’t admitted to yourself yet.
I know the original stressor was Halloween, when permission was given to touch some butts and Kai said something really fucking insensitive he shouldn’t have. His opinion wasn’t needed. All because he’s used to jealous people and he didn’t want me to think he was into Ez or enjoying touching their ass that much, after they had flirted before. I literally couldn’t care less even if you guys had hooked up, it’s a nice butt, enjoy it. It’s not an excuse, but it’s the reason for his comment that hurt you. I understand his mental process, I do not accept it, and he accepts he fucked up.
Since the Stressor in our “friendship” has been Kai, and your guys’ response to that stressor and your actions toward me has been what my therapist has the issue with, I’m unfortunately going to have to go over some things that do include him. I hope you read it over from a place of wanting to understand me, and how I don’t understand why, and not feeling like it’s an attack that you need to get defensive over, or like I’m defending him. I’m not, maybe it has felt that way though. Maybe there’s been a misunderstanding between us in that regard.
Was it shitty? Yes. Should he have apologized? Absolutely. I still believe he should, personally, because I think everyone should get an apology whenever the people are ready. You guys probably don’t agree, which is fine. Regardless, from what my therapist has said: That journey to apologizing is his, not mine. What he needs to go through to work up the nerve to face someone is his. Not mine. He wasn’t at a place where he could face his embarrassment and give the apology he owed. Does it say something about where he was at as a person then? Yes of course. Does it affect our relationship to this day? Of course.
Ez immediately told me that it hurt their feelings and they were crying! I was fuming, and couldn’t not say something, and talked to him about hurting my friends feelings. I blindsided him, and he was embarrassed and got defensive. Something my therapist pointed out that he needs to work on, and he is. It almost ended that night because that’s how much Ez meant to me, but my therapist told me: their relationship is not yours. Friends having a falling out has nothing to do with me.
Ez you never reached out to him to address the fact you were hurt, and I only asked clarification so I wasn’t assuming or in case Kai lied to me. As my therapist said, if such were the case: you inadvertently triangulated and turned me into a mediator in that moment whether you meant to or not. You confided in me knowing me well enough to know I was going to have to say something. Previously when you guys were at odds with eachother, I had already talked with my therapist and then expressed and set the boundary with both of you that I was done mediating, that it’s toxic for me and something I need to unlearn. My therapist said to stop mediating completely prior to the Halloween thing. Teaching me that people’s friendships are their own and completely separate to their friendships/relationships with me. You guys didn’t need to be friends in order to have friendships/relationships with me (I appreciated the effort on your part, of course). Essentially, you guys were adults, it was your guys’ to figure out. Confront him. If he was a whole douchebag and a half when he was confronted by the person he hurt, I’d have ended it right then and there. My therapist pointed out how probably unintentionally, you disrespected my boundary - and that this was classic triangulation. Eye opener for me, I didn’t think anything you had done was wrong. And part of it is my fault, I shouldn’t have said anything to Kai because it wasn’t my place nor my responsibility to inform him that he had hurt your feelings, it was yours. He would have been completely unaware that what he said hurt your feelings, I didn’t even think anything of it until you told me it hurt you.
Then you guys told me in I think November he still hadn’t apologized, meaning Ez was upset he never gave you the respect of an apology, which leads my therapist to speculate you must have wanted or expected one, otherwise why get so upset and handle this convo how you did. Wanted/expected an apology despite not communicating to him you were hurt and would like one - my therapist takes yet another issue with this lack of communication and putting me in the middle. You should have gotten one, of course. You and Alexa then brought up all these hypotheticals (which let me know you guys had been discussing it outside of the group chat, which was fine, but the start of some hurtful stuff) that made me angry with him and put me into super anxiety mode - what if he does really terrible hurtful even abusive things to me and doesn’t even think it’s important to apologize! I remember it so clearly, I was sitting at his DND during our convo and didn’t want him to even touch me. It was hard to breathe, I went to the bathroom to cry. You guys encouraged me to break it off with him. Apparently, this was capitalizing on my trauma history. A discussion happens between Kyle and I regarding this topic, he says how he wants to apologize in person and all this shit and I angrily inform him it’s too late, he majorly fucked up and waited too long to ever have a chance of repairing that. He apparently assumed from that there was no point and that Ez didn’t want to hear from him. He thought giving them space was the best option because he had hurt them so bad without meaning. That’s on him.
Because Ez you never went TO him. That’s on you.
You have no idea how much of a hot button topic this is in my relationship and how I hold it against him. How it’s a really blazingly red learning curve for him, that he could still lose me over it if at any point I decide I decide it’s too much.
I remember not too long after that talk, Ezra then made a “I thought we were breaking up with him” comment when I didn’t end things after a talk with my therapist at the time. It made me feel...weird. Something was wrong, and I didn’t know what it was. But now I understand that the whole conversation, capitalizing on my trauma history, making me scared of all the hypothetical what if’s, making me scared of the guy I was seeing, was pressuring me to leave him. I’m not sure if you guys even realize that or not? Like it was maybe entirely unintentional...but maybe deep down it wasn’t. You guys made some blanket statements at the time eluding to ‘he’s not a good person’ (I have zero idea if Ez was the one saying that in private chats first, or if Alexa was telling Ez that his actions made him a bad person - you guys know the answer to that between yourselves). I reasoned with myself that you were looking out for me, that you wanted the best for me, and so you were worried. I genuinely believed that, and took this as a show of love from my friends. Even if it were true, it doesn’t take away from the fact that it wasn’t okay.
Ez, you probably feel like I chose sides. You did with Isaac, for good reason. If Kai had assaulted you, or he had done this on purpose to hurt you, I absolutely would have ended things right then and there, and if it ever does come out that it was intentional with the motive to hurt you, I would end it. But he hurt your feelings on a supposed accident because he doesn’t think through what he says all the time and didn’t want me to be jealous. That’s not an excuse, it’s a reason for a mistake that he’s taking to heart and working on, because it’s a huge issue for him. You don’t have to believe it or trust him, he’s hurt you. It was stupid and insensitive. The thing is, I wasn’t mediating, I wasn’t ‘picking sides,’ it was your guys’ semi-friendship to sort out and communicate through and end if the damage was too much. It was personal between you two. Maybe you feel hurt and betrayed because I didn’t choose ‘your side,’ I don’t know. If you do, I’m sorry. Alexa if you see me not choosing Ez’s side as a betrayal, it would make sense the way you’ve felt/acted towards me, betrayal is a big trigger for you, and maybe you have a belief that only bad people betray. Idk, I always try to think of what reasons others have for the way they’re feeling/acting and take their stuff into account. Reasons for people’s actions are important to me. Understanding what’s going through their head is important to me.
But it’s something my therapist takes issue with again: picking sides, and/or wanting your friends to pick sides between personal fights is extremely unhealthy. Like, it’s toxic to expect that out of your friend. This was a thought I had had back then as a possibility, but I brushed it off. But, asking someone to pick sides in scenario’s like this is a part of triangulation and Black and White Thinking, apparently. Making blanket statements and labeling someone as a ‘bad person’ is part of Black and White Thinking. It’s a defensive strategy (sometimes due to being raised in a narcissistic abusive environment) but many people do it without realizing it’s an issue. Mentally ill people with a trauma history (gang gang) tend to do it the most. These are often actions that are normalized by abusers to their children and/or victims who then inherit the normalized habits without realizing that it’s wrong. I know from experience, and I had to unlearn wanting/expecting people to pick sides or putting labels on people instead of their actions and thinking of them as ‘bad people’ or ‘shitty people’ or ‘against me.’ These weren’t even cohesive thoughts I had, but I realized they were beliefs I held in my body over time in therapy. It’s toxic. One that reminds me all too well of my mom honestly. I still struggle with b&w thinking, but usually on the opposite end of the spectrum, seeing people as good despite their faults and making excuses for things that they never put effort into getting better, both SOs and friends. I’m learning to set boundaries and I need to expect them to be respected, but my boundary of not being mediator wasn’t. Ez told me so that in a way I would inform Kai whether they realize it or not, because they expected an apology and got more upset that they didn’t receive one when they didn’t reach out to him themself, immediately turning me into the mediator. That wasn’t fair to me, and it wasn’t fair to expect me to pick a side when it was a personal thing. Of course it made me view him differently. It also made me view Ez a little differently, but again I tried to brush that off. You guys were looking out for me, is all. You guys care about me, that’s all
Triangulation and B&W Thinking, being a huge way narcissists deal with things, and realizing you guys were doing that even a tiny bit is probably triggering and this is where I start getting emotional and jumbled. I grew up with it my whole life, my mom going to my siblings to talk about me and get validation from them when I did something to upset her, or her coming to me to talk about my siblings or a family member and get validation from me when they did something to upset her. Because she thinks in b&w and immediately labels people as bad and wants everyone else within close proximity to her to agree with her. You’re either with, or against her. It’s 100% unhealthy. She turned siblings and family against eachother. It’s usually not a conscious choice to do it, and most people aren’t aware they’re doing it.
Some people even have Core Belief System that makes them think that this is normal and right to label someone after a mistake, or choose sides, etc. Core Beliefs vary, they’re often times stuff we learned in childhood that we have to unlearn as adults, like negative self talk. Kai and I have done some exercises evaluating his Core Belief systems and which ones are immediately unhealthy, and it was such a huge eye opener for him. I know when I started therapy, learning about the Grey Area blew my whole fucking mind and flipped the world upside down.
Honestly, I’ve stopped talking about Kyle much at all because your guys’ response is: no response if it’s something cute or positive he did, or you try to convince me I should end things, that I seem to want to end things, or that he’s a bad person when I’m frustrated. Or you say I’m making excuses for him when I explain what’s going on and what he’s become self aware of and has started working on, or tell me I’m doing too much when I explain what conversations we’ve had and how it’s progressing to better understanding and a plan to make it better in the future. Everything since Nov/Dec has been negative when I’ve tried, so I stopped unless I was at my wits end and couldn’t talk to my therapist first. I don’t tell you about all the ins and outs of our conversations we have after getting advice from my therapist, I don’t tell you how he literally does everything my therapist says a healthy person should do in specific circumstances. You only want to see and convince me of the negative. Which means, you guys have actually been manipulative in that aspect, and I’m not sure you guys realize it.
An example that stood out to me was when Ezra attempted to tell me, on I think two occasions, that him being jealous AT ALL is toxic and grounds to leave him. If you genuinely believe this, then this is a Core Belief you have about the word and it’s actually not correct. Jealousy is not inherently toxic, it doesn’t mean the relationship ‘is doomed’ or thst you need to get rid of it immediately, it is a normal human emotion. It depends on how your jealousy manifests and what you do/act on/how you communicate through it and work on it that makes it toxic or a healthy interaction. Every step of the way Kai has communicated through his insecurities and any jealousy he has had in a healthy way. But I feel like this isn’t one of your Core Beliefs ez, because you’ve straight up been jealous of him in the past and have felt jealousy in general, because you’re human and it’s normal to feel from time to time. I’m not sure if you’re struggling with self-shame for feeling jealous at times in your life, but it also feels like projection on your part. Regardless it was manipulative of you to try to tell me that and encourage me to leave the person you don’t like.
Something I noticed, especially after my therapist started pointing out some of this stuff, is how you guys kind of...blacklist people when they do something you don’t like. It made sense to me when it was something that hurt yall, but it was still a trend. I explained a handful of instances I watched this happen, and my therapist pointed out the Devaluing and Discarding that takes place each time, alongside some triangulation and b&w thinking. And like, I get it, because I’ve lived it, dealt with it, been in therapy for years discussing it and undoing it, unlearning habits I picked up from childhood and trauma defense mechanisms. Someone does something wrong, that you guys don’t like it don’t approve of, and you talk about them and make broad generalizations about them, get petty, cut them off or ghost them, and you feel justified because of what they did while you put a Label on them. Of course you’re allowed to feel how you feel, you’re allowed to not like whoever for whatever reason, but you guys (and I say this broadly bc I don’t know who’s the one doing it and who’s encouraging it?) do it to a degree that’s unhealthy to my therapist. I’m not perfect either, I’m not saying I am, so don’t put words in my mouth or assume that’s what I’m saying. I’m saying I’ve noticed a trend with you guys. And frankly I was naive to think you wouldn’t do it to me after watching you guys do it to a handful of people.
Something I’ve learned in therapy over the years is that yes feelings are always valid, but they aren’t always accurate, or correct. I’m not gaslighting you and saying your feelings are somehow wrong, its just a fact about feelings. And this is often what leads people into b&w thinking, and devaluing. Have your feelings been right at times? Of course, and these defense mechanisms protect you from getting hurt again by someone, especially someone who’s shown they’re not on your side or they disrespect you. People will talk, and without realizing it make generalizations and put labels on others together, thus convincing the friend group to side with them. The “bad” person, who is a perceived threat is ‘not trustworthy/safe’ anymore, starts to get left out. They’re no longer considered, they no longer receive any understanding or empathy. Often everything they do is now judged with a ‘they have bad intentions/are being a bad person’ view. This NARCISSISTIC triangulation. It’s part of the Devaluing process. It’s an unhealthy, toxic, and harmful defense mechanism so you won’t be hurt by the target again. And if you can’t tell you’ve started doing it to me, idk how to open your eyes to that habit of yours.
There’s a difference between personal and DANGEROUS. Kyle hurt ezra’s feelings, he made a mistake and didn’t make it right, thus its personal between the two of you. He wasn’t immediately dangerous like You Know Who, who had assaulted Ezra.
A big problem is you guys have started Devaluing me; it’s not that it feels like it, you guys are. It’s been going on for a long time and I didn’t realize how bad or toxic it was until it was pointed out to me. I have become the new target, the new ‘bad person’ because I didn’t agree with you guys or give in to... manipulation? How fucking sad is that, I was defending you guys for so long, meanwhile you’ve been actively disrespecting me, ignoring my boundaries, and hurting me. Triangulating further within a new group chat, I’m sure.
Because you’re hurt and upset by my action of not choosing a side? Or not leaving him when you thought I should? Of making so-called excuses for him (there’s a difference between listing reasons for what lead someone to making a mistake that they’re working on, vs listing excuses for actions they made with zero effort and intention to work on - something I learned in therapy that my therapist reiterated to me when I was concerned that maybe I was making excuses for Kai. Him not apologizing excluded, that was done and too long to make right, so he’s putting effort into working on confronting people when he does something wrong so he never does it again, hence working on it). Maybe you feel like I actually chose his side, which is so not true - we just communicated over and over again through the issues his shitty actions caused between him and I. You can feel hurt, it’s so valid, and I’m sorry if I ever did anything to ever hurt either of you that I don’t realize or make you feel unimportant. However it genuinely feels like that it’s over me not doing something that is inherently unhealthy, and you guys have responded in a really toxic way...while at one point trying to convince me Kyle is the sole toxic one. You see how wrong that is?
We all are unhealthy in some way. We’ve all got our shit. I’m thankful to have been in therapy going on 6 years now and have gotten perspectives from multiple different therapists. I’m not perfect and I’m still learning and working on my unhealthy habits, there’s things I could have done better - and that’s okay. It doesn’t make me bad because I wasn’t perfect. Mistakes don’t make people bad just because it wasn’t ideal or perfect. You’re not inherently bad for reacting in toxic ways due to your childhood, either. Even if you guys read this and scoff and get defensive and put words in my mouth or misconstrue what I’m saying in order to support your Core Belief system that I must be the bad person who’s solely in the wrong, I still dont think you’re bad people deep down. Obviously you’d be not ready to give yourself a long hard look and work on yourselves if that WAS the case, but whether you do or don’t isnt my business, it’s your personal journey.
Yet you guys think I’m shitty. A shitty friend. That I’m defending a shitty person. That I’m making excuses for him - when understanding and helping him work through his shortcomings and mistakes and learn to be better isn’t making excuses or being shitty. Was I shitty because I dated my abuser after he raped me, because I thought if he was open to it I could help him unlearn some stuff? No. This is part of that devaluing process, one I’ve been sitting here for months knowing full well it’s happening, watching my ‘friends’ exclude me, leave me on read countless times (dude it’s a form of Silent Treatment, you realize that?), being left out, avoided, triangulated against, and vague posted about. I’ve cried so many more times over how you guys have been treating me under the guise of ‘love and care and friendship’ than anything Kyle has done to me. And anything he’s done to me was a one time mistakes he learned from, and immediately implemented ways to avoid it in the future; asking questions and looking things up and learning. A healthy response to mistakes. The sociopolitical stuff took time to identify what was holding him back from seeing and learning, and now he’s working through that. That’s effort and progress. We APPLAUD effort and growth, do we not? We ENCOURAGE learning and growing, do we not?
Anything I say and do now is being interpreted as wrong/bad. You guys are putting words in my mouth and assuming the worst from me instead of giving me any understanding or being like ‘I know she didn’t have bad intentions with how that was worded, so I must be interpreting it wrong’ - it’s literally triangulation and devaluation. Both toxic narcissistic habits. Alexa, you can stop vague posting about me. And Kyle. You’ve done it quite a bit, and have for a while. It’s so passive aggressive. You can confront me through text like an adult and be like ‘it feels like this, did you mean it that way’. I wasn’t expecting yall to sit down at the exact time I laid out to have a full in depth convo with me - I just needed to say what I was thinking and feeling, and let you guys know about when I would be sending you guys whatever I had to say, that way if you happened to be free or done with work and whatever you got going on, maybe you could set some time aside to read it, instead of days later. Because as “friends” I feel like my feelings should be important enough to try to get to my text within a reasonable timeframe, instead of leaving me hanging. That’s not feeling ‘entitled’ to your time dude. That felt like when I said I was free at this time and would be sending something, that you guys assumed I expected something from you guys at that time frame. Which wasn’t true. And, I didn’t make excuses for Kai’s actions, I understood where he is at in his growing process and why, and I’ve held him accountable for his shit and he’s working on it. Again, “Reasons imply that fault is sincerely recognized and accepted, that you take accountability for your actions. An excuse is used to justify, blame or defend a fault with the intent to absolve oneself of accountability.” One involves effort, the other doesn’t. How would you guys know what he has and hadn’t realized and accepted and started working on with me and my therapist? You guys have wanted zero to do with him, so he’s followed that wish and he’s doing his own inner work. You be posting all this stuff about being a better person when you’re being petty asf and passive aggressive, and he’s literally working to accept and take accountability for stuff and be better next time around. And acting like he’s that ‘devils advocate’ meme yall posted? Must be projecting that he’s that kind of person because he’s been similar in some ways to people who do that. You’re projecting those people on to him. He’s never once played devils advocate in our discussions, his goal has never been to frustrate anyone, he just didn’t get it. He thought being “just the way he was” was a good thing for people to be because it was a Core Belief of his, that sticking to whatever you think or feel no matter what was a good quality in people. He’s past that now, and he’s going to continue to be better. Petty of you to equate him to my mother and project that onto him, when you guys have been not super self aware of how toxic you’re being.
I’ve dealt with Mean-G!rl friends who go and make group chats without me, talk about me behind my back, vague post about me, don’t put much effort into hanging out or even replying, and don’t confront me to talk through things or just.. end the friendship. I think we all have dealt with that. What I haven’t had is a partner who treats me nicely, as a priority, puts effort into loving me the way I feel cared for, who isn’t perfect but he’s trying to be better, being open to seeing things from other views, changing his actions and thoughts so he can be a better more sympathetic and less insensitive person, looks things up and reads about stuff and starts conversations with his own self realizations and creates plans on how to be better or how he will implement the things we discuss, and then acts on it. No one is perfect and we all have flaws and toxic traits. I’m not ready to give up on the only person I’ve met who really does try to change things to be better despite not being entirely self aware of everything he needs to work on, I’m not ready to give up on someone’s ability to become a better person just like I wasn’t ready to give up on your guys ability to do so. Maybe one day my meter of shit I can take will be full and I’ll be done, but that’s my process within my healing and growth.
This was an important part from my therapist: What you think is right regarding boundaries might not be right for me, and that’s okay. You don’t need to try to convince me what I SHOULD be thinking or doing, because you’re not my therapist, you’re not me, you’re not perfect either. You definitely don’t need to be trying to convince me, or manipulate me, and then getting upset with me and devaluing me when I don’t adhere to your way or thinking. I was raised with that, and one of the biggest themes in my therapy journey is learning how NOT OKAY that is, how it’s toxic and ABUSIVE, and I need to form my own sense of what I want and can and can’t handle and set boundaries for me and my life. That’s my journey. You guys have been getting in the way of that.
Has he said some racist stuff from a place of ignorance? Yes. Has he previously been defensive and not open to hearing out others? Yes. Have I almost ended things over it? Yes. Did I discuss it with my therapist before making any decisions? Yes. Did he and I have multiple calm and collected discussions about it afterwards before I made any decisions, where progress was made? Yes. He gets it now and sees how he was wrong and insensitive. He gets how even if he didn’t mean it that way, that’s how it gets interpreted by literally everyone, and so it’s wrong and there’s better ways to communicate his utopian desire for ‘everyone getting along.’ He said ALM as his own view that he sees everyone just as important as the other and wants the world to be that way one day, not realizing that too many people use ALM to silence black people. Now he’s out telling his coworkers that All lives don’t matter until Black Lives Matter. People will evolve over time when someone takes the time to educate them. That’s the beauty of human nature. And that’s the one thing he did, he’s been pretty adamantly ACAB and talking about how corrupt and racist the government and police are since he and I started talking. When he makes a post about it is up to him, that’s part of his journey and growth, we can’t dictate when someone should be ready to do something.
Ezra you tried to say how ‘we we both grew up in conservative houses and we unlearned that stuff quick.’ Per my therapist: Great! We were lucky! We had resources and people to teach us when we were young and we understood the bigger picture! Not everyones journey will look like ours and that’s OKAY. It doesn’t make their journey or process less valid or wrong because it wasn’t just like ours. That was pretty close minded of you honestly.
You also mentioned how he’s a centrist, and that it’s basically right wing. Yeah, sure. It doesn’t mean his views might not change after being educated more, especially now that he’s open to it. You’ve called Cassi a centrist and talked about how annoying it is, yet I watched you not too long ago defend her in a comment and call her ‘one of your best friends.’ So her being a centrist or basically right wing doesn’t make her a bad person, or a shitty person, but it does him? What has he done besides hurt your feelings on accident and not apologize, and be a centrist? Being insensitive? People struggle with different things. Some people genuinely lack empathy from being on the spectrum that has them make mistakes, are they automatically shitty people for being insensitive? That makes your feelings toward Kyle being a bad person seem EXTREMELY personal, like you’re possibly holding a grudge. Which then only makes the manipulation and triangulation you’ve done in response so much worse.
I don’t want to hear about how his ALM comment and lack of understanding makes him a complete racist and that it now makes me a bad person for staying and trying to get through to him and educate him, from someone who stayed with an abuser who said the N word all the time. That seems like cognitive dissonance. I’m shitty, but you’re not? Right it’s Alexa who says it makes me shitty, so Ez isn’t shitty, but I am? Ez learned their lesson with P*t, but I’m not allowed to learn my own? It makes me shitty? Or he’s shitty for now learning his mistake and being open to learning more? Like, Matthew was on one of my posts a couple months ago saying some ignorant absolutely borderline racist shit, then started actually attacking one of my islander friends over a misunderstanding he had when we were trying to educate him on what he was talking about, and Samantha came on the comments defending him saying ‘he’s being dumb but he’s not racist I promise.’ But she and Matthew aren’t shitty people, right? Or are they, because Matthew was being shitty to my POC friend and calling him names, and Samantha “excused his shitty behavior”? Guys I’m at a loss here, and it really feels like nothing he says or does can be ‘right’ to you, and so now I’m turning into the target because I’m not agreeing with that.
I’m sorry he’s done something to hurt your feelings and he never made it right. That was between the two of you. You don’t know what I hold against him and what I don’t, and to what degree it’s damaged our relationship or not. My relationship is mine to sort out, it is ultimately up to me to work through whatever thoughts and feelings I have regarding it with my therapist and when I no longer can continue for whatever reasons I have, I will end it. My therapists have been adamant on not allowing myself to be swayed by your guys’ opinions on ‘you’re doing too much work’ ‘that sounds like a lot’ ‘I wouldn’t be able to do that.’ Their response has been: Great! You’re not me, and this wouldn’t be a relationship for you. That’s okay! I absolutely do not need to adhere to your idea of a healthy relationship for YOU, because I am not you, and that’s okay! This is ultimately my journey of healing and figuring out what’s right for me and where I draw my lines and boundaries. I’m still figuring that out - that’s okay. I will be figuring that out for years to come thanks to my childhood and ex abusers, but the way you guys kept trying to convince me is actually counter productive to my healing and serves as a way to put me back into someone else’s box that they built for me. You guys ended up trying to put me in a box you built for me. In my opinion, that’s shitty. My abusers did that to me. Why would you ever do that to someone?
It FEELS like you guys don’t even like me, and have just hung around to try to convince me Kyle is bad and I should leave him, which is so manipulative and means you guys have been.. really fake to me. Those times Alexa would inquire about him and seem interested in how things were going? Feels like you were trying to get info to take back to the group chat and talk shit about me. You’ve told me you love and care about me despite being passive aggressive, petty, vague posting your true feelings about me, and probaxmy saying bad stuff about me in private. That feels fake asf and super two faced. Honestly it makes me doubt the whole friendship, like you never even liked me and only put up with me because I was friends with Ez. That sucks. As much as I try not to label or say people are bad people... someone who takes my effort for friendship while secretly thinking I’m a shitty person for being understanding of someone and trying to get through to him, and then pretending they love and care for me to my face, isn’t exactly being a good person in the situation. Could I have brought this up and expressed my feelings and concerns at any time? Of course. But I think I was kind of scared to, like I could sense the devaluation going on.
Your adamant dislike of him is rooted in something pretty obviously personal from my point of view, which is fine, but your reactions to such have been toxic, hurtful, and harmful to me directly - your “friend.” Alexa chose a side, and engaged in the triangulation and the manipulation when she felt it was justified after he had done something to hurt Ezra, you’re defending Ezra and probably feel like this makes you a good friend/person. I get it, and a younger, less healed version of me would have done the same - but it’s genuinely unhealthy. All of this these past few months has been void of any understanding on your guys’ part for his own journey as a human on this planet, and even for MINE, all due to the fact you decided you didn’t like him and clung to any reason you had to label him as a Bad Person. You see that right? And like, you didn’t have to give him any more chances in your lives. He was cut out of yours. That’s fine. But now I’m guilty by association, because I gave him the chance to learn? What the fuck guys.
Excuses are giving reasons without putting effort into any change.
Explanations are giving reasons for what happened before the change.
Explaining and understanding someone’s psychology and what lead them to make mistakes is not making excuses, so long as the person is making changes. There’s a difference, one I had to learn in therapy. Kai is learning, growing, and changing his thoughts and views and he deserves a chance to do so even if it’s under scrutiny. We praise growth around here, I thought? But I’m a “shitty” person for doing so? I deserve the disrespect from you guys? The triangulation? The manipulation? The silent treatment? The devaluation? What the fuck is the excuse for your guys’ behavior? I’m thinking about it and getting hurt all over again. This isn’t an attack on you guys at any point, I’m just fucking distraught to be informed by my therapist that the people I thought loved me have been HARMING me.
Perhaps you think he’s had too many chances and you’re telling yourself you’re ‘looking out for me.’’ And that’s fine, neither of you are dating him. You’re not friends with him any longer, you haven’t been. There’s no reason for either of you to give him chances. My boundaries for relationships aren’t the same as yours either, and it’s not necessarily right or wrong; it’s a process. But this clearly isn’t about keeping me safe anymore, and I’m not convinced it ever really was. The hurtful, toxic things you’ve both done say otherwise about your concern for my well being and safety. And if you’re only concerned or care so long as I’m doing what you think is right/best, then your ‘love’ and ‘care’ is completely conditional. If you only value my friendship when I’m agreeing with you, then you only valued my validation. You guys told me I deserve better and shouldn’t settle for how Kyle is, but why do I deserve how my supposed friends have been behaving and treating me for months now?
A big part of my therapy journey is learning to see unhealthy and healthy people and put my effort into the right people. I’m so fuckin proud of that boy, and even if it doesn’t last I’m still going to be happy that he’s more self aware and can work on improving himself, he has had a lot of stuff he learned in childhood and his Core Beliefs that were unhealthy. Things make so much more sense to me now realizing that I didn’t choose a side, because subconsciously I knew it was toxic and that something wasn’t quite right. I think that shows a level of growth for me, even if I didn’t handle things perfectly, even if this essay is messy and full of emotion and paints me in a bad light for confronting you guys on the things you’ve been doing that have been hurting me.
Obviously, in my therapists opinion, and something that I’m realizing... you guys have been really toxic towards me in ways that make you currently not good friends for me. Once upon a time, yes, but it seems like you guys started to resent me somewhere down the road and never communicated that to me. This is all of what I’m aware of, that might explain WHY you guys have acted this way toward me, projecting and taking your stuff out on me. Again it’s genuinely not an attack, I’m not saying you’re bad people, I’m informing you guys that you’ve done some bad stuff I’m not sure you realized (worse if you did) and also communicating how you guys hurt me, and what seems to be the downfall of our friendship. I hope that you’ll see it and self reflect instead of trying to justify your actions, but that journey is yours and yours alone. Maybe you’re more comfortable triangulating and getting validation that you’re in the right, it serves to protect the person who did it. But the way you’ve both handled things has been really unhealthy in general, but especially for me and my growth. You could have just said months ago, ‘I don’t feel comfortable being friends with someone who won’t pick sides, or continues to try to give chances to someone I think is a Bad Person,’ and left it at that. Sucky, it would have hurt, still a little toxic regardless, but you’re allowed to set boundaries for your life and they’re ALWAYS valid. You didn’t do that. You didn’t confront anyone about anything, just tried to sprinkle in your opinion of him and what you think I should do whenever you got the chance. Maybe because you wanted to get through to me and convince me to end things with the Bad Person so maybe we could continue our friendship, or maybe so yall would get the satisfaction of being rid of him completely, or being Right, but since I haven’t now I’m turning into target that you talk about and hold resentment towards. Manipulation. Triangulation. Devaluing stage. Discarding process. Instead of bringing up your issues with me, to me. You guys understand how shitty that is, right?
A shitty, toxic environment I brushed off and dissociated from and tried to not let it effect my love and care for you guys, hoping you would understand that the place I’m coming from is one I have worked SO HARD through therapy to get to, and that setting boundaries with you guys and with Kyle was a healthy step in my healing and learning process, and that you don’t know better for me or my relationship than my therapists. That I need to explore for myself what I’m willing to put up with and live with or put effort into working on to find my personal happy, because all relationships are work, even friendships. A shitty toxic environment that has turned into resentment on your guys’ parts, and now started brewing in me over how you guys have treated me. A shitty toxic environment that could have been avoided in soo many ways, by literally any of us communicating properly. A shitty toxic environment that I don’t want to be a part of.
I love you both with all my heart. I will always be rooting for you and your success, and I’ll always be here to genuinely help you with whatever if you need it, not to try to get some tea and push a narrative on you. You did things that hurt me but it doesn’t mean I think less of you or that you’re overall bad or toxic people with terrible motives, you just happen to have toxic traits that came out when you felt hurt and wronged. Alexa, I hope you continue to enjoy therapy and I believe so much in your growth and I know one day you’ll be past the trauma. You’ve got this. Ezra, if it’s still something you want, I hope u can one day find an inclusive therapist that will be covered by your insurance. I hope you guys have wonderful fulfilling careers and relationships. I believe in you guys so much. I really hope Levi continues to be amazing and gives Ez all the love they deserve and that finally they have something healthy and rewarding, I hope the VA helps him and he can get a lot out of therapy and his anxiety gets better so he can live freely. I want you guys to be healthy and happy in your lives.
Please understand this friendship isn’t ending because of Kyle - he is entirely separate from my relationships with the two of you - it’s ending because my therapist opened my eyes to extremely harmful behaviors and how somewhere down the road the negative thoughts and devaluation got to the point that you both started being shitty towards me. It seems you guys haven’t wanted to be friends for a while, and it sucks you drug it out instead of just communicating that. Honestly even if you guys did acknowledge what you have been doing to me this whole time and apologized for it, I feel like you don’t even like me enough anymore to work on the friendship and communicate ways I could be better for you guys too, and you’re more comfortable surrounding yourself with people who don’t challenge your Core Beliefs. It was silly of me to hope you wouldn’t do all this to me, but here we are. Friends come and go. It’s the bittersweet part of life that I’ve worked for years to accept without hard feelings.
I’m genuinely sorry for any hurt I’ve caused you guys, know that it was never ever intentional. I’m sorry for anything I’ve done that had felt like I’m not being a good friend, or to make you think I deserved the way you guys think or talk about me. I tried setting boundaries and being understanding, thats all I felt like I could do, but I see where I could have been better in some areas. Life is about learning and growing, so I’ll take this as a way to be better in my future friendships too.
If you actually read all of it and tried to understand where I’m coming from, I do appreciate it.
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NT communication
A lot of mbti posts portray NTs as basically a more extreme version of the STs, like an up to 11 version of T traits both good & bad. That’s a bit incomplete even when it doesn’t come with bias.
Like, there’s something to it in the sense that Sensing can pick up social/interpersonal details to some extent, making them stand out less (but only in very specific ways - On one extreme you have some ISTJs who can be very politite but stiff & formal, on the other, there’s those ESTPs who can pick up your status, intent and personalty just from your clothes & body language, but don’t get why things are important to you or that you’re being serious) - though it probably helps that STs are relatively common (well, except for ISTPs) so ppl are used to them.
And sure, we don’t have that (nor the useless - dear teachers, not everyone has as much Si as you do. )
But like, we’re still intuitives, same as them NFs.
We love us some long, substantial conversations/letters, contemplation, novelty, analysis & the seeking of the new (admittedly, in an abstract sense, not so much a ‘leaving our house’ sense) & versatile pursuits & a certain air of melancholy. Some of us even have as much of a poetic, idealistic side as our F counterparts.
I once had this ex who complained about my, to him, insufficient attention in SF-y ways while barely reacting to/ registering my attempts at long love letters or serious conversations. It’s not that he was all shadow, I could see that he did have thoughts about say, world politics or ethical matters, but I couldn’t get access to it. He wanted me to text/talk/call more but I didn’t know about what, talking without a topic wasn’t really natural to me. He seemed to conclude that I was some sort of cold-hearted freakazoid bitch and probably cheating or something. I assume the whole thing was frustrating for both of us, but the things he complained of were more ‘mainstream’ so it felt really crappy like I would never find someone.
That was way before I discovered typology, but in hindsight it seems like a cautionary tale for a worst case SF/NT clash. For a positive example, I have a SF sister. Though she occasionally has misunderstading-induced clashes with me or our INTJ sister & we appreciate each other’s perspectives, contributions & goodwill & appreciate each other’s honest feedback; Also, though our types are so different we have plenty of other commonalities like interests & preferences.
If you’re an iNtuitive yourself (though not a T), you & your loved one may have more in common that you realize & misunderstandings could be avoided by using the right communication channel (assuming they also make an effort that is; I’m not recomending that you indulge jerks whatever their type is)
If you wanna have a bonding moment with your favorite NT friend/family member/SO, why not ask them what they think about current events or the last movie you saw together? (do not do this if you don’t want to get them rambling or would react negatively to it tho. )
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