#because i hate that even though my interests have changed over the years im still only getting associated with loki and tom hiddleston
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#im tempted to just delete everything loki and tom hiddleston from this blog#because i hate that even though my interests have changed over the years im still only getting associated with loki and tom hiddleston#after my shadow ban got lifted i was getting cyberpunk associated blogs and i thought it was fixed#but now its all fucked again#*sigh*
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For the Danyal Al Ghul AU: How would Danyal react to other canon events like when Sam wishes she never met Danny, Tucker wishes for powers, the christmas episode, or other DP canon events?
(Also, I assume Danyal's cover is blown by the reality Gaunlet event.)
Ohooho I love this question. So im only gonna respond to the episodes you mentioned, since it's been a while since i actually watched the show and I don't remember all the episodes. And also since I don't remember them fully, I'm gonna get details wrong. I am fine with that, it still gets the gist down lol. I've got the tvtropes recap page pulled up, so i'll be using that to try and hit the major points it mentions.
So, Memory Blank! Man I've thought about that one, and its the one I'm frankly most excited to answer because it gets to show just how much of a positive impact being friends with Sam and Tucker had on Danyal. So where to start? Their fight goes differently than in canon, but I'm going to start from after Sam makes her wish.
Firstly; she and Tucker are friends, but the two of them are not friends with Danny. He's on his own. In this au, the three of them became friends when they were 11 and Danny's been in Amity Park for about a year.
They met in the beginning with Sam trying to befriend him at first because she realized that they shared similar ideals on environmentalism, but he rebuffed her pretty harshly due to a combination of grief over leaving his home, trying to process the fact that he can never return and will never see his brother again or meet his father, and just plain League arrogance lmao. He really hated being in Amity Park just in general because it wasn't his home and it was the city too.
So he was really rather unapproachable in the beginning. People kept a pretty wide berth of him due to Fenton association and his own vibes.
But Danny's still a kid, and they want socialization with their peers. At 11 he didn't have any friends, and was frankly quite lonely. He decided to approach Sam and Tucker after deeming them "acceptable allies", although Sam wasn't really interested at first up until he did the equivalent of apologizing. Tucker warmed up first afterwards, but Sam really wasn't too far behind.
So thats how they became friends, post-wish though? Lets say that Sam didn't accept the apology and rebuffed Danny, and kinda intimidated Tucker into doing the thing. Danyal closed down, backed off, and then never approached them again because he decided right then and there he wasn't going to chase it. Wasn't worth his effort or time.
Then he just. never approached another person after that because he didn't want to get rebuffed again (he wouldn't admit that it hurt a bit), and he could already tell his efforts wouldn't work. He turned his attention to other stuff. In this timeline it wasn't too difficult to find him at events dedicated to combatting climate change, deforestation, light pollution, animal cruelty, etc. the LOA is an environmentalist group, after all. They just also happen to be eco-fascist assassins-for-hire.
In summary, Sam and Tucker helped Danyal realize the flaws in some of the League's beliefs (the fascism) to the point where he could deconstruct it on his own. Being friends with them made him realize that, frankly, genocide was not the answer to environmental equilibrium, and that the people outside of the League had lives worth living. They also helped quell his arrogance, and just in general influenced him to become kinder even if it doesn't look like that all the time to other people. Sam and Tucker make him laugh, and smile, and just happy.
OG Danyal: wears pretty casual teen clothes. More punky-aesthetic. Has multiple ear piercings. These were self-done. Will have a lip piercing by the time he reunites with Damian, mark my words. Can and will wear muscle tees. Makes puns, jokes, is generally sassy with his friends. Can, will, and has climbed shit he shouldn't be because he enjoys the challenge of scaling a building. It's also very funny seeing Tucker and Sam reenact the "Gregory! HOW DID YOU GET UP THERE?!" meme. Still has a questionable moral compass, but like, he's not an eco-fascist.
This Timeline Danyal: dresses much more sophisticated; dark academia vibe. Closed off, cold. Is 2x more likely to kill someone than OG Danyal, who was frankly, pr kosher with murder already but only if he deemed it extremely necessary. Still an eco-fascist.
Danyal without Sam and Tucker? Still believes in the teachings of the League because he has not been really challenged on them. In fact, he has doubled down on it, actually. Living in the city, growing up estranged and ostracized by his peers, has only strengthened his resolve that all of humanity minus the league (and the Fentons) deserves to be wiped out. He is disgusted by the people around him and desperately wants to go home, even more than the last timeline. The only reason he hasn't is for Damian's sake, but he's been checking in with mother whenever she visits and asking to find a way to come home. She's been steadily wearing down on it; her child is miserable here.
This version of Danyal should not have powers, and is, essentially on the fast track of rejoining the league -- doubly so when he hears Damian is living with father. Clearly it's safe enough for him to be with father, if mother allowed it, and father has become safe enough for Damian to live there. Good. With the threat of two heirs being in the League gone, Danny can return with Mother's permission. And. he probably takes Jazz (and the Fenton parents) with him. Forcibly if he has to.
So Sam has her work cut out for her here, a lot more than in canon, because even when she does tell him that they used to be friends in another timeline, and he believes it, he is not going to give a shit. Clearly they were not as good of friends as she thought they were, if she had wished they never met in the first place. Good riddance, then. This Danny is cold, incredibly hurt, and very closed off.
He is a cave wall in comparison to the Danny Sam knew, and talking to him feels like walking into one. Because he is looking at her with just utter disgust and disdain, keeping a distance like he is revolted by her presence and allergic to her and everyone else's touch.
Which really, really fucking hurts when she knows that in their last timeline, he would actively seek out her and Tucker's company and affection. Sam could read her best friend like an open book, and now its like she's trying to read one in another language she barely speaks. This boy used to smile at her, he used to laugh at Tucker's jokes, and he was so passionate about the things he enjoyed. Now he looks at her like he wants nothing more than for her to drop dead on the spot.
It hurts even more knowing that her last words to her Danny were the words, 'some days i wish we never met'; the way he looked at her afterwards haunts her. For a split second, he looked completely crushed and heartbroken, before his entire body language and expression shut off and he totally closed down on her.
Because by this point in his friendship with her and Tucker, he's told them, he has told them, in a very intimate moment of vulnerability, that they are one of the best things that's happened in his life -- right there alongside the day he first met his baby brother. They are very important to him, and he has finally felt comfortable enough with telling them. There's not a day that goes by that he isn't grateful for their friendship.
So to hear Sam say that some days she wishes they never met? well. That breaks his heart. Just- just a little bit. Sam regrets it the moment it leaves her mouth, and she immediately tries to apologize, but Danny immediately spits back; "Well. I hope you get your wish." and then stalks off.
I'm warring with myself here trying to decide whether or not this new timeline Danyal is at a "point of no return", where nothing Sam says is going to make him attempt to reignite that friendship. Clearly that will end badly anyways, if this is the result of that friendship. He's cut all ties from these people; he feels no prerogative to fix things she broke.
Like, the version of Danyal I'm thinking of here has no close bonds with anyone in the city sans Jazz -- and she? has her own life outside of Danny. She is not his keeper, not his caretaker, and certainly not his therapist. (which i have beef about too, considering how she gets boiled down to 'therapist with no life of her own' but im not going into that.) She has some influence on him, but frankly not enough to really make him challenge his beliefs. Danny cares about her that, if he returns to the league, she is coming with him. Or at the very least, will be spared from the League's goals.
Mmmm. I can't make it a total point of no return though. Sam's very stubborn, and she knows Danny. And while this Danny is still very different, he is still Danny. She'll try and befriend him insistently in a way that might annoy him, but at least not push him away further.
(Tucker, meanwhile, is just soo confused about Sam's very random, very abrupt switch up. Cuz girl he thought you hated this guy? Why are you suddenly trying to get all buddy-buddy with the terrifying Fenton kid. Have you been possessed? Is this some kind of crisis?)
(Sam drags Tucker into befriending Danny because he is the only person she knows that can get him to belly laugh. Tucker is mildly terrified but going along with it.)
Anyways this does end with Sam befriending Danny, or at least getting him to like her long enough that he'll pick up a ghost weapon and face off against Desiree. There's no way in hell he's walking into that portal, that last timeline might have been a 1/billionth chance of it happening and he's not dying for the chance to get powers. And frankly with his training -- which he's probably kept up with even more than the old timeline because he had no one to spend his time with -- he doesn't really need them to be good at fighting them. Just show him how to ghost proof a weapon and he'll handle the rest from there.
But Sam does end up undoing the wish and getting back to her own original timeline in the end. It's the morning after her fight, and the literal first thing she does that morning is get her shoes on and fucking sprriiint to the fenton house. Bursts into tears when she sees Danny and apologizes over and over again. She swears she didn't mean any of it, and to please believe her, and Desiree's still loose and they need to stop her, and she's had the worst time.
She does tell him about the other timeline she just went through, and she hopes that, if it still exists, that that Danyal manages to find friends in the Sam and Tucker there after this. And if not them, then anyone.
Danny's still pretty hurt by what she said, it cut really deep, but he forgives her.
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Tucker getting his powers! Frankly things gooo... relatively the same as canon, I think? Actually, no. Danny probably figures out the whole Genie "i wish you would go back into your lamp" thing faster than canon danny since he's not a C student lmao. TV.Tropes doesn't give me too much specifics for a recap on the plot, so we're gonna wing it. For the plot I'm going to say that Tucker gets his powers before Danny figures out the "i wish" thing, which happens relatively quickly.
Danny tries to be... rather supportive of his friend getting powers? Especially since, in comparison to Danny, it was rather painless. However, he's also very suspicious. He doesn't trust the source of Tucker's powers, and warns him to be careful and to let Danny know if he feels off in anyway.
Tucker does end up helping Danny a few times, but the quick progression of his powers and Tucker's willingness to use them more often than not worries him. He reminds him a handful of times that Tucker shouldn't rely on his powers to help -- not even Danny does that. He prefers to use his weapons and martial arts to fight instead. Tucker doesn't listen.
And they end up fighting anyways. Things get resolved, everything turns out okay!
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Christmas episode straight up just. doesn't happen. Danyal doesn't care enough about the Fenton arguing or about Christmas to be upset about said arguing. He thinks its really childish, but he's not a grinch about all of it.
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Okay it wasn't explicitly mentioned but i have thought about TUE. And I'm trying to think how that would go because it's the result of Danny getting his hands on the math answers and cheating. Which Danyal would not do.
And someone mentioned in the comments on my ao3 under the oneshots there that TUE might just straight up not happen. Which makes sense, Danyal is so different from canon that things don't have to always happen like it did in canon. So that's something I need to chew about, cuz if it does happen, then I'm going to figure out a different way for it to.
#dpxdc#dp x dc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#danyal al ghul au#dpxdc crossover#danyal al ghul#usually i'd have a plethora of tags to add. but i dont really have much running commentary in mind lmao#i technically could just blow them all up in nasty burger just without the added 'cheating' thing. however. thats boring.#so i'll do my own thing#things in threes au
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AITA for converting to another religion?
Also just so i can find this im gonna type a word.
'DUCK'
Names are fake
I (FTM, minor but not really but yeah, i'll be a legal adult in no time so will by boyfriend, also I'm closeted to everyone except my boyfriend so assume any treatment i get will be with me as a woman) am agnostic. I don't hate religion at all, i respect and understand believers and when invited i participate in religious activities mainly doing it out of love for the person or because they seem genuinely fun.
Anyway, i have this boyfriend, Kenny, who i love very very much. I wouldn't say our relationship is 'perfect' because that is impossible, but we are close, happy, communication is good, i wouldn't ask for more. He makes me happy, he's the best thing that ever happened to me.
Kenny is jewish, he let me know few days after we started dating because he wanted to be open about it in a serious relationship. I 100% respected that and we had a warm lighthearted chat about it, he knows i'm agnostic, he respects that.
It's been a few years, and Kenny's family grew to love me.
With his family's consent, Kenny invited me to a few religious activities with them which i enjoyed doing because we were all in a happy mood. Over time I became comfortable around the family, we're friends now.
Let's skip forward, Kenny and I were having a conversation late at night cuddling in bed, and he brought up religion. We kept chatting, until he asked me if i would be interested in converting to Judaism.
I was kinda shocked when he asked that, one of the few moments he genuinely did something i didn't expect. I stay quiet, before answering with a low "I don't know, maybe?"
We leave the topic there, he wasn't mad or anything, instead he nodded and we just kept chatting about other stuff still cuddling.
It's been a few weeks after that, and the question is still there in my little brain. I've been doing research on Kenny's religion to have a better understanding of the question he gave me, and honestly? Doesn't sound like a bad idea, i'm up for it.
I brought it up to Kenny and he seemed glad that I actually remembered the question. It's nice to see everything is taken calmly.
However, part of the hesitation came from my doubts about changing 'religions'. I don't think agnosticism is like a proper religion, i mean it's not even Atheism level. But i have an understanding of how religions work from my Catholic childhood, i was raised Catholic. So if i'm correct most religions are given by birth, I feel like it would be an AH move to break the rule over an idea my boyfriend brought up.
His family seems okay with the whole thing though, so i have mixed feelings.
Is there actually an AH part of the decision, or am i overthinking it?
(sorry for bad English)
What are these acronyms?
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why jfabe is NOT!!!! boring and lifeless and proving that wrong, an informational thread discussing their relationship and dynamic, because honestly im getting tired of ppl saying their boring
contains s3 spoilers!
The relationship between JFK and abe from Clone High is something alot of people within the community discussed, especially before s3, being talked about more after s2's finale. Many speculated that the two would remain friends or even become more than that.
Now with season 3 out, we have a lot more things to work out with, specifically episode 3. It's something a lot of people are too afraid to admit, but jfabe/abefk would make the show a lot more interesting, rather than its repeatable joanabe plotline.
So, I'm here to talk about the inner workings of this pair, why their so interesting, and why they work out so much, whether platonic or not. If ur not a fan of jfabe/abefk, or heavily dislike the ship, I'd recommend turning away from this post.
Introduction, the who, the when, the why, the how...and their differences n similarities
So, we all know these two characters. JFK the beloved, Abe the hated. Something that many people picked out of the 2020 clone high fandom. But what if i told you that the beloved and the hated were truly meant to be together from the start?
What we already know is that they are the complete opposite of each other in many ways. JFK is meant to be a parody on 90s jocks from highschool movies and tv shows. Abe is the weak nerd who desperately wants to be cool.
JFK is buff and shorter, Abe is tall and lanky. JFK is a douchebag, Abe is the nicer guy. The list goes on and on. And they even have stuff in common, such as the fear of abandonment and the fear of ruining things.
But one difference i can note is that Abe is way more naive than JFK, JFK is portrayed as empty-headed, but not empty-headed enough to not realize whats going on. Of course, despite the differences, both characters make a really good team.
And this was even evident in s2 ep10, aka the finale, where they both realize that they make a great "duo of bros who'll remain friends for the rest of their lives". Jfabe shippers were FEEDING on this shit back then you have no idea
So with this stuff out of the way, it's time to talk about my favorite episode out of season 3.
Bible Humpers: A Much Needed Praycation
This episode revolves around JFK getting tired of having meaningless sex with girls and partying hard, and decides to seek out a new life when he and Abe discovers the prayer pals club, hosted by Lady Godiva. And at first, Abe is happy to see that JFK is taking on new opportunities.
"Where the slut goes, the wing slut follows."
But eventually, JFK starts straying away from Abe and his friendship, to the point of even FORGETTING about the broniversary that Abe had planned for the both of them (he literally baked a giant cake for him, look at me and tell me thats straight cmon now).
Seeing how Abe had already lost Joan and Gandhi, he didn't wanna lose JFK either, and does everything he can to make him happy and thats so clear. And even at the end of the episode, it's revealed that Abe even respected his choice on ultimately choosing celibacy.
He really does care a bunch for JFK, liking him for who he truly was (compared to JFK's other dates) and respecting his choices. And despite choosing celibacy over Abe, the two still remain close, which really tells you how great their bond is.
So something HAS definitely changed throughout the years, from them hating each others guts to potentially becoming clone highs next couple...which didn't happen, and I'm still petty about it i will admit.
But even if they didn't become canon at the end, you could really tell that some people who worked on this episode wanted them to be a thing, and that's a good enough sign for me that they could hopefully become canon in the next season if we ever get one (still petty though).
Let's circle back to season 1 again. I'm not making a jfabe thread without mentioning Litter Kills: Literally, which is another episode that jfabe shippers fed on. In this episode, JFK's close friend Ponce dies, and he's left to grieve over him.
And in this episode, we see a side of JFK that we never saw before. He starts wondering why the hell he's feeling all of these emotions, because he's a Kennedy, and he's not used to them. But Abe helps him realize that emotions like this are normal.
And even if the two hated each other, Abe apologized to him in the end and finally realized his mistakes. It seemed like Abe disliked him, yet he cares about him. Abe never knew what if felt like, because he hasn't lost a friend close to him.
So he starts berating Cleo for comforting JFK and was even aggressive towards JFK as well, believing that he was only doing all of this just to take Cleo away from him. That was all because he NEVER knew what it was like. But he finally understood.
He was sorry, but he felt like he couldn't do much to help because he didn't experience the same thing. So he just hugged JFK and held him...for a really long time.
But that was just enough for JFK, all he needed was comfort, and Abe chose to do that. So even at the episode, he couldn't help but ask JFK if he was alright. And by the next episode, JFK was already feeling better. All it takes is someone to tell you that its gonna be okay.
So what I'm trying to say is despite their own anxieties, flaws, characteristics, whatever, their PERFECT for each other. I don't like how people label them as "boring", when their so much more deeper than that.
Jfabe/AbeFK is one of my comfort ships for this exact reason. Their lore, dynamic and relationship goes beyond that, i don't ship them just because i think their cute, but because their interesting, and it may seem like im going insane over a white boy ship, but i truly, truly, from the bottom of my heart, love this ship to pieces, and hopefully people can see that through me. Thank you, clone high.
#clone high#analysis#clone high season 2#jfk clone high#clone high 2023#jfabe#abefk#clone high abe#clone high reboot#clone high season 3#clone high spoilers#i GUESS the alternate title for this should be “in defense of jfabe/abefk” because some of yall needa hop off of a harmless ship#i hope this converts some of you i managed to do that w some mutuals on twitter#long story short jfabe is just a really underrated ship with interesting lore and potential and i never got why people hated it#so now that ur reading this watch the mr peabody and sherman show if you want another good history show to watch (shameless plug)#im so rabid about this ship someone hold me back. no one gets them like i do (except for like 5 people)#yes im the same guy who wrote that one jfk character essay and the jfabe queerbaiting essay can you tell i like them a normal amount#bai
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who does adrien love more, ladybug or marinette?
HELLO ANON. i honestly love that u sent this. hard hitting potentially controversial questions are fun to me. i love analyzing and breaking down my writing and characters. also this is about tvl adrichat to anyone who’s seeing this <- im assuming so bc u sent it after I posted ch7
anyway, based on ch1-7, but also how tvl adrichat is in general, id say in simple terms, He Doesn’t Love One More Than The Other
in general, he thinks he shouldn’t be in love with either of them. ladybug, he sees as a door that’s been closed since jubilation. he turns that doorknob open, takes a peek every now and then, heart tightens at the sights he steals. but he’s been under the impression that they are Just Friends. he set that very boundary on his own, on multiple occasions, not to reject her—because ladybug never Properly came clean about being in love with him—but to remind himself that they weren’t a line he should cross. that is, until she revealed her plans and repressed desires to sleep with him. and then black and white swirled together to burn and blare flashing red sirens
and then as of right now in tvl, he’s falling into her arms but still sort of wary about everything he gets to enjoy. he’s afraid it’s too much and that she’ll realize that soon enough, can barely believe it’s still happening/has happened in the first place, and the indefinite nature of the situation is read as Temporary to him. it’s why he acts/acts out in bizarre ways, and tvl ladybug winds up accommodating him in ways she THINKS is sexual, but for him is usually deeply emotional
a part of him in still in denial. his plan from the get go was to not fall in love with ladybug again. he’s admitted several times to the readers that he thinks he’s doomed. but he hasn’t exactly crossed that final line, seen his tragedy for what it was -> he’s been in love with her from the start, and it’s only getting worse, the worst it’s ever been
SO. that brings me to tvl marinette. how does tvl adrichat’s love for her compare? as it has been alluded to/straight up mentioned on occasion across the chapters, tvl marinette broke up with tvl adrien years ago, but never properly explained to him why. they also remained friends, however awkward that was, best friends you could say, enduring high school and university and now they are even navigating working life together!! by literally having their jobs be intertwined. in ch7, it is implied that tvl adrichat hates his job. he mentions wanting to quit for more time with her on several occasions. undoubtedly though, he was also not being too serious, because actually going through with it would mean leaving marinette jobless
no, tvl adrichat isn’t over marinette. he doesn’t really think he is, especially before the events of tvl, and those first few years of their breakup. because he never received an explanation, the uncertainty of the whole situation, and the lack of space or boundaries they didn’t bother to establish in their friendship, a part of him just HOPED she’d change her mind, come around, and take him back. especially since all those years had her dating No One, and he followed suit because he wanted to be with her (and more importantly he just wasn’t interested in anyone else. his life oscillates between Bug Lady and Clumsy Girl)
random tidbit. in ch1 tvl adrichat mentions that he forgets everything that happens when he’s drunk, and this is why he was confused that tvl ladybug Remembered what happened to her when she was absolutely hammered. I’ll let u all make of that however u will
with tvl marinette, as seen in ch4, through adrien’s perspective GETS JEALOUS and appears somewhat into him still -> which is absolutely torturous and difficult because he’s well aware most of her confusing signals ARENT synonymous with wanting to date him again. she has this power and ability to turn his world topsy turvy that she isn’t fully aware of, and what she IS aware of makes her severely guilty
if his situation w ladybug is a closed door that creaks open from time to time, marinette is a house they’re still in together, but every time he sees her in a room, she walks into a different one. so, in conclusion, they both devastate him, and any time he’s with either of them, things aren’t easy on his heart in any sense at all
WHOOPS! poor guy!!
#ask#tvl#tvl ch7#hi guys!!!!! thanks so much for the recent comments on the new chapter#so stoked to see people love it!!!#hoping more people get to catch up bc i really love hearing all ur thoughts!!!#also i hope this was an enjoyable analysis!!!!#feel free to ask me more questions about stuff ur curious about and want me to unpack!!!!!
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Okay but, Lucemond time-travel could be tasty as hell. Lucerys going back in his younger self body and trying to change things. Lucerys going back but keeping his own body and no one knowing him. Lucerys going back and ending as like Daemon’s son (either with Rhea Royce or a bastard). Even Lucerys ending as Baelon and thus his mother’s little brother
Just, Lucerys having just died and then having to deal with saving his family and being confronted with Aemond who would probably still ends up obsessed with him
Oh, darling, you don’t want to kick this off. I’ve several time travel stories kicking around in my head already.
You don’t want this.
I’ve got one with Aemond and Lucerys as the only survivors of the war, deciding that no, they didn’t want things to end this way; and so they go back to a year or so before Viserys dies and try to alter the course. Will feature younger Aemond (15 or 16 yo) being obsessed with his grown up nephew, and older Aemond being like “oh I definitely don’t like this”.
I’ve got Aemond and Lucerys going back to before either of them are born, and trying to fix things without outing too much about themselves. Aemond is accepted as a future son of Viserys, but Lucerys claims the last name ‘Rivers’ because his mother hasn’t married Laenor yet. Aemond absolutely hates it, even if Lucerys gives him shit for it because “why are you so pissy now? Im finally admitting to being a bastard and everyone is saying it too” and that’s not the point but Aemond can’t articulate why he hates it.
I’ve got Lucerys going back by himself to when Rhaenyra is younger and he, rather than Cole (through some fuckery) becomes her sworn sword and works to stop the war from ever happening while having a constant existential crisis over the sheer chaos his mother gets up to. Daemon and him also hit it off and none of the Targaryens can understand why they (and their dragons) seem to vibe with this random dude so much. Lucerys is sweating because his mother and step father are both way too interested in figuring him out.
If you give me two more minutes I could probably come up with a hundred more.
(I do like the idea of him being Baelon though. Tragic but powerful plot. And him being Daemon’s son 😂 that’d be delightful because Daemon would 100% love his son while still absolutely hating his wife)
#anonymous#HOTD#lucerys velaryon#aemond targaryen#lucemond#I’ve so many ideas#don’t push me because my self control is like tissue paper 😂
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you can tell me about your idea!!!
thank you so much 😭 it's kinda long sorry
SO i was listening to a song my sister like (Valerie, Amy Winehouse) and there's this line about ginger hair and it was just so specific ig it stuck with me? so im thinking man who do i know with red hair...DUH KUWABARA!!!
nearly every song i listen to gets assigned a character or ship or relationship of some sort idk why but yeah once i fixated on the hair i was able to expand on the rest of the song and a sort of idea settled in the back of my head about kuwameshi
we all know kuwabara is always the one getting left behind but what if while he's off doing his thing yusuke also feels that sense of loss? an absence even though it was his decision to up and leave. it makes no sense cos hey! you felt the need to go back to the demon realm bro but he cannot help how he feels left behind in some illogical sense. i made some notes 😤😤
centers round the time where yusuke goes back to makai after the whole sensui debacle and kuwabara is getting his education studying in prep for college (hell yeah boy !!) not sure if the timelines even match up like that but i literally dont care
i'm working under the canon divergence that keiko really did decide she's not gonna wait for urameshi like that but ofc she's still his bestie and he loves her sooooo much <3
so he's going back. he's a demon now so he feels drawn to the culture. it's a side of himself he's never known after feeling so othered ofc he's interested right?
i mean sure he grew up with other humans but almost everyone hated him/was scared of him ironically he was called a demon or monster or wtv
reactions like that are why he almost decided not to come back to life in the first place!! it wasn't a welcoming atmosphere and even his home didn't feel great cos his mom isn't exactly the mothering type
im all for deadbeat moms but the neglect will fuck a kid up. demon heritage or not
and he loves her and all but it's just all fucked up at home so he ended up wandering around a lot being mad about his shitty life and he likes fighting so that's what he did!
and obviously in makai this behavior isnt like. crazy or uncalled for
but yeah the only connections he's got to ningenkai is his mom, keiko (her parents by extension) and of course kuwabara; the only friends he managed to not scare off
anyway. you get it. so yusuke is back in makai and without his permission his mind keeps wandering to kuwabara who he hasn't seen in let's say. a year and some change? i'll decide later but A While
and like. last time he was in the demon world kuwa was WITH him yknow? like yeah the world was ending but it feels weird without him even if he is having a blast fighting with his new demon buddies and acquaintances
so he's a little distracted when he literally came here to fight he cant even focus on it
"how is college prep treating him? are the teachers there just as bad as middle school? did he make new human friends? a girlfriend?" basically he's spiraling over changes he might be missing out on this very moment
there's a bunch of talk in the song where the singer wonders if valerie dyed her hair if she's busy if she ever paid that fine if she sold her house if she got a man so that's where i got it lol
yusuke doesn't have to worry about kurama and hiei cos hey they're from here and have lived way longer and they actually do visit but who knows what typa shit could be happening to kuwa right now
ofc he can take care of himself he's really strong but yusuke can't help but remember that time he let kuwabara go when he shouldn't have and he almost died because he wasn't there and yeah. he's worried. sue him
so it's half worry half wistfulness and maybe some other secret third thing and when hiei and maybe kurama (depending on how the idea forms as i write) come to visit or maybe they're also participating wtv
he cant help but think well kuwabara could be here with us if he really WANTED to :/ he's got the jigen to down pat by now so...why hasn't he...
and those old but ever remaining insecurities resurface about how people don't wanna be around him they think he's a nuisance at best no good waste of time a trouble maker. keiko already dumped my sorry ass so who knows maybe kuwabara just...wisened up
hiei and kurama are like this bitch is back on his bullshit (affectionate)
they manage to weedle his worries out of him hiei ofc trying to act like he doesnt really care (he cares a lot) "you must not have much faith in kuwabara if you think he'd abandon you just from some time apart. and i thought HE was the oaf between the two of you"
kurama with his fox self is like "well yes hiei is right of course kazuma is too loyal to do something like that. but he is human...the only human of us now."
yusuke is like wth is that supposed to mean on the defensive even tho kurama is their friend and hasn't even said anything untrue and hiei narrows his eyes a bit maybe but is still acting like this doesn't really concern him
"i just mean that...from what i've learned about humans over the time i've spent with them...time feels different. we demons live such long lives that when faced with the human lifespan well...it can be laughable to some. that's why demons can be so callous about their lives."
yusuke just wants him to get to the point ofc "what i'm saying is we don't need a lot of contact with each other to keep relationships fresh and healthy but, kuwabara might be a little different. 3 years will do nothing to your bond but...i do worry about longer periods..."
and he seems to just trail off and it just gets quiet and a little sad and hiei isn't looking at them anymore
kurama starts again pretty cheerfully tho "well, don't worry! i'm planning on staying in the human world for quite some time once i'm done with this visit! i do have the company to take care of so i'll make sure to see kazuma all the time! i'll even send him a message from you if you want to say anything :)"
kurama has deliberately been using kuwa's first name knowing damn well urameshi doesn't even use it because this dude is not JUST a sweetie he's a fucking master manipulator. gaslight gatekeep bbg
yusuke is like okay yeah no new plan i'll just go see him now. no need for a middle man thanks anyway and then he's just gone. left the tournament early. like bruh that's what you came here for 😐
so yeah he's breaking into kuwa's house next thing you know and ofc he goes through the window not the door like a normal person and he just kinda stops short because he hasn't seen his friend in what feels like forever even though it's only been like a year or so but he just looks so different
and yeah a big part might be the hair he's never seen without that popadour, long soft copper coils, and he's somehow even bigger than when yusuke left him jesus when did he get so swole? when did he have time in between all those brainiac classes
yusuke knows he's bound to look a lil different too ofc i mean they weren't kids anymore really but like. when they hell did you go and grow up?
"next time i come back is this even gonna be your house anymore? will you still wanna hang out with dropout delinquent demon urameshi?" he gets so insecure in so little time
anyway kuwabara didn't sense him at first cos yusuke isn't a threat and he never really thought he'd be coming especially not yet but when he does notice
kuwabara just gets the biggest goofiest grin he's like urameshi you dog when the hell did you get back in town you're early!!
and yusuke is significantly eased by this reaction but now he feels stupid cos he up a left everything just to what? bother kuwabara while he studies to achieve his dreams? yusuke has got no human world aspirations like keiko had. like kurama has. like kuwabara.
and ofc kuwabara looks glad to see him but he wasn't desperate enough to just show up like yusuke had just done and he feels like a pathetic loser so he pouts
he's like yeah hey man just uh. checking in. and i should probably check out hah you seem busy with your books so im gonna scram and he tries to retreat through the window
and ofc kuwa is NOT letting him get away
and there's that desperation yusuke had selfishly wanted to see. kuwabara had just grabbed him without thinking even though he'd promised himself when urameshi left he wasn't gonna just sit around waiting for his life to start when he came back
he remembers when yusuke took him into that headlock and he wanted to succeed like he said he would that day
but still he's just thinking about urameshi all the time and it's awful. he always said he was gonna beat him some day but he just wanted to be near him. but all he sees is his back, even right now
part ii cos it's too many words!
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SU reclaimed pearl rambles
im gonna use some annoying comments i got on my reclaimed pearl as a springboard for what i think could be interesting discussion because i think its good to engage with criticism/different opinions. but also if you talk to me like an asshole i want you to fuck off and i promised i wouldnt engage in that kind of stuff bc its not good for me and it doesnt Look good for me either.
so i can talk about my thoughts but not engage directly, win win. its been months but im still really fond of the pearl i made specially this art. like it coudl be better but i like it well enough. just a little header so this isnt a boring post with only text
i think like, its good to establish ground rules that like, i think most of the poor reactions ive seen towards my art were missing, mostly in bad faith probably but in case theres ppl who earnestly want to understand. actually maybe i can format it like a little FAQ even though theyre not frequent or asked lskdjg just for outlining my points. ill put it behind a cut but ill frontline w this: if youre a fan of pearl in the show, this content is not for you. youre allowed to like whatever you want and so am i. if you like her, we probably wont get along and you probably will feel very personally irritated by how i FEEL about her, so just walk away now. im not gonna engage with petty shit taht juts boils down to 'im mad you dont like what i like'
onwards to more rambling / sorta responding to some criticism
i scrolled back and i guess i sorta never have actually done a proper full explanation post about this AU have i? or maybe i have and deleted it, i forgor
why did you change pearl?
because i hate her, simple as. i went from a huge SU fan to hating watching it (i did finish) and pearl is probably The biggest reason why, as like issues with her character seep into other aspects of the show that i also hate. like i mean i Realyl hate her. she makes the experience of watching the show really irritating and miserable for me. if you dont feel taht way about her thats totally normal and whatever but no one is gonna change my experience and feelings that i had watching SU since the 1st season was coming out.; anyway answering. there is a Lot i love about SU and want to engage with, so i had the idea of like,maybe ill just change pearl, cause i wanted to delete her, really, but she is one of the main characters and she hasa function as a character that you cant just do away with. essentially im just like, some guy, who draws, coping and trying to reclaim his teenage investimetn in this show. literally its just for ME. but if anyone else feels like i do, then they can enjoy it too. if somoene doesnt feel like i do, go watch like pearl fancams or smth. like ill never be able to literlaly change the show as it is, like its happened, and its a tragedy im trying to move on from (begrudgingly)
why do you hate pearl?
the long laundry list of reasons are probably apparent in the ways i remade her lol (theyre not i can tell ppl are gonna project whatever worst bad faith reason for any change i make) but tbh the core of it is this, which is like, beyond whatever traits she has and whatever: she reminds me of my abusers. always had, from season 1, but like it became worse as the series went on. its like really infurating and upsetting to watch SU bc of her. had my abusers been a different kind of person, maybe i wouldnt hate her so much (kinda doubt tbh). like her personality and behavior are like hough disgosting!!
why did you change (some physical trait about her design)?
i dont really necessarily have a PROBLEM with canon pearls design. over the years ive come to like SU's style less and less but like, gestures, whatever. like i didnt like it or anything but its not like a bit deal compared to the actual offender that is her personality and behavior. the reason i redesigned her at all is bc like, if i hadnt, i would still be thinking about the way she is in canon all the time. like ive visually associated her like, appearance with all the shit about her thta makes me upset so i had to so she didnt look like the same person anymore, and i can try to let go of some of the hatred in my heart. like i want to think about the thigns about SU that i loved and also the potential i always saw in it and canon pearl is like, an active obstacle to that, to the point taht i cant even see her without getting like irked. i tried to keep enough similar traits so from a glance youd be like, who the fuck- is that pearl? rather than like. completely change her entirely to whatever i wanted. i do want to like, its a creative exercise. i want to try and change the things that would make me happy to see gone but try to work within the constraints of the SU we Did get as much as i can tolerate. bc like.... if the sky was the limit then at this poin wed just have to throw the whole thing away and start from scratch. like its kinda not really very salvageable, like im not rewirting SU to be like a Good show or fix Everything, its kinda too broken. im just chnaging enough so i can look at the actual show, screenshots, songs etc, and not feel overcome wtih like the grief and irriatation of how much it sucked ass. its just so i can enjoy more of it again
i dont like your redesign for (insert reason)
cool. thanks for your input. youre welcome! eat my asshole.
seriously though, like, shrugs. i didnt make it for anyone other than myself. tbh im not fully satisfied with it either bc i think the SU style is kinda ugly, so im at a crossroads. should i mostly abandon the SU style? ive like, tested out tweaking things, it mightve been noticeable in screenshot redraws. drawing within the SU style is to create that coping 'oh it was totally like this haha' vibe but maybe im old enough to not need that anymore lol. like ive heard ppl say shit like shes ugly, or like sneakily trying to imply im like, got some agenda over beauty or racism etc. like whatever, think whatever you want, its not for you. go back to sucking up to rebecca or smth like i cant take the og pearl away from you
still i am open for like that kind of criticism like, do i have personal biases affecting my design decisions? probably. i do try to keep aware of why im choosing certain things, but really in this case i cant emphasize enough how like, irritating it is that i have to change her design at all. like its hard to come up w smth else when the rest of the cast ahs already been design to balance off the og pearl. i probably wouldnt change almost anything if the sight of her didnt piss me the fuck off! most of all i kinda wouldve preferred to keep her hair short bc it messes up the sillouete but it makes me think too much of canon pearl so i made it long :/ i was like let me tell you my design thought process:
-im gonna try to keep as many recognizable traits about her design while taking away bit by bit until she doesnt look like the og pearl to me anymore and i dont feel angry seeing her. pearl is lanky, tall, spindly, with a gem on the forehead, blue white pink yellow pastel colors, large pointed nose. i kinda tried to keep these traits while slightly tweaking their design until she looked different enough. is it a good design? eh idk. like the purpose is to make me not hate her and it does that job
now this hate comment im gonna grace with keeping it intact except removing the person bc its not about them. its like, a very stupid ass headed comment but im actually kind of interested in like,jumping off of it to ponder some things
im not heterosexual or cis enough to know what exactly wife bate means in this context so im gonna like guess, that maybe i could extract this q from that reply (also not looking like shes from steven universe is a compliment thanks)
you took away her personality and made her boring
the only thing i can assume is that like, some people must interpret the absence of an assholey personality or like abusive behavior is 'boring'. i know thats a really bad faith assumption but like, if ive written down a bunch of personality traits and you still come out saying thats 'no personality' what am i to make of that lol. based on my experience like Existing online, people tend to often call nice characters 'boring', like dude ive done it before, but i think im kinda over that edgy phase. also again, its for me and not for you so if you think shes boring, thanks for your input i dont care. but thinkign about it earnestly, i dfeintely dont want to make a character thats just no flaw and not interesting ofc, i havent done that with reclaimed pearl. that being said i havent like, probably written a lot demonstrating what i want her to be like instead of the canon pearl so, maybe ppl just are feeling lost with the lack of information.
personally, if i hear someone thinks a character is boring bc theyre not abusive anymore like, nothing of value has been lost. but characters do need flaws in order to create conflict and cause things to happen, like in a way canon pearl is like All flaw, which wouldnt be a problem except she gets away wtih all the horrible shit she did. heres some traits i want to explore with reclaimed pearl, some are similar to canon i just wanna go about it a different way: being overprotective/possessive to steven in a smothering way, projecting abandonment issues, not reaching out/communicating her emotions properly, lacking indepedence/self worth, depending on others to avoid confronting her own issues, being very passive and insecure and lacking initiative (this being the totally opposite trait that canon pearl has), stunting stevens development due to her not being ready for him to grow up and not need her anymore. and more, this is just from the top of my head. maybe thats still too 'boring' for ppl because shes not being selfish and inconsiderate enough to others so you can relate to her but i dont care :p
gosh how do i go about like, presenting the content i ahve in my head for this AU).. i cantjust remake the whole damn show. i would if i could, tbh
i have concerns about racist implications wrt (insert thing here about my redesign)
imma be frank. i dont know how to compltely 'clean up' any possible bad associations wrt pearl as a character given how like, rebecca has literally like, made her to be a slave in love with her slave owner and made it to be like, an uwu ideal lesbiab thing for most of the show until they tried to pretend no we understood the flaws in this dynamic all along and its bad actually , uhh, anyway shows over haha
ill say the main reason i changed her skintone is, bc that would be the like most instant way to make her look differnt from canon (which is vital for me for the reasons said above), and i did consider like, does this make the whole thing worse, or, ?? like, as they made it in the show, techincally All the gems are slaves to the diamonds, arent they? including all the very totally progressive poc based gems including and specially the ones who are made to be understood as black women. bruh like idk what to tell you this show is just fuckig bad sdlgkj like its just way too like, pervasive in my teen years forme to throw the baby w the bathwater entirely. and ill just straight up say it, like, im not a specialist on these topics nor do i hav ea position of authority to speak on about it. like the pearls read more clearly as slaves (very intentionally by the showrunners) bc they are meant to be subservient to gems Other than diamonds. and also bc they like fit in the stereotype of housemaid servant. like the rubies being made to just be forced to go and fight like they are slaves too, they have no rights and no like, authority to disobey or autonomy. but fsr like, slavery as in physical labor just doesnt immeidately set off ppls alarms as much as housework slavery does fsr.
i can only rly like change the canon so much and try to like, tweak things so it doesn feel as gross but i think for it to be cmpletely not insneistive at all youd have to throw away the whole show. and like i said, this isnt like me saying like im making the show good or as it shouldve been, im making it so I (and ppl who share my feelings about the show) can feel less shitty just thinking back to it. its just an exercise. im not like mass media im just one independent artist and shit will come out insensitve sometimes and im sorry but im also like, my art isnt meant to be representative and like, responsiuble for fixing all of society and racism like i actually cant do that. ill just do the best i can as an asian dude but like, if my work makes you upset, im sorry, but also just block me. like i cant please everyone. or like, even better, make YOUR take on pearl taht you feel would be better, like make the art you feel should exist.
this post is too damn long and id be surprised if anyone reads all of it but if you do, tahnk you! i felt kinda like ready to fight tonight so im triyng to redirect it from aggression to like, thinking. i cant guarantee im making new content for su reclaimed anytime soon but i would really like to, tbh
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this isn’t hate so don’t take it as such but it’s really confusing seeing you have one foot in, one foot out of the fandom and then getting mad when people don’t follow or understand where you’re at
I don’t read everything you post, I’m not on tumblr often but i saw you said you’re not writing for joe rn (completely fine and valid) but you answered an ask the other day about how much of a dream it would be to have him fall in love with you (when anon said you looked like liv) AND hes still your profile pic and username. I understand the username is effort to change but he is still all over your blog and some days it seems like you’re in a good mood to talk about him and the next you’re so done and it’s just really confusing at this point. if you’re done with him, that’s fine, just pls say so bc it’s confusing when you’re like “u never know!” but also “im not in a joe mood rn” but also “I’d love him to fall in love with me and that would be a dream” and then get mad when we send asks like I genuinely just don’t understand if you love or hate him? you’ve kinda given the impression of both and it’s fine either way but pls just be clear bc it seems like we’re pissing you off but you’re not clear on where you stand and idgi cjdjdmd i thought you were done with him but then I saw the liv ask where u said it would be a dream for him to fall in love with u, so I thought ‘ok ur not writing for him, but you still like him and wanna talk ab him’, and he’s ur prof pic and stuff so I was like ok safe assumption, but then it seemed like u got mad when I sent u a tweet so im just confused fjfjffjd
i hope you understand this isn’t hate and i genuinely love your blog. i just think being clear would be helpful and if ur rlly done with him, even just for now, being straight up would be better than saying youd love him to fall in love w u and then basically telling us to shut up ab him the next day bc ur in ur hockey era rn 😭
sending this with love! once again not hate just don’t like being chastised
“this is the only ask i’ll answer regarding this. “
felt like I was being told off by a teacher in school when I just didn’t know bc u said he’s your favourite last week and some other positive things the other day😭
🤍
i don’t really know how to answer this lol. first of all, i’m not mad at anyone. i just get a little annoyed.
i want to start by saying, i don’t hate joe. i hate what the joe community on tumblr has turned into. you can’t post anything anymore without receiving hate or some sort of comment that isnt so nice. it’s frustrating to see so many good blogs and genuinely nice people receive hate because of the things they post.
we’re all on here just trying to have fun and post positive things about our favorites!
i do not expect you to read every single thing i post on here. i don’t expect that out of anyone that reads my stuff or follows me.
yes, joe absolutely is all over my blog. i’m a fan of his, i write for him, he has been my blog for a whole year now. i don’t mind receiving asks about joe, literally at all. when it comes to his personal life and what he’s doing though…it’s different.
i didn’t create my blog to talk about or speculate anything about joes personal life/life outside of football. i made this blog to write about, see pics of, and meet other people who shared a love for him and the sport too. all this community has turned into the last few months has been drama and speculation which is NOT what im here for.
i’ve moved onto hockey because football wasn’t my interest anymore and that’s okay. i didn’t say to shut up about joe, you absolutely can talk about him. i simply just said i’ve moved on.
i get a little frustrated when i get asks about when in writing fics or updating for him because i’ve said multiple times that im taking a step back and taking a break from writing about joe. am i not allowed to be a fan and say i love him without him being the focus of my blog anymore? lol.
i didn’t mean to “chastise” anyone, i just was simply saying i’m not going to answer anymore asks about what the tweet was about because it’s ALL over tumblr right now. many blogs are receiving hate, talking about the subject, etc. and i just don’t want to be apart of that. i did not create my blog to talk about his personal life or have any drama.
i’ve stopped writing about joe because of what the community has become. he has nothing to do with it.
i appreciate you being honest with me on how you feel about my blog and my approach with this! i didn’t mean to come off the way i did when i answered your ask about the tweet, i just didn’t want to contribute to the conversation anymore and make it a bigger deal than it already is.
with that being said, it’s been great on here with yall but i’m stepping away from the “joemunity”. thanks for being so amazing🤍
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are there any changes to the floormasters in ytr? <- autistic abt the floormasters
im assuming rio ranger doesnt exist here, because. sei. but im curioieus
i am so glad you asked!!! i’ve been waiting for an excuse to talk about the floormasters, they’re just not as fleshed out as i want them to be yet…(this is partially because i keep agonizing over what i want their designs to look like. it’s hard to find a balance between “silly yet stylish” and “just walked out of the evil clown circus”)
originally, i was planning to keep them the same but i quickly realized that would not work because sei and sou are both participants and therefore ranger and “midori” never Exist. so yes, they (most of them) are swapped too!
i will say that i kept gashu and meister in the same roles though. gashu because i think it would be vv interesting to see kai interact with his father in the death game (since he never gets the chance to in canon), and meister because 1. he almost certainly has ties to sara and 2. atp in the game he hasn’t played a big enough role to the point that i really even know what to do with him? so i was hesitant to swap him at all.
but but but!!! i’ll get into who takes the roles of the other 4 floormasters below (i hope this is what you were asking for???)!!! bear with me if it’s a little barebones compared to the main cast descriptions i’m still figuring things out
Megumi Sasahara > Sue Miley
Tbh I have my suspicions that canon Megumi already has ties to Asunaro so making her a floormaster in this AU felt like a logical move. I don’t have that much to say about her as of yet, but since she’s the first floormaster she sets a much different tone for the beginning of the story in comparison to Miley. Whereas Miley’s presentation feels very ‘cartoonishly evil,’ Megumi is a lot more serious about the game which kind of hammers in for the participants how highly important their captors regard the Death Game. Basically…even more dread and unease…especially after Nao’s death.
Hinako Mishuku (fake) > Rio Ranger
So this one is kind of what spurred on the idea of swapping the floormasters as well, because I really wanted to do something with pink-haired Hinako and/or see her interact with black-haired Hinako. Then I thought of a very tragic idea: what if pink-haired Hinako and black-haired Hinako were twins?
So I thought of the name Hana Mishuku for her. Basically, my idea was that the Mishuku twins’ parents split up because one of them started getting involved with Asunaro, and as a result the twins were separated. While Hinako led a relatively normal life, Hana was stuck with her father and unwittingly forced into becoming an agent for Asunaro at a very young age.
She acts similar to her canon personality, with a sort of dry callousness. She does still have a soft spot for her sister (and seeing her again after years doesn’t help) but she believes that’s something she has to ruthlessly stamp out in order to survive in the organization. (can you tell thinking about her makes me sad…)
Shunsuke Hayasaka > Tia Safalin
I am so sorry to all Hayasaka fans but his character is the definition of wasted potential to me. He clearly had ties to Asunaro (albeit seemingly unwillingly) and yet this is something that comes up like. Once? So I decided to take advantage of it here and make him play a bigger role. Rather than just doing dirty work for the organization, he gets swept into it and he HATES it. He’s pretty much only following orders because he doesn’t want to be killed, and rather than acting like a mild-mannered office worker he acts much more like a jaded, pessimistic office worker (someone please help this man). I also think he’d have a fun dynamic with Hana, but that’s something I’ll likely elaborate on in future doodles…
Momdori/Mrs. Hiyori/whatever you wanna call her > Midori
This one was probably the most fun for me to put together. Maybe it’s bias because the mysteries of Sou Hiyori’s family will forever intrigue me, but I think that his mom (or who I presume is his mom but really we only have a silhouette) has such interesting potential. I definitely don’t believe her and Sou would have a healthy dynamic here, what with just the way both of them act (i.e. insufferably) and their seemingly incompatible views of Asunaro (borderline religious devotion vs. as a tool for further experimentation/entertainment). (i could go on for literally hours and hours about their dynamic in this au but i’ll save that for another day)
As for her actual role in the story, I think she’d act very similar to Midori at first, but over time be revealed to have less of the childish behavior and more cruelty + cult-ish behavior. She’d also regard the participants differently: constantly emphasizing how they’re all fated to be sacrifices for God etc, etc until everyone is incredibly annoyed. (good thing for them that the goal of the subgame is to kill her!)
uhhhhh uhhhh anyways i don’t know what else to say but i hope this satisfies your curiosity! i’ll definitely revisit the floormasters again once i figure out what the hell to do with their designs but for now, as thanks for reaching the end of this rant take this momdori:
#princesseevee answers#yttd#your turn ryoko#megumi sasahara#hinako mishuku#shunsuke hayasaka#momdori#my art
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December 17, 2023
Really kind of adore stories with parent figures fighting to find and protect their lost child (figure) while that child simultaneously grows up to become someone no longer in need of protecting! Broken Earth, The Witcher.. would love to find more books/series with that element, I think. Currently developing my reading list (finally starting some Sanderson!) and thinking about switching to Storygraph... only thing is that it's not as heavily utilized among my friends so I wouldn't necessarily be able to keep up with what they're reading. I suppose I don't necessarily want to be a "follower" in my friend group when it comes to doing a good thing, especially not with something that's ultimately a fairly inconsequential switch. Maybe that's a winter break goal.
You know what's wild? Last year one of my labmates took the class with this final project I'm working on right now, and she was in a group of three or four. That's a pretty solid amount of manpower and brainpower for a twenty page paper (plus 10+ pages in supplementary material). I'M LITERALLY DOING THIS ALONE. Same assignment. All by my lonesome. Will I get there? Ya I think so. But STILL.
[days later]
DONE.
Is it the best thing I ever wrote? God no. And that's a shame because it could have been really good had I not taken off two days last week. But it's done.
I hate writing introductions with all my heart. Everything else is fine, but orienting my audience to a topic? I'd rather skip that bit, honestly. So yeah. My intro kinda sucks. I think it picks up when we start talking about the basis of the work at hand, but it's otherwise pretty boring. Citations very spotty, with an overreliance on one source (even though i skimmed a ton of papers n even took notes too).
ngl kinda sucks bc it's going to my advisor and I know I could've done better ("but why didn't you" BECAUSE I WANNA GO HOME. OKAY? IM TIRED OF THIS PLACE. IM TIRED IN GENERAL. god i cant wait to get home)
not even going to mention how much little sleep I've gotten over the past 48 hours ugh.
can't even be thankful that it's over bc imma be anxious all the way up until i get that grade so.
im so bad at projects. bad at spacing things out. good at the planning. bad at the doing. decent at the crunch time. (the same sad song i weep every semester tbh.. "something's gotta change" yea yea yea)
well i dont want to go out all negative--im pretty proud of the future directions section. they came pretty naturally to me actually, and i think it's a bit of a testament to some of the growth ive had ~as a scientist~ this semester. thinking experimentally is still not easy, but i think i'm grasping some things related to my discipline which is good. thankful for that ig. also pretty happy with the discussion, I think my conclusions were pretty solid and interesting.
if-i-coulda-woulda-shoulda :/
[edit, next morning afternoon: so uh, i was anxious about the paper wile writing it and took an exedrin because of the anxious headache i got over it and the caffeine in the pill amplified my anxiety and that did not feel good at all]
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all grown up [ch. 8]
roos says ! first writing posted since moving into my dormmmm :D!! im very excited. anyway, hope u guys enjoyyy and pleaseeee leave feedback i love reading what people think >:)! (pls someone find me more bob gifs i feel bad having to use rhett-- and a soft reminder that reblogs mean more than likes!)
desc: the dagger squad being at the house starts to shake things up, especially for you and your siblings. Partly because they think you still hate Bob, but mostly because they're just worried about you.
fluff, a bit angsty?
notable characters: robert "bob" floyd, natasha "phoenix" trace
TWs: alcohol, cursing, mentions of past relationships, unhealthy coping mechanisms
ao3 link ! last chapter ! next chapter
Drinks are being passed around, your hands growing sore from pouring various bottles and grabbing cups in the mini-bar in the pool deck area. Avalon and Gisele help you by passing out the drinks to everyone, while Asher stays back because of his body’s inability to process alcohol. He eagerly takes a mocktail from you, though. In the back of your mind, you remember the day you'd found out about your brother's alcohol intolerance. He'd gotten extremely sick on his twenty-first. Though the both of you had been going drink-to-drink all night, you assumed he had too much.
Then he started to have severe chest pains, you could feel his quick heavy heartbeat against his shirt and see it in his throat, he was pale, flushed, and clammy all at the same time. Too ad onto that, for a few minutes he couldn't breathe or see properly, and then he passed out slumped on your then seventeen-year-old shoulder.
Yeah. It had been an interesting night.
Asher looks across the yard, murmuring something to his boyfriend-- Robyn, as he stares at Bob. Robyn hummed, smacking Asher's shoulder as he whispered, "It's been a decade, Ash. Maybe he's changed."
Asher gave an unimpressed shrug and you huffed, fishing a bottle of Tito's out from your mother's hands as you whipped around and tried to ignore your siblings. Even if you owed them an explanation, you weren't sure how ready you were to give one. To distract yourself, you quickly mix up a drink for Bob, Tito’s Lemonade. Something you'd noticed was his favorite. Dodging a stare from Gisele, you walk over and hand the cup to Bob, the Tito's still in hand.
"You make the best drinks," He smiles, a hand coming up to hold your arm as he says it.
"And you're already tipsy." You hum, tilting the bottle to top off his drink a bit more as a joke.
Bob goes to open his mouth, the words, "On you" leaving before PHoenix wolf whistles and you hear Fanboy snort, watching as Molly sticks her tongue out to Phoenix (who does it back) before speaking.
“Little Robert’s drinking alcohol!” Phoenix grins from where she lounges with her drink. She lifts her sunglasses and squints as if trying to get a better look from her spot only a few feet away from Bob and Fanboy.
Rooster, who's next to her, laughs along, a small smile as he speaks, “for real?”
“He’s always had alcohol?” You muse as you hand the Tito's to Avalon, so she can bring the bottle to your mom. The sliding door squeaks as Penny slips out, pushing Maverick and grinning at him when he sends her a look of 'what the fuck was that for?' Penny comes over to where you're standing, her hand balancing a bowl against her hip.
"He never takes anything to drink when he's at The Hard Deck." She hums and Bob huffs out a small laugh, adjusting his glasses as he looks up at you before casting his gaze slowly across the yard until he settles back on your frame. Molly curls against his side, her head resting on his shoulder as she happily accepts a drink from Avalon, a virgin martini in a small travel mug.
"I drank too much in high school." Bob laments, his accent coming out a bit thicker with the alcohol in his chest, "My mom found out the day I left for Bootcamp and her Hennessy was empty. She made me promise to stop drinking, so I did... at least until I turned twenty-one and it was legal to do. It's just a weird habit for me now to not drink anything. God, I swear working out more made me into a lightweight."
"You were al-co-mol-hall-tic," Molly says, thinking she's being matter-of-fact, but when the pilots start to giggle her face falls until Bob tells her the right pronunciation and she groans as she hides her face and kicks her foot out to splash Fanboy.
"Molly!" Genevieve whines from where your mother sits with her on a raft by Sarah and Ice, who sit on the edge of the pool next to Carole and Goose, MAverick joining them with a few different cups of various drinks he hands out.
"What, Gen?" Molly perks up.
"No roughhousing before dinner," Genevieve huffs, and in a perfect replica of her mother's voice she shouts, "It's bad for your digestion!"
"My digestion is too strong." Molly declares, crossing her arms, and Bob takes a chance to hand you his cup before he moves forward with Molly in one arm and she shrieks as he manages to grab her by the waist and chuck her up, sending her splashing the older adults on the other side of the pool.
"That was cruel!" Carole laughs, watching as Molly lights up.
"Again!" She screams, and Genevieve's sliding off the raft she's on, declaring it should be her turn instead. You hear the sliding door open, and glance over to see Jenny exiting the doorway with stacks of plates and such in her hands.
"Dinner's ready, guys! Hamburgers, chicken, hot dogs... and roasted veggies! We also have a bunch of chips and such!" Tom calls from where he's standing by the grill, and slowly people begin to make their way out of the pool. Bob gets one more throw of each kid in, Goose declaring he was gonna swim over and knock him out, which Maverick said was a terrible idea. As you walk back over to the bar, your mother catches your gaze and waves you over.
"I'm worried about your siblings and Rob." she whispers once you're in earshot, "Asher and Gisele are really mad at him, hon. Any reason why?"
"The last time I talked to them about Bob was right after he'd left for boot camp." You sigh, crossing your arms, "So they kinda hate him for me."
"But you don't hate him anymore?"
"Yeah, but the twins and Asher don't know we had a sort of heart-to-heart." You look over at your brother, watching as he kind of purposefully walks the long way through your yard so he doesn't have to be near Bob. Your chest tightens, blood boiling your skin in something akin to protectiveness.
"Okay. Let me know if I need to talk to sense into any of 'em." Your mom smiles, squeezing your arm, before leaving to go get food. Now that no one else is around, you make yourself a drink and tell yourself to keep calm and try your hardest to not want to kill everyone in your general vicinity. The alcohol will take the edge off, or so you hope.
"Hey," Halo's head pops around the little fence separating the bar from the rest of the pool area, and you glance up as you finish off adding some margarita mix to your tequila, scotch, whiskey, and basically every type of alcohol possible. It wasn't a coping mechanism, you swore to yourself, except it definitely was.
"Do you have any vegetarian stuff?" she asks and you hum, setting the Don Julio bottle back in its holder as you grab your drink and make your way over to where she anxiously rocks from foot to foot in her flip-flops and full body neon green bathing suit. It made her look super tan.
"Avalon doesn't eat red meat, so we might have some Beyond Burgers? Those plant-based ones?" You say, guiding her over to your house and letting her inside, "How long have you been vegetarian?"
"Since I was... nineteen? I got that red meat allergy from Lymes, so I just decided to become vegetarian because I had always wanted to. I would be vegan, but considering food in the Navy is limited I'd have to wait a long time before I could do that." She explains as you both enter the kitchen. Halo pauses by the table while you walk to the freezer and pop it open.
"Do you guys do those... what are they called, oh! MRE's! Do you guys have vegetarian ones?" You ask as you bend down and begin rummaging through various boxes and other assorted items. Your mom must've driven to Publix or Kroger because your local mom-and-pop grocer didn't have all of this stuff.
"Some are vegetarian-ish. But, not many that I've seen have been fully vegetarian. Maybe I missed 'em." She chuckles and then claps when you stand up with a box of plant-based burgers in hand.
"I'll have Tom throw these on the grill for you," You smile, and Halo nods.
"Thanks, and tell him I say thanks too! Isn't he Bob's dad?" Halo asks as you rip two out of the box and toss the box back in the freezer. As you hip bump it closed and carry the burgers in their plastic over to the backyard, you look back.
"Bob's stepdad." You muse and she nods, before quickly slipping out of the door and calling over to Tom with a grin. You look across the yard, eyes bouncing from group to group as they eat. Eventually, your eyes settle on Avalon and Gisele, who sit across from Aspen and Robyn. The look you're given by your brother makes you realize that, at some point, you'd have to have this conversation with them anyway.
Tom sets a plate Jenny made up for you in your hands and ushers you over, that all-knowing look in his eyes. It was something the majority of the adults in your life shared, an insane amount of observance.
You end up settling between Avalon and Robyn, knowing the two had purposefully left a seat open in that spot so they could act as buffers for you against your siblings. You secretly appreciate the sentiment.
"So." Aspen starts, "What's with Rob?"
You sigh, "Straight for it, huh?"
"We wanna know," Gisele sighs, "You're all over him, practically."
"That's a bit dramatic." Robyn hums, shoving fries in his mouth, Gisele sends a glare at him. You scoff, grabbing your drink and taking a long swig as you try to keep your face steeled against the strength of the alcohol in it. You probably should've made a normal martini instead.
"Well, he came back a couple of days ago. I was pissed he was here because I thought I hated him. I was mad at him for the shit he pulled before leaving for Bootcamp, as anyone would be. We got stuck in a storm and had an argument that led to us both being in tears, so I think we kinda worked it out." You explain, "I've spent time catching him up on things, and he's opened his heart to me about things he's gone through and such. We clicked back together and suddenly it's like... I dunno, I can breathe right again. He fits like a missing puzzle piece in this family and I knew that there was no way for me to completely avoid him... no matter how much I wanted to. And I'm glad I gave him a second chance."
Avalon pats your back twice, giving you a soft smile as she looks across the table at Aspen, "I'm glad you both could stop being mad at each other. You hadn't been the same after Rob left for camp, always so snippy and angry. It faded a bit when you went to college and made more friends there, but now I feel like you're finally coming back to us fully."
"Yeah," Gisele nods, "I agree with Av. Seeing you mix up drinks, laughing with the pilots... that wouldn't have happened eight years ago."
"That wouldn't have happened last year," Aspen butts in after taking a swig of his bet, "I'm just weary about you jumping back into a relationship."
"Especially after Mike," Gisele mumbles, a hand coming up to block the chips she's shoveled into her mouth. Robyn hums in agreeance, washing down his burger with what you think is just a normal soda. Next to you, Avalon nods as she folds her hands under her chin. Darting your eyes away from her, you watch across the table as Aspen pushes his salad around before he meets your eyes and speaks.
"Yeah, especially because Mike's back. Chris told me he got a job in Myrtle as a contractor. He's living in a hotel there when he has to work, and coming back home when he's off for more than a few days. Y/n, there's a high chance Mike will be at the party."
"Who cares?" You huff out a laugh, trying to ignore the gnawing feeling in your gut or the way you suddenly feel a chill in the air, "If he even comes within ten feet of this party, someone is gonna knock him on his ass."
"And that's not what I meant about Mike," Gisele sighs as she picks up her drink and swirls it, a nervous happy you remember her doing since she was young, "You know how hard it was with Mike when he was away. He was only a few hours away, at most, and you could always call him or text him if you missed him. With Robby, you’re not gonna know what he's doing half the time when he’s days, even weeks, away from you. The Navy may only allot him like ten minutes to call, and that would be generous. You might have to stick to just emails. Y/n, I don't want to see your heart broken again.”
You look over to the pilots, watching as Hangman's blindfolded in front of the dartboard. Jenny is betting something while Tom shakes his head, and you can tell Hangman's gloating by the way Phoenix playfully shoves him to disorient him and Fanboy and Payback try to convince your mom to not make a bet on whatever's about to happen. Bob's watching, arms crossed over his bare chest as he leans over to your mom with some sort of explanation and she laughs.
"You've got the lovesick look, honey," Robyn hums, squeezing your shoulder, "Asher's told me he's afraid you'll be hurt, just like the rest of your siblings. But also, I know that they'd want you to be happy no matter what."
"Maybe wait a bit," Avalon hums, "That's what I had to do with Hannah. Now she's working towards being an admiral. We're praying that she'll get a station to stay at before we get married."
"Maybe." You hum internalizing what your siblings (plus Robyn) had said. It was all true. Mike was an asshole, and you'd been hurt by him for months (even before the split), and even if you knew you probably should wait for this relationship it was so exciting to feel like you were in love again. You felt every rushing emotion from high school throwing itself in your chest again, and when you look over again after sliding your plate away, it's no surprise to see Bob watching you.
What you would give to let yourself just fall into his arms. But it was too late, you'd promised you wouldn't go there. Now, you knew if you fell you'd never get back up. And that was absolutely terrifying. But you steel your heart, lock it up and throw away the key, so you can stand and walk over to his giddy smile as Hangman (after being spun around) narrowly misses a bullseye.
"That near bullseye was bullshit." Maverick announces and the pilots laugh, and you gaze across the yard to see your sisters, escorting Amelia around. The three girls are currently talking to Halo, Omaha, Harvard, Yale, and Payback at a table near the darts. Next to them sits Ice and Goose, who watch as Sarah and Carole attempt cornhole. Your mom and Jenny watch from the other team, throwing out tips, while Tom carries stuff inside with help from your siblings.
You glance back over when Maverick slaps a ten-dollar bill in Hangman's hand and cuffs his shoulder with a headshake as he makes his way over to where Penny sits off to the side with Phoenix, Coyote, and Fanboy. And when Hangman offers for someone else to play while he goes back in the pool, Bob meets your eyes.
"No." You immediately say and the party, or those who heard, start to laugh.
"Come on!" Bob shouts, wrapping an arm around your waist as he pulls you into his chest. You squeal, laughing as you fall against him and he smiles into the skin on your neck. He smells like pine and cinnamon, it makes you want to kiss him even more.
"One game, for me?" he begs, giving you puppy dog eyes that make you sigh dramatically before you nod.
"One game of darts." You declare and he cheers, untangling his arm from your waist to grab your hand and pull you over with him.
An hour, and maybe five games of darts and two drinks later, you find yourself settled in the pool. Bob had left to show most people where they'd be sleeping for the next few days, and now you sat with Phoenix, Fanboy, and Coyote in the pool as most everyone else had gone inside. It was super late now, nearing midnight, and though you knew you should be heading to bed since you had to be up at four, you couldn't find it in yourself to feel tired.
"So." Phoenix kicks her raft off the side of the pool and you look over as she drifts towards where you float aimlessly in your floaty.
"Hm?" You look over from where Coyote was showing you pictures of his baby cousin on his phone, his legs kicking idly in the water as he sat on the ledge next to Fanboy's raft.
"Bob?" She says and you give her a look, so she continues, "You have to have a crush on him or something."
"Oh please say you do, I've never seen him look at someone like that, not even Talia." Fanboy awes and you give an odd look.
"Who's Talia?" You ask and Coyote kicks Fanboy's raft, sending him drifting to the other side of the pool.
"No one important, she's his ex." Coyote quickly covers, but the way he stares over at Fanboy tells you something different. With a soft splash, Fanboy quickly dips into the water and then out of the pool. That alone tells you there's a lot more to the story.
"Talia," Phoenix hooks her leg onto the pole of the steps, just like you were doing, so she could stay near the conversation, "is a fucking bitch. It's not our place to tell what went down between them but if you need to know anything, just know that when Bob got hurt she didn't even ask anyone if he was okay. Never, not once."
You think back to the look in Bob's eyes when you'd told him about Mike, and note not only the protective look in it but the way he'd also seemed upset. You'd assumed it was a side effect of the anger, but maybe it was something else entirely.
"He doesn't talk about her. I think he kinda forced himself to forget her after the accident, but that's not important." Coyote waves a hand, "Why won't you make a move on Robby there?"
"For one, it's none of your business, but this stays between us. I'm worried that if I do those things, open my heart to him, and be vulnerable like that... something will happen. He'll get hurt or something. Being a pilot, even a WSO, is dangerous. I don't know if I'm able to be so open like that again." You sigh gently, tapping your feet along the edge of the pool, "He was my best friend for years, I can't lose him. It's selfish but I can't. Especially if we become more."
"Being in love with Navy is hard." Phoenix sighs, "but you and Rob have something special, I can see it. I'm not gonna push you towards him, hoping you'll fall in love but I don't know if It'll be as bad as you think it will be."
"I might just wait." You announce, eyes staring up to the stars. After maybe another half hour of pointless talking, Coyote announces he's off to bed, and you decide to get out too. Before you can fully leave though, Phoenix stops you, and what she says stays in your head for the rest of the night.
"I promise you, he loves you. It won't be a mistake."
#all grown up twosroos#top gun#top gun: maverick#top gun maverick#robert bob floyd#top gun fanfiction#robert bob floyd x reader#robert bob floyd x y/n#robert bob floyd x you#bob floyd x reader#bob floyd#robert floyd
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aita for not talking to my sister?
we both currently live in the same house with our mother and youngest sister, who is in elementary. the sister i don't talk to is about two years younger than me. dont want to give exact ages but we are both early adults now. we haven't spoken in about six years, just small talk that is mostly just me giving her a message or asking if she wants something to eat.
now, i stopped talking to her because we got into a fight because i told her she could not hold my little sibling (at that time my mom was the only one working and i was the one caring for my three siblings, including the eldest who is disabled, and i was the only one who knew how to care for a baby.) and she told me basically to die. and a lot of her words were just stuff she was repeating from my mom who has like this weird thing against me since ive been young, never really knew why. she would yell at me in front of my siblings and still does sometimes, though not as much since shes older. anyway, i didnt speak to my sister for about two weeks because of that and also it was not the first time she spoke to me in such a hurtful way, until some family members noticed and scolded me for it being as i am her older sibling.
i didn't feel like what she said was right but eventually i realized i do love and care for her so i did try to make it up by walking her home from school and hugging her and buying her snacks from the gas station that was near our house at the time. but i guess my actions afected her and ever sense she had no interest in speaking with me, which my mother does still constantly blame me for.
i feel bad and i did try many times to fix things and even still currently although i know she doesnt care for me i do little things for her. but she doesnt want to talk and at this point i don't feel obligated to even want to keep trying to mend our relationship when she doesnt even care.
then recently things kind of went bad, which i won't go too much into detail about, but she ended up going to a mental hospital for a few days for running away and threatening to kill herself. and she made some comments about me to my mom saying that i didn't care about her and its my fault she did those things, which my mom agreed. then she came home after begging my mom to get her and pretended as if nothing happened. i soon found out from my eldest sib (who this sister is closer to) that she only did that in hopes that she could get somethign from my mom but idk what and why she even mentioned me because then some people came around asking me if i abused her or anything and why i didnt talk to her.
but it made me angry and hurt since i have been working to be a better sibling even in this awful household, ive been trying to treat my baby sibling better too so at least she knows she's loved and not alone. i am working and going to school while she (sibling i am not talking to) gets to sit at home. i get her gifts and she doesnt even thank me. i still love her even though she hates me so much, even though i know she was just manipulated by our mom to feel that way about me. and for her to say that after ive constantly tried to be there even when she didnt want me it just hurted.
now i am so tired and im preparing to leave the house because i cant do it anymore, although i would hate to leave my younger siblings with my mom. and i think i will give up trying to mend our relationship, because i thought she could change but its becoming to much and i cant be here. i know i should not have stopped speaking with her and i regret it, but i feel like my efforts over the years should be acknowledged too.
and i just need to know am i a bad person for feeling this way? should i even keep trying?
What are these acronyms?
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"have you ever considered...that identifying out of woman/girlhood because you don't relate to the societal implications, expectations, etc... contributes to making womanhood (feel) even more restrictive?"
i thought your post on this was very interesting. ive identified as lesbian most of my life, but have been recently wondering if the identity of trans man fits me better. your post is making me wonder if i only feel this way because my true self is labelled "[gender] non conforming." im a pretty rebellious person most of the time so i am hesitant to think id be submitting to the gender binary if i transitioned like you suggest.
the thing is, i know there are gnc trans men (even though i wouldnt be one), so it does seem to me that even within transgender identities, gender expression still exists separate from sex. id just be trans because i wish i was born with a penis, not because im gnc as a woman.
but idk im really conflicted over it, and would like to hear more of your opinion since your aforementioned post caught me so off guard and further added to my self-questioning
Hi, thank you for your message and your honesty! Sorry my reply is so long but this is just such a big and complex issue and also english isn’t my first language, so I often struggle with finding the right words.
I think due to the way societies across the globe treat women, it is already very hard to be born female and not struggle with your body at some point or another and it is even harder when you are a lesbian as that is kind of seen as „doing womanhood wrong“ because a lot of the stuff that is conventionally labeled as „feminine“ or „womanly“ is centered around gaining male approval and as a lesbian this tends to either not be important at all or less so than it is for heterosexual women (i think the male gaze or whatever you wanna call it is so deeply ingrained in women from their childhood on that it can even affect lesbians in the sense that we’re trying to indirectly appeal to men even though were not even attracted to them but thats a different topic).
The wish to transition very often affects gay people in my experience (before the rise in media attention to transgenderism it was in my experience mostly gay men that transitioned and even now with females i think the percentage of gay girls/women that want to transition is waaayy higher than that of heteros) and I think the reason behind that has a lot to do with societal aversion to lesbians (and gay men too). I have heard from both trans women and detrans women that they believe their transgender journey is linked to trauma that they experienced (partially due to their homosexuality).
You wrote that you don’t think that you would submit to the gender binary by transitioning but in my opinion you would still strenghten the concept of gender itself. What is it that makes you want to transition in the first place? You said you identified as a lesbian most of your life, what changed? What made you start questioning this identity and what made you think that there was something about your body that needed to be changed?
If i understood correctly, you said that you want to transition because you wish to have a penis. There are many reasons why someone who is female would wish for that from shits-and-giggles-reasons, to practicality (like peeing standing up lol), health struggles with their female genitalia, internalized disgust about them, generalized resentment of their female body parts etc. As I dont know your personal situation I cant really have an opinion about this, however I do not believe into the narrative anymore that trans people have been „born in the wrong body“. For a long time I believed this because I too struggled a lot with my female physique, breasts, etc and could empathize with this notion. But then I realized that this would imply that our souls/brains have a sex and this is soooo sexist. This sentiment was used for thousands of years to oppress women and I hate it lol. „L’esprit n’a pas de sexe“ has already been said by Poulain de la Barre in 1673 and it holds true. No one is born in the wrong body, especially if your body is completely healthy and functional. Just like no one is born with the wrong nose or skin colour, no one is born with the wrong sex. It is the circumstances (beauty standards, racism, sexism, etc.) which people grow up and live in that make it feel as if that were the case. THESE CIRCUMSTANCES NEED TO CHANGE, NOT YOU.
I know having a female body can be so fucking hard and it can cause so much suffering and resentment but there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. You say you are rebellious and I bet that‘s true but the most rebellious thing to do as a female is to radically accept your body and fuck all expectations that society places upon you because of your sex, all stereotypes, ideals, etc.
Now you say you wish you had a penis but as said above, I think there is a reason for that wish forming in your head. I dont think anyone is born hating their sex characteristics and wishing for the opposite ones. Maybe you can work on finding out that reason (maybe you already do) and resolve it. I know that body dysmorphia and dysphoria can become so horribly bad that there are cases where a transition feels like and maybe truly is the only way out (I still dont think someone is born that way, but in some cases the damage to the way you perceive your natural body is already done and so bad that no amount of therapy and inner work can repair it, at least not in a "timely" manner), but from reading your message it doesn’t seem like this is necessarily the case for you.
It is great that you keep questioning yourself on this matter and seem to really think this through btw! I’m sure you are aware of this, but a transition (obviously) has tremendous effects on your body and mind and even some changes from HRT are hardly reversible (the permanent voice changes in ftmtf detransitioners for example and way more serious complications that can and do often happen) and especially the penis that you desire is hardly achievable. Even the absolute best results of srs for ftms are neither functional in the way a natural penis is, nor do they look like one. Depending on how bad and persistent the dysphoria was before, the result may or may not be satisfying. If complications arise, and they often do, they can be catastrophical.
One advice I would like to give might sound a bit harsh but I mean it lovingly and it is that you shouldnt even care so much about yourself or rather your identity. I genuinely never think about what my identity is or what label fits it and it is very freeing. I dont shave anything, I have very short hair, I dont ever wear makeup despite my features absolutely not fitting the current beauty standards, I wear exclusively comfortably clothes that mostly arent considered very feminine, etc. etc. but this has ZERO effect on my womanhood because me being a woman just puts a word to the fact that I’m an adult human female. I havent always felt that way and it still is hard sometimes to exist so contrary to the female societal standards but what really helps me is to see other women who do the same, sharing thoughts like your wishing to have male genitalia with women who felt the same and overcame it and are happy now with their bodies. So generally speaking: Stop revolving so much around yourself. You are capable of sooo much, you are literally a witness of life, you are consciousness, you are on this earth to observe and feel and create and do and experience and not to constantly wonder about your identity. Just BE. (I’m not quite there myself yet lol it takes time).
Ok I really rambled here and I hope this is at least somewhat coherent. No matter how you decide I really wish you the best and hope whatever you choose is the right path for you! Have a nice day <3
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pt 2
“A Jeremy-who-was-not flickers in her mind’s eye, the details of his lifeless face grown hazy over the years. She pushes the memory down, down…” even so far down their relationship, the memory still haunts her, she cannot fully move past that situation Rebekah put her in (but she can forgive klaus for actually murdering her aunt in front of her? like im kinda surprised it doesn’t cross her mind much anymore, but so much time has passed and so much has changed)
I was a bit confused by this bit “A new enticement, that tears at her heart far worse than any other of Rebekah’s previous offers, because she knows that she will ultimately turn this one down, too. To take her up on it would be to place Jeremy directly before Klaus’s wrath.”, I see it this way: she was talking about Rebekah’s offer to go a different path when Esther awakes, as in going separate ways with Klaus, which of course he wouldn’t like and consequently, kill Jeremy. She knows she will ultimately turn this proposal down too, like her rejection of vampirism, because she can’t possibly leave Klaus behind. I may not be understanding it correctly; if so, pls correct me.
“And besides. Her mother will never awaken. Things will never be different.” this is 100% foreshadowing lol
“Elena rubs her palms against the echo of the past, of a time when she had stood victorious over that glorious force of nature.” Elena reminiscing about her past with Klaus? Stood victorious when she daggered him or when she had his devotion and had an impact on his decisions??
Also I wish we could get a Stefan x Kol friendship, I feel like you kinda hinted it when Stefan walked in the opera box. It would make Klaus even more lonely and depressed than he is rn which I NEED.
“Since you were obviously digging, there’s the answer to the question you so desperately wished to ask me: here is the subject I have been most intrigued by since my rude awakening last summer” the subject is the doppelgänger and her blood’s abilities? Very interesting
Can’t wait for the next chapter cause I feel like so many things will make more sense I HATE BEING IN THE DARK. Splendid chapter, I adore it and how you wrote Kol it’s just perfect👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Well. I think that if Elena was asking Klaus to track down information on Jenna/maybe even come into some kind of contact, she would have trauma flashbacks/misgivings about that too. Like, the situation is bringing it back up. I don't think Elena really forgave either Klaus for murdering Jenna or Rebekah for her cruelties in the usual sense we mean it in... I think Elena hit a breaking point, sanity-wise, and also emotionally, and gave herself permission to accept the totality of her feelings, which included falling in love with monsters. And it was sort of like-- okay. I will accept that this happened. I will accept that I still committed the very grave sin of falling in love with you, and I will stop punishing myself for what you did. But you mustn't do it again.
And-- I recognize that the past few updates have taken me years to roll out, but she does still think of Jenna-- she brought it up directly with Klaus as recently as chapter 63! (Even though Jenna was not mentioned by name, that is who she was talking about when she told him she had "forgiven worse.")
I interpret that little flash at any rate as Elena having this moment of clarity when she remembers Rebekah is a monster, and actually sees her that way, but she suppresses it because she's not able to deal with it.
Yes, your interpretation of the enticement bit is correct-- Rebekah is saying, here, choose me, go with me when my mother wakes up, and leave Klaus behind, and I can offer you a better future-- one that includes your brother in it (and also, of course, you as a vampire!). And Elena is tempted, because this is actually the thing that would really tempt her, but she can never turn it down because 1) she won't leave Klaus, for various fucked up reasons she cannot articulate to herself but which actually come down to the fact that she is loyal to him in her heart and, like him, thinks her fate is tied to his; 2) she takes Klaus's threat to kill her loved ones if she bails seriously, and she won't take that risk, when that has been the entire point of her sticking around all this time; and 3) she knows that Esther will never wake up because, per Klaus's confession to her, she is actually dead, and she knows Klaus is lying to the rest of them about being able to wake her up (just like on the show, right? ;-D )
probably a little of both, but mostly reminiscing about that time she murdered him/conquered him
there will be some Stefan x Kol friendship this next chapter, but I wouldn't call that a good thing!
maybe especially not for Klaus?
and yes, Kol is VERY interested in Elena's latent supernatural abilities, and how that power can be turned toward certain uses...
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Gender rambling between 4-5am? Not sure who even keeps up here as sporadic as i post, but!
Gender is so weird. I have, for most of my life, never really considered my appearance. It was something that i “fought” for but never really played with? I’d toss on a tshirt, some cargo somethings, sneakers, and call it a day because for me, it was the least sensory hell and something that didnt make me dysphoric that apparently set the tone of being a trans man. I cut my hair into a rooster comb and for the most part that was my set hairstyle. I never really saw it as gendered and i liked it i guess? I liked my hair out of everything but even still sometimes sticking it up felt like a chore or could be a sensory challenge. I have been out of the house for half my life now, and yet i feel like i never got much of that teenage exploration most my peers got. Its weird to be exploring it in your thirties but here i am. I spent my early twenties as a trans man, and only managed to disown it in my late twenties during pride month when i went back to test driving they after realizing being a man gave me dysphoria too.
I have never particularly felt like a man nor a woman, but something in between. Both, sometimes neither. These days i feel like i fluctuate and so i have been cozying down in the ambiguity, thinking i might be some kind of fluid but my queer ass really feels at home with terms like faggot butch, nonbinary, gender noncompliant, transgender, or dyke. I like the idea of any pronouns but sometimes i feel sad people automatically clock me as a he/him 95% of the time because i have facial hair. They is fine for me, she is interesting, and viewing myself through she has been a wild ride in terms of things coming full circle again to my agab, in some respects. I dont hate it when i view myself as masculine like a dyke.
It’s weird because i dont want to use micro labels and yet regardless of acceptability of said labels (people dont like the reclaiming of slurs), i find myself fearfully wading through them, scared of the judgement and scared of folks accusing me of some lack of authenticity. Scared that folks will slap a stamp on my head (such as trans man) and look no further. And i suppose thats inevitable in some respects because i often just say im queer and leave it at that. Sometimes queer is all i need. People will make their assumptions and wont always understand and thats okay. The people who matter will get it.
I shaved my hair off wednesday afternoon and as much of a siren call as it was, i was scared it was going to look bad! I cant lie, though, there was something sweet and delightful about having my owner run her hand over my freshly cut head and tell me i really was her bully now after she helped shear it all off. I took some weird relief in the act and something was nice about seeing myself reflected in the mirror with a new sense of self. It was like the feeling of buying a new canvas to paint on or starting over. It kind of kickstarted me into engaging in how i look again instead of just idly accepting not looking at it in the day to day because it didnt really feel important.
Last years yule made me think about clothing, but i had kind of picked it up and put it down. I feel like this “drastic” hair cut has been a relief for not having to manage hair and how sensory overwhelming it can be, but also for my gender expression. I have thought about makeup since. I have enjoyed wearing dangly earrings with a bald head. I have been thinking about how i could feasibly look cute if i just picked up xyz or did something scary and alluring. And who knows, it might change? I might grow it back out to a rooster comb again. But for now i am enjoying the ride, i am enjoying feeling engaged with myself because i deserve more than just throwing on essentials and living my day without considering myself. It is nice feeling like i have some kind of autonomy over my appearance for a change instead of settling into something “acceptable” or just cruising along without much thought. I hope i can pull my partners along because they deserve that feeling too.
Its times like these where i wonder if this feeling of autonomy is just something people feel by default or if they work more or less to get to this point? I dunno, but i am happy to have gotten here.
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