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#bc i pick up EVERYTHING

carnivalcarriondiscarded · 8 months

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I'm surprised you haven't posted any Welcome home stuff recently! Honestly kinda makes me sad since I love your WH art and stuff

yea y'all are gonna have to be Patient w/ me bc

a) i have like. a week left to pack all of my stuff before i need to shove everything into a uhaul and leave, so its crunch time! leaving little to no energy/interest in anything else

b) to be honest my mental health is the worst its been in years - which is fine, its whatever, i can deal. it's not as bad as it could be and im handling it! like a champ, even! but also its leaving little to no energy/interest in anything else

c) had a minor crisis over my art and how i interact w/ WH, and i realized im not scribbling enough of what I want. ive mostly been trying to please people and do as asked and thats! not good! so i want to temper expectation & reassert that im Not a WH art blog - its just a hyperfixation / something i love rn. i draw what i enjoy & what i want in the moment.

#i picked up my tablet last night and all of my motivation died on the spot #so im just. eh whatever ill get back into the swing of things eventually #but yeah im spending my time packing & keeping myself afloat! not much room for other things at present!#rambles from the bog #but yeah i was starting to feel like a commodity of sorts?#like the majority of asks are just some form of 'can you draw this' 'draw this' 'id love it if youd draw this'#which is. fine. im an art blog! thats what i do!#but its also like hey. im just some guy doodling what they enjoy. im not a machine churning out content for consumption #& it gets to the point where there's so much expectation and obligation and 'demand'-#when do i ever sit down and truly indulge in what i want?#like the monster scribble i posted the other day! it made me so happy! i love monsters and Beasts!#when do i ever allow myself to draw them?#rarely bc i feel like people Expect puppets from me. and thats not a great feeling!#i love puppets i love wh and everything but i would like to enjoy it w/o pressure yk yk....#& for a second there i Was feeling the pressure and scribbling puppets was starting to feel like a chore #something i Needed to do to please people #so! im focusing on real life & taking a break from creation & keeping my mindset away from 'jump into traffic' thankyew <3 #theres just too much going on right now #in my head And outside of it.#so ill stick to packing & binging psych & i'll lovingly place everything else on the backburner

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stuckinapril · 4 months

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It just clicked for me that I’m going to be all-consumingly devoted to intensive studying for the next month. I’ve been more ambivalent since the year started, bc I honestly miss my friends and want to pursue a lot of hobbies I’ve been dying to pick up, but I want nothing more than to ace an upcoming test that will genuinely determine so much of the trajectory of my life. I’ve already been studying pretty consistently for it, but now I’m actually letting go of my expectations for other things while this is going on. Putting all this pressure on myself has done nothing but slow me down. Like my brain is actually shifting into study camp mode. It’ll be back to waking up at 4 am, studying for 8 hours a day minimum, crunching flash cards w my morning drink/on the treadmill, getting so much done before noon, and not feeling guilty if other areas of my life suffer a little bit. Nothing outside of this matters.

#im going to treat it like a sport bc it is #obvi I’ll still be volunteering / doing orgo research / going to the neuro clinic #but studying is my top priority for sure #hitting the gym / watching movies / fun stuff peppered in between will keep me sane during this #and also seeing friends bc I just need my wonderful friends. but it’s ok if it’s less frequent for now. it’s fine #I was doing great last year and then this year started and my resolutions started overwhelming me and I just haven’t been doing as strongly #the time will pass anyway #I love studying so this won’t be a problem #but I’ve just been up and down ab it lately bc I wanna pick up so much stuff at once #but now that I’ve realized this I’m at ease again. there’s a time for everything. one month off to study is fine #hopelessly devoted to you by olivia newton john but it’s about me and my test #p

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feroluce · 15 days

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Belobog was my fave main quest but a lot of it is so. Contradictory. It's like they had multiple groups doing different shit and none of them checked in with each other for consistency. And you see this so much in Gepard's profile.

So in the main quest, they made him unfailingly, unquestionably loyal to Cocolia. Gepard's character arc is him learning to question authority etc etc. And this isn't even a bad thing; that's a story worth telling! It makes good conflict between him and Serval! And I love that we got Gepard as a boss battle and I get to see him all the time in SU!

But then you look at his character stories and it's like. The complete opposite.

According to his profile, Gepard has already HAD this awakening, long before the Astral Express, and he'd already decided Cocolia sucks. Even outside of his stories, there's a pretty damning readable between him and Pela.

He even disobeyed direct orders right in front of her- he has been disobeying orders for a while now!

So I've decided I'm marrying the two different sides of this into a 1.5k fic-ish thingy, because I think there's some fun potential there with Gepard not trusting Cocolia, but still having to pretend to be a good obedient little soldier.

Anyway. I love to think of it as like. Gepard knows Cocolia has sunk into her apathy. He can see it in her eyes every time he looks at her. She doesn't care. Not about him, not about Pela, not about all his soldiers on the frontlines giving their lives to protect the citizens. And that's... It makes him bristle a bit, but ok. Gepard can deal with this. Even if Cocolia no longer cares, as long as she does her job then it's fine. Having compassion behind an action doesn't matter as much as the action itself. If Cocolia's heart is no longer swayed, then he'll just have to care twice as hard to pick up the slack. He considers it part of his duty as a captain of the guard anyway. It's fine. Gepard can deal with it.

And then, Cocolia starts coming down to the restricted zone. Issuing direct orders.

And Gepard realizes he is in way over his head.

Because Cocolia orders him to stay back and issue commands from the ramparts, away from all his comrades, away from where he can protect them.

Gepard had thought nothing could be as bad as watching a fellow guard die right next to him. But the first time he watches someone struck by a killing blow, so far away, it hurts. Every defensive scar across his arms itches, his fingers curl in want of a weapon, the cold cannot numb his hands enough as they desperately ache for his shield. It hurts.

Gepard tries to find any reason to stay. Because surely... He knows Cocolia has lost her love for her people, but surely... She wouldn't...

One day, Cocolia orders for their gunners to advance 20 yards. There are no survivors. She almost looks like she smiles.

Gepard doesn't sleep that night.

Pela brings him the report at the end of the first month; and then the month after that, and the month after that. A significant uptick in losses, and all of it started on that first day Cocolia started overriding his authority and issuing her own orders. The ends of Gepard's pens have all been nearly chewed off. Pela outright calls Cocolia an idiot, and Gepard corrects her. Cocolia isn't an idiot. Gepard had known her through Serval, knew her through all her college years and then some, and he knows how intelligent she is. It's not that she's stupid, and it's not that she's inexperienced, it's nothing of the sort.

Cocolia knows exactly what she's doing.

She must, there's no way she could make such a horrible mess of things so badly by accident. And Pela, quick as a whip, sharp as a tack, always too smart for her own good, catches onto the meaning behind Gepard's correction without any further prompting. The tent goes deathly quiet, nothing but the wind howling outside.

"...She's trying to kill us," Pela whispers, her voice swiftly suffocated by the silence.

Gepard swallows. He can't bring himself to correct her this time. There is nothing he could say that he would actually mean.

His gaze drops, back down to his desk and the reports on it. The names aren't listed, just the numbers, but Gepard knows them, knew them, and there must be something wrong, something he's missing, because why, why would she-? What could this possibly accomplish-?

“Gepard! Focus!” Something snaps right under his nose, and Gepard startles, eyes instantly honing in on Pela's irritated face as she leans over his desk. She holds his gaze for a moment before she huffs and begins to pace, wedges a knuckle between her teeth and bites like Gepard hasn't seen her do since cadet school.

Pela angrily strides from one end of his tent to the other, words hissed between her grit teeth. “What are we going to do?” In the dim lighting, Gepard can just barely see the damp spot of blood weeping under her gloves. “We need a plan.”

“A plan?”

“Wh- Yes, a plan! Unless you want more people to die!” Pela rounds on him then, all the wrath of a blizzard, winds roaring and snow sharp enough to cut.

“We don't even know-”

“What does it matter?! She killed-!!” Pela cuts off with a garbled noise when Gepard leaps up from his desk, hastily shoves his hand over her mouth. The prosthetic, not the flesh one, because he knows better than to assume Pela won't seize the opportunity to leave teeth marks in his skin.

“You're right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry; you're right. But you need to keep quiet.” Pela quirks an eyebrow at him and Gepard can read the question in her face. “Because we both saw what she did to Serval,” he hisses.

It's amazing the snow plains haven't thawed out yet, the amount of heat Pela can put behind a glare. The mere mention of Serval, and the smoking ruins Cocolia had made of her life and career, have her bristling up like a riled cat. The sudden hot breath she takes fans fog across his metal skin, and Gepard wisely keeps it in place until Pela finally sighs and reaches up, taps her fingertips against the back of his hand.

The second she's free, Pela bats him away and then her knuckle is right back between her teeth again, Gepard leaning back against his desk with his arms crossed to watch her resume her pacing. “If we spread the word, she'll have us discharged and make sure we can't even touch the frontlines,” Pela's voice seethes like an open sore. Gepard nods but keeps his silence. He knows better than to get in her way.

“And if you and I are both out of the picture, Belobog is fucked.” A little harsher than how he would have put it, but there's no denying that they're both important to the city's survival. Pela has the restricted zone running as efficiently as ever, and Gepard had become the youngest captain on record for a reason. “We need to keep this tight under wraps, at least for now… It can't leak to anyone higher up the chain.” Another nod. “Serval might know other discontents…” Another n-

Gepard's head snaps up. “No.”

“No what?”

“No. We're not involving Serval in this.”

Somehow, even the same tone that leaves entire squadrons shaking in their boots has never worked on her. “You're not deciding that for her, Gepard.”

Pela hadn't seen the worst of it, though, back when his sister had just been banned from the Architects. Serval's pride hadn't allowed it. Pela wasn't the one to find her passed out bottle still in hand, hadn't been the one to wash the sick out of her hair or carry her to bed.

Serval still has trouble thinking clearly when it comes to Cocolia, still can't quite bring herself to be objective. And Gepard maybe doesn't want her to be purely objective- but he would worry a lot less if she thought twice before she acted more often.

“At least let me be the one to bring it up to her.”

“Whatever, fine,” Pela gestures affirmatively at him as she paces past, and Gepard sighs. Good, at least that's one thing he can help.

From there, it's a lot of hemming and hawing and frustration. Cocolia has them under her boot, and Gepard and Pela both know it. Even with the way she's been cracking down on freedoms lately, Cocolia is still, overall, liked by the people. It's unlikely anyone would believe them. They don't even have solid proof, because most people don't know Cocolia as well as they do and won't see the clues in the same light.

The Fragmentum has been ramping up in recent years, too. Everyone is struggling just to survive as is, they can't afford a fight on two fronts. Gepard is a damn good captain, one of the best for that matter. But they're at a massive disadvantage, his experience is narrowed to fighting a defensive battle against monsters, that's all he's ever done. That's all anyone there has ever done. He has no way of finding first-hand knowledge for taking the offensive against a human opponent, and if he goes at this blind, there's no way he'll get everyone out unscathed. He's going to lose people. He's going to lose a lot of people.

He'd never thought before that Cocolia would have it in her to have someone killed. And with this new knowledge, he has no guarantee she won't go after Serval or Lynx if she decides to retaliate.

Gepard has to remind himself to breathe when he realizes this.

Pela writes down every name the two of them can come up with. Lists and lists of names and groups and anyone they can think of who might be an ally in all of this. They memorize every bit of it, make their plans of who to talk to and when. Gepard watches the sparks reflect off Pela's glasses as they burn the evidence together.

Pela finally leaves, far too late to make it home, but says she wants to stay in the restricted zone anyway to investigate. Gepard watches her make her way in the direction of Dunn's tent, watches her back until she's out of his sight and squashes down the urge to follow and keep an eye on her. His tent feels empty.

In the morning, Gepard is up before the wake up bells. He drags himself out of bed, leads his soldiers through their morning training. The same people gravitate to each other everyday. Friend groups and training partners. There's an ongoing rivalry between a few squadrons that everyone bets on. Some of them have lockets around their necks, keepsakes, mementos. Some of them wear wedding rings.

Gepard is suddenly, painfully aware of something acidic clawing at the inside of his throat, of a heavy weight low in his chest that blooms, takes up room until it threatens to spread his ribs. His mouth tastes of bile and blood.

He rearranges the schedules. Puts himself down for every open patrol into the Fragmentum, makes sure he'll be on the frontlines every single time Cocolia visits.

He only hopes that it's enough.

#honkai star rail #gepard landau #hsr gepard #pelageya sergeyevna #hsr pela #hsr #smacking Gepard out of Hoyo's hands and running off with him skzjmdkd #tentatively Figuring Out how to write these two... It feels a little tricky starting out with extreme circumstances like this haha #I feel like a lot of people see Gepard as naive for trusting Cocolia so much but I don't think that's quite it. He's not stupid.#He's not even naive.#He's someone who has been groomed since birth by his own parents to be an obedient Guard and nothing outside of that role.#You are not immune to propaganda etc etc #But even then there are a lot of things like all the included screenshots where he. Doesn't actually seem to like/trust Cocolia much.#I think Serval was a really good influence on him as a kid. He might have turned out much much worse without her.#and even with how I've written him here. I don't think he's normally slow to act or one to stand aside and make other people lead.#it's just that this specifically was a pretty extreme circumstance for him.#and also he openly states elsewhere that Pela is overbearing and he tries not to interfere with her work whenever possible nskzhdjdjd #Pela too. I don't know that I normally see her as someone with a bad temper or quick to anger.#But again; extreme circumstances haha #Bc like. they both would have seen what happened to Serval when she stood up to Cocolia. they know damn well what's going to happen to them.#if they fuck this up and get caught then they're done.#and I mean. What are they supposed to do? they're two people against the highest authority of the entire nation.#regardless I do love Gepard agonizing over this in the future after Bronya takes over and everything has settled down #did he do the right thing? did he make the right choice? if he went vigilante how many soldiers would have died without his protection?#would Belobog have fallen completely? how many people died because he DIDN'T run away? was it actually enough?#I love characters forced between a rock and a hard place. no good options. pick your poison.#no winning- only weighing what you can and cannot bear to lose.#make your choice and decide whether you want to rot or to burn.

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hiding-under-the-willow · 7 months

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Not to be slightly pretentious about my own art for a second but I'm up thinking about the repeated visual imagery I've developed in my wkm fanart

Specifically the twin stars as Celine and Damien post WKM, particularly in their relation to Wil. How it's about them haunting the narrative. How it's about them still being there in Dark and yet not being there at all. How it's about the ways Wil still sees them in everything. How he misses them and how he carries on with that weight, with their legacy (the same reason I often draw him with star motifs of his own. Always carrying them with him in his own little ways.)

#atlas.art #atlas speaks #i wonder sometimes how many people pick up on it bc everytime i think about this shit it drives me a little insane #they are everything to me do you get it #the fucking 'Woke Up New' Wil drawing still gets me despite all the ass jokes people made about it for this specific reason #it was the first and arguably most effective use of this symbol considering it set the standard for it's meaning #also yes the stars were also a part of the reason i drew the barbie outfit drawing lmao have fun never looking at that one the same again #also not included here but slightly relevant is the google drawing with the stars #considering the specific ideas i have about google's path towards humanity and its relationship to Dark and his humanity so #anyways I'm done being pretentious now probably i swear

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jemmo · 6 months

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also i know we are all losing our minds over the way mohk looks at day, but i also think this ep esp and a lil bit of ep 4 made me so hyper aware of the way mohk touches day, how touch factors into their relationship and how mohk is almost trying to find a way to differentiate between touch that is like functional i guess?? part of his job as a caretaker and touch that is affectionate and bc he wants to touch as you would want to touch someone you have feelings for, not just bc he has to in order to help day. it’s the way before, and don’t quote me on this bc i don’t have a great memory, it’s just the vibe im left with, mohk was always close to day physically but never touched him as much as he does now. but now, esp on that date after august didn’t show up bc it was a date, he has his hand on his back and on his knee and slides it up his arm and these are all things the camera frames and focuses on so we can see that mohk is introducing touch that isn’t purely functional. and that’s hard for him to kind of wordlessly try to convey to day in this tentative kind of way, it is for anyone with feelings really to start crossing that line, but it’s bc the line was already crossed day one for them that it feels harder for mohk to convey that this is different. this isn’t just them walking around with their arms linked, this is him touching day bc he wants day to know he’s there and feel his presence and be reassured but also just bc he wants to touch day. simple as that. and after august’s introduction and how much focus there was on him touching day, it also feels very much like mohk wants day to know that it is him there.

#i just go absolutely feral over the physical acting in this show they are just nailing it #like those touches give me shivers down my spine they are just so soft but feel really solid and purposeful and it’s maddening that I can’t #tell how day registers them bc you very much get what mohk is feeling here you just don’t know whether day is picking up on these signals #that feel very purposeful from mohk but might get lost in the noise of everything else for day #last twilight

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orcelito · 10 months

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one thing i noticed looking back at the start of trimax volume 12... we get that whole sequence where Vash is standing at the precipice & thinking about his past

i'd like to draw attention to This bit:

i didnt notice it when i first read it, but... that sleeve bit there? he's holding his arm. we don't get to see what he's actually thinking, but he's holding the bicep of his left arm - the arm he lost. considering he's standing in wait of Knives for their final battle, he's clearly remembering the time he lost it. to Knives.

(more notes under the cut)

he proceeds to think through the mistakes he's made and the people he's met... but something noteworthy that I find really interesting is that anime-only characters are present in the lineup.

take these two pages.

it's the sheriff lady and the rich dude from 98 episode 2

the plant engineer from Lost July, episode 6

the fake Vash the Stampede & Frank Marlon (not the other Marlon we meet in the manga, who's his grandson) from episode 3

the boomerang guy (who is in the manga Technically, though we didnt see vash meet him) & the blonde gunman from episode 1. and the dancing girl & her guy friend from episode 11.

all "filler", supposedly, but Vash knows them. the implication of this being that Vash has had some amount of those adventures even in the manga (though the different Marlons makes that part a little more muddied - maybe he knew Frank Marlon in a similar way to the anime, though the girls couldn't have been there in this version if he's the current Marlon's grandfather).

also please just admire this pic of meryl and milly bc i love them so much

anyways.

the spreads continue until we reach this iconic page:

Vash went through his memories of all the people he met to steel himself for the battle to come, but these are the last two he thinks about. The two he arguably holds dearest in his heart, and the two whose losses hurt him the most. He remembers Rem as she was, smiling lovingly down at him. He remembers Wolfwood as he left him. Just a grave.

Their memory calms him. He's thinking of the reasons he's fighting, and they're the most important ones.