#bc i have a wonderful job and i like it and it's okay and it's allowing me to do the things i've wanted to do for so long
Note
i love makoto so much but fanon does her so much better (the good parts of the fandom) because in the game her character is so lack luster. they butchered her confidant it is so borning and not even about her. they made her a cop. A COP. they pushed this "canon waifu" role onto her (before sumire came along and did it Even Worse). and it SUCKS because SHE IS SO MUCH MORE!!! SHE IS SO MUCH BETTER!!!! SHE COULD'VE BEEN SO MUCH BETTER!!! the way i feel about canon makoto is the same way i feel about the canon ryuji events post komoshida where he's horribly mistreated and used purely as comic relief: i ignore them <3 my game now <3 never happened <3 my ocs <3
You are so right. I generally apply this to all characters in p5 bc the game does such a shit job of staying consistent with character arcs and personalities. Theres a desperate need to throw in perverse jokes at the expense of female characters and a need to show that the police (as a whole) are reliable people who are not influenced by things like money and power; only the BAD cops do that. Not to mention this obvious fatphobia and homophobia but i feel likes thats a given.
But back to Makoto. Shes a victim of bad writing just like everyone else. Ryuji during the kamoshida arc was fighting with self loathing and genuine anxiety, and aside from the like. One comment on Panthers outfit in the metaverse, hes more than well behaved. All of that is shelved as soon as Kamoshida is gone and replaced with him being weird comic relief (and the focus of alot of sexual jokes that were nonexistent in the beginning of the game). Anns arc about self love and empowerment is completely dropped as soon as the nasty bad guy is put away (so that its good to be weird about her w the Good Guys). Makoto loses her a chunk of her personality to be the mature waifu which is INSANE to me bc shes like. Not okay or normal at all 😭😭😭 she THINKS shes responsible and so does everyone else on her team, but its an act! She doesnt know shit! And she doesnt know that she doesnt know shit bc shes respectful and adults dont care about anything as long as u respect them!
Its very telling that for literally every single thief (and goro), you can see the exact moment the writers gave up on adding anything of worth to their characters outside of the social links. Its like they didnt know what to even do w the characters at their disposal after their main arcs were complete. No mention of friends hanging out without you, no mention of having group hangouts. Everyone is treated as a core, important member of the friend group DURING their arc, but outside of it, they are acquaintances at best. Theres nothing in the game that convinces you that these guys are legitimately friends who care for each other and do Friend Things. And i describe it like that bc there IS a game that treats them all as friends, and its strikers! Strikers/Scramble genuinely feels like the game p5 wanted to be; a road trip w your team where they stay up at night talking to each other and hanging out and doing things together that dont necessarily include you, the player. Its refreshing and lovely but it sucks that u get that kind of attention to detail in a ‘spinoff’ title
#chattin#i hesitate to use spinoff bc its a pretty big game#and theres an amazing plot with wonderful characterization#and their handling of jails and jail owners is LEAGUES better than the bs they tried to make up w palace users#and all the thieves feel like family. and not in the annoying fandom way; like#were family in the same way a family is forged and tended to. i love you. no one is left behind. no one is made to feel inferior another#its really good and honestly if u want more interactions between everyone i really recommend a playthrough#but yeah#p5 sucks#i love it but i love the version of it i made in my head LMAO#maybe p5r did a better job w the dialogue and some questionable scenes#(i wouldnt know. i didnt play it lol)#so maybe thats what people need to be using as a point of reference#but i only plyed p5 so this is what i have; a group of people who show up for meetings and then go about their life#and that kinda sucks. why make this wholly unique experience in which these teens can only relate to each other#make them bonded over their shared experience w this unbelievable world#and then not only make them NOT interact; but have the end be ‘okay by akira.’ and leave it at that#they just. didnt know what to do w anyone#they needed their girls to be waifubait and the boys to be an afterthought#they needed a buffet of older woman for pathetic men to fuck through their self insert#and they needed a story convoluted enough to keep people stuck trying to figure it out themselves#its bad. its so bad. its so fucking bad. but i have to be here. WE have to be here.#bc who else is going to take these characters out of hell and treat them right ??!!!
25 notes
·
View notes
Text
practicing gratitude about this past year tonight and it IS actually helping?? a lot????????? unbelievable
#things im really grateful for: moved out and away! to the other side of the country! for a new job (first job!!!!!) which was terrifying but#it's been FIVE months and ive genuinely never felt prouder of myself for making it through!!!!!#and even though there HAS been some really really Bad Brain Days this job has allowed me to meet so many interesting people#and it also has allowed me to have a better view of my future; to understand what i really want to do; and given me the boost i needed to#work extra hard to get into my masters program (asylum and immigration law!!!)#ive also became less of a people pleaser and learned to stood up for myself more; get more accomodations and opportunities without stopping#myself to get them bc i didnt deserve them or whatever#i did SO many scary things that felt like pulling my own teeth out but 95% of these things worked out okay in the end#i even got a new job opportunity!!!! i was OFFERED a job????!?!?!?!???! can you believe it????!?!?#GOT MY AUTISM DIAGNOSIS#came out to my therapist! said a lot of scary things to scary people but i did it SCARED. AND IT WORKED OUT#ive accomplished so many things this year and grown up and healed a lot. sure there were bad days but - overall?#im so grateful im alive. im so grateful i got to meet so many wonderful & lovely people#(if youve read all of this please know that i love YOU and also i hope hope HOPE you had a wonderful year; or if you didnt then that the#upcoming year will be nothing but kind and supportive to you! 🌱🎀💫)
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
yall this old lady craft group is the best thing ever and i want to cry thinking abt how grateful i am to have it fjfkdl i think this might be the one group that i feel wholly welcomed into and actually a real part of for the first time in my life ;-; ♡
the group leader always seems to want me to sit next to her and her daughter is always interested in seeing what im working on when she comes at the end and she also tells me abt different crochet patterns she's seen on fb marketplace or she brings in old patterns for me to look through and take what i want, and then the card maker lady is offering to give me this big old crocheted clown doll that her mum made her years ago and she immediately offered to give me a ride home without me even saying anything (so that i wouldnt have to try take it home on the bus fjdkdl), and they were all super excited for me when i told them I was able to fix my accordion, and they just... treat me like an equal and a human person and fjdksl man ... it's so nice
AND IM JUST 😭💗 about it all !!!! it all feels so foreign to me !!!! i do not know when I've ever felt so fully part of a group and an equal to everyone there !!!
#and theyre always so happy to see me when i arrive fjfkdl#I've had coworkers be happy to see me but thats always been bc i was like... useful and made them feel good LMAO#its so easy to have coworkers enjoy ur presence if u do ur job well and compliment them when they do things well#or even just like. hey i like ur shoes. just simple things go a long way#so ppl have been happy to see me in the past but its only been bc i was useful to them ;-;#BUT THIS !!! this is just me being part of a group !!! i am an equal !!! its such a wild feeling !!!#im like... a full person !! its crazy !!#now granted. idk if they'd treat me the same if they knew that im queer and like. very mentally ill but DHDJDLL#thats okay idk i can live with not sharing those aspect of me bc it doesnt feel important in that setting#AUGGHHH it is just such a good feeling idk fjfldl i wish i could express it better#when u have been lesser ur entire life it is so incredible and wonderful to be treated as an equal#i did not realize how EASY it could be to socialize and feel safe with ppl if they'd just ... treat u like a human and an equal#like idk if I've ever felt so safe in my life around other ppl before fjfkdl this is crazy#ANYWAYS IM GETTING TOO DEEP ABT IT MAYBE SORRY FJFKDL im just soooo in awe that i get to experience this#and i wanted to share this bit of joy djfkdld#dandy.cmd
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
yells!! i'm gonna update my resume and put in some applications but i don't wanna!!
#i hate trying to sell myself as an employee bc all i can think about is the ways in which i'm not qualified :((#like yes i do have good qualities and i can brag a bit but i'm thinking about my day-shift only availability and#my lack of experience/education the entire time#like there's a job for a librarian's assistant!!! i want it!!! but dude i have no experience with that sort of thing#i've done strictly customer service and sales stuff BUT i'm a really good student and computers aren't hard for me to figure out#BUT ALSO they prefer a 2-year degree and i'm still completing mine so i'm ;;;;;;;v;;;;;;;;#anyway sorry to vent on here!! i'm just nervous and hate the job hunting process#and while i could easily pick up a customer service job i wanna change it up if i can#or at least surround myself with things i like -- like books or skincare/makeup and whatnot#if i can't get work relevant to my future career that's okay but i at least wanna be able to enjoy talking about it you know#OKAY SORRY ASDFGH#lemme stop rambling and just do the hard thing and perhaps distract myself from nerves with a bit of writing and plotting uvu#i truly hope y'all are having a wonderful thursday <3#if you also have to do hard things i believe in you!!! you got this!!!!#get ready to ramble | ooc
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
got the badges for gone fission evp 400 + evp 600 yesterday! .52 gal, l-3 nozzlenose, dread wringer, and squiffer make for quite the synergistic team!
my peak was EVP 810 (appx 300-310% HL). my high score of 151 eggs was obtained somewhere in evp 300...? i'm pretty satisfied with how it went, even if i didn't get HLM or 9s.
some thoughts/reflections on good freelancing teams/traits to develop when trying to rank up in evp under the cut:
i think grinding this rotation was pretty fun- all of the weapons have excellent mobility and i think they cover for each other really well! the l-3 was not my favorite weapon going into it but i think i really enjoyed the accuracy and mobility of it, so it's a bit more favorable for me now :)
i ended up reaching a skill wall in EVP 760-780 where i could not get past wave 2 or 3 (usually for quota related reasons, the quota is BRUTAL! we'd miss it by like 4-5 ish... ofc this partially relates to how well bosses are handled).
the grind for evp was a mix of freelance and grouping up (freelance for 230 -> 440s, grouping up for 440 - 750~, and then testing myself in freelance for that last bit).
i enjoyed the bits of freelance i did, and from my playtime i think these were some of the key traits/practices that indicate "good salmon run skills" to me:
players that know their weapons role(s) and target the appropriate salmonid (but also being willing to break that when priority targets haven't been taken care of)
knowing when a teammate needs help (with a boss or being revived) or when the teammate has a situation under control (e.g. someone's already on the fishstick, you can do something else)
proactive use of specials when problem targets appear, preferably with no overlap (e.g. tri-strike and inkjet activated on the same flyfishes is not the best)
using specials like booyah bomb, triple splashdown, and reefslider to clear basket area in the last 30 seconds to help eggs get in (especially important past evp 600)
teams that paint the walls first thing (especially whoever had the dread wringer). all interior walls for fission can be painted within the first 10 seconds imo
forwarding eggs closer to the basket after splatting static bosses (throwing one egg, and then swimming up with one)
players with good judgment; knowing when to lure (mostly for initial boss spawns), and knowing when to leave the big shot cannon
being able to figure out which directions snatchers come from and what eggs they can help you collect
i think these practices all stem from having good awareness and being able to collect information about the shift. it helps with making snappy quick-fire decisions, and it just gets more important the higher up in EVP you go. camera positioning/control is essential for this (you can't figure out where bosses/teammates are if your back is turned to them).
for me, every 7-10 seconds, i like to rotate my camera around to the opposite side of where i'm currently looking to make sure there isn't any bosses i'm missing. i'm hardly in one place longer than 5-10 seconds and i try to always be on the move. the spawn direction where salmonids come from are always changing, so it's essential to rotate around the map proactively rather than reactively. i think this also helps a lot with shotcalling in groups too (since you can be someone else's pair of eyes).
other than boss spawns/teammate locations (for revives), i think it's also important to notice when certain bosses haven't been taken care of for prolonged periods of time too, so that a special can be popped. to me it's usually a sign that someone whose ill equipped to deal with that boss has been forced to deal with them because the people with the "right" weapon are focused on something else... (no fault to them, of course, everyone has different priorities and you can't always communicate clearly in freelance)
in situations where squiffers were chased by a pack of scrappers, perhaps a booyah bomb or splashdown can be popped to help if you don't have the time to stun and splat them manually. maybe the fish sticks were left unattended by the shooters, so a triple inkstrike or a crab/inkjet shot can help clear them out.
awareness also extends to meeting quota, which imo involves paying attention to the timer + where eggs are located. i find that it's nice to check in with the timer/quota at 50s and 30s respectively so that you can start forwarding eggs closer to basket. and when everyone's going crazy about quota not being met i try to make sure i'm not overstepping anyone else's egg pile so that no one goes "wait no thats the egg that i wanted to pick up fuck i have to go back and get a different one."
i think this is why sometimes playing in groups is easier. if you have more sets of eyes that you can communicate with, it alleviates the need to have awareness of "everything" (provided that you can comms effectively). someone can be attuned to different things (e.g. my friend always tells us where snatchers come from and if they're good, i'm personally attuned to where people need to be revived, etc.). you also know what specials you have access to, unlike in freelance where you're not sure what others have until they use them.
the other part of completing shifts successfully (to me) is being mechanically sound with your movement, mostly in regards to how you use the terrain (walls) to get around the map and escape situations. the more you play a map the more you'll figure out how you can move around on it.
some examples, using the location callouts from salmonrun.ink: there were a few times i'd go on the harbor but i could escape any salmonids in the bridge area by climbing the walls there and squidrolling out as needed. sometimes on high tide i would swim from the perch to the left plat.
sub-strafing is also good to know too, especially when you want to rapidly collect the basket eggs at the end. i still need to integrate it into other parts of my gameplay, but it's helpful!
uh. this was way longer than intended because i have WAY too many thoughts about salmon run. TL;DR: The key to succeeding your shifts is having good awareness which comes from good information collecting practices, and having the mechanical skill to act on that awareness without hesitation.
there's definitely a lot that goes on in sensory overload the game™, so it will take time to build these muscles and reaction times. i think while at every rank of salmon run you may face a wall of "i'm overwhelmed by the bosses," the exact fix needed to get past it usually varies, so it's important to figure out what information you were missing or what actions you could've taken (more efficient movement or special usage, usually).
or if you're struggling with quota, try to practice forwarding eggs or take a look where snatchers come from (even if people splat them, it's still a good practice 2 develop for later evp. source: i don't fucking do it and it's biting me in the ass)
and most importantly, recognize when you're in the midst of a loss streak/skill wall, so that you can take a break and focus on other things that energize you! even if there's a certain goal you want to meet, grinding for higher levels of EVP and getting better at the game can be a very exhausting process. you can always come back to the grind later, whether if it's after a 30 minute break, or just a different rotation!
#splatoon 3#lizz.jpg#lizz.txt#i did like 93 jobs of this rotation if anyone is curious. average waves cleared 2.2. point card was 31315p#im so normal about salmon run this is my favorite mode in the game that even though i have 2x the hours of my friend she's higher leveled-#in the pvp multiplayer than i am (but also she uses exp tickets and i dont because im a money enjoyer)#honestly i do wonder what i could've done differently with evp 740ish bc i could NOT stick around with a group WHICH IS SO FAIR#though it is a little disorienting to go between 300 to 320 HL with every new group of people HAHA#i do think it's the snatchers i gotta pay more attention to but damn idk when they spawn lol#and maybe my specials could get more value for them. i never go a shift without using them but idk#i think there's also been a lot of dying in general. like 3-5 deaths for everyone so it's def a movement/not keeping up with boss issue#in some form...? so maybe if i get to the point where my specials are back to proactive use and not 'for surviving this first wave'#i'll be golden and good to go for 9s... still very valuable learning experience though!#it would have definitely been easier to get to 9s if i reached certain evp ranks earlier to play with more experienced people but#where is the learning in that? LOL. i just feel like you're really forced 2 confront what you suck at when all the 'good people' are-#already at 9s or some higher VP y'know. and then when you get booted down to a lower VP for the next roto. it feels so much easier#and its like wait! maybe i'm okay at this game actually#anyway i don't think i'll be playing salmon for extended period of time for the next week otherwise im gonna be tetris effect'd LOL
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Pacing back and forth rapidly rambling to my parents like a mad man trying to figure out whether or not I experienced sexism at film school today or if these guys are just assholes in a different way
#ramblings of a lunatic#like they made a couple comments about how one woman in the department (who's always stressed bc she has a busy job)-#-clearly doesn't ''like guys'' and gave them the wrong equipment to set them up for failure (??? okay???)#and proceeded to organise things so that. none of the other members (who were all girls and here's where i can't tell if it's coincidence)#-had ANYTHING to do on set. like didn't ask them to set up tripods (we all went to thr class where you learn to set up tripods...)#didn't ask them even to hold things or plug things in (they did ask me but only bc i spoke up and volunteered multiple times)#didn't even really talk to us much bc they were off in their own world setting up equipment (that we didn't need btw)#and i can't tell if they were just really focused or being exclusionary!#and i don't think there's a clear answer to any of this. if it did happen it's almost definitely unintentional.#it might've just been bad optics. again unintentional. and i don't know how the other girls felt or if they were bothered#so i can't claim to speak to collective experience#I'm just. I'M JUST PACING WONDERING IF I'M CRAZY#also i told them the one day i was available was today and they showed up and proceeded to have nothing for me (or any of the girls) to do#and now i don't even know what i could do. maybe ask the editor if they want an edit assist bc that's one of the roles#siiighhhh#also feel it's important to mention that one of the guys was on the autism spectrum#so i can't tell how much of it was exclusion bc he thinks he's the only one competent enough to do these tasks (and that coincidentally-#-the only other guy in the group is also the only one competent enough to help him)#or if he was just having a relatable social ineptitude moment where he didn't realise the rest of us felt useless and excluded#and i don't know how much that context effects the end result BC I DON'T KNOW IF THIS WAS REAL OR IF I'M JUST A HASHTAG FEMINAZI SJW LIB#UGH#(use of the word feminazi was ironic parody of the way sexists speak pls pls pls don't think i ever talk like that irl)
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
with another year gone, i'm still pleasantly surprised when i think about how long i've stuck with this blog. i don't think i've ever remained active like this save for when i first began rping and everything was so laid back and easy. i know i've said it before, but it's really thanks to the mutuals i've been lucky enough to find! it might not hit every day, but i feel inspired when i think about my characters here, the dynamics i have with you guys, and the threads and asks waiting to be written together. it's so easy to lose inspiration when you feel like you're talking to an empty room, when you feel like there isn't anyone interested in your creations, but that's not how i feel here. you all make me feel like what i write is worth reading, even when it's something silly and unimportant, and i cannot tell you all how much that means to me <3
that being said, i hope to be a better mutual and friend to all of you this coming year! i hope to laugh and cry and yell over our dorks together, and i hope to make you want to pummel me bc yeah, i did just write something angsty you didn't ask for! i hope 2023 treats all of us well, and if it doesn't, that we'll still be able to handle it together! is that cheesy? i don't care bc i'm saying all of this to express that you silly little writers with your headcanons and lore make me happy and thus!! i will never stop showering y'all with my love u3u
#the i took way too long to type this out asdf#and i still wonder if it comes across properly that y'all really are the best in my eyes#like i've never felt so comfortable and relaxed writing on tumblr -- at least not since chiyo's first blog#and i'd say it's better now bc i don't feel obligated to come online if i'm not feeling it#my job leaves me exhausted? well i'll have time on the weekend#oh i'm tired or busy on the weekend? i'll still be able to find time later don't sweat it#like the people who i keep around me /want/ to be here and i feel confident in that and in what i create and that's a very nice feeling#and i wouldn't have those feelings if i hadn't found such kind and understanding mutuals who will take the time to read my silly headcanons#okay alright i'll stop being mushy.... for now ; )#but know i'm mentally smooching the lot of you <3#get ready to ramble | ooc
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
being closer to your 30s than 20s and having nothing to show for it is so
#personal#cannot finish college/uni cannot find a job bc poor mental health being dependent on parents still how pathetic#sometimes im like wow i should be grateful i havent been kicked out yet and then its like i need to be as little of a burden as possible#like gee wonder why i still struggle with an eating disorder after over a decade. if i cant fucking off myself might as well take up as lit#le space and use up as little resources as possible#even if i wanted and could afford to go back and get a degree i still wouldnt know what to major or get a degree in#they tell you in high school its okay to be undecided youll figure it out but what if its been 9 years and i still dont know#i know. i guess. also i understand why communication courses are required for a degree but i have failed or dropped out every single class#failed interpersonal communication one semester bc i kept fucking forgetting to take the weekly online quiz and never stopped kicking my ow#ass over it ever since#tried retaking it another cemester and stopped showing up half way though bc i couldnt deal with it anymore#tried taking public speaking another and literally panicked and didnt show up anymore after the first week/class#and that was when i was 18-20 like when its okay if you dont really have anything major to share about your life#imagine being 26 having to go up and say something about yourself and its like. ive been a depressed homebody for the past 5+ years idk wha#else to tell you
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
ok sorry if this sounds fucking insane. i need to write something out.
#vent. sort of.#okay. why do i have absolutely no clue what i want or like. like in life. career/job/college/life etc wise. no interests beyond casual.#and amateur level interests. which is fine but i don’t think i want them to go higher and therefore aren’t careers you know. i like them#for fun. but like all my friends have interests and things they’re studying or doing that i hear it and i’m like oh my god yeah that’s them#that’s perfect. that’s so them. of course. makes perfect sense. and they have the history of hobbies and interest in the topic to back that#choice up. but me? man i have fucking nothing. i feel like i have been in survival mode forever and i literally have not had the opportunit#or ability to develop myself and my interests or even my fucking STYLE or ANYTHING!!! it seems worthless FOR ME. WHY????????#that’s the survival mode talking. but like what am i supposed to do now. i feel like a fucking shell of a person. like the only thing that#passes through this brain is whatever my current hyperfixation is and whatever new hell/trauma/issue i’m dealing with in my life. that’s it#man i remember being a kid and having vibrancy and passion and interests. and it just left. maybe it left when my brother was born when i#was 10. maybe it left during any one of the traumautic experiences or abuse during my teenage years.#but then i wonder what my friends see. like do i have interests and likes in their eyes? i mean space has been My Thing to my friends for#years now but even my interest and love for that was a coping mechanism (escapism) and i’m not interested in the science beyond what i can#use to cope and mentally escape or use in my head as hope for escape.#MAN i feel like i’m so fucked. like i don’t know what the fuck to do. i don’t want to do anything. maybe i’m depressed?#i mean i know i do and have dealt with depression but i mean maybe that’s what this is from.#maybe i’m autistic? maybe adhd and maybe that’s why i have whims and phases that never stick? i don’t know.#maybe it’s from the dysphoria? maybe it’s like bc i can’t picture a future for myself bc of that? probably not cuz i have trans friends who#do indeed have solid interests and senses of self.#so. i don’t fucking know.#i don’t fucking know. i don’t know what to do. i feel like i’m falling behind and like i’ll never get out and i’ll never get my head into#my own real life and the present in order to figure out who i am and what i like and want. i’ve got NOTHING. HEAD. EMPTY. WHAT THE FUCK.#what the fuck. what do people do when they run up against this problem. i don’t know.#maybe this rn is just because i’m on my period. i don’t know. fuck.#maybe it’s dissociation. or like FROM my lifelong dissociation issues. hmm.#okay but THEN i’m like okay this is a really privileged problem to have like. i have a choice in what i want to do. which is nice. and i am#not even being rushed by my family. so like. then i feel even worse for feeling this way. fuck. maybe it’s fine maybe it’s all fine.#maybe this just happens sometimes and a person has no interests and it’s fine. i don’t fucking know. doesn’t seem to be that way for most#people but maybe. who knows#vent
1 note
·
View note
Text
I never asked for the burden of existence.
#stuff sarah says#i keep thinking about work yesterday#im so sick of worrying about every little thing and the butterfly effect it might create#i hate being perceived and knowing my avtions have unknown consequences#like i just want to vibe and live my life and do what i can to better myself and be happy#but that feels impossible#someone might get upset. someone might get sad#i might unknowingly be contributing harm to the world and others by doing something#how am i supposed to live when im scared people will hate me bc someone else appreciates that im a hard worker?#what am i supposed to do? start being shit at my job? thats also not an option#i miss when i could just do my best and enjoy my hobbies and not worry about people getting upset#i just want to live my life without the overwhelming fear of unforseen consequences#and i know i know my therapist would tell me that im not responsible for how other people react#especially since im not trying to upset people. im not intentionally antagonizing others#but i dont have him to tell me logically correct things anymore so like#and also its fucking bananas that this is ocd#obsession: worrying about others' wellbeing. compulsion: refusing to be happy bc that protects them somehow#people are like but ur room is so messy like karen that is not the only manifestation but okay#i want to scoop the bad bits of my brain out with a melon baller. i think that would do wonders for me
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
going to a party and length entirely depends on this guy i was cool with but now annoys the fuck out of me
#personal#last time we hung out together he would not let me even get an inch of space whole fucking party#i couldn’t talk to anyone couldn’t sit down could walk around without him barely a step away and fucking leaning on me and like okay you#haven’t seen me for a while so has everyone at this party bc it’s was my first outing since the whole situation dude let me say hi to other#people#like could not talk to anyone else bc he was always just there!!!!!!#and i’m gonna be so honest#i cannot bring myself to care like#he’s being stand offish now after inviting me to the party#bc i was like oh hey don’t know if i can stop firestar or for how long bc i work today and tomorrow etc#and now he’s giving one word replies and it’s like dude what do you want me from me#we were work friends i got a different job my dad died and the last time we hung you either ask my best friend to make out#or hang off of me all night to the point i RAN out while you were pissing#like not even oh we flirted or oh situationship or whatever we were literally just work friends i don’t know where he’s banking all of this#shit but anyway if he’s clingy or weird or just gives me any shit baby i’m going home#but also excited it’s pink themed so hannibal eat me shirt >:) and also old coworkers AND people from my weed shop#when worlds collide#anyway wonder if it’s one of the workers who flirt with me wednmdmdnfjdnbcncjenfndnfnfnf g fjfnnfnfne#anyway if that one guy asks why i’m like so stand off ish or busy or whatever i’m gonna be honest ish and be dude i have a full time job and#my dad died 3 months ago. i got my own shit to deal with and i can barely care about anyone else’s stuff#like obviously i care wirh mh family and like. 3 best friends but everyone else im like if u catch me at a good time no worries but#i’m not gonna go out of my way for a lot of things emotionally or literally
1 note
·
View note
Text
if lasting integrity has one hater it is me etc etc
#okay maya too.#outgoing transmission#im uncomfortable and cant sleep and am plagued by memories that are mostly vague#just... being awake too much and then when i eas finally able to fall asleep#i could Not stay asleep bc everything was too stressful and maya wasnt around and I was worried#about her and other things. half sure id be stuck there#thought a bit too much abt kal i didnt Quite know how much i liked. or loved yk. him then but#i was like ah itd really suck if i couldnt see him again i wonder if he'd find a way or if ill die here#there was a lot more to think about but Often when i felt hopeless i figured at least he was doing better#(he was not /: but he's alive)#i don't think i was the one for LI#i mean I was i guess I just am In There Now#like logically yeah maya was able to talk because of me sort of. because of us. saying me feels wrong.#but without her i would have been fucked#and its a moot point bc it was all fine and yk.. idk. i was Good enough to love my spren to life so i was the guy for the job#but ohhh the. horrors of feeling inadequate in the moment#this is Peak middle of it all. the most stressful part.#im so so tired.#adolin post
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
2022 was lowkey kinda awful! not gonna lie. i had some good things happen, obviously, but there were also some very very very VERY bad things that happened that can’t really be ignored. i think at the start of a new year it’s completely normal to feel kind of bummed out or disappointed that the year prior didn’t turn out the way you expected. that maybe you didn’t check off all of your new years resolutions, or that those big goals you thought you’d reach are still far away. it’s perfectly natural to feel...kinda shitty! i think, especially with the rise of social media, that envy and jealousy over people having better years than you is extremely common! but it’s important to remember that social media like instagram, twitter, hell even This shithole are all HIGHLY superficial and not everything is as it seems.
so if you’re feeling less than jolly at the crest of 2023, do not fret! you’re not weird or a bummer or needlessly pessimistic. it’s okay to feel kinda let down by 2022. BUUUUUT that shouldn’t stop you from hoping for a better year to follow! because things CAN and WILL always get better! and maybe the next year you’ll be able to look back a bit more fondly <3
#ignorance cloud on#just my thoughts! i hope everyones doign okay and having fun#its perfectly okay to be kinda bummed that 2022 was terrible bc it WAS terrible for pretty much all of us#i think for me esp its very important to acknowledge that this year was bad!#yes there were some good things in it that im eternally grateful for#i met my beautiful wonderful girlfriend. i celebrated my 22nd birthday surrounded by all my friends. i started meds and therapy#i started to kinda figure out what my life is gonna look like for the next two or so years which is New for me#my sister got engaged my brother got a girlfriend. i maintained a very solid friendgroup of people that i love and cherish#BUUUUUT i also worked a terrible job that tanked my mental health. i had to say goodbye to college life and my apartment of nearly 4 years#all of my closest friends moved very far away. i was isolated and depressed and suicidal for A Lot of this year!#and i still havent fully recovered. but im still hopeful for 2023! bc im of the mentality that greener pastures are always ahead#u just have to keep truckin :-) so take solace in this post if ya need it!#chill out and take it easy on urself
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#the thing is that i do sort of feel like a boiled frog#i feel ‘fine’ by my standards but i can’t help but wonder if im really getting worse little by little#as long as it’s not effecting my work i’ll keep ignoring it#but i keep waking up feeling nauseous my heart beating fast feeling like i was being smothered overnight#this is the fourth time in maybe six days#and im just exhausted im exhausted and i have this visceral hatred for the bird song which i used to like so much#but now it just feels like screaming from hell. i plug my ears in public. im trying to be normal#my memory is gone there’s always chunks of my day missing most time one day feels like two#there is no home when im at work there is no work when im at home the world crumbles behind me as i move forward#and my body is so weak i feel sleepy while driving i used to have the strength to push through anything#i don’t even feel depressed either i just feel nothing at all like a jar filled only with condensation#and that’s the normal stuff not even mentioning the horror cliches i keep experiencing#the figure standing and staring until i look up and their gone the person walking behind me with the knife raised to attack me and when i#turn around they’re gone. the person staring at me with a wicked face and when i look up their on their phone….well this is the normal stuff#too…..or not making eye contact with any statues just in case i provoke them holding my breath and walking quickly but that’s normal too…#but those are all internal things even the thing i feel like attached itself to me probably the same spirit that follows me up the stairs i#named it lyle but i shouldnt name them or they’ll stay#but he says doctors would get rid of him im not going to the doctor like i should#bc this is manageable but the broom in front of the door….my inner world situation is slowly trickling into my roommate’s life that’s what#i get worried about the fact that i don’t like people i don’t want friends dating is a literally chore that i can barely consider these are#normal things to her bc we both have a similar feeling but the closing doors is something she’s gotten used to#and she’s understanding abt the broom#im worried i’ll just get stranger and stranger and it’ll affect her or like i’ll start sleeping through shifts or my productivity will#decline. ppl will start saying ‘what’s wrong’ and ‘are you okay’ and it’ll drive me insane#mainly i just needed to type it i keep thinking it over and over in my head especially the figures there then aren’t#it doesn’t affect my job so much i always look directly at a customer before speaking to them just in case they disappear or aren’t really#there even if it feels like someone is standing there i always check just in case#and no one can’t really tell that i live life under a spotlight on a dark stage and have to remind myself i have life again tomorrow#idk this is the life i have so i don’t want to start thinking there’s something wrong with it#bc i will never experience someone else’s mind i think mine is just fine
1 note
·
View note
Text
.
#diary#personal#lying down on the bathroom floor in the dark truly does wonders. yknow?#i feel a lot better. like. im not on the brink of shattering anymore or anything#im still upset internally. but. im fine enough to like. take a shower after work n stuff now.#i always have gotten overstimulated and stuff. so its no surprise that chilling like this helps.#and my back pain has gone down a good amount too. its probably like a 3 or so?#my body truly doesnt handle standing all that well so it sucks i have to for my job. otherwise that wouldnt have happendd#haaah. im just glad to be in slightly less pain. it was probably at a 5 or so. itll probably be better tomorrow.#unfortunately i have a few vertebrae outta place again so thats why its REALLY causing problems probably.#okay. i can get through this. just give the bunny supper. and take a shower. and brush my teeth. then bed.#yes it is only 4pm but by the time im done itll be 7#and its probably best if i get my ass in bed asap. even if i dont sleep. bc between the weighted blankets and dark room ill be okay#*sigh* its troublesome. really. but there's not much to be done either#i jusf hope my brain shuts up and stops replaying social situations i fucked up in my head. bc it hurts#oh well. ill try to get myself to eat as well maybe. *sigh* but idk if i can. ig all i can do is try to accommodate things.
0 notes
Text
i'm so !!! rn
#last night i watched the fabelmans WHICH okay . so good ????#and then i came home and i continued watching this new spanish netflix show (which all of you should watch too)#called 'in love all over again' in english (lmao) and that show IS ALSO ABOUT MAKING MOVIES and art and being a writer/director#and i'm just so. filled with a sense of loss and nostalgia bc some days i feel like i've given up on that dream so to speak#bc i have a wonderful job and i like it and it's okay and it's allowing me to do the things i've wanted to do for so long#but then at the same time i'm still so in love with movies and writing and CREATING stories and it hurts that it's not happening for me#it's not like it never /will/ but idk. i'm 28 today. it's like if it would've happened maybe it would've happened already???#but i also hate that mentality bc i may not be 21 anymore but i'm not fucking OLD SO WHAT THE FUCK#okay sorry bye#tbd
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
thelocalalleyfox
GhostsandGhoul hunting
gothamcity-official
Gotham City Official
givetheworldasmile
Juls.
alhaithamaskblog
Alhaitham.
sb0000universe
Untitled