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#bc i dont see loads online and that i do see i always think 'oh yeah but im sure they wouldbt act this way irl'
truthundressing · 2 years
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the longer ive had to stew on it the more i am actually worried abt harry's fanbase
#like online i guess i obly see the odd terrible take bow and then but beibg in a room full of homophobes watching a queer film made me feel#so so so alone#and not at all what my expereince going to see a queer film should have been#like there was a bunch of girls sitting in front of me that LAUGHED during the scene where patrick got beat up#when that happened i literally felt sick to my stomach and honestly considered leaving bc i felt so unsafe#but im glad i stuck it out bc the movie was beautiful#i just guess i really didnt realise how homophobic some of his fanbase is#bc i dont see loads online and that i do see i always think 'oh yeah but im sure they wouldbt act this way irl'#and seeing peopke actually act that way in public makes me really really sad#honestly was the worst movie going expereince ive ever had i literally bolted as soon as the credits rolled bc i had my 'pits and perverts#lgsm' shirt on and just felt so so unsafe staying in that theatre any longer#and they laughed through the gay sex scenes and absoloute silence during the striaght ones like really felt very fetishiser#like idk almost like they enjoyed seeing the little gay ppl in the movie go through turmoil and shit idk#dude im not in the mind of a homophobe so idk gow they think but yh :/#i really hope these are just teens that will grow and change but idk man i came out of that theatre not thinking abt the movie but abt how#fucked society is if ppl like that are still around and the majority ://#n e wayyyyy rant over#not gonna be around the rest of this weekend bc 1 i have family stuff going on but 2 i just need a little distance i think#bc of my own feelings and how im still a little shook up from it not anything directly due to h <3#to delete#mp spoilers
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miyaniacs · 4 years
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this will be so much fun!!!
OKAY SOOO I’LL DO SOME OF MY FAVES FOR THIS ONE OKAY?
(repost bc it took too much time to write this to not show up in the tags numbers of failed attempts: 2 )
warnings: I guess slight nsfw and me being tipsy while writing this , all characters are 18+
characters: Kurro, Akaashi, Kenma, Oikawa, Bokuto, Ushijima, Iwaizumi, Osamu, Atsumu, Sakusa
masterlist
HC The boys find out their crush is a cam girl / has an onlyfans account
Kuroo
AYT NOW LISTEN
it was late at night and he couldn’t sleep so ... there is one thing he hasn't tried yet...
now he’s on some popular cam girl website and scrolling through the different cams
then he stops
this one girl seems familiar
he clicks on it and
JACKPOT ?! its YOU ??? HIS CRUSH ???!
but OMG. he had the best night of his life sweety
but still.. he will now definitely ask you out on a date tomorrow.
after seeing your beautiful body and the way you moan and move
HONEY NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO SEE THIS AGAIN
other than that he probably thinks it’s hot af that you are a cam girl
I mean Kuroo aka pornstar
he loves the fact that you the sweetheart for anyone else but could be the pornstar just for him
smug af the next day he sees you from afar
shy af the second you come over
Akaashi
HE DID NOT OPEN THIS TAB OKAY
he did tho but HE DID NOT OKAY?
OKAY!
so anyway - his browser magically opened his one website
and he just hear someone talk
he recognised the voice but - NO... this can’t be you right?
yeah jokes on him
he chocked on his on salvia when you walk in the view of the camera wearing nothing but some sexy black lingerie
GURL. BITCH THOUGHT YOU WERE A BABY?!
but now he knows you aren't
you definitely aren't
but he now wants you to be his babygirl
and he wants to look away.. but he can’t
soooooo ..... yeah. he had some fun that night
wasn’t sure how to look into your eyes the next time he saw you tho
Kenma
he did not find you
Kuroo did
and yes he immediately sent him the link with a voice memo of him basically just screaming
the said link lent to an onlyfans account
despite the fake user name, he instantly recognises the birth mark on your arm
yes the many times he watched you when you all were out with friends made him recognise this stuff
so did he pay to see the rest of the pictures and videos?
yes.
was he embarrassed?
oh hell yes.
was he still enjoying it?
yes.
is he now able to look into your eyes?
no.
Kuroo has to do all the magic to make him speak to you now - because you are, despite the account you got, still a shy bean who can’t talk to her crush
Oikawa
screams in the middle of the goddamn night
you - you just brought him chocolate a few hours ago?
and now your stripping in front of him? I mean you don't know that he's watching since you just do it in front of the cam
his little oik-oik is growing
he thought you were innocent?
will sent the link to IWA-CHAN
with a “LOOK AT MY CRUSH OMG”
after your lingerie is off and you took out a toy he sent another message
“WAIT NO DONT LOOK AT HER”
he will be all cocky tho when he sees you the next time
you walk up to him, saying a cute and shy “hello” and he’s just
“you haven’t been this shy last night”
you panic and run away which results in him panicking running after you screaming apologises
Bokuto
He is hyped
OMG
Poor Akaashi will probably know about all of this too
he has so much fun watching you online - imagining that you are here with him at this moment doing all of this just for him
which you secretly do since you’re also imagine him watching this
will open this website more often the following days then he would admit
i’m not sinning that much to actually write down the stuff that’s going on in his head
the next time he sees you
he does question if it was really you who he saw online
you are nothing like the girl he saw there
SOOOOOOO he straight up ask you
“hey y/n !!! are you (your username)” he smiles and tilts his head
you just black out
Ushijima
again poor baby
Tendou and Semi told him to visit this site - hot farmers advice
this baby thought he’d actually learn something he could tell you - his crush - since you recently TOLD HIM that you try to grow some tomatoes
but when the site finished loading
HE WAS NOT EXPECTING TO SEE YOU ON THERE
with nothing less than lingerie, an oversized plaid shirt AND a straw hat
you’re on all fours and the way you move and moan and talk to the camera
he wasn't really taking note of where his hand is wandering rn
soon after, you are now without a bra, he finds himself rock hard
the next day you tell him about your tomatoes WHICH ARE GROWING (!!!) he gets red af and just leaves
you look confused at a laughing Semi and Tendou rolling on the floor
Iwaizumi
he usually doesn’t do this stuff... but... it was some time until he got some
and he just wants you - so he doesn't want to hook up with some random girl
you’re pure and innocent and he accepts this and will wait for you too feel comfy enough so he can ask you out on a date
anyways he’s at this random website
and switches trough the channels to find someone he likes
and he chocks.
THIS CANT BE
YOU
he actually was about to text Oikawa but then stopped because Oikawa
he starred at the screen not even blinking
his hand is moving so fast
and all the things you say and the way you tease your viewers
omg
hny
he really wants to fuck some manners in you okay?!
awkward af the next day he sees you tho
yes talking about blushing IWA-CHAN
Osamu
his Laptop was broken
so he used Atsumu’s
WHO left this tab open
he let out a small scream, his normally stoic face falling
WHY ARE YOU NAKED ON HIS BROTHERS LAPTOP
now he sees that it’s an only fans
WHY IS HIS BROTHER PAYING TO SEE HIS CRUSH NAKED
but hey.. Atsumu’s not home... and he told him it’s okay to use his laptop..
a few minutes later he’s already worked up watching your beautiful body, his eyes following every movement of yours
he can’t really comprehend that you are the same girl that always comes to his shop, always stuttering and nervous while talking to him?
BUT HELL WAS HE ENJOYING IT
and those pictures of you in this maid uniform.
OH AND IS THIS CHOCOLATE ON YOUR BOOBIES
his imagination went wild
“OY i see you’re enjoying my present?” - Atsumu came back home
Atsumu
I mean it’s canon that he watches porn and is paying for some cam girls right?
so he’s looking for some now that look more like you - his crush.
someone cute and innocent
Gosh he loves it how easily you get flustered when he flirts with you
this one looks promising he thinks
and hell was it promising
it was you
surprise surprise
he was blushing for a whole minute baby
THAT ASS ?!
how tf have you hid that all the time?
SO many dirty thoughts
SOOOO MANY
will def call Osamu to his room
after he finished this lil problem down there obviously
Osamu is grossed out - he thought you are cool  and now he can’t look at you the same way
Atsumu tho - wont get that much sleep that night, your body and all the thing’s he’d do to you circling in his head keeping him up
is Atsumu enjoying this way too much the next day he sees you? Obviously YES
he will walk up to you, flirting, and when he’s about to leave he adds
“How about you skip todays stream and put on a show just for me?”
Sakusa
IT. WAS. NOT. HIS. IDEA.
Ratsumu sent him a link
our poor boy thought it was about volleyball and not something so dirty
he was CLEANING HIS ROOM WHEN HE OPEND IT
with the cleaning product you suggested to him
and now he sees you on his phone also cleaning
but with - with NOTHING ON ?!
he dopes the products and sits down on his bed - he knew you are beautiful but damn.. this hits different.
you with some MR. PROPER and WINDEX
PUHHH his fantasy is running wild WILD now that he sees you.. move .. and cleaning some of your toys and well
.... he needs to change the sheets and cleans again afterwards
ok so the next day... Atsumu already told you that he knows about your dirty little secret and that he sent it Sakusa to “help you two ”
Sakusa came and looked at you disgusted “You're dirty even tho you’re cleaning? that wasn't the way you’re supposed to uses those items.” he adds
“Then make me pure again?” you return ( @tendouthighs​​ about Sakusa) “- and show me how to properly use them”
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crystu-cii · 3 years
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XDD
I f e e l that pain in my soul-- my older sister uses cologne sometimes and it is sO STRONG AND WILL NOT STAY CONFINED TO HER ROOM-- AMD SOMETIMES SHED DO IT IN THE DOORWAY LIKE HELLO-- XDD
YEAH WH GET SOME SLEEP LEAVE THE STAYING UP TO US-- XDD
YES BABY JAIL, INTO THE UPSIDE DOWN LAUNDRY BASKET YOU KNIFE-WIELDING HEATHEN-- XDD oms XDD well I don't know them but I love them- YESSS THEYRE SO FLUFFY-- I'm actually curious what images pop up first imma check-- FLUFFY PUPPIES-- we've actually never owned ones that fluffy(those actually look more similar to shetland sheepdogs than the shelties we've had so far?? Very similar/similar enough where if someone doesn't know a sheltie we mention shetland sheepdogs), our current one is a purebred that we got for free(she was being given away bc her family never came back for her and the lady taking care of her couldn't afford the time to take care of a second dog long-term think) and she's got pretty short fur in comparison- still fluffy enough, but not quite so long of fur-- she's a blue merle(absolutely gorgeous fur, she's like 8 now with a lot of health problems but she's super loving still 💕💞) anyways about the fur, so long as you brush regularly you should mitigate most of that, and it mostly collects in corners- but like.. be prepared to eat and wear dog fur for the rest of your life-- (actually there's a thing called a fur zapper we bought recent that you put in with your clothes when you wash/dry them(I think it's dry but idk??) that's supposed to get a lot of hair off your clothes in that process? Also lint rollers are your best friend--) AND roombas are really helpful(we bought a knockoff one and rarely have to sweep ever so 👀) XDD WHEEZE I can't even imagine what you did-- but like you could ask for a budgie/parakeet /hj I mean, they aren't very expensive (actually they're pretty cheap) but they're very loud, need a lot of attention(especially if you want them to bond to you!) and you need to research into them a lot to make sure you're doing things right-- loads of vids online!! Loads of websites too!!! I'd know I have one- JUST A WARNING, FEATHERS AND SEED HULLS GET ALL OVER YOUR FLOOR XD p l u s like you have a friend who knows stuff about birbs :3 anyways ENOUGH RAMBLING FROM ME WOW THAT GOT LONG--
💕💕 I feel that XD OMS-- I WISH-- WHAT A D R E A M - s n a k - Awww but what a mood XD
XDDD oms YES-- EXACTLY-- XDDDD another good thing you should try eventually is SWEET POTATO CASSEROLE WHICH IS APPARENTLY DELICIOUS??? I TRIED IT FOR THE FIRST TIME(AT LEAST IN A WHILE) TODAY AND IT WAS SO FUCKIN TASTY????
H E A THEN-- XDD how cool of them to try tho :3 whEEZE Y 'A LL-- XDD
WHEEZE I SUCK WITH INSTRUMENTS SOOOO-- DAMN THA'S SOME BAD LUCK MY DUDE-- MAYBE YOU'RE CURSED DAMN-- oms wOWW--
Yesss-- ooh I've never played 👀 seen some stuff but never played-- (see: my computer sucks XD) I h a v e played Portal 1 and it is SO GOOD and SO SHORT and I WISH I HAD GOTTEN PORTAL 2 INSTEAD BUT THATS OKAY CRIES-- YESSSS THE SONGS SLAP--- ALSO THERE ARE ACTUALLY TWO WHOLE MORE CANON(PROBABLY KINDA MAYBE NOT?? IDK) SONGS, ONE FROM A LEG DIMENSIONS GAME("You Wouldn't Know") AND ONE THAT WAS CUT FROM PORT TWO("Don't Say Goodbye"(Harry101UK made an edit to make it Glados' voice!!)) THERE ARE ALSO A BUNCH OF GOOD FAN SONGS SO YEAH-- ALSO NOT TO BE A SIMP BUT GLADOS' VOICE? PERFECTION. I LOVE HER. ALSO I COULD LITERALLY DETAIL THE PORTAL LORE I AM INCREDIBLY EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THIS GAME-- ALSO THERES A CLIP THAT SOMEONE MADE USING A (VERY GOOD) GLADOS TTS TO HAVE GLADOS SAY TRANS RIGHTS AND ENBY RIGHTS AND IF I FIND IT AGAIN ILL SEND IT TO YOU-- YOU COULD PROBABLY FIND IT IF YOU LOOM UP GLADOS SAYS TRANS RIGHTS? IT HAS A VIDEO WITH TRANS FLAG COMPANION CUBES ACCOMPANYING IT-- ALSO YES THE PORT MODS(/ADD-ONS? MAYBE? THEY'RE COMMUNITY MADE I THINK BUT IDK ALL I KNOW IS THAT THEYRE COOL AF--) (also I apologize for all the screaming? XD it's like, four am and I was talking about portal so.. whoops?)
Right like wth???? I???? Okay but like December to February babies just fuckin DONT EXIST IN THIS GEN OR SOMETHIN-- CAUSE I FIND N O N E -- Maybe there are more December babies but there are definitely like NO January to February babies it is So Weird--
NEJFQOBGKW WOWW d an g like-p l e a se s t op over sp r aying-- xD and LEGITTTT LIKE- THAT WAS M Y ROLE TO STAY UP LATE- XDD
WHEHEHEZE- LAUNDRY BASKET TIME- G E T I N XDD anD YESS- any doggo is just such a cute doggo 😭💞💞 but for me- fLUFFY ONES ARE WHERE ITS A T- and ohhhh i see- FOR FREE?? W H A T A S T E A L XDD but awwww the poor doggg at least she's with you now ! ;0;; 💞💞😭 aaw such a lovable puppup 😭😭💞 and oHHH i see :00 but oh no- xD i also have a friend that has two dogs and whenever he would give me gifts- there would be dog hair on them no matter what- XDD and ooOhhh those sound really helpful! omg- i swear i dont have to have a pet for the need of a roomba- i already shed so much hair myself its so crazy-- xDD and oH MAN loud animals are really gon get my mom fired up- and OO birds just look so cuteee i always fantasize of having one- but then again- with the noise and all xD the more i think about it i dont think we are prepared to have a pet at all xD but i still dream of at least having one pet in my lifetime!
and OO that sounds awesome!! i have no clue if i even tried casserole before- man- sometimes i just eat food without even knowing wth it is XDDD but THAT SOUNDS so gooodddd :O
and LEGITT LIKE- TF IS HAPPENING WITH MY SCHOOL LIFE- XDD and oh my god- IT GETS WORSE- that year there was a FREAKINGG FIREEEEEEE- it wasnt that dangerous thank god- but it had to get a whole ass room renovated because of it- and guess what room it was- THE ORCHESTRA ROOM- AND GUESS WHAT M A D E I T W OR SE- that year- it was the first time the school replaced those 10+ year old instruments with new ones- NOW THEYRE B U R N T- and mind you that the school's budget isnt so- gr e a t- like oh my god i am still so bewildered over HOW MUCH chaos HAPPENED that year- and i thought that year was gon be the year- yknow? like UGH
and OHH MANN playing portal sounds awesome! but i just dont think the game would be worth my money cause i know the plot- and even with the mods and all my brain would be broken as i would possibly have no clue what to do- xDDD
and HOOOO MANNN game fan songs are just so AWESOMEEE- and those sound pretty cool! :OO and HOLY SHIT FUCK YEAH- GLADOS SAYS TRANS AND ENBY RIGHTS Y A LL- now im gonna look that up and let my ears be blessed by such words- XDDD and DONT WORRY BOUT SCREAMING ALOT- i scream a whole dam lot too XDD
and LEGITTT- finding someone's b-day in january and feb is so rare all of a sudden like wh a t - XDD
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whumpingwithirondad · 5 years
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Tony is so-not a Dad
Do you want to see more posts like this? Comment down below!
So, this began when we were talking what we like and don’t like about fics. I could not cut this into parts so yeah, this is a bit long :D 
wordscorrupt
I love Peter calling tony mister stark or sir I don’t know I don’t try to get him to call him dad unless some requests it. There’s just something so endearing about it lol and I love the way he says it in the movies it’s adorable
irondadgroupie
Yes! I think Mr Stark is kind of an endearing nickname and usually when people call Tony it, the man is nonchalant but when Peter call him that...the boy has him wrapped around his finger.
I think if Peter thinks of the word Dad, he thinks of his biological father and traces of Ben and Tony. He is so confused so he refuses to call anyone Dad. Plus I think if Peter ever started calling Tony dad, the man would be terrified :D
wordscorrupt
tony's heart skips a few beats from excitement anytime he hears peter say his name. omg tony would be pulling out a cross if peter ever called him dad out of the blue. the only time i could understand is if hes delirious and tony would play along but otherwise tonys calling a priest bc his kid is possessed
irondadgroupie
That is a great idea! Like the enemy knows Tony and Peter are close, he is like a father to the boy so they if there is like a shape shifter as Peter who calls Tony dad, Tony immediately puts the thing into chokehold because his kid does not call him that.
wordscorrupt
omg just the mental image of that. it happens in front of happy or rhodey too and they are like WTF TONY DONT HURT THE BBY
irondadgroupie
But yeah, I like the idea of Peter being out of it, like has a high fever and is barely in the real world, then Tony would be like "Yes, Dad is here, kiddo." And when Peter gets better and hears about it he is so embarrassed.
irondadgroupie
I just had the though that if someone stole Peter's phone and tried to have a conversation with Tony (I don't know, maybe to humiliate Peter) and they wrote the word Dad, Tony is immediately going "Okay, who is this, why do you have my kid's phone?"
wordscorrupt
yesss exactly and tony just never mentions it too. he hears about from bruce or one of the other doctors that took care of him as well
irondadgroupie
Like Tony's motto is: "Yes, he is my kid but I am not his dad"
wordscorrupt
tonys like; yes i take care of him, provide for him, clothe him (too many iron dad pajamas to count), feed him (he eats me out of a house), protect him but im not his dad.
wordscorrupt
peter gets kidnapped by a group of people who think he's tony secret son or something and tony sends a text like "hey bud wondered what you wanted for dinner tonight we're ordering in" and one of the guys texts back "anythings good with me dad" and tony basically fucking smashes through the walls like ten seconds later
irondadgroupie
Yes! And others are like: "Tony, you are such a dad.""I am not, we don't share blood!" Like Tony pays for Peter's school (what the financial aid doesn't cover), makes sure he visits doctor and dentist regularly, keeps his schedule on his phone, buys him new shoes and jackets for winter (he hates Peter's style but the kid likes it so yeah, why not), helps him revise for exams (I can just imagine Tony driving and saying a verb Peter needs to conjugate )
irondadgroupie
Yes! They make sure the style of writing is similar, check few previous messages so they wouldn't be caught, they send the message and are like "yeah, now we can have fun" and ten seconds later a cannon blows up a wall and Tony flies in. "Pretty good job, fellas but you forgot one thing, I am not his dad!"
wordscorrupt
yes! domestic tony is my everything. he definitely pays for peter's school and donates to the programs/clubs that peter is involved in as well. helps him with his college essays and applications. tony got the best doctor and dentist for peter as well and calls in to make his appointments for him. one of tonys favorite pastimes is shopping for clothes for peter online and he always make s sure to throw in one of those dumb science joke shirts everytime. tony making sure that peter is getting his daily nutrition in becuase he was not gonna have the kid pass out on him again because he blood sugar was low.
peters just in the corner, mouth taped shut with duct tape and chained up and he just nods his head like 'duh'
irondadgroupie
Aww! The image of Tony in online shops and occasionally asking Pepper: "You think Peter would like that color?" "Tony, he has like 10 jackets already!" "He could do with a new one, he's a growing boy."
irondadgroupie
I don't think Tony makes the appointments until it is absolutely necessary. Like once Peter complains about neck ache and Tony says: "It might be wisdom tooth, I'll give you a number to a dentist. She works with enhanced individuals." Then he pesters Peter for weeks "Did you make the appointment yet?" But yeah, Peter's mind is like swiss cheese, he never remembers. One day Tony calls him "You have dentist today at 3, I'll pick you up from school." "Mr Stark, I can make my own appointments!" "Yeah, clearly."
wordscorrupt
tony stresses shops but instead of shopping for himself he shops for peter instead
i like to think the reason that peter doesn't make the appointments is because he hates going to the dentist/doctor so he thinks he can just lie about actually going
irondadgroupie
Tony is a trophy!wife inside. He buys Peter vitamins and when he is over, makes sure the boy eats a good breakfast (even if they are running late because you don't fucking skip breakfast!). But yeah, Peter is an idiot and if Tony is not there to remind him, Peter forgets to eat. Once Tony was on a week long business trip and when he came back, Peter fainted into a hug. Like Tony can't even remember how many times he had had to hold Peter's feet up because the boy felt dizzy after a work-out
irondadgroupie
Oh, why is the image of Peter being chained up so adorable? :D He watches as Tony captures the bad guys and then kneels next to him and rips of the tape. "Idiots," Peter calls to the bad guys as Tony just chuckles while working on the chains.
irondadgroupie
And Pepper returns like half the packages that arrive :D Otherwise Peter's room would have no space for the boy
irondadgroupie
Oh yeah, Peter afraid of dentists. Like the boy tries to get out of the appointment claiming he is not feeling well but Tony puts a hand to his forehead and goes "Yeah, sorry, kiddo, you are going." And then Tony guesses what the problem is "I hate dentists too. In my days, they were terrible, not gentle at all, left me with some deep rooted fears. But this lady is so nice and patient and if you are a good boy, she will give you a candy bar after you are done."
wordscorrupt
yes vitamins and protein shakes and everything else to keep peter from passing out every five minutes. loads his backpack with all kinds of snacks to keep him going throughout the day at school. oh my god the image of peter kind of just fainting into tony's arms when trying to go for a hug instead and tony just grabbing him like its not big deal. he knew the kid was going to forget about keeping his diet up.
wordscorrupt
pepper lets tony have the fun then has to return half the things for sure and tony buys so much he doesn't even remmember what he actually all got so he never catches on
wordscorrupt
peter just grumbles as tony bribes him into going to the dentist. thats the one thing tony is not above. he gets that peter hates going and tony doesn't blame him at all but he has to get the kid there one way or another
wordscorrupt
its great that the doctor tony chooses for him works at the compound which makes the most sense. peter is a terrible patient when he's sick or injured, trying to fight off the doctor and attach himself to tony instead. hes probably more terrible when he's alert and forced to go down for a checkup and just grumbling the entire time and glaring at tony for making him do this in the first place
irondadgroupie
Yeah, Tony orders a bunch of all kind of protein products, there are cardboard boxes of them in nearly every room, even in bathroom because one time Peter fainted when getting out of the bath and had Tony not heard the splash, the boy most certainly would have drowned.
irondadgroupie
Tony catches Peter like: "Wow, wow, buddy, let's get you lying down." And he sets the kid on the floor and pats his face while Pepper gets fruit juice. Yeah, opening the packages is like second Christmas. Tony is always surprised what he ordered :D I also think Tony spends time on online auctions, getting movie memorabilia and such for his boy
irondadgroupie
AWW Peter pouting and looking so adorable Tony takes a million pictures. The dentist is very understanding and explains beforehand each procedure. But Peter still grips the handles of the chair because he is nervous.
"You are doing so well, sweetie," the woman says and Peter relaxes a bit. "You have beautiful teeth, they need just a little cleaning up."
wordscorrupt
Peter nearly tears the leather from the chair from gripping it to hard. Tony eventually reaches out to hold one of his hands and Peter instantly relaxes
he thinks he's in the clear once his cleaning is done and he's helped up from the chair until the dentist says they need to talk about his x-rays and how it looks like his wisdom teeth are impacted
irondadgroupie
"Helped up from the chair" makes it sound like Peter suffered from a dizzy spell and had to lay down for a while. Happened to me after my wisdom teeth operation :D In Finland, we don't get anesthesia when taking out wisdom teeth (unless the person has severe fear or the operation is large), it's just pain killers and numbing the area with drugs
"It's so embarrassing," Peter muttered as he accepted the cup of water Tony offered.
irondadgroupie
I think Peter would be doing a stress test and the heart monitor goes crazy with something abnormal and the boy just collapses. Maybe his heart starts beating too fast and they have to use cardioversion
wordscorrupt
Oh man he’s terrified the entire time not knowing what’s going on. Is he dying??
irondadgroupie
Or maybe they are sparring and suddenly Peter gets out of breath and grabs his chest and collapses on the ground.
Tony is certain he killed the boy
wordscorrupt
Tony’s thinking Peter just fainted from stress but then why would he grab his chest. He’s asking Friday if 15 year olds can have heart attack’s at the same time he’s racing to the medbay with Peter in his arms
irondadgroupie
Just think of the surgery day, Tony might be more nervous than Peter because they need to stop the kid's heart to repair it
"Don't worry, I'll be okay," Peter tells him and May with a brave smile.
irondadgroupie
Yeah, Peter fainting from stress is common because he tended to run himself down. Tony had gotten very skilled in reviving the kid, usually pouring cold water on his face was enough. But now he debated whether chest compression were needed.
irondadgroupie
You know, one idea has been flying in my head. Peter's blood sugar dropping dangerously low that Tony has to feed him jam or something with lots of sugar to bring him back around. Like Peter would lie on his lap and Tony had to feed him the stuff with a spoon. Like with a diabetic patient, he rubs the jam to the boy's mouth, gums and under his tongue
wordscorrupt
oh lord tony thinking about the fact that peter could technically be dead while in the operating room. lets not even mention post surgery, where peter has a long scar down  his chest and has about a million tubes coming from his chest. ive seen patients in the cardiac icu and its freaking ridiculous how many machines and lines they are hooked up to.
yes tony trying to hold peter up at the same time trying to force (gently!) food down his throat to get his blood sugar back up and peters kind of just out of it
one time peter passes out on stage during a decathalon competition
irondadgroupie
Tony has to practically massage the boy
irondadgroupie
's throat to make him swallow the food and Peter just doesn't answer, just moans or mumbles when Tony shoves another spoonful of jam into his mouth.
Can you imagine Peter's blood sugar dropping during the night and Tony literally can't wake the kid up in the morning.
wordscorrupt
oh my god that would be terrifying. for a second he thinks the kid has died in his sleep but once he kind of gets his mind straight, he checks his pulse and he still has one
tony has to carry around of those machines that checks a persons blood sugar levels
irondadgroupie
Yes! It was during the last question. Tony was watching and he saw the signs that yeah, Peter is going down soon. But he was too far and couldn't get to the stage to catch the boy.
wordscorrupt
the entire audience gasps of course but then imagine their reaction when tony stark of all people is rushing up to the stage. peter hits his head pretty hard on the podium as well and by the time tony gets to him, he's bleeding from his headsterday a
irondadgroupie
Yeah, Peter's alarm went off several times and Tony finally comes to the room. "Kiddo," he shakes his shoulder. "Come on, up you get, you'll be late for school." But Peter just lies on the bed and he is completely limp. Tony nearly has a heart attack when the boy doesn't open his eyes. I can just imagine him starting to shake Peter's shoulders "This isn't funny, kid! Wake up!"
irondadgroupie
Oh, Peter definitely hits his head. Tony immediately kneels beside the boy. "Peter," he taps his face. "Hey, kiddo, wake up!" But the boy doesn't react and Tony take of his jacket to press it against the wound
wordscorrupt
Tony rushes peter down To the medbay because while peter still has a pulse he’s not waking up. Bruce is there as tony runs in a wild look on his face
Tony demands that they bring down the curtains on stage to give them privacy and then starts ordering people around one of them to grab any kind of sugary food they can find
irondadgroupie
Bruce takes Peter's blood pressure and checks sugar levels and immediately starts setting an IV. "He is fine, Tony, it's just his metabolism screwing with him again." He gives Peter a shot of glucose (the kind they use to treat diabetes patients or people who have alcohol poisoning) and it doesn't take long until Peter is opening his eyes, still loopy and confused why Tony immediately smothers him into a hug.
irondadgroupie
"Don't worry, he is okay, this happens all the time," Tony says and lifts Peter's eyelid to check his pupils. He quickly checked the boy's neck for possible breaks and when he deems it safe, moves Pete's head a bit so that airways stay open. "He just needs something sugary to drink and eat."
irondadgroupie
"I have this," A girl from the opposing team offered a bag of fruit shaped candy that was coated in sugar. Tony smiled: "That is just perfect." Tony crouches lower and opens the boy's mouth until he can place one piece in there.
irondadgroupie
But honestly, since Peter has a head injury, the more realistic alternative is that they bring a cold compress to hold on his forehead
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jobs rant:
so i follow my area’s local job board on facebook, right. there’s this girl around my age (23) I think, who constantly posts about urgently needing “any type of job” in retail or a job in beauty therapy/hairdressing etc bc she’s got the qualifications in those fields. but it’s not her posts that annoy me (bc feels girl) but the people that comment on them, because a load of baby boomers hop on the post and say the following things:
(1.) boomer 1:“look here, you stupid girl, stop whinging! go hand out your resume in shops and meet them!” 
problem 1). hmm yeah go fuck yourself Martha. loads of people my age attest to doing what Martha suggested and get told to “just go apply online, we don’t take hard copy resumes!” or they spend whole days handing out resumes with only one shop taking them  bc they had a sign in the window. but does Martha listen to that? nope.
(2.) boomer 2: “how about you go in and ask for some work experience for 3 days a week, and offer to do it for free or like $5 an hour?” 
problem 2.) your suggestion is literally fucking illegal in Australia, Tessa, unless it’s part of a tafe or uni course (and you either don’t get paid or you get decently paid (hopefully) paid work experience). 
(3.) boomer 3 sometimes also in response to boomer/problem 2:  “oh but the above shows your initiative! because you’re not seeing a problem, but a solution! there’s only solutions! just stop bitching and start at the bottom just like all the others before you. you entitled brat.”
problem 3.) ??? no, Marcus, you fuck, I actually need fair pay and a real fucking job. getting either severely underpaid or not paid at all is NOT A SOLUTION, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. EVEN IF IT IS JUST FOR EXPERIENCE. IT’S NOT SHOWING INITIATIVE IF I’M BEING USED AS FREE FUCKING LABOUR!!!!! HOW THE HELL ARE PEOPLE WHO LIVE OUT OF HOME SUPPOSED TO PAY THEIR BILLS OR RENT WITH VERY LITTLE PAY OR NO PAY AT ALL????!!!!! GO EAT SHIT FROM YOUR OWN BOTTOM MATE, IF WE’RE STARTING FROM THERE.”
(4.) boomer 4: how about you just pawn your stuff off then, you spoilt brat?” / just apply for maccas/or another fast food place!”
problem 4.) you see, Leanne, i’m in the midst of applying for several fucking grad positions (which f.y.i are proper jobs outside of uni) and several other fucking jobs, including unpaid internships. i’ve applied to some fast food places before, and they’ve told me directly that they DO NOT WANT ME AT ALL bc it’s far easier and cheaper for them to employ a 15/16 year old, than employing a 23yo who actually knows what they should be paid, and not a kid who doesn’t know anything about fair work and wages. also as someone with a degree and a diploma etc, they straight up tell me i’m too overqualified and that i’ll expect too much pay so they don’t want me bc of that. also what fuck is this pawning my stuff off bullshit??? what the actual FUCK does that have to do with this??? 
(5.) boomer 5: “the job market isn’t insecure you imbecile, only you are because you obviously can’t get a job like that! learn to be more confident and maybe you’ll get one. stop being soooooo needy, and one will find you! look for more opps!” 
problem 5.) the job market isn’t insecure, Brenton? sure you can fucking say that when you’re a boomer who refuses to leave their fucking job. that’s fucking rich. but be more confident and a job will find you??? really?? thanks for the absolute bullshit mate. i’m done here. actually i’m not done! what the fuck is this “stop being sooooo needy” bs??? i’m sorry that i need some meagre ass fucking money to literally fucking survive in this horrendous capitalist hellscape you helped create, Brenton. look for more opportunities??? mate i’ve applied to like 300 bs “opportunities” nearly all of which exploit young workers to the fullest extent. hell, a good bulk of them i dont even have the quals or requirements for! ALSO, MOST OF THEM ARE INTERNSHIPS AND THEY’RE MOSTLY UNPAID OR ONLY PAID FOR ONE DAY A WEEK!! (so only $300). just.... now im done. go fuck yourself.
boomer 6: “go get a useful qualification (to attack uni/college etc quals) or *insert some other work related thing like an responsible service of alcohol (RSA) & RCG (responsible conduct of gambling or w/e it is) card here or a barista course here* or if you can’t afford it, save for it maybe??? if you’ve been to uni maybe you’d have the sense to know that much????”
problem 6.) honestly every millennial is sick of hearing this Mildred. no qualification is guaranteed to get you a job anymore, you hack. but also.... but have you ever considered how expensive an RSA or an RCG is or a combined one is??? (for reference a combined rsa&rcg in my state, new south wales, is $240)  or even a barista course???? (again for reference a barista course is anywhere between $120-$200)... like im sure for people who are living out of home, that their rent and bills are far, far more important to pay than some bullshit courses that cost like half of their fucking rent money. 
boomer 7: GO VOLUNTEER! YOU LEARN AMAZING NEW SKILLS (blah blah blah)!!!”
problem 7.) ok Mick, yes i know volunteering is a good thing.... i practically had its “importance” forcefully shoved down my throat at uni.... but consider this: only those who have some spare money around can typically afford this option, because it’s largely not paid. and if it is paid, you don’t get paid much.... but of course that all depends on the provider. you can go on about all the new skills you get from volunteering all day fucking long. but like. for most “millennials”, as you condescendingly call us, it is not fucking feasible if they have literally ZERO funds, like myself. i couldn’t afford to do the volunteer blogger position i tried to do at uni. so i ultimately gave it up.
honestly, the only boomers or maybe gen xers (who knows really) that i like who comment on these posts, are the ones who commiserate with us jobless 20-somethings about their teenage or sometimes fellow 20-something son/s or daughter/s trying to get a job.... but always getting rejected bc of their complete lack of experience (i.e. they have none) or whatever else.  
anyway that’s my dramatic rant of the month of january over lmao.
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sadb0ysims · 5 years
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THE SIMSELF TAG featuring yours truly and her wonderful assistant, antoinette
1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? mia and thats all ur getting out of me
2. WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME? oh god we have some embarrassing ones but jordan and jords are nicknames of mine and u might be able to guess the other obvious ones dgjhfdj
3. BIRTHDAY? february 25th babey
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK SERIES? OH uhh princess diaries by meg cabot probably
5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS OR GHOSTS? not to sure about those funky alien dudes but ehh yeah i believe in ghosts
6. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? i’d say michael morpurgo but that’s probably because his books were shoved down my throat at an early age DKJDFGJ if you can have a favourite poet i can answer this: atticus and lang leav
7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE RADIO STATION? radio one probably!!
8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ANYTHING? the purple one. like, starburst? purple. wine gum? purple
9. WHAT WORD WOULD YOU USE OFTEN TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING GREAT OR WONDERFUL? being the millenial i am probably Uh...li...litty
10. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONG? OH Hm i’d say ocean eyes by billie eilish
11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD? Hm!
12. WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO?  copycat by billie eilish!!
13. WHAT TV SHOW WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR EVERYBODY TO WATCH? LIE TO ME IS THE UNDER APPRECIATED SERIES OF THE CENTURY
14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE TO WATCH WHEN YOU’RE FEELING DOWN? oh uhh i don’t watch films a lot and especially not if i’m feeling?? sad
15. DO YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES? never heard of them
16. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? OH jesus lets say. being forgotten or making no difference in the world
17. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? oh Jesus not a lot of these GJFDH over the past mm month or so i’d say i’ve grown a lot as a person in the fact that i have more respect for myself than i used to, and if i have an opinion on something i evaluate it and decide Do People Really Need To Know? (DPRNTK)
18. WHAT IS YOUR WORST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? EASY my weird. defense mechanism thing. i’ve gotten a bit better in my opinion but the reason i’m usually in so much trouble is because as soon as i’m attacked, i act with anger? its some weird defensive wall that i put up and regret later because i’m not really thinking like a rational person. i just see that i’m being attacked and my first thought is to fight back
19. DO YOU LIKE CATS OR DOGS BETTER? OH cats because i haven’t had one in ages. one of our cats was run over and the other was taken by our neighbours and now he doesn’t even remember us or respond to his name so thats really fun
20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? SUMMER because my skin turns olive in the summer and right now. a bitch is pale! also school is so much nicer in the summer... the whole yeargroup feels like much more of a community because we all sit together outside n it’s just overall very fun and makes me nostalgic of year 7
21. ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP? bitch u really thought-
22. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU MISS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? still in it but. because of a lot of things i was forced to grow up very fast. something i miss is having everyone in the house (my siblings are both a lot older than me so they’re never around) and not having to worry about fitting into certain stereotypes or WASHING MY HAIR!!!!!
23. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? oh god ok so i have a “best friend” but we don’t. agree on a lot of things and she takes everything i say 100% seriously so even though we’re not close i’d consider this group of boys from my school my best friends. and online ofc i have Many Many good friends which i would name but i dont wanna leave anyone out bc i talk to A Lot of people DGHDFJ
24. WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? blue blue blue
25. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? blonde babey
26. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE? my brother
27. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU TRUST? would say myself but sometimes i’m not even sure i can trust HER
28. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? i think about people loads because im a lonely romantic so. i’d say Love Interest and i think about myself a whole lot too like who does this bitch think she is
29. ARE YOU CURRENTLY EXCITED ABOUT/FOR SOMETHING? all the time i’m looking forward to things bc. not a whole lot happens in my life so if Love Interest looks at me a certain way i’ll look forward to going to school for the next couple weeks FDJGHFDJ
30. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST OBSESSION? i think of the future way too much. she’s a dreamer
31. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW AS A CHILD? oh god uhhh i used to cry at in the night garden all the time when it ended bc i hated that iggle piggle sailed away on his boat DJHFD it was probably still my favourite though
32. WHO OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER CAN YOU TELL ANYTHING TO, IF ANYONE? i had a best friend who moved away after year seven and i feel like i could but. who knows we haven’t seen each other for years
33. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? sigh i think so like does it count if my tarot deck says not to do something because. i trust those tarot bitches with all my soul if i have one
34. DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL PHOBIAS? don’t like the dark, i have a fear of holes, can’t sleep without the door open, can’t sleep when i can see in a mirror (fun fact theres a mirror in my room but it’s on a shelf which i can barely see at night like. i can see a glimpse. but knowing it’s there freaks me out so its flipped and has something covering it)
35. DO YOU PREFER TO BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND IT? oh ummmm in front i guess because 1. i look horrible in photos other people have taken of me 2. technically being in front of it. you can still take selfies and 3. the people i know take pictures from really weird angles
36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY? we love a bit of vidya games but i love reading poetry because i’m a whore and also i like singing but that doesn’t mean im good at it!
37. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? UHHH god i really dont read uhh probably lullabies by lang leav
38. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? romeo and juliet (the blessed one featuring young leo dicaprio)
39. WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? i can play the guitar, the recorder, a bit of the piano
40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL? GIRAFFES it’s really sad that they’re now endangered. if ur talkin domestic pets i love guinea pigs, cats and (i’ve never had them but rats
41. WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 5 FAVORITE TUMBLR BLOGS THAT YOU FOLLOW? don’t. this’ll turn into a follow forever and i won’t get any clout bc it’s in such a long post !
42. WHAT SUPERPOWER DO YOU WISH YOU HAD? OH hm. i thought as hard as my tiny brain could about this and i think teleportation would be interesting but if we can choose ANY superpower. is magic one? that’d b pretty wack
43. WHEN AND WHERE DO YOU FEEL MOST AT PEACE? when i’m walking to school at half 7 in the morning and no one’s there and i can hear the trees lining the field rustling in the wind in the distance. it was rainng this morning and even though my whole ass was exposed from the wind and i was soaking it was really peaceful. also there’s a red kite that’s resident to our school field and i love to stand there in the morning and watch it sometimes
44. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE? feeling included DGJHDJ doesn’t happen a whole lot
45. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? i play a lot of sports because i’m in school obviously but i’m really good at rugby bc a bitch is Tactical and Nimble. i love hockey and badminton and stuff though
46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? i LOVE smoothies and milkshakes and everything ugh. i’d be bold enough to say i love drinks more than i love food. like apple juice orange juice MIXED juice smoothies BROWN BAG MILKSHAKES! BITCH! THE STRAWBERRY ONE IS SO GOOD UGH
47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER OR NOTE TO SOMEBODY? oh jesus um. 4 years ago
48. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? fuck yeah brother
49. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? UGH A LOT OF THINGS like. people biting their nails. people tapping their foot on my chair. people not listening when you’re explaining something THEY needed help with. tapping a pen on a desk or clicking it on and off
50. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT? nop
51. ARE YOU VEGAN/VEGETARIAN? my mother is a vegetarian so i eat a lot of vegetarian meals. sometimes i get really put off meat but like. a bitch is 13 and doesn’t pay for her own meals so she doesn’t really get a say in what she eats
52. WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? always wanted to entertain people and be nationally recognised. take that as u will
53. WHAT FICTIONAL WORLD WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN? TOO MANY let’s go... the arcana so i can marry the 1 (one) love of my life dr julian ilyushka devorak... chill in the hanged man’s realm...
54. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WORRY ABOUT? i don’t worry about a lot not gonna lie to u
55. ARE YOU SCARED OF THE DARK? cheers i’ll drink to that broe
56. DO YOU LIKE TO SING? if the screeching sound i make to a slight tune counts as singing then. yes
57. HAVE YOU EVER SKIPPED SCHOOL? not illegally but i’ve had days off sick where i wasn’t sick bc i couldn’t be asked
58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE ON THE PLANET? alone
59. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? somewhere safe
60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? yeah i have a dog and a cat but as i said m cat got taken by my neighbours and doesn’t even remember us so sjfhdjg
61. ARE YOU MORE OF AN EARLY BIRD OR A NIGHT OWL? night owl but if i’m rested well enough i love being up early
62. DO YOU LIKE SUNRISES OR SUNSETS BETTER? sunsets
63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE? no a bitch is 13
64. DO YOU PREFER EARBUDS OR HEADPHONES? probably headphones bc i can’t lose them and the sound quality is better but i’m not a MONSTER so earphones. also headphones automatically make old people scoff at u and hate u more
65. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? nah
66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC? whatever’s poetic enough to be On Brand
67. WHO IS YOUR HERO? don’t really have one
68. DO YOU READ COMIC BOOKS? no
69. WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST ANGRY? the holier than thou attitude Often showcased on simblr by some. familiar faces
70. DO YOU PREFER TO READ ON AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE OR WITH A REAL BOOK? it doesn’t really make a difference
71. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? computer science (mainly for the people because right now we’re just making fucking. powerpoints) or english bc of the people again
72. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? yee a brother and a sister
73. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? christmas presents and some perfume & a purse for me
74. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5′4
75. CAN YOU COOK? not well
76. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE? attention DFJHGSDJ uhh being kind to people who deserve it and hard work paying off
77. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU HATE? patronization, people who believe their opinion is the only opinion and people who cause minor inconveniences for you for no reason
78. DO YOU HAVE MORE FEMALE FRIENDS OR MORE MALE FRIENDS? more female probably but i prefer guys
79. WHAT IS YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION? i say bisexual but no one’s ever been close enough to let me find out
80. WHERE DO YOU CURRENTLY LIVE? party in the UK
81. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED? kyla rosymiel
82. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? UHHH i really can’t remember i know me and kyla were talking about something and i started crying JGFHDGJ
83. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE YOUTUBER? oh god umm probably smii7y but i also really like all his friends like. kryoz etc
84. DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE SELFIES? when i look good FJDHSJD
85. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE APP? would say tumblr but she’s gone ! right now i’m really feeling zepeto bc It May Be Tracking Me but it lets me take pics with all my online friends and i have some sort of weird following on there SDFHSDJ
86. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENT(S) LIKE? i don’t think i’ll ever be able to fully confide in them, i really like my dad but there’s elements of him that don’t really float my boat. same with my mum but i’m less close with her
87. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOREIGN ACCENT? probably australian or. is it swiss? might be swiss.
88. WHAT IS A PLACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO, BUT YOU WANT TO VISIT? france and ofc america
89. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 4
90. CAN YOU JUGGLE? with like 2 things skdghsd
91. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? not really but i believe in a higher power of some sort and a life after death. i believe there’s something out there that is listening but i prefer to think it’s the stars
92. DO YOU FIND OUTER SPACE OF THE DEEP OCEAN TO BE MORE INTERESTING? i find the ocean really ineresting but man will always romanticise space
93. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE A DAREDEVIL? im a 13 year old white girl how ruthless can i be
94. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING? sesame seeds
95. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? nop but everyone else in my family can
96. CAN YOU WIGGLE YOUR EARS? nope
97. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? whenever i realise
98. DO YOU PREFER THE FOREST OR THE BEACH? forest
99. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN YOU? it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission
100. ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR? i lie all the time but i am. SO terrible ASJDFHJ i would love to lie less but it’s so easy to slip into one
101. WHAT IS YOUR HOGWARTS HOUSE? gryffindor
102. DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF? hell yea brother
103. ARE YOU AN INTROVERT OR AN EXTROVERT? kyla put ambivert so i looked that up and. yeah
104. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL/DIARY? did when i was younger but i guess tumblr is somewhat of a personal diary
105. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES? depends
106. IF YOU FOUND A WALLET FULL OF MONEY ON THE GROUND, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? turn it in most likely
107. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGE? “yes, but you should never forget about their past” thanks kyla
108. ARE YOU TICKLISH? only monsters aren’t
109. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A PLANE? nope
110. DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? i have my ears pierced. WILD i know
111. WHAT FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU WISH WAS REAL? UGH FUCK DR JULIAN ILYUSHKA DEVORAK!! it’d be illegal for him to marry anyone but me though
112. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS? yep! i have a tattoo on my back. i plan on getting a lot more tattoos in the future, but i don’t want anymore in the near future
113. WHAT IS THE BEST DECISION THAT YOU’VE MADE IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR? being outspoken and not. watching things pass by
114. DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? of course
115. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS? nopee
116. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN? oof i really don’t know because of what’s happened to me i don’t know if i could knowing i could never protect them from everything. idk pregnancy seems very nice but once the kid gets annoying thats It for me
117. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW? “i think everyone is smart in their own way” thanks kyla
118. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MEMORY? i started laughing once in drama and i pissed myself a lil and i was like ehh thats fine i do that all the time and then i didnt stop pissing and someone was like ‘whats that wet on the floor? they were like mia have u pissed urslef i was like nOSDJF so i had to ask the teacher to leave. u coiuld see the piss down my leg
119. HAVE YOU EVER PULLED AN ALL-NIGHTER? have u SEEN these bags. she’s seen hell 
120. WHAT COLOR ARE MOST OF YOUR CLOTHES? like varying tones of beige and then grey/black
121. DO YOU LIKE ADVENTURES? of course
122. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV? oh uhhh i feel like maybe when i was younger but i’ve. repressed that memory if i have it
123. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 13 years young
124. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE? oh jesus something poetic and by atticus probably let’s see
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after spending more time searching for a quote than i did on literally this whole tag, i decided on this. and then i realised. it will always be ‘YOU ARE A SAD BOY’
24 notes · View notes
aharris00britney · 6 years
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ASKS 09
random stuff, some facts about me, some sims questions, video requests, hair sneak peaks, umm and other stuff too…. also I am 10 candies from being able to evolve that dumb fish so wig
Anonymous said: Do you have a car?
Nope!
Anonymous said: Hi wcif the shirts in your coming soon in June update ps I love your cc x
hey! for any WCIFs for that stuff, I am probably going to wait until the posts for the hairs are up because I know that people won’t check when the hairs are posted for my old wcifs.
@angelamariacalle​ said: you could make a WIP the eyes that you use in your post with ice cream?     
i have no idea what you were trying to say ;-; the eyes I used are my default ones which you can download here
@ayoshi-sims​ said: Once you get this SHARE 6 facts about yourself and send it to your 10 favorite blogs ✨
I still play pokemon go (fight me)
I think that pop music was the best in 2007-2011 (One of the Boys, The Fame/The Fame Monster, Circus/Blackout, Animal/Cannibal, The best damn thing)
I am a super middle child! (two older siblings, and two younger ones as well)
I keep all my kpop albums on my dresser, with my Red Velvet one hanging in a red/white flower crown I own :)
My favorite food to snack on is either a tuna kit, or pickles
I am a bottom XD
Anonymous said: When you get this, please respond with five things that make you happy! Then, send to the last ten people in your notifications anonymously. You never know who might benefit from spreading positivity!
aaaaah okay um
my kpop girlies i stan
my angel rocky (my old af pug)
my friends (irl and online <3)
the concept of love is always something that makes me happy omg i know that is cheesy but like… imagine finding someone that is perfect for you will always be there when you need and like just GOD I NEED A MAN NOW
charli xcx music umm yeah it’s 5 in the morning
Anonymous said: Hello, I was wondering if you have your sims on the gallery? Thanks for your time. :)       
Yeah! I have a few sims for download on my origin which is SPOTHARRIS I also have them for download on this page
Anonymous said: Hello!! Just wondering wicf the freckles from the discontinued model in your older posts (e.g. momo buns) thank you!!! BTW I love your stuff soo much! :)
Hey! I no longer have that file or even know where I got them from :( Here is an OLD af wcif I answered of them though
Anonymous said: Where are you from?
I am from Virginia, which is on the east coast of the United States :)
Anonymous said: Hi!! I feel like this is such a silly question but oh well I’m a noob. If I use your Quartz eyes V2 will they be inherited in the next generation if my sims have kids? Same with your hair colors as well?
I honestly have no idea how any of that stuff works :( I’m sorry! I assume it should but also maybe not? ;-; again, sorry!
Anonymous said: omg the hair with the flowers in it! *-* i love!! will you also make a version without the flowers? I also wanted to say I’m really happy your life is going well and congrats on the 30k followers
thank you so much!! and I the hair will obvi have no flowers :P the flowers should be accessories if everything works out. There are some clipping issues rn but I think it is fixable :) here is a pic without the flowers. If you guys have any recommendations about then pls send them my way
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Anonymous said: Would you ever consider doing really long curly hair like the singer Sza’s?
I personally don’t like super long hair in TS4, it just doesn’t look well with most clothes and has clipping/weight issues :( I’m sorry!!
Anonymous said: Do you know what happened to SimpleSimmer?
I don’t, no. But I am sure she is fine :) sometimes people just take breaks
Anonymous said: Hi! So, i really love your sim with the dark brown hair (for your hair cc) and i was wondering if you could ever share that sim! Because she has a beautiful face. Also i am wondering which skin overlay (etc) you are using! You can find me in the gallery under the name: xThisGirl (if that is an easier way for you to respond :)
Hey! You can find her download here, along with all my other sims :) I am glad you like her <3
Anonymous said: Hey! I know you probably won’t read this as fast but I wanted to ask, how do you shift the hairline to the side or any of that? Like your daisy hair, briana hair, and that one wip you had in a tutorial video of yours! I really want to do that but I just don’t know how :(
I will maybe record something for this! No promises bc I have to get someone to edit the videos for me and I don’t wanna bug him but I will see if he can edit it for me if I film it :) It is pretty simple to do once you get the hang of it
@sims4storiesandstuff​ said: I just wanted to say, your hairs are the shit! Absolutely stunning. I rarely use the EA hairs anymore! I think you deserve every follower you have.            
Thank you so much!!! I really appreciate stuff like this <3 I don’t play the game myself much so it makes me happy knowing that my hairs make other peoples games so much more enjoyable uwu
Anonymous said: hello can you make please a video when you make a hair and upload it?
I would like to! I just do so many random things while doing a hair like showing pictures to friends and getting their advice. So I will have to see, would you guys mind if the video had conversation stuff in it? As I said earlier, someone edits the videos for me so I don’t wanna get him to do more work for it by editing them out :( I will look into it for sure though!
Anonymous said: That hair wip in your lil video tutorial is absolutely beautiful!! Can’t wait until it’s released !! 🧡🧡
thank you so much!! Here are some more pics of it:
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Anonymous said: are you korean? If not, how can you like kpop if you dont understand it?
I am not korean haha, but music is about more than understanding. It is about the feelings it vibes you get from it and the moods it puts you in. People love screamo music even though it is hard to understand, and music like instrumentals and dubstep heavy are just… what the music makes you feel. I listen to ‘normal’ pop, kpop, instrumentals, artists like grimes that mumble their songs a lot with production heavy stuff. I think that as long as the music is something you enjoy, you shouldn’t be judged for liking it. I know you aren’t trying to be rude with this ask so don’t think I am attacking you please! I am just trying to give you some insight into why different music interests people :)
Anonymous said: I’m so happy to see that you’ve made a patreon account! you really make amazing CC and that’s such a gift to the community, I’m happy that now I get to feel like I can give something to you haha :) have a great day/evening!
thank you so much! and thank you for supporting <3
@lesyatim​ said: Hello,  it’s not ask. I only want to say that you make very beautiful hair and  THANK YOU! I Love You💕💕💕💕💕 P.S. I’m from Russia and I don’t now English very well♡)
thank you so much!! Спасибо большое (that is suppose to say thank you in german lmao)
Anonymous said: When did u make a skin?
it is a hidden gem :P It is mainly to fix the collarbones bc I use multiple skin overlays so I that is why is was never posted :)
Anonymous said: Congratulations i hope you have a happy family 😄
ummm?? I GOT IT I GOT I GOT I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT
@dangerouskindofmind said: I actually don’t have a question! I just wanna say you are one of my favorite sims 4 creators out here. Your hairs; snatched. Your clothes; beautiful. Your sims; amazing. And your personality looks just as good lol. I’ve probably downloaded like 99.9% of your content and I just wanna say thank you for all you do to make my sims 4 experience loads better. I also hope you’re having a great day
thank you so much!!!! I appreciate it a ton, I love that my content makes people love this game more <3
Anonymous said: Just wanted to say that literally all of your CC is beautiful and from what I’ve seen, I absolutely adore your personality. Keep it up my dear, you’ve got crazy talent. Much love <3
thank you, thank you!!! My personality irl is kind of shitty lmao I am really shy and like reserved ;-; and it is just memorizing how to do some editing to hair meshes, not much talent involved <3 thank you so so much again though!! I love getting these kind of messages
Anonymous said: Are you gonna make an outerwear cc pack when the seasons expansion pack releases?
I don’t make much clothing CC so I highly doubt it. I am working on a swimsuit that I might post later this month though! We will see what happens though :D
Anonymous said: thank you very much for a playlist that you shared with One Shot,Two Shot,I’m totally in love ur the best
yesss BoA is such a queen, listen to the full mini album if you can! It is one of her best releases in my opinion.
Anonymous said: aharris00britney awnsered me,cuz I remember my question and it’s on the asks recent post AND i’ll shake this print in all my enemies face thx,I asked about the patreon and I’m doing it right now bby <3            
hehe thank you!! <3 you show them enemies
– just so the eating ass juicy booty ask so yep that is all I have gotten in the past month that I can answer :P
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subdivisi0ns · 6 years
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tagged by the lovely @britneyshakespeare to answer these 10 questions & come up with 10 of my own. thank you !! 💗
psa i wrote way too much please don’t read this. just skip to the questions at the end if i tagged you
1. What are 3 songs that mean something to you, and what do they mean?
that’s hard because i don’t usually find personal meanings in songs. i’m a lot more interested in what the song means to the artist who wrote it. but let’s see if i can think of some
-um. after all by david bowie was always Highly Relatable. like. prattling on & on waxing philosophical only to suddenly realize everything i said is wrong and don’t hate me and also now i’m having an existential crisis and i shouldn’t have started talking in the first place? M e
-when i was first getting into rush i was a big fan of Self Isolating To Cope and also i had no friends and was proud of it (bc if i couldn’t find a way to take pride in my [perceivedly] unchangeable flaws my entire self image would come crashing to the ground and that just wasn’t a good time . anyway). so the lines “nothing can survive in a vacuum / no one can exist all alone” from turn the page pissed me off. but now! now i have loads of friends and i feel legitimately cared about and i feel like i can comfortably reciprocate that and now when i hear that song i think you know what neil? you’re goddamn right.
-uh i s’pose i relate to another brick in the wall pt 3 which is not a good thing but. i dunno i really love being angrily in denial of needing any help whatsoever along to this song. it’s my flaw-pride anthem (don’t worry i don’t take it literally. it’s just fun in the moment)
-shit i know this said three but the one person who i relate to EVERY FUCKING SONG he’s ever put out is bill wurtz. never have i felt so understood than when i listen to bill wurtz’s music. god it’s the most uncanny feeling, i really really understand it a lot
ok i have to stop thinking of more . turns out a lot have meaning to me ive spent like an hour on this question alone Moving On
2. What’s your ideal self like?
. this was The Worst question to ask me because i can and will ramble on for hours given the opportunity
well i’d be able to execute my ideas, for one. instead of just having a half-baked - quarter-baked - fleeting concept with no real idea of how to achieve it. more specifically i want to be able to write songs. more more specifically i want to be able to write the music aspect of songs. i can’t do it. i dont fuckin know why i just can’t. but if i could i think i just might be content with life.
but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still things to improve. i wish i was funnier. i like my weird brand of humor/abstractity online but that’s hard to replicate in real life. i wish i was better at thinking on the spot. i wish my memory didn’t only retain stuff when it feels like it. i wish i was better at putting my thoughts into words, more concisely and accurately and effectively.
um i wish i didnt have executive function issues. like i wanna just do stuff and not have it take all the energy out of me. wish i had the energy to do it to begin with. wish i could keep up with socializing and not ignore people for hours/days because i can’t get myself to maintain conversation.
ok clearly this is leading down an endless tunnel of what i’d change so . i’ll just say my ideal self is a successful musician with a good social life but also an element of mystery and intrigue. my ideal self is just david bowie
3. Who, of all your family members (immediate or extended), do you think has had the most influence on you, for better or for worse?
my mom for a lot (a looooooot) of reasons but if i go into it this is gonna push it over the line from a tag game into a therapy session (if i havent crossed that line already)
4. What’s your main outlet of expression?
writing. journalling. fuckin , social media. actually yeah that more than anything. my Self is on display here if you look at my tumblr(s) my twitter(s) and my instagram(s) you’ve got a pretty goddamn decent picture of who i am
5. What was the first album you ever bought for yourself?
uh i mean i listen to most stuff off of youtube if i don’t already have it so like,,? i dunno. does itunes count? the first vinyl i ever got was wish you were here (for forty fuckin bucks god) but i paid with my aunt’s money so does that even count. i don’t know.
6. Do you like to go shopping?
depends on a lot of things. lately i’ve been in the mood to just get out of the damn house whenever possible (love being a high school dropout !) so the answer is pretty much yes anytime. but it really depends.
7. Kind of cliche but, if you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would you pick?
i wanna be the fourth person at the dinner with rush table. just to observe. i’d be terrified to actually have a conversation with any of my idols. okay but if i had to get over that fear i guess i’d pick..... bowie? todd? i don’t know this is hard. alex lifeson circa 197something so he can take me back to his place afterwards you pickin up what im puttin down
8. What TV show do you watch when you’re feeling stressed or low and you need a quick feel-better fix?
i don’t watch tv like ever not even in this case but i guess full house
9. What was the last intriguing conversation you had about?
everything my girlfriend said to me today (edit: yesterday but i did this last night) was great everything my girlfriend’s ever said to me was great
oh that didn’t answer the question at all i just realized. uh they were telling me about the star wars prequels (which i have not seen) and earlier we were having a very analytical conversation about a particularly interesting rush photo
also me & @swanky-trash were discussing our plans to take down trump and all the rest of those bastards while wearing jareth from labyrinth costumes and eating mushrooms. because it’s our destiny as clones separated at birth. yknow just life stuff
10. What’s something about yourself that you don’t think comes across as painfully obvious online, but is, in fact, in person?
shit are we at the end already? damn. i was enjoying this (can you tell).
okay here’s another one i could go on for 12 years about. but uh. i probably come across as way more perky irl? like my voice is all high pitched and i talk really fast and smile and laugh at everything and i have a whatever the opposite of monotone is voice. i don’t like that. i try to combat it online with the all-lowercase typing and shortening of words and omission of punctuation and that sort of thing. i think it’s worked. also i may be terrible at typing but i am WAY worse at speaking. i’m scatterbrained as hell and if i seem at all interesting or witty online that all goes to shit irl. also i can’t fucking talk to people who i only know in person? it just doesn’t work. thank god i have you guys
haaaa okay sorry for the rambling here are the questions
1. what’s the best day/one of the best days you’ve ever had?
2. how important is your social media presence to you?
3. what achievement are you proudest of?
4. describe your sense of humor.
5. is there anything you’re good at or like to do that people who don’t know you well probably wouldn’t expect?
6. what’s your most interesting family story?
7. favorite color palette?
8. what’s something that would be very “out of character” for you to do?
9. yknow that thing on twitter that’s like “pick 1 & rt for good luck” and the options are good grades, meet your idol, money, or crush texts you? which one would/did you pick and why?
10. what’s a song you either wish you’d written or feel like you could’ve written?
i tag @thetemplesofrush @thumbnailoak3 @swanky-trash @lavender-layne @realalexlifeson @davies-jones @goallines-and-musicrhymes @fruitthemed @graveyarding @cosmikdebris99 and anyone else who wants to do it and dont feel pressured to do it etc etc god i hope none of you actually read this whole thing i am so sorry
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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years
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dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 
kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 
okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships
lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 
ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 
lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 
okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 
(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 
kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 
anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 
internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 
the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)
okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.
ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.
wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 
but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 
side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 
anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.
so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 
kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 
basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 
anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 
anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 
mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully. 
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ch99rry · 7 years
Note
1-102? 😁😁😁
omg ur gonna kill me
1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
i think the last person who told me they loved me was my mother lmao so im pretty sure she meant it
2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?
mmmm i mean i would if they were comfortable with it. im 17 so its not that much of an age difference but im still underage but idk
3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?
LMAO NGL IT WAS WHEN I WAS SITTING NEXT TO MY BOYFRIEND (i feel like its too early to call him that......) DURING LUNCH. AS MUCH AS I WAS HAPPY THAT HE WAS THERE I WAS ALSO RLLY MAD THAT IM SO AWKWARD WITH HIM
4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?
i mean??? yeah???
5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
omg yeah probably coughdominiccough
6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
yepppp it was where are you by taeil i think
7. What exactly are you wearing right now?
uhh my caltech hoodie and some gray sweatpants
8. How often do you listen to music?
like every minute of everyday. i will always listen to music
9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?
probably sweats since i dont normally wear jeans during the week (i have uniforms at my school)
10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?
...what?
11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?
both??? im very social and open with my friends but its hard for me to talk to groups of people (even if its just like 10-15 people) and people im not that close to
12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?
hmmm nope
13. What about ‘R’?
nope
14. Can you drive a stick shift?
UM NOPE PROBABLY NOT
15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?
g o d y e s
16. Are you going out of town soon?
i dont think i am
17. When was the last time you cried?
uhhh tuesday? yeah tuesday
18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?
yeyeye
19. If you could change your eye color, would you?
mmm maybe... i kinda want a lighter brown but idk
20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?
PARK CHANYEOL PARK CHANYEOL PARK CHANYEOL PARK CHANYEOL PARK CHANYEOL PARK–
21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.
uh well the day im having is over so
idk what i disliked tbh. maybe during lunch when my bf’s friends forced him to sit with my friends and i while at the same forcing me to sit with them
that was so embarrassing lmao
22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?
YES YES YES YES YES except i got acne and shit on my forehead so its kinda gross
23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?
mmmm nah
24. What are you sitting on right now?
my bed
25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?
yeye!! my best friend aleks!!
26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
GOD Y E S
27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
aleks!!
28. Do you get a lot of colds?
nah
29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?
caltech
30. Does anyone hate you?
yeah definitely lmao
31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?
nah
32. Do you like watching scary movies?
eh not really but i’ll watch them anyway
33. Do you want your tongue pierced?
nah
34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
probably freshman year
35. Did you have a dream last night?
none that i recall
36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
yesterday?? i think
37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
mmm probably not
38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?
umm yes?? hopefully my bf???
39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
y e s??? h ope f u l ly my b f????
40. Did you have a good day yesterday?
mmm yeah! i would consider it a good day
41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?
nah
42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?
mmmm i dont think i will
43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
mmm probably aleks but idk i dont remember. in a romantic way, no one
44. What’s the best part about school?
def my friends
45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?
yep
46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?
mmm nah bc all my teachers have been so chill with my friends and i bc we’re like the smart group of kids
47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
Y E S
48. Were you single over the last summer?
yep
49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
oh god no. if my life were anything like two years ago i would probably be dead by now
50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?
sleeping lmao
51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
nahh
52. Are you nice to everyone?
i try to be but if someone pisses me off lmao i’ll go off on them
53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
yepppp (i had a crush on two of my gay friends lmao)
54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
ofc!! cheating is literally the worst thing you could do in a relationship (besides kill them...)
plus i dont wanna hurt jaydon by cheating on him omg :((
also who tf would i cheat on him with wtf
55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?
mmm yeah. not so much online but in person im p good at hiding my feelings
56. Do you think you like someone?
uh???? yes????
57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?
GOD I WISH
58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
lmao this is a dumb question
59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?
probably franchesca
60. Do you hate anyone?
GOD YES
61. How’s your heart?
its... p okay rn i guess. i got some insecurities still but im in a good place rn i think
62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?
yeah kinda
63. Have you ever cried over a guy?
lmao who do u think i am? of course i have
64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
probably zu
65. Are your toenails painted pink?
nah
66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?
mmm i hope not!!
67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?
i mean. sure? if he did it in front of me, i’d be glad that hes being open but i cant imagine jaydon crying lmao
68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?
nah
69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
mmmm rene or kat
70. How do you look right now?
like a mess
71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
yes!!!!
72. Can you commit to one person?
OFC
73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
mmm yeah
74. Have you ever felt replaced?
oh my god yes
75. Did you wake up cranky?
today? a little bit
76. Are you a jealous person?
yeah i get p jealous and paranoid easily
77. Are relationships ever worth it?
yes!! maybe not if u get rlly bad paranoia and anxiety but im trying to work past my paranoia and rlly enjoy this
78. Anyone you’re giving up on?
nope
79. Currently wanting to see anyone?
y e ss
80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
go to a roller rink!!
81. Last person you cried in front of?
uhhh i dont think ive cried in front of someone in y e a r s
82. Is there someone you will never forget?
my best friend from 3rd grade
83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?
lmao i would like to think he is but im not sure, i’d have to ask
84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?
probably watching a movie. i rlly wanna watch train to busan with someone (preferrably him lmao)
85. Are you over your past?
more or less
i still think about the past year or two with kat, alex, and tay but everything before then im p okay with
86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?
y e
87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
yep
88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
first true love??? uh??? true love is a dumb concept???
also my first love already apologized for being a dick to me and i already accepted it lmao
89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?
uh no thanks
90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
mmm nah
91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?
i hope so!!
92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?
yepp and hes a loser senior :^)))
93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?
nope
94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?
nope
95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?
i mean??? i guess?? he was also kind of a dick
96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?
ye shes p cute (it was aleks lmao)
97. Who do you have texts from?
what does this even mean
98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
i would honestly cry but even if i felt crushed (which i would be) i wouldn’t be surprised bc i think all the time that im not good enough for him. besides that, i feel like the last option tbh. like after leeloo and franchesca, its me, and i know im probably overthinking that but i cant help but feel that way. so yeah i’d probably tell him its doesnt surprise me but i’d still be upset
99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
nope
100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?
uhhh thats chanyeol
101. Ever kissed under fireworks?
nah
102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
yes!!!!
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vacantlesbian · 7 years
Text
ok im just sort of like dumping my thoughts and sorting out how ive been feeling the last few days. or week. idk
i thought breaking up w shelly would be a bigger thing than it was/is. but its not. i mean thats 4 years and my hang up before was always that we’ve been thru a lot of shit together. we’ve dealt with violent creeps online, living in a motel, being broke many, many times. moving to ca, getting guilt tripped into living in bell and deciding to leave. coming back to al when her mom got that heart attack. i felt that since we went thru all that stuff surely how we felt for one another was strong enough to deal w anything. and then slowly all the clues from the years warning me started piling up. outside of alabama it was only here and there, very few times and since it hardly ever came up i thought we’d gotten past it and figured it out. but now with all these toxic people around us (her family), i see how she is outside of me. i remember one time during ferguson i got black out drunk, but before that i was livid bc she was basically shitting on me bc i was “racist against white people” and i called her mom a racist mother fucker (she is) and she flipped her shit. we argued for days but now that i think about it, it was never really resolved, we just gave each other the silent treatment until one of us gave in. i dont remember. i spent that night sleeping in the bath tub tho. years later from then (late last year) im FOR ONCE, THE ONE AND ONLY TIME, arguing with her mom because i cant take her racist shit anymore and shelly tries to diffuse the situation but i cant tell if shes on my side or not, im too drunk and too angry and focused on her mom. all i can remember her saying is “yeah ash hates white people, she hates all of us” with some kind of sarcasm and victim complex and complaining my mom (brown mexican) made a snap judgement of her bc shes white and from the south and my mom thinks shes a redneck. all i can say to that is??? so fucking what??? and my mom was right. 
it was so few and far between when we did not live in alabama i almost wondered if i WAS blowing things out of proportion. but now having to live here and having to hear all kinds of fucked up shit all the time and seeing how she ignores or AGREES with lowkey shit like she thinks shes sly i know i shouldve gone w my gut. 
what broke the camels back was calling her out on some transphobic shit she was agreeing with. we argued for not even five minutes when it sounded Too Familiar. every argument that mattered through four years was suddenly like it was being read off a script. id call her out and she’d blame me for being too upset and that she didnt mean it like that or she cant do anything bc of me. 
whats astounding to me is that these topics and things were always things we agreed on. on paper, in black and white anyway. 
i had already had the Reverse Racism think burning at the back of my mind for months. now i also know she will not acknowledge me as anything but a Girl. i feel like im gonna explode. 
AND - AND - AND.
I almost forgot but another thing that (why didnt i ever see this) whenever we have a big argument she immediately shits on me. the big one is that im not working (first it was bc i could Not find a job ANYWHERE, and now even if i did i dont have a way to get there. bc her parents did not get one, but two cars repo’d --- they HAD THE MONEY. THEY JUST NEVER FUCKING PAID THE BILLS OH MY GOD ---) or that i dont do the chores??? either i did all the chores and tried to get her to help out or ask her to walk her own dog when she was home and she acted like i slapped her in the face. i mean yeah i can get working can be tiring and we’re both fucking depressed but she also only worked 3 days a week oh my god. 
now im stuck living with her and her parents with my family on the other side of the country, i have never felt safe here but i thought i could count on her to have my back. lolnope. i cant get a job bc theres just no way to work out the vehicle situation and even if i do its probs just going to be min wage and part time so it would take forever for me to save up and go back home. i cant just take a bus because i actually MOVED here and i have stuff and two cats and a dog. it took 3k to come to al. 
honestly i wish i was fucking dead but im too spiteful to die. i mean my family isnt great they can be shitty assholes too but at least theyre MY family. and dont have fucking GUNS IN THE HOUSE. CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT ITS BEEN LIKE AS DEPRESSED AS I AM AND ALSO SUICIDAL MOST THE TIME KNOWING THERES A LOADED GUN IN THE HOUSE HOLY SHIT.
im tired and i want to go home and i hate that im stuck here. you trust someone and try to be a good partner and support them while their family’s sick and they fucking pull the rug out from under you. 
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