Would the Yandere monster and reader have kids? 🥺

Tw: mentions of pregnancy and birth

Sure, it might even be an expected duty for him to provide heirs to the royal family. The real question is how pleasant the birthing experience will be. Are they going to be full humans? Monsters? Halflings? If so, which are the inherited monstrous parts? I don’t know about you, but being stabbed in the uterus by the keratinous horns of a beastly fetus doesn’t sound too cozy. We’re going back to the not so nice parts about monster fucking but with realistic biology.

Then again, I did say the mother-in-law is just a halfling. One has to wonder how she managed to deliver your husband.

Edit: my partner has reminded me that horse hooves are soft while in the womb, so the same logic could apply to monstrous hard parts.

“X would theoretically be able to impregnate any human with a viable reproductive system” i mean… don’t threaten me with a good time ! got 3% chance of making it EZ

But more seriously, to improve the chance of survival of a human partner, could it be possible to do a c-section before the baby goes full goblin mode and pull a chestburster on us? And technically, what would you say is the timeline of an alien pregnancy? Is it faster than a human pregnancy since they are anatomically different to one another with the tentacles and all

(I can’t believe the main two current theme of your asks are either alien pregnancy or zero not getting any)(so sorry for being passionate about this topic btw but I have to personally know when it comes to tentacle bbg)

Everyone wants to know if they can be on their Bella Swan vibe or the inner workings of Zero’s virginity and I love that for y’all!

I love questions like these because I develop the answers while I’m answering hehehe like this isn’t something I thought about until this ask!

So hm the average alien pregnancy lasts longer than a human’s (about 1 Earth year instead of 9 months) given the alien’s longer lifespan and more ~stuff~ that needs to develop.

I guess you could do a c section and then incubate the alien fetus before the tentacles get long enough to rip apart the carrier, but that brings the risk of harming the baby :/

If the human was to be on Nion 8, it’s more likely that this can feasibly happen as their technology is equipped to handle tentacle babies kdbdkdnkdjd but heading to a hospital here on Earth may not yield the best results.

I’ll say the chance of survival for carrier and baby increases from 3% to 20% if they survive long enough in the pregnancy for the c section to occur.

I hope this makes at least a little bit of sense JSOSJDIDO

Could you please write #43 grandparents/neighbors one?

43. we’re having our family meal at my grandparents’ house this year so fingers crossed your parents still live next door and you grew up to be even hotter

from winter writing prompts here

oh god this one got so long. sorry everyone! thank you to @k-sci-janitor for the alien bit because it was so fucking funny

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Holidays have gotten a little weird to manage since Newt transformed into a fully-fledged adult with an apartment and a job and stuff, so while he hasn’t made it to the big Geiszler celebration in Germany every December since starting college out of elementary school, he still tries to make a point of dropping by his dad’s for dinner and a movie or something to fill his holiday quota. It’s fine by him; he loves his family, but they’re definitely overwhelming, and trying to submit final grades and work on syllabuses for the next semester all while distant relatives ruffle his hair and ask him when he’s going to hit his growth spurt is not his idea of a relaxing time. It’s a constant point of contention between him and his dad. This year more than most, apparently.

“Your grandmother misses you!” he tells Newt sadly over their Chinese takeout. “She calls me every week to ask how you are, and why you never visit with them. Every week.” He waves a fork at Newt. “You’re breaking her heart.”

“I’m in the lab, like, twenty-four-seven, dad,” Newt sighs. It’s a well-rehearsed conversation at this point, but it doesn’t get any less tiresome. Especially because he knows his dad is lying about the phone call thing—Newt is a great grandson and texts his grandmother plenty, thank you very much, he would know if he was breaking her heart. “I’m working straight through winter break this year. Seriously.”

“That’s what you did last year,” Newt’s dad says. “And the year before that…” Newt turns the volume up on the TV to cut his dad off before he can segue into the next part of his argument, which is (usually) that Newt needs to work on his personal life, maybe settle down, produce some grandkids of his own. Or at least adopt a cat. Also well-rehearsed.

He’s not sure why he says what he does next—maybe in a desperate attempt to distract his dad further. Maybe because of the sudden onslaught of childhood memories the mention of his grandparents’ house brought on. “Hey, do you remember that boy who used to live next door to grandma?” he says. “He had the weird haircut and always dressed kind of funny?” Old-fashioned, and a little too formal for the sort of things that little kids tend to do, climbing trees or playing in the mud—sweatervests and polished loafers and starched-white knee-highs.

Newt’s dad blinks at him. Newt half expects him to declare that Newt is nuts, and that he has no idea what he’s talking about, like this is one of those horror stories where the childhood friend turns out to be some ghost who died fifty years prior. The clothing would match up, he guesses. But he smiles in recognition a moment later. “You mean the Gottlieb boy?” he says.

“Gottlieb,” Newt echoes. It sounds familiar enough. “Hermann, I think. When I’d stay with grandma for the summer we would play together every day. I wonder what he’s doing now.” Hermann was a smart guy, a real geek like Newt; he used to carry a graphing calculator around in his pocket and build the most goddamn pristine model spacecrafts Newt had ever seen. Hermann’s dad shipped him off to a prestigious boarding school the last summer Newt spent there, when they were around twelve or so. Newt started at MIT not long after. “Dude’s probably designing rocket ships by now or something.”

“You could ask him yourself if you came with me,” Newt’s dad laughs. “The Gottliebs never moved away, and their children actually visit. I’m sure your Hermann visits, too.”

“Ha,” Newt says. “Yeah.”

It’s snowing by the time Newt and his dad finish their movie, and Newt (fearing his dad’s driving even in ideal conditions) declines the offer of a lift home to trudge his way through it to his T stop instead. It’s nice to have the chance to be alone with his thoughts, anyway, because he can’t seem to get funny little Hermann Gottlieb out of his head. What is he doing now?

A quick Facebook search on the train produces a few Hermann Gottliebs, but none of them promising—none of them have the brown eyes or strangely angular face (devoid of any baby fat even that young) Newt remembers, none of them are from the right German countryside, none of them went to a preppy English boarding school. Google (utilizing the information Newt does have) is a little more rewarding, and by the time Newt presses the button to request his stop, he’s scrounged up a decent amount of info: Hermann Gottlieb has a doctorate in astrophysics, Hermann Gottlieb publishes papers at a slightly terrifying rate, and Hermann Gottlieb turned out kinda hot.

As Newt stares down at a slightly grainy current photograph of his old friend—haircut and clothing unchanged, a cane in hand, some round librarian glasses perched on the end of his nose, wide mouth twisted into a scowl—he suddenly recalls another thing about Hermann Gottlieb: the summer Hermann was sent away to boarding school was the summer that Hermann kissed Newt goodbye, shyly and tearfully, under the shade of the tall maple tree in his yard. It was the last time Newt ever saw Hermann. It was Newt’s first kiss.

“Oh, boy,” Newt says.

He texts his dad when he gets back to his apartment. When do we leave?

Newt feels like the belle of the fucking ball when he steps into his grandparents’ house a week later, snow dusting his shoulders, small suitcase clenched in his hand. His cheeks are kissed; his scarf and hat and leather jacket are brushed off and tossed onto a coat rack; his hair is in parts smoothed down (too messy!) and ruffled (too flat!); he’s hugged more times than he has been in the entire last year, probably. “Still playing around with bugs in the dirt, eh, Newt?” his grandfather booms, tucking Newt into the crook of his arm with enough force to knock Newt’s glasses off.

“Actually,” Newt squeaks, scrambling for both what he remembers of his very rusty German, and his glasses before they can hit the ground, “entomology isn’t really my main focus at—”

“Newt’s studying jellyfish now,” Newt’s dad declares proudly. “He went on a diving expedition this July.”

“Diving? How exciting,” Newt’s grandmother says.

“Yeah,” Newt says. He pushes his glasses back on. “Yeah, it was fascinating, I was lucky to get the funding for it. You wouldn’t believe the sorts of—”

“Isn’t that dangerous?” Newt’s cousin says.

“My little Newt’s a daredevil!” Newt’s dad says.

“It’s not that dangerous,” Newt says. “As long as you’re—”

“What happened to that nice man your father said you were dating?” Newt’s grandfather says. “With the, the what was it, the poetry? The poet? We thought you’d bring him!”

Newt flushes. Trust his dad to talk up some random guy Newt dated in March like it was a long-term affair and not an elongated one-night stand that fizzled out after three weeks. Though maybe that one’s on Newt—it’s not like he mentioned the one-night stand part to his dad, after all. He definitely didn’t mention that the guy ended it with a poem, too. “We broke up,” he says, weakly. He wriggles out from the throng of the crowd. “Look, it’s so great seeing you all, but I’m actually, like, really tired, soooooo…?”

“Oh, of course you are,” Newt’s grandmother says. She pats his head. “What a long flight you must have had! We’ll send someone up for you for dinner—you can have your old guest room.”

“Cool,” Newt says.

He scurries up the stairs.

The guest room he slept in during those summers is almost exactly the way he remembers it, but a little dustier—the floral quilt on the bed, his grandma’s sewing table crammed into the corner, the bookcase stocked with a weird combination of kid’s books and illustrated encyclopedias that Newt used to pore over for hours as a kid, often with Hermann. Newt draws back the embroidered curtains and peers out the window at the Gottliebs’ snow-capped house next door. Hermann’s window was directly across from his. It still is, technically, though the curtains (these navy blue and embroidered with little constellations) are pulled tight, and Newt has a feeling that Hermann hasn’t set foot in his old room in well over a decade. Two decades, probably.

He remembers the one summer he showed Hermann how to make a soup can telephone, and they managed to string it all the way across between their windows before discovering it kinda didn’t work as well as Newt said it would. He remembers when Hermann’s dad banned him from the Gottlieb house for tracking water all over their front hallway after he and Hermann went wading in the creek, but it was really Hermann who did it, because he forgot to take his shoes off and they got soaked, and Newt just took the fall for it so Hermann wouldn’t get in trouble. And when Hermann asked Newt to play astronaut with him, and Newt insisted on being an alien and mimed the chestburster scene from Alien, and Hermann freaked out so bad he fell in a mud puddle and got grounded for ruining his clothing, and Newt got grounded for that and for watching Alien when he wasn’t supposed to, and they spent the following few days staring sadly out across at each other before Newt’s grandma finally got tired of his moping and sent him to work weeding the garden. He remembers knotting a little friendship bracelet for Hermann out of embroidery thread he found in his grandmother’s sewing basket and Hermann vowing to keep it until he died.

Newt’s half of the soup can phone is still on the windowsill, though the string snapped and crumbled apart years ago. He picks at the peeling Chicken Noodle label, so distracted that he almost doesn’t notice the light suddenly seeping through at the edges of Hermann’s curtains, or the way they’re pushed open—almost.

Hermann—real, live, adult Hermann, botched haircut and round glasses and all—stares out at Newt with a shocked expression on his face. Newt drops the can with a clatter.

Then he waves.

“Hey, Grandma?” Newt says, poking his head into the kitchen. Tonight’s dinner is a massive pot of soup boiling away on the stovetop, dessert a mountain of cookies and tiny pastries on serving platters on the counters. Newt hasn’t had food that looked this good since he moved out, to be honest. The intersection of Newt’s sad lack of cooking skills and his attempts at vegetarianism means he eats a lot of boxed mac-and-cheese and frozen Vegetable Lovers’ pizzas. “Are you—?"

“Oh, Newt!” Newt’s grandmother says. She sets down her wooden spoon. “Are you feeling rested, then?”

“Yeah,” Newt says. “Grandma, I was wondering, could I—uh—maybe run some food over to the Gottliebs? To be…neighborly? We just have so much, and—”

“That’s a wonderful idea,” Newt’s grandmother says. “They keep to themselves, mostly, but I can’t imagine they’d turn it down. You might even see your little friend again! What was his name? You were so fond of him.”

“Hermann,” Newt says, quickly shoving cookies into a red-lid plastic container. “Thanks, Grandma.”

He tucks the tupperware under his arm and nearly wipes out on the icy front path he runs to the Gottliebs’ so fast. Before he can so much as catch his breath and knock, their door swings open; Hermann, dressed in a tacky Hannukah sweater, arches an eyebrow at him. “I saw you sprint over here like a bloody madman,” he says, in blessed English. He must’ve remembered how shitty Newt’s German was when they were kids. “Hello, Newton. What’s so terribly important?”

His voice got deeper—expected—and he swapped out his German accent for an English one somewhere along the way. Probably at his stuffy boarding school. He also got taller—he’s got a few inches on Newt now, but Newt admits that’s not exactly hard. God, he’s even hotter in person. “Uh,” Newt says. Why is he here? Oh, right. He thrusts out the tupperware. “I brought some cookies over for you?”

Hermann peers down at the offering over his glasses. His forehead wrinkles. “How considerate,” he says. He pulls an olive-green parka on and steps out onto the porch, tugging the door shut behind him. He taps at a peeling porch swing with the end of his cane. “Just leave them there. Would you like to take a walk?”

It’s freezing, and snowing, but for some reason, a walk sounds like the best idea in the world right now. “Yes, please,” Newt says, and chucks the cookies onto the swing.

“I must say,” Hermann says, after their meandering walk around the Gottliebs’ yard takes them to the old maple tree. The branches are bare, but thick, and shield them from most of the falling snow. Hermann’s breath puffs out white in front of his angular face. The last time I stood here, Newt thinks, he kissed me. “I really did not expect to see you.”

“I didn’t expect to see you, either,” Newt admits. “From what I remember, you and your family weren’t—uh—well, very close. I didn’t think you’d be coming back to share in the holiday cheer with them, is what I mean.”

The corner of Hermann’s mouth twitches up. “That’s certainly one way of describing it. Yes, I suppose you’re right—my father is a bit of a bastard, isn’t he?” Newt laughs awkwardly, unsure whether to agree or attempt to weakly the defend a guy who openly hated him for being a bad influence on Hermann most of his childhood; he’s grateful when Hermann continues and saves him the choice. “This is the first year I’ve come home in a long while. My brother’s just had a daughter, you see, and I thought I should start getting used to playing uncle.”

“Oh, congrats,” Newt says. Hermann shrugs, and Newt has the distinct feeling that this is Hermann’s older brother, who used to dissemble Hermann’s telescope and hide the pieces around the house when Hermann annoyed him, and tattled on Newt and Hermann to Hermann’s parents the one time Newt snuck in to see Hermann after he got banned. He always made Newt thankful that he was an only child. “Same here, actually. Not the uncle thing—I mean I haven’t visited since I was in college. Too busy.”

“I know,” Hermann says, and then adds teasingly (in a way that makes color flood Newt’s cheeks and his heart beat just a little faster), “I’ve looked you up online. Er—quite a bit recently, in fact. I was curious. You’ve made quite the name for yourself, haven’t you, Dr. Geiszler?”

“I,” Newt squeaks, and then coughs. “I mean, I guess? I like…science.”

“I oughtn’t be surprised,” Hermann says. “You were always giving me bugs, and salamanders, and funny little frogs—”

Newt liked bugs, and salamanders, and frogs, but he liked Hermann more, and the gifts had a lot more to do with the latter than the former, because what kid wouldn’t want bugs or salamanders or frogs, right? Not that Hermann ever appreciated them—especially not the worms Newt would pluck from the sidewalks after rainstorms. He thinks he got grounded for that one, too, because his grandma wouldn’t believe that he really wasn’t trying to terrorize the poor Gottlieb boy. “And what about you?” Newt says. He pokes his elbow into Hermann’s side. “Dr. Gottlieb? Guess those model rockets paid off.”

(“No, Newton,” Hermann would snap at him on the rare occasions he would allow Newt to watch him piece one together, “the glue hasn’t dried yet. You have to be patient, or else it’ll fall apart.”)

“Not yet,” Hermann says, “but I hope soon.”

Hermann smiles at him. A snowflake catches in his eyelashes—his long, pretty, dark eyelashes. “Do you remember when you kissed me here?” Newt blurts out.

“It’s hardly the sort of thing I’d forget,” Hermann says. He reaches out and tucks a piece of Newt’s hair up into his hat. “I like your tattoos—I saw the photographs on your social media accounts. They suit you.” Newt wonders if this means Hermann saw the shirtless selfie he posted on Instagram. “I’m also pleased to see you’ve gotten your braces removed. It wasn’t a very pleasant experience last time.”

Then he leans in and kisses Newt. Again, technically. It’s so light and brief Newt hardly believes it even happened. Their glasses clack together, and when Hermann pulls away, he straightens out Newt’s.

“I confess,” Hermann says, “that I’m wholly pleased to see how you’ve turned out. I hope that wasn’t too forward of me. I’ve been thinking about doing it all night.”

“Jeez, dude,” Newt says, blinking at him, his head swimming just a little. Hermann looks smug. “Not, uh, not too forward. So. Uh. You wanna get dinner or something this week and catch up?”

Hermann snorts, and nods.

Here's a bit of a mixed bad. A: 1. What would Rodan think of Griffin’s suggestion of “Rodan’s Flying Circus”? 2. Considering you said earlier that floodifying happens when flesh is pierced and since Ni shish kabobed Monster X… you see where I’m going with this? 3. Does Viv essentially have three birthdays now? ItFoS: 1. What will Serizawa think of Viv’s encounter with Rodan? 2.Will Rodan eventually find Rick’s stash?

Ohohoho!

Abraxas

1. In keeping with his opinion of pilots in their jets being essentially “Aww! They think they’re baby Rodans!” the idea of a “Rodan’s Flying Circus” just sounds so adorably quaint to him. Of course, birds like corvids are so smart they shun cheaters and if a human helps one of them the whole murder considers that human a friend, so if the pilots figure out how to butter up Big Bird, and of course paint their jets red to match him, it might just activate his inner hen and he’ll warm up to the idea of having his own squadron.

Not that he’ll admit they’re his humans now, of course. Wouldn’t want to damage his reputation, would he? ;P

2. So, reading this question I panicked for a second because I completely forgot about that rule... and then relaxed upon remembering a certain particularly terrifying bit of Flood lore (and the Flood are already frickin’ terrifying): The Flood can choose to not infect a lifeform. This is something that has brought characters in the Halo universe to think a cure might be developed, but there’s no coming back from the Flood.

This also neatly ties in with Ghidorah’s *ahem* intentions towards Vivienne. Sure, Ni could just as easily turn his wrist-spike into a proboscis and inject a piece of Many biomass into Monster X’s center of mass and wait for something to pop out chestburster-style, but that would be too easy, too predictable. Too... gentle. At some point she’d become too mentally broken by everything that’s happened for it to be fun anymore, and of ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS I’ve done to poor Vivi, the very last thing I would do is turn her into a daemonculaba. Do not look that up if you want to sleep or eat tonight.

3. Huh... I guess she does. Of course one of those she doesn’t like to think about, but the other she shares with San due to him not really having a birthday, and she wants him to have a special happy day to celebrate. 

In the Footsteps of Shamhat

1. At first Vivienne’s going to play it off as just her being really assertive and stubborn with Rodan because it’d be like a dad asking if his daughter if she’s getting, well, frisky with that loudmouth jock over there, and it’s just embarrassing. Serizawa isn’t sure he buys it, and it doesn’t help that Rodan’s being a cheeky little bushtit making remarks about how “hands-on” his encounter with Vivienne was, and it’s not until he checks out the CCTV footage when Vivi knows the jig is up. Serizawa sees the kabedon and it takes a while for him to pick his jaw back up.

Vivienne can’t look Serizawa in the eye for a bit and by the time they’re kinda comfortable enough to acknowledge it Serizawa admits he’s impressed that she’s still able to walk. Vivi takes her turn to be cheeky and says Rodan’s been helpful with improving her cardio regimen.

2. If he does, there are to be at least five officers on his person at all times armed with fire extinguishers in the event he opens his mouth to say something and inevitably breathes a 20-foot cone of fire.

More Newborn Deadlight headcanons/Premie Deadlights etc...

Ready for more of Livy’s terrible grammar and incoherent headcanons? No? Well too bad, you clicked on this now shut up and enjoy and maybe comment and heart this please 🙏❤️

For some reason I have this idea of a Newborn IT being very intelligent and self aware. Just the idea of a newborn being self aware and already done with everyone’s shit while not even being an hour old is just hilarious to me. But that’s too—-too OP? Too...I dunno, I don’t want IT to be too aware I guess.

I do want to have it where newbornwise definitely feels and shows emotions like confusion. If it’s born premature or not on its own will it will look so confused! I mean, can you blame it? Your floating in a warm dark liquid, waiting to develop until BOOM! Suddenly someone takes you out of your warm sac and it’s bright and there are giant figures poking you and holding you and removing your cord, you have no idea who these people are, why they insist on TOUCH YOU, there’s a random bitch bleeding out on a cot, don’t know who the hell she is, I wonder if I can go back in that warm place, I really wanna go back in—-god damnit, their sewing my original home up. Well, guess I’m stuck here... I’m born! Yaaaaay.....

So normally you would be advised to NOT force a deadlight to be born early unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.... Why? Well like I said, you probably wouldn’t be too happy if someone forced you out of your developing sac before your ready, and Deadlights are no different. Only this newborn has supernatural powers and will grow up to eat everyone in sight! So you do NOT want to piss them off. You don’t wanna piss off a grown up Deadlight, and you also don’t wanna piss off a newborn Deadlight. That means no inducing labor for the sake of having a certain zodiac placement, no inducing for a certain birthday, no 👏🏻 inducing 👏🏻 for ulterior 👏🏻 motives 👏🏻

Deadlights are pretty much gods, evil selfish terrifying gods that destroy but according to Midworld they are considered gods. You wouldn’t induce Mary so you can have Jesus early or induce a random woman early just so you can see the birth of a demon, would you? You better not! You are not a god here motherfucker!

Point is, no forcefully inducing to birth a deadlight.....

UNLESS———

there are a couple reasons where you would have to force a C section to get a healthy Deadlight newborn.

Some desperate mothers of Deadlights that will stop at nothing to stop this creature from being born might try to starve themselves so the fetus doesn’t get any food, this will cause the fetus to resort to drastic measures and TEAR ITS UMBILICAL CORD OUT so it can eat it. Then it realizes——“wait, I just ate my source of nutrition.....Now what am I going to eat?......well fu—-“ (cue emergency C section)

Other reason for emergency c section would be if the mother kills herself, as without a body to help it thrive and develop, the fetus will wither and die. I mean—-corpses can’t give birth obviously, duh!

Only problem is the chance that you would get there to save the fetus in time is very slim unless you were already with the mother. Usually the fetus dies pretty fast if the mother passes.

If the mother is too young to push out the baby then emergency c section might also need to be performed (that or the baby can just pull a Ridley Scott’s Alien chestburster scene, which they can totally do, and yes it is just as horrifying as it is in the movie.)

Whatever the reason though, the newborn is still going to be unhappy. But at least you had a good reason to force it out instead of meer selfishness. A premie Deadlight will be VERY confused once they are born, they are like a tiny bloody glowing drunk person just waking up, all dizzy and loopy and still slowly getting in touch with reality, waiting for the room to stop spinning and the bright colors to go away. They have absolutely zero idea what the hell is happening, where they are, who these people are that insist on TOUCH THEM (they have a god complex, so touching them without consent is extremely offensive to them. Just think how Jesus would feel if a random human just came up to him and started repeatedly poking him)

There’s a lady bleeding out on that bed that may or may not be my mother, it’s bright, I can feel things, I have limbs, I’m cold, naked, I don’t like this, why am I here? Can I please go back home? I may naturally glow but that doesn’t mean I enjoy a giant ceiling lamp blinding my sensitive eyes, I very much would like to go back in that dark liquid, please put me back, WHY AM I ALIVE? What the fuck are lungs? What are limbs? What is life? WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

That, that’s a premie Deadlight in a nutshell.....

Depending how far along they are in developing their form when they got RUDELY interrupted and torn out of their comfy home! They might be incomplete and being outside the uterus will take them longer to adjust and try to develop the rest of their form. If they are close enough to already completing their form they can finish eventually later after they are born. If they aren’t that close however they will have to live with their incomplete true form for the rest of their life!

Although most people won’t ever know that they were born with an incomplete original form. Since they can still Shapeshift they can just fake a true form or just morph endlessly as a attempt to seem like a normal Shapeshifting Deadlight. Most they are insecure so they use shapeshifting as a way to hide their incompleteness. Although honestly even if someone did find out the true it’s probably best if you don’t taunt them or call them out about them not being perfect cause they WILL kill you.

Don’t fuck with Deadlights...doesn’t matter the age, just don’t fuck with them in general....

It’s not worth it......

Writober 2020 - 23 (Virgin)

Summary: Surprisingly, being the first human Spectre has done nothing for Al’s sex life. Really, it’s just another data point in the trend of the universe wanting him celibate. What a dick.

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Google search: Turian-human physical positioning during intercourse, how-to guide

Google search: How to know if you're allergic to turian sperm

Google search: Ways to improve flexibility fo-

“Uh, I can read over your shoulder loco. The fuck?”

Alistair's face turned scarlet as he quickly exited out of google. He had thought he had been alone... but apparently he had left his door open. Not only that, from the looks of things he had forgotten he had invited James up at one point. James hadn't, of course – the man was right there, looking at him as if he had two heads.

Fuck.

He ran a hand over his undercut, frowning. “Just uh... needed some advice from Dr. Google. It's a little too weird asking Chakwas or... anyone about this.”

James' eyebrow was cocked towards heaven as he took a seat. “No judgment, but why do you need it? Haven't you and Scars been doing it for a while now?”

The heat was really leaking off his face then, to the point it was a miracle his amp didn't start melting right then and there. There was really no good way out of this, and the truth was.... usually not pleasant when it came to Marines. It was why he kept his mouth shut on the matter.

“Not... exactly.”

At least he didn't laugh. “Well, can't be too different from doing it with a human, right? I mean, the angles and all... do their dicks really just pop out like a chestburster or something?”

Well, that was a picture Alistair didn't need in his head, thank you very much. At least his horror at the suggestion drowned out some of the endless embarrassment that was channeling through his burning face. Good old chestbursters, they always came through in the end.

“I... wouldn't really know about that, Vega, but I guess?”

Then he turned away to avoid the fallout. Here, things never ended well. It wasn't like he was embarrassed about it, more like he hated how people reacted when they found out. It was never a pleasant time, to say the least, especially in the military.

“Uh... Shepard are you telling me-”

Alistair felt his face explode with heat once more. “Yeah, I'm a virgin. Go ahead and get it out of your system already.”

James didn't laugh, much to his surprise. He didn't really do much of anything. Really, he just looked confused as he parsed the information. In some way, that was a relief to the Spectre as his shoulders relaxed ever so slightly.

He might just live through this one.

“Huh... didn't expect that, loco. Figured with being the first Spectre and all you'd be pretty busy bed wise.”

Yeah, he wouldn't be the only one who thought that. It had been a while since Alistair had threatened any tabloid journalists, but sometimes he still saw stories about his torrid affairs on the extranet. Joker liked to send him the really bad ones, mostly so he could fry their system with a – totally legit and not in any way illicit – virus after reading it. People liked to think he was fucking every dude he could set his eyes on. Hell, he wouldn't be surprised if the man in front of him wound up in one of those stories eventually.

Hopefully he'd be on the top if that happened. People always got that wrong.

Alistair chuckled despite himself. “I think the universe has it out for me in that department.”

“What, you think the galaxy's cockblocking you, loco?”

Uh... yeah. Actually, fuck yeah. That was a total fuck yeah, now that he sat back to tally his stat sheet up.

“Well, yeah.”

Before he could say more, the door slid open again. This time, Bo walked through with a cracked datapad in hand. The screen was blinking a message, and it was sparking as she held it out at arm's length. Once again, she had beaten technology.

And he would need to fix it.

“They need to reinforce these damn things.” She nodded to James. “Vega, mind telling me why he's as red as a tomato?”

James backed up ever so slightly – smart man. “Nothing, just loco was telling me his galactic cock block theory on his love life.”

Did he have to put it like that? Did he really need to put it in those exact words? Alistair suppressed a groan as he took the datapad from Bo and started grabbing for his tools. At least he could keep his hands busy during this.

Bo sat down on his bed to wait. “Well, there was that guy in our unit on Akuze. You thought he was cute.”

“And he got eaten by a thresher maw.” Alistair grimaced as he backed away from a spark. “What the hell did you do to this, throw it against the wall?”

It was going to take forever to replace these parts, if he could find something for the cracked screen with how things were going. He was half ready to just find an old datapad to hand over to her, but he thought better. This one, at least, he had reinforced a few times when he had repaired it in the past. It was the closest thing there was to Bo proof on the Normandy.

James was more focused on their previous conversation than tech specs. “Ok, so that's one.”

His comment was amplified by Bo ticking off her fingers. “There was also that guy in basic who wound up dying.”

“He doesn't count, it was just his ass.” Alistair felt his face heat up as he continued to work. “We all know what happened to Nihlus Kryik-”

Bo finished for him. “Saren shot him in the back like a douchebag. I had hopes for you two, he seemed into you.”

Yeah, he'd had hope too. It had died the same minute Nihlus hadn't come back to the Normandy. Not that he'd had long to dwell on it, what with the whole touching the beacon, becoming a Spectre, getting the Normandy thing. Maybe that was why he was in therapy...

Next to him, James was still counting. “Ok, so that's three. Maybe it's just the line of work we're in.”

That caused Alistair to chuckle weakly as he unscrewed a portion of the datapad housing. “Should I mention the boy I crushed on in my freshman year of high school that got killed by batarian raiders?”

“He was a douchebag, you could do better-”

“You were in grade school, how would you have known?”

He shook his head – that was an argument that was never going to see an end. He let it go in favor for reaching into his endless supply of spare parts. There was probably something in there to fix the cracked parts he was looking at. If not, he was pretty good at retrofitting.

As he worked, Bo kept counting. “Besides the douchebag, didn't you have that guy from community college who got in that car accident?”

“I forgot I told you about him...” Alistair frowned. “I guess that makes... five?”

James whistled at the number. “Ok, maybe the universe does have it out for you. But some guys have had to survive, right?”

Bo shot him a look that caused his cheeks to get even hotter. Alistair didn't answer in favor of ducking his head to keep working. They were getting into the most awkward part of his crushes now, the one he regretted the most. If he could have forgotten the whole thing, he would have been a better man for it.

Why hadn't Cerberus gotten rid of that memory?

“Well, Alenko's in the hospital right now.” Bo shrugged. “But you said you got over him as soon as you outranked him. Something-something fraternization?”

Yes. Something-something fraternization was exactly the reason why he still cringed thinking about it. Besides, you know, the whole thing on Horizon he was still using to beat himself over the head with almost a year later. If he regretted any crush, it was the one he'd had on Kaidan. If there had been any mutual feelings between them, they were long gone now and that was exactly how he liked it.

This sudden revelation caused their third party to snicker. “Alenko? Loco, you had a thing for him?”

“I'm going to blame the stress on that one.”

“Too bad about the fraternization thing, you could've made a real cute couple.”

Bo was snickering now too in Alistair's personal hell. All he could do was blush and keep his eyes on the screen in front of him. At least that was coming along nicely. Unlike his life, he could probably fix this.

Then again, just like his life it was probably going to get broken again. Maybe he should reinforce the damn thing with concrete... or would that make it too heavy? Eh, Bo was strong. She could probably lift it no problem.

“But yes, that's the state of my love life.” He frowned, reaching for a part. “At least with Garrus I know it's a mutual thing.”

His sister and CO was still snickering. “Al, he got half his face blown off the first time you met up after he died.”

“Sounds like he proves the trend the universe doesn't want you getting laid.” James laughed hard. “Guess it thinks you being sexually frustrated is going to save our asses.”

All he could do was resist the urge to smack his head on the table. With data like that, how could he argue with it? Somewhere, the universe just didn't want him being in a relationship. Maybe his ability to save it hinged on his virginity, like some weird spell or something.

Well, hopefully it had other plans because he was riding that turian into the sunset the first chance he got.

“I don't appreciate its line of thought.” He screwed the housing back onto the datapad. Though the screen still was cracked, it lit up just fine and displayed the data Bo had been looking at just before she'd broken it. “There we go, it's mostly back to normal. Once we swing past the Citadel I can get a part for the replacement screen. The last planet really cleaned me out on my parts.”

She took it back, nodding. “I'm just going to crack it again, might as well leave it for the aesthetic.”

Bo was soon heading for the door. “Don't give him any sex tips, Vega. Google's probably given him plenty already.”

He regretted ever fixing her damn datapad as the door slid shut behind her. At least James didn't laugh at that. He was petty good at reading a room. Alistair was grateful for that as he started to put his tools back into the box.

Then, of course, he remembered why the man was there in the first place.

“Oh, shit, you wanted to talk to me about N7.”

That time, James laughed. “Threw you off your game, huh, loco?”

Yeah, he'd accept that one. But he pushed that to the back of his mind as he shifted to what they needed to discuss. At least this he had some expertise in, unlike the subject of his google inquiry. Now he was back in his comfort zone.

Later, though? Straight back to google. No way he was asking Chakwas anything, not after the shit he had been through.

Aliens Hunger Games: Episode 2

So we left off with a cliffhanger last time:

Oh boy, are we in for a bloodbath! Prepare yourselves...

HK-47: “Statement: Oh I am quite ready, Master. I am most eager to witness some unadulterated violence take place before me.”

Really HK?

Please ignore him, and now, on to the action!

Looks like quite a few people were able to escape SirKills’ wrath. That’s good.

HK-47: “Exclamation: Boo! It seems this chitinous acid-filled meatbag also needs to be educated in assassination theory!”

Not now HK!

Ouch! That’s quite a few fatalities! RIP Ripley. Sorry @rangerslayer-97​, looks like the destroyer has been destroyed. :(

Great, now I have to deal with SirHugs dancing in celebration and... wait! Why do I hear a ghostly Sith voice?

Ghostly Palpatine voice: “Ironic.”

-_-

And RIP to Apone as well. @sirloozelite​ looks like you’ve lost your first champion as well.

And goodbye to two more marines: Drake and Dietrich. At least Drake’s death was quick. Poor Dietrich. Getting facehugged and chestbursted is not a fun experience.

And two more bite the dust, this time from Alien3. Why am I not surprised that David did it though? At least the psychotic inmate Golic is dead. He’s the one to blame for the Dragon escaping in Alien3.

Interesting that the AQ would try to kill SirKills. Is this Alien: Genocide with a civil war between xenomorphs?

Sorry Ricardo and Brett, looks like y’all are both dead.

Brett: “Right.”

Damnit Spunkmeyer! I told you you should have killed Burke when you had the chance last episode! Ah well... two more champions are dead. Sorry @sirloozelite​ and @rangerslayer-97​. :(

There goes the Ripley clan. At least neither has to live knowing the other is dead.

Come on SirKills! You have to kill Bishop as well? That guy was cool! Damn @sirloozelite​, that’s the third of your champions that has been killed in this chaos. Sorry buddy.

Strange though, xenomorphs usually ignore androids. I guess it’s the fact that Bishop attacked SirKills that the xenomorph decided to kill him.

And with the death of another inmate from Alien3, it looks like SirKills is now satisfied with his killing spree and has gone back to his hive.

Let’s look at the status board, shall we?

Well @sirloozelite​ and @rangerslayer-97​, looks like you two only have two champions left. @eru-kat​ somehow still has four left alive.

Side note: there was a glitch in the system when I ran this season. David, the AQ, and Burke should all have 2 kills, not one. Also, I swear this is set to low death rate, but you know how weird this simulator can get.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go calm down the Game Master, who is wildly celebrating the fact that Ripley, the Destroyer of his kind, is dead.

Until next time!

Topic of Conversation

The setup: I have ehler-danlos syndrome. My primary care physician (PCP) is the one that finally agreed to have the test run, after my seeing like 6 or 7 other doctors that just totally dismissed the idea. I love her. She's fabulous. Would recommend to at least most people. She's also gotten used to me over the past 3-ish years. She's told me in the past that she knows it's going to be an "interesting day" when she sees my name on the patient list. Everything from "my foot folded in half" to "I need you to help slice my toe open to fix this particular thing" to "I touched my leg and the skin split" to the latest one - "I woke up and my thumb was dislocated". All while having conversations that range from "we're going fishing tomorrow" to "haunted museum tours, you should totally bring your kid!" to "no no no... If you're still pregnant on Halloween, you should TOTALLY do the chestburster!" and a little bit of everything in between. So yesterday I go see her because... well, my thumb dislocated in my sleep. Like 2 weeks ago.  It hasn't been quite right since. It keeps subluxating (not quite dislocated, but not quite in the right spot), my grip strength is nonexistent, and it's becoming a problem. While there, I show her a ring brace that I think may help and ask her opinion. (Also about some supplements made specifically for people with conditions like mine, and she’s all gung-ho about my being a guinea pig for this particular one. Will update after they come in, and after taking them for a while.)

“I don’t know. I think it may help? But they’re also really expensive, and I don’t want you to have to spend that much without knowing more. Would you mind going and getting some x-rays? Maybe seeing a sports medicine specialist at the building I used to work in?”

me: “Sure! I would actually feel a little better getting a third* opinion on this, and having the images might help. It doesn’t feel like there’s bone chips or anything but still...”

Dr B: “OK. Let me print out a referral for you. And I’ll get the order for the blood test, so after you’ve taken those supplements for about a month, go ahead and get the bloodwork done. I want to see what happens there.”

me: “Yeah, great. That’s totally doable. And if anything happens with those, I’ll let you know and discontinue use.”

A little later yesterday, I get a phone call from her assistant. “Dr B told Dr D about you over lunch, and he said to go ahead and get just an over the counter soft brace for now. He’ll confirm when he sees you.”

Which... great. Now I know these two are friendly. Cool cool cool.

I call this morning to see if Dr D has openings for some point within the next couple of weeks. “Yeah, we’ve got an opening in about a half an hour. Can you be here?”

“Sure! I’m on the way home from work and haven’t passed that turn yet. Let’s go ahead and do it.”

Now, some important information here: I met Dr B while she was at the teaching hospital. I followed her from her observation, through where she was doing the observations, and into the new building where she works now. Dr D is currently at the teaching hospital, where he is doing the observation of upper level students who are working through their rounds and getting practice before being sent out into the world.

So I get there, go through the weight/height/blood pressure thing again, and go sit in a room. Student doctor comes and does an exam. She’s really taken aback by the whole “Yeah, Dr B had no idea either. But she was the first person to take me seriously. Mostly because she admitted that she had heard about ehlers-danlos but had never seen it, so she looked it up on the internet and essentially ran down the checklist while I listed off symptoms. Immediately ordered the test. Which, really? Just a simple blood draw? That could have been done years ago!” thing. Then we get to laughing about it.

SD: “Can you do that thing where you touch the ground, but with your hands flat? I can’t even touch my toes.” She demonstrates.

I laugh. “Yep!” Stand up, smack my hands flat on the floor and keep walking them back until my shoulders are behind my knees. “Want me to keep going?”

At this point she’s laughing, too. “What else can you do?”

“Touch my nose with my toes. Put one arm up and one arm down and grab my wrists behind my back. Before I had kids, I could bend backwards and put my heels on my chest. From behind. But I can’t do that anymore.”

Student doctor leaves. I can hear muffled conversation through the wall adjoining the exam room to Dr D’s office. Student doctor comes in. Dr D comes in, with a really amused look on his face. Introductions are made, he repeats the exam, checking a couple of things that student doctor didn’t know to check. He’s explaining why as he’s doing the exam. I’m nodding along, because this is familiar territory to me, thanks to previous work experience.

Dr D is doing the “Does it hurt here? Here? Here? What about if I do this?” thing while poking at the thumb and wiggling it around.

me: “No, not there. Pain receptors don’t quite fire correctly because of the EDS. The pain is specifically here, here, and here,” said while I put a finger on the spots.

Dr D: “Oh yeah. I forgot about that.” He leans back against the counter. “Honestly, you’re the first person I’ve ever actually seen with EDS. So a lot of my knowledge is more theoretical. What did you do that might have caused this with your thumb?”

me: “Slept?”

They both blink at me a few times. It takes a minute. 

Dr D: “No, no. I guess that makes sense. With your condition and all.”

me: “Yep. It just kinda happens. Now I know you talked to Dr B yesterday and approved a soft brace, but I want to show you something and get your opinion. Because I research everything. It’s what I do.” 

I pull out my phone and show him this:

“I’m more worried about the lateral movement than the hyperextension, since the hyperextension is something that’s happened ever since I can remember and has never been a problem.”

Dr D: “Oh yeah, that will do everything I would hope for. Probably a little more. That looks better than anything I would have been able to recommend.”

me: “Perfect! I’ll see about ordering one, then. I was reluctant because of the price.” I stare at it for a minute. “Or maybe I’ll see about getting some sturdy wire and just making it my own damned self.”

Dr D: “I’m still going to send you for x-rays. I don’t think there’s anything there, but it’s a safety precaution in case of bone chips.”

me: “Yeah, Dr B and I talked about it yesterday, but I thought it would be a good idea to see you first. I don’t think there’s anything in there, but...”

Dr D: “You know we’re having lunch with Dr B today, right?”

me: “Yeah, I kind of figured. She fan-freakin-tabulous. Just don’t tell her I said so.”

Dr D laughs at me. “Yeah, we’re best friends. It may just slip. That happens sometimes. You already know we’ve talked about you, since her office called you yesterday.”

me: “More power to ya. Hell, if you want to talk about me to more people, let me know. Especially if there’s a new doctor you want to freak out a little bit. I’m an interesting case, and will absolutely tell them when they’re wrong.”

Dr D: “Oh. We are definitely going to be having a talk over lunch today...”

*third opinion, as she is confident that I have stupid amounts of self awareness, and actually know if something isn’t right before test results would show anything, so her confirmation counts as a second opinion when it’s just the two of us in the room

Why The Alien Queen Is The Best Space Villain Ever

While James Cameron’s Aliens is a classic of the sci-fi/horror genre, I do feel a small plot summary is warranted in order to make my case of why the Alien Queen far outshines any sci-fi villain before or since. 

So we begin the story with the discovery of Ellen Ripley, former flight officer of the Nostromo, a space ship that she blew up in her first movie to prevent a dangerous extraterrestrial carnivore/parasite called a xenomorph from getting anywhere close to Earth. Discovered 57 years after the fact (she put herself in stasis on an escape pod), Ripley is almost immediately thrust into corporate and emotional hell by double-whammy of both discovering her daughter had died while she was in stasis and having her flight officer license revoked by the Weyland-Yutani Corporation, who she used to work for. This is, of course, in addition to the trauma that she sustained at the maw of the xenomorph from the first film, and now besides being thrust into a situation where she has to scramble for a job she’s massively overqualified for and that pays dust, she has constant nightmares. So basically, Ripley has had her entire life ripped apart and ruined by the actions of the Weyland-Utani corporation and the xenomorphs, and all this in addition to her learning that the planet where her deceased crew first discovered the xenomorph is now home to a terraforming colony of 158 people. Yet soon after Ripley’s rough reintroduction to the living world, the colony goes completely quiet, with xenomorph-related activity being indicated as a possible cause. And guess who’s called in to help with that mess? But even with her xenomorph-related trauma and absolute distrust of the Weyland-Yutani Corporation, Ripley agrees to go with a bunch of space marines to investigate with the understanding that they’re going to destroy the beasties and not even attempt to study them. 

Anyway, Ripley and a gaggle of space marines head down to the terraforming colony, and discover sure signs that there has been a xenomorph attack. Besides that, all the colonists have disappeared. They also discover a single survivor, a traumatized little girl nicknamed Newt. And THEN they discover that all the colonists were brought into a nuclear-powered atmosphere processing station by the xenomorphs, where they were subsequently forced to play tonsil-hokey with the first step of a xenomorph’s life process, a  facehugger, which infects its host with a parasite called a chestburster (the name is quite literal), which then turns into an all-grown-up xenomorph. Terrifying process, and just as painful as it sounds! and And just when you’ve discovered THAT bit of info, the xenomorphs go on full attack, making quick work of quite a few of the marines. And THEN it’s discovered that this all came about because one of Weyland-Yutani’s sleazy money-makers, a prick named Carter Burke, directed a couple of colonists to the spot Ripley said the xenomorph eggs encountered in the first movie were, and all because he wanted to profit from the xenomorphs’ potential use as biological weapons. Why did he do this? Because the desire for obscene amounts of possible cash makes you both evil and stupid.  

So the space marines and Ripley and Newt fight and struggle on, losing more and more members. The xenomorphs are RELENTLESS, neither taking nor giving quarter, completely determined, like a pack of overgrown ants, to end their foes/prey no matter what. Eventually, Newt herself gets snatched by one of the xenomorphs, and after arming herself with a flame thrower/machine gun combo literally held together with duct tape, Ripley goes to the rescue! And then, once Ripley has FINALLY found Newt, managing to save her just in time from a facehugger, you have The Reveal of our main nemesis:

And there she is. The source of all the horror (well, her and the Weyland-Yutani corporation), the one whose monstrous progeny have been hunting our heroes and threatening them with an extremely painful demise, and who, at this point in the film, have successfully merked almost everyone.

And how could you not love her/be terrified of her? I mean, just look at her! It’s rare to see a lady monster in fiction that actually looks like a monster (instead of a human woman with a tail and blue skin or smthn), but it’s even rarer, even now, to find one that is this vicious on every level. The movie has spent its runtime building up to this, and boy does it deliver. So here she finally is, living her best life, laying all those eggs, getting all those humans (the men, the women, the children...) infected with her chestbursters--and the movie does NOT censor how painful a death that is--and best of all, besides looking cool as all get-out, she’s not making a SINGLE excuse for all the death and destruction that she’s caused. As the android Ash said in Alien (the film before the one that features our queen), the xenomorph species of which our queen is a member are “unclouded....by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality.” But having none herself, the Alien Queen expects none from her foes. The Alien Queen is presented as nothing but what she is, i.e. a voracious monster who wiped out an entire colony of human beings and condemned them all to a horrifying death. Not only does she not feel sorry for this in the least, not only does she make a grand effort to catch and destroy a human child in the climax, not only does she rip one of the characters in half in an incredibly graphic scene, not only does she try her damndest to kill Ripley in what can only be considered one of the most iconic sci-fi fights out there, but she does this all without a shred of remorse or a smidgen of painfully hollow pleading for her foes to understand where she’s coming from. 

None of this “wah we wah I feel slightly conflicted about being incredibly evil so now you should feel sorry for me even though I’m literally complicit in multi-planetary genocide”! 

None of that “A bloo bloo bloo Lisa I’m being torn apart by the fact that I destroyed half of all life in the universe (plants and animals included!) because I refuse to acknowledge that the reasons for environmental destruction might be more complicated than “population too big!’”   

Time after time after time, we see villains like the two twerps above act like somehow they’re soooooo complex and tragic for committing all the atrocities that they do, and in between murdering way more people than the Alien Queen ever did, they spend way too much of their time blaming everyone and everything around them for the pain and suffering that is a direct result of their own actions. So these dweebs do have higher body counts than our Queen. But does that make them better villains? NO. I’m fully aware that I can’t speak for everyone, but personally I’d have a LOT more respect for them if they could just pull their heads out of their asses, acknowledge all the harm they’ve done, and either stop doing it and make reparations (don’t think that’s very possible after that level of destruction, tho!) or continue with their villainous ways in full understanding and acknowledgement of what they’re doing, no excuses, no attempts to justify the unjustifiable, just like the Alien Queen. Some might say that this is only because the Alien Queen, being a space parasite, doesn’t have the cognitive capacity to argue that she’s some sort of twagic figure for all of her murdering. 

But you know what? GOOD. I’d rather have a space parasite that knows what it’s about then some jerk flipping through mental hoops like a pro gymnast in an attempt to find some shallow reason for why he’s not completely reprehensible. 

And THAT, in my opinion, is why the Alien Queen is the best sci-fi villain ever. So to wrap it all up, the moral of this shitpost is: If you’re going to be a violently destructive space monster driven by nothing but your sense of superiority and selfish desires, at least have the decency to not pretend otherwise.  

is there anything to be said about the parallels batween the jacks and vriska (sword through the chest, missing and eye and an arm, vris and slick dying on the same page, etc) or is that just paradox space being paradox space

There is definitely something to be said, though I don’t know what it is. It’s also pertinent that Vriska shares motifs with Snowman, namely the 8 Ball and BLUH BLUH HUGE BITCH. Since the Intermission takes place in Felt Manor, the events within ought to function as a depiction of the mind of Lord English – so understanding the roles of Slick and Snowman in whatever psychological story is going on there would probably be helpful in understanding both Vriska and Lord English. But I was never able to manage that, so, alas.

I do have ONE thing to say, but first I have to talk about the Terminator films. There was something Sarah Conner said to a Skynet engineer in T2:

“Fucking men like you built the hydrogen bomb. Men like you thought it up. You think you’re so creative. You don’t know what it’s like to really create something; to create a life; to feel it growing inside you. All you know how to create is death and destruction…”

This line later comes to haunt her son, John Conner, as he faces down Skynet in Terminator: Salvation. As a soldier, John deals primarily in death and destruction against machines, but when he is forced to recognize that a machine could nonetheless be a person, his position is complicated. During the climactic battle, John is forced to bring his ostensible enemy from the brink of death, jump-starting his heart with a handy pair of electrical wires. At this moment that John forgoes his feud, that he takes Frankenstein’s lightning in hand and creates life, Arnold Schwarzenegger comes out of nowhere and stabs him in the back with an iron girder, which erupts from his chest like a fucking Xenomorph.

So the moment John Conner chooses life over death is supplemented with a violent Hollywood shorthand for birth: chest-burster.

Since face-huggers and chest-bursters are the main components of Fiduspawn, I’m inclined to think Hussie is familiar with this particular subset of psychosexual symbols. So with the above reading in mind, Terezi’s sword sticking out of Vriska’s chest is possibly much funnier than it has any right to be – like within the paradigm for death we’ve established (that the circumstances of a character’s death bear some relation to a latent wish), Vriska getting a visual chest-burster can be linked to her getting her head and arm blown apart by the magic cue ball (since both of those motifs represent birth). Also relevant that Vriska refers to these sort of deaths as getting “sucker sta88ed”, when we’ve recently connected the Auryn within the cherub’s juju to the prenatal unity of mother and child? (x) Getting “sucker sta88ed” is thus linked to the ouroboric cancer symbol (69), cancer being yet another cipher for pregnancy.

All of which is to say, in this context at least, is that chest-burster stabs seem to add more evidence to what we’ve know for a while: that death is eroticized (x).

Revisiting John’s own sucker stabbing has given me a tentative idea for how to integrate Jack into the psychosexual proceedings: recall when Mom and Dad shared a cake as the image of John drilling filled the surrounding clouds, and as the sexual tension tightened, Bec Noir arrived and dealt out murder as the simultaneous severance and culmination of their union? I wonder if that makes Jack the baby. Or to shoehorn in an Oedipal trifecta again, I wonder if Jack’s rank being that immediately below King and Queen positions him as the Child to Father and Mother, in the abstract.

To issue a small correction to the model of King and Queen put forward in the Dirk/Roxy post (x): the King is still associated with pregnancy. But the Queen is not primarily linked to impregnation, but isolated ejaculation, which /is/ freedom, which /is/ birth, as elaborated in recent discussion of the cherubs. (x) This is the WV/PM contrast between democracy and liberty, that which ties people together (Blood) versus that which separates them from each other (Breath) – and thus pregnancy versus birth.

Insofar as Lord English comes to displace the Black King in Act 6, Spades Slick breaking into his vault is another exercise in Putting the Bunny Back in the Box? A motif perhaps subtly reiterated by Slick climbing into his own warchest, or various moments of the Midnight Crew forcing the Felt inside of their respective boxes, or Biscuits climbing into his oven… But weirdly, even though Snowman is kind of acting as the law (broken head upon turning back time, castrated arm upon entering forbidden vault), and even though those motifs of separation are linked to birth (x), she’s also the one who traps him in the vault? Which reads more as insemination I guess, with ‘freedom’ immediately resulting in ‘confinement’, and Jack is babby. 

Which makes it sounds like the fantasy permeating the mind of Lord English is not particularly fantastical? Like a rote pregnancy. Though I suppose this doesn’t account for the way becoming a symbolic fetus also made Jack a ‘god’, insofar as he now has access to the fourth wall…? Hm

Insofar as Jack and the Queen form a Child/Mother pairing then, Vriska having elements of both could align with her chestburster death? But this still leaves a lot unexplained, like when Vriska climbs into the symbolic maw of Lord English and “dumps” the symbol of her reality out of a chest after plucking it from the flaming red X in English’s bowels…? I think we’re hitting a stopping point, but this was good progress. Thank you for the question!

Trauma Center: Second Opinion: HEART GLASS

[Content warning for surgery and stuff! And also for suicide, a topic that this game handles miserably, so be prepared for that. Actually, let's also add a content warning for verbal abuse towards a suicidal person, just to be safe.]

Circe here! Time to fix more organs! We open with episode 1-6. Angie is really worried about this patient, because his blood tests are off, but Derek just blows off her concerns. This surgey is pretty straightforward, we're treating inflammation and removing tumors, but Derek is continually ignoring Angie pointing out that something more seems wrong. Our protagonist has gone from a newbie doctor to a bigshot episode in the space of six scenes. Amazing. Well, after we finish up the surgery, Derek hurries off to some doctor event thing, but it turns out that the patient had more inside bad stuff that blew up, so he almost died. Whoopsy. We don't actually operate on this patient again, instead Derek basically gets fired for negligence. Angie says that any suspicion, no matter how tiny or inconsequential, should be taken seriously, which is an absolutely ridiculous thing to say, because there were actually quite ample reasons to think something was wrong.

Have I mentioned that this game's writing is...uh...a little strange? The characters react to every surgery basically as if they were operating on someone they know, and while it's admirable to care about people that passionately, this just isn't realistic, because that kind of attitude isn't sustainable when you're treating life or death situations every day. I dunno if this is typical for medical dramas, but I find it a bit jarring. At the very least, though, I guess comments like this help us understand the driving philosophy of the game's narrative.

Anyway, Derek is moping outside, when he hears about a car accident. It seems that one of the victims is being taken into emergency care, and Derek knows that there aren't enough doctors, so he rushes in and is, like, emergency un-fired, I guess. Was he really fired, or did they just yell at him a lot? I dunno, this game's fuzzy about that. But who cares because this guy's got HEART GLASS! That's right, when we cut the guy open, we find that his heart has been pretty much pincushioned with glass shards, which I'm pretty sure would mean he'd just be dead. To make things worse, as soon as we remove all the glass, another huge piece just, chestbursters out of his heart, which

I mean

I'm *pretty* sure that'd kill him.

Just when we think we've got this guy all patched up, another laceration appears on his heart, for reasons that aren't even really clear this time. In a moment of panic, Derek fixes it with magic.

...what? You heard me. This is the point at which we're introduced to the Healing Touch, a rare magic power possessed by only a handful of surgeons that allows them to go into bullet time to do surgery super fast and save people from dying. Have I mentioned that this series is a bit weird?

Anyway, no time for that now. This is the remake, remember, and bit that I'm pretty sure is new to this version is a side story featuring another surgeon named Nozomi Weaver. We don't learn much about Dr. Weaver except that she's a master Japanese surgeon who's currently practicing in America, and also she's shaaaady. In this surgery, our patient's arm bones are shattered, so we do the logical thing and collect all the pieces, jigsaw them back together, and smear some antibiotic gel all over it so it heals real good. Uh, I didn't mention this, but there's a line of dialogue early on about this gel being a cure-all, and I guess they weren't fucking kidding, were they. This surgery also introduced an unfortunate complication to my clever emulated control scheme. To put the bones back together, you have to rotate the Wii remote, something I hadn't really bothered to configure. I had to concede the need to use an analog stick here for precision, so I ended up with the controller sitting in my lap so I could operate the stick and the mouse at the same time. It was, uh, a little less than elegant, but it was the best I could do. I kinda hope they don't require any more of the Wii remote's features in future surgeries.

Back to Derek. Next up, we gotta fix these little blobs that are traveling through a guy's spleen, and every time they go through it hurts him. We're doing pretty good until there's a lot of them going really fast, so Derek once again draws on the power of magic to fix it all in time. Word of Derek's dark magic reaches the hospital director guy, and he explains that Derek has a rare magic power, and that having such great healing power is a heavy burden to bear, so he should give up on it or he'll never be happy. Derek ignores him though, like any good protagonist, so we learn how to activate Healing Touch manually by drawing the shape of a pentagram in the air.

Nope. Not kidding.

Derek explains this away as him concentrating on a simple shape to increase his focus, but also fuck you, you're invoking dark magic with a pentagram. I fucking own it when I use dark magic, Derek, and you should do the same. I should also note, invoking the Healing Touch involves holding B and Z and drawing at the same time, which is a manuever that was definitely kind of a pain to configure so I could carry it out comfortably. Oh yeah, I forgot, we also learned how to use defibrillators earlier! That requires you to use B and Z at the same time also. Gotta be real careful about zapping a guy's heart and stuff.

Aaaanyway. The next patient's got lumps on his organs that keep bursting, so we gotta cut the lumps out and stitch his veins back together. This surgery actually kinda sucks, and I lost several times before I got it, because it takes a massive chunk out of the patient's vitals when his stuff bursts, and they will, no matter how quickly you work. Near the end, there's four of them at once, and you gotta use the Healing Touch to not lose. Unfortunately, this leads to Derek passing out for three days. Whoopsy again. When Derek comes to, veteran doctor guy tells Derek that dark magic places a lot of strain on the body and he really shouldn't overdo it, because if he passed out in a surgery that would be, uh, pretty bad. I gotta side with veteran guy here. Pulling a spirit muscle is *way* worse than pulling a physical one.

So then we get to Linda. Let me tell you about Linda, and how Angie becomes the worst character in the game for all time. So, Linda is a 17 year old girl who comes in with lacerations on her lungs. Which sounds pretty bad. This is a fairly basic surgery, although we also learn that we need to close very large lacerations with the forceps before we can stitch them closed. Where things really go bad is after the surgery. It turns out that Linda was suicidal, and didn't really want to be fixed at all. So Angie does the logical thing, and yells in her face that clearly the surgery was a waste and Linda should just die if that's how she feels about it.

so

uh

hm

So yeah, Angie is total scum. Let's move on and see how it gets worse. After that shameful display, Derek tries to help Linda by giving her a little pep talk, which I don't think would actually help, but hey, the guy's heart is in the right place I guess. Later, we learn a bit more about Linda's home life, and there's some stuff that kinda sucks, but, in Angie's words, 'nothing worth dying over'.

as you can see angie understands suicidal ideation very well

Later we learn that extremely high levels of some kind of antihistamine was in Linda's body, and it's not even on the market yet, nor is there any evidence she was taking it, so her body was just kind of, creating it somehow. Apparently this huge drug overdose caused a mood swing that led to her feeling suicidal, which means

w h i c h m e a n s

which means Linda was feeling suicidal because she was sick. Angie screamed in a sick person's face that she should die because she was sick. Angie should be fucking fired, quite possibly even sued for some kind of negligence, I don't know. She certainly shouldn't be allowed back into the plot as though she just got a little upset and said some things she didn't mean. Angie even has the gall to later whisper ominously about a rumored 'death doctor' who euthanizes patients, and how it's good that Linda was treated by Derek instead of that guy. As if Angie herself wasn't literally saying Linda should be dead fucking yesterday. Fuck.

Okay, deep breaths. I'm getting ahead of things a little. While the plot is getting horrible, the surgeries are getting *amazing*. After all this, Linda suddenly starts complaining of excruciating chest pains, so we gotta treat her again. After we fix up more lacerations, we find out the reason why Linda's body has been all weird and messed up: tiny monsters in her lung! Yes, that's right. We use the ultrasound to detect a tiny winged creature moving around inside Linda's lung, and it's creating more lacerations, so we have to cut the sucker out and laser it to death. A few more of these things crop up, and we take them out one by one, until all of Linda's lung monsters are taken care of.

This is GUILT, the game's made up...disease...monster...thing. It's a little hard to be sure what they are, because the game talks about GUILT as though it's a disease, but they appear to be, like, parasites or something. Maybe it's a visual metaphor? For...something? Well anyway, Linda's all better. Veteran doctor guy whispers in hushed tones about GUILT, and says that nobody outside of this room should talk about what we saw.

So, with that major development, I think this is a good cutting off point for now. I wanna focus on the fun parts, and not as much on how Angie is a detestable human being, so let's review: HEART GLASS, jigsaw bones, and lung monsters. This game is only going to get more absurd from here, and as far as I remember, there is 100% less of characters being absolutely monstrous to teenage girls, so I hope you're looking forward to it.

May 14 Dancitron Movie Night - Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Prowl was warned ahead of time by Soundwave that there was going to be constant organic shadowplay in this movie. And after the fight against Unicron was immediately followed by a wave of movie nights with mind control, bugs crawling into heads, forced gestalt minds, needles in heads... Prowl decided he didn’t feel up to more makeshift exposure therapy tonight.

So he didn’t show up.

ItsyBitsySpyers *Soundwave quickly finishes nibbling his piece of the gummi dancing chestburster's tail and slams his visor down. Time for movie night - and a seat.* Specs ((bless)) Smokescreen This message has been removed. This message has been removed. ItsyBitsySpyers ((i'm gonna start at 8:25 so if y'all want snacks or whatever, get them)) Prowl *arrives* Specs ((awright)) ItsyBitsySpyers *Soundwave pings Prowl hello.*

[[Good evening.]] Prowl *pings back*

Hello, Soundwave. Specs *here comes a dragon! she looks exhausted, but she's brought the energon goodies as always.* Hello, Soundwave! ItsyBitsySpyers *She's to be greeted with cushions, bugs - this time, Buzzsaw tried to fancy them up a bit by cutting off bits of random plants as a garnish, based on what he saw on Earth cooking shows - and Soundwave's feelers helping her move the goodies to the counter.* Specs *bless this Soundwave. what a friend.* Oh! Thank you, Soundwave, Buzzsaw. Thank you! *she doesn't even get a full dragonloaf this time, it's more like a dragonbaguette* ItsyBitsySpyers ((*does the skeletor NYEH and laughs into her hands*)) [[Quite welcome. Still experiencing the aligned planets...?]] *She looks as tired as him.* Specs No, thankfully. Concursion only lasts a week. A bonded triad got lost out in one of the less-inhabited areas. Part of my job, as it were, is to make sure search parties passing through my area get fed and rested, so it was a busy week. At least they were found before they starved. ItsyBitsySpyers [[Do you require search assistance?]] ((wb)) Smokescreen Tonight's a Star War trek night, right sounds? //asbncv thanks ItsyBitsySpyers [[It is.]] ItsyBitsySpyers ((well, looks like a quiet night tonight. we're gonna get rolling)) Specs *the dragon blinks. she wasn't expecting to hear THAT!* Not this time, but... *pauses to lick her paw and smooth out the fur around her face* But if your offer stands for the next time, it would be appreciated. Smokescreen /He's going to go ahead and take his usual spot! He brought a few snacks to share- or just eat, himself/ ItsyBitsySpyers *Ah. Preserving her dignity, felinoid style? Or just dirty?*

[[He can allow it to stand.]] ((SHIT WAIT i forgot warnings uh where' smy file)) ((WARNINGS: Often nonconsensual invasive telepathy, passing ableist comment, Bones being species-ist, "nudity", flashing lights, birthing scene, shaky camera, monotheistic focus. Not to mention that the movie is just plain BAD. Badly written, badly filmed, badly edited. Hands down the worst of all six original Trek films. I'm so sorry for making you all sit through it.)) Specs *Yes.* You have my thanks, Soundwave. *she is really grateful! just also very tired and not making the words go.* ItsyBitsySpyers *Soundwave sends Prowl the name of the film and where to find the audio description file* *He still hasn't figured out what her alternate did.* Prowl *notices something off about the energy signatures in the room* My alternate isn't here tonight? ItsyBitsySpyers [[No. Not yet.]] *And that's probably for the best.* Omicron *Ice Queen pokes her head in, late, looking around* Me ((can we assume he was warned ahead of time? since that would be the reason for him not to show.)) ItsyBitsySpyers ((we can)) Smokescreen ... Huh, he isn't? I didn't look that way yet. Me ((o7)) ItsyBitsySpyers [[He's not. Police work doesn't always obey the hours we set for ourselves.]] Smokescreen Yeah- yeah, that's fair. Still, sucks to have to work when he usually gets to relax, right? But I guess every Cybertron's been pretty busy! ItsyBitsySpyers [[Naturally. And... yes. Yes, some of them have.]] Omicron ...? *the big predacon carefully sits in the bakc.... sneaks a lick on smokey as she passes* ItsyBitsySpyers *Without so much as fidgeting, let alone turning to look:* [[Greetings.]] Prowl Ah, all right then. Thank you for the audio description, Soundwave. *frowns* Smokescreen I don't know if mine's busier, or if I'm just taking on way too much work. Omicron hello Specs *the smol fluff chirps at the sound of Icy Claws, but doesn't get up- she's TIRED.* Omicron ....? *looks for the chirper? where is the fluffy?* Me ((i appreciate that they feel the need to specify "Yosemite National Park, Planet Earth." It implies that the audience might not necessarily know what planet Yosemite is on. Good immersion there.)) Specs *the fluffy is on all these nice cushions Soundwave has brought out for her. she is a cozy fluff.* Omicron *Ice Queen eyes the spot, debating if there's room to rest her head by the tiny friend* ItsyBitsySpyers [[Perhaps you could tell him what you have been up to, and then he would know whether you're doing too much.]] *Soundwave tilts his head to one side.* [[...Should he not have provided that?]] *Why is she frowning?* ((and agreed on the immersion point)) Specs ((bones is perfect)) *the fluffy dragon can move, or be moved, if Icy needs. she's just tired.* Omicron ((he is, human ratchet but not--PFFFFFTTT)) ItsyBitsySpyers ((when we get to the campfire scene remind me to tell you all a thing)) Specs ((Are they actually playing pool in a wet pool table)) ItsyBitsySpyers ((they are)) Omicron *watch big dragon steath herself over to rest her big head by fluffy dragon. broken horn makes it easier to sit by the cushions* Prowl Hm? Oh, no, no, you should have. That is... I appreciate that you did, but the Captain has been sharing his visual feeds with me. I'd been enjoying the opportunity. ItsyBitsySpyers [[Oh. Do... Should he provide one?]] *Pause.* [["Captain"?]] Smokescreen ... What exactly WAS that noise and how'd they make it Prowl The belch? Smokescreen Yeah, that I heard 'em before, but how exactly are they made? Prowl Are you able to? I didn't think to ask. Specs *the dragon gives Icy a sleepy lick on the horn. there. it is clean.* ItsyBitsySpyers [[...You ARE in HIS home.]] Omicron gas, not unlike how we, some predacons can produce fireballs Prowl A Klingon explained it to me as gas coming up from the tank, er, stomach. Smokescreen Gas? ... Wait, do their stomachs just make gas somehow? Like- is it some kinda weird food conversion thing? Prowl Yes, your home. Which is precisely why I didn't ask. To my knowledge, Soundwave, you don't trust me. ItsyBitsySpyers [[He doesn't.]] *Blunt, isn't he?* [[But you are a guest. And he is a host.]] Prowl I don't know that much about Klingon anatomy. ItsyBitsySpyers *Ping. She can have a feed from one of the overhead cameras... which he'll be removing from access to any greater part of the network, and later, completely digging out.* Prowl *appreciates the honesty* *pings a thank you* Me ((those dorks)) Specs ((DORKS)) Smokescreen These are advanced beans Prowl ((yesss best scene ItsyBitsySpyers [[Ah. The musical fruit. He has heard of this plant as an instrument.]] Smokescreen I wanna go camping like this ... wait this plant's an instrument? Also wait... Wait sounds I have a vegetable band to show you later ItsyBitsySpyers [[Apparently. Dried, they can be put in a hollow object and shaken.]] Prowl A simple but effective instrument. Smokescreen That sounds pretty fun- humans are pretty creative! Me ((wow way to make it dark kirk)) Omicron ((on phone, Icy's dosing <.<) ItsyBitsySpyers (( ;n; )) ((kk) Smokescreen Oh! I figured out energon marshmallows recently- they're not bad! But you can't toast 'em ItsyBitsySpyers ((SO FUN FACT in the novelization they expand on this "marsh melon" mistake of spock's and bones jokingly goes on and on about how his family member had a whole farm of marsh melons)) Me ((omg)) Specs ((HAHAHAHA)) Smokescreen ((pfpfff ItsyBitsySpyers [[He should say not. How many explosions did you go through to figure that out?]] Prowl Marsh melons. Smokescreen None! I'm not that dumb. ... Maybe once. ItsyBitsySpyers *Tiny trembling.* Smokescreen Life is but a dream sounds kinda poetic! Prowl *huffs in amusement at Spock* ItsyBitsySpyers [[...Is the satellite screaming.]] Prowl ...I think it did. ItsyBitsySpyers [[Life is more often a nightmare, if you ask him.]] Prowl Indeed. ItsyBitsySpyers *At least as of late.* Smokescreen ... Really Sounds? Are you okay? ItsyBitsySpyers [[Oh, yes. Quite fine, thank you. Merely thinking about the war.]] *Lies, lies, everywhere lies.* Smokescreen ... Is it about the Unicron thing? Blaster -wanders in, looking a bit tired- ItsyBitsySpyers [[The destruction of the Hall of Records.]] Smokescreen Oh. Oh yeah- I can agree with you on that. Blaster -sits in empty seat, and waves at Soundwave- ItsyBitsySpyers *Soundwave bobs his helm.* [[Good evening.]] [[Now is not the time for such jokes, doctor.]] Blaster Hello,...what did I miss? ItsyBitsySpyers [[A revolutionary Vulcan has seized control of a small outpost, captured three ambassadors, and demanded a Federation starship for unknown reasons.]] Smokescreen ... Maybe if it helps, Sounds, there were a lot of things we recovered from the Hall of Records in my universe. Maybe there's a few other things that survived in yours? ItsyBitsySpyers [[Hm?]] *Oh, right. His fib.* [[Yes. We've been recovering some... ancient files.]] Blaster Oh. Okay. -understands only half of what was said- Smokescreen Really? What kinda stuff? Did you find the covenant or something? Or maybe something else? I guess I shouldn't be surprised that that stuff upset you, too. ItsyBitsySpyers [[He hasn't found the covenant. You need not fly into a panic about whether or not he's worthy of possessing it.]] *Yet.* Smokescreen ... Why would I be panicked about that? You probably are worthy of it. ItsyBitsySpyers [[...Pardon. He must reset his audio receptors.]] *Because he didn't just hear that.* [[Say again?]] Smokescreen I mean, using the past to make the future better? I bet you'd do that, and I bet you'd try to record everything going on in there- you have a lot of data you could add that isn't in there, too. I would figure that'd be the kind of thing Alpha Trion would want. You'd probably never let it go if you got a hold of it, right? Specs ((HAH)) ItsyBitsySpyers *Amused huff at the screen.* Prowl Clever. ((this talk of the covenant reminds me, you owe me on our thread, smokey, didn't he bring the covenant to show prowl? Smokescreen //AAAA yeah lemme find that thread asdxc Prowl ((it was right before the unicron plot took off, no worries <3 ItsyBitsySpyers [[...He wouldn't want to, no. But if - er. Certain parties, demanded he let it go, he would - consider the circumstances. Otherwise, no. He would guard it like little else.]] *Basically if Primus strode up to him and said "burn it" he would have a crisis but probably obey. Otherwise? Nah.* Smokescreen And you're a strong bot, you'd be able to protect it pretty well! I'm pretty sure if Alpha Trion talked to you, like, at all, he would've put you in his will. You think you'll ever find your covenant? ItsyBitsySpyers [[...Why are you flattering him. What is it you need.]] Smokescreen ... I mean, I'm glad you kept Unicron from destroying my home, but that's honestly how I feel. ItsyBitsySpyers *Now outright staring at Smokescreen instead of the movie screen.* [[He does not understand.]] Prowl *would be staring herself if she could, this seems... strange* Smokescreen ... What's so hard to understand, exactly? You probably know practically everything about Cybertron where the Covenant cuts off. You'd be a great fit for writing down modern Cybertronian history, I bet. ItsyBitsySpyers *Something's wrong. This isn't Smokescreen. Or he's somehow lapsed into recharge mid-movie and this is an exhaustion dream. They had a whole argument about how he wasn't worthy. And Smokescreen's been hiding his copy from him for months. None of this is right.* Smokescreen ((wait they did ItsyBitsySpyers ((some while back iirc)) Smokescreen ((i remember sounds and primus but ItsyBitsySpyers ((smokescreen started it i think)) Smokescreen ((adsxvcbn he would ItsyBitsySpyers [[...He does know a great deal.]] *But not as much as some relics sitting here listening to the movies.* [[But he doubts that alone makes him worthy. If it did, he would have it.]] [[Or know where to look. And he does not.]] Smokescreen I mean, just 'cause you find it doesn't mean you're worthy, and vice versa. Is there any rubble in Iacon? Maybe it's hidden around there. ItsyBitsySpyers *If a sharp buzz could be a nasty laugh...* [[Iacon is still MOSTLY rubble.]] Smokescreen Well! There's lots of places where it could be, then. And I'll bet it'll pop up when it's needed most. That's how it works most of the time. ItsyBitsySpyers [[Then, as he said, it isn't time, as it hasn't popped up.]] Smokescreen Has anyone been around the area recently? It's not gonna pop up if no one goes there. ItsyBitsySpyers [[He often goes to the Hall of Records to inspect their new findings and recoveries.]] [[...They ARE in the brig.]] Smokescreen Huh. Maybe you pissed off Alpha Trion or something. He wasn't big on Megatron, maybe he thought you were in league with him and would alway be. Prowl It's likely unneeded at this point. We are managing quite well without the need for relics. ItsyBitsySpyers *(Barely) refrains from asking why she's still there, then.* Prowl *rude* Smokescreen ... Fair enough. But with the covenant and Sounds, he could teach an AWESOME history course. ItsyBitsySpyers [[He'll teach nothing. He's dead.]] Smokescreen I'm talking about you Prowl *huffs* Blaster -has probably fallen asleep where he's sitting- Prowl Why Soundwave? Smokescreen ... /He's putting a small cube of energon on top of Blaster./ Blaster -no movement- Smokescreen 'Cause he's old and was awake for most of the war- and has a pretty good memory! Specs *the dragon, too, is out like a light.* Prowl He is not the only Cybertronian alive during the war. Smokescreen ... /Putting another cube on blaster./ Omicron *Icy stirs, yawning wide* ItsyBitsySpyers ((there are some great editing errors here. watch the deck number progression in a little bit)) Blaster -still hasn't moved- Smokescreen But- Sounds, do you have a lot of the war recorded? Omicron ((I see a blaster, hiii!)) ItsyBitsySpyers [[He does.]] Smokescreen Exactly! Blaster ((hiiiii Prowl As do I. Smokescreen ... Do you wanna teach history, Prowl? Shocky *Shockwave enters, somewhat distracted looking and quickly takes a seat* Prowl Not at the moment. Smokescreen !! /Waving at Shockwave!/ Omicron ((and hi to others! don't mind icy sprawled on the ground. the predacon can be a good couch at least)) ItsyBitsySpyers *Soundwave bobs his head at Shockwave* Smokescreen Well- I figure Soundwave might be more interested. Shocky *He nods back in acknowledgement, giving a slight wave to Smokescreen back* Omicron *The predacon humms, head resting inner optics covers over.* Prowl Do you want to be a teacher, Soundwave? ItsyBitsySpyers [[He has some interest in educating others.]] *Not necessarily as a teacher, but...* Specs *the dragon makes a sleepy purr-chirp, getting Real Long and resting her tail on Icy* Shocky ((I won't be here for long, just saying hi really)) ItsyBitsySpyers ((the pop-in is appreciated!)) Smokescreen Yeah! I bet Sounds would be pretty awesome at teaching other bots. He's helped me with math before. Prowl Has he? Smokescreen Yeah! He sent me a bunch of documents, since I kinda missed out because of... You know. The war and stuff. Omicron *has a fluffy tail on her muzzle, happy predacon* Prowl But what about before the war? Surely you were educated during the Golden Age. Smokescreen I really didn't get that much math education. And my processor, uh- it kinda has trouble with this one part of math in particular. Prowl What part? ItsyBitsySpyers *This seems so familiar. It's a very, VERY good thing "the Captain" isn't here, yes. Yes, indeed.* Smokescreen ... Do we gotta talk about it out loud like this? Prowl Not at all. Smokescreen @Prowl: ::I can't do decimals or percentages or slag like that at all- I can't process 'em without having to write it out.:: Shocky *he has just now zoned in to the conversation* Nothing to be concerned over. Mathematics has been an age long struggle to many Smokescreen But I want to be able to get it! It's- wait are they showing THAT Prowl @Smokescreen: [[Ah. And Soundwave helped?]] ItsyBitsySpyers *Alarmed.* [[Is the spawn injured? It bleeds.]] Shocky A normal thing for organic emergence. Specs *sleepily* Blood keeps the babies alive, in eggs. There's always a little extra afterwards. Smokescreen @Prowl: ::Yeah! He gave me some documents so I could figure out how to do it manually. I still can't do it like- like how some other Cybertronians do, but I can do it, and that's a big step.:: ... Eggs? Shocky I do not believe they are formed in eggs Smokescreen Wait do humans lay eggs ItsyBitsySpyers *Not quite believing it, but if anyone knows, it's an organic - and a scientist who's probably pulled uncountable numbers of them apart* Shocky humans emerge live, or so extensive amount of evidence points towards Omicron eggs? Specs Dragons lay eggs. I dunno if humans do. Smokescreen Okay- but why do some organics lay eggs? Do vulcans lay eggs? Shocky apparently not Prowl There were no eggs in the flashback. Omicron I lay eggs? *puzzled waking up* Specs *the other dragon has fallen back asleep* Prowl I thought you were a Predacon? Shocky Such carelessness for their crew... But the pursuit of knowledge is admirable Omicron I am, but I can produce what are 'eggs' with the sparklings, hatchlings inside *Icy slowly stretches from the nap. curling her tail and flexing claws, might nudge some chairs sorry* Blaster -annnnnd wakes up to this- What just- -down go the cubes when he moves- ........... Prowl *startles at the clatter of the cubes falling* Smokescreen ... PFPffff ItsyBitsySpyers *Soundwave has a long, long vent. He had hoped that mess wouldn't happen. He wanted to go right to berth afterward, not mop...* Shocky *sharply looks at the source of the noise* Blaster ....how did those get there? Smokescreen I don't know! That's just what happens sometimes ItsyBitsySpyers *He wonders what it's like for other species, not knowing where their gods are located, if they actually exist.* Omicron *looks over, loosing the fluffy tail and curls her neck around to peer at mess?* Blaster I want to argue with that, but I'm just waking up. Smokescreen You need any help getting that cleaned up? Shocky I will extend my help to clean also. Prowl How can all organics have one god between them? They're not that alike are they? ItsyBitsySpyers [[They are not.]] Blaster I...think I might ItsyBitsySpyers [[He appreciates the cleaning work.]] Prowl *oh good, Prowl was going to volunteer Smokescreen clean it up, glad he volunteered himself* Smokescreen Well, yeah. I'd feel kinda bad leaving you to do it. Plus, it's free energon! ItsyBitsySpyers *...He still can't go recharge while they're there, but at least he won't have to put in the effort.* [[...Do NOT lick his floor.]] Smokescreen ... Oh. ItsyBitsySpyers [[If you are in need of refueling, there are PLENTY of refreshments atop the bar.]] Smokescreen Well, yeah, but someone else will drink that energon for sure. Prowl Don't lick the floor. Smokescreen There aren't that many bots brave enough to lick freshly spilled energon! And I'm just the type! Blaster Smokescreen No. Shocky ((I gotta go since i'm using phone data, but for this instance let us say shockwave stayed to help clean and make sure smokescreen didn't lick the floor)) Blaster ((kaaaay ItsyBitsySpyers ((gotcha! thank you for coming for what you could!)) Smokescreen ((pfff see you later! Blaster ((see you later! Smokescreen ... Where do you keep your towels, Sounds? Shocky ((Bye <3 )) Prowl Smokescreen, that's disgusting. You don't know what's on that floor. ItsyBitsySpyers [[Just behind the bar.]] Smokescreen Energon's on that floor. Prowl Besides the energon. *unimpressed frown* Blaster Smokescreen don't lick the floor ItsyBitsySpyers [[Ravage dragged a rusting titanium moose across that spot not six hours ago.]] [[Do you really want to lick it.]] Smokescreen ... Blaster ...oh...uh...can I get a towel too? Prowl Eugh. Smokescreen /He's just going ahead and getting the towels, and is starting to soak up the energon./ Blaster I have a feeling it got on Blaster too)) Omicron *shifts and her turn to screach, movies to bonk Smokey, and curl her tail around him to pull away from mess?* ItsyBitsySpyers [[Oh, don't "eugh". He was retrieving it for the hospital. They wanted to make sure it doesn't have plague of some sort.]] Prowl *don't tell Prowl you thought it had a plague, she will freak out, even if the floor was cleaned* ItsyBitsySpyers *Snaps back to the screen. Hold on. They found something?* Blaster !!!! Omicron ...???????? Prowl ...so there was someone there after all. Smokescreen /He's starting to put the towels on Blaster, as well!/ Blaster Uh...hi Smokey Smokescreen Hey Blaster! ItsyBitsySpyers [[A very good question.]] Prowl Why would their god--yes, thank you, Kirk. Omicron .......does that stink of something Bad Blaster Thanks for the towels? Prowl Yes you do. Omicron ...?! ItsyBitsySpyers *Suddenly uneasy shifting. Just an itty bitty bit.* Prowl It is a perfectly valid question. ItsyBitsySpyers *...HEY you know what needs doing? Putting away the snacks early.* Me ((i mean. not knowing who kirk is and shooting lasers around doesn't prove he ISN'T a god. he might not fit a given theology but that doesn't make him not a god.)) ItsyBitsySpyers *He'll just stand and do that.* Omicron *growls at screen, trying to not to lash tail in current spot* Me ((sometimes gods are not omniscient and are dicks. they're valid too.)) Prowl This is not a being that should be freed from his prison. ItsyBitsySpyers ((this is basically a remnant of the fact that originally shatner wanted a story where they thought they found god but found the devil - there was a LOT of executive meddling with this movie)) ((tbh this isn't the first god they've met anyway. they met apollo once)) [[No. He should be destroyed.]] Prowl ((i'm honestly ok with it being just a very powerful horrible being and not literally the christian devil Omicron ((*nods*) Blaster .......wow, okay, no Me ((oh i certainly wouldn't want it to be literally the christian devil. or literally any other human-made theological entity.)) ItsyBitsySpyers ((i am too, i'm just reciting fact)) Me ((i'm just saying. rude of them to assume it's not a god just because it doesn't have the same traits THEY expect out of a god.)) ItsyBitsySpyers ((this being got written more about in a novel later and i find that content far more interesting)) Omicron *looks over at blaster again, chirps a question, does he need help cleaning up?* Blaster -grabs a towel and starts cleaning himself off, ignoring the screen now- Prowl ((ah yes, true, after all, loki is just an ice wizard that fucked a horse Me ((HE SURE DID FUCK A HORSE.)) ItsyBitsySpyers [[All of this and now they are under attack.]] *It's like being interrupted by his alternate, the universe curse his existence.* [[It still lives?]] Prowl Not for long. ItsyBitsySpyers [[Good.]] [[They must leave. Now.]] Omicron pfffttt though yes, they should leave before that parasite reforms ......? ItsyBitsySpyers ((ARE YOU SERIOUS)) [[Pardon. It is occasionally difficult to maintain a signal this far from Earth.]] Blaster -only now glances over at the dragon- Yes? Omicron *glances over* need help? Blaster ...I don't think so? Did I miss any? Smokescreen /Once one towel is soaked, he's picking it up, and is wringing it over his mouth to try to get a bit of the floor energon./ Omicron (( I love this part) *Icy tries to smack that towl away!* *with tail!* ItsyBitsySpyers ((time marker: 10:30)) Smokescreen Hey- come on! Blaster Smokescreen! Tarantulas (( *applause, and a wave goodbye, sorry i wasn't here ic, heh* ItsyBitsySpyers ((np! take care <3)) Tarantulas (( <3 Smokescreen //<3 ItsyBitsySpyers *Anyway, here's Wonderwall.* Omicron No sparkling! Smokescreen I'm not a sparkling, come on Omicron (have a good night!) Prowl Smokescreen, that's disgusting. ItsyBitsySpyers *Soundwave is glad the business with hunting the god is over.*

[[Even the twins have better manners.]] Smokescreen waitwaitwait sounds can you put up wndrwll Omicron Yes you are, *Icy gets up and starts to twist around, lifting wings and tail up so not to knock someone one way to smokescreen* ItsyBitsySpyers [[He can.]] *But you know what he's doing? Not that.* Smokescreen I'm as old as Soundwave! And there's nothing wrong with trying not to waste energon. Omicron *snorts at that, still coming over* Prowl You're much older than that. Soundwave is only 25 million give or take, yes? *tilts her helm toward him* Smokescreen ... I'm like, 21 million. I think Prowl ... Blaster -he;s keeping the towels used on himself in his servo- When it's probably got things in it from the floor, yes there is Smokescreen ... I don't really know, I was in stasis for a while. I've eaten organic stuff, I'll be fine. Prowl ...are the differences between universe so extreme that you and my Smokescreen are completely different ages? Smokescreen Wait- is your version of me way older? Prowl He's my age, yes. Smokescreen ... And how old are you? Omicron ((Icy really wants to grab smokey and bring him outside to groom him you know, or move him away from mess)) Blaster You've eaten organic stuff. ItsyBitsySpyers [[You don't want to know that.]] Smokescreen Only once or twice! Blaster And how did that turn out for you? Smokescreen Not great! But I'm still here. Blaster I'm younger than you and I know better Prowl *huffs* Smokescreen ... And a loooong time ago, I had a run-in with Unicron and that was REALLY not fun. Omicron *predacon looom over Smokey* Smokescreen It was a dare. And it was still worth it. ..... /He's starting to pick up the soaking towels and back away./ Where should I put these, Sounds? ItsyBitsySpyers [[There is a bin for wet material near where the cleaning supplies were.]] Blaster -will take his towels over there as well- Smokescreen /Smokescreen's going over and dropping the wet rags, before grabbing a few more cleaning supplies to clean the floor!/ Blaster A dare to eat organic things? Smokescreen /He's trying to avoid getting groomed by a predacon again./ Smokescreen ... Yeah? Blaster You do know you don't have to do everything people dare you to do, right? Smokescreen I know I don't HAVE to, but I need them to think I can do anything. Prowl *Prowl isn't sure she wants to say her age lest someone freak out again like the last time. That was really uncomfortable* Blaster No. You don't. Smokescreen ((oh yeahhhh i need to ask my boss to buy this game for our stuff aszcxvb Omicron *Icy is not far from Smokey, at least she's not stalking* If you have a propper conversion tank you can eat organic things ItsyBitsySpyers ((I NEED THIS GAME SO BAD)) Smokescreen //IT LOOKS LIKE FUN! Blaster ((it does! Smokescreen I don't want bots thinking less of me 'cause I won't do a dare or something Blaster If they do then they're not the type of bot you need the rewspect of *respect Prowl *still using the visual feed, going to focus on this video* Smokescreen but I need the respect of every- anyway, it doesn't matter, 'cause I haven't done it in a while. Prowl You don't. Blaster You don't need the respect of everyone It won't happen Smokescreen ... I at least want bots to like me Prowl They won't. ItsyBitsySpyers [[Bots will think poorly of you no matter what you do. He should know.]] Blaster You can try your hardest to please everyone, and you'll only end up tired in the end Omicron It doesn't matter what you do, you can't impress everyone. You can kill yourself trying. Its best to focus on those you care about Smokescreen I mean, I know you will, Sounds, but I want other bots to like me, at least. Prowl And if someone said the only way they would like you would be if you harmed others? ItsyBitsySpyers [[He MEANS he is very, very familiar with being disliked. It does not decide what he does.]] Smokescreen ... But no one would say that Omicron or to take from things those that need? Smokescreen ... I mean, I can't do that. Prowl Megatron would say that. Blaster Daring you to eat things that shouldn't be put in your tanks counts You are hurting yourself doing that Smokescreen ... Well, I'd want to make sure those bots are okay. I don't want to hurt other bots. Prowl Harming yourself is still harming someone, Smokescreen. Omicron Prowl is right *still not far, waiting* Prowl Would you ask other people to do the things you do so you'll like them? Smokescreen What? No way. They're themselves, I'm me. I'd probably like them either way Blaster Smokey. I have a question. You might recognize it. Prowl *scowls* Blaster How long are you going to keep putting out more than you make back? Prowl So hurting yourself is fine but hurting others is not? Smokescreen Relationships aren't some kinda transaction- I'll give as much as I can if it means other bots'll be fine ... I mean, when you put it that way, it sounds bad. ItsyBitsySpyers *What madness. Of COURSE they're a transaction. It works perfectly well for him.* Blaster I'll talk to you later. I have to go home now Omicron Smokescreen, how about this. When you really need to help someone Smokey, and you Can Not, because you've hurt yourself too much to help them. What happens then? Blaster Good night Prowl *of course they are* Smokescreen Night, Blaster! It was nice seeing you! Prowl I can't do this. Good night, Soundwave. ItsyBitsySpyers [[Goodnight, Blaster. Prowl.]] *He doesn't blame them.* Omicron *Icy nods to prowl, and moves to try and grab Smokescreen with jaws, kidnapping time? please?* Smokescreen I should probably go, too. Night, Sounds. Thanks for the movie! Sorry about trying to lick the floor and stuff! Prowl Smokescreen... *she reaches out and pats him on one shoulder before getting up and leaving* Smokescreen /Aaaand he's grabbed!/ Wait- wait, come on, what's that about? ItsyBitsySpyers *Soundwave just sort of waves a hand goodbye at Smokescreen. He doesn't have the ability to argue about that tonight. It's just a goodbye instead.* Omicron *grings around the smaller bot, lifting him up, waves a wing at soundwave good night* V'Mm vaking vis. *fully intenting to sick her insectons workers on smokey to get the mech cleaned up* ItsyBitsySpyers *Nods.* [[Thank you.]] Omicron (XD thank you for the movie) ItsyBitsySpyers ((you're welcome)) Smokescreen You know you can't just take me away like that, right? /Still, he's not even fighting it right now. He's had worse!/ Omicron (want to move to tumblr smoke mun?) Smokescreen //Thank you very much! Also yeah that'd be good

okay so I wrote a “review” (really just my thoughts in a disorganized way) of Sonic Forces about a year and a half ago and never got around to posting it, but I still have it so I’m posting it now because I have opinions

Main Game

Green Hill. Again. Argh. I mean at least they tried to change it up a little by throwing sand over it but that didn't really make any sense. (sega plz)

Look, I like Chemical Plant alright (for some godforsaken reason), but it's already been in Gens and Mania. Just give us Mystic Cave Zone or Mushroom Zone or something! Hell, use both! We could have Mushroom Zone instead of Green Hill Zone!

I gotta say the goop waterfalls in Network Terminal are really flow-breaking, you just come to a dead stop if you touch them and have to stop half the time to avoid hitting them, and you can't reliably avoid them very well. You can't even boost through them!

Luminous Forest is pretty and all but uuuuuggghhhhh casino levels suck

Infinite is delightfully edgy and I thoroughly enjoyed him, but they didn't utilize him very well.

Infinite's battle themes reflect his boss battle quality!

First battle: total banger of a song, pretty good boss fight (runnin’ on a SNAKE)

Second battle: excellent song, decent boss fight (best use of his nightmare zone powers, at least in the first half)

Third battle: okay song, boring reskin of the Metal Sonic boss fight

Why did they not give us a Chaos boss fight :( lame

Also why did Infinite use Chaos 0 instead of literally any other version, all of which are stronger? Like, would Perfect Chaos use too much energy or something?? He made giant snake versions of himself just fine...

Actually, why couldn't those have been Chaos??

Metal Sonic fight was okay but way too similar to Silver's in Gens

Also why is Metal Sonic a copy?? Just use actual Metal, come on, Eggman

There was no resolution to Infinite's plot and I am disappoint

Why does Infinite just flip the Avatar around with the Phantom Ruby in Metropolis? I feel like he should be at least shooting cubes at you or something instead of just occasionally passing by to frick with your gravity in suspiciously convenient ways

If Sonic was tortured for six months why is there no indication of this? He doesn't look or act any different than usual. Even without being tortured (as in the JP script), he should at least have some ill effects from being imprisoned for half a year.

I'm okay with Knuckles being the commander of the Resistance but who thought it was a good idea to let him come up with strategies? He's mostly a traps and punching guy on that front. I realize Tails was gone and all but I feel like most of the other characters could have strategized better.

Classic Sonic does basically nothing of note and has the worst levels and gameplay. Why is he even here if they weren't going to use him properly?

Caveat: I'm mostly going off of other people's statements re: his gameplay, I suck at Classic games overall and would probably dislike his levels regardless

Why does destroying the Phantom Ruby send Classic back to his dimension? I wouldn't think the Ruby would need to actively hold him there...

First of all, I feel like Tails should have been able to fix Omega. Secondly, why did they leave him there for six months?? Thirdly, HOW DID HE GET FIXED????? (Loved that he was here, though.)

I want to see the fight between Silver and Infinite, it was probably super awesome

Okay, so I can kind of excuse the giant snake given the giant worms of Lost Hex, but why would it try to eat Sonic. He'd be a tiny snack. What does it even normally eat? Other giant snakes?? (Is it an illusion??)

Why are both of Classic Sonic's boss fights just bomb tennis

Why is the final boss called a Death Egg Robot? The only similarities are in the first form's head (when protracted) and its primary (shoulder) arms. The rest is tentacle snake nonsense. And the second form is a straight-up tentacle robot, and somewhat similar to the Nega-Wisp Armour. And it's not even on the Death Egg!

Final boss was really ominous though, I liked it. First, dramatic orchestral music. Then, it murders you repeatedly by barely telegraphing its attacks to a first-timer. (Stop killing the floor!!) Then you "beat" it and a chestburster tentacle robot explodes out and dumps you in null space. The actual tentacle bot fight was kind of a letdown though, it was basically just the Nega Wisp Armour from Colours instead of something new... (also I was bad at timing my laser dodges so some salt there)

How is Classic Sonic doing Homing Attacks in the Death Egg Robot's third phase? He literally can't do them yet, wtf. (I choose to believe Modern Sonic and/or the Avatar is throwing him at it :P)

The water slides in Aqua Road are neat and fun the first few times, but when you're trying to S-rank the level they are such a pain. The RNG with the Motobug bouncing is the woooooorst. (Getting unavoidably knocked into spike balls sucks.)

Also why were a) spike balls there to begin with, it's enough of a challenge not falling out, and b) the spike balls moving slower than everything else in the slides? And then slow you down to their speed if you hit them, so when your invincibility runs out you're still glued to them and die?

Avatar gameplay is really fun, but I'm not a fan of how many automatic grapple points there are. Just let me do it!! It's not hard!!!! (Plus some of them are really unnecessary)

No boss fight with fake Shadow either, but that's less disappointing than Chaos for whatever reason (maybe because he's around more?)

Gotta say though I liked a much larger portion of the music in this game than usual, it's really good

However, the music for Classic's Green Hill stage is screechy garbage.

A good chunk of the stuff conveyed with the overworld dialogue would have been better presented as actual cutscenes (esp. the ones that use sound effects :/)

There is literally an area called "City" are you freaking kidding me

Okay, so Eggman decides to drop the sun on the Resistance...but he's also there?? I assume he's like, just not included in the illusion and is just laughing at their stupid faces, but it would have been nice to have some indication of that.

Why even make Zavok copies?? He sucks and no one likes him. Also he's kind of part of a set, where are the other Zeti copies?

I realize this is a video game, but why does Infinite make such easily dodgeable cube obstacles/attacks? "Ah yes let me make some long rectangles with big gaps to go through at each end, this will never fail"

I would like to thank Sonic Team for not making Imperial Tower a timed mission, that shit was hard enough as it is

I would also like to thank Sonic Team for making Imperial Tower so easy to cheese with Hover Wispons

I really wish the Null Space level had more...Null Space. You're in it for like 30 seconds, and it's a waste of a really pretty level design. AND it's just a straight shot that's 80% Double Boost.

Why is Double Boost a thing? The Avatar is just some random civilian, they shouldn't have weird team-up super speed powers.

I love that basically all of Sonic's friends are here doing stuff again, it is glorious. (Even though they were kind of epic fails until the Avatar joined/they got Sonic back...)

However, it would have been nice to see them occasionally doing stuff in the levels (like beating up robots in the background or something), rather than just in cutscenes.

Classic Sonic doesn't get an Infinite fight. :(

Which is weird, since he's the only playable character with Phantom Ruby experience/story.

In Final Judgement, the radio chatter includes them going "so this is where Eggman built Infinite" and...there are several things wrong with that. First of all, "built"? He's organic, it would be better to say something like "created" - even putting aside that that would be more metaphorical, as Eggman didn't straight-up create Infinite the person, just his current identity (not that they have any reason to know that - but they have no reason to think he made him either). Secondly, how are they coming to this conclusion? There's no tubes or assembly machines around until the end tubes with Phantom Ruby prototypes(?) in them, and those are part of the reactor. Plus an early cutscene has Infinite in a tube in a completely different area, though it could have been contained in the same superstructure. I mean I guess you could argue that the level looks like a factory?? Thirdly, how can they even see inside? They're not there.

Episode Shadow

Why is this so goddamn short. Only three levels? Really??

Why is the last cutscene just the first one from the main game?? They should be explaining where tf Shadow's been during the main game! So lazy.

Aqua Road is like 80% waterslides whyyyyyy

Infinite is really bad at getting revenge, holy shit. He just...illusions him for a bit until he gets away?? With some cube attacks tbf but STILL...

Also this shit never comes up in the main game why exactly? (I know the answer is probably they came up with this later like FOOLS, but argh)

ALSO also why do Infinite's attacks not send Shadow into the nightmare realm like they do in the main game?

Why do they go to such lengths to hide Infinite's face if they just straight up show it in his comic??

Honestly the way Shadow treats Infinite in this feels kinda out of character. I feel like he wouldn't be quite that harsh. (Definitely in character if it was Boom!Shadow, though...)

I am disappointed that Shadow is just a Sonic reskin. Let me use Chaos Spear! >:(

Also disappointed that Shadow can only be played on Modern Sonic stages; why not also Tag stages??

Misc

Infinite's theme is hilariously edgy and I love it (could do without the rap tho)

Kinda disappointed that this game has no fancy CGI cutscenes. I always look forward to those...

I think they had way too much nostalgia-baiting in this game. Classic Sonic, four previous Sonic villains (mostly Chaos and Metal Sonic though), Death Egg Robots, Green Hill and Chemical Plant and Death Egg...it just smacks of desperation. Not sure if it's "Generations was popular let's do that again" or just general trying to get fans back, but it's silly. You expect this sort of thing for Generations bc it was an anniversary game, but this one decidedly isn't and it feels like they're grasping at straws trying to get/keep players.

Also this is a Modern Sonic game, why is 50% of the content not playing him. Why is Classic even heeeeeeere

aaaaaaa oh dear god why did i remember Sweet Pool THERE IS NOTHING SWEET HERE also no pool, but whatever

more detailed description of The Extreme Stuff below

general summary dude goes to catholic school or something, but Weird Things Start Happening and then it turns out he;s some sort of chosen one of the demons who are really aliens or whatever so he has to turn into a ‘birther’ because the aliens have two sexes that are both male but one is ‘the female male’ and yeah its just the whole seme and uke stereotype thing taken to ridiculous extremes WITH REALLY EXPLICIT GORE AND TRANS FETISHISM

examples of Awful Scenes: * dude gets an ass period (YES SERIOUSLY) and starts masturbating in the bathtub because apparantly such a thing is very erotic and not just a painful monthly inconveinience. * dude births alien meat monsters out of his ass I think that’s all I need to say, really. It’s like chestbursters but supposed to be somehow sexy because butts, instead of WAY MORE TERRIFYING BECAUSE BUTTS!

And then the relationship dynamics are really unhealthy too but I mean that’s like the least of its problems, lol it’s got this really wallbanger-y premise where there’s two love interests but one is Wrong and one is Right if you choose to romance your long time childhood friend who is nice and good, he suddenly turns yandere rapist because something something the alien hormones turn humans crazy so yeah the literal rules of the universe say that he can only ever have sex with creepy abusive christian grey esque mystery demon guy who just walked into his life and has no chemistry whatsoever except ‘for some reason when i look at him i get horny because pheromones/destined partnership/however you wanna rephrase it to sound less horrid’ And then even if you romance the ‘right’ guy its all tragedy porn and one or both of you dies because you try and rebel against the aliens, or magical yandere childhood friend man cannibalizes you out of lust The End

i had to experience this so please don’t make my mistakes unless like... you actually like horror tragedy stuff, I mean. I’m not trying to be rude to people who have these kinks, its just VERY TRAUMATIZING to experience on accident as a person who doesn’t. also this plot summary may not be 100% accurate because I quit as fast as possible at the ‘ass period’ scene and only read more about it on other blogs’s reviews to try and... well, understand what the fuck was going on? At least now I know it was aliens, I guess??? it didnt really help???

Alright! If you’re seeing this, it means I’ve officially hit the 1,000 mark and I’m doing one of those stupid follow forevers because that’s what you do I guess? So! Thank you all to everyone, I get a huge kick out of seeing numbers go up. It lets me pretend people like me a little. I dunno how to break these up but I’m surprised it only took like an hour to edit it all. 

  A bunch of Super Super Cool People: @pocaphrodite   @vietgirl @squirrelkinds @dayna-kiryu People I’ve Messaged or who have Messaged Me here at Least Once: @novice-heartbreaker​   @mcsmexyburger​   @eberronguy​   @mysteryrose1 @kurenai   @starqt​   @totokoyowai​  @tsumtsum  @maetcha  @mmmedic  @misogynistic   @aoizaizen  @rat-bf  @anxxietydog  @faline @ byakurenhiziri  @transnasa   @jiangshi  @oceanman666​  @softkid  @fclicia  @blackqueenary  @heyguysitsfii @ast-risk​   @camhasham​  0-9: @00-101   @05   @10secondsworld   @126hp   @1981polybius   @1pfrance @2-bae   @2000kids   @20andsweaty   @2hu8   @2no   @3000s   @3dsxs @4728483958928   @778mimikyu   @8-9am   @86bit   @880yen

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C-D: @cactusvpn   @camhasham   @celadriel   @centromar   @charac  @cherubunny   @chestbursters   @chestbursters   @chreubic  @churchbasements   @cityruins   @clawmachine   @clefairysoup  @clover999s @colecionador-de-historias   @conjunxs   @consolegenji   @conversation-is-cocaine   @cookierun-ovenbreak   @coolrhomulusus   @coralreefcreature  @cosmic-dictator   @cronchyroll   @cryognic   @cryptidencounter   @ctq6 @cultofchucky   @cupidmutual   @cureaphrodite   @cutestruler   @cutie-tabootie   @cutiekawa2   @cwona   @cypherblades  @daitokujis​  @darkstalkersresurrection​   @dataterminals   @datingsimm   @daybreak-towns  @de-pressivou   @deadblogxddd   @debt-riddenchef  @decodever  @deepseaz   @defeatedyou   @deltafaux   @dependentxxx  @despairinyourhand   @deungulbreaker   @devilgoth   @devils-war-zone  @dewpider   @diofictive   @diovalo   @displaypicture   @distort   @divineluck  @diyamin   @doce-kaka   @dojutsu   @dollar30   @dollfactory   @donutan @dormir   @dq8angelo   @dr3-aiko   @drawingcity   @dreamskitty  @dustpocket

E-G: @ebvardh   @ecemkayali   @elafia   @electromyography @eleqhantseal   @elevenirl   @elinciariddellcrimea   @ellsworld   @emooji​ @endiviies   @energy   @ep64   @etoilecat   @exorvixen   @fairygrass @fairywind   @fakersystem   @fakesysdef   @fancore   @fangxie @fatmothman @faun   @fe4s   @feheroez   @felicutie @findingsollace   @flutespell @fnaftse   @foxmoony   @foxmutual   @freeforall @frostcastle   @futurehalf   @gamedoll   @gaybajoran   @gayparamore​ @gemsoft   @ghostaxolotl   @ghostderes   @gigipnn   @girlicard   @gladiollus @glam-n-classy   @glowjellies   @goddammitchris   @godphobe   @gothsirens​ @grandala   @gravqty   @grovyletempurl111  @gunshhots   @gushsick @guts6   @guu

 H-J:  @hackerbf   @hajisarashi   @halloqueen   @halloweensyo   @halloweentownz  @hamiltonphobe   @hanamxru   @hannah-bee-marie   @hauntedmutual  @heavy-prada   @hellowari  @hetare-hetalia  @hierophantenthusiast  @hildaofficial   @hoaxlover   @holiestwings  @holkefolk   @horncannon  @hospitalmutual   @hospitalstay   @hpgain  @hypercam   @i-am-not-a-dora   @i-love-freedom-i-am-freedom @ianwaszelewski  @idoldate   @idontknowuarecrazy   @ihatedonlothario  @iidekus   @ikemenvampire   @ilovechiakimorisawathemost   @ilyena-rose  @ilysms   @impossiblyfuturisticlion   @inb4   @infatuates   @inkwelllhell  @inpraesentia   @ireallylovehalloween   @irlarmin   @irlsyake   @irltoes @irohino   @ironsword   @isenulf   @itsbulgariangirl   @izayakun @jadinas @jaeger-jpg   @jaibo   @jarsofbees   @jeevas   @jem4   @jigens @jiminsgoddess   @jinta   @joestarmansion   @jokerjpeg   @judeharley  @judyhopps   @junkenstien   @justarandomphotoblog

L-M: @l0vel3tter   @labyrinthine-leidenschaft   @lailah   @laiuz   @languorwine @lapiislazuli2   @lcvedrugs   @lcvemail   @legendaryskins   @lemonlime @lesbian-jacket   @lesbiansongs   @lesboleo   @lesbully   @leshbian @lijiangtower   @littlespacegirl   @lovdion   @loveboyfriend   @lovehours @lovelotteries   @lovepires   @lovmails   @lukeskywalkershusband   @lunarre @lvel10   @magicalmeds   @magicmirai   @magicravenight   @maianhs @mapaache   @marerei   @mcnamawyerz   @mediscreppy @meebelnacht  @meeedi   @melisadelarge   @meloncloud  @meltedheartthrob   @memoryfog  @meowsnotthetimeforjokes  @mercenaries @meteormash   @mienfoo   @miiyupanda   @mikemunroe  @milkangel @millionpictureblog   @mimidreams   @mindgames   @minetaphobe  @minimiwashere   @ministryofglitter   @miringadventure-time   @misao @miwasiba   @mixedboy   @mjdford​  @mochihiro  @monokoh  @montyhill  @mortafuorivivadentro   @mouthydoll @mybf   @mymelibe   @mypenicillin   @myworldmeujeito

N-O: @naariel   @naboomoharuya   @namazuos   @ndrv3   @necrofriend  @necrosexuals   @neinen   @nemesisfang   @nheidahdzc   @nier-mutual @nightmareinspector   @nixiforov   @nnyas   @nochebuenas   @nomorefratu @norwaypda   @notwinged​  @novoselik  @nursesef​  @nyawoos   @nyello    @ocekitty   @octojerks  @offhooks​   @officialtabitha  @ohsnapitzmoony  @onlyadventure-time   @oragala​  @otarlettes   @our-redamancy  @outlastrinity

P-R: @p0wercores   @pantalonesleg   @parfait-en-rose   @pastel-ponies  @pastelasian   @pastryshop   @pdaful   @peachykeen-sunday   @peachytwink @pearlcatch   @pegastym   @pekonyama2   @pen15s   @pepsibot  @phantom-wings   @phantomfists   @pheromosa   @pigeonkid   @piinterest @pillowhugs   @pinkestwings   @pinkglitterandanastacia   @pisspatrol @pittypat   @plahnt-child  @pocket-tord   @porrlm  @positively-pink  @priestress   @princessaspien   @promisedraijinto  @proxvirjosh  @ps1games @ps2games   @ps2ss   @pubgub  @punkrockclassic  @pupnareff@purrsenic   @pwurp   @pyromance  @quarkflavor  @qwertyuiop01293  @qxit@qxq   @r8n   @rabbitcast   @rabbitgutz  @rabichao   @radwimpz  @rainbowfruitpastilles   @rcyalpeach   @realsadii  @renbuns  @rhymeofsugar   @rinsbloodyknife   @rivaltrainer   @rlvis  @robinhail  @robotmomma   @rohsa   @rosakun   @rosefacada  @rosespoise  @rosey-red16   @rosezone   @rosieposeys @rosu  @rydehn  @ryoumahoshi

S: @saenyang  @safficore   @sakunya   @sali0rs   @sardonate   @saturation-ii @scarlettav   @sconesandtea100   @scpfwiki   @seatea   @securely @selvanaa00   @sempre-dele   @setsujo   @sheephorns   @shinesprite @shingans   @shiqeokageyama   @shiures   @shizu   @shores-that-cure @showsbyrock   @shslrobo   @sil3nc3d   @sippinlife   @sithphobic   @sizurp @skagboyz   @skdjfghoepsmfopswrk   @sleepytsun   @sleeqover   @snailsnart @sneer   @sodapickles   @softedwing   @softflavours   @softyama @sohryu   @solarroyal   @solevans   @spained-ankle   @sparkpluq @spazztastic-loser   @spookybraginsky   @spookyeddie   @spookysniper @spookyumbreon   @sportsy   @spowoky   @stardwn  @starfemmes  @starfucker   @starlect  @starry-eyedprincxss​   @starwand  @staryard  @stephenmerchant  @strawberrytorte   @sugamancy​ @sugarghosts  @sugarmami587   @suger-san   @suicidebaiter  @suicidemousedotavi   @suncenteredhalo   @super-spectacular-rini-things  @supermbgalaxy   @swellowrjkemdk   @syakesal  @sylveondex

T: @t-owl   @taejoonchoi   @tailesscat   @takama   @teashoppes   @teaveetime @terrrorcon   @teshoin   @tetohina   @that-random-dinosaur   @the-cosmicheart   @the-great-shadow-ash   @the-paulywog   @theawesomelepa @thebiggestfaggotintheland   @thegaynative   @theholyvirgindarline  @thelittlegiraffi   @theluckyzombiefart   @theshoujomassacre  @thinkanamelater   @thisisourendlesswar   @thuguke   @thundurus    @thyonaide   @timesquads   @tmntmutual   @tmqi   @todomatsuu   @tohaka @tordies   @totallymainstreamin   @towu   @toykis   @tqw @trainerhex   @trainersred   @transsety   @travelingdorks @triumphant   @tropicalparty   @tsumugiinuzuka   @tsunderecult @tsunu   @ttakumi   @twdrg   @twiinleaf-town   @twindrillz   @twinflowshot

U-W: @uchihamutual   @uindi   @ulquihimemutual   @ultmechanic  @umathermometer   @undergroundberlin  @underta1e   @unicoranglais @untitled02   @urkisses   @uvhm   @v-a-s-e   @valleyliily   @vampcores  @vampygoth   @vawid   @vectorz   @venomsthetic   @victoriaaleon @videogamejunk   @viewpassword   @violetpandorabox  @virgocore  @voidsexual   @vovaline   @vulcandigby   @vulcaniq  @waifuswithguns  @wanwon   @waspinat0r   @watchdogz   @wateforkate @wbkinz   @weepastavee   @werewolfkrone   @wetsnail   @wiiu   @wiltkings @wlwkatrielle   @wlwkiba   @wolfinss   @wolfiverse   @wordsofsound  @wormiez

X-Z: @xestilli   @xkeybladex   @xtransceiver   @yonbi   @youjinshands @youtubecore   @yuissamidare   @yuragiii   @yuriosbf   @yyorha   @z--yx @zeclover   @zerocheshirecat   @zombietots   @zorasdomain   @zosii   @ztd

State of the Blogger

Not great. I try to do something new every December, to keep myself occupied while everyone else fucks off to spend time with family. This year I was costuming a Christmas show. The director asked me personally. Seven of the eight actors, and the vast majority of the tech people, were wonderful human beings. One of the actresses is also a costumer. She did not like, or possibly did not comprehend, the idea that someone else was in charge of the dresses. She argued with every. single. thing. I pulled. For everybody. At every stage. I don't know how she was able to spend so much time hanging over my shoulder while she was also supposed to be rehearsing. Nothing was right. Ever. I made it all the way to the cue-to-cue, when a different member of the crew cornered me in the ladies dressing room, badgered me until I cried, then did it harder until I ran away and locked myself into a bathroom to make her stop. I told the production manager I was leaving the building. It crossed my mind that I'd be told not to come back. I wasn't, but I would have been completely okay with that. The rats are all making honking sounds now. Flathead had a coughing fit he couldn't get out of, and popped a sprocket over it. He launched himself onto my shoulders and huddled there for like an hour, and this is a rat who normally feels the need to make indignant SQRNK noises whenever he's picked up. Okay, we go back on maintenance antibiotics for life, which, let's face it, is going to be like six more months at best. I have made the important discovery that rats will ingest damn near anything if you mix it with chocolate Ensure. You still need the syringe, you just need it less to get the whole dose into the rat than to make sure you get one dose into one rat, because it's delicious and the little fuckers fight over it. Also, an appropriately-scaled dose of etizolam works on freaked-out rats exactly like it does on freaked-out humans. I do have more etizolam now. My last source has vanished, so I went through IRC.bio this time, which specializes in pure compounds of known strength for (ahem) GC/MS calibration and testing. This batch is an ethanol solution in a cobalt blue glass bottle with a dropper top. Rather pretty. The place appears to be run by actual chemistry nerds, as they put the full IUPAC chemical name on the label. They also take eChecks. I recommend them for all of your recreational mass spectroscopy needs. I was out for a good couple of months after I moved. I try not to do that. I start out fine and slowly get worse and worse until I hit a wall. I wish I could fucking explain this to doctors. That's not the profile of an addict; that's what happens when you have a chronic condition and are inconsistent with your medication. It's most notorious when it happens with psych meds, because your manic episode inconveniences everybody, but it's also an issue with things like autoimmune disorders, or chronic pain conditions. You know. The things it's difficult to get treatment for when you're broke and keep fucking moving around. I'm even more paranoid of running out of naproxen, but at least I can get that at CVS. Skip one dose, eh get kind of creaky. Skip two doses, I really regret it. I don't skip three doses in a row, because I like not limping. I actually got to the point where I was kind of bored by panic attacks. It's really weird to be balled up on the bed, sobbing, in a state of adrenaline-soaked terror, and have no emotional component whatsoever. The reasonable part of your brain just goes, "Fuck, really? Again? (aggrieved sigh) Okay, I guess this is how we're spending our evening, then." Makes it incredibly difficult to get anything done. Speaking of things that make it difficult to get anything done: Sinusitis. I had a free day on Tuesday and I spent it all in bed with the worst headache of my life. It was fun, in that way that harboring a chestburster alien immediately behind your face is fun. Again, the reasonable part of my brain was really mainly aggravated. I'm like, it's bilateral so probably not a migraine, and my neck is fine so probably not meningitis, can all the decongestant/expectorant I've funneled into my bloodstream please work now? It crossed my mind to go to urgent care, but A) it was three in the morning at that point and the buses had quit running, and B) I have literally every substance they would have given me for that in my bedroom right now, except for the Tylenol-3, which is codeine and wouldn't work. If it had persisted into the next day I would have eventually dragged myself in to get my own amoxicillin instead of knocking back the FishMox I keep around for the rats, but it didn't, and I don't need to wake up the roommate with the car just so I can wait four hours for some expensive Mucinex. Even my advent calendar has fucking fallen apart. Happy holidays I guess? from Blogger http://ift.tt/2B1zq1J via IFTTT -------------------- Enjoy my writing? 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