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raidenenthusiast · 5 years

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dear jonghyun,

i love you.

beyond that, i don't know where to begin. i don't know what to say. i haven't even been a shawol for the entire year, and yet i can't believe it. it seems like such a long time. but i guess i'll start at the beginning.

maybe about five months ago, my ex started getting me to listen to kpop. i got into exo first, and for a little while they were the only group that i paid attention to.

eventually, i started hearing more and more about shinee. i knew my partner loved you guys too, so i started trying to get into you guys as well as exo. and at first, i couldn't. i knew about what had happened, i remembered it happening a year ago and being on the outside of it. so when i started into it aware, it hurt.

i would see a video of the five of you, and then a few videos down, it'd be down to four. i'd think about how the four of them had to now perform and sing without you. i'd think about how you'd never get to perform some of your songs live. so many things would make me sad, and i was scared. scared that if this tragedy already made me so sad, before i had barely even learned your name, it would be too much if i ever truly got attached to and fell in love with the group.

so i kind of stopped myself for a while. i was barely a shawol, but listening to all of you made my heart ache. i couldn't do it. i couldn't listen to shinee. i tried to start somewhere, i tried to listen to taemin on his own first. but that didn't work either.

and there was a part of me that knew you were going to be my bias. i can actually tell you the exact moment that made up my mind.

when i was making my kpop playlist, it was on spotify. spotify only has a live version of ring ding dong, so when i was adding it, i had to add that one. when i heard you sing the verse right before the second chorus, something clicked and i fell in love with your voice.

and that was a big reason that i was scared. because i knew that i was going to fall in love with you. and i was scared of how painful it would be. so i stopped myself from leaping headfirst into shinee because of that.

but there came a point where you knocked those walls down entirely. i found and watched the video of your performance of y si fuera ella. your voice, your face, the fake blood on your white suit, the gunshot, every second of it made my heart ache. i sat on my bed for a half hour afterwards and just cried. i'd been afraid to cry before. but thanks to you, i wasn't anymore, and i was finally able to listen to shinee regularly.

and i fell in love. words cannot describe how much you five mean to me. i stared at this screen for so long trying to think of something that could possibly express how much i love all of you. i'm still stuck. you five have given me so much. beautiful music, such openness and kindness, a wonderful friend ( @sunflowerjjong ), happiness, so many good things. and i can't think of anything that i could say that would ever repay you for that.

but, what i can say is thank you. thank you for what you've done for me. you've been a shining light in the darkness these past few months. and as long as i know that you're there, watching over me, i'm okay.

there have been so many hard times. and sometimes, i feel guilty. guilty that i rely on you so much when so many other shawols, as well as your family, friends, and the rest of shinee have it so much harder than i do. but i saw something you said one night. you said that you don't need to know a person face to face to have a relationship with them. and that made it so much easier. because i knew that if you said that, and if you knew how much i care about you, then you might care about me too.

but at the same time, i feel guilty for other reasons. so many shawols can't listen to you or shinee because it hurts too much. and my heart goes out to all of them. but sometimes, i feel guilty for the opposite reason. i can listen to you. i can listen to shinee. and maybe i thought that i wasn't grieving enough. but i know that everyone feels in different ways. you bring me comfort, and there's no reason to be ashamed of that. just like there's no reason to be ashamed of feeling like it's just too unbearable.

your words touch me in ways i never thought possible. sitting on my couch late at night, crying, reading the note that you left us, as broken as my heart felt, it felt whole, too. so much of what you wrote, i felt too. i understood. i still do feel a lot of those things. and knowing that you did too makes me feel so much less alone.

i wish i could have met you. i wish i could have hugged you. i wish i could have looked you in the eyes and told you how much i love you. and the fact that i can't makes me unbelievably sad. but i'll still make it known. i'll still say goodnight to the moon. i'll still tell the sky that i love you, in hopes that you can hear me.

you may be gone, but it feels like you're here with me. when that meteor flew across the sky on my birthday just seconds after i'd started crying, saying i missed you, i knew it was you. i felt it. as if you were telling me not to miss you, because you were right there with me, and you always have been, and you always will be.

and i promise, i will never remember you as simply just a sad story. you are so much more than your tragedy. you are so much more than your pain and sadness. you are a beautiful, glowing light in this dark world, one who has lit up so many lives and reached millions of hearts.

i want to make you happy, and i want to make you proud. i want you to know how much you inspire me. i want you to look down at me and smile, because you know how much you've impacted my life. but most of all, i want you to know how much i love you.

these past few months were dark. there were times when giving up crossed my mind. and that terrified me. because i never wanted to give up. i just thought that i had to. and you helped me realize that i didn't.

and you helped me in so many other ways, too. you still do. and you always will.

i listen to your voice after a long day. you sing with such care and beauty, and sometimes, if i close my eyes, it feels like you're singing right to me. like you're taking my hand, guiding me towards your light. like you're holding me in your arms, reassuring me that everything will be alright. sometimes, it feels like you're crying along with me. but it always feels like you're listening. and it always feels like you're there. and sometimes, just letting out a sigh with you at the very beginning of end of a day is enough to calm me down.

your lyrics help me immensely, too. i relate to so many, like how in elevator, you sing about looking at your reflection and not recognizing yourself. or how in end of a day, you sing about how all you want is for someone to hold you after a tiring day and tell you that you did well. or how in let me out you plead for someone to hold you, help you, because you're so tired and you don't know if you can go on. and looking back on all that now, you were calling for help. and i'm so sorry that you didn't get it when you needed it most.

but apart from that, all of those feelings are within me, too, in one way or another. and hearing your soft voice sing out those things that i feel too is so comforting.

i look up at the moon when i feel alone. it's always there in the sky when i'm at my lowest. even today, i was worrying that i wouldn't be able to see your comet. i went to look outside, and there was the moon, shining through the clouds. you always know when i need you. sometimes i'll talk to you for so long i lose track of time. and i never know for sure if you're listening. but i hope you are. and the possibility is enough for me. and i hope that, like you sing in before our spring, watching over me makes you happy. i hope that you see me and smile because you know how much i love you.

there are things you said, that i find, that are somehow exactly what i need to hear in the moment. maybe i'll see that you said for us to take care of ourselves. maybe i'll see that you said it's okay to feel lost in life. maybe i'll see that you said it's okay to cry. but every single time, whatever i find that you said is exactly what i didn't even know i was looking for. you know. you know when i need you, and you never let me go it alone.

all of these things and more give me the strength to push forward. you give me the strength to fight. because i know that you wouldn't want me to stop. and i know that you don't want me to join you. whenever i feel like i'm drowning, i know i can just reach for your hand.

there's something that i like to tell myself whenever things get hard.

"you did well, so i will too."

and i will, jonghyun. i promise i will.

i drew this moon for you. i wrote your lyric with it. i wanted to do something for you, even though nothing can ever repay you for how much you've done for me.

i love you so much, jonghyun. and i miss you every day. but as long as you're in my heart, and in turn by my side, i will never stop fighting. you make me feel a warmth and a hope that i never want to let go of.

your kindness, your strength, your love for those around you, your softness, your smile, your beautiful soul and your lovely voice will forever hold a special place in my heart. you live on through each and every one of us. and in turn, you help us live on as well.

you've taught me so much. you've taught me to always be kind. you've taught me that it's okay to cry, it's okay to feel. you've taught me to have hope, no matter what. you've taught me to pursue my dreams. but most of all, you've taught me how to be strong, how to fight with every ounce of strength left in me. because if i have you cheering me on, i can do anything.

you make me feel safe. because i have the most wonderful angel in heaven watching over me and looking after me. sometimes i wonder how i ever got so lucky. whenever i miss you badly, i think that you were a gift, but heaven needed their angel back eventually. the time we were given with you on earth was beautiful, and i'll forever be thankful for it. thank you for staying as long as you did. and thank you for never really leaving, not entirely.

i love you. i can't say it enough. i want to say it a million more times. and maybe it seems like i'm talking in circles. but i say it so much because all i want is for you to know. i love you. we love you. and we will never, ever forget you. you will forever be in our hearts, in our minds, in our lives, and in our skies. may you have found the peace and happiness that was lost to you on earth.

you did so well, angel.

always be with you.🌙

with love,

- hannah

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