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irate-iguana · 1 year

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Archaic/Classical Greek Authors and Whether I Could Win Against Them in a Fight (Part 1)

Homer: This one depends on how I interpret the question. Homer as he’s thought of in the classical world? Absolutely I could take on a (probably fictional) old blind poet. Homer as in all the people who likely had a role in constructing The Iliad and The Odyssey? I do not stand a chance against that mob.

Hesiod: Oh yeah no problem. I’ll just, like, flutter my eyelashes or throw a bucket of bath water at him and he’ll run away screaming like the woman-fearer he is.

Sappho: Yes I could win against her in a fight, but why would I want to? I don’t have any beef with Sappho. I’d much rather befriend her.

Herodotus: This one’s going to be close, you guys. On the one hand, as a man in Classical Greece he has military training. On the other hand, I have a more balanced diet and most importantly, rage on my side. I think ultimately, his greater experience in combat will tip the scales.

Thucydides: Fuck no. That man fought a war against Sparta and survived. He caught the Plague of Athens and lived to tell the tale. His Greek sentences alone make me want to die. He would squash me like a bug.

Xenophon: Ah, Xenophon, nobody’s favourite author. Again, he has a ton of military experience. Could kill me easily. What an underwhelming end, to be killed by Xenophon of all people.

#i’m aroace but feel free to replace “befriend” with “kiss” in the sappho entry #gonna do a part 2 with the philosophers and playwrites later #spoiler alert: i’m befriending euripides #apologies to any xenophon fans out there. i’m just teasing him i promise #classics #tagamemnon #homer #hesiod #sappho #herodotus #thucydides #xenophon #original post #shitpost #esmer says things

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