I cannot believe

That it has taken me 20 years

To understand that the Utena movie is what happened to Utena after the series.

It's a fever dream of the major plot points. It's regret and guilt and despair. It resonates constantly with the whisper of the story of a person who tried to save someone and died in their place. It's a brittle-edged rewrite of everything that happened, except this time Utena knows from the start what she's up against, and this time Anthy will do anything - anything - to show her that she didn't fail.

The movie is Utena trapped in a tiny world of her own creation that is yet an echo of the world of Akio's creation. The movie is Anthy fulfilling her promise to find Utena and save her in turn. The movie is the reassurance that the series did not end in despair.

And I will fight to the death to defend the car thing. It's the whole point. Utena could never save Anthy by picking her up and carrying her out of there like an object. But she can make of herself a vehicle, and Anthy can choose to take the key and leave.

Cherry Magic / 30-sai made Doutei dato Mahoutsukai ni nareru rashii Episode 1

Overall Score so far: 8/10

Mainly because Kiyoshi Adachi knows he is in a BL, and is very aware of what might happen to him, and the short hand title is fucking hilarious. Cherry Magic. Cherri Maho. Man I love Japanese.

Also GOOD CROWS ABOVE THIS ANIME IS GENRE-SAVVY. It knows exactly what it's doing, and feels like it's going to deliver what it promises. A wholesome lovey dovey little story.

The whole 1st episode almost feels self contained in a way that will definitely let you know if this show is for you or not. Capybara pointed out that this seems to be a common recent trend with anime for their first episodes. We saw it in Dr. Elise, Frieren, and Dungeon Meshi kind of felt that way too.

My first impression that might not make sense to some people is that this is a toned down Doppo and Hifumi from Matenrou/Hypnosis Mic.

Also, WE'VE GOT TWO POWERHOUSE VOICE ACTORS HERE!!

Adachi is being voiced by the lovely deadpan of Kobayashi, Chiaki - His other roles I know being Langa from SK∞, Gabimaru!! (my beloved) from Jigokuraku/Hell's Paradise, and Mash!! from MASHLE, also this season! I haven't seen Vinland Saga yet, but other might know him as Askeladd! Kobayashi-san has a very particular voice that doesn't fluctuate much, but he knows when to show emotion that gives a good impact. Quote from Capybara - "They picked this guy for his dead pan, but can he emote? Oh, he's Langa from sk8, oh yeah, he can emote."

Kurosawa is voiced by Suzuki, Ryouta a super memorable voice! - Ryusui from Dr. Stone, Yuu ishikami from Kaguya Sama, BISCO!!! FROM SABIKU BISCO!!! That is some RANGE right there! Loud and Prideful, Quiet and Dark, and then a Screamy Boy. This is a younger VA who has had some great starting roles, and has already become a memorable and impactful voice, making this a very good match up!

Anyways, nerding out about voice actors aside, Episode 1 spoilers below!

At first it seems like we're going to get the standard tropes that come with the BL(Boys Love)/Yaoi Genre...

Adachi is ON HIS GUARD and KNOWS THE TROPES.

But the show immediately spins those very same tropes on their head! It's great!! It's been so long since I watched a BL, and despite knowing that the genre in manga form has mostly moved away from a lot of the dub-con tropes (unless you're looking for it of course), it's lovely to see something that actually feels like a proper and semi-realistic romance.

Kurosawa seems like a super sweet dude who's ALSO aware this is a BL, but also that gay guys don't just exist everywhere and that the chance of his crush returning his affection is low.

But. There is no way Adachi is straight. He's absolutely either bi, and/or gay + somewhere on the ace-spec (demi?) depending on how things play out from here.

I bet Adachi stumbled into reading a BL manga (or two or three or) at some point in his younger years, and it had more of an impact on his psyche than he remembers, lmao.

His fascination with knowing Kurosawa has a crush on him is adorable, and he's absolute confusion at stumbling across the other man's fantasies is hilarious.

The tension between them is beautiful when Adachi is pretending to sleep, and we all KNOW Kurosawa is thinking of his sleeping face and then playing it off as just grabbing his phone. I repeat, there is NO WAY Adachi is straight, lmao.

In response to this rhetorical question, No and Yes. If Adachi was the woman, saying yes would imply that she was aware she was being asked to have sex and giving consent (at least by Japanese standards I ASSUME? I've never been in this situation). And if Kurosawa was the woman, that is one very forward and direct lady who is absolutely Down To Fuck (Again, by Japanese standards afaik).

God, then they go out for yakiniku/Korean bbq the next day, and he finds himself enjoying the other man's company and wishing they could be friends, only to brush up again him and remember this man is in love with him. Adachi, you precious child, this is why you're so lovable. The immediate regret for taking the other man's feelings so lightly and not knowing what to do as he runs away is heart wrenching and OF COURSE THE EPISODE ENDS THERE.

It's a running theme that Adachi is worried about other's opinions and doesn't know how to rely on other, which tends to be a negative, but in this case, he's so conscientious of hurting Kurosawa by taking his feelings lightly. Even though he ends up hurting him anyways, I see this as a favorable take on the typical people-pleaser type character.

I'm not really looking to the implied trope of "Best Friend who also has a crush and claims to know him best" in the next episode, but since everything else has been subverted, I'm hoping that will get subverted too? Especially knowing that Best Friend-kun is in the secondary pairing from the PVs.

I WANT TO BINGE THIS. THIS IS GOING TO BE SO DAMN CUTE.

The HypMic Reference:

Adachi is a Toned Down Doppo, who is an over worked businessman at a black company who might as well be Canadian for how often he says sorry, but goes into Berserker mode and absolutely destroys his opponents when pushed too far or his partners are hurt, and is Hifumi's emotion support human.

Kurosawa is a super Toned Down Hifumi, who is the #1 host at a club in Shinjuku and has a split personality of the perfect princely boyfriend, and a charai/flashy and "it'll be fine lol" personality, who is basically a housewife for Doppo and is also Doppo's emotional support human.

There aren't THAT many connection points between the two, but still, I like the comparison, aha.

Anyways, My Hopes For This Anime, having NOT read the manga and not wanting spoilers, are that these two get together by half way through the season and then we get the "newly dating" stages of their relationship, and various mishaps that only serve to strengthen their relationship. They seem like a very good couple and it would be a waste for them to not get together.

If they don't get together until episode 12, I will be so blue balled that I will have to drop it if only to get the circulation in my brain back.

Hype for more!

ep2 ep3 ep4 ep5 ep6 <- these will eventually become links

12, 18, and 30 for the fic readers tag meme! 💕

12. share a sentence that you still remember from a fic you read long ago

[The falx was the Dacian weapon—a two-handed sickle, sharpened on the inside. It was vicious to even shielded enemies, for a man with a falx could simply reach past the shield, hook the edge of the falx over a leg or arm or even a neck, and pull. It was deadly.

Avizina had grown up in Rome. He had never learned the falx.

- Breaker of Horses from @sineala]

For context, I'm the US-born mixed child of a Filipina immigrant with the vast majority of my formative memories occurring in a heavily Filipino-populated area and many of them occurring in the Philippines. I read this fic in March 2021, about a year from the beginning of COVID quarantine in my state, and around the time that I was pushed to dig very, very deep into the history of violence and prejudice Asian immigrants and their descendants have experienced in this country. Needless to say, it was enlightening, and that's coming from someone who's done extensive research on the Asian-American experience-- you just really, really specifically have to be looking for all of the fucking murders in order to, y'know, get information on all of the fucking murders.

I've always been very culturally connected, more Asian-American than strictly American, etc. etc.-- but to say that these past two years have changed me would be an understatement, and my worldview and identity had gone through a radical shift in light of the events of 2020 and 2021 thus far.

I could (and, if prompted, EASILY will) gush about Avizina-- this fic's Tony-- and his culture and disconnect from it, how he forgot bits and pieces of the language and the architecture and how he seemed more Roman than Dacian, etc. etc. But that would be terribly long. I will instead say that Sine really, really captured that disconnected feeling and simultaneous loss and embrace of identity, and that it hit me very hard.

There's a lot that I've lost, whether it be a legitimate having and losing-- like with my heritage language to an extent, or the extended family dynamic that I'd gotten used to as a child-- and a lot that I never got the chance to have. And for a while now, I've been trying to reconnect with it all-- my family, my language, my culture-- and these past two years specifically have only strengthened my resolve.

And I read this fic and this line, in the middle of a scene with an intense, intense film of grieving over it, and I set my laptop down and I curled up in my bed and I cried for A Good While.

My brain is a sieve and I retain so few fic memories, but this-- he had never learned the falx-- obliterated my psyche. Like, if I were more of a tattoo person, this would be on the potential list of quotes to get permanently etched into my body.

(Also, there's Ty in the fic. Yay for Ty in the fic!)

18. do you remember the first fic you read?

Nope! It 100% came from an anime, though. I don't know which anime, because I can't order the ones I've watched chronologically, but it sure was one of those fuckers.

30. are there fics that changed your life?

There are fics that have helped me through life-changing periods, and fics that have offered me an opportunity to think on certain aspects of certain subjects to such an extent that I was finally able to verbalize feelings I'd had tangled up for good, long periods of time-- many of which have altered my life and how I'm able to conceptualize and explain myself.

But no fic on its own has really changed my life in a way that wasn't happening to some extent anyway.

Fic in general has changed my life, though. ^^

Soooooo ..... Zachary Levi and I are a thing now (*wink*)

Back in late 2015, early 2016, I found myself on a Zachary Levi kick after watching him on Eva Longoria’s short-lived comedy series “Telenovela.” I thought the show was funny and had some actors whose worked I’ve enjoyed for years, plus some actors who I was discovering for the very first time. Zachary showed up on the series in the unexpected role of a studio head with a serious case of workaholism who was attracted to Eva’s character.

Yes, he looked hot in that scene where he carried her in his arms after being outside in the rain. And yes, it was intentionally shot to look like the cover of a romance novel, and it succeeded. But what really caught my attention about Mr. Levi was when he serenaded Eva’s character, hoping that she would marry him go with him to his cousin’s wedding after only dating for a short period of time. (See clip below.)

Now I knew Mr. Levi could sing, and although I had not watched it at that time, I knew he was technically a Disney prince in the film Tangled and millions of people had already learned to swoon over him in animated form. But as I said during my mini-obsession then, he didn’t really get my motor running. At best, I thought he was adorkable and sweet.

But when Zac performed that number on “Telenovela,” I could suddenly see why so many adored him. That voice was like butter, and when combined with his self-effacing sense of humor, general charitable nature, and natural smolder (*wink*), he’s got a lot to make the crowd go “Well, damn!”

Following my “discovery” of his lovely voice, I decided to get tickets to see She Loves Me for my birthday back in 2016. Even though I’m not a big fan of romantic comedies, I do enjoy those older rom-coms from the 60s-70s with actresses like Doris Day, where the comedy is often in the form of unlikely coincidences or cases of mistaken identity. And would you know it, She Loves Me was so good, I went back to see it a second time (thank you TodayTix!). And this time, I stood by the stage door and promptly photographed and recorded everyone in the cast as they went down the line humoring us little people with easy banter and autographs. 

You can see more of how that went in my post here. Sorry if most of the images are blurry. 

But I got to meet Mr. Levi, embarrass myself in front of him, and walk home in shame said embarrassment that would last a good fortnight. I didn’t share those pics of us together because despite showing the woman I asked to take the photo how to use my camera -- it was so easy, I’m not sure how she didn’t understand, you literally only had to just touch the screen -- the photo is too dark and out of focus to share as proof of that moment. 

Well, since I was still inwardly kicking myself for making Zac feel weird from my awkward stuttering, I allowed myself to follow him on Twitter and keep my distance like a good non-stalker. 

Fast forward to the month of November 2016. I’ve now seen Zac on Broadway 3 times thanks to his role in a strictly limited production of Sunday in the Park With George starring Annaleigh Ashford and Jake Gyllenhall in October. They added an extra show at the last minute, and yep, my credit card is still charging me interest on it. No regrets. 

But as you may recall, November was the now infamous US election that will ring through history long after countries no longer exist, and in the aftermath of the results, Zac showed himself to be less than ... “aware” of what was actually happening in America before or after the election, and I decided to unfollow him on social media.

Still a fan, sure. But I knew if I wanted to stay a fan, I needed to keep my attention focused on his work. Not his politics. 

Over the course of 3 years, I watched him “Heroes Reborn.” I finally watched Tangled. I hated his death in Thor: Ragnarok (still do!). I nursed my heartache over the death of Fandral with his role of Billy Goldrick in Psych the Movie. I squee!ed in excitement when he was announced as Shazam for the DCEU. And I respected the hell out of him when he decided to be more and more forthright about his struggles with mental illness. 

But ultimately, I’ve kept my distance from Mr. Levi since 2016. That is, until now. 

What’s changed? I finally got around to watching “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.” Yes, I kept hearing good things about it. But sistas are broke these days, and stupid Amazon Prime doesn’t let you just purchase the series to watch it online by itself. No. You have to subscribe to their subscription service like a chump. 

I investigated the possibility of using someone else’s subscription to watch the series, but so far, I couldn’t find anyone to let me try. Sooooooooo ... I signed up for the 30-day free trial, and I’m going to cancel the subscription before they can charge me for the first month. I have 2 weeks left. Ha! Suckers.

Anyway. I watched Mrs. Maisel and immediately loved it. And when Zac showed up, immediately loved him too. And yes, he broke my heart in his last scene in season 3, and I’m still not over it. 

Regardless of my coping mechanisms, my obsession with Zac has been renewed. And for the last 2.5 weeks, I’ve been either re-watching things I’ve seen him in (She Loves Me on BroadwayHD; Psych the Movie; clips from his talk show interviews on YouTube) or watching things he’s been in that I’ve never seen before (Geeks Who Drink game show series; Weiners; First Date captured through a brave, but shaky pirate cam on YouTube; that clip of him in Office Uprising). And I’m not even close to done. 

I’m going to ride this obsession until I’m completely Levi’d out. Over the next week, I plan to watch Alias Grace on Netflix; re-watch Tangled (I own it actually); Shazam! (of course); and every YouTube video of his InstaStories Q&As and his comic con Q&As I can find. At some point, I will get sick of him. I just know it.

And when I do, I wonder if it will fall before or after I attend Awesome Con in D.C. in May. Yep, I already bought a ticket. I’m determined to get a half-way decent photo with him this time. Here’s hoping the trip won’t break the bank.

Anyway, that’s all for now. This post is already long as hell. I just needed to give this obsession room to breathe, and explain why you may see me reblog a lot of images and clips featuring Zac over the next week or so. So consider yourself warned.

Remember: No regrets.

Sarazanmai 9

Me: Listens to a TED talk about how losing sleep is fucking with your body and psyche as I do some late-night cleaning

Also me: stays up another 30 minutes to catch the latest Sarazanmai episode because if not I'd think of nothing else at work the next day

Yeah, I guess this is the point where I can personally say that I Want To Connect And I'm Letting Myself Do it.

- For all my talk about someone jumping from the bridge it took until now to maybe connect that to Kazuki being shown drowning in the OP as Enta and Toi have big portraits flashing. God fucking damn anime OP tropes and Ikuhara's convoluted storytelling argh

- Anyway, Kazuki losing his shoe when Enta is shot is obviously connected to the fucking friendship bracelet that he wears on the foot and I am feeling like such a fucking idiot for taking a week to connect those dots. I'll stop swearing now.

- Everyhing that is Toi and his brother here is so really heartbreaking

- Everything that is Kazuki and Enta/Rin!Cop and Sousuke!Cop is careening along a delighful rollercoster along sincerely emotional and brilliantly funny and THIS is peak Ikuhara

- It might be helped along with the Penguindrum vibes (prime example: Kanba chasing the truck with the Penguin Hat), thanks to the hospital setting

- Let's someone do the comparison between Toi's brother and Kanba.

- Can I just say how 200% happy I am that Enta isn't facing the climax of the story in a coma, but as an acting part of the story?

- Yikes I forgot that Enta's sister was their teacher and how's that for the difference in relationship that Kazuki has to Enta's sister compared to Enta's to Kazuki's brother

- I don't know if I ever mentioned before that Mamoru Miyano is probably my favourite voice actor ever but he sure is and he sure just turned Rin!Cop into my favourite character of this show like THAT because that's some Grade A Tamaki channeling right there

- That said, I'm not following the Otter Cop Plot entirely but there's probably something profound to be said about Sousuke!Cop "needing" the Otter Entity taking the form of Rin!Cop's repressed side, particularly the obsession with "desire".

- Toi's brother might be the closest we've yet come to a real faceted character on this show, and I suppose he died as he lived, by which I mean contradictory. Toi always deserved better, and we're eagerly awaiting the continuation now that Mr. I Killed A Man from the looks of it has three more bodies on his conscience and will probably be hunted by both the police an the yakuza.

- One final Penguindrum parallell: Kazuki befriending Enta mirrors the way Those Spoilery Kids In Penguindrum befriend each other and we all know how that turned out don't we  (no, most of you don't, you bleeding philistines). (see also: The They're Really Brothers Theory)

- So here's a thing I've oddly never seen people comment on yet: That Kazuki is the only person who hasn't been hanging onto a person who has changed for the worse. As has been thoroughly pounded in, both Enta and Rin!Cop want their Special Person to return to their old self; given this episode, it seems overwhelmingly likely that Toi truly wanted his brother to turn away from crime. For all of Kazuki's issues, an obsession with nostalgia was hardly one of them, and I'm wondering how this is going to play into solving everyone else's crisis. Let's someone do the comparison between Toi and Masako.

 - This ending leaves us with a number of questions, and a number of actors SOME OF WHICH HAVE NOT BEEN PROPERLY INTRODUCED, so to summarise for my own sanity: * Kazuki and Enta want the dishes to save Enta's life * Toi previously wanted the dishes to help his brother and with his brother now gone, might well want the dishes for trying to get him back * Rin!Cop is going to do something drastic to get the "old" Sousuke!Cop back, which is probably going to involve the dishes * Keppi and Sara are doing IDK but it doesn't seem to involve the dishes * The Otters are doing IDK but it doesn't seem to involve the dishes * Whoever has the dishes still needs another one get their wish granted

TL;DR SARAZANMAI FINALLY BECAME *GOOD

Distraction (Part 1) - Theo Raeken

Summary: Based off the song Distraction by Kehlani. You’re stressed with all your college activities but Theo turns out to be the distraction you need to get through it. This will be a three part series. 

Word Count: 2,555

Warnings: Cursing, mentions of sex

Author’s Note: I’m a little late with this song but I love it so much. Obviously it fit Theo. Also, I’m not one to endorse casual sex but do whatever floats your boat. Just make sure you wrap it up. 

Masterlist 

College. A way to get away from all the drama in Beacon Hills. You did the research and hadn’t heard about any “mysterious animal attacks” near your school. After the previous year you had, you wanted to be far away from all supernatural issues. You were human, so it shouldn’t be too hard get away from the werewolf drama. Of course, if the pack needed you, you would be there. With Ms. Monroe making an army of hunters, they needed all the help they could get. They seemed to have things pretty well handled when you left. It was almost like when Argent was hunting wolves. Except Monroe didn’t follow any particular code like he did.

It was the second week of school and you were already stressed. You had a plan for college which consisted of you getting as involved as possible and making straight A’s. During high school, you were pretty busy helping save the town and spending time with your boyfriend. The days of running for your life were over, and there was no boyfriend occupying your free time.

There was a pep rally on campus for the game on Saturday, and you and your roommate were watching all the players get called on stage.

“Who knew there were so many hot guys at this school,” Camila asked clapping her hands as the coach introduced another player. Her eyes were ogling the players on stage so she didn’t see you roll your eyes. “Where were all these guys when I toured the campus?”

“Probably hiding because they knew you were coming,” you replied laughing.

“Oh shut up,” she turned and smiled at you. “There’s gotta be one guy up there you find good-looking.”

“I’ll admit they look good, but I’m not here for that.”

“Then what the heck are you here for,” Camila asked, slightly confused by your response.

“To get an education. You know, the whole reason college was invited in the first place,” you nodded explaining to your friend.

“I guess,” she said turning to look back at the players. “You gotta have a little fun though.”

“I don’t need a guy to have fun, Cami. I’ve got plans. And getting distracted by some college boy isn’t going to help me achieve them.”

“Yeah, but you know what they say. All work and no play makes Y/N a dull girl.”

“What’s not fun about world domination,” you shrugged and giggled.

“And now,” you heard the coach announce on the microphone, “Our second-string players. First up, the freshman star all the way from Beacon Hills, Theo Raeken.”

“What,” you shouted with a baffled and somewhat irritated expression on your face.

Theo came jogging up on stage waving to the cheering crowd. It felt like slow motion to you. His brown hair bounced with each step he took. His bluish green eyes shined bring in the stadium lights.

“Oh, fuck,” you whispered under your breath, but Camila still heard you.

“What? What’s going on?”

“I know him,” you said very annoyed.

“You know him,” Camila said astonished. You nodded but she wanted you to clarify. “Him,” she asked again pointing.

“Yeah, we went to school together.”

“You’ve gotta give me more details girl. He’s smoking. Do you mean know him like ‘we had a few classes together but never spoke’ or ‘he actually acknowledged my presence and his gorgeous lips formed words that were only designed for me’?”

You raised your eyebrow at your over the top friend. “I wouldn’t say it exactly like that, but the second one. We were almost friends.”

“You were almost friends with that Greek God,” she asked a little too loudly for your liking. “What the hell happened?”

“I don’t want to get into too much detail, but he wasn’t the nicest guy back then. He was in the grade above me, but he had some…” you looked for the right words to say before you spoke, “family issues come up and he had to leave suddenly.” Your mouth turned up at the little joke you made that you knew Camila wouldn’t understand. “He came back the next year and finished. We graduated together but I had no idea he was going to college let alone go here of all places.”

“Well thank God for second chances because I’m gonna climb him like a tree,” Cami said readjusting her boobs in her top.

You shook your head at Camila and brought your attention back to the coach. The pep rally lasted five more minutes then you made your way over to the free snacks provided by the school. Cami walked off somewhere to flirt with one of the players. You said you would meet up in ten minutes to walk back to your dorm together.

“I had family issues huh,” a deep voice said from behind you. You didn’t need to turn around to recognize who said it. You sighed before you turned around regretting even coming out tonight.

Theo was smirking at the remark he was eavesdropping in on earlier. “What was I supposed to say? Your sister popped out of the ground like a jack-in-the-box and dragged you to hell? She would have reported me and had me admitted into the psych ward.”

“I doubt she would have cared since I’m a, oh what was it, a Greek God.”

You rolled your eyes. Theo was already cocky. The last thing you needed was your roommate’s comments stroking his ego. “Whatever, quarterback. Oh wait, second string quarterback. What are you doing here anyway,” you asked crossing your arms over your chest.

“The same thing you’re probably here for. To get an education.”

The line moved, so you took a few steps so you wouldn’t lose your place. “Oh bullshit. Why would you want an education?”

“Well some of us don’t have mommy and daddy to take care of them. It was either getting a full ride scholarship or keep living out of my truck. And I thought actually doing something with my life and having a place to live was better than being a sitting target for one of Monroe’s hunters.”

The scowl on your face slowly softened as Theo spoke. Even though he started off annoying with that mommy and daddy remark, you felt bad he had to live out of his truck. Killing Scott had put him on your permeant hate list, but he did help with the Ghost Riders and keeping Liam safe. And maybe karma had its way with Theo when he got dragged to hell by his sister. That may have been punishment enough.

“Fine. Just don’t get in my way here. I’m trying to make something of myself and I don’t need my supernatural past coming back to haunt me.”

Theo raised his hands up in defense. “I wouldn’t dream of it, babygirl.”

You looked at him disgusted. “And don’t call me babygirl.”

It had been a month since the pep rally and you tried to keep your distance from Theo. You didn’t even want to bring up his name, which is why the pack didn’t know he was at the same college as you.

“How do I look,” Camila asked stepping out of your shared bathroom in a red dress.

“You look great. Where are you going,” you asked looking up from your homework.

“Elliot is taking me out to a fancy restaurant.” Camila went over to her mirror to put on the finishing touches.

“Date number 3. Are things getting serious?”

“Oh God no. We’re just having fun. I mean, I do like him, but we’re young. I’m not trying to rush into anything,” she spoke as she sprayed her perfume in the air and walked into the cloud of smoke. “Don’t tell me you’re staying in here to study on a Saturday night.”

“I won’t then,” you said. You turned back around in your computer chair to face your desk.

“You’re not staying in here on another weekend.”

“Yes I am.”

“No. You. Are. Not,” she spoke emphasizing each word as she typed on her phone. “I just texted the girls and they’ll be here in 30 minutes to pick you up for the party.”

“Roommate say what now,” you asked turning back towards your friend.

“There’s a house party tonight. Molly, Candice, and Raven are going and so are you.”

“But I don’t want to go to a party. I’ve got so much crap on my plate. I’ve got a test next week, a paper to write, I’m working out the details for the project committee I’m on in my club, and I’m trying to get secure my spot as an RA next year. All that takes work.”

Camila’s head was down snoring then she suddenly jumped up shaking her head. “I fell asleep just listening to you. You’ve got too much going on and it’s not even midterms yet. You need a distraction from your boring, stressful life.”

“My life isn’t boring,” you responded defending yourself.

“Prove it,” Cami said crossing her arms over her chest.

“Ughhh, fine. I’ll go. I can be fun.” You got up from your chair and went to your closet to find something to wear to the party. Sweatpants and school t-shirt weren’t appropriate for any party.

An early 2000’s song roared through the speakers. You stuffed another chip in your mouth as you watched everybody dance. A couple came through the kitchen door holding hands. The guy pushed the girl against the wall watching her giggle. She ran her manicured figures in his black hair and stared into his eyes. You rolled your eyes and grabbed another chip from the bowl

Couples always annoyed you. You weren’t always so cynical, but being in love and having your heart ripped out of your chest will do that to you. Brett and you used to be that annoyingly cute. He was your whole world. It sounds pretty cliché, falling in love in high school, but Brett loved you to the moon and back. The two of you talked about going to college together and eventually getting married. You were young, but you knew Brett was it for you.

When Monroe killed Brett, it was like a piece of died with him. It was a year ago, but the pain still hurt. You swore one day you would get your revenge on Ms. Monroe. Scott would disapprove, but you didn’t care. Camila though you were weird for not being interested in any guys at school, but you just weren’t ready. You were focused on your studies and clubs. Guys would just take your attention away from that. You did miss getting affection and attention though. There was no rush for a relationship, but it would be nice to have someone around.

“Having fun,” a voice asked from behind you.

“Tons. This party is so much fun,” you answered sarcastically turning around to face Theo. Theo had grown a bit of beard since the last time you saw him. You would hate to admit it out loud, but he looked real good with facial hair. You began to wonder why he didn’t grow a beard sooner.

Theo smirked hearing your heartbeat quicken for just a moment. “I’m having a blast too,” he smiled coping your sarcasm. He popped a chip in his mouth and you admired the way light hit eyes making them twinkle. “Did your friends drag you here like mines?”

“Yeah, my roommate thinks I’m boring for spending Saturday night in our dorm doing homework.”

“You are boring for spending Saturday night in your dorm doing homework,” Theo smiled repeating you.

“Oh shut up,” you spoke smacking Theo on the arm.

Theo laughed before he spoke. “I see you on campus Y/N. Your nose is always stuck in some book or you’re speed walking to class.”

“Well I’ve got a lot going on.”

“I see that,” Theo nodded giving you a once over. “You have to learn to relax sometimes. Take a break. Don’t be so stressed all the time.”

“And how do you propose I do that,” you questioned staring into Theo’s gorgeous eyes.

“For starters you can dance with me,” Theo said stretching his hand out to yours.

You squinted at Theo questioningly not sure of what to do.

“It’s just a dance Y/N, I won’t bite.” You reluctantly grabbed Theo’s handing thinking what’s the worst that could happen. Theo led you to the living room and though the music was loud, you still heard him say “hard” in reference to him biting you.

Theo started moving to the beat pulling you closer to him. You stood there awkward. Just a month ago you wanted nothing to do with Theo Raeken, but now here you were next to him. Theo dipped down, his lips ghosting over your ear so you could hear him over the music. “It’s just a dance Y/N.”

Rolling your eyes, you began to dance with Theo. One dance wouldn’t hurt anything. Theo’s hand grabbed your hip as you swayed to the music. You felt his fingers on the skin in between your jeans and the bottom hem of your shirt. Your skin was on fire at his touch, but you just chalked it up to not being this close to a guy since Brett.

The beat changed a little and you turned around so your back was facing Theo. He wrapped his arm tighter around your waist and you pulled closer into him. You flipped your hair throwing over your shoulder and felt Theo’s warm breath fan against your neck.

One song turned into two and two songs turned into three. It had been a long time since you danced with a guy. A small part of you felt bad. Like you shouldn’t be dancing so close with Theo. Then you thought about how you sulked around for the last year over Brett. You were just dancing, not starting a relationship with him. And besides, everyone needed a bit of human contact every now and again.

You ran your hands through Theo’s hair watching as he bit his lip. Brett was your first and only. You never even thought about having sex with another guy until now.

“I just thought of another way you can help me relax,” you said in a low tone.

“And how’s that,” Theo asked tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear.

You placed your hands on Theo’s checks and pulled him in for a kiss. His soft, warm lips moved gently over yours. It was obvious he was just as attracted to you as you were to him.

You pulled back gazing into his eyes. You didn’t care that there was a room full of people around you watching you kiss the quarterback. “You were right. My life is stressful. I’ve got a lot going on. So maybe you could be my distraction from all that.”

“I’m listening,” Theo said gripping your hips as you kept moving to the music.

“This will be purely physical. No relationship. No strings attached. I can’t have anyone or anything take my attention away from school. But when things get to hectic and I need break-“

“I’ll be your distraction,” Theo finished for you.

“Exactly. So do we have an agreement?”

Theo smiled showing all his beautiful white teeth. “I’m down.”

12/30/17 - Saturday 

Weird day. I had a bunch of nightmares, and I’ve been having them for the past two days or so now, the most recurring theme being severe fear of weight gain. I recorded the details of what happened in one of them on my phone before I forgot, because I know I usually forget and I wanted to go over the specific dream with my therapist, but I didn’t forget them throughout the day, in fact they stuck with me. It had to do with a person who had molested me previously, but in sum they loved me and I accepted their affections in the dream. In the dream I also kept detailing how ugly I was, and how I couldn’t be seen no matter what. When I woke up I felt disgusted, confused, and traumatized. I felt sluggish and had a hard time really waking up because I felt like I needed more rest after the event. 

Anyways, that sucked but we had a New Years party to go to so that was exciting! I drank and enjoyed it for the first time, my brother was there and everyone was nice and fun. I drank a lot of the punch and also had a jello shot. Someone at the party told me I needed to gain weight, and when she said I didn’t look like I was at a healthy weight I just felt like I couldn’t believe her. A few others at the party kept telling me how beautiful I was, and how lucky I was to have a “natural beauty” and I immediately felt like, this wave of shame or fear wash over me when I thought about my dreams. It was weird but I’m not gonna look too far into it, I had fun and made some good connections so that was nice, I never have really liked when people try to make conversations based off my looks because its like... what the fuck do you say to that? Idk id rather talk about like animals or spirituality or literally like even video games. I don’t mind convos about make up because at least that details some skill, but when people talk specifically only about my looks I feel like I’m on some like bidders market. Anyway the drinks were an interesting thing to try out, I guess I actually drank a bunch and the jello shot wasn’t bad. I def got tipsy though and wanted to like nap lol 

I smoked a cig with my brother outside at one point and told him about the dreams, I felt like safe speaking to him and told him how I don’t feel like I can really share all elements of my personality ever and have sever paranoia some days and he says he feels the same, which even though that didn’t fix my issues I felt safer knowing hes dealt with similar issues around the same seasons especially. I like talking to my brother about these things because sometimes I feel as though people want the “look” of mental illness, or stigmatize me, or think I’m being dramatic, which makes me less likely to want to go deeper into the cause and experiences anyway. We also spoke about how hard it can be to accept a diagnosis and how I’m worried about my body/health. It was a nice convo and I’m glad I had someone safe to like just let go of some of the things I’ve been thinking about lately. 

Someone at the party spoke to me about her own body dysmorphia, and said how she was really just going to accept the fact that no matter what she’ll always have it. I said I can relate, and understand no matter how much you struggle your body will hardly feel like a home. She eats whatever she wants and thats her way of managing it, in her eyes it’s just being mentally sound and ignoring her outer form. Her s/o is very supportive of her atm so that made me happy and I was grateful for her opening up to me about how she handles it. She said she loved me and was so happy I was part of her life. It was interesting timing, but she is growing on me as well. 

It was weird on the way home from the party though, deer appear in my life constantly when I’m struggling mentally, and apparently seeing a deer means you should be easier on yourself, and I’ve accepted this and taken them on as one of my “totem” animals, but we hit a deer with the car. I wasn’t driving, but I don’t know how I should handle the event. The deer was fine, our car is dented, and the event was just strange to me. I’ve never hit a deer, I’ve had strange, surreal encounters with them, but I’ve never, ever harmed one. 

I’m going to relax for a bit now and just take in the day and hopefully get in some sleep. It was overall good, and I plan on cleaning my space tomorrow for a clear mind, and maybe balancing my money to see if I can afford some safety/comfort objects into my home. I also plan on setting up future plans, I know I want to take classes online, specifically to go into the field of therapy or psych. I might create something as well to see where my mind is at, idk maybe some writing or a drawing. 

92 truths that you dont really need to know about me but im gonna tell you anyway ! !

rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. at the end, choose 25 people to tag!

tagged by: @slavshiro ohoo THANK YOU ILY

LAST… [1] drink: water [2] phone call: my mom just called me to tell me to turn the stove on [3] text message: the love of my life, sonia!!! [4] song you listened to:  말이야 (I Mean That) by CLC!!! quality song  [5] time you cried:  dec 8 when i thought i only got 10/60 on my calc final cause i had an anxiety attack in the middle of it and called my cousin on her birthday and cried to her about being worthless and how my parents deserve a better daughter, one more like my successful brother :^) i havent cried since then because im even more dead than ive ever been :^)

HAVE YOU EVER… [6] dated someone twice: nope, i dont want to relive any of my past relationships; i mean it ended for a reason so? but maybe for a future relationship if it comes to it?? theres still an extremely low chance of it happening though lol  [7] been cheated on: not that i know of but probably not [8] kissed someone and regretted it: ksjngkejrnkgne yeah, elementary school with isaiah mike lmao what a mistake  [9] lost someone special: mmmm not recently  [10] been depressed: i’m honestly not sure– like its not bad enough to where i would need medicine but i do feel down, empty, and find it hard to be happy a lot?? its mostly cause of school but baHhhhahaH yikes dog pictures never fail to cheer me up though [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: im a good girl, i dont plan on drinking until im legally allowed to lmao even than, i probably would still be reluctant 

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] orange (orange clothes are ugly though) [13] cream / white !  [14] dark blues ! 

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: sweats honestly no, i havent made any new friends for a couple years now? i mean i met people form key club but i dont talk to them often  [16] fallen out of love: i guess  [17] laughed until you cried: i think so  [18] found out someone was talking about you: yO SO MY FRIEND TOLD ME TODAY THAT SOMEONE I DATED KEEPS TELLING MY OTHER FRIEND THAT HE MISSED ME AND honestly get over me please, like its been like what nine months now and youre not going to get anywhere with mulling in the past? dont bother other people about this because they dont want to hear it.  [19] met someone who changed you: NOT IN THE PAST YEAR KFKNDFKE [20] found out who your true friends are: i never have fake friends? like even if they wanted to gain something from me there would be nothing to get lmao [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: nAH

GENERAL… [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: probably a little more than three fourths [23] do you have any pets: i have a six inch fish, my dad has a six inch fish, and my mom has two smaller three inch fish (the ones my dad and i own are at least five years old now and the ones my mom has are less than a year old) [24] do you want to change your name: nope, my parents chose it for me and i want to honor that, plus i dont think any other names would suit me  [25] what did you do for your last birthday: i went out to eat kbbq with sonia and then stayed home for the rest of the day !!!!! thank you sonia ohoo i would’ve just spent it doing nothing wihtout you kjngkjer [26] what time did you wake up: 6:30 am [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: dinking around on my phone probably [28] name something you cannot wait for: short term: the week to end, long term: owning a dog  [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: 3 minutes ago  [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i was more confidant about myself and my ability to do things  [31] what are you listening to right now: good luck by aoa [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: i know a tommy??  [33] something that is getting on your nerves: :3 [34] most visited website: “tinklr dot hell” [35] elementary: i miss my elementary school friends : ( [36] high school: fuck the counselors  [37] college: high school + more crying honestly, i like it though, i feel more free (at least in the running start program lmao) im waiting to see if UW seattle and bothell want me next year though and i really want to die at the though of them not accepting me cause i’ll just be an even bigger disappointment to my family lol  [38] hair color: dark brown but a chestnut-ish color in the sun (i really want to dye my hair so its that chestnut color all the time though) [39] long or short hair: i like short hair but i currently have long hair thats three or four inches under my armpits, i plan on cutting it soon though [40] do you have a crush on someone: no serious ones, just the “wow he smiled at me “ and “gOd he held the door for me i am Snatched” kind of little crushes [41] what do you like about yourself?: i like that i was able to make good friends [42] piercings: ears [43] blood type: B+ i think– not completely sure if im + or - but i know its B for sure [44] nickname: none, just pet names from sonia and jiejie by gil ohoo [45] relationship status: single and not really looking for anything, i just want a dog [46] zodiac sign: sagittarius [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show: i surprisingly have a lot of favorite american shows like bones, psych, monk, criminal minds, leverage, saving hope, pushing daisies, ghost whisperer, basically all shows on ion tv minus law&order, then theres gravity falls and bobs burger, and then a bunch of animes and dramas [49] tattoos: none but ive always wanted one either on my wrist or inner arm ! [50] right or left handed: right handed

FIRST… [51] surgery: never  [52] piercing: ears [53] best friend: lisa! we’ve literally known each other since we were born and shes always going to be my favorite cousin and one of my best friends [54] sport: track  [55] vacation: dont remember very well?? i saw some vcr tapes of us going to disney in 2001 though [56] pair of trainers: ive never had any trainers, just running shoes?? i had small red sandals that squeaked whenever i walked when i was a kid though 

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: nothing [58] drinking: water (ive been drinking so much water lately but i’m always thirsty so i lowkey think theres something wrong with me) [59] i’m about to: knock out  [60] listening to:  情歌王 by leo ku (its like a compilation of classic love songs thats 13 minutes long but i could sing the entire thing karaoke style easily)  [61] waiting for: death  [62] want: to not disappoint my parents, my friends, or myself anymore  [63] get married: eventually i guess  [64] career: student, scribe/visual interpreter/reader/proctor for my college’s DSS 

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: hugs !  [66] lips or eyes: eyes ! ! which is funny cause making eye contact with people makes me Uncomfortable  [67] shorter or taller: taller please, im tired of being the taller friend and i want to feel small for once  [68] older or younger: older, i’ve had enough with younger guys lmao  [69] romantic or spontaneous: romantic but spontaneous is good too  [70] nice arms or nice stomach: arms i guess  [71] sensitive or loud: sensitive?? [72] hook up or relationship: relationship wtf i dont even get how hook ups work alright  [73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant lmao 

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? no what the heck [75] drank hard liquor? nope  [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? lost contacts (which sucks cause i wear hard contacts since they cant make soft ones with my prescription and only replace them once a year, thankfully i can use the ones from previous years) but never glasses  [77] turned someone down: no  [78] sex on first date? yikes no  [79] broken someone’s heart? ya but it was for the best [80] had your own heart broken? ya but i was never that sad about it [81] been arrested? no oml i sweat every time i see cop cars [82] cried when someone died? no one close to me has died so far, but i def cried at the ladies’ code car accident  [83] fallen for a friend: nope 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? i want to  [85] miracles? yes but i have yet to witness any [86] love at first sight? mmmm to a certain extent– i think its mostly based on looks but when you get to know them that when the real love happens [87] santa claus? used to exist probably  [88] kiss on the first date? depends  [89] angels? yeah, why not 

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: sonia del casal : ) [91] eye colour: dark brown [92] favourite movie: listen ive watched your name (kimi no na wa) a grand total of sixteen (16) times and i could still watch it another ten times (i love to suffer)

tagging @sweet-hunny, @hideous-kojimmies , @panda-p-king, @puervy , @otonai , @izumiiz , @hxanns , anyone cause yikes i dont know very many people

Day 12: Lucerne

Update from last night, since this happened after I made the post: there is what we assume is a hostel cat!! Makes up for the lack of WiFi and power. Saw the cat on our way back from the lounge to our rooms to go to bed last night. It was just dozing away on the rug next to the cow statue in the lobby of the hostel. He/she was soooo sweet and let us pet it even though we woke it up accidentally. Back to today - long post ahead, we did a LOT with our full day in Lucerne.

Woke up at 9:00 for the hostel's free breakfast, since their breakfast ends at 9:30 instead of 10:00, which is when all the other hostels' breakfasts have ended. They had a pretty generous spread of food, and I sampled almost all of it. They even had vegetable soup and rice, so I had a very healthy helping of those. I also had a bowl of their homemade muesli (a Swiss-German food), which is a really good combination of food that I had never thought of before. It's strawberry yogurt, oatmeal, and chunks of fruit (blueberries and strawberries, in this case). Deeeelicious. I also had a bowl of regular yogurt, two orange slices, an apple slice, a glass of orange juice, two slices of ham, and part of a slice of swiss cheese. It was a thick slice of cheese, not the thin ones we usually have in the US. Apriet finished the rest of my cheese, since I wasn't a huge fan. Apriet had toast with salami and cheese, toast with butter, orange juice, rice, and yogurt. I definitely ate enough to be able to skip lunch, which we pretty much did unless you count chocolate as lunch, but I'll get to that. After breakfast, we tried to get WiFi so we could look up which bus stop to get off at in order to go to the Glacier Garden. However, the WiFi seemed to be out, even in the lobby where it normally works, so we decided to just go and figure it out. We got off the bus and made a short walk to the Lion Monument, which is a sculpture of a dying lion who has an extremely distressed look on its face. It was sculpted in 1820 by Lukas Ahorn to commemorate the Swiss Guards massacred in the 1792 French Revolution. Mark Twain said it was the most moving piece of rock in history, or something like that. You'll see it in the pictures. We both wanted to go pet it and comfort it, but it sits on a cliff that is located on the far side of a pond, so nobody could get to it. In addition to its terribly sad expression, the lion also reminded me of all the other animals in the world that are dying or have died at the hands of humans, be it from poaching or hunting, and that just added on a whole other level of sadness. ...Anyway, we wanted to get access to the glacier garden, because once we had a ticket, we would be able to explore the natural monument, the glacier museum, geoworld lucerne, the Amrein house, the observation tower, and Alhambra mirror maze. Tickets were 15 francs per adult, and the first time we went to the window to try and purchase a ticket, the lady thought we wanted to go to the 3D panorama of Lucerne for some reason, so she told us to go to another window that was a minute away. We thought she was saying that's where all the stuff we wanted to do was, so we tried to find it. We never did find it, but in our attempt to get back to that window, we went up a ton of stairs that led to a path through a quiet and pristine Lucerne neighborhood. We went on a pretty long stroll, but we eventually looped back around to the glacier garden, and actually purchased the tickets this time.

First up is the natural monument, a preserved area where glaciers stood during the Ice Age. The monument was uncovered by chance in 1872 when Josef Wilhelm Amrein-Troller was doing building work on a wine cellar at the site. The glacial polish, glacial potholes, and boulders found at the site prove that Switzerland was covered by glaciers during the Ice Age. Some of the potholes were gigantic, almost cave-like, and they are caused by the erosion of sand and gravel at the bottom of a glacier when the glacier's melt water seeps into the glacier through fissures. Under high pressure, the water at the bottom of the glacier forms vortices that erode the rock. Pretty wicked, no? I had fun exploring all the exhibits in the museum, reading almost everything I could. I followed along with the guide we were given when we purchased tickets, because the exhibits are numbered and you can go through and read all about the subject matter both on the guide and on the exhibit itself. Museums are so much fun. Today I learned that woolly mammoths have six sets of teeth! And because they spend so much of their life eating and chewing their food, they wear their teeth down very quickly. When one set of teeth gets worn down too much, another set moves up to take its place. And when a mammoth runs out of teeth, it can no longer eat, so it starves to death. That's why mammoths typically don't live to be more than 60 years old. Isn't that fascinating? There was also a lot of sciencey stuff in the museum about ice, snow, water, glaciers, and crystals. Pretty rad stuff. The Amrein House was where the Amrein-Troller family lived, and it was full of Renaissance furniture and Swiss historical motifs. It was built in 1874, and it was very cool to get a sneak peak into how people lived in Switzerland during the 19th century. All the furniture was super fancy, and they even had a display of models of typical old Swiss houses. They also had a room full of the different types of rocks and minerals that can be found in the Swiss Alps. After the Amrein house came the observation tower. The path up to the observation tower was as enjoyable as the tower itself. They labeled all the different types of plants you could see on the way up to the tower, and I absolutely loved it. They also had a model of a glacial mill that illustrated an old theory of how potholes are formed. There was a diorama of an old mountain hut, and an arched stone tunnel. At the top of the observation tower was a glorious view over the city of Lucerne. My favorite thing about Lucerne is that you pretty much have a solid view of the Alps from wherever you are. You can even see them in the distance towering over everything when you're standing on the city streets! It's pretty wild. After the tower, we came to the mirror maze. It was suuuuper trippy. At first I kept almost running into the mirrors because it's very hard to tell when the mirrors are reflecting back space that it looks like you can occupy. Psych. After I got the hang of it, it wasn't too hard to find my way to the exit. At the end, there's a room with four mirror-related interactive exhibits. One was just two pieces of taut string, reflected by two mirrors at a 90 degree angle, creating a triangle. When you pulled one of the mirrors closer together, narrowing the angle, the shape made from the reflection of the strings would change to a square, then a hexagon, then an octagon, and so forth. Whew, that was a lot. Apriet was hungry after leaving the Glacier Garden, and when in Switzerland... where else did we go but a Swiss chocolatier? Their truffles were super fancy, and they also had numerous other types of chocolate for sale. I considered getting a set of 5 swiss chocolate bars (3 milk chocoolate, 1 with hazelnuts, and 1 with raisins) for 8.40 francs, but it was a lot of chocolate, and I figured it would melt in the heat anyway, so I just opted for some truffles that I could finish the same day. Apriet got a single hazelnut truffle, and then we shared another bag of 8 truffles for $13.39. I had three and Apriet had five. They were all delicious, of course. You can't go wrong with Swiss chocolate, let me tell ya. All of mine were dark chocolate with different types of ganache inside. My mouth is still watering. After the chocolate store, we went to a castle tower lookout area. It was a series of nine connected towers, but only three of the towers are open to the public. It was free to go in, so we climbed the very steep stairs up to the top of the first tower to soak in more views of the city. We then walked across a rampart that was halfway up the tower in order to get to the clock tower. It was super cool to see the pendulum swinging back and forth, and the machinery that moved the hands of the clock as we climbed the tower. At the top we saw the bell, but we didn't get to see it ring since we weren't there on the hour. We made our way to the third tower and descended the stairs to the bottom. We walked along a gravel road surrounded by wildflowers, with the rooftops of Lucerne to our right, and a castle wall to our left. It felt very European. After that, we just sat on a bench by the river and watched the pigeons for a good 15 minutes. I never tire of watching birds. Their feathers are so beautiful, and the way they move turn their heads all jerkily is pretty entertaining. I also think it's fascinating that they have a top and a bottom eyelid, so watching them blink is also entertaining. We decided to go to the lake after that short break, so we made our way to a covered bridge - different than the one we crossed yesterday. This one had a souvenir store, and we bought some souvenirs. Apriet says she spent too much, but we're only going to be in Switzerland once, right? We wanted to get at least one thing from each country we visited, but we’ve already messed up because neither of us got anything from France. Oh well, we had a puppy. When we got to the lake, we decided to see how much the paddle boats cost. We agreed that if it was 20 francs or less, we would get one, since that would really only be 10 francs per person. It turned out to be 25 because it was a weekend, but we did it anyway for a half hour. Folks, we were paddle boating on Lake Lucerne among the swans, with the city all around us and the Alps in the distance. Literally couldn't have been any more peaceful or serene. We made it back in time to not get charged extra. When we paid for the boat, we had to make a 20 franc deposit, and it scared us into not returning the boat late, because there was a chance they'd just keep the deposit if we returned late. After getting off the lake, we found a restaurant in the train station that had take out, since it had been a long day and we wanted to get back to the hostel. The restaurant was self-serve - you just grab a take-out box and fill it with anything you want, then you weigh it and pay. They had all kinds of food from all over the world - pasta, eggs, seaweed salad, kimchi, quinoa salad, lentil salad, curry, carrots, bread, peas, cheesecake, mousse, you name it. We each got a box for 10 francs each, then took the bus back to the hostel where we ate our food. Tomorrow we leave Lucerne for Munich, Germany!

Good times were had by all today. :)

spoiler pls i like knowing things but not always playing them. I watch play throughs on youtube of games im interested in but can't play coz they're too scary

ok read on if you want to know about doki doki literature club and don’t mind being spoiled (so basically if you wanna know but don’t wanna play) but please be warned bc this is some wild and triggering shit. sorry if ur on mobile just pls do not read on this is ur warning

as usual my synopsis got a little long but Hey

doki doki literature club is a dating sim visual novel where you play the Generic Dating Sim Boring Bland Only-Male-In-An-All-Girls’-Club Protagonist. ur childhood friend is sayori and she convinces you to join the literature club made up of her and three of her friends (natsuki, yuri, and monika).

throughout the first few meetings you mostly play poem minigames where you try to impress one of three girls (sayori, yuri, or monika) and they give feedback on your poem depending on the words you chose (you as the player don’t actually write a poem, just choose out of a list of words you think each girl will like and it forms a poem in-game though you don’t ever get to read it). depending on which girl you appeal to you’ll get different routes.

that goes on for a good 20-30 minutes. so you’re lulled into a false sense of security. like tbh even i was like “uhhh where’s the psych horror” and im USED to the heel-face turns psych horror gives you but ddlc literally is a master at lulling u into a false comfort.

anyway so you get ready for the school festival one weekend with either yuri or natsuki. when you visit sayori that weekend she confides in you that she has chronic severe depression and that the reason she’s always late is that she can’t get out of bed most days etc. and that she’s only cheery as a coping mechanism because she thinks she’s literally worthless. she’s also in love with you and confesses to you over the weekend and you can either confess back or tell her she’s your dearest friend.

here’s the kicker bc like in most dating sims this would either trigger a route or not, depending on the consequences.

for sayori, both choices lead to the same consequence: sayori committing suicide.

this is where the game starts to get fucked up. you walk in on her and your protag p much has a panic attack right there staring at her corpse. the game force resets and you start a ‘new game’ except sayori’s sprite in the title menu is glitched out and corrupted. it seems like you’re back at the beginning of the game (route-wise) but sayori doesnt show up to walk you to school etc etc and monika is instead the one who gets you to join the literature club. some stuff is the same but over time you start heading into uncanny valley. like, glitches. random graphics errors. realistic eyes instead of anime eyes (way scarier than it sounds). dissonance in the music. comments that hint at monika being self aware. as time continues these get worse. the poems start being incredibly fucked up. the girls’ eyes and mouths (besides monika’s) start glitching out or getting fucked up graphics-wise. they ‘say’ things that you as a protag dont react to (i.e. natsuki saying “if my father knew about this, he’d beat the shit out of me” about her manga collection in the closet, and “nobody would care if she just killed herself” by yuri, etc etc) even though they’re alarming. you walk in on yuri cutting herself, writing nonsensical stream-of-consciousness bloodied poems, shit like that. anyway the game gets more and more fucked up the farther you go until yuri kills herself as well on the morning of the festival and you stand there with her corpse gradually decaying over the span of an entire weekend because your ‘script’/coding is broken.

the short and short of the game is that monika is in love with you (you the player, not you the protagonist; the protagonist pretty much ceases to exist at a certain point in the game though you get no clues that he does, since it’s so seamless, he just stops reacting or even speaking) and is self-aware. she wasn’t satisfied with being a sideline girl who was supposed to cheer for you as you romanced sayori, yuri, or natsuki, and so she messed with the game’s coding and drove the girls to insanity because she wanted to make you fall for her instead. at the end she traps you in a room in the void and has like 50 straight minutes of unlooping dialogue about different topics saying she’s happy to just stay here with you forever (as she deleted the other girls) and the only way you can exit is by deleting her character file in your Local Files folder (which then has her freaking out but then eventually restarting your game and allowing sayori and the other girls to come back------ though sayori’s position as the LC’s new president makes her self-aware and she has a freakout upon becoming self-aware).

it’s a really fucked-up and triggering game but it’s really interesting to play and like it’s affected in the real world, too, like deleting certain character files does certain things in-game, renaming them gives you secret documents and images and qr codes to look up, there’s all kinds of easter eggs, and the game itself is just really intriguing. i played it for nine straight hours going through and getting all the endings and hidden stuff LOL

but you should definitely not play it if you’re triggered or otherwise affected by glitching, self harm, suicide, abuse, blood, death, vomit, unreality, or are sensitive to bright flashing colors. there are also quite a few jumpscares so i wouldn’t recommend playing if you’re even moderately affected by them bc they’re very prominent and upsetting

and that! is doki doki literature club