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unproduciblesmackdown · 3 years

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@uberoll-oystercrackers putting this PT convo on blast just for the sake of switching to this format where u don’t have to break everything up via replies because [comically deep inhale]

honestly like idc idc i guess ppl are just like “uhh mytho’s got nothing going on b/c he has no feelings!!” like Yeah Correct, that’s a premise / inciting factor for this series and everything everyone’s doing lol, it’s only Boring if you don’t think about the character at all lmfao which i guess some ppl don’t, but like, there’s only 4 of them.....it’s Wildly Interesting that he literally has no feelings at first, like, for one thing it’s cool how there’s always the Idea of characters who don’t have emotions or act on them, but this is like the rare “realistic” situation where having no feelings means he needs someone to steer him around and make choices for him (and how Vulnerable that leaves him lmfao like episode 2 is wild but also that ppl just haven’t really realized that they Could just pick mytho up and pitch him into a wall, and fakir and rue are sort of careful neutral alliance keeping tabs on him) and you know, the whole s1 structure of mytho regaining both Capacity For / Experience of An Emotion and his sense of identity and by extent of all this his agency, and how like, Thematic everything surrounding this character is that’s reflected in the overall series like. trying to control someone for your own benefit vs being willing to sacrifice your own interests (and then some...) for their freedom & the Protecting Someone (And/Or Wanting To) As A Love Language that all the characters show for each other at various points & hope vs despair.......and like No Shit he’s dispassionate & passive b/c he can’t Feel Feelings & resultantly can’t make decisions or feel motivations but obviously he’s still Motivating other characters to act on his behalf, & there’s so much mystery & drama already in “yeah this guy you think is just a neat handsome guy is also an actual prince from a story who’s Real & sacrificed his heart in the fight with an evil giant raven monster that eats people & so he can’t feel anything or remember who he is” like damn!!! epic of him even if right now he can’t do much of anything on his own. i’m interested, and then i’m Interested every time in the Drama & Mystery of this person regaining parts of himself and completely rediscovering An Emotional Experience and how that is totally recontextualizing his entire existence for him.....

plus also even though “person literally lost heart via magic and doesn’t know what Feeling Things is” isn’t a We’ve All Been There situation i was like oh and you know it’s not like what mytho’s got going on isn’t potentially Relatable....can get into a side essay about dapressione and trauma and other types of stuff that can make it seem like someone can’t/shouldn’t have full access to their feelings / self / agency &/or it’s Dangerous if they try.....whew

but continuing on YEAH ugh just completely fascinated with mytho the Entire Time actually lol like, i’ve tended to lose steam in early s2 b/c he’s sort of Less involved beyond the [hehe time to cause some trouble in this particular ep] role lol but even so it’s like well it’s kinda fun when at least somebody’s being a bitch who lives for drama lmfaooooo & we get mytho Struggling Internally & sometimes punching through that way but again it’s like yeah oops the guy was basically autonomous but zwoop here’s a problem where that doesn’t mean shit anymore lol b/c he’s got this alternate evil self steering the ship all the time now lol got em.....the Peak of that i guess is where we get to have an epic swordfight between raven!mytho and fakir like you know what fuck yes!!! the intrinsic drama of that lmfao!!!! and then it’s like “oh no :/ loving the drama? that’s just what drosselmeyer wants” except Not b/c actually what makes it totally rule is that it’s this chance for Real Mytho to come through for the sake of protecting fakir (tbt “i wonder what i think of you, fakir”...) and really like that being what prompts fakir’s “you know what, even though before i was afraid my role as a knight would kill Me and i’m afraid my coincidental(?) role as a guy who can Reality Write could kill Anyone Else, i gotta try b/c that’s the only thing i could possibly do here and i want to try protecting everyone else b/c everyone else including mytho is protecting Me” and like augh everyone is so Thoughtful about how to try to help mytho out even as like, they can’t hardly interact with him or undo the situation lol.....as you’re getting into the series finale and everyone’s just outright Voicing things and you get “i/we want to protect mytho” like 32x and it’s beautiful each time ;___; like and well sorry but him & his heart/lack of are also the heart of the whole story here.....

and you know what *i* want to protect mytho, sympathizing with all the characters like fuck yes you’re so right, this guy rules, episode 6 aka The Fear Episode is SO good, like, you’ve gotten kinda used to the episodic format here, ep 5 did sure also make it obvious that things are Building on what’s happening prior here & that there’s stakes and stuff but it’s such a shakeup, like, that maybe just kinda sneakily dipping in and out of the arena giving back a piece of his heart until it’s done with, no problem, Isn’t Gonna Happen, and again, the Drama of it all......that the heart shards are yeah kind of their own People who are these fractions of mytho’s self and the way you interact with them is gonna like, affect things, since tutu didn’t like “resolve” things with that heart shard and just kinda got him on a technicality there lmfao so it’s like, yeah not only does mytho have a more general / abstract cause to be afraid of tutu & her bringing all these Unknowns & completely new things to him / changing things up and apparently introducing conflict, but you’ve gone and gotten his capacity for fear all recently riled up and specifically afraid of his interaction with You from 5 sec ago, and how could anyone know this mysterious magical being giving you Negative Feelings is like, Safe......and i’m sure it’s all compounding here, like, it’s Wild to be suddenly experiencing A Feeling for the (seeming) first time, and that in itself sure could be Scary, he just hasn’t had the proper emotion available with with to Be Afraid, now he’s gotten back a freshly stoked (capacity for) Fear and how off the shits it must be to be afraid for the first time anyways, or to be feeling the other stuff for the first time, and who knows what Unfun Feelings could come next, there’s a lot to freak out about.......and not like it’s trying That hard to never suggest like oh fakir's not that bad even though he’s technically an antagonist at the start b/c of being at odds with / against the protagonist, it’s pretty telling there lol like he’s unhappy with mytho having feelings again at all and has already been getting mad about it but is just being Helpful here and trying to comfort him, like aw that’s neat i think it’s nice, and again throwing it back to “I Wonder What I Think Of You, Fakir” you get fakir reassuring mytho that nobody but him is around, and mytho having this capacity for Fear is choosing to confide in fakir re: what he’s dealing with here (not that this would on it’s own be some guarantee that mytho’s Right to be unafraid of fakir, but, knowing all we eventually know...) like again lol it’s funny that drosselmeyer’s loving the Drama of mytho only having regained Negative Feelings like, i mean i’m soaking it in as well but it’s like, that guy’s all about Angst and it’s like no im here all about the Hurt/Comfort more like, thank you lmfao

it’s also SO good how it’s like, the next episode is turning around & giving the story a way forward not by like, oh let’s just counteract this Fear mytho’s struggling with by returning the....emotion of Courage i guess, but rather by giving him back Curiosity to ultimately lead to him actually seeking a conversation with tutu.......and it’s like AUGH it’s soooo fun that he goes to that river and has a conversation with his own heart shard lmfao like that’s you!!! and that You does not realize you’re them!!! that’s wild and i love it......wait i took low res screenshots when i rewatched this a few weeks ago lmfao

i Love it lmfao like it’s Such a good choice to have him not only have lost his Emotions but also memories / knowledge of who he, himself, even is.....like yeah man it was all on you to fight this heart eating raven monster!!!!!!!!! which you know, it’s also Fun that earlier in that episode when he and fakir are hanging out in the secret Problems Mill (which....fakir is hilarious like that lmfao. whole other tangent here like ppl are not only rolling with Animals As People but stuff like “yeah fakir might just be like ‘oops gotta go!’ and whisk mytho away to various out of the way Locations” like lmfao these teens have some free rein, but it’s nothing compared to s2 where it’s like “They Were Roommates but ig fakir tried to kill mytho who’s now being really dramatic and weird which is v different from before and maybe he’s in love with that one random dude who’s around now, which sucks for everyone else, oops now he’s just like Vanishing for god knows how long at a time it’s fine!!!!” lmfao like god. ballet school just is like that sometimes...) anyways Yeah that mytho’s been having nightmares about the raven and fakir is just going like IT’S FINE JUST DON’T THINK ABOUT IT lol and knowing fakir is also being pretty driven / restricted by fear, reasonably, as he thinks (well. and is correct) that he’s The Knight and his fate is literally written as “yeah if the story gets going and you’re a part of it you’ll just be killed” like yeah, oof......Wonder What I Think Of You Fakir like yeah AND he is that knight you actually did know who was suddenly killed trying to protect you and he’s sorta accepted that role again except he’s not really a fan of that Being Killed thing so here we’re having some issues in his misguided approach here re: Mytho Should Not Get His Heart Back, but he’s also trying to protect them Both from the story, and he’s only So Willing to act Against mytho, like, well hey thanks for apologizing after you hit him and then like, not doing that anymore lol, v reasonable how he’s struggling here lol where he’s trying to Protect mytho but the story a) wants to invite tragedy and b) has already said that The Knight has been / will be killed and can’t actually protect the prince within the story, also c) he’s just like one random high school guy out here......and also that it must just be kinda hard to adapt to this changing situation where mytho Is regaining this sense of self and motivation, but for like the past decade or whatever he Has needed fakir to just be in charge and tell him what to do all the time and, if he had the sense of what it was to trust someone, trust fakir to just always be acting in his best interest, but then mytho’s idea of his own best interest a) starts to Exist and b) is at odds w/fakir’s b/c also c) he doesn’t have All his feelings yet, Or all his memories, while fakir is like “noooo i know the story”.....like there was never any need to just like tell him he sucks at random times lol but it’s also kind of funny that’s just part of fakir’s shtick, calling mytho a dumbass one more time when he’s just fully himself as The Prince again lmfaooo. but prior to that, surely fakir could wonder what mytho thinks of him (or potentially Could think of him) too.......it’s just soooo good when mytho is like, expressing things verbally while trying to work through / figure out Feelings and even ones that he doesn’t have back yet, and it’s always fun how that inevitably throws off whatever character he’s musing about this to......including whenever ahiru’s just like “oh fuck yes he can do this b/c he has more feelings back now, that rules” and/or “aw :( he’s struggling w/this b/c he only has Some of his heart back”

and also that reminds me it’s SO good when the characters just kinda get to Do Something together lmfao like. ahiru and rue hanging out when looking for mytho that one time, iconic stuff, mytho and ahiru hanging out in the previous episode, iconic, maybe it kills me that in the first ep of s2 you have mytho saying ahiru’s his friend and the only person he feels like he can tell anything (and ahiru feeling bad she hasn’t Told Him Everything lol) and then he basically never gets to interact with her again knowing and as himself like Scream it’s fine ;v; !!!!!! let these people spend more than 3 seconds together Interacting lmfao it’s soooo good when they do :’0

and THEN you get into how there’s all this stuff re: The Story, like, fakir is the reincarnated knight, ahiru is the duck given tutu’s abilities Via a piece of mytho’s heart, but we had the original knight and tutu in the story as these actual ppl who we only hear a Little bit of lore about, but mytho actually knew / knows, and like, the original genesis for tutu only being on 1 Page of the story and apparently drosselmeyer doesn’t even really put any thought into what her motivations could be lol like yeah idk whatever she wants to marry the prince or whatever so that’s why she loves him and Says It and disappears......and like we have almost No direct info about her but uh nbd at least some of her actual essence is actually now an intrinsic part of mytho’s actual heart and specifically embedded in the heart shard of Hope, like damn!!!! you Know there was something more Real and Complex going on there and i love it so much.......and the original Knight, lohengrin.....might have been doomed to be unable to protect mytho with his sword, but there’s other ways to protect that guy and Someone needed to be doing it.......i’m just like wow mytho’s gf and bf!!!! and they both sort of died but hey. there’s still a lot to think about

so yeah lmfao love that you can originally see this series like, a decade ago and here it is like damn still lying down / yelling / generally riled up about mytho and just having So Much to think about / appreciate from this series like. it’s so Singular and has so much going on.......cherish it and i’m just still anytime like [epcot vine voice] Mytho...........

#uberoll-oystercracker #princess tutu

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babyitsacrime · 4 years

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1, 22, 23, and 43 for the OC asks.

First off, I apologize for my absolutely atrocious grammar here and also the fact that I just can’t seem to put things into words.

Secondly I wrote this in a different app and then copy pasted so the formatting is a little whack.

1. Your first OC ever?

Oh gosh this one is a little hard to answer. I think Natalia’s my first OC that I ever fully wrote well but me and my friends used to write a lot of stories/fanfiction in middle school so I have some characters from there too that might be older than Nat. Also there’s like three different versions of Nat (Quizup, Next Gen, and the Nat I have now) , and again the one I have right now is by far the most developed/closest to a whole character.

Okay but I talk about Nat a lot so even though I’m not sure which one actually came first I’ll talk about a character I had in the Homestuck fanfiction my friends and I wrote in middle school. (before you ask, yes it’s the 100 page one I’m pretty sure) (also I’m ignoring the self inserts me n my friends made for our other stories bc those don’t count as ocs and I refuse to accept them as characters dhdksjdjs) But basically she’s a troll named Ninmah Aurora. She was heavily based off of Kanaya Maryam, the iconic Homestuck vampire fashion designer lesbian character so that was interesting. And even though I didn’t actually write that much for her she’s one of my favorite characters because I had so much fun writing her with my friends. Anyways can’t believe I just exposed myself as a Homestuck stan on main but you know what it’s fine.

22. Is there any OC of yours that people tend to mischaracterize? If yes, how?

Okay there’s a couple and most of them are small things so I’ll just go by character.

Natalia -

let me just start by saying this: it still baffles me why y’all think she’s cool cshdjsj. She’s kinda a dumb bitch if I’m being honest. Like, don’t get me wrong, she’s super smart and could easily outwit me and honestly any of us, but she’s also plain stupid sometimes in other ways. But like, on the other side of the coin I feel like she almost doesn’t get taken seriously sometimes? I feel like that’s a little on me for usually making jokes at her expense but while she is clueless as to how people function she’s also not plain dumb. A lot of what she says and does is well calculated and even when she does something in the spur of the moment it’s always something logical to her. Hn I don’t know if I’m explaining this right but 🤷♀️. But basically she’s not really cool but also she’s not stupid. (Okay ig being good at Quidditch is pretty cool but that’s not my point)

Also I don’t know why but some people (very few people but it’s still annoying to me) seem to think that her being bi is a huge part of her personality when it’s really not. While she is bi, not everything she does is motivated by that fact if that makes any sense. Like for example, if she’s wearing be a rainbow dress it’s not because she’s (and I quote) "team gay" it’s because she liked the damn dress. Okay I’m rambling now but all I’m saying is that it kinda annoys me when people see her being bi as a hugely defining personality trait. Also she isn’t the only character I notice this happens to.

Ishaan -

Similarly to Nat, whole he does enjoy pranking and such, he’s actually a serious person most of the time. Think of him as more of like a serious and skeptical person who also has a good sense of humor. Although I will say that he does sometimes go out of his way to make a joke sometimes, that’s only sometimes and mostly just to annoy Priya.

Lysander -

Another case of the being gay isn’t his personality. Also??? He’s not gay??? I don’t really know where that came from (like I know who mentioned it to me but I have no clue where she got that from aside from just assuming?) for the record, he is also bi and has a slight preference for girls (mostly bc he likes having an s/o shorter than him but we won’t go into that rn). *slams fists on table* jUST BECAUSE HES FUNNY DOESNT MEAN HES THE TOKEN GAY FRIEND OKAY (okay okay I’m done ranting time to continue)

I also feel like his joking nature is often seen as a sign of him not being as a lack of intellect, but that is in no way true. While he isn’t a genius or anything, he’s a little smarter than average, yet still prone to making dumb decisions because he is still a child. But with more life experience he’ll make smarter decisions while still retaining a joking demeanor.

Priya -

I’m going to keep this one short, but she isn’t as cold and cruel as I sometimes make her seem when I talk about her. I feel like this one’s mostly on me but yeah, she’s a caring person for the most part, just a little misguided and/or dramatic at times.

~I think that’s all of them but I might be wrong? Also none of those explanations make a lot of sense I’m sorry 😔~

23. Introduce an OC that has changed from what your first idea considering what the character would be like.

*drags Nat out again* Here you go.

So I mentioned earlier that there’s like three different versions of her, but in all reality they almost feel like different characters with the same name. However I will say that Next Gen Nat and the Nat I have now (I like to call it her final form bc I think I’m finally happy with her) are similar in many many aspects. But I’ll talk about this Nat because I like her the best and she’s the only Nat I actively use. She was originally intended to be a lot colder/closed off than she is. (Think a lot closer to Aster, but I think pep also had a similar thing with him.) She just ended up becoming a lot softer and a little friendlier than I intended her to be. I’m not exactly unhappy with that though, I feel like this actually added a bit more dimension to her character and it actually gave me a little more room to improve her. It was also bound to happen anyways, especially with the characters she’s friends with/will be friends with. So yeah, it’s interesting and honestly I feel like I’m happy with the changes from what I originally intended her to be.

Hm while I’m here I guess I should also talk about Taemoon.

I don’t know that his personality changed much from my original intent, but his story and intent definitely did. He started as a character that exuded a lack of hope. I don’t know if that sentence makes a lot of sense, but he was originally going to have no chance at happiness in the end. He was supposed to let all of his anger and hurt consume him, making him hell bent on revenge, which would only push him further from anything that could make him happy, but I feel like the end of his story is a lot more hopeful now. I don’t know exactly what it is, but ever since pep asked if Jae Hong could adopt him Taemoon’s life story has become something a lot less disheartening. Now I’ve given him a lot more to live for, and a lot more to make him happy. First off, instead of being alone he now has a family that he quickly grows to trust, and a group of friends with similar experiences that basically become family as well. While he is still very revenge driven, he has a lot more to his life than just that; most importantly he has people he trusts that will keep him from becoming consumed by all of his anger. But yeah, he has become a much more hopeful character as a whole and honestly. I feel like that’s what I really needed. Idk about everyone else but I feel like changing his story to the way it is now really has helped me to feel a lot better in general.

43. Do you have any certain type when you create your OCs? Do you tend to favor certain traits or looks?

Oh god it’s time to confess 😔🤙

So, as most of you have figured out, most of my ocs tend to be very attractive and very capable (and willing) to step on me. If they’re not that then they’re in the minority.

Aside from being physically attractive as a whole, I’d say that in regards to looks, the more they look like they haven’t slept in weeks and are ready to kill a man, the better. If not that, then it’s an oc that looks like I could cuddle with them for hours on end. There’s no in between.

As for traits I tend to favor, probably the most popular is a bad attitude. If you take a look at some of my most used and/or favorite characters, you’ll find that in most cases the snarkier the better. Honestly this is true of characters that aren’t even mine, I just really have a type. At the same time though, I like these characters to have a secret soft side even if it’s only for one other character they care about. On the flip side, I also like writing characters that are genuinely the nicest people you’ll ever meet. I don’t know why but I just love them so much they are truly my children.

Also. Characters that grin in the face of danger? *chefs kiss* I like characters where you question if what they’re doing is out of courage or a death wish. For this reason so many of my characters play some kind of dangerous sport or enjoy dueling, you get what I mean. This goes for both my Edgy™️ characters as well as my soft characters.

Additionally, I do have a lot of characters that are wealthy. Uh. I think that mostly speaks for itself so I’m not going to comment on it any further than this.

Also. Flowers. For some reason I go for faceclaims that eat flowers. It’s not even something I actively seek out??? Like I’ll find someone cute and I’ll be scrolling through pictures and there they are. Eating a flower. This mostly goes for my guy fcs but yeah. Idk how it happens but it just does and I’ve come to accept it.

#aaaaaa thanks kelly!!!!#also shdjshshsh thats a lot longer than i intended it to be oh boy #natalia #ishaan #priya #lysander #taemoon #bitch boy #answered #writing rambles

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koolkvat-blog · 5 years

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hello loves , what’s up ! i’m super excited to be here & to finally play my precious girl , jade aka kool kat . i’m LOLA , use she / her prounouns , i am NINETEEN , & i am currently in the gmt + 1 timezone which means yes , my ass should’ve been awake for intro posting but i don’t know what time management is and ended up swamped w/ work , so ! everything you need to know about about miss kat is under the cut , & i’m rlly thrilled to be apart of such a wonderful rp with such gorgeous muses . corniness over –– if you’re looking to plot sumn out , just hit that ♥︎ & i’ll make my way on over to ur dms , or feel free to add me up on discord which i’ll give in im’s if anybody’s interested ! ♡♡♡ tw : family issues , body image issues & drug mention ( not explicit ) .

001 . SYNOPSIS . FULL NAME . jade kikuchi . NICKNAMES . kool kat . AGE . twenty - one . DATE OF BIRTH . twenty - seventh of september , 1993 / libra . PLACE OF BIRTH . harajuku , tokyo , japan . GENDER . cisgender female . SEXUALITY . ( closeted ) pansexual . NATIONALITY . japanese , now american too after successfully gaining citizenship . ETHNICITY . asian . OCCUPATION . fashion designer at katz designz , former fashion design and journalist student back in her original timeline . PLAYLIST . here ! ( + ) charismatic , enthusiastic , warm , energetic , adventurous , compassionate , animated . ( - ) deceptive , independent , emotional , territorial , ambitious , impulsive , temperamental , insecure , sarcastic .

002 . AESTHETIC . wheatgrass smoothies , 90′s anime with subtitles , chanel no. 5, speeding on a desert road with the windows down , painting your toenails on the dashboard , neon prints , cat lazing on a balcony in the sun , black lace , japanese horror films , sour cocktails with sugar around the rim , half - smoked cigarettes , stacks of fashion magazines , long hair hastily dyed different colours in a motel bathroom , thrift stores .

003. INFORMATION .

tl;dr : a flighty, inattentive adventurer: a follower of whims; personable and sociable but lacks the skills to maintain relationships because she’s entirely (and perhaps too) career focused, checks her horoscope daily and entirely relies on the stars when concerning relationships, epitome of a britney spears / gwen stefani stan back in the 2000′s, still owns a (bedazzled) flip phone, collector of vintage fashion (chanel, elle, juicy couture etc.) a subscriber to the Leonardo Da Vinci sleeping method; catch her at 2 am making soufflés or buying plane tickets to shiwei so she can really experience the culture: will tell you she loves you ten minutes after first introduction because she’s high: kind of unintentionally insensitive to those she doesn’t know and closed off but in like a cool, lovable way.

• heads up im running on like 5 hrs sleep so sry when this inevitably derails ! ok sweet let’s get into this .

• so as aforementioned this is jade kukichi, aka, kool kat. she was dubbed that by her friends due to her unique fashion style and sense of dress, and it’s stuck. lbr nobody other than her friends can use that term so if you do, she’s just going to stare at u for a quick sec before saying ‘it’s jade’.

• born in harajuku, tokyo to a cardiothoracic surgeon of a father and a politician of a mother, jade grew up traveling the world and becoming flighty af, never thinking she was going to make long - term friends and kinda being okay with that.

• her family has never stayed in one place for very long, though her aging parents eventually settled into a permanent residence in the us around the time she turned sixteen, not soon enough for jade to break the habit of wandering, but thankfully quick enough for her to meet the bratz girls who were just as adventurous and fun - loving as she. she's spent much of her teen life jumping from place to place wherever her interests are that moment, collecting people along the way, but to find friends was the only thing she was missing. jade has a brilliant mind, but she lacks patience and follow through. she needs guidance or she'll jump from idea to idea, job to job, whim to whim.

• ngl, jade pretty much hated her home life. her parents were an overbearing presence in her life, her mother wanting jade to be a proper lady who also went into a profession like theirs (entirely serious and stifling when it came to creativity, doctor, politician, lawyer etc.) while jade herself wanted to check out the latest trends and go to the mall w her friends – so she turned all of her focus and energy into getting good grades in everything she wanted to do in the hopes that she could be the most successful fashion designer, then leaving town forever.

• like she spent 7 yrs in high school graduating w honours but she barely knew what was happening in 9/10 of her classes and sometimes she just slept through classes and then wing her exams which she miraculously did well at. it was just not a good idea to send jade to a public school at 11 after being in boarding school for the rest of her life and then never really enforce any rules :~\ she has trouble with that kind of thing.. as in making logical choices instead of saying "YEAH lets go watch american psycho and smoke weed!" skipping chemistry to do just that

• she loves fun and values doing what makes her happy over most things. it's hard to pin her down and she spends most of her life chasing after ideas that don't really follow any sort of conscious order, bc she’s really got that ‘i’ve got dreams and i’m gonna do everything in my power to achieve them’ personality.

• according to bratz canon she’s worked as literally everything ? she’s one of those insufferable people who r just. good everything ig and that’s just how it is on this bitch of an earth. jade’s been a photographer, a song - writer and bass player in a rock band (shout out to bratz rock angelz the best movie w the best soundtrack ever), a student studying fashion design, a fashion columnist, a quickly fired nanny, and many other things in between.

• so when she appears in toonsville she’s kind of out of it that she’s not doing something w her skills and sets up her own business which she loves ? being her own boss suits her fine (for now) because she’s got a Real Job and she's actually trying rly hard so she can fulfill her dreams !! like suck it mom nd dad haha !!!

• jade has a lot of weird feelings TM about her body and her looks and struggles a lot with her self confidence :~( she had a shit time at school with boys saying she was too thin and she compensated by acting like she didn't like anyone at all for a while and now she thinks she isn't good enough for anyone when rly she is a cinnamon bun too good for this world too pure

• best friend ever she is so good at being a friend if u text her at 3am to go out or cry on her shoulder shes ready to go at 3:15 even if she was sleeping w lots of snacks and treats and love!!! she is sooo extroverted around those she’s comfortable w, she gains so much energy from being around people and she loves being nice and being around ppl she likes

• she becomes the mom of groups pretty easily (hence why she’s the leader of the bratz) bc she bottles up most of her own problems to help ppl with theirs!! which is toxic yea but she puts people first always so !! plz help her poor repressed soul!! rip kool kat..

• still super into the stuff of her time so like.. she loves the x files and bad reality tv shows (i want to be a hilton) and reads gossip magazines on the reg because she enjoys that stuff! also very into girl groups.. ginger spice / posh spice is an eternal mood.

• anyway yes sweet adult-child of 21 (she is in denial about that tho like she doesn't want to be childish) who is v nice v kind v loyal v baked a lot of time, v passionate v silly. idk what i'm doin hope u like it < 3

004. WANTED CONNECTIONS .

friends / best friends / ride or dies . jade genuinely loves people, loves talking to strangers and getting into intense conversations with people she’s only just met, learning other people’s way of life and bettering herself for getting. she is, however, incredibly blunt and has never once minced words to keep from hurting someone’s feelings or to ease them into a situation. she’d much rather have a one-time conversation with a stranger than make long lasting relationships. she has three very close friends – to the point of co - dependence – and honestly, she’d rather spend all of her time doing things she loves such as her hobbies, sticking her nose into the latest vogue, or searching for cute collars and treats for her cat mica w them instead of making new friends. she's also FUN and she'd be happy to go on crazy road trips or buy out a movie theater for a day or anything that she thinks will her buds happy. she's traveled all over, so she’s v well read and cultured. she loves people but she hates complication and won't deal with any sort of emotional labor. she wants to live in the moment and expects everyone in her life to do so as well. just be chill, y'all.

frenemies / enemies / rivals . please be her enemy, she needs people to antagonize shdhshd. she grew up pretty much affluent so she’s pretty spoiled even if she doesn’t want to admit it, and that rebellious side of her hasn’t died down yet. despite the fact that she is wealthy and in good community standing, she has a hard time letting go of childish grudges. in general she’s got a lot of suppressed feelings and ready to fight everyone who hurts her friends – like an irritated cat – so, honestly, come at her ? she is sometimes a little fickle and flighty and a unintentionally stuck up when it comes to art / fashion and she has definitely said the wrong thing at the wrong time and pissed the wrong people off, she can’t stand anyone underestimating her or thinking she’s dumb bc she’s interested in fashion. like gtfo !

ex’s , fwb’s , possible love interests . jade is fairly fluid romantically and is the type of person who hates labels but also just wants to be cherished and called cute pet names lowkey. she loves a lot and gives a lot to her relationships, but typically doesn't want to commit to anything important. she’s gone from one disastrous relationship to another, ending up with a boyfriend who constantly ridiculed her image that was essentially the catalyst for her cutting off romantic ties, quite a recent wound before she found herself on the island actually. worst thing is tht she’s convinced herself that she’s been the problem in these relationships – that she turns good people bad or that she is too much for people to deal with, she’s not sure what the issue is and she doesn’t really want to know. so…. fuck everything amirite ? anyway, she’s a strong independent woman who don’t need no (wo)man.

etc . pls give me people jade can give a makeover to, people she shares an apartment w on the island, people who think fashion is girly and vapid.. creatives who love what she’s doing, anything tbh << 3

#cartoons:intro #ngl making jade's playlist was the best part about this

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supernatural-jackles · 7 years

Text

Hey Handsome

Title: Hey Handsome

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 3,505

Warnings: Angst, General Sadness, Vulnerable!Dean, Self-loathing, Fluff.

Summary: You and Dean are similar in so many aspects. When you find him sitting on the kitchen floor in the bunker late one night, staring at pictures of the past. You can’t help the confessions that escape passed your lips and still deny everything you feel.

Request by @naadestiel: Can i request a Dean one shot with angst and possibly some fluff? I don't care how long it is or what it's about. All i care is that you have written it because then it has to be good!

Prompt: “It’s late. Shouldn’t you be asleep?”

A/N: The Reader is literally the female version of Dean. Feedback is greatly appreciated. I hope y’all enjoy this one!! Happy Reading! :)

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Your feet padded against the cold, concrete floor of the bunker. You tightened Dean’s robe around your body, knowing he wouldn’t be home to rip you a new one for wearing it, let alone for going in his room without his permission. You had spilled coffee all over yours and had to throw it in the wash, only to find that you were out of detergent. You figured you’d step out in the morning and grab some from the store before the boys got home from their hunt and everything would be good as new.

It was a nightly routine of yours to make a cup of peppermint tea before bed when you were home in the bunker. It seemed to help you calm down before settling down for the night. You had already showered, your hair still wet and pushed to one side of your head. You relished in the smell of the robe covering your body. It smelled just like Dean and you hated to admit just how much you missed him when he wasn’t around.

It wasn’t good for you to miss him the way you did. Hunter’s weren’t supposed to grow attached to anyone and you knew that very well, being a hunter yourself and losing more people than you care to think about. You couldn’t let these feelings you were having for the older Winchester cloud your judgement. You also couldn’t put him in that situation, and ruin the friendship that had developed between the two of you over a few words.

The smell of the robe brought you a sense of comfort, which was something you weren’t used to. Being comfortable. Allowing something to comfort you. It made you realize just how screwed up you and your life really was. What you would do to be normal for just one day. What you would do to even experience some sort of normal.

You stepped down into the kitchen, noticing the bottle of beer on the counter that wasn’t there before. You furrowed your brows as a hand came up, reaching for the beer before bringing it down. You pulled your phone and looked at the time, realizing it was just after midnight, which a damn near shock. Had you really been that busy all day?

And who was sitting on the floor on the other side of the counter? Why did the knives have to be on the other side of the kitchen? Just please don’t be a monster.

You circled around the island, only to find Dean sitting on the floor with a couple of empty bottles of beer and some photographs scattered on his lap. He hadn’t noticed you yet, and you were thankful for that. For a moment, he looked like a kid again, looking at some old pictures and reminiscing in the past for a little while. But there was this dark sadness that fell over him and you could see it in the way his shoulders slumped. Your heart ached in your chest at the sight of him, wanting to take some of that pain he was feeling away, even if it was just for a little while. You wanted to make him smile just once, and even if it was for a split second. You cast your eyes down for a moment before taking a step forward.

“Hey handsome,” you breathed out, shifting your weight on the balls of your feet. His eyes left the photo he had in his hand and met yours. You could see he was clearly upset about something, but trying to hide it as quickly as possible before you could grow concerned, not that you weren’t already.

“It’s late. Shouldn’t you be asleep?” he said gruffly, bring his bottle of beer up to his lips.

“Lost track of time,” you told him. “I came to make a cup of tea before heading to bed. Didn’t think you’d be home until tomorrow.”

“Didn’t want to stop for the night,” he told you. Your heart clenched in your chest at the sight of him. He was trying to make it seem like he was tired and not bothered by something. Dean never wanted to burden those around him by sharing how he felt and it hurt you to know he thought his feelings and worries didn’t matter.

You maneuvered around the kitchen, boiling the water in the kettle while grabbing your mug and the peppermint tea bag that you enjoyed so much. The whole process took a mere five minutes before you were ready to move on. Instead of heading to your room like you had initially planned to, you rounded the counter once more, finding Dean in the same spot, drinking that very same beer. You dared to take a few steps towards him, bending down to take a seat right next to him, not wanting him to be alone. Not wanting him to feel like his feelings were burdening to anyone.

“You’re not okay, are you Dean?” you whispered, your eyes locked on his form. His tongue peeked passed his lips, wetting his bottom lip as he stared down at the arrangement of pictures on his lap. He didn’t bother to respond and you already knew your answer anyways. You just didn’t know how you could fix this. Dean was always the glue that kept you together. You had no idea how he did it; how you could do the same. “You know, I’m here for you, always.”

“I know,” he breathed out, almost inaudibly.

“Do you know that I’d never judge you for what’s going in that pretty head of yours?” you reassured him.

“You don’t want to know what’s going on up here, sweetheart,” he let out a dry laugh. It was almost sad the amount he didn’t try to hide it.

“What makes you think that?” you questioned. “There is nothing you could say to me that would change the way I see you, Dean Winchester.” He scoffed, not bothering to say another word. You were scared of pushing him too far; of pushing him away from you.

You placed your mug on the floor beside you, your tea being far too hot to drink at the moment. You slipped your hand into Dean’s lap, carefully reaching for his hand, linking your fingers with his before leaning over, resting your head on his shoulder.

“Seeing those pictures in front of you makes me wish that things had turned out a little different,” you started. “Life is made up of these choices that determine who we are and the way the rest of our lives will turn out. Whether it be good or bad; right and wrong. Sometimes I feel like I’ve made all the bad ones, you know? I look at that picture of you and your mom and see how proud she is of you, and just how much she loved you. I can see all that from a picture. Everything I have ever done in the time I had with my parents was all to make them proud, to make them love me and accept me and in the end they never did. I think that’s part of why I became a hunter. Because I knew I would never make my mom and dad proud.” You had no idea why you just told him that, or why you even brought it up in the first place. But you knew Dean was listening, clinging onto every word you said.

“Your parents were assholes anyways, Y/N,” he told you.

“Yeah, they were. But I grew up where everyone else had parents that loved them and I was jealous. I think that’s a huge reason why I’m so screwed up, you know. I couldn’t get my parents to love me and that’s why I know no one else is going to either. I mean look at me. I can’t keep a guy longer than one night and I have to be drunk to get through it.”

“It’s not like I can keep a relationship either,” he chuckled.

“You had Lisa, Dean. You had Lisa for a year and that’s more than I can ever say I’ve had. And I hate admitting that I want that. I hate that I want it and, I hate that I know I won’t have it. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. I mean it’s not like I’m proud of any of this by any means and I know there is a definite chance that you’re going to hold all of this against me.”

“I’m not going to hold this against you, sweetheart. You have my word on that one,” he assured you, squeezing your hand for extra emphasis. “I had no idea you felt that way, first of all. But you know what? I get it. More than you know.” He squeezed your hand once more, taking a deep breath. “On the hunt, we ran into someone who knew our parents a long, long time ago. Knew things about them that I didn’t even know about, or even remotely remember. I don’t know. I look at these and think back on what would have happened if mom would have never made that deal. If we would have had both of them growing up, how our lives would have been different. We have lost so much, so many people and it’s never going to stop. It’s days like this where I wonder if I’m doing more harm than good. If I should give up, pack it all in.”

“Some days it’s not enough to tell yourself you’re doing a good thing. That you’re saving more people and if it weren’t for us, they would be dead. But what about us? What about what we want?” you asked. “When do we get to live?”

“I don’t think we’re going to get that far, sweetheart. I mean look at everyone we have ever known. Ninety five percent of them are dead,” he said softly. “It’s kinda scary how you could pry into my head like that.”

“Wasn’t trying to. Like you said, it’s late, and I should’ve been asleep by now. Late night conversations are always deep and insightful in some way. ‘Sides, I like talking to you. You get me,” you giggled.

“Talking to you ain’t so bad either,” his voice was sincere and that made you smile. “Gotta ask you though, why are you wearing my robe?”

“Oh shit,” you breathed out. “I spilled coffee on mine this morning and we’re out of laundry detergent. I’m sorry, but I knew where yours was and I’m sorry I went in your room but I needed something to wear because I get cold.”

“It’s okay. Looks good on you,” he chuckled.

“It smells like you too, and I guess I kinda missed you while you were gone.” Fuck.

“Oh really?” he let out a laugh, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Must you cheapen the moment?”

“Always,” he stated. “Look, I know you think pretty low of yourself too, Y/N and I really wish you didn’t. You’re not screwed up and just because your parents couldn’t see how amazing you are, doesn’t mean that someone else won’t.”

“But I’m never going to find out, Dean. I’m more of a hit it and quit it, no names exchanged and a bottle of cheap tequila later. No one is going to want to settle down with me. No one in their right mind would torture themselves that way. We’re hunter’s Dean. We don’t get to have that luxury. As much as I want to have someone to come home to and curl up next to at night, it’s just a dream.”

“What about me? You can always curl up next to me at night,” he suggested lowly.

“I can’t do that, Dean,” you said, almost inaudibly.

“Why not?”

“Because I want to, and I’ll get comfortable with that and then something will happen to you to take you away from me, and I don’t think I could handle that,” you confessed. Your eyes cast down to your lap, not daring to look at him after the words escaped passed your lips.

“I’ve died hundreds of times, Y/N. I’m still here,” he reminded you, nudging your shoulder.

“Doesn’t mean it’s not going to rip my heart out the next time,” you smiled weakly. You reached over, grabbing one of the pictures on Dean’s lap, bringing it closer to you. It was a picture of the three of you at Bobby’s house long before it burned down. The three of you were sitting on the couch, you in between both brother’s. It felt like just yesterday you were there with him. The three of you were taking the night to watch the Indiana Jones movies. Dean had gone full out and bought every movie snack known to man. That night, you felt that sense of normal you wanted. Just spending the night with your family, laughing and enjoying a couple of movies. You let out a breath, “I think I’ve shared enough tonight to last another few years. Don’t stay up too late, okay Dean?”

“What? Yeah, no I’m heading to bed in a bit,” he assured you.

“Night.”

You stood up, reaching for your tea before heading down the dark empty halls to your bedroom. Your tea was the perfect temperature to drink and you certainly needed it. You were a little on edge after talking to Dean because of all the things you let slip to him. You were the worst at this time of night. Your tired brain not being able to process what you were saying before saying it. You practically told Dean that you felt something more for him and that there was suicide. Not only could you have just ruined your friendship with him, but you potentially just ruined everything you had going for you here. Your hunting partners, the roof over your head. You didn’t want him to look at you like you were the girl who had a stupid crush on him.

You heard a light tap on your door, causing you to look up, only to find a tall, handsome man standing in your doorway. His soft green eyes meeting yours as he shoved both his hands in his front jean pockets. You swallowed hard, wondering just what he was doing here in your room. Was he going to ask you to leave in the morning? Did you make him uncomfortable?

“Did you need your robe back?” you questioned lowly.

“No, that’s okay. Keep it until yours is washed,” he reassured you. “I don’t know if this is the alcohol talking, or whatever, I just have to know before I let myself overthink it.”

“What do you need to know?”

“If you feel it. Whatever it is; or isn’t between us. I need to know if you feel it or if I’m making it all up. Do you?” he rambled out. You felt your heart ache in your chest once more. He was standing there, looking more vulnerable than you had ever seen him, throwing caution into the wind, asking you if you felt something more for him. You took a deep breath, trying to think about what to say to him. You knew exactly how you felt and that was the most complicated thing about it.

“Yes, I feel it,” you nodded. “And I know it’s wrong to feel this way. I’ve tried so hard to push it far away and I try not to think about it. But I can’t deny that I miss you when you’re not around in a different way than I miss Sam. I can’t deny the way wearing your stupid robe gave me comfort because it smells just like you. But I have lost so many people and I refuse to let you be another one. Because I know if I let myself feel this, if I say those three words to you right now, you’re going to leave and I would rather die. I’d rather die alone than ever lose you.”

“And if I say them?” he said, his voice void of all emotions. Your eyes flicked up at him, not wanting to miss a single movement of his.

“Please don’t,” you mouthed to him, tears welling in your eyes.

“Why not?”

“Because if you say them, then I’m going to give in and I’m going to let myself fall harder and deeper and before I know it, it will be too late to get myself out. Because I know I could never say no to you. Because this is what I have wanted for the longest time and I’m too damn scared to ruin everything,” you revealed. Your voice filled with defeat.

Dean stepped into your room, making his way over to your bed. He took a seat in front of you, removing his hands from his pockets. “When I said that you weren’t a screw up and that someday someone would find you amazing and love you for who you are; I was talking about me, okay? Because I do. I love you, scars and all. I love you,” he breathed out. You could sense the hesitation in his voice, followed by the worry and the hidden pain behind it. Dean didn’t share his feelings with just anyone. “And if you say it back, if you feel the same, if you want to give this a try; I promise you, I’m not going to leave you. I’m not going to go and get myself killed. It’s just like you said, what about us? When do we get to live? Sweetheart, this would be living. You gotta open up that heart to someone. Let me all the way in.”

A single tear slipped down your cheek at his words. You knew he was right. He usually was. But what really got to you was the look of hope on his face. The look of someone who wanted this more than anything. You didn’t think you deserved a man like him. Someone as loyal and kindhearted as him. But he deserved to have someone who would love him the way you did. Because you knew without even really knowing what love was, that you were in love with Dean Winchester. Would it really be so wrong to let yourself have this even if it hurt in the end?

“I love you, too,” you whispered, not trusting your voice to not waver. Watching the smile spread across Dean’s face the second he registered what you said had to have been the most beautiful things you had ever seen. You saw the relief wash over him, his tense shoulder relaxing. Your heart was pounding against your chest, not being able to believe those words just came out of your mouth.

His hand came up to you face, cupping your jaw. His thumb brushed over your cheek, wiping away the tear that managed to slip down. His touch sent electricity through you and made your stomach do flips. Dean leaned over, closing the space between you before brushing his lips gingerly over yours. You responded almost instantly, your hand slipping around his back as you pressed firmly into the kiss. In all the times you imagined this moment, nothing compared to this. Nothing compared to the way you felt. It was sweet, slow, and somehow reassuring that everything was going to be okay. That everything was going to work, at least for the moment.

He pulled away, pressing his forehead to yours as he breathed out, not able to compress his smile, “Pepperminty.”

You let out a laugh, “peppermint tea before bed.”

“Let’s get you to bed,” he muttered, pressing a kiss to the top of your head before taking your hand. You furrowed your brows, wondering just what he meant since you were already on your bed. “My bed is a lot more comfortable and I have lots of room.”

Without another word, you followed him down the hall to his room, the gold eleven falling into your view before he opened his door. You untied his robe, letting it fall off your body and placed it on the chair by his desk. Dean had stripped down from his jeans and button down shirt, leaving him in his boxers and fitted t-shirt.

You were the first one to climb into his bed, making yourself comfortable before he joined you, flicking off the light. You didn’t even have to be asked, moving closer to him to rest your head on his chest, wrapping your arm around his torso. You knew it would take you no time to get used to this. It would take you no time to let yourself actually feel this with Dean.

“Sweetheart,” he breathed out.

“Hmm?” you responded, looking up at him. You could feel him shift slightly before your lips met with his, finding him smiling into the kiss.

“Sweet dreams.”

You were going to have sweet dreams alright.

Please tell me what you think, my loves!

Feedback is what keeps this writer writing!

Dean Babes:

@jpadjackles @karlee-fay-my-wayward-son @gunsandimpalas @winchestdiaries @docharleythegeekqueen @highonpastries @torn-and-frayed @darkinsidelight @leylanesobsessions @autopistaaningunaparte @emoryhemsworth @sis-tafics @your-used-to-be-pillow @jayankles @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @ams-2004 @silver-and-green @its-not-a-tulpa @michirutenshi @winchester-writes @ourutopianparadise @naadestiel @mariahoedt @band-and-sadness @bringmesomepie56 @emilywritesaboutdean @extreme-supernatural-lover @tardis-full-of-fallen-angels @ruprecht0420 @ohmystars30 @percywinchester27 @captainemwinchester @lbyers28 @sandlee44 @blu-eyed-devil @tinemarie19 @skybinx-blog @babydanixox @summer-binging-spn @spn-fan-girl-173 @mein1928 @crawegirl @jensenackesl @4401lnc @iwantthedean @salvachester @sleep-silent-angel @secretlyfurrydragon @superwholock1983 @tas898 @erule @milkymilky-cocopuff @essie1876 @abbessolute @riversong-sam @avengingthesupernatural @kathaswings @mayasmedberg @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @evansrogerskitten @brooke-supernatural16 @my-thoughts-on-display3 @wellcrazythis @dustycelt @lipstickandwhiskey @adaliamalfoy @awesomestperson22 @yoursmilemakesmeloveyou @xfanqirlinq @im-a-light-child @darknessbetweenthestarssn @laurenisnot

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sincerelybillie · 6 years

Text

on liking yourself when others dislike you

do you think you could handle knowing, at the rate and visibility of social media “likes” and praise, how many people cannot stand you? i think about this often - how i myself do sometimes quantify and qualify my work and my worth based on the affirmation i receive, read and hear. and years of self-growth and self-love aside, to look at yourself through rose-coloured glasses isn’t any much healthier than picking at the scabs of your own insecurities. whether you’re healed or not, you’re not above self-examination. i’m really learning that these days.

there’s a lot to unpack here, so i hope you’re comfy. because i’m about to get uncomfy.

and again, the thoughts burst to the forefront of my brain and again i, in the paralysis and then dull pain of honest self-reflection, spat them down as bullet points. things that sting just as much removing an old and actual bullet from a body that’s gotten too accustomed to its own damage and romanticized being a warrior whose bones can no longer be broken w sticks, stones, or anything for that matter. but none of us are that untouchable. we wouldn’t be human.

in middle school, stephanie and sarah started a myspace comment thread about my eczema and how they didn’t want to be near me in the locker rooms during P.E. because they didn’t want to have “lizard skin” like me. i found out about their lifetime movie school bully behaviour after they’d been discussing me for weeks (which was honestly weirder than any skin condition i had? you’re preteen girls obsessively talking about my mostly naked prepubescent body that experiences dry skin sometimes? which isn’t contagious?) anyways, they both ended up having severe, cystic acne for much of their teenhood, and i always felt secure in knowing karma did a much better job than any revenge i could have employed at such a young age. i’d known stephanie since we were in first grade, and sarah was one of the “bad girls” who started wearing excessive eyeliner and push up bras before the rest of us. i guess stephanie felt like she needed to invest in something like that, for social currency. sarah got beat up a few times, i think, because other girls caught word of her trash talking. i think stephanie knew how to be strategic in her associations and never actually had to be held accountable for being shitty. i don’t know what happened to either of them, but i remember being really smug about my clear skin and the state of their faces when i found them on facebook in high school. this wasn’t productive. this didn’t make me a good person. and i guess i just always wanted to believe anyone who didn’t like me was in the wrong and would receive a cosmic consequence for being a dick to me.

let’s head to my early twenties where my first full time job with an organization i spent two years with showed me i was wrong. there were still coworkers who disliked me for really petty reasons, who still acted like spiteful and gossipy middle school bullies or were passive aggressive towards me for reasons that really didn’t make anymore sense than hating me for my allergies did. but i did have to hear and internalize and change the fact that i was too aggressive in my work ethic, isolated people who i felt didn’t work as hard as me, didn’t open up to people because i came across like nobody was worth knowing me or being trusted, was too opinionated, verbose, competitive, elitist. i couldn’t believe i could be considered these things, and anyone who called me that must have really misunderstood my commitment and my values. they were stupid and wrong. i was right. there was nothing for me to change here. but i was wrong because even if some of them had discussed me behind my back in separate group chats, behaved unprofessionally towards me, or stopped interacting w me entirely outside of mandated work environments, it didn’t automatically invalidate any and all other feedback they could have given me. it didn’t lose its legitimacy just because it was coming from someone i didn’t consider a friend with valuable insight. and because i placed so much value on the connections and thoughts of people i mutually respected, knew, and trusted, it was hard to swallow truths handed out by strangers, estranged friends, acquaintances or people i just thought sucked.

i stifled my own growth by not listening to them because i thought loving myself and hearing what people who aren’t cool with me had to say were mutually exclusive. i chose to only hear half the conversation because that’s what served me. because only hearing criticisms and insults was so poor for my mental health, that i had to swing the pendulum as hard as i could in the other direction. and that may have felt better most of the time, but it didn’t make me better long-term.

at the benefit of my sanity in this digital age, i don’t see who or how many people ignore my snapchat stories, screenshot my ig stories or discuss them when i’m not around, hate what i post, roll their eyes at my captions, or click thumbs down on my youtube videos, whether or not they watched the whole thing. but i know that people do it. i know some people choose to continue following me on social media or being friends w me because they want that mutual follow, despite never really interacting w me - positively or otherwise - on the particular platform. it’s a numbers game. they hate seeing their follower count drop more than they hate seeing me. i know i’ve been blocked, unfriended, and called names i can’t respond to before they press that button, a power move to get the last word in that i myself am guilty of using. my ex boyfriend made a hate account for me when we broke up. my numbers drop a little by a couple people on different platforms almost immediately after i share something that i guess people determine is enough of seeing me and my opinons on their timelines or feeds. my roommates talk about me and hide their ig stories from me. one of them reads my tweets, but doesn’t follow me, but she's given me a lot of valuable insight and feedback herself; the other throws temper tantrums, so i know where to put more relationship energy based on maturity and respect. i can’t explain human behaviour, my own or theirs when it comes to this. i could obsess over what possible reason anyone could have to decide to do these things. i could obsess over what possible reason anyone could have to think i’m not incredible. and that’s pathetic of me to do so, to assume so.

so many things could be a blow to the ego if i let it matter enough. but how do you know when something is insignificant and when something is a sign? my impatience w what i consider “poor performance” has made me seem pretentious, unapproachable, and aloof. so i built up my empathy muscle, i started sharing how things made me feel, what i needed from people, asking them what they needed from me, listening, giving - and that has made a monumental difference in my relationships. i have less of them now (relationships), because it is not a numbers game, but the ones i have i enjoy and i put the work in to grow and maintain, like any other garden, talent, muscle, bond. if i care enough and because i care.

apathy isn’t cool. we are not above being hurt or taking it personally, wondering what we did wrong instead of just as often deciding that person is trash anyways. so good riddance. ha ha, quality over quantity, yeah i’m never wavering from that perspective!

but i do waver because as (un)fortunate, (in)convenient, confusing, or exciting as it can be, these perceptions of “what makes me great”, “why does everyone hate me”, “i’m good enough”, “i’m untouchable”, and “i’m trash” are fluid. influenced by read receipts, break ups, little to no interaction w people you have shared laughs and important times with, technology, celebrities and pop culture, childhood flashbacks, adulthood anxieties, etc.

i’m still trying to make sense of this all. maybe you are where i am at on some or many days as well. i hope i, and you (but i can really only speak for myself, i have to remind myself on this blog) can understand what makes me a remarkable person doesn’t scream louder than the parts i should work on, doesn’t shine so much that i don’t need touch ups or entire renovations of how i act, think, and treat myself and others.

and adversely, people can dislike me because they dislike themselves or because they’re generally bad people w bad taste…or they can dislike me because there are things that i do, real behaviours that are mine, that are dislikable. bad. ugly. allowed to be criticized. allowed to be unwanted.

i can do something about them or i can let my precious, problematic ego inflate while my potential for growth and reconcilable, worthwhile relationships deteriorate. why do i preserve what i preserve? why do i overlook what i overlook? scoffs, tears, eye rolls, thank you’s, hugs.

i have all this self-awareness and all these options. i just don’t have the foresight to know what is the correct button to press. maybe part of growing up is just taking that journey, for all its guts and glory, because we’re not entitled to the ending we think we deserve. we experience the consequences of our actions, the actions of others, sometimes we get lucky, we get better, we get hurt. i have to be okay w all that, i have to learn and never stop learning from all that. even if, no matter what i become or do or say, people still decide they don’t like me.

after all, the end game isn’t likability, despite how sick these social media games can make us. my end game, my always game is just growth, goodness, the willingness to experience the refreshing pain of honest self-evaluation and re-calibration. as much as i can see greatness in myself, i’m not above being told there’s something ugly and bad that needs to be looked at too. removed.

maybe this isn’t enough for the people reading who don’t like me. is it insincere? irresponsible? i’m not here to please you or get you to like me; i need to be better, no matter what. this is the truth of how i feel and what i’ve been thinking.

yes, i like myself. enough to see past mindless hate and not change myself to accommodate others, but also enough to recognize when i need to make real change for everyone’s benefit of being/knowing a better me.

this is what needed to be said.

#personal #self worth #self love #psychology #self esteem #digital age #social media #self hate #bullying #instagram #snapchat #facebook #relationships #friendships #advice #thoughts #feelings

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dinacharya · 4 years

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Chapter 2. aka, Adele 25 therapy

what are tumblrs for if not for ridiculous oversharing and creeping into people’s lives you have no business being in, right?

disclaimer: it’s a saturday night, 11:45pm to be exact, and i’m 4 hours deep into listening to Adele’s 25 album on repeat. i’ve also micro-dosed. or maybe regular dosed, depends who you ask. For all intents and purposes here, I’m calling it a micro because i very much have a grip even if my trusty wall tapestry is doing pretty things, and I had a very clear intention diving in.

the tl;dr is that this 25-year old’s solo post-break up trip is a fucking cleanse and this is the vibe I’m fully on right now:

lol so, how did we get there:

well waking up from last night’s binge smoking, gaming & sugar session (which was honestly much needed - shout out to the peeps who were there for that) didn’t feel the hottest, obviously. but crushed that shit with more sleep and getting back into jillian michaels* in my living room and eating a healthy lunch and whatnot.

*side note: i’m sure she’s made millions already, but in this era with all the IG fitness models and influencers out there i still think jillian michaels is queen and underrated. 20 mins of jumping around and flailing weights, guided by her via TV is literally all i need to be like woh bitch i’m back. haha.

now: you know how there are just those random people in your life that perhaps weren’t around all that long or maybe they had an impact on you that you only realized later? or maybe you just never shared with them how much they meant to you, because you didn’t even know. so there are a couple of those i’m going to bring up here (no names).

starting with one - a friend from my NYC juice bar days, we spent many a wintery days and hours cooped up in that tiny shop kicking ass honestly with grade A difficult customers. she was one of my favorites to work with - so fun to laugh, with gossip with, just share a space with. i have so many fond memories of night shifts there, snow falling outside the windows. people coming in for smoothies at 10:45pm making us wonder what the fuck?

she was stunning, tall, beautiful effortless skin and bone structure and all that, she just glowed. she was always lifting up other girls around her while shaming herself. i get it, that’s just what we do, that’s what I do. but fact is she was a straight 12/10 no question. anyways, we lost touch. we all know how that whole restaurant went down in sad flames with our owner locked up at rikers (if you don’t know of the psycho saga via vogue’s coverage, and want to hear a first-hand account, that’s for another day, it’s honestly a fun one to tell). so all the people in my life from the restaurant, who were what felt like home to me in NY, kind of faded out with time.

anyways, she’s one of those people for me that still pops into mind from time to time and i just wonder what she’s up to and miss her. so today in my idle morning of moping around, she popped into mind and a quick social media search led me to find her humble page and podcast she’s just recently started - and i ended up listening to a couple episodes because, lord knows i’m a podcast nerd. but i had a chance to hear her story and how much i didn’t know of her background when we were friends back then, and what a light she still was to those around her was pretty amazing. she did say that her time in nyc was a bit of a blur that’s hard to remember because she was struggling at the time. it hurts my heart to know that, but at the same time i definitely can relate. generally i’d say living in nyc, as a student or not, can feel very isolating and while i have a lot of very vivid memories and recollections, a lot of that time is also a blur for me now the more distance i get from it.

anyways, so kind of reflecting on all that this afternoon while mozy-ing around in bed was one part of today’s journey. one bit that was also huge was hearing her talk about her overeating/binge & restrictive eating disorder during that time, which is something i’ve tried to vocalize to my friends and family and even doctor but generally isn’t taken all that seriously. when in fact these habits i haven’t addressed are probably the most crucial detriment to my health. it turns out there’s such a thing as overeaters-anonymous. like AA but for people with compulsive eating problems. that’s 100% me, so this was a HUGE discovery today for me that something like this exists. i’m not going to say i’ll walk straight into a meeting this second, but i’m definitely interested. as carly whose lived with me for the last 3 years could easily tell you better than anyone else, i have a hell of a fucking problem and i don’t even know if i understand it fully myself.

part 2:

coincidentally, around mid day I happened to get a text from an old NY roommate, someone I hadn’t heard from in over a year probably, so it was pretty out of the blue. I always perceived her to be like an older sister figure, a funny lady from Malaysia with a heavy accent and a strong attitude, doing her best to fit into American culture, dating apps, heavy into the astrology shit, and all. Anyways, she hit me up because she was concerned she couldn’t find me on social media anymore (quickly resolved) and she mentioned that she enjoyed seeing my DIY stuff on IG stories and that it was serving as inspiration for some future business she’s been envisioning once she gets out of corporate life in Pittsburgh, PA. It was all endearing and sweet. i have heard from friends before that my IG could be turned into something more if i wanted to, but i’ve never had the heart to put more structure to things that just feel like natural parts of me that i want to remain free, if that makes sense. but it’s still nice to know that out there somewhere in pennsylvania the random things i do in my kitchen and share into the IG ether can serve as a little inspo for a roommate from 5 years ago. also it was just a nice reminder to self that in the same way i have these people i admire and root for and wonder about from a distance, maybe there’s room for me to be someone like that for somebody else i’ve crossed paths with. that makes me happy.

So, part 3: hello, Adele.

i haven’t been shy about admitting the last couple months have been a struggle for me. basically since turning 25. even leading up to the big number, all year really i’d been kind of dreading what this age meant. it just feels like it’s gotta be messy whether i want it to be or not. considering every prior year has been a positive & fairly steady uphill climb, i figured at some point i’d have to pause/break/falter. don’t ask me why, age has always been something i’m glued to. (it’s funny because i don’t own a clock, the one watch i have is tucked into my wedding planner e-kit and only comes out on those days. given my job title and being a virgo and all, time has oddly never been a day to-day concern for me. (those who know me know i am never on time for anything, sorry) but i’ve always been hyper concerned about my age and the expectations (self imposed, inescapable) that come looming with it*. so birthday season usually is just a very introspective time every year where i evaluate where i’m at, the progress i’ve made, what’s holding me back, what i’m proud of, what i’m not proud of.

*quick side story, the person i’ve dated all year always would say our age difference was nothing. but that statement always irked me because it’s far from the truth. every year 20, 21, 22, 23, 24 i’ve felt i’ve learned exponentially about myself and grown. so yeah, there’s a HUGE difference, emotionally/self-awareness, all that, between 22 and 25 if you ask me. like bless my early 20′s for being stoned fun & shit, but girl’s been putting in work too ya know?

anyways, back on track: come time for my birthday this year i didn’t really want to think too hard about it and just wanted to have fun, and i did! it was definitely one of the more fun/eventful birthdays i can recall.

but now, 2 months post-birthday, fresh off of a break up, I’m beginning to see more clearly why I pushed all that usual introspective evaluation under the rug. essentially it’s what i’ve done all year, pretending 22 - 25 is nothing, and that all the work i’d done to get here was whatever. i’d taken steps back self-esteem wise, kind of let my work fall by the wayside just as something to do and not something i was excited about (which is more my norm), and i realize i wasnt being present in the right ways to friendships that mean the most to me. All in favor of some shiny beacon of excitement, being sucked into this vortex of conditional relationships* and “fun” where i frankly just had no place being.

*linked there ^ is a stellar article, when you’re ready for it

THANK GOD FOR MY FRIENDS. seriously i don’t say this enough. I have been FREAKING BLESSED by the people who choose to be in my life. like fuck yo i know it’s FACT i have not been the most pleasant to be around or hear from this year but the true ones persisted and showed me love when I needed it most, were there for me constantly through all the thick of it and still are. like those calls every day just to chat about what the fuck ever, those random “i’m thinking of you’s” and “let’s hangs” mean so much to me in my isolated world of working from home and just being a general homebody type. let me just promise to all of you once i’m out of this present messiness, that I’ll be back on track. i’ve hated being that girl, i’ve heard myself, and i’ve hated it. so while I’ve been kind of MIA morphing into something i haven’t been proud of, thank you to every single friend who’s reminded me there was still something here worthy of your time and your energy and your attention.

*now, much less saving me, I get to start showing up for you guys better too.

i’ve explained this to close friends before who have experienced it with me - psychedelics are one of my favorite ways to get a grip on my life. of course, i understand their role in fun experiences too, but i’ve always valued it first and foremost as a powerful mind-opening tool. (so naturally, i adore michael pollan’s latest book “how to change your mind”.) when i’m feeling overwhelmed or at a crossroads or muddled, i’ve found it to be the most affective way for me to tune into myself, see things with a fresh perspective, and commit to the choices i need to.

so having been on a fucking ride with these breakup emotions, knee deep in self-pity, not knowing what to make of the past year, past month, past week, & where i’m at... i was like,

why the fuck not?

just what i needed on a night to myself to give my soul a fucking cleanse. it’s a convenient weekend to have the house all to myself. read: a good place to be singing at the top of my lungs haha and doing whatever the fuck my single ass wishes all night. somehow along the way, i managed to cook up a pretty A+ tikka masala sauce and prepped a brussel sprouts salad for a dinner with friends tomorrow night, don’t ask me how. i’ve had a spiritual fucking connection to every single song on this Adele 25 album, obviously. idk why it hadn’t occurred to me until doing this that i’m now 25 listening to this album :) so all of this is to say:

Thank you, Adele.

for being a girl i can identify with who marks progress with age, unabashedly tunes into her emotions, and provides breakup comfort like no other. even though i refused to listen to this album until like a year ago

(also can we just take a moment to appreciate that Adele posted this on her own IG profile)

Thanks to those who aren’t necessarily at the frontlines of my life, but have a place in my heart, whether you know it or not, and bring forth some amazing shit or tune in at the right times.

Thank you, most sincerely, to each and every one of my friends that I won’t name here.

Close and far, you’re the ones pulling me out of a drudge of a year where I lost myself and you’re reminding me what I love to do and who I am and it feels good to get a footing again.

~ ciao, finally @ 1:43am.

p.s. below is THE picture of what i’ve been like for the last couple weeks ~ can always count on a new girl reference to have my back heheh

*we can also mark this as the night where i FINALLY get over my weird thing about not liking “Hello.” That shit’s a fucking masterpiece who was i to say anything otherwise hahaha

#journal #woh this some reaaal journaling huh haha

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