#and try not to get too angry at myself and the world
Text
A little chat about my art
-wip of a fox Lucien Vanserra (I plan to do a fawn elain too)
Over the course of a week or so, I have been getting harassed by anons who accused me of using AI in my work, and not being a legitimate artist. Most have been very, VERY accusatory and nasty and I was tempted to make an angry post about it then, but instead I just ignored them, deleted their comments and went on with life.
Yesterday morning I woke up to the ask about AI, and while I was fed up with all these sudden asks, the person who asked me was at least kind.
I don't know where the accusations started, I thought it might have been antis, but if I'm real about it, I don't think too many are looking at my stuff, say for the few strays I had in the past. Only one negative, and one quite positive.
I do not know if people understand what kind of accusations like that makes of an artist, but it IS hurtful! If people start spreading lies, people will believe them and with enough people believing them, it starts to look like it's true.
I have NEVER used AI in ANY of my works. EVER.
All of my work has all been done digitally on my tablets, using CSP. I have been drawing digitally for over 20 years. It is fine if you do not like my work, it's totally ok if you think my anime style is ugly or childish, it's alright if you think I'm not a great artist. All of that is fine, I respect everyone's opinion.
What is NOT ok, is saying that I am stealing art. That I am a fake who uses AI and I'm stealing from legitimate artists who put work into it. I've worked for my art all my life, since I was a child, with the only aspiration to share the wonders of my mind with the world. These accusations, these hurtful things cut very deep.
I've been a fan of Acotar since 2020, and in love with Elucien ever since then. When I looked online, I found that most Elucien/Lucien art was buried under mountains of Elriel. There are some amazing artists for Elriel, truly beautiful, but they were eclipsing any that I saw for my ship. The ones I found of Elucien were beautiful! Stunning diamonds that would often get lost under the mountains of fan art for the other ships.
So when I made a blog that would be more focused on my love of Acotar and Elucien, I made a vow to fill the space with Elucien art!
That is all I ever wanted to do. Was to be in a space I can geek out with others who love the ship as much as I do, to make pieces that make everyone feel. I spent hours working on my elucien comics, just because I wanted to share these with you all, to give the feels. I am a comic creator myself, I've been working as one for almost 10 years now, it is my job. So pushing these out are works of love.
This was my mother's day picture. I had 3 separate folders for Elain, Lucien, and their daughter. I worked very, very hard on this picture to get it out by the day, in celebration for mother's day. My work is always a bit rough in the beginning stages, but I promise, I put all the work into it. I've studied from other artists I admire, to put it into my own style, something unique to me. A style that I've drawn since HS and was constantly mocked for, because it's too 'anime' too 'asian' and not western enough. Still, that doesn't matter as long as people enjoy it, and I love what I do.
An elucien wip of a picture that I never finished.
A picture of a Non-Acotar work I did
Some of my work never sees the light of day... because I'm so self conscious about my work, about my art in general. I never think it's good enough, and I struggle with trying to finish them because I want to only put out what I think is worthy of being shown. Sharing my art is so incredibly nerve-wracking for me, the fear of judgment, of never feeling it's good enough. I put my all into my work, my whole heart and soul into them, and though I know I need more practice, but I am trying.
Suffice to say, I've never used any form of AI in my art, I've never stolen anyone's work and claimed it as my own. I have referenced poses every now and then, and painting styles that I've studied, but never have I EVER cheated through any of these pictures.
Had someone had a real concern, coming to me and asking politely would be fine. Thank you to the anon yesterday who was truly kind and showing concern, but I don't know where this started from. If you are concerned a work may be illegitimate, you can always DM the artists and ask them kindly, I am sure they will no doubt be willing to prove their work if only to confirm they're real. Witch hunts where you just deem someone of using AI and spreading rumors and lies does MORE harm to the art community than you think. Artists are already hesitant about uploading their work for fear it will be stolen or used, but claiming they use AI with NO PROOF, and spreading misinformation is not only doing damage and making sure they'll never want to post again, but it impacts the community as a whole.
That being said, I am still going to draw and paint and post my artwork. I have no intention of backing down. I just hope as a community we can do better and be kinder to people who are spending their free time making things and sharing with us all. It's incredibly vulnerable to put yourself out there, and just remember, we are people behind these screens.
#elucien#acotar#lucien vanserra#elucien fanart#fanart#acotar art#illustration#artwork#my work#anti ai
64 notes
·
View notes
Note
Oct 7 and the consequent aftermath to this day, changed my entire World view. I'm not Israeli, nor am I jewish. But the treatment of Israeli and Jewish people has radicalised me. Prev I would have considered myself a leftist regarding most aspects. Sure there were disagreements, some not even too minor but I couldn't believe ever irrevocably breaking with every leftist movement, at least not until I was old and bitter. Now I'm definitely the latter. I've become an extremely angry person. I see no difference in ignorance or malice anymore. There's only hateful ignorance and a conscious hatred, there is no point in trying to argue with people. They will never acknowledge jews as being deserving of equal or even just humane treatment. Therefore hamas supporters can never be forgiven or redeemed. I'll never support any leftist movement ever again. There is no need for sabotage since they do that on their own. Sorry for the vent, had to get that of my chest, hope you are doing well :)
32 notes
·
View notes
Text
I'm not gonna be able to make this coherent but I just want to say. as someone who grew up as a teen with undiagnosed PCOS who was so fucking angry at everything all the time. and as a person in their 20s now who is a chronic people-pleaser and is constantly doubting and blaming myself for everything. the bit where the bad kids were remembering their past injustices hit so fucking hard I can't even describe it. fig and riz's especially. just.
when you're a teenager the whole world feels so unfair and there's nothing you can do about it. you're trapped and no one listens to you and you can't stand up for yourself in a way that matters and things are wrong and it feels like no one else can see it. you're so mad at everything but there's no productive way to channel it so you're just stewing in all of your hatred and of course it turns inwards. where else can it go. you're mad and you're mad at yourself for being mad and you hate the state of the world and there's nothing you can do to fix it and that makes you even madder. and the rage turns to frustration turns to sorrow turns back to rage and it's horrible.
and when you're forged in that, you grow up feeling like everything is your fault and you have to try to take care of everyone else and work and work and work for them to love you. and you shove your needs and your questions and your justice down into a little box hidden in your chest that overwhelms you with grief and confusion whenever you peek inside. the shame and the doubt and the guilt get all mixed together in with your soul and it hurts to imagine a world where you deserve good things. everything is so confusing and helpless you don't even bother to try.
but then. cassandra holds your hand. and ankarna does too. and they remind you that there is room in the world for doubt. there is room for mystery and you don't have to have all the answers. and at the same time, there is a time and a place for righteousness. when you see something wrong in the world, in yourself, in your loved ones, you cannot be afraid to stand up against it. it seems dark and muddled now but a new dawn in breaking. you choose your purpose, you choose your next steps. but you will have dignity and strength when you struggle, when you falter, when you don't know what to do next. have the serenity to except the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. hoot fucking growl.
#fantasy high#d20#dimension 20#fhjy#im emotional#this is too much#of course brennan's divine thesis boils down to the serenity prayer.#dont judge me im not catholic i just like the quote#and i LOVE when it's used in midnight mass.#anyway.#i love you forever fantasy high
34 notes
·
View notes
Text
yesterday I was so angry and scared and depressed but today I feel completely empty but in a way that there’s space for new things. walking around and seeing children playing and the sun and cold air but grass is peeking though. aries season is always tumultuous but so productive for me. I hope everyone can go for a crisp walk and see something beautiful in strangers today! 🌸
#I was sobbing at my desk luckily no one saw bcus I work alone in the room… everything was making me angry#I feel completely alone in the world but I feel like at least I understand that I need to be right now#springtime is generative! only I live for myself and now I will. or at least try.#hopefully getting medicated soon too. lol!
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
Recently I just can't stop having a bad mood! I just don't know what it is :/ I am trying to focus on the things that make me happy and combat my wish to vent and turn irritating things into positive ones but every single good thing improves my mood for maybe like 3 minutes, and then I think about things that make me angry ANYWAY! I want to be around people but I can't because if I keep talking about things that make me angry - minor or big - I'll just exhaust them. But I've been trying to focus on good things for a while now and now it feels like it is a daily hard battle.
I really need to either finally have a mental breakdown (but I can't control when it happens, you know?) so I can cry, or have a justified reason to get angry that won't feel like petty over-reacting on my half. Hhhhrg
#/vent#look i am TRYING to stay funny or chill or simply based#but you dont understand - *everything* online makes me angry or bitter!#i dont even know what happened.. nothing about internet changed yet it feels like it did???#like a sound you cannot hear but the waves still shake you biologically..#as much as i judge people who built their audience on being reactionary at least-#-they have privilege of being negative as much as they want and only get 'yass queen kick ass' for it#meanwhile i should watch myself to not extend venting limit gfhhjhv when i vented too much i should-#-stay cool for a while before i can feel bad again#am i overestimating the importance of my negative emotions though?#like.. am i being vain thinking my vents will 'poison the world around me' when my anger is-#-as threatening as barking of an alerted pomeranean?#yeah maybe.......#maybe i just have microtrauma from people that treated me like a dangerous monster for having-#-emotion of anger to begin with. this summer this issue was dialed up to 11#right i am probably being too focused on self at this time!#i should watch some youtube trash-reviews or petty dramas to feel angry on behalf of someone ELSE.#gotta.. get out of my own head. now.
24 notes
·
View notes
Text
look it took me a while to come round to astarion but there is something about the scene where he's just standing in the sun that kind of got me after i've spent the entirety of this spring, rain or shine, staring and reveling in the trees and the plants around me, like i haven't seen the color green in years because in a lot of ways i haven't, i had gone blind to my favorite color because it Didn't Matter, i hadn't realized how deep depression had been holding me under for years until march when the woods i've lived in since i was 8 have suddenly become brand new to me. and it's not like i'm dancing around joyously or anything, it's not made me some kind of positive upbeat optimism fairy, it's made me angry if i think about it too long, so i've just been trying not to think about it and just be, not try to be happy or optimistic or hopeful but just appreciative. and. idk. i think i kind of Get It. he's never going to be my very favorite but man. i would like to stand in the sun with him sometimes
#blah blah blah blah blah word vomit.#it's fine i just feel Incredibly Too Old to be making this kind of progress but also incredibly like a stupid baby too#the years i've lost to being so inanely unalive !!! staring out at a gray world wishing i would just Be Dead already#and now suddenly the trees are so green again and it makes me so fucking angry#that this was here the whole time but i couldn't reach it. it wasn't reaching me#i was scared of rain and scared of sun and scared of in between and it sucks so so so much#and everyone wants me to be HAPPY and NICE and SOFT about feeling better and i'm fucking. not.#i feel ~better~ but that just means i'm angry at what i lost and never had#i wanted to kill myself for almost a decade and now you want me to romanticize life because a cashier at the grocery store smiled at me???#and i get so frustrated trying to play with him on the team sometimes but also good fucking god. mood.#mkay i have to go crochet something before i kick a wall because my depression is better and that infuriates me#and i just want to kill things with a vampire worstie.#is that so wrong.#aster chat
3 notes
·
View notes
Note
I just wanted you to know you're very wholesome and I admire that, because it's something hard to keep as you grow older. You're like Polites on cotton candy 🍭
Oh, thank you! 🥹 That's incredibly sweet!
I always try my best to look on the bright (yet still understanding) side of things as there always is one! :D There's good in everything! Even in darker aspects of a story/myth!
There's a lot of humanity and kindness in places you wouldn't expect and it honestly feels silly to act like such things aren't possible! :D
#Sorry this is a little late! I've gotten a few asks recently and I'm trying to space them out!!! :D#honestly. I love finding and creating little quirks and characteristics of characters and noticing them irl too#I just don't really see the point in bitterness about stuff. I know I can get fired up and angry myself but to only have bitterness is...#not gonna help in the long run.#There's only so much unwholesomeness in the world before you just get tired you know? :'D#I mean... unlike Epic Polites I DEFINITELY have “mean” moments. I'm not perfect but I always try and see good.#Honestly I relate to Odysseus a lot (technically Penelope too) but with the whole “so much love and hate inside one person”#as I have a lot of love (✿ ♡‿♡) ...but there's a lot of R A G E too (ʘᴗʘ✿)#also trauma O_O I am healing through this idiot.#I mean the reason why I love the Odyssey so much is that to me. It's saying no matter what you've done or what you've been through#you CAN know peace. the “Joy like a sailor” part really cements that to me.#The “sailor” is still covered in brine and he's cold but he can BREATHE again. It's a step in the right direction.#ask#simugeuge#🩵#Mad rambles
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
that moment when: everyone's lives are restricted and constricted and these imposed consequences are attributed to anyone's continual individual failures to seek, find, and follow the Correct Path through Life, and so everyone is left on their own to only be seeking & finding these failures as well as the only answer to how their lives can be better....versus Not seeing the world as the free marketplace meritocracy of everyone's personal failures/successes, nor everything in your own life, and thus not forever having to scrutinize Where You Must Be Bringing It Upon Yourself by fucking up or at least failing to do the correct thing, and exist only in perpetual punishment for your ongoing failure and occasional temporary reprieves from it. recognizing everything that wasn't & isn't & wouldn't be [this is because you're bringing it upon yourself] and thus having more capacity & capability to look at the realm of your personal individual self, reality, experiences, life through the perpetual instances of seeking, finding, and following your own needs/wants through one's inherent personhood and exercises of autonomy and recognition of where & when & how one recognizes moments of their existing freely & in more resonant genuine alignment with themself, you know? endless examples to be found in endless fractals of [where & how are people's lives made smaller]. and that of course this doesn't preclude the ability/option at any time to question one's choices, since you'll be able to find more Actual choices available to you (and, also crucially, find more actual choices made by others that are in the pursuit of limiting Yours) to look at, and people getting to exercise their autonomy isn't the same as "everyone doing anything they want regardless of how it affects others" since that [how does it affect others?] element instead being Regarded would be able to lead to recognizing that, in fact, an effect might be the infringement on others' autonomy, hence: There's A Problem....like the ability to just go ham with [questioning???] anything in existence, certainly including oneself, b/c the "norm" is such that rather you're only supposed to be able to question yourself for your failings (or those positioned as less than, thus, beneath you) and not even have the language to express a questioning of aspects of life beyond that b/c stop calling anyone "cis" they're just Normal, Just Be Normal and it would all be fine
#brought to you by: i think one of my feelings lately of A Shift is in my less than ever running this like continuous background function of#looking for Thee Answer (just like the black suits) in any & everything that could serve as the Key to like. whatever could fit into place#to like set things on a [hell yeah. life? better] path. juxtaposing this recent sense of things with the [lol. in retrospect i Do see a new#context wherein i can Recognize smthing abt myself] past going on of like. granpa greentext story be me be fifteen i'm in college b/c i hat#school i also mostly assumed i'd probably fail out freshman yr but didn't. i've never known what i'd wanna major in & as a sophomore i'm de#supposed to figure it out in time for scheduling my jr yr classes (though Ideally have known from the start / been scheduling thusly) & so#many evenings during dinner i'm furiously perusing the daily print news as i've been doing for some yrs to Keep Up W/Current Events but now#also consciously like ''boy i hope in the course of doing this i stumble across some info that sparks some eureka moment of Getting what my#major should Obviously be so i can understand the rest of my life around [do job] b/c i sure as hell don't understand it around [be married#much less [be parent] so one option remains obvi'' whereas now i realize like lol you Were figuring out a guiding light in doing so & that#perspective being honed was one of Having A Political Analysis times....which also provides another Example of [only being able to interpre#what makes your life & your world the way it is: via Your Personal Failures to have already Had Better] in that just like i often forget i#misguidedly (but also reasonably; clearly also using & seeking that autonomy & freedom) tried to have a better existence within the#situation i was in by Coming Out As Trans to parents via an email that was then not directly discussed ever; b/c any legitimate discussion#was not permissible like how so many matters of [supposed correct existence] are Unspeakable so as to be Unquestionable#languaging that succeeds & sustains itself having to be expansive / flexible / creative / evolving too. Making Up Words hell yes#anyways so i also forget i Did try to propose majoring in things that Did more approach what i was suspecting were things i'd wanna do#but even the first like expression of anything on the periphery of that was met with ''no you'd hate it b/c you'd have to deal w/Stupid Ppl#every day'' (by which was meant; with believed inherent synonymity: poor people) & then i also will oft forget i pushed for it any further#which i Know i did b/c of it next being met with angry & aggressive ''i've never heard you talk abt that interest before So''#(wonder why? withholding info to protect yourself=finding room in one's life for existing more freely; exercising the autonomy to Do That)#but it's easy to forget b/c The All Encompassing Perspective was rather [i'm sure Failing to just Know my major for the sole possibility fo#defining one's entire life: The Correct Dream Job] & then Failing to push it or just express it & be understood ''correctly'' even if i Did#have any ideas in that realm. vs seeing how i Was succeeding & was recognizing shit & pursuing it & looking out for myself & etccc#it's undeniable lol like the framing even that Blaming Oneself is an autonomy seeking response. b/c your autonomous power in your own life#sure Would be more immediate if Everything Really Was Your Fault (when ofc really this is abt obscuring & denying the responsibility of ppl#who have the power over others' lives & then have to act like this is all the fault of the Others; they themselves have never Truly Chosen)#no victim blaming no condemnation of anyone's ''passivity'' here babey#re: the undeniability it's how like. maybe you've only Just realized you're not cis but in doing so it's like ''oh That's what i already#recognizing in various ways throughout my whole life'' it's all always Been there/going on & perspex shifts + new lenses can reveal them
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
i fuckin hate people >:) i hate the shitty social dynamics we have inherited and disseminated throughout our cultures >:) i hate the way a lot of parents feed both provision and poison to their children from the same hand in the same bite and then wonder why the family tree stays sick and rotten i fucking hate all of this >:) i hope we all fuckin die
#misanthropy hoursssss i am so glad i've shed the need to be the fair and mature and accepting kind of person in order to feel valid#my underlying misanthropy has always been warranted has always been the voice of knowing something's fucking wrong#has always been the part of me that couldn't be gaslit into being compliant when every other part was#has always been my only armour against converting myself completely into a commodity for a shitty society that didn't deserve my devotion#i fucking hate us i fucking hate u#imagine being a child of a species wired to attach to ur caregivers at all costs for survival#and still at a young young young age developing a sense that#u as a newly shooting branch of this family would need to amputate urself from the tree to have any chance of being healthy#of getting to grow instead of being starved and stagnant and diseased for ur entire life#pretty sick and done with always trying to turn crappy things i went through and see in the world into shit to be grateful for#there are always things to appreciate but a nice view and free food doesn't make a torture centre a healthy place to be#i'm tired of never having the permission to call something crappy crappy and to be angry and to protect myself#i gave too many fucking people all the chances they didn't deserve. i get to be a distrusting misanthrope. at least for a few seasons.
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
everyday i wake up against my will n im lettin y’all know now that i’m abt 1 more waking up against my will day away from somehow someway making it god’s personal problem
#blueface baby ayyy#i love my cat but sometimes i am annoyed bc if it wasn’t for his existence i would said sayanora Long ago lmao#i wanna d word i was not supposed to make it past 18 i’m so fucking angry#im not gonna amt to anything in life i’m so scared of it all so pathetic and weak#i’m too weak for this world someone else can have my place i was never supposed to be here anyways hahah i’m not good at anything#i have zero talents ive wasted 10 years of my life writing books and publishing nothing i live in my stupid dreamworld#i don’t know how to hold a conversation i don’t want to go outside i want to rot in my bed i am so sick of myself#also don’t come in my ask box on some wahwahwah stop self pitying crybaby grow up ok bc i’ve literally been telling myself that for years#if someone walked up to me rn n was like here have this euthanasia pill and i knew my cat would#be safe and happy w someone else then yes i would take it in a heartbeat lmao no water necessary !!#im a burden to my family a financial burden all i’m good for is putting more debt unto others how USELESS!!!!!!!!#i have no friends but it’s my fault bc i don’t talk to anyone back i just i can’t#i think subconsciously i’m trying to push everyone further and further away so when i die they aren’t hurt#i don’t want a funeral i don’t want anyone to grieve me i feel like a narcissist even assuming someone would grieve over me lol#i just want to be forgotten about i want everyone to keep living and doing well without me to get in their way#i’m just an obstacle in other ppls lives a hindrance a fucking troll without a riddle just hurtful mean words#i’ll write everyone apology notes#i have so much guilt inside me it’s filled my lungs and heart sometimes i can’t breathe if i think abt all the ppl i’ve hurt by being alive#god put me on this earth to teach ppl lessons abt avoiding ppl like me#fuck god i’m done being his puppet i’m done hurting ppl i’m gonna go away someday and no one will ever hurt again#why do i want to cry i’m so fucking self absorbed why the fuck am i sad abt myself#i think subconsciously there’s something in me that wishes to stay alive and be the positive impact on ppls lives like i always wanted#i always wanted to help ppl and make friends and include everyone and now i’m just so toxic i let younger me and everyone else down so bad#i feel like my mom hated me too right now i feel like she deserved a better prettier smarter funnier more selfless daughter#im ok everyone btw im just being dramatic n venting lol dw i’ll start writing in a journal instead of tags soon#shut up cianna
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
I dunno... I wish I could explain to people how I see the world and how some things about my world view could help them through what they're going through...
Don't get me wrong. I'm not a paragon of mental health or balanced thinking. I'm not. There are just some things and ways that I think that are healthy and useful skills.
#i dont know who i am right now. i feel more like veronica than kk...#anyways. as a system. there are ways that we look at the world.#like taking responsibility for our own actions and holding ourselves accountable for them. sure thats partly trauma but its partly healing#its so hard sometimes for us to not point out how helpful it would be for someone to stop & look at what theyve contributed to a#negative situation. because life is complicated and people are complicated.#and sometimes admitting that i did a shitty thing that hurt someone to that person AND to MYSELF is what it takes to repair things.#sometimes it hurts to admit to myself that i did something awful or even just kind of dickish. but i do.#and i dont know. i think its partly a self-humbling that comes with vulnerability but its also this...#honesty exercise. like. if you cant be honest with yourself then you cant grow as a person.#and i can be so angry at and hurt by someone and STILL say Yes I Did Something Wrong too.#and nobody read this and think im talking about abusers because im not.#if its an abuser situation then dont try to fix anything just try to survive and escape.#but on that note! lol. this has also helped me not feel guilty for being abused.#taking responsibility for MY actions and holding myself accountable for MY actions has made it easier for me to let go of responsibility#for things that other people say and do including when its shit that hurts me.#i dont feel guilty for things my abusers did even if i did something that triggered it or led to it bc they CHOSE to abuse me.#they didnt have to. but what they did isnt my responsibility. disobedience doesnt require abuse. my responsibility is what came after.#do you see what i mean? how that frees me?#and in doing this and getting better at it its almost like im getting better at seeing whats actually my fault and responsibility#and its making it easier to set boundaries because i see my responsibilities and needs vs how others actions affect me#you see?#yeah...
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
something sweet i realized when flipping through old journal entries: without meaning to, i've started ending off my journal entries with some variation of "i love you"
#it made me feel kinda warm even though its just me writing to well. myself#but i remember my first journal. i wasnt consistent at all#and all the entries were just rushed scribbling of how much i hated my life#and while its good i was venting my emotions its very healing in a way to see that turn into#at least semi consistent journaling (even filling up multiple journals) and being excited to journal at the end of a day#(or to get a pretty new one to use next)#and my handwritings even improved a little too.#and the angry emotional scrawling turning into 'well. its okay that i'm angry#but the world is wonderful and i will try again'#and to even be able to say 'I love you!' to myself without even realizing it.#god i love being alive. im so glad i decided to live#hi why am i being brought to tears over what was supposed to be a silly observation#shark speaks
1 note
·
View note
Text
Blood & Sweat
Pairing: Mafia San x Reader
Word Count: 1.3K
Genre: Mafia Romance, Smut 🔞
Warnings: 18+, MDNI, Explicit Activity, Swearing
San covered in sweat, dirt and blood was a normal event so was helping him clean up.
San coming home covered in sweat, dirt and blood was not unusual, it was a hazard of his job. When you had first met San you had hated that he fought for fun but you accepted it along with the idea that he didn’t really want to tell you about his real job, San had told you he could give you the world as long as you only asked what you absolutely had to know about that side of his life but told you that he made good money and was something called an enforcer. You agreed and never asked what an enforcer actually was or what he actually enforced just pretending that the fighting was his job.
What made tonight unusual was a couple of things. One he was wearing black pants and a black shirt instead of his usual fight gear, his leather jacket had been thrown on the chair by the bed. Ignoring the drastically different attire you instead just continued like normal helping him clean himself up, look over any wounds and make sure he wasn’t badly injured before making sure he got into bed for you to dote on. And two he wasn’t radiating the normal soft sweet San energy that you were so used to tonight there was something distinctly dark and a little dangerous about him that you had never seen before.
“Baby, I’m not too bad this time you can go to bed if you like, I’ll clean myself up” he smiled fondly at you, one large hand cupping your cheek carefully. His eyes were softer but still serious, almost harsh so you knew that this was not going to be a night where he told you the details of the fight, where he had been or who he was with.
“Sannie, let me see if I need to bandage anything, please” you pressed gently not wanting him to get angry at your actions but you were worried about whether he was actually injured under the dark clothing. He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment obviously trying to reign back whatever was on his mind to hide it from you before dropping his hand from your face and letting you check him over.
Unbuttoning his shirt and slipping it as gingerly as you possibly could down his shoulders you looked over his ribs, back and arms not finding any cuts or wounds that would need cleaning, but lingered on his abs absentmindedly running your fingers across the hard muscles that made up most of his perfect body. Next you cupped his handsome face while he patiently waited for you to decide he was alright. You ran your fingers across his cheekbones and lips only finding a small nick from what looked like his own tooth kissing the corner of his lips lightly you stepped away from him chewing on your lower lip. Knowing he was actually fine the worry you were feeling was steadily turning into something much needier at the sight of him half dressed standing before you like a piece of art
“Did I pass my beautiful nurse's inspection?” he teased trying to sound playful, watching you stare at him, his eyes starting to cloud with lust.
“I guess I will let you get cleaned up then” you mumbled stepping back to leave the room.
“Or you could help me wash up?” he smirked, eyes darkening slightly before wetting his lower lip as a flush began creeping across your cheeks. “Just to make sure I’m absolutely fine”.
Sensually he unbuckled his belt and undid his pants, stepping closer to you so he could help you remove your sleep shirt, dropping it on the floor away from his clothes, his hands coming up to cup your breasts as he leant it to press his lips to yours passionately. Your hands instantly went to his chest bracing yourself while he shimmied your sleep shorts down your hips so you could step out of them and tug his own pants off. Pulling you against him he backed you both into the shower turning the water on and standing in front of the spray until it heated up his hands roaming your flesh squeezing roughly and teasing your skin until you whimpered against his lips.
“Such a good girl taking care of me” he whispered against your mouth lifting one of your legs to wrap around his waist so he could run his fingers through your folds easily slipping on finger inside your entrance while his thumb worked your clit.
“Oh god” you whined bucking your hips slightly into his hand needing more stimulation that he was giving you. He smirked again kissing across your cheek and down your neck leaving his mark in the juncture of your neck and shoulder and making you yelp. He slid a second finger into you, massaging your walls and stretching you so you would be ready for him, the tips of his fingers effortlessly finding your g spot and pressing against it getting you closer and closer to your high with each passing second.
“Fuck baby, the noises you make” he groaned slipping his fingers from you and backing you against the wall before you could protest the cold tiles making you gasp as the hot water ran down your chest. San dropped to his knees picking your leg up to rest on his shoulder, his tongue quickly replacing his fingers as he ate your pussy like a man possessed.
“San…ngh…ah” you couldn’t even think of any words all you could think about was the feeling of San’s tongue circling your clit in between him sucking it between his lips. Grabbing his hair you felt him moan into your folds the vibrations on your cunt making you cry out as he worked you to the edge again. Just before you came he stopped again ignoring your whimper at a lost orgasm, picking you up he easily impaled you on his cock holding you so he could control how fast you suck down his length growling when he bottomed out inside you.
“Fuck baby, how are you still so tight?” he ground out pressing you further into the wall and snapping his hips into you bruisingly hard making you hiss. San pounded into you, each of his thrusts making your head spin as you clawed at his back to hold on his cock stretching you like he was trying to tear you in half. Panting you could feel fire spreading through you as he pushed you back towards your orgasm, his pace not faltering even when you cried out his name again and again like a prayer.
“I got you baby, come on my cock like a good girl” he grunted his hands gripping your thighs tight enough to leave bruise marks for days to come.
“Ah…San….San” you screamed your orgasm tearing though you like lightening and making you feel like you had shattered and been fucked back together again. San kept pumping into you while your body spasmed around him, your walls clenching him until he followed you over the edge letting your walls milk him of his seed. Slowly he lowered you back down until you stood on your unsteady legs leaning against him while he rinsed you both off and grabbed a towel to wrap you in.
“Guess I went too hard huh?” he laughed breathily carrying you into the bedroom and laying you on the sheets “Now I’m gonna have to look after you baby”.
“Sannie” you squeaked, hiding your face in your hands as he covered you with the quilt to keep you warm, making him laugh properly all the darkness that had been surrounding him earlier was now gone .He padded still naked to the kitchen to get something to drink for you both before climbing into bed beside you and pulling you to him.
A/N: Thank you for reading my loves, I seem to be on a bit of a mafia kick at the moment (oops). All your love and support is appreciated always xxx
Taglist (open): @christopher-bangnaldoskzz , @armystay89 , @damnyouficc , @roamingpolar @tara-skyhold @bakedlilgoonie , @krishastumblernow , @mrsseals16 , @fawnpeaks , @leeknowinggg @uno7 @tanzen-ist-gold
#ateez#choi san x reader#san x reader#choi san smut#san smut#ateez fanfic#ateez imagines#ateez hard thoughts#ateez hard hours#ateez scenarios#ateez fic#ateez mafia au#mafia au#Mafia San#Mafia Choi San
413 notes
·
View notes
Text
The live action writers hate Aang
I have given myself a lot of time to think about the live action, and reached the conclusion that the writers hate Aang. I dare you to read read this and tell me I'm wrong.
Let me start this by asking you a question? What's the most badass scene Aang has in the first season of the OG show? No matter what you answer is, I know for sure, that scene doesn't exist in the live action. Aang does absolutely nothing to prove the audience he is the right person to be the Avatar, he learns absolutely nothing throughout the show, he doesn't need to look into himself and change his way of thinking. Nothing. Most of the fundamental lessons Aang learns throughout the first season are gone.
The first mistake Aang does in the OG is staying at Kyoshi island too long, letting the attention go to his head, getting too comfortable. He realises he brought destruction to the island and tries to fix his mistakes by jumping onto the Unagi to help the village. That's how he learned the responsibly he holds as the Avatar and finds a unique way to help the village. Well that doesn't exist in the LA. Instead, Kyoshi takes over Aang's body to fight the whole fire nation for him. Aang, himself, does literally nothing.
The spirit world. In the OG show Aang is forced to face his Avatar duty for the first time by trying to save the village that's beeing attacked by Hei Bai. This is his first test as the Avatar and he fails. Not only that, he loses his friend. So Aang has to figure out himself how to get Sokka back from Hei Bai. He figures out who her bai is, himself, understands why Hei Bai is angry and gives him hope, the way Katara gave him hope. So we see that even though Aang failed at first, he kept trying and was smart and compassionate enough to realise what the problem is and solve it. This does not exist in the LA. Aang sees Hei bai in the spirit world, within a second realises who he is and just gives him the Acorn, without having to face him at all!
Another reason I'm convinced the writers hate Aang is the way all the avatars + Bumi treat Aang. Everyone is mad at him for disappearing for 100 years. And look, I get that, you can be mad at him if he ran away from his duties...but he never did! He went to clear his head on Appa and got caught in the storm. And if he hadn't run away he'd be dead, so why are you all so mad at him?! Bumi being mad at Aang could make sense, because in the OG show Aang did spend a significant amount on time of goofing around before he finds out about the comet. But here, it makes no sense! Bumi is mad for no reason. As soon as Aang got out go the ice he took his duty seriously, so please, make it make sense! And the show just glosses over the fact that if Aang hadn't run away he would be dead with the rest of the air benders. Instead of letting Aang feel guilty himself, which he does in the OG show, they just get these characters to hate on him, because they're incapable of making their characters have any emotional depth.
Aang doesn't learn water bending. At all. And there is no logical reason for that. I guess they thought it wasn't that important but please explain to me how you want to make Aang more serious and focused on the Avatar duties but not make him learn water bending? The literal next step Aang has to take to becoming the Avatar?? That is the only clear goal Aang has from the second episode of the show - to find a master and learn waterbending! Make it make sense!
Taking away Aang's talk with Koh. So I assume if most people didn't answer my question above with the Koi fish, they probably said Aang's journey into the spirit world and his meeting with Koh. In the OG show, Aang has to find a way to figure out how to save the water tribe. He does so by going into the spirit world and talking to Koh the face stealer. So Aang had to talk to Koh showing zero emotions so he doesn't have his face stolen. That scene is so creepy and so badass and shows that Aang is really capable, even though he is a kid, he is facing the creepy ass spirit and is doing an excellent job. So when Aang finds out who the moon and the ocean spirits are, it feels deserved, it feels like an accomplishment. In the live action he doesn't have to show zero emotions because Koh is not stealing faces, he's just stealing random people for whatever reason. Koh tells him exactly what to do, bring me a MacGuffin so I can release your friends, Aang just goes to see Roku, no problem, no obstacles to overcome, brings the Macguffin to Koh and he just releases his friends. Wow, really shows us how resourceful Aang is by making him...get an object and give it back to Koh...
And the very last point that I absolutely hated in the show. When Aang goes into the Avatar state and becomes the giant koi fish and wipes everyone out, the live action show goes out of its way to emphasise that that is not Aang in there. Aang is gone. The Koi fish is just rage. and that's that. Taking away ANY agency Aang ever had. Look, I know in the OG show Aang is not in control of the Avatar state either, but we know that's still Aang in there, that's his power he's showcasing. He might not be in control but that's him doing it all, being all powerful. But in the live action, they tell us Aang is gone, that's just his body the spirit is using. Plus Aang does no watebending himself, no gestures like the original where you can see aang in the sphere water bending, controlling the giant Koi fish, showing us how far he's come as a water bender. But in the LA he's just in the sphere...doing nothing because he never learned water bending so of course that's not him doing all this cool shit.
I am so angry over all of this. This is you MAIN PROTAGONIST. and you made him nothing but a vessel to progress the plot. You gave him no character, no growth, no struggles, no power! So no, you cannot convince me, at this point, that the writers of the live action don't hate Aang. Probably as much as they hate Katara.
#atla#avatar: the last airbender#aang#avatar#avatar the last airbender#natla#netflix#netflix atla#atla netflix#avatar aang
579 notes
·
View notes
Text
WHO IS THE HOTTEST JANE AUSTEN MAN ? THE FINAL
Propaganda...
Captain Wentworth (1995):
Ciaran Hinds has that perfect ruggedness yet friendliness to his face that makes him the perfect charming Wentworth. And all of the longing that he manages to convey in his eyes is so hot.
Wentworth may be angry/resentful with Anne but in general he is charming and the best friend you could ever have. Ciaran gets the pleasant parts of his character and brings them out, while keeping a guarded coolness (protective camouflage) with Anne.
64.media.tumblr.com
GIF by molinaesque
I dunno if this counts as propaganda or not, but Ciaran Hinds has a face that looks like it was jackhammered out of a shale cliff.
If a line like 'I am half agony...half hope' comes out of a face like that you know that man has a soul for poetry.
I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to Bath. For you alone, I think and plan. Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes? I had not waited even these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others. Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice, indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating, in
F. W.
I must go, uncertain of my fate; but I shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look, will be enough to decide whether I enter your father's house this evening or never.
This is propaganda for the next round because I need my boy to be a finalist! But this letter is all the persuasion I need to know that he is a winner
youtube
Ciarán Hinds in this is a whole other level of "a good man" He makes Anne's decision at the end so much more perfect.
LOOK
GIF by my-little-random-world
HOW
GIF by my-little-random-world
HE
GIF by mametupa
YEARNS
GIF by my-little-random-world
GIF by my-little-random-world
GIF by my-little-random-world
GIF by molinaesque
The yearning the yearning - JLM gives a great look but Captain Wentworth is the king of longing stares. He's trying sooo hard to hate her sooo hard to get over her - 8 years and he thinks he's ready to face her and move on but no he has to notice she's exhausted on the walk, that her nephew is being overwhelming, that she should be dancing and not just playing the piano for everyone else. And even though he's jealous later on when Mr Elliott gives her an "admiring look" in lime he's pleased for her because he knows she deserves to be admired and cherished even if he's angry that he wasn't able to be the one she let admire and cherish her. I just this man - he loves Anne so much and it's so so hot.
Propaganda for Captain Wentworth.
I've always loved Persuasion and so I was voting for him in his polls anyway, but I had never seen the 1995 adaptation. So because of this blog I decided to check it out.
Well. Now I'm obsessed. I came into this tournament fully expecting to vote Firth Darcy to victory. Ciaran Hinds suddenly showed up and sparta kicked him to curb. His every look, every gesture is laden with longing. He's so tender with Anne but then the barely restrained rage in his voice when he speaks to Lady Russell. He's rugged and manly yet tender and considerate.
I BURN, I PINE, I PERISH
If you're wondering why you should vote for Wentworth 95 in the @hotjaneaustenmenpoll, it's because he's got something hot for everyone.
Do you think it's hot when a man dresses up fancy? He looks very dapper in his uniform! Or do you find it more sexy when a man is more casual, a little mussed up, maybe even a little grimy? He does that perfectly too!
Do you find men hot when they're being tender and restrained? Or do you find men hot when they're losing control a bit, maybe getting a bit passionate with anger or jealousy?
Do you like a refined man of culture? Or a rugged outdoorsman?
A warm smile? Or something more broody?
Someone who's the life of the party, boisterous, laughing, charming? Or the strong silent type, serious, calm, mysterious?
Hinds's Wentworth does all of these sexy things brilliantly! You cannot lose with him, he's got it all!
II ranked Wentworth as the #1 Austen man in terms of fuckability, and I stand behind that when it comes to Wentworth 95 versus Knightley 09.
Is Wentworth 95 angry sometimes? Yeah. But that's hot, at least coming from Ciaran Hinds' ruggedly handsome face. Have you heard of makeup sex? Tell me Wentworth 95 and Anne don't have the most scorching hot angry makeup sex imaginable 🥵
And yet Wentworth 95 is also super tender! The slow, gentle, worshipful way he kisses Anne at the end?? So beautiful and hot. The longing way he looks at Anne in silence. The way he is so solicitous of Anne's comfort to put her on the carriage with his sister! You can just tell he's gonna take the time to worship his wife in bed.
And let's not forget that he writes the most romantic letter ever written! The depth of passion in this man, my god! 🔥💕🔥
This is not a who is the better man contest, or who is the more faithful to the book, or who would you most want to marry. This is a hotness contest, and Wentworth 95 is so fucking hot.
Mr Darcy (1995):
Colin Firth (1995) is book Darcy brought to life. He uses tiny gestures and looks to communicate with us and Elizabeth… his struggle is so subtle but so palpable. A beautiful asshole with a creamy nougat center. Just perfect.
GIF by sunsetboulevards
Those heart-eyes right up above☝️? Hot!
Passive-agressively drinking tea? Hot!
GIF by jaeausten
The way he rushes over to see Elizabeth at Pemberley on those delicious long legs of his with that slutty wet curl hanging over his forehead? Hot!
GIF by didanagy
Fencing? Hot!
GIF by greengableslover
The way he is so concerned about Elizabeth crying and takes her hand even though he shouldn't? Hot!
GIF by greengableslover
This dimple-y smile of pure joy because he knows he's married to Elizabeth freaking Bennet? Hot!
GIF by didana
Colin Firth Darcy is simultaneously immaculately put together and entirely falling apart internally. The wet shirt scene is so iconic not (only) because ‘oooh almost-shirtless sexy man’, but because it’s a metaphor for how he’s absolutely falling apart!!! This is a private moment, when he doesn’t think anyone can see him. And then he bumps. into. Lizzie. At his house!! And the entire sequence that follows with him rushing out still doing his jacket up to catch her before he leaves. They are both on the back foot and it’s THAT moment of confusion that opens a more honest dialogue between them.
Without Firth in a lake you wouldn’t get Macfadyen in a downpour!
youtube
There's a reason why Colin Firth is forever known as Mr. Darcy above all other roles he's had and will have! Even ignoring the wet white shirt, which has become A Thing now, he is so hot with his curly hair and his little half smiles and his intense looks of longing and his legs that go on for milessss.
youtube
This cannot be real. My fellow Jane Austen people. Without Colin Firth’s Darcy we wouldn’t have 90% of modern JA content. He opened a door and there was no turning back for modern culture. There would be no MacFadyen standing half undressed in a field at dawn without Firth jumping into a lake first. There would be no hand flex if there hadn’t been Firth doing his best impression of a man undressing Elizabeth Bennet with his eyes and hating himself for liking it. There would be no Bridgerton without Bridget Jones. Let’s face it people. We wouldn’t be here having these arguments if Colin Firth had not been Mr Darcy.
Colin Firth understood Mr. Darcy in a way no other actor ever has. He is awkward as fuck in a way that comes across as snooty and judgmental on a first watch-through, then can be read as awkward and longing on a second time. His performance had such depth while looking extremely shallow at first glance. This man WAS Mr. Darcy. (I love 2005, as well, and I love Matthew McFayden, but he was awkward for awkward sake.) Colin Firth made Darcy's awkward look snooty and aloof.
youtube
THE socially awkward Darcy is the 1995 Darcy - look at him coming and sitting in awkward silence with Elizabeth pointedly asking her if she wants to live a long way from her family (to obvious relief) and then abruptly leaving - vote for him please 😭😭😭😭
youtube
GIF by my-little-random-world
Colin Firth served so much as Darcy that when they did Bridget Jone's diary, they brought him back.... AS DARCY. The smoulder. The angst. The man is the quintessential Darcy.
“Firthing” is an actual term that is used now to describe someone yearning intensely. It is named after Colin Firth’s Mr Darcy performance.
Colin Firth all the way. He's known in our household as Owl Eyes because in every frame he's mooning over Elizabeth Bennet. Unsurpassable, unmatched, golden television (and some of the worst dancing you've ever seen).
Colin has beautiful, touchable curls.
Link
My high school English teacher was very into using movies to teach alongside literature, which was a great teaching tool. When we read Pride and Prejudice, he used both 2005 and 1995 for various scenes. What stands out to me all these years later was when it got to the part when Lizzy went to help Georgiana after Caroline dropped Mr. Wickham's name and Darcy gives Lizzy this look:
My teacher stopped the film and pointed at Darcy's face and said, "See that? That is THE look. If someone ever looks at you like that, you know they're in love." And what is hotter than that?
Also this teacher had two cats named Lizzy and Darcy. Not relevant to the poll but I wanted you all to know about them.
Colin Firth dazzles and amazes in the nuanced performance that just blows all other attempts away.
The best thing about the Colin Firth wet shirt scene is actually the scene that follows where him and Lizzie are both just dyinggg of embarrassment but Darcy pulls himself together refuses to lose his advantage and runs to get dressed and chase her down before she leaves - just the mix of cringe and hopefulness at seeing her again is so well done and so attractive!!! (this is just the bit where he's running after her but I love it all!)
#hotjaneaustenmenpoll#the final#take two (SORRY)#captain wentworth#mr darcy#persuasion 1995#pride and prejudice 1995#ciaran hinds#colin firth#persuasion#pride and prejudice#jane austen#frederick wentworth#fitzwilliam darcy#Youtube
771 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
lostinmyownmind
Down the Rabbit Hole.
kunederson
never felt more like singing the blues
virgojail6-blog
Untitled
about-a-boy707
Eccentric
lovelyjovialwolf
fancy