i redrew it

INDA honors three nonwoven industry professionals with lifetime awards

INDA, the Association of the Nonwoven Fabrics Industry, announced three worthy recipients for the INDA Lifetime Service Award and Lifetime Technical Achievement Awards. David Powling, Paul Latten, and Arnold Wilkie are being recognized for their key contributions to the advancement of the nonwovens industry and INDA.

“It is our pleasure to recognize David, Paul, and Arnold with these well-deserved awards. INDA appreciates their contributions in advancing the nonwovens industry and being advocates for INDA,” said Tony Fragnito, INDA President and CEO. “These Awards honor individuals with long-established records of service and technical achievement. All three have given their best both personally and professionally to the nonwovens industry and INDA,” Fragnito added.

David Powling and Paul Latten will receive their awards at the World of Wipes (WOW) International Conference, June 18th beginning at 4:30 pm

Arnold Wilkie will receive his award at the RISE Conference, October 1st at 4:30 pm

The Award recipients are:

David Powling: INDA Lifetime Service Award

“I was excited to be nominated for this award, and humbled to receive it. As I prepare to retire, I have reflected on the progress our industry has made over the last 15 years – it has been quite the journey. I feel grateful to have been a part of that journey and fortunate to have met and worked with so many talented people along the way. “

David Powling has worked for Kimberly-Clark Corporation for nearly 25 years and has been a contributor to the Wipes Task Force and Technical Committees at INDA and EDANA for over 15 years. Powling served as Chairman of the INDA Wipes Task Force from 2009-2013. His work on these committees include developing the first and second edition of the Flushability Guidance Document (GD) and he was later instrumental in the roll out of the third and fourth edition GDs. Throughout this time, Powling coordinated activities with Kimberly-Clark Corporation to provide critical supporting data, as these flushability test protocols were developed.

Powling has been actively involved in collection studies where he was key in framing the work packages of those studies, collating and analyzing the data, and drafting reports. These collection studies include: Moraga, CA (advisor); Maine – Part #1 and Part #2 (hands-on); Jacksonville (hands-on); and the Northern and Southern California studies in 2023, which combined, was the largest study to date. Powling led the charge in the California study and was personally involved in identifying 1,745 samples.

Powling has been a key technical contributor to the INDA Government Relation efforts that has resulted in labelling regulations in multiple U.S. states. He has also been an active participant in efforts to develop an ISO standard for flushable products.  In this effort, he was a test method sub-team leader during the preparation of the proposed ISO standard responsible for organizing appendices of existing flushability methodologies. Additionally, Powling has been awarded, or has pending, 25+ U.S. patents, including many covering the development of dispersible wet wipes.

Paul Latten: INDA Lifetime Technical Achievement Award

“Thirty-five years ago I selected a postcard that said ‘My great ambition in life is to build something that will last.’  For me, this quote applies to people and things.  In the spirit of the quote, I am deeply humbled and honored to receive this award for developing products for the ultimate benefit of people everywhere.  Our work is not done yet…more to do for benefit of mother earth.”

Paul Latten has been an active member of the nonwoven and fiber industries for over 35 years. Most recently he has led innovation at Southeast Nonwovens, commercializing more than 75 new nonwoven products per year. Prior to joining Southeast Nonwovens, Latten held senior leadership positions with Basofil, Consolidated Fibers, Invista, and KoSa (and Trevira and Hoechst Celanese precursors to KoSa.)

Latten has a successful career of reinvigorating company R&D efforts by instilling a focus on customer-centric innovation. He is an inventor of record for a number of patents and pending applications. Latten has given numerous presentations on innovative nonwoven materials, at events such as INDA’s World of Wipes (WOW) International Conference, RISE (Research, Innovation & Science for Engineered Fabrics), the VISION International Conference, and the Converting and Bonding (CAB) Conference.

His recent innovations have been diverse in scope and include nonwovens for use in hydrogen fuel cells, moisture detection media, proprietary wipe designs, and natural fiber-based packaging. Aside from new fiber and nonwoven products, Latten has championed process innovation that has resulted in tangible output gains that broadened the market opportunity for his current and prior companies.

Latten’s portfolio of innovations has spanned across the nonwoven markets, often involving wetlaid and drylaid nonwovens. These include materials for moisture detection, synthetic papers, fuel cell cathodes, protective covers for treats, melamine nonwovens for surface treatment, and the development of binder fibers. His work also touched upon disposable hygiene applications entailing dry-laid web containing hollow synthetic fibers to improve absorbent core fluid uptake.

Latten has been a board member of INDA for multiple terms and served as Chairman in 2008-2010. Additionally, he has contributed to many INDA conference planning committees, helping drive the success of these events.

Arnold Wilkie: INDA Lifetime Technical Achievement Award

“I am extremely honored to receive this Award, and to contribute to the Nonwovens industry. Todays’ Nonwovens processes produce defect free fabrics at >5,000 SQ-Mt/Min. Multicomponent fibers produced from spin-packs with >35,000 Holes, and having >1Million individually metered polymer streams have contributed to advanced commercial capabilities. Speaking with our neighbors in the high-tech Space Coast of Florida, I am proud to realize that the Nonwovens industry has created a comparatively advanced technology.”

Arnold Wilkie has a distinguished career in advancing yarn, fiber, and nonwoven technologies since 1970. Since 1988, he has been President and Owner of Hills, Inc. where he has sustained their innovative culture. Wilkie has over 40 patents and applications covering yarns, bicomponent fibers, ultra-fine fibers, nanofibers, dissolvable filaments, meltblown nonwovens, and polymer processing innovations. He established Hills as a leading innovator in bicomponent fiber nonwovens and in the equipment to produce these materials. During Wilkie’s time leading Hills, their pilot capabilities have become well-known and highly regarded for enabling material innovations.

Many of his patents pertain to the development of equipment solutions that enable the production of complex bi- and multi-component fiber structures. These solutions include the method of forming a continuous filament spun-laid web, the method and apparatus for producing polymer fibers and fabrics including multiple polymer components, the method and apparatus for controlling airflow in a fiber extrusion system, and controlling the dissolution of dissolvable polymer components in plural component fibers.

Arnold Wilkie, President, Hills, Inc., earned his bachelor’s degree in Mechanical Engineering from the University of Tennessee and an MBA from the University of West Florida. He is a licensed Professional Engineer in Florida, and has been engaged in the synthetic fibers industry since 1970. The first 17 years were with the Monsanto Company, where he held positions in Fiber Process Engineering, Fiber Product R&D, and Product Management. Since 1988, he has been a majority Owner and President of Hills, Inc., a 52-year-old company located in West Melbourne, Florida, specializing in the development, manufacture, and supply of advanced custom fiber extrusion equipment. Wilkie has been involved with and supported The Nonwovens Institute, since its founding in 1991 as the Nonwovens Cooperative Research Center (NCRC), with Hills joining as a Member in 2001.

GD is so into aesthetics with his likes and posts, like the anon said how his IG likes have consisted of art, nsfw aesthetic, he’s even liked LGBT quotes and mlm related posts 👀 . Anything with an aesthetic tumblr feel he seems to enjoy and by his IG we know he has his own aesthetic. He just doesn’t care what he posts. I can’t agree he’s completely oblivious to this fandom war. I’d YB and TOP can realize it so can he. There’s no way he doesn’t check what fans have to say. He reads the comments, there is no way he can not view all of those bigbang is 5!!!! Gd said bb is 5!!! Comments since they have the most likes. This is where the excuses get annoying. He knows what he did.

I’m not saying he’s totally oblivious, just that he’s so withdrawn, so stuck in his own head and concerned with his ~aesthetics~ that he’s completely failing to read the room. And I’m really not convinced he reads the comments; I wouldn’t if I had even a fraction of his fame. You know how there are fan accounts that stalk his private IG and record all his liked posts? I don’t keep up with that, but OT5s so love to shove his likes in my face when they think they’ve struck upon something of importance, and until recently, when this five hands photo resurfaced online by one of his art friends who turned it into a rambling statement about unity for a world divided by COVID-19 (more on this later, in another post maybe), I’ve never seen him use his personal account to give attention to anything BIGBANG related (correct me if I’m wrong and you have seen such things). At one point SR/OT5 fans were so desperate for a lifeline that they busied themselves weaving stories of support based on him liking a bunch of pics of rainbows.

That said, maybe it’s time he comes down out of his ivory tower of Chinese tea, expensive shoes, and luxury brand fashion and mingles with us commoners for a bit. For the duration of his enlistment he was completely isolated and as distant as could be (as he wanted and probably needed to be). Even at his discharge event he didn’t approach or speak directly with VIPs (up close I mean, one on one), and so didn’t give SR/OT5 fans the opportunity to take shots at him they way they did Youngbae. He stood at the top of a tall flight of stairs and addressed the crowd through a megaphone. Really living up to his "king" image, eh?

But you guys, I have to come out with it: it’s been long enough, don’t you think, and this closed book vibe and the whole “live for yourself / love myself” theme he’s been repeating for the last couple of years is frankly starting to feel a little off-putting. I’ve been very sympathetic to his apparent need for time and space to sort through his feelings, but sooner or later he must recognize that this is so much bigger than himself.

As Daesung once said wisely, advocating humility, “No matter where you’ve gone, how far you’ve traveled, always remember where you came from.” Then added, “Sometimes you’re going to have to make sacrifices."

You hear that, Jiyong? Sacrifices. Not sentimental self-indulgence. Nevermind that the sacrifice has already been made.

I hope the other members will get to him in short order -- you know, those who’ve actually bothered to look our way and get a feel for their unstable fanbase and as a result have grasped how to handle the matter delicately. Even TOP, who was off to a rough start on IG in the latter half of 2019 and did as he pleased with regard to liking BB posts, reposting fan edits, etc, seems to have figured out that his carefree online playtime runs too great a risk of sending the wrong message to a legion of fans who've become, to quote another anon, “balls to the wall hysterical,” and has pulled back accordingly. Nothing is as it was anymore. Things are not the same as before. And in a way, over the last year or so we’ve actually witnessed TOP and Youngbae work their way through that learning curve.

Unpopular opinion? Maybe it’s time GD hands the reins of BIGBANG to Youngbae. Maybe it’s already happened, we just don’t know it yet. I’ve always gotten the sense that “leader” has been more of a shared role between these two long-time best friends, with Youngbae’s compassionate yet no nonsense guiding influence being felt more than seen. He is the only BIGBANG member to use his words to speak about BIGBANG to date in that interview with Esquire Korea last year on the topic of Coachella. The only member to reach out in person to the fans and the public and attempt diplomacy in the aftermath of such devastation, even going so far as to say he felt responsible [for overseeing the group’s recovery]. Also the only one to release anything officially acknowledging BIGBANG as something he cares about and wants to see continued: his documentary, in which he painted the group as four.

Jiyong may be their appointed leader and is widely recognized as such, but Youngbae has made observations over the years about his friend's head-heart troubles and has given us insight into how he helps him navigate when the group needs a sense of direction. Because just as Jiyong has his strong moments, he has his weak ones too. I still have faith that together they can see each other through this, but GD... no more fumbling the ball, please.

wow trying to edit that post was a nightmare. sorry yall. 

anonymous asked how bad “goodbye my princess” was. 

vague badness: enemy lovers that actually have consequences, betrayal/lying, jealousy, murder, suicide, dead family members dead family members everywhere, depression, the male love interest going a lil Unhinged, main character deaths (plural)

detailed spoilers (and legit, SPOILERS) under the cut

so you have to embrace that the male lead/chengyin is an absolute piece of shit. like he’s terrible. and he’s compelling. but he makes so many bad choices in pursuit of power / the throne of the li empire. so so many. now, he loves xiaofeng and it’s legit, but that ultimately brings more pain to her than if he didn’t.

Fucked Up Shit Chengyin Does: A Love (?) Story

-within the first 10 episodes, he + his soldiers have almost completely wiped out xiaofeng’s family + the danchi as a whole. her cousins die. her friends die. tangentially, her mother dies and her father goes insane. chengyin even beheads her beloved grandfather in front of her (he didn’t know she was there. but lmao. still.)

-did i mention that was on their wedding day? it was on their wedding day. said grandfather even gave her away. he went ahead with marrying xiaofeng even though he had no intention of abandoning his mission and thought idk love would fix it? chengyin what what what are you doing

-it’s unclear whether or not chengyin was going to tell her he was the double agent/the reason the li empire was able to wipe out the danchi, but there’s this like Significant pause between when xiaofeng wakes up from traumatically fainting after the danchi are defeated to her recognizing the li empire armor in his quarters where he doesn’t say anything and it is Sketch. definitely the implication that if he could he would hide his role in the defeat of the danchi from her and just Carry On as a Happily Married Couple

-she’s rightfully horrified by him when she makes the connection between him and the armor in his tent and tries to stab him, so he stabs himself harder which isnt awful but just fucked up like this is not a good relationship

-when gu jian (xiaofeng’s teacher/first love) comes to take her out of the li military camp, chengyin stops him and demands that he lets xiaofeng go because, quote, “They’re not over yet.” bro you just massacred damn near her entire family i think that’s a dealbreaker (to his credit he does let her leave but lmao it’s v clear he didn’t want to)

-there’s a semi-time skip and Plot Related Amnesia, so he and xiaofeng don’t remember their traumatic history, and both end up in the li empire b/c of xiaofeng’s marriage contract to one of their princes. one would think without the danchi backstory maybe they could have a better time. they don’t.

-chengyin falls for xiaofeng again, but he knows the politics of court are Fucked Up and if he shows he cares about her they’ll target her. so he makes a girl who’s been in love with him since childhood (se se) his concubine and fake!dotes on her to have all the political schemes fall on her instead of xiaofeng. basically, he exploits the poor girl’s feelings to make her a meat shield. i think he calls her expendable at one point. on the flip side of things, he treats xiaofeng like absolute shit sometimes in order to protect her. which works, but gd what an asshole

-although their memories are gone, chengyin knows basic things about the events in western liang that others in the palace have told him: that he defeated the danchi and killed xiaofeng’s grandfather are among them. he doesn’t tell xiaofeng this, even when they’re officially engaged. she finds out on her own right before the wedding and confronts him. he’s essentially like Look I Didn’t Want You To Know and when that doesn’t do well he’s like Think of The Country and also I Love You and gets general pei to later take her to the memorial he built for her grandfather, complete with his armor set. which is kind of sweet but also kind of imperialist museum? and also he was the one that killed him??

-super jealous. when there’s rumors that general pei and xiaofeng are having an affair (they’re not), he maneuvers to publicly strong-arm pei into a marriage with his sister (aka an imperial princess aka a marriage he can’t turn down). it turned out alright, but the Motives were definitely not alright--emphasized by the stone cold stare down he gives xiaofeng after the announcement (she’s oblivious to it, because she’s not in love with pei, but chengyin doesn’t know that). part of it is a political maneuver, but it’s also p clear that it’s personal

-a doozy. so gu jian, chengyin’s cousin and accomplice in the Take Down the Danchi Fuckery, is in love with xiaofeng. he was also xiaofeng’s first love, but she doesn’t remember him because #amnesia.  throughout the second half of the show, gu jian’s been working as sort of a guardian for xiaofeng as she lives in the palace and trying to make amends for his part in the danchi massacre/trying to assuage his guilty conscience. at one point, he decides enough’s enough and he kidnaps xiaofeng in order to get her free from the palace. during this time, chengyin’s absolutely losing his shit because his beloved wife is gone and he knows gu jian’s the one that took her / has his suspicions about gu jian’s feelings for her.

while gu jian and xiaofeng are on the run, xiaofeng starts to get bits and pieces of her memory back--all of them surround a man named “xiaowu” aka chengyin’s alter-ego when they were together in west liang. because he’s a shit, gu jian says he’s xiaowu, and as a result xiaofeng believes he’s the one she used to be in love with. Complicated. even more complicated when, fleeing chengyin and palace soldiers, xiaofeng hits her head and COMPLETELY remembers everything.

needless to say, she doesn’t want to be around chengyin anymore. it’s super sad and fucked up, because while xiaofeng remembers everything, chengyin doesn’t. so here’s what chengyin knows:

-his wife was open and warm and they were in love even if he couldn’t always show it because #Intrigue

-wife gets kidnapped by his cousin, who he suspects is in love with her

-wife comes back from kidnapping, hating him and saying the only person she ever cared for was xiaowu -- which is NOT HIM

-his cousin claimed to be xiaowu

when gu jian tries to rescue xiaofeng again, he’s surrounded by palace guards and chengyin goes totally unhinged. he forces xiaofeng to watch as he orders his men to shoot the shit out of gu jian. she tries to look away but he won’t let her. he doesnt even care that a’du, xiaofeng’s best friend and the only one she really has left, is at risk of being shot as well. gu jian dies, and while xiaofeng knows he’s not xiaowu she remembers that they grew up together/at one point he was her beloved teacher and she’s devastated. she tries to starve herself but chengyin threatens to take a’du away forever if she does. it’s fucked up.

-xiaofeng tries to escape multiple times, and he won’t let her/re-captures her. it’s just. sad. really sad, esp since she can’t forgive him for what he did to her family

-after all this shit, west liang decides to rebel and chengyin decides to crush them. because killing one side of xiaofeng’s family tree wasn’t enough, apparently

-xiaofeng rides out to the middle of the battlefield--on one side is west liang, under control of her brother. on the other is li empire, under control of her husband. she threatens to kill herself unless chengyin meets two of her conditions: 1) that he’ll leave west liang the fuck alone for as long as he lives--chengyin agrees, and it’s clear he would say yes to anything she asks because he is freaking out. he even says that if she dies he’ll kill himself, too. which leads to wish 2) he has to live well

which feels like a mixture of selfless love and a little bit of a fuck you? she knows that making him survive after she dies is probably going to be what hurts him the most, but he swore to it. then she slits her own throat while he watches, and he runs by her side and is trying to keep her alive (which is fruitless). and then he’s shoved away from her by her brother, who takes her corpse back to west liang. chengyin grows old, and it’s clear the only thing he’s got is his empire and it’s a lonely fucking life. at some point, he abdicates to his nephew (implying he never had his own family) and goes back into the desert to “find xiaofeng” because he’s in denial that she’s dead and the vibe is that he’s definitely going to die alone out there

#fin

characters who die

-danchi: tömür/xiaofeng’s grandfather, he shi (a’du’s brother/xiaofeng’s friend), yi moyan (xiaofeng’s cousin), batu’er, a good freaking chunk

-west liang: consort/princess mingyuang, ashina yun/xiaofeng’s mother, qu wenchang/xiaofeng’s father goes insane

-li empire: zhao sese goes insane, crown prince #1/chengji, crown prince #2/chengye, the empress, the emperor, gao yuming, li yan, gao zhen, gu ruhui, chang’er, chai mu, ming yue

-main: xiaofeng, gu jian, a’du

TOP-5 favorite traits of PoE characters( for example: 1. X's sense of humour. 2. Y's wisdom...)

These are not in Top 5 order (though I probably could put them in order easily).  Instead, I decided to give one favorite trait for five, not-so-random characters.  They’re in order now/for now.

Aaron’s doubtOver these past few years especially I’ve been thinking about doubt a lot, owing to Aaron and exploring his role and place in the story.  For one, I find his doubt in Moses very meaningful; I’m always writing about That Arc in his reunion with his brother.  For another, Aaron’s questioning, questioning Gd and where Gd has been, feels Jewish, feels familiar, and that’s been very meaningful too.

When I met with my rabbi for the first time nearly a year ago, he talked a bit about doubt and faith, and how, in Judaism, they exist side-by-side.  He talked about how, especially together, both are like steel: strong, able to bend, to not be so rigid as to break.  Faith without doubt is brittle.  Doubt without faith is also brittle.  My rabbi said all this in response to me disclosing some of the issues I’ve been struggling with.  His message resonated deeply.  I couldn’t help but relate it to The Prince of Egypt, and to Aaron and Miriam.  Not just as individual characters — since they represent doubt(/despair) and faith(/hope) respectively, and each express their own moments of both doubt and faith — but also together, in the way they support/complement one other and the larger narrative and its themes.  Some may wonder what Aaron in particular brings to the story (and sometimes I feel as though the movie/its crew wonders the same thing).  I don’t.  I believe that Aaron is an essential piece, and that his doubt is a big part of why.  It’s definitely one of the many things I love about him.

Miriam’s fireI might be cheating somewhat with this one, because when I say Miriam’s “fire,” I’m referring to several characteristics of hers that I love.

Her fire is her warmth; I imagine hugging or being hugged by her feels homey, secure.  Her fire is her fierce temper; her anger, her ability and tendency to say what’s on her mind, and to act before she thinks.  It’s also her resilience.  When I say “fire,” I mean her vitality, her very presence and life, its significance.  I mean her irrepressibility, her fearlessness.  (It’s certainly possible to substitute “water” — her name evokes water, and she’s closely connected to water — and have all of these traits still hold.  I just tend to think “fire” because of the image I have of her: cheerful fire, warming fire, roaring fire, steady fire…)

Moses’ sense of responsibility/ownership of his mistakesHe takes responsibility for the scheme of and damage from his and Rameses’ chariot race.  He recognizes his mistreatment of Tzipporah.  After prompting from his mother, but it’s also seeing Tzipporah herself glaring at him that shakes his sense of empathy.  Teen Moses often acts without thinking, but once he stops to/is called to reflect, he’s able to acknowledge and react to the impact that his actions have, and on whom.  He also admits his past mistakes to Aaron and apologizes to Miriam.  When I think of self-reflection, atoning for past missteps, seeking forgiveness, self-improvement, in a PoE context, he’s the character who comes to mind (teshuvah!).  These are traits/processes I value very much.

Yocheved’s gentlenessI love gentleness.  Yocheved’s gentleness shows in the way she runs her hand through Aaron’s hair, the way she holds Moses.  They’re natural gestures, but they mean a lot to me.

Gentleness is a wonderful trait, and a beautiful strength.  Furthermore, I love that it’s a quality all three of her children possess.

Jethro’s calmnessAs an anxious person, I tend to be attracted to calmness, and to people who are even-keeled.  Jethro is energetic but mellow; the latter trait I find quite soothing.

Last edited: 9/5/19, the list has an order now.  Aaron is always #1 for me, but that doesn’t mean that Miriam is #2.  Explaining this sometimes feels difficult, so that’s why I defaulted to birth/family order — Yocheved, Miriam, Aaron, Moses — in the original draft of this post.

Can I ask you a question- GD smut

Warnings: cussing and straight up smut. 

Grayson had always intrigued me. Less in a mysterious kind of way and more of a what are you like in bed kinda way. Grayson Dolan is a sweetheart, one of the kindest people I'd ever met. Always sporting a genuine smile. I never see him hitting on girls or even talking to one besides Emma. It makes me wonder about him often. I can't imagine Grayson with a girl, I know it's weird but I just can't. For as long as I've known him, he's never talked about girls at least around me. I don't understand him. It's...intriguing. Ethan however, Ethan has talked about girls with me, asking my advice on girls he's talking to or even asking odd questions to get my take on it. I expect weird questions from Ethan, I do not expect them from Grayson so when Gray came to me with a worried look in his eye and the phrase “Can I ask you a question?” I perked up, shutting my laptop forgetting the editing I was supposed to be doing and turning towards the younger twin.

He's wearing his usual casual clothes a pair of basketball shorts and a black t-shirt. He's rubbing the back of his neck obviously nervous.

“You just did but sure,” I reply trying to make him less nervous.

He smiles walking over to the sofa sitting beside me.

“What's up Gray?” I ask turning to face him.

“I have a an...odd question. I asked Ethan but he said that I should ask you because you answer all his weird questions without judgment and actually know the answer.” Grayson says paying with his fingers rather than looking up at me.

“Gray, you can ask me anything,” I reassure placing my hand on his shoulder.

He briefly looks up at me before turning his attention to the ground.

“I um...I was with this girl last night and um...we- we we we're you know having sex and I um...I didn't...you know so she tried with her mouth but I still didn't...” Grayson says stuttering through the statement.

“Okay, so what's your question, Gray?” I ask trying to understand what he's getting at.

“I um... I was still you know...hard but couldn't...finish. Which um...happens a lot so like...I just wanted to know...”

“If it's normal?” I inquire observing his red face.

He nods still not looking at me, embarrassment filled his body language.

“Well...sometimes stress can get in the way of being able to cum but if it happens a lot then I'd say maybe check with your doctor to be sure that everything is okay but, yeah it's normal. Sometimes I can't get there myself.”

“W-w-what do you do when you can't...”

“Usually take my time. Do things I know gets me off. Sometimes it's hard with another person.”

I can sense Grayson becoming more comfortable with the conversation as he asks “Have you ever faked it?” not stuttering once.

I nod “Often. I guess that's the good thing about being a girl, you can fake it and they wouldn't know.”

A beat of silence hangs in the air before he whispers “How could you not know?”

“It's actually pretty easy to fake it.” I admit with a shrug “I've gotten pretty good at it.”

“You've faked it that much?” He asks now turning to look at me, something in his eyes I don't recognize.

I nod “Yeah, Ethan says I need to find better guys to sleep with.”

“I agree with Ethan.” He says as I'm suddenly aware that I'm wearing a thin tank top. Grayson's eyes slowly take in my appearance. What is going on here, I wonder as I observe the younger twin's eyes lingering on my cleavage.

“Grayson?” I question as the younger twin scoots closer to me. He lays a hand on my bare thigh, great call wearing shorts I think as I feel his breath on my neck.

“Shh, just let me...Can I...God, I really want to kiss you.” Grayson stutters placing his other hand on my hip.

My eyes widen at the confession. His hands stay where he placed them not moving, waiting on my consent. I take a moment to ask myself do I want this? Here's this super attractive young man greedily grabbing at me hoping I say yes. He runs his nose against my neck nudging me as if to silently ask again.

“Please,” I whisper before I realize I've said anything. He gently moves his hand from my hip to the side of my face. His thumb rubbing my check bone uttering “God you're beautiful.” Before pressing his lips to mine. His lips are soft and needy. His grip tightens on my thigh as if he's scared I'll push him away. It feels natural kissing Grayson like I was always meant to. He nips at my bottom lip begging me to open my mouth. I give in quickly wanting nothing more than to continue kissing him. His tongue slides against mine as I throw one of my legs over his lap hoping he'd get the hint and pull me into him more. He does; he quickly grabs my leg moving me to sit on his lap. I place on hand on his neck and the other to run through his hair tugging slightly. He groans pressing me into his more. His hands now rest on my ass giving it a squeeze before slapping it lightly to test the water. I moan in his mouth rolling my hips against his. He pulls away and I'm thankful my lungs began to burn from lack of air. He places kisses from my jawline down my neck, nibbling lightly here and there. His lips stop at my cleavage, looking up at me asking if it's okay. I nod as his hands' side up to my tank top running his hands across my bra covered chest. I never knew someone's hands could feel so good on my body just caressing me. He takes his time caressing every part of my skin. Running his hands down my sides, across my chest, stomach and down to my shorts. I take this time to plant kisses on his jawline and neck, loving the feeling of his stubbly chin against my skin.

“Grayson,” I whisper causing him to stop his movements quickly, looking up at me with dark eyes. “You'd better stop touching me like that if you don't plan on fucking me.”

He groans, gripping my legs before standing. He walks me to his room, closing the door with his foot before gently placing me on his bed. He kisses me once more, passion and lust filling the kiss as he pulls away before I could as for more. He looks down at me breathing heavy, face slightly flushed.

“Do you want this?” He asks a very serious tone.

I nod going back to kiss him. He turns his face causing me to kiss his cheek. I pout as he says “No, Y/N. I want to hear you say you want this, want me. Use your words baby girl.”

my heart swells at the nickname. “Yes, Grayson Bailey Dolan. I want you.”

He smiles as he gently places his lips on mine, a change from the past kisses. He pulls away looking down at me once more before he pushes my tank top up slightly giving me a chance to say no.

“Take it off Dolan,” I say with a teasing tone.

As soon as the words leave my mouth he slips the tank top off my body taking his time in admiring the newly exposed skin. He runs his hands down my back as he kisses around my bra. Taking his time in exploring the skin. He taps my clasp asking me to arch my back so he can unclip it. He unclips it with ease pulling the plain black bra off my body. His eyes light up at the sight of my bare breasts. He slowly reaches for them, hesitant in touching me. When I make no move to stop him, instead of pressing my chest into his hands he takes both of them in his hands. Squeezing and kneading them. He smiles as he lowers his mouth to my nipple taking one in his mouth sucking lightly. I can feel him hardening on my thigh as he plays with my boobs. I arch my back, pushing my chest into him more as he gently scrapes my nipple with his teeth. He moans as my thigh brushes against his hard-on. He's taking my advice, going slow. He pulls off my right boob going to show the left the same attention as grind against him.

He pulls away as I tug on his shirt. He sits up discarding the shirt before moving down between my legs. His hair slightly messy, his lips red and his eyes blown wide with lust. He looks so good between my thighs. I can see his back muscles moving as he taps the button on my shorts asking me if he can take them off. I don't answer instead I lift my hips allowing him to pull the fabric off me. He smiles at my batman underwear before placing a kiss on each of my hips, nipping at the bone lightly.

“Grayson, please,” I beg to lift my hips hoping he'd get the hint. He places his hands on my hips pushing them back down.

“Patients Princess. Want to take my time with you.” He mutters as he places a kiss on my right thigh. He places kisses down my right leg to my ankle and up my left leg to my thigh. He stops to nudge his nose against my center.

“You smell so good. Are you wet for me princess?” he asks as he wraps his fingers around the band of my underwear.

“See for yourself.” I challenge as he pulls my underwear down smirking when he sees how wet I am, letting out a moan as he runs his fingers down my slit.

“mmmm, so wet for me. Can't wait to taste you. Can daddy have a taste?”

I moan as I lift my hips begging him to do something anything. He presses my hips back down on the bed tutting at me.

“Now, Now princess, that isn't an answer. Use your big girl words. Can daddy have a taste?” He says wrapping his arms around my thighs bringing me closer to his mouth.

“Please daddy. Want it to bad.” I whine giving in and begging like he wants me to. As soon as I said Daddy, his lips were on me. I moan loudly as he goes to work. Slurping can be heard as he works his tongue against me. He shakes his head from side to side as he works his tongue into me. I run my hands through his hair giving it a tug as he nips at my clit. He moans against me as he buries his face in my pussy. God, he's good at this. He takes time to suck on my clit as he presses a finger in me.

“Fuck, Daddy.” I moan as he drags his finger inside me.

Be back up using his finger on me to say “Fuck, you taste too good princess. You gonna be a good girl and cum on daddy's tongue?”

He adds another finger as I nod quickly “Yes daddy. Want to cum for you.”

He goes back to work finger fucking me fast and hard as he uses his tongue to toy with my clit.

“Fuck so close,” I warn as Grayson speeds up his movements. I can see him grinding against the bed as he works to get me off and fuck its hot.

“Cum for me princess.” He says before he sucks on my clit hard.

“Fuck, Grayson.” I moan, feeling myself release. He continues his movements not slowing down until he thinks I've ridden out my high. He comes back up to my face. His face covered in my arousal, he places one of his fingers in his mouth moaning at the taste. I tap his other finger against my mouth asking me to suck on it. I open my mouth taking his finger in. I hollow my check and suck on it like I would his dick. I moan against his finger making a show of tasting myself. He pulls his finger out of my mouth placing a kiss on my lips.

“Wanna suck your cock Daddy,” I say as I reach for his basketball shorts. He moans allowing me to pull them down. His length slaps against his abs, he's not wearing underwear. He allows me to switch places with him. His back leaning against the headboard. Looking down at me with curious lust filled eyes. I get situated in between his thick thighs before taking his impressive length in my hand. His hips buck into my touch as I drag my hand up and down his cock. Taking some of the pre-cum he's leaking spreading it across the head before dragging it down. He moans as my thumb swipes cross the head of his cock. I gently take the head in my mouth as his hands quickly go to the back of my head fingers lacing through the hair. I start slow taking a little at a time. Making sure to run my tongue against the vein under his cock. He's making noises but not as loud as I want him to be so I pull out all the stops. Deciding to take as much of him as possible. I relax my throat before I take him as far as I can, my nose touching his manscaped pubes. He groans loudly pulling my hair a little hard. I come back up for air, using my hands to jerk him lightly. I take the time to roll his balls in my hand as I take him back into my mouth all the way down my throat again. He pulls me off him with a loud breathe “Fuck, I'm gonna cum if you keep doing that. Need to be inside you.”

He moves me to lay on my back as he kisses me once more. Cock brushing against my folds as he does so causing us both to moan. He pulls away looks into my eyes before asking “Are you sure you want this?”

“Grayson, if you don't fuck me now I'll get Ethan too.”

That triggered something in him because he grabs his length teasing my clit with the head before he slowly presses himself into me. Taking is time making me feel every inch he has to offer. Once he's bottomed out, he looks up at me.

“Fuck so tight.” he moans “Let me know when I can move.”

It stings a bit, to be honest, I'd ever been with someone so big before. I take a moment to compose myself before I open my eyes to see Grayson with his eyes closed and head tipped back.

“You can move,” I whisper. His head snaps down to look at me before slowly pulling out and pushing back in. He's going gentle trying to get me use to him pounding my walls. A couple of thrusts and it's begging to feel amazing. I lift my leg up a bit and Grayson takes notice grabbing it and hooking it around his hip. This angle causing him to go deeper than before. I moan loudly as he hits the spot inside me.

“There?” He smirks as he rams into me a little harder.

“Fuck right there daddy.” I moan as he angles his hips to hit that spot every time. Skin slapping skin can be heard as well as moans from both of us.

“Harder please,” I beg as I scrape my acrylic nails down his back. He groans as he begins fucking me harder causing the bed to lightly knock into the wall.

“Such a tight little pussy. Fuck so wet for me. Feels so good.” Grayson moans in my ear hips never stopping his rough fast pace.

I reach down to rub my clit feeling incredibly close, Grayson slaps my hand away, using his thumb to run the nub “That's my job princess.” He says as he takes me faster.

“Fuck so close,” I warn as his thrust begin getting sloppy.

“Fuck me too,” Grayson says moving faster than before.

My back arches as I come to my climax, feeling his hard chest move against mine as he thrust one last time before releasing inside me. Warmth spreads throughout my body as he slumps against me. Pressing a wet kiss on my neck. He stays inside me and I feel him soften before he pulls out sitting on his knees to watch his seed leak out of me. He groans using his fingers to push some of it back in.

He removes his fingers coming back up to me tapping my mouth once more. I open it welcoming is cum. I suck his cum off his fingers humming at the taste as he lets out a soft groan.

“Fuck you're hot.” He says removing his fingers from my mouth. He lays beside me, pulling my flushed body into his.

Silence falls over the room. No one says anything. Grayson's fingers dig into my hips as if he's afraid I'll vanish. I turn to face the twin who was already looking at me.

“What the hell was that?” I ask, amusement in my voice.

He looks at me sheepishly before saying “I um...now probably isn't the best time to admit this but I um...I've always liked you and well...the girl I was talking about...”

“She wasn't real was she?” I ask

His face flushes “No...she um...she wasn't. I was by myself thinking of you.”

“You couldn't get there?” I asked placing my hands on his toned chest. He relaxes under my touch.

“I couldn't but, this wasn't about that...I um..I was horny obviously but I wanted you. I understand if you want this to be a one-time thing, I-”

“I like you too, you dumb ass.” I interrupt him

“Y-You do?” he asks surprise in his voice.

“Of course I do. Why do you think I'm always here?” I ask

“You told me that your apartment isn't quite enough to edit.” He says looking at me with a smile “You just wanted an excuse to be here?”

I nod “Ethan came up with the idea.”

“Ethan knew?” He asks annoyance in his voice

“I made him promise not to tell you,” I admit.

“What does this make us?” Grayson asks with a small voice, eyes trained on my collar bones.

“How about we go on a date and see where we go from there?” I ask as he looks up at me.

He nods leaning in to kiss me again, his bedroom door opens and a very annoyed looking Ethan walks in.

“I'm glad you two got together or whatever but did you really need to fuck while I was home?” Ethan says with a disgusted look on his face.

I laugh loudly “Sorry E.”

What It's Like to Be Transgender and Face Dysphoria and Body Dysmorphia at the Same Time

This piece is part of @allure's coverage of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

As someone with a fluctuating self-image and a trans person who feels a simultaneous external demand and internal anxiety to continuously communicate my gender, I’ve never felt at peace with my appearance. Sometimes my desire to be seen can be confusing; I barely have a solid grasp on what I look like, especially to other people. How I feel about myself is nearly always about other people.

Understanding myself through the eyes of others provides a blueprint for me to have control over my self-image. In part, I'm hesitant to admit that maybe the feeling that control eludes me is what it means to have body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria concurrently. Maybe these things are in the driver’s seat more days than I am, and that is a reality I fear confronting.

The Origin Story of My Body Image Issues

Both of my parents grew up poor in Jakarta, Indonesia. With a desire to shift the trajectory of the future for them and their children, they found and worked well-paying jobs. They raised my siblings and me in Jakarta, but in contrast to their childhoods, we were financially well-off. To us, food was more than just food — it signified financial safety, a lack of scarcity and hunger. For my parents, my siblings and I were not just children, we were pockets in which they could invest assurance and safety; a second chance to witness childhoods without want.

My parents worried about us ever going hungry, and by eight years old, I was consuming cod-liver oil supplements daily and eating almost nonstop. Physically, I came to embody abundance because, from my parents’ perspective, I should have never gone hungry. But this physicality was also a symbol of shame, because from everyone else’s perspective, I was merely a fat kid. In my consumption of the safety my parents provided, I was losing some of my agency as societal fatphobia affected me. My complex relationship with my body began early; with every look in the mirror, I asked myself, "Am I to be thankful or remorseful for this body?"

Realizing I Had Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Contrary to what I was told by my environment, I felt indifferent about my body fat. It meant very little to me, though I disliked the way it shaped how people treated me. As a preteen, I don’t recall feeling embarrassed about being fat, but I think that’s one of the survival tactics you develop when you’re subject to harassment as a fatter kid in class and at family gatherings.

Though most of my childhood didn’t revolve around my weight, I recall feeling frustrated — even confused — when I had to look at photographs and footage of myself. In my head, I had a very clear image of what I looked like, and yet it was far from what I saw in pictures and videos of myself. Maybe my weight was part of that gap in perception, but it felt deeper and heavier than size. Body weight can change, and I feared that the dissonance between how I saw myself and how I actually appeared would never go away, even if the body weight did. I recognize this now as body dysmorphic disorder (BDD).

“The main component of BDD in a person is the primary feeling they are not who they are, having displeasure, and being unable to accept oneself physically,” says Emily S. Rosen, a licensed clinical social worker in New York City, trained in modern psychoanalysis and Gestalt psychotherapy. “Sometimes people see themselves differently than they are; like you see something in yourself that might not be there, but it feels like it’s there.”

To work through BDD, Rosen tells Allure, “I believe that if we had more compassion for ourselves, we would have more compassion for each other.”

I have yet to fully embrace that compassion for myself, but coming out as a trans woman and pursuing a medical transition at age 18 was a huge step for me in reclaiming my body. It was monumental for me to say, “No, I’m not a boy, I’m actually a girl,” because I felt like I was taking back my physical narrative. But I soon found that I was unprepared for the additional set of complexities and questions transitioning brought up.

Understanding Gender Dysphoria

Similar to BDD, gender dysphoria (GD) occurs when there is a disparity between one’s gender and the perception of their gender through societal constructs. Transitioning for me was a way to work with my BDD, but not because I was initially dysphoric about my gender. In college, I recognized my appearance less and less as testosterone gradually increased and affected my development, changing physical aspects such as bone structure, face shape, hairline, body hair, and more. I figured if testosterone drove me to perceive myself as masculine in a debilitating way, the only answer was to undo its effects by going on estrogen.

A few weeks after coming out, I scheduled an appointment with a psychotherapist to obtain my approval letters to undergo hormone replacement therapy (HRT), in which the testosterone in my blood would gradually be substituted with a prescribed dosage of testosterone blockers alongside estrogen. As an Internet kid, it wasn’t hard to surf the Web to prepare myself for the questions psychiatrists would ask me before determining whether or not HRT would be a good fit for me.

Shortly after I got my approval letters diagnosing me with gender identity disorder (GID), I met with Carolyn Wolf-Gould, a family physician who, since 2012, has worked at the Gender Wellness Center in Oneonta, New York, a facility that has worked with over 700 trans patients. During our first physical exam, she felt my throat for what was supposed to be an Adam’s apple. When she didn’t feel anything there, she said, with a promising grin, “Ah, you’re going to be just fine.” Before that moment, I’d never thought to have an opinion about my neck's appearance.

I believe she meant to assure me that an Adam’s apple, or lack thereof, was not something for me to be dysphoric about, but this moment taught me something bigger: There is a mold of what a woman should look like, and it was possible for me to fit that mold. Yes, it was comforting that nothaving an Adam’s apple was one less thing to worry about, but in that moment, I began second-guessing other aspects of my appearance.

After our appointment, I created a routine for myself. To avoid a five-o-clock shadow that I wasn’t even sure was an issue, I began color-correcting my face before applying makeup. I covered myself up with cardigans to assuage the fear that my shoulders were too masculine. I dressed in hyperfeminine clothing because I wanted to minimize the risk of being perceived as anything other a woman.

Because of BDD, I had always had a generally strange perception of myself. When I transitioned, I noted the pressures and expectations of presenting as a woman and eventually developed GD, which gave me an idea about exactly how I wanted to look. I went from wanting to just realistically recognize myself in the mirror to wanting to see myself as a woman, without a doubt.

The Compounding Effects of My Dysmorphia and Dysphoria

Because BDD and GD coexist, I need people in my life to understand the varying capacities of strife they cause me and how the two can compound the effects of each other on a day-to-day basis. Having gender dysphoria has forced me to be more in tune with myself, perhaps too much. When communicating my gender, I am hyper-aware of the way I present myself. Though I wish I didn’t have dysphoria, having some grasp on my appearance lessens the dysmorphia that blurs my perception of self. But on certain days my dysmorphia still gets the better of me, and when I see my reflection, I’m back to a place of confusion. At other times my dysphoria has a strong presence, and the effort to stand in my womanhood feels embarrassing and ineffective.

I don’t need doctors or therapists to validate that I am a girl who has a body, and that my body and gender are never going to be mutually exclusive, be it by my standards or someone else’s. “The number one misunderstanding of gender dysphoria is that it needs a pathological diagnosis of gender identity disorder, or GID, under the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM),” Wolf-Gould tells me. “The reality is that many trans people aren’t dysphoric and still need treatment. Then, how do they get cover[ed] in insurance? Thankfully, now there’s a new diagnosis: ‘gender incongruence,’ which means there’s a mismatch without any overlay of depression or upset-ness.”

I have no blueprint or calendar or meteorology report to predict the things that might impact my day. A few weeks ago, on my way home from school, it rained suddenly. On the sidewalk, I walked by a mother twirling her daughter in the rain. In between the patter of raindrops, I heard the clear joy in the girl’s laughter. I felt it ground me, reminding me of when I lived in Indonesia. I loved the way the beach swallowed my body whole. The ocean water was the only thing that understood my body's changes. I could stand still or swim, and know with full certainty that the water would still envelop every inch of me. I want to know how to live like that on land.

Ridding myself of dysmorphia and dysphoria seems unimaginable, and the shame of being truthful about my body image keeps me in silence. Daily, I am working on breaking that remorse, finding reflection not in images, but in stories.

*edits assisted by Rosemary Donahue and the team at @allure*

Grateful Dead Monthly: Capitol Theater – Port Chester, NY 2/18/71

Fifty years ago, on Thursday, February 18, 1971, the Grateful Dead played a concert at the Capitol Theater in Port Chester, New York.

The Capitol Theater was designed by noted architect Thomas W. Lamb. It opened in 1926 as a vaudeville venue and movie palace with a capacity around 2,000. The Cap remained a cinema until 1970, when renovations transformed it into a performance space. Port Chester is thirty-five (or so) miles north and east of NYC, very close to Connecticut, so it was a nice in-betweeen stop for rock acts, including Pink Floyd, Janis Joplin, Traffic, Parliament-Funkadelic, and, obviously, the Good Ol’ Grateful Dead.

The Dead first visited the Cap for a two-night run of A/B sets in March 1970. They returned for a six-night run in February 1971.

In its post about 2/18, the Grateful Dead of the Day blog provided an overview:

These six shows at the Capitol Theater mark a transitional point for the band, which the new tunes partly evidence. The Dead had just come off their most commercially successful year to date with both Workingman’s Dead and American Beauty selling well the previous year, bringing new fans and embodying a new sound. But the boys never stood still musically, and they went into 1971 looking to continue to evolve. Pig was also becoming less and less of a presence in the mix as he played the organ and sang more infrequently. Pig’s reduced role pushed the Dead even further away from the psychedelic sound and deep blues that had been the very core of their sixties sound. 

(There’s also some stuff online about the six shows being an LSD ESP experiment. Super heady, and I couldn’t be bothered to investigate much because neither acronym is in my personal bailiwick. If you’re into either/both, check out this website.)

2/18 was drummer Mickey Hart’s last show with the band until 10/20/74. Dennis McNally, GD publicist and author of A Long Strange Trip, writes that Mickey was distraught that his father Lenny, the band’s money manager, had embezzled $150,000, and had to be hypnotized before the show. He returned to California afterwards, and Bill Kreutzmann was the sole rhythm devil for more than three years.

2/18 is famous for debuts – Bertha, Loser, Greatest Story Ever Told, Johnny B. Goode, Wharf Rat, and Playing in the Band. The best song, however, isn’t any of those; it’s not even a song, but rather a noodly section toward the end of the first set’s Dark Star > Wharf Rat > Dark Star sandwich. The Beautiful Jam remains one of the Dead’s most enduring moments, so much so that it was included in the massive five-disc, career-spanning box set So Many Roads. Here’s how the Capitol Theater’s website describes the jam:

The biggest highlight of the night is the “Beautiful Jam” that took place during Dark Star > Wharf Rat > Dark Star. Not only did it set the mood for the night, it set the mood for the year. It encompasses everything that the Grateful Dead was during 1971. From the blissful confidence to the intriguing mysticism, this segment is a definitive moment in Grateful Dead history. When radio personality David Gans played the jam for Phil Lesh in 1997, it brought tears to his eyes. To this day, it is revered by Deadheads across the world – a moment in time that is etched in Capitol Theatre history forever.

YouTube has audio of Phil’s reaction.

And the Grateful Dead Guide blog has a piece about ’71 Dark Stars that breaks down the entire segment in painstaking detail:

The first Dark Star of ’71 is one of the most unusual – for starters, it’s the only Star with Mickey Hart, and the last time we’ll hear him playing that guiro (or ‘scratcher’) in the intro jam. Not only that, but there’s another instrument tinkling like little bells throughout, giving this Star a very distinctive atmosphere. I used to think this was Mickey Hart on glockenspiel (something we’d heard in the 11/8/70 Star) – but it turns out it’s actually Ned Lagin on clavichord! His first show with them had been the Boston 11/21/70 show (where he can’t be heard); now that they were in the area again, he found himself onstage again. (As Lagin said, “I brought my clavichord down precisely to do acoustic music with Jerry. And I sat in the first night…. I did not sit in after the first night because everyone was adjusting to Mickey’s departure from the band… Jerry and I jammed during the days, clavichord and acoustic guitar.” You can also hear him occasionally later in the set, as in Candyman.)

Dark Star comes early, in the first set – the crowd screams when they recognize it. Garcia loses no time after the intro in taking the music to a more ‘mystical’ level with a few carefully chosen high notes. The feeling is calm, meditative – but the jam flows like a liquid surge into a brief burst of ecstasy after just a couple minutes, provoking more screams from the audience. Garcia quickly calms it down for the verse, which he sings very emphatically. (Then Weir completely blows his usual post-verse notes!) Rather than going straight to a space, the band tests the waters for a bit, Garcia trying a couple different approaches as the others drop out. This is where Lagin enters the jam, with some ringing chimes. Garcia finds a high note he likes and stays there (with one delightful peal of feedback). The music slides into a luscious harmonic space (Weir echoing Lagin’s chimes), but Garcia quickly bursts into the Wharf Rat chords, and the others follow – the crowd realizes they’re in another song now, and cheers. This is certainly one of the most dramatic Wharf Rat entrances.

The sad tale of August West unfolds for the first time. Garcia’s singing is strong, and though Wharf Rat has a few rough edges in its first outing, there’s so much conviction in the song, it’s still spine-chilling. (It’s also uncharacteristic for a Dead song, in that Garcia just strums the chords throughout, while Weir plays the melodic part.) The little solo at the end morphs before our ears into a Dark Star space, and with a little twist of the riff Garcia brings us back to the Dark Star theme. The music speeds up, and they start a new melodic jam around two alternating chords. (Many people say this is a Tighten Up jam due to the chord resemblance – but it’s not.) Garcia uses a breathtakingly piercing tone; and his playing is especially ethereal with some swoops of harmonized feedback. But Weir and Lesh also play perfectly in support, the music guiding them, all playing with one voice. The jam goes through several variations, pausing and resuming – once Garcia has had enough, he heads straight to the second Dark Star verse while the audience whistles. As the outro slowly unwinds, everyone wonders what will come next – of all things, Weir starts Me & My Uncle. After this, the band decides it’s time for a break – Weir announces, “We’re going to take a break, and you can watch our dust.”

GD of the Day isn’t too complimentary of Bobby’s vocals in Playing, and calls that song the “lowlight of the evening.” It’s not that bad, tbh. There’s a nice quip, too, in the intro to Greatest Story. Bobby says that “Mickey wants to call this one ‘The Pump Man,’ for reasons of his own.” I had that on a tape recorded from Gans’ Grateful Dead Hour back in college. Always fun to revisit. And the Saint Stephen > NFA > GDTRFB > NFA segment has some satisfying schlap.

ECM did lotsa legwork for this post, including photos of the Taper’s Compendium pages about this show.

(Thanks, buddy. As always, couldn’t and wouldn’t do this without you.)

So, listeners, you have a couple of options. 2/18/71 is now an official release – it’s the live part of the American Beauty 50th Anniversary Deluxe Edition.

Here’s a Spotify widget to just the show.

According to LMA poster ghostofpig, 2/18/71 is the first “Betty Board” – i.e., the first soundboard recording by legendary engineer Betty Cantor-Jackson. Transport to the Charlie Miller remaster HERE.

2/19/71 is also an official release – Three from the Vault.

That one’s not on Spotify. Idk why. It’s not as good, but you can find it, and rest of the run, on the LMA. You lazy hippies will have to figure out how to get there

More soon.

JF

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Bangkok to Host Second Asia Destination Film Forum on 30 January 2020

Bangkok will host the second Asia Destination Film Forum on 30 January 2020. The event, co-chaired by H.E. Mr. Itthipol Khunpluem, Thailand’s Minister of Culture, and Dr. Sorajak Kasemsuwan, Secretary General of the National Federation of Motion Pictures and Contents Association, will take place at Quaint Bangkok. First launched at the 2018 Mekong Tourism Forum in Nakhon Phanom, Thailand, by the Mekong Tourism Coordinating Office (MTCO), the forum is designed to showcase and recognize films that promote destinations and sustainability, through the power of visual storytelling. The forum will consist of sessions held by Nick Ray from Hanuman Films, Joe Cummings, editor at large of Bangkok 101, Fah Daengdej, Host of The Passion on Nation TV 22, and others, exploring how consumers are inspired to visit destinations by visual storytelling from movies to user-generated videos, how tourism boards can leverage films, how businesses can benefit from visual storytelling, and how it can drive sustainability.

In addition to sessions and case studies by Tom Waller, producer of “The Cave” (Thailand), and by Ekachai Uekrongtham, executive producer of the Netflix series “The Stranded” (Thailand), there will be case studies by the Singapore Tourism Board, Busan City Tourism Organization, as well as the Tourism Authority of Thailand. Winner of Best Feature Film at the 2019 San Diego International Film Festival “The Steed” (Mongolia), as well as Hanuman Films’ award-winning “The Last Reel” (Cambodia) will screen during the event. In addition, films submitted to the Thailand Film Festival, in collaboration with the Thailand Film Office of the Department of Tourism, and the Mekong Mini Movie Festival, in partnership with MTCO, will be shown during the forum. In the evening, the 2020 Asia Destination Film Awards, as well as the Mekong Mini Movie Festival Awards, will be presented, followed by a Mongolia BBQ Film Festival night with a Mongolian celebrity BBQ chef and traditional cultural performances hosted by the Ministry of Environment and Tourism Mongolia. Jens Thraenhart, Executive Director of MTCO and founder of the Destination Film Forum and Awards, said, “Today, video is one of the most powerful mediums when promoting a destination. It has the chance to awaken the wanderlust in the viewer by showing the essence and uniqueness of a place in just a few short moments. However, the power of inspiring people via film goes beyond promoting destinations; it can also drive change and responsible travel behavior, striving to emphasize tourism that is sustainable, responsible, environmentally conscious, and bringing benefits to local communities. In partnership with WWF and Khiri Travel, the Mekong Mini Movie Festival is creating awareness of sustainable tourism and conservation, focusing on the festival’s mascot, the endangered Mekong Dolphin.” A Destination Film Forum networking happy hour with film previews will take place at the popular Spectrum Lounge & Bar at the Hyatt Regency Bangkok Sukhumvit at 17:30 on 29 January. See latest Travel News, Interviews, Podcasts and other news regarding: Bangkok, Video, MTCO. 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The dress-up doll

I don’t remember if I posted this one before. It’s a piece from 2013 about G-Dragon. I decided to upload it here because well... I have heard Divina Commedia now and he seems to be singing about the same idea I had back when I wrote this (looks changed for audiences, representing monetary value more than human value, forgetting that you are a person, etc,). It hits me hard but at the same time I’m fascinated. I’m finally hearing him sing about things I have wondered about forever. Slight GD / TOP or actually whoever you want it to be.

Last night, I looked at pictures of myself. It’s something I usually do, because I have to check and approve of all the pictures made at photoshoots, especially when they are done by an outside party. But I shouldn't have. They upset me. It's happened before, and I could have seen it coming. I was in a worse state than the last time that it happened, and anyone could have predicted the effect they would have on me. But it's my job. I shouldn't run from my responsibilities. So I looked at them. There I stand, and staring into the camera. On some pictures I try to look like a badass. On others I come across as more seductive than anything else. I wear weird clothes that they picked for me, clothes to show off my skin. With some editing, it would look even more smooth than it already did. I flipped the photopaper around with my fingers. My face still seemed to be staring at me. It was probably because of how tired I was. I remember yawning deeply, getting up to get changed for the night, and returning to the desk to put my necklace on there. My eyes met my eyes again. I looked at them, judged them. I usually couldn't be bothered to feel any emotion when looking at myself. I try to be a professional. But when I do feel something, the only emotion present is anger. Anger that feels like a chokehold. I couldn't understand why the people at the magazine had chosen these pictures. I looked like a complete idiot with the cap over my eyes or the weird pose I was standing in. I didn't even recognize myself anymore. I saw make up; I saw expensive clothes on my cheap body. Another picture revealed even more. Some parts of my tattoos. My fake smile, my fake lips, my fake jaw. I never did like pictures taken from the side. I pressed my hands to my eyes, but doing so only reminded me of the shape of my head and how strange it felt to me. The readers of the magazine would all be looking at me, judging the way I looked, noticing every appalling detail from my everchanging haircolor to my perfect fake teeth. I couldn't bear it. And when I remembered all the other media appearances I would be making the next couple of months, I felt sick to the stomach. I know I am human. The nauseating feeling in my body proved it to me. But I only seem to be human when I'm alone, when nobody can see me. I am an object, a doll that can be put in an endless variety of positions, with all sorts of available outfits. They dress me up, they put me in front of a background, and I become the doll. I become G-Dragon. And I knew I could do that well. I knew I was the best at it. I told myself that the thrill of performing was worth it. And deep down, I realized that it was. There was no other way to the stage. But what did it mean when I was by myself? It meant nothing. The doll only exists with an audience, and when it has none, it is dead. He walked in; I could tell it was him even from my position underneath the blanket. I heard the distinct click of him locking the door from the inside. For safety. I understood that, but I didn't feel ready for him. Not right now. He said my name. I ignored him, not fully aware of my hands clenching the covers. His big hand touched my head. It was warm and he stroked my hair just like before. It made me feel all kinds of things. His voice is so deep that it sometimes seems to vibrate through my entire body. I felt the same then, as he sat down on the bed and pronounced my name again. I wanted him. I knew I did. I couldn't deny the way my body responded to him. I just couldn't look up. I couldn't face him. Not without GD. GD was not in me right now. I was an empty shell and I felt so sick I believed I could break when he touched me. He gently put his hand in my neck and I inhaled sharply, unable to control myself. He is stronger than me. He turned me around without much effort; with force. It made me shiver, but I couldn't tell whether it was out of fear or out of desire. His hands were on the sides of my face. The broken pieces of my face, that had been assembled to fit the tastes of the mass market. I kept my eyes shut. My shame was too deep to face him. And I knew he was the same, to a certain degree. But he wasn't a doll. He had never been one. Perhaps I had been a doll from the outset. My fake lips trembled hopelessly when he touched them. Maybe now, they would finally rip themselves apart. Monday, the 9th of September 2013 11:40 PM