#and there’s no one I can talk to bc everyone’s connected
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🌸 NEST post incoming… 🌸
“In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.” ✨
Wow… I don’t even have the words to express the gratitude, bliss, and surreal feeling i have to have met all of the wonderful people at NEST. Thank you to everyone for the best time and for making my first NEST so unforgettable! I’m so sad I had to leave early, but the time I did get with everyone was BEYOND beautiful!! I met so many amazing loving people, the respectfulness and kindness (and bullying AHEM 🙄😜) I experienced from you all is just absolutely special and beyond any group/community I’ve been apart of. A HUUUGE thank you to the incredible organizers for creating such an amazing event. To my old and new friends: I LOVE YOU BIG!!
I know this is a kinda late NEST post hahah and I’m sure one day I’ll make a post of all the fun stuff that happened, or maybe I’ll keep some of it as memories between us, but I just absolutely had to make an appreciation post for the people that made it so special because that’s what it’s all about for me 🥰
~ firstly a huge thank you to @spiffytickler for being an amazing friend and the whole reason I even made it to NEST in the first place!! Seriously wouldn’t have even been there without you, and I’m so grateful to you, my dear friend ☺️ plus your pep talks and protector/“mother hen” energy was so appreciated, and I adore you ❤️
~ and of course the beautiful and sweet @yourlittlettoy with your illuminating presence and your sweet lil gifts just make my whole heart smile!! How did I get so lucky to know you let alone have a bestie in you!! ❤️❤️ I love you forever!
~ getting to meet and spend time with @kusugurihime was an absolute pleasure and joy, you’re such a sweetie pie! I can’t wait for us to reunite 🥹❣️
~ a huge thank you to @mister-ttt for being the sweetest friend, the best bidder HEHEH and just having a heart of gold, and being an amazing protector. Even though we met at NEST you’ve already easily become one of my favorite people and I see a sweet friendship blooming 🥰
~ getting to finally meet @toadallytickles was also a cherry on top!! Your kindness and attentiveness to your friends helps me see the sweetness in your soul and I’m grateful you extended that same sweetness to me, and I can’t wait to see you again ☺️
~ @puzz-ler we finally got to actually hug and have an amazing time after years of being friends, and you’re easily cementing your bestie status too 😂🫶🏾 as sassy as you can be 🙄 lol but you’re still great and so generous with your kindness, which I forever appreciate 🖤
~ and meeting @ticklita literally made my whole weekend that much better bc you’re such a sweet, kind, precious lil strawberry 🍓 and I can’t wait to visit you and see you again!! 🥰
Plus many, many, many more that would probably take up your whole page for miles hahah i wish I could tag every single person who made nest special! But I promise if I didn’t tag you, you still mean a lot to me. And simply put, I’m already dreaming of reuniting again with you all with massive hugs and cheek kissies soon 😘💋 I can’t wait to see you all again, and I hope everyone who went had a truly amazing experience. If we met and didn’t get each other’s info to keep in touch, please feel free to message me and connect! The giggles, laughter, teasing, bratiness, jokes, silliness, love, and just the right amount of “mean-ness” were perfect hehe. My lil subby lee heart is full and missing you all already ❤️
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Blocking ppl both makes me feel safer and yet skyrockets my paranoia
#cw for potential derealization#in the tags specifically#following this point on#now#pls don’t read if u think it may trigger u in anyway <3#BUT MAN#it makes me feel strangely like???#seen???#like everyone must be watching me and hating me and they’re all going to get me now#blocking friends of mutuals bc they interact/post v triggering content for me makes me feel awful#like that mutual is going to appear at my house#they’re watching my every move and are gonna be like [mutual why did kite block me ??] and the mutual will be like#[yeah that’s fucking stupid why did she block u] and everyone is going to hate me#they’re gonna turn on me and come to my house and steal my bones#and there’s no one I can talk to bc everyone’s connected#no actually I do have one [1] mutual who I think?? is pretty similar to me in what they like/tolerate#and in the little circle of kvnikida fans I kind of know that if they’re not following X bigger artist something strange abt them is -#probably going on BWHDJSJS- and they’ll never know who they are cuz we never fucking talk#but I appreciate them sm- but man fucking sucks#mental illness right? what’s it like to just be able to ignore things and accept u can’t please everyone?#I need to return to ccs asap LMAO#Before I have a legit paranoid episode over this-
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Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!
You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!
You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!
You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!
Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!
Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!
So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.
Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!
Better accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues should suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.
Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.
Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*
Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...
Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.
Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.
Better not get confident.
Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)
Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people
- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties
- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations
- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you
- you might start loving the effect you have on a room
- you might enjoy conversations more
- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently
- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations
- you might stop apologizing so much.
- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.
Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!
Why, it would be carnage!!
In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things!
- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.
- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.
- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.
- You might know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.
You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.
So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to take to cut your awkward self some slack for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.
#social skills#i have a few posts now in my ' social skills' tag#original#maybe eventually I will compile them and polish them in some meaningful way. I know what I want to call the book title#in big text it'll say 'I'M AUTISTIC' and then beneath that in smaller text 'And I Have Better Social Skills Than You'#or something to that effect. and the cover of the book will be me making an exaggerated smug face like the little rascal I am#challenging the viewer to pick up the book and see if they can prove me wrong.#and then the entire first section of the book is about how actually the issue with our society's social skills is the harsh judgment#for people who have trouble communicating and not the other way around. I don't actually think I'm the#most charismatic person in the world by a very long shot. but i do know that I have put more thought into my social skills than#most allistic people and frankly i have surpassed most of them. not because i am more persuasive or smooth or funny#(tho i am persuasive and funny lol) but bc i have questioned which social functions are more restriction than utility.#and instead i have focused my energy on actively learning how to make people feel safe. i feel social rules would benefit all people by#being a little more autistic tyvm. i don't think every person should dedicate themselves to being better at communicating#i think people should dedicate themselves to being kind and patient to everyone regardless of their ability to communicate#I think our society wrongly links communication ability to intelligence and intelligence to level of humanity.#when in fact all three of those things are fucking unrelated and connecting them inevitably leads to#really fucked up views on disabled people that hurt us. and then with that aspect of the book firmly understood and established I would#go on to recommend some ways to make socializing easier and more fulfilling (and less shameful and terrifying) for all kinds of people#it wouldn't be a book about Leaning In To Succeed in Business or 'here's how to avoid being the awkward loner at a party'#it'd be a book about how if you see someone alone at a party here's how to invite them to join your group without pressuring them#stuff like 'hot tip! if someone takes a while to type or speak a full sentence - talking over them b4 they can finish makes u an asshole!'#I know that a lot of people cannot or don't want to dump a lot of skill points into socializing like i did and they shouldn't have to in#order to experience basic dignity and respect. if we treat people like that then we just validate that people - especially#autistic children and elders and disabled people of manu varieties - have to suffer unless they learn all these arbitrary bullshit rules#and a lot of them are arbitrary bullshit! one of the reasons I throw people off so much is because I harmlessly break a lot of social rules#but I know I'm doing it and I'm not ashamed and people just don't know what to do with that! but a lot of them like it actually!!#i think it's a relief to be around someone so openly and unrelentingly weird bc what am I gonna do? judge you for being weird??#I only care if you're kind. not necessarily 'nice' or passive. Kind. Brave enough to care about people being treated well. Kind.#also I recognize that at least some of my ability to be openly weird is white privilege so that's important to acknowledge too
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hello i sent the ask like an hour ago about being the guy bullied for having tiddies and i feel like i should say a couple things to clarify.
It should absolutely be feminism 101 that the patriarchy hurts everyone, thats the point i was trying to make in sharing
At the time the bullying happened I identified as cis. This is to say that being a cis guy doesnt shield you from this bullshit, people will still cup your chest and announce a cup size to humiliate you
no yeah ur good!! it's so insane how like. the patriarchy + beauty standards + Everything like Inherently affect cis men and men in general negatively and yet ppl will still say it only affects women like ..idk the lack of like. nuance & understanding is so wild 2 me !!
#ask#idksilver#like i saw a post ages ago along the lines of 'well i dont care how the patriarchy affects men bc women are the ones being oppressed'#and idk i just feel like . we should care abt men and everyone of any gender . and how the patriarchy affects Everyone#bc how can we solve these like. societal problems without addressing Everything#and on a more like. practical level. its sooo much easier to connect with a guy ur talking abt feminism w if ur like#'ok u know how in middle school if u wore a certain type of jeans u were called gay. thats toxic masculinity which is bc of the patriarchy'#rather than if u say 'you are ontologically evil for being a man' like . 💀WHO IS THAT HELPING#<- sry that was only like half related FJDKGFS#but yeah no i forget people like . dont think the patriarchy hurts men as well cuz it seems so obvious 2 me ???idk
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guys what if i want to make my own apollo justice game.
#i need to write a prequel to aa4 pls pls pls pls pls#okay get this: so phoenix isnt disbarred yet and he doesnt have trucy. hes still taking and winning cases#one day he gets a call from edgeworth and hes all like ''wright i need your assistance'' and hes like what for and edgeworth goes#''ive been given the most ridiculous case and i think youre the only man in law who can take care of it''#so phoenix bikes his ass to the detention center and boom. child behind bars#and phoenix is like ??? hey kid what are doing here. and this kid is the most surly mfer on the planet like you couldnt get-#-a word out of him if you tried. hes kinda giving phoenix the stink eye too but hes just the littlest guy on earth#and phoenix feels bad for him so he tries to get a rundown of the case (maybe edgeworth gave him an autopsy report or smth beforehand)#but get this. the kid still wont speak. he hasnt even moved a muscle. and after some prodding you find out this little dude-#-doesnt speak english (i dont love aa6 but i think apollos tragic backstory can be interesting so we're going w that but taking it seriousl#anyways so maya is like omg this kid is speaking khurainese but hers is kinda broken bc shes not from the mainland and only knows it-#-from like prayers#so you only get bits and pieces of the kids testimony. plus he still doesnt wanna talk bc ''dhurk told me not to talk to you''#so you start following the new lead but you ask too many questions and apollos like oh shit i said too much and wont talk to you anymore#but now you have two leads: khur'ain and a man named ''dhurk'' plus the fact that this is kid might be new to america since-#-he cant speak english but is smack dab in the middle of california. its all v curious and phoenix wants to get to the bottom of it#for the rest of the case i feel like it would go in the direction of ''we dont know exactly whats up w this dhurk guy or where this kid-#-came from but we do get him acquitted and phoenix is able to save him from the dark path he was heading towards'' thus steering apollo-#-in the direction of law and giving him a wayyyy better reason than aa6 gave him <3#i kind of like the interlinked nature of ace attorney's storytelling. like everything leads into smth else and everyone is impacted-#-by another person before they even become properly entangled w each other's lives#like how mia faced dahlia years before she met phoenix but dahlia was the one to connect them#or how trucy gave phoenix the diary paper but she's also the one who ropes apollo into the waa. even before they know they're siblings#or how lamoire left apollo and trucy as children and when they reunite as adults they cant recognise each other but they all find each-#-other anyways#i could go on but i think this could be cool yknow esp bc i think the most interesting thing about apollo's aa6 backstory is his life-#-post dhurk. like where did he stay? was he a foster kid? was he put into the system? how did that affect him? what kind of ppl took him in#i just wanna know how that whole thing would have effected him bc like when yiu think about it how did he even get to america?? his dad's#-considered a terrorist. idk man i think its interesting and apollo and dhurks interactions are one of the only good parts of aa6
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Mine and my girlfriend's special interests are so funny to me bc I'm just like "hi I'm autistic and my special interest is dinosaurs uwu" and then you ask what her special interests are and it's like
The wreck of the Titanic
The Russian Revolution
The assassination of JFK
Unsolved murder cases from the 1800s
Stage magic
#my special interest is way more than just dinosaurs im oversimplifying ahdjska#dinosaurs are actually one of the least interesting parts of deep time to me#but theyre easier for me to talk about bc its the part everyone is already familiar with#my FAVORITE part of deep time is the animals that came before the dinosaurs#ESPECIALLY all the funky little dudes in the cambrian period#but also the beginning of life itself and all the animals that preceded and evolved into the classifications we know today#(the first vertebrates! the first land animals! the ancestors to amphibians and reptiles and mammals and dinosaurs!)#and also the things that came after them? like megafauna are really cool#and i love learning about the evolution of human ancestors too#and maybe even a bit of archaeology instead of paleontology if im feeling spicy (which would be humans less than 10000 years ago)#and theres other cool fields too like paleogeography?? like the study of ancient supercontinents and how they formed??#anyways im rambling. my point is that i think its funny that i have a somewhat stereotypical special interest with facets that all connect#while she has a lot of seemingly more random ones#a while back i picked up my qpp while i had some of trixies books in my car that she had asked me to return to the library#and as i moved the 6-7 books about the russian revolution out of my passenger seat i was just like#well. you probably can tell which special interest trixie is hyperfixating on right now 😂#other times she'll check out a bunch of jfk books or titanic books or magic books at once and go through them like crazy#and shes done a lot of personal research into different unsolved murder cases from the 1800s. even wanted to write a book at one point#i know im poking fun here but my gf is one of the coolest people in the world and has really cool special interests#it is my honor and privilege to listen to a goth girl infodump about historical murders and tragic accidents and magic o7#rambling
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god i really hope the concordia and anthea stuff is as good as i remember it being bc ngl the plasma arc has really been lacking
#i didnt even remember N started traveling with them at one point tbh i thought they only sporatically met up#and i can see why i forgot bc he does practically nothing in these episodes. which REALLY sucks bc holy shit#thats a ton of missed potential when he can literally talk to pokemon and consideringhis beliefs#during the last episode N couldve only learned charizards backstory tbh and that couldve led him on a tirade abt how awful humans are#and then ash and charizards actual bond comes through and he learns that ash has helped charizard and charizard still loves humanity#maybe even retcon the disobedience arc to connect to that. but no he has a one off line abt how hes disgusted w charmanders trainer#and he sees charizard and he really just goes goo goo eyes at it like everyone else in the episode#like??? was he just added in at the last minute bc they thought itd flow better than him just showing up in driftveil??#idk the episodes where he... yknow... does things relevant to his character are still really good but the filler is dragging this arc down#also nitpick but N was knocked flat out so why didnt team plasma attempt to take him here#they knew he was and they want to capture him but they just... dont? and run off anyways#have concordia and anthea save him from an attack from them guys have them be even more swag#echoed voice#pokeani lb#idk i know N is supposed to be his bw2 self but its clear hes supposed to have lingering resentment towards humanity#so its weird that he only gets one off lines that are ultimately ignored
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My mom was just like ahhh Im anxious to go out of my comfort zone and I was like you’re good how is this out of your comfort zone you’ve done this before and she was like why do you always judge my feelings and say I’m not allowed to feel that way I should feel some other way and I’m sitting here like :| as if she hasn’t done that to my my entire life and as if I didn’t mean you’ve done this before as a you got this sentiment not get over urself
#literally she said that and I just put my headphones on and went into my room bc if I had stayed out there I would’ve said ‘like you’ve done#to me my entire life’ and she would’ve had a shitty night and yelled and/or cried at me and I would’ve felt bad#so I just put my headphones on and walked away and it’s just like god how can she be so fucking unaware#like I got these fucking habits from somewhere like you think maybe growing up depressed and suicidal in a family that didn’t talk about or#publicly feel their emotions made it difficult for me to express things and you think maybe you making me feel bad constantly because of my#depression and on top of my depression might have transferred into me saying things that hurt you and not meaning it#but I can’t say any of this becusse obviously she didn’t mean it at the time she didn’t know how to deal with me but fuck man it just fucks#me up cause i don’t want to be constantly trying to get pay back against my mother or whatever but I also feel like she’s constantly trying#to say shit to me about her going on dates or whatever when I have repeatedly told her I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t like when#she jokes about it and I tell her to like get a hobby other than men and like I’m joking but I’m fucking not#like she spends all her time out with guys or talking about guys or texting guys while we’re supposed to be hanging out and I have both#never felt more isolated and alienated from my family and have never felt this weirdly connected to my family#like I feel like how my mother felt when I was doing stupid shit and she didn’t want to say anything and when she did I’d be an asshole but#she’d be right and idk it’s just like how do I stay mad at my mother while doing the same things she did to me then#but how do I stop doing them if I can’t address why I’m doing it and how do I address it if I feel like I need to tell her#but I’ve told her and it doesn’t help it only makes her feel bad#how do I let myself feel my emotions. how has everyone else been doing it this whole time and it’s fucking impossible for me#ugh.#fuck.#I’m gonna take one of my crying edibles and see if I can get listening to some sad music and let some tears out of my face#and then I’m gonna play Minecraft tonight with 🧍🏻 and he doesn’t know I have a pet bird yet or about my trip so that’ll be fun
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one of the coolest parts about magazines were the specials they would make for certain occasions like nme every Christmas would get a set of artists and they'd pick another artist to dress up as which was so cool and everyone just had a good time and they'd create something somewhat memorable that fans would also love
#then again the most popular acts used to be also the most interesting#which now is simply not the case like who would want to see harry styels as David Bowie or Taylor swift as Madonna . no one#in a way the death of music journalism is inherent with the death of good popular music#which is not to say All popular music nowadays sucks bc there are obviously exceptions#but the thing is it used to be the other way around most of the popular music was good but there were a few bad exceptions#and now it'd be rare if u found something Good in the top 40#which also says a lot of how the music industry has changed#and now it's just so much harder to make it as a good musician bc most ppl are simply interested in simple and basic tiktok music#a lot of ppl say social media and the internet makes it easier for musicians but that's clearly not true#music journalists used to go straight to the source of music pubs bars small avenues and would give everyone a chance#and now to have people talking about you u must either have connections money or go viral on tiktok#and it takes so much more for a good band to make it than it previously used to#and now that I'm working in a label i see it more clearly like there are just so many good artists trying to make it#and it's so sad how in order to do so you rely completely on social media and online platforms#and idk . as always u can blame it on capitalism as labels and the industry in general are just out to get money not bc they actually care#which has led to the death of music journalism and the rise of mediocre musicians
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I just finished reading Letter to a Stranger by Colleen Kinder (and, of course, many many others) and it was quite a unique read for me
when given the choice (the time), i always read a book all at once in a few hours or over the course of a day or two (depending on how long it is). i’m not so good at pacing myself when it comes to books (i never willingly pace myself...i’m bad). when i don’t have the time, i’m terrible, it’ll take me months to finish a book because i feel so demotivated knowing i might be able to read a few chapters but no more because i’m too busy.
but i started reading this book on the 17th of july, a sunday. i read a few letters. i called it a night. i had a busy week. the 22nd, friday, i read some more letters. i had time to read the majority of the book but i put it down. i read an entire fiction book instead over the course of 2 ish days. i loved that book. i read some more letters. i read some letters each night before bed. just a few. i honestly think this was the first book i’ve ever deliberately paced myself on because it felt like it’d be better consumed slowly, like reading it all at once would ruin it.
i really liked it. not every letter to a stranger of course, some drew my interest more than others. but i just loved the concept. when i think of people who have been a part of my life in one way or another, i never think of strangers. friends, family, teachers, school peers, friends parents, bosses, coworkers, sports leaders/coaches, and so on and so forth, i think of them. but if you ask me about strangers, it’s definitely true some have stuck in my mind often without so much as a name.
When I was 15, I spent one night in the hospital for observation, I was in severe pain and felt miserable but there was a girl in the bed next to me who i remember thinking of as beautiful and falling slightly in love with her (that may have been the very strong pain meds they had me on but still). when morning came, her family came to visit, and her boyfriend. He kissed her and i remember feeling like ‘aw man...’ but then he called her Sharlina and i was like wow that’s a name as beautiful as she is, I’m going to write that down. And I did. And it’s still in my notes. The first name in a list I started of names I like. The name doesn’t particularly appeal to me now but then I remember her and I’m like never mind it’s still beautiful.
Across the room from me was a woman who’d just had kidney stones removed or something of the sort. She was feeling like shit, I remember. Her son had found her passed out and called 111. But in the middle of the night when I was throwing up painfully into a small hospital container she pulled back the curtain around my bed, asked if I wanted her to get a nurse, and patted me on the shoulder. She couldn’t even get up to use the bathroom earlier! But the second she heard a kid around her son’s age throwing up it was like fuck it, my pain is irrelevant, I’m going to help. I never forgot that act of kindness.
and that’s just one occasion. there’s been so many strangers that have a cemented place in my memory it’s wild. and i guess i also have a place in some people’s memory as a stranger who did x.
when i was walking home from high school when i was maybe 14 years old I was stopped by a little kid, maybe 6 or 7, who explained he was walking home from school but was a bit scared. I held his hand and walked with him in the opposite direction from my house talking about his day at school on the way to his house making sure he got there safely until his parents car pulled up alongside us and they took him home from there. i dunno if he’d remember that. it was a minor act on my part, no big deal for me. but it’s cases like that I guess I might’ve stuck for some people.
I know some people hate the idea of Being Known. But from this book I’m actually quite fond of some glimpses people may have caught of me and remembered. Not knowing my name, or anything about me, just that I was doing x once and it was weird or interesting enough that it stuck. I’ll never know any of that. They’ll never know me I imagine. But little fragments of me could exist in random strangers too. that’s a cool thought to me. maybe i’m the grown ass adult they saw jumping in puddles, or the one wearing weird ass neon pink leopard print sweatpants to a council meeting, or the one who couldn’t get a hearty mince pie out of the cafe shelf without spilling half of it on myself, or the person licking an ice block on the coldest day of winter, shivering. i have no clue what’d stick of my actions. but it’s a fun idea to me.
#the taxi driver at the airport who directed us to the competitor company in front bc that was etiquette that we didn't know#and they didn't care about a potential customer just the respect of the system#the time i got pushed through into a blood test place in a wheelchair and everyone else in the room jumped to their feet#and shifted everything out of the way so i could be wheeled through#without a word while moving. just a 'can i help?' after#the girl from high school who barely knew me but invited me to her home after school when it was raining and hers was closer than mine#whose mum was delighted to meet me despite not knowing a thing about me prior. a warmth#when i was a kid fishing off the wharf without much luck and a random stranger fishing there recommended luncheon to us#we got a roll of it for fishing every summer after that. it was far cheaper with more of it and it worked#one summer i was walking home from hs and it was ridiculously hot and a car pulled up alongside me and offered me a ride home#it was the parent of someone i went to primary school with who THOUGHT they recognised me. and wanted to help#the kid i talked to a few times when i worked in the local library who told me lots about dinosaurs each time he got books out#haha the group of bellydancers who took care of me during a christmas parade i rode my bike in#like it just goes on and on#could not tell you the name or anything more about 95% of these people! just random fragments interacting in my life#anyway. i really liked the book. made the world feel more connected less separated#letter to a stranger
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i hate reading hangovers in fics bc either not a single fic writer ever has written an accurate hangover OR mine are just weird and you know what i think i can tell which one it is. like where is my representation for the bitches that get incredibly depressed when they're hungover. like it cant just be me alcohol is literally a depressant. i have to actually police myself and my thought process when im hungover bc ive realised it just makes me unreasonable. i have to go 'we'll think about this tomorrow' no matter how pressing the problem seems bc i honest to god cannot respond proportionally when im hungover i convince myself the world is ending and that im an awful awful person and yeah okay i can see why people aren't adding this fun part of hangovers into their cute fluff fics now
#like i can handle it bc i know it's just bc im hungover but it's still shitty#MUCH shittier than a little headache and nausea#it's different for everyone obvs#but my specific brand of it is that i get really self-loathing and i convince myself that someone somewhere is angry with me#so for example i was hungover on wednesday and saw my mum (never a good combo) and i owe her money#but she's not been that stressed about me giving it back to her#but yk what? the ENTIRE day i couldnt stop thinking about it and convinced myself a huge argument was coming#and that she was mad at me and i just felt guilty and awful all day#woke up the next morning right as rain immediately like 'why on god's name was i so stressed about that it's not even a big deal'#hangovers are mental#im talking about this here mainly to complain but also this is one of those drinking things that took me YEARS to figure out#so id just have really awful days and i could never figure out the correlation between how i felt and if i was hungover#so im saying it here to keep in case other people havent connected the dots yet either lol#im pretty sure the way i even found out was bc i complained once about how down i get when hungover#and abby had to be like 'babe alcohol is a fucking depressant' and i was like oh... OH#smthn smthn there should never be any pressure on people to drink but we should still very much be better at educating about it smthn smthn
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parent: shoves soap in my whole mouth for "talking back"*
parent: why can't u brush ur teeth n don't like things in ur mouth
*I to this day as a whole ass adult have no understanding of what the fuck I was ever punished for when I was punished for talking back. that's code for ur autistic and I don't understand you but that makes me feel bad so ur in trouble. btw this will forever impact ur ability to hold conversations :)
#i can acknowledge my grandfather abused the shit out of me and is largely why my anxiety and self hate is so bad but recognizing where my#parents mistreated me is a wound that still feels a bit too fresh but has also been festering for a while. i know everyones parents fuck#them up but yoinks. maybe one day ill recover enough to make something abt the connection between autism and trauma and how its ~different~#but this is good seeing who planted these thoughts in my head can help me challenge and replace it eventually. the problem is that they had#me bc they thought they had to and oh might as well my parents raised me to wholely respect them and used violence so ill be 20% nicer and#so i am such a good parent now :}. like i hate this bitter feeling in my heart when i think about how my mom's hurt me but i dont know if#pain from that conversation will ever be worth it. shes nothing but kind now and i can forgive. somethings do still trigger me though but#then i just feel guilt for lashing out. for talking back :\
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im starting to wonder…..do i have an intense personality? is that what that means? is that why i always feel out of place next to my friends that are okay with simple things like making their lives into tiktok aesthetics and watching whatever’s trendy? things like this make me sound so pretentious right? i just don’t know how to make myself fit in the right way i don’t really care abt gossiping abt cute guys n girls i don’t really care to pick things up just bc other ppl say i should? i always feel like a dud
#i thought abt it#when i saw it on an instagram post ‘they love me for the stuff they don’t like abt me’ i can’t have a small conversation#abt actors i think are attractive or movies i thought were funny#i think maybe i think so logically at times im not sure where the disconnect is#but it’s really alienating that i can’t feel normal like the rest of them#and it’s okay if i don’t feel normal around two of my friends bc they listen to me attentively regardless so the things im saying don’t fee#so strange but for the others i keep getting this feeling of boredom from them and they always sit on their phones when im speaking it real#feels disrespectful. but these are things that make me wonder if i really am autistic i can’t ever get this part right#i don’t think i have an intense personality everyone always calls me lighthearted#but if that’s true why can’t i ever have lighthearted conversations and say things like ‘i love this movie i love this actor i love this ti#tok’ everything is so serious to me i take everything seriously i take my friends my family their lives are so serious to me#i have a deep responsibility to take care of each and every person i meet but it seems like most ppl see each other as someone to eat lunch#with once in a while and post on bereal why does that sort of thing irritate me so much you know? why am i the only one so confused and ups#abt being friends w someone who likes to laugh abt guys on tinder you know? i feel like im back in a glass house i can’t get myself to#understand it i can’t understand it and it’s really irritating me like if i can’t get it now won’t i always have trouble making friends?#i feel like it shouldn’t be this difficult to manage i just wish i felt okay being myself around more people it almost always comes back to#this i probably don’t have an intense personality and i know how to navigate small talk just fine!!! but this disconnect where i just keep#reciting facts i know or connecting different scenarios and conversations together…..#i can never be like ‘oh he’s cute!’ it’s always ‘he looks like this person from this’ i guess no one seems to mind bc they still carry me#around like a wheat sack but it bothers me so much……i don’t like that i feel disconnected there’s nothing they can do to fix that im the on#thts broken about it im the one who doesn’t get it im the one who doesn’t like making plans with the endgame being taking photos i just can#find the heart in spending the time w these guys and it’s not that i don’t have fun but it all feels so empty#they’re in the garden having tea but im in the greenhouse alone i don’t know what to do#it’s not like they’re shutting me out i just don’t feel understood. and even if i explained it the solution isn’t so simple as setting#boundaries or having one on ones i just feel empty the circuits been broken for so long…#im glad i can put this into words tho—i wish i could tell my younger self that they aren’t misunderstanding her on purpose just that she’s#hardwired to be misunderstood to begin with….i dunno#i wish i lived where i could meet my mutuals for coffee in honesty even though all i can hear is your thoughts….but maybe we would get alon#and i wouldn’t have to feel so confusing all the time#i wish i had gotten to call my namjoon friend this weekend but since my other friend came over i wanted to be respectful
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Just got reminded that vivi says nami predicts the weather with her body and wouldn't that be a kind of observation haki or am I reaching
#also crying about namis backstory again. nothing new. my girl.....#watching melontree's video about her.... i am honestly surviving the self imposed hiatus with those videos#i can only watch one ep of shogun a day max and then invincible and then xmen 97 which i can hopefully mix in bc they are shorter....#one piece was so easy to eatch just bc the episodes are 20 minutes. 1 episide for a 20 min snack break. two or three for lunch. you know#yes i mostly watch series when i eat. no free time what uni does to a mf.#anyways that was a tangent#also it just fucking clicked that robin joined luffy bc he wanted her to live when lit everyone wanted her dead. oh my god. since the start#do you think she reminded him of ace.... or maybe ace at that age didnt understand ace like that.... omg.....#watching robin's video and crying too i cant handle their backstories omg.... my girls.....#like her mother telling her to live and robin having such a shit life that she doesn't follow her mothers wish but the opposite.... my god#my god her hope for human connection.... somebody sedate me#talking tag#watching one piece
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Ppl who would get called "aphobes" by Tumblr: annoying but fine
Ppl who try to be inclusive but fuck up: genuinely the worst please go away
#''this character who is characterized as being a womanizer/unromantic and just interesting in sex is around!'' no they're just a misogynist#Cause it's always a dude#Anyway shut up and stop headcanoning characters as ace/aro/aroace until you think thoughts ok#And also stop talking like asexuality and aromanticism are inherently linked theyre commonly connected but there are ace ppl who aren't#Aro and more importantly (bc no one can be normal abt this) ARO PEOPLE WHO ARENT ACE#Anyway I'm aro before I'm ace and everyone needs to be quiet. And also I'm transgender not every ace/around/aroace person is cis#I hear too damn much Abt cishet aces/aros
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im so frustrated every time I talk to my dad and it somehow devolves into him spouting transphobic sentiment (usually in a huge reach leap of logic that immediately devolves our conversation). This is a new development. I'm so tired. Transphobia is what it is but I hate how it's genuinely rotting people's brains and stopping them from having more nuanced conversations bc they think whipping out their transphobia card is this huge gotcha. U fucking dumbass you've gotten stupider. Love how he was using it to argue for eastern culture being superior bc we're more controlling and disciplined etc etc "look what happens when westerners give their children too much freedom"
#surprise motherfucker your own kid is definitely queer#and also most likely trans#it's hilarious bc he keeps bringing up how he thinks this thing is dumb (suicide. Called the ppl who did it idiots and wasteful) and how#this other thing is disgusting (hates gay people. Doesn't want to exist in the same space as them)#laughs openly at every fat person he comes across#my father is a good man all things considered#he will be civil in the presence of everyone even members of the communities he is prejudiced against#and he offers resources in terms of money connections etc to the people in his life#and he treats his family and friends well#but it's shocking how alienating random conversations with him can be#I remember listening to the news on the radio when he drove me to school one morning and they were talking about a kpop idol who#had committed suicide#and he immediately started disparaging the idol#as a casually suicidal person I never forgot that#I still don't understand why people have such violently negative reactions to things they don't agree with#doesn't help anyone#just stops ppl from talking to u#also the most fucked up people I've met are the ones who came from the background of this 'superior and disciplined' Eastern culture bc the#parents were controlling freaks and abusive#and we have all the same problems just expressed in different ways#but there's always gotta be sides in these kinds of conversations right#fuck I just hate everything I'd be happy to just stop rn tbh there's no point to the rest of my life#I'm already doing everything I want to#I'm good man someone flip my switch#suicide tw#transphobia tw#homophobia tw#yells into void#I hate how every one of my friends have similar stories#just fucking . Let us live. We're never gonna impact ur lives that much I fucking promise
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