#and then feeling guilty for that resent
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Concept: Will gets vecna’d and there’s a scene of him running through the forest in the dark in the upside-down, and he can hear the search party and hopper yelling “Will Byers,” but they can’t hear him when he stop running and yells back, screams that he’s here. they just keep yelling his name, over and over and over. he’s still screaming back to them, voice raw and sobbing, and they’re right there but he can’t get to them, he’s stuck again.
All he can hear is his name. And not for the first time in his life, Will Byers wishes he was somebody else, if only so that he wouldn’t have to keep hearing that name over, and over, as if he’s stuck in a loop, unable to get out. unable to get away from being himself, from his own name, his own existence, the mistake that it is.
Its like when Lonnie would scream for him, “Will Byers,” entering the house with a bang, knocking the door against the wall and using Will’s full name to discipline him as if it was an insult in and of itself.
It’s like when Lonnie boarded up the hole in the wall, how despite Will’s begging and screaming, and pleading from the other side, his father simply couldn’t hear him. That was almost worse than before, than the way that his father would usually ignore him- because at least before, his father chose not to hear him, at least before, it was deserved, a choice Lonnie was making, a punishment dealt for the crime of being Will Byers.
At least before, it wasn’t a mistake that Lonnie couldn’t hear him. Or maybe this time, with the boarded up walls, it was a choice- maybe it couldn’t be a mistake, because Will is the mistake, maybe it was deserved. Maybe his father had known this when he boarded up the wall. Maybe he’d always known it, and Will was the ignorant one, blind to the error of his very being.
Will can still hear the screaming. It’s only grown in volume, in size, threatening to swallow him whole. It’s mixed with Lonnie’s voice now, the voices of those searching for him mingled with the voice of the person who’d gotten rid of him.
Lonnie had gotten rid of Will long before the upside-down, long before the boarded up wall, when he left all those years ago. Joyce would insist that they were the ones who’s gotten rid of Lonnie, but Will knew better. Lonnie was finally rid of him. And it’s a pity that Joyce and Jonathan couldn’t do the same.
Maybe they had. Maybe that’s why they weren’t home that night. Maybe his mother, and his brother were finally rid of him, in the way that like Lonnie, they didn’t come home that night.
Maybe like Lonnie, they left him in the upside-down. Instead of boarding up the hole, maybe his mother had taken an axe to the wall not to try and give Will an opening, but to try and create a hole, a hole in the wall and a hole in the family, tried to cut Will out of it.
But as Will runs through the forest, runs through the upside-down, he wonders if he ever really left- maybe Will never came home that night. Maybe he left them. Maybe he abandoned them. Maybe Joyce and Jonathan ran through an empty house, searching for Will. Maybe Joyce wouldn’t have needed to chop a hole in the wall if Will hadn’t torn through the wall first, trying to save himself- if he hadn’t torn through the family, if he hadn’t made Lonnie leave in an attempt to save himself.
The screams continue- people searching for him, people (Lonnie) finding him, spewing his name in a drunken rage. People caught in an eternal cycle, an eternal loop of looking for something that they’ll never find, and his father stuck in an eternal loop of finding something he’d never been looking for. The screaming of people who could never see him, mixed with the voice of the person who did know the truth, who always saw right through him.
They wouldn’t look for him if they knew what they would find. Lonnie knows what he’ll find. He’s always known. And as a result, he never had to look for Will, never bothered looking for Will- Will would simply appear when the door crashed open, jump out like a deer in the headlights, running into the light, hoping that maybe he could find safety in it, that maybe if he got close enough to the lights, somehow, the car wouldn’t hit him. He knows it doesn’t make sense. But just like the deer, he’s blinded.
Maybe if he got close enough to Lonnie. Maybe Lonnie only reached out because Will was too far away. Maybe if he put himself in Lonnie’s range, within his grasp, Lonnie would cease to reach for him, would stop grabbing him entirely because Will was already close and didn’t need to be pulled any closer. He doesn’t. Instead, it simply aids the swiftness of his grasp, it simply lets Lonnie pull Will in, grab him close, only to shove him away.
Will does appear when the door crashes open, rattling against the wall behind him, rattling off the wall in the same way that the screams do, when Will finds himself out of the forest and in his living room. And again, Lonnie doesn’t look for him.
Lonnie never needed to look, because he would simply see Will. He would see him for all he is- a mistake, a queer- and so when Will disappeared, Lonnie didn’t look for him, because Will knows that Lonnie knew why he was gone. He knows that Lonnie didn’t know about the upside-down, but that he knew that one day, the universe would correct its mistake, that Will would correct his own mistake, his own existence, that either by his own hand or that of fate, Will Byers would vanish. And so, just as quickly as he appears, he vanishes, bolting into his bedroom.
He was always good at hiding. But he can’t hide from himself, from his own name, still filling the air as the screams continue. People are still searching for him, Lonnie’s still found him- Will can hear the heavy footsteps and the heavier hollering. Deeper, more visceral than all the other screams, as if it somehow came from somewhere within Will himself.
And right as the screams get too loud, too numerous, like a wave, his own name and the weight of it, of him, of who he is, of what he is, crashing down on him, a deep voice rumbles from right behind him:
“Will Byers.”
Vecna.
Just like Lonnie, Will can feel Vecna looming over him, the way that the air becomes coarse and tight, and heavy, burdened with the weight of his name. WIth the weight of him, of all that was inside of him now turned outside for everyone to see, so that they can stop looking. So that the search ends and the silence finally falls- so that he’ll stay here, forever.
But it doesn’t end. The screaming continues. The searching, the looking continues, because they still can’t see him, even though it feels as if he’s on display, as if his insides have turned outward. Blood drips from Will’s ears. It drips from his mouth, too, and his nose, and his eyes. It slides down the skin on this body, the smaller one, in Will’s bedroom, on the body that Lonnie- or Vecna, Will realizes distantly, has his hands on, digging claws into his shoulders, shaking them, the enraged face of his father resting in that heavy air, expelled from Will’s insides like the dust of the mindflayer was, mingling with Vecna’s stoic features.
The blood also slides down the skin of his other body, the one in the flower field, the one that Mike has his hands on. The one whose shoulders are being held, not grabbed, whose ears are bleeding as Mike calls “Will! Will!”
Mike’s the only person saying his name that Will can’t hear in the sea of screaming. And maybe that’s for the best. Because Mike’s voice is the only one he’d be able to follow. The only one that could have possibly risen above the noise, not by higher volume but by a lower one, not by harshness, but by softness, the only voice that could ever rival the screaming without screaming at all. The only voice that truly soothed away that pain, that made him feel like he wasn’t a mistake.
And Will knows, in his heart, that he doesn’t deserve that. Doesn’t deserve to escape, to hide, to follow that voice.
And, in what Will recognizes as a final mercy, as a selfish, undeserved relief for himself, he knows that Mike doesn’t hear him either. He knows that when Vecna sinks his claws into him and Will screams, Mike won’t hear him, can’t hear him, doesn’t hear him screaming Mike’s name out into the void. He hopes he doesn’t, at least.
But Mike does hear Will- finally, Mike hears him. He hears his bones crack. He hears his body hit the ground. He hears Will’s heart stop, the silence of its absence more defeaning than any scream Will could ever muster.
#stranger things#byler#mike wheeler#will byers#st5#st5 scenarios#will gets vecna’d#st writing#i wanted to try and show vecnas influence slipping more and more into wills line of thinking#like almost being resentful towards joyce and jonathan even tho he actually isnt#and then feeling guilty for that resent#i am cringe but i am free#one day i will edit my posts#today is not that day
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romeo roleplaying as his favorite OC to beat the shit out of his other OC who he hates very much
#ganon draws#minecraft#mcsm#minecraft story mode#mcsm romeo#mcsm petra#i wanted to make them look more monstrous and reflect what my romeo design looks like lol#so here is this beast#and romeo is getting really into it but also hes projecting#hes yelling at jesse like he did fred#which is kind of why he hates jesse so much. he reminds him of the friend he killed and hes salty about feeling guilt#and he likes petra because she reminds him of himself in a way and he feels less guilty about everything#when he sees that oh well they did abandon me just like this#and he tries to get petra to feel the same as his champion#tries to get her to give up on jesse and be resentful just like him#and he has petra fight jesse to the death assuming she would actually do it just like him#ok ermmm the shit i have for this is too much to fit in tags but anyways. romeo is actually the worst
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Does A1, given he could have been so normal and kinda wants that life, ever resent A2 for dragging him into a world of violence? Or does it not even occur to him to resent A2?
yes but also no 🤔
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Out of I think every prior PC death except maybe Vax's permadeath I think this series of deaths has the devastating potential ever on this show to fuck everyone involved up despite or maybe because of the fact that they got 2/3 back
#imogens never gonna let laudnas death go#fearne is either gonna feel guilty on some level which will be a new experience for her#or shell be hidjng the fact that MAYBE that coin flip wasnt totally legit#imogen might harbor some secret resentment towards fearne#orym is gonna blame himself for coming back instead of laudna#they might make some sketchy ass deals with the devil if they decide to pursue getting her back#im HYPE#critical role#cr3#cr spoilers#WAIT i lied i forgot scanlan that one had some pretty massive consequences
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low-key terrified of the likelyhood of them just straight up not addressing non being groomed & SAd. phee & co had realistic dumb kid brain-not-developed and not-socially-aware-enough reactions to it at the time not fully grasping what was so wrong with it, but over the years they shouldve come to terms with the reality and as adults should get to address it for what it actually was: abuse. even if we as an audience recognised it instantly for what it was, I need to hear it from them that they understand now. because it rly changes the dynamics of the story and dictates whether they can ever truly take accountability and seek redemption
#like i want them to feel SOOOO guilty not just for how they reacted but as adults realising oh my god i blamed HIM#i want that conversation to be had like jesus someone tell the now adult (and very alive) non that it wasn't his fault#and everyone else was wrong#i need it for healing purposes#show me these characters have matured even a little bit over these 3 years#dead friend forever#dff the series#this is rly important bc it dictates whether non is truly seen and understood#they cant take proper accountability without understanding the gravity of what they and others did to non#id love for non to be (alive) mad at what keng did and resentful#i DONT want keng to be working with non like. that is thr last thing on earth i want bc it confirms my worst fears regarding this#n shows their attitude towards this issue#i particularly want new to be like. my brother was taken advantage of by a grown man and i want his bones decorating my kitchen
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Obsessed with this picrew I love making my little guys kiss
Kili x Vyrthaal 🧡 Lord Boethiah x Vulon 🧡 Rune x Sethsa 🧡 Vyrthur x Jay (<-they're Complicated)
#i'm miraak and you're watching disney channel#picrew#oc shipping#i am thinking about Jay and Vurthur so much lately. their relationship is so interesting to me.#vyrthur hates her but loves her and feels like he owes her a life debt and resents her and envies her#jay envies him and wants nothing but the best for him and feels so so so guilty that she couldnt truly save him shed do anything for him#Vyrthur is His knight hes deeply grateful to Him for saving him he hates Him for just making him corrupted in a different way#but at least He CARES about him and his people and wants to try and fix him someway#He's so scared of hurting him. of making him worse of being/becoming everything he hated#about auri-el about molag bal about Everything thats claimed to save him#anyways. im insane about them a little.
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Suggestion/request if you need any, maybe Kim and Jean talking after Kim joins Precinct 41?
PERCEPTION (Hearing) [Medium: Success] — Wait. You can hear voices just outside the window. Familiar voices. If you concentrate, you can just make out what they’re saying through the pitifully thin glass.
JEAN VICQUEMARE — “…smoke Drouins, too?”
KIM KITSURAGI — “I’m giving them a try.”
ELECTROCHEMISTRY — Oh, *hell* yeah. You should go join them for a smoke.
SUGGESTION — Or… hang around by the window for a minute or two first.
YOU — What? Why?
SUGGESTION — Oh, come on, Harry. Aren’t you a *little* curious about what those two talk about when you’re not around?
INLAND EMPIRE — You don’t want to know. Don’t even think about it. Lock that thought away with her letter and anything else that might hurt you.
YOU — Isn’t it wrong to eavesdrop?
SUGGESTION — You’re not eavesdropping, you’re just getting a breath of fresh air by the window! It’s not *your* fault that your two closest friends also just so happened to be having a smoke right outside the same window. The precinct is public property, anyway. If this was a private conversation, wouldn’t they have it on *private* property?
ENCYCLOPEDIA — I think you’re confusing private ownership with privacy.
SUGGESTION — Oh, look, a new copotype. Grammar Cop.
They’re my friends, so I should respect their privacy. (Step away from the window)
They’re my friends, so they wouldn’t be talking about anything they wouldn’t talk to *me* about, right? (Eavesdrop)
INLAND EMPIRE — You’re too trusting. So are they, it seems. You’re going to be the death of each other, someday.
PERCEPTION (Hearing) [Easy: Success] — You casually lean against the wall beside the window, sipping water from the cooler and listening to the muffled voices outside.
KIM KITSURAGI — “…late nights?”
JEAN VICQUEMARE — “Everyone here works late. I’m sure you’ve noticed. But Jude and Trant have kids to look after…”
EMPATHY — He’s got nobody. That’s something you and he have always had in common.
JEAN VICQUEMARE — “This late, it’s usually just me and Harry.” He pauses, perhaps to take a drag from his cigarette. “…And you?” He asks more than says it.
KIM KITSURAGI — “And me.” His voice is flat and quiet.
EMPATHY — He’s got nobody, too.
JEAN VICQUEMARE — Another long pause. You can see Jean’s hand suddenly come into view through the glass.
COMPOSURE [Medium: Success] — Don’t panic! He’s just flicking the ash from his cigarette. See, it’s fine. If you’d flinched, they might have seen you.
JEAN VICQUEMARE — “How’s the Drouin?”
KIM KITSURAGI — “Not bad. I might make the switch.”
JEAN VICQUEMARE — “Ha. I like them better than Astras, but most people disagree.”
KIM KITSURAGI — He gives a noncommittal sort of hum, nothing more.
JEAN VICQUEMARE — “Any reason for the switch?”
KIM KITSURAGI — “Just wanted to try something new,” he says lightly.
DRAMA — A lie if I ever heard one, sire.
ESPIRIT DE CORPS — Astras remind him of Martinaise. Of loneliness. Smokers on rooftops and balconies and in traffic jams. A corpse on the boardwalk. A corpse that could have been *you.*
-1 MORALE
INLAND EMPIRE — I told you not to listen.
SUGGESTION — No, no, surely if you listen long enough, you’ll hear something *good* about yourself.
Walk away.
Keep listening.
JEAN VICQUEMARE — “…Can I ask you an unprofessional question?”
KIM KITSURAGI — He hesitates, just briefly. “I suppose.”
JEAN VICQUEMARE — “Why the hell did you agree to transfer here? I mean, don’t get me wrong, we’re glad to have you.” A pause. “Well, more like we were totally fucked without you.” Another pause. “Okay, we’re still fucked, just less fucked. But you could have stayed at the harbor and *not* been fucked.”
ELECTROCHEMISTRY — If only there was as much fucking going on around here as he makes it sound.
KIM KITSURAGI — “Hm… I suppose I could have.” He pauses for a smoke. “But I think that the 41st will be… more important in the grand scheme of things than the G.R.I.H.”
ESPIRIT DE CORPS — “UN JOUR SERAI DE RETOUR PRÈS DE TOI.” Whatever is coming, he feels it’s going to come here first.
KIM KITSURAGI — “And like I said, I’ve been wanting to try something new.” You can almost hear the smile in those words.
DRAMA — But they are still not entirely truthful. Oh, he *does* long for something new. That part was the truth, sire. But he won’t find it here. Deep down, he knows it. And there you find the lie he tells himself over and over again, every day he reports for duty.
CONCEPTUALIZATION — “Nulla sarà cambiato della luce.” Nothing will be changed about the light. Nothing will ever be changed…
PERCEPTION (Hearing) — Silence falls, so lengthy that you almost think that they must have finished their cigarettes and started their way back. And then—
JEAN VICQUEMARE — “I thought maybe it had something to do with the shitkid.”
COMPOSURE — To call the following silence “loaded” would be a massive understatement.
YOU — Oh… I don’t know if I want to hear this…
INLAND EMPIRE — Leave now. Please, just leave.
SUGGESTION — Stay! They care about you, that’s what they’re going to say!
INLAND EMPIRE — That’s what makes it all so sad.
Spare yourself.
Stay.
KIM KITSURAGI — “…And if it did?” His voice is calm, like deep, still water.
JEAN VICQUEMARE — “Then I was going to warn you not to bet everything on a losing dog.” His voice is calm, too. That’s what hurts the most. “You haven’t known Harry long enough to see the pendulum swing the other way. And it *will* swing, Lieutenant. It’ll happen right when you start to think that maybe it won’t. And then things will get uglier than you ever thought possible.”
DRAMA — …He isn’t lying, sire. Nor is he trying to intimidate the lieutenant. He believes every word he’s saying.
YOU — Wait, so then… then it’s true? All the progress I’ve made… is it worthless?
INLAND EMPIRE — Nulla sará cambiato…
VOLITION — No. He’s waiting for the past to repeat itself. But it doesn’t have to, Harry. At least, not always in the same way. Don’t lose hope.
JEAN VICQUEMARE — “…I’m not trying to be cruel.” His voice suddenly softens. Saddens. “I just don’t want you to end up with regrets. There’s no fixing that guy, Kim. People have tried.”
EMPATHY — *He* has tried. And for his troubles, he’s had all sorts of cruelties hurled at him. Humiliation, abuse, betrayal. Broken promise after broken promise. He’s almost exhausted any hope he ever had.
ESPIRIT DE CORPS — Almost, but not quite. That’s what hurts him the most.
-1 MORALE
INLAND EMPIRE — You’ll die at this rate.
VOLITION — Why are you doing this to yourself? Their words are not ironclad truth. You don’t need their permission to live. And you *definitely* don’t need to hurt yourself like this.
SUGGESTION — It doesn’t matter. You don’t have a choice anymore. You *need* to hear this.
Stay.
KIM KITSURAGI — An uncomfortable shuffle of nylon can be heard, even through the window. “…I appreciate your concern,” he says stiffly. And that’s *all* he says.
ESPIRIT DE CORPS — He knows he doesn’t sound like he means it, but he does. And he also knows that Vicquemare will be embarrassed, maybe even hurt, by the curt response. But he can’t think of a single word to say.
EMPATHY — It’s hard for him to face people head on like this. It’s easier when he has something to hide behind. Like you and your antics.
PERCEPTION (Hearing) — A long sigh. You’re not sure whose it is.
JEAN VICQUEMARE — And then you see Jean’s hand toss his cigarette butt into the grass. “Well, who knows? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you’re some kind of miracle worker. I mean, two of you apparently *attract* miracles. You know, with your pheromones.”
KIM KITSURAGI — “He wasn’t talking about *our*… khm. Actually, never mind. Let’s not start the cryptid thing again.”
JEAN VICQUEMARE — “Yeah, let’s not.” He sounds a little gruff as he says it.
EMPATHY — He is sad that no miracle ever happened for him, and angry that it came for someone else at all. But most of all, it hurts him that your miracle was someone else.
YOU — I’m sorry for forgetting…
EMPATHY — Forgetting what?
The things he did for me.
The things I did to him.
Why I am the way I am.
All of it.
EMPATHY — He can’t hear you, Harry.
VOLITION — There’s no point in being sorry for how everything played out. Your relationships with them, your sobriety, the case, the Insulindian miracle— all of it is as much a product of circumstance as anything else. A matter of who was in the right place at the right time. All you can do now is choose what to do with what came of it.
That is why they’ve run out of things to say now. They are sad and uncertain, but they have chosen to carry that. What do you choose?
To tell them I don’t need their fucking pity.
To be sorry all the same.
To distance them from me before the pendulum swings.
To make sure they never leave me alone to die.
I don’t know. I want to do what’s right, but I don’t know what that looks like.
VOLITION — None of us really do, Harry. Just do your best.
KIM KITSURAGI — “…I’m not trying to fix him.” His words come out clunky and awkward. Sudden, as if he said them against his better judgment.
JEAN VICQUEMARE — “Uh huh.” He sounds doubtful.
KIM KITSURAGI — The lieutenant clears his throat. “That is to say… I believe he can get better. He *is* getting better. But I don’t think… Well, let’s call it a… a chronic problem.” He clears his throat again, clearly uncomfortable.
EMPATHY — It’s hard for him to say that he doesn’t think you’ll ever put it all behind you. It makes him feel callous.
KIM KITSURAGI — “But… I think that’s all right. We all have things we simply have to learn to live with. But we do live with them. And I think he’s getting better at living with… with everything,” he finishes, trying to put it as delicately as possible. “That is all I can ask of him.”
ESPIRIT DE CORPS — Maybe someday, he’ll tell you and Jean about all the things he has learned to live with, and the times when he very nearly didn’t. But not today.
JEAN VICQUEMARE — You hear the click of a lighter. Another cigarette. “…I see. Well, if he’s made any progress, he probably owes it to you.” He makes a valiant effort to conceal the bitterness in his voice.
KIM KITSURAGI — “No,” he says quietly, “I don’t think so. I think… Well, it doesn’t really matter what I think.”
ESPIRIT DE CORPS — A freshly cleaned room. A little girl come in from the cold. A handkerchief pressed into the hands of a working class woman. A wall with the words “I LOVE YOU CUNO” painted in giant red letters. Dancing ecstatically around a hole in the world. He remembers it all, but he is at a loss for the words to explain the true miracle of it all. He wishes that Jean could have seen it and understood.
YOU — So do I…
#disco elysium#jean vicquemare#kim kitsuragi#harry du bois#requests#anon#THANK YOU FOR THIS ONE I RLLY ENJOYED IT…#jean and kim are so. interesting.#since kim is smth of a wish fulfillment fantasy for the suicidal#and jean is like… well more like the nightmare scenario ksbsjdnc of someone who you’ve managed to push to the breaking point#but who still cares about you and that’s the most painful part#so i imagine jean and kim’s dynamic to be a little tense w a slight resentment from each of them#where kim dislikes how vitriolic jean can be but also understands where it’s coming from and even feels a little guilty abt the situation#and jean is legit hurt that his friendship w harry (sort of) withstood so many years of harry being an asshole#but didn’t seem to make any difference to harry#and then in walks kim who’s just Some Guy and suddenly harry is cleaning himself up for him#but he knows that’s not fair and he genuinely likes kim so he’s just like. *miserably befriends you*#and then on top of that the case in martinaise is starting to crack through kim’s resignation to being a cop#but jean is so… well idk if anything will ever get through his resignation tbh.#‘’there is nothing more in that beloved future of yours. we are all done there. done and gone.’’#so yeah. lots of tension between them and lots of thoughts that kim can’t bring himself to share w jean which only makes the tension worse
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Man theres this particular genre of white girl that seems to get completely hopped up on white guilt any time a person of colour is in their presence. Really embarrassing to witness I'm so sorry yall have to deal with that shit 👎
#this person i was helping move today was like “dont you just feel so remorseful and guilty all the time for being white” and like in this#gross resentful almost way#and i was like ??? no i feel obligation to treat people better than my ancestors did and to try and right as many wrongs as i can and to be#a good person#but its not some sort of christian guilt that i have to spend my life punishing myself for#ive experienced something similar to this as a trans person and its fucking gross feeling. it feels infantilizin#g
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are we ever going to circle back around to talking about this? bc i think about it a lot.
(4x09 script)
#kendall roy#rava roy#kenrava#succession#i don't think kendall has been physical w her before but rava certainly does not seem surprised at the idea that he would#like during their low points there were maybe some close call incidents that have made rava had to consider this penny may drop one day#kendall can also tell she's concerned about this which alternates between making him feel very resentful and angry#and very guilty and conciliatory#his relationship w the sibs is obviously quite different but he very much does try to attack his pregnant younger sister.#and the whole roman can of worms#so clearly hurting family members is something he is capable of#kaitlin speaks
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I know you struggled with puppy blues. What was that moment that made you think "This is my dog"? Or did it just happen without noticing?
When I got the job offer in Yellowknife I decided to rehome Marlo. She was getting older and slowing down, my parents had the capacity to keep her, and I didn't enjoy balancing my time between two dogs. And I left Mav with them too for a couple months to get settled.
They brought Mav back to me during an extremely lonely period in my life. I had uprooted my life yet again, and living so far north is isolating in a really weird way, and the people I knew in Yellowknife had established lives that I wasn't part of. Mav got home to me, and it was like okay. this is it. I have you and you have me.
And it still took some time, he was still distractable and I still didn't trust him and we didn't really communicate well yet, but it was a start of a commitment that was just the two of us.
#about mav#mav memories#i didnt realize how hard two dogs would be#i resented mav so much for taking my time away from marlo#and i resented marlo because i could never do anything alone with mav#i felt so guilty for over a year there#but when i moved to yellowknife and only had mav#it was like i could breathe again#we had the space to bond#i stopped feeling so guilty#and shortly after that i was like yeah okay ill keep this dog for real
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[ID: two digital paintings of Nijisanji-EN'S Ver Vermillion and Cer Cerulean. The first takes place inside a forest during the day. They are both noticeably young. Cer sits on the left side of a log as he adjusts Ver's long hair, who is sitting on the ground in front of Cer, holding his knees to his chest. The artist's watermark is to the left of them. The second takes place long after the first one. The sun is setting. Ver curls into himself on the right side of the log, with a knife by his left. On the other end of the log is his red necklace, glowing. Surrounding him are chopped-off locks of his hair. The artist's watermark is by the necklace. End ID]
bundle up darling, you've made this bed, now
sleep in it soundly if you can
#nijisanji#nijisanji en#ver vermillion#cer cerulean#vtuber#art#lyrics are from The Glacier House by the crane wives. trying to post this again since this didn't show up in the tags ! lmao !#I made an entire . Thing in the tags last time I posted this. I'll copypaste here:#things that have happened since I've last posted niji fanart: I got obsessed with Ver's lore#especially ESPECIALLY everything to do with Cer#like. okay I cannot get into everything I'm Deeply Unwell over but like#do you think about how Ver was 15 when he trapped Cer in the necklace#how Cer was his first friend. how they met when he was around 8 or 9 years old#how do you think Ver felt about defeating one of the first friends he ever had#does he feel guilty. guilt over not seeing the signs of Cer's malice earlier#guilt over trapping Cer in the necklace. guilt over being guilty in the first place#and how much of that is exacerbated by Cer haunting him ? how deeply does his clear resentment affect Ver ?#much to think about ....#nooty's art
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underrated fantasy high friendships that I personally VERY much enjoy: fig&riz. Fabian&adaine. jawbone&gilear.
#fig and riz are both so devoted and chaotic and just. them fucking battling it out insight v. deception.#fabian&adaine are near and dear to me bc they’re both finding the balance between their grace and their brutality#and also just. the impossibly high standards that they both resent and yet feel guilty for not meeting#dimension 20#fantasy high
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I know webtoon can't be a 100% faithful adaptation of the novel,but damn,we were robbed some really amazing lines and plotlines.
Chap 116,the scene where they're in poison palace,in novel its longer,and also-
Ma Taepyeong is actually admitting that he's a bad father and said his son must hate him. Like damn,he said that to Eul Dongfang. AND CHEONSO HEARD IT
Cheonso inner monologue(mind you,I read a very butched mtl ) is like " There's time where I'm angry,There's time where I tried raising orchid to understand his feelings,but it all just in past.
Much time has passed,and I don't want to whining about what happened in those days."
Damn Jeong Madu-nim,why don't you include this monologue??? This gave us a perspective of how both Cheonso and his father think of each other,and the fact that Cheonso actually choose to forget all his anger toward his father.
Damn,this is such a good part,why did you cut it????
#theres also earlier scene when Taepyeong summons little Cheonso after he burns marketplace to ground#(its the early in the truth arc when taegang jun still alive)#Taepyeong is thinking that he indeed resent his son bc his wife death for a while#but he also feel guilty that he turned away from his child and sending cheonso away to lesser light palace when cheonso cant even walk yet#reading these angst really broke my heart#these pair father and son might have a chance to make up earlier if Taegang jun and both of the heralds didnt intervene#instead they only start trying to make up when cheonso already 15 and grow up twisted#also ma taepyeong is still a massive cut who sucks at parenting#i reincarnated as crazed heir#reincarnated as an unruly heir
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bianca di angelo really projected HER fatal flaw on her brother and we all just accepted it.
#if we had just gotten a little bit more about her we would have seen her holding grudges like no other#she would have resented so much about the demigod world and HADES omg daddy issues girl#ok maybe nico also holds grudges but i think to a lesser extent and TBH his main grudge has always been the one against bianca#other than that ???? percy???? that was certainly a thing but it was so tied to his grudge against bianca that well it IS about bianca#and i mean. an argument can be made about nico being more forgiving bc bianca WARNED HIM but i don't buy that completely#i think he can have tendencies towards it but it's not really him and at the end of the day he can take a step back and see the big picture#but the bianca situation was MASSIVE he needed years to be able to take enough steps back to finally understand and see what led bianca to#her choices#anyways. nico di angelo ur fatal flaw is not grudges.#stubborn maybe??? jealous??? he's a lot actually idk what word would encapsulate his character best#i think he would meet his end bc he's stubborn tho. i think he doesn't know when to stop and THAT will kill him.#but i think all of this ties to the fact that he feels guilty. even in tsats they discuss this and i do think that is truly the core of nico#he feels guilt over what he has done and didn't get to do and even for others#can guilt be a fatal flaw?? if it can i'll take that one for nico
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guys i made a mistake.
#aka i scrolled through the entire becker siblings tag again on a whim and now im shinjichairpose.png#i dont even have specific thoughts theyre just rotating in my brain now#theres like. very small tidbits that i have stuck in there currently#like their weird thing with control(because i am thinking about that 24/7)#cyrus who needs control vs fawn who defers to it vs river who hates it#how they did that i dont know but im going to take a wild guess and say that its Very unhealthy#and also their relationship to both ortegas#i guess thats only tangentially related to the becker siblings but also like. the ortegas talking about the siblings together#getting drunk and grieving together and trading stories and blaming eachother for letting them die#getting out of their posthb messes because they dont have any (becker) siblings to depend on anymore so theyll have to settle for eachother#also in the survivor!river au im specifically haunted by the fact that river 'does not include ricardo in the package' when julia-#becomes his sibling#the resentment from All sides there??? holy shit#thats gotta blow up eventually right#like i can see ricardo feeling extremely guilty about river but at the same time???? him getting Angry#that river has the Audacity to steal his sister and not even treat him any better for it#so what if he lost his siblings? doesnt mean he has the right to have ricardos#Really funny fucked up reflection of fawns beef with julia but this time its the other way around#.anyway. <-experiencing normal thoughts and emotions#cyrus becker(s)#nmoc: fawn becker(s)#nmoc: river becker(s)#keeping up with the beckers#pulp speaks
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When I was little—very little, so little that I was being pulled in a wagon for this story—I was out on a “walk” with my mom, which consisted of me running around at warp speed for half a block and then having to be pulled in a wagon. And at this particular point in the walk, my mom stumbled across something which as an adult is a pretty cool find: someone had left/lost a bunch of little pieces to the game “Cooties” along the road.
Upon seeing this, she said, “Oh, look! Cooties!” and scooped them up to hand them to me.
But I was, again, small and young and inexperienced in the world and all the “Cooties” it had to offer. I had never seen a Cooties game before. In my undeveloped little head, my mom was attempting to hand me a bunch of tiny dismembered limbs. And calling them cooties. I had no idea what was happening. But I did know it was scary, very scary.
I remember crying and shying away and telling my mom I didn’t want to hold them, and the way she doubled down, insisting that I take the cooties. I didn’t have a very good grasp on mortality at this point in life but was aware that people were capable of being killed, and was convinced those cooties would give me actual cooties and that I’d die. So I covered my eyes and hid at the back of the wagon.
The fact I would not take these tiny, dirty little game pieces she found along the road enraged my mother, for whatever reason, and I was scolded (loudly) and she refused to talk to me the rest of the way home, having declared that I would have to sit in the “time out chair” (my dad’s La-Z-Boy recliner) until my dad got home from work so he could punish me.
Of course both my parents being mad at me was always the end of the world.
It was about an hour and a half until my dad got home and I remember thinking he was going to make me touch the cooties and I’d die and be one of those zombies from “my Link game” (which is obviously what happens when someone dies). He came home, and I heard them exchanging words in the kitchen, and then he came into his dark office where I waited in his chair and turned on the lamp.
“I heard you weren’t good on a walk with your mom today. What did you do?” I remember him asking sternly. I then proceeded to bawl. I don’t remember my wording but I did tell him about the cooties and how they were scary and I didn’t want to touch them.
My dad’s face remains etched into my memory forever as if carved there in stone. This king of bikers, this military man with what seemed like a million deployments, trying to figure out what to do with his four year old daughter who was afraid of some dirty board game pieces her mom was trying to make her hold.
He just said “okay then” and hugged me. I don’t remember what he said after, but basically that I wasn’t in trouble and to go play for a bit before dinner. I remember hearing him go into the kitchen and say “WHAT is your problem” to my mom, which looking back at this now as an adult is a good reaction that entire scenario.
The next day he came home from work with a “Cooties” game.
#talking#stories#blogging#cooties#my relationship with my dad is so weird#I always make the joke ''have you ever been abandoned by the same dad three times''#but it wasn't until like two months ago that I realized other than him leaving I have no actual bad memories of him ever#he was always nice to me and the only person to never say a single mean thing to me. he did so much for me#to this day he always compliments me and calls me the princess and tries to be a good dad and I feel guilty for all the years I resented him#and set the standard for the kind of love and protection I seek now as an adult
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