I hate that we've gone from "don't like, don't read" and not caring about what fucked up shit is depicted in fan media as a standard to hypervigilance and having to mind your every word so the group you've found yourself in doesn't know you ship the Not HOA Approved Ship

second chances pt. 3 ♡ lou

Second Chances Part 3  ♡ Lou Imagine

Requested: Yes, thank you @dorkqueen1 and @ricksanchezxmypitifulself for asking for this continuation of the Second Chances fic for Lou from Uglydolls! 

Warnings: FLUFF, some bullying and harrassment

♡ ♡ ♡

       You were on cloud nine. 

       Only mere hours ago, you had scored yourself a date with the one doll you had been in love with for years. Or maybe months, the whole time thing was sort of weird around here. Anyways, nothing could knock down your mood now that you knew you were going to get to go out with Lou. That out of all of the dolls in Imperfection, he had chosen you. It amazed you how someone as perfect as Lou could ever find something to love in someone like... well, you (a/n: YOU ARE PERFECT THE WAY YOU ARE). 

       As you went about the rest of your day at work, it didn’t take too long to see some of your coworkers giving you rude looks or even death stares. Normally you would have wondered what their problem was but due to the rumors spreading around that not only were you and Lou together, but that you had slept together, it was kind of a no brainer. But nothing could knock you down from the big horse named Happiness you were riding on right now. As you went about your day, you couldn’t help but relive some of the moments you spent at the Institute. The time where you got lost and Lou had to pick you up in his limo, the very first time the two of you met, listening to him sing for the first time. 

       It was insane that so much time had passed since then and yet the feelings that you had for him were still the same, if not stronger now. How every single word he spoke to you, every time he even looked at you made your stomach feel like making you puke up rainbows and cupcakes. How you got all light headed around him and everything he did seemed like the most amazing thing on earth. How he occupied every single thought in your head and how every time you thought of him, your face would threaten to set on fire if the heat in your cheeks got any warmer. 

       It was safe to say that you were in love with him. 

       And lucky for you, your date came before you even knew it. The thing about Lou is that he is a sucker for romance. Behind all of the charisma and flirtation, he is actually a big sucker for the big romantic gestures. And even better? He’s pretty awesome at executing them. The thing is is that he only ever stretches his limbs on these gestures for dolls that he really cares about, dolls that he thinks are actually going to be worth his time of day. 

       And that doll was you.

      The date began with a blindfold (or that glittery pink scarf from your closet that you never wore). There had been a lot of nervous giggling as you allowed Lou, who you warned him that you were trusting him completely, to lead you to the place where your date would take place. It was a little bit of a walk filled with playful banter and you trying to guess where he was taking you. Finally, he took off your blindfold to see that you were on top of the cliff that looked upon the old village of Uglyville. 

       It had a perfect view of the sunset and was the absolute best spot for those who needed some alone time. As your mouth nearly dropped to the fabric ground, you took in the rest of the scene before you and noticed that he had also set up the most romantic red-themed picnic you had ever seen filled with all of your favorite foods. You turned to him only to see his eyes already set on you and gave him a sly grin. 

       “How did you know what foods I liked?” You asked. He simply shrugged, but a smirk played across his lips as he made his way over to the food and motioned for you to follow. 

       “I have my ways. A good boyfriend never reveals his secrets.”

       You froze with (favorite food) halfway to your mouth. Did he just say what you think he said? “Oh, boyfriend now, huh?” 

       His chivalrous facade seemed to falter for a bit as his adorable flustered self showed, his face turning a light shade of pink and his eyes widening. “I-I mean, it came out wrong- I mean I do, but I-”

      “Lou,” you chuckled, enjoying how you had such a strong effect on him. “It’s okay. I... like you too.” 

       A huge grin broke out across his face, making you think of a child on Christmas Day. As time went on, you both ate and talked and had one of the most amazing times you had ever had as you watched the sun set over the waters. Lou was so easy to talk to that you barely even had to think about what to say next because you were already saying it. You didn’t even notice the decreasing distance between the two of you as you scooted closer to one another until you were both practically sandwiched together. However, just as the night was about to come to a close, a sudden boom of thunder cracked over the sky. 

       Your heads shot up to look into the dark clouds and it wasn’t a second later that rain began coming down. The cool rain felt good on your warm skin and it was quite refreshing since it hadn’t rained in quite a while. You were about to stand up in order to take shelter when suddenly Lou beat you to it, already shouldering off his jacket. You were about to tell him that there was no need when he suddenly threw it not over your shoulders, but over your head. 

       “Lou!” You giggled, letting out a shriek as he suddenly picked you up by the waist and slung you into his arms, bridal style. You could hear his laughter as he began sprinting into a direction of what you assumed was shelter.

       “I have to protect you!” You heard him yell over the rain hitting the pavement and rustling the trees. You were probably going to get some wicked abs from all of the laughing you did as it seemed like a long time before he finally set you down and removed the blanket from your head. It took a moment for your eyes to adjust and you finally realized that you were standing outside your house on the patio. You took in Lou’s form and noticed how out of breath he looked, with water droplets dangling from his yellow yarn hair and dripping into his eyes, his nose a bright pink from the cold. 

       “My hero,” you giggled, stealing his jacket once more and pulling it around your shoulders as you shuddered from the cold. He chuckled, but then grew serious for a moment, his mouth forming a line as he stared at you. Before you had a chance to ask him what was wrong, he beat you to it.

       “Did you, um... did you mean what you said?” You were shocked to hear how timid his voice sounded, like he was afraid to ask. His blue orbs looked into yours filled with nothing but sincerity and maybe even worry. It broke your heart to see him so nervous. 

      “About what?” You asked. 

      “About... liking me back,” he laughed nervously, scratching the back of his neck. Your heart began to pound inside your chest as the butterflies began fangirling inside of your stomach. And in the heat of the moment and the mood that the rain set and the feeling in your gut just screaming that this was right and that Lou was your sun, you offered him a small smile, stood up on your tip toes, and pressed your lips against his. 

♡ ♡ ♡

       “So, how’d it go?” Lydia asked you, swirling her tea bag around in her cup. “We need all the juicy details!” 

       It was your weekly tea and gossip meeting with your girlfriends and as usual, the hot topic of gossip was between you and Lou. You felt your face grow warm as you recalled the events of last night and more importantly the events of this morning when you had just been about to leave for the day and Lou surprised you with a kiss. Cheers erupted from your friends as they watched you try to regain your confidence. 

       “It was insanely romantic,” you giggled, proceeding to tell them every detail about the fantastical night, including the storm and him picking you up and carrying you back home. “And I also, might have, just a little bit... kissed him.”

       That was when the screaming began. All four of them rose out of their seats and ran to you, encircling you in a ginormous group hug. You couldn’t help but laugh at their reactions and savor the warmth of their embrace. At least you had some amazing friends to share about your romance with. 

        “Nice to know you’re a traitor, Y/n,” a voice suddenly chimed in. Your eyes zapped open to see Megan, a lawyer with bright purple hair and a cold stare. She snorted once she realized she had caught your attention. “But love trumps justice, right?” 

        Oh, dear.

♡ ♡ ♡

To be continued? Let me know in the comments if you want a continuation after Flawsome Bandits is finished because I’ve got some plans for this one ♡

♡ a.a.

By A Thread by Lucy Score

We weren’t touching. But it felt like the space between us was charged with something. It was acting like a defibrillator on my heart.

This book had everything I want in a romance: a sassy, non-damsel heroine and a hero with soft boi vibes (I am a complete sucker for assholes covering up soft, warm centers). 

Don’t let the office romance aspect dissuade you (it’s obviously a common, but controversial trope in romance b/c power dynamics and whatnot), this is not ~in my experience~ a conventional office romance. 

First, Ally only ends up working at Dominic’s company after he gets her fired and his mom (who’s also his boss at the magazine she also owns) makes the job offer in reparation.  

Second, in addition to the two characters being completely at odds from the first meeting (he got her fired after all), Dominic is staunchly against an office romance not only because of his own values and awareness of power dynamics but because of his father’s history of sexual harrassment and assault. When they eventually fall into bed together (because duh this is a romance) he immediately offers to quit his job so the power dynamics of the office wouldn’t be an issue. 

That being said Dominic is an overbearing, and at times straight up controlling, son of a bitch (sorry as Ally would say his mother is lovely) and it made me want to throat punch him sometimes, but at the same time so did Ally’s stubbornness and pride. 

Score has a talent though for balance because any time Dominic started to get out of control, Ally wouldn’t hesitate to go head to head with him and speak her mind and the honesty and directness was refreshing. 

The ending felt a little bit rushed because clearly Dominic was trying (although in ways that were grossly overbearing and were exactly what Ally didn’t want him to do) and she made it clear that she couldn’t forgive him and I wanted more of a conversation or thought process to why she finally did aside from “that’s what love is.” 

This book was fun and funny and sarcastic and their banter made the story flow and is definitely the main reason I would consider rereading this romance.

Keep reading for some top notch quotes!

It wasn’t out of the kindness of my heart. I had neither kindness nor a heart. I considered it atonement for being an asshole.

Clearly, she wasn’t intimidated by an asshole in Hugo Boss with a haircut that cost more than her entire outfit. I basked in her disdain. It was miles more comfortable for me than the terrified glances and “Right away, Mr. Russo”s I got in the hallways at work.

It had been too long since I’d squashed a disrespectful underling. I itched to do it now. She looked not only like she could take it but that she might even enjoy it.

“Fine. But if she poisons me, I’ll sue her and her entire family. Her great-grandchildren will feel my wrath.” My mother sighed theatrically. “Who hurt you, darling?” It was a joke. But we both knew the answer wasn’t funny.

I knew he felt it, too. That unexpected jolt. Like taking a shot of whiskey or sticking a finger in a light socket. Maybe both at the same time. For one moment of pure insanity, I wondered if he intended to take me over his knee and if I’d let him.

I’d assumed they’d all get used to me. Apparently I’d assumed incorrectly. I was the beast to my mother’s beauty. The monster to the heroine. When they looked at me, they saw my father.

Her tone was steely and anger all but crackled off her. I hoped she got the guy’s balls in the divorce.

“You know, you’d be a lot prettier if you smiled once in a while,” she mused, fluttering her lashes. No wonder women hated it when men said that.

It was fucking cold. February was right around the corner, and if there was anything colder and damper than January in New York, it was fucking February. Of course, fashion didn’t heed below-freezing temperatures. No. Fashion made its own rules outside of time and space and temperature.

I, on the other hand, didn’t trust myself to survive even basic contact. Ally was only safe, my soul was only safe, as long as I didn’t touch her.

He was looming over me, but rather than threatening, it felt intimate, careful, almost safe. Like I wanted to be exactly here with exactly him.

Tell me the top five things you hate STAT. (This is the secret to finding out just how bad a person is in case you need it for interviewing future wives or human sacrifices.)

Somewhere along the line, she’d started talking to me like we were friends. As if that moment of honesty in the bar, those emails exchanged, had somehow made us friendly. And while I craved her next confession, I also couldn’t handle the intimacy. I was ripped down the middle. Torn between wanting to know everything there was to know about this woman and wanting to forget she existed.

I hated it when she walked away from me. It always felt like she took the light and heat with her. I added that to my Hate List.

Those blue eyes weren’t cold now. There was a victorious fire burning in them. And I was acutely aware that I was in immediate danger.

My heart was trying to blast its way out of my chest. I didn’t know where the organ had gotten actual sticks of dynamite, but that’s what was happening. My insides had turned to lava… or magma, whichever metaphor was most appropriate.

“Lots of people dance for money. Prima ballerinas, Jane Fonda, Laker Girls, back-up dancers, Rockettes. All women who make money by moving their bodies. There’s nothing remotely shameful about it,” Faith insisted. “You aren’t doing anything wrong. And anyone who tells you that you are is—” “Part of the patriarchy.”

I hoped to God security was up to the challenge tonight. Because if anyone laid a hand on her, one single finger on her, I was going to lose my shit.

I wondered if I was leaving a trail of body glitter behind me like I was a Questionable Life Choices Tinkerbell.

If mystery bothered him so much, this son of a bitch—wait, no. His mother was a lovely human being. This alphahole was going to suffer. I’d make sure of it.

I wanted to believe in my bones that he was doing this as some stupid mind game, that he got off on playing puppet master with my life. But deep down, I was worried that it was something much, much worse. Dominic Russo was trying to take care of me.

I was so pathetically happy that she was speaking to me in multisyllabic words I would have let her slap me across the face with the folder.

I walked back into the room feeling like Cinder-freaking-rella. If Cinderella’s fairy godmother had given her a sexy, skin-hugging gown the color of crimson or, as I liked to think of it, Dominic Russo’s crushed heart.

Everyone was hitting the open bar like it was last call, and those little appetizers were doing nothing to soak up the liquor. It was entertaining, but I had a feeling this is how bad things happened at office Christmas parties. Inhibitions lowered, tongues loosened, and shit went down.

Oh, boy. I’d heard rumors of Drunk Dominic. But they hadn’t prepared me for the reality of him. He was adorable… and in no way capable of functioning as creative director right now. I needed to get him home.

Damn it. My shattered broken heart was trying to knit itself back together just so it could fall for him all over again.

I hooked my pinky around his and tried not to fall in love with the idiot when he pressed his lips to our joined fingers.

Nights like these changed lives and were retold as stories for years to come. But I didn’t know what my story would be. Would it be the time the up-and-coming designer made me temporarily semi-famous? Or would it be the night I finally realized my heart belonged to a man I was never going to be with?

Tacos and home renovation supplies with an entrepreneur, a male exotic dancer, and a drag queen on her day off. Just another glamorous day in the life.

I spent the rest of the day on the couch, which delighted Brownie. We watched the entire first season of The Great British Baking Show and then three episodes of Queer Eye. I was inspired to order and to eat an entire sponge cake from the bakery three blocks over and pondered growing a beard. Then I pondered what Ally thought about beards. And the shame spiral began again.

“I’m not hiding this,” Dom said quietly. “I don’t think I could even if you asked me.” Okay, coming from Dominic Russo, maybe that was kind of a swoony thing to say. It wasn’t a declaration of love, but it was real. These feelings felt real.

“I don’t need to be saved.” Dalessandra and I blinked at each other as the words came out of both our mouths in unison.

I wanted to take care of her. I wanted to take her worries and concerns and problems and solve every last one of them so she could focus all of her attention on me. And Brownie of course. I wasn’t a completely selfish monster.

I didn’t want her drawing lines when I wasn’t thinking clearly enough to redraw them properly. She would live here. She would have anything and everything she needed. No one would ever take advantage of her or lay a hand on her ever again. End of fucking story. I was her Prince Fucking Charming.

“Dom, of course people are going to talk. Trying to avoid being a topic of conversation is a pretty lame way to live life. Sometimes, accepting the discomfort is how good things are earned.”

It was disconcerting to wake up one day and find myself… well. Here. Making plans for two instead of one. Looking forward to sharing things like beds and weekends and closet space. I’d dated before. But I’d never gotten this deep, this fast. I’d never made space in my home for a woman before. Change was happening, and I didn’t know how I felt about it.

Ally didn’t bitch-slap, but Faith did it like it was an Olympic sport and she was a gold medalist.

“Everyone has baggage, Russo. Most of us are just smart enough not to hurl full-sized suitcases at the people we love.”

But sometimes an inch might as well be a mile. And I didn’t know how to cross it. I didn’t know how to ask him for what I needed. Because I didn’t know what I needed.

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So... How do you apologise for something if you have no idea what it is you are apologising for?

Because I'm kind of dealing with a toxic rumor problem that has been running non stop and... I don't know what to do about it.

Most of it sounds like insane gibberish to me as they're all things I don't have control over.

Like... The OOC post to IC post ratio being out of whack among other things. I don't get that much in general and have to let things pile up just to pretend to have more than I get in short bursts.

I can't turn every ask into a thread and... If I did reply it would be in the form of a text post. If me or you didn't get a notification... It's not my fault. Same goes for crashing people's phones and messages piling up in the box and not knowing they are there.

My replying speed and quality tends to vary alot... A good many conditions can cause me to shut down completely or even emotionally become self destructive. I'm constantly afraid that if everything isn't just right that things will get worse than they already are. It takes me awhile to feel well enough to do even a small thing.

I'm sorry about rambling about things in your IMs... All the things going on have been getting to me lately and has left me well... Kind of a wreck. It might sound like it, but I'm usually frustrated and anxious to the point of insanity when I start ranting about things that are bothering me.

I really don't get most of the accusations I get since I never really hear much from people outside of what pretty much sounds like the Tasmanian Devil's angry babbling... Or an angry mob on a witch Hunt fully intending on burning someone on the stake no matter what they say or do. In fact, most of those times defending myself has only made things worse than they were.

I also keep having flashbacks to all those other times things like this have happened and to put it short I... Literally have to fight myself to keep from just... Offing myself to end the suffering of those around me. It feels like I am the problem in every situation I've been and there is nothing I can do to fix that no matter how hard I try.

I can't blame you for not wanting to forgive me when I can't even forgive myself for every single mistake I've made... Even the little ones.

I don't want to be the self centered asshole that asks for everything and gives nothing back. It takes everything I got to even send a little message or a meme because I'm afraid I'll let you down. I don't ask for art because I feel greedy for doing so. It's not like I have the money to pay for anything outside of the occasional random fluke and I never get to keep that for long.

As far as I know... Blocks are pretty much forever, a point of no return. No hope or forgiveness can be found there. They're constant reminders that I'm just another piece of garbage on the dash. I'm no better than those creeps that harrass minors into doing smut and throw fits when they don't get their way.

I don't think highly of myself if I were honest. Everyone seems to be so much more together... While a small army of people have to pretty much hold me together constantly so I don't start falling apart. The only reason why I'm still here is because I have someone to share my problems with, talk ideas, and just being there.

I am still here because of you... I wish I could say this more openly, but I keep thinking of all those other times where people said things like this they didn't actually mean. I know I get clingy sometimes... But I'm afraid I might lose you if I don't let go and at the same time I'm afraid if I do I'll lose all of you that way instead.

I wish I could tell all of you myself, but I really don't have much say in this and I don't have a voice at this point. I'm just crap that takes up space on everyone's dash and they only care when there are problems real or implied.

I do listen... But it's not easy for me to express myself. It's not my strong suit. I'm also very slow when it comes to performing certain tasks... I have to mentally poke at it until the parts feel like they are going to move just right and if I can't get it that way it's going to drive me insane trying.

I don't mean to hurt anyone... Most of the time I'm well... An anxious, emotionally broken down klutz who can't stop reminding themselves of every mistake and person they hurt... Even if it was never my intention to do so. However... It's easier to claim that I don't have any problems and tell everyone that I'm a guilt tripping monster that goes out of their way to stalk and harass people. Maybe I am, but it's kind of hard to do much of anything improving when all I can hear are doors being slammed and locked whenever I show up... And the angry mobs that pretty much want to burn me at the stake just for existing.

I don't like seeing anyone else in trouble either... But I'm afraid that if I tried to help in any way or at all, I'll just make things worse. I'm still trying to get over someone tried to commit suicide when I tried to talk them out of it awhile back... and most of the time people just get hurt in other ways as well.

I could keep going on about this, but... It's probably pushing things enough as is and I've already lost alot of people I thought were my friends this past while. I'm probably going to lose a few more because of this.

I know I should apologise for writing this post, but It's not easy keeping all this bottled up... And I need to say something about it somehow.

I wish that I wasn't so horrible at this. I'm sorry... Again.

Are you going to do a pt 2 to the yousana college au? It was so cute!!! I love Isak and Sana's friendship and I love it when ppl are plotting to get others together!!! I could also imagine them interrupting/not so discretely spying on Yousef and Sana hanging out and just laughing laughing laughing at anything awk that will inevitably occur. Anyway, love your writing!!!

“You know”, Noorabegan conversationally. “I don’t even think its that bad.”

Sana gaped at theblonde in shock.

They were currentlysitting on one of the window ledges of the college, opposite eachother and looking out at the campus grounds. Having not seen Noorasince the week before, and more importantly before that disasterousnight at Isak’s place, she had felt the growing need to vent.

“Not that bad?”Sana gasped. “How is it not that bad?”

Noora shrugged, lookinga little helpless under Sana’s glare. “I just mean that you got adate with Yousef”, she defended adamantly. “That’s good news!”

Sana shook her headvehemently. “No, its not because Isak had something to do with it!That means he probably set Yousef up to take me out. Maybe he’spaying him or something, I dont know. But what I do know isthat I don’t trust Isak Valtersen as far as I can throw him”

“Offended”, a voicepiped up from beside her.

Sana jumped, turning toface the intruder with a pre-prepared glare already in place. Whenshe saw who it was, her glare faltered momentarily before shenarrowed her eyes once more. “What do you want?”

Isakmockingly put a hand against his heart and gasped, feigning hurt. “Ihappened to overhear you bashing me”, he said after letting thefacade drop. “Thought I’d come over and bitch at you for it”, hejoked.

WhenSana looked across at Noora to roll her eyes, she was instead metwith one of Noora’s genuine smiles. Feeling betrayed, Sana lookedback at Isak, purposely ignoring Noora’s little giggle. “Whileyou’re here, you can answer a few questions”, Sana said with noroom for debate.

Isakrolled his eyes, entirely unaffected by her attempt at looking scary.“Shoot.”

Sanaglared a little harder but Isak remained unbothered. “Did you setme up?”

“Excuseme?”

“WithYousef”, Sana sighed in exasperation. “Did you set it up? Is itall some big joke?”

Isaklooked genuinely offended at her words and his eyes grew soft. “Youseriously think I’d do that to you?”

Sanastared at Isak in shock at his reaction, surprised that the boy hadtaken her question as such an insult. Sana shook her head quickly.“No, I- I just… I’m worried that this is all some kind of joke.”

Isaknarrowed his eyes slightly. “Well it’s not, Sana. Yousef likes you,you like him. All I did was get you in the same room.”

Sanabegan to panic internally at the look on Isak’s face. “Isak… I’msorry if I offended you or-”

“-It’sfine”, Isak interrupted, turning away. “Have fun on the date”,he called back as he headed up the stairs towards the library.

Sanawatched him go with a solemn look, feeling slightly ashamed. When sheturned back to Noora, she too was frowning.

“I’msure it’ll be fine”, Noora said, patting her arm reassuringly.

Sananodded, taking a deep breath. She sure hoped so.

…

Whenthe date eventually came around, Sana wasn’t even ashamed to admitthat her stomach was rolling and her palms were sweating. She wasn’tunfamiliar with being nervous, far from it – she was the muslim kidafter all – but she hadn’t quite experienced this before. Feelingnervous, without  the accompanying dread of being harrassed for herhijab.

No,this time she was simply terrified of ruining her chances of a seconddate.

Inthe end, she crumbled and called Noora.

“Itwill all be fine”, Noora laughed, not unkindly. “Everything willwork out, I promise.”

Sanasighed deeply as she rubbed her hand down her face. She ignored thespike of fear she felt when her fingers slid across the tell-talesigns of another outbreak, chosing to ignore it and pretend it didn’texist lest it make her even more nervous.

“Youcan’t know that.”

Noorapaused for a moment, presumably to think. “Sana, you are one of themost kind-hearted people I have ever met in my entire life. Yousefalready know what you’re like, good and bad. You wont chase himaway.”

Sananodded slowly, her breath heavy and slightly uneven. “Yeah…okay.”

…

Tosome people, saying the date was a success just 20 minutes in mighthave been a little presumtive, but to Sana the night was alreadyperfect and the hours to come could only improve the evening. Yousefseemed to agree.

“You’resaying you’ve never tried it?” Yousef asked in a tone of voice thatstrongly suggested he didn’t believe her.

Sanalaughed, shaking her head. “Nope.”

Youseflooked offended, holding a hand to his heart in mock hurt. “That’sinsane! I don’t believe you!”

“Wellyou should”, Sana said, smile fading and being replaced by a frown.

Yousefpaused, watching her face warily. Sana met his eye, frown firmly inplace- until he smiled. Depsite her best efforts, Sana felt her frownslip when Yousef began to grin, and laughed along with him.

“So,shall we?”

Sanalooked back up at Yousef, raising her eyebrow in confusion. “Hæ?”

Yousefsmirked coyly. “Shall we head to dinner?”

Bowingher head to hide embarrassment, Sana nodded. “Sure.”

…

“CanI try some?” Yousef asked, already reaching over the table with hisfork out.

Sanashook her head fondly, pushing her plate towards Yousef who eagerly apotatoe.

“Wow”,Yousef said impressed as he thirstily chewed. “That’s pretty good.”

“Itold you that you should have had this”, Sana grinned, pulling herplate back towards herself to take another rewarding bite.

Yousefshrugged. “Mine’s still better.”

Sanapaused mid-bite, looking up at her date with a raised eyebrow.“Excuse me?”

“Itis”, Yousef laughed, obviously nervous under Sana’s watchful gaze.

Sanaimmediately dropped her fork, sitting up and looking Yousef dead inthe eye. She couldn’t help but feel a little sense of pride at theminute fear in his eyes. “Gimme”, she simply said.

Yousef’ssmile quickly returned and he eagerly held out a fork-full of hisdinner. Sana spared a thought for the fact that they would be sharinga fork, but simply leaned forward to close her lips around the forkand take the food.

Asshe wrapped her lips around her food, her eyes flitting away fromYousef to avoid his meaning gaze, Sana froze. Quickly taking the foodand consuming it hastily, she sat back. Yousef raised an eyebrow inconfusion and followed her deadly gaze.

Whathe saw was clearly more funny to him than to Sana, for he immediatelyburst into laughter. “No way!”

Sanaignored Yousef’s joyous cheers and sent Isak Valtersen her deadliestglare. She titled her head slowly so as to glare at him through herlashes, for effect, as he and Even approached.

“Whyhalla Sana!” Isak said cheerfully as he reached her and Yousef’stable.

Evenand Yousef stood to hug one another, hands lingering on one another’sback as they greeted each other.

WithYousef distracted by his best friend, Sana turned to her own bestfriend and hissed. “What are you playing at, Valtersen?”

Isakignored her tone and beamed. “Why me and Even were just on a date,that’s all. It seems you’re doing the same.”

Sanagrit her teeth at his sarcastic attitude.

“Didyou guys want to join us?” Yousef asked, smiling widely as he satback down.

Isakand Even both simaltaneously turned to watch Sana, whose eyes widenedin fear and potentially a little bit of hurt. Isak quickly shook hishead.

“No,thanks. We were just finishing and we gonna head back Even’s dorm.”

Youseflaughed softly. “You’re actually going to Even’s dorm for once?”

Evenshrugged. “Isak’s roommate is there, mine isn't”, he said,indicating to their table.

Yousefnodded, “I guess I’m not. Have fun, but make sure no one’s nakedwhen I get back.”

“Promise”,Even smirked as he pressed his hand against Isak’s lower back toguide him away. “Nice seeing you guys, have fun!”

Isakwaved as Even guided him out the restaurant. “Have fun best bud!”

Sanarolled her eyes, quickly schooling her features when Yousef turnedback to her with a soft smile.

“Youokay?” he asked kindly.

Sananodded, despite the ache in her chest. “I just… how come youinvited them to join us?”

Yousefresumed eating, only sparing Sana a small shrug. “It’s just polite,right?”

“Thisis a date”, Sana finally said.

Yousefpaused, his fork hovering over his food. He looked up at Sana slowly,his face solemn but straight. “I- I didn’t mean-”

“-I know you didn't”, Sana sighed deeply, looking down at her foodand pushing it uselessly her plate with her fork.

“Sana.”

Sanalooked back up at Yousef, who had sat forward on his haunches,leaning towards her with his hands folded on the table. “I don’twant to think I don’t consider this a date. Or worse, that I don’twant to just spend tonight with you. And only you. I didn’t think, Iswear.”

Thelook in Yousef’s eyes, genuine hurt and panic, made Sana sigh. Shenodded slowly, her eyes still sad but softening to Yousef’s obvioustruthfulness.

“I’mreally sorry Sana. I promise I’m really loving this and I’m really…liking you. You- you know I like you, right?”

Sanasmiled softly, her blush deepening and her eyes fluttering. “Yeah,I like you too.”

Yousefgrinned at Sana as she watched him from under her eyelashes. Unlikewhen glaring at Isak, there was somethung distinctly warm about thelook she sent Yousef.

Youseflet his hand rest upon Sana’s on the table. “Would you… maybe-wanna do this again?”

Sana’sface tore into a wide smile and she giggled nervously. “Yeah,I’d-I’d love that. Really.”

Hope you liked it, nonnie

Everything is a lie. Everything. I don’t know what to belive anymore and I don’t trust anyone anymore. No matter what I do he’ll find a way to make it worse. He always goes for the gut where it’ll hurt. He knows I’ll think about it non stop it’ll eat away at me. He can say the worst things to me make me feel like I’m nothing but everyone sees me as an immature child and I’m always wrong. Just cause he said so. If i cant sit down with someone and have an “adult conversion” 10 mins after they just told me I was insane cause I had to go to a mental hospital for bpd and tell me I’m evil. Told me id never be anything never have any power threatened to put me on the street call the police on me. He said i have no friends. They were never mine they’re his. And he has the power to make them not like me. And now after i thought that things would be different this time it seems like its going to be the same. He controls the situation and i have no power and it wont take long until everyone thinks im in the wrong. And im not saying that i didnt do my fair share of bad things that culminated into where im at now but for the people i considered to be my closest friends here say that my actions are childish and immature when all I asked for is space and to stop being harassed and forced into conversation with someone who broke my heart and makes me feel worthless and tried to put me out on the street makes me feel like shit. Like I don’t matter. My feelings dont matter and they never will. And now I’m doubting everything positive that was said to me recently cause now I feel like they were all lies. But like he said they’re not my friends they never were. And I can’t help to think that if they never saw me again it wouldn’t change their lives at all. This isn’t what I wanted. I tried to fix it. I tried to forget all the things he said in the past tell my brain to forget that he didn’t mean it. But I couldn’t and over time I grew to resent him for how he made me feel. Get mad at me because I couldn’t get over that fact that he called me a horrible girlfriend and that if he saw me getting jumped he wouldn’t help me cause I didn’t believe that our friends jumped him because they clearly didnt. Im pretty sure if he had actually gotten jumped he wouldnt have went over to their house 4 days later and gotten drunk with them. And i mean like i said im not so dense to see that I did do some wrong things too. But I never actually tried to hurt his feelings and make him feel bad. I have to work on some anger issues I’m aware. Even though I feel like no one believes me I have been looking for another psychiatrist and therapist just want a specific one. And I feel like I should be comfortable with who I’m talking to and shouldn’t have to compromise on that. I know it’ll take some time to find what I’m looking for but it doesn’t mean I’m not looking. I want to get re medicated cause the meds I have now make me feel like shit. Like sometimes I feel like ima pass out other times I’m a zombie and anything in between. He brings up how they “used to work” and I remember the days he was talking about. I thought they worked too. But they didn’t stop the thoughts or the urges of what I wanted to do to myself they just made me numb I got so disconnected from everything and everyone that anyone who reached out to me I clung to them to stay sane. I know because of this I made some mistakes did some things I know I shouldn’t have done but I wasn’t trying to hurt him or be bad I just wanted to maintain one of the only friendships I had left back at home. But it doesn’t matter cause the friendship got lost all of them did. I don’t have friends back at home anymore not really. I have people that I disconnected from because my dissociative habits got the better of me and I spent most of my time back at home trying to remember what day it was and where the time went and what I was doing (which was nothing) trying so hard to cling to reality but end up cooped up in my room for weeks at a time only leaving it to go to work or the bathroom or eat. I’m not excusing my behavior but I could tell the meds were losing their placebo affect and we’re not meshing with my body. They told me this might happen but I was already bound to come back to memphis at this point and I thought that if I took what I needed when I was too deep in my emotions it would help a little but I was wrong if anything I think it made it worse cause they weren’t reacting well with my body and taking them irregularly can’t be any better. But I was still trying. Really hard. Trying to keep everything together keep my emotions in check because it got to the point where I didn’t feel comfortable expressing myself or my emotions to him. If i wasn’t happy it made him mad. But it’s hard when everything in your brain is pushing you to feel your emotions so strong and even when I tried my hardest I would still be really mad and upset over the words he said to me and I couldn’t forget them. Those words cut so deep that it changed how I felt and so my actions became synonymous. I started to act colder because I was hurt and I felt like he didn’t deserve for me to be sweet or nice because he never understood how much he hurt me everytime. I can’t get over hearing those things be said to me by someone I loved and get over it in 10 mins when he’s ready talk and forget it ever happened and change nothing. I deserve to be able to talk about things when I’m ready and I shouldn’t be forced to or made to feel like a child because it’s not on his terms. Just because he said sorry. I remember when he told me that when I said I’m sorry it didn’t mean shit. And the part that fucks me up the most is that no one told me this in person. They talked about it behind my back but to my face they tell me I’m strong and I’m doing the right thing for me and I shouldn’t have to talk to him if I don’t want to and I deserve my space. Why am I immature? Is it because I took everthing in the house that was mine and put it in the back room so i could look after my things because i was afraid they’d be thrown out? That i sleep on the floor for the moment cause i dont want him to use the fact that i slept in his bed aginst me? Because he told me that they were his property and I can’t sleep in it. That I don’t feel comfortable enough to inhabit another room besides in the very back because he’s made points to tell me that this is “his house ” and give me ultimatums threating to kick me out because I wasn’t here to put my name on the lease so he has the power to (something he told me id never have) even though I pay to live here too but I’ve never truly felt like i was apart of this house no matter how much I tried to decorate and make it feel like our home but it never was mine the whole time I felt like I was paying him to live here not the landlord. Is it because when he told me to pack up my dollar tree shit and get out i took him seriously? Is it because i burned pictures of us and gifts because it was too hard to look at and be reminded of how far my relationship had fallen? By no means does this scenario alone make me want to kill myself but it adds the notion that I believe I am a burden that no one truly wishes to deal with which does make me want to end this sad life i live. He publicly tries to push my buttons make me seen crazy to people. Some people believe him. Through everything the thing that hurts my feelings the most is that everyone still talks to him. If someone treated my friends like this i wouldnt talk to them invite them places when i know they are mentally manipulating and abusing my friend. His feelings and inclusion means more than me and my feelings. He can harrass me in the streets at bars convince people to not talk to me but when he is screaming in my face to the point where he needs to be physically pulled away because I didn’t want to talk to him it’s still my fault. The cops said so too. Tried to get a restraining order and I can’t. Cause even the cops take his side. And my friends were there witnessed it and just pretend like nothing happened or do nothing. I wouldn’t be friends with someone who treated my friends like that so cruelly. I don’t talk to people that my friends have issues with. The most superficial and petty reasons why they would be hurt if i even said hi. And i know they would never say it but i would hurt their feelings. So why cant i be hurt by the fact that no one stopped talking to him. When they see how he treats me. I do what i do for them out of respect and support but they can’t do the same when I’m clearly being harassed. she died i always said it should have been me. Everyone liked her better. She was better than me. Im just a knockoff. If she were still alive my niece and nephew would still be together and my nephew wouldnt be getting abused regularly with us not being able to do anything about it cause the court decided that his asshole sperm donor has more paternal rights than his family who raised him but this pimple on the asscrack of socieity who was never in his life can swoop in and literally snatch him out of school and move him away and we only get to see him 1 weekend out of the month. That 3 days out of the whole fucking month that he doesnt get beat. He has anxiety attacks. Hes 6. When he realizes he has to go back to his “dad” he starts hyperventilating and we have to try to calm him down so he can breathe. I can already tell hes gonna grow up with issues and it breaks my heart that he might grow up to be anything like me in that regard. Meanwhile my niece has had her only immediate family cruelly taken from her by snakes in people skin. Her father was never in her life either. I fear that soon mine won’t be either. My dad won’t tell me everything even though I tell him to tell me I know he holds some stuff back. I think the cancer is spreading and all I think about is how long left I have with him. My grandmother is in the stages of dementia. Soon she won’t remember me I’ll lose the last grandparent I have but not from death. When I was still in the relationship he would tell me I bring home burdens that weigh him down. But he says sorry so I shouldn’t believe the nasty things he says even though he’s said them more than once on different occasions. I just feel so lied to It wouldn’t matter. It doesnt matter. I don’t matter. Honestly I don’t think i ever did But I have to do this I have to stay strong for her. She left me 2 children to take care of. A part of her and I’ll be damned if I fuck it up. I can fuck up my life but not theirs

i've been writing fanfiction for 2-ish years and recently I wrote a fic which got 90x less notes/hits/feedback than I was used to. I know that notes don't matter but damn it tore me apart I kept dwelling in it to the point I couldn't think about anything else so now i'm deleting my account. but i just got a message saying they were happy i was leaving and that all my writing was utter shit and i just i feel so worthless and awful.

Omg, hold on. Anon! Come back! Please wait :(( I’m sorry my reply is slightly late!! I want to write a good one, though, so I hope you’re going to be patient for me! 

Writing fanfiction is probably one of the absolute hardest things to do; you aren’t getting paid for this, people are assholes, sometimes you get very little feedback and when you do, it’s ungrateful or requesting more or telling you what you could have done better or what you should have included instead of praising you for what you did produce. Sometimes, I feel like it isn’t worth it, and I get my hopes dashed when something I’m really proud of gets really few notes, or when it goes unacknowledged and I get no comments or feedback. 

It hurts. It hurts so, so much, especially when a different fic you wrote got 90x times the amount of notes that one you just posted did. 

Listen, I know it’s probably difficult to believe or I sound like I’m whining when it’s been pretty clear the past few days I’ve had a lot of good feedback on my fics. But I’ve been there, and sometimes I’m still there. I don’t get many asks, I don’t often get many comments on ao3, in the tags of my post, or on my post in general. Sometimes I feel worthless, like I should delete my account, like I’m a terrible writer and I’m never going to get anywhere in life. In fact, only about a month ago I very nearly did delete. 

Tumblr and ao3 and any fanfiction posting sites can be really toxic on a fanfic authors mind. I’ve been in fandoms for 9-10 years now. I’ve been writing since I was like, nine, probably earlier if you want to count oral story telling. Writing is hard, it takes everything out of you, and it’s the worst feeling in the world when people don’t acknowledge that. 

But you’ve been writing for two years. Two years! That’s insane! That’s so much time cultivating a skill that you love! Can you imagine if you hadn’t tried? You wouldn’t be the person you are right now, and you might not be quite as happy. Maybe you would, who know’s really, but it sounds to me like you love doing this, or you wouldn’t be nearly as heartbroken as you are right now. It’s killing me to think that you’re going to give it all up because a few people were assholes to you and you didn’t get as many notes as you wanted.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying anything about you being disappointed about lack of notes. Remember what I said eariler? I’ve been there. Sometimes my posts don’t even get past 100, and its devastating because I put so much time and so much effort into everything I do, and it’s disappointing to not even get a message in return or a thank you or enough notes to make me feel like I did something good. It’s hard. It’s the worst feeling in the world. I know it is. And sometimes, I still don’t know how to deal with it when my fics get next to no notes, or not kudos on ao3, or no comments, or no messages encouraging me and making me feel like what I did was worth while. But I’m trying, and I’m fighting, and I’m never letting go.

You know why? 

Because I love writing. I love writing probably more than I love myself sometimes. I put my blood, sweat, and tears into every single thing I do. And I’m willing to be you do too, anon. 

Look, that anon? They just wanted to make you feel like shit. They’re having a rough time in life, or they have nothing better to do, or they think it’s funny or whatever. I bet you they’ve never even read your fics. I bet they don’t even follow you. I bet they don’t even know who you are. I bet they stumbled upon your post somewhere, and they decided, hey, someone I can harrass, and sent you a rude message.

But you know what? Fuck them. Fuck anyone who tells you you aren’t a good writer, fuck anyone who tells you that they’re glad you’re leaving. Fuck anyone else’s opinion. You know whose opinion matters? Yours. If you are proud of something you wrote, or you enjoyed writing it, try and focus on that. I know it’s hard, I know it hurts when your hard work doesn’t get the attention it deserves, but you know what? You worked your butt off on that fic and that’s all that matters. 

Putting work like this out in the world is so hard, because you never know what kind of feedback you’re going to get in return, if any. It takes someone insanely brave to even try, and I am so, so proud of you for trying anon. 

If deleting your account, if deleting your fics is what you really want, if it’s something that will make you feel better, feel good about yourself, then do it. But if it’s not, and you’re only doing it because you feel like no one cares. Don’t. 

Don’t, because I care. I care, and I love you, and I bet you’re amazing. I bet there are people out there who think you’re amazing as well. And I think that, one day, you’re going to get the love you deserve. Maybe it won’t come in the masses, but who cares? I don’t have a mass following either, believe it or not. It’s only been recently that i’ve started getting more messages, and I’m not complaining about it all! But you know who gets me through the rough patches?

My friends. @botanistlester, @phandommother, @ineverhadmyinternetphase, who tell me over and over and over again how much they love my writing, who encourage me when I think something I’m working on sucks. 

You know who else gets me through the rough patches?

People like @cosmicphandom2k16, @charlottekath, @alittledizzy, @snsknene and @silentorator who take time out of their day to message me. There are so many other people who do so too, I know they do, because they do it on anon or leave comments on ao3 and I don’t know their tumblrs, and those are the people who keep me going. The people who are my fans. Who gives a shit if I don’t have a lot of them. I have some, and regardless of anything else, I know that they enjoy what I’m doing.

So long as I enjoy myself, so long as you enjoy yourself, so long as my friends and my fans enjoy themselves... that’s all that really matters in the end.